#‘this is just Jess’s favorite number’ to ‘wait actually this connects to that and that connects to this and maybe it means—��

[wundrousarts]

Something I’ve noticed for awhile is that I often get comments from people about how they are surprised how I always come up with theories and try to guess what might happen and they “could never do that” themselves. I want to say: yes you can! There’s honestly a shortage of Nevermoor theories and ideas and speculation and etc and I want to see MORE!!!

Want to talk about how Morrigan’s mom is actually secretly alive? How the Scholar Mistresses are a Wundrous Act? Do you think the Tempus Divinity looks like an owl, or do you think Weaving and Ruination would be met together? Or have you ever thought about how this one line, from Chapter 19 of Nevermoor, about Betram Crow actually means he was a Cursed Child? Whatever it is you want to talk about: GO FOR IT!!!

I personally find it very fun to go sort of “English class mode” and look at the text in front of me and think about what different things might mean and analyze it and even overthink it to an unnecessary (but fun!) amount. But that’s just me and how I like to approach things! You don’t need to make long posts and quote specific lines if that isn’t your style. The big thing to remember is that so much can happen in the next six books, so throw any idea out there! You never know what twists and turns will be thrown at us. I think it’s fun to share these ideas and discuss with other people— sure, maybe there’s just something you missed when reading, but perhaps some new ideas spawn might from it. Some speculation could even serve as inspiration for fics!

There are some theories and thoughts that I’ve posted that have been “debunked” when I reread a book, or when someone pointed out something, or even just when something had a real-world basis that I as an American didn’t catch. But it was still fun to think about it all, and there’s some bits and pieces that I see as notable and worth considering. I think most of the Silverborn Masterpost is going to be “wrong”, but if just 1% of it is “correct”, even indirectly, I will take that as a win. I know it feels like during the hiatus everyone’s talked about everything, but I hope that the incoming communal reread (fingers crossed) and obviously Silverborn brings some speculation back to the fandom because I want to discusssssss!

[keltonwrites]

Where no one knows your name

How many times is a person meant to make new friends? When I moved into an apartment in DC with an absolutely iconic girl from Craigslist, I wrote in my journal, “you never know when you’ll meet your next bridesmaid.” Charmingly juvenile, as I was 24 years old. Ironic, as I never had any bridesmaids. And embarrassing, knowing I wrote something that’s surely been embroidered on a bachelorette party t-shirt by now. My point was: you can meet people you fall in love with anywhere, anytime, assuming your heart (and calendar) are open. Now my heart and calendar are open and I am one of Elizabeth Bennet’s sad sisters, cloying and desperate for attention while everyone at the ball ignores me. Meeting people here is unnerving and hapless and eye-clawingly vulnerable. My first new friend told me she was moving away in a few months. Do you invest deeply in hopes of another faraway friendship? Do you just go back to waving as you pass on the street? I like this girl! What an embarrassing thing to have to say to someone! Do you just invite people to every and anything like a lunatic? I can’t even remember to call the people I am forever-and-ever in cahoots with. I’m also deeply bound by what I’ll call the Movie Trap: say it’s 3pm during not-a-pandemic, and you get the urge to see a movie. You look at the showings, and there’s one you really want to see at 7:15. You think to yourself, “I should make an effort,” and you text a friend. “Hey, you wanna go see This Cool Movie at 7:15 tonight?” No one ever says yes. Don’t give me an example of when someone has, because it’s always one of these answers:

“Oooh, I’m actually seeing it with Kate tomorrow - wanna come?”

“Can we go to the 9pm showing? Stuck at work.”

“Yeah but let’s see Movie You’ll Fucking Hate instead.”

Now maybe I’m just lighting flares guiding you to the worst parts of my personality, but this drives me nuts. No, Liz, I don’t want to go tomorrow. I want to go tonight. At 7:15. So I can be in bed by 10. And you’d have to drag my dead body and prop open my eyes to get me to see something like Marriage Story in theaters. The Movie Trap is a big reason I usually hang out by myself, or I make plans weeks in advance. (Don't I sound like a blast.) Just the idea of being like, “I like you! Wanna hang out in October?” makes me want to collapse into a puddle of sad adulthood. Which is why on Friday at 4:30pm, when a girl I’d met a week prior asked if I wanted to grab a drink, I just said yes. I put on a pretty dress, did my makeup, put stuff in a purse, and drove the 25 minutes to town. It was really fun! And how novel to have new contacts in my phone like “Maggie blue house” and “Jess concert friend” — a throwback to the days of “Greg guy on L train” and “Devon ad party.” The very concept of not knowing someone’s last name or even needing it, and a year from now updating their contact info and smiling at your origin story. But for the most part, no one is in our phones. In terms of phone numbers collected, here is the list:

Two friends we knew prior who thank god you guys exist.

