#“Ooooh he’s evil and hates his brother and wants to take over the world or whatever the fuck’’ its so *screams of the damned*

[crystalbeastsquidney]

Wish I was more eloquent to make this post, but It continues to infuriate me how mortal kombat as a franchise has completely fumbled the bag on recognizing Bi-Han as the immense, gut wrenching point of tragedy that he should be. 

By all accounts, he’s someone who's been denied any real semblance of meaningful choice throughout his entire life. He’s someone that was kidnapped as a child by what is ostensibly a cult, and made to do their bidding lest he be killed or worse. Then he’s murdered only to be denied freedom in death.

I think it’s in the original game’s endings where he mentions intending to leave, but then that brings to mind the question of why hasn't he done so sooner? He’s certainly capable enough to do so, even with the threat of being hunted down by the Lin Kuei for abandoning them. Did he stay for Kuai Liang? Could he even stomach the mere idea of leaving him behind? Was he afraid to risk his safety in either case; that he would die too if they left together, or that he’d be used as a bargaining chip to claw Bi-Han back if he went alone.

Do you think it ate at him knowing he was the only thing standing between Kuai Liang and the full brunt of the Lin Kuei’s manipulation and coercion? That for the longest time he was one of the only sources of genuine love and kindness in his life? 

Do you think the Grandmaster held that over his head? 

Maybe that’s why it was him chosen to retrieve the map of elements and later Shinnok’s amulet, he was the best they had because he couldn’t afford to not be.

And even then, when he did get a chance, and chose to do the right thing by stopping Shinnok and Quan Chi, he’s punished for it. A man already denied so much of his autonomy has it stripped further away until he’s nothing more than a mindless pawn. Further still, I have to wonder, was his line to Kuai Liang in mk9; that they share blood, but are not brothers, another layer of Quan Chi’s twisting of his mind to his own means—to drive a wedge between him the brother he held on for, the one person he knew truly cared—to twist the knife further for daring to delay his and Shinnok’s plans? Noob Saibot’s too cartoonish, often too over the top, practically intoxicated in how evil he is (or at least that's how his writing comes off) to be a genuine expression of Bi-Han. I wonder if some semblance of him remains trapped and vaguely conscious under that dark veneer, forced to watch himself lose what little he had left.

And even if he had survived, then what? He likely would’ve been cyberized as well, probably even killed like nearly everyone else in mk9, and turned into one of Quan Chi’s undead lackeys anyhow. It’s as if fate (doylist: I know it’s the writers…) won’t let him simply be… him.

I’d bet that when Kuai Liang remade the Lin Kuei after destroying the cyber initiative, he wanted it to be something that—if he could be so fortunate as to have his brother back—was kind enough for Bi-Han to truly call home.

[bellatrixxue]

Xue’s Supernatural Dare: Wendigo (S1 EP2)

Hello, everyone? How did everyone feel about the finale? Yes? Yes? Oh. Oh. Oh my. Oh, dear.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell that half-assed homophobic chicken-shit fuckbucket’s not gonna stop me, since I strapped myself onto this roller coaster already and I promised I’m not getting out until the ride’s over, so here we go, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Also, those who are in this roller coaster with me, ready? Tag list is: @fangirlxwritesx67​ @amazingiam00​ @kalliravenne​ @indecisive20something​ @2musiclover2​ @impossibletosleepthrough @there-must-be-a-lock​ @wingedcatninja​ @arvit​

Oh my gods this recap is so cheesy I actually can make a fondue out of it. 2000s, everybody!

A WHOLE MINUTE AND A HALF FOR THAT FONDUE

FUCKJUMPSCARETITLEFUCKYOU

So we’re starting the episode with the murder scene first, eh? Is that gonna be a trend?

Oh come on, Chads, you’re out in nature and you’re playing video games? Absorb the nature...before it absorbs you!

Waitwait. Holy shit is that...is that Cory Monteith? Oh, bless his soul...

If the wendigo eats his dick as he’s peeing I’m immediately giving Jensen Ackles $100. For no real reason, I just feel like giving him money for already carrying the show on his back.

I can’t tell if it did or not, so I’m not paying yet.

Aw, Sammy...

"I should have told you the truth.” *Vine voice* BUT YOU DIDN’T

FUCKYOUINTHEASSHOhnightmare. Nightmare. So did he visit her at her grave or not? I need answers.

A week? Goddamn. Poor thing. That man-eating tree’s fucking good at his job, man.

“There’s nothing there, it’s just...woods,” Sam, I don’t know if Jess’s death hit you hard or if you got into law school by eating some ancient dick and/or pussy instead of earning that high score fair and square, but the woods “in the middle of nowhere” (your words) are known to be one of the top places full of weird-ass creatures. Even kindergartners know that.

Ehehehehehehehehe he’s so smol next to his lil bro my lil shit

At least you’re coming up with decent covers this time. No Agent Mulder and Scully ruining things for you this time around.

“Bull” oop-

Oh Dean’s a smoooooooooth operator. Good going, buddy.

AND HE GOT A COPY OF THAT DOCUMENT TEAM DEAN TEAM DEAN

Oh that death really got to Sam. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be a trigger-happy psycho. Or eat the man-eating tree and become one himself.

Oh, Haley’s a cutie! Which one’s her brother? Cory? Discount Enrique Iglesias?

Do you have a card for EVERY profession, Dean? And how do I get them too?

That is a very pretty car. I bet they wasted half the budget on that thing.

Okay, sonny boy, little bro, Broseidon, calm down.

Ah, fuck, Haley and Broseidon is gonna go into the woods, that’s more heads to worry about.

How the fuck does Sam find information this fast? I’m impressed, I take five hours to get to one article for my research paper. Or maybe I’m just lazy. So he really earned his law school interview without having to eat dick and pussy, huh.

Every 23 years? What is this, Pennywise? Are we going to see the wendigo do his best Tim Curry do his best scary clown impression? Honk honk?

“Whatever that thing is, it can move.” And the sun rises on the East, Sammy. Why are you so smart and dumb at the same time? Is this his character trait? It might grow on me.

Ahhh, so Sam’s go-to move at interrogation is doing puppy dog eyes and sympathize with the person. He’d make a good lawyer, shame that man-eating tree.

Go Grandpa Exposition, go!

Go Grandpa Exposition, go, give us information and none at all!

OH GEEZ THAT SCAR. PENNYWISE WENDIGO IS VICIOUS.

Skinwalker, Back Dog...Ooh, those all sound cool! I hope we get to see them soon!

‘Corporeal’ doesn’t sound like a real word, but then again, English doesn’t sound like a real language. Sorry. Moving on.

Sam’s gonna eat the wendigo with that attitude, Jesus Christ.

AND HIS BROTHER, AT THIS RATE. If the real villain turns out to be inside Sam all along I’m gonna flip. Is that why women keep dying and burning on ceilings where he sleeps? Is he secretly Lucifer’s spawn or something?

“Oh sweetheart I don’t wear shorts”. They queer-coded him from the start and they tried to make you believe he was straight for fifteen seasons straight? And some people bought that?

Oh, crap, another crappy death treatment for Cory before he got into Glee...No, I wasn’t into Glee, I just watched a few episodes and I might hate Rachel Berry...And Lea Michele...ahem...

Dean is totally flirting with Roy shut upppppppp

OOP AND THERE ROY GOES OH THE SEXUAL TENSION IS HIGH IN THESE WOODS TODAY

“It’s probably the most honest I’ve been with a woman. Ever.” See. Bi. Bi bi bi.

So...why the coordinates, Daddy Negan? Is this a portal to Hell? A place where man-eating trees grow?

*carefully places death flag on Roy*

Ooooh the campsite is very...haunted house-y. You know what I’m saying?

That’s not Discount Enrique Iglesias, but Pennywise wendigo, yes? Those things can mimic human voices, right?

*Google searches*...There are so many versions of this tale I can’t even confirm or deny it. Dammit.

Maybe Pennywise wendigo just wants some snacks and a nice phone and GPS? Maybe he misses his family in uh, Canada or something?

Daddy Negan’s journal is  a e s t h e t i q u e .

I’m so sorry, but the way Sammy smirks as he speaks with those dark, dark voids for eyes? My boy’s a demon. He’s a demon, I’m telling you.

At least Haley has some sense to her. *puts another death flag on Roy*

*PUTS YET ANOTHER DEATH FLAG ON ROY*

True, that. What the heck is Daddy Negan up to with all of this?

“Saving people, hunting things, the family business!” Okay, the way Dean said it gave me chills.

I can actually empathize with Sam here...As whiny and bitchy as he is, he has his reasons to be this way. I guess if I were in his shoes, I’d be less of a Dean and more of a Sam, too. We deal with our losses quite similarly.

Ah, the brotherly bonding moments like these little talks make the show worth it. It’s so heartwarming.

Pennywise wendigo! I didn’t miss you, why’re you here to burst my happy bubble?

I’m starting to see a slight parallel between Haley and Broseidon and Dean and Sammy. Hmm.

Nice meeting you, Roy. Zoop you go.

Haley and Broseidon are taking this rather well, I’m glad they do.

Okay, actual exposition time, thank you.

Whoa, Broseidon speaks! Donner Party! Please don’t remind me of that! Those poor people!

Hibernation and food storage. Delightful, just delightful.

TORCHING? *CALLS RAMMSTEIN*

Somehow, not being able to see the wendigo is scarier to me than what I will probably see itself. Limited budget horror can actually work well.

Oh, dear, Roy literally did a death drop. Badum tissssssssss.

FUCK IT TOOK DEAN THE ONLY CHARACTER I CARE ABOUImean I love you too, Sam! Come on, let’s find him before it’s too late!

A trail of M&Ms! Yes, Broseidon! And Hansel and Gretel refercalled it. Sammy, you and I share the same wavelength?

SHITSHITTHEYTRIPPEDANDFELLINTHEFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Thank the gods the Pennywise wendigo kept them right there. Chances.

DISCOUNT ENRIQUE IGLESIAS IS STILL ALIVE GEEZ BUT ALSO PHEW

Ah, Dean Winchester, I love you so much that I can’t even begin to describe it.

Also how convenient that the flare guns are there. Deus ex machina!

Haley would bode well as a hunter, look at her courage, her will. There are more hunters around than Daddy Negan and the brothers, right?

Yeah, seeing the actual wendigo makes me less scared of it now. It’s unnerving, but still.

TEAM DEAN YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW

Graphics are...alright, but it’s the thought that counts!

Running with the grizzly bear story. Smart Broseidon. Ben. Sorry, you deserve to be called by your real name. I think with practice they could become good hunters, along with their Discount Enrique Iglesias brother! Is there a fanfiction for that? Can I write it now?

...

I AM WILLING TO DIE TO PROTECT DEAN WINCHESTER I

Haley’s a lesbian, that’s why she kissed him on the cheek only. Headcanoned. Also I have a crush on her, she’s really pretty? Like? Heart eyes???

Ah, the siblings parallels again. Let’s hope neither of the two brothers end up in the bed like that.

“Man, I hate camping.” Really. Really really. Really.

“I’m driving”

...

SAM WINCHESTER I’M SORRY I EVER SPOKE ILL OF YOU I WILL PROTECT YOU WITH MY LIFE TOO I PROMISE YOU I WILL

It’s just a sassy bisexual brother and his little snide bisexual brother on the road to kill evil creatures and find their father and I love this show? Help? Help???

I really, really see the charm of Supernatural now! I’m fully invested in both brothers and their story, and I’m cheering them both on! Let’s get Daddy Negan back and get rid of that man-eating tree once and for all!

Six stars out of five!

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

This dare is introducing me to a whole new world, and I really, really am glad I took that jump a few days ago, man!

Thank you everyone for reading my ramblings, and I’ll see you in the day after with the next review! Thank you for sticking with me! Buh-bye!

- Xue

[bigskydreaming]

Shout out to that time in the preboot universe, when Lilith showed up to Donna’s wedding to the red-headed man she’d once prophesied Donna would marry and who would die horribly and thus is the reason Donna broke up with Roy originally, thinking the prophecy was about him, (its a long story, just go with it).....

.....and so then here’s Lilith just popping up at the Wedding of Doom she forewarned against, after being out of touch for ages, but she’s flying solo with no plus one and thus no sign of her caveman boyfriend Gnaark (its a long story, just go with it) and when all the other Titans were like hey wtf where’s Gnaark she was just like oh something terrible happened there but I don’t want to get into it now, its a wedding, cheers, because Lilith just does that, when she’s done talking she’s done talking lmao.....

....and then this winged angel named Azrael started popping up all the time and the other Titans are like wtf Lilith, is this dude stalking you, and she just casually waves them off and is like oh yeah, he’s been doing that for ages, he wants me to be his ‘mate’ or whatever, its this whole thing. Don’t worry about it though, its no big deal.’ Because again, Lilith’s just like that.

And then when Azrael keeps showing up Lilith starts glowing every time he’s near and turning into a combustion engine about to blow, and her teammates are like Lil, once again we are just here begging you to call this a big deal, this dude seems to be turning you into a human glowstick, but Lilith is just like omg stop being so dramatic, that has nothing to do with him even, I’ve been having those little ‘heat attacks’ for like years, and the Titans are like WTF LIL, WHY DID YOU NOT MENTION THIS BEFORE, and she’s just like ‘I forgot to okay, god, get off my ass already’ and she stormed off and dramatically quit the team with a huff and a “AND IM NEVER COMING BACK except for when I totally will cuz I already foresee this apocalypse we’re gonna have to prevent in like two years, so nobody take my room okay, thanks bye, and NO DICK, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE UPCOMING APOCALYPSE JEEZ I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT RIGHT NOW, I’LL GET TO IT WHEN I GET TO IT'’.....because I mean....Lilith. *shrugs*

And then she came back and joined the team during the Terror of Trigon storyline and she was all dramatic and prophesizing left and right except lol it wasn’t really Lil as she was possessed by a bajillion Azarath spirits who were like, hey we’re gonna hijack you to cleanse Raven of evil, sorry not sorry, but don’t worry, we’ll tidy up after ourselves before we leave’....

And then she got depossessed and Azrael starting popping up again and she starting doing her human glowstick thing again except this time with actual fire actually burning shit all around her, and Lilith’s like “okay, fine, I’m willing to concede now that this MIGHT be an issue,” and everyone’s like GEE YOU THINK???

And her ‘heat attacks’ were now big and noticeable enough that they eventually got the attention of Lilith’s birth mother, cuz Lilith had been adopted and found that out and started searching for her birth parents and answers about her powers and where she came from when she was like, thirteen (its a long story, just go with it), and so Lilith’s flame on moments finally caught her birth mother’s attention and she showed up and was like surprise, oh hey and also I’m the Greek Titan of the sun, who escaped from Tartarus awhile back and came up with this whole plan to get back at Zeus and the rest of those turds by making a secret weapon baby - that’s you hon, so proud of you - and yeah your dad was just this rich dude who had a company I wanted to take over, I just kinda incinerated him once I had you and didn’t need him anymore, sorry but its not a big loss he was kinda dull, you wouldn’t have liked him anyway, but also, then this random nurse kidnapped you and derailed my master plan of using a toddler Titan to topple the Olympians, but now I’ve found you and we can get right back to that, and that’s what you missed on Glee!’

Cue the rest of the Titans being like......ummm, we have some questions and also some concerns, but Lilith’s just like huh, so what you’re saying is I’m a divine celestial being? Huh, yeah that tracks. Okay, I believe you! But also I don’t like your plan and I think you kinda suck so I’m gonna like....not do that and instead help the gods defeat you again sorry not sorry but I mean yeah, I’m just not feeling it here, I don’t think this mother/daughter thing is gonna work out on account of the you sucking part.

So then that happened and then Zeus was like, hey we’re down a demigod, how would you like to be a goddess? And Lilith’s like yeah, that sounds good, I’m not busy right now. And the rest of the Titans are like umm, Lilith? The team? We do occasionally save the world and protect people and stuff? And she’s just like oh relax, you’ll be fine without me and I’ll be back in time to help out with that alien invasion in a couple years....and Dick’s like wait what, but Lilith’s already gone and getting her demigoddess on. Because, y’know. Its Lilith. She has her priorities figured out.

And then post-Crisis she eventually rejoins the team as the masked and mysterious figure Omen, who wouldn’t reveal her secret identity, because like, she’s Lilith, and she decided hey I’m just not gonna let the team know that its me and just like, idk see what happens. No particular reason.

Except then she’s abducted by this villain named Haze and she has to use her powers to summon the original Titans to free her, at which point her identity is revealed and she’s like yeah, surprise, it was me the whole time, and the Fab Five are all like WHAT THE HELL LILITH, and she’s like WHAT, I WAS BORED, LET ME HAVE HOBBIES.....and also at this time she and the Titans found out oh btw, turns out that whole backstory about you being the daughter of that Titan was a lie, we’re not really sure how that works but just FYI, you’re actually just the illegitimate daughter of this super rich tycoon, and also FYI, Haze is actually your half brother who hates you because of something to do with the dad you didn’t even know existed, soooooo....that’s a thing....

And then she goes back to the Titans for awhile, still as Omen but with everyone now knowing its her under the cloak and mask, the jig is up, Lilith’s like ugh, lame, now what am I supposed to do for fun. But then it also turned out that for some reason that was never actually made clear, now she also had telekinetic and illusion casting powers and she was like ooooh now these I can have fun with. Coincidentally, like, half the team decided now would be a good time to take a sabbatical and focus on their own cities.

And THEN she was kidnapped by Vandal Savage, who wanted to make her use her powers to divine the perfect lineup of bad guys to take down the Titans once and for all, and Lilith’s like ‘well shit, you got me, guess I gotta do what you want,’ except of course she purposely chooses villains she foresees the Titans beating, which they do of course, and then they beat Savage, and Lilith is just like, dude, I know I’m the only precog here, but how did you not see this coming, like seriously, what on earth made you think there was gonna be any other way this was gonna go? OMG you’re so stupid, what happened to all the smart villains, ugh even being kidnapped is boring now, lame.

And then she died, and like, never actually came back except as a spirit in one story and a Black Lantern in that Blackest Night event, and that sucked. But oh well.

Anyway, the point is I miss THAT Lilith, the unpredictable, whimsical, always dragging chaos in her wake and not giving a shit because look its not her fault Destiny is like totally obsessed with her....

She was just a guaranteed source of WTF and she did it all with unnecessary flair and drama and she was one hundred percent a primary reason Dick Grayson was destined to have gray hairs by the time he was thirty, but oh well, that was just the price of being friends and teammates with her, because Lilith was just...*sighs* she was just so Lilith.

That’s really the only way to sum her up. A dozen writers took her in a dozen different directions cuz they couldn’t decide what to do with her so she ended up doing everything and being extremely extra about it which really tied it all together and just made it a universal truth that when it comes to Lilith, don’t just expect the unexpected, like....just accept that with her anything is possible and plausible and the most random shit will end up connected to her and you just gotta roll with it, because that’s just how it goes with her.

[headoverjojo]

Ask box open? Ohmygosh, my patience has paid off!! 💕💕 Okay! Umm...Could I request hcs of La Squadra with an older Sister who is taller and physically stronger than them? She knows how dangerous and deadly they could be with their stands, but when it comes ti hand to hand combat she can whoop them no problem. And she embarrasses them sometimes when they give her some kind of attitude for treating them like kids, and she bonks them on the head very hard and fireman carries them into time out.

Hellooooo, darling!! Aaaaaa I’m happy to see you’re happy too ❤️❤️ Ooooh I loved this one!! I’m always soft for the squad and their family members :,) And so! Here we go! I hope you’ll like it :3

La Squadra di Esecuzione with an older sister who’s taller and physically stronger than them

(Under the cut for length!)

Risotto Nero

Risotto always deeply admired his big sister. She was strong, determined, and stubborn! She was also extremely fair, not holding back when she had to scold little Risotto when he was wrong; but, when he was right and she saw someone being rude to him, well… hell was unleashed. No one could dare to touch or be rude to her little brother! Risotto always watched to her and her example. He trained to be like her, he worked on himself to be as fair and charismatic as her… and it worked! Years later, his sister was proud of him. Yes, his profession wasn’t… common, but he never was an infamous man, even if he was the leader of a criminal team. He always had a certain honor, and she was still in his life… she couldn’t complain!

Even if she hadn’t red eyes or white hair, she was still as intimidating as her brother. She was really, really tall, even taller than him! And -and this was what impressed for real the other Squadra members- she wasn’t scared of Risotto, not even the slightest. She was maybe the only person in the world allowed to pinch his cheeks and to ruffle his hair. And, even if she was impressed and proud of his brother’s powerful stand, she wasn’t scared of it. Her brother wouldn’t have ever hurt her! As she wouldn’t have ever hurt him too.

While Risotto had the advantage of his stand, her sister had her strength on her side. It was almost impossible to believe -and Formaggio had to see it with his own eyes-, but Risotto’s sister was stronger than him when it came to hand-to-hand fights! Even after all those years, Risotto had still something to learn, and she was the only person he trusted to teach him some moves. Still, the sight of Risotto, that tower of muscles, whooped with easiness by a woman was incredible! Formaggio never told it to anyone -he was too scared to be whooped too-, but, oh, he surely never forgot it!

