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thanksjro · 4 years ago

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don��t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

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COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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engekihaikyuu · 4 years ago

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View from the Top 2 - Review

Check out the Read More if you’d like to hear about this show! Askbox is open as well if you’d like me to elaborate on anything out of this.

Before I begin my review of the final show, I do want to start with some caveats:

So as I mentioned previously, the production once again went with PIA for their live streaming platform, which means that live streaming this show is very inaccessible for anyone living outside of Japan.

PIA is a ticketing platform that requires a working Japanese phone number in order to finish activating/registering a new account because you must call the number provided to finish account verification. So without a Japanese contact or a Japanese phone number, this platform is basically impossible.

I have a generous friend in Japan who was willing to share her account information with me, which is how I was able to pay for a show and use her log-in to watch the stream. I did not see this show in-person; I do not live in Japan and obviously travel is off-limits. Even if I did live in Japan, I would have qualms about going to the theater.

There are some logistical issues with this show because of the current pandemic, with the most visually obvious one being the small face shields the actors wear on-stage. They basically serve as protection against direct spittle, but obviously they do nothing to guard against aerosol spread; putting on the play is still an incredible risk to the performers and staff. Another difficulty they face is the fact that Tokyo is still continuing to maintain a nightly curfew. Every evening Tokyo performance needed to be bumped earlier so that spectators can leave the theater in time to make it home for that curfew. Keeping that in mind, the show is a surprisingly condensed 2.5 hours long, where I would have expected 3 hours given the amount of content it covered. This does affect the pacing in Act 2 noticeably, and I get the feeling that were it not for covid and the current curfew restrictions, it would feel a little less rushed at the end.

So, with all that said, here are my thoughts on Engeki Haikyuu’s final play, The View from the Top 2!!! This is absolutely not spoiler-free, for both the play’s content and everything that happened in the manga finale, so if you have not finished the series, this is your last chance to turn back.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t written a full review on a show since Fly High, so I’m a bit rusty at this, and I’ll probably leave out a lot so as always, my askbox is open for people’s additional questions!

The absolute main theme of this play (and really of the entire Haikyuu story) is the friendship and rivalry between Hinata and Kageyama, and the theme: I’m not alone. Engeki really did right by our dual protagonists by framing the final show as showing both of their journeys from beginning to end. Act 1 begins with that familiar sequence from the very first show: Hinata seeing the little giant on TV, being inspired to start playing volleyball, his struggle to find a team in middle school, losing to Kageyama in his one and only middle school tournament, and finding him again at Karasuno. They repeated the scene almost exactly as it was in the first show, and I think it was very smart of them to show us Daigo’s version of it, so to speak. That way we have a more cohesive vision of Hinata from the beginning of his journey to the end. Then they absolutely FLOOD the stage with a montage of projections with footage from all of the shows from the past five-and-a-half years. So already it’s pretty emotional for me, seeing how far the play had come as well as how far Hinata had come in the story.

To parallel this, the beginning of Act 2 actually begins with baby Kageyama. Yes, the baby Kageyama flashback with his sister and grandfather and how he started volleyball. We see Kageyama’s volleyball journey from childhood (for this they used a small doll similar to the dolls they used for young Kuroo and Kenma from Revival) to playing at Kitagawa Daiichi, to losing his grandfather, to being labeled the King of the Court, to defeating Hinata, and then having Hinata find him at Karasuno. And then they once again, they flood the stage with projections with past show footage, but this time they are more Kageyama-centric in the way that the previous ones were often Hinata-centric. And it just really highlights how much these two are meant to share the stage as the two main characters.

To see this framework and to know what’s going to come at the end, with the two of them reuniting in the pro-volleyball arena… just the beginning of Act 2 alone had me in tears. Another way they paralleled their respective journeys was to show us who have influenced them. In Act 1, there’s a dance with Hinata, Hoshiumi, and Udai (all little giants… well, Tsukishima’s in there too because he’s feeling a particular competitiveness with Hinata in this part of the match). In Act 2, there’s a dance with Kageyama, Atsumu, and Oikawa, because Atsumu and Oikawa are the setters who have had the most influence on Kageyama, and he’s drawing on what he’s learned from them for this match. They are not alone in their journeys, they have had people inspire them and be inspired by them in addition to having the support of their teammates.

The Karasuno vs Kamomedai match is interspersed with bits of action from the Fukurodani vs Mujinazaka match, so the stage was pretty busy for basically the entire time. The wires are back for some sequences so that both Hinata and Hoshiumi have a chance to fly, and there are plenty of acrobatics and lifts, and the same incredible soundtrack we love. Ryuu’s Hoshiumi is the obvious standout on Kamomedai for how many lifts he had, and they definitely tried to have him running around on the stage about as much as Hinata. It was notable how much they drew on past techniques and music for various parts of this match, since this is meant to be Karasuno at their peak. When Asahi was feeling particularly stuck/trapped against Kamomedai’s defense, they incorporated the tying-up visual they had previously used in Winners and Losers, with Kamomedai basically tying up and holding Asahi in place with ribbon. There was Summer of Evolution music when Karasuno does a great synchro attack, and the extras-wearing-Hinata-masks reappeared to show us Hinata’s “afterimage” as he flashes around the stage. If you’ve seen all the plays, you can’t miss these call-backs.

The flow of the match was fast. They hit the highlight plays and the highlight emotional moments, but we are clearly past the point where they need to narrate the actual volleyball to us. There was more dancing/acrobatics than attempting to place the two teams on either sides of a physical net with more overt volleyball moves. Everything was more intertwined and fluid than that. And actually now that I think about it, they have been sparse with their usage of a physical net in the past few shows, because everything has been a little more fast-paced overall.

They definitely wanted to highlight Karasuno’s rise throughout the game, to show that they were absolutely a formidable team, that they deserved to be at Nationals, and to show us all the ways that Hinata and Kageyama had grown. For most of Act 2 leading up to Hinata’s collapse, it really feels like they could win this. And I think it makes it that much harder for Hinata to accept being benched, because the team is riding this high and doing so well, and even Kageyama’s more visibly having fun. I think Takeda-sensei easily has a third of the best lines in the series. His speech to Hinata during the Kamomedai match is one that was really gut-wrenching to read when those chapters came out, and it was great to hear it said aloud.

And here is something I’ve never been able to point out because I didn’t do reviews for the past two tours, but I think Daigo’s voice is one of the strongest aspects of his Hinata. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the work he’s done as a voice actor, but when he cries or whimpers, it is genuinely the most pitiful noise. A lot of Kenta’s portrayal of Hinata’s frustrations throughout the story had an undercurrent of anger and frustration. He’s upset, but there’s always something behind it that says, “well next time, it’ll be different.” And I think Daigo replaces most of that with pure sadness, especially for this scene. After Takeda-sensei lectures him good and proper, and he accepts that he needs to leave, he just sounds so broken. It doesn’t have that anger and drive underneath, he’s just in despair. And why wouldn’t he be? A part of him understands this is the last match he’ll ever play with this team, his first real team.

We then see Hinata bundled up in a coat and scarf, watching the rest of the match from the tablet that Kenma gives him. Snow begins to fall on the stage as he slowly wanders through it, with Karasuno and Kamomedai finishing out the rest of the match around him. Engeki Haikyuu has always allowed for the losing team in a match to line up at the edge of the stage, say thank you to the audience, bow, and take their leave. It’s so symbolic, and it’s so emotional for the actors and for the audience who are in the theater. It’s a moment that just barely breaks the fourth wall, when they turn to us, the spectators, to say, “Thank you for your support.” And they mean it both in and out of character. And I was so so so sad when I realized that Karasuno would take their final bow as a team without Hinata in the lineup. He’s in the back of the stage, separated from his team, and he does take a bow, but it’s very lonely.

Now, I’m sure people are very curious about the timeskip material, and mostly I just have to preface with: it’s fast. It does not take up as much of Act 2 as you might think. It’s boom, boom, boom, cameo here, pre-recorded projections there, patissier Tendou interview, Kuroo in a suit doing a promotional commercial for the V-League, Kageyama’s curry commercial, a projected Osamu selling his rice balls, get the old team together, fateful encounters in front of the bathroom, GO! The only thing we see of the Brazil arc is Hinata having a brief flashback to tell Kageyama that he met Oikawa while he was in Brazil. It’s very short, and that’s all we get for his time in Brazil. Basically, the play is not the place to see Hinata’s journey and growth from those chapters because he goes through so much of it alone, and there’s just no time. The Brazil arc also brings back a lot of technical details about volleyball itself, especially as Hinata is learning the beach version, and that’s an area where the manga is the best medium to examine the finer details of the sport. I can see why a play version would gloss over the technical details to focus on the emotional arc, which is in this case, Hinata and Kageyama.

Because of how fast the ending is, it definitely feels made for the people who already read the manga; Previous Engeki Haikyuu shows have always presented the story in a way that was very friendly to those who may not have read the manga or watched the anime. You could watch just Engeki Haikyuu and not feel like you were missing out on references/jokes for the most part, but this ending would be way harder to follow for those not familiar with what’s already happened.

It’s difficult because I do feel like Act 2 was overly condensed to wrap up this story, but I also don’t think the timeskip material is enough for a whole play on its own. If we had stopped at the end of the Kamomedai match, and had a whole separate play to cover Brazil and the Jackals vs Adlers match… the pacing would’ve been slow and low energy especially in the first half, and it would be an odd choice for the final show of a series like this. My preference would have been for this play to have been three acts, three hours, so that we could linger on some of those timeskip moments a little more, slow it down, and let them land emotionally. But clearly the covid situation prevents that in this case. That being said, I don’t think any of those timeskip moments could really hit as hard as when I first read them in the manga. Narratively, that Haikyuu timeskip was so unexpected and so outside the normal sports anime formula, that the initial shock is extremely hard to top. It was fun to see how they presented everyone in the future (seeing Noya on that boat catching a giant swordfish, or seeing Ennoshita almost break a patient’s back) in stage form, but it’s unreasonable to expect them to give us the same feeling of ?!?!?!? when we first read that Noya was in Italy of all places after waiting weeks and weeks for him to show up.

I still cried in several places, it’s still a great ending to one of the best 2.5D franchises in existence, and it still feels like the culmination of their legacy. I don’t know how it would be possible for anyone to watch that ending sequence with all of the team flags and the chanting of their names, and NOT cry.

There are no more live streams until they complete the rest of their tour and then there will be a live-stream of the very last show, which I will be watching with a towel in hand for my tears. Feel free to send in any questions if you’d like, and if you would like some Strongest Challengers or Trash Heap merch, I have a sales post that I recently made.

#Haisute #Engeki Haikyuu #Hyper Projection Engeki Haikyuu #Final Show #View from the Top 2 #review #reviews #2300 word vomit for any who are interested

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veniteme · 4 years ago

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Hunting for Gems

season preview

ash island x reader

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When Ash Island is forced to participate as a producer for the latest season of Show Me the Money, he knows it won't be easy. But when his partner is you, a rising producer from H1GHR, maybe it won't be as bad as he thought.

2k words

As you stand before the door to the waiting room, heart thudding loudly in your chest, you think back to when the KIFF boys were in your studio eating cake a week ago.

“What am I supposed to do?” you slap Rohan’s arm vigorously as you panic. ��How am I supposed to act around him?” The rest of the boys had already left, allowing you to freak out in relative privacy.

You’ve been an avid fan of Ash Island since his days on High School Rapper 2. Once he started releasing music, your infatuation with him only increased. When Jay informed you that you’d be working with him for the entire season of Show Me the Money, your brain immediately worked itself into a frenzy. On one hand, you were excited to meet someone whose music you loved. On the other, how were you expected to function properly next to him with the entire world watching through a camera?

“Okay, first thing you need to do,” Rohan starts, “is stop hitting me! You may be weak, but if you hit me enough it starts to sting okay? And second, just be normal? Act how you usually do.” He makes it sound so easy, as if you won’t die on the spot the moment the two of you make eye contact.

“That is under the assumption that I am able to think with him sitting next to me. And alright, let’s say I am actually capable of saying more than two words in his presence, what if he doesn’t like me? What if he thinks I’m weird or annoying?” You’ll be crushed if this person that you’ve admired for so long decides he doesnt like you.

“Then he’d be a good judge of character?” You hit Rohan even harder. “Ow! Relax, I was just kidding. Look, I’ve known the guy for a couple years now, and he has no right to call someone else weird. Plus, he’s one of the chillest guys I know. You’ll be fine. From what I’ve seen recently, the only time you need to be worried is when the cameras are on.”

“What do you mean?”

-----

While you stood outside the door, Ash is inside, staring nervously at the production crew setting up the cameras. Unlike you, he is not nervous about the two of you meeting. He’s worked with countless artists, featured on so many songs, he is used to interacting with people he didn’t know. What actually scares him is having to be a functioning human being in front of all these cameras.

He’s never done a such a big production like this, never seen so many cameras all pointed at him, capturing his every move. Thinking about all the eyes that will be watching him through that lens gives him anxiety. Normally, he’d be drinking right now to take off a bit of the edge. However, he doesn't think that would help with this cold bad boy image he is already starting to have. On top of being a jerk, the public will then think he was an alcoholic.

Just when he thinks he'll burst from nerves, you decide to walk through the door, a welcome distraction from all the thoughts running through his head.

-----

The first thing you see as you walk in is the production crew. All you are filming today are some short interviews to introduce the producer teams. They’ll be airing it as a teaser for the new season. You bow your head in greeting to the staff as you head to your seat. And that’s when you see him.

The two of you make eye contact, both looking up at the same time. And then you freeze; your brain short-circuits and for a second, all you can do is stare. Ash Island, the guy whose songs take up a good chunk of your playlist, is sitting there, right in front of you.

You break out of your stupor when you hear his voice. “Hey, what’s up?” he says casually. And you realize you’re being incredibly rude to someone who is older and a senior in the industry.

“Hello! I’m Saf. I’m a producer for H1GHR Music,” you introduce yourself officially.

He chuckles a bit. “Yeah, I know. We’ve seen each other at the H1GHR-Ambition parties.”

“Right,” you say nervously. And you guys had met before, but you didn’t think he’d remember. He was always across the room or on the opposite end of the table, so you two never really interacted. In fact, this is the first time you’ve heard his voice, and not through a song on your phone.

“So did you want to sit down?” he asks. You’ve just been standing in front of him for a while.

“Oh!” you immediately take a seat. Now what are you supposed to say? Thankfully, he decides to fill the silence.

“You're friends with Rohan right?” he asks. Not really who you’re thinking about at the moment, but you'll take it.

“Yeah, I am. We're in the same crew,” you explain. “Why, did he say something about me?” you ask, feigning nonchalance. If Rohan said anything remotely embarrassing about you to Ash Island, you were ready to kill him.

“Oh no, I just remembered him drunk-dialing me last night to wish me luck on the show.” You laughed, making a comment about how dumb Rohan was sometimes. And that’s how the rest of your conversation went until you started shooting, sharing dumb stories about your mutual friend.

-----

SHOW ME THE MONEY SEASON X

Team ASH ISLAND x SAF Q&A

The two are seated side-by-side in front of the camera. Ash Island is looking quite stiff and uncomfortable, while Saf has an easy smile on her face.

Please introduce yourselves.

After a glance at Ash Island, Saf begins her introduction with a bow.

Saf: Hello, everyone. My name is Saf, I’m a producer for H1GHR Music.

Following her lead, it seems Ash Island takes his first breath since the camera started rolling.

Ash Island: Hi, guys. I’m Ash Island from Ambition Musik.

Did you two know each other before the show?

Saf: Well, of course I don’t think there’s anyone interested in Korean hip hop right now that doesn’t know Ash Island. But we’ve also seen each other in passing at events and parties and such. This is my first time really talking to him though.

As she talks, Ash Island appears to loosen up just the slightest. He directs his gaze to Saf when he speaks.

Ash Island: [to Saf] You… can just call me Ash.

Saf looks at him in surprise, her cheeks just the slightest shade darker, undetectable to most.

-----

“WHY DID THEY EDIT IT LIKE THAT?” Rohan’s obnoxious laughter in the background is only furthering your agitation.

“Come on,” Rohan lets out between spurts of laughter. “That had nothing to do with the editing. Don’t tell me that wasn’t exactly how it felt when he looked at you.”

Unable to refute his claim, all you say is “Whatever.”

“Did they have to put in the romantic background music and CGI cherry blossoms though?” you complain.

Ignoring your best friend’s following fit of laughter, you begrudgingly hit play once again.

-----

“Duuuuude I didn’t realize you were so smooth!”

“Our Bition Baby is all grown up!”

“You can just call me Ash,” Changmo repeats in a sickeningly sweet voice.

“What are you guys talking about?” Ash asks, only slightly annoyed that his labelmates had interrupted his studio time. He wasn’t making much progress today anyway.

“Did you not watch the Show Me previews last night?” Hash Swan asks.

“No, I thought I’d avoid the embarrassment of seeing myself on national TV,” Ash replies. He was there when it happened, he didn’t need reminders of how awkward he was on camera.

“Alright, you have to watch this,” Leellamarz says, pulling up the reposted video on Youtube.

-----

You guys are the youngest producer team in the history of the show. Do you feel pressured by this fact?

Saf: [to Ash] Do you want me to answer this one?

He looks at her and nods wordlessly. She smiles at him in return before addressing the camera.

Saf: Of course, working next to such big names and artists can be quite intimidating. But I think as long as we put out work that we can be proud of, I will be satisfied.

Saf: But I would appreciate it if the viewers would look kindly upon us as it is our first time on this show. I’m kind of a wimp; I think I’d be pretty hurt if I saw we were receiving hate comments.

Saf’s smile indicates she’s only joking, and the production team can be heard laughing behind camera.

Ash: I doubt anyone in their right mind would send you hate.

Saf: Why not?

Ash: All you do is sit and smile and release music. What could anyone possibly say about you?

Saf: …I’ll take that as a compliment.

Ash: It was one.

-----

“I hope you know that if you break her heart,” Changmo starts, “I’m petitioning to kick you out of the company. I am NOT risking losing an invite to AOMG-H1GHR parties because of you.”

Ash rolls his eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, dude. Glad to know you have so much faith in me. But also, chill out. I haven’t even done anything yet.”

“Yet? So you are planning on making a move?” Hash Swan questions. Ash sighs. Why are these guys reading so much into everything he says?

“No, I am not making a move, I barely know her,” Ash refutes. “She’s just a producer that I will be working with for the next couple months.” That day was the first time he’d ever talked to you. There is no reason to get excited about anything just yet, even if he does think you have a nice smile.

“Come on, Ash. She’s not just a producer,” Leellamarz points out. Ash is a bit wary of where he’s going with this-

“She’s a very cute producer.” -and rightfully so. Ash really can’t catch a break with these guys. They all burst out laughing, and Changmo gives Leella a high-five.

“Whatever,” Ash mutters. “Why the sudden interest in my love life anyway?”

“Wow, you’re not even gonna try and deny that you think she’s cute?” Hash asks. This guy is way too observant.

“I have eyes. How am I supposed to not think she’s cute?” Ash says bluntly.

“You know, contrary to what you may believe, not everybody has to find her cute,” Changmo says, mostly just to tease him. “Maybe she’s just not my type,” he shrugs.

“Yeah, that’s because she’s actually nice,” Ash retorts. “And we all know that isn’t your type.”

“That’s never been your type either, Ash, so why the sudden change of heart?” Leella asks.

“Maybe I’m looking for a change of pace,” Ash says with a noncommittal shrug. This is all hypothetical anyway. It’s not like he’s planning on asking you out or anything. He just thinks you’re cute, there is no reason for the guys to make such a big deal out of it.

“Yeah, well be careful. You’re going to make some very scary people mad if you mess around with her,” Changmo warns.

“Please, the H1GHR guys are like literally the nicest guys on the planet. I think I’m safe,” Ash says.

“That’s not who I’d be worried about if I were you.”

-----

a/n: let me know what you think!! was the official show part too short? are there parts that sound weird/awkward? first time writing full fics so i'm always open to feedback!

#ash island #ash island imagines #ash island scenarios #ash island x reader #khiphop #khiphop imagines #khiphop scenarios #khh imagines #khh scenarios #hg #ambition musik

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chidoroki · 4 years ago

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..You already know what I’m gonna ramble on about, right? What’s got us manga readers feeling a little bit like this? Yeah.. I have words.

Yes, I’ll be chatting about possible future spoilers, so scroll past now if you wish, but if you frequently check the usual tpn tags anywhere today (or over the next few days), I’m sure you’ve become quite familiar with this guy already, so.. here we go.

Let me start off by saying that I was beyond excited when we first found out we were getting a second season to this series. Having read the manga, I had high hopes that the anime would do so well, given the first couple arcs that follow the escape from Grace Field. From the very beginning, most of us figured it would touch upon the demon forest, the B06-32 shelter, Goldy Pond and quite possibly Cuvitidala. Of course, that was before we learned that this season had an episode count of 11 and would include some anime-only scenes, so we started to have some doubts. The new opening threw us through a loop as well, as a bunch of us speculated exactly how much this season was going to cover in terms of story and what chapter it would end off on. I was still a bit skeptical, but I put some belief in thinking we might be able to at least reach Goldy Pond. The more I thought about how many chapters this season could adapt, I remembered that Fire Force (another shonen series that has its fair share between action scenes alongside some calm, lighthearted ones) managed to fit 90 chapters into it’s first season, which was a total 24eps. I then thought it was possible for TPN’s second season to reach ch96, or maybe even ch101, since the total ep count for both s1&s2 would be 23. The upcoming arcs (GP especially) are undoubtedly more fast paced than the entire first season, which was very dialogue heavy, so naturally these action scenes would take up less time and require fewer episodes to show off. I won’t bash the second season for leaving certain scenes out and/or changing them (as the first season did this as well, albeit less noticeable), but the obvious ones come to mind. The full snakes of alvapinera scene? It was good to see the escapees overcome their first outside world obstacle on their own, sure, but overall it isn’t too important. Isabella’s scene at the gate with Grandma Sarah? Disappointing yes, but I figured they could always include that sometime later in a future episode.. at least, that’s what I’m hoping for. I can forgive the anime for those changes at the moment.. but after what episode 3 decided to pull? Oh no.. now they’ve done it!

I’m sorry.. but who exactly thought this change was a good idea? The anime-onlys must think we’re going crazy right now but c’mon, CLOVERWORKS! Are y’all for real right now?? Yeah they never even announced his voice actor beforehand like they did with Sonju & Mujika before their debut, but damn it! Also, don’t take my word for this, as I only just heard and not completely sure about the credibility, but apparently after ep4, the rest of the season will be like.. original? And I’m not sure how to feel about that if it’s true? I’ll take whatever content we get because yes, I love this series to pieces and want it to last as long as possible, but after waiting almost a full two years to see these wonderful kids animated again.. I just wanna continue on with the story we all know and love, darn it. I know Shirai is overlooking this season and giving his approval or whatever too, so that’s comforting at least.. but still, I just wish we knew this a little sooner, rather than have us find out this way by cutting out one of the most anticipated characters of this entire series! (for the time being anyways.)

