#“What’d you do to Batman?!?”

[starry-songs-canvas]

Danny’s Wild Ride

Another week, another prompt.

Batman was out investigating a new weapon energy source while the rest of the Batfam was fighting those smuggling said weapons into Gotham. He took the Batmobile, which hadn’t been moving for the last few hours, and is now racing around the surrounding mountains, like a bat out of hell.

So they call the Batmobile. And instead of Batman, they see an bat-doption bait driving the Batmobile. With explosions going off in the background. And Batman with a bleeding head slumped in the passenger seat.

[wonderjanga]

Cults Galore

Cults. If the JL had a nickel for every cult dedicated to Marvel they’ve found, they’d have two nickels. Don’t get them wrong, it’s not a lot, but it’s still concerning.

Aquaman, Green Lantern, and Marvel were sent to an alien planet. They needed to establish peaceful contact with the people there. That was the goal. So why? Why in the Gods’ names are the people here all tatted up with lightning bolts suspiciously similar to Marvel’s. Why are they calling Marvel Thavma? And most importantly, why are the three being lead to some type of shrine?

Hal: “Hey uh… I’m sorry to ask, but what does this shrine you told us about have to do with the treaty you need to sign?”

Alien Leader: “They are sacred grounds.”

Hal: “Okay…?”

Alien Leader: *continued to lead them until they came upon a bunch of people petrified into stone. The people were placed in a circle, in the middle was a grand shrine*

Aquaman: “What’s with all the statues?”

Alien Leader: “Statues- ah yes. The statues.” *looks to Marvel* “We’ve all kept them preserved just for you. Just in case that of off chance you decided to grace us with your presence again. And would you look at that? It paid off.”

Marvel: *awkwardly smiles at the Alien leader*

Alien Leader: *looks back ahead*

Marvel: *elbows Aquaman and starts speak in Atlantean* “This guy’s creepy.”

Aquaman: *responds in Atlantean* “I know.”

Hal: “What’d you guys say?”

Marvel: *switches back to English* “We’ll tell you when we get back to the ship.”

*awkward silence of following the Alien Leader*

Aquaman: “So… The statues. You make em or something?”

Alien Leader: “No no no. They’re all soldiers of the people who used to oppress our kind. They were petrified by our very lord themself during the uprising.” *looks over to Marvel* “Do tell me you remember?”

Marvel: *searches though memories and finds out a previous champion had done all of this* “I do.” *looks literally anywhere but Hal and Arthur*

Hal and Aquaman: *immediately share a look*

Later…

Marvel, Hal, and Arthur: *all at a burger joint eating in civvies*

Arthur: “I don’t get it. How do you just fail to mention that you petrified an entire army?”

Marvel: *shrugs* “I kinda forgot.”

Hal: “How do you just forget that? Also, you guys never told me about what you guys were saying. Are you guys gonna spill the beans now or what?”

Marvel: “What are you talking about?”

Hal: “When you elbowed Arthur?”

Marvel: “Ohhhh that.”

Arthur: “We were just talking about how the guy was creepy.”

Hal: *nods head* “True dat. True dat.”

Then there was the second cult. This one’s human though, don’t worry. This cult was found by Marvel, Batman and Robin.

Marvel: “I thought you just said this was just a cult. Not a cult for me.” *looking around at the various tapestries with his lightning bolt symbol*

Robin!Damian: “What makes you think it’s for you?”

Marvel: *gestures to the lightning bolt on his chest, then to the other lightning bolts on the decor of the place*

Batman: “They were worshiping someone named Keraunos.”

Robin!Damian: “And unless your name is Keraunos, it’s not for you.”

Marvel: “I’ll have you know it’s actually one of my names.” *walks until he stops in front of a fountain*

Robin: “You can’t be serious. Why would they worship you of all people? There’s hardly anything of value to worship in the first place.” *follows after him and stops near the fountain too*

Marvel: “Should I be offended by that?” *looks down at the water* “Geez, were they drinking electricity charged water? Normal humans cannot do that.”

Batman: *also walks over and kneels down slightly to read a plaque* “This plaque says the water was blessed by you.”

Marvel: “Uuuhhhh… No it isn’t.” *sticks a finger into the water* “This is just normal electricity.”

Robin: *tries to stick his own finger in*

Batman: *swats Damian’s hand away* “Regardless, what’s causing the electricity?”

Marvel: *puts some of his own lightning into the water*

Batman, Robin, Marvel: *hear something short fuse and look to see something off to the side smoking*

Marvel: “Probably that.”

[not-my-final-account]

I’VE FALLEN DOWN THE RABIT HOLE OF DANNY PHANTOM AND NOW I CAN’T ESCAPE

Once the Justice League was losing. It was the end of the world. No seriously, the world was an hour away from being blown to bits.

-

Constantine sighed and rubbed his face, he had just ran out of cigarettes and it was making him more jumpy than was truely necessary in any given situation. Him and most of the bigger heros in the Justice League sat in a cave and were forced to wait out the apocalypse, well, the hour left of it anyways.

Constantine sighed and looked up to what you could see of the sky from inside their cave, he was almost… afraid. Afraid of what was going to happen, afraid that it had come to this, afraid that the rumours were true or even worse than they seemed, Pariah Dark was not known for caring nor his mercy.

Honestly Constantine was going to consider it lucky if he died and got to rest in peace, even more lucky if the world actually got saved! This was a last ditch effort.

Constantine grabbed a piece of chalk from his pocket, it was worn from years of carrying it around. He settled it on the flattest piece of stone he could find and started drawing the circle he had memorised. “John what are you doing?” Wonder Woman asked, he ignored her and took a deep breathe

“Oh dark king of the ghosts.” he prayed, there were truely only a few necessary words but Constantine felt like he needed to add a message, so he kept speaking as he drew the intricate patterns of the circle “My world may be of no importance to you, but I am willing to make a deal to save it. Please accept my summon, please be merciful, please save earth, please K I N G O F T H E G H O S T S.” Constantine begged, Wonder Woman and most of the others sat up or got more defensive, it truely said something that Batman didn’t bother.

-

Danny Phantom sat playing DOOM with Sam and Tucker, cheering when we got to a higher level. Suddenly something tugged at his core and a voice whispered through his ears

…oh dark king of the ghosts. My world may be of no importance to you, but I am willing to make a deal to save it. Please accept my summon, please be merciful, please save earth, please…

“-anny? Danny?” Sam asked “Hello?” she said in a sing song voice

“Still with us Danny?” Tucker asked, Danny swallowed,

“I- I’ve got to go.” he said

-

Constantine sat on his knees in front of the circle and… nothing happened, Superman glanced at him and started to sit back down when suddenly the stone inside the circle fell away into a green spiral.

Superman gasped and jumped back up

“Don’t attack him, bow.” Constantine instructed, reluctantly Superman and everyone else did, except for Batman of course, what’d you expect? Him to change? Just because the world was ending?

A pale hand reached up from the circle and grabbed the edge; whoever was in the circle pulled themself up slowly and as they came closer to the mortal realm Superman got a sense of dread, of death, of… something else, of authority, and everyone in the room seemed to find themselves bowing lower. Superman couldn’t help but think, had Constantine double-doomed the world?

-

Constantine looked up as the figure hovered above the circle, he was the first to move from his bow. This… wasn’t what Constantine expected Pariah Dark to look like, he was still imposing but didn’t fit the ghost kings reputation.

He had a cape as dark as the shadows with glowing constellations and stories sown into the fabric. He had a crown that burned with green fire and floated above his head, his eyes glowed the same green as the crown and his hand had a single ring. He wore royal looking clothes, white boots and gloves with a black shirt and pants.

This was the ghost king “Pariah Dark, King of Ghosts. I am Constantine-”

“Pariah Dark? I dethroned him years ago! I’m Danny Phantom.” the ghost king introduced.

“I meant no disrespect your highness.” Constantine quickly said

“I don’t- never mind. You asked for me to save earth?” King Phantom asked, Constantine gulped

“Y-yes, we can’t win, please, I- I’ll do anything.” he begged,

“A favour.” King Phantom said

“What?” Constantine asked

“A favour, I’ll save your world for a favour from you and your friends.” King Phantom said.

A favour to a ghost king who was probably very evil, that is so stupid and such a horrible idea, who in their right mind would-

“Deal.” Constantine agreed.

There was a flash of bright light and King Phantom disappeared, after a few seconds of him being gone the sounds of a battle echoed through the cave.

“Constantine what did you just rope us into?” Batman asked. Constantine really, really needed a cigarette.

-

Years ago, the world was ending. In a last ditch effort Constantine summoned… something. Superman didn’t know much about the ghost king that had appeared, just that he was powerful, and that the better half of the Justice League owed him a favour. It had been on everyone’s minds for a few months after that deal, waiting for the day they would be called for something horrific and hoping it wouldn’t ruin them or their morals. But truthfully, after a few years everyone sorta forgot about it; it was the type of thing no one remembered unless the subject at hand related to it, and even then you were uneasy for a day and forgot all over again.

So when a scroll appeared in a flash of green light during a meeting one day, Superman would like to say that the freaking out was justified.

Batman (who seemed to adopt everyone he met in one way or another) shushed the group of panicking superhero’s and picked up the scroll “I am calling in your favour, when you finish reading this you will all be teleported to my aid. Signed, Phantom.” Batman read. Oh no.

In another flash of green light they appeared in a park with a few heros who hadn’t even been in the room. Everyone immediately put up their defences and raised various weapons, then they realised the park was empty. Superman looked around using X-ray vision, he had no clue what was going on in the seemingly peaceful that could make a ghost king ask for help, then he looked through a hill and saw a giant green dog running with two kids gripping it’s lead.

As the dog jumped on top of then off the hill and ran in front of them Superman could make out the words in their screams

“Sit boy, sit!” the Batman looking one called

“I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! NO OFFENCE DANNNYYYY!!!” the one with devices falling out of his bag and pockets yelled.

Everyone lowered their weapons and Flash relaxed and scoffed

“This is what that ghost guy called us in for? This is going to be a breeze!” Flash said happily

“Don’t judge a book by its cover Flash.” Constantine warned. Superman was about to agree with flash when the ghost king suddenly appeared in the air in front of us, dripping in something green which looked alarmingly like blood- oh god the ghost king was dying!? Re-dying?!

“Forget I said anything,” Flash raised his hands in the air and got ignored as we rushed over to the ghost king who had fallen out of the air and onto the ground.

Before anyone could do anything though another person appeared out of thin air and then floated down

“Join me Daniel! Together we could rule the world!” he asked, okay that was an evil guy if Superman had ever seen one, he even had the looks to go with it, you could mistake him as Dracula … was that Dracula?

Suddenly another guy who looked like the ghost king body slammed Dracula from the air

“I WILL RULE THE WORLD AND ME ALONE!” as he stood up Superman noticed he looked just like the ghost king only older and more evil looking. As if the mention of look-a-likes summoned her, a small girl who also looked just like the ghost king only younger and female body slammed evil twin number 1.