Even if he was the leader of the feared Squadra Esecuzioni, he was still her little brother, in her eyes. And she didn’t take well a certain attitude, even from him! Yes, a couple of times she accidentally was over affectionate while the others were present too, but this wasn’t enough to justify his grumbles and low complains! And, when she has had enough of his attitude, she gives him a little -for her standards- slap on the back of his head. Or, well, she did so until she accidentally hit him with too strength and launched his face right on the hard wood of his desk, making his nose bleed. From then on, no more slaps! Still, even those little accidents never made Risotto’s affection for her waver. He just loves his big sister!

Prosciutto

Prosciutto is the youngest kid from his family. He has four older sisters, but the one he loves the most is the youngest sister, who’s almost seven years older than him. While their parents were busy, she took care of him, passing him her same cockiness, stubbornness and creativity. Prosciutto respected and loved all his sisters, of course, but with the youngest one he always had a special relationship, even if they often fought, as they had a similar character. Maybe this was the reason they so fiercely protected each other, no matter what or where they were. All his sisters were family… but she was even more “family”. She was strong and confident, but also kind and gentle; she was the most incredible person he had ever met.

Prosciutto’s family had been blessed with a good height and this shows in his sisters too. They all are tall, but his favourite sister is the tallest. Even taller than him! And she likes to tease him about it, making him grumble and pout, like he did when he was a child. Everyone else would face his wrath, but he lets his sister do basically everything to him. He knows she doesn’t tease him in a bad way. And, when she sees him still pouty and offended, she always brings him a piece of his favourite cake, kissing his hair and apologizing for hurting him, while he hides a little, evil smile. Pouting always brings benefits, when her sister is around!

Being the kids of a leader of a small criminal gang affiliated to Passione, Prosciutto and his sister grew up knowing how to fight even before learning how to walk. But his closer sister was the most badass of them all! And the strongest, when it came to hand-to-hand fighting. Her punches were devastating, her kicks powerful; more than once she made men way bigger than her run away crying. Prosciutto always cheered for her and admired her strength; he wanted to be like her! And, also, he knew it was better not to make her angry; she would have swoop him in a matter of seconds, even in front of his friends, The Grateful Dead or not!

Speaking of stands, his sister always found extremely funny his stand. She always said it looked weird, but also cute, in a certain way, and that she found hilarious that it actually aged him to his real soul age. Prosciutto always huffed and pouted, but never used it on her; well, the only time he did, reversing her to an old lady, he was swooped anyway. Even then she still was stronger than him!

Pesci

Pesci’s big sister had always been at his side, helping him in every possible way. She was here when little Pesci was bullied and mocked for his appearance, and she was the one who furiously fought against her parents when they “sold” Pesci to the mob in order to repay their debts. The thing Pesci remembers more clearly from his childhood is his sister and how ridiculously strong and hot-headed she was. Even if sometimes he too had tested her strength -if he had a certain attitude he always received a slap on the back of his head-, he always admired the way she claimed respect from others and how vigorously protective she was towards people she loved. She was strong enough to protect her family… Pesci wanted to be like her too. He too wanted to protect his family and the people he loved!

Prosciutto was the one in the team who knew better Pesci’s sister, as he had taken the role of his big brother. She wanted to know him, to know him well; she couldn’t leave her little brother to some random weirdo! The first thing Prosciutto noticed about her -and how could he have missed it?- was how tall she was. Almost as tall as Risotto! And definitely taller than her brother and himself. Prosciutto learned soon that Pesci’s sister wasn’t a person to mess up with; he thought he was dying, after her powerful kick. He accepted that she was and always would have been part of Pesci’s life, whatever Prosciutto had to say about it!

Even when he was a mobster and, then, a member of the Squadra, Pesci’s sister always supported him. She was really proud of his stand, and always encouraged him to try to explore every use of his Beach Boy, both for daily tasks and missions. Yes, it wasn’t the life she had dreamed for her little brother, but now it was too late to go back. She could just prepare him and pray to see him coming home every day, safe and sound. And so, she always tried to teach him how to fight and defend himself when he couldn’t use his stand; Pesci learned a lot from her. Even so, he still couldn’t ever beat her, even if he was quite strong himself!

Being so protective, sometimes she slipped into a too motherly behaviour. On a normal occasion, Pesci wouldn’t have minded it, even enjoying his sister’s attentions; but he couldn’t do it when he was with his comrades! He hated to keep her far, but he wanted to be respected by his teammates, and he couldn’t achieve it when his sister was coddling him! The first time she was so hurt that he slapped him on the back of his head, making him stumble; but then, she understood she was wrong and, so, when he’s with his teammates, she stays quiet and calm. Until one of them starts to bully her little brother!

Formaggio

Honestly, having a big sister was Formaggio’s luck. If, in spite of everything, he still is a quite decent human being it’s thanks to her. When their father was too drunk to care for them, she did it in his place, making sure to send her little brother to school and trying to make their life as bearable as possible. There is no human being Formaggio respects as much as he does with his sister. She is the most important authority in his life, his rock, the person who taught him everything! Formaggio was a bratty and restless kid, and she had to work hard to keep in line. If someone was rude or, even, beat her little brother, she had no hesitation in going to beat them too -especially if they were older than Formaggio, and it was usually like this.- She was strong and her punches made more than a boy fall back; and not twinks, but big men, mountain of muscles! Formaggio always wanted to be like her. And, more or less, he managed to do it. She’s still taller than him, and stronger too, but he obtained a stand!

Formaggio never loses a chance to show her big sister his stand. He’s really proud of his Little Feet! And her sister is proud too. At least until he uses it to prank her in various ways, which always earns him a bonk on the back of his head. Formaggio learned it wasn’t a good idea to prank her sister when she bonked him when he wasn’t still at his usual form, making him fly to the other side of the room. She was so sorry about it! But she also couldn’t stop laughing, while Formaggio was grumbling and complaining, only to end up laughing too with her. He wanted to prank and, in the end, he was the one pranked!

Formaggio is really protective over his sister, as much as she’s with him. Other than his big sister, she was also, basically, his father and mother, as they were absent from their life. And, so, sometimes she slips into motherly behaviour, especially when it’s about food. She always grumbles that he has to eat healthy food, and that he has also to clean a little more his house! Sometimes, he talks back, mocking her scoldings, and this is something that makes her so damn angry. He’s still a brat, even after all those years! Not even Little Feet can save him from the punitive bonk on the back of his head. And, after that, even while grumbling and complaining, Formaggio always starts to clean or to eat healthy, at least for a while. He knows too well that his sister is able to whoop his ass in a second, gangster or not! He may have a stand, and a quite powerful stand, thank you very much, but she’s still the real powerhouse when it comes to hand-to-hand fight! Formaggio would never want to have to fight her. He knows he’d be KO in a matter of minutes!

Melone

Melone has always been smaller for his age, and too skinny. Due to his lack of good physical strength and “oddity” -he was the science kid, the nerdy kid- the other kids often used him as punching ball. Melone had a certain pride, however; he wanted to fix his situation all alone, and so he never said it to his parents, finding more and more excuses to justify his bruises. He confided the real reason of his bruises just to his big sister, the person he trusted the most in the world. She wasn’t much older than him, but she was already taller than average for her age, and she was way stronger too! She tried to respect her little brother’s will, but, when he came home bleeding from his nose and with a black eye, it was too much. She went straight to “talk” to the bullies, and, from that day, they didn’t come near Melone again. They were scared by his big sister! And his admiration for her just grew and grew. She was so strong and cool! He wanted so much to be like her���

Their paths, for a while, diverged. She went on with her life, and he entered the mob. But, finally, they reunited, and it was like nothing was changed in those years. She was still taller than him, stronger and protective! She wasn’t happy to know he was a mobster -he wasn’t expecting so-, but, despite everything, she decided to be part of his life when many other people would have chosen to just go without turning back. Melone was happy to have her back in his life, even if, sometimes, she was a little overwhelming! Especially when it came to his feeding. He was underweight and she had always tried to help him to reach a weight that at least didn’t show his bones. So, she always closely checked his meals, to be sure they were healthy and caloric. When he was a teenager, sometimes he snapped at her, earning a little bonk on the back of his head. He was her beloved little brother, but this didn’t mean he could be mean at her! And this didn’t change even when he was a grown man. He was still her little brother and she wanted to protect and take care of him!

She was surprised to come to know about stands. She was quite impressed with her brother’s stand! It was so peculiar and, in some ways, even nerdy, like he was! Still, she knew he would have never used it against her. And, when her brother had a stand, she still had her punches! Even her brother’s teammates had had a taste of them, when she caught them being rude to Melone. No one had to even think to hurt him, mobsters or not! Soon enough, everyone in the team came to respect and even fear a little Melone’s fierce sister. She wasn’t someone to mess up with!

Illuso

Illuso’s sister was the only person able to make him open up. He was a really reserved kid, who preferred to observe in silence and who rarely actively took part in whatever was going on. Just his older sister was able to make him live, to make him enjoy a little his life in Venice, a place he wanted to escape from with all his heart. And, as soon as he could, he did so, joining the mob. Still, he always remembered fondly his sister. She was tall, way taller than him, and ridiculously strong. When someone screamed at Illuso, calling him bad names, she was already chasing after them, making sure to send them home with a couple of bruises. She wasn’t scared of anything, and she was stubborn and, sometimes, even overbearing. At the same time, however, she was fair, kind and sweet, always knowing when her little brother needed a gentle word, more than an energetic prompt. Illuso loved his sister with all his heart and she was the only one of the family he still wanted to see, after joining Passione.

His sister was really curious about his stand. She didn’t even imagine that one’s fighting spirit could be embodied in something more or less physical! And Man in the Mirror’s power was amazing! She was impressed by the various and ingenious ways her brother thought for using it at his full potential. He had always been curious and inventive, and now these qualities were shining! Still, she was a bit bitter when she noticed that his teammates, sometimes, made fun of his stand, not particularly set for murders -not that Illuso ever told her what he really did for living; she just knew he was a mobster in a special team-. Once, she challenged them all to beat her at arm wrestling. Illuso felt cold sweat running down his spine; he knew too well what kind of powerhouse his sister was! And it seemed that his teammates understood it too, when they saw how intimidating and tall she was. She beat them all, and no one dared to go against her or Illuso again. Illuso never forgot that moment!

As much as he was quiet when he was observing something, Illuso was also a cocky little shit, when he wanted to. And, when he was so with his sister too, she didn’t even lose time to feel hurt or such; she slapped him on the back of his head, telling him to watch his language, no matter if they were alone or in front of his teammates. Once, she slapped him a little too hard, sending him right into the mirror world through the little hand mirror he was studying, making Prosciutto snort in his drink. From then on, Illuso always checked twice what he was going to say to his sister!

Ghiaccio

His relationship with his sister has always been… troubled. They share the same explosive character and, so, they often clashed in a spectacular way. Nonetheless, they would have killed to protect the other. They both were fiercely protective towards the other, even if people usually thought they hated each other, due to their continuous fights. Ghiaccio envied his sister because she was tall and strong; he tried everything to grow up to reach her height, but nothing worked, and, even in their adult life, she still outmatched him. She usually didn’t bring it, as he was still bitter over it, but sometimes she couldn’t resist to lightly tease him! And, to make amend for her little fun, she always offered to teach him a new fighting move. It always made him relax and even smile!

Ghiaccio was proud of his stand. In his humble opinion, White Album was the most powerful and awesome stand in the world, and no one could beat it! He always wanted to show it to his sister, every time they met. And his sister was really impressed! It was powerful and dangerous, but she wasn’t scared of it. At most, she found absolutely adorable the little cat ears on his helmet, making him grumble and complain! Even so, he never attacked her. Anyone would have been freezed to death, but not her. She was the only one who could talk to him as she wanted and who could even mess a little with his hair -another absolutely forbidden thing-; she had always been the only one who actually gave a damn about it, she had earned her privileges!

Being the older sister, she always felt the need to protect Ghiaccio from the world around them. Even now, and even knowing that he’s strong and absolutely able to protect himself, she still, sometimes, slips, ending up coddling him and being a little too protective towards him. If the team isn’t around, Ghiaccio doesn’t complain. He quite… likes, when someone actually cares about him. It’s a nice feeling. However, if his teammates are around, he doesn’t accept her attentions, ending up always chasing her away or telling her something rude, and this, usually, ignites another fight. And, White Album or not, if they come to hand-to.hand fighting, she always wipes the floor with his ass, no matter what. She’s actually the only one who can manage to do it, and Ghiaccio feels a cautious respect for her incredibly strength. He doesn’t say it loud, but he thinks that not even Risotto could outmatch her! And, even if she, sometimes, really gets on his nerves, he couldn’t be prouder of her. That’s his big sister, and no one can mess with her!

[trensu]

Episode 34: The One where Detective Wangxian is on the Case!

WWX IS RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE!!

From Fairy the wonder dog, lol. The pupper just looks so pleased to be chasing after wwx.

Poor wwx gets himself cornered tho and jin ling looks all smug about it, the little brat

OMG I AM D Y I N G

Wwx: LAN ZHAN HELP MEEEEE

Lwj: *backflips into the scene with his scabbard held high totally ready to throw down with a kid*

Chill out, lwj, the kid’s like twelve

And as soon as lwj places himself in front of wwx to protect him from the big bad kid, wwx LATCHES ON TO HIM, 

GRIPPING LWJ’S SHOULDERS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT

AND HE’S ALL PRESSED UP AGAINST HIS BACK 

AHHHHHHHH

But lol, jin ling seems to seriously be weighing his options here?

Like, hmm, this is the great hanguang-jun so my odds aren’t the best but i got fairy the wonder dog and also my dad’s awesome Magic Ghost-Busting sword so…

Wwx: i’m so glad you’re here!

This is when lwj notices that wwx is actually cowering from the dog, not the child, and lwj levels a glare at the dog. Like, he really Glares at fairy.

Fairy NOPES right out of there bc animals have better self-preservation instincts than humans

Jin ling lets out this cute little gasp when fairy ditches him and then he glares at lwj

(pretty ballsy move coming from a kid, tbh)

Lwj, obvs, is completely unfazed and just gives him a cold stare in return

THEN JIN LING POUTS LIKE THE ADORABLE BRAT HE IS AND KICKS AT SOME BASKETS BEFORE STORMING OFF

LOVE THAT KID

(i mean, if i met a kid like that irl i’d probably hate his spoiled little guts, BUT BC THIS IS MAKE-BELIEVE I CAN ENJOY HIS BRATTY BEHAVIOR LOLOLOL)

Once the dog is gone, wwx makes this nervous little giggle (SO FREAKING CUTE) and peels himself off of lwj

Pretty sure lwj is like wait no come back, but like internally bc god forbid he express himself verbally

Wwx goes back to the mountebank and starts interrogating him about Plot Things

We’re gonna ignore all that chitchat and just watch his pretty face get all animated in detective mode

*dreamy sigh* wwx, so pretty so pretty

Lwj hasn’t stopped staring at him this whole time either! I FEEL YOU BRO

AHHHH WE SEE NHS BEING ALL MR. KNOW-NOTHING

“I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW, I REALLY DON’T KNOW. PLEASE DON’T ASK ME ME. I REALLY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING.”

LOVE THAT GUY

GIVE HIM AN ANCIENT FANTASY CHINA OSCAR.

Now we’re in a forest! This is MUCH better than the last time we were in a forest!!

OUR BOYS ARE WALKING SIDE BY SIDE TOGETHER LIKE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE AND I AM OVERJOYED

They’re chatting about the nie bros, like omg can’t believe nhs is sect leader and his big brother dropped dead???

SUDDENLY THERE’S BARKING!

Wwx: DOG!!

AND IMMEDIATELY DUCKS BEHIND LWJ, GRIPPING HIS UPPER ARMS LIKE HIS LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

HE’S MAKING HIMSELF ALL SMALL BEHIND HIS HANDSOME HEROIC SOULMATE WHO WILL DEF PROTECT HIM FROM ALL THE BIG MEAN DOGS IN THE WORLD

Lwj: wei ying, there’s no dogs here

Omg wwx is clinging so close that his chin brushes up against lwj’s shoulder aND I AM SWOONING

Oh, but he lets go, all embarrassed and awkward

Lwj gives him a Look

Wwx: don’t look at me like that

Lwj: why are you afraid of dogs?

Wwx: don’t ask me why either

HE SOUNDS SO CUTE AND SULKY SAYING THAT AND HE’S GOT A LITTLE POUT

AND I’M JUST LIKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO CUTE I’M GONNA DIE

Lwj is a perfect gentleman tho bc he just accepts that wwx doesn’t want to talk about the dog thing and goes on ahead

But before lwj can get even 3 steps away, wws LUNGES for him and grabs his arm

Wwx: lan zhan! Alright, i’ll tell you, i’ll say it

He says this like lwj twisted his arm and forced him to or smth lol

Wwx: i was a street kid when i was little and often had to fight stray dogs for food

POOR BB!WWX :( :( :(

Wwx: thankfully jfm took me to lotus pier but he also made jc send away his puppers, just like i made jin ling do…

Wwx: they really live up to their blood; he hates me so much. Just like jc.

HE SOUNDS SO SADDDD

And then he sighs like resigned to the fact that his brother will hate him forever??? WHICH HURTS ME SO MUCH, LET MY YUNMENG BROS RECONCILE AND BE HAPPY, DAMN IT

Wwx: lan zhan, let’s go

2 seconds later he hears barking again

Wwx freAKING YANKS LWJ IN FRONT OF HIM AND THEN COWERS BEHIND HIM IN THE MOST ADORABLE WAY

Wwx: that really is a dog, right??

HE CLINGS SO TIGHTLY TO LWJ’S ARMS, I CAN’T

Lwj: it’s still far. Why are you hiding?

He asks like he's not absolutely LOVING having wwx cling to him

We get a wonderful close up shot of wwx’s face here, so please take a moment to admire it (so pretty, so pretty, i love him!!)

Wwx: just let me hide!!

Lwj: *lets him hide* it sounds like jin ling’s wonder dog. It’s barking, something must’ve happened

Wwx: let’s...let’s take a look?

Awww, wwx stutters that out and he’s all pale with fear but he’s still willing to go investigate BC HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HIS NEPHEW IS SAFE DESPITE THE BIG SCARY DOG

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Wwx: h-hanguang jun, move. How can i move if you don’t move?

BC HE’S STILL ALL CROUCHED BEHIND HIM, SO CUTE SO CUTE

Lwj purses his lips here and looks back at wwx

Lwj: let go of me first

It comes off as kind of annoyed BUT WE ALL KNOW HE’S JUST UPSET THAT WWX IS GONNA HAVE TO UN-CLING FROM HIM

And now we get beautiful close up shots of wwx’s hands gripped ever so tightly on lwj’s fancy white outer robes and watch as they very reluctantly loosen and let go

He’s laughing all nervously aND CRINKLES HIS NOSE WITH A BASHFUL SMILE AND I’M GONNA DIE FROM THE CUTE OMG

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

HAVE I MENTIONED?? BC I DO. SO VERY MUCH.

As soon as lwj forges ahead, wwx grabs him by the shoulders again and follows close behind lol

Oh great, more fog in a forest

Wwx: this is a disorientation trap! It must’ve been set by a human

Lwj: looks like the legends of walker ridge are not unfounded

(oh yeah, plot thing about a man-eating ridge which is why we’re in the forest)

Wwx: lan zhan look!

AND NOW WE GET TO WATCH THEM WORK TOGETHER

I LOVE WATCHING THEM WORK TOGETHER

LOOK AT THEM BEING BEAUTIFUL AND IN LOVE AND DETECTIVE-ING ALL OVER THE PLACE

And now we’re at a mysterious creepy bunker in the middle of the forest!

Fairy barks again and wwx hides behind lwj AGAIN and everything IS GREAT

Wwx: why can i hear the dog but not see it???

Lwj: the disorientation trap must be keeping it out

Wwx: would jin ling be kept out by the trap too??

Lwj: nah, if jin ling were out, the dog wouldn’t be freaking out

Wwx: makes sense *does that nose tap thing THAT I LOVE* sooo how do we get in?

Lwj goes to investigate and wwx lunges for him again

Wwx: ah! Lan zhan, wait for me!!

I AM LOVING EVERY SECOND OF THIS

Our boys find that the bunker’s been busted open and figure that jin ling must’ve done it so they go inside to look for him

We hear screechy noises of resentful energy

Oh no! Wwx gets all woozy from it!

Lwj: how is it?

Wwx: noisy

HE KEEPS HAVING TO PAUSE TO CATCH HIMSELF, MY POOR SUNSHINE BOY

Oh, he pulls out the evil-detecting compass to help guide them through the bunker

Following the compass, following the compass, compass tick tick ticks away

BLADES SHRINE

WE’VE ARRIVED AT THE BLADES SHRINE

Wwx starts calling out for his nephew and he and lwj start cracking open caskets like graverobbers, shame on them!

Wwx: weird. Why are they all blades?

GUQIN TIME

I LOVE GUQIN TIME

IT’S INQUIRY GUQIN TIME!! EVEN MORE FUN!!!

Wwx gets all excited: you’re associating with the spirit?