New friend who is moving away.

New friend who is game to drink tequila and ride mountain bikes.

Neighbor-not-yet-friend who I really fucking like and am not sure how to cross hang-out threshold with.

​Not to say there aren’t any other prospects or people I’m platonically gaga over, but I don’t have their phone numbers. There are honestly a lot of people like this because when you live in a small town (and you’re from the Midwest) you say “oop, sorry” to every person/object you bump into, and you say “hi :)” to every person you see. These are the rules. If I drive by you and don’t wave, it’s because I was so deep in a daydream I probably shouldn’t have been driving in the first place. This isn’t acceptable, because in our urgency to tattoo our vaccination status on our foreheads so we can make friends, it turns out just driving by someone can be a viable strategy. A few days ago, a man was driving by our kitchen window and then our driveway, and then he reversed back up to the kitchen window and started waving. Ben went outside — it was that kind of wave. The man had seen from his car a smokejumper emblem on the back of a truck in our driveway. “Hey, are you a smokejumper?” We aren’t. But my dad was, and he was in town visiting, accompanied by the emblem on the back of his truck. The guy said we should drink sometime. Numbers were not exchanged. We’ll call that a node, because it’s not quite a connection. And it’s mainly nodes, waiting to be connected, to have relevance. But first, no matter who you’re trying to befriend, you have to answer everyone else’s Do I Care Quiz. The quiz is employed by 93% of locals to determine how they feel about you existing within their personal 50-mile radius. The first question is non negotiable:

1) Are you visiting?

Variations on this question include “how long are you in town?” or “what brings y’all to town?” or my least favorite and most insulting, “did you just finish Jeeping?” I know I have blonde hair and say y’all, but how dare you. (Also, to be clear, you can own a Jeep, customize your Jeep, mod out your Jeep, and love your Jeep, but you’re not Jeeping until you drive too fast through a tiny town so you can hurl your Jeep over a mountain pass without ever getting out of it.) So the answer to “are you visiting” is “no, I live here.” Which brings us to the next question, my favorite for how loaded the gun, kneeling in the grass, scope on, target locked it is.

2) Are you part-time or full-time?

The first time I answered this question, I didn’t realize it was essentially like asking how someone voted in the 2020 election. The judgment was cocked and ready and the palpable relief/joy/or at the very least, tolerance, exuded by answering “full-time” was like when the sun comes out from behind the clouds on a 40 degree day. I was fine, but wow that does feel better. The third question though does not have a standard hoped-for answer. This is where nodes turn to connections turn to phone numbers.

3) What brings you here?

It seems like the best possible answer would be saying you work in town, and you’re going to begin construction on displaced-worker housing to ensure the people who run this town can actually live in it. We’d have everyone’s phone number. Saying you’re a writer who works remotely and bought a house from a legendary and beloved local who could no longer afford it is really something you keep to yourself. But in the interest of making friends, I just word vomit my entire history. We might as well find out at the onset if I make your eyes roll back into your skull. Not at all threatening that all it takes is a single social signal misinterpreted to be the absolute death knell of my ability to make friends in a town of some 1400 adults. In fact, I’ll share one such interaction. I was hiking with Cooper, about 5 miles by foot away from my house. I was on a trail, crossing a sloped meadow, and a group was traversing up the hillside to the trail. I said hi, where y’all coming from. One girl answered and we talked about the trail. She eyed me up and down. “Did you just move here?” “I did!” “I served your family last week,” she said. “Oh,” that phrasing. “Must have been my in-laws.” “Heard you bought Jack’s house. Such a bummer when locals like that are forced out.” “We didn’t even know about his house,” I said. “We were looking at another house and he asked his realtor if he could get us to come see his house. We just loved it, and him!” She had no emotional reaction to this. “You moved from California?” she asked. (Dangerous question.) “Yeah, got these sea level lungs, haha,” attempting to disarm with humor was a failure, “but couldn’t be happier to be out of California.” “It’s not like this all year. Winter’s really hard here, you’re in for a rude awakening.” “Well California’s the last place I lived, but I’m not from there. I’ve lived in brutal winters. At least Colorado gets sun!” I laugh with cloaked loathing. “It’s different when you live at altitude,” she said, like no human aside from her had ever been literally anywhere. “Are you trying to go around?” She indicated the path behind her. “No, y’all go ahead, just gonna wait to give you your space. I’m sure you’re faster than me.” “K, good luck making it to the lake." Maybe she was thirsty. Maybe she was hungover. Maybe she just has vicious delivery, but it felt like every blade of grass was leaning against the wind to listen. She was with four other people and not one of them said a word. I left that interaction not wanting to see another human ever again. But that interaction, and her intimate knowledge of exactly which house I lived in, made me want to decorate like we lived in a gingerbread house, all candy canes and plum drops, screaming to any passerby that we’re friendly. One of the mayor’s first questions to me was “what are you going to do to the house?” There are rules here about what your house can look like, and I kept emphasizing we bought the house because we loved it, not because we wanted to change everything about it. And now, instead of wanting to decorate the interior, I want to put up shades so we don’t contribute to light pollution, I want to hang a sign by the water spigot saying “grab some if you need” for hikers and mountain bikers, I want to paint a sign for the wild mint by our door that says, “I mint to tell you to take some,” because our neighbors were openly panicked they wouldn’t be able to just grab mint from the cabin’s garden anymore. Without question, COVID makes things harder. Dinner parties feel like dares. Dropping cookies off at someone’s house feels invasive. Grabbing a drink feels like the ultimate sign of trust. But at least we have nodes who can connect who can think to invite us and who can see that despite having lived in California, we’re not all that bad. In the meantime, I’ll be painting signs about water and mint, hoping to garner the benefit of the doubt from the so beautifully, earnestly, and waiting-to-see-if-you’re-worth-it doubtful.