Yeah we didn’t see him this episode, but he’s around.. somewhere. No one else is around to write on the walls like that, let alone get into the shelter without a pen. (i also noticed it doesn’t say “poachers” anywhere, so that’s a bit odd too..)

I just hope that whenever our man does show up, whether it be this season or not, that it follows the manga because his introduction is fantastic and his interactions with the kids are so amusing. Honestly, he’s too important to cut out entirely. The same goes for the Goldy Pond arc, which I saw some others worried about too. It’s at Goldy Pond (ch73) where Emma and another man, who we’re also anxious to meet, both find out about how to cross over to the human world via the four premium farms, the supporters, and project lambda7214.

I also saw some people concerned about Mujika’s goodbye to Emma this episode and how upon giving her the necklace, our demon friend didn’t hint at The Seven Walls at all, which is why Goldy Pond suddenly becomes that more important for us to see because it’s also there where the place is mentioned, not only by the many secret files from the pen’s cap, but from Minvera himself (ch72).

Come on now, Goldy Pond arc also does wonder for Emma’s character and appearance. It’s here where we see just how serious she is about changing the world and saving everyone she possibly can. Even if she has to fight crazy, killing poachers, she’ll do it. (also one of those poachers becomes very helpful much later in the story, so there, yet another reason we can’t skip this arc.) Though this all gets me wondering if GP will still get blown up on Jan 29th.. oh season two, you raise so many questions.

Now, could this season completely change some of those scenes even further? Of course, they’ve already done so with other bits of information. Ray figuring out the demon’s weakness in ch62 during the trip to Goldy Pond? Sonju already explained it.

The letter from Minvera that we learn about in ch56 which was originally hidden in one of the manuscripts from the shelter’s archive room? Conveniently pinned to the wall in plain sight!

I didn’t notice this when I first watched the episode but remembered just now while skimming through the manga yet again, but the episode didn’t have Gilda list off the coordinates to Goldy Pond that Minerva noted in his letter.

So how will the duo find their way there? Well, you already know.. and since GP is such an important arc, that’s another reason I believe our beloved man will show up.... eventually.

Going back to the changes now, but it’s Dominic who reveals the secret room behind the piano instead of our favorite father figure.

Although this room, which is supposed to be a full stocked armory, is completely bare..

Like.. hello? Where are all the weapons?? Are they gonna make these kids go out and raid a bunch of the other fake/dummy shelters for weapons or something? which.. actually sounds interesting and fun now that I think about it.

I also noticed that the conversation about the mass-production farms Sonju mentioned back in ch50 was also cut, but I can see the anime easily adapting it into a future episode somewhere, since said farms are mentioned again in ch56, courtesy of the shelter’s many books.

For now it just seems.. I don’t know, a bit easier? like I recently spoke about how Ray had to figure out how the pen worked in terms of coordinates and yet the anime just had the pen show a simple map, then Sonju flat out told them how to efficiently kill a demon, and the phone that allows them to contact the supporters? Oh, they found that instantly, whereas geezer had no idea such a room even existed in those 13 years he lived at the shelter..

Have I spoke too much by now? Probably. None of the changes bother me too much, aside from the geezer’s obvious absence, but I’m still looking forward to the rest of this season, as I’m sure it’ll give more spotlight to some of the other kids aside from Emma and Ray. Season one just did so well with sticking to the manga that I guess we all got caught way off guard, huh?

#the promised neverland #tpn anime #tpn manga #chidoroki used chatter

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amwritingmeta · 4 years ago

Note

You don't think killing Dean the way they did was contradicting to his character arc and development?

Hello, lovely!

As the initial shock of watching Dean die is wearing off more with each passing day, I can tell you that no, I don’t think that killing Dean the way they did was contradicting to his character arc and development.

Let me explain.

And let me be clear, I’m basing this on my hopes and wishes for the narrative, for Dean, and they, in turn, sprung up from my reading of the narrative.

My reading has always, as all meta readings are, been wholly subjective, though I’ve striven to be objective, trying to base my reading in my understanding of narrative structure and possible production choices as much as possible. The initial shock after the finale came from how the delivery of Dean’s endgame stepped outside of what I wanted and had grown to expect in those weeks leading up to it, due to 15x18 and queer love suddenly being a stated part of the narrative.

Letting go of the idea of a long and happy life for Dean with Cas as a human on Earth, because that was simply the framework my brain invented to give them a happily ever after, I’d like to take a look at some of the other hopes and wishes I’ve had for Dean, in no particular order:

Dismantling the toxic masculinity ideal

Non-performance

Open communication and honesty

Self-acceptance leading to self-worth leading to self-actualisation

Integration

Clear sense of identity

Learning to let go of need for control

Learning to trust

Feeling deserving of happiness and embracing it

Ending the codependency

Teamwork and sharing responsibility/not feeling it’s all on him

Admitting to himself that what he longs for is to love and be loved

Believing in deserving to have a future

The world balanced out (no more firewall)

Putting the past to rest

Letting go of Protect Sammy as predominant purpose

Letting go of fear

No more Butch and Sundance/blaze of glory ending

Now, the more I think about all of these things in relation to S15 in general and the final three episodes in particular, the more those finale three episodes make me feel nothing short of delight for our characters. (sorry but it’s true) (I feel the distress of our family and it’s just horrifying but oh I do feel we need to take a breath together and calm down)

Here’s what I see. And what I see may come off as dismissive of people’s frustration and anger and disgust with the finale, but it’s not meant to be. I’ve always read this narrative how I described above, knowing that it’s impossible not to be subjective, but striving for objectivity.

Striving for objectivity by looking at what’s come before, the threads I’ve seen them pulling on, the overarching themes that have been consistent for fifteen years, the character traits that have been explored and narratively stated over and over again, and basing my analysis in these narrative constants.

So first, let us ask ourselves: was Dean’s death foreshadowed in S15?

The simple answer is that yes, it was.

It was foreshadowed by Amara saying that she wanted to release Dean from his anger, it was foreshadowed by Billie asking if it wasn’t time for the sweet release of death, and it was foreshadowed by the heart symbology peppered throughout the entire season.

Had it been coming for a long time?

Well, yes, it had. There were only two ways that his arc could end: him living or him dying, right? He’s died a lot, which is why I thought it should end in him living, finally, but let’s look at what the narrative tells us living constitutes:

fear (of losing his brother and of what’s around the next bend), as Dean admits in 15x17: he’s always afraid

pain, because the pain of losing Cas will never go away

Has Dean decided to deal with that? Yes, he has. He’s decided, by 15x20, to accept the loss, to look to the future, to not give up, to keep on fighting. He’s not even self-destructively looking for a case to distract him: instead he brings Sam to a freaking pie festival. Yeah? Dean is living his life.

This means that we’re shown him as having let go of toxic masculinity because he’s wholly non-performing at the start of 15x20, he’s openly communicating and being honest about the pain he feels over losing Cas, but as opposed to Chuck’s version of the “perfect ending” which was always tragic, where Dean losing Cas meant that he saw no purpose to living or fighting anymore, Dean takes that pain and is able to handle it because?

Because of Cas. Because of Dean internalising Cas’ view of him. Because of Dean being shown in 15x19 to grieve Cas, to want Cas back, to go through the motions (getting drunk etc.), only for him to realise (and yes the execution is lacking but I’m going to go with the narrative we have for the sake of this reading) that Cas isn’t coming back.

By the end of 15x19, Cas’ words have taken such hold that Dean not only eases up on control and is shown to confidently share the responsibility for de-powering Chuck by working as a well-oiled team machine with Jack and Sam - because he trusts them, he’s also symbolically allowed to fully integrate by refusing to kill Chuck, because his Shadow (toxic masculinity as passed along by John the Bad Father Figure) (John also has a good side but he had a very bad side, for sure) no longer holds any sway over Dean, and because of Cas’ words, because of Cas’ faith in him, through Cas’ love for all that Dean is, Dean is given the sense of self-worth needed to finally be able to move into self-acceptance, allowing him to self-actualise, to integrate.

Cas saved Dean’s life AND saved Dean from his crappy self-view. I mean. It’s kinda fucking remarkable that this reading is right there for the taking.

So here we have the narrative ticking boxes like JAYSUS, yeah?

Let’s look it:

Dismantling the toxic masculinity ideal

Non-performance

Open communication and honesty

Self-acceptance leading to self-worth leading to self-actualisation

Integration

Clear sense of identity

Learning to let go of need for control

Learning to trust

Feeling deserving of happiness and embracing it

Teamwork and sharing responsibility/not feeling it’s all on him

Believing in deserving to have a future

The world balanced out (no more firewall)

And this, all of it, is thanks to LOVE.

Because this is a story about love and... love.

So Dean being able to integrate thanks to Cas’ love is, to me, all about Dean opening himself up to the fact that what he wants, truly wants, and has always wanted (and needed, for that matter) is to be loved for who he is, and to allow himself to feel that very same unconditional love for another.

In the act of letting go of needing Cas back to somehow validate that love or validate Dean actually truly being deserving of receiving and giving love, we get the unconditional aspect of it underlined. There’s no dependency anymore. No fear attached to the emotion. Just the love itself, untouched by death. The healthy side to that profound bond that’s always kind of tripped these two up before. I mean. I think it’s kind of breathtaking.

Also, I’ve been told there’s an application that we see on Dean’s desk for him to get a job as a mechanic, which seems to me an underlining that Dean is looking to the future and in so doing is shown to feel deserving of happiness and embracing it. Something that I feel is established at the beginning of the episode, even without this detail, but is brought into focus thanks to it.

Dean doesn’t want to die. He has no desire to die. The implication being that he’s trying to make the best of what he’s got and is completely honest with himself about what he wants. Not owning a bar, but working on cars. The good side of John getting a nod, or so I would say. Especially poignant in an episode so heavily focused on Good Father Figures.

I haven’t seen the detail of this application for myself though, I just trust my sources. :)

Now we get to the meatier part of this reading: Dean and Sam.

What do we have left on the list of hopes and wishes of stuff to be addressed as pertaining to Dean?

We’ve got:

Ending the codependency

Putting the past to rest

Letting go of Protect Sammy as predominant purpose

Letting go of fear

No more Butch and Sundance/blaze of glory ending

I wonder if you might already be seeing where I’m going with this, but for good measure, let’s discuss the death scene and what it narratively results in for Dean and for Sam.

Dean and Sam end up in that barn because they’re two men who will not stand for harm coming to innocent lives, especially when those innocent lives belong to two little kids. This is who they are at their core.

Dean is killed by a vampire wearing a mask. Yeah. Someday perhaps I’ll make proper sense of it. Point is: Dean is impaled on a rusty nail that imbeds itself in his heart and sort of holds him together until the moment of his passing, giving him time to ask his brother to stay (zero performance and only vulnerability) and tell Sam exactly what Sam has always meant to him.

Which, for Dean, is vulnerability on steroids. Honesty times one thousand. In your face true identity flares of beauty.

This scene is stunning. When I watched it the second time around last Saturday I was blown away. Jensen makes this scene what it is, because it is such an absolute mirror of Dean’s scene with Cas and the differences to Jensen’s acting choices are paramount to the emotional significance of either. (oh Misha was extremely paramount to the declaration of love, don’t get me wrong, but here we have Jensen pivotally impactful, since he’s in both)

And through this mirroring we have two major threads of this narrative on display and effectively highlighted and tied up: the familial vs the romantic.

Because this is a story about love and... love.

The thing that I’ve been turning over in my head a lot is the codependency aspect here. I’ve had issues with it. Could it only be broken by Dean’s death?

And no, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here at all.

This moment is absolutely about the codependency breaking. In part. But it’s also about Dean going out bittersweetly, suddenly, without any glory or blaze, and it’s a very human, very real, very grounding moment to me for his arc: he didn’t expect it to be today, but it is.

*i’m seriously cry*

And Sam’s grief is so raw. I wish Sam had gotten to break away on his own. I’ll always wish that for him. That he could’ve seen his worth as a leader and leaned on that and on his love for Eileen, but Sam’s arc was always, always dependent on Dean’s progression, and this is what Dean’s arc needed in his final moment: clarity, honesty, trust, faith, letting go. A voicing of the fear, of the past, of what got them here, of the dependency - it was always you... and me - and both of them choosing, in the moment, to recognise the finality of it.

The entire show has revolved around these two men’s absolute inability to let go of each other and the stupidity and recklessness this inability has resulted in. Choice after choice serving to bring about the near apocalypses they’ve kept finding themselves in.

And reflecting itself in that has been the dependency Dean has felt for Cas’ presence, his annoyance and worry and fear whenever Cas has disappeared, how Dean’s progression has stopped in its tracks whenever Cas has been removed from the narrative.

So for this scene of the familial love allowing a letting go of that dependency to reflect itself once more so beautifully in how the romantic love allowed for a letting go of that dependency is kind of. I don’t even know. Everything glitters?

Dean finding peace ultimately has everything to do with having met, known and fallen in love with and having been loved by this angel of his.

But is that canon?

I mean, it’s subtextual canon, which is good enough for me, because it was all I ever expected and it’s such a blatant statement through the couples in love losing each other leading into Dean and Cas losing each other that there’s just no doubt in my mind how we’re meant to be understanding what these two men mean to each other, and from that draw the conclusions of what it is that’s influencing Dean’s moment of integration.

Does Dean’s death make a statement that happiness and love can only be found in death?

No. It really does not. Because that’s not what the narrative message is. Because Sam finds love and happiness by living his life. And I sincerely disagree with Sam being depicted as being depressed his whole life (the way Dean was with Lisa) because he lost his brother. Sure, there could’ve been pictures of all the found family when Sam is on his death bed, but he’s also thinking about the brother he lost and that’s simply a visual establishing of this fact. Could there have been more? Sure! But that doesn’t mean that all Sam cares about was Dean for all his life, living it in grief and loss.

Sam loves his son, helps his son, laughs with his son, is a good father figure to his son, and this thread is pulled on throughout the episode: the good father figure thread.

Dean’s goodbye to Sam isn’t just a brother saying goodbye to a brother.

It’s a father bidding farewell to his child. It’s a father gently relieved to not have to watch his son die. To get to go first. And yes, sure, that’s sad, but it’s also very human and real and says so much about their relationship.

Dabb era has hit the father/parental thread so hard that the Good Father thread running through this episode makes perfect sense to me.

Dean goes to Heaven not to find Cas, not expecting Cas to be there, but finding Cas there all the same (reward for letting go and having faith that if he’s meant to, and why wouldn’t he be, then he’ll see Cas again *headcanon*), and more than that, learning that Cas has made Heaven what it is now, moved Heaven away from trapping souls in endless memory loops (which was benevolent enough, but completely missed the point of what it means to be human) and that now there’s discovery and exploration and more life to be lived, because Heaven is overflowing with free will, with choice, with all the possibility for longevity and happiness.

The eternity that Dean deserves.

Created for him by Cas.

Cas ensuring Dean’s death is not an ending, but a beginning. That it’s not a prison for Dean’s mind, but instead a homecoming, filled with the prospect of reconnecting with all the people Dean has ever cared about, ever loved.

I mean, the fact that Cas’ prevailing faith in Jack has enabled all this is like strobe lights for the fucking brain.

And the irony is that while I focused entirely on how Cas needed to be grounded and choose to live a human life on Earth, the narrative had other plans (okay yeah the writers) and instead brought Dean to Heaven, and immortality.

It takes away the final obstacles for giving these two a happily ever after.

It also reflects itself in how Mary, in Heaven, is “complete”. She’s with John. She’s at peace. She’s happy. And who have always been fairly strongly tied (through mixtapes and whatnot) to Mary and John Winchester? Yeah.

Also, Cas the angel will never age and will never die, and him with human Dean, watching Dean grow old and die only to go visit Dean in his little Heaven always made me depressed. Human!Cas took care of that, but left the Heaven conundrum wide open. And now it’s just gloriously fixed.

And, speaking of, Cas got to FIX HEAVEN. And he’s fixing it together with his son. All of that faith, all of that struggle, completely rewarded. And Cas building that Heaven in wait for Dean to arrive, because if Dean hadn’t died in that barn (take me back to the night we met...) Dean would’ve died at some point, and Cas can wait, he just wants to make sure there’s happiness waiting for Dean when he arrives. I’m sorry but OMFG. I’m just so happy for our Castiel!!

Could Dean not know happiness on Earth?

I think he was on his way. I think there would always be that pain and that fear, but he was ready to accept that and make the most of it and live his life. Only... his heart is missing, because his heart went away, and perhaps there’s this chance that he’ll find it again, because he always has before, but he doesn’t know, and he doesn't expect it, and that’s okay, he can wait, and then he’s brought to Heaven, and there it is, and he smiles that smile and Heaven is basically complete apart for one final piece.

Because of course Dean would wait for Sam.

Now. I realise this is my reading of this narrative. No one needs to accept it as the begin all, end all reading. I’m only hoping that it will offer a counterweight to the absolute and utter negativity being bandied around as the only true begin all, end all, because I do not see it or believe that it’s all there is to this finale.

There’s beauty here. And discounting it, at least the possibility of it, even if it’s not exactly what I’ve laid out in this reply, because of frustration of not getting textual Destiel is not doing anyone any good. We got subtextual Destiel, we got subtextual bisexual Dean, and it’s confirmed. To my mind, it’s confirmed.

That’s everything I ever dared expect. And that expectation came solely from how clear the subtext has always been, how invested the writers have seemed in it, and the actors too.

And Cas is canonically queer.

Which is fucking amazing and truly enormous and I’ll talk very gently about why I don’t feel his death was a case of BYG in a separate post, but Cas is alive in the narrative as it’s been presented to us, and he’s in love with Dean and they get to be together in the Heaven Dean deserves, remodelled for Dean by Cas. If that’s not the beginning of a happily ever after, then I don’t know what is!

Thanks for asking, love. I’ve been meaning to write all this down and have spent the afternoon doing so. It’s quite cathartic!

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mtraki · 4 years ago

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Brain chemistry is messing with me... got me in the bad feels looking at dark roads... So let’s try and drag ourselves out of it through hyperfixation! It’s time to rant about Agent 47′s brain chemistry-- specifically all the serums and antidotes that artificially change it! (It’s a rant... I won’t take up space on your dashboard scroll if you don’t want to see it, but if you do, please check out under the cut. Spoilers for the comics and Hitman Season 2-3 are unmarked...)

The focus of the rant is thus: “Exactly what did Ether’s antidote do?” ‘That’s easy, MT,’ I hear you tell me, ‘It brought back 47′s memories that were wiped by Ort-Meyer before he escaped the lab.’ Forgive me, strawman Reader, (but as always, thank you for your faithful engagement) but I don’t think it’s that simple... Maybe because I overthink things, or maybe because the details aren’t adding up... Let’s discuss. In the cutscene in HITMAN 2 (Hitman Season 2) ‘Long Shot’, Olivia and Lucas provide a syringe from Ether Biotech Corporation. According to their information, Ort-Meyer’s estate and his research were granted to the corporation (through Providence) after his passing. The syringe is supposed to be an antidote to what Ort-Meyer used to wipe 47′s memory. Using the syringe, 47 is able to remember Janus, the first Constant of Providence, so they can go get his info on the Partners... and kill him. ‘Yes, MT,’ you say, ‘so it’s easy. The answer is right there.’ Well, please bear with me... In the next cutscene ‘Gifts and Curses’, our leading ladies Diana and Olivia are doing the real work (tracking Janus’s coffin) while our lads are being moody. Lucas asks 47 if he’s all right and 47 says, “It comes back in flashes. Fear. Anger. But like it happened to someone else.” Later, in ‘Precautions’, Lucas and Diana talk about how Lucas has feelings about the things he’s done, and 47 does not-- a parallel is drawn between these feelings and “having a conscience”. In ‘The Ark Society’ mission, on the Isle of Sgàil, as you’re marching Arthur Edwards, the Constant you are abducting, to the harbor, he’ll fish around for information by giving some of his own. For the purposes of my rant, there is an exchange I want to focus on: Edwards: “...Your murdered him [Janus] to get to me.” 47: “Not just that. He had it coming.” Edwards: “Interesting. It was my impression that you were cured of such... sentiment. The ‘good doctor’ built his serum specifically to target the seats of your emotions. Has Miss Burnwood’s sense of justice rubbed off on you, I wonder?” This is where I feel the need to stop and point out that there are TWO DIFFERENT SERUMS at play here, that were forced on 47 at TWO DIFFERENT TIMES in his forgotten past. This is shown in the comic series. SERUM #1) This serum was given in 1989, after 47 and 6 failed to take over the Institute. 47 sacrificed himself so 6 could escape (though he was presumed dead) and instead of being killed like he expected, due to pressure from Janus (who spoke as Constant for the Partners of Providence) Ort-Meyer instead used a serum to stifle his and the remaining clones’ emotions. This one was an injection to the neck (like the antidote). Here are his exact words: “I gave you something most people lack: a true purpose. And you cast it aside. For some misguided dream of freedom. Why?” “It’s that storm inside you. All those feelings I fought so hard to lock away. Raging, driving you. So now I must wipe them out entirely. A small chemical insult designed to target the amygdala, the hypothalamus, the cingulate gyrus. The seats of emotion. I’ve just sawed the legs off them. Do you understand, 47?” “Your memories remain intact. But now they’re a series of events with no significance.” The effects of this serum were devastating. With the singular exception of 47, every other clone more or less lost the will to live. They died of starvation, dehydration, infected bed sores... losing any and all motivation for anything. Meanwhile, 47 became an apex predator of murder, stating that the opportunity to complete the assassinations handed down by Providence through Ort-Meyer were the reason he went through each day. He had a hand in the deaths of a good number of clones, either via poisoning or smothering. SERUM #2) This serum was given in 1998 (that’s nine years after the first one) after Providence demands Ort-Meyer give them 47 as the only success of his very expensive perceived failure. Ort-Meyer gives this serum, without the permission of Providence, very specifically so that 47 will not remember him to assassinate him. This serum is given orally, and through a hose and pump apparatus. Here are his exact words: “I only need one more day, and a moment alone.” (This is included strictly to point out that 47 must have escaped that exact same day) “I raised you as my own. Taught you everything you needed to thrive in this fallen world. And now I have to take it all away. You would come after me. It’s the only way I can be free from having to watch over my shoulder for the rest of my life. It feels like drowning at first. Don’t struggle. I’m going to make you perfect. Now you have all the potential in the world.” 47 wakes up later to the voice of Ort-Meyer over the intercom. He implicitly trusts the voice, as he knows nothing else. He knows about the existence of nothing outside of the room and the voice. He starts making associations as he goes on, and points out that he understands how some things work (”The mechanics of breathing, the science that makes remotely operated restraints possible.”) and the justifications behind their existence (”Somewhere deep down, I even understand the need for them.”). As he makes his escape, he observes that their is familiarity in the sensations of killing. Out in the world, he continues killing on his own for about a year, claiming that his work is his only indulgence and that he doesn’t need things, friends, or stories. He does also claim to have a few stray memories that haunt him-- elicit emotional responses in him (which we also see in Absolution with the whole “doctors” flashbacks). Edwards should not know about the mind-wiping, and his dialogue does not betray that he does. Lucas apparently knows about both, but I’m going to attribute this to “Lucas became personally invested in learning what happened to 47 specifically after learning he was alive and working for ICA, so put the pieces together once he stole the data from Providence” because he wasn’t around for either serum. Meanwhile, Edwards doesn’t have many reasons to worry about 47 until he starts trying to use his past as a lure for Diana. Because his angle is to eventually reveal that it was 47 (AND 6... they were on the job together, per the comics) who killed her parents, and the fact that that juicy reveal would hurt that much more if he could reveal it as something 47 knowingly hid from her... I don’t think he’d go out of his way to discredit Janus’s reporting on the situation that only the first serum was given, and something else happened that allowed 47 to escape into the wild. Janus is apparently Edwards’s beloved mentor, after all. ‘MT,’ I hear you say, ‘You’re rambling. What’s the point here?’ The point is that 47, a man who does not mince words, makes the observation, when asked, that he remembers fear and anger. These are the things that stand out to him in his memories. The emotions. This is in violation of the first serum’s properties as well as the second. Now, why is this happening? Perhaps the first serum has an effective lifespan, and perhaps it’s wearing off. Perhaps 47′s human (arguably superhuman, per some sources) brain is adapting to make necessary associations despite the “chemical insult”. Or... was this antidote supposed to also be an antidote for the first serum? It is noteworthy that 47 starts behaving in ways that suggest more emotionally-driven motivations after the antidote is given-- at least it seems that way to me. This seems especially the case at the very end of HITMAN 3 (Season 3), ‘Untouchable’, when 47 is confronted with his guilt, with his feelings about what he perceives Diana’s thoughts and feelings to be, and with his choice in the end concerning Edwards in the final confrontation. No matter what he chooses, he owns his choice and all the baggage and consequences that come with it. At the very end, in the cutscene 'New Deal', he tells Diana that he isn’t ‘Agent 47′ anymore. That he chooses this path because he can. Perhaps I’m very much misunderstanding the themes, here, but 47 not remembering his past never struck me as something that held him back from choosing something else. It has always been his inability to connect with others in any way outside of infiltrating their spaces and killing them... with very, very few exceptions... that has kept him from choosing a path outside of murder-for-hire (perfectly executed, of course ;) ) So I’m left at the end with the conclusion that 47 is now able to operate as his own conscience because he now has a... mostly usable independent sense of morality-- which requires a certain level of empathy. So... again: what’s the deal with the antidote? Is it two-in-one? This would be fine, (Okay, not really, I would then have to rant about how this only makes sense as a convenient plot device because for which person BESIDES Agent 47 would such an antidote be useful unless they also work with the first serum... and oh boy IMPLICATIONS... I know we keep crashing their stock but can we crash their production too?) except the antidote is only referenced as working to return 47′s memory... and his ‘warmer’ dialogues through the end of 2 and into 3 with his allies is simply treated as matter of course-- nobody points it out. I don’t know if this is a problem with my perspective, the writing, or what... But it seems like Lucas knows and doesn’t know about both serums at the same time (he comments specifically about 47 remembering things... but not him behaving more emotionally engaged)... Or like the games smooshed both serums together while the comics had them separate. This isn’t like the whole “we don’t talk about Absolution though we do wink and nod that it mostly happened in canon” thing. The comics were written as a companion for the HITMAN: World of Assassination trilogy! I know how I’m treating it for 'Monstrous’ (because if I don’t, I’ll go crazy and rage-quit the fic) but it still bothers me... Anybody got any ideas? Nuggets of lore I missed? Am I the only one stressing out about this??