“Not on my watch you fruitloop!” she yelled. Suddenly a woman in a track suit with ridiculous looking googles and carrying an oversized gun jumped down

“Get away you evil ghosts!” she yelled and fired some energy weapon at the small group, they all scattered and the four of them fought when some girl on a hover board swooped in and pointed her hand at the ghost king

“Danny Phantom! You and all of ghost kind will pay!!” she yelled, something on her wrist started glowing when

“GET AWAY FROM DANNY!” a school girl yelled. Her orange hair swung around as she discus threw her books and bag right into the girls face. They also ran off into the distance to fight.

“What?” Flash asked,

“When he said.” Green Lantern agreed.

“The Dracula looking one is Vlad, he’s a bad guy, so is my evil self from an alternate timeline, we call him Dan, Dani is the small girl who looks like me, that’s because she’s my clone, she’s on the good side but she might steal your stuff just because she can so be careful,” he took a wheezy breath “My sister Jazz is the one who hurled her books into the air to protect me, she’s good. The girl in the red suit is Red Huntress, she’s good she just doesn’t understand -same with my parents, the couple in the jumpsuits, their ghost hunters.” the ghost king explained

“Wait, your parents are ghost hunters?” Flash asked

“Yeah?” the ghost king asked- oh I see.

“But you’re a ghost?” Flash said

“I’m technically a halfa actually, but trust me I know. It’s all ‘we’re going to tear apart the ghost boy molecule by molecule’ and never ‘is the ghost boy good or bad’.” the ghost king groaned, I reached out to help “I’ll be fine go fight or help!” he said

[eggplantwaffles]

Since Steph and Kara became friends during Steph’s Batgirl run and post all her critical character development and casually horrifying pre Batgirl life, I imagine Steph accidentally lore dumps crazy shit in conversation:

———

Kara: Holy shit, are you okay?!

Steph (holding her certainty broken arm): Eh- hurts less than giving birth.

Kara: I guess?

Steph: Although, I think my baby had an unusually large head.

Kara: Oh… wait, what?!

———

Steph: You can stay with me few days, just don’t use my shampoo.

Kara: That’s the only rule?

Steph: Yeah, I had to start hiding it when my Dad let Ed Nygma and his goons stay over.

Kara: …The Riddler stole your shampoo?

———

Kara: You have to have hobbies outside of crime fighting.

Steph: I liked gymnastics in high school.

Kara: Okay, that’s something!

Steph: I quit cause I found out my coach was dealing drugs to kids.

Kara: Oh.

Steph: I also played piano as a kid but I quit that too cause after my parents left me with a pervy babysitter for days I didn’t trust any adult men for a while, including my piano teacher.

———

Steph: You’re really nice to me.

Kara: Well, yeah? We’re friends!

Steph: You haven’t even told me to go away once!

Kara: Why would I want you to go away?

Steph: Normally it’s cause Batman thinks I’m no good- but I guess that wouldn’t matter to you?

———

Kara: Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you’d never met Batman?

Steph: I’d be in prison, probably.

Kara: For what?

Steph: I was gonna murder my Dad… actually I think I would have gotten away with it so maybe not prison?

Kara: …Forget I asked.

———

Steph: Ugh! I’m going to kill Bruce!

Kara: What’d he do now?

Steph: He paid off my student loans without telling me!

Kara: That’s… terrible?

Steph: I don’t want his stupid pity presents. He does this every year!

Kara: Pity present?

Steph: Yeah, it’s his yearly “sorry you got murdered” gift. Last year I magically qualified for a WE scholarship I didn’t apply for.

Kara: …I might regret mentioning it but did you say murdered?

Steph: Huh? Oh, yeah, brutally- that’s why I don’t like walking past construction sites. Hold on, I need to call Bruce and yell at him.

[fluentmoviequoter]

Black Mercy

Pairing: Bruce Wayne x fem!JL!reader (Justice League Unlimited!Bruce)

Summary: When you and Bruce find Superman in the Fortress of Solitude, you encounter the Black Mercy. Bruce faces his heart's greatest desire, and you encourage him to find happiness.

Warnings: spoilers/rewrite for Justice League Unlimited 1x2 "For the Man Who Has Everything", fluff, canon-level violence and action

Word Count: 2.3k+ words

A/N: I'll say it again... this show is elite. I'll never shut up about the characterizations of Batman, Superman, and the Flash! But, also, his bat ears.

Picture from Pinterest

Masterlist | DC Masterlist | Request Info

“J’onn, when did Superman check in last?” you inquire.

J’onn clicks the trackpad before him. The Watchtower has the most advanced technology of any place you’ve ever seen, yet J’onn has to navigate to the most recent communication reports to learn when he last heard Clark’s voice.

“Several hours,” J’onn answers with a frown. “He traveled to his Fortress of Solitude to investigate a disturbance but hasn’t reported since he arrived.”

“I’ll try to contact him,” you tell J’onn.

Bruce thought of everything when he designed and funded the Watchtower, and you navigate to your favorite private area. You occasionally wonder if he created such spots for people like you, the unpowered or easily overwhelmed. The Watchtower is big enough that you could go an entire day without seeing another member of the League; now, you crave that privacy to check on your friend.

“Superman, come in,” you say into your small radio. “Hello? … Clark?”

The only response you get is a distant static. You bounce the radio between your hands and frown. Clark can handle himself, of course, but he’s also good about staying in touch. The hidden door beside you creaks open slowly before Bruce steps inside.

“I thought you may be here,” he murmurs. When he turns to face you, he asks, “What’s wrong?”

“Clark isn’t checking in. J’onn hasn’t heard from him in hours, and I can’t reach him on comms,” you answer.

“Where is he?”

“Fortress of Solitude.”

“Then let’s go.”

You smile and take Bruce’s hand as he helps you to stand. He leads you through the empty hallways of the Watchtower, and you hope that when you get to Superman's hideout, it's just radio interference and nothing more. He steps onto the launch bay and presses a button on his utility belt to open the canopy of the batplane.

“Can I fly?” you ask.

“No,” Bruce answers.

He flies in relative silence, and it isn’t until he steers the plane into the freezing water surrounding the Fortress of Solitude that you decide to speak.

“That was a nice turn,” you compliment. “You usually scare me when you fly.”

“Sorry,” Bruce replies shortly.

He levels the plane onto an ice bank and opens the canopy. When he sees a small box in your hand, he furrows his brows under the cowl. You lead the way through the icy cave and look around for any sign of Clark.

“Is that for his birthday?” Bruce asks.

“What’d you get him?” you reply.

“He’s not the easiest person in the world to buy presents for.” Bruce lifts an envelope from his belt as he speaks.

“Please tell me that’s not a gift card.”

“It’s not… It's cash.”

You nod, and follow Bruce up the stairs into the heart of Superman’s fortress.

“What do you get for the man who has everything?” Bruce adds before freezing.

You drop the gift box when you see Clark. Bruce’s arm stretches past you protectively as you look from a distance. Clark stands motionless with a large plant attached to his chest and wrapped around his shoulders and back.

“What is that?” you ask Bruce.

He walks down the steps to get a closer look, and you follow closely behind him.

“Looks like some kind of plant,” Bruce says. “Seems to be growing through his costume and into his body.”

You step to Bruce’s side and look at Clark’s chest. He’s breathing, barely, but that’s enough of a promise that he can be saved from whatever this is. Clearly, someone was in the fortress, and Clark probably interrupted them. You will know where to start if you learn what he was investigating.

“Look around,” Bruce requests. “I’ll see what I can find here.”

You leave his side as he shines a light in Clark’s eyes. Bruce is well-versed in Kryptonian anatomy, so you trust him to decide what’s best for Clark.

“Pupils aren’t responding in the slightest. He must be cut off from all sensation,” Bruce deduces.

“How do we save someone who doesn’t know we’re trying?” you inquire.

Bruce doesn’t answer you but murmurs, “Kent, where are you?”

“So, it was a gift. Teleported here from some alien culture, some grateful world. Or someone wanting you to think they were grateful,” Bruce says to Clark.

“How remarkable,” someone calls. Bruce stands quickly and sees Mongul as he finishes, “You animals really are almost intelligent, aren’t you? That’s exactly what happened.”

Mongul steps out of the shadows, and Bruce sees you unconscious in his hand. His jaw clenches, but he remains calm and focused. He can’t save you or Clark if he loses a fight with Mongul.

“Mongul,” Bruce greets.

“You recognize me. I’m flattered. I suppose Superman told you all about our previous encounter.”

“You mean how he humiliated you?” Bruce taunts.

“A… jaundiced account. What inferior specimens he surrounds himself with.” Mongul raises you cruelly and says, “I took her down before she even knew I was there, and I’ll take this planet just as easily.”

You gesture with your hand to show Bruce you’re about to move and then swing your legs up. When they meet Mongul’s jaw, he tips back, and you fall to the cold floor.

“Maybe she knew more than you thought,” you say. “We inferior specimens call it ‘playing possum.’”

You prepare to fight Mongul despite the unfairness of the fight. Before you can punch or be punched, however, Bruce jumps between you and Mongul.

“No,” he demands.

“Clearly the males on this world are the smart one,” Mongul muses. “He wants to know about the plant. The Black Mercy is a telepathic species. It reads the heart’s desires and feeds the individual a totally convincing simulation of it.”

“So, he’s dreaming?” Bruce clarifies.

“Oh, far deeper than any dream. I wonder where he thinks he is… Sitting on a throne ruling the universe, all you human garbage fawning at his feet? More honest, don’t you think than this pretense of being a selfless hero?”

“Bruce, we can’t take him,” you whisper as Mongul looks at Clark. “What are we supposed to do?”

“We can’t take him,” Bruce agrees. “But we can take a plant.”

“Need a distraction?”

“Be careful.”

You run toward Mongul and force him backward, away from Clark. He knocks you to the floor with ease, but where you lack size and power, you have mobility and agility. You maneuver away from him and run through an opening in the wall. As you hoped, he follows you.

Meanwhile, Bruce attempts to cut through the plant but fails.

“He’ll kill her, Clark,” Bruce tells Clark. “And then he’ll kill us all. Shake it off. Come back to us… Please.”

Bruce told you to be careful, but you’re doing anything you can to keep Mongul away from him. You fire a Kryptonian weapon at him, but you and Bruce face similar luck as nothing works to help you. You’re trapped in a losing fight, and Bruce can’t get Clark back. You see another line of weapons and run into an adjoining room. Mongul follows you, and he’s loud enough that Bruce can locate you without seeing you.

“She’s in the hall of weapons. That will buy her time, but not enough.” He grips Clark’s shoulders and adds, “She’s fighting for her life, Clark. You’ve got to fight too, Clark.”

The weapon goes cold, and you drop it before you realize how close you are to Mongul. Mogul wraps a hand around your shoulders and squeezes your neck before pushing you onto the floor.

“First, I’ll kill you and the Bat and then I’ll take this planet,” he says.

“You won’t win,” you force out.

“Of course I will.”

Mongul lifts you from the ground before dropping you again, and you can only hope that Bruce is close to saving Clark. Once he’s back, you can be sure Mongul won’t win.

“Yes, that’s it,” Bruce says as he pulls the Black Mercy from Clark’s chest. “Fight it. Fight it.”

Bruce finally succeeds and removes the plant from Clark, but his victory is short-lived before it attaches to him instead.

“Batman!” you yell as Mongul throws you across the hall of weapons.