Lwj: *nods* he’s here

Wwx: ask him for me - what is this place, what is it for, built by whom?

Omg wwx take it easy, one question at a time plz

Ofc lwj just goes ahead and does exactly as his wei ying asks him

The guqin lets out a couple of notes from the spirit (FOREVER THE COOLEST WAY TO COMMUNE WITH SPIRITS)

Wwx: what did he say?

Lwj: idk

Wwx: ??????

Lwj: the spirit said ‘i don’t know’

Wwx: good for you lan zhan, you even know how to make me speechless now

Lwj keeps playing his guqin for answers

EEEEEEEEEE WWX JUST CLIMBS UP AND PLOPS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE COFFIN THAT’S HOLDING LWJ’S GUQIN AND JUST SCOOTS HIMSELF CLOSER TO LWJ

I LOVE MY SUNSHINE BOY

So they keep interrogating the spirit and find out that the spirit knows nothing

Wwx: a spirit confined here and he knows nothing? It’s the first time i’ve ever seen a spirit like that

Wwx: lan zhan, could the spirit be...nhs?

HE SAYS WITH A HUGE SUNNY SMILE ON HIS FACE AAAAAAHHHHHH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Wwx: lol jk, don’t mind me. Lan zhan, how about asking it’s gender. He should know this

Lwj: male

Wwx: FINALLY a decent answer

They keep asking questions and determine that jin ling is in fact in the room even tho they haven’t seen him anywhere!

Wwx: could the spirit be lying??

Lwj: i’m here. He can’t lie.

Look, i know he means it bc spirits can’t lie through inquiry or whatever but i LOVE the implication that people simply cannot lie in the presences of the great hanguang jun

Lwj starts guqin’ing again while wwx searches the blades shrine again

We get a shot from outside the bunker and see the robes of a ~mysterious figure~

Ooooh, and we get an absolutely GORGEOUS close up shot of lwj’s eye (lovin that eyebrow, man) as he listens to the spirit’s response

Wwx: what did you ask him?

Lwj: his age and where he’s from

Wwx: what did he say?

Lwj: 16, lanling

WORRIED UNCLE!WWX (also, i guess jl is not twelve, but whatever)

Aaaanndd we find out jin ling is inside the wall of the blades shrine!

Lwj goes and cuts the wall to pieces with bichen like a badass

And wwx immediately starts digging his little nephew out

HE’S SO WORRIED FOR HIM

He’s calling his name out and lwj goes and gives the boy some spiritual energy since he’s all unconscious from being stuck in a wall

Lol while lwj is doing that, wwx grabs bichen and starts poking it into the dirt

Seems kinda disrespectful to bichen, if you ask me...but lwj and bichen don’t seem to mind so whatever

Wwx gets all woozy from the resentful spiritual energy again

He’s starting to piece things together when jin ling suddenly wakes up (kinda)

Jin ling like, zombie-walks himself back into the wall

Lwj and wwx look at each other like what the heck??

They decide they probably shouldn’t stick around so get out of the bunker

They spot someone running away from the area and wwx is like go catch them, lan zhan!

Lwj: i’ll go. You and jin ling…

And wwx is all, i’ll get him out of here and we can meet up at the tavern after

Lwj stares at him BC HE DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE HIS SIDE, HE JUST GOT HIM BACK LAST EPISODE!!

But wwx is like, lan zhan go catch the bad guy before he gets away!

Wwx: i’ll be there. Lan zhan, take care

Chase scene!

Huh, nhs is pretty nimble on his feet, isn’t he?

Lwj chucks bichen at him but only manages to slice off a piece of his robes

THAT’S SOME NICE LOOKING FABRIC THO

I’D BE MAD AS HELL IF SOMEONE CARELESSLY SLICED UP MY GOOD FABRIC LIKE THAT OMG

Oooh, wwx got jin ling back to his room and noticed a curse mark on jin ling’s leg

He pulls open jl’s robes to see if the mark spread to his chest (it hasn’t)

Ofc jin ling wakes up just as wwx finishes doing that

Jl: whAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU TAKING OFF MY CLOTHES

Good boy, jl, that is exactly how you should react if some strange guy tries to undress you when you’re unconscious

Wwx: why are you freaking out bro, i just saved you from that man-eating wall

And jl is all IMMA KILL YOU!!

And wwx is like been there done that, don’t really want a repeat…

Wwx sees jl’s jade lotus pendant and asks him about it

Jl: my mother left me this! Don’t touch it!!

See, jl is such a brat but then these little moments happen and i just want to hug him and bundle him up in blankets and make him hot chocolate…

HE’S SO STARVED FOR LOVING FAMILY AND AFFECTION, THAT POOR KID ;_;

We get a flashback to jyl giving wwx a similar pendant and wwx clutches at his robes in AGONY at the memory

Lol

Jl uses this moment to put on his boots and FUCKING BOOK IT RIGHT OUTTA THERE

GOOD FOR YOU KID, GOOD FOR YOU

DEF THE RIGHT RESPONSE AFTER ALMOST GETTING UNDRESSED BY SOME STRANGE MASKED DUDE

Cut to street view, wwx is wandering around trying to find jin ling but instead he hears jc’s voice and dives for the first hiding place he can find

LOL I LOVE LISTENING TO JC AND JL INTERACT

Jc is scolding jl ofc

Jl: don’t grab me like that, i’m not a 3yo!!

Jc: you think i can’t discipline you now?? EVEN IF YOU’RE 30, I CAN STILL DISCIPLINE YOU

Omg this is freaking hilarious, i love these two

Then jc asks him where Fairy is

Wwx is all smug thinking to himself: lan zhan must have driven it away

And the world is like, PSYCH FAIRY’S ACTUALLY RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU

Wwx almost avoided a jc encounter

He would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling dog

At least we get to see jc use zidian. I love zidian.

We get a big reveal scene and jc finds out that mo xuanyu is Wei Wuxian, surprise!!

Oh no, sad/angry yunmeng bro time (I MISS MY HAPPY YUNMENG BRO TIMES, GIVE THOSE BACK)

They’re back at an inn or whatever and jc is really just tearing into wwx

We’re not gonna go into detail except for this bit - 

Jc: 16 years...and lan wangji STILL wants to protect you

He’s so mad

It’s giving me Emotions™

Jc: maybe he’s not doing this to protect you. Someone with such integrity couldn’t possibly tolerate you. Maybe he had a deal with the guy who saved you.

Wwx: JC! Watch your language!

LOOK AT HIM DEFEND HIS SOULMATE FROM SLANDER

Yikes, they keep arguing and jfc they really know how to hit where it hurts, don’t they?

A wild Jin Ling appears!!

He lies through his teeth to JC. like yeah, i totally saw wen ning in an abandoned shack really really far away from here, for real :D

Now jin ling is in charge of guarding wwx after jc ties him up with zidian (seriously the COOLEST spiritual tool)

Jin ling takes it right off 

I LOVE THAT THE ZIDIAN LISTENS TO JIN LING OMG

We get a lot of fun uncle wwx and nephew jin ling interaction here bc jin ling helps wwx escape into the forest

Oh look, another moment that makes me like jin ling

He helps wwx escape since wwx saved him from the killer wall

He has honor!

Also wwx apologizes to jl here for that time he stuck his foot in his mouth way back at the start of the series

Wwx demonstrates his A+ acting skills by pretending to have been caught by jc and jl whirls around in a panic and wwx knocks him out

He inspects the curse mark on jl and is all, hmmm, can’t undo that curse rn but i can totally transfer it onto myself to save my nephew

And that’s the end of the episode!

LOOK AT ALL THE QUALITY WANGXIANTICS WE GOT!!!

THANK GOD, WE DEF DESERVE IT AFTER ALL THAT PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE WE ENDURED IN THE LAST FEW EPISODES

*hugs episode to their chest, sobbing* I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH, DON’T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN

Return to Masterpost

[springmagpies]

Welcome Back to my Uncle Reacts to AoS--Season 3

It has taken my Uncle months to watch season 3 as his schedule is super busy and what not. But we have finally watched it all and are on to Season 4. Anyway, here are some of his reactions to the third season of Agents of Shield

3x1

*Fitz comes to the lab after his excursion in Morocco* Coulson is like a father waiting in the dark kitchen. Where’ve ya been, Fitz?

*After the Do something scene* Ouch.

Is she on another planet? She’s on another planet. Guys, she’s on another planet!

3x2

He got her back! Oh my god, he got her back. Fitz is the man.

Hunter is the best.

Bobbi is the best.

Fitz is the best.

Oh, Coulson.

*About Jemma* What the hell happened there? What did she eat? She was there months right? Holy shit.

*Fitz sitting by her bed* Oh, Fitz.

3x03

My aunt: you two seem sad. What happened. Steve: Lincoln, Kate. Lincoln killed his friend and he didn’t mean to. And Jemma has ptsd. It was a lot of emotion. My aunt: ...

3x04

Yess May. Great timing. That’s all you needed.

3x05

Dammit, Will is hot.

She’s talking to Fitz? Cute!

3x06

Pauses the show uhh, Andrew turned into lash and kicked some ass. Calling it.

*Later* Called it.

3x07

“He does have a hog face.”  Bwhahahaha. That’s amazing.

Well that episode was emotional. The Fitzsimmons thing was so heart warming. And poor May.

3x09

Ward, you asshole. Why can’t they let Phil be happy.

3x10

Shit that’s not Will.

*At Ward’s death* Finally!

*Wards back* Freaking knew it. God dammit

3x11

What is Fitz 3d printing back there? Cool inhuman conversation but what’s he making?

*Anytime the subtitles are wrong on Netflix* That’s not what she said. That’s not what he said. That’s not what they’re saying.

*Steve understanding the Spanish and knowing what they’re saying without subtitles.* That is not what she said, subtitles.

*About Elena* she’s a badass.

3x12

Thank god for Hunter.

Ward is just creepy as hell. I know that’s not Ward, but it’s his stupid face.

3x13

Amadeus Ravenclaw Hunter. That’s fantastic. Is that really his name? Wait, no. Forget I said that. Ravenclaw is not his name.

Wait, so Bobbi and Hunter are just gone? But they can’t do that. They come back right? They’re the best, they can’t leave.

Mack’s crying the hardest.

That guy that’s supposed to be tailing them is very bad at his job.

Now I’m sad.

3x14

*Mack mentions friends being transferred” Aww, Bobbi and Hunter.

Repeats “It’s a building.” In Scottish accent. *laughs* that’s great.

Uh oh Fitz does not like Daisy’s methods of interrogation. He looks so uncomfortable.

A shotgun ax. Holy shit that’s amazing.

That dudes a hologram! Coulson knew. He’s a genius.

3x15

Holy shit we’re seeing the future.

*Hive melts the business men* Eeww, ugh that’s horrific. Aaah!

*Andrew becomes lash permanently* Oh no! Poor May. That’s so sad.

Wait, I bet you it’s not snow. Bet you it’s ash. *Snow is actually ash* Called it.

*Quinjet vision* That vision is familiar. Where have we seen that? Wait, that was at the beginning! Oh shit, that’s the future! Shit!

3x16

*Young Malick and Nathaniel appear on screen.* Maggie tries not to freak the frick out at Nathaniel so as not to spoil season 7.

Steve: oooh, does his brother get volunteered as tribute or something?

*Daisy explodes the mines in front of James house.* Badass.

*Reveal that Malick betrayed his brother* That’s why Ward had the stone! He knew! He remembers the betrayal! Oof, not looking great for Malick.

I hate Ward. Whatever he is.

Shit! Is he killing Malick daughter! That’s way more brutal than killing Malick! Ooooh, evil.

*Lincoln’s past is explained* See, I’m glad he’s sharing, but how do you bring something like that up in conversation normally. Glad their talking, but I get it.

*Giyera escaping from the containment pod* Fitz, please get away from the guy trying to escape. Please. Oh crap he’s got a seatbelt.

*Mack gets knocked out* Oof, Mack. Poor dude.

*Secret Warriors Assemble* Yes! I’ve got to put the baby to bed but then next episode!

3x17

Sorry Joey, I don’t think you’re going to finish that date. You’ve got to go fight people.

Whoa! Lincoln’s powers got even cooler.

That felt a bit too easy.

*Fitzsimmons flirting* They’re cute.

*Mackelena flirting* He’s speaking Spanish. Kay, that’s sweet.

I don’t think Joey is okay. He did kill that Medusa dude.

*reveal that one of the inhumans are swayed* That’s what he meant by someone on the inside! That’s not good. Now they’re all looking suspicious.

*Fitzsimmons find Malick’s body* Is he dead? Holy shit, was there a bomb! Shit!

“Aren’t you a spy, learn Spanish” Hahahahaha! Yes! That line is genius!

Okay, they are pushing for it to be Lincoln waaaay too hard.

*Fitzsimmons soft kiss in the bunk* *Steve Fist pumps* Yessss!

Uhhh, why is Daisy out of her cell. It’s her! Oh no.

Way to go Lincoln on the character growth. Staying for SHIELD!

Is Daisy going to fly? Oh no, she’s destroying the base. And she ruined Fitzsimmons make out session. And she’s bringing the base down. Also that.

Noooo! That’s it? That cliffhanger! *upset that we have to wait to watch the next episode*

3x18

“It’s risky, and irresponsible” Hahaha, May smiles.

Nice flying May!

*FS talking about sex* “I’ll see you in the quinjet” Hahahahahahahaha. That’s amazing.

*Hive talks* That’s not creepy. You know what happened to the last girl Hive kissed. Daisy run.

“Because all you are is big and strong.” Hahaha, Fitz is all pissy about it. Amazing.

Oof, Lincoln just can’t get Coulson’s approval.

Maggie: Fitz is so handsome Steve: He really is

*FS ending scene* Yessss!!!! Finally!!!

3x19

Inhuman backstory!!

Why are they all such jerks to Lincoln? Like, he just cannot win with Coulson and May. No one is nice to him. Except Fitzsimmons, they’re nice to him. Okay, and Mack.

*Piper is introduced* Red shirts aren’t red shirts! That’s awesome!

Oh, Mack, what are you doing? Please don’t get hurt. Daisy please don’t hurt him. Mack noooo!

Wow, Shield is just struggling on all fronts. Daisy’s missing, Mack’s injured, Lincoln’s sick—Wait no after credit scene?! Dammit!

3x20

Okay, they seriously need to lay off Lincoln. Like, he is not a bad dude!

Now I see why they can’t get help from the avengers.

Yo yo is awesome.

Fitz having to play whack-a-mole with security. Gosh, they’re going through it.

Lincoln, nooo! You’re smarter than this! Your character growth! Oh, thank god it was part of the plan.

Yes! Lash! Badass!

Oh my god he’s saving Daisy! Yeah!!!

No!!! Lash!!!!

He couldn’t just have killed Hive? I guess we need a finale.

Andrew saved Daisy!

Shit, he’s got a warhead. Ward’s trying to destroy the world again.

What’s Elena giving Mack? No! Mack put that down! Put the cross down!

3x21

That’s right, Shield is good at what they do.

They done pissed off an alien.

Fitz is amazing.

Fitzsimmons should go on that vacation. Take a break.

Oh no the cross! The jacket! Fitz put it down!

Wait, she wants to go back?! Daisy, nooooo!

3x22

Ooh Yo Yo no!!! She took a bullet for Mack. Yeah, she is not okay.

Shit, they’re going to use the torch to cauterize the wound. That’s majorly going to scar.

Why do I kind of like Radcliffe?

Oh, May was about to be super nice to Daisy and she gets hit over the head.

“You were a murderous wank before all this” Okay, that line’s amazing

Did Fitz cloak a gun?! That’s amazing!

Aaaah, the jacket! Can they stop freaking me out with the jacket?!

I like how they pan from the window so they don’t have to break it for real.

Don’t get rid of Daisy!

“Help me Obi Wan Kenobi” Oh my god, that’s incredible.

Badass shield team is badass.

You know the person who plays Daisy is a great actress.

Wait. wait. Wait. Lincoln. Lincoln? Noooooo! They can’t kill Lincoln. They’re not going to—they can’t. But I loved Lincoln! Nooo!

*Steve is quiet for a long moment* I loved Lincoln.

*Flash forward* Is Daisy on the run?

Director? What? Phil’s not the director??

“No Aida that’s not what we’re celebrating” It’s your birthday. “Today’s your birthday.” CALLED IT! Wait, are we going to have robots?

Shit, we lost a lot of people that season.

Crap, I want to watch the next episode!!

[minijenn]

Random Keys/UF Crossover Ideas

Because I’m torn between both of my projects right now and I hate myself, here’s something that’ll only really appeal to the very niche audience of people who read both Universe Falls and Keys to the Kingdom. Basically its a list of somewhat spoilery (for Keys more than UF) headcanons of what it might be like if the Gravity Falls world scheduled to be in Keys was a Universe Falls world instead (in the sense that it still takes place in Gravity Falls physically but like... its set in the universe of Universe Falls (oy I’m explaining too much lemme just start rambling off the random ideas that have been popping into my head over the last several days of this hypothetical crossover of my two stupid fanfics):

For reference’s sake, on the UF end of things, this would take place somewhere around the middle of arc10ish, pretty close to Weirdmageddon as the GF world in Keys is gonna take place pretty close to Weirdmageddon too. 

For Keys, the trip to this world would still take place in the same spot the GF world does, so semi close to the end of the story, as one of the last Disney worlds of the fic (guess it wouldn’t really be a “Disney” world here but ehhhhhh) 

Guess I better give some context about what’s going on in each fic around that time; UF’s is easier to do so we’ll start with that; basically without spoiling a certain upcoming arc ender too much, during arc 10, everyone’s sorta frazzled what between all of the interdimensional travel, worries about Bill coming back and causing chaos, worries about the Diamonds possibly getting involved in stuff, shaken by the recent revelation that Rose allegedly shattered Pink Diamond and so on (basically there’s a lot going on in the leadup to UF’s ending hahaha) 

Context for Keys (again without getting too spoilery (gotta tread even more careful here) is that by this point in the story Sora is basically in nonstop Panic Mode about the whole norting thing thanks to a certain encounter with one Bald Old Fuckhead during the Aladdin world immediately before this; so Sora’s on the run from basically his entire support system cause he’s all worried about unintentionally hurting his friends (and he also just doesn’t want Riku or Kairi in particular to see what’s happening to him cause Disaster Bi). 

Cont. Context for Keys cause that last bullet point was Long: Despite all this fuckin Angst, Sora’s still out searching for the Keys on his own in the hopes of securing the final few for the guardians of light before he can be fully norted and forced into handing them over to the Organization instead 

Not to mention those freak relatively dark/light powers of his are alll outta whack cause he A. Doesn’t know how to control them At All and B. Is Emotionally Distraught so that’s only making things worse

And the entire gang is more or less out searching the worlds tryin’ to find Sora (he yeeted his Gummi Phone off a fuckin cliff or something just so nobody could get in touch with him smh what a waste of a perfectly good cell phone); among the teams that are out doing so include the one we’re gonna focus on here, Ven and Roxas  

Back to the UF end of things, I wanna talk about where each of the Mystery Kids are at this point; Steven is sorta all over the place with, again, the revelation that his mom could have been a murderer; Dipper is hella nervous about the idea of Bill getting his hands on the Rift (even moreso after RMD cause PTSD is Somethin Else kids), Mabel is in that mindset of not wanting the summer to end so they can all stay together, and Connie is basically (as usual) the only one with any brain cells as she’s trying to hold the gang together

(lowkey spoilers for the Keys GF chapters start here) So Sora arrives in Gravity Falls, suffering from all the angsts and anxieties and whatnot and just Not Having a Very Good Time Emotionally/Mentally as he starts lookin around for the Key in the woods or whatever

But lo and behold everyone’s favorite Evil Corn Chip just so happens to be spyin’ on him, and before too long Bill makes his appearance and acts all friendly to Sora, claiming that he can basically undo the whole norting thing (which he knows all about because of course he would, this is Bill Fucking Cipher we’re talking about here)

Sora’s skeptical but at the same time he’s sort of willing to do whatever he can at this point to keep his heart from being taken over by Mr. Bald Old Fuckhead and all Bill is asking for in return is for him to nab some sparkly snow globe that he claims already belongs to him but was stolen by some local family who Bill makes out to be pretty bad so hey, why not at least give it a shot? (dumb, the kid is dumb this is something we’ve established many times over by this point)

So Sora sets out to look for both the rift and the Key (while also being harangued by Xemnas who’s the Org. baddie of the GF world but errrrr i don’t have a ton of ideas about what he’s gonna do yet so we’ll just skip over that for now and focus on somethin else)

Something else being the fact that Sora happens upon a bunch of kids being attacked by a group of Nobodies, so he swoops in to save them even though the kids already look like they’re holding their own pretty well against them (two of them are out here swinging swords around, one’s really handy with that grappling hook while another one has some sort of magical shield? Its weird??? But cool imo) 

So they all team up to take the Nobodies out and following that, Sora meets and mostly hits it off with the Mystery Kids

Mabel is super hype (she kinda instantly crushes on Sora as soon as she sees him even though he’s too fuckin old for her); Steven and Sora radiate the same sort of Sweet But Sad energy so of course they’re best friends immediately 

Connie’s a lil bewildered by Sora (who the hell goes around swinging a giant key like its a sword, that’s just not practical???) but Dipper’s distrustful radar is instantly raised for a a number of reasons, but the biggest red flag he notices about Sora by far is that his eyes are yellow (btw by this point his eyes will more or less be completely yellow and his hair almost entirely white; he usually wears his hood up to try and hide that, but it got blown off during the forementioned fight) 

So the kids were out and about in the woods for mystery hunting reasons, mostly cause they were trying to cool their heads from all of the stress they’re under mentioned earlier (and cause hey, the summer’s ending soon and they gotta spend all the time they can together at this point) 

However, they quickly change gears when they learn about Sora’s quest to find some magical Key and they all eagerly decide they wanna help with that cause it sounds hella rad; Dipper would likely be the only dissenter to this plan, but he’d be lowkey about it, kinda deciding to keep a suspicious eye on Sora all the while (he doesn’t really act like he’s being possessed by Bill, but ya can never be too sure nowadays...) 