#my mic #agent 47 #hitman #lucas grey #world of assassination #MT is ranting #I know I overthink #13th #April #2021 #April 13th 2021

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jimlingss · 4 years ago

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Sugar and Coffee [22.5]

Back to Chapter 22

Words: 2729 || The Ultimate Mini-Chapter of the series

“You’re working in a grocery store now?” Taehyung asks with raised brows, surprise taking hold. He never imagined his friend being a produce boy, yet it seems fitting somehow. “Isn’t working in the bakery section more suitable?” Jimin shrugs. “I didn’t get to pick, but the job is pretty relaxed, so I’m not that worried. My manager is really nice and I’ll probably quit when I find a real position after graduating.” “Nice, dude.” They fist pump. “Now you can buy me my deli meats all the time.” “You’ll have to reimburse me, Tae.” The boy with his full cheeks has his eyes crinkled. The two boys have known each other since their elementary days — where Taehyung kept stealing Jimin’s books and pencils until one day the timid latter had enough and tackled the former on the playground. They stuck together after that, finding that their personalities balanced. It would only be later until they met Yoongi in math class, Hoseok in Jimin’s extracurricular, and Jungkook during an outside volunteering event in High School. It was how the four of them came to be, how they naturally formed a friendship over the course of time and still remain close after so many years. So Taehyung has no hesitation when his phone starts blowing up with notifications and immediately verbalizes his woes— “Oh shit.” “What?” Jimin abandons the game he’s playing. He’s never been good at them like the rest were. “Yuna found me on instagram,” Taehyung grimaces. “She just added me and liked all my pics since three years ago.” Jimin bursts out laughing much to his best friend’s dismay. “She’s the girl Y/N and Jungkook was showing around, right?” “Yeah, that sixteen year old.” The shorter man’s brows furrow. “Isn’t she eighteen?” “Same thing.” Taehyung sighs despite the fact that he’s only twenty himself and Jimin muses that he often acts twelve. But he doesn’t utter his thoughts and Taehyung tosses his device onto the couch. “She kind of scares me.” “Why?” Jimin gives a toothy grin. “She’s tiny.” “Haven’t you heard what Yoongi said? The shorter ones are always the ones closer to hell.” It’s a fair point. “The smallest peppers are always the spiciest, am I right?” “Fuck off, it’s about girth not length.” He ignores how Taehyung’s brows wiggle. “Didn’t she ask you out before she left?” “Yep.” “What did you even do? She wasn’t like that to me or Hoseok.” “Exactly. I have no clue.” Taehyung would make a joke about he’s just naturally irresistible but this is no time to joke around. Yuna is undeniably intimidating and a serious threat to his existence. “I heard from Y/N that she’s thinking of coming here, so thank god we’re all graduating in a few months.” “Yeah, well you might need another semester with the grades you have.” “Bro.” Taehyung sits up straight. “You want to fight?” He shrugs. “I’m just saying you can’t get away with a thirty percent in nutrition.” “Fuck. Don’t remind me. I need to catch up on my readings.” “Same here.” Yet no one moves. They don’t even flinch. The two should crack open their textbooks and start reading — but Taehyung’s arm only stretches to grab a controller and join the game Jimin’s in. The night continues on as the two relish in their youth and ability to be irresponsible without repercussions. Or at least too many repercussions.

The air of the small coffee shop is tense. It is as if the four walls are closing in, but still, she’s glad that it’s a public setting. She can’t bear if it was just her and him. At least in public, there are voices to fill in the background silence and the threat of public embarrassment keeps her from crying, from having an outburst. It’s difficult to face someone she used to care so much about. To this day, she still doesn’t know what she felt can be called love. But the fact that she has to contemplate it, she’s inclined to think that it’s not. But that doesn’t mean their short and sweet relationship was any less meaningful. He was her best friend for so long after all. Aeri swallows hard, sipping her drink. She tries not to get the paper cup to shake so much in her clammy hands and ends up putting it back on the table when she realizes she can’t taste it well. After another beat, she lifts her eyes to look at his and realizes that he’s been staring at her. Aeri breaks the silence. “Why’d you call me here, Hoseok?” “I thought it would be nice to talk.” “About what?” “Us.” Closure. He came here for closure, but she’s not sure what kind of closure he wants or how he wants to shut this bittersweet chapter of their lives. “What about u-us?” She hates that her voice breaks, but oddly enough, it isn’t as painful as it was a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, she would’ve never been able to face him like this, wouldn’t be able to even look at him without crying. It seems like as time goes by, it becomes easier. “I’m sorry.” He says in a weakened tone that hurts her as well. “Don’t apologize, Hoseok.” “No, but I want to. I’ve been thinking about it a lot — and what we had….it was good.” “It was.” Aeri smiles. “Wasn’t it?” He nods, eased at her openness, that she’s not defensive or angry like he thought she would be. Like she has the right to be. “I don’t think I tried hard enough to make it work.” “I didn’t either, so don’t blame yourself alone,” Aeri says, a tiny smile tugs on her lips. She accepts his apology. “I had my part to play in it too.” “I didn’t want to hurt you.” “I didn’t either. But it’s okay, Hoseok. We just weren’t right for each other.” He nods. It goes silent. He musters a tender smile. “Truce?” “Truce.” The girl giggles when they shake hands across the small table. “You still owe me ten dollars when I lent you gas money.” “Oh, you’re really going to bring that up now?” “Of course,” Aeri laughs. “Fair is fair.” It’s hard to be acquainted with someone who used to be so much closer. Someone who has so many memories — good ones and hurtful ones. And often times the end can never be the same as the beginning. For the rest of their lives, Aeri knows that she’ll always keep Hoseok at a distance, at an arm’s reach, for the sake of her own heart and self-preservation. But she considered herself one of the lucky ones — that they have a mutual understanding, that they can still see each other, and can still have some semblance of a platonic friendship. She’s lucky when she knows that the two of them will never revert to being complete strangers.

Min Yoongi is a man of many things. He is quiet, but deadly. He is grumpy and lethargic, but will go out of his way to make someone’s life miserable and has the biggest smile when he sees suffering. He had the most joy when Taehyung stubbed his toe against the doorframe, when Jimin was last place during Smash. Most of all, he’s an enigma. Lazy, yet the hardest working. Mean and snarky, yet always willing to lend an ear and shoulder. Indifferent and aloof, yet the one who never fails to react first in a crisis. But of all things...you never expected him to be clingy. “So this is what you do all day?” Yoongi gestures to the clutter on the kitchen counter, the wires and gum paste rolled out, styrofoam and toothpicks, small brushes and petal dust shades. “You practice making flowers and then go home to suck Jungkook’s dick?” “Excuse me.” You scoff. “I practice making cakes too.” “You’re fun.” “If you don’t like it, then leave me alone,” you mutter out of the corner of your mouth, concentrating back on the rose you’re working on. “Why are you hanging out with me anyway?” “Because it’s you or Taehyung right now and I’d rather spend time with you than Taehyung.” “What’s wrong with Taehyung?” “He’s Taehyung.” A light scoff falls out of your mouth. You know the motherfucker has a soft spot for him, but he can say whatever he wants. He’ll deny it even if you confronted him. “Want to make flowers?” you offer. “Nope.” Min Yoongi would rather fiddle with kitchen materials and spin around on the stool than brush up on sugar flowers, piping flowers or fondant flowers. But you don’t have the time or energy to argue. You do, however, show off once you’re finished. “What do you think?” He hums as he looks at your finished product. “Not half bad, I guess. I’ve seen worse.” It’s not the greatest compliment in the world but you’ll take it especially since it’s coming from him. You’ve noticed in the time you’ve known Yoongi that he has a difficult time praising others. He always tries to work around it, skirting through the subject, never verbalizing his feelings despite being such a straightforward person. It never fails to be entertaining to watch. You grin. “If my relationship with Jungkook ever goes to shit, we’d still be friends, wouldn’t we, Yoongi?” “Sure,” he mumbles while resting his elbow on the counter, cheek in his palm lazily. “But your relationship with Kook won’t ever go to shit. Kid’s too whipped for you.” Your smile only widens. “He is, isn’t he?” “You are too,” he says when you attempt to exclude yourself. “It’s gross to watch, but whatever.” “You need someone in your life too, Min. Maybe you’d be less bitter all the time.” It’s not that he’s bitter, but you like to tease that he is since you know it grinds his gears. “I have a cousin of a cousin who’s around our age. Want to meet her?” His expression wrinkles like he just bit into a lemon. Yoongi sits upright. “First of all, fuck you. I’m not bitter — I’m just me, bitch. Secondly, I don’t want to meet anyone, much less your cousin. And last of all, you’re becoming worse than Taehyung.” “Maybe this is an invitation for you to leave then.” You grin cheekily at Yoongi and it doesn’t amuse him. It’s unfortunate he doesn’t have a soft spot for you like Jungkook does. “And don’t call me a bitch. Only Jungkook’s allowed to do that in bed.” “I didn’t need to know that.” Yoongi’s face crumples more and he waves at you. “Just stop talking and continue what you’re doing.” Min Yoongi is an enigma and someone you relate to the most. Often times you feel him on a spiritual level. And in spite of what he might think internally, he’s a great friend. He’s logical, reasonable, the clarity that the whole group usually needs before they think doing dumb shit, like jumping off the roof of the dining center into a pile of snow beneath, is a good idea. He’s hilarious in a sarcastic, snarky way and cares the most when no one’s looking. He reminds you of an older brother who will always watch your back — and he makes you glad that both you and Jungkook have him in your life.

Jungkook had a dream. It was odd — only because it felt so real and how it still sticks into his mind hours later. Usually dreams fade away like memories of childhoods where he can’t distinguish people, actions, his own thoughts but generally what had occurred and the feeling he had obtained. But Jungkook remembers this dream well. It was a dream where he wobbled to the kitchen in this small house with wooden floorboards and hideous wallpaper, his home, and found you by the window above the sink. Only, you were old with gray hair and wrinkles around your face, an apron tied around your body that was shorter and more sluggish. And his own hands were wrinkled like crumpled paper, round glasses perched on his nose, his movements slowed down as he staggered. You had turned around and complained about the damn neighbour kids ruining your garden with their littering and he had to calm you down for fear of you getting a heart attack. It was so entirely mundane, and he had never been more confused when he awoke. “Jungkook!” His mother shouts over the phone. “Are you still here?” Her voice sounds farther away. “Honey, the phone’s broken again! I can’t hear him!” The boy snaps back to attention. “No, I’m here! Mom? Hello?” But neither of his parents hear him. Instead, there’s rustling and the sound of his father’s voice. “Give me that. Hello?” “Hello?” Jungkook sighs. “Hello?! Goddammit, I just fixed this old thing yesterday!” “No, I’m right here!” He has to strain his voice, shouting loud enough that could warrant complaints from the people next door. “I can hear you!” “Honey, is that you?” His mom calls out again and there’s more rustling. “Where’s the speakerphone? Oh, here. Hello?” For the tenth time, Jungkook exclaims— “Hello!” “Finally. I thought the phone was broken again.” Both his parents start discussing the phone issues and Jungkook nurses his headache before the conversation gets back on track again. “Have you been eating well?” “I’ve been fine, mom.” “Good! Your grandma’s visiting and she’s been so worried about you. It’s not good to do all that exercise and not eat well! You’ll burn all your fat and just be skin and bones!” There’s the sound of his grandma’s voice at the back that he can’t distinguish well enough to make out what she’s saying. “Anyhow, your aunt and uncle send their regards. We’ll be visiting their home this time for the Holiday season come December. Also Lia and Eunbi wanted to ask if Y/N will be coming home with you.” “Uh.” Jungkook scratches the back of his neck. “I’m not sure yet.” “Oh, well, do bring her, dear.” His dad suddenly says, “Heaven knows, your mom and grandma can’t stop talking about how great she is. If she comes by, I’ll fire up the grill and we can have a barbecue too!” “Yeah, we’ll see,” he exhales sharply. Jungkook still hasn’t announced to his family that he’s dating you yet. If you agree to come back with him for Christmas, he’ll probably make it known to them but he can’t even fathom the many more times they’ll call if they knew. God, they would probably call you directly and he would rather spare you from their smothering love. Suddenly a thought creeps into Jungkook’s mind. “Hey, mom. Can I talk to grandma for a second?” “Sure! Mom! He’s here.” He can hear the phone getting passed, more buttons accidentally being pressed, and his grandma’s voice sounds closer as if she accidentally turned off the speakerphone. “Hello? Kookie, is that you?” They exchange the usual back and forth, asking about each other’s well-being and wishing one another good health. His grandma also tells him to bring you around some time when he comes home and how lovely you are — but he doesn’t need to hear it. Jungkook’s already long learnt that. “Hey, grandma.” He finally approaches the question he’s been meaning to ask. Slow and hesitant, but he manages. “What was it like to grow old with grandpa?” He can practically hear the soft smile on her face. “Oh, it was wonderful.” There’s a pause as if the aged woman is looking for a word to exactly describe her experience. Though she finally seems to be able to find it. “It was a privilege.” A privilege. That’s the perfect word. It encapsulates his dream entirely. It was sad to be aged, to see you tired, to feel weighed down himself and slower than what he’s used to. But when he looked at you, he didn’t just see an old woman — he saw the snarky girl he knew of in high school, the attractive girl he daydreamed about for so long, the one he’s with now. And the one who will join him for so many more memories. Even if it was just a dream, Jungkook’s excited to make it a reality.

#bts fanfic #bts scenario

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enthusiasticsobrietyabuse · 3 years ago

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Re-post from r/MeehanSurvivors Reddit Community. An Enthusiastic Sobriety Counselor Survivor Story.

TW: References to child pornography, conversion therapy, homophobia, masturbation, and sex.

I would love nothing more than to preserve my admiration for the program, if only for the reason that it would be easier to do so, but after years of being deceived, I find it utterly absurd to disregard any contempt on the basis of the misplaced gratitude that it saved my life. While the program undoubtedly contributed to my success in a number of ways, it has nevertheless become clear that I’ve walked away with trauma that, even after all of this time, I fail to wholly understand. What I do know, however, is that my disillusionment with enthusiastic sobriety is heavily rooted in how I was treated, as the people who claimed to love me evidently made it their mission to eradicate who I was and, likewise, transform me into a duller, lesser version of themselves. I will never know who I could’ve been had they honored the parts of myself that needed nurturing, only who I am today and the damage I’ve since been left with.

From the moment I joined the program, I knew exactly what its expectations were. It was made abundantly clear throughout the treatment process, where I was bombarded with endless conversations about what it meant to be a winner - a concept given context far beyond a sober individual working the twelve steps. I was not only told how to behave, but what to believe about every area of my life. It did not matter if those areas were deeply personal, as evidenced by the countless discussions related to sex; in fact, I would not only learn who we could and could not fantasize about while masturbating, but what we could and could not do sexually - as if we could not be trusted to determine for ourselves the actions we take in our own bedrooms. I also found myself on the receiving end of many conversations revolving around whether or not it was acceptable to shave one’s own pubic region, as was a commonly held belief that a shaved pubic region was not only unnecessary, but a product of one’s own vanity that, incidentally, mimics child pornography. Perhaps more disturbing, however, was the ideology surrounding pornography, in general, that we were ordinarily subjected to. We were first told that no self-respecting woman would want to be with a man who’s actively watching porn; then, we were told that it alters a man’s behavior so much that women will be able to recognize whether or not they watch it. The possibility of romance was used as a weapon against us by the counselors, as well as group members, to conform to their principles, rather than allowing us to establish our own and when that didn’t work, personal attacks were their next best option. I remember being asked if I really wanted to be the guy who’s strung out on porn the rest of his life, as if it was some kind of crippling addiction that would keep me from getting anything I ever wanted out of life. Even more importantly, however, it was through these frequent exchanges that I became familiarized with “Pavlov’s Dog Theory,” a scientific study so bastardized by the counselors that it existed solely to explain away the possibility of any non-heterosexual orientation. Being insecure with my own sexuality, it was of course music to my ears to discover that my attraction to the same sex, a perversion as I then recognized it, was the result of watching too much porn and could be easily resolved by the work outlined by the program. For the next few years, I would work endlessly to alter my sexual orientation back to “normal” and apparently did so well enough that I was eventually asked to attend the Meehan Institute of Counselor Training.

When I was in counselor training, most of what we discussed had very little to do with counseling; in fact, the information required to pass the state-mandated test was tossed aside in exchange for the radically inappropriate teachings that came directly from the program itself. Examples of this, of course, include the explanation that non-heterosexual orientations were not only “unnatural” but an expression of one’s perverse desire for instant gratification, usually resulting from either their addiction to porn, as I had already learned in outpatient, or their unresolved childhood trauma. It was also reasoned that an attraction to the same sex was often a natural consequence of being in an abusive relationship with a member of the opposite sex, a belief supported only by the theory that the person, in question, had unlikely resolved their own fear of getting hurt again. Some people were just “pussies” that had decided to seek the “easier, softer way,” an almost comical assumption given that there is nothing “easier” or “softer” about being queer. I would actually be referred to as a “pussy” while sharing to one of the program's many directors that I had sexual thoughts about other men. His solution for me was that since “there is nothing romantic about two men butt fucking each other,” I should spend the time wasted fantasizing about that on where I would like to take a girl on a date. It’s these ways of thinking that we, who’s families spend $5,600 to send us to counselor training, learn for the three months that we’re there. It’s these three months, where we are taught that absurdity is a natural substitute for science, that earn us the right to then counsel others, many of whom are children. I never could've imagined the abuse that would follow, despite the seeds that had been sown throughout the better part of my recovery.

A few weeks after I graduated from counselor training, when I was working the Step One shift, a couple of the program's directors took me away from it to smoke cigars with them. It was there that they talked to me about how I needed to work on developing more masculine qualities, perhaps by engaging in a hobby that was, according to them, “outside of my comfort zone.” Later on, one of my coworkers would lecture me for the way I had reached out to a girl in the group, explaining that she, along with others, might think that I’m gay for agreeing to watch a “chick flick” with her. Another coworker would make fun of me for crying to a song that reminded me of my dead parent, for the reason that it was, according to her, a “gay” thing to do. In one of the monthly purpose meetings, the director made jokes about me being “inside” of another male counselor - something that was received only with laughter. Bob Meehan himself would even tell the training class following my own that while I deserved the upmost respect for taking everyone’s shit, I was probably gay. When I would share how I felt, in reference to these incidents, I was told that my options were either to “change it” or to “own it.” I began to internalize all of this and, due to my own desire to be accepted, I began working even harder to change these qualities that had been deemed unacceptable by those around me. I would later be celebrated in a purpose for denouncing a dramatic television show for the reason that when I watched it, it made me feel like a “faggot;” however, even that wouldn’t satisfy those around me, as my sponsor, who was also my coworker, would suggest that I stop watching Friends, as well, due to the fact that it was the kind of show his wife watched. I would experience similar criticism from yet another coworker who suggested that I only liked “girly shit” for “shock value” and that it was nothing more than my ego attempting to differentiate myself from everyone else. If by now you’re wondering why I even participated in these conversations, all I can say is that it was always in pursuit of becoming a better man and I trusted that the staff had those answers. I couldn't have been more wrong, as I can't help but notice today that what I was subjected to is in direct opposition of the very laws that protect employees from this kind of treatment by their employers; however, in the program, what’s illegal is classified as “spiritual.”