You struggle to push yourself to your feet, but a blue and red blur knocks Mongul off his feet before you can. While Clark pays Mongul back for everything he lost, you stumble through a hole in the wall to find Bruce. It’s unimaginable - to lose your heart’s desire, but when you see Bruce smiling with the Black Mercy on his chest, you find the strength to keep moving.

“Bruce,” you call, but it’s no more than a whimper.

You kneel before him and grip the sides of the plant. Pulling is pointless, but you need him back. Clark can undoubtedly handle Mongul alone, but Bruce needs your help now.

“Bruce, fight for me. Come back to me,” you plead.

“Bruce, I think it’s your turn.”

Bruce shakes his head and continues kissing you. The kids are making noise in the formal living room, but he ignores it. Not even the unmistakable sound of something breaking can draw Bruce away from you.

“Brucie,” you try again.

Talking against his lips doesn't work because his kisses are addictive. You finally raise your hands and push yourself away from Bruce. He smiles, and you know your happiness is evident on your face, too.

“Your kids are destroying the manor,” you remind him. 

“We can fix it. And they’re our kids.”

“I’m happy,” you tell him.

“I am too.”

Bruce brushes your hair back and watches your smile fall.

“But it’s not real,” you whisper.

“It can be,” Bruce promises.

He leans toward you, and you kiss his forehead before answering, “Then wake up and make it real.”

Bruce wakes and is harshly reminded of where he is as he falls backward. The Black Mercy is wrapping around your outstretched arms, and you grunt with effort as you force it away from your chest. Clark is still fighting Mongul, and each reference to his heart’s desire revives his fight and energy.

“Bruce,” you call.

Bruce pushes your arms away from your face, and you roll toward a hole in the floor. Mongul is directly beneath you, and the Black Mercy falls away from you before landing on him. Clark sits back in relief as Mongul disappears into his heart’s desire.

“Are you okay?” Bruce asks.

You assure him that it's nothing more than bumps and bruises, and Bruce pulls a grappling hook from his belt. You wrap your arms around Bruce and cling to him as he lowers to Clark’s side.

“This was your birthday present,” you tell Clark as you pass him the battered box. “Probably broken now, but…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Clark says with a smile. He looks up at the Kryptonian statues above you and promises, “I won’t forget you.”

 “I wonder what he’s seeing,” you say, pointing toward Mongul. “Something better than he deserves, I’m sure.”

“You’re the only one who didn’t get a glimpse at your heart’s desire,” Clark points out. “Maybe I should get you a gift on the way back.”

You smile and pat his shoulder. “I’m sorry for whatever it is you lost. But I’m glad you get to spend your birthday here.”

“I appreciate it. And who knows, maybe I’ll get my desire someday.”

“I hope so.”

“Happy birthday,” Bruce says as he passes the envelope to Clark.

“Thanks, Bruce,” Clark replies. “What do you say we got back to the Watchtower and let the Fortress rest for a while?”

You and Bruce agree, but Bruce waits beside you as Clark walks toward the hidden entrance. He’ll meet you back in space, but now you’re more interested in Bruce’s attention on you.

“I’m sorry,” you offer.

“I thought it would be about my parents. When Mongul explained it, I just assumed,” Bruce says.

“I think mine would have been a normal life. No need for superheroes or watchtowers… just domesticity and happiness with someone who I love and who loves me.”

“You were there,” Bruce says quickly.

“Oh,” you say, unsure of any other, more appropriate response. "Was it… you don’t have to tell me.”

“It felt so real, even though I knew it wasn’t. Is it wrong that I wanted it to be?”

“Of course not.”

“Clark can’t get what he wanted, not if he was back on Krypton, but I could get mine with a single question. What makes me more worthy; after everything I’ve done?”

“Bruce,” you say, drawing his attention when you lay a hand on his chest. “It’s not about that. If your desire is more achievable in this life, that has nothing to do with what you deserve. And you’re not a bad person, so stop punishing yourself.”

“You told me I could make it real,” he murmurs.

“Then ask the question. You can leave it here with that plant, or you can do something for you this one time.”

“We were in the manor,” Bruce begins. “And there were kids playing in the other room, and you looked so happy. I was happy again, and I haven’t been happy in that house since I was eight years old.”

“Things can change,” you whisper.

“Would you- could we try?” Bruce asks.

“The kids in the manor thing or the you and me thing?” you tease.

You lay your hands on Bruce’s shoulders and lean close to him. His hands hover above your waist before settling against the top of your hips.

“Both?” he suggests.

“Alfred will be so happy to have company again,” you say before closing the distance and kissing Bruce.

His dreams are coming true, and yours are too. The fight never ends, but part of you is glad that the Black Mercy attached to Bruce’s chest and the version of you in his heart convinced him to take the next step.

“Alright, let’s go, Brucie,” you say as you pull back. “Clark’s going to get suspicious.”

“Brucie?” Bruce repeats. “You’ve never called me that before.”

“New things, remember? Now, come on, we have a world to protect before you take me on a proper date.”

Bruce follows you as you walk back toward the batplane and shakes his head as he murmurs, “Does this not count?”

[armed-with-a-waffle-iron]

Babs (aged 17): “Did you know newborn Robins only take two weeks to get as big as their parents?”

Dick (aged 15-16): “This some kind of elaborate short joke? Because you’re boring.”

Babs: “... Still taller than you.”

Dick: “For now.”

Babs: “For-ever.”

Dick: “For…k off.”

Babs: “Nah, you’d miss me too much.”

Dick: “You’d be mistaken.”

Babs: “You’d be miserable.”

Dick: “You're missing the point. Was doing this 3 years before you showed up.”

Babs: “You’d have only done 3 years if I didn’t.”

Dick: "As if you'd survive 3 minutes as Bat's partner."

Babs: "I'd have better sense. I'm not even his partner now."

Dick: "I'm flattered. You just tag along to see me, do you?"

Babs: "Exactly. The elf boots and pants are a riot."

Dick: *stands up in front of her* "Tell me my legs don't look-"

Batman (over coms): "Nothing to report, I assume?"

Dick: "No. Nope. Um..."

Batman: "Good to know you're both so focused."

Dick and Babs: ... *blushing and looking opposite directions from each other*

Later:

Babs: “Hey. It wasn’t a short joke by the way. I meant-”

Dick: “I know what you meant. I was just…you just...it all felt a little too real all of a sudden, you know?”

Babs: “Yeah, I know."

*Both smile at each other for a little too long, their cheeks starting to warm. Dick looks away.*

Babs: *punches his shoulder* "What’d you do without me?”

Dick: “Don’t you start.”

[its-a-dam-blue-brick]

Why I would Die pt. 2

Gotham

Mc: *jumping around the rooftops in full costume*

Batman, exiting from the shadows: “The Penguin.”

Mc, trying to stick my pointy nose back on: “Um… yes?”

—————

Mc: *stabs Joker bc fck that guy*

Batman, aiming his weapon: “You killed.”

Mc: “Yeah? People do it all the time around here, it didn’t seem like a big deal!”

Batman: “I don’t allow murderers in my city.”

Mc, pointing exaggeratedly at dead Joker: “So, what, I gotta have some weird homoerotic relationship with you, first?”

Barbara: *mutes comms bc everyone is laughing*

—————

*In Arkham Asylum*

Crocodile: *ignoring mc*

Mc: “So what’d you do to get put in timeout?”

—————

Red Robin: “Batman doesn’t like vigilantes in his city.”

Mc, just walking around looking for fights: “What’s he gonna do, adopt me?”

—————

Nightwing: “it’s not safe to be on the roof at night.”

Mc: “�� *shrug* safer than on the ground.”

Nightwing: *sigh* “Look, can I walk you home?”

Mc, pointing: “Yeah, sure. It’s about five feet that way.”

Nightwing: “You’re homeless?”

Mc, sarcastically: “We are in Gotham, y’know.”

—————

*watching Red Robin fight criminals*

Mc, idly: “Red Robin - yum! 🎶 “

RR: *looks around for mc, gets stabbed*

Mc: “oops.”

—————

Mc: “I never understood why people have a Daddy kink. I mean, what? You want him to beat your ass and be emotionally unavailable?”

Bruce: *bruce noises*

Mc: “Uh oh.”

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

DAMN CAP YOU COOKED THIS IS MASSIVE!! SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 72 OF PN BELOW BEWEAR!!

OHH SHE TOOK THE EARINGS WITH HER STEALING THEM ok i’m a fool right this makes sense. 

Girl. girl please. “You gotta trust me marinette I’m the only one you can trust” YOU WERE TRYING TO SCAM HER 

Love Fei, the dichotomy of man is so real with her

Damn brother what an intro, and then we snap back to Juleka pretending she is Batman. I hope she is at least enjoying running around on the rooftops she wanted to chapters ago

I genuinely can’t tell if girly has a concussion or not. I am one to be tricked by the narrator so since she’s saying she doesn’t i’m like “Oh ok, i trust you”

Aww cute Alya and Juleka friending it up real style, I like how Alya was begging panthera to find marinette, so real of her. 

Juleka: dont worry i actually do this super often

Alya: be concussed on a rooftop?

HA-

Yooo super soulmate tracking activated??

I still find the fact that Marinette said that they “speedran dating” to be hilarious

Fei panicking like this is her first sleepover is so silly style

AUGH NO MARINETTE IS NOT THE PERSON TO ADMIT YOU WANT TO KILL SOMEONE TO

Like i love girly but damn Fei you did not choose the right person to admit murderous intent to

Like maybe this is good for Fei to be told “hey girl that’s a bit far” but like let the girl get her emotions off her chest before invalidating them LB damn

Cash, my brother, fuck off. Fei, kick him in the balls, I command thee. 

She was being emotionally vulnerable! Let her have her moment! 

Damn brother, Cash really just hit Marinette with the fact that good people can do bad things for reasons they see as good, this will literally break her good people meter.

Panthera where be you

Ricky, ricky when I catch you ricky (me about Cash)

YES GIRL (marinette said screw you, i’m hype)

Oop- Marinette is fighting back, and now she pointed out the obvious (to us, not to Fei) 

Damn brother plot twist (which I forgor) 

Oh dear oh dear oh dear, poor Fei. Girly it’s ok he took advantage of you in a vulnerable state that’s not your fault augh I feel awful for her

NOOO HAWKCOCK RETURNS BAD TIMING FUCK OFF

Help “what’d her glove do?” his hysterical

She pointed at the little akuma resting on her finger, “Are you gonna eat that?”

“Obviously not! Are you- oh you are. Okay.” ok so. Can marinette eat akumas to purify them?

Hey did Fei just get a real concussion?? Exciting

Who are these random lesbians in my father’s ancient duty cave? I ACTUALLY LOST IT

Oh damn the prodigious have shown up this chapter! Nice. 

NAH NOT HAWKMOTH HAVING PTSD FROM PANTHERA HAAA

Sorry not many comments on this bit i’m too into it to write

Realest reaction to gaining super powers

Wha da hell the renlings are mad. I do not remember them from the shanghai special i just remembered big lion guy

Damn motherfucker this shit bangs

Fei having the time of her life is very fun, it’s also been rather novel to have so much not-Juleka POV lately! Though that tracks with how much you like Fei!