So they all set out in search of the Key (Sora decides not to tell them about Bill or the rift just yet, but even so right off the bat he’s basically decided “yes I’m adopting all four of these kids as my new little brothers and sisters and no one can stop me”)

So cut to the other end of things and we have Ven and Roxas who have basically only just met each other face to face for the first time (they’re both basically constantly doin that spiderman look alike meme); they’ve been more or less teamed up to look for Sora together tho, and they both got a massive guilt complex about the whole thing cause they used to be able to directly protect him inside his heart but now they can’t since they’re out of it so they’re determined to find him and make sure he’s OK

They also show up in Gravity Falls, arriving much closer to the Mystery Shack and the Gem Temple than Sora did; since its the closest thing nearby, the boys decide to venture over to the Mystery Shack to look first 

After some brief, confused yet fun conversation with Soos and Wendy, they bump into Stan and that initial meeting goes something like: 

Stan: Who the hell are you two supposed to be? You twins or something?

Roxas: No??? What the fuck is a twin??

Ventus, realizing that Roxas has like 0 real world experience or regard for world order at that moment right fucking there: (oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck) Ummmm YES WE ARE WE’RE TOTALLY TWINS AHAHA AREN’T WE BROTHER?

Roxas, immensely confused: What the hell is a brother??

And then Ford shows up and Roxas looks between him and Stan is just like “ooooh ok now I get what a twin is” and Ven is just like “oh my god I think Roxas managed to catch some of Sora’s stupidity after all asdkjalsdkalsd” 

Anyway after all this awkward confusion is over, Roxas and Ven bring up that they’re there looking for someone, and while neither Stan nor Ford are that invested, they do offhandedly mention maybe the Crystal Gems can help

Ironically enough, the Gems happen to burst into the shack right then and there, taking refuge from the surge of strange creatures swarming outside (Nobodies & Heartless); the Gems are rather overwhelmed by them since their weapons don’t work that great on them so they’ve come to seek Ford’s help (since he’s got all those weapons and lasers and shit he keeps stockpiled) 

In this Ven and Roxas end up meeting the Gems and both of them are just like :O (Ven’s lowkey like, “Aqua would get along great with these ladies, they’re total badasses just like her!”) and the Gems just kinda pass the boyos off like “yeah whatever there’s a fuckton of monsters outside meanwhile where are our kids?”

Stan and Ford are like *shrug* cause neither of them are very good at being Responsible when it comes to keeping an eye on these danger-prone kids and the Gems are just like *facepalm* “Morons” so they set out to find the kids and Ven and Roxas are like “well they know their way around here so why not go with them to see if we can find Sora too!” and so they all head out on a lil adventure

Then a whole bunch of stuff happens on both sides of the plot that I haven’t bothered to figure out; bunch of cute character interactions and whatever; insert possible second encounter with Xemnas in here somewhere where he basically shows up just to intimidate Sora but Sora’s like “no way jose, you touch any of these precious kiddos and you’ll Die” 

Somewhere in here, under... some circumstances, Sora and the MK make it back to the shack but like... everyone’s gone? (cause they all went out to look for them, didn’t even leave a note, fuckin rude) 

They search the house for anybody and then, on complete fuckin accident, Sora finds his way down into the basement (the portal room to be exact) and what else does he find down there but that thing Bill asked him to get (the rift)! 

Though he’s a little confused about why its there (Bill did say some awful family “stole” the rift from him, but none of the MK are awful, they a bunch of Good Kids); Sora still pockets it like a desperate dummy dumb anyway and doesn’t say a word about it to the kids because he thinks they might be too innocent and young to know anything about it anyway (he’s wrong of course because much like him these kids are Traumatized with a capital T but we’ll just ignore that for now)

Still on the search for that Key, Sora and the kids head out only to run right into Stan, Ford, and the Gems on the way out; course, Ven and Roxas are still with them and they see Sora and they’re like :D while Sora’s just like “aw fuck” and runs away from his problems like always

So he rushes off into the woods and who else would show up but that Motherfuckin Evil Corn Chip again who’s like “yo kid ya got the stuff” and Sora’s just like “brb having a panic attack rn” but then he ends up obliviously handing the rift over anyway cause again he’s incredibly desperate for any way out of his current horrible situation

Of course because I’m a sap for Drama, he happens to do so just as all four of the MK show up, having followed him into the woods and ohohohoh boy oh boy let’s just say them seeing Sora just up and giving the rift over to Bill would be a Moment (well, at least for Steven and Dipper cause they actually know what the fuckin rift is unlike Mabel and Connie who still wouldn’t at that point) 

So basically Bill is a little shit and takes the rift, but he can’t actually fuckin do anything with it cause he’s a physical object and he’s still intangible (or somethin like that idk I just don’t want Weirdmageddon to happen cause it would make things too complicated) so he’s like “fuck gotta find some stupid sap to possess so I can smash this dumb thing” and he nearly targets Sora (cause the kid was already stupid enough to help him in the first place so why not?) until Steven ends up being the one to fend him off using his shield 

Bill shrugs it off and makes off with the rift anyway (its like... hovering or something? idk I’m running out of steam) and everyone panics of course, especially Sora cause he’s just like “well shit I certainly Fucked Up didn’t i?” and the MK are both a mix of “YOU THINK?” (from Dipper and Connie mostly) and “imo not your fault Bill’s tricked just about all of us he’s an asshole” (from Steven and Mabel)

Amidst this a bunch of lil things also happen; the Stans and the Gems show up (along with Ven and Roxas), basically everyone is immensely confused (aka those who have no idea what the fucking rift is) and alarmed (those who do know what the rift is) that Bill has what he needs to more or less fuck the entire world over 

So everyone just decides to put everything aside and team up all together to track Bill down and get the rift back before he can break it (there’s a lot of heartwarming trust moments in here, mostly cause trust is like... the cornerstone theme of the GF chapters in Keys for obvious reasons) 

They eventually do find him and *insert big epic battle scene here* where everyone teams up to basically beat Bill to death or whatever (don’t ask me how they be doin that if he’s intangible, again I.... I’m tired and this post is long enough as it is) 

Yadda yadda yadda they beat him, get the rift back and effectively prevent Weirdmageddon from happening to begin with (which just does SO much wonderful fuckery for UF’s timeline moving forward but whatever, this ain’t about that) 

Oh and during that Climactic Battle Scene somewhere there’s some bit about Sora learning to better trust others/himself that leads to him getting the world’s Key? I-I I dunno its a work in progress...

Anyway after this there’s a lot of good character interactions all around, reconciliations between the UF characters and the Keys characters, particularly between Sora and the MK (again he’s adopted these kiddos and don’t you forget it)

So with the Key in hand, Sora starts to leave and Roxas and Ven almost convince him to go back with them until *insert Big Keys Spoiler here that results in the Organization getting their hands on that Key Sora just got and also results in Sora running away again cause... reasons*

And that’s the end of the chapters or whatever idk 

There’s probably more ideas I had in mind for this but I literally can’t do anymore my brain is dying 

I might possibly write this for reals someday i dunno I’m stuck in two personal hells here so I might as well combine ‘em

Yes I’m aware this post leans more heavily on Keys than UF but its set in the world of UF so fuck off 

Feel free to add on with any thoughts you might have about the idea

I’m tired

Amen 

[multi-fandom-imagines8]

The Perfect Ship

Part 2

Request: Hey, I saw that you’re requests for Spn are open. Can you write a Dean Winchester x reader fic? R is a part of the team and on a mission she discovers that Spn is a book (like a cosplay or smth) and she sees  people shipping them and her reaction is the same as when Dean found out about Destiel. Maybe they end up together after that. I hope that wasn’t too much. Thank you. Requested by anon.

You can read part one here.

Supernatural Masterlist

Word Count: 2348.

Recap:“I think you’re in the new books too” Sam believed.

��As if”.

“I love him, Sammy! What should I do? Do I tell him or do I keep it to myself. I don’t want to get hurt, because you know Dean is a womanizer and I’m not 100% sure that he loves me back” a girl with o/h/c came with a guy who was dressed like Sam.

“Listen Y/n. Life is too short and if you love him, you should tell him. Trust me on this” the guy spoke in a deep tone.

“What the hell is that?!” your mouth was left wide open from shock.

----

“I think that’s supposed to be you and the guy is supposed to be me” Sam informed you.

“No fucking way. I’m not having this. Hey, Lady!” you approached the pair.

“Oh, you’re Y/n too” she smiled at you.

“Oh, no! Not too. There is only one me and that’s definitely not you. Besides, I don’t have o/h/c hair. Also, spoiler alert but me and Dean are not in love with each other, so stop spreading lies!” you were so angry.

“Oh, you’re one of those” the guy said.

“One of who?” you questioned.

“The ones who believe that their OTP is the only valid ship. What are you? A SamY/n shipper? Or one of those who believe that she’s the female version of Dean only lesbian” the guy asked.

“First of all, Ship? There’s no Sam me shit. Second of all, I AM NOT the female version of Dean and I’m definitely not a lesbian. Not as far as I know. What is wrong with you people?”.

“If you’re not a DeanY/n shipper and not a SamY/n shipper or shipping Y/n with any female character, then who do you ship her with?”.

“Nobody. I ship myself with myself. How about that?”.

“Weirdo” the girl said.

“Say that again!” you dared her.

“Listen, everybody is here to have fun. So, don’t be one of those people who believe they are the only people entitled to be a character, okay?”.

“Do I look like a character to you?”.

“Yeah, aren’t you Y/n?”.

“The real Y/n. It’s on my birth certificate, you idiot!”.

“Sure, whatever you say” he scuffed.

You were about to attack him when Sam came in the middle and stopped you, while Dean was standing in the corner and laughing at you.

“Calm down, Y/n. It’s not worth it!” he whispered to you “I’m sorry. She takes this very seriously and forgets herself sometimes” he apologized on behalf of you.

“Seriously, Sam? I take this very seriously? It’s my fucking life” you shouted.

“Welcome to the club” Dean grinned.

“I’m gonna break those pretty teeth of yours” you threatened.

“So, what are we thinking Sammy? Case or no case?” Dean ignored you and asked his brother.

“Huh, there’s definitely a case here” you stated.

“I mean the last couple of times we’ve encountered ‘fans’ there was always a case”.

“I wonder what it is this time”.

“Wait, how many times have you been to events like these?” you asked.

“Well, there was the time we discovered our lives was a book. Then there was the convention, the musical, the crazy obsessed fangirl that I married” Sam informed you.

“Wait, you got married? And did you just say musical?”.

“Oh, yeah! It was awesome!” Dean expressed.

“I thought you hated musicals” Sam commented.

“That was a long time ago”.

“Dean, wait. I’m sorry!” a guy in a trench coat followed a guy dressed like Dean.

“Why the hell did you do that, Cass?” he spoke in a rough manly voice.

The three of you turned to watch the scene.

“I did it for you, Dean! If I didn’t do that, you would’ve died. I can’t lose you again. I just can’t”.

“Well, that wasn’t your decision to make. My life means nothing. If I was meant to die, then so be it”.

“Your life doesn’t mean nothing. It means a lot to many people, to Sam, to me. There’s something I have to tell you”.

“What is it, Cass?”.

“The thing is I was afraid of how you might react the past few years that I haven’t thought about what would actually happen after. I love you, Dean” the guy admitted.

“Yeah and I love you too, Cass. what’s the thing?”.

“No, I love you. Not in a platonic way”.

“Oh…”.

“Say something, Dean”.

“I never thought you would ever say that. I love you too” the two men kissed and you couldn’t help but laugh at Dean’s facial expression.

“Guess you’re used to that, huh?”.

“Shut up!”.

“So, uhm, Dean since when do you have feelings for Cass? Was it when he gripped you tight and raised you from perdition or was it in Purgatory? Don’t tell me it after he died and came back” you teased.

“I’ll tell you when you tell me when you started falling in love with me” he smirked.

“Oh, nice costumes! You should join the costume competition” two girls dressed like Dean and Sam complimented you and Dean.

“By the way, you look great together! DeanY/n is my OTP” one of the girls said.

“Nah, I prefer Y/n with Meg. They had so much sexual tension” the other girl said.

“Meg as in demon Meg?” you asked.

“Yeah, who else?”.

You were about to say something but Dean stopped you “let’s see if they have food, sweetheart. I’m starving” he grabbed your arm and led the way, while Sam went to investigate anything supernatural.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” you removed your arm from his grip and turned to face him.

“I’m enjoying your reaction more”.

“Fuck you, Winchester!”.

“Ooooh”.

“Ewww!”.

“-no, Y/n and Rowena would be the perfect couple. They’re both sassy, surrounded by men with high testosterone levels. Let’s not forget, they’d bond over making fun of the boys. And maybe Y/n’d become her partner when she needs to do a spell that requires two people” a group of girls were debating who you should end up with.

“No, it won’t work, because Y/n is a hunter and witches are considered to be evil. Granted, Rowena is not but Y/n wouldn’t leave the boys and become a witch. But I believe Y/n and Charlie are a match made in heaven. They’d be geeks together and have a lot of fun teasing the boys” another girl said.

“Nah, she and Crowly had a thing. I’m sure of it. I mean every time they’d summon him in Y/n’s present, he’d immediately appear and greet her nicely. Not to mention, he flirted with her many times”.

“Whatever you say, for me it’ll always be the three of them together. Sam, Dean and Y/n”.

“If we’re talking about threesomes, then for me it’s Y/n, Cass and Dean”.

 “If have to sit here and listen to these crazy ass girl for another second, I’m gonna die and I mean it this time” you whined.

“Yeah, I agree. Let’s get out of here”.

---

“Sam, finally! Anything?” Dean asked.

“No, I haven’t found anything. You?”.

“I think the people are possessed” you claimed.

“Why would you say that?” Sam questioned.

“You don’t want to know, trust me” Dean shook his head.

“So, what now? Can we leave?” you asked.

“Not quite yet. Sometimes, the murders happen after an hour or so”.

“Oh, so we’re waiting for a murder to happen. That’s just great!” you sighed.

Suddenly, someone screamed and you rushed towards the source.

“Hey, what happened?” Dean and a guy dressed like Dean asked at the same time.

“I just got here. Didn’t get to have a look at the creature. But he managed to wound me. The poor girl died in fright” a girl dressed like you said.

“You alright?” the guy helped her up.

“Yeah, I’m fine, babe” they started making out.

“Hey, hey, hey, stop that!” you ordered.

“You talking to us?” the guy asked.

“Yeah. there’s no kissing during a hunt. You have a case to solve. Unbelievable! If the world relied on you, there’d be nobody left” you complained.

The pair left feeling ashamed.

“That was not nice” Dean commented.

“You’re one to talk".

“aegrota amore. aegrota amore” a red head and another girl dressed like you recited, while two men stood in front of them. 

“Y/n’s a hunter, not a witch” you told them.

“But what if she wasn’t?” the girl dressed like you asked.

“She’s doing something good. We cast the sick love spell on these demons to get information out of them and to make them steal the demon killing knife from Crowley” the girl dressed as Rowena informed you.

“I see” you raised your eyebrows.

“Now, go get us the knife, boys”.

“I don’t- Y/n doesn’t talk like that” you reminded.

“Maybe she does”.

“Good job, my love” The Rowena cosplayer kissed the You cosplayer.

“Of course you’re together. I should’ve figured” you shrugged.

“Why are there so many people dressed as you? Sam pouted.

“You’re asking the wrong person, Sam. If I can exchange places with you, believe me I would… wait, are you sad that you haven’t seen so many people dressed as you?”.

“Maybe”.

“Dude” Dean shook his head and you laughed.

“I’m gonna go search for the other yous. Let’s just hope I don’t find them with other mes”.

“Wait for me” Dean followed.

“Have you come to tease again?” you asked.

“Nope” he lied “I’m just loving seeing you ‘shipped’ with many different people. I haven’t even thought about most of them” he admitted.

“What do you mean by thought about most of them?”.

“Uhm, nothing”.

“Have you been pairing me up with people we know in your sick little mind?” you questioned.

“Of course not” he lied.

“Liar. Ew! That’s why your enjoying all of this. It’s like your fantasies about me are coming true”.

“It’s not li-”.

“Hey bitches” a Charlie cosplayer walked by you.

“Did she just?”.

“Yup” Dean chuckled.

“Is that a mirror in your jeans?” she flirted with you.

“Uhm, no”.

“Because I see me in your pants” she winked.

“Me and Charlie were best friends nothing happened between us” you informed you.

“Subtext” she shrugged.

“What?”.

“oh, I know this one. It means sex. You can’t spell subtext without s-e-x” he grinned, feeling very proud of himself for knowing that.

“Dean here gets it” the Charlie figure said and high fived him.

“Uhm, no. I’m not dealing with this. And I’m not even going to ask how you know that” you turned around and started walking away while Dean and the girl started talking.

---

“Ah, here you are! I’ve been searching for you two” Dean interrupted your conversation with Sam.

“Dean, just in time. We were just talking about you”.

“Really? What about?” he seemed happy.

“About what yours and Cas’ ‘ship’ name should be. What do you think? Destiel? Deastiel? DeanCas?” you and Sam laughed.

“Shut your face!”.

“Sam informed me how much you needed the name, for your dark fantasies” you smirked.

“I’m gonna kill you both. I hope it was worth it”.

“Oh, look! Here you are!” you told Sam, who was actually excited.

“What should we call it? Sastiel or Samstiel?” he asked.

“Hmm.. good question. Dean any suggestions?” you were enjoying this way too much.

“I’m just gonna ignore the both of you and maybe hook up with a girl pretending to be you” he flashed his eyebrows twice in tease.

“Don’t you dare!”.

---.

By the end of the night, it turned out to be an spirit living in the house killing people, because they disturped their peace. You ended up needing the help of two cosplayers that happened to be dressed as you and Dean, while Sam was stuck inside.

You debated with them the whole time you were outside trying to get to the body, why you and Dean shouldn’t end up together and tried to prove to them that you’re the real you.

“So, I guess ghosts are real” the guy said. 

“Yeah, so is every other creature mentioned in Supernatural. And so are we. We’re the real Y/n and Dean”.

“Riiight, so what’s hell like? And how’s working with a demon like?” they questioned.

“Hell is hell” Dean replied.

“Working with a demon isn’t that bad. I mean there are ‘good demons’”.

“Sure” they nodded in disbelief.

“It’s nice working with you ‘real Y/n and Dean’. I’m Gary, this is Joana” he introduced.

“And with you” Dean shook his hand and gave him a friendly smile.

“The Dean I know wouldn’t let people insult him just like that” you told him once they left.

“Sweetheart, there’s no use talking to them. They’ll never believe us no matter what. Trust me, me and Sam, we tried this before. Never worked”.

“Well, it will work. I will personally see to that. Who wrote the book?”.

“Chuck, aka God”.

“So, we’ll go talk to him and make him sort this mess”.

“We have to find him first, which we’ve been trying for the past two years”.

“Oh, I’ll find him, alright!”.

“So, wanna talk about us?”.

“What?”.

“The ‘cosplay’. What do you really think about people pairing us up?.

“You simply can’t just put ice and fire together”.

“Well, Game of Thrones did”.

“Yeah? And look what happened. I don’t wanna end up like Khaleesi, Jon Snow”

“What about the chemistry and sexual tension we have?”.

“We don’t”.

“Don’t we?”.

“Is that what you think?”.

“I asked you first”.

“Clever! Dean, in our line of work, relationships don’t last. They’re either a means to an end or a distraction and we can’t afford that”.

“Is that what you really think of us?”.

“It’s not what I think. It’s what I know from experi-” before you could finish the sentence, Dean’s lips were pressed against yours. Your eyes widened and you were shocked but within a few seconds you involuntarily closed your eyes and kissed him. When you realized what was happening you stopped and pushed him back.

“What was that for?” you asked.

“Tell me you don’t feel the same and I’ll never kiss you again”.

“Dean, I- I’d be lying if I said so, but it’s not the right moment. Maybe when we’re done hunting”.

“We’ll never be done with hunting. You know how this ends. With one of us dead. So, we should do something about us before it’s too late”.

“As long as you promise me that our private lives and our work lives would be separated”.

“I can work with that”.