For years, I felt relegated to a subclass of human existence and for what reason? I spent years working on the things that made my life unmanageable primarily because the people around me decided that it was. Furthermore, I was promised that if I stopped watching porn, which I did for years, my brain would rewire itself and I would no longer be attracted to men. As stupid as that sounds now, why wouldn’t I, as an 18 year old, believe what I was hearing from who I only presumed to be trained professionals? I trusted them and really worked hard to take their every suggestion, going as far as becoming a member of Sexaholics Anonymous, despite the fact that I had never even had sex at that point. It was nothing if not incredibly painful to do the same thing over and over again, only to be told to get up and try again by the very people who would describe that as insanity in any other case. I was never once told that what I was doing wasn’t working for me; instead, I was told to try harder. In all of the time I spent in the program, I was never even given the option to try something different until after quitting, when someone told me that my sexual orientation, whatever it may be, was perfectly acceptable and far from a determining factor in my ability to effectively work a program. It took years to hear that, the majority of which were spent somewhere that I definitely should have. That is not only unacceptable but they should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

Alas, the problem I have with the program is not necessarily that they’ll never apologize to me, but that they lack the self-awareness to even consider it. When I shared my concerns about the program with one of their counselors, he dismissed them with the statement that it’s a perfect program ran by imperfect people and that I should judge them not by their actions, but by their intentions, which coincidentally, contradicts the program’s reliance on a quote from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that states exactly the opposite. He also told me that I was angry and resentful, despite the fact that I was neither. When I shared my concerns with another counselor, he dismissed them with the suggestion that perhaps the counseling I received, in regards to my sexual orientation, resulted from how I presented it to the staff. His feedback was not only highly insulting, but a complete bastardization of the facts. Not only was I brutally honest about that area of my life, so much that it's all I spoke of, but I was the client and it was far from my role to ensure that the counselors did their job. I was little more than a child at the time; nevertheless, the implication that my negative experiences were all my fault only served as evidence that any attempt to cooperate with the program, and convince them of the ways in which I was harmed, is futile. Why would I want to, anyway, after years of watching any criticism of the program be rationalized as the delusions of “bailed kids” or “disgruntled ex-staff?” The only answer would be to prevent it from happening again, although to think that outcome is even a possibility appears naïve at best. They’ve made it abundantly clear where they stand, that they’re right, everyone else is wrong, and there’s no reason for them to change anything - lest of course it threatens their credibility, which in that case they only become more insidious in their transgressions.

TLDR: The program not only intrusively dictates the sex lives of their clients, but has proven itself to be particularly unloving toward those who are LGBTQIA+. It is a cultural issue that can not be reduced to a few examples of bad counseling. It is clear that they see no reason whatsoever to change this.

#the insight program #the cornerstone program #the pathway program #the crossroads program #the full circle program #believe survivors #breakingcodesilence #troubled teen industry #clint stonebraker

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lisinfleur · 4 years ago

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Midwife?

The request:

Author’s Notes | I don’t really believe Ivar would know what to do, but I think it’s funny to have a man of that times narrating such an unknown moment for them!

Universe | Vikings

Pairing | Ivar x Reader

Info | Viking Age AU, requested by @sallydelys for 5CW7

Words | 1992

⁑ Warnings: Mentions of blood, graphic description of labor and childbirth. Keep in mind that this document may contain clinical/medical mistakes.

Middle Winter.

How the hell did I come up to get my wife heavily pregnant right in the middle of the Winter?

Y/N was swollen like a balloon, ready to pop. And I was nervous as fuck with the proximity of that event. Our firstborn child.

Something I never thought could be possible.

"Where is daddy?"

Shit.

I had called Floki through a slave that left what... three hours before the snow started falling outside again? I could bet Floki wouldn't come and I would have one less slave in my house cause that girl would end up frozen outside my house. Damn snow!

"He was supposed to be here already, love, but the snow started falling outside again. I think we may have to wait a little longer."

"I want my dad..." she cried.

Shit. Again.

Y/N was my everything. My queen, the love of my life, my first, my one, and only. But fuck... Since she got pregnant, she was completely changed, every day acting with a different mood... She was driving me crazy!

Mom told me it was the pregnancy, that I should be patient. But things sometimes would run out of my control and we would fight for hours! Just to end up with her tightly embraced on me, saying she could never live without me as much as I couldn't imagine my life without my Y/N.

Things didn't get better with the Winter arriving and her final months making her less able to move around. She wanted to walk, to go out, but the midwife told her to stay more inside the house since she started feeling dizzy once again. There was built the battlefield: she even tried to sneak out of my sight once! Imagine how good it was to have to bring my wife back home, crying because she wasn't able to reach the central square and almost fell in the middle of the way.

Since then, we thought it would be safer to be with her at Floki's cabin. Floki could help me to take a look at her, Helga could help me to keep her entertained. Their slaves could do everything for us and she would be safe when the time to give birth has come. Perfect!

If Bjorn didn't have decided to ask for a bunch of boats in the middle of the fucking Winter.

I would castrate my brother if I could! Why the fucking damn heck did Björn wanted to navigate the gods' damn sea in the middle of the freezing Winter? Couldn't he fucking wait my wife to give birth before taking Floki out of our cabin right in the day Helga said she finished my mother's dress and had to leave too?

Now we were completely alone and my little precious balloon was sadly mourning around because somehow, she wasn't feeling well and wanted her father exactly when he couldn't be there for her.

"Babe, you shouldn't be out of the bed," I complained, walking towards her when she sprouted at the living room's door, in her nightgown, walking slow like a little swollen duck.

My charming swollen duck I loved so badly.

"But Ivar... I'm not feeling well. I don't wanna stay in bed. The baby's feet are on my ribs and I can't breathe," she complained when I slowly started guiding her into our room once again.

"I know. So, we can walk a little through our room ok? Come," I insisted, ready to open the door when she held herself on the wall, pressing my shoulder with the other hand and moaning in a tone I didn't want to hear in a million years.

Her body bent forward and she let go of the wall to touch her belly.

She was in pain...

Her eyes, full of fear found mine, full of affliction.

And then, that happened.

A small moment of silence before a wet sound denounced the water flowing in the middle of her legs, making a poll around her feet.

"Ivar..." she mumbled.

"Fuck!" I answered.

Right before she bent once again, this time, growling in pain.

"Fuck!!" I cursed again, trying to guide her with me to the bed.

Cursing my legs for not being able to lift her into my arms.

Cursing the snow for not being able to go out for a midwife.

Cursing Floki for leaving with Helga.

My mom for ordering that stupid dress. Björn for wanting his stupid boats!

May Thor smite them down into the ocean!

"Ivar... It hurts! It hurts so bad!" she cried when we finally reached the bed to lay her down.

Fuck! I was the younger of my brothers! Ubbe had seen my mother giving birth to three after him! Hvitserk? Two. Even Sigurd would be able to do something if he wasn't so young when I was born! But what did I know about birth and labors?

Shit! I knew shit about it! I slid my hands through my hair looking at her. And Y/N noticed I was completely lost.

"You need... To boil water... And you need to bring the towels that are at my mother's locker. Be careful when you get the towels wet into the water. It will help me with the pain and... you with the... blood!" she growled the last word, bending forward again.

And I almost could see her big belly contracting.

Blood? Blood.

Blood... Yeah. I remember Ubbe saying my birth was full of that shit and that he was scared of seeing the maid coming in with towels and out with red clothes dip in our mother's blood.

I wasn't ready for that shit!

I wasn't raised for that shit!

Fuck Björn's boats! A thousand times!

I sat down, getting rid of my braces - dragging I would be quicker and it wasn't time to be prideful. I then went to the heart of fire, placing a big pan I found at the kitchen over the fire and bringing water into it until it was full.

I could hear Y/N grunting inside the room, trying to breathe. And I then looked outside, seeing the snow becoming higher.

"Damn... Damn! Why the fuck are you doing this to me?" I asked the gods, lowering my head for a moment. "Frigg... Mother... I beg you, guide my hands. And for the gods' sake, end this damn storm!"

The water took some time to get hot enough so I could bring a pot to the room with the towels, leaving the bigger pan with more water to boil at the fire.

When I came into the room, Y/N was sitting in the bed, her back supported by the pillows, her knees flexed as she was breathing quickly, short.

"What do I do now?" I asked, looking at her.

About to panic at the sight of the big poll of blood that had been formed in the middle of her legs and that I was able to see as soon as I got up to the bed.

"Calm down, Ivar," she grunted, looking at me. "I'll bleed. This... This is supposed to happen. Gimme a warm towel," she asked.

And I did what she said, seeing when she placed it over her belly.

"I want you to place another in the middle of my legs, over the bed, ignore the blood, Ivar... Just... Place it over it."

Again, I did what she said, confused.

"Ivar," she called, causing me to look at her. "I want you to stay where you are. And when our child comes... You'll hold it, did you hear me?"

H... Hold it?

"You mean..." I moved my hands, looking at her.

"Take off your... gloves!" Another word grunted and I saw her pushing as something started showing up in her entrance.

And for a moment I was totally taken by that vision at the same time magic and bizarre, intense and terrifying.

My child would be born... And I would be the first one to hold it into this world.

That mix of feelings took me as I was removing my gloves, washing my hands on the water to get them clean.

What I was doing was more than I ever thought I was able to do. But what she was doing there, facing all that pain to bring my dream into this world...

What were all the fights we had?

What was the anger we had against each other?

What was everything in the face of all that love?

I raised my face to look at her. My sweaty, tired, and panting wife, putting all her efforts on pushing our child out of her belly, into this world. Her whole strength, focused only on making my dream become reality.

If she was strong enough to face all that pain for me, then I could face my fears for her.

"It's coming!" she warned, and I approached as she started pushing one more time, allowing me to support our child's head, watching as its whole body slowly came out from her body entirely, finally permitting her to sigh in relief as a strange bag of blood and meat came out as well, connected to our child by the cord.

"Oh, gods..." she cursed, relaxing in bed. "What is it, Ivar? How is my child?" she questioned.

But I was too wondered, astonished, looking at the baby moving in my hands, bothered by the air, by the temperature, by the mere sound of my breath - all new things he wasn't prepared for yet.

"Ivar?" She called, worried.

The fear growing in her voice again just to die completey when her eyes found my image, hands bathed in her blood I was now completely able to ignore, holding our child over that wet and warm towel we placed under her legs.

"It's a boy," I muttered, teary.

And our voices seemed to bother him even more because my son's forehead frowned and his voice could be heard a quarter further away from that house in such a strong cry I could never describe with my own words.

It was alive, full of strength, experimenting life for the first time...

In my hands.

I giggled, completely taken by that experience as Y/N showed me how to cut the cord, clean our baby with the towel, gently packing him in a dry towel so she could bring him against her chest, offering him the breast he accepted in goodwill, hungrily suckling from her.

I watched that scene in awe.

It was Frigg herself, with Baldr in her arms. My own goddess with our child against her chest, the product of her womb, the fruit of our love.

"We've heard the cry of a... Oh, gods... It's here, Floki!" I've heard Helga's voice and I knew she arrived at the bedroom's door such as Floki also arrived, too late to help. Soon enough to see the same wonder I was watching now.

I felt his heavy hand landing on my shoulder, but I didn't want to take my eyes from my beautiful Y/N with our son in her arms, to look at his teary eyes.

"Welcome to the boat of the ones who have already seen the gods, son," he mumbled, giggling that characteristic way of his to laugh.

But I smiled bigger, looking at Y/N who smiled back at me.

She was sweaty, covered in blood, and tired. But I was sure I would never see a woman more beautiful in the whole Miðgarðr.

"No, my friend... I didn't see the gods. A goddess lays in my bed every night. And she produced life as a gift to me."

Floki giggled again. I was speaking of his daughter after all.

But at that moment, all I could think was that if being whole was the best thing in this world, it should feel exactly like the feeling I had in my chest by looking at Y/N.

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ultraintrovertedgryffindor · 4 years ago

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Best Friends - Julian Spitzer (Mrs. Fletcher)

So, I watched Mrs. Fletcher recently...and omg Julian is the absolute cutest soft boy ever. I lob him bery much.

~~~~~~~~~~

Julian and I met in high school. We were both somewhat of outcasts and had a lot of the same bullies, so we had a lot to bond over.

Besides sharing Brendon Fletcher as our main bully, we also got along really well and had even more things in common. Same interests in music and moral and such.

The first time we met was actually when he was getting pushed around by Brendon. I saw this and intervened. I wasn’t that picked on before that, but I pissed off Brendon and damaged his fragile male ego. So in turn, I got bullied a lot more.

Julian felt bad about it, so he tried to ignore me so that I wouldn’t get bullied by association. It just made me want to be his friend even more.

Over time, we kept each other’s backs every time we got harassed. Julian didn’t really have much of a choice to not be my friend at that point. But in the end, we bonded really well and he was glad he had someone to rely on.

Now that high school was over, it was a big stress reliever for both of us. We both decided to go to community college. Julian was very intelligent and I believed he could get into any Ivy League he wanted, but he was too scarred by high school to do so.

In my case however, I didn’t really have a great GPA due to some...depressive states during school. So, community college was really my only option, but I didn’t mind it all that much. At least I got to be with Julian.

Julian and I pretty much had all the same general education classes, which made us both happy. But we were able to choose an extra curricular course, that was the only class we differed from. He chose some writing class and I chose theatre.

I teased Julian that he could totally fit the role of theatre kid, but he wanted to write more. I just had to suck it up, we couldn’t be together 24/7...unfortunately.

Being so protective of each other, I kind of developed a major crush on him over the years. It was problematic at times. I made sure Julian stayed oblivious though, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

For some reason, Julian and I were at a party. An off to college type party. Surprisingly, Julian was the one who suggested it, to which I laughed until I realized he was serious.

I was absentmindedly circling the brim of my red solo cup filled with cheap, bitter beer. I wasn’t really a drinker, but I felt I had to be just a little bit buzzed to survive this party full of former jocks.

I didn’t really listen as Julian was keeping up a pleasant conversation with a couple people, feeling my apathy starting to act up.

I gasped when I felt the lukewarm beer splash in my face. I turned to see Brendon guffawing with his friends, finding it so hilarious that he kept throwing pieces of candy at me.

“What the fuck?” Julian shouted when he felt candy being thrown at him as well.

Brendon suddenly smiled wide. “Spitzer! Y/L/N!” He kept throwing candy at us. “That one was an accident, actually. Hold on.” He threw more.

“Oh, no. I’m being attacked by a cool guy with...candy.” Julian said, making you giggle the huff when you kept getting hit by the hardened sugar.

“Couldn’t you just bully us online? It’s like, what people do now.” Julian said.

Brendon smirked and walked up to us, throwing a wink my way. “Way more fun in person.”

I felt my blood boil just by looking at his face. “You’re gonna get to college and everybody’s gonna see exactly what you are, you know that right?” I spat, Julian looking at me proudly.

Brendon had a somewhat confused expression on his face, but chuckled. “That is some deep stuff, Y/N. Real deep.”

I rolled my eyes and turned to Julian. “Let’s just get out of here.” I said, taking his hand, but Brendon stopped us.

“Don’t, wait. Sorry, okay? Like...I feel like I was a dick to you, both of you. All though high school.” Brendon said.

I scoffed, remembering all the horrible shit he did to both of us. “Yeah?” Julian said.

“Uh, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry, okay?”

“Then why the hell were you even like that, huh?” I fussed at him.

Brendon avoided our eyes and looked down. “Ah, is that your phone?” He asked Julian.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Why don’t we end on a good note, take a picture.” Brendon forcefully grabbed Julian’s phone. “Let’s take a selfie, yeah?” He started to grab both of us, bringing us closer to his body.

Julian and I both struggled against the jock’s grip. I let out a frustrated huff when I felt Brendon’s hand grope my tit slightly. I knew it probably wasn’t an accident...asshole.

Brendon lifted up the phone and flipped the camera to selfie mode. “High school forever!” He said in a high pitched tone and snapped the picture, the product being blurry due to our struggle.

The douche finally let us both go. “Can I have my phone back now?” Julian asked annoyed.

“Yeah, of course.” Brendon said, dunking the phone into my red solo cup.

“Fucking asshole!” Julian yelled, immediately taking his now beer covered phone out of the cup. “Fuck.”

“You need some rice.” Brendon teased and walked away.

I huffed angrily, storming up to Brendon despite Julian’s protests. I tapped on his shoulder harshly and he turned around, wearing a smug smirk. “Eat shit, asshole.” I said, thrusting my cup up to his face.

Brendon’s face was drenched in beer, and my cup was now empty. He wiped the beer from his eyes and looked at me with a glare, raising his fist.

I closed my eyes, waiting for the painful impact, hearing the thud of colliding skin. But I didn’t feel any pain.

I turned to see Julian with a now bruised cheek. “Cunt.” Brendon spat as he passed me.

I quickly went to Julian, who was smiling slightly, showing his slightly blood coated teeth. “I’m so sorry, Julian.” I tried not to cry.

Julian shook his head. “Don’t be. Let’s just get out of here, like you said.”

I nodded, taking Julian’s hand once more and leading him out of the packed house and to my car. “Fucking limped dick asshole, piece of shit...” I continued mumbling profanities as I gripped my steering wheel tightly, making my knuckles turn white.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Julian looking at me with an eyebrow raised. “You good?” He asked nervously.

I huffed. “Yep. Perfect.”

“Uh...sure you are.”

“Brendon is such an asshole!” I raised my voice, making Julian flinch. “...sorry.”

The rest of the drive to Julian’s house was silent, not an uncomfortable silence but not comfortable either. “I’m sorry about tonight, Jules.” I whispered.

Julian smiled weakly, rubbing my shoulder gently. “At least he punched me and not you.” He said, making me blush. Thankfully, the headlights of the car didn’t illuminate my face that much.

“So, see you at school?” I smile at him.

Julian grinned and nodded. “I will.”

⚫ ⚫ ⚫

The next couple days were a blur, just preparing for the first week of college classes. I was excited, mostly for the hopefully pleasant experience of meeting nice people and helpful professors.

And of course, seeing Julian.

I wanted to carpool with him, but he insisted on taking his skateboard everywhere during the day. Thankfully, he was going to allow me to drive him to his only night class.

I walked down the decently busy halls of one of the many college buildings on campus in search of my first class of the day. Having a little pep in my step as I finally found the right hallway.

I grinned when I saw Julian standing outside the classroom, playing on his phone. “Well, hi there, classmate!” I smiled, causing Julian to jump at my sudden greeting.

“Hey.” He smiled back, reaching his hand out. “Nice to meet you!” I rolled my eyes and shook his hand, deciding to play along. “You look very familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?” He joked.

“Shut up.” I laughed, pushing his shoulder.

“Well, shall we?” Julian motioned to the almost empty classroom.

“We shall.”

And a day full classes later, I could finally relax in my car listening to music with Julian. “I didn’t think it would be so exhausting walking everywhere. The classes weren’t bad since it was just going over the syllabus, but the walking...” I huffed.

Julian chuckled. “Yeah, the walking around we’ll have to get used to.”

I turned to face Julian. “So, excited for this night class?”

Julian nodded. “Totally. Since it’s an extra curricular, I’ll probably enjoy it more.”

“Well, I’ll pick you up later then?” I asked.

“Yep.” He said, opening up the passenger side door. “Don’t be late, please.”

“Me? Late? Never?” I giggled.

As I entered my home, I thought about about taking a nap. But then if I did, I knew I’d sleep in late. Getting homework done early it is.

A few more hours pass and it was probably time to pick up Julian. I got back in my car and drove to his place, to see him already sitting on his porch. “Wow, you’re on time.” He teased.

“Oh, hush. I know how much you hate being late to things.”

“You’re so thoughtful.” He smiled, buckling his seatbelts.

“Have fun.” I told him as he got out of the car when we got to the college parking lot.

“I’ll try.” He smiled again, closing the door and heading inside the building.

I decided to go to a Starbucks to pass the time, since the class was only half an hour. I also didn’t feel like going home, plus it’ll save gas.

I looked at my phone to check the time. Eh, I could probably head back over just in case the class gets out early. It didn’t, but I waited in the parking lot anyway. Just playing on my phone, trying to distract myself. It caused me to jump when the passenger side door opened suddenly. “Oh! It’s just you.” I laughed.

Julian got in the car with a bashful smile. “It me.” He giggled.

“What’s got you all smiley?” I asked.

“Uh...” He started, “There was this...gorgeous woman in my class.”

My curious smile quickly fell, turning into a slight frown. “Oh, really?” I tried to sound happy.

“It’s uh, Mrs. Fletcher.”

The awkward silence was suddenly filled by my obnoxious laughter, making Julian frown. “Brendon’s mom? Isn’t she like, 50?”

“I don’t know...” Julian mumbled.

“Julian, you can’t be serious. Right?” Julian said nothing, thus making a silent confirmation that he was being serious. “Oh...” I frowned, suddenly feeling an ache in my chest. “Well...I’m happy for you then.”

...I guess.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, Julian would go on and on about this Mrs. Fletcher every day. Which was annoying since I was with him almost every day. It took a lot for me to not yell at him to shut up, but wouldn’t do that to him...I hope.

It hurt a lot, knowing that Julian was into another girl...well, woman. All the times he talked about her, I wished it was about me instead.

It made me feel selfish for feeling that way. Mrs. Fletcher was probably a nice woman, compared to her son at least. But I keep thinking of ways to murd- “Y/N?”

I was snapped out of my thoughts by Julian. “Sorry, what?” I asked.

“You weren’t here.” He said, looking concerned.

I smiled weakly. “I’m here. I’m here.”

Julian didn’t look convinced, but shook his head. “Well, as I was saying, Eve isn’t 50. She’s 45. But she looks like she’s in her goddamn 20′s.”

“She’s probably made of plastic...” I mumbled out accidently.

“Hey!” Julian shouted, laughing off his slight offense.

“Sorry. It’s just...we’re supposed to be studying.” I sigh.

Julian held up his hands up in fake surrender. “You’re right. You’re right.” He looked back to his notes. “But one more thing-”

“Oh my god, Julian! I don’t wanna hear about Mrs. Fletcher and her perfect personality, perfect body, and her perfect everything! I’m fucking sick of hearing you go on and on about how much you like her and how you feel a connection!”

Julian looked at me with a shocked and hurt expression, making me sigh and rub my hands over my face. “Why?” He asked quietly.

“I...” I stuttered, sighing and standing up from the bed to gather up all my textbooks, quickly leaving his room before he even got a chance to ask why I was leaving.

I heard Julian run after me, but I made it to the door, promptly tripping over my own feet before I even made it to my car. My textbooks flew everywhere as I rolled over on my back with a groan, mostly hurt from embarrassment.

“Y/N! Are you okay?” Julian quickly ran and kneeled beside me. “Please, tell me you’re okay.”

I sighed. “Yeah...yeah, I’m okay.” I sat up to meet Julian’s concerned puppy dog eyes.

“Why did you just leave like that, huh? What’s the matter with you?”

I closed my eyes, not wanting to pour out all my hidden feelings for this pretty boy. But I knew he wasn’t going to let me ignore him. “I like you, okay?” I said suddenly. “I hate listening to you talk about Eve cause I’m jealous. I want you to feel that way about me, not some woman who’s more than twice your age.

Julian stayed silent, making me sigh. “I do want you to be happy, Jules. And if that’s with Eve then...I just have to learn to accept it.” I paused. “I should go.” I whispered, lifting myself off the concrete.

Julian stayed crouched to the ground as I gathered my fallen textbooks and opened my car door to toss them in the backseat. “Y/N, wait.” I heard Julian say from behind me.

I reluctantly turned around to face him. “What is it, Jul-”

I was cut off by Julian placing his lips onto mine. My eyes widened, shocked about what was taking place. Julian pulled away, too fast.

“I’ve like you for such a long time, Y/N. Ever since you saved me from Brendon three years ago. I was into Eve because...well, I didn’t think you felt that way about me.”

My mouth hung open in shock, not knowing what to say. “I had no idea you felt that way about me either...obviously.” I chuckled nervously.

Julian smiled, tenderly rubbing my cheek with his thumb. He leaned in again, but I pulled back. “What about Eve?” I asked.

“I don’t care about her anymore. You’ve always been my number one.”

I smiled and blushed. We both leaned in at the same time, our lips colliding in a passionate kiss that was now filled with understanding and longing.

It took a lot of willpower to pull away from Julian, wanting to stay like this forever. “So, do you wanna be my boyfriend?” I asked timidly.

“Absolutely...girlfriend.”