I do wonder if you’re going to have her show up outside of this arc or naw, I guess i shall wait and see >:3

Could these lesbians please focus? HELP FEI STOP BEING SILLY

Damn nobody wants her to kill Cash. except me, Kill him Fei. I demand thee. 

I mean i think it would permanently scar her, but yknow, character building gotta come from somewhere buddy

Goddamn!! That rocked. Fei kicked his ass, hell yeah. Glad she didn’t kill him though (shush i have layers)

Help the awkward after battle chat with Hawkmoth what is this

FEI HAS A POINT THIS IS WEIRD AS SHIT

Backstory?? For Cash?? Ohhhh its that fucker. Cash is the guy who- oh ok it’s all coming together

HELP THE CHAOS

YOOO LION AKUMA HELLLL YEAH

I’ve always thought his akuma was sick as fuck

HAWKMOTH DIED/??

HELP SO MUCH IS HAPPENING ROSE CALLED AND- GTVNBUREFI

Ok so my suspicion that Adrien will find out has dimmed, but the embers are still there. Maybe he’ll be vaporized. 

Yeah maybe now isn’t the time for impromptu therapy ladies

Hell yeah, Panthera for the emotional intelligence win you go girl

Oh no it went wrong, Fei running away from your problems doesn’t work this is an awful time to do that!

No because Fei literally challenges Marinnettes ideals of a good person, her black and white way of thinking about things has been a (interesting!) source of conflict throughout this but i don’t believe she has ever disagreed with someone in this way that she actually likes. Idk if this makes sense, basically what I’m saying is this could be an interesting way to develop her black and white view on good and evil

I have feelings about it all ok??

“I can’t think about this” YES YOU CAN LB

I’m curious when Juleka will use that power again, also what is it called?

HELP NO i am actually out of breath from how much i laughed at Juleka picking up the phone for Rose WHILE CLIMBING WHATS HIM NAME SHADOW OF THE COLLOSUS STYLE 

GIRL. HAVE SOME PRIORITIES. 

WAIT IWIAIT WIH3W

WHAY

WITA

JULEKA CALLED HER SUNBEAM? ISN’T THAT WHAT SHE CALLED ROSE AS PANTHERA OR AM I GOING INSANE

WAIT. ROSE HAS A CLUE NOW? I’M GOING INSANE CAP

CAP PLEASE

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE ROSE-JULEKA REVEAL FOR YEARS

WHEN. 

Sorry i went mad

In my head when LB was flung off the big guy she pinwheeled through the air silly style

Is. is fei just flying about crying? “A mournful cry” and “red and gold streaked above them” like. As a bird i think that counts as flying about for the fuck of it and sobbing it up real style

It has been. A week maybe more. Sorry got distracted read 1.4 mill for another work got way too invested, we are so back though

And back to Fei’s POV epic crying girl montage qued

“And it was all her fault” girl please, there is a dickhead called HM and I think it’s more his fualt than yours, get over yourself

The renlings are so cool, the dialogue you had them do was mega cool cap

Dragon renling is bad ass, personally i would name them. He is now dubbed; Daniel.

Damn move over Juleka, there’s a new therapist in down, his name is Daniel the Dragon

Oh thank fuck, when Daniel said forgive i was like bitch Cash doesn’t deserve that, but forgiving herself makes so much sense. 

Not Panthera offering to fix her makeup- Juleka is so sweet girl

“We’ve got your back, Fei.” Ladybug exclaimed, “L-Like; If you need a plan, I’ve got one. I’ve got a great plan. I just need a GIANT jug- this made me lose it. What the fuck LB what would a giant jug do pray tell

YEAH DRAGON TIME

Sorry, that piece about her dad was lovely and it was awesome to read, it swept me up so i just ended up saying dragon time

Hm how does the dragon speak if it doesn’t have lips (in my head) 

No because ack what is this plan that involves a giant vase. Panthera you go girl don’t let her get eaten by another akuma, the dinosaur was enough. What will they do for Feast if not be eaten though that is the real question

Ya girly Fei just kicked kaiju ass in under 5 minutes because their timers were going off so, current MVP of the series; Fei, followed by Juleka for her metallica moment

Aww Mei Shi is adorable

He's so nice help

WHERE DID HE GO

Also wonderful break POV, that was a good line

Get his ass gang, cash is a dick

MEI SHI IS ADORABLE YAYAY AND SMALL

Fei has like 13 friends now. Is there 12 renlings or no i can’t remember

“Ooh sounds yummy.”

“You sounded a lot more professional as a robot guardian guy.”

“I was. Now I’m small and terrible.”

“Joy.” I LOVES HIM SO MUCH HE IS SO BABY!!! If only they returned to Paris with LB and Panthera, he could be friends with plagg.

Juleka now has a favor… 

Oh yeah plagg realised he could leave the ring while Juleka is transformed. That feels like an important detail. 

“OH MY GOD I HAVE PARENTS.” i love marinette. I loved this whole interaction actually, “water under the bridge, forced under the bridge” and all that was really funny

Also the fact that Adrien didn’t know your not allowed to sleep with a concussion has me concerned. 

Oh yay!! Juleka and Fei ‘therapy’ session

“That’s our everyday Ladybug!”

“AHA. YEAH. THAT SAYING. LANKS ADRIEN. I MEAN THANKS LADRIEN. THANKS. ADRIEN. AHAH.” realest reaction to that

The ending was very cosy, lots of fun :3

Finito!!!!!!! Amazing chapter Cap, ten out of ten, no a hundred out of ten is more fitting. I look forward to what comes next >:3

DANIEL I’m wheezing

I’m so glad you enjoyed bud! I’m gonna try and keep Fei in her lane for the rest of the fic or else my favoritism will show.

as for Panthera’s “special mode”, that’s called Mass Obliteration!

Plagg leaving the ring while Panthera is transformed is a marker on how much experience she’s had being Panthera.

When characters are transformed, they absorb that Kwami’s power to wear the suit. Then they expend a lots of that magic to use their powers and if they’re young and haven’t used that miraculous much- or don’t have lots of magic in general- then that magic is pretty much depleted to nothing once that power is used and their battery runs out after five minutes.

The Kwami is like the power source to the holder’s battery/charge, with the miraculous being the chord between them. Usually you need them “plugged in” aka in the miraculous at all time when the holder is transformed. However! Panthera’s gotten so used to Plagg’s essence that even if he leaves the ring for a bit, she can stay transformed as she has a bit of his magic to naturally spare. I hope that makes sense I’m babbling. Thank you to my buddy @ghostatjoes for that lore.

The base was in the original Shanghai episode. Ladybug’s plan was to get vored and break the akuma from the inside. It had organs. Mei Shi had organs. I was so disturbed, I didn’t wanna write that— and also I felt like Ladybug overhauling Fei’s fight was wrong. That was HER villain yknow. Wanted Fei to finish it all by herself.

I’m glad you enjoyed! This was def one of my favorite chapters ever to write. I think the size is an obvious indicator. I hope you guys enjoy Season 3! It’s coming I swear. I’m just writing a fun chapter before I drag you all into my hole of hell that I’ve been stewing over for years.

[roo0-0]

“ I’m not your son!” Tim yells as he run out the manor doors. Bruce and Alfred were stunned. What had gotten into Tim? What was wrong? “Woah B what’d you do?” Dick said dryly having over heard the tail end of the argument. “I- I don’t know.” Bruce was a master detective and even he was puzzled on what brought upon this outburst. “He’s having one of those gross ‘I need my dad’ moments but your not his biological dad and you didn’t choose him to be robin; he chose himself so now he’s angry-sad.” Jason said a lot of weird stuff and this was one of the lesser of some things he’s said but everyone was still very confused. “What?” Bruce asked. “He’s having a-“ “I heard you jay but how do you know that?” “He was mumbling about it when he got infected with fear toxin last time we fought riddler.” Once Jason finally shut his mouth he realized Dick’s and Bruce’s eyes were twitching. “And you didn’t think to tell anybody!?” Dick was not impressed by Jason’s lack of communication skills especially when it came to one of their brother’s feelings. “I tried to talk to Tim after he got the antidote and some rest but after about four words he started yelling very loudly until I stopped talking. Then later when I suggested he explain how he felt to Bruce he grabbed his bow staff and tried to smack me in the ribs with it; so I left it alone.” Jason said shrugging. By this point Batman had been face palming and pinching the bridge of his nose interchangeably for five minutes. “I’m going to go find Tim and talk to him. NO ONE follow me okay?” Bruce said opening the manor doors as Dick and Jason shook their head hard enough to give themselves whiplash.

“Tim?” Bruce called poking his head around the corner into the garden Alfred, Jason, and Cass had started. “Go away Bruce.” Tim choked out; it was evident that Tim had been crying. “I think I might know what is going on?” Bruce said it almost as if it was a question. “Do you really now?” Tim laughed dryly lacking any and all humor in his voice. “Jason told me something. He said that you didn’t feel like my son and that you felt you weren’t worthy of the Robin title-“ “that snitching bitch” “Tim language. But I’m glad he told me cause it’s opened my eyes to something I would have never thought about otherwise. Just because you chose to be Robin and I didn’t choose you doesn’t make you any less of a Robin and it doesn’t make me love you any less. Tim you are my son and although I may not be your biological dad, I can still be your dad if you allow me.” Tim sat there stunned. This was a lot of emotions for Bruce to be showing all at once and he didn’t know how to respond. He started to cry “Bruce… thank you. You and Alfred were the first real father figure I’ve ever had but it felt like I didn’t deserve it.” Tim said looking at his shoes. He never knew how to interact with Bruce and Alfred like all his siblings did; he wasn’t chosen like they were he just showed up exposing his secret identity and asked to be Robin. He wanted so desperately to go to Bruce when he was struggling; or as Jason ‘that bitch’ Todd called it: an “I need my dad” moment. He felt like had no where to go with his emotions cause the one person he could go to was rarely around. Dick used to always be there for Tim; letting him cry into his arms or sparing with him when Tim was angry. Now? Now Tim felt isolated and alone in his feelings. “Tim? Jason said something and I think that’s what’s going on right now. He said you’re having an ‘I need my dad moment’ and I need you to understand this: you can always come to me to complain, punch, or cry too no matter what. I’m your dad now and I want to be that support for you. Will you let me?” Tim didn’t know what to say. He just flung himself into B’s arms and cried. Bruce hugged him as hard as he could trying to get his point across that he was there for him.

The next day when no one was around Bruce cried a little feeling so happy and so sad all at once for letting one of his kids suffer in silence. That day he mentally promised his kids to never let them fester in their feeling for that long ever again.

[august-blake-flynn-wayne]

Heard From Wayne Manor Part 6

TIM: [to Damian] Should I get you a step stool so you can look me in the eyes when you threaten me?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

DICK: I might’ve been lying when I said I didn’t like Babs. ME: Yeah no shit, genius JASON: Congratulations you’re officially the last to know!

————————————————————————————-

ME: No, Bruce, stop trying to adopt everybody!