Subscribe to the newsletter at tinyletter.com/keltonwrites — high altitude relocation and renovation in a tiny mountain town.

[soundsof71]

So, considering you are a passionate fan of music released in 1971, I feel justifiably obligated to ask you what you think of Buffy Sainte-Marie's 'She Used to Wanna Be a Ballerina' album. 😂 (Also, it would make me beyond happy if you could post more about Buffy, my friend! Thank you! ❣)

Buffy Sainte-Marie + Crazy Horse - what’s not to love? LOL I confess that it was the Crazy Horse connection that caught my attention first. I had a general idea who Buffy was, had seen her on TV a few times, but I was a big Crazy Horse fan. News that they were her backing band for this album was easily enough for me to scoop it up.

They weren’t doing anything much with Neil Young in 1971 (other than this album, on which Neil also appeared!), but they had released a tasty solo album in February 71, produced by Jack Nitzsche (who also produced this, and would later marry Buffy), and featuring Ry Cooder (also featured here, although did not marry Buffy). 

(btw, the first place that Buffy, Ry, and Jack worked together was on the Nic Roeg film Performance, starring Mick Jagger. People obviously remember Mick in that, but musically, Buffy was the best part!) 

She Used To Wanna... also features Jesse Ed Davis, a Native American guitarist and singer who was a frequent “usual suspect” at these sort of “sure, invite everyone!” jam albums of the era, and played a prominent role at 1971′s biggest concert (at least in the US), The Concert for Bangladesh on August 1.

(I know you know  RUMBLE: The Indians Who Rocked The World, the documentary about indigenous music’s influence on rock and roll, which has chapters on both Buffy and Jesse Ed. I just watched it again recently, and love it! A reminder of Buffy’s pivotal role in classic rock history. Not mentioned in the film: she relentlessly championed the work of her fellow Canadians Joni Mitchell and Leonard Cohen, helping them get their first record deals.)

I haven’t listened to She Used To Wanna Be A Ballerina for a while, so I definitely need to do that, along with posting more pictures of Buffy.  (I can’t believe I’ve only posted two!) 

But I’ll tell you what still stands out to me about that record years later. “Smack Water Jack” is an underrated track from Carole King’s Tapestry that got a ton of airplay at the time. Quincy Jones did an instrumental cover as the title track for his terrific 1971 album, too, but it has somehow faded to obscurity since then. Buffy takes a playful trifle, and turns it into a powerful fable of men of color who explode into violence in response to the violence visited upon them, and self-satisfaction of whites in authority who answer their demands for better living conditions by killing them on the spot. 

No need for a trial when you can murder them in the streets, right? “You can't talk to a man when he don't wanna understand / And he don't wanna understand” hits different when Buffy sings it, and in 2020 for that matter. 

It’s also just a terrific performance whose combination of soul and rock and roll and driving piano in a sort of Old West-sounding context would have made this sound right at home on a record like Elton John’s Tumbleweed Connection  or something by The Band. I’m limited to five video embeds per post so I can’t embed it here, so I'm linking instead: anyone who hasn’t heard this definitely needs to.