~~~~~~~~~~

A bit of a stray from my previous post, jesus 😅

#mrs. fletcher #julian spitzer #julian spitzer x reader #julian spitzer imagine #owen teague

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oikirstein · 4 years ago

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𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 | Kuroken | Day 1

Synopsis: Kenma has has loved his best friend, Kuroo, for a lifetime. After a misfortunate occurrence which was photographed by the media, the PR team for Bouncing Ball Corp. decide that it’s a good idea for Kenma and Kuroo to play along with the public to increase the sales of their upcoming product release. Will Kenma be able to control his emotions, or will he lose his best friend in the process?

Contains: Angst, unrequited love, fake relationship

Posted: 12/21/2020

Word count: 3,342

Haikyuu Angst Week Prompt List here.

I have been in love with Tetsuro Kuroo since I was seven years old.

I still love him—eighteen years later.

Growing up as best friends, he was never a hard person to love. He looks out for me, brought me out of my comfort zone, hell, he’s the reason why I’ve grown into who I am today. I’d never admit that to his stupid face, though.

I was seventeen when I realized my love for him was more than just platonic. He was a year older than me, so by the time I started my third year, he was already off to university. The harsh reality of the situation finally weighed heavy on me when I waited outside of his house for thirty minutes and remembered he’s not coming anymore.

He called me later that evening apologizing, although he did nothing wrong, because that’s just the type of person Kuroo was. The next week he surprised me by waiting outside my door to walk me to school.

“I miss this,” he reminisced, staring up at the sky.

“What?” I turned to him, heart racing just a little more than usual, hoping for a certain string of words to come out of his mouth.

“Walking to school like this every morning.”

They didn’t.

I don’t know what I was hoping for. Maybe I wanted him to say he missed walking with me. I’m not sure whether I’d rather hear lies or the truth. That was the day I admitted to myself that he’d be the only person for me.

Now here we are, me at 25 and him at 26 sitting in my office with my publicist yelling at us for being so reckless in public. It was a misunderstanding, really.

“How could you do that at a party where you knew there’d be press coverage?” Kata was pacing back and forth while I rested my forehead on my crossed arms that laid on the glass desk and Kuroo leaned back in his chair on the other side of the table.

“Kata,” she stopped mid-stride and turned her attention to me as I muttered, “how many times do I have to repeat myself,” I lifted my head back up, “IT ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK.”

Kuroo found it difficult to hold back his laugh.

“I don’t think you should be laughing, Kuroo-san. You’re in just as much trouble as Kozume-san.”

He stopped laughing.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I think. It was never about what I thought. The point of my job is to make sure you look good for the public. Thats what a publicist does. Now the issue here, is that the public thinks you’re dating.”

“Okay, wow so all it takes is for me to fall, Kuroo to catch me, and some no-name photographer to snap a picture of us for us to be considered ‘dating’ now?”

“Kozume-san if you play into this little charade, say for a couple months, just long enough for the new product to be released, sales will go up, and then you can just announce that you two called it quits.”

Was it really worth playing with my heart just to earn a quick buck?

“No. I don’t want Kuroo to be forced to date me, that’s weird and embarrassing.”

Kata walked forward and took a seat in the chair next to Kuroo before she leaned forward and rest her chin on her hand, “Here’s the thing Kozume-san, you two ‘dating’, doesn't even have to be real,” proud of her award-winning idea, she leaned back in her seat, arms folded across her chest, and a smug look written all over her face.

“So what you’re saying is to do this as a cash grab?” Kuroo seemed genuinely curious.

“Well somewhat. Think of it more like...fan service.”

“Hmmm...I mean if it’s a show they want then it’s a show they’ll get,” he reached over and smacked my back, “What do you say kitten? Be my scene partner?” he smirked.

Ugh. Why does he have to use those stupid nicknames that always make my heart flutter. My face was visibly cringing as i scrunched up my nose and scowled at him. He knows I could never truly refuse when it’s him.

“Fine,” I mumbled under my breath as I looked away.

Kuroo’s footsteps were light as he got up from his seat and went around the desk to sneak up behind me. He bent down and leaned in close towards my ear.

“What was that, puddin?” he whispered, his hot breath whipping through my loose strands of hair.

I jumped out of my seat and rubbed my ear with the sleeve of my jacket and he laughed his ugly, stupid, hyena laugh.

“See! Look at that! You two aren’t even ‘dating’ and yet you have so much chemistry!” Kata said enthusiastically while clapping.

Of course we have chemistry. We’ve been best friends for eighteen years. Soulmates our whole lives. It was always easy to be around Kuroo. That’s one of the things I love about him. Why wouldn’t we have chemistry?

“Well, when you’ve been best friends with someone for like, your whole life, of course you’re gonna know exactly how to push his buttons,” his voice was breathy as he wiped tears from his eyes.

I didn’t realize it then, but I truly did sell my heart for pocket change.

A full month later was when we went out in public together as a “couple” for the first time. It was a simple brunch at a well known restaurant, but Kata made sure to anonymously tip paparazzi that we would be at that establishment. Together. It wasn’t even 30 minutes into our meal when we were bombarded with cameras.

“Today we are here with Kenma Kozume, the young CEO of Bouncing Ball Corp., and his supposed boyfriend, Tetsuro Kuroo, from the Japan Volleyball Association. Are any of you able to speak on the rumors spreading about the two of you?”

Kuroo had always been good at talking. He's been smooth with his words for as long as I could remember him. He was...a people person. The complete opposite of me, which is why we agreed that Kuroo would do most of the talking, should a camera crew show up.

He laughed, not the ugly hyena kind, it was an attractive laugh. That’s how I knew it wasn’t real.

“Well I mean we won’t confirm or deny anything right now, won’t we kitten?” he winked at me and suddenly all the attention was directed towards my direction.

Idiot. Two can play at that game.

“Im pretty sure whatever the public is thinking is probably true, hm Tetsu?”

I’ve never called him that before, so it was obvious he was shocked. Big eyes and blushy cheeks. We gave the camera exactly what it wanted.

“Is that a confirmation?” the man behind the camera was provoking us for an answer.

“It’s whatever you want it to be,” he smirked before taking his chopsticks back into his hand and grabbing a plate full of beef, “Now if you gentlemen will excuse us, we’d like to continue our lunch date.”

Satisfied with the content they would now be able to work with, the cameras slowly started retreating from the scene until it was just us two again.

“Damn maybe I should’ve gone into show business,” he smirked.

“Shut up, they might still be around,” I whispered while looking down, incase we were still being watched.

“How do you know I was talking about that. I could just simply be saying that I would’ve been amazing on T.V.”

“No you wouldn’t,” I replied, monotonous voice, as I took a bite of some barbecue and rice.

“Kenma, why do you have to break my heart like this? What if I was born to be an actor?”

“Uhm I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen an actor that has the same hairstyle twenty-four seven, three hundred sixty-five days a year.”

“That’s a technicality. Why should hair define my amazing acting abilities?”

“Then I want to see you shave your head and wear a wig.”

Kuroo froze in the middle of whatever movement he was making and just stared at the grill in the middle of the table with a horrified expression written on his face.

“You know what? Maybe I wasn't meant to be an actor...”

Outings usually continued on like this. We would have little interviews with paparazzi, slowly dropping more and more hints about our “relationship,” and once they left, we’d have breakfast, lunch, or dinner, like we usually do. I suppose to any outsider it would seem as though we were on a date, but I wouldn’t allow myself to call this pitiful get together as such.

I could pretend this was real. I could tell myself that Kuroo reciprocated my feelings. I could tell myself that we were truly in a relationship. I could tell myself I have a chance, but a mere sliver of probability isn’t worth risking our friendship.

Since I was seventeen I accepted the fact that I’d be happy as long as he was in my life. I mean, he’d still smile the same. He’d still laugh the same. He’d still love me...

I’m supposed to be content with what I have. It’s either we stay as best friends, or we go on as strangers, and I’d rather avoid the latter. So why do I feel such a tightness in my chest whenever we’re forced to go out together? Why do I feel so selfish for wanting more?

Two months went by until we had to make an actual appearance together at a party. Me under Kuroo’s arm like some sort of bittersweet candy.

He was always good at reading people—especially me. Which is why he pulled me aside before we walked into the huge rental house. The only reason I agreed to show up was because it was Shoyo’s team celebrating their win against some team who’s name I can’t remember.

“You okay Ken?” he rested both hands on my shoulders with my back against the wall.

“Yeah, I just need a second.”

I never did like big crowds.

After taking a few minutes to breathe before submitting myself to the abyss of rowdy adrenaline-high athletes, Kuroo took my hand in his as we walked through the front doors together. It was warm. Like my fingers were molded to fit perfectly into his palm. Must’ve been why I felt so cold when he let my hand go.

As soon as the camera flashed and Bokuto called him from the other side of the room, he whispered an “I’ll be back kitten,” before joining the beefy player by the bar.

I guess I’ll go find Shoyo.

It wasn’t long until I saw a bush of bright orange bobbing up and down through a sea of people.

“Shoyo!”

“Kenma!”

“Congratulations on your win.”

“Thank you! I wouldn’t want to disappoint my sponsor,” he winked, “Do you want to step outside? It’s a little loud in here.”

Whether he means to or not, Shoyo’s always been good at making sure people feel comfortable.

“Uhm, Shoyo?” I grabbed the hem of his shirt and tugged a little to get his attention.

“What’s up?” he practically had to yell over the loud music and the incessant yelling of the surrounding people.

“Can we get a beer first?”

A smile spread across his face, “Of course, just wait for me by the fire outside.”

I followed his instructions and sat in one of the red lawn chairs that snaked around the circular bonfire.

“How’ve you been?” the ginger said while handing me an opened beer and sitting in the chair next to me.

“I’ve been alright. Things are running smoothly for the product release—”

“I didn't ask about how work was, Kenma,” he interrupted, “How are you?”

“Oh. Uhm...I’m keeping it together.”

He leaned back in the plastic chair and took a sip from his drink, “So you and Kuroo-san, huh?”

I looked around to make sure no one was near us. I could never lie to Shoyo.

“Barely,” I mumbled as I, myself, took a big gulp.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“It’s an act. All because of a misunderstanding from a few months ago.”

“Well did you have a choice?”

“Not really.”

“That's unfortunate. I thought you would’ve told him how you felt by now.”

“Wait- what do you mean ‘how I felt?’ You knew?”

“I may not be that bright, but I have eyes, Kenma. I can see the way your eyes gloss over when he calls you one of those cute pet names, or the way your cheeks redden when he does that weird laugh at your jokes.”

“Hmm... You’re more observant than I thought, Sho.”

“So why haven’t you told him?”

Just thinking about confessing scared the shit out of me. All I can imagine is the disgusted look on his face when I tell him. The scenario plays over and over again in my head—the one where he walks away and fades into the background. I don’t know when I started crying, but I had only realized it when I heard the glass of Shoyo’s bottle tap the ground.

“What’s wrong?”

I wiped the hot tears from my cheeks with my wrist.

“I guess I just love him too much to lose him.”

Two weeks after that party, we had another meeting at the office.

“This has been going great so far!” Kata exclaimed, obviously proud of her idea, “Have you ever thought of being an actor?” she teased Kuroo.

“See! That’s what I’ve been telling Kenma, but apparently my untamable hair is standing in the way between me and fame.”

“You’re already all over the news, idiot.”

“And all thanks to my little kitten,” he walked over to my seat behind my desk and peppered my cheek in kisses.

“We’re not in public, you can stop acting all lovey dovey,” I spat. I didn’t even think about my words until Kata’s effervescent expression changed into a state of confused shock. She wasn’t sure how she should react to my outburst.

“W-what? It’s all fun and games, Ken,” Kuroo was taken aback by my response as well, but he hid it much better than my publicist.

“It always is with you,” I got up and walked out of office. I couldn't take it anymore. All this pretending and toying with my heart. I felt bad for blaming it all on Kuroo, when he couldn’t have possibly known about my feelings, but it was easier to blame him for my pain than to admit to myself that I’m a coward.

I rounded the corner and continued on my way to the vending machine to get an energy drink. Those always seemed to put me in a better mood.

Kuroo knew me well. Who wouldn’t after eighteen years? That’s probably why he knew exactly where to find me.

“What the hell was that, Kenma?”

I pulled up the tab of the can and let the hiss of carbonation fizzle out before I took a sip and leaned against the wall.

“What was what?”

“You’re little scene in there? What’s going on?”

“Nothing is going on.”

“You’re lying to me.”

I looked off to the side, my eyes scanning every row in the vending machine, “I just think it’s time to call quits on this charade we have going on,” I responded dryly.

“Huh? Why? It’s only a couple more weeks until the release. Why end it now?”

“I’m tired, Kuroo. I don’t want to have to pretend all the time anymore.”

I was never an emotional person, so I knew that in this moment Kuroo knew something catastrophic was going on inside my head, for me to put myself before the potential success of the company.

“It’s just for a little while longer and then we can go back to normal, okay? Can you just hold out until then?”

“No. You’re not listening to me. Why the hell do you want to keep doing this. This doesn’t benefit you in the slightest.”

“Because I love you,” my heart rate went up at these words although I knew he didn’t mean them in the way I wish he did, “You’re my best friend and I want to see you thrive.”

“Why are you always putting yourself on the line for me?”

“Putting myself on the line? What are you—”

“I’m so selfish! And then you over here,” I rolled my eyes at him before kicking my weight off the wall, “You constantly give but you never take!”

“I don’t see the issue with that.”

“You’re too good for me,” I looked to the ground because I knew that if I looked up into his gorgeous hazel eyes, I would definitely cry.

“That’s not true—”

“Yes it is and you know it,” my voice was on the verge of cracking from how tired I was from arguing.

“You know what? You look like you need some space. Think about things okay? I’m only a phone call away. I’ll see you at the launch party,” he walked away.

The day of the launch party was a bore. Just a bunch of business men in suits and the growing anxiety in the pit of my stomach, for Kuroo had yet to show up like he promised.

It was half-past twelve when I stepped outside the venue to get some fresh air. The second I opened the doors was when I saw him pacing back and forth, deep in thought.

“Kuroo?”

“Kenma! I’m so sorry about what happened a few weeks ago—”

I did nothing but hugged him like I was going to lose him.

“Why are you apologizing? I was the one that had a tantrum.”

“Well you’re not the only one that got mad.”

“Let’s go for a walk?”

He nodded and draped his heavy arm over my shoulder before he took another step.

“Well so far sales have been good. Almost linear.”

“I’m glad I was able to help. So this is the end, huh?”

We both stopped in the middle of the side walk. I didn’t want it to end. The handholding, the hugs, the camera kisses. I wanted all of it. I so badly wanted all of it to be real. Maybe it’s because I spent half the night drinking, or maybe it’s because his midnight hair ricocheted the moonlight ever so perfectly, that I felt a courage rush through me like never before.

“Why does it have to end?”

“Didn’t you say like three weeks ago that you wanted to end our little ‘relationship?’”

“I don’t mean it like that. I mean,” I unwrapped myself from his limb and stepped in front of him, “I’m in love with you, Tetsu. I have been for eighteen years.”

A piece of my heart cracked when he took a step back, face pale, and eyes widened.

“What?”

I wanted to take a step forward, but for some reason, my feet were glued to the ground.

“I love you.”

He smiled assuringly before he laughed to lighten the air. The same type of laugh he’s used to fool reporters.

“You’re my best friend, Kenma.”

“I know. I’ll never be more than that, right?”

“You know I love you,” I wouldn’t dare get my hopes up again at those words, “You’re like a little brother to me.”

Damn. Is this what it feels like for my heart to be so irreparably shattered? Physical pain spread from my chest throughout my body. To the tips of fingers and toes.

“I—” he started, before giving you that diabetes inducing smile, “I should go.”

I watched him walk away. It was a vision from my worst nightmare. When did it all change? Is this what my selfishness was bound to lead to?

What was supposed to be a simple marketing tactic, turned out to be a fate worse than death. I was heartbroken to think he was my soulmate, but I wasn’t his.

reblogs are greatly appreciated :)

#haikyuu #fanfiction #haikyuu fanfiction #kuroo #tetsuro kuroo #kuroo tetsuro #kenma #kozume kenma #kenma kozume #kuroken #angst #haikyuu angst #kuroo x kenma #kenma x kuroo #kuroken angst #i am so sorry for this #haikyuu angst week #haikyuu angst week 2020 #gel scribbles

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fuckyeahprodigalson · 5 years ago

Link

Although Prodigal Son was one of many series to shut down production over coronavirus concerns, Monday’s episode actually was the intended finale, due to the order in which episodes were filmed; Episodes 19 and 20, however, could not be completed. Below, series co-creators Chris Fedak and Sam Sklaver discuss how the season was impacted by those lost episodes, as well as how that Ainsley twist would play out in Season 2.

TVLINE | This production shutdown put you in an interesting place, given that you were able to film your intended finale but had to scrap Episodes 19 and 20. Did losing those two hours force you to change the episodes that did air? CHRIS FEDAK | Everything was changing very quickly in that last week before production went down. As Sam and I were looking at the situation in New York, we got the very strong impression that we’d be shutting down, and we’d be shutting down for a while. What we did was, we quickly rewrote Episodes 19 and 20 — and those episodes are fantastic, we hope to come back to them at some point — and we turned them into two scenes that became the first two scenes of Episode 21. Essentially, we scrapped those two episodes, and we linked the end of Episode 18 to the beginning of Episode 21. SAM SKLAVER | We were hoping to tell a five-episode story with [Nicholas Endicott]. We would meet him in Episode 18, as we did, and he was a very lovely character, and he was a romantic interest to Jessica. And he would remain a romantic interest for a while, and then we would realize that Nicholas Endicott was a monster. We had a much longer game plan with Dermot, because he’s so fabulous. We wanted to use him as much as possible, and that’s really what we had to cut short.

When we only had a few days left to shoot, we were like, “Oh, shoot, we have to turn Nicholas into a bad guy.” That was [originally] a whole episode, when they realized that. So we had to bring in Anna [Eilinsfeld], who plays Sophie, and have her say, “Nicholas Endicott is a monster.” We were very fortunate, though, in that once we realized all we had to do was turn Nicholas into a bad guy and deal with Eve’s death, somehow it could flow pretty seamlessly from Episode 18 to Episode 21, just with shooting those two scenes. We weren’t able to do everything we wanted, but we were so fortunate in that we got to end the season with the story that we had always wanted to tell since we first sold this show to Fox. It was fortunate for us, and we wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without our post-production team.

TVLINE | Outside of the Nicholas arc, were there other storylines from those two lost episodes that you’d like to fold into Season 2 somehow? FEDAK | Absolutely. We had two very good episodes that allowed us to explore two things that we’d wanted to get into from the beginning of the season: One had to do with exorcism, and the other one had to do with technology. Those were the genres that we were stepping into in those weeks. And the other thing we didn’t get to touch was watching Ainsley do her thing as an investigative reporter. We had some fun stuff that we wanted to do there. SKLAVER | And for the very niche audience who’s a fan, we had a new car for Gil. [Laughs] His LeMans got destroyed by Bright jumping out of a window in Episode 13, and we had a really great thing with Gil finally getting a new car. I know Lou Diamond Phillips was very excited about that, as well. We need to work that story back in, most importantly.

TVLINE | Tell me about the Ainsley twist in this episode. Did the idea of making her a killer come up as you outlined this finale, or had you been building toward this all season? FEDAK | It was something we were intentionally building toward. We always knew this was something we wanted to play with when we started talking about the season, in regards to Ainsley’s psychology as opposed to Bright’s. It’s also a big part of where we’re excited to go next year. SKLAVER | The story that Ainsley always told herself was that she was too young to be affected by her father, but when Chris and I started thinking about these characters, we thought there’s no way she wasn’t affected by her father. She was just dealing with it differently. So we kind of loved the misdirect that all the attention is on Bright, who is older and had a stronger relationship with his father, but of course Ainsley was also affected by it. Trying to find a way to get to that was always the plan, because Halston Sage is such a rockstar, and in exploring this central dynamic of “like father, like son,” we also wanted to see what it would do to his daughter, as well.

TVLINE | I found Martin’s “My girl!” exclamation really interesting. Should we take that to mean Ainsley will be more of the focus in Season 2? FEDAK | Ainsley is still a very big part of the show. We have a lot of fun getting into the psychology of our characters, and she’s as much a mystery now as she was at the beginning of this year. That’s something we’d like to explore, and whenever we’re breaking down our stories, we not only break down the mystery of what people do, but also the mystery of what’s happening inside their minds. It’s definitely going to be a big part of Season 2.

TVLINE | What kind of toll is this going to take on her psyche? It’s not like she seemed to relish killing Nicholas; it was almost like she came out of a fog once it was done. How will we see that manifest? FEDAK | I only want to dip my toe into the story of Season 2, but what you’re seeing in that moment is exactly what we were going for on the page. You’re seeing a very complicated reaction to a very stressful and dynamic situation, and the ramifications of that will be dealt with next year — not only for her, but also for her brother, who’s been dealing with his father for all these years and now has to try and understand his sister and what happened in that moment. But that complexity is our intention. SKLAVER | Luckily, Chris and I have never slit a man’s throat and stabbed him six times like Ainsley does. FEDAK | [Laughs] SKLAVER | But I have to imagine that it does change you. [Laughs] It’s not something you can just tuck away, or if it is something you try to tuck away, as we’ve explored throughout the season, you can’t bury ghosts and trauma. They will always come back to you. So we’re afraid, but we’re not afraid of exploring it.

