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boyinafandom · 9 months ago

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YOU

Part 1

Song of this installment

Yes I’m bringing this 2020 banger back SHHHH

This is technically an au

In this au there are:

•Toby, still has Tourette's, although barely mentioned when in his pov because he's used to it and tunes it out now

•he still has his canon mental illnesses don’t worry

•he has no cheek scar-he has a lot of freckles though, that he covered in the first story with makeup, because it’s an easy thing to identify him with.

•his family isn’t dead, he’s just fucking crazy or sum idk (this is subject to change though? When i find lore, because in most cases psychopathy is made from child abuse-although it is believed that it may be genetically passed so…)

•reader is trans ftm (read part one for like context in there transition) not apart of the au but im TIRED AND SICK OF THE STRAIGHT FEMALE Y/N WE NEED MORE TRANS REP

TRIGGER WARNINGS

•kidnapping

•implied that someone (and everyone) Y/N knows and works with is now dead

• torture

•manipulation

•MOMMM TOBYS BEING A MINDLESS HEARTLESS CRAZED FREAK AGAIN

Summary

It’s been about a three years since the whole “clock em over the the head and tie him up in your basement” incident, you thought it was over.

You were sorely mistaken.

______________________

Y/N’S pov

I changed jobs, moved away,changed my name for the 6th time in my life time(while only being 27). Started over. AGAIN. Because I’m incapable of keeping the creeps away.

I don’t know why I didn’t kill him like I did the others.

You know, usually, when the restraining order doesn’t work, instead of telling the police, you take matters into your own hands,but he’s slippery, more then I thought, he got away, how could I have let this happen, now look at me?

Locked in a basement, and cold, uncomfortably dry basement, waiting for who I can only assume to be the man I thought I so blissfully got away from (and almost managed to kill) a few years back.

And now that I say all this. You must be deeply confused, so allow me to explain.

______

September 4th 2024

12:34 AM

It’s freezing, and my makeup is starting to come off, thankfully I brought my mask. Why is this place still going on this late anyway? I mean, I get wanting a good midnight scare, (I work as a scare acter now) but it’s a freezing September night, the only people who are showing up are drunk…and..shit..someone is coming, ok- got to get into position

I borrow myself into the corn field..and wait

…

AND SUDDENLY I LEAP OUT AT THEM WITH A SCREAM

Dowsing them in fake blood and landing on top of them…I was not meant to land on them…shit..

I hear an audible groan

“Oh shit I’m sorry man! That was not meant to happen-“

“Naw man it’s fine-“

He sounds vaguely familiar,but who doesn’t,right?

I get off him, and he starts to get up

Shit I wasn’t supposed to break character, I then feel my alarm go off in my pocket..

My shift ended?? Then what is this guy doing here?

He smiles at me a wide..sharp toothed smile..

“What’s the alarm for?”

“My shift ended, it’s close time. What are you doing this far out?if I may ask?”

“You may, and I got here about an hour ago. I made it this far out because I…don’t actually know..?”

He does a full 360* turn and looks heavily confused, like he knew what he signed up for, but doesn’t know how he got where he is now.

“You uh..want me to walk you back?”

His neck jerks and he says a fast yes, clicking his tongue and stuttering

“You uh..good?”

Either he’s a tweaker he has tics, please god don’t be a fucking tweaker.

“So..why’d you come out this late?”

I say, since he completely ignored my question

“Hm..? Oh uh-? Just felt bored”

His hand jerks

It’s hard to see in the heavy lack of light. If it wasn’t for the moon shining over us, I wouldn’t even be able to tell if he was a man or woman,but…he reeks of copper..

Copper..

“So..you work here? Or do you volunteer??”

He asks

“I uh…work here..also sorry, this walk will take a minute, this is the end of the scare trail after all”

I say with a chuckle

He looks at me

“What’s funny?”

“Hm?”

“You laughed, so what’s funny?”

I start to feel a prickle up my spine at the sudden change in demeanor,cold running up and down my body.

“Oh um..nothing sorry, just trying to break the tension that’s all..”

___

At some point after light conversation we end up back on the well lit trail…and then I see his face. He’s covered in freckles, and fake blood and he has a..large scar on his eyebrow..

Odd

I cut rogers when I tried to get rid of him for good

Whatever

We keep waking and then I smell something, it reeks of copper and cigarette smoke, Jaden usually smelled like cigarette smoke..

It starts to click

I walk over to the source of the smell..

Then I see it, this blobbed red thing..

“Hey uh..I realized i never got your name”

The guy says

“Where did you get that scar..?”

I say without turning around, peering into the ditch trying to see if my suspicions were correct

“You.”

And then then I feel him, his hands on my face. a wet rag over my mouth and nose, I try to hold my breath and fight but I quickly start to lose air..and then I breath it in..and lose consciousness…

_____

And that kids,is how I got locked in this creeps basement…

Fuck I hope Charles ok…

Shh..I can hear movement upstairs

______

TOBY’S POV

This is GREAT. I finally get to see you again-mostly because you were to dumb to recognize me, shame really, I thought you loved me tiger.

We’re in love! So how did you not recognize me????it’s fine I suppose, I already killed the bitch you replaced me with. I mean seriously??? A bleach blonde twink??? I am so much better than him.

Much

Better.

As I make my way down stares,to you,I kind of realize-that you,mhm you tiger-probably don’t recognize me. It’s a shame, you didn’t see to recognize me when we saw each other again.

I hope you didn’t forget about me.

I slowly creak the entrance to you’re sell (that I made just for you! By HAND, because I truly care about your comfort) and there you are, immediately on alert, jerking about in your seat, thrashing about.

“Your only gonna make it tighter,tiger, I’ll untie you soon, you just have to stop struggling and relax”

You stop,surprisingly, and try to find the source of my voice.

“MFGHH!! MFH MOH”

You bark at me, to bad your mouth is gagged, I’d love to hear what you have to say.

“Hm? What was that?”

I mutter with a smirk, walking over to my table, and picking up my flaying knife

You hear the metal clink, I hear the scared whine you make.

“You’re about to be in a lot of pain tiger. Too bad you deserve it.”

You start to cry. But you didn’t comfort me when I cried…because you weren’t there.

“Stop crying, it’s gonna get a lot worse,Y/N.”

I pull the cloth out of your mouth, and you immediately go silent, like a whine or even scream is born and killed in your throat, maybe you think your silence with get you off easy, but it won’t. So don’t bother.

“Don’t bother struggling.”

I stab into your top of you’re left thigh, bluntly and brutally, and you cry harder, screaming so loud your voice breaks.

“Mhm. Let me hear you pretty boy.”

I pull it a little farther out and watch the blood gush out of your thigh, you’re screaming and crying, not begging though.

“It doesn’t matter how loud you scream, no one can hear you, this place is sound proofed.”

You stop screaming, and then huff something out, it’s so quiet I can almost barely hear it like it’s taking up all of your strength.

“Yknow…you’re a pretty good actor….”

I can’t help but not laugh, I mean complementing me? Really? That’s not gonna get you out of this.

“Why are you laughing? What’s funny?”

You mutter

I quirked an eyebrow

“Oh nothing…”

I rake the blade into your thigh one more time, this time you only jerk your spine in response.

Now I’m never letting you go.

____

I KNOW I SAID I WOULDNT MAKE A PART TWO BUT HERE IT IS. Eat up smucks:3

Also sorry that I’ve haven’t post a fic of any kind in like a month in a half, life likes to rake its nails down my back while licking my ear lobe lol

#creepypasta #ticci toby #stalker ticci toby #ticci Toby fanfic #we love a trans y/n :3 #dead dove do not eat #Spotify

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pzos-amiserableidiot · 10 months ago

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Vent? Self diagnosing? Something like that

I’ve often thought there’s something wrong with me. Something that makes me alien, robotic, or simply different from everyone around me. I know that is wrong. There are people who shame my experiences and understand my feelings and that I’m never truly alone and I take comfort in that. However, it’s still weird and isolating. I know there are others who feel things like I do and think like I do and understand on a fundamental level why I react (or don’t) a certain way because they do the same.

That isn’t to say that I understand myself all of the time. I notice patterns in my behavior and can recognize when I’m hurting myself, emotionally, physically, and/or mentally (all at various levels of awareness and apathy depending on the situation ofc). But I have trouble defining it and putting a name to emotions I feel. I know I’m feeling something. I may even know it’s a positive/negative/yearning/upset/righteously angry/etc. feeling. But because I’m very shit at recognizing other feelings in my body, such as hunger or stress or pain until it begins to grow and start to overwhelm, I have trouble recognizing when something is a problem more than a feeling.

All of this to say I think I’ve been feeling touch deprived. I think for years. Or maybe deprived of the feeling of safety??? Unsure. I crave affection and hugs and physical touch and words of affirmation from those I truly trust and care about and feel safe with. However, I’m only ever around my little sister often enough to get safe feeling hugs around once or twice a week since I’ve moved out for college. I rarely see the friends I feel safe enough to seek hugs and attention from (I think the last I saw them was to watch the Barbie movie). I have only two friends in college who I’d say I’d be okay hugging (one more than the other but still uncomfortable feeling) and we also rarely see each other (maybe once or twice a month). I like and get along with my roommate but she still triggers my fight or flight and I’m incredibly aware of where she is at all times (we live together fine and have talked and bonded a bit but still). All in all, I rarely receive touch from anyone outside of the weekends, and even then the hugs are brief (my sister isn’t too fond of touch and my parents hugs feel choking and I hate them)

The symptoms of being touch blend in a lot with everything I’ve ever felt. I’ve suffered from depression since third grade and anxiety probably longer. I’m doing better now but they still hit every now and then. Plus college raises your stress levels so no dice there. The thing that has brought it to my attention the most was my hyper awareness of every brush of the skin and touch someone gave me. An accidental shoulder bump to a stray hand hitting me while someone gesticulates. Even someone leaning over to grab something and being close enough to feel the heat from their skin sears itself into my memory. It’s not quite burning but the touch seems to linger and I can still feel it days later. I think I want to cry about it sometimes. I’ve gotten good enough at telling my emotions and thoughts apart to know I’m nothing thinking about it because of anxiety. I think it’s a yearning. I’ve gotten clingier to my sister and the family when I see them. It’s weird and off putting how much I crave to the attention and hugs from people I used to feel mostly anxious and vaguely happy with.

I think I used to suffer from this a lot when I was in elementary school. 4th and 5th grade, when my world was a rollercoaster of ending, being revived, and ending once more. And middle school I was weary and constantly felt wrong footed, slowly I grew to have friends and they were affectionate. I healed and know I think I’m recognizing I’m returning to a warped version of that state before. I know how to deal with my depression, anxiety, many chronic illnesses, stress and school now. I am in a better place mentally than I was before. I do not quite know how to deal with this.

I have a weighted blanket that was supposed to be for my anxiety but now helps chase away the chill of the absence of something (someone?). It’s heightening my anxiety and I think causing my hallucinations to start up again. It’s causing my back to feel colder and more vulnerable than ever (it’s reminding me of middle school and needing a heavy jacket or backpack on me nearly at all times to help chase away the chill despite the weather reaching the 90-100s. When it wasn’t one of those it was a wall or chair or couch against my back, pressing myself firmly against it until the chill/eyes watching/wings trying to break free went away). I’m unsure if there’s anything more I can be doing. I am socializing just fine (I am the treasurer of the Pride club so I can’t exactly escape a certain level of socialization even if I wanted to) and I am exercising regularly (the campus may be small but my classes have the luck in being on the opposite sides of campus) and I am sleeping regularly and showering and generally doing my best to take care of myself.

I tried once, a long time ago back in elementary and again in middle, to try and be more touchy. To get that touch I craved and achieve my goal of being (what I used to view) a very friendly person who people feel safe with. But, it always made my skin crawl, my anxiety spike, and feel so incredibly awkward and weird. I concluded that I’m simply not the kind of person who can pull off or be a touchy friendly person. (I then turned to trying to tell people how much I cared verbally, this I managed to learn and do). However, because of my weird reactions to touch (mostly freezing or flinching) and not being very good at reciprocating, my friends had the impression I didn’t like touch all that much. And I can exactly deny that.

I hate random adults touching me. I feel uncomfortable if a stranger or someone I barely know acts too friendly touch wise. I hate when my dad rubs my back or does his weird supposed-to-be-comforting/calming rub on my arm. I hate when mom cuddles me. (It’s not that I don’t crave their hugs and affection, it’s more 50/50. I just hate when they do it without my permission. Or for too long. Or touch a spot on my back or rub my back that my brain registers as wrong. I stop feeling safe and more trapped and suffocated. Like I’m being held my claws or chains. I also know it’s impossible to ask for them to know when it’s okay to touch me and when, so I put up with as much as I can.) So when it comes to me trying to figure out if I’m touch starved, I get even more unsure.