Her cover of Neil’s CSNY track “Helpless” has things I like even better than Neil’s original, including Merry Clayton standing in for CSN. Buffy’s version is more muscular (thanks again to Crazy Horse), and taps even more deeply into the isolation of the song that the star power of CSNY somewhat obscured. 

Buffy’s version also made a brief but memorable appearance in the 2018 film Hotel Artemis, starring Jodie Foster. A weird little movie that I loved maybe more than it deserved LOL but I recommend nonetheless:

I know that this album gets attention because of the unusual number of covers, including one by Leonard Cohen, and a cover of a cover that Leonard had made famous on top of that, called "Song of the French Partisan” (hers is the far superior version imo, a song of French resistance to Nazi occupation from the perspective of a woman hiding a resister), but there are a couple of standout originals too. 

I love the title of this record, and the title track is a delightful little stomper that playfully cautions against equating the intentions of grown women with the childhood fantasies they’ve grown out of. More Merry Clayton goodness here on backing vocals too. 

“Soldier Blue” is a powerful song first written for the 1970 film of the same name, billed at the time as “The most savage film in history” -- and maybe it was. It used the 1864 Sand Creek Massacre as a metaphor for Vietnam, and it's still shockingly brutal. It was the third-highest grossing movie in the UK in 1971, though, and the single became a top-10 hit for Buffy there. 

It didn’t do as well here, either the song or the movie. Perhaps not shockingly in retrospect, Soldier Blue was pulled from American theaters after a few days, the Vietnam metaphor not at all lost on the Nixon administration. 

As horrifying as it was, this is about when I was reading Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee (first published in 1970), and Soldier Blue resonated with me in a whole lot of ways. Here’s the song in the opening credits of the movie.

I was also really struck by “Moratorium”, which is the story of “Universal Soldier” (from her 1963 debut, but a bigger hit for Donovan in 1965), coming from the opposite direction. In the earlier song, she blamed war on the soldiers who think that fighting is honorable, but here, she has empathizes with the young men, boys really in many cases, who’ve been lied to by their countries, their parents, and even their friends. They’re not vainglorious. They’ve been duped by people they trusted. 

(I don't think she takes enough into account how many men sign up to fight because they want to embrace and celebrate their worst, most violent impulses, which was of course an undercurrent of “Universal Soldier”, but I appreciate her empathy here. More than one thing is true at a time.)

Buffy goes even farther, though, calling on soldiers to support and validate demands for peace as explicitly supporting them, summed up in the unforgettable cry, "Fuck the war and bring our brothers home!" 

1971 was the peak of antiwar demonstrations in the US, with the biggest crowds ever seen in this country until the 2017 Women’s March. The May 1971 demonstrations pretty much shut down Washington, culminating with Vietnam Veterans Against The War throwing back their medals on the steps of the US Capitol, incredibly powerful stuff to see on TV in my formative years, and Buffy was right there in it. Anti-war songs were a cottage industry for sure, but nobody was writing with the nuance and empathy that Buffy was.

Here’s a 1972 performance of “Moratorium”, Buffy and a piano, and more emotionally bare than that:

There’s obviously lots more to say about Buffy, far outside the realm of protest music that was actually just a small part of her musical palette -- her pioneering experiments with electronic music, her educational philanthropy starting in her 20s, Sesame Street, you name it. Her commercial peak was still in front of her, and while I can’t say that this is my favorite of her records, it does have some of my favorite songs of hers, and 1971 and She Used to Wanna Be A Ballerina is definitely where I went from knowing who Buffy Sainte-Marie was to being a fan. 

I'll also note as I do now and again that while this blog started as an offshoot of a book on 1971 that I’d started but abandoned, I mostly listen to music released now. That’s always been my policy, including in 1971. When 1972 rolled up, I was mostly listening to music from 1972, music from ‘80 in ‘80, ‘91 in ‘91, 2018 in 2018, etc., to name just a few other favorites. (Plus The Beatles, okay? LOL I still listen to The Beatles every day. No apologies.) Honestly? It took me until 2011, in my fifties, when a whole bunch of 40th anniversary editions of 1971 albums got released all at once that made me think, “Wait a minute, this was maybe THE pivotal year in classic rock history!” 

So yeah, the historian in me dug into 1971, but even though I happened to be alive and enthralled by music in that year, what I’m doing here has nothing to do with nostalgia, or any idea that that was the *best* year in music, even if for the narrow slice of music that is classic rock, yeah, it absolutely is. For soul/R&B too, and for the explosion of women artists outside the even narrower confines of pop as well. This is not subject to debate. No year like it, before or since. It's just that classic rock is a such a narrow slice, and I like my slices wide. LOL Which is also why my blog has less and less 1971 content as I go along. 