TVLINE | The Girl in the Box storyline was wrapped up pretty thoroughly in this episode. Looking ahead, do you intend to tell more stories that involve Malcolm investigating his father’s past victims? FEDAK | This is a show about memory, and it’s about what happened in our pasts and how it defines us. In this season, we went back to the Girl in the Box because we were fascinated with who she was and what she meant to Bright, and also with Bright discovering that his father was a killer. There are other parts of Bright’s past that we can’t wait to get into. What was it like being a kid with your father on trial for murder? That was the biggest trial in New York in the 1990s, and that’s a place we want to explore. There are still other revelations for us to get into. SKLAVER | And Martin Whitly killed 23 people that we know of, but there could easily be more. And Martin’s own past is something that we’re very excited to get into. What was Martin’s childhood like? How does someone like Martin get made? The Girl in the Box was a very poignant story to tell because it was a connection that the two of them had, and it was some of Bright’s memories that we could explore. But going back to 1998 and before that, it’s very rich territory.

#prodigal son #prodigal son spoilers #ep20 #chris fedak #sam sklaver #interview #bts

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lunarr-rrose · 4 years ago

Video

What is the Deal with Property Insurance?

https://u109893.h.reiblackbook.com/generic11/the-storage-stud/what-is-the-deal-with-property-insurance/

Crum-Halsted is a full service insurance and risk management agency headquartered in Sycamore, IL with six offices in Illinois providing outstanding service, security, and peace of mind for businesses, families, and individuals for over 90 years.

Greg Jones is the Vice President of the Chicago Real Estate Council and Director with the Rogers Park Builders Group as well as a Deacon at Christ Community Church in Lemont. When not working, he enjoys watching the cubs with a good cigar and a great whiskey in hand, playing poker, and riding motorcycles.

https://crumhalsted.com/

Fernando O. Angelucci is the Founder and President of Titan Wealth Group. He also leads the firm’s finance and acquisitions departments. Fernando Angelucci and Steven Wear founded Titan Wealth Group in 2015, and under his leadership, the firm’s revenue has grown over 100% year over year. Today,

Find out more at

https://www.thestoragestud.com

https://titanwealthgroup.com/

Listen to our Podcast: https://thestoragestud.podbean.com/e/what-is-the-deal-with-property-insurance/

Titan Wealth Group operates nationwide sourcing off market investment properties for Titan Wealth Group’s acquisition as well as servicing a network of thousands of active real estate investors world wide. Prior to founding Titan Wealth Group, Fernando worked for Dow Chemical, a Fortune 50 company, rolling out a flagship product estimated to gross $1B in global revenues.

With an engineering background, Fernando is able to approach real estate investing with a keen analytical mindset that allows Titan Wealth Group to identify opportunities and project accurate pictures of future performance. Fernando graduated from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign with a B.A. degree in Technical Systems Management.

Titan Wealth Group was founded in 2015 with the vision of gathering individual investors that have the means to invest but lack either the time to find high-yield investment opportunities or the access to these off-market deals. All too often, founders Fernando Angelucci & Steven Wear came across investors who had deployed their capital only to regret the lack of consistency or degree of returns their investments were producing. In response, Titan Wealth Group provides access to highly-vetted real estate secured investments and off-market acquisition opportunities primarily in the Greater Chicago MSA. Today, Titan Wealth Group not only assists individual investors but has grown to support the acquisition goals and capital deployment of investment groups, private equity firms, and real estate investment trusts (REITs).

As a facilitator of wealth growth, Titan Wealth Group believes that success is not limited to the sum of our efforts and is infinite with what can be accomplished through partnership.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fernando Angelucci (00:16): Hey everybody, welcome back. We're doing a special Thanksgiving podcast here today. So on this episode of What's The Deal, the real estate podcast that gives answers, we'll be covering What's The Deal with Property I nsurance. Real estate is one of the few investment vehicles that you can purchase in property insurance for, you now, yay for hard assets. So joining me today to provide some coverage on the topic of Property Insurance is my good friend and colleague Greg Jones. So how are we doing Greg?

Greg Jones (00:51): Good. How about you, Fernando?

Fernando Angelucci (00:53): Doing good. I'm doing good. It's 72, 73 degrees outside in California. I'm glad I'm not in Chicago at the moment.

Greg Jones (01:01): It's not quite that nice here right now.

Fernando Angelucci (01:06): Okay. So Greg, on this podcast, we have all types of listeners from super professional, you know, multi million dollar portfolio, all the way to the new investor or someone that is trying to become a new investor. So let's back up a little bit and, you know, explain who you are and what you do.

Greg Jones (01:26): Got it. So my name is Greg Jones. I am a risk advisor with Crum Halstead Agency. So I work with real estate companies and developers as well as contractors around consulting around risk and placement of insurance.

Fernando Angelucci (01:42): How'd you get into the business?

Greg Jones (01:45): I was introduced to a guy that owned an agency shoot, this is probably almost 10 years ago now. Right place, right time. I grew up in a background of construction, both my dad and my brother owned construction companies. Had friends that were in real estate, didn't want to do construction for a living. So I figured I would give insurance a try and it ended up being a really good fit.

Fernando Angelucci (02:10): Oh, okay. I didn't know that about you.

Greg Jones (02:13): Yeah.

Fernando Angelucci (02:14): Figured it would come up in one of those late night poker games.

Greg Jones (02:17): Yeah, exactly.

Fernando Angelucci (02:20): Okay. So for people that don't know what is Property Insurance and what does a risk advisor do?

Greg Jones (02:31): So property insurance is realistically, it's a like a contract. So the owner of the property has a contract in place with an insurance company, say whether that's a Travelers or a Hartford or whoever the carrier might be. And in that contract, it will lay out in the event of a claim. Here's what the insurance company is going to pay out. And that covers both damage to the property as well as if there's an injury to someone at the property. So the contract States, what the limits are, what the causes of that claim are covered versus certain kinds of causes of claim might not be covered, unless you buy that or purchase it as an add-on, a good example of that is earthquake coverage. Earthquake isn't automatically included, but you can purchase it as an additional coverage line item, but it's all built into a contract that lasts for 12 months between the owner and the insurance company.

Fernando Angelucci (03:28): Okay. And then with those types of con, let's bring it into reality with some examples. So say I'm a new investor. I'm going to be buying a four flat property in Chicago. I'm going to live in one unit myself, rent out the other three units, let's say each units, 1200 square feet and the buildings' a hundred years old, what am I looking at for coverage? Or what should I be looking at for coverage? Where are the premiums going to fall? And what are some things that I should be paying attention to or looking for in those contracts?

Greg Jones (04:04): Right. So the first question you have to answer, especially because you're living in one of those units, is how are you going to cover the property? You could cover it on a personal insurance policy, or you could cover it on a commercial policy because it's four units, that's the breaking point. You could cover it either way. After you get to five units, it's always considered a commercial policy.

Fernando Angelucci (04:27): Okay.

Greg Jones (04:27): If you go the route of commercial, which is typically what I recommend the coverage form is a little bit broader in what it will cover you for. The downside is you have to treat yourself because you're living in one of those units as a tenant, you're a tenant within your own building. So your personal property as the resident, isn't going to be covered, but your asset, the building contents within the rental properties, those are covered under the contract.

Greg Jones (04:59): When you're looking at a four unit building, based on the square footage, there's typically a dollar amount that insurance carriers will look at in terms of we're want to cover this for what it will cost to replace it. If you have a catastrophic loss, right? Every carrier has their own algorithms they'll use for this, but typically it comes down to a dollar amount per square foot. The average we're seeing at least in Chicago right now, if it's joist and masonry or better is typically anywhere from 150 to $170 a square foot is what it would cost to completely rebuild. So we would look at what does that cost look like? Then you can set up whatever deductible structure you want. Deductibles go as low as, I mean, realistically, you can go as low as you use the $500. I never seen anybody go that low. Usually the average is, you know, 25 to 10,000 for a deductible. So then if you do have a loss, everything that it's covered under that contract is paid out minus the cost of your deductible.

Fernando Angelucci (06:00): Exactly. Now, one of the things that occurs quite often in Chicago is we have these pockets, these neighborhoods, where the cost of buy the property is significantly below the replacement value. For example you know, my partner, Steven?

Greg Jones (06:16): Yeah.

Fernando Angelucci (06:16): He has a property where, you know, it's 140 year old masonry and limestone building the cost to replace that type of building would be a 1.4, 1.3, 1.4 million, but he bought it for significantly lower than that in those types of situations, what do you recommend doing with the coverage amount with the policy?

Greg Jones (06:42): So it really comes down to as the building owner, what is your goal in the event of a claim, right? So you want to make sure you have enough coverage so that if there's a partial claim or a partial loss is what they call it. So let's say hale comes through and destroys the roof. It's not a total loss. You want to have enough to repair that roof.

Fernando Angelucci (07:03): Right.

Greg Jones (07:03): The question is, if you were to have a catastrophic loss, the building is completely destroyed or it's damaged so much that the city comes in and says, you have to take this building down. It's now a safety hazard, right? In that kind of scenario, what do you want to do? Do you want to rebuild something there? Or would you rather just take the money and go buy something else and sell the land after the debris has been removed, right?

Greg Jones (07:28): So the answer to that question really drives how we advise, typically in these situations, I find the investor really would rather just take the money and go buy something else because that coverage amount that you've got for that partial loss is more than enough to buy at least another building like it in that area, or maybe even more, right? So you get this dilemma of, I bought it for, you know, say 250,000, but it will cost me 1.5 million to rebuild it. Right? Insurance companies will allow you in some cases and it depends on the carrier, but they will allow you to do what's called a stated amount, or it's a, some carriers call it a loss limit. So, you as the building owner can say, this is how much I want to cover my building for. I recognize it's not enough to rebuild it, but I want to cover it. So let's use this building and as an example, you buy it for 250,000 let's say it's 1.5 to fully rebuild it. And you say, I only want to cover it for half a million dollars, half a million will cover any partial loss that happens. If it's a total loss, I'd rather just take the money and go buy something else. The rating for that is typically a little bit higher, but it still ends up coming out much less than it would be if you were to fully insure it for $1.5 million.

Fernando Angelucci (08:51): And when you say rating, what do you mean by that?

Greg Jones (08:54): So, the premium for insurance for property is driven by a rate. So whatever value is selected for that building. So let's say a million dollars for round number purposes. So you take that million dollars, divide it by a hundred and you multiply it by a rate, and that equals your premium. So let's say it's you're getting a 20 cent rate. So for a million dollar building divide it by 10, multiply it by 0.20, that's your property premium.

Fernando Angelucci (09:24): I see.

Greg Jones (09:24): Rates vary based on the asset type. So typically you'll see multi-family tends to be the highest rated asset class out there where retail is considered a little bit less hazardous, office and industrial tend to be considered the least risky. So you could have a building of the same square footage. Let's say you're at a 18 cent rate for apartment building, same size building would be a, what? 10 to 12 cent rate for retail. You might get as low as 8 to 10 cents on office or industrial, just depending on what the asset class is and where it's located.

Fernando Angelucci (10:06): Interesting. Now with, let's say someone in what situations would somebody opt for the full replacement cost is that if you have like a super custom property that, you know, you can't find anywhere else, or?

Greg Jones (10:20): If you have a super custom property, or if the idea is I like where I'm located, the land has significant value. Even if I was going to take the money, I would rebuild something here. I might not rebuild the same thing. So another way that you can do it is some carriers offer what's called Functional Replacement Cost. Right? I seen this particularly with real estate related to older church properties and some need, especially you think about Chicago land. There is all of these churches that were built in the 18 hundreds, the architectures' crazy. You're not going to rebuild one of those just like it stands right now. Right?

Fernando Angelucci (10:58): Right.

Greg Jones (10:59): But you look at, if we were to have a total loss, we would want to rebuild something, same purpose, but we're not going to rebuild it the same way. And so you can use, what's called a Functional Replacement Cost, where you'll estimate based on, if we had a loss, what would we rebuild? What would the square footage be? Same questions, but you're not basing on what's there, you're basing it on what you would build.

Fernando Angelucci (11:24): Right.That's interesting. With the property insurance business, there's a lot of moving parts and it's one of those vendors in the real estate space that usually a lot of the investors don't actually know what goes on behind, right behind the curtains here.

Greg Jones (11:43): Right.

Fernando Angelucci (11:43): Walk us through. When I talk to you, it almost seems like every person that works within your organization, It's almost running like it's their own little business with inside of the organization. Almost like you're not entrepreneur or entrepreneur, some people would say, what is the day in the life of a risk advisor look like, what are you doing on a day-to-day basis?

Greg Jones (12:04): So on a day-to-day basis my time is usually split in a few different categories, right? So there's the time that goes into just the day to day servicing of your existing clients, right? That's helping guide through the process of whether it's an acquisition, that's coming up a disposition, a refinance, there's always moving parts, particularly within real estate. Right? And so there's a lot of day to day servicing. I mean, the interactions with a real estate client versus let's say a manufacturer is completely different.

Fernando Angelucci (12:38): Right.

Greg Jones (12:38): Right. Just because of all those moving parts. So part of the time is spent with that servicing with myself and my team. There's another element of it, of I'm trying to connect with new people. So before we hit a, you know, pandemic that involved going to lots of events and networking and, you know, all that came to a screeching halt in March. So now it's been a lot more time on the phone working through marketing, trying to figure out different creative ways to connect with people, to bring in new clients. Right?

Fernando Angelucci (13:09): Right.

Greg Jones (13:10): And then once you open that opportunity and you're starting to work on a new client there's a lot of time that goes into underwriting. So if an investor says, Hey, we want you to look at our portfolio. There's a lot of detail that you work through with them to gather the right information. And then you're compiling that information and really painting a picture for your underwriters. So, I mean, people have asked me before, what's the difference between a good broker in a bad broker or a good adviser, bad advisors is it's really making sure that you're painting a picture for an underwriter to make that client look really good versus here's 12 locations, here's all the basic raw data, what's my rate? You know, if you actually go into more detail and explain, like here's what the company does, here's what their practices look like, here's what they require of tenants of vendors coming in and out of the space to do work. You can actually derive a much better result than just providing a spreadsheet asking for someone to get you a quote.

Fernando Angelucci (14:12): Interesting. So almost painting a picture of the whole business, not just that one property, you're looking for.

Greg Jones (14:18): Exactly.

Fernando Angelucci (14:18):

To quote on.

Greg Jones (14:19): Exactly.

Fernando Angelucci (14:20): Interesting. How about on the other side? So that's, you know, that's your prospect side, if you will, but how about the actual carriers that you match up with? How do you find these guys? How do you know if a deal is gonna be right for a certain carrier? Cause I know there's hundreds of insurance companies around.

Fernando Angelucci (14:38): Hundreds.

Fernando Angelucci (14:38): In Iowa and I saw every one of the buildings.

Greg Jones (14:42): We're all headquartered there.

Fernando Angelucci (14:42): Yeah.

Greg Jones (14:42): Well, maybe not all of them, but a lot. So yeah. Every, so every insurance company has a different appetite, right? So there is some time spent with those and what those underwriters figuring out what that appetite looks like. So some carriers will, every carrier will say they like real estate in some capacity. Right? But the question is what kind of real estate that you like. So back in the day is when carriers would stop by the office and, you know, have a catch-up meeting with us, you know, they would talk about their appetite, what they've been hitting on recently where they've seen success. And so the first question is always, what kind of real estate are you writing? So in some cases, it's, they really like office and industrial, some carriers really like apartments, few carriers, like every asset class, there are a few. And then I would say in today's market, it's even changing beyond what it has been historically, just because of the unknowns of, you know, what will come of the pandemic and particularly around office and retail and what that's gonna look like. So we've even seen carriers backing away from those asset classes where they historically have been of the most appetite.

Fernando Angelucci (15:55): Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. So for example, how many carriers do you work with if you had to guess?

Greg Jones (16:03): So in the real estate space, I would say we probably have 15 or 20 that really focus in on real estate that specialize in that. So the team that I came over with that help launch our Chicago office has really put a lot of emphasis into partnering with the right companies that work with real estate because real estate is our focus. And so, if there's a market we've come across, that we find is really competitive in the real estate space, we do what we can to get a contract with them. So there's very few markets that specialize in real estate that we don't work with.

Fernando Angelucci (16:36): Yeah. And it's funny, we've worked with each other in the past and you really know which carriers have an appetite for what type of assets. You know, we do some niche style assets, not only the single family, multifamily, but also the self storage buildings.

Greg Jones (16:51): Uh-huh.

Fernando Angelucci (16:51): And you've gotten quotes to me not only quickly, but usually beating out almost all the competition on the premium. And I think one of the things that really helped us, is the fact that you do have a really good ability to paint kind of that picture. Here's what the company's like. Now I have, I'm somebody that always believes that you should get insurance and, you know, plan for the worst, but hope for the best I have come across a lot of investors that do the opposite.

Fernando Angelucci (17:20): I survived.

Fernando Angelucci (17:20): And swear by real estate insurance is a scam and the carriers never pay out. So for you, what would you say? Why should a real estate investor have property insurance? And on top of that, why should they use a risk advisor or a broker as opposed to just contacting a company directly?

Greg Jones (17:43): Good question. So I would say, why should they have property insurance? The short and simple answer is in most cases, if there's a bank involved, it's going to be required.

Fernando Angelucci (17:54): Right.

Greg Jones (17:54): Where it's an option is where you actually own the asset a hundred percent. There's no lending requirements. You can choose whether you're going to insure the building or not. I've seen this particularly be the case when you've got developers who are buying, let's say a vacant property that they're going to repurpose, right? So usually they'll in a lot of cases, they'll buy it for cash or there won't be a bank involved if you will. So they have a choice whether they want to cover that building or not. The, I would say the reason you want to is because you want to have something that protects your investment, right? And it's not just the asset itself, especially when you're looking at development projects, you might purchase a building for, let's say a million dollars.

Greg Jones (18:43): You're going to put a couple of million into it, repurpose it. It's not just covering that initial million dollar investment. It's also looking at what is the potential income that you stand to lose if you lose that asset. Right?

Fernando Angelucci (18:58): Right.

Greg Jones (18:58): So insurance is, I mean, if you think about it, there's not a product out there where you can spend, let's say, I mean, I'm thinking back to one that I did for a client a while back bought a vacant building for it was like half a million dollars. Once he was done with the repurposing of it, he would have been into it for probably about 2.5. And the monetary return on this was going to be over half a million dollars a year. Once it was all done, the coverage of insurance was like $8,000, but we were covering the building for $2 million. Right? So you're spending eight in the event of a total loss. You're getting all of your investment back minus your deductible for 8K to protect an investment of significantly more. So, I mean, being someone that's fairly risk averse I would strongly recommend it.

Fernando Angelucci (19:59): Yeah. And so you're talking about the significant income that, that property would bring in. Is there some type of a rider that you can get for say, instead of it being a total loss, but say something happens where all of a sudden you lose your income generating potential from that building. Is there some type of like loss of rents protection or income protection that you can put on as a rider?

Greg Jones (20:20): So typically you'll have a loss of income or what's called business interruption coverage that's built in. So once you have a stabilized asset, it's generating rental income, you can cover that two ways. You can do it on a stated amount. So you're stating for every location that you have, this is what our annual income is. And if there's a claim, so let's say there was a fire at the building, right? The tenants have to relocate because you're doing all these repairs, it's going to take six months to do the repairs.

Fernando Angelucci (20:51): Yeah.

Greg Jones (20:51):The policy will pay out that loss rental income for those six months until you're back up and operational again. That's based on a stated amount, it functions the same way. A lot of companies prefer to do what's called actual losses sustained, which means you report what the rental income is, but you're not capped at that number. This is particularly important on portfolios where tenants change, right? You don't want to have to go back and report every single time. Well, this tenant moved out, this tenant, moved in. The rents went up a little bit, you know, and change that number all the time. So having actual losses sustained what they will do if there's a claim, they'll look at at the time of the claim, what was the rental income? And that's what they start paying until the repairs are done.

Fernando Angelucci (21:42): And I know we're skipping ahead here, but what are your recommendations on the two methods stated income versus actual? What do you prefer? What do you advise people to go with?

Greg Jones (21:54): Oh, I always prefer actual losses sustained. If you can get it just because it makes it very clean. So, I mean, a lot of times when you'll have an investor that's buying a new asset, they're typically inheriting tenants, right? They might be doing things to the building, providing more value, updates, all kinds of things. Right? And with that comes typically at lease renewal time adjustments in the lease. And if you have actual losses sustained, it doesn't matter what those adjustments are. You can have a unit that's going forward $2,000 a month. You put a lot of value into it, updates, improvements. You're going to increase that from, you know, $2,000 a month to 2,500 a month or whatever the case might be. You don't have to go back and report it every single time. So you don't want to have a cap on what could be paid out for lost income. Actual losses sustained is a much cleaner way to do it.

Fernando Angelucci (22:49): Gotcha. So what are some of the decisions that an investor or someone would be faced with when choosing insurance, what should they be looking out for? What are the things that you're recommending they look for, or pushing them or nudging them towards getting, if it's additional riders, if it's certain types of policies, kind of walk us through that.

Greg Jones (23:13): So there's a few things that I always look for. First time I see a policy. So one of those things is co-insurance which is a very confusing thing for most investors, co-insurance has to do with how much you're going to cover your building for. So the average investor will always cover their building for replacement costs. Typically that's the most standard way to do it. So let's say you have a building that's valued at a million dollars at replacement cost. Co-insurance allows you to insure it for a little less than that. So typically you'll see either 80% or 90%, but if you go below that, there's, what's called a co-insurance penalty, which means, let's say the buildings' a million dollars in value. You have an 80% co-insurance clause in your policy. That means that you can be fully insured up to 80% of the value.

Greg Jones (24:08): So in this case it would be 800,000, right? If you are insured for less than that, and there's a claim, even if it's a partial claim, they will subtract a percentage off of what would have been your claim paid amount based on how far under that 80% you are. So let's say you're insured only to 60% value. Well, you're 20% below where you should have been any claim that gets paid out is going to be docked 20%.

Fernando Angelucci (24:38): I see.

Greg Jones (24:38):

So what we do is, we look at trying to put everything on what's called Agreed Amount, which waives co-insurance, which basically is stating, I mean, we've gone through the process to make sure we're insured adequately, right? But we don't want any risk of co-insurance or penalties. If there's, you know, evaluation difference between the time we wrote the policy and the time of claim happens. So we are going to the carrier is a green in their contract. They will pay out up to X, no questions asked if that is on agreed amount. So that's one of the big ones we look at. One of the overlooked coverages I think is sewer and drain backup. And it's oftentimes put at a very low limit, but if you've gone through claims before, water damage, and you're a lower level, that can cause a significant damage to repair.

Fernando Angelucci (25:31): 60 to $80,000 worth of damage. Greg Jones (25:34):

Exactly. So that's something that I always want to make sure is at a very good limit. That's included in the Chicago market the other one is ordinance and law coverage.