Yes, I crave touch, but only from those I trust and feel safe with. However, the amount of touch and affection I crave is immense. I drive myself into a spiral imagining receiving positive non sexual touch from my real friends to fictional characters. I imagine cuddling, holding hands, hugs, laying on top off each other, a head on a shoulder, a hand clapping a back, etc. And then I’m thrusted back into reality and my anxiety spikes at asking for any of that let alone actually trying. I feel like anything outside sitting next to each, a hug or handshake or high five or maybe holding hands would cause me to climb out of my skin. And I’m unsure if that’s a positive or negative response. The only person I’m completely comfortable with is my sister, but I know enough that relying on one person for emotional support is ill advised and as she isn’t big on touch it would probably be ill received. Plus, we only see each other on weekends right now.

I hesitate to say that I have no one to go to for help with this. I have friends and I know they’d be willing to help as they’re all very kind people. But I’m unsure if I’d calm down from being anxious enough to enjoy it, with a few of them I can barely handle sitting close enough to press shoulders.

I believe I’m managing fine (not great but not too bad) right now anyways. After writing this all out i think it’s safe to say I’m touch deprived. I’ll just have to be more aware of that when trying to figure out why I’m feeling bad/stressed/overwhelmed. I’ll also do my best to talk to my friends more (Google says that helps along with some other things).

#vent #vent post #it def turned into that #I’m chill and fine now that I got it all out I think #okay to read and reblog and stuff

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ephai · 2 years ago

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Last 3 months of the year, and I am totally crushing a lot. Maybe because I want to be loved or maybe I want some comfort. Whatever that is, I am happy right now. I had a tons of crushes after my heart break to the second heart break . It maybe a coping mechanism to my situation, I guess. I dont want to fall in love again and thats why my mind is open in just crushing and never commiting.

First Crush is way back 2020, A writer that is so awesome and we have so much in common. A cousin to my comrade and An introvert that searching a place where we can fit in. A girl that trying her best always and never given the right appreciation on her own work. She really have dedication and open minded in the near future goes ahead. I learned a lot of things, side hustles that we can do whole studying and her writings is really awesome. I always remind her about her dream book and I really hope someday she will be successful. Right now I am her manager (like) friend and yep my business partner in online platforms here we come.

Second Crush, December 2021 I met a girl that I am vibing with. A lot of duties in Church that sometimes we both stress in. A lot of things that I encounter from my past that I want to tell her that its fine to be not fine but keep moving forward. I remember my past self to her and that's why I am having crush to her. She mqybe in the Pampanga right now. But we keep on touch as a great friend.

Arts is great from my Third crush. I really jope to have that talent. A businesswoman that have paints and cases. She paints for her own good. She goes in TAU and she tried always to fit in. I always ask to myself, why do I always crushing to an artist. Hayss well nevermind. I just really find her cute. With her teeth that have space on it. She maybe insecure about it but i found it so good for her. She is my barkada crush that even I say things that "Crush kita" she laughs qnd we having a great time. Awesome friend and a teacher in the making so yep we are close too. Hahahaha

4th one, Well yahhh I dont know why she said to me the 143 word but yep I really like her fashion, her leadership and her dedication. I was inspired in her awesome prowess. I know if I court her she is totally out of my lrague but yeah crushing is just my thing and she is awesome kind of girl. She have business also, 8ndependent not by house but independent on her savings, on her money. She may have dyslexia or other kind of mental illness but I support her in everything she do. Knitting things her greatest assets and she can kneet a lot of great things in life.

Well yep. Crushing is awesome. I learned a lot of things. I learned that I want to motivate a lot of people and I dont want to have yhe pain that I have when I am so low. Thats why i cant help it to motivate someone that is like me. And crushing 😍 💓 them at the process hahaha. Felt weird right well that's my coping mechanism and yeah I m not hurting someone I guess

Ps.. The first crush of 2020 doesnt have any pictures from me. Why she doesnt selfie a lot 😭😭😆😆😅😅

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apatcheworkofproblems · 1 year ago

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Okay so, up until a year-year and a half ago the idea that I was autistic didn’t cross my mind. It didn’t cross the mind of anyone in my family. Not even my friends (though, my best friend said that she thought that I might be but was never sure).

I’ve always been a bit different from the other kids.

I didn’t really talk to other kids unless I had to. When I did talk, it was either a lot or I would say little without context unless it pushed out by a lot of questions. The way I pronounced certain words or said certain phrases would be weird. Sometimes I just didn’t want to talk and would not unless I was forced to by an adult. I had a hard time asking for help even when I was struggling with something.

I wouldn’t willingly play with the other kids. I was always doing something by myself. I would sometimes agree to play with others if they came up to me first but I would rarely go to others unless I told to. Even those who would become my friends came up to me first or was introduced by a mutual friend.

I was really smart in some places but pretty bad in others. And I was told that being really good in some areas but really bad in others meant that I wasn’t trying hard enough in those places.

I paced and/or daydreamed excessively. And would get upset when I was interrupted. At home or school. My grandmother hated the pacing and would yell at me for it and tuning out the teachers or not doing my work by daydreaming would get me in trouble frequently. And I would get so frustrated and upset about it sometimes.

But me being this way was always attributed to other things in my life. I grew up with 4 younger brothers, my mom was young, and I was homeschooled most of my early elementary school years(till about 4th grade) as examples of why they thought I was different and possibly “ill socialized” or whatever.

Then some things changed when I was in foster care around 15-16. The foster parents had taken in a lot of teenage girls over the years and noticed immediately that I was different. They tried to help me but at that time I was upset and angry (and scared) that we were taken away from our mom. I didn’t cooperate very well a lot of the time.

But they still made me go to a children’s therapist, who I saw for a while. I didn’t like that woman. But she still got enough out of me(and my mom recently being diagnosed with similar symptoms) to diagnose me with ADHD.

Then I was put on medication for it and it did help with certain things. Just not the social and repetitive things. Or the tantrums that would happen when I was too frustrated(this last one helped me get out of foster care a little faster but that’s a different story).

The medication and a IEP meant I was doing better in school. And that’s what mattered most. So, of course, nothing else was done about any of the other problems I had(It didn’t help that I was trying to hide some of those other things in order to get sent back to my mom easier).

And everything was fine. Somewhat. I still ended up something like a shut in. So what changed?

An “outsider’s perspective”.

My youngest brother got his girlfriend pregnant and a bit later married her. Her family was very different from ours. Ours was always poverty line and hers was nice working class. Not rich but definitely not poor. Very social and did well in school. Not a whole lot of “problems” in the family. What I kind of pictured as normal(or neurotypical).

It was a while before I met her(she was heavily pregnant by the time I met her in person). I liked her. She’s nice.

She’s told me before that she’s never thought of her family as being well off until she met mine. That some of the things we had to do or go through or had to go without is wild to her. That’s it’s hard to imagine. But that it’s still easy to see how it made us the way we are.

But I was different. That it wasn’t just my upbringing that made me different like my brothers, it was something else.

So, she talked to my mom about it. And my mom thought about it and got worried that something was missed when I was a child. She kinda blames herself that I didn’t get tested sooner. And a little on my grandmother for not realizing something was wrong the last 10 years that I lived with her and because anytime I’d have “problems”, her solution was that I just needed to grow up and/or get over it.

So my mom got me in to a therapist, who saw me once and immediately referred me to the neuropsych department in the hospital for testing.

There was a 6 month waiting list for a consultation but I got in and was set for testing. 6 plus hours of testing later and I was diagnosed with ADHD - inattentive type and autism spectrum disorder.

It’s never occurred to me that the issues I had were part of anything bigger. That I wasn’t just weird or different. Or that rarely leaving the house would help hide how bad it was. I have heard some stories of how long it takes and how much you have to fight, especially for afab adults. But I went in with just the idea that I was maybe autistic and was just myself during the tests.

And I was diagnosed immediately. I really didn’t think it was that bad.

But here I am. I now have an answer to a lot of things and I think it’s made me feel little better about myself. :)

I was just diagnosed with autism.

#autism #late diagnosed autistic #autism spectrum disorder #patche talks #long post #text post

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vorejuiceguzzler · 4 years ago

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hhh ok im gonna vent for a sec

#ok so!! bad eyes club!! im a member #and its been quite a while since ive gone to get my prescription updated #and. uhm. im going tomorrow #whoch is good!! cause i cannot see for the life of me rn #even with my contacts in everything is eeally blurry #but because its been such a long time #im now nervous about something i used to do all the time #but also itll. be my first time having to like. say my deadname for something and that #sent me spiraling into a panic attack a few nights ago so #and im trying to like. calm myself down abt it like sir you have been doing this since 4th grade ull be fine #I DO NOT FEEL FINE THO #it doesnt help that im already naturally very anxious as a person #and like if the nurses and doctor are the right type of people ill be ok some people just are really good at putting me at ease #but the same is true for the opposite and the idea of having the bad side of that coin.#if anyone sees this and maybe has advice? or like just a suggestion on how to deal with it u can reply or dm me #but if not im sure ill manage in the moment tomorrow #its just been bothering me ever since i realised what this really entails #vent #my post

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familyvideostevie · 2 years ago

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i never really request anything from authors but you have just single-handedly written my favorite steve harrington fic on this whole entire planet. i love it so much i reread it after finishing the 4th part!! thank you for writing such a brilliant fic. can i request steve’s pov to coming home after reader leaves on halloween and how he felt when he meets them at the bonfire spot? Anyways thank you for writing this fic now i want to go to the farmers market every weekend. <3

hi!!! you are so wonderful! your favorite fic EVER? my goodness, you're too nice to me. I'm so glad you loved it!! i've gone with your later request, so here's steve's POV of when he and bee girl meet up at the lake! steve agrees to meet bee girl at lover's lake after halloween, steve's POV [0.9k] a no good at waiting one-shot, au masterlist __

Steve doesn't totally know why he's doing this. A part of him -- a bitter, angry, ugly part -- wants to leave you waiting by the lake all night. Because he didn't deserve to be left like that. He didn't and he knows it. He has a right to be mad, a right to not to speak to you on the phone, even if Hopper chewed him out for being a bit of a coward for it.

Plus, you weren't at the market this weekend and he's a little worried despite himself.

But more than anything he thinks he deserves to know why. And in order to find out, he has to talk to you. And so here he is, driving in the freezing dark to Lover's Lake. The main thing he's worried about is that he'll forgive you too fast. That he'll see you and want to touch you, want to kiss you, want to brush it all aside and pretend it never happened. But he shouldn't so he won't.

He parks next to you and takes a deep breath. It'll be fine. His chest hurts and he forces a deep breath into it before hopping out of the truck and heading for yours.

As soon as he gets in your passenger seat he knows that this was a mistake. It smells like you and he has to shove his hands in the pocket of his coat so he doesn't pull you to him. He quickly looks you up and down -- truthfully, you look awful. Like you haven't slept in days. Maybe you actually have been ill.

"Hey," he says, biting the bullet. "Are you okay? You weren't at the market on Saturday."

You look away from him. "I'm fine." He wonders if you know that you flare your nostrils when you lie. "Are you okay?"

Steve thinks about lying. About telling you that he's fine, that he's cold, that he doesn't know why you're here. That he wants to go home and forget about all of this. But being this close to you makes his chest ache and he wants to stop being miserable so he tells the truth. "Honestly? Not really."

"Steve--" you start, but he wants to get it out before he gives up.

"I wasn't going to come," he says, then shakes his head. Stop lying, Steve. "No, sorry, that's not true. I've been jumping every time the phone rings for almost a week, hoping it's you. But I can't bring myself to answer it. I've been desperate to see you again but I also can't look at you because it makes me sad."

You look utterly heartbroken. He feels no satisfaction in it, only like his own heart is splintering too. So he tells you that he wants to fix this because it's true, because he's halfway in love with you if not across the finish line already and he can't imagine things ending like this.

And then you tell him why you left. And his mind is racing to keep up because it's not him, it's not something he did, it's you. It's the fact that you love him. It echoes in his mind like a tape stuck in his car. I'mfallinginlovewithyouI'mfallinginlovewithyou. He's so stuck on it that he doesn't react at all, only blinks, wondering what on earth he's going to say next. You're falling in love with him and you're scared. Well, shit, he thinks, get in line.

"I understand how that's scary," he says carefully. He clenches his fists and fights to keep his voice even. "I just don't know why you'd leave instead of telling me how you were feeling."

"I wish I could take that back." His heart sinks like a stone and he looks away. Maybe this is worse, you loving him but still regretting all of it. "Do you regret everything else, too? Having sex? Everything before?"

But you tell him no, your voice pleading and it almost cracks him. But he's got to say his piece still, stick up for himself a little.