Tags:  @thisismysecrethappyplace​​ @berruneko09 @spnwinchestersd​​@simonsbluee​​ @capsheadquaters​

[diadoescomics]

What's your thoughts on the fire emblem heroes book stories and what would you rate each one of them out of 10.

Book 1: 6/10 

I think it was a very good introduction to the world. You get to meet this prickly prince and his high energy sister and as the story progresses you become more and more close and then you end up very good friends which honestly is a very nice change of pace from “I am protag-man this is my right hand person whom maybe I’ve known for 4 days and we already BFFs”.

My issue with Book 1 was that Veronica as a villain is kind of boring? Like am I seriously supposed to be intimidated by a tiny kid who just throws a tantrum every 5 minutes? And even then through the story you learn that under all the edginess she’s a kid who’s lonely (and a bit dumb) who’s just looking for her brother. Plus the mystery with Zacharias/???man/Bruno was predictable but pretty fun.

Book 2: 4/10  

I did Not like Book 2. Book 2 was the exact opposite of Book 1 where I was really interested in the villains but found the “heroes” to be incredibly boring. You save Fjorm from the snow or whatever and she immediately wants to get in your pants. Her whole motivation is supposed to be saving her country/ getting revenge but for the most part she ends up just “Doing it for the Summoner”. Even at the end where she pretty much sacrifices her life, there’s no mention of her sisters/brother/mother, she says she has to do it for Kiran which just comes off as blatant player-worship to me and I do Not care for it. 

As far as her siblings are concerned the only one who had kind of a personality was Gunnthra and we all know how that went. Ylgr and Hrid are cute kids but they barely get to do anything so I can’t really care enough about them to be like “I’ll take this villain down with/for you!!”.

The villains though?? Book 2 did a great job with its villains! You have Loki who seems to be manipulating everything and anything for Some? reason but also maybe has something resembling a heart because she actually helps Veronica out. And even though I hate, despise, abhor her design and her whole “oOOoh I’m provocative in a way no actual person would be”, I can’t pretend that she isn’t interesting as a villain. Veronica also actually gets some character development that shows maybe she isn’t That big of a shitlord too, which is nice!

Surtr was a surprise, I didn’t actually expect FeH to have a completely cruel and actually intimidating Big Bad. Because the last time they had an Evil Patriarch was Garon and that mofo was not scary at all. But Surtr straight up murders Gun-Gun in front of her family and his dialogue actually makes him kinda terrifying. Laegjarn and Laevatein weren’t necessarily “villains” but I found their characters and dynamic to be really cool. Laeg just wants to protect her little sis and Laev probably has so much PTSD from having Surtr as her dad she barely registers emotion. And my boi, MY BoY Helbindi he was so good??? I am an absolute sucker for his kind of character and honestly when he actually got an alt i was over the moon.

Book 3: 8/10

I am loving Book 3 so far. Hel is actually super intimidating, Eir is a damsel in distress that I can actually find myself caring about since you can see she really doesn’t want to hurt people and also suffers years of abuse. I actually really liked Gustav as a character too, maybe he wouldn’t win father of the year but you could tell he actually cared for his kids and his sharp tongue was very much his way of trying to get Alfonse to be a little more hardened because ruling is hard business. Honestly he was also refreshing for a royal fe dad because he wasn’t a complete abusive asshat but also not Super Nice Dad either. 

Alfonse’s character development in this Book was also really good. You see him go from “Trying to play it aloof” in Book 1 to “Soft but Smart Boi hours” in Book 2 and then in Book 3 he has to deal with:

 1) The disappointment of getting cursed by Hel and knowing he’ll probably die without being the heir his kingdom deserves 

2) His dad taking his place and dying instead 

3) Learning Lif is actually unhinged him after he failed to protect his sister and

4) Overcoming All of That and becoming determined to kill Hel and save his own world. And like, my god my boy has grown so much.

I find it very funny that we spend one whole book concerned about Fjorm’s family but they barely do anything in Book 3 (not that I mind personally).

The story starts kind of slow but does a very sharp turn down to Feelsville and I am Here for It! I’m still very worried about how this is going to end but I am also very very excited. 

[peggydoodles]

Pain Day - Ducktales Drabble

Where Scrooge McDuck has the first bad pain day he’s had since Della’s returned home. 

Scrooge has gotten hurt A LOT over the years and I can only imagine all that pain and scars and bad memories getting piled up and hurting from time to time. I wanted to write a little thing with him and chronic pain since I talk abt that headcanon a lot w/ my discord friends. My first time trying to describe chronic pain, hope I did a good job! 

So I thought who’d be better to handle it than Della? She’s known him the longest after all. So I tossed her in there, plus a lil pain from when Scrooge was separated from everyone. Place this within the first week or so that Della’s back.

words :1325 triggers: chronic pain grammar errors: probably a whole bunch

As Saturday mornings go in McDuck Manor, this Saturday morning was a pretty calm one. No explosions, no zombies raising from the dead, no evil forces trying to take over and kill the entire McDuck family. It was just a calm morning. And Della sat down at the breakfast table with her three children (plus Webby) as they all ate a meal of scrambled eggs and bacon.

The only thing missing from his perfect, calm morning was her Uncle Scrooge. It wasn’t like him to miss breakfast. He usually woke up with the sun.

“Hey, Mrs. B?” Della said, mouth still full as she spoke. “Where’s the old man? He’s not dead, is he?”

Mrs. Beakley, who was pouring a cup of tea for herself, shook her head. “No, he’s quite alright. Well, as alright as he can be right now.”

“What’s that mean?” asked Dewey.

“It’s nothing to worry about, dear. It’s just a few old injuries from his more reckless days coming back to bite him in the tail feathers.” The old woman answered.

“What?”

“He’s having a pain day, Dewey.” Whispered Huey, followed by an ‘Ooooh’ from his brother.

Della paused for a moment. She remembered a lot of times from her youth when Scrooge would get hurt protecting her and her brother (mostly her brother) from dangers when they went on adventures. Scrooge always put his family first, not caring if he got hurt in the process, but she knew that even before he took care of her and Donald that he got hurt a lot.

“It’s cool, kiddos! I’ll go check up on him!” She said valiantly, standing up from her chair.

“Oh boy, um, Mom?” Louie spoke up. “You haven’t been her for a while, so I don’t blame you for not knowing, but uh … Scrooge gets really grumpy when he’s like this. He doesn’t like us going in his room.”

The mother simply smiled and ruffled his head feathers. “Sweetie, I’ve been dealing with McGrouchie even before you were born. Ten years has got nothing to do with the fact that I know the best way to deal with it. Huey, how about you go get some heating pads for me and meet me upstairs?” And with that, Della Duck set her path for her uncle’s bedroom.

Once there, Della’s determined smile faded just a bit. She wondered how much worse her uncle’s pain had gotten over ten years. She recalls a time when she was younger and asked about what chronic pain meant and her uncle had described it as his body remembering all the times it got hurt. It was a good explanation for a child, but now Della realized how much it really sucked.

Della quietly cracked open the door to her uncle’s room, a stream of light from the hallway entering the darkened chambers. There she saw her uncle in the position she remembers when she was a child. He was still in his pajamas, his blankets in a ruffled mess, he laid flat on his stomach with his pillow pulled over the top of his head, where he held onto it tightly. It was a tough sight, seeing the man who conquered half the world be bed ridden by a couple of nasty joints.

“Hey, Uncle Scrooge?” Della walked in, closing the door behind her. She was greeted with a muffled ‘mmmggghhh’ from the bed. She quickly made her way over, hoping her leg didn’t make too much noise and knelt down beside his bed.

“You doing okay?” “mmmghh.” “Yeah, I hear ya. How’s it on the scale?” She waited for a moment before Scrooge responded. “Eight.” “Yikes. That bad, huh?” Della stood up and took a quick look around his room. Everything looked the way she left it, but she couldn’t be too sure.

“Hey, Donald didn’t move your medicine at all while I was gone, did he?” She asked. Donald always carried around their uncle’s medicine, he was practically a walking pharmacy. He used to remind her where Scrooge’s pain meds were whenever he would go out of town on a college trip. She was lost in thought that she didn’t realize Scrooge hadn’t answered her. “Scrooge?”

It took a moment before the old man squeezed his pillow to the back of his head, and let out a more pained grumble than before.

He must’ve been more hurt than she thought. Della quickly went over to a drawer beside the bed and pulled out a small orange container. “You’re due for a refill, Unc. I’ll go out and get some later. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it.” She reassured him with a bit of humor in her voice. She took the amount Scrooge was supposed to take and set it down on the end table next to him. “Take those when you’re cool.” And she then sat down on the bed next to him, careful not to move it too much.

“Man,” She started, trying to take her uncle’s mind away. “How Donald managed to take care of you and the boys, I’ll never know.” She laughed. “Must’ve felt like he was taking care of four kids. Well, five if we count Webby.”

There was silence for a while, then her uncle’s body began to shake. He pulled the pillow harder and gripped the case so hard Della was afraid it might rip. It wasn’t until he made a sound that she realized he was crying.

“Oh! Oh, Scrooge no! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, I swear!” Della quickly moved over so she was next to him and grabbed one of his hands. “I know how much you helped. I’m sorry if I made it sound like you didn’t. You’re not a burden, you know that right?” She told him. “You have no idea how happy I am that my boys got to know you.”

“Della?” With his one hand off the pillow, Della could see her uncle’s face as he turned to her.

“Hey there. I’m right here. I’m not gonna go anywhere, I promise. I’m gonna stay right here until you feel all better.” She waits until her uncle regains a normal breathing pace, then she gave him a great big smile. “See? A little better already.”

Scrooge looked like he was going to say something else. And by the look on his face it would’ve been important. 

“Mom?” A little voice peeped from Scrooge’s door. Huey stood nervously with a few heating pads tucked in his arms.

“Hey, honey. Come on over. He won’t bite. Not while he’s like this.” She joked and waved Huey over with her free hand. Whatever it was, it could wait for now.

Once her son had made his way to them, Della took the heating pads and put them over her uncle’s right foot, his back, and under the pillow on the back of his head.

“You know, when I was your age, I used to give Scrooge chocolate when he was like this. Duckworth hated it; said I shouldn’t be giving him any sweets.” Della said, kneeling back down so she could be her son’s height.

“Really?”

“I know, right? The Junior Woodchuck Guidebook says it’s good for reducing inflammation, but the old dog wouldn’t take my word for it.” Della shrugged.

“I have chocolate on me.” Huey stated, reaching into his shirt pocket and pulling out a wrapped, one bite piece. “I have them for whenever Louie gets upset.”

“Ooohh!! Look at you, my little responsible man!” Della wrapped him up in a hug before turning to her uncle. “Scrooge? I’m gonna leave this next to your medicine. Try to eat it okay? Huey and I will be right outside if you need us.”

“We will?”

“Sure! You’re definitely someone I should to talk to. I need you to fill me in on everything about your brothers.” She ushered Huey out the door before turning back to Scrooge. She lifted up the pillow so she could give his head a small kiss.

Scrooge cracked one eye open to see her.

“I’m right here.” Della told him. “I’m gonna be here from now on, I promise.”

[duchessanon]

For the Love of Henri: Tome 5 - Kiss From A Rose

Here's what you missed: https://royalfandombible.blogspot.com/2019/01/for-love-of-henri-my-fanfiction.html

What you missed in summary: Prince Henri married a beautiful pauper girl named Philanthropina (Phily). Together they had baby Libby and adopted Prince George. His evil brother and sister in law were banished from the kingdom for their evil deeds. All was well until Henri decided to bid on Meghan Markle at a charity function. She then bid on the outcast Cambridges. Kate and Meg decided to come together to overthrow Phily.

---

At the footstep of the not £4 million cottage, Henri, Meghan Markle, Willy, Kate and Charlotte stood in anticipation.

Henri put his best stern face on. 'Now I must set some ground rules before we go in. My darling Phily will not be expecting any houseguests. You MUST behave, wear undergarments at all times and not use curse words. All that agree say "aye"'.

Everyone said aye apart from Charlotte who said 'aye aye me bastard'.

Henri gasped in dismay. But Kate, who was keen to impress Henri did the unexpected and disciplined her child.

'Charlotte, wash your mouth out! No Game of Thrones for you tonight'.

'BUSYBODY!!!' Charlotte screamed.

Just then the door of the humble cottage opened and a light so bright emerged. It was so heavenly that it took a moment to notice it was coming from Phily and her cherub of her baby daughter, Libby.

'Speak of the devil and she will come' Willy snickered, and Kate elbowed him in the nethers.

'Henri my love, is everything ok?' she asked sweetly. 'I heard a commotion'.

Phily was dressed the same haggard, brown ensemble she was wearing the day they met. She was not ashamed of her roots as a pauper girl.

'Yes my dear' Henri stuttered, kissing her soiled, hardworking feet. 'We have some visitors'.

Phily was no doubt surprised to see the Cambridges and a random beautiful woman on her door step. But she would never turn anyone away from her door.

'Come in brother, sister and unknown woman', she said selflessly.

During this interaction, Meg had been quietly observing. She needed to be smart if she was going to win over Henri's heart. But every one knew a way to a man's heart is through his nethers, so she touched him on the place she knew to be every man's weak spot - his back.

Henri was startled at the feel someone's hand on his back. No-one did that apart from Phily. But not in a domineering way, in a gentle, supportive way that never implied he was a cuckhold. He knew it could be no one but Meghan Markle. But instead of disgust, Henri felt that uncontrolable nether shudder.

As Phily welcomed the Cambridges, Charlotte greeted her brother George and Libby by rapping Nicki Minaj's 'Monster' while standing on Phily's self made, recycled, environmentally friendly dinner table.

"OK first things first I'll eat your brains Then I'm a start rocking gold teeth and fangs 'cause that's what a motherfucking monster do Hair dresser from Milan that's the monster do

Monster Giuseppe heel, that's the monster shoe

Big Lizzie is the roster and a monster crew

But really, really I don't give a F-U-C-K Forget Georgie, fuck Libby 'cause she's fake She's on a diet but her pockets eating cheese cake And I'll say bride of Chucky is Child's play Just killed another career it's a mild day

Now look at what you just saw This is what you live for Aaaahhh, I'm a motherfucking monster!"

***Musical interlude*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTkEpkGKgoY

The next morning Henri explained that their visitors were only there for 5 days as per the rules of the auction. Phily cooked up a sustainable breakfast and to her shock Kate offered to wash everything up.

'They really have changed' Phily said to Henri, who was weaving baskets for the poor with Libby. 'Even William is taking an interest in his son', she smiled in a motherly way.

Willy and George were weaving baskets next to the window, out of earshot.

'I hate this place!' George said sulkily 'they make me go to a pauper school that they dont have to pay for'.

'You dont say', Willy said smirking, his limited cogs turning in his brain. 'They took a school place from a pauper child, did they?'

'Don't even try it Pops. They offset it by building a new wing of the school with their bare hands and that stupid Phily volunteers as a music teacher too.'

'Ass lickers' Willy scowled. He really hoped he could get in touch with all the tabloids and plant negative stories.

Despite this setback, Willy was happy to see that nature had won over nurture and George had demanded to change his name back from Philip, and had not given in to doing any philanthropy.

Over at the kitchen sink, Kate had enlisted help from Meg with the dishes.

'Right bitch, how we gonna get rid that busybody Phily?' Kate said licking a plate clean and handing it to Meg to dry with Phily's wedding dress, which she had mistaken for a dishcloth.

'Well H will be a breeze, when I passed him after I'd taken a dump this morning, I saw him slap his nethers', Meg said sneakily.

Kate cackled, 'today's the day you make your move, I'll distract Phily, you get him to kiss you, George will take a photo and tweet it to Piers Morgan and we're done!'

'How you gonna distract her?' Meg asked.

Kate winked at Meg. At least she tried, but she couldnt wink so she just blinked instead. 'Watch and learn from the master'.

Kate stumbled into the basket weaving area, clutching her stomach, 'oooh ouch owwww ooooh'.

Phily ran over immediately. With her medical degree, she could solve any problem, 'sister, whatever is the matter?'

Just then, Kate pulled up her skirt, revealing a small head. 'I-i-i-i'm giving birth!'

'WHAT THE FUCK!' Charlotte screamed.

Willy stayed where he was and said nonchlantly, 'you're preggers again?'

'What does it look like dipshit! Sorry Phily I dont mean to curse, it's just painful you know?'

Phily tried to understand, but in reality pain during childbirth is the one thing on earth she couldnt relate to, for hers was pain free.

Ushering Kate onto the handmade couch, Phily went into full midwife mode, sending Henri to get warm towels.

Kate blinked as a signal to Meg and she followed him up the ricketty staircase.

At the towel cupboard upstairs, Meg began to sob.

'Oh dear, Meghan, what be the matter?!' Henri asked with a genuine concern that his brother could never muster.

Meg sniffed, pulling out her best acting skills, 'oh it's just so emotional seeing new life coming into the world'

'There there' said Henri, patting her on the arm.

'Oh H!' she wailed, falling into his arms. She puckered up her lips and launched at his mouth. But before she could land the kiss, Henri turned his cheek.

Around the corner, George snapped the photo using a camera he'd stolen from 'that cry baby' photographer Garther Tedwards.

Although Henri's nethers were now beating like the Beychella marching band, his love for Phily overwhelmed him.

'Stop Meghan Markle! I beg of you', he hollered .

Meg was taken aback by his rejection, 'I'm so sorry H! Please forgive me'. She fled down the ricketty staircase.

Kate was on the couch legs akimbo screaming expletives at Willy, who was now reluctantly sitting next to his wife to assist with the birth.

"FUCK YOU!!!! DID I ASK YOU TO SIT NEXT TO ME YOU BASTARD/BITCH???? FUCK YOU CUNTHOLE!!! FUCK YOU!!!"

Willy chuckled to himslef as he remembered Henri's ex girlfriend, the beautiful Jimmu, who had now somehow possessed Kate.

"IF THIS FUNNY TO YOU NOW??? BLOODY CUNTING BITCH!!! FUCK YOU CUNT!!! FUCK OFF & SHOWVE YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ASS YOU CUNT!!! FUCKING WHORE!!! NOW YOUR OFF MY NICE LIST YOU CUNT!!!"

Meghan held up an X sign to show Kate the plan had failed, which didn't help the situation.

Shortly after, Henri emerged with George and Garthur's camera, trying to explain why stealing was wrong. Curiously, the Cambridge children were the only children in the entire world Henri could not make like him.

After a few long minutes, the baby was ready to come out. Kate pushed one more time and felt something drop onto the couch.

'Is it out?!!!' she yelled.

Phily checked, 'no sister, you've just passed your bowels. Not to worry, keep trying'.

Kate was enraged that Phily would suggest this. 'All I'm good for is making babies, you think I dont know the difference bitch! YOUR BORN A PAUPER & YET YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU EWITH YOUR SHIT COMMENT??? FUCK OFF MOTHER FUCKER I DIDN’T ASK YOU"'

Phily, remaining calm, picked up the brown item with her bare hands, noting in her head that Kate should eat more fruit, and showed it to her.

Kate grabbed the excrement at once and threw it in Willy's face. This delighted Charlotte who danced around him in a circle chanting 'shit face, shit face'.

Finally, sick of being inside such a woman, the baby pushed itself out and landed in Phily's arms. 'William, Catherine - it's a boy', she beamed.

The Camridges faked happiness, but Henri and Phily were genuinely delighted.

'What will you call him?' Phily said, cradling the baby as Kate wanted to watch Real Housewives rather than hold him.

'Shit baby!' Charlotte suggested, but no one agreed.

'Well actually he could have a name related to his arrival' Willy said. 'How about Loo?'

'Loo is the British slang term for toilet' Henri explained to Meg.

'I have an idea!' Meg said. 'Louis - but like Loo - wee'. Kate shrugged in agreeement. 

'You want to name this cherub after a toilet and urine?' Phily asked, feeling sorry for the baby despite the fact he was biting her finger with his gummy mouth.

'You have a problem with my parenting decisions Phily?' Kate asked, almost threateningly.

'Never!' Phily gasped in horror. She would never dream of being so stupid as to judge a woman on what she named, or how she held her baby.

'Charlotte darling, why dont you sing a little song to celebrate Loowee's arrival' Willy said.

Charlotte immediately began a rendition of Lily Allen's 'Fuck you'.

"Fuck you Fuck you very, very much 'Cause your words don't translate And it's getting quite late So please don't stay in touch Do you get Do you get a little kick out of being slow-minded? You want to be like your father It's approval you're after Well that's not how you find it"

 ***Musical interlude***  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OK4fJhbRL1g

---

Two days later, while Phily, Henri and Libby were on an engagement, Meghan finally got a chance to speak to Kate again. She had been busy watching the Real Housewives marathon and telling Loowee to pipe down.

'What we gonna do about H?' Meg asked. 'He's been avoiding me since Loowee's birth'

'It's obvious he's not gonna ditch that halfwit willingly. We gotta get rid of her - for good! It's time for drastic action'. Kate pressed her engagement ring, she had a button installed in it so it would send a shock up Willy's ass when she needed him.

Willy came running, 'yes babykins?'

'Gimme your phone'.