————————————————————————————

JASON: I’m so done with Bruce right now, I swear to god ME: What’d he do? Ground you, take away your weapons, made you clean your helmet— JASON: I gave him a bag of skittles and he started organizing them by color ME: Oh yeah, he does that a lot JASON: *horrified*

————————————————————————————

ANOTHER HERO: Hey uh, maybe we need Batman’s help for this one? ANY OF THE ROBINS: I would literally rather die

-----------------------------------------------------------------

TIM: *cooking* JASON: You’re doing it wrong. Set the burner to high, not medium. TIM: Jason, shut up it’s fine. JASON: You’re still doing it wrong. TIM: Alfred, tell him to stop correcting me ALFRED: He will stop correcting you, Master Tim, when you stop making mistakes

-----------------------------------------------------------------

GREEN LANTERN: How can you not know which is which? SUPERMAN: I mean, that’s unbelievable THE FLASH: Was it Tim? AQUAMAN: Which one is Tim? THE FLASH: Dark hair, with the sarcastic attitude SUPERMAN: No, no, no that’s Jason BRUCE: You see, you can’t tell which one is which either GREEN LANTERN: Well we didn’t adopt any of them

------------------------------------------------------------

TIM: How many Damians does it take to change a lightbulb? JASON: Just one. The real question is: how many ladders does he need?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

ME: So, I got detention today. BRUCE: How? ME: The teacher pointed a ruler at me and said “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler.�� ME: Then I asked which end JASON: Fuck yeah! *Jason and I fist bump*

-----------------------------------------------------------------

ME: How the hell did you get me mixed up with the boys? BRUCE: Give me a break, you all look the same. ME: LAST TIME I CHECKED I’M FEMALE BRUCE: I think it’s the eyes ME: I HAVE BROWN EYES BRUCE

-----------------------------------------------------------------

SOMEONE: *about Bruce* There’s no way he’s a dad ALL OF THE BATKIDS: He’s a dad

-----------------------------------------------------------------

BRUCE: Where are you going? JASON: To either get Ice Cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide in the car

-----------------------------------------------------------------

TIM: Do you think I could fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth? DAMIAN: You’re a hazard to society ME: And a coward, do twenty

-----------------------------------------------------------------

*at Roy’s place* ME: Babe, do you want some dinner? ROY: What are my options? ME: Yes or fucking no?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

ROY: Fuck you! JASON: Fuck you too! ME: *fed up* Then just go get a room and fuck each other people here have work to do!

[wonderjanga]

Marvel and the Supernatural

Basically some Marvel interactions with supernatural creatures. I think he would be really friendly with some and, you know, not as friendly to others.

Marvel: “Sorry, guys. I gotta head out early.”

Flash: “Dude, why? I wanna see a drunk Marvel!”

Aquaman: “Cap, what would it take for you to accept even one invitation for drink?”

Marvel: “Uh…”

Superman: “Cap, you know you can just tell us if you don’t want to go.”

Marvel: “Oh- uh- it’s not that. I already have plans, that’s why I can’t go. I have to see a friend of mine who’s visiting.”

Wonder Woman: “A friend?”

GL: “I thought we were your only friends.”

Marvel: “I have other friends.” *sounds slightly offended before brushing off the offense* “You guys might know her actually.”

Superman: “Is she a hero?”

Marvel: “Oh no. She’s Bigfoot.”

*loud silence*

GL: “What…?”

Marvel: “She’s Bigfoot, but she prefers when I call her Rhonda. She’s a very classy lady.” *nods head* “We get tea every time she’s in town.”

*another loud silence*

Aquaman: “Buddy…” *puts hand on Marvel’s shoulder* “If you really don’t want to hang out with us that badly, you can just tell us. You don’t have a make up an excuse like that.”

Marvel: *visibly tenses at being called a liar* “I’m not a liar guys.” *shrugs off hand and shoves own hand into pocket dimension and starts rummages, looking for something*

JL: *horrified for a solid three seconds when they see half of Marvel’s arm disappear*

Marvel: *pulls photo from pocket dimension* “Look!” *shows photo of him at a table that looks comically small compared to him, also holding a tea cup too small for an 8ft tall man. Also shows Bigfoot in a very elegant sundress also sitting at the table, also making it look comically small while also holding a teacup that also looks too small for it*

*loudest silence*

GL: “Why are you casually just friends with Bigfoot? How do you just fail to mention things like this??”

or

Batman: “Marvel, why did you put in a notice for leave?”

Marvel: “I thought I put sick leave?”

Batman: “No… You just sent in an email that said, “I’ll be gone for a week” and that’s it.”

Marvel: “Oh. My bad. Well, I’m gonna be gone for a week cause I’m going Wendigo hunting with a couple buddies of mine.”

Batman: “Wendigo. Like the evil, man eating spirit.” *raises brow as if it’s noticeable from under his cowl*

Marvel: “Yeah! It’s kinda like big game hunting, but for people with magic. Plus, they’re kinda starting to become a problem up North. Wanna come?”

Batman: “I don’t have magic.”

Marvel: *shrugs* “You’re Batman. You could probably figure out a way. But even then, we’d be happy to have you.”

Batman: “Hn.” (Translation: I’ll think about it.)

or

Flash: “Dude, you’re sulking. You never sulk! Something’s wrong.”

Marvel: “It’s not that big of a deal. I’m mad at Satan.”

Flash: “Me too, bro me too.” *pats shoulder* “What’d the devil do to you?”

Marvel: “He cheated at poker!”

Flash: “You gamble— I see. So you’re down on your luck at casinos.”

Marvel: “No, like literally! He hid a card up his furry sleeve!”

Flash: *blinks rapidly trying to process that whole statement* “Oh. Uh- you could always disinvite him.”

Marvel: “I guess. But he’s my friend.”

Flash: “Why can you confidently say you’re friends with the devil?”

Marvel: *ignores his question* “What if that hurts our friendship?”

Flash: “Maybe try talking to him about it…?”

Marvel: “That’s actually… a pretty good idea! Thanks, Flash!” *hops up and speeds off to where Flash can assume is literal hell*

[vodika-vibes]

with the risk of delving too deep into the obscure 😂 do you know Mij Gilamar? I feel like he’s one of the very few Mandos who’s got some common sense and an overall good personality, would you at some point maybe consider writing for him? I totally get it if not! he’s definitely a more unknown side character but I like him and thought asking doesn’t hurt 😅

Not To Me

Summary: You pick up Mij after getting his distress beacon, and then he ends up having to take care of you.

Pairing: Pre-Relationship Mij Gilamar x Reader

Word Count: 1076

Warnings: None

Tagging: @trixie2023 @n0vqni

A/N: Someday I will stop naming ships after Batman sidekicks, but it is not this day. Also, Wookieepedia didn't give him much of a personality, so I sort of made an educated guess off of his history.

“You know,” You say, lightly and conversationally, to the man sitting in the co-pilot's seat on your ship, “You could just call when you need a pick up, you don’t have to go through these convoluted plans to try and get my attention.”

Mij rolls his eyes, “I wasn’t trying to get your attention.” He says as he applies a bacta patch to the burn on his arm.

“And yet, you lucky thing you, you managed to catch it anyway!” You grin at him as you lean back in your seat.

He rolls his eyes again, “What are you even doing in this region of space? I thought you had a beef with the Hutt Cartel.”

“I don’t have a problem with anyone. The Hutt cartel has an issue with me.” You spin your chair so you’re facing him directly, “I mean, you raid on slave transport and all of a sudden your menace #1 on a hutt hit list? It just seems dramatic.”

“Yes, well, you’d know all about drama, wouldn’t you?” Mij asks as his gaze drifts to your legs, which are bare save for the mini shorts that you prefer, “I see you haven’t considered wearing armor yet.”

You swing your legs onto the arm of his seat, “And cover my most amazing feature?” You gesture to your legs, “Look at them! I was contacted about being a model recently, you know.”

“And you turned them down?” Mij asks.

“I have better things to do than prance around in lingerie for hours on end.” You reply as you stretch a little more.

“...lingerie?”

“Oh, yes. They wanted to hire me to be a lingerie model. Apparently I have a look that men like.” You grin at him, “What do you think?”

Tragically, he doesn’t fall for your bait, and he just arches a single brow, “I’m sure there are some men out there who like how you look.”

“And you’re not one of them? I’m hurt.”

“You’ve never been offended by a damned thing I’ve said,” Mij points out, “Do you have any more of these?” He gestures to the bacta patch, “I think I need more than you gave me.”

“You know where I keep my kit,” You reply, dropping your legs into his lap as he turns his chair to stand up. You pout when he pushes your legs to the floor, “Rude.”

“Why aren’t you wearing shoes?”

“Why should I have to wear shoes on my own ship?” You retort as he steps out of the cockpit to find your first aid kit.

“Not everyone wants to see your feet!” Mij calls, and you roll your eyes, “You haven’t restocked your first aid kit.” He says as he steps back into the door.

“I’ve been busy! There’s bandages in there.”

“Your bottle of antiseptic is empty,” Mij says, “What’d you use it on?”

“Maybe I drank it.”

He scoffs, “Try again,”

“I had to use it.” You grumble, “All of it. And I haven’t been able to restock yet.”

“On yourself?” Mij asks and his eyes narrow when you don’t answer, “You used it on yourself?”

“Yes. Fine. Yes, I had to use the whole bottle on myself.” You slump in your chair, “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

“Put your astromech in charge of the ship and come with me.”

“You’re going to play doctor, aren’t you? And not in a fun way.” Still you transfer controls of the ship to your droid, and you heft yourself out of your seat to follow him towards the back of the ship.

“Where are you hurt?” Mij asks.

“Really, I’m fine. You don’t have to-”

He shoots you a look, and you sigh deeply. Carefully, very carefully, you peel your shirt off, revealing a swathe of bandages covering the majority of your abdomen and chest.

“Kriff,” Mij kneels, and starts to gently unwrap your bandages, “What happened?”

“Trandoshan bounty hunters happened,” You wince as the bandages pull painfully, “That hurts, Mij.”

He sets the bandages to the side, and carefully examines your injuries, “Well, it’s a good thing you turned down that modeling gig, because these are definitely going to scar.”

You tense, “Right. Because scars are unattractive.”

His fingers are cool against the hot skin around the deep gashes, “I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.” You mumble in return.

“You think I’m that shallow?” He asks, not offended at all as he carefully examines the injuries.

“I think you already don’t think I’m pleasing to look at and the scars won’t help.” You grumble, releasing a low hiss as he presses against a particularly painful spot.

“Who says that I don’t like looking at you?” Mij asks, genuinely startled as he pulls his hand away from your side.

“You don’t respond to my flirting. Like, ever.” You point out.

“Yeah, well…I didn’t think you were serious about it.” Mij replies with a frown, “Also, these are infected, why didn’t you go to a clinic?”

“A clinic. In Hutt space?” You shoot him a look, “There are easier and less painful ways to kill myself.”

He makes a face, “Fine. I’ll just have to take care of you.” He guides you to lay back on the couch, his hands cool against your burning skin, “Kriff, sweetheart, you’re burning up.”

“I’ll be fine if I take some medicine,” You mumble.

“How long have you had a fever?”

“Um…three days? Four…maybe a week?” You admit.