"Do you get why you leaving like that hurt?" he asks. You chew on your lip and his eyes track the movement as he keeps going, as he tells you, begs you to understand that you messed up.

But you take it too far, think the worst of him.

"I understand if you can't forgive me--"

"I didn't say that," he interrupts, tone a hair from desperate. Because that's not true. If there's anything he's sure of it's that he wants to come back from this. He wants to hold you, wants to make you smile. He wants to figure this out, but the car is starting to feel claustrophobic and he knows he's not going to be able to resist touching you for much longer.

And, if he's being honest with himself, he's a little scared now, too. He loves you, he thinks. He loves you and you love him and that's so terrifying and wonderful at the same time he feels like he's choking on it.

So he asks for the opposite of what he wants. "I just need some space, I think. Okay?" He can't fight his next move: the gentle brush of his knuckles on your cheek. Your breath shudders out of you and he almost kisses you right then just to stop you from looking so damn sad.

He spends the drive home wondering why he feels like crying.

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington angst #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington imagine #no good at waiting

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mikeyelistsukasa · 2 years ago

Note

Hello there!! Can I request a poly relationship between Mitsuba(alive) and Kou with a male S/O who loves to give them headpats? They get so flustered and shy, but yet they still enjoy them so much. Also for some reason I can see those two having a competition to see who gets more headpats. (I can’t really pick between headcannos or oneshots so I’ll let you decide ^^)

I gotchu. Woohoo my 4th request!!!

Poly Kou and Mitsuba with a Male!Darling who gives hatpats

Now if you’re not into chaos and yelling all the time then i feel sorry for you.

Because these two idiots would fight for the most stupidest things like “I WILL HELP S/O CARRY THESE BOOKS” “NO I WILL DO THAT.”

If you chose mitsuba then kou would be offended and doubt himself

If you chose kou then mitsuba will talk 24/7 saying he doesn’t care that such cute person as him shouldn’t do such a thing anyway

But you being a good boyfriend placed the books on the table.put both of your hands on their head and started petting them saying “its fine you two i can carry it myself”

You end up carrying nothing because they decided to carry both (totally not with a flustered face because of your headpats)

I mean at least they get along!

Kou doesn’t mind showing his flustered face that much he just enjoys the moment of his boyfriend petting him like he is some dog

While Mitsuba will always try to find an excuse of why his face is all red “ you idiot im not flustered!!!its just hot in here”

Small oneshot

You guys decided to have a picnic date today.so after placing the blanket on the soft grass and placing the food all around you decided to drink something. But you noticed that you forgot your water bottle at home so you asked your boyfriends kindly if any of them can give you something to drink. Not even a second passed as two bottles are shoved into your face “I WAS FASTER YOU STUPID TRAFFIC SIGN” “NUH UH I WAS FASTER…AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOUR CALLING HERE A TRAFFIC SIGN YOU STUPID UNICORN” They stopped yelling around,eyes on you as you stood up “its fine I’ll just go to the near shop to by my own water 😅” …… :( “WAIT LET ME PAY FOR YOUR WATER BOTTLE” “NO ILL PAY” you told them you can pay for it yourself but they insisted and you really wanted to drink so you just told kou to give you 50 cents and mitsuba 50 cents boom both payed now you can buy the water bottle for a dollar. They are both now satisfied. After some sitting around talking (mostly them lying on your legs while you give them headpats)and eating you said “damn i really crave for some ice cream now-” “LET ME PAY” … here we go again.

I hope i was able to satisfy you with my request! Please visit again :>

#tbhk hanako #tbhk x reader #tbhk mitsuba #tbhk kou #kou minamoto #mitsuba sousuke #mitsuba x kou #mitsuba x reader #kou x reader #x reader #jshk mitsuba

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moonlit-mizukage · 4 years ago

Text

Tsukishima Kei x reader Ache 2

Genre: Angst with a fluffy ending

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: It's been one month since (y/n) left tsuki, she won't answer any one now, but when Yamaguchi sees her unexpectedly, Tsukishima is now given a second chance with his love.

Characters aged up!!

AN: This part was highly requested in my inbox so here is part 2 of my Tsukishima angst! Thank you for all the comments and requests for this part! I was really happy to be making a part 2!

Read part 1 here! | Masterlist

It's been almost one month since the break up between Tsukishima and (y/n). Tsukishima was acting more distant with everyone then he was before. If he wasn’t working he was at home, hugging a stuffed stegosaurus (y/n) had given him on their first year anniversary. Yamaguchi would show up at his apartment to make sure he was eating. Yamaguchi was trying to reach out to (y/n). She responded once telling him she knew he didn’t care about her, then blocked Yamaguchi right after.

Even though (y/n) was putting on an act that she was fine to Yamaguchi, it was the farthest thing from the truth. She sat in her apartment, longingly gazing out her window most nights. She would stare down at the city lights remembering all the evenings she spent out with tsukishima close by where she was. She decided one particularly rainy night that she would head out to get some groceries.

The rain was coming down almost as if it was a waterfall. (y/n) had left her apartment forgetting to grab her umbrella or even a jacket with a hood. She walked up her block to the nearest store entering inside. Not too far from where she was standing, a wide eyed Yamaguchi had spotted her. He was picking up something to take over to Tsukishima’s house for them to eat. (y/n) just grabbed a simple bowl of cold soba already premade in a small cooler. She left as quickly as she came. Yamaguchi was one person behind her in line. She didn’t seem to notice him. She was lost in her own thoughts. He knew she wouldn’t talk to him as anyone who tried she would block them, claiming Tsukishima made himself very clear.

Yamaguchi knew how bad Tsukishima was doing so he couldn’t help himself from walking at a safe distance behind (y/n).He was having a silent battle with himself over if this was just creepy or if he had a good reason. He looked up noticing she was climbing up the stairs to what he assumed was her new apartment. He watched as she walked up to what looked like the fourth floor, third apartment from the end. He stepped under the side protecting himself from the rain as he pulled out his phone sending a quick message to Tsukishima.

Upstairs in the apartment, she dropped her soaking wet coat down on the floor. She approaches her bathroom as she falls to her knees, crying once again. The empty rooms are constant reminders to her of what she once had. She thought she may have seen Yamaguchi out tonight, but she worries that she had just imagined it due to the overbearing loneliness she had felt lately.

At Tsukishima’s apartment, Yamaguchi was now walking in the door to a sad Tsukishima sitting, still holding his dinosaur plush. “Did you get my message?”

Tsukishima reached for his cell phone that was sitting on top of a small oak table in front of him. 36 4th floor 3rd from the end. “What is this supposed to mean Yamaguchi?”

“We are going out, come on.” Tsukishima looked down at his pajama pants. “Don’t fight me on this please.” Tsukishima sighed.

“Can we just take the car so I can stay inside? It’s raining.”

Yamaguchi sighed and picked up the keys. “Let’s go.”

Yamaguchi drove them down to where he was earlier that day. He pulled up into the small grocery store he was already in that day. He left tsukishima in the car as he went in.

“What are these for?” Yamaguchi dropped flowers onto Tsukishima’s lap. Yamaguchi then began driving the short distance in the continuing rain storm. He pulled up in front of (y/n)’s building.

“(y/n) lives here.”

“How did you… when did you.... Where?”

“The place I texted you.” Tsukishima was already out of the car closing the door before Yamaguchi could finish. Tsukishima was running, not being cautious of how slippery it was when he tripped on the last step, scraping his right knee off the wall of the fourth floor knocking him over. He looked down at his ripped pajamas as his knee was freshly wounded, bleeding. The flowers were now damaged as he had landed on them. He regained himself as he rushed towards the door Yamaguchi had messaged. 1...2…3 There. He thought to himself as he hammered on the door. Tsukishima did not realise how hard he was knocking anymore as he just kept going, desperate to see her once again.

On the other side of the door, (y/n) was sitting in her window again sniffling. She assumed it was from the rain making her ill, not aware she had started crying again. She thought about how nice it would be to have tsukishima here to nurse her illness away. Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud hammering on her door. She slowly approached her door as she looked out the peephole. There stood a tall blond figure, touching his ripped open knee. Tsukishima?? She thought she was imagining it as she pulled open her door.

“Kei?”

He looked up to meet her eyes, sleep deprivation clear on her face along with marks from what looked like tears. Her hair was messy and wet, eyes puffy and swollen. She held her arm up covering her mouth as the other held the door tightly.

“Kei, you’re bleeding...” She reached out to him pulling him inside her apartment seating him on a couch.

“(y/n), these are for you.” He hands her the damaged flowers in his hand. She takes them and sets them down on the little table. “I’m going to get something for your knee.” She rushed off to the bathroom.

Tsukishima looked around the apartment, it looked as if someone was moving out rather than living there. She came back rushing to him.

“What happened Kei? Are you okay?” She picked it up to clean his wound.

He groaned out in pain. “I slipped running up the stairs, I didn’t want to wait another minute to see you.”

“Kei...” she said as she looked him in the eyes. Tears could be seen forming at the sides now. He reached over and brushed them away.

“Please just hear me out.” She nodded in agreement. “I’m not good with expressing my emotions… I made a mistake. Well many mistakes. I should have tried to talk to you about how I was feeling. I wasn’t intentionally pushing you away. I did avoid you and I was rude, and I was just-” He took a deep breath. Tears now falling down his face.

“It’s okay Kei, take your time.” She said as she placed her hand on top of his.

“I didn’t want to break up. I was just, distancing myself so I could hide my surprise for you.” He reached into his pajama pants pocket and pulled out a ring. “I was going to propose to you (y/n), on our second year anniversary this month. I just was scared you would say no, and then I just distanced myself and then I skipped dates to avoid telling you. I just acted like a huge prick and I-”

Tsukishima was cut off by (y/n) pulling him into a kiss. Tsukishima at first thought he was imagining it. He moved his hands up into her hair, adding more passion into the kiss. The two only pulled away when they needed air.

“Kei, I am sorry too, for everything. I feel so bad for what I said to you. Loving you isn't a mistake, it's the greatest thing that has happened to me. I missed you so much.”

Tsukishima pulled her into his chest, his heart beating in her ear drum.

“I love you more than anything, I’m so sorry for everything too. This last month has been terrible without you, will you come home with me (y/n)?” She pulled away looking up at him.

“Of course Kei. I missed you more than anything. I know you have troubles expressing your emotions, but let's work on it together.”

“On one condition,” she looked at him with clear confusion on her face. He let her go fully and got down on his non injured knee. “Will you marry me (y/n)?”

“Yes! Kei I love you so much. I can’t believe you had this in your pocket.” She said leaning down, giving him another kiss.

“I love you too, so much, I always have it in my pocket, just in case I saw you again.” She looked at him as she covered her mouth with her hand,

“Kei.”

Oh, and (y/n), thank you for giving me another chance and making me the happiest man I could ever be.” He pulls you into a hug again. They stayed there for a while. “Oh, Yamaguchi is in the car.”

She chuckled, “Let me grab my bag and we can go.”

“Is this your apartment?” he asked.

“No it’s my friends.”

On that note the Tsukishima helped her grab her bag as they headed out, back to their once shared apartment.

Back in the car, Yamaguchi apologised for following (y/n) and not trying to talk with her. She didn’t seem to mind now that she was back in Tsukishima’s arms. Yamaguchi dropped them off as they headed upstairs. The two changed as they climbed into bed together. Tsukishima pulled (y/n) into his chest.

“I missed holding you like this.” He spoke softly into her hair.

“I missed it too Kei.” She said, as she gave him a light kiss on his chest.

Tsukishima’s dinosaur plush was no longer his go to hold as it was still sitting on the coffee table in the living room.

#tsukishima oneshot #tsukishima angst #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu fluff

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jungle321jungle · 3 years ago

Text

Your Words Fill The Space Between Us

The published letters that detail the romance that changed the kingdom.

~~~~

Aka Roman and Janus send each other letters

Taglist: @angels-and-dreams @ollyollyoxinfree @gattonero17 @chumo-cookie @dreaming-always @anxiety-ismy-name @mrbubbajones @janustheliar @why-do-you-care @hogwarts-my-love

Ao3 - Masterlist

Your Words Fill The Space Between Us

September 18th

I received the gift you sent with your previous letter, and I wanted to ensure I thanked you for it- despite how bold it was. But I suppose that has always been something I liked about you- even if my heart very nearly stopped when Mother asked who the flowers and watch had come from. I was forced to give her the flowers (but I kept the watch for myself) after telling her it came from a businessman I work with (I am blessed that she didn’t ask which of them it was). Though I was disappointed to give up the flowers. I don’t even remember mentioning my favorite flowers and yet you knew anyways. Are you using your power for useless things again? I hope not, you have enough on your plate as it is without worrying about what I like and dislike. But if it truly crosses your mind do know that what I like are your letters and the rare moments we spend together.

But enough about that, more importantly I will be aiding my father this year so I too will get the pleasure of attending the New Year’s Ball. I hope when I arrive you can finally show me the spot you’ve described with the view of the whole city.