While my general policy is that my favorite year for music is THIS year, this particular year hasn’t left me as much energy as usual for listening to music. Some of it is These Trying Times™, some of it is my bipolarity and schizophrenia getting the better of me in waves, as is the way with these, uhm, things. (Keep taking those meds, kids!) I listen to music and post about the people making it as a creative act, not a passive or reflexive one, and I just haven’t felt as creative as usual.

(This is also has everything to do with why so many Asks have been piling up unanswered. I apologize if you’re one of the many kind and indulgent souls who’s gotten in touch, but I swear I’m gonna get to ‘em all!)

To get an idea of what I’m ACTUALLY passionate about right now, my “to be edited later” running list of 2020 favorites randomly added to a playlist as I encounter them, to be properly curated later, is at Spotify, cleverly entitled “2020″ -- 94% women, which is about right. LOL 

But since I do in fact listen to old stuff (by which I mean 2019 LOL), I made a list of mostly 2020 bangers from women rockers with some tasty treats from 2019 that I haven’t been able to let go of just yet, inspired by a post I saw at tumblr saying that punk music by women is just plain better (also beyond debate), called “Women Bangers: A Tumblr New Classics Jam”. I’ll be posting an essay with a YouTube playlist soon, because god forbid that I only talk briefly about anything LOL and most of these women need to be heard AND seen.

Like Buffy Sainte-Marie, whom you'll both see and hear more often on my blog soon. Thanks for the reminder! Always a pleasure to hear from you and be challenged by you. :-)

Peace, Tim 

[cdt12345]

I just finished answering one of these and now I wanna know yours. Top 10 straight OTPs?

1.) Ben and Leslie - Parks and Recreation

If this was my OTPs list, they’d be second after Gallavich, but since this is straight couples, they have to be my number one. Amy Poehler and Adam Scott had great chemistry. Adam Scott played a lot of creepy/bad guys before this. So, when he showed up in Pawnee, I didn’t know what to make of him when he came in at the end of season 2. Pretty quickly I realized I was not only going to love the character of Ben Wyatt but we finally found Leslie Knope’s perfect match! I’ll never forget the moment I knew I was going to ship them. It was at the Freddy Spaghetti concert when Ben helped Leslie after he was against doing the concert in the first place. As soon as I saw Ben give Leslie that look as she walked away, I knew I was all in with this ship. That’s all it took! Leslie finally met someone who got her, admired her, was in awe of her, and was so supportive of her and her ambitions. They were both willing to put their jobs at risk by making their relationship known. And if you know Leslie Knope, her job is her life. Leslie’s love for Ben’s butt is also something I loved. Their love for each other is so beautiful and one of my favorite things about this amazing show.

2.) Ava and Boyd - Justified

Joelle Carter and Walton Goggins did amazing work together onscreen. Ava and Boyd Crowder did not have the most conventional start to their romantic relationship, seeing as Ava was married to Boyd’s brother. For me, that is a deal-breaker! I know they’re not blood relatives but it’s still weird to me when in-laws get together. In the pilot, we learn Ava has just killed her husband in self-defense and Boyd was supposed to be killed off in that episode. The powers that be, loved both Joelle and Walton so much they brought them back for more and they were series regulars for the rest of the series run. To keep Ava part of the storyline, they had Boyd staying at Ava’s house in season 2. It all evolved from there. I had no intention of shipping these two during season 1, but by season 2, I was all about Ava and Boyd getting together. They were the true definition of a power couple. They even had matching bullet scares on their chest! They stood side by side as a strong force against anyone who tried to overpower them or intimidate them in their growing criminal enterprise. Boyd really saw Ava, treated her with respect, and saw her as his equal. They had a long history, even went to the same high school together. I always love a couple who has known each other since they were kids. I never thought I would root for current or former in-laws, but it was hard not to fall in love with them.

3.) Jess and Nick - New Girl

I knew I was going to ship them from the very first episode. They are everything I love in a good ship, complete opposites who bring out the best in each other, who are also friends. Over the years, any time Jess would describe her perfect man, she was always describing Nick without realizing it. Once she was asked what her dream guy would be, and she said Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men and Nick fits that perfectly. He really is like a grumpy old man. There was nothing these two wouldn’t do for each other. One example of this was when Jess burns her finger on a cigarette lighter in the car and Nick puts his finger in the cigarette lighter so they would be in the same amount of pain. Who even does that?! I was so happy when they finally had their first kiss and when they officially got together. Those are some of my favorite episodes when they were finally dating. Any time they dated anyone else it became even more clear how much better they are together. They never fit with anyone else as well as they fit together. They really were perfect for each other.