“Cyare-”

“I know, I know. But like you said yourself, the Hutts have a problem with me. And then I heard your distress beacon and-”

He cups your face as he kneels next to you, “Ka’ra you’re such a pain sometimes.” He bitches, before he kisses your forehead, “I’m going to take care of you.”

“You don’t have to. I don’t want to be a burden-”

“It’s not a burden. Not if it’s you. Not to me.” He pushes his fingers through his hair, “Right, no way around it, you’re coming to Kamino with me.”

“...yay?”

“You get to meet the kids, it’ll be great.”

“...what kids?” You sit up, “Mij, what kids?”

“You’ll see when we get there.” He pushes you back down, “I have to make a holo, you sleep.”

“You can’t just hijack the Red Robin-”

“I just did.” He slides his hands through your hair, “Sleep. I’ll take care of everything.”

And, because it’s him, because he’s never lied to you, you do.

[xbadgerbearx]

chapter 5: familiar

word count: 2.5k

Sonata in Darkness: [4] ... [6]

When Selina was done talking to Batman, you returned from the bathroom, took the contacts back and pocketed them. Selina’s face was hard to read.

“How do you know about this ‘bat signal?’”

You didn’t know how to respond for a second. “He showed me.”

“When.”

“…After I got done scouting the recycling plant.”

Selina let out a sigh and rolled her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? Are you hiding things from me?”

“What? No! Selina, I didn’t mean to—“

“To what? Make me worry? Not tell me the truth?”

“Okay,” you started. “I’m sorry I haven’t told you everything and for making you worry. To be honest, I was worried that you would have been mad about Batman. You don’t really seem to like him.”

“There’s hardly anything about him to like,” she huffed as a small smile crept onto her face. “Anyways, I know you didn’t really want to go, but now I guess you have to take me.”

“Why?”

“He wouldn’t tell me exactly where to meet him. All he said was, ‘The bat signal’ and that you knew how to get there.”

“I was barely there, he just told me to drop him off at the building it was in.”

“Well, that’s more knowledge than me, so I guess you’re coming.”

It scared you a little to see him. Batman almost died saving you. Nervously, you both got dressed in your suits again and shared a motorcycle to make it easier. Finding the elevator took longer than you thought, but seeing Batman’s silhouette along the tower’s edge was a pretty good indication that you were in the right spot. 

“Cat burglars pulling another score?” He was a little guarded.

“What?” Selina asked as you both pulled off your bike helmets. You stayed quiet and settled yourself a ways away from Batman. This was Selina’s situation; she was the one that wanted Batman’s help. 

The man lowered his voice and looked at you with a surprising softness. “Wasn’t sure I’d see you again.” You gave him an uneasy smile.

“I, uh, wasn’t sure you were alive,” you admitted. “I was worried about you…Scared, even.” Batman’s chest felt warm; ‘you worried about him?’

Selina was pacing back and forth, frustrated. “How could they do that to her? That piece of shit cop, Kenzie. Her body was in his car. I’m gonna find him and I’m gonna make him pay. You gonna help me?” 

“Help you?”

“Yeah. I thought you were ‘Vengeance.’”

“There’s no need.”

“What?” Selina looked pissed. “What do you mean there’s no need for vengeance? He killed—“

“—Because she’s not dead,” Batman revealed. You and Selina were stunned. “My sensors picked up a faint pulse on her. When I chased after Penguin, I had a… police friend tail Kenzie’s car. She’s in emergency care, somewhere safe and hidden.”

You couldn’t believe it. She was okay! Thankfully, Selina voiced your thoughts aloud. “Why didn’t you tell us?” Teary-eyed, she tried calming herself down.

“You didn’t think I tried? You’re not exactly the easiest to get in contact with.” You approached Batman and reached for his hand, but something within Batman quickly snapped and he snatched his hand away; his whole demeanor changed. It was as if he remembered something he was upset about. There was a beat of silence as Batman turned to you and got directly in your face, invading your space. “…was it worth it?”

“Excuse me?”

“Compromising yourself for money?” You didn’t know how to respond, but how dare he judge you for your actions. You needed that money and it sure as hell was gonna come from Oz one way or another. Selina joined you in glaring at him. “What’d you have to do to set up that score? How close did you have to get to Penguin? To Falcone—“

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” Selina barged, but Batman ignored her. He was slowly taking steps toward you, making you back away cautiously. 

“—there is some kind of relationship, right? Back in the club. Why would his behavior be like that to you? Why else would he bring you along to Mitchell’s funeral?” He was getting angry, and your anger morphed into fear. He stopped walking when your heels grazed the edge of the building—you had to hold onto his shoulder to keep from falling back but his composure didn’t change. “Did you do something for Falcone to owe you?” He was intimidating; he was scaring you.

Selina had enough. “He owes me!”

“Owes you?” Batman backed away from you and approached Selina. You shakily released a breath of air that you didn’t know you were holding.

“Yeah, and a lot more!”

“Oh really,” he smirked. “Why’s that?”

“You know what? I can’t even talk to you.” Selina turned for the elevator but Batman grabbed her arm.

“No! I want to know why a guy like Falcone would owe you anything—“

Selina shouted, “Because he’s my father!” You took your place beside Selina, making sure to avoid Batman’s eye contact. Selina calmed down. “My mother worked at the 44 Below…just like Anni,” she met your eyes. “…and just like her. She used to take me there when I was a little girl.”

“…to the club?” Batman’s demeanor had changed; he was softer.

“Yeah,” she continued. “I hid out in the dressing room while she worked. Used to see him there. He scared the shit outta me,” she whispered the last part. “I could never understand why he looked at me the way he did. Then one night, my mother told me who he was…” The man glanced at you before studying Selina. “When I was seven, my mother was murdered…strangled. They never found out who—probably some creep from the club. Anyway, social services came to take me away and he didn’t say a thing. Couldn’t even look at me.” She looked away briefly before meeting Batman’s eyes. “He owes me that money.”

Taking Selina’s hand into yours, you squeezed it affectionately. She squeezed back.

Batman was silent for a while, studying the both of you. “…I’m sorry. For what I said.”

“Ah, it’s alright,” she said. “You assume the worst in people—-but it’s not me you need to apologize to.” She squeezed your hand again before dropping it and taking a step back. You avoided Batman’s gaze.

“I’m… sorry. For everything.” Your eyes flickered to his before looking away again. “I keep assuming that—“

“‘’s alright,” you interrupted. You didn’t want to have this conversation. Not in front of Selina. “It’s like you both said, you ‘assume.’” You took a step closer to the man, not daring to go any closer after earlier. Batman closed the distance for you. “Who are you under there?” Your hand ventured to his mask, just barely hovering over his face. His hand took yours and pressed it against his cheek.

“Who am I?” His lip twitched up briefly, ghosting a smile. “I don’t even know your name.”

“I guess we both have some secrets,” you chuckled. “You hideously scarred behind that mask?”

“‘I guess we both have some secrets,’” he echoed softly. He smiled at you before you smiled back. Selina rejoined the conversation and your hand dropped.

“If we don’t stand up for people like Anni, no one will. All anyone cares about in this place are those… white, privileged assholes—the mayor, the commissioner, the D.A.—and now Thomas and Bruce Wayne. Far as I’m concerned, that psycho’s right to go after those creeps. I think you’d be on his side.”

Batman’s tone changed. Solemnly, he asked, “What do you mean, ‘Thomas and Bruce Wayne?’”

“What, you live in a cave?”

“The Riddler’s latest,” you informed. “It’s all about the Waynes.”

“Listen,” Selina interjected. “If I can find that dick bag Kenzie, will you help me? Please?”

Batman made no moves. Sliding your hands up his armor chest, you looked at him through your lashes. “Come on, Vengeance…please,” you whispered.

The man seemed to have an internal struggle and lost whatever battle he was waging. “…Just don’t make any moves without me, understand? This is all more dangerous than you know—“

Your hands slid from his chest to his face, bringing him down to meet you for a long kiss. He closed his eyes and subconsciously deepened it, moving his hand to grip your waist. His lips moved to follow yours as you broke it and backed away, but he caught himself. “Don’t worry, baby,” you grabbed Selina’s hand and made your way into the elevator. “We can handle ourselves.”

He stayed staring at the elevator for a very long time after you left.

The ride down the elevator was silent as you spent the ride reflecting over what happened the past few minutes. “I don’t know how, but you have that man wrapped around your finger,” Selina mused. It was an intriguing thought, but something else was bugging you…

How does he know that Falcone brought you to the mayor's funeral?

———————————————————————————————— 

Bruce Wayne was a complete wreck after watching the Riddler’s latest announcement. His father was a murderer? Why would Thomas Wayne ever go to Falcone? It didn’t make any sense; Bruce decided to go straight to the source. 

The ride to the club didn’t help soothe him, if anything it made him feel worse. He felt—and looked—absolutely pathetic. He was soaking wet from the rain. 

“Do you know who I am?” Bruce asked one of the twin bodyguards at the door.

“You’re Bruce Wayne,” he said in disbelief. 

“I wanna see Carmine Falcone.”

The door shut on his face and stayed closed for a while. Bruce had a slight shake to him; he didn’t know if it was from the cold or his unstable emotions. 

The door opened to reveal both twins. “See?” The other twin scoffed, but he seemed impressed. The pair guided Bruce to the elevator that would take him to where Falcone currently was. 

When the elevator opened up, soft jazz music could be heard while the sound of billiard balls clattering together over a game of pool. The lights were dim, giving the illusion of a relaxing ambience. He picked up on some of the conversation as he made his way into the room.

“Briscoe, do you know how much this sweater cost?”

“No, boss.”

“$1,183. You know why communism failed, right?”

“No, boss.”

“Austerity.” The men laughed but there was a quiet, feminine giggle among them. Bruce saw you sitting on the side of the pool table, dolled up next to Falcone, holding a tray of drinks and cigars. He sloppily brushed the hair in front of his face to the side, trying to hastily improve his appearance. He didn’t think you’d be here.  Everyone in the room stared at the intruder, the soothing atmosphere diminishing slightly. 

“Hey, Johnny Slick,” Oswald greeted, trying to size him up. “What’re you doin’ here?”

“Give us a moment here, fellas,” Carmine ordered. You looked at Falcone and Bruce, giving them both a smile.

“Come on,” Oz ordered the men as he lent you a hand so you could slide off the table. “See ya, Champ,” Oz said. You brushed your hand against Bruce’s shoulder as you walked past; his eyes followed you intently until you left the room. 

“Have a seat,” Carmine said. “I thought I might hear from you. This, uh, Riddler sonuvabitch is really stirring things up, huh?” He hit a billiard ball. 

“Is it true?”

“What? That reporter business? What do you wanna know here, kid?”

“Did you kill him? For my father?” 

“Look, your father was in trouble. This reporter had some dirt. Some very…personal stuff about your mother—her family history. He didn’t want any of that coming out, not before the election. Your father tried to pay the guy, but he wasn’t goin’ for it. So he came to me,” he admitted. “I never seen him like that. He said, ‘Carmine, I want you to put the fear of God in this guy.’ And when fear isn’t enough…” Carmine trailed off.

Bruce had a strange look to him; he was very unnerved—disturbed—frightened? He didn’t know, but there was a certain disconnect to him.