~~~~

September 23rd

I am glad my present to you was received well. As to your comment regarding whether or not I was using my power correctly, all I must say is that if it is my power I shall use it as I please. If that happens to be to determine your favorite flowers so be it, my servants are paid accordingly. Also, once I get more power laws change and I get you- so I truly see no downside.

I cannot wait until you get here, I will show you all my favorite spots here to view the scenery and my favorite places in town to shop and eat. We’ll need to think of an excuse for why we spend so much time together though, but we have the time to work out a story.

Speaking of, with this letter I am sending you a book. It’s one I just found by chance and I fell in love with instantly, I’m sure you’ll do the same. Be sure to send me your thoughts when you finish.

~~~~

October 17th

You are utterly horrific. Sending me a book that plays with my emotions like that. I wouldn’t have gotten so invested if I just knew she was going to die like that! Not even from her disease but from an assassin that’s horrible. Just horrible.

I stayed up to finish the last few chapters and now it’s late and I’m crying, but I don’t want the maids to hear. You’re horrible. And to prove it I’m sending you a book.

~~~~

November 2nd

I truly am dastardly aren't I? I laughed a lot at your letter, it was the exact response I was expecting. You never disappoint dearest. As for the book you sent me I unfortunately am yet to open it. I wasn’t planning on sending this letter until completing it, but things have gone bleak in terms of negotiations. I’ve been spending all my time locked in my office taking over my father’s daily work in addition to my own while he tries to calm things with the other delegations. At present I should actually be overlooking some documents, but I feel if I do I will truly lose my mind.

I miss you.

I know that if you were just here sitting beside me I would instantly feel energized.

At least the ball is next month.

~~~~

November 4th

I doubt you have even received my last letter as I write this, but I must tell you to withhold sending other letters. I’m not entirely sure why, but Father is suspicious of something and is having mail checked.

I’ll send word when the coast is clear.

~~~~

December 22nd

My father has found whatever it is he is looking for, so we should be fine now. But that did take longer than I thought. So much has happened in the last few weeks.

Mother’s sudden illness, and sister’s broken engagement, not to mention that the countries on either side of us have declared war and both are begging for us to pick a side. It’s beyond tiring. Father still insists upon holding the ball though, so I’ll see you then. I wonder if this letter will even reach you before you depart for the capital.

I hope I’ll have the time to show you around as I promised.

~~~~

December 27th

I was about to respond to your first letter when the second arrived. You must’ve sent one of your fastest messengers. As for your third and most recent letter I received it just before climbing in the carriage. We are staying in the Barony tonight, which is where I write this letter from. But I will wait to have it sent to you until I reach the capital.

I too hope we can meet up during the festivities, at least for a minute and even better if that minute was spent alone so we can speak freely. But please, remember that you mustn't push yourself too hard.

~~~~

December 31st

There is a small balcony west of the ballroom and past the room where the ladies rest. It’s secluded. We can use our usual signal, I’ll meet you there.

~~~~

January 1st

I cannot describe how amazing it was to simply hug you again. And as I said before it was wonderful to see how your dancing had improved. I’m sorry that our time together was so short, I will send you word as soon as I know when I can slip out of the palace. Maybe, two nights from now I can try? That’s when the commoners set up an array of stalls with games and prizes. Would you like to go?

~~~~

January 2nd

Of course I want to go! We will go and I will beat you at every game! But I don't have any clothes that would help me blend in. Also, how do you intend to disguise yourself?

~~~~

January 3rd

With this letter are clothes for you to wear tonight. I’ll meet you outside the gates by the large willow about an hour after dinner. And as to your question, I will be wearing a blonde wig.

~~~~

January 4th

You cheated. That’s the only way you could have won so many games. I don't care that you said you didn’t, you most certainly did.

~~~~

January 5th

You are free to believe what you like.

For the closing ball tomorrow we can meet at the same spot as the first night. And I have a surprise for you.

~~~~

January 6th

I swear I didn’t know.

I am so sorry. I didn’t know, I saw you crying and run off and I’m sorry that I couldn’t run after you. I’m sorry. Can I come by so we can talk?

~~~~

January 8th

You’re leaving tomorrow right? Please respond so I can see you before you do.

~~~~

January 9th

I understand you’re mad at me, and I won’t even ask you not to be. But I will ask that you at least try understand the position I am in.

And I hope you travel safely home.

~~~~

January 16th

Did you really not know?

~~~~

January 19th

I didn’t. My father sprung it on me, the same way he did to every party guest. He didn’t even tell me which nation he was leading towards in terms of support, much less this.

~~~~

January 22nd

Will you marry her?

~~~~

January 25th

I don’t want her. I want and I love you.

~~~~

January 28th

That’s not what I asked. I asked if you will follow through with the engagement.

~~~~

January 31st

I don’t have a choice. I thought I could spend more time living as the Crown Prince before I could reject the role and leave the crown to my brother. I thought I could do that if my parents ever brought up marriage- but this is more than a marriage. It’s war.

If I don’t marry the Delphine our trade routes are shut off- and since we already cut ties with the empire by my father announcing the engagement. If I reject this for you, I put the whole kingdom at risk. I… I don’t know if I can do that.

~~~~

February 4th

Surely there’s another way! Why can’t she just marry your brother?

~~~~

February 10th

Do you truly think I haven’t looked for one? My hands are tied. The only possible thing I could do to even have you near me is to bring you here as an advisor or the like when the time comes. I can find a way if it’s that.

~~~~

February 14th

No. I will not stand to the side just watch as you dance and hold hands with her for the public’s morale. I would rather die than that.

~~~~

February 19th

Please don’t be so dramatic. I am trying all I can think of in between my hectic schedule. But if you truly don’t like my efforts tell me, do you have any brilliant ideas?

~~~~

February 25th

Don’t mock me, Your Highness. You’re not the one who has had his heart stepped on repeatedly. You’ve been making me promises for years- am I not allowed to be upset when I find out that they’re hollow?

~~~~

March 2nd

You’re unbelievable. Feel free to sulk all you wish, meanwhile I need to continue my regular duties, prepare a wedding, and prepare for war.

~~~~

March 5th

War? I thought our kingdom was just to supply aid.

~~~~

March 8th

I’m getting married to the daughter of a nation who declared war upon the empire. Of course war will come to our borders as well.

~~~~

March 23rd

Father got the invitation to the wedding this morning. I wanted to tear it to shreds. Have you truly thought of nothing yet? Something other than me working for you?

~~~~

March 29th

I’m sorry to say I haven’t. In the months since the ball and start of the war I haven’t gotten anywhere with my Father- and Mother’s decline isn’t helping.

~~~~

April 1st

What? I had heard she was getting better?

~~~~

April 6th

That’s just the rumor I spread to redirect attention. She’s getting worse if anything.

~~~~

April 10th

I am so sorry.

~~~~

August 12th

It’s been a long time since my last letter, I’m not sure how many months. I guess I should follow custom and congratulate you on the wedding even if I am late. You at least looked very nice on your wedding day. You’ve truly perfected that fake smile.

I’m sorry for how I acted when I heard about your engagement. I know you didn’t want this either. And I know it’s late for this, but I’ll come work for you if that’s what it takes. The more I try to pretend that I don’t love you- the harder it gets- and the more it hurts.

~~~~

August 17th

Lord Roman Regis,

Please do not waste my time and deny that you are the author of the letter I just read. I intend to keep this letter brief. I do not wish to know what kind of relationship you have with my husband, but I must request that it ceases. My husband serves as a figure to both nations, and he cannot have anyone dragging him down. Especially not someone of a lower stature.

If you contact him again, there will be consequences.

Crown Princess Delphine Ekans

~~~~

August 22nd

Crown Princess,

Your Highness I apologize for any misunderstandings I may have caused, but please speak to Janus. I’m sure he will explain everything.

Lord Roman Regis

~~~~

August 26th

Lord Roman Regis,

To think a measly count’s son can not only tell me what to do, but he can be bold enough to refer to my husband without a title. I already asked you not to drag my husband down, and by doing so you have disregarded my warning.

Do remember that you have brought this upon yourself Lord Roman.

Crown Princess Delphine Ekans

~~~~

September 5th,

Ro,

You know all those times I told you to just get out there and just love the prince if you actually love him? Well this is not what I meant. I mean like you should speed up that “perfect” plan you two always talked about, not that you should wait so long that he got married. And definitely not so long that his wife outed your “despicable crush on the married crown prince”- however I can say that the papers are currently god tier with gossip. I have been asked for interviews like four times and I love it. Oh and have some faith in me, I didn’t talk to them- for long.

Anyway, lover boy should be able to help you out of this, right?

The better you,

Remus

~~~~

September 10th,

Remus,

Sometimes I hate you, and then when I remember we shared a womb I hate you even more. But even so, I thank you for being the one “calm” person about this. Mother and Father (mainly Mother) have been up in arms about how big of a disgrace I am, and just about every noble in the kingdom is in agreement. It doesn't matter that just about every unmarried woman pines after the Crown Prince even after he got married, because when a man does it- because that Witch known as the Crown Princess publishes my letter- I’m somehow a deviant.

I haven’t left the manor since word got out. And I am just flooded with letters from friends and other nobles, but truthfully I am too scared to read them. Maybe I’ll have a trusted maid read them and pick out the kind ones, but I am not sure.

I have no clue what is going on with Janus at the moment. I am yet to receive anything from him- most likely due to the Crown Princess’ interference. I wish I could know what was happening behind the palace doors... I truly do.

This is why I just wanted to run off to somewhere else, but Janus was confident he could change the laws for us and then we could go live quietly somewhere... I wish things were that simple.

I rather not discuss this anymore truthfully. I'd like to have a normal conversation again. So tell me, do you have any stories to tell of your travels? Reading them would prove far more interesting than anything here.

The best twin,

Roman

~~~~

September 18th,

Remus,

Given I am yet to receive a response from you, so I assume you are on the move once more, but I thought I should send you an update letter before you hear the filtered version from word of mouth.

I am currently being escorted to the palace. I know some will think I am to get some sort of punishment, but Janus sent one of the guards with a verbal message that he is handling this in his own way. I have no choice but to place my trust in him. Mother was still worried about it, Father interestingly seemed to be rooting for me but we didn’t get to talk more about it. But I know I will see Janus soon and that thought comforts me. Even though I know his wife will be close behind.

I’ll keep you updated on what transpires. But I still expect traveling stories. Like honestly, what was the point of you joining the navy if I don't get to read any seafaring adventures? You aren’t fighting in the war so surely there must be pirates or something? Or some stories about sirens and other such creatures? I want to read them all.

And in return you can have me as your wonderful twin.

The twin that matters,

Roman

~~~~

September 21st

Roman,

It almost seems strange to be able to address you by your name in a letter, but I like it all the same. I am very sorry for my silence and for Delphine’s actions. The former was a result of a few things: the first being my traveling to the battle front. I'm sorry I did not tell you prior to leaving, I did not want you to worry, but... I spent some time in battle. I was on my way back when your letter reached the palace and Delphine had taken it before I knew it even existed. Then upon my return I was busy dealing with Mother’s health and my war reports- I had intended to write other excuses here but truthfully I was scared of your reaction. I was scared that you would have just given up on me- on us. I had written and thrown away over 20 letters that I started without finishing before Delphine handed me a paper with a letter I had never seen published on the front page.

We had a long argument, about her not having the right to do such a thing to a “friend” of mine. It took a lot of time to cool things down and convince everyone to allow you to come here. Your father had sent me a letter saying he was worried for your safety, and that was enough to pull them to my side to bring you out of harm's way.

I am sorry I cannot currently go to see you, right now everyone believes I am just trying to clean up a mess that my wife blew way out of proportion and going to you would only start rumors. The knight who will deliver this letter- Virgil- can be trusted. He may huff and roll his eyes, but he does not pry and will not look at the contents of the letters. As he put it, he will only do the bare minimum of his job, and being curious and nosy takes too much energy. So you can send your letters through him. I swear I will figure something out.

In the meantime I hope your quarters are comfortable, let me know if they are not.

Yours,

Janus

~~~~

September 22nd,

Janus,

You are an absolute idiot. You went to war, without telling me? What if something had happened to you? Are you crazy? No of course you are. You’re absolutely insane- and I am so so glad that you are alright.

It has been strange being here in the palace, I don't often leave my room due to the looks servants give as I pass by, but my room is comfortable and Virgil makes good conversation. He certainly doesn’t have the demeanor of most knights which is enjoyable. Reminds me a bit of my twin in a way- but I think both would disagree.