4.) Corey and Topanga - Boy Meets World

Corey and Topanga are the OG’s of childhood sweethearts on TV. They’ve known each other their whole lives and were very believable in their genuine love for each other. It’s not always easy to believe that people who get married that young can make it work, but these two always seemed to defy those odds. They got married during their sophomore year of college. Today I would be like whoa that’s too soon to get married! But they felt so right together, I believe I would still think they made the right choice. I may be biased because I grew up watching this show and I was even younger than them at that time, but it always felt like they were meant to be. I still remember what a big deal their wedding was. My friends and I were so excited about that episode. They clearly did do the right thing because the show came back as Girl Meets World, which was more focused on their daughter than them, so of course, I wasn’t planning on watching all that. The only good thing to come out of that reboot, for me, was to get confirmation that Corey and Topanga were still together and had two kids. 

5.) Arnold and Helga - Hey Arnold!

This was a very one-sided crush on Helga’s part for years! This was another show I grew up on. I shipped them so hard because Helga was obsessively in love with Arnold. It definitely wasn’t a healthy obsession, but she really loved him. It was hard not to root for her. She fell in love with him when he was the first to notice her and be nice to her on their first day of preschool. A part of me could identify with her at that time in my life. I was in 5th grade and was experiencing my first love too. She was always so mean to Arnold because she was terrified for anyone to even suspect she had a major crush on him. The best way to describe Arnold is through Helga’s own words, he’s “a funny little football-headed kid with a good heart but no sense of reality”. Helga was realistic and tough but very poetic and sweet in private. In 2017, when Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie came out, I was really hoping she would finally come clean with Arnold about her feelings. It FINALLY happened! That was 21 years in the making. Talk about slow burn!

6.) Tiffani and Jake - California Dreams

Jake and Tiffani are one of my very first ships ever. They were high school students who were in a band called California Dreams together. They were like night and day. She was the surfer type, who was positive, sunny, and friendly. Whereas Jake was a biker type who scared everyone. They were even too scared to let him audition for the band. He played guitar and would sometimes sing and write some of their songs. He wasn’t the main singer of the band, but he would sing every once in a while. She played the bass and would sometimes sing too. They did have a breakup that was heartbreaking for me. He dated their friend Lorena for a short time, and it felt so forced and didn’t work at all. Again, I could be biased because I love Jake and Tiffani, but Jake himself and Lorena realized they didn’t work either. That’s when Jake realized he was still very much in love with Tiffani, and they got back together. This show also had the best theme song ever! I sing it every single time I hear it and when I do hear it, it’s stuck in my head all day.

7.) Monica and Chandler - Friends

I always preferred Monica and Chandler over Ross and Rachel. They were never on and off like Ross and Rachel, which would get tiresome. We never had to deal with that with Monica and Chandler. Obviously, they are friends and know each other so well that it was easy for them to get through anything because of it.

8.) Castle and Beckett - Castle

Richard Castle and Kate Beckett had amazing chemistry, even after the actors themselves were no longer getting along behind the scenes. I am amazed at how they were still able to be so believable at being very much in love with each other. Castle, a best-selling mystery novelist, and Beckett, a New York City homicide detective. Castle is inspired by Beckett and she becomes his muse for a new book he is writing. Castle uses his connections with the mayor to force the police to let him shadow Beckett. Their personalities clash in the beginning but they soon find their groove and become friends and great partners at solving crimes. The will they, won’t they was excruciating at times but paid off when they finally got together.

9.) Sabrina and Harvey - Sabrina The Teenage Witch

Sabrina and Harvey were such a cute couple. I already went into this show knowing they were meant to be because of the Sabrina comic books. Harvey was always the boyfriend. So, when Harvey left the show after season 4, I was surprised and saddened. Especially, since Harvey had finally learned about her powers. He did guest star in season 5 but was brought back for the last two seasons. I really loved when he came back because Sabrina and Harvey’s relationship was so much better after he knew about her powers. They didn’t get back together and were only friends but whenever things got complicated, he was there to help her now that he knew she was a witch. She didn’t have to hide who she really was or lie to him anymore and I really loved how that changed their relationship. Sabrina was dating someone else at this time and was going to marry this other guy, but she doesn’t go through with it. For once I can actually say Sabrina and Harvey are soulmates and really mean it! Remember she is a witch and has a soul stone and Harvey was given one too. Harvey is waiting for Sabrina outside the church when she comes out and they kiss. Their soul stones drop to the ground and fit perfectly at 12:36pm, the exact time they first met seven years ago.Then they drive off together in his motorcycle.