Carmine continued, “Your father wanted me to handle it, so I did. I handled it.” Bruce couldn’t get any words out, he felt something in his throat. “I know,” Carmine said with faux sympathy. “You thought your father was a Boy Scout. But you’d be surprised what even a good man like him is capable of in the right situation. Do me a favor, don’t lose any sleep over it. This reporter was on Maroni’s payroll—he got what was comin’ to him.”

Bruce’s throat bobbed as he choked out, “Maroni?”

“Oh yeah, he could never stand that your father and I had history. And after what happened with that reporter, he was worried that your father would be in my pocket. Forever.” Carmine stopped playing pool and approached Bruce. “He would have done anything to keep him from becoming mayor. You understand?”

Bruce lip twitched. “Are you saying…Salvator Maroni got my father killed?”

“Do I know it for a fact?” Falcone shrugged. “I’m just saying, it sure looked that way to me.” He decided to egg Bruce on, truly loving how undone the man in front of him was becoming. “This is what you wanted, huh? This little conversation here? It’s been a long time coming.” Carmine rested a hand on his shoulder. Whether it was for comfort or mockery, Bruce didn’t know. “I mean, you ain’t a kid no more. Now come on.” Carmine led Bruce to the elevator. “Unless you want anything else, I suggest you go home. Try not to let this get in your head.” Bruce wordlessly followed his order. 

When the elevator opened up, all the men that were previously with Falcone were waiting by the door. The guys all had snide faces and laughed as they brushed past him, going back onto the elevator to see Carmine. You were the only one that stayed behind. He stared at you, waiting.

“I’m..sorry,” you told him. “I saw the news. I can’t imagine how you feel.” Bruce gave a slight nod, not exactly sure on how to respond. “I heard that the Riddler targeted you. Wayne tower was smoking for quite some time—you’re lucky.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Lucky.” He looked at you as if he was a lost boy. Choking out a dry laugh and brushing his hair back, he said, “God, you must think I’m such a mess.”

“Hey,” you grabbed ahold of his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. “I don’t know what Carmine said, but don’t let him get inside your head. Trust me, I’d know.” Bruce squeezed your hand back. “If you need anything, and I mean it, don’t hesitate to reach out. I know we haven’t known each other long—“ Bruce’s lips burned at the thought of your searing kiss, ”—but I care about you.” He tilted his head inquisitively, curious. “You remind me of someone I know,” you admitted, your face feeling a little warm. You wrote your number on a notepad, like he did for you back at the church, and gave it to him.

“Thank you,” he said after a while. You gave him a parting smile before you passed him, walking away from the elevator and into the club.

Bruce had much to do when he got back to Wayne Tower. 

[normaltothemax]

Reassurance Starters '' come home.'' (jason m&m verse)

He’d fucked up. Shit, had he ever fucked up.

There’d been a trafficking ring, assholes taking kids off the streets thinking no one would miss them. They’d been laughing about their cries, their screams, had been talking about them like they were meat, products to be used, and the Pit had surged up unexpectedly. Made him see green, made him lose control.

Everyone in the warehouse was dead. Laying in pools of their own blood. He’d shot them all. All except for one; the one that rested in a bloody pulp at his feet. That one had been making the worst of the comments, the most disgusting, had gone on and on about his experiences with those little girls and boys. That one, Jason had made it personal. Used his hands. Beat his face in with his fists until there was nothing recognizable left. His blood dripped from Jason’s gloves where he stood, staring blankly down at what remained of the man.

He barely even remembered what’d happened, felt disconnected, like he was reliving the events through a green haze. But he’d done this, he knew he did. He’d killed them all.

Everyone was dead except for Dean and him.

Dean who was urging him to come back to the cabin. To come home, despite how badly he’d fucked everything up. He’d been doing so well, too. Had been almost completely non-lethal lately, only putting down the completely irredeemable, and even then, with just a bullet between the eyes. There’d been no drawing it out, no making a scene, no making a mess.

His hands trembled slightly at his sides, expression hidden behind his helmet. “I…” He glanced down at where that man’s face used to be. “Shit, I didn’t…” Batman was going to be pissed. Hell, Dick would be too, he was sure. He clenched his hands into fists to stop the shaking, looked back at Dean. “How’d you know I was here?”

@therebetterbepie (x)

[phonkscribes]

Like a shadow.

You’re enigmatic, even to Captain Wesker. There isn’t much that people know about you, aside from your job and how well you’re able to perform it. As Alpha team’s reconnaissance specialist, you have quite the knack for traveling undetected, your presence being perfectly… which has some problems of its own some times.

Headcanons for a sneaky S.T.A.R.S agent. Part 1

Brad

You find his reactions to discovering you’re there and waiting to be the most entertaining.

He screams, jumps, and tries to act like you didn’t scare the life out of him.

“(Y/N)! Didn’t see ya there… haha..”

“Most don’t before it’s too late”

“What?”

Your smile after saying something like that unnerves him a little.

You remind him of Batman, especially when you disappear after looking away for two seconds.

The longer you work with Brad, the more used to it he becomes so he doesn’t shriek when seeing you in spots he would’ve normally not expected to see you in.

Everyone else might get startled still, so he’s proud being one of the few that have stopped jolting when you make yourself known.

If he spots you before you can surprise him, he’s super proud of himself. Not that you’re doing it intentionally anymore

When he’s alone, he knows that he’s never really because he thinks that you might be there, looking out for him

He’s started to talk aloud on his lunch breaks if he’s not eating with Jill or Chris and the others.

Some might find it weird, but that’s because they don’t know you’re there.

You don’t have to say anything, you just being there is enough. Though when you do approach, he knows that his secrets and fears are safe with you.

Joseph

He’s really curious about you, given that you’re a little too good at what you do and your vague answers piss him off.

As the Omni man of Alpha team, he kind of uses you as a point to strengthen his senses so that he doesn’t get snuck up on.

This fails because he’s constantly anticipating you to appear, so he’s a little peeved when you don’t.

Finally when he lowers his guard is when you happen to strike, a little bit on purpose and because you had to deliver papers from your captain to him.

“Frost. Got somethin’ for ya”, there’s a cheeky smile on your face, as small as it is, but it still manages to piss him off.

“GAH! How the hell do you do that anyways?! God, it’s friggin’ creepy man…”

“I could teach ya… after you get these assignments done”

He’d brighten up at that, but still be pouting at your sudden appearance when he didn’t expect you to approach him from wherever you did.

You were serious about it, and so after hours, you give him the artful guide to sneaking around like a ninja. It’s all in the weight of your feet and breathing through the nose.

Of course, he’s not the most patient man in the world, just a jack of all trades. So when he tries to pull his pranks on Chris or Brad from what you’ve shown him, he can’t help but get the feeling that you lied somehow.

“It’s what I’m good at. Like how you’re good at handling dangerous things and doing magic”

“Yeah but… how’d you get so good at it? What’d you do before coming here?”

“Legally I’m not allowed to tell you”, and it has him wringing the red bandana around his head.

You weren’t being fair at all, but… that’s what made you so interesting. He just had to know more.

Barry

The weapon specialist is the only person who knew of you prior to joining S.T.A.R.S.

Just like him, you’re ex-military, which he was able to vouch to Wesker when he had asked about you from what little your file spoke of you.

He’s had the pleasure of sparring with you a couple of times, impressed by how quickly you were able to move around on the mat.

Agile like a snake, crouched and waiting for an opening, he could hardly say he wasn’t stunned when he found his ass on the floor with you standing over him.

At the very least, he wouldn’t have to look after you like he felt he had to with Chris sometimes. You were very capable, and the rumors he’d heard floating around you only seemed to be nothing but the truth.

The second time you startled him, he nearly had a heart attack and warned you not to do that again

Him and Captain Wesker are spared from your silent approach, which he’s glad that you weren’t troublesome like a few of your other peers.

You seek him out for custom weapons since you know he’s pals with the gun shop owner downtown, since you know that he knows he’ll hook you up.

You don’t ask for much else, but he wouldn’t mind if you wanted to share a beer or something.

He wants to know who you are when you aren’t creeping around or doing recon work.

When you decline, he isn’t too surprised, but he won’t give up on you yet.

“Maybe some other time, Burton”, you reply with a shrug, he insists that you call him Barry.

[endiness]

the batman lb

~

okay, i guess i'll reserve my commentary to a lb now instead of spamming.

when is a batman property gonna be brave enough to make alfred posh again. bruce pulling the "you're not my real dad" card on alfred. like, legitimately, is this supposed to be a comedy. how did people watch this in theatres and not crack the FUCK up, it is beyond me.

you have THREE hours. why are you speedrunning the cypher. like, why is this so fast paced? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE REST OF THE TIME IN THIS MOVIE IF THIS IS HOW YOU'RE SPENDING IT NOW. I AM CONCERNED. when this movie isn't unintentionally funny, it's just boring. i mean, why else would you just take a thumb? obvs it would be used to unlock something, duh. also, like, what'd you think was gonna happen putting that mystery usb into your computer? maybe put it into a burner with no personal information and network connection on it next time, maybe.

WHY'D YOU MAKE HIS BOOTS SO STUPIDLY STOMPY. IT SOUNDS FUCKING DUMB. also it just makes me think clang, clang, thunk, scrape. it'd be funnier if this were some bdsm club and then batman would come in and nobody would bat (hehe) an eyelash at his outfit choice. HEY, GUYS, DID YOU KNOW THIS CHICK IS CATWOMAN? LOOK AT ALL THE CATS. DO YA GET IT? DO YA GET IT??? everything about this batcat scene is bad and dumb. also, they don't have chemistry.

why is the place SO destroyed. there's TOO MUCH evidence. it's the riddler? are sure? are you sure you aren't mr jigsaw man? are you really certain? LMAO IT'S LITERALLY JUST JIGSAW THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS MOVIE IS PLAYED COMPLETELY STRAIGHT. "you got a lot of cats." yeah, duh, bruce. how else would we know she's catwoman. the audience is completely stupid and has to have everything spelled out to them, don't you know anything? (the sad thing is that's true. people ARE that stupid these days. ugh, why'd y'all have to ruin it for the rest of us with brains.)