Regardless, I have a request for you even though I know you will disagree. I wish to speak with the Crown Princess. I do not know how much you have told her, so I can keep things sounding one sided if you wish- but I want to speak to her. If you don't give an answer I like, I will simply write to her myself.

Roman

~~~~

September 22nd

Roman,

And you call me crazy. Why would you want to meet with the woman who ruined your life? You wrote in the same letter that even servants are scorning you- I will have Virgil report to me who they are so they can be fired immediately- and yet you wish to speak with her? I will not allow it.

Janus

~~~~

September 24th

Janus,

As you read this the Crown Princess should be receiving her letter as well. I kept it simple, just asking for tea with the promise of an apology. But before I schedule a time to meet with her, I want to know... do you like your wife?

Roman

~~~~

September 25th

Roman,

Delphine showed me the letter and she gave some unkind phrases to go with. I told her not to accept your invitation- but I think she wants to even more now. As to your question, I don’t know what I think of her. I hate what she has done to you, but I do not hate her (entirely) as a person. I admire the fact that she will go to great lengths to help her people, but I certainly do not like her. Or perhaps it’s better to say that I like her in the way one likes a business partner? Appreciating when they get the job done well, and hating when they don't. I am not sure if that answers your question, but I do not know how else to better phrase my thoughts.

Janus

~~~~

September 27th

Janus,

I met the Second Prince yesterday. He came to my room and chided me for not getting enough sunlight and fresh air, before he ordered me to accompany him to the gardens. He seems far too kind to be of royal blood. Oh, while he denies it I definitely say Virgil stealing glances at the Prince. It was quite adorable actually.

I am laughing to myself as I write this and he looks on, it is most amusing. Do tell you brother to visit again.

Roman

~~~~

September 28th

Roman,

Patton is definitely too pure for this palace, if he wasn’t the spitting image of father I would think he was illegitimate. As for him and Virgil... I rather not speculate, no one and I mean no one is good enough for Patton.

In more important news I will be accompanying Delphine to your tea tomorrow. At least for the beginning of it. Seeing you two together with my own eyes is the only way I can be sure someone won't attack the other.

I’ll see you then love.

Janus

~~~~

September 29th

Janus,

Since I am sure you are worried about what I and Crown Princess Delphine spoke of in your absence here is a few notes about what we discussed:

The fact that I have loved you since our academy days

That my feelings won't change no matter what she does

That I don't want anything negative to befall either country

She did not once ask about your thoughts or feelings, they seemed relevant to her

She doesn’t want me near you. She says it will ruin the reputation she is building

I do not know what this means for us, but at the very least I think I understand what you meant about having a business partner relationship.

Roman

~~~~

October 2nd

Roman,

Good to know your talk with her was for mostly nothing. She has more recently gone to my father about some scheme to boost morale and he seems to be on board. So she’s at least distracted for the time being.

In surprising news Mother wishes to meet you. She’s probably the one person who knows everything simply because she sees through every lie I tell. But thankfully she never questions me on the truth. You’ll receive an official invite from her soon.

Janus

~~~~

October 4th

Janus,

Your mother is one of the kindest people on the planet. She kept fretting over if I was okay, and meanwhile she is the one bedridden. And you were certainly right about her knowing the whole story, because it is clear she is rooting for us! She told me she just wants you to be happy, and marrying for love is something she wished you could do. She did also say she wanted to give the Crown Princess a “stern talking to”, and I think that would be hilarious to watch.

Roman

~~~~

October 14th 4th

Logan,

This year has been an absolute shitshow. Have you even heard what’ss going on? Because I haven’t heard a word fom you. But I suppose what else should I expect from the disaprearing count? I just want to marry for love and be done with the fucking war? Is that so bap? Delphine is making this hard, but I know she just wants things to be not war… it’s all so annoying. What should I do lo?

Your only friend,

Jans

~~~~

October 5th

Mother and Father,

I want you to know that despite all that has occurred I am well. I have gotten a chance to speak to the Crown Prince and Princess, and the Queen. Currently the Crown Prince intends to release rumors regarding the Duke’s family (which may or may not involve treason so please pull any assets out quickly) to stop the month long gossip about me. Once that happens, I am not sure if I will be staying here or returning home but I will let you know once I figure it out. Living in the palace certainly isn’t bad after all. The food is to die for. I may try to lengthen my stay just because of it. So don’t worry about me, worry about Remus who just sent me a letter detailing too many things about pirates that would make you cry in shame.

The lesser of two evils,

Roman

~~~~

October 8th

Crown Prince Janus Ekans,

I was quite surprised to get your letter and even more surprised by it’s contents. I have told you multiple times it is not becoming of a prince to send letters written in a drunken stupor.

Yes, I am well aware of the gossip in the capital that you have involved yourself in. But I saw no need to send you a letter of my own thoughts when I am not involved in your marital issues. If you were simply writing to me to rant and rave, then your letter was received. And I would like to say that I do have other friends.

Regardless, please expedite the report enclosed, it is part of our winter preparations.

Count Logan Ackroyd

~~~~

October 9th

Janus,

I went into town with Prince Patton (who gave me permission to call me by his name) and Virgil today. We went in disguise of course, but we got to go to a great many shops and try some good food. I bought you a present while we were out, but with the current circumstances I don’t believe I should send it with this letter. If you ever find the time to drop by my room please come and get it.

As we went about I couldn’t shake two thoughts from my mind, the first being that fall looks so different here in the capital, and the second was that it’s been nearly a year since we promised to do such things together. I still await the day where you show me your favorite spots.

I hope those times come soon.

Roman

~~~~

October 10th

Roman,

I too hope for the same, and I would love to see what it is you got me, but we have an obstacle at present. A few actually. While the war is finally moving in our favor, I fear that the Duke’s situation is less clear than I thought. In addition to that, Father wants you sent home to the county sooner than later. And if that’s not enough, Delphine wishes to speak with you before you leave- I will do my best to convince her otherwise. I’m not sure when they want your departure to be, I’m currently negotiating and thankfully Patton is on my side.

Janus

~~~~

October 11th

Ro,

So in my quest to find exciting stories for you I may or may have not taken a cutlass to the leg. It nearly got cut clean off! Or well that’s the story I’ll tell at least. Anyway, I’m gonna be home for a while so you should come visit your dearest twin. And as for get well presents there’s nothing better than basically all the sweets in the capital so I’ll take those please and thank you. Oh and buy me some of those racy novels you pretend you don’t read. Mother saw the word “tentacle” then burned mine.

Your horribly wounded and now sickly and pathetic twin,

Remus

~~~~

October 12th

Janus,

I heard from Prince Patton that there will be a party next week. He was asking me if I plan to go with him, and truthfully I’d like to, but I also don't want to undo anything either. What do you think?

Roman

~~~~

October 13th

Roman,

I’m afraid that your attendance will not be a good idea. But, I’ve heard sickness is floating around the palace. It would be truly tragic if I can’t attend. The greatest of tragedies.

Janus

~~~~

October 15th

Dearest Husband,

At least for the sake of appearances, can you pretend like you’re not missing your lover when we’re in public? It’s very nearly sickening.

Your Wife,

Delphine

~~~~

October 15th

Delphine,

I don’t believe I ever said he was my lover. Also if you want a conversation just come here. Thomas is a knight not a messenger.

Janus

~~~~

October 15th

Dearest Husband,

Sir Thomas shall be what I ask him to be. But on topic, if Lord Regis is not your lover then Queen Mother is in perfect health. If you’re going to ignore my and your kingdom’s wishes then at the very least be subtle. Please and thank you.

Oh and I will not be joining you for dinner, your sister asked me to dine with her.

Your Wife,

Delphine

~~~~

October 17th

Janus,

I’m afraid the party must wait (and for shame my meeting with the Crown Princess must wait as well). I have just received word that Remus was injured- not gravely though- so he is currently resting at home. I must return as soon as possible to rescue my parents from his madness. Well after I buy all the things the idiot requested.

Roman

~~~~

October 18th

Janus,

I love the jacket thank you so so so much. I’ll be sure to wear it the next time I see you, which will likely be the New Year’s Ball. I’ll write to you again as soon as I get home.

Roman

~~~~

October 21st

Janus,

I have just arrived and I already wish I had stayed in the palace. Mother is already talking about how lucky I am that despite the “scandal” she found a woman who would be willing to marry me. Maybe I’ll tell her to invite this poor girl over while Remus is here. Hopefully that scares her off.

Roman

~~~~

October 26th

Roman,

What do you think about eloping?

Janus

~~~~

November 1st

Janus,

You are aware of the fact that you’re married right? Also two men marrying isn't exactly legal. Also you know, the war?

Roman

~~~~

November 7th

Roman,

Trust me when I say the war will come to an end soon. And screw the laws and my wife. If I just kidnapped you, what would anyone really do?

Janus

~~~~

November 13th

Janus,

For starters I don’t think announcing kidnapping in a letter is the proper way to kidnap someone. Also I would like to point out that in the past years I always wanted to run away and you said no. Then a few months after I drop it you’re getting engaged.

Roman

~~~~

November 18th

Roman,

Virgil said the same thing. You two spent too much time together while you were here. And I’m a married man now. I’ve grown and I’ve changed. And running away sounds better and better.

Janus

~~~~

November 20th,

Logan,

If I said I wanted to elope with Roman to your domain what would you say?

Janus

~~~~

November 23rd

Janus,

You assigned him to be my guard of course we spent time together. Also I’ve been receiving letters from Prince Patton, he truly is a ray of sunshine. He told me that the Queen is doing better and I am elated to hear that. Please pass my well wishes to her.

Roman

~~~~

November 24th

Crown Prince Janus Ekans,

What would I say if you wanted to elope here? Well, I would remind you that you have responsibilities. While I do wish for your happiness do remember that the country lies on your shoulders as well. However if there was such a way that everything was sorted beforehand, then I would still say no.

Count Logan Ackroyd

~~~~

November 28th

Logan,

That’s unnecessarily rude. I will take your response as a positive one.

Janus

~~~~

December 4th

Dearest Husband,

I am apologizing in advance for what I must do. I did not anticipate such a situation, but the Duke has my hands tied. You know I will always do what I believe I must for the good of our nations, and to stop this war. I beg you to keep these thoughts in mind.

Your Wife,

Delphine

~~~~

December 4th

Lord Roman Regis,

I beg you to keep the crown standing tall despite everything. This is not your opportunity.

Delphine

~~~~

December 10th

Janus,

Is it true what everyone’s saying? That the Crown Princess is going to be charged for treason? Was that why she sent me a strange letter?

Roman

~~~~

December 15th

Roman,

She sent you one too? And yes I’m afraid it’s true… but I don’t think that’s how it started. I was aware of the fact she was working with the duke to supply troops using her knowledge of how both armies could work together, I truthfully think he took advantage of her. But her name is on some of the documents which can be read negatively.

I apologize in advance for my lack of responsiveness and attention to you. For now I need to convince Father not to execute Delphine and others in her position. This is all truly at the worst timing, we were in the midst of discussion to end this whole war.

At the very least I’ll see you come the New Years Ball.

Janus

~~~~

December 29th

Roman,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, love but I think I have things sorted. At the ball my Father intends to announce the annulment of my marriage- claiming that Delphine unfairly used me. That’s not true of course, but it’s the best way for us to keep her here as a “hostage” and to withdraw our support in this war and try to reclaim a more neutral stance. At least outwardly, things are always more complicated when you look closer.

But with the war coming to a true end, and the end of my marriage, perhaps it’s time I take ‘crown’ out of my title? Patton would certainly be a better face to be out there right now as we try to maintain the rockiest of peaces. And once he takes over maybe I’ll just have to vanish in plain sight. I know a certain count who would take us in without complaint.

We can speak on it more at the banquet, I’ll meet you in the same spot as last year. We can use the same signals.

Janus

~~~~

January 2nd

Janus,

I have spent the past day thinking over the words you told me. I'll admit when I received your most recent letter, I took your words to be akin to wishful thinking. But now after hearing all the plans you made for us, this sounds like something we can really do. My heart beats faster at the thought.

Running away with the Crown Prince, it sounds like a novel doesn’t it? If we were to leave, when would we go?

Roman

~~~~

January 3rd

Roman,

Ideally I’d like to leave as soon as the snow melts, but diplomacy is known to take it’s time.

Janus

~~~~

January 4th

Janus,

I’m ready when you are. Just give me some notice to pack up my things at home and to write a letter that will make my mother sob when she realizes that she can’t marry me off for a reverse dowry. Yes, I know such a thing doesn’t exist, but I’m not sure she does.

Also I spent today with Prince Patton and Virgil and my stance has not changed.

Roman

~~~~

Roman,

Do me a favor and keep your fucking mouth shut? I don’t need Prince Janus interrogating me anymore.