Fernando Angelucci (25:46): Yeah.

Greg Jones (25:46): So it's not automatically included, but it provides coverage for, let's say you have a catastrophic loss and you're dealing with a building that was built in 1912.

Fernando Angelucci (25:56): Right?

Greg Jones (25:56): It's been updated, but there's a lot of things that are grandfathered in, just because of the age of the building. When you reconstruct, you have to reconstruct according to 2020 building code.

Fernando Angelucci (26:09):

Right.

Greg Jones (26:10): And that's an additional expense that is not automatically covered. So making sure that you have those kinds of things. So we, I really focus on trying to get into the weeds on this kind of thing, to make sure you know exactly what it is you're purchasing, and that it's actually protecting your asset, right? Because there's nothing worse than you go out and you purchase a policy from your broker, you have a claim. And then in that process, something's not covered. And you're like, well, I paid for this policy. Why is this not covered? It's like, well, this wasn't included, or this was sub limited. So only a certain amount of it gets paid and you're left spending money out of pocket. The last thing you want is to spend money out of pocket after you've had a claim, and you're already dealing with that headache.

Fernando Angelucci (27:00): Right. How would you advise someone choose the right coverage for their building in a word? It seems like property insurance is kind of like this pull lever here lose a little bit on the other side, pull lever on the other side, loses a little bit here. Usually it's with premium or with, which coverage amount, you're talking about things that are, let's call them named coverages versus unnamed.

Greg Jones (27:26): Right.

Fernando Angelucci (27:26): You know, issues. So what would you advise for someone and how they should approach choosing the right coverage?

Greg Jones (27:35): So typically the way I've always approached it is, I want to lay every option out there. That's on the table, right? These are the coverages that are available. Here's the tiers at which you can get these coverages. Right? So think about sewer and drain backup. For example, I can show you if you want 25,000 of coverage, it's going to cost of this. If you want 50, it's going to cause this, if you want 250, it's gonna cost that. Right? And then based on the size of the building what's your lower level construction type, right? Is it all block and stone? Okay. You probably don't need as much as then you're looking at, you know, fixtures and things like that versus yeah. We have a frame drywall, carpeted, you know, lower level, right?

Fernando Angelucci (28:19): Yeah.

Greg Jones (28:19): That's gonna sustain a lot more damage. So there's a lot of consulting around, based on what you have. This is what's recommended, but here are all the options. And so you lay that out on the table, make a recommendation but at the end of the day, it's up to that investor to choose what they want to proceed with.

Fernando Angelucci (28:37): Okay. What is the most common mistake or mistakes you see real estate investors make when it comes to property insurance?

Greg Jones (28:46): I would say the most common mistake I see is that the first thing they do is they look at what the premium is and they make the decision based on the premium without actually diving into all of those little ancillary coverages. Right? So they'll look at what the premium is and how much is the building covered for, they won't look at things like co-insurance, they won't look at is there any limitation on what my business interruption coverages, is equipment breakdown included all of those little things that if there's a claim will have a big impact. They're just looking at my billings cover for a million dollars and it costs this much. That's the least expensive one. Let's go with that. Or also looking at, what carrier are you partnering with? How does that carrier respond? If there's a claim. Or they carry that really will push back and try to find any possible way, not pay a claim or do they have a good track record of really working with their insurance, right?

Fernando Angelucci (29:47): How do you find that information?

Greg Jones (29:50): So that's where I think working with a adviser comes into play, especially one that's ingrained in the industry by the industry. I mean the real estate industry. So someone who's worked with multiple carriers has been able to see claims walked out from multiple carriers, and be able to say, I've seen experience with this carrier, They're all willing to offer you terms. Here's the pros and cons of each one and what I think their strong suits are.

Fernando Angelucci (30:19): Gotcha. How about on the flip side, what are some of the common mistakes you've seen risk advisors make?

Greg Jones (30:29): I would say the two that I see the most would be not going into full detail and doing the full underwriting themselves on the front end. So, like I said before, there's a lot of brokers out there. I mean, there's thousands of insurance brokers, right? I mean, you can go to anybody, you want to get insurance pretty much.

Fernando Angelucci (30:48): Right.

Greg Jones (30:50): But if they are not going into that full detail and figuring out all of the things on the front end before they start quoting something with a carrier. There's a lot of things that can get missed. Right? Not actually doing the legwork to make sure are we covering the building adequately, are we running the right reports to make sure that this asset will be fully protected up to the investment level that the investor has, right? Are we including the right coverages?

Greg Jones (31:20): Are we asking for the right endorsements or add-ons right. I would say that's probably the biggest mistake because that's where you find they rush through the process, they get a quote, something happens and then there's an item that wasn't covered, and then it's up to that broker to make that right. So I would say that's probably the biggest mistake I've seen. The other is just not actually, like I was talking about before painting that picture with an underwriter, the difference that you can get for a client through that is huge. It's really, that's a way to create value for an investor when you do it that way versus just spit balling out there to any carrier you can to get a quote. And it's also a way to potentially lose the client in the long run, because you're going to get the best pricing when you paint that picture, versus you're just marketing it out to everybody and taking a shotgun approach. It's very easy for somebody that really knows what they're doing to come in and create that value drive down that cost, and then you lose the client. So.

Fernando Angelucci (32:37): One of the things that I have seen is trying to do everything yourself, as opposed to building out a team to help you with that. And you've alluded to it multiple times that you have a team around you that helps you fill these duties. What does that look like? What does your team look like? And what are they responsible for each?

Greg Jones (33:00): So on the team is built out of there's multiple advisers in my firm multiple ones of us that focus in real estate. I think one of the real advantages is the way we've built out this office is we have professionals that are focused not only within real estate, but within various aspects of real estate. So you have guys that are really focused in the multifamily space. You have guys that are focused in commercial, meaning like office retail, industrial. You have others that are focused in condominium associations, right? So it creates a wealth of knowledge that you can pull from. So let's say you're working on something that's a little bit outside of your wheelhouse. You have that resource that you can bring in to make sure that nothing's getting missed through that process, right? There's expertise there. There's also a service team that handles a lot of the transactional pieces that happen within a real estate account. So when you're going through a refinance there's documentation that the lender needs to see based on what you have on your insurance policy, you know, evidence of coverage, et cetera. We have a team that one processes, those changes provides those certificates when they're needed, helps process the day-to-day things of those transactions that you're doing on the front end behind the scenes with the carrier, so that people like myself, the advisers can really interact more with their clients and do the consulting piece.

Fernando Angelucci (34:31): Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So let's move back to say new investor, new real estate investors looking to get involved, just saw this podcast. What advice would you give them when they're looking to buy their first investment property or start their first project? Let's say maybe it's inside of a rental, It's a fix and flip property.

Greg Jones (34:57): Right. I would say as someone new that's getting into it, the, I think the most important thing you have to think about when it comes to insurance is partnering with the right broker, because a lot of people are generalists that'll say, sure, I write real estate. I also write restaurants and I write manufacturing and I'll write a trucking company and they're not ingrained into the industry. And there are, there are brokers that really specialize within an industry like myself, that's real estate. Right?

Fernando Angelucci (35:29): Right.

Greg Jones (35:30): As a new investor, there's a lot of education that comes with that first investment, that first project, even the first few. Right? And so being able to partner with someone that is part of the team with you, that can say, okay, based on what you're investing in, or the project that you're doing, these are all the things you want to consider. Right? You don't have to go with all of them, but at least you have the information and you can make an educated decision.

Fernando Angelucci (35:58): And then how about on the flip side, what advice would you give to somebody considering becoming a risk advisor or an insurance broker?

Greg Jones (36:07): I would say if you're going to become an insurance broker or an advisor. The most important thing I think you need to be able to do is specialize in an industry.

Fernando Angelucci (36:15): Okay.

Greg Jones (36:15): For the same purpose. Right? There's obviously a lot of change happening within the insurance industry, right? I mean, online rating systems are on the rise. I mean, think about your home and auto insurance. Right?

Fernando Angelucci (36:31): Right.

Greg Jones (36:32): You don't have to go through a broker to get home and auto insurance. You can go online, plug in your information, the quote will get spit right back out at you. It's turning it into very much of a commodity. Right? I think in the commercial space, there's still a lot of room to bring value to clients. Right? But the only way you bring value is if you can bring consulting and advice and you can't bring consulting and advice on 12 different industries, you have to really be able to understand how your client's business works and speak to that versus taking orders or reacting to what they're asking for when maybe what they're asking for isn't actually going to protect them the right way. And you want to be able to bring value. And that's the only way you can do it.

Fernando Angelucci (37:24): I always tell people, especially new investors for real estate investors, it's good to be a Jack of all trades and master of none. But then you surround yourself with investor or with advisors that are the opposite.

Fernando Angelucci (37:38): Exactly.

Fernando Angelucci (37:38): The advisors is a master of one thing, not a Jack of all trades.

Greg Jones (37:41): Right.

Fernando Angelucci (37:41): So, you know, I worked with you in the past. I know you, I know a lot of people that worked with you in the past, what can a real estate investor do to make themselves a good partner, a good client to you? So that is the interaction between the two is seamless. And you don't want to scream every time you see Fernando calling you on the phone.

Greg Jones (38:07):

Yeah. I would say communication is probably the biggest thing. Right? I was talking with a colleague about this a couple of years ago, and I was like, you can tell a difference between a client that views you as a vendor and a commodity. Versus a client that views you as an advisor and part of their team. Right? And the difference there is, they're bringing you into conversations about what the future looks like in advance. So I've got some clients that are really good at this, where we have quarterly meetings and we'll talk about this is what's in the pipeline. What do we need to be thinking about? Let's prepare for this in advance. They'll ask a lot of questions, and you particularly see this where if you've got an investor who's maybe changing their direction of their focus, right? So let's say I've talked to some groups recently where historically they've done a lot of work in the office and retail space.

Greg Jones (39:05): They want to launch a multifamily division. And so they'll say, okay, we're changing direction here. What do we need to be thinking about as we start looking at a different kind of investment versus what we've done in the past? With those kinds of conversations, the process is much smoother versus the I have a portfolio of office and retail and, Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you, I'm closing at noon tomorrow on a 80 unit apartment building. I need you to get this added for me, which if there was no conversation on the front end, who knows if the carrier that you're with, you could even add that location to, or you have to go and get something from scratch and you're on a you're on a deadline to do it. So I would say the communication and just having open dialogue about what's going on within the company and asking questions and keeping that line of communication open is the best thing a client can do.

Fernando Angelucci (40:03): Yeah. I mean, that makes a lot of sense with almost any advise you work with. You've got to really make sure you're, you're communicating not only often, but well in advance of when you need things to be done by a certain deadline.

Greg Jones (40:20): Right.

Fernando Angelucci (40:20): So with that being said, how can, you know, how can people reach you and what should they know, or what should they prepare before trying to contact you or reaching out to you?

Greg Jones (40:34): So I can be reached my contact info I believe is on our website www.CrumHalstad.com. I also can be reached by phone, email. I don't know if you'll have that information up later, but that's typically the easiest way to get ahold of me phone and email. As far as what to have prepared, I mean, typically I like to start just by having a conversation with, what is it you're looking for? What do you have? What's the plan? One of the things that I've tried to do that's a little bit different with clients is not just looking at what your particular need is right now, but also like what's the next 12 months look like? Right. So I was a good example of this. I was talking with an investment group that so far all of their investments have been in Chicago. Right? But over the next 12 months, they're trying to start investing in multiple States. And so, having an overview conversation around what the plan is, is really helpful because you want to set a platform that a client can grow from. Right? So as far as what they have prepared, just have a conversation and then we can kind of direct from there, what information we need.

Fernando Angelucci (41:55): Yeah. That makes sense. Come prepared, that I know you like to get involved a little bit earlier in the process and what most investors will involve you in the process. Right?

Greg Jones (42:06): Correct.

Fernando Angelucci (42:06): How many let's say I got a closing on December 30th, when should I call you?

Greg Jones (42:13): I mean, I would say as far in advance as possible but.

Fernando Angelucci (42:18): Right as you to go into contract then?

Fernando Angelucci (42:19): Yeah right as you go into contract. So it really has to do with, it's not so much what our timeline is, really. It comes down to what the carrier's timeline is, right? Because when we get that phone call that says, you know, hey, I'm closing in four or five days, there are some carriers that could be really competitive in that space, but they can't turn it around that quickly. They, because they already have so many files on their desks that they're trying to work through. They're not going to jump on the last minute one that just came in and push everything else they've been working on to the side typically. So as much in advance as you can is great. That being said, there's always options. I mean, I've done it before where I get notification two days before we put something together, it doesn't allow us time to go out to all of the options. Right? But it still allows you to provide some, right?

Fernando Angelucci (43:14): Yeah.

Greg Jones (43:14): And then you talk at that point of, okay, so what's the strategy after we move forward with this, you know, do we try to remarket it down the road at next renewal? Start the process earlier, et cetera.

Fernando Angelucci (43:27): That makes sense. Alright Greg, I really appreciate you coming on. Thank you for giving us the scoop in on Property Insurance and Risk Advisers. Everyone that is watching, they'll have a link to your contact information below as well as the website there, if with whatever you'd like to provide.

Greg Jones (43:50): Awesome

Fernando Angelucci (43:51): And thanks again, everybody for tuning in to What's The Deal, the real estate podcast that gives you answers. If you have any questions or if you have certain topics you'd like us to cover, feel free to comment below, and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. And that is our Thanksgiving edition of What's The Deal. Hope everybody has a safe and happy holiday.

#real estate #real estate investing #the storage stud #storage stud #fernando angelucci #self storage #Greg Jones

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gb-fics · 4 years ago

Text

Human Model

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: Today is Kyan Yutaka’s birthday! As you might know, he released a photobook for the occasion and since he also mentioned being interested in photography, I went with that theme ^-^ Enjoy!

All that Yutaka did for a very long time after opening the door was stare at him.

Shou regretted coming over in the first place. He had no reason to believe that Yutaka even wanted him here. He hadn’t been invited or anything.

He clenched the strap of the gift bag harder. He was holding on to it with both hands. What a stupid idea. He should have stayed home.

“Happy birthday”, he said weakly, realizing that Yutaka wasn’t going to say anything anytime soon.

“Is this a joke?”, Yutaka asked.

Shou blinked slowly.

“Dude, I know your memory is shit, but please tell me you didn’t forget about your own birthday.”

Yutaka laughed. He had a deep, calm laugh, that wasn’t loud and breathless like Shou’s. Of all the people he knew, Yutaka had the most relaxed laughter.

His face, that had been nearly expressionless before, finally lit up. He looked handsome when he laughed and a little bit surprised. Sometimes, Yutaka looked like he wasn’t even sure why he was laughing.

“No, of course, I remember my birthday”, he said. “I just wasn’t expecting you to show up here out of nowhere. We saw each other only yesterday.”

Shou shrugged defensively. He wasn’t sure why he had come here either, except that he had wanted to do something nice for Yutaka.

“Well, yeah”, he admitted. “With the show yesterday and your birthday stream tomorrow, I know you need the day to rest. But I thought spending your actual birthday all alone might be a bit depressing. There isn’t really a chance to meet with friends freely still and since we are currently touring together anyway and … I just thought you might like some company.”

Yutaka was smirking softly now and he nodded towards the gift bag in Shou’s hands.

“Did you bring cake?”

For a moment, Shou felt completely confused. Should he have brought cake? He hadn’t wanted to turn this into a big, sappy deal. At least that’s what he told himself. Truthfully, he hadn’t even considered to bring cake. He really wasn’t good at making other people feel cared for.

“Uhm, no, sorry”, he said.

Yutaka sighed theatrically.

“You really are useless”, Yutaka muttered and briefly Shou thought that he would just send him away. Like he had pointed out – Yutaka needed the rest today after all.

But instead, Yutaka stepped aside and opened the front door further.

“Now, come in already.”

Hesitantly Shou stepped into Yutaka’s apartment and took off his shoes. He knew his way around the place, but didn’t feel exactly familiar with it. They hardly ever visited each other at home.

“Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to bother you”, Shou said quietly.

Yutaka waved it off with an almost violent gesture.

“Never mind. I was indeed feeling lonely, since I can’t really meet with anyone. Even your company is better than spending my birthday all alone.”

“Very charming”, Shou mumbled as he followed Yutaka into the apartment.

“No, seriously”, Yutaka said and turned around rather suddenly. “I’m happy you came. I would have invited you, but I thought you’d be busy.”

Shou pulled up his shoulders. He didn’t know how to reply, because it felt like Yutaka was just being polite. If he had invited anyone over, Shou surely wouldn’t have been his first choice. Even among the other members, he was more likely to hang out with Kenji in private.

“Sit down”, Yutaka offered. “Can I get you anything?” He paused. “There is no birthday cake, though.”

Shou grimaced sarcastically and let himself fall onto Yutaka’s couch.

“I’m good, thanks”, he said. “And I’m sure you’ll get plenty of cake tomorrow.”

He was holding on to the gift bag on his lap constrainedly and felt pretty silly about it. He wasn’t sure he was really supposed to give Yutaka his gift. Sure, all the articles said that handing out gifts to other people was going to make you happier overall, but none of the articles had mentioned the dread Shou experienced, whenever he gave someone a present. Not being able to foresee their reaction made him uncomfortable. Gifting was pretty stressful.

“Tomorrow is tomorrow”, Yutaka scoffed and sat down next to him. “Today is my birthday.”

Shou rolled his eyes visibly.

“So greedy”, he scolded.

Yutaka nodded towards the gift bag Shou was clutching.

“Is that a birthday present for me then? Hand it over already.”

Demandingly he extended his hand.

Shou clenched the straps of the bag even tighter. Maybe Yutaka wouldn’t like the present. Or maybe it was too much and he wouldn’t know how to react. Maybe he would get the wrong idea as to why Shou had got it for him. It was better to just take it home with him again. Maybe he could get a refund.

“See, that’s what I mean”, he complained and looked at Yutaka’s extended hand accusingly. “You’re greedy.”

As nonchalantly as possible he held out the gift bag to Yutaka, pretending that he didn’t care much for his reaction anyway. He didn’t quite understand, why he always had to act that distant, pushing away the people he cared for. But then, Yutaka didn’t exactly make it easy on him. He was rude. If he made of fun of Shou for the present, it would be so much harder to endure, if he had allowed himself to be vulnerable first.

Rather hesitantly Yutaka took the bag and eyed it curiously from the outside.

“This is not one of your usual presents, is it?”, he assured. “Like drain cleaner or sockets.”

“Those were very useful presents”, Shou pointed out and crossed the arms in front of his chest. He pretended to be sulky so Yutaka wouldn’t notice that he was in fact quite nervous.

“And so cheap moreover”, Yutaka teased and finally took the box out of the bag. Shou had even went through the trouble of wrapping it. He had needed to buy wrapping paper for the first time in his life. But he had wanted to get this right, when he had already bought an expensive present like this.

“Honestly, the wrapping makes it even scarier”, Yutaka observed. For some reason, he also seemed nervous as if he desperately wanted to make sure, Shou knew he wasn’t getting his hopes up.

“Just unpack it already, for fuck’s sake”, Shou complained, but couldn’t keep his voice from betraying how tense he felt.

Without further ado Yutaka ripped open the wrapping paper and stared at the product underneath in silence. Shou had left it in the box, since it came with a manual and all sorts of equipment and he hadn’t wanted to wrap everything up separately. Moreover, it would have been pretty weird to wrap a manual like it was an actual present.

“Seriously?”, Yutaka asked. He kept his voice low.

“What?”, Shou asked aggressively. “If you don’t like it, I’ll return it.”

“No, no.” Yutaka shook his head hectically. He started opening the carton box as well. “I just won’t believe it, until I see it with my own eyes. This present is so not like you. You’re usually such a cheapskate!”

He laughed at that himself and flipped open the lid of the box.

“I bought it used”, Shou defended himself. “It’s not a new model. I wouldn’t spend that much money on you.”

He watched Yutaka’s face closely. He wasn’t paying attention to Shou at all.

Carefully he lifted the black camera out of the box. His features softened noticeable. Although he usually seemed relaxed, Shou thought that he rarely saw Yutaka looking this much at peace.

“Still”, he said without turning his eyes away from his present. “This is a really good camera. It must have cost a lot, even if you bought it used.”

“Don’t mention it”, Shou mumbled embarrassedly.

Finally, Yutaka looked up and met his eyes. He was grinning again.

“I bet you died a little inside, when you bought this”, he stated mischievously. “Did it hurt to spend all that money?”

Shou reached out and slapped Yutaka across the back of his head.

“Stop rubbing it in, jerk”, he huffed.

Yutaka chuckled to himself. Suddenly he turned serious.

“This isn’t supposed to make up for something, though, is it? Did you do something horrible that I don’t know of yet? Are you going to kick me out of the band? Did you sleep with my wife?”

Shou rolled his eyes again.

“You are not even married, Yutaka”, he pointed out.

“No”, Yutaka agreed and gave Shou a long look, that made his face feel very hot for no specific reason at all. “I’m very much not.”

“Anyway”, Shou changed the topic. His mouth felt a little dry. “It’s just that I read that getting people presents makes you happier as well. And I want to find ways to be happier, too. So, I’m trying this now.”

Yutaka ran his fingers over the camera gently.

“I think you never got me a proper present before”, he observed. “And we know each other since forever.”

“Well, honestly, you didn’t deserve it this year either”, Shou said. “And it was so expensive, that you won’t be getting anything for the next years.”

“I just didn’t think …” Yutaka broke off. “You know I’m interested in photography. I just didn’t expect you to support me.”

Shou didn’t know how to reply right away. Yutaka had spoken softly. Shou felt sorry to think that Yutaka would ever not feel supported by him in anything he tried. After all, Shou always went to see all of his plays, too, although in his opinion Yutaka looked a little misplaced on stage. For some reason, Yutaka seemed to get paired up only with ridiculously tall actors.

“I’ve always supported your artistic efforts, you know that”, Shou scolded him softly.

“Like when?”, Yutaka asked doubtfully.

“Like when I let you be in my band, although you sucked at guitar”, Shou countered.

Yutaka laughed again. He lifted the camera to his eyes now, focusing on the coffee table and started playing around with the settings. Shou would have recommended him to read the manual first, but then he knew that the advice would be wasted on Yutaka. He wasn’t the type for reading a manual first.

“It’s still our band”, Yutaka corrected him lightly and started taking pictures of the table, shifting his position on the couch to try out different angles. Shou had to pull up his legs to make way for him.

“And you still suck at guitar”, Shou replied.

Yutaka grinned, but didn’t come up with a snarky remark. Instead, he went to adjusting the settings of his new camera again.

Shou couldn��t help smiling while he watched him. Maybe making gifts did cause happiness. Yutaka seemed so happy and excited trying out the camera, that Shou felt all warm inside. Surely that was because of the knowledge, that he had caused someone else happiness, and not because of how pretty Yutaka looked, when he was happy and lost in thoughts.