"they injected him with arsenic." "rat poison." also known as: poison. "what kind of demented sob does this to a person?" jigsaw! :) oh sorry, did you want me to say riddler? but i don't see him anywhere 🤷‍ anyway, remember when jim carrey was riddler. that was at least fun, wasn't it. the complete lack of batcat chemistry lmao. I'M NOT EVEN AN HOUR INTO THIS MOVIE 😭 hey, y'know what makes up for a total lack of chemistry? the old bickering married couple trope, especially for characters that've known each other for like 5 seconds. jk, that's bad. don’t do that. selina would be more interesting if she were just her own character and not selina or catwoman and also if this movie would let her exclusively be about her friend and not, like, batcat nonsense.

when the riddler isn't jigsaw'ing it up he's brainy'ing it up. (y'know, brainy. from hey arnold.) the riddler just blunt force trauma'ing all his victims is so funny. like, i've watched criminal minds. i know that means you're just a coward. especially since you have to get them all when their backs are turned. coward. like, legit, are you supposed to find the riddler in this intimidating? because he isn't. he's funny when he's lurking behind people as if that's somehow supposed to be scary when it isn't, and he's hilarious when he's smashing people's heads in because he must have so non-existent self-esteem that's the only way he feels comfortable enough to attack people, and then he's also funny when he's trying to be the riddler because you're actually just coming up with saw traps. I'M STILL NOT EVEN AN HOUR INTO THIS MOVIE.

oh yay, forcing this batcat narrative despite them having no chemistry. and selina genuinely being a better character far, far away from him. also, you have to keep up appearances beCAUSE YOU NEED A COVER STORY, YOU BAFOON. joker did everything about this better. full offense but pattinson's bruce sucks. he's so boring and awkward. and like, not in a good way like how bruce should be. 'cause he should be a lil awkward. but he should at least be able to FAKE being mr eligible bachelor man, if literally only for appearance and cover's story sake. the bruce in this feels like everybody interviewed about him after he has been convicted of being batman would go "yeah, that kid was always a fuckin' weirdo, i ain't surprised at all." JOKER DID EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS BETTER, FFS.

i'd get out of there. a smart person would've made that car a bomb. i guess making the person inside of it is the same thing. this is so fucking boring, honestly. 🙄 AND I'VE STILL 2 HOURS LEFT. clang, clang, thunk, scrapeeeee. batman has come to uh... untape. that man's mouth. "*heavy breathing*" IT'S BRAINY, Y'ALL! no, you're nygma. e nygma. edward nygma. lmao, joker did all of this so much better. this movie is SO embarrassing. really, i'd have thought since you were a child, you loved the saw movie franchise. 🤷‍ bruce, i don't think you're supposed to be helping him cheat. but is riddler gonna call you out or. is that gonna happen when you get to the third one and bruce has answered them all for you. oh, that didn't happen. lame.

the idea that batman would somehow survive a point blank explosion to his face when it took off the other guy's head who he was literally right next to when the bomb exploded... now you've broken my immersion on top of everything else. if you're going to be afraid of somebody high up on the food chain in a corrupt justice system, i'd think you've be afraid of like... the mayor? not whoever the fuck that guy is. OHMYGOD, JIM IS FAKING INTERROGATING BATMAN????? WHO??? COULD HAVE FORSEEN??? THIS??????? does the movie think this looks cool? i hope it knows it looks lame.

somebody add that whip noise effect for how often this scene is switching between coverage of bruce and jim lmao. why doesn't batman just upload all of this evidence to like tiktok or something. modern day technology exists in this iteration. he's actually being extremely ineffective as batman by not doing that. STOP PRETENDING THAT BATCAT IN THIS HAVE CHEMISTRY. THEY DON'T. shouldn't bruce be like brain dead with how many successive concussions that he's had at this point. bruce revving his engine like this is somehow supposed to be intimidating... embarrassing. i must have THE most bored expression on my face watching this chase scene. LOOK IT'S THE SCENE FROM HEAVY RAIN! how does this scene have any stakes. did anybody watch this and care about what was happening. i mean i guess now there's stakes that poor innocent people are being sucked in this clusterfuck lol. but i mean for the main characters? eh, who cares. oh look the car is flipping, you can tell because it's that shot of the stuff in the car goin’ nuts. LOOK HOW COOL BATMAN LOOKS UPSIDE DOWN IN THE RAIN WITH THE FIRE AND HIS STOMPY STOMPY BOOTS. HE'S SUPER COOL, RIGHT GUYS? AND WITH THE SUPER COOL MUSIC PLAYING? WE MADE A GOOD MOVIE, RIGHT? that's what i assume the people who made this movie were thinking.

when i can even take them saying the riddler seriously i just hear method man saying the riddler. *takes a 3min dance break for the song* i'm not joking, i took a break to listen that song. OH THANK CHRIST. i am halfway through this movie. THE EVIL IS 50% DEFEATED. 🎶 THE RIDDLAR 🎶 this movie is soooooo bad lol. i mean el also means god. is that gonna be a thing lol. remember when jon glover voiced the riddler. that was fun, wasn't it? remember when lost did this bit with the old school technology? that was fun, wasn't it? THE TOWER? THE TOWER THAT JEREMIAH DESIGNED? is that what you're talking about? okay, but fr, why is there an HOUR AND A HALF OF THIS MOVIE LEFT.

ohno, bruce, you've put alfred in danger by existing AND after you've already pulled the "you're not my dad" card on him. that's sad, huh. "i'm afraid it already has, sir." dory is hilarious. unintentionally. please explain how alfred is doing so poorly despite at least THROWING THE BOMB AWAY FROM HIM but meanwhile bruce survived a fucking point blank explosion. POINT BLANK. LITERALLY RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HIM. like, you can either have realism or fantastical. YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH SOMETIMES AND OTHER TIMES NOT. every time this movie thinks it's being cool my eyes just roll. 🙄

THEY DON'T HAVE CHEMISTRY. STOP. everything about this is getting lamer and lamer 🙄 THERE'S STILL OVER AN HOUR LEFT. i mean, the joker also thought bruce's parents were his when they weren't. did you get a dna test done or. why's it so laaaaaaaaaame. why are they kissing. this doesn't make sense. ugH. now, you could make this acceptable if she stole shit off of him.

"martha was in and out of asylums" joker!martha canon??? okay. i highly dislike this version of bruce. he is just *sad trombone noise* i don't want *sad trombone noise* for a bruce. ...didn't i play this scene in a batman game or something. why is the plot for this just jumping everywhereeeeeeeee. *sad trombone noise* is so boring. all of the wayne manor designs (sans gotham) have been bad since 90s batman ended. 💅 bruh, he just woke up. calm down. what, you did nothing for your mom? RUDE. ....i miss when alfred got to be posh. i do not accept any of you non-posh alfreds. 🙈 this scene is so touching. is what somebody would say who is possibly easily manipulated i guess. not me though.

i just. do not like this selina. there are only two selina's for me and they are from batman returns and btas. why would you do this plot and make everything so boring when you could've just done white knight. except whoever made this would've just made that boring too. "come on, vengeance." pls stop. literally every time this movie is like look how cool this is, it's just the lamest shit ever.

now it's like you're trying to copy batman returns but like. you have to know batman returns did it better, right. right. if all of you stopped monologuing, you'd solve all of your problems. like, at all. instead of not at all. omg, she scratched him. like a cat. get it. 'cause she's catwoman. GET IT. DO YOU GET IT. everything about this is just the lamest. i mean, batman's secretly recording everything he sees and hears so perhaps not. THERE'S STILL ALMOST A FUCKING HOUR LEFT.

i was going to make a joke about the riddler sniping falcone but i guss it wasn't a joke, huh. i hope it is the riddler who shot him because that makes actually no fucking sense whatsoever. so it's perfect for this movie! remember how fun the riddler's place was in batman forever and they played bad days by the flaming lips? that was fun, wasn't it? ohmygod, is he drawing a question mark in his cappuccino or whatever. because that'd just be. so clever of this movie. so clever and creative. i am not at all being sarcastic. IT'S THE ONE THAT SAYS E NYGMA. AS IN NYGMA. EDWARD NYGMA. oh, movie, you're just oh so creative and clever to have him draw a question mark in his coffee. i'm so super duper impressed by you and your storytelling skills!

no, his name is edward nygma. "suffocating my mind no escape" yeah yeah cut my life into pizza, we get it. "he's got like 500 followers." i have a lot more followers than that. on tumblr. tumblr. wow, is it: I'M GONNA SAY WHO BATMAN IS. i, for one, would gladly have this be the end of THE batman. 'cause this movie is bad and you're a bad lame-o batman, full offense.

...is that collar a joke, because you could easily slip it over your head. like, it's much larger than his head. okay, so on top of being jigsaw and brainy, he's also literally just stanley coleman too? dumb. man, you know things in places like this are recorded, right? or did you stop the cameras? kinda looks like they're still recording so uh, you're kinda already fucked. where's the joker to pop in a bitchslap the fuck out of riddler and be like "WE ALL KNOW HE'S BRUCE, YOU MORON. YOU'RE RUINING THE GAME WITH BATMAN FOR THE REST OF US." the joker did this way better. 🙄 WHY THE FUCK IS THERE STILL OVER 30 MINS OF THIS MOVIE LEFT. why'd people give joker so much shit when this movie and character exists lol. bruh, are you faking this or like everything in this movie: is this supposed to be unironically played straight. let's fast forward outta this scene already pls.

i am at the point where if i could run this movie at 2x speed, i would be already. alas, i cannot. now you're just stealing from jeremiah and gotham. LAME. literally every single thing this movie is copying... everything else did it better lol. jeremiah already did this and he's so much cooler this is so unfair 😤 LITERALLY GOTHAM ALREADY DID THIS AND IT WAS SO MUCH COOLER UGH. also, like, year one/zero year was the inspiration for both, right. BUT GOTHAM LEGITIMATELY DID THIS BETTER AND COOLER.

ohno, the dumbass mayor who thinks she knows better than everyone else got shot. how terrible. also, i totally have emotional investment in all of this characters and not. literally none. oh yay, it's the look how cool batman is fight scenes. yay. waiting for the moment when batman gets saved by catwoman 'cause this is super lame and that's one of the lamest things that could happen. oh i'm sub 30 mins, yay! this random villain taking for fucking ever to just shoot batman when he could've just shot him. lame. also, hey, catwoman stopped him and saved batman. who could have forseen this totally not lame turn of events.

remember when the joker and batman were bleeding out and their blood was making a broken heart on the ground. anyway, that was more romantic than this nonsense. so now he's just using magic juice to pump himself up? lmao. what even is this. "i'm vengeance." yeah, it sounds lame af doesn't it. i know that's not the real reason. but it should be. isn't the entire city there getting deded lol. LMAO ARE YOU FOR REAL. THIS IS SO FUCKING LAME. like, your epic "oh batman dies" moment is him being a fucking moron and cutting an electrical wire to stop it from electrocuting people except THEN you fucking chicken out and don't even have him die (or ‘die’)? EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOT IT AS A DEATH SCENE MOMENT. HOW MUCH FUCKING LAMER CAN THIS MOVIE GET, JESUS. all tea all shade all offense but batfleck did this better. look at how ~emotional and ~moving this scene is. totally not schlocky as hell. wait, was that the dumbass mayor who's there? who got shot? bitch, you're gonna die in those waters. your wound is getting super infected. that's sad huh.

OH YAY THE EMO MUSIC STARTS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO COME ON WE'VE RETURNED TO THE RORSCHACH VOICE OVER NARRATIONS?????????? THIS IS SO SAD FOR YOU. I'M SO EMBARRASSED FOR YOU. THIS IS REALLY PATHETIC, Y'ALL. ugh, when is this gonna be over. somebody soundproof the riddler's cell. YOU CAN'T SUCK ME IN WITH BATJOKES. I WON'T FALL FOR THIS. is this how it's gonna end. on them. having no chemistry.  "you're already spoken for." YEAH, BY THE JOKER. i mean, not this batman. he's *sad trombone noise* and deserves no jokers. but like, batmans in general. they are all spoken for. (by the joker.) all you have to do is end the movie and you're still making it lame. YAY, IT'S OVER. I'M FREE. anyway, gotham did all of this, everything in this movie, but better. go watch gotham. 💅