-V

~~~~

January 8th

Janus,

Virgil left a note on my bed last night saying in not so nice words that I ratted him out to you. I take it I was right! You need to speak with your brother then we can be official cupids.

Also I’m leaving today, so make sure your next letter goes to my home.

Roman

~~~~

January 13th

Roman,

I will do no such thing. No one on this planet is good enough for Patton.

Janus

~~~~

January 28th

Logan,

You have till March to prepare our rooms. No, I won’t be telling you my arrival date.

Janus

~~~~

January 30th

Janus,

I don’t know if I ever told you, but I’ve kept every single letter you’ve sent me. The good, the bad, and the pointless ones. I’ve kept them all in a box in my wardrobe and my maids know not to touch them. I think I’ll take the box with me when we run.

Roman

~~~~

February 2nd

Roman,

The Prince is being weirder than usual and is fretting over little stuff and he keeps mumbling your name. Do me a favor and take him off my hands fast.

Also he got very mad at me when he found out we exchanged letters. It’s not like we’ve been doing this since you left or anything. He’s so jealous it’s stupid. Sometimes I like to imagine what would have happened if you had been the one forced into a political marriage- and then I quickly stop because I realize he would order me to go arrest and or kill someone and I legally can’t say no.

Save me.

-Virgil

~~~~

February 3rd

Roman,

I have a box of your letters as well. Even ones you haven’t written but are about you- so even some of Delphine’s have been included. Our story is certainly different from that of other couples, and our letters reflect that. I’ll bring my letters as well, maybe we can organize them all into a large collection.

That was an incredibly sappy thought, and yet I wish to follow through with it all the same.

Janus

~~~~

February 7th

Roman,

I deeply apologize. I saw the play. I know we promised to watch it together, but Patton begged me to go with those eyes and that expression and I couldn’t say no. I will make it up to you. I’ll sit through an opera in the future maybe? I know you like operas even if I don’t.

In good news I plan to send a carriage for you, it should arrive on the fourth of the coming month. It will bring you here to the capital, we can see a horrid opera and then we can be on our way to our future. So you have a full month to pack.

Janus

~~~~

February 12th

Janus,

I can’t believe you watched it without me. It will take more than an opera to make up for this. You can start thinking now on how to make it up to me.

Roman

~~~~

February 19th

Janus,

As the days grow closer my excitement grows more and more. Even now I’m writing this to you rather than sleeping as it truly sinks in that we’re going to do this. I can’t wait.

Roman

~~~~

February 23rd

Roman,

My feelings are the same as yours. This morning I announced to my family my intentions. I didn’t tell them where we’ll be going of course, just that I will be relinquishing the position of Crown Prince and that I will be traveling. Father was enraged, sister was surprised, but Mother and Patton seemed to understand and once the three of us were alone they assured me that they are happy for me. I have a few more people (boring nobles) to tell, but now that they know there’s no going back. So you’re not allowed to have cold feet.

Janus

~~~~

February 27th

Janus,

Please if anyone was to have cold feet it was you. I’ve been willing to run away with you since the day I first laid eyes on the pretty thing you call a face.

Roman

~~~~

March 4

Janus,

The carriage should be here any minute, and I’m writing this letter that I intend to hand deliver to calm myself. My room is packed into bags, and I’ve already said most of my goodbyes. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’m sure time will fly when I’m with you. It always does.

Roman

~~~~

Jan,

Truthfully I wish you didn’t have to leave, but I understand it. So I wish you luck in chasing your love, while you’re gone I’ll make some changes around here so you can lead the life you want when you get back.

Be happy, and don’t forget to write.

Patt

~~~~

March 19th

Patton,

I have arrived safely, and both Logan and Roman are doing well. The former was griping about needing to share his estate with us, but all it took was me bringing up a few embarrassing childhood stories for him to loosen up. I don’t know when I’ll be home, but if you’re ever in the mood to frighten Father, tell him that we’ll need a royal wedding upon my return. I finally got to do the proper proposal I’ve had in my head since the New Year’s before last, and it was perfect.

I wish you luck in dealing with the state of affairs, if you need any help send me a letter discreetly and I can offer some aid.