Willy handed it over relutantly. Kate opened his messages and found his conversation with someone only identified by a Rose emoji. She texted quickly - 'get 2 Nott Cott now'.

Five minutes later there was a knock at the door. When Meg opened it, a woman who could have been a Kate impersonator stood before her. 

'Meg, Rose, Rose, Meg' Kate said, not bothering with formal introductions. Willy looked sheepish in the corner (allegedly).

Meg didnt know who Rose allegedly was but she didn't care. She just wanted to know how she could help her ensnare H.

Kate explained the plan. 'As soon as Phily gets home, we're gonna feed her an apple dosed with botox. Phily is allergic to anything superficial so she'll become drowsy. That's where Rose comes in. She's a witch and with one kiss, Phily will be gone.'

Meg considered the implications of killing the future queen, but came to the conclusion it was worth it.

And so the plan was set. Meg wrote 'you are so loved Phily' on an apple and Kate injected it with the botox she always kept in her bra.

When Phily got home, she was full of the joys of spring. 'We met the most wonderful disadvantaged people today', she beamed. 'I just love saving people'.

Henri smiled lovingly at his wife, 'and they love you, belle'.

'Speaking of love!' Meg said. 'You must take this gift'. She handed her the apple and Phily was touched.

'How wonderful! I will eat it later' she said.

'No you must eat it now sister' Kate said, wearing a full hooded cloak.

'But it's time for dinner' said Phily.

'So what, eat it!' George said impatiently.

'Yeh Phily, why you gotta be so busybody?' Charlotte added.

'Oh no I really shouldnt' Phily said innocently.

'Just eat the fucking apple!' said a voice from the window. They all turned around and Philpot was riding past on his horse and cart.

'Well if grandfather says so' Phily said. She bit into the apple and immediately felt a little faint as the botox hit her pure blood.

Elegantly, she fell into Henri's big, strong arms.

'Mon amour!' Henri yelled, carrying her up the ricketty stairs swiftly.

'Oh no, what has happened?' Meg said. Her acting ability really was wasted on Suits.

'There must've been something artificial in the apple' Henri said, laying her on their handmade bed.

'How could there be?' said Kate. 'It's from your very own Orchard For the Hungry'.

Phily was still breathing but was confused.

Henri was devestated at the thought that his orchard might be to blame.

'It's ok Henners, I know a great doctor that is THE expert on allergies'. Meg said.

Just then there was a knock at the bedroom door and Rose allegedly entered wearing a white doctor's coat.

'Here she is now, this is Dr Rose, allegedly', Meg said.

Henri didnt have time to question how she got there so fast, so just said in a panicked voice, 'Dr Allegedly, please help my wife!'

'Everyone who is male and under 2 years of age must leave the room' said Rose.

'No I can not leave her!' Henri wailed, falling at Phily's bedside.

George at once knew it was his time to shine because his father was too dimwitted to defuse this situation.

'Uncle Henri, please could you tell me again why one should never dress as a member of a fascist, murdering political party? I just dont understand why it's so bad' George said sweetly.

Henri knew at once that his greater calling was to teach George right from wrong. It is what Phily would want.

He left the room with one last glance at Phily who was humming 'Once upon a dream'.

That left Kate, Meg, Rose, Charlotte and Phily.

'Get it done Rose!' whispered Kate.

'In order for the enchantment to work, you must all join hands and sing the death kiss soundtrack, the underrated classic 'Kiss from a rose' by Seal'.

***Musical interlude*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMD2TwRvuoU

Rose kissed Phily on the lips, as the others encircled them singing hypnotically.

A pink mist left Phily's mouth and was inhaled by Rose. 'It is done'.

There was a moment of silence before Kate fell at Rose's feet and looked deeply in her eyes as she sang.

"You remain

My power, my pleasure, my pain.

To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, yeah

Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby.

But did you know, That when it snows,

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen."

Meg gasped. She had been foolish. It was Kate who was allegedly having an affair with Rose, not allegedly Willy!

She didnt have time for that revelation now. She needed to check Phily was really gone.

Checking her pulse, she waited for a few moments until suddenly she felt it beat.

'Damn it Rose, she's alive!' Meg said, losing her temper.

'ARE YOU DUMB, BITCH??!' screamed Charlotte.

Rose rushed over from her alleged embrace with Kate, who had shed her cloak and was now in a real snake skin body suit.

She checked her pulse, and discovered Meg was correct. Her pulse was beating every 19.84 seconds - the year of Henri's birth.

'Oh fuck' Rose allegedly said. 'I've only heard about this happening in fairytales. When the love between husband and wife is pure, the kiss will not work to its full effect'.

Meg screamed into her hands. 'How can it be pure when H's nethers react to me?'

'That is simply a test from Jesu. The point is, Henri has resisted your advances, thus proving the purity of his love'. Rose explained to the room.

At this point, Charlotte lost it. She wanted to be back in her £4 million apartment, not this shitty dive.

'I don’t need a damn explanation about what she asked. Seriously do not act too smart about teaching me things. Asshole answer the question do not even try to be a bloody smart ass. Seriously pisses me off!!!' she yelled.

Rose looked at Kate quizically.

'A bout of Jimmutitus' Kate shrugged.

'What do we do?!' Meg said desperately.

'As long as Henri doesnt suck Phily's toe, the curse will remain in place and the princess will remain in a slumber forever' said Rose.

Kate stroked her chin, 'so technically, we could just SAY Phily's dead? As long as we keep any qualified medical staff away from her?'.

'I guess' Rose said. 'Can I go now?'.

'Yeah, bye', Kate said.

'How are we gonna keep everyone away from Phily?' Meg asked. 

By this point Kate was running out of patience with her co-conspirator and her incessant questions.

'HEY FUCKER, DID I ASK YOU ANYTHING???? DID I??? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!' Kate screamed.

'Uh oh you've done it now' Charlotte sniggered.

Meghan was stunned, 'but I-i-i-i was just asking, we're running out of time'

'WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU BITCH FOR YOUR SHIT OPINION??? BLOODY FUCKING BITCH!!! GET A LIFE!!!'

'Ok ok I'm sorry Kate!'

'MAYBE IF YOU HAD SHUT THE FUCK UP I WOULDN'T BE SCOLDING YOU NOW!!! FUCKER!!! Just shut up and let me think'.

Kate closed her eyes and thought for approximately 10 seconds. In the meantime, Charlotte took off her sock and stuffed it in Meg's mouth to stop any more questions.

When Kate was done thinking, she strode over to the window and flung it open. Beneath her was the sprawling gardens of Kensington Palace.

She took a deep breath and yodelled out of the window 'EUUUUUUGBEEEEEEEEEEEEEA!!!!!!'

Meghan wanted to ask who Eugbea was but she didnt dare.

Within 5 seconds, a figure came running up the lawn. Charlotte leant on the window frame watching the woman run 'urgh her dress is SO tragic'.

'Meg get over here, lean your head back like this', Kate said.

Both woman stuck their heads out of the window and their hair tumbled to the ground.

When Eugbea reached the bottom of the window, she said 'I think I should go up the stairs'

'SHOVE WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!! Get up here!' Kate hollered.

Eugbea knew better than to argue and began climbing up the wall using the hair as ropes. Finally she made it to the top and clambered into the bedroom.

As soon as she saw Phily lying unconscious on the bed, she let out an inhumane wail. Phily was like the sister Eugbea never had.

'There there, let it out' Kate said, patting her back, suddenly kind. Charlotte stood underneath her catching her tears in her hands.

As usual, Meghan was perplexed so Charlotte filled her in whispering 'this is Eugbea, a blood princess. Blood princesses cry diamond tears so I'm collecting them to make a cage for Phily.'

Meg didnt understand how Charlotte had worked all of this out in the minute that had gone past, but she wanted it to work so bad that she too patted Eugbea's back.

Eugbea turned around nervously at the touch, 'w-w-who are you?'

'No time for that' Kate said, poking her in the eye.

Eugbea cried even more until there were enough diamonds to build the cage.

At once, Charlotte threw the diamonds in the air and they cascaded down in the shape of a dome around Phily, creating a solid diamond barrier.

Once they had ensured nobody could get through it by repeatedly shoving Eugbea against it, Kate pushed her back out of the window and slammed it shut.

'We ready girls? Put on your best sad faces'. They all turned their smiles upside down and Kate pressed her engagement ring.

Willy came flying up the stairs with the boys and Libby. Henri stormed towards his love.

'What is this!' he asked in dismay, looking at Phily through the dome.

Meg began to cry dramatically, 'Dr Rose did everything she could but it wasnt enough, she's gone!!!'

Henri fell flat on his back like a plank, 'NoOoOoOoOoOoOoooooooOOOO!'

Libby ran over and began to sing 'Memory' from Cats in a beautiful operatic voice (the musical version, not the movie one because Libby had refined tastes).

"Touch meeeeee,

It is so easy to leave meeeeee

All alone with the memoryyyyyyyy

Of my days in the suuun

If you touch me,

You'll understand what happiness is

Look, a new day has beguuuuuuuuun"

***Musical interlude*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm5w7gHEtJI

----

No public outcry was big enough for Phily. So the royal family decided to send her diamond tomb around the commonwealth via boat (not environmentally unfriendly jet) so her people could say goodbye personally. She was pulled over dying land on a horse and cart, and people threw seeds at her tomb instead of flowers. This meant that the land would become nourished once more.

Even when dead, Phily was working.

After 6 months of travelling, she returned to the UK and was placed in the Windsor Castle tomb with all the greatest kings and queens of England. Luckily for Meg, no one had noticed that Phily was indeed alive.

Henri was devestated but continued to work, alongside Libby.

The public love for Phily had meant that the Cambridges were provisionally forgiven and they moved back into KP on the condition that they undertook at least one engagement a year.

Meghan Markle had remained in Nottingham Cottage to support Henri while flying (not boating) back and forth to Canada to film her show Suits.

Meg had not tried to seduce Henri's nethers as she knew she must gain the public's trust first and act as a good friend.

But she couldnt wait any longer. Since Kate had moved home, she wanted nothing more to do with Meg, so she had concocted a new plan all by herself.

One evening, Henri was carving scultptures for the PPPCT - Princess Philanthropina Pauper Conservation Trust. Meg was in the kitchen roasting a chicken and wafting the smell towards Henri to replicate the cozy vibes Phily always managed to make.

'H, I was thinking for the 6 months anniversary of Phily's passing, we should have an event, the public need to be cheered up' she said, sounding philanthropic.

'A wonderful idea to think of the people of Britain and the commomwealth Meghan, what shall we do?'

'Mmmmmm, well what cheers the British more than anything?' she asked innocently.

'There are only 2 things that cheer Brits. Winning a sport and a royal wedding for a SENIOR member of the family', Henri said.

Meg smirked to herself, he'd bought it hook, line and sinker. 'We cant cheat in sport so maybe a royal wedding is our only option!'

'But we have no single members left that are loved enough' H said dumbly.

Meg rolled her eyes behind his back. 'Well you are single H, and no one is more loved than you!'

H gasped. 'I couldn't!'

Meg, wearing a British flag dress batted her eyelashes. 'Phily is gone and she'd want you to be happy. But she'd want you to make the British people happier'.

H thought for 1.5 seconds and decided she was right. He scolded himself for being selfish, Phily WOULD want him to serve the people above anything else.

'You're right Meghan, but who would I marry?'

'It's funny you asked because I found this in between Phily's reuable sanitary pads' she pulled out a ring box and opened it. Inside was a diamond engagement ring. 'Phily must have had it made, just in case this happened'.

H wept, 'oh my love was so kind!'.

Meg accidently on purpose dropped it on the floor and when Henri gallantly bent on one knee to pick it up, she yelled 'YES!'

'Um what?'

'YES I'LL MARRY YOU!' she grabbed Henri by the collar and pulled him into a hug, planting a big kiss on his perfect lips.

Henri was speechless. It seemed he had just proposed.

And just like that, Meghan Markle and Henri, the Prince of the People, were engaged to be married!

[fursasaida]

what kind of NCIS episode produces the phrase “capitalist jihad”? asking for a friend

s5e11 is a fucking trip

it’s all about islamophobia, basically (WOW this show took a turn in season 5)

opening is in a mosque during prayer. filmed in the traditional “look at this evil hive mind” manner. one congregant seems like he’s sick or drugged. 

the imam’s arabic is...not quite right, and then he switches to english; pretty sure he’s supposed to be arab, so him saying something like “IZZ-lam” is kind of hilarious

the shaky young man leaves, collapses in an alley, is followed in by a white man in a hoodie. hoodie guy takes his gun, shoots him, then takes his wallet, watch, and ring. 

ZOOM IN on dog tags showing our now murder victim is both muslim and a marine. WHO COULD HAVE EXPECTED!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!!!

when Ziva and Gibbs enter the mosque to check it out, the imam assumes they’re there to interrogate every man under 30. NCIS is woke now 

Ziva is more deferential to gender separation in the mosque than Gibbs because “I am Jewish. I understand tradition.”

this from the woman who in her early appearances was a gung-ho mossad volunteer because her sister had been killed by hamas. 

i’m not saying it’s impossible for a real person to have both these opinions, just that IMO the show uses her as a basic cipher for Israeliness and, as is often the case, therefore a somewhat aspirational model for Americanness in certain respects. when she came on board, she was established as supertough, hyperviolent, willing to do anything for the mission, always assuming everything was terrorism, etc. now in this episode, which exists to be a “grappling with xenophobia/islamophobia/racism” episode, suddenly she’s hypertolerant and understanding.

evidence: in this same episode it is revealed that she “likes muslims” because her best friend growing up was muslim and he was killed in an israeli airstrike when they were 12. which is a precise reversal of the backstory about her sister.

this backstory is revealed in a conversation with the dead marine’s father, who is also the imam of the mosque where we opened, lest the symbolism escape us.

(i should note that she killed her half-brother, who was a kind of geopolitical experiment: her father, the head of mossad, deliberately got a palestinian woman pregnant to have the perfect sleeper agent for the palestinian territories. he grew up hating his father, mossad, israel, etc. and was a double-agent terrorist. ziva is entirely defined by the deaths of people around her, is what i’m saying; her only real love interest was a terminal patient when she met him. and aside from this love interest, every one of those deaths is a palestinian muslims killed by israeli jews, an israeli jew killed by palestinian muslims, or a hybrid killed by a combination of his israeli jewish father’s ruthlessness, his own racialized/islamicized terrorist actions, and his jewish israeli sister.)

(my point is that ziva is not a real character, she is always a cipher for some aspect of the GWOT)

explosives residue is found, i shit you not, on the murder victim’s PRAYER RUG. is it because he was handling and defusing IEDs on deployment in iraq, or because he was in a terrorist cell??? THE AMBIGUOUS DUALITY OF IT ALL. HAVE I MENTIONED A MUSLIM MARINE IS REALLY CONFUSING BECAUSE NCIS WANTS TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE CLEAR ON THAT. NO MUSLIM HAS EVER LED A NORMAL LIFE

the imam, with ziva’s help, appeals to ducky not to autopsy his son because it goes against the religion. ducky is immediately sympathetic because of experiences in bosnia. (ducky is often a cipher for colonial britain; he’s been to every poor, war-torn, and/or developing country in the world, always having fun hijinks with tribal chiefs or volunteering unto the less advanced. this despite his proud scots identity, which you’d never guess from his accent or his mother’s accent; as represented onscreen they’re just real-ass english gentry. ducky only goes scots when they want him to seem folksy.) gibbs and the director object.

when ducky hits on the painfully obvious solution of using cat scans and mris instead of cutting him up, palmer then engages in one of those dumb moral exposition conversations about why should anybody get special treatment, no i don’t have a problem with muslims but they seem to have a problem with “us,” etc. this actually leads to a nice moment where ducky declares that nothing will get better until we learn to respect each other, as he hoists the body into the cat scanner.

when the team goes to plant bugs in the mosque, they comment to each other about how it shouldn’t be this easy to surveil a mosque, and if this were a church or a hospital they’d still be waiting on a warrant. they then immediately drop this to compete over who gets to plant the bug before it turns out the FBI is already there! zoinks!!

zoinks again!! new suspect is a white guy who converted to islam in prison!! and this white guy has the real-deal takfiri ideology going on! “ryan” is his “slave name”!!!!!! (”your slave name?” “yes. you want a statement? death. to america.”) 

oh my god @ literally everything

the fbi thinks the mosque is a recruitment site for al qaeda (which, in NCIS, is actively operating on american soil like.........constantly). but there’s not a cell here! al qaeda has a new business model! they pay people! not only muslims! american citizens, even!!!!!

and that, my friends, is how you get to “capitalist jihad” 

ooooh, it seems like the imam might be in touch with this german guy who recruits for al qaeda (don’t even ask). but wait! plot twist! the imam actually called the fbi on his own mosque! his son was undercover for them!! whoda thunk the muslims mighta been on the right side!!

come to think of it, off the top of my head this is the fourth instance of NCIS doing a kind of cold-war-spy thing where the muslim threat is from white or white-passing people, the whole “you never know who has infiltrated” thing. there was a major incident with a swedish honeytrap who was gonna kill dinozzo because she was secretly hamas.

imam: why do you hate us? gibbs: i don’t. imam: your people do. all we ask for is to live in peace and observe our beliefs. gibbs: i think you are. imam: islam came to your country with hostility in 2001, and that was wrong. but YOU came to our land 500 years ago and you have never left! all we wish for is to be left alone to practice our ways, and yet you cannot LEAVE us alone! why? gibbs: the recruiter killed your son. because he said no, or because he said yes?

i don’t even know what to say about this conversation, except that it’s a strange combo of weird and dumb.

after the FBI stuff, the imam says, “find this recruiter and let me have my vengeance.” gibbs: “no. he’s mine.” this is just so hilariously ncis, even as it’s trying so hard to be, uh, a different show than it actually is

ANNNNND heyo, the murderer is indeed the german guy, but the white guy in the alley was our noble dead marine’s personnel officer, the very one who vouched over and over that the kid never would have been involved in any bad terrorism stuff. took a payoff from al qaeda via steiger! a white guy, and not even a muslim! truly, no one can be trusted

(note how the episode moves away from racialized islam toward the unthinkable opposite: from muslims in a mosque, to a patriotic american muslim, to potential other muslims as perpetrators, to a white american convert as perpetrator, to a white american non-muslim marine reservist plus a german as perpetrators.)

german guy turns up dead, it’s basically made clear that the imam killed him in revenge, probably with some sort of help from gibbs. anyway, gibbs isn’t going to prosecute him for it. good ol’ american revenge! woo!!

what an insane triple-decker sandwich of competing impulses THIS was

[youremyonlyhope]

Children of Earth: Day 5

AKA: Torchwood just loves to hurt of its fans.

OR: Some of the most upsetting and disturbing stuff I’ve ever watched.

Why why why why why am I watching this? I don’t know? But I don’t know when I’ll have time to, so I’m watching it now. Before i chicken out and avoid it for months.

I’m gonna press play. If I remember correctly, the episode opens with Gwen on camera right? Giving that chilling speech? I hope I’m wrong because I’d rather work up to that and not just be thrown into it. Too painful.

Ok the preview played. Are those doors airtight? The ones the people were banging on before they died? Shouldn’t the virus have gotten out? NOOOO IT’S GWEN’S VIDEO WHY. “The Doctor must look upon this planet, and turn away in shame.” Just... That line hit me so hard the first time and I still think about it and it still hurts. I’m so so so stressed out. I hate the Prime Minister so much. I love Rhiannon so much. I love her taking in all the kids. I hate that her taking in all the kids leads to the most upsetting scene I’ve ever had to watch. I’m emotional already, my eyes are wet. No. She said “My brother works for the government” and she has no idea about Ianto wow I am in pain. I still like the American General, for now. “Any soldier refusing to do his duty will make his own family liable” YEAH SO ME STILL LIKING THE AMERICAN GENERAL LASTED ALL OF ABOUT 2 MINUTES. Ok Unit Colonel, please, please don’t disappoint me. You’re the only one left that I like. Oh, I still like Dekker since he’s at least smart. Glad he survived since he was the only one who actually believed they’d be back and prepared for it by keeping track of the 456 frequency. Honestly, UNIT should have been on this a long time ago. I wish I could remember my exact reaction to finding out they use the kids to get high. This time around, when 456 said “We need them for the hit” I just kind of rolled my head back slowly because I forgot that that was the way they worded it. “Let’s not forget, your government started this trade. You opened the market over 40 years ago.” I don’t like the American General anymore but he’s still right, and still better than the PM. Oh god we got the World Health Organization in on this too. Frobisher’s too smart. Frobisher really deserved better than being sucked into this. Better than having all of this on him. LOIS DESERVES BETTER TOO. I can’t remember if Torchwood gets her out of jail and gets her record cleared, but they better. Jack. Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack I hate everything I love you and I love that you love Gwen so much that you want her away from this but I hate everything that’s about to happen I hate everything and I hate Torchwood especially. I LITERALLY FORGOT GWEN’S EVEN PREGNANT AT THIS POINT. AND THEN I JUST REMEMBERED. Oh poor Lois. Also, I think this jail cell set is the same one from Small Worlds. I can’t breathe. I literally can’t breathe. This when PM tells Frobisher his kids will be taken, isn’t it? “Terrible day.” Understatement of the century, Frobisher.