10.) Kelly and Zack - Saved by The Bell

Who didn’t grow up in the 90′s and wasn’t shipping Zack and Kelly? I thought they were the most gorgeous couple I had ever seen. Saved by The Bell: The College Years wasn’t a great show, but I was happy to see Zack and Kelly went to the same college, and eventually, we got to see them get married in a TV movie with Saved by The Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas.

[summahsunlight]

Perhaps It’s Fate, Part 3

Word Count: 1437

Summary: After joining the Resistance as a mechanic, you were happy to keep to yourself, until a little orange and white bb unit and his master wander into your workshop one day.

Pairings: Poe Dameron/Reader

Warnings: Still cute and fluffy! 

A/N: You and Poe spend more time together, making several other members of the Resistance jealous.

Masterlist / Part 1 / Part 2 

Cups of caf and a good book were all you needed for breakfast. You found your favorite little spot in the mess hall, away from the loud and boisterous pilots, and settled in with your breakfast, expecting it to be just like every other morning. You were fully engrossed in the book you were reading, completely unaware that he had approached your table.

“’Morning, Y/N,” Poe greeted, his voice a little sleepy. “Do you mind if I join you?”

“Commander Dameron...” you gasped, shocked to see him standing near your little table. Swallowing, nervously, you managed to find your voice. “G-good morning... yes... yes you can join me.” 

Poe smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling. He was freshly shaven, wearing his orange fatigues, and stars, you were sure you had never seen a man as attractive as him before. Certainly no man on your home world had turned your insides to mush just by smiling at you.  

Should you say something to him? Start a conversation? You were so out of practice making small talk that you froze.  Thankfully, Poe didn’t mind making small talk and asked, “What are you reading?” 

You looked at the pages of your book.  It was a favorite from your childhood, about four sisters; you had read it hundreds of times.  Holding the book out to Poe you showed him the well-loved pages and explained that it was considered a classic on your home world. “I guess I just... related to the girls in the story. I read it again every once and while when I’m missing home.”

“Maybe I should read it sometime,” Poe said between the bites of his food.

“Really? You’d want to read a story about four women?” You asked, disbelieving.

Poe shrugged his broad shoulders. “Why not? You know, Snap--Captain Wexley--he says I need a little bit of culture, little bit of education in my life, you know, a little bit more intellect..”

Laughing, you close the book and shake your head. “Commander, I don’t think you need to read a silly story from my home world to increase your intelligence; you seem intelligent enough.”

He wanted to make you laugh over and over again, just so he could hear the sweet sound.  Poe smiled at you. “Huh, you don’t say? What makes you think I’m so intelligent.”

Immediately, you blushed and stared at the cover of your book. “Oh... well... you would have to be intelligent to make it up the ranks so quickly.”

“Are you a fan of my career or something?”

“N-no... just...I hear people talk. You’re... a popular topic, Commander.”

“Please, Y/N, call me Poe.  Commander sounds so...formal.”

“O-okay.”

Poe continued to smile at you, that soft look lingering in his warm brown eyes. The way he looked at you, like you were the only person in that crowed mess hall, made your knees go weak. You still couldn’t understand why he was interested in you or why he wanted to spend time with you; he was the poster boy of the Resistance, he could have any number of beautiful women hanging off his arm at any given moment. Yet... he was sitting here with you, insisting that you call him Poe.

Tucking a piece of hair behind your ear, you already notice that the attention he is giving you is causing several people to look over in your direction.  You had not lied to Poe, you heard people talk, it was the advantage of being elusive--and while you heard them talk about Poe, you always heard what they said about you.  Shy, awkward--a recluse.  You dreaded hearing what they had to say about you today. 

He must have sensed your unease, because Poe looked over his shoulder and threw a glare at the table of nurses watching you. When he turned back towards he, he offered a soft smile. “Don’t listen to them; they don’t know you, and they certainly do not choose my friends for me.”

A blush crept across your cheeks.  You looked down at your scuffed boots underneath the table.  “To be fair...Poe... you don’t know me that well either.”

“My droid likes you. For now, that’s all I need to know, Y/N.”

“So you think... we can be friends... because BeeBee-Ate likes me?”

“I know we can be friends.”

“Hey, Dameron!” a deep voice shouted across the mess hall. You looked up to see Snap standing amongst the crowd. “We’re over here! You joining us?”