Now Yutaka lowered the camera and ran his fingertips across it again gently. It looked like he was caressing it.

“You want to be alone for a bit?”, Shou joked, but he tensed up the moment the words were out. He had come here to give Yutaka his present. He had done that now. It was possible, that Yutaka would expect him to leave. He didn’t really have any reason for staying. He didn’t want to be a nuisance nor appear clingy in any way. But he also didn’t want to leave so soon.

“No way, you can’t leave”, Yutaka exclaimed and turned towards him. He lifted the camera to his eyes again. “I need a human model.”

“Don’t do that”, Shou protested and held up his palm to cover the camera lens while turning his face away. “I don’t want my pictures taken.”

“Oh, come on”, Yutaka begged. “You’re the only one around. And I really want to practice on a person. You can’t just give me half a present. You need to let me try it out properly, too!”

Shou winced and lifted his hand to his face to cover it. Yutaka knew perfectly well, why he didn’t want his pictures to be taken right now, but he felt embarrassed to say it out loud.

“Please, I’m not wearing any makeup. It makes me uncomfortable.”

“It’s just for practice”, Yutaka insisted. “They’ll never be published anywhere.”

“I’m ugly”, Shou blurted out, annoyed at himself for sounding so angry. He hadn’t meant to turn it into a big deal.

“Just a few pictures”, Yutaka said. His voice was gentler than before, but of course it had been stupid of Shou to hope for some kind of reassurance. “I just want to practice on the living object. And even without makeup you still look …” He broke off.

“… human?”, Shou finished for him dryly.

Yutaka looked down, fiddling with the camera, but Shou noticed that he didn’t actually change any settings.

“I was meaning to say ‘cute’, but whatever”, he muttered.

Shou felt his cheeks heating up, although it was silly of course. Yutaka was probably just making fun of him.

“Because actually”, Yutaka added and looked up again challengingly. “I’m not so sure about the human part. Without makeup you look more like a fish.”

Shou made a face at him. He felt a little hurt by the comment, but oddly relieved at the same time. He didn’t like being called ugly, but at least that was a version of Yutaka he knew how to deal with. He had no idea how to react to compliments, if he didn’t know how they were meant in the first place.

“Alright then”, he agreed. “Take some snap shots, so I can make fun of your lack of skill.”

He turned to face Yutaka and looked at him provokingly. When Yutaka lifted the camera, he felt nervous anyway. To take good pictures, Yutaka had to look at him closely. Shou wished he could hide his face somewhere or maybe get a new one. He was pretty sure, that he was blushing slightly, but he only put on a grimmer expression to compensate for that. He didn’t want to seem vulnerable.

Yutaka took a picture and then checked on the small display. He flicked his tongue in disapproval, then he looked around the room.

“The light in here is shitty around this time of day. It’s better in the bedroom now. Can we try there?”

Shou noticed that he sounded somewhat insecure when he asked the question. Usually, it would have been more like Yutaka to just announce the decision already. But a part of him seemed hesitant about inviting Shou for a photoshoot in his bedroom too directly. He obviously didn’t want Shou to get the wrong idea. Though Shou had no idea what the wrong idea might be. Why would he think anything funny about Yutaka wanting to take pictures of him in his bedroom? Any irritated thought would imply the possibility of something sexual happening between them. That would be a weird thought, so obviously, Shou didn’t think it. He thought taking photos in Yutaka’s bedroom was a completely normal request. The light there was better around this time of day. That was all.

“Fine”, he said and got up a bit too fast. He wanted to prove he didn’t get any funny ideas about Yutaka’s suggestion and that to him, it felt completely normal and didn’t make him nervous at all. He tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry.

“Alright”, Yutaka agreed and got up as well. He still seemed hesitant for another moment, then he led the way to the bedroom.

Hurriedly, he tore the blanket and the pillow off the bed, dropping them to the floor carelessly. Shou would have liked to scold him, but then it was Yutaka’s place. His motions were frantic and somehow it looked as if he tried to get rid of evidence. Seemingly, he wanted to make Shou forget that his bed was indeed a bed.

“Please, sit down”, he gestured. “I guess it’s weird when you are just standing.”

Shou sat down at the edge of the bed.

“What do I do now?”, he asked. He didn’t know if he was supposed to get further onto the bed. He didn’t exactly want to sprawl out on Yutaka’s bed and invite him to take pictures. It would make him feel like a pervert, even if he was fully dressed. And then, he wouldn’t know how to look sexy anyway. Better just pretend the bed was a chair.

“Just relax. You don’t have to pose. Sit naturally.”

Shou remained sitting on the bed, not knowing where to put his hands. He rested them on his thighs.

“Okay, not like that”, Yutaka corrected himself. “Your natural position just looks miserable. Can you try to straighten up at least?”

Shou realized that instinctively, he had sat even more hunched than usual to make himself as small as possible. His usual body posture was pretty bad already.

He tried to sit up straight. He still didn’t know what to do with his hands.

Yutaka knelt down on the floor, trying different angles on him without pressing the shutter button yet. Shou didn’t know where to look.

“This is weird”, Yutaka observed and chuckled. “Can you get on the bed properly? You’re too far from the wall and casting weird shadows.”

Shou sighed.

“I think you’re just making that stuff up”, he complained. “You don’t actually know what you are doing anyway.”

But he did shuffle back on the bed until his back was almost resting against the white wall that framed the side of Yutaka’s bed.

Yutaka lifted the camera again and propped one of his knees up on the bed.

“Better”, he concluded.

Involuntarily Shou reached up to fix his hair, although he couldn’t even see what it looked like right now.

“Leave it, it’s fine”, Yutaka said. “Look at me.”

Shou looked into the camera and heard the clicking of the shutter. He felt strangely embarrassed, knowing that this picture of him would now be able to exist forever. It was weird that he thought about that now, when he had his photos taken often enough for work. It felt different, when Yutaka was the one behind the camera, though. It felt more personal, like those photos weren’t just capturing his persona, but a part of him he liked to keep hidden. Maybe, there would be too much longing in his eyes.

“Great, turn your head to the left. Yes, just like that. No, too far. Now, look down just a little.”

Shou lowered his gaze.

He had expected Yutaka to sound gleeful while bossing him around. But he didn’t sound like he was enjoying to give out orders, but matter-of-factly, as if he was too caught up in the act of photographing to pay attention to anything else. Seeing him act so professional was actually quite sexy.

“Ah, the light here is great”, Yutaka observed and climbed onto the bed completely to get Shou from another angle as well.

Shou felt overly conscious of his own body. He didn’t know where to put his arms or his legs or how to hold his head in a natural way. He had completely forgotten how he managed to operate his body on a daily basis. It didn’t help, that he was very aware of Yutaka watching him. Yutaka of all people. Shou wanted to look good for him, for the camera. But he didn’t even manage to look natural.

“Lean back”, Yutaka ordered. “Put your weight on your left arm more. Now, tilt back your head slightly.”

Shou was glad for receiving clear instructions. At least, he didn’t have to wonder what to do with his body, when Yutaka asked him for specific poses.

“Look at me”, Yutaka asked. “You keep looking away.”

Hesitantly Shou looked into the camera.

Yutaka shuffled closer. Shou didn’t understand why that made him nervous. There was still the camera between them.

Yutaka lowered the camera and checked the last photos on the display. Shou studied his face closely, trying to read his expression. He would have liked to know if Yutaka was pleased with the way he looked or if Shou’s looks did disappoint him in the end.

“And?”, Shou asked impatiently. “How ugly did you make me look?”

Yutaka shrugged without replying and started fumbling with the settings of his camera again.

“Oi!”, Shou scoffed. “Aren’t you supposed to say something reassuring, if you want me to keep modelling? At least say something.” He was angry at himself for sounding pleading.

Yutaka looked up shortly and his expression was surprisingly serious.

“I could make a joke to brush it off, but it would probably hurt you”, Yutaka said calmly. “And if I made you a compliment, you wouldn’t believe me. You’d be uncomfortable either way.”

Shou’s face burned with heat. It wasn’t just embarrassment but something more primal he felt. He felt ashamed, because he knew that Yutaka was right. He craved compliments so badly, but even when he received them, he never believed them anyway, because he felt ugly deep down regardless. He wished Yutaka had just made a joke.

“I’m sorry”, Yutaka added.

Shou exhaled shakily.

“It’s alright”, he confessed. “You’ve got a point after all.”

“They look good, I think”, Yutaka said. He still didn’t look up. Shou watched him fumbling with the camera for another moment. The thought that Yutaka liked the pictures made him feel a little better.

“Okay, now pose like it’s for work. Show me your cool side”, Yutaka suggested. His voice was light as if he tried to make up for his seriousness before.

Shou tried to put on a serious expression.

“You mean you want me to pose like it’s for the fans?”, he asked.

“No, I want more effort than that!”, Yutaka shouted and held up the camera again. “Pose like you’re getting paid for it!”

Shou burst out laughing. The shutter clicked soundly.

“Oi!”, he protested, still laughing. “I wasn’t ready yet!”

Yutaka took another picture, sticking out his tongue at Shou, which looked pretty stupid behind the camera hiding most of his face.

“Penis!”, Yutaka said without context.

Shou tried to roll his eyes, but he kept laughing anyway.

“You are stupid”, he scolded. It was obvious, that Yutaka had tried to catch him off guard for the pictures. Shou assumed they would turn out blurry and useless. He felt giddy nonetheless. Taking pictures like this was more fun than not knowing what to do with his hands at least.

“Hey”, Yutaka said suddenly and lowered the camera. “Stay like this, wait.”

He leaned in and brushed Shou’s hair back on the left side, tucking it behind his ear carefully. His fingers crazed his cheek lightly. The intimate gesture came so unexpectedly, that it caused Shou’s heart to outright skip a beat.

“I’ve always thought you look sexy like this”, Yutaka explained. His voice was too light to sound flirty, but the comment made Shou feel very tense from one moment to the next. His normal reaction would have been to scold Yutaka for the remark, but he didn’t want to prove him right by showing that he was indeed unable to accept compliments. Instead, he stayed silent.

Yutaka leaned back to study his face more closely. Shou didn’t dare to move, because Yutaka had told him to hold the position, but also because he wouldn’t have known what to do or where to look otherwise at all.

“Could you …?” Now Yutaka’s voice cracked and Shou thought that he suddenly seemed nervous as well. “Could you bite your lips for me? I mean, so they’ll turn pink. It will look nicer on the photos.”

Shou hesitated, feeling embarrassed. He wished Yutaka wouldn’t stare at his lips so openly. He bit down on his lower lip and smacked his lips self-consciously. Yutaka was still staring. For a moment, he seemed so absent-minded that Shou was convinced he had forgotten about the photo shooting entirely.

Finally, Yutaka cleared his throat.

“Good. I mean, uh, good”, he stuttered and clenched the camera tighter as he lifted it to his eyes. It seemed to help him calm down.

“Your lips are gorgeous. It would be a shame to not bring them out properly”, he added as an explanation.

Very briefly, Shou wondered why Yutaka didn’t just kiss him.

“Just take your stupid pictures already”, he muttered, trying to keep as still as possible. “I can’t sit still forever.”

“Don’t be such a baby”, Yutaka scolded, but did take another picture. “Look at me.”

Shou moved only his eyes. He didn’t know when this had turned so sensual. He was very aware of Yutaka’s eyes all over him. His face, his lips, his neckline. He wondered, what Yutaka thought about while looking at him like this. The possibilities made it difficult for him to swallow. Hopefully, they would be done soon. This couldn’t get any worse. The room was oddly hot, too. Shou wished they could open a window.

“Lay down”, Yutaka said.

“What?” Shou’s voice came out quieter than he had intended. He sounded insecure.

Yutaka got up, so he was now standing on the bed. He waved for Shou to move.

“Come on, I want to get some different positions. Just get down on your back.”

Shou hesitated, but then Yutaka was just standing on the bed, which wasn’t a position that screamed of sexual tension exactly. He seemed rather impatient with Shou, too. He probably wasn’t thinking anything of it at all.

Shou followed his instruction and lay down on his back, propping himself up on one arm slightly.

“Yes, give me that soft, just-woken-up look”, Yutaka said.

Shou reached up and ran his hand through his hair, leaving it behind tousled.

“Great”, Yutaka confirmed and took pictures. He was standing over Shou, one foot at each side of his hips. It was a somewhat ridiculous position.

“Can you put your arm over your head?”

Shou sunk back onto the sheets completely and raised his arm over his head. The position was making him feel vulnerable, because it didn’t allow him to shield his body with his arm anymore.

Yutaka leaned forward and for a moment, Shou worried, that he would just fall over while taking pictures. Judging by the lines around his mouth, he was pretty focused.

“Better do a close-up”, Yutaka announced and without warning he sat down.

Shou’s breath sounded shaky in his own ears.

Yutaka was straddling him and although he used his legs to support himself, Shou could sense the weight of his body against his abdomen clearly. Yutaka’s body was so warm, that he grew even hotter instantly.

“What are you doing?”, he protested weakly.

“What? It’s a good position for getting your face”, Yutaka defended himself.

“I’ve been at a lot of photoshoots before”, Shou pointed out. “And you’re the first photographer to ever straddle me.”

“Well, they have no idea what they were missing”, Yutaka joked. He shifted his weight, so he was practically rubbing his butt against Shou. Shou very much wished he wouldn’t do that. It made him break into a cold sweat.

“Look here”, Yutaka ordered and pressed the camera to his eyes. After a second, he lowered it again. “And maybe try to look seductive. And less paralyzed by fear. Right now, you look like you’re about to get eaten by a shark.”

Shou tried to even out his breath. So, Yutaka could tell.

Bravely he tried to meet the eye of the camera.

“Come on”, Yutaka said. “You still seem scared. Look at me like I’m your girlfriend.”

At least, the suggestion made Shou laugh. With Yutaka sitting on top of him, it was hard to move.

“To be fair, this is pretty much exactly how I would look at you, if you were my girlfriend”, he pointed out.

Yutaka grinned and lifted the camera again.

“Right”, he said. “I forgot, you’re scared of girls, too. Look at me like I’m a sandwich maker then.”

“Yutaka”, Shou protested, but had to laugh in spite of himself. He looked up at Yutaka affectionately. He always had to be such an idiot.

“Right, that’s it”, Yutaka confirmed and quickly took a picture.

Shou made a face, which unfortunately didn’t stop Yutaka from taking more pictures. Shou bared his teeth.

Yutaka was laughing at his silly faces, but finally lowered the camera.

“Alright, now I need you to take off your shirt”, he announced.

“What?”, Shou asked, too baffled to develop any complicated feelings about the request. “I’m surely not taking off my shirt.”

“It’s necessary”, Yutaka declared in a dramatic manner. “The rest of your clothes have to go, too, that would be better. You see, the light and the camera reflexes work differently on the human skin and I just need to practice getting that right. So, for the sake of art, it’s not debatable. You have to get naked.”

“You’re so full of shit”, Shou said and laughed, nudging Yutaka’s thigh. Usually, he might have felt uncomfortable about the suggestion, but Yutaka put on such a show, that it was obvious he was joking. “Camera reflexes, my ass. I won’t let you take my nudes. You have to ask Kenji for that.”

Yutaka chuckled gently.

“Okay, okay”, he agreed. “But I just had to try.”

He said it like Shou was supposed to know what he meant by that. Had he just had to take his chance to tease Shou? Or was he implying, that he just had to try to get Shou naked in his bed? And if so, why was he acting, like Shou should know about that?

Shou cleared his throat and nudged Yutaka’s leg harder now.

“Anyway, get off me already”, he huffed. “Let me check, if the pictures you took are even any good.”

Yutaka sighed quietly, but climbed off Shou. He sat down and checked the last pictures he had taken, while Shou scrambled into a sitting position.

“Here”, Yutaka said and held the camera out to Shou.

Shou took it and regretted breaking the tension between them. If he had just been a little braver, things might have turned out differently.

But luckily, Yutaka had the ability to stay pretty unbothered by Shou’s constant attempts of pulling away. He crawled closer and sat down behind Shou. He had his legs spread, so one was stretched out behind Shou, while he was kneeling on the other one in a way, that allowed him to look over Shou’s shoulder. He could easily have placed his chin on Shou’s shoulder as well, but he kept his distance. If Shou had leaned back just a little, Yutaka could have wrapped his arms around his waist and held him from behind.

Shou tried to focus on the small display in his hands and not on the warmth of Yutaka’s body behind him.

The first pictures made him wince. Those were the ones Yutaka had taken of him while making faces just now. The worst thing wasn’t the weird faces, though, although all the wrinkles and teeth sure weren’t flattering. It was the fact, that his cheeks looked so red and he was clearly flushed. Even on the pictures Shou could see how much Yutaka’s physical closeness had unsettled him. And it wasn’t the sexy kind of unsettlement. He looked weird and embarrassed.

“God, these pictures are ugly”, Shou said and flicked his tongue. “You suck at photography, too, it seems.”

“It’s the fault of the model”, Yutaka defended himself and laughed. “Even a good photographer can only do so much with a face like that.”

“Jerk”, Shou said.

Yutaka didn’t reply.

Shou kept clicking through the photos.

Yutaka leaned in closer and tilted his head, so he could rest his cheek against Shou’s shoulder. The gesture was definitely too intimate to be entirely casual. Shou stared down on the camera.

They were done with the goofy, flushed pictures now and reached the ones, that Yutaka had taken with his hair tucked back behind his ear.

Shou stopped at one of the photos. The light was falling in on his face nicely, his eyes were cast down. His features looked serious yet soft, and the angle made his face look more contoured than usual. It didn’t look exactly like the pictures they took at photo shootings, because he wasn’t wearing makeup and his hair was just falling down casually, but it still wasn’t too bad.

“I look pretty nice here”, Shou observed surprised. He could almost make himself believe, that it was the picture of someone else, and if it had been a stranger, Shou would have considered him to be reasonably handsome at least.

“You do”, Yutaka confirmed.

Shou stayed silent and stared down on the picture some more. He didn’t feel ready to let this one go and look at more ugly pictures of himself.

“But, here”, Yutaka said gently and lifted his head off Shou’s shoulder. To his surprise, Shou realized he missed its weight. It had felt oddly comforting.

Yutaka reached around him and pushed Shou’s thumb off the button. Shou was still holding the camera in place, though, so Yutaka’s hand was more or less cupping his own. His palm felt warm against the back of Shou’s hand.

“This is my favourite one”, Yutaka added and clicked through the photos quickly, until he stopped at one.

Critically Shou looked down onto the picture. Yutaka did not pull back his hand. Shou assumed he could have pulled back his hand himself, since he was still holding the camera with the other one. But he didn’t want to break the touch either.

The photo Yutaka had wanted to show him wasn’t the worst one Shou had ever seen of himself, but it also wasn’t the best. It was one of the pictures, on which he was laughing, because Yutaka had horsed around. The light fell onto his face nicely here, too, and his hair looked soft and fluffy. But he was had his mouth open and his teeth were showing and weird wrinkles lined the corner of his eyes. He looked happy, but Shou preferred the handsome stranger nonetheless.

“It looks very much like …” He hesitated. “Well, like me.”

“Yeah”, Yutaka agreed. He didn’t say anything else.

Shou kept looking down on the picture.

“Well, I assume it’s not so bad”, he finally concluded.

Yutaka put his cheek back against Shou’s shoulder and his hand snug up to Shou’s waist from behind. He was touching him very lightly, his other hand still cupping Shou’s as they both held on to the camera. It felt as if he was getting the softest hug with most of their bodies not touching at all, but it would only take a slight shift to make Shou sink back into Yutaka’s arms.

Obviously, Yutaka was waiting, if he would pull back. Shou did not move at all.

“I’m sorry about earlier”, Yutaka said quietly.

Shou had no idea what he was talking about.

“I shouldn’t have been so rude, when I opened the present. I made fun of you, instead of telling you how happy it made me.”

“It’s fine”, Shou said and lowered the camera onto his lap. “I’m used to your ungrateful ass.”

“I was just insecure”, Yutaka owned up softly. “Because I didn’t know if it was just a camera, or a camera, with which you wanted to tell me something more. I didn’t want to give the wrong reaction.”

Shou could hear the question in Yutaka’s voice, that he hadn’t outright asked yet.

Very quietly Shou sighed. It was something he had thought about before, of course.

“It’s just a camera”, he said.

Yutaka sat up straight, so his head was no longer resting against Shou. He pulled his hand back from Shou’s waist, too. The touch had been so light in the first place, that it was hard to even tell the difference.

Before he could let go of Shou’s hand as well, Shou grabbed his wrist to hold him back.

“No, wait, let me explain.”

Yutaka froze up. He didn’t try to pull his hand away, but he also didn’t lean back in.

“It’s just a camera, so it doesn’t come with any obligations. I just wanted to make you happy. No ulterior motive. That doesn’t mean you’re mistaken about the other thing, though. They are just, you know, two separate issues.”

Shou let go of Yutaka’s wrist to lift two fingers into the air illustrating. It was important to him, that Yutaka understood the difference. He hadn’t been meaning to bribe him or trick him into feeling anything for him. If the feelings already existed in the first place, though, Shou wasn’t going to reject them.

He sensed Yutaka relaxing next to him. The tension just seemed to vanish from his body and his touch felt softer again.

“So, it’s just a camera for a friend and you didn’t mean to tell me anything more with it?”, Yutaka asked.

“Yes”, Shou confirmed.

“But you also wouldn’t mind, if I …”

“Yes”, Shou interrupted him hastily to end Yutaka’s wondering as soon as possible. Then he realized that this might have been the wrong answer, depending on the question. “I mean, no.” He laughed nervously. “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Yutaka chuckled and put his chin back on Shou’s shoulder.

“What I meant was … Could I convince you to take off your clothes for me in the future, if I promised not to take photos?”

“Well, either you promise not to take photos, or you let me do my makeup first”, Shou replied and Yutaka laughed his deep, calm laughter.

He wrapped his arms around Shou’s waist, just like Shou had imagined he would, and pulled him into a tight embrace. He buried his face against his neck from behind and inhaled as deeply as if he wanted to breathe Shou in.

“You are a hopeless pervert”, he mumbled and his voice came out muffled. Shou sensed his warm breath against his neck.

He had expected his heart to race, if Yutaka actually held him this tightly, but instead he finally felt completely at ease. It seemed that giving out gifts did make you happy after all.

“Now, put the camera aside”, Yutaka said and lifted his head without letting go of Shou with his arms. “I don’t want it to get damaged.”

Now Shou’s heartbeat did quicken at the prospect of what Yutaka might have in store for him, that could possibly damage the camera.

Shou lifted it off his lap slowly, holding it in his hands.

“Why? What are you going to do?”, he asked. He sounded breathless.

“Well, idiot, isn’t that obvious?”, Yutaka whispered into his ear. “I’m going to kiss you.”

#Golden Bomber #Kiryuuin Shou #Kyan Yutaka #kirikyan #fanfiction #fanfic

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