I’d forgotten that his kids had been picked as a way to show the public it was all ok. The PM didn’t have to have his kids actually go through with being taken. He could have had them be given a flu shot in their home, or even in some other location after Frobisher lets them go off with the soldiers, and be like “look it’s just a shot.” BUT NO. HE TELLS FROBISHER TO HIS FACE “YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO BE GIVEN TO THE 456 TO BE USED AS A DRUG.” IT COULD HAVE ALL BEEN FOR SHOW. BUT THIS EVIL PM IS LETTING THEM BE TAKEN. WHY? WHY?!?!?!?!? FROBISHER’S DONE NOTHING BUT BEEN LOYAL TO A FAULT. A HORRIBLE FAULT. BUT HE DID EVERYTHING HE WAS TOLD. AND YOU REPAY HIM BY TAKING AWAY HIS KIDS? AS A WAY TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC?

OOOOH IT’S SO “THE GOVERNMENT MUST BE SEEN AS A VICTIM OF THE 456.” HIS KIDS HAVE TO GO MISSING AND “DIE” TOO. SO 1/10TH OF ALL KIDS ARE TAKEN, BUT ONLY ONE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL’S KIDS END UP BEING PICKED? OUT OF HUNDREDS OF GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS, OR AT LEAST THE 20 THAT WERE IN THE PLANNING ROOM, ONLY 1 HAS THEIR KID BE PART OF THE 10%? AND IT’S THE ONE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL THAT ALL OF THIS BLAME IS BEING PUT ON IN THE FIRST PLACE? I HATE EVERYTHING.

“If you put me on camera, I will tell people the truth.” YES FROBISHER. I mean, I’m mad it took you specifically being affected to start fighting back, but at least you came around eventually. And you did kind of rebel just the tiniest little bit last episode in a subtle way. “But then your daughters would know where they’re going. Best not.” SO HE’D STILL FORCIBLY TAKE THEM FROM HIM. I HATE HE’S SO CALM. “I’m sorry John.” You’re not sorry at all. You’d let your own kids or grandkids be taken if you were truly sorry. “And I’m really very busy” OH. OH. SO NOW YOU’RE BUSY. YOU WEREN’T BUSY BEFORE WHEN YOU WERE MAKING FROBISHER DO ALL THE HARD STUFF. Andy. Andy my baby I want to cry I’m so happy to see him. Oh I guess Gwen’s trying to protect Andy’s family by not telling him, since the stupid American General said anyone who didn’t follow orders would have their kids picked. He doesn’t have kids, so I guess maybe any children in his family. “That’s what Torchwood does, you see. It ruins your life.” Truer words have never been spoken. The paparazzi. No. IT WAS BRIDGET WHO GOT HER OUT. I never hated Bridget. Sometimes she frustrated me, but I never was actually mad at her throughout this whole thing. I hope I wasn’t mad at her the first time... Oh god they filmed the girls going up the stairs through the front door window, like paparazzi.

God I’m like... shaking. I cannot describe the feeling, it’s not even shaking it’s different. I almost feel like I want to throw up. And Bridget already using “John Frobisher was a good man.” in the past tense. I had to pause and stretch to try to get the feeling to go away. Oh my god. It’s still there in my shoulders.

Never mind, Bridget doesn’t get her out. I still don’t hate Bridget though. Oooohh Rhiannon doesn’t know Gwen. Oh no. Do these soldiers know what they’re doing when they hand off the kids? Because the first time around, they got Jack to do it since they thought he wouldn’t care. But I guess the “you family will be picked” threat is what’s making them do it. This teacher fighting for the kids... my heart. God. I’m just an assistant dance teacher and work at an after school, but if they tried anything like this to my kids I’d fight tooth and nail. Wow I’m emotional. The boy running to his mom and being grabbed by a soldier. Wow. God just... Gwen probably treasured the moment where Ianto gave her a new wedding dress... and Rhiannon kind of took the memory away in her grief. “Then we better go and get them” AMERICAN GENERAL, I HATE YOU AND I HATE THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO GET ON THE PM’S LEVEL OF AWFULNESS. “He’ll be fine. The nice kids are safe.” THEY’RE ALL NICE. THERE ARE NICE KIDS AND BULLIES OF ALL LEVELS OF “VALUABLE” OR WHATEVER YOU GUYS ARE USING TO PICK THE KIDS. SO NO, NOT ALL THE NICE KIDS ARE SAFE. Oh god poor Lois again. My baby Andy. Deciding to help distract the guards and buy more time. I love Andy so much. Breaking into houses... why why why. My baby Andy. He should have kept on the armor since it’d protect him, but I understand the metaphor of him shedding his police uniform to fight the soldiers. Johnson, girl, I love you at this point since you’ve officially flipped sides and you were always awesome even when you were bad, but Dekker did not deserve to be shot. Gwen was holding the littlest girl while making the video. Oh god I hurt. Oh Rhys. 80% Ughhhhh whyyyyyy Oooooh Dekker. Dekker no. Dekker. No. No no no. I was remembering this as Jack’s idea. As something Jack thought of reluctantly. But no. It was Dekker. AND I SPENT THE ENTIRE SEASON SAYING HOW MUCH I LIKED YOU. I know you’re on our side, but it was easier to blame Jack for sacrificing his own grandson, a child that he has at least some sort of custody of. NOT YOU SUGGESTING SACRIFICING SOMEONE ELSE’S KID. AND HE LAUGHED ABOUT HIM “FRYING.” WHYYYYY. No background music while Alice screams “Steven.” I hurt. WHO IS THIS LADY WHO RATTED OUT WHERE THE KIDS WERE? I GOT SO CLOSE TO CRYING JUST NOW. IF THE SCENE OF THEM RUNNING LASTED 10 MORE SECONDS I WOULD HAVE BEEN SOBBING. THE MOST HORRIFYING AND UPSETTING SCENE IN TORCHWOOD. I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THE CHILDREN SHRIEKING. “We can say that today’s events were in American hands.” I. HATE. YOU. SO. MUCH. PRIME. MINISTER. OH MY GOD. YOU THINK OF NOTHING BESIDES SAVING YOURSELF. YES BRIDGET CALL HIM OUT. MY. GIRL. BRIDGET. YES. Ok Denise just because you’re a better person than the PM does not make you a good person. But thanks for looking out for my girl Lois. HIS VORTEX MANIPULATOR. I forgot that that could have gotten destroyed, I was focusing on his coat too much.

I hate Jack and his stupid habit of running off. Stop it. Please baby stop it.

Ok. Gotta get in a car for an hour. Will edit and add thoughts later.

Aaaaannnddd I’m back!

Children of Earth probably is Torchwood’s best season. But Season 2 is still my favorite season. But I appreciate Children of Earth so much more now since honestly over this last year or so sometimes I’d be like “Was Children of Earth REALLY that good? So good that everyone has to say Season 1 sucks and Season 2 is only ok?” and yeah COE is pretty fantastic, people aren’t exaggerating I just had blocked a lot of it out because it was so painful. I still love Season 2 more. But that’s because I’m biased and love Owen and Tosh too much.

God Ianto. Poor Ianto. And poor Rhiannon, losing her brother and then nearly losing her kids. Why why why must Torchwood kill all of my babies. All of my loves. Torchwood, STOP KILLING OFF MAIN CHARACTERS. And give Owen and Tosh shrines too.

Children of Earth is way too relevant right now with Trump’s zero tolerance policy separating families. Especially Day 4, that was hitting wayyyyyy too close to home. People always say that Children of Earth is so good because it’s exactly what would happen in that situation, and yeah after this month that’s pretty much confirmed. And the worst part is that you can’t even be completely mad at the people begging for their children not to be picked because we just naturally want to keep our families safe above everything else. It’s understandable, but still horrible. It’s selfishness but... almost not since it’s because you care for others? It’s just that the others that you care for are related to you. It’s such a complicated and messed up situation.

But the Prime Minister was just plain selfish. Not even motivated by his love for his children like the selfishness of other characters. He just wanted to keep his image clean. I hate him SO MUCH. I THINK I HATE HIM THE MOST OUT OF ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THE WHONIVERSE. Literally I cannot think of anyone else I hate more. Not even Daleks. Not even Cybermen Not even the Master since at least when the Master’s being evil they are also lovable. Or at least Simm!Master and Missy were lovably evil, I haven’t seen any Old Who episodes with the Master.

Lois Habiba. Girl deserves to be the new Prime Minister. Just, give her whatever job she wants. She’s so fantastic. I love her so much. She deserves everything. I’m glad Denise at least got her out of jail and pardoned.

Peter Capaldi. I cannot put into words. How much I love Peter Capaldi. He blew me away. I’ve told the story many many times, but it was mid-August, 2013, and everyone and their mother is being listed as a potential 12th Doctor. The announcement’s either a day or 2 days away, and I’m scrolling through tumblr and see someone say “Peter Capaldi’s name has popped up on a lot of lists of who could be the next Doctor.” and I got “Who’s Peter Capaldi? Why does that name ring a bell?” So I google him. And I see he was in Torchwood. I had just finished watching Torchwood barely 2 months earlier. So I go “HIM. I WANT HIM TO BE THE NEXT DOCTOR. PLEASE TELL ME IT’S GONNA BE HIM.” because he blew me completely away as Frobisher and I was sure he could blow me away as the Doctor. The day of the announcement comes, but I have to go to lunch with my grandpa and my step-uncle while it’s supposed to be airing. Right before we leave, I go to the bathroom and check my phone, and my tumblr has blown up with gifs of Peter Capaldi being revealed as the Twelfth Doctor. And I was so happy because I knew the Doctor was in good hands. And I loved Capaldi as the Doctor. He’s honestly my second favorite Doctor after Nine. Apparently, I love my Doctors to be a little grumpy. And Twelve was sooooooo grumpy and I loved it. And he was also so kind and caring. I loved every second of it. I loved everything about Twelve. I LOVED his guitar, I joked that Capaldi leaving was like a bad break up for me because in the days after Christmas, if I looked at a guitar I’d end up sobbing because it reminded me of Capaldi. I even loved the sunglasses that half the fandom hated, I thought they added to his older-Doctor-who’s-kind-of-punk-and-doesn’t-know-people-think-he’s-old thing that he had going for him. I thought they were perfect. And I loved that Twelve being a “good man” was an overarching theme for his run. I’m honestly still mad they didn’t acknowledge Frobisher in the show (and my ultimate dream was Jack coming back and seeing Twelve and FREAKING OUT thinking Frobisher was still alive) but I’m glad that the “good man” theme was probably definitely a little subtle reference to Frobisher.

John Frobisher was a good man. A good man in a very horrible situation. I hate that after all that, he not only died, he killed his family and himself. Because death was a better fate for his daughters than being drained as a drug for aliens. And he and his wife could never live without their daughters so he had to kill her and himself too. AND THEN IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING. BECAUSE JACK MANAGED TO SAVE THE WORLD IN THE END. FROBISHER DIED FOR NOTHING. HE KILLED HIS FAMILY FOR NOTHING. And the 3 quick shots, followed by one a few seconds later. Because he had to look at what he had done before he killed himself. Wow. TORCHWOOD HURTS ME SO MUCH. PETER CAPALDI, YOU ARE AMAZING. And finding out that the Frobishers dying was like Time’s way of correcting Caecillius’ family surviving Pompeii just completely RUINED ME. I think I literally felt my soul leave my body once I figured that out. And sure enough I looked into it and saw that RTD and Moffat confirmed it.

Jack killing Steven. I get why he did it. It was the only way to ensure that he would be the only one to suffer. Except, Alice had to suffer too. But it was the closest thing to Jack being the only victim of what he did to save all the other children. If he had picked another child it would have hurt that child’s family. Jack would rather he and his daughter be the only ones in pain. And Alice looking at him one last time before leaving forever. Wow. It hurts. I wish there had been another way.

Yep. So. That was a painful journey. I don’t know if I’ll watch Miracle Day. But yeah. That’s it for Children of Earth. Lois Habiba is the best. John Frobisher was a good man who deserved better.

OH GOD THAT WAS ONLY 5 DAYS FOR THEM. WHY IS THAT REALLY JUST NOW HITTING ME?!?!?!

[thebesreads]

Hello everyone

As it’s Christmas Eve Eve today, I thought I would dust off an old favourite of mine with the Christmas Top Ten. Although with it being Christmas Themed, I’ve added two making it a Christmas Top Twelve. Most of them are only short books, so you could start them tomorrow and have the list finished by Twelfth Night.

On the First Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

 How The Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr Seuss

I’ll start off with a easy one. One that everyone has read and seen the greatest Christmas movie of all time based on this book. This was always my favourite book when I was little and we would always watch it on Christmas Eve. The noses always used to make me laugh and I always wanted to be Cindy Lou Who.

With a heart two sizes too small, the Grinch is the meanest creature you’ll ever meet. He hates Christmas and the whole festive season. But when he hatches a dastardly plot to steal Christmas, he’s in for a big surprise!

On the Second Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

The 101 Dalmations by Dodie Smith

Not many people realise this was a book before it was a Disney film. Again I read this when I was young. In fact I think this may have been the first Christmas book I read on my own! I love the moment when Lucky gets stuck in the snow. I know its sad, but its just so cute! There are a number of differences between the novel and the films, but the story is essentially the same. If you think the films are good, I would definitely read the book!

Pongo and Missis had a lovely life. With their human owners, the Dearlys, to look after them, they lived in a comfortable home in London with their 15 adorable Dalmatian puppies, loved and admired by all. Especially the Dearlys’ neighbor Cruella de Vil, a fur-fancying fashion plate with designs on the Dalmatians’ spotted coats! So, when the puppies are stolen from the Dearly home, and even Scotland Yard is unable to find them, Pongo and Missis know they must take matters into their own paws!

On the Third Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

The Nutcracker by E.T.A. Hoffman

I first found this story when Barbie bought out her movie, and every Christmas I watch it. I also read it and I remember my mom and I watching the ballet on telly, I get so excited when I do both because it makes me feel like I’m seven again. I love the magic behind the story. I love Marie  and how excited she gets over the Nutcracker. It just makes me feel so Christmassy!

It is Christmas Eve and Marie has tired of her new presents, happily playing with a nutcracker instead. When the clock strikes midnight, she is stunned to see an army of mice advancing, led by a seven-headed Mouse King. Her very own nutcracker comes alive, leading the dolls and toys against the mouse army and a violent battle ensues. Soon after, her godfather comes for a visit and tells her the story of the nutcracker. As the tale unfolds, Marie learns about the ongoing feud between the mice and their enemy Princess Pirlipat. It sounds fanciful, but could it be true? This timeless tale is full of the magic of Christmas, but is a delight to read at any time of the year. Its enduring popularity is testament to its originality and charm.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Anderson

This one is very sad. I remember my teacher reading this and it made me cry. I was a sensitive child. But it was still a story that was very full of Christmas, even though its sad.

The wares of the poor little match girl illuminate her cold world, bringing some beauty to her brief, tragic life.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

All I Want For Christmas Is You by Lisa Mondello

I absolutely loved this book. For content I would suggest that its more of an adult book so I would say older than 16. Its the story of a single mom trying to have a good Christmas with her daughter. The little girl is so cute, she just makes your heart melt.

Santa Claus is going to have a rough season… Lauren Alexander is raising her daughter alone. Abandoned by her family for her decision to keep her daughter Kristen, she has done a pretty good job for the last six years. Or she thought she had. That’s why she is crushed when little Kristen gives up her wish for a toy or goodie and instead asks Santa for a present for her mother. She wants Santa to bring a Daddy. Delivering Daddies isn’t Santa’s bag.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

Father Christmas and Father Christmas Goes on Holiday by Raymond Briggs

These two I’m going to class as one book because they continue on from each other and I would always read both of them at Christmas and watch the video that my Grandad bought me.

Father Christmas has awoken from a dream of summer sun to discover it is December 24th, Christmas Eve – the start of his longest night’s work of the year! Much merriment ensues as Father Christmas travels the world, with a few issues along the way, to bring joy to children everywhere. – Father Christmas

No-one needs a holiday more than Father Christmas, but where can such a well-known and easily recognized person go? Father Christmas sets off in search of his ideal holiday spot! France, Scotland and Las Vegas are his chosen destinations, but as Father Christmas discovers – there’s nowhere like home. – Father Christmas Goes on Holiday.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

Always a favourite, and a classic. Who can resist a magical land in the back of your wardrobe where there are talking animals, evil witches, Lion Kings (literally), a war, and siblings? This is literally a book for everyone, I don’t know anyone who couldn’t enjoy this story. It even has a cameo from the big man himself!

When Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy took their first steps into the world behind the magic wardrobe, little do they realise what adventures are about to unfold. And as the story of Narnia begins to unfold, so to does a classic tale that has enchanted readers of all ages for over half a century.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

Another classic! Its been retold many times by a lot of film makers, including the Muppets and Disney. I think this story is the epitome of the meaning of Christmas, charity and good will to all men.

Charles Dickens’ masterfully crafted Christmas fable tells the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, a man with wealth to match the coldness of his heart. On a mystical Christmas Eve, a visitation with spirits forces Scrooge to make a choice: change, or perish.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

A Visit from St Nick by Clement C. Moore

“Twas the Night Before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse’. ooooh just those words make me excited for Christmas. Everyone knows the rhyme, maybe not all of it, but we know some.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone By J.K. Rowling

I know what you’re all thinking, ‘how can this be a Christmas book’. but I just love the Christmas Scene in Harry Potter. The first proper Christmas Harry had had in his 11 years. It just makes me think of all of my family Christmases at home.

Harry Potter thinks he is an ordinary boy – until he is rescued by a beetle-eyed giant of a man, enrols at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, learns to play Quidditch and does battle in a deadly duel. The Reason: HARRY POTTER IS A WIZARD.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

Christmas at the Beach Café and Christmas Gifts at the Beach Café by Lucy Diamond

Again these are two stories that I’ve combined into one post, they follow on from each other and are part sequels to The Beach Cafe, however they can be read on their own, as they do have a quick recap of the major parts of the story. They made me feel really Christmassy as Evie shares the excitement of the season with the readers.

After a hectic summer running her beach café in Cornwall, Evie Flynn is looking forward to her first Christmas with new boyfriend Ed – she’s determined that it’s going to be the most perfectly romantic one ever. Cosy nights in front of the fire, spicy mulled wine, mince pies . . . what’s not to love? – Christmas at the Beach Cafe.

With her Cornish Beach Café closed for the winter, Evie Flynn should be looking forward to lazy days and a happy Christmas, with nothing more pressing to think about than when to have her next mince pie.  But her sister Ruth is coming to stay, in a cloud of heartbreak and bitterness following her marriage breakdown, along with her three unhappy children, and Evie knows she’ll have her work cut out, trying to spread some festive cheer. Then her boyfriend Ed breaks the news that he’s going to spend Christmas in London, for family reasons, and her heart sinks even further. – Christmas Gifts at the Beach Cafe.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my True Love Sent to Me…

A Winter’s Tale by Carrie Elks

This was the first Christmas book I read this year, and I really liked how festive it was! Most of the Christmas novels like this, have another story that happens to be at Christmas, where as this had the holiday at its core. Without Christmas, the story wouldn’t have happened.

Struggling film student Kitty Shakespeare is determined to make the most of her new job as nanny to major producer Everett Klein’s son, Jonas. It might not be exactly the career she’d hoped for when she moved from London to LA, but thanks to her habit of freezing up in interviews, this is her last chance to impress a key player in Hollywood – if she can get this right, then surely he’ll take a moment to look at her work. However, what Kitty hasn’t allowed for is Everett’s sexy-as-hell brother, Adam – but love at first sight this is not.

  And that was my top twelve Christmas books, and so I’ll leave you with this thought:

“One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.”

Happy Reading!

The Twelve Books of Christmas Hello everyone As it's Christmas Eve Eve today, I thought I would dust off an old favourite of mine with the Christmas Top Ten.

[trensu]

Episode 26: The One where the Rain is Actually the Fandom’s Endless Tears

We start off the episode with the awful reminder that su she exists; it’s terrible, we all hate it

Lwj is the one who reminds us, which makes it both better and worse

At least lwj is looking nice in his pale blue robes

Non-wangxian nonsense happens

Brief moment to admire jc’s fashion 

More non-wangxian stuff happens

Ooooh, now we get to watch jin zixun be an asshole again, but with the bonus of having a little bit of wangxiantics!!

Jz goes to our lan bros and starts talking to them

(how dare he be anywhere near their presence?? YOU ARE UNWORTHY OF BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS HANGUANG-JUN, YOU ASSHOLE)

He tells lxc to take a shot with him even tho everyone and their mother knows lans don’t drink alcohol

Alcohol is Forbidden

But there he goes, peer pressuring the heck out of lxc, like, oh, if you don’t take a shot it’ll be an insult to me and my clan blah blah

And everyone agrees with him?? For some reason??? As if forcing someone everyone knows doesn’t imbibe into taking a shot isn’t rude af??? FUCK YOU JZ

Lxc capitulates way too easily imo and takes the shot

Lwj watches this go down out of the corner of his eye, and when lxc drinks, his eyes flick away (as if ashamed? Disappointed? Idk, but it wasn’t a positive feeling i know i was definitely disappointed)

Then jz goes and does the same to lwj

It’s awful but LET’S TAKE A MOMENT TO ADMIRE LWJ

LWJ looks at the offered drink just long enough to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS HE KNOWS IT’S THERE

AND THEN RETURNS TO GAZING STEADILY FORWARD

like, yes, i’m ignoring you aND I WANT YOU TO KNOW IT

I LOVE YOU HANGUANG-JUN!!!!!!