Best wishes,

Janus

P.S. Fire Virgil if you feel like it. You can do better.

~~~~

A Forbidden Romance Years in the Making!

It’s been years since the ex Crown Princess and now hostage of the kingdom Delphine outed then Lord Roman Regis for loving a married man. Afterwards he was shunned by society and took shelter in the palace after his father begged for his shelter. Generously, the former Crown Prince agreed given he was tied to the scandal. But now we know that was never the whole story. Rather the two have been in a secret romance since their school days.

Now, as if his sudden disappearance was nothing, First Prince Janus Ekans has returned with his betrothed Lord Roman Regis, by his side. Previously talks of Crown Prince Patton signing the new law has been floating for a long while, but it seems the pen will finally be put to paper so a royal wedding may commence.

The couple will wed immediately following the signing of the new law legalizing gay marriage. And it will surely be a wedding to remember.

#jaz's oneshots #Janus Sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roceit #love letters #letters #a story in letters #princes

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sickgrave · 3 years ago

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I’m going to share a bit of my breast reduction surgery experience since I couldn’t find a lot of info about people that went through it while being chronically ill! Feel free to reach out and ask questions if there’s anything I didn’t cover below ❤️

Here’s a bit about prep and the first few weeks of post-op recovery (tw for mentions of throwing up, needles, blood, and general surgery talk):

Prep:

I was scheduled for surgery on a Monday and got a call from one of my surgeon’s nurses on Friday (since they close over the weekend) to go over prep. I was allowed to eat until 4:30 AM the morning of my surgery since I wasn’t scheduled until 12:30PM, but ended up letting dinner be my last meal. I asked the nurse if I should take my usual meds before surgery (Xeljanz, tirosint (levothyroxine) and she said no. HOWEVER, when I mentioned that I take corlanor and explained what it does (keeps my heart rate normal instead of spiking to 200) she decided I should absolutely take it with a sip of water the morning of. Make sure to go down the list, ask EXPLICITLY about your medications and explain why you may have hesitancies about not taking them. Sometimes nurses just... don’t know what drugs do what- especially if you go through a surgeon’s practice and not a hospital- and that’s okay! The more thorough you can be the better you can make sure your experience is.

Day of (before the surgery):

I ended up getting called in early since my surgeon’s schedule seemed to be opening up (good thing I didn’t eat wicked late like they said I could!). I was taken back almost immediately. I was asked to pee in a cup for last minute testing (pregnancy tests smh 🙄) and given what was basically tylenol to take while I waited for the anesthesiologist.

The team was very quick to hook up my i.v. (one poke in my hand! that’s a new record honestly) and shortly after the surgeon came in with a student to make guide marks with a pen- we also discussed my goals one last time to make sure we were on the same page about size. I was walked over to the surgical table, situated myself, and got about 5 words in before I knocked out for good!

While I was briefed about the possibility of having drains inserted there was a good chance I would be sent home without them. I personally didn’t need them but you might- and your nurses and surgeon will go into great detail to tell you how to care for them and when you should be able to remove them!

Day of (after the surgery):

This is where it gets the most hazy for me. I know I was kept in the facility for an hour after the surgery but don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember the nurse helping me get dressed, or wheeling me outside. I do remember throwing up quite violently and not being able to figure out where the vomit bag was or how to keep it in front of my face. I do remember the heat really getting to me and thinking I wouldn’t feel so sick if I were inside and cooled. If you have a home with stairs or live in an apartment I highly recommend you DON’T CLIMB STAIRS. Maybe arrange to stay with a friend or at a hotel if you can, or stay on the first floor of your home. Even with 2 people helping me I stumbled almost drunkenly, while vomiting, just praying I could get to my recliner before I passed back out again. It was terrifying and I definitely didn’t have the strength to deal with it- I’m lucky I didn’t crack my head on the concrete stairs outside or fall flat on my chest.

I vaguely remember being fed ice chips (highly suggest having ice ready, as well as popsicles and ice cream) and sleeping a lot. Once I was awake, we discovered I couldn’t take the pain meds I was given due to allergies. I ended up taking extra strength tylenol at normal doses and though I was uncomfortable, I made it by just fine. The pain levels are pretty exhausting but I think the worst part is that it’s consistently achey and feels tight- like your breasts are way too high on your chest. I was allowed to use ice packs for 20 minutes at a time but my cousin who recently had the same procedure was told to completely avoid it. As with most things listen to your surgeon and their specific instructions for YOU and your body- there’s usually a reason.

Post-op (1 day after):

This seemed quick to me, but the day after my surgery I went back to see my surgeon. He removed the surgical bra I was sent home with and I IMMEDIATELY got nauseous and gagged a lot- but once I had ice packs and a cool drink I felt alright. There’s a lot of bruising and swelling the first week so your tits look pretty gnarly. If you have any signs of infection you’ll be put on antibiotics, but luckily for me I seemed to be healing just fine. The back relief and lack of weight is amazingly immediate though! I could already feel miles and miles better.

I was told that I could shower the next day (wed) and to be careful about it. I fully recommend taking it SUPER slow. The release of pressure when removing the surgical bra really takes it out of you. I was able to shower for maybe 5 minutes before I had to tap out and vomit some more. It felt amazing to get clean though.

Recovery:

I tried to get back to work (I’m still remote so this would’ve just been sitting up and being on my computer) 2 days after but couldn’t handle sitting up like that. By Friday (the 4th day) I was much better. I wasn’t nauseous anymore and could sit up and work, pay attention better to the tv/games, and just all around felt more aware and in less pain.

At my 1 week post op I didn’t feel sick when removing the bra and was told I could start wearing zip front sports bras. I could start to lift my arms pretty well and now (at 3 weeks post op) I’m able to lift my arms above my head without any pain or weakness. The 2 week mark is when I’d say I noticed the most leakage from my wounds. While I didn’t tear anything (which is totally normal, just make sure to reach out if it seems excessive!) my bandages did have a bit of blood and fluid, mostly around the under-boob.

My wounds are already fading so well and since most of the wounds are closed up I’m not really leaking anymore. The only pains I have are the occasional ache and a shooting pain you’ll feel in your nipples every now and again, which is good because nerves are reconnecting but really sucks for about half a second.

Having multiple chronic illnesses I think it took me a little longer to get to a place where I felt comfortable resuming tasks. I’m definitely still a little more weak than usual and can’t push myself as far as I usually do. I’ll try to add more info as I remember it and share any questions that come my way!

Overall I’m super happy with the results and the few days of throwing up (which is my personal hell tbh I can stand a lot but vomit is the last of it) were worth it looking back.

#went from a 32GG to what seems like a 32D but I'm still healing!#breast reduction #reduction surgery #personal #chronic illness #spoonie

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clichesadmusic · 4 years ago

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The Enderwalk Saga. Chapter 1: The Lessons

I take notes from streams the same way I take notes for my classes which means kinda chaos....so yeah. If you want my whole recap of Ranboos lore so far send me a message and ill share it to you :)

Opens on Michael's room, Ranboo holding an axe and moving slowly towards him before switching it out for a golden apple he throws at him

Ranboo tells michael that everything is going well

He tells Michael that he has to go talk to Foolish about the mansion and the payment and leaves

He goes towards the mansion, saying that it’s looking great.

He wanders around the mansion looking for Foolish, finding him in the library.

They tour around the mansion, discussing what the different rooms could be (war room, reading nook, attic, etc)

There is a secret area off of the war room

Foolish thanks Ranboo for the deal with the shulker box but Ranboo doesn't remeber making that deal, but Foolish thinks he does

Foolishs voice fades down and we hear a really loud enderman sound, Ranboo seems really rattled by this as foolish fades back in, still talking about the mansion

Ranboo tells foolish that he has to go, that something came up

Ranboo leaves, and says that he remembered something when the enderman noise came.

"What was that supposed to be… What deal did I make with Foolish"-R

He says that is probably doesn't matter that "it probably doesn't mean that much"-R

Ranboo assumes his reaction is from walking all through the mansion, from all the stairs

"I need to stop beating around the bush when it comes to my issues"-R

(Something about lesson 14-”If you have the opportunity to gain a favor, take it.”)

"Has nothing to do with the experiments I've been doing"-R (WHAT THE FUCK FOES THAT MEAN)

He walks to the Bee n Boo, saying that he reverse it and needs to finish it

The enderman noise comes back and Ranboo seems confused by it (lesson 27- “Do not reminisce on what you have lost for it will weigh you down”)

"Why am I remembering only this"-R

Ranboo claims it's fine, it's nothing, it can't be anything

"This has something to do….."-R

"He's still in prison"-R

(Assumes it has something to do with Dream/Dreams voice)

"Can't have anything to do with him, there's no way"-R

"It's just cause I need to eat some potatoes"-R

Ranboo keeps repeating that everything is fine, Dream is in prison, Sam promised

Ranboo starts walking towards the panic room

"Why now, it was all going so well too, because is what?"-R

Says he needs to go on a walk to clear his head

Says that he needs to tell people, tell people what he's done

"They wouldn't hold it against me"-R

"They might hate me for a little bit but at least then they'll know"-R

Enderman noise comes back

(Lesson 53- “Never fully trust someone”)

"I figured out how to cause it"-R

"I promised myself I wouldn't go in [the prison] again"-R

Ranboo says he should go home, enderman noise (Lesson 67- “Leave no evidence of what you have helped with”)

"It's just cause I haven't eaten"-R (liaaarrrrr)

"Or it could have something to do with the experiments you idiot!"-R

Ranboo knew if he experimented, tried to figure out how to trigger it there would be side effects but they aren't what he expected

"I don't even know what these are"-R

"I can just go home and it will all be fine"-R

"It was fine for so long and then I decided to figure out how to stop it"-R

"This is just a momentary thing"-R (the enderman noises and remembering the lessons)

Grabs the memory book "this has something to do ...not it can't. I've moved past everything that happened before"-R

"I figured it out, it hasn't been happening"-R

Enderman noise ("is it fine") (lesson 94- “DO NOT LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE”)

"I have to go to the prison"-R

"It was the 4th book, I have to go to the prison, I have to go, I have to go to the prison now"-R

"I have to talk to Sam"-R

",There could hundreds more, there could be thousands more"-R (referring to the lessons)

"It's for the greater good"-R

He goes to the prison entrance to talk to Sam

Sam is cleaning up holes infront of the prison.

And ranboo says that he has to go in the prison

He begs Sam to let him into the prison

Sam says he can't do that because Ranboo told him not to let him in

Sam thinks Ranboo wants to visit Dream

Ranboo tells Sam that he needs to be put in the prison

"I can't tell you why but I just need you to trust me"-R

Sam continues to refuse because he won't put an innocent person in the prison and ranboo refuses to tell him what he's done

"Just for a little bit, just for maybe a couple years"-R

Sam refused to believe there is a reason

"There's 93 of them Sam!"-R

Sam continues to refuse

"What if I payed you?"-R

"No, no I won't put you in for something you're imagining you've done wrong"-S

"I don't know how many reasons there could be"-R

"I can't out you in the prison, you wouldn't be able to go see Michael, what would Tubbo do"-S

"That's exactly why I have to"-R

"What if I put myself in"-R

"You're a good person Ranboo"-S

"That means that you can trust me, you can trust my decision"-R

"I've blown….I can't say it"-R (about to tell Sam that he blew up the community house but coulnd't bring himself to do it

"It's dangerous to put another person in the prison for security"-S

"I think you need to go home Ranboo, go see Michael".-S He takes out his sword, ranboo asks if he is going to kill him and Sam says he doesn't want to.

"You're a good person"-S

"I am? I don't think so Sam"-R

"I do, even if you don't"-S (Sam is a certified Ranboo apologist)

Ranboo leaves the prison. Saying that he knows what he needs to do

"I'm not gonna get in there, I at least need answers, I need answers right now, I need to go. I know who can give me answers"-R

"I have to go to the one person who can give me answers in regards to this"-R (WHO THE HECK....as in enderwalk you???)

"I shouldn't have done anything"-R (referring to the experiments)

"I've opened up Pandora's box and I don't know what to do"-R

"There's no way to close it"-R

"There is one thing that can give me answers, I know what to do"-R

"It won't hurt, it's just the way that the enderwalk works, something I've been trying to figure out, for a long time"-R

Ranboo goes back to his house, and starts making potions

"If I can't get answers from anyone else, the. I know the one thing that can give me answers"-R

He looks into his memory book, goes to a new page and writes “What am I?”

"The one thing that can give me answers is myself"-R

Ranboo takes potion (which is just a splash bottle of water) out of the brewing stand. The screen goes black, splash potion sounds, enderman pain sound

Lore screen face (not the dream face, the other one) that is purple eyes, unlike the beginning of the stream that had his red and green eyes

SEE YOU SOON

(note: the lessons showed up on screen as if they were written in a book, the 4th book)

Post lore stream: The enderwalk is brought on by fear, or other sudden intense emotions, Ranboo did not harm himself at the end to make it happen, it was just the fear of the water hurting

Please excuse any spelling mistakes, I did not edit this.

#dream smp #dream smp recap #ranboo #ranboo lore recap

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leniinero · 3 years ago

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November 4th 2021 4:49am

Throwback posts//

December 1st 2020

There have been times in my life especially lately where I've needed someone to talk to because I feel so down and lonely and have reached out and those very people either straight up said "no, not here for all of that" or "i try to keep positive so I'd rather not listen to sad stuff" or "not this again!....just cheer up! Think happy thoughts!"

Okay. Great. That's so easy. 😒

Um okay. So next time people wonder why I'm so quiet and keep to myself. This is why.

I dont want to bother anyone.

No one looks out for Lenii. Am I supposed to have this figured out by 31? Like is that there blueprint?

I scream but nobody listens.

Clinical depression is real and it brings a mess of friends. There's a block party in our heads that we weren't invited to.

The demons ain't the only ones up at night.

January 14, 2020

People dont understand how severe depression can be and how it affects everyone differently.

People really think you just dont care about the way you look, how clean your area, your schooling, your health is etc. You do care, you always care, you're just sucked so deep in your head that doing anything else seems impossible. You cant get over depression or even work on it when people around you, those that claim to love/care for you, give you shit. And say "it's a phase"; "get over it, pull yourself out of it!" Dont you think if it were that easy mental illness would be a thing? Ever?

It's like those 80s movies or that episode of Supernatural where you're running from the monster you cant see....or hear but you know it's there because you sense it. It's there! So you run into your room, block the doors and windows, sit on your bed. And try to breathe, you think you're safe so you start to calm down so you can focus on what to do next. How to stay alive.

And right when all starts to seem well, the monster you thought you left on the other side of the door.....grabs you by the ankles and starts to pull you under the bed. You cry, you scream, you knock shit over. And all that left is a mess. A mess and your nail Marks on the floor.

We do know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, we just don't think we deserve to see it.

Instead of at least trying to understand or be there for this person or even just listening; you're judging and assuming.

Hey, how about you just ask? Or even a "hang in there buddy!" Would do just fine.

I'm over it. ✌

October 17, 2020

#TMI

I dont just think people don't understand the severity of depression. If you couple it with anxiety, its even worse. I've had a clear plan in my head since my mom died in 2014, a plan of what I've wanted to do with my life. I've seen a post of about how they take months to do something that would only take 30 minutes because that's what depression does to you. Its more than a quick moment of sadness or uncertainty;its more than a funk. Its a serious thing that a lof of people just brush off when someone else has it. I think that's why "Glass House" is such an important song to me. Because its therapeutic even if it is sad. Because even if it increases the pain, it makes me feel understood. Even if it is by complete strangers like Kells & Naomi.

I spent all of my 20s in waste. I moved to another state to start over..Im almost 31 and I've done little to nothing to make these plans happen.

And what's worse is that people keep reminding me of how much of a fuck up I am. So when I over post about stuff that makes me happy, that's just me, trying to make myself happy. I dont mean to be annoying.

Ive tried to reach out to people that I thought cared about me, people I've known forever as a last ditch effort. But nothing. They've literally told me no. Don't wanna hear it. Id rather not listen to you talk about sad things..etc. This is why I just keep things to myself. (With the exception of this post)

So, lets talk about you....show me a picture or lyric or quote or link that helps you get through hard times.

I'm gonna have to do a separate post on these songs.

#leniineropersonal #depression #suicide #mental illness #mental health #Spotify

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samtheflamingomain · 3 years ago

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25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

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katehuntington · 4 years ago