And just before this becomes a diplomatic incident, we see a hand reach out and take the shot glass from jz!

Wwx: i’ll drink for him. Is that okay?” 

And he downs the shot before anyone can say anything (showing off the lovely expanse of his neck and we all appreciate that or at least I do)!!! He even flips the shot glass upside down to show that he emptied it completely!!!

WWX PULLED AN LWJ-MOVE AND SWOOPED IN TO SAVE HIS SOULMATE FROM HAVING TO SACRIFICE HIS PERSONAL IDEALS

THAT’S ~TRUE LOVE~ BABY

And lwj’s expression, omg. I can’t even describe it?? Awed gratitude bc of the rescue?? Stunned attraction bc of seeing wwx expose his neck so indecently?? I’m totally not projecting that last part, maybe, i think

For real tho, it looks like lwj was walloped with the strength of his love for wwx

As if seeing wwx do that for him gave him an abrupt reminder of how overpoweringly in love he is with him

It’s beautiful

Now there’s a jz vs. wwx showdown

It’s super stressful and Important to the Plot

So we’re glossing over most of it!!

But let's MARVEL how wwx totally owns the jin clan

Jz: you really think you’re so invincible you can overturn the heavens?

Wwx: are you comparing yourself to the heavens? With all due respect, you have a really thick face

Lol, “with all due respect” = 0 respect. Jz you deserve ZERO RESPECT YOU ASSHOLE

Wwx is putting these gold-robed bastards on the spot and it’s AAMAAAAZZING

Wwx: do you think that now that the Evil Wens are gone, the Jin clan should naturally take over? So that everything should be given to you and everyone should follow your orders??

I LOVE MY BOY. LOOK AT MY SUNSHINE BOY BURN THE FUCK OUT THESE DOUCHEBAGS

HE’S ALL “WHY ARE YOU BOOING ME?? I’M RIGHT”

BECAUSE HE IS. HE IS RIGHT.

Lwj says his name worriedly here; he knows wwx is getting himself into some deep trouble here

More Plotty Confrontation happens…

And then wwx loses his patience, and gets ready to draw his demon flute

Everyone in the banquet hall jumps to their feet and readies their swords bc they are scared shitless. Wwx doesn’t even acknowledge them. His focus is all on jz

Wwx: if i kill you today, won’t it be justified by your standards?

(for the viewers keeping track at home, that brings the score to wwx = 3, jin clan = 0)

LOOK AT MY BOY GO

Lwj: Wei Ying!

Lwj calls him practically in a panic

I mean, he only says his name slightly more forcefully than usual, but in lwj-speak that means PANIC

Ahhhh, i LOVE this next line. It's a great line. I mean, it’s an absolute terrible line for wwx’s future wellbeing, BUT STILL

Wwx: if I, wei wuxian, want to kill someone, who can stop me? Who dares to stop me?

HE IS FURIOUS

RESENTMENT IS FLARING EVERYWHERE

Lwj: wei ying, put down the demon flute!!

He’s so worried for his soulmate!!!!

wwx starts a countdown to get the info he wants

🎶IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN~!🎶 Sorry sorry, not appropriate but i’m stressed, LET ME HAVE THIS

Wwx: everyone knows i’m not patient. You have until the count of three…

He makes it to two until jz gives in and finally finally tells wwx the info he’s looking for (aka where the wen labor camp is)

Wwx: why didn’t you say so earlier?

Lol, he says it all calm and easy and leaves the banquet hall with a confident swagger (which brings the final score to wwx = 5, jin clan = 0 AND THE CROWD GOES WILD, AHHHHH!!)

BUT you can see on his face that he knows how badly he handled this situation

He knows he’s just screwed himself over

Depressing Plot Things happen

So lets see lwj defend his soulmate to make us feel better!

Jgy: wwx is too impulsive. How could he say such things in front of the gentries

He says that to lxc, trying to turn him against wwx!! That scummy bastard!!!

Lwj: isn’t what he said right?

I LOVE YOU HANGUANG-JUN

Jgy: well, yeah, i guess, but he can’t just say that to everyone’s faces!!

Lxc: wwx’s temperament has changed a lot recently

LXC I AM ASHAMED TO KNOW YOU. YOU GIVE IN LIKE A WET PAPER TOWEL. GROW A SPINE (i still love you tho)

Lwj bows to lxc right after that and lxc dismisses him from the banquet hall with a sad smile

Lxc: go and do your best

BC HE KNOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER

HE KNOWS HOW MUCH LWJ LOVES WWX AND HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO PROTECT HIM

MORE DEPRESSING PLOT THINGS HAPPEN

Like, Super Depressing

Like, “violating Geneva Conventions” Depressing

It’s really really awful

Because now we’re at a labor camp

We get to see wq lose her mind as she finds her little brother’s body

AND BECAUSE I VALUE MY SANITY WE’RE NOT GONNA GO INTO THAT ANY MORE 

I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS SO MUCH

THEY DIDN’T DESERVE THIS

THEY’RE GOOD PEOPLE. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO THEM

*SOBBING*

WEN NING STILL HAD THE PROTECTIVE CHARM WWX GAVE HIM IN HIS HAAAANDDD

WHY IS EVERYTHING TERRIBLE ALL THE TIME

We do get a badass scene where wwx STEADILY WALKS BACK THROUGH THE CAMP PLAYING HIS DEMON FLUTE TO CONFRONT THE JIN GUARDS

CALMLY CONTROLLING ALL THAT RESENTFUL ENERGY THAT’S JUST POURING OFF OF HIM

The jin guards are begging for their lives and still have the gall to lie about killing their prisoners??

“Do you really think I can’t tell that you’re lying?”

Wwx is so angry here, he isn’t even raising his voice

Some idiot here has the nerve to remind wwx that his clan and their clan are allies

And wwx’s all “bold of you to assume i care about clan politics”

Throughout it all we see resentment curling and misting around his shoulders

God damn, it looks so cool

“Since you won’t admit to it, i’ll let wen ning point it out himself”

AND THE GHOST GENERAL MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE IN HISTORY BY SLAMMING INTO THE SCENE LIKE A BOSS

LOOK AT MY DARLING ZOMBIE BOY GO, TOSSING THOSE JIN BASTARDS AROUND LIKE NOTHING

Stuff happens and those jin guards make a run for it

Outside the camp we see lwj walking with his umbrella in the rain and he knocks one of the jin bastards back with his sheathed bichen and demands to know what happened

While he’s getting the rundown, wwx gathers up the wen prisoners and mounts them on horses to flee

THERE’S NO TURNING BACK FROM HERE

OH GOD MY HEART

They’re riding off and SUDDENLY WE SEE THEM RUN INTO LWJ

LWJ WHO IS STANDING THERE ALL ALONE IN THE RAIN WITH HIS UMBRELLA

AS ~THEIR SONG~ STARTS PLAYING MOURNFULLY IN THE BACKGROUND

SHOW WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, WHY DO YOU HURT ME THIS WAY

Oh god, the way the camera travels from an overhead view downward to slowly reveal lwj’s face under that frankly beautiful umbrella

MY HEART MY HEART

HIS FACE, LOOK AT HIS FACE AS HE LOOKS AT WWX AND THE PRISONERS HE RESCUED

HE WANTS SO DESPERATELY TO SAVE WWX FROM WHATEVER IS COMING NEXT BC HE KNOWS IT’S NOT GONNA BE GOOD

BUT HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO HERE???

This shot is beautiful in a heart-rending way

Wwx on his black, agitated horse, soaked to the bone, restlessly moving and placed farther away from the audience

And lwj, practically glowing in his pale blue robes under his pale umbrella, standing still and strong as a statue, placed much closer to the audience

Wwx: lan zhan, are you here to stop me?

Lwj: wei ying, where are you going?

Wwx: i have no idea but the world is wide. There must be a place for us.

“US,” HE SAID “US”

WWX HAS ALREADY CHOSEN HIS SIDE.

HE’S FOREVER WITH THE WEN REMNANTS NOW

MY SUNSHINE BOY IS TOO GOOD FOR HIS OWN GOOD

OH GOD WHY

Lwj: you need to think again. If you do this, it will be considered a rebellion against the orthodoxy with no way back.

LWJ CAN’T SAY WHAT HE MEANS. JUST SAY THAT YOU’RE WORRIED FOR HIS SAFETY, DAMN IT.

HE KNOWS HE’S LOSING WWX AND HE’S TERRIFIED

HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Wwx: a rebellion against orthodoxy? What kind of orthodoxy is that?

Wwx: lan zhan, do you still remember that promise we made together?

THIS IS WHERE THE EPISODE ENDS

I AM DROWNING IN MY TEARS

MY HEART IS SHATTERED ON THE FLOOR

LWJ WAS TEARY-EYED THROUGHOUT THAT ENCOUNTER

HIS WORLD IS FALLING APART

AND WWX IS DOING WHAT HE THINKS IS RIGHT

BUT YOU CAN SEE HOW SCARED HE IS OF WHAT HE IS DOING

BC DOING THE RIGHT THING IS NOT ALWAYS EASY AND SOMETIMES IT’S DOWNRIGHT TERRIFYING

I HATE THIS SHOW

STOP MAKING ME FEEL SO MUCH!!!

Return to Masterpost

[trensu]

Episode 30: The One where LWJ Wishes Jin Zixun Would STFU and Die Already

Okay, so we’re still in Yiling

Non-wangxiantics stuff happens

Unimportant nonsense happens

Ooooh, jc just appeared, looking awesome in purple robes as usual

Turns out he’s helped jyl sneak away so she can show off her wedding robes to wwx!!! And we get some wonderful Yunmeng Sib time!! I LOVE MY YUNMENG SIBS SO MUCH

OMG

Wwx’s face when he sees her in her wedding robes

HIS EYES WELLED UP WITH TEARS. SHE LOOKS SO PRETTY.

Jyl: i’m getting married, i wanted to show you my wedding robes!

wwx:*choked up* yeah, i heard you were getting married…(he’s looks so emotional here omg)

Jc: who told you?! 

(he says this all snappishly bc of course he does, this is jc we’re talking about)

Wwx: None of your business! *scowls*

LOL SO DEFENSIVE, WWX. what’s the matter?? You don’t want to tell your sibs about your recent date with lwj?? How you showed him your home??? hoW YOU DISCOVERED YOU WANTED TO CO-DAD CHILDREN WITH HIM????

Ah, brothers…

Jyl calms them down before they could get too into it tho bc she’s a good big sister and knows her little brothers well

Jyl: i came alone tho, so you can’t see the groom today

Wwx: *pouts* i don’t want to see the groom at all

I can’t get over the way wwx keeps looking at her. HE LOVES HIS SISTER SO MUCH. HE’S SO HAPPY FOR HER

Lol, both of them tell her how beautiful she looks and she’s all it doesn’t count when you guys say it bc you’re my little brothers and it’s my wedding so you have to be nice to me

So now we get the obligatory soup time with the yunmeng sibs

And AHHHHHH, JYL JUST ASKED WWX TO COME UP WITH A COURTESY NAME

And wwx is all, “for who???”

And jc says, for my future nephew!! And he looks so damn pleased and proud when he says it. JC WANTS TO BE AN UNCLE SO BAD me too jc, me too

Wwx: hmmm, well, the next generation for the jin clan is “ru” so how about jin rulan?

Jc: jin rulan? It sounds like the lan clan. Why should a kid of the jiang clan and jin clan be called “rulan”??

Omg jc sounds so offended here; chill out bro

Wwx: it’s not that bad if it’s from the lan clan all right? Lan means orchid, a gentry amongst flowers! ALSO MY SOULMATE IS FROM THE LAN CLAN SO THERE

Wwx sounded all sulky here, like RULAN IS A GREAT NAME, HOW DARE YOU

Jyl cuts in before there could be any bloodshed with, oh yeah, having you come up with the courtesy name was jc’s idea

The look jc gives her is one of utter betrayal like, why’d you have to go and tell him that? HE CAN’T KNOW I WAS BEING NICE TO HIM, GOD.

They all have much more sibling time together but since there’s no more wangxiantics we’re gonna skip over it (EVEN THO IT HURTS ME TO DO SO BC I LOVE MY YUNMENG SIBS AND I WANT TO SEE THEM HAPPY AND TOGETHER FOREVER)

We cut to the Burial Mounds where there’s a Wen family dinner going on

Wwx is all spacey bc he misses his sibs so much but manages to distract EVERYONE from it by making grand declarations and generally being an over-the-top Drama Bi.

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS LET THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU LET THEM TRY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY STOP MAKING YOURSELF MISERABLE OMG

A-Yuan time!

Wen ning saved some of jyl’s soup to give to a-yuan!

He gives a-yuan a taste of the soup and a-yuan’s all “delicious! One more spoon!”

And after wen ning gives him more, he’s like, ONE MORE SPOON!

PRECIOUS, HE’S PRECIOUS AND SO CUTE

Then we get some Sad Times in the Demon-Subdue Palace where wwx has the saddest series of flashbacks ever

the promise he made to JC (twin heroes of yunmeng!!) that he didn’t keep

and then the oath on the lantern (always stand with justice and live without regrets) which he half-keeps

and then his declaration in the rain with lwj (if i should be killed, let it be by you) which he will keep BUT WE’RE NOT GONNA THINK ABOUT THAT

HE’S SO SADDDDDD

I’M SO SADDDDDDDDDDDDD

THERE’S SADNESS EVERYWHERE

Gross, now we’re in lanling, fastforwarding through that nonsense

Now we’re back at the burial mounds and get more A-YUAN TIME!!

Uh oh, a-yuan just murdered a lotus sprout

He’s all, what’s this?? And yanks the poor thing out of the mudpit it was growing in

Wwx yells at him: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

And a-yuan starts crying and wwx looks like he wants to start bawling too

Wen qing kind of tells him off 

a-yuan’s a little kid and doesn’t know better, she says

Wwx gets this defeated look about him and says it’s fine, i see that it’s not meant to be now

LIKE, HE’S JUST RESIGNED THAT HE CAN NEVER HAVE ANYTHING FROM HOME EVER AGAIN?

HE CAN’T EVEN HAVE ONE STUPID LOTUS PLANT BC OF COURSE HE CAN’T HE DOESN’T DESERVE IT

MY POOR PRECIOUS SUNSHINE BOY

After a little adorable convo with wen qing, a-yuan goes to comfort wwx in his cave

A-yuan: i’m sorry i made a mistake. Wq says if you miss your sister, you should go see her

Wwx: she’s so far away...i won’t go

A-yuan: hmmm, you should become a bird and fly over there!

AND THEN THEY PRETEND TO BE FLYING BIRDS AND IT’S SO CUTE

But wwx is still sad inside :(

Now we get a time skip! 

~ONE YEAR LATER~

Wwx overhears a bunch of gossipy cultivators talking about how the jin clan is doing a one-month celebration of baby Jin Rulan!!

WWX IS OVERWHELMED WITH JOY

HIS EYES ARE ALL TEARY AGAIN

AND HE’S LIKE, DID YOU  HEAR THAT WEN NING? MY SISTER HAD A BABY! I HAVE A NEPHEW!!

Wen Ning is a supportive bro so he’s all congratulations!!!

And then wwx gets all the happiness gets drained out of him when he remembers that he has no official ties to either clan so he’ll probably never get to see his nephew ever

We cut to Lanling, where i guess guests are arriving for the upcoming celebration

We don’t really care about any of these people

EXCEPT THAT ZEWU-JUN AND HANGUANG-JUN’S ARRIVAL IS ANNOUNCED

AND WE’RE GONNA LISTEN TO LWJ TALK ABOUT HIS BELOVED SOULMATE

Unfortunately he’s talking to asshole cousin jz, fuck that guy

Lwj: since all of his seniors are invited to the first-month celebration, wei ying should also be invited as he is the baby’s senior too

Lwj says this all respectfully, gaze steadily forward and not looking directly at anyone

Jz: you want us to invite wwx even tho he’s the enemy of all four clans??

JFC IF SOMEONE COULD’VE JUST KILLED THIS GUY WE COULD’VE AVOIDED AT LEAST A QUARTER OF THE PROBLEMS WE HAVE NOW

Lol, lwj glares at jz SO HARD the minute jz calls wwx the enemy; i’m surprised the asshole didn’t drop dead on the spot

Lwj: not an enemy.

Jz: not an enemy? Do you have such a shitty memory that you don’t remember what happened in qiongqi way? Do i need to remind you?

NO LWJ NEEDS YOU TO STFU

Also, HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO HANGUANG-JUN THAT WAY??

Lxc: what wangji said isn’t wrong. Wwx hasn’t caused any trouble since he took off to the burial mounds.

Jz: what, you’re taking the traitor’s side too zewu-jun?

You know, i was almost proud of lxc for finally siding with wwx and lwj

But the minute jz throws that accusation, you can see him start to pull back, WTF LXC

So now, since apparently having to deal with JZ wasn’t horrible enough, we get jgs and jgy on the scene, yuck

Jz gives them a summary of the conversation

Oh, i forgot to mention jzx has been here the whole time too but he’s basically useless bc he never shuts up his cousin

Jgy is all like, ah, hanguang-jun is being kind but perhaps inviting wwx is not the best idea ever

And jz is all well, I heard that he went to the burial mounds but no one knows why he went there!

Lwj: to visit an old friend

LWJ IS NOT ASHAMED OF VISITING WWX. HE DOESN’T CARE IF THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS HE WENT THERE TO VISIT HIS SOULMATE

Jz: an old friend?! Wwx is a ruthless killer! Everyone wants him dead! Why do you have a friend like him?

I HATE THIS GUY SO MUCH

Lwj: when did he kill ruthlessly? Please tell us exactly.

DAAAMMN, LOOK AT MY BOY GO!

Jzx finally cuts in here and shuts them both up

He approaches his dad and is like, yeah okay so wwx killed some of our guys before and he’s kind of rebellious or whatever but like hanguang-jun said, he hasn’t done anything wrong for a whole year!

Then he goes on to show us that he’s completely whipped for his wife (AS HE SHOULD BE) by saying, also, since wwx has seceded from the jiang clan, jyl hasn’t been able to see him and she still misses him very much!!

Jzx: it’s a good opportunity to bring him back

His asshole cousin is all, are you crazy??

WILL THIS GUY EVER SHUT UP, OH MY GOD.

But thankfully lxc puts in his two cents!

Lxc: jzx makes a good point. If wwx intends to change and return to the right path again, it’s a good thing!

Jgs starts droning on and on about stuff i don’t give a damn about and lwj throws him the dirtiest of looks the whole time lol

But he more or less agrees to let wwx come on the condition that he turns in Plot Device 2

And jgy is like, SWEET, we can write him a letter telling him he’s invited but he must come alone (BC THAT AIN’T SKETCHY AF) and then once he’s here we can tactfully request he give me, i mean, the jin clan Plot Device 2

Lwj was looking concerned basically the minute jgy started talking but here he chimes in

Lwj: what will you do if he refuses?

BC HE KNOWS WWX IS NOT GONNA HAND THAT THING OVER TO THE JIN CLAN BC THEY’RE A BUNCH OF SLIMY SKEEVY BASTARDS

Then jgy does that thing where he replies without actually answering the question

Jgy: hanguang-jun, why are you so pessimistic? Wwx is not evil or vicious! (FUCK YOU JGY, WE ALREADY KNOW HE’S NOT EVIL OR VICIOUS, NO THANKS TO YOU) i’m sure if we talk it out, he’ll be reasonable and make the right choice!

Oh, thankfully, lxc answers the question properly

Lxc: even if wwx disagrees, he can go back to the burial mounds as long as he promises not to kill any innocents

Which, wwx would definitely promise that bc he’s never killed an innocent person IN HIS LIFE

BC UNLIKE THE JIN CLAN BASTARDS HE HAS INTEGRITY AND A FULLY FUNCTIONING CONSCIENCE

Jgy: hanguang-jun, can we bother you with the errand of writing the letter?

LOL

Jgy says that and we immediately see lxc smile at his little brother

Like, heck yeah, bro you have the chance to talk to your soulmate now! (LXC is trying to win back his greatest wingman title lol)

Ofc lwj keeps his face blank, but he bows and says yes

BC HECK YEAH HE GETS TO DELIVER GOOD NEWS TO HIS SOULMATE

HE’LL BE ABLE TO MAKE WWX SMILE

OFC HE’S GONNA BE ALL OVER THAT!

And that’s the last of the wangxiantics for this episode. Not a lot of them this time around, and none with shared screen time

But you know what

That’s okay

Bc this shows that they’re always on each other’s minds EVEN AFTER A WHOLE YEAR APART!!

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