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Title: In Bad Waters - part six Word count: ±3400 words Episode summary: Still in possession of the Winchesters’ belongings, Zoë meets up with the hunters on her next case. When it turns out to be a little more complicated than anticipated, she accepts their help in order to make an important deadline. Part six summary: Sam goes back to Zoë’s hotel to pick up his lost phone, but the state he finds her in is both shocking and familiar. Episode warnings: Dark! NSFW, 18+ only! Descriptions of domestic violence/child abuse. Drug use/addiction. Angst, gore, violence, character death. Description of blood, injury and medical procedures/resuscitation. Swearing, alcoholism. Supernatural creatures/entities, mentions of demon possession. Descriptions of torture and murder, drowning. Illegal/criminal practices. Mentions of nightmares and flashbacks. Author’s note: Beta’d by @winchest09 and @deanwanddamons. Thanks, girls!

Supernatural: The Sullivan Series Masterlist

S1E02 “In Bad Waters” Masterlist

Preparing himself for a rant, Sam knocks on the door of room 17. He’s standing in the corridor of the Hampton Inn after the receptionist allowed him upstairs, recognizing him from the night before and believing his story when he gave her an excuse. It takes a while before someone grants him access to the suite, but when he’s about to knock for the second time, the door opens. “Sam...” Zoë grunts, sounding like a sixty year old whiskey drinker who smokes at least a pack a day.

As he enters the room, he notices the gun in her right hand, which she held behind the door in case she had bad company. The music playlist from last night is still playing, 2+2= by Bob Seger currently on. Zoë adjusts her PJ shorts, the Nirvana shirt hanging from one shoulder and her wavy hair a bird’s nest; she looks like she’s experiencing the worst hangover ever. “Are you alright?” Sam checks, carefully. “Yeah, just a bad night,” she mutters. “You were fine when I left,” he recalls, surprised by her state. She doesn’t respond and drags her feet to the bathroom. Sam hears the water falling down in the sink. She’s probably attempting to freshen up a little. “I left my phone here somewhere,” Sam informs, before Zoë asks about his visit. No answer, not even a smart comment. Somewhat worried, Sam peeks around the corner. Zoë is leaning on the sink with one hand, pressuring her other palm against her forehead. She has her eyes firmly shut, every muscle in her body tenses; she’s in pain. “You’re not alright,” Sam notices and walks in to support her, but she shrugs him off. “It’s nothing, just leave me alone,” the huntress snaps.

Without granting Sam another second of her attention, Zoë saunters into the room and turns down the music, annoyed by the sound of the guitar that only amplifies the throbbing inside her skull. Instead, she switches on the TV while rubbing her face, steadying herself against the back of the sofa.

As Sam observes her, the gears in his head start to turn. She seems ill, feverish almost, as if she’s fighting off an infection. Something about her conditions is familiar. Unable to catch a breath, clammy skin, dizziness. The feeling of being run over by a sixteen wheeler, a bass drum pounding through one’s head, as if they were inches from an amplifier at a concert all night long. Then it clicks.

“You had a vision.”

Startled, Zoë looks aside. Shit. How the hell did he pick up on that? Surely she’s a mess, but Sam must have the exact same symptoms in order for him to figure it out this fast. She cannot let him know, though, and so she recovers quickly. “No, I didn’t. It's migraines.” She shrugs it off and looks back at the television. Sam keeps reading her while the local TV station brings them the latest news. She tries to concentrate on the screen, but feels Sam’s burning eyes. Then she snaps at him. “Stop trying to find things that aren’t there, Sam.” “You’re lying.” Sam knows. She sighs with an eye roll and turns up the volume. “No, I’m not. Now drop it.” “I’m not gonna drop it.” He steps between her and the TV, blocking her view. “You were dying to know about my visions from the moment you learned I have them.” “I’m watching that,” she voices, annoyed with his intrusion. “And I’m talking to you,” Sam returns with an attitude.

She gives him a look that could kill and steps around him to have a clear view of the screen again, trying her best to ignore the hunter and not blow up on the guy. He better not push her, because he has no idea what would be coming for him. “Headaches, black spots, nausea right after you wake up,” Sam sums up. “You have them.” “Would you shut the fuck up for one second?!” Zoë hushes him violently.

It’s just now that the news on the TV catches Sam’s attention. She’s not just agitated with him because she doesn’t want to talk about the paranormal powers they have in common; there’s actually something on the local news that’s worth their attention.

“In Paragould, the body of a man has been discovered. This morning, Bill Van Dyke was found deceased in his own home, and the Paragould Police Department are considering his death to be suspicious. Local authorities claim that the family were home during the time of death.”

�� “Shit,” Zoë spats. “What is it?” Sam glances aside. She sighs, still watching the screen as another reporter at the scene gives more information about the incident. “He died the same way Robert Shire did.” “The girl’s father?” Sam checks, remembering the surname of ‘Shire’ engraved on Laura’s tombstone. Zoë nods in confirmation as the reporter in the studio takes over again.

“Bill Van Dyke, the principal of Woodrow Wilson Elementary in Paragould, was a pillar of support to the local community--”

Zoë doesn’t hear the rest of the report, the sound fading out as her gaze locks on the school building, which is shown on the screen. She recognizes that building. “It’s her,” she knows. “That can’t be. You salted and burned her bones,” Sam brings to mind. “I’m aware of that, Sam. I dug her up myself,” she hisses, as she opens her closet and takes out her suit, her actions hasty and on the edge of aggressive. “Something is keeping her here, an object maybe. Fuck!” “Guess you’re staying in town a bit longer than expected,” he concludes. “Guess so, but I don’t have time for this shit.” Zoë mutters and takes off her shirt, putting on a white blouse as if she’s alone in the room. Sam averts his eyes, awkwardly, but the huntress isn't bothered. “Nothing you haven't seen, Sam,” she comments, perky. Nevertheless he turns away from her, uneasily staring out the window. For a second he considers offering their help on this job, but he’s quite sure she will reject anyway. Besides, they have their own case to deal with.

Rushing, Zoë gets into her dress pants, which she just pulled out of dry cleaner plastic a moment ago. “How can you be so sure it’s Laura?” Sam wonders. “Laura was a 4th grader at Woodrow Wilson Elementary” she explains. He shrugs. “So? What did Van Dyke ever do to her?” “Her gym teacher knew about the abuse. My guess is that the principal knew too and didn’t do anything,” Zoë presumes, pulling a thin leather belt through the loops. “How do you even know that her teacher was aware? You couldn’t have seen her already, not in his short amount of time. Admit it; you see things,” Sam’s pushes.

Zoë huffs, half shaking her head and well aware that Sam will not buy the bullshit. She wasn't planning on telling him, but the younger Winchester brother might be the one person she can trust when it comes to her abilities. He’s special, just like she is, and neither of them have a clue what is going on. He’s in the dark, just like her. Telling him would involve certain risks, though. Afterall, he is a hunter, one who she just met. “Zo, start talking,” Sam coerces. “Alright! I see things! There, I said it. Happy now?” she cries out.

The confession is as much as a surprise to Sam as it is to Zoë; did she just say that out loud? Shocked, Sam stares at her, but he’s not sure if he’s so stunned by the information of the statement itself or because of the fact that Zoë just told him the truth. Disoriented, his eyes wander off as it slowly starts to sink in what this means; he’s not alone.

“You have visions, just like me?” he recaps. “Not entirely,” Zoë says as she buttons her jacket. “You dream about the future, I dream about the past.” “Like flashbacks?” Sam questions. “Something like that, yeah. But there’s no possible way I could know these things, you know? Most of the time I don’t even know the people who are involved,” she explains, frustration evident in her voice. “Tell me ‘bout it,” Sam replies with a chuckle.

A glint of a smile pulls at Zoë’s lips as she looks up. A feeling she hasn’t experienced in quite a while comes to her. Relief, recognition, as if a weight just fell off her shoulders now that she finally told someone about the secret she has been carrying around for so long. She wishes she could just get it all out of her system, tell him about the other issues that she’s involved in, but she can’t. Besides, there’s little time and still a lot to do.

Zoë slips into her pumps, takes her FBI identification out of her duffel and puts it in her inside pocket. “That’s how you pick your cases, isn’t it?” Sam now understands how Zoë can get to a scene with not much visual evidence, at least not visible to outsiders. “First I didn’t, because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. But then I thought: Hey, I’m having these flashbacks for a reason, I might as well check it out,” she elaborates before she steps into the bathroom and starts applying makeup. Sam nods at that, agreeing. “Good point.” Maybe he should start seeing the dreams as clues, too. If he had listened to the visions in the first place, Jessica might still be alive right now.

He watches how the woman of many faces basically shapeshifts, going from the groggy, hungover girl in PJ’s to an autorical, tough as nails federal agent. Zoë ties her hair back into a tight ponytail, the look really sending the message that she will take absolutely no bullshit. But under that facade, the role she takes on and hides behind, Sam sees something else; she is nervous, restless, anxious even. “What’s going on, Zo?” Sam confronts her, his tone supportive, however.

For a moment she stops fixing her hair and places her hands on her hips. The huntress takes a breath as she searches for words, deciding what she can tell him without giving him too much information. “I’m on a bit of a time schedule,” she admits. “I need to finish this case before tonight.” Sam narrows his eyes, concerned, trying to read her. “What kind of time schedule?” “It’s personal,” she cuts off, immediately.

Her eyes bore into his, warning him not to ask another question. It’s clear as day that she is not going to give him an inch on this. Intimidated by her gaze, he decides not to dig further. “What happens if you can’t put her spirit to rest in time?” “I’ll make it,” Zoë responds, sure of herself. “You don't know that,” he argues. “I’ll have to leave town, case closed or not,” she adds simply, walking around the bed to pick up her phone from her nightstand. “What?! You’re just gonna give up a case?” Sam disapproves. “I’ve seen hunters do it before,” she says with a tone, straightening her back and standing a little taller. “So? Then they suck!” Sam exclaims. Zoë snorts, not disagreeing with him there, but the young Winchester isn’t finished yet. “Laura will keep haunting this town and every one who might have the slightest connection to her death. Do you have any idea how many could end up dead?” Sam tries to make her see. “I don’t. Have. A choice,” she states, pronouncing her words slowly and loud, as if Sam suffers hearing loss. “You do,” Sam corrects. “You always have a choice.” “You should have a poster made with those words, Gandhi,” Zoë responds sassy.

She has gathered her keys and her motorcycle helmet now, ready to head out. Sam doesn’t seize his plea, though. “Let us help you,” he offers. After halting abruptly, the huntress slowly turns her head and stares at him for a brief moment, then she laughs out loud.

“No way in hell,” she chuckles, apparently finding the proposition ridiculous. “Why not?” Sam wants to know. “Because I don’t team up with others. The moment you depend on someone other than yourself, you’re vulnerable. You start to trust people you shouldn’t trust and when it all goes wrong, people die,” she states. “What about covering each other’s backs? Looking out for your partner?” Sam brings up the bright side of cooperation. “Apparently that isn’t for me, and believe me; I’ve experienced it,” Zoë comments, a speck of pain edging her voice.

Sam is not sure what the young huntress means by that, but he can read from her eyes that whatever happened, it still hurts her. He keeps quiet for a moment, but then continues with a calm tone. “Hear me out. We can take over the case completely and you can go wherever you need to go. We’re in the same hunting fields, so why shoot at each other in order to get rid of the competition when we can split up. Dean and I can handle this,” Sam ensures. “I believe you can, but I’m not the type who lets someone else do the dirty jobs. I got this one, I just need to make good time,” Zoë assures as she heads for the door. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have a crime scene to investigate.”

She holds the door for Sam, her piercing eyes telling him without words to get out of her suite. The younger Winchester lets a sigh slip from his lips as he looks up at the ceiling for a moment. There’s absolutely no way to get through to that woman, he thinks to himself as he walks outside before she locks the door. The sharp thumps of her heels echo through the lobby, when she hastily parades to the parking lot while taking out her shades. Just before she walks out, Sam stops her by laying her hand on her shoulder.

“Zoë…” She spins around, not keen on the physical contact. “If you need help, call me,” he insists. “You know I won’t, Sammy,” she reacts, pushing the sunglasses onto her nose. “Don’t - don’t call me Sammy,” he mumbles under his breath, watching her stride away to her Harley Davidson. After putting on her helmet, she starts the engine and rides off, not even bothering to say goodbye.

Defeated, Sam turns to the Impala, which is parked on one of the taxi spots. A thin layer of dust covers the black car, which seems to boil in the early morning sun. It’s awfully quiet. No ear blasting rock tunes from the radio, no Dean jamming on his air guitar. Sam peeks through the window of the passenger’s side and finds his brother fast asleep. He can’t see Dean’s eyes because of the sunglasses he’s wearing to cut out the light his hungover brain cannot tolerate, but his head rests half against the window, tilted slightly backwards. Sam’s thoughts go back to the day before yesterday, when they parked the car in front of the pharmacy and Dean scared the shit out of him by slamming his fist against the window. Of course, Sam can’t resist doing the same thing and hits the window right on the spot where Dean’s leaning against on the other side.

“Kelly Clarkson!” Dean cries out spooked, as he bumps his head up against the hardtop of the car. With a big smirk on his face, Sam walks around the car just as victoriously as his brother did the other day, and settles in the driver's seat. When he sees his brother’s confused expression, he can’t help but laugh. “Man, that’s so not cool,” Dean mutters with a raspy voice as he rubs his face.

“Got what I came for.” Sam holds up his Blackberry. “Did you have to wake me up for that?” Dean takes off his shades and narrows his eyes against the bright sun. “No, that was just for fun,” Sam grins. “Bitch,” Dean grumbles. “Jerk,” Sam returns with a smile. “I have another update by the way.” “Oh, yeah? What’s that?” Dean wonders, carelessly, resting his head against the cool glass again. “We’re staying in town for a couple more days,” Sam informs.

He got Dean’s attention with that notification, all right. His older brother looks up at him and although he can barely keep his eyes open, Sam can tell that he’s curious for more info. “What? Werewolf turned out to be a coyote?” Dean assumes. “Not really, but there’s still a case here,” Sam begins to explain, while taking the car keys from his pocket. “So? It’s Sullivan’s case, I ain’t touching that with a ten foot pole,” Dean makes clear. “Aren’t you happy you can hang out with Denise?” Sam persuades, hoping to change his mind. “Oh, no. I know what you’re doing.” Dean sits up straight and smirks, on to his little brother’s persuasiveness. “You’re trying to make this seem brochure perfect, but this isn’t about Denise. Spill it.”

Sam sighs. Damn, there goes his master plan. Although he gets the impression that Dean can't stand the female hunter, Sam decides to tell the truth. “I think Zoë needs help,” he admits. “The last time you thought that I ended up in a bridal suite with a shapeshifter and you got dumped in a septic tank with our damsel in distress,” Dean recalls. “Did she ask for your help?” “No, not re--” “- Did she accept your offer?” Dean asks again. “No, but --” “- Then we ain’t helping her,” Dean decides.

“Come on, Dean. We can’t leave her like that,” Sam tries. “She’s a big girl, Sam. And a damn good hunter too. She’ll be fine,” Dean assures. “I don’t know, man. Something doesn’t seem right,” Sam ponders. “She told me she’s on some sort of time schedule or something.” “Yeah, her period. Guessing it’s coming up to that time of the month,” Dean grumbles, sarcastically. He has lost interest in the conversation and crosses his arms in front of his chest, tugging deeper into the seat.

“She’s gonna leave town tonight, case closed or not,” Sam clarifies. Dean opens his eyes and looks aside. “You really think she would leave a job unfinished?” Dean wonders. Sam shrugs. “Apparently.” “That deadline must be pretty damn important,” the oldest brother concludes. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt if we stay until tonight, see if she manages to wrap up the case in time. But after that, we’re off to Texas. I was looking forward to that wolf hunt.”

Satisfied with that compromise, Sam starts the engine. Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Looking Out My Back Door sounds from the radio of the classic car, built around the same time that this song was hitting the charts. By the time the Chevrolet leaves the parking lot, Dean has looked up Denise’s number and is on the phone with her. Fuck the appropriate time to wait until reaching out. This is a booty call; the regular rules of dating don’t apply.

“Hey… No, you didn’t forget anything. I just couldn’t wait to call you…. Yeah, I’d love to get together again. I’ll probably have to leave town in a few days, so… tonight? Alright, sounds great.” Dean gives Sam an exaggerated wink. “At her place,” Sam half mouths, half whispers, making sure Denise doesn’t pick up on his words. “One sec, sweetheart.” Dean presses his hand on the microphone and looks aside. “Having plans for tonight, Romeo?” Sam glares at him and Dean returns his attention back to Denise, who started talking to him again. “Your place, you say? At eight? Cool, I’ll see you tonight then… looking forward to it, too… Alright, bye.” They both hang up and Dean smirks satisfied. “You are unbelievable, you know that?” Sam comments while shaking his head. "Oh, I'm unbelievably irresistible,” his brother replies, victoriously.

Just as Sam decides to turn right, a weird soft roar sounds from inside the car. “What the hell was that?” Sam looks around. “My GPS is telling you to make a left,” Dean explains. The youngest of the two looks aside at his brother who’s pressing his hand on his hungry stomach. Now Sam looks over to the left and spots the yellow zigzag arrow above an In-N-Out restaurant. He laughs, he should have known. “I see,” he grins and makes the turn. “Drive thru?”

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page).

Read chapter seven here

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