“Y-you should go, Poe,” You whisper, almost so softly that Poe barely heard you. “Looks like your squadron is waiting for you.”

“Come with me,” Poe said, standing up and coming around to your side of the table. You looked up at him, hesitantly. “C’mon, they’re my friends. They’ll like you! I promise! And I’ll be right there, the whole time.” 

His hand extended out to you and his brown eyes filled with hopeful anticipation but you knew, if you said no he wouldn’t push it.  Biting your lip, you tucked your book underneath your arm and took his hand. It was slightly calloused, but warm, and his fingers wrapped around yours tightly.  Poe led you through the mess hall towards the table that Black Squadron was eating at. To your dismay it was in the middle of the room--where everyone could see you.

As you got closer, you recognized each of the pilots.  They were some of the most elite pilots on base and you had even helped other mechanics repair their X-wings after they came back from a mission. Black Squadron had a reputation for beating up their fighters--especially their commander.  

The closer you got to the table, the louder your heart was beating.  How did no one else hear it? You anxiously glanced around, feeling like all eyes were on you. Even before leaving your home planet you had hated the spotlight on you, you were always much happier to glide through life unnoticed. Here you were being paraded in front of the Resistance by the one man who couldn’t glide through life unnoticed. How had this happened? 

Poe brought you to the table and grinned at his squadron. “Y/N, this is Snap, Jess and Karê--guys, this is Y/N. Be nice. She’s new here.” He sat down at the table and then pat the bench next to him.  

Slowly, you sat down next to him, offering the pilots a shy smile and a small wave.  The pilots all seemed friendly enough; they each offered you a smile as if welcoming you into their tight knit group.  You could see why Poe enjoyed their company as they teased each and fell into easy conversation; not one of them was shy.  They were all as outgoing as their commander.  You were actually feeling comfortable with them--that is until the final member of their squadron showed up--Suralinda Javos. 

Suralinda was tall, exotically beautiful. Her sultry presence instantly intimidated you. The Squatman female sauntered up to the table, glanced at you, then at Poe, and snorted. “It’s about time you talked to her.  You were starting to drive us crazy, Dameron with your constant blather about Y/N.” 

“You know my name?”

“I was a journalist. I have connections.”

“Sura. Be nice,” Poe warned her, eyes narrowing on the other pilot.

“I won’t scare her away, Poe,” Suralinda responded, grinning. 

You could sense a history between the two of them but you knew it wasn’t your place to pry.  Timidly, you glanced at Poe and you felt him give your hand a squeeze. The rest of breakfast went off without a hitch and when Black Squadron was all done, heading up to the flight pad, Poe offered to walk you to your workshop. You were fine with this because you suddenly found you rather liked all the attention he was giving you. 

He made it easy to be with him; you were comfortable around him--you felt safe even, something you had not felt since fleeing your home world. Poe smiled when you reached your shop.  “Lunch?” he asked, hopefully, sweetly.

“I usually eat in here,” you replied, honestly.

“Then I’ll bring something by,” he said, grinning. 

“You really don’t have too.”

“Aw, but I want too.”

This made you smile.  Poe turned to go, but not before saying, “You should smile more, Y/N. You have a pretty smile.”

So you did smile, he didn’t see it, but you had a big, silly grin on your face. Looking back later, that was the moment you decided was the moment you fell in love with him.

[j-j-ehlby-writes]

Just So You Know (c.e.)

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Word Count: ~9.4k (whoops, got a little carried away with this one...)

Summary: She is a childhood friend of the Evans’ family. Chris realizes he’s in love with her, but will she feel the same way? Or will it be too late?

A/N: Another song inspiration... big shocker there. This time it’s not a 1D song though!  *LOOSELY* based on “Just So You Know” by Jesse McCartney. I was planning on using some of the lyrics but this fic gained a mind of its own.

Warnings: Angst (what’s new?), fluff, RDJ being a protective father figure, Hiddles being an absolute gem, Chris being.. well, Chris.

My Masterlist

Chris’ POV

I shouldn’t love her.

I know I shouldn’t. She’s ten years younger than me, but she’s my best friend and has been for almost three decades. She’s like family… but only to my siblings, mom, and dad. She’s never really felt like that for me. So why shouldn’t I love her? Because she’s never going to love me like that. She’s never going to love me as more than the older brother she’s seen me as her whole life. I’d be delusional to think otherwise.

Being my mom’s best friend’s daughter, she’s been in all of our lives for her entire life. Even though she’s younger than all of us, our entire family has always looked forward to her and her mom’s visits.

When her mom got a divorce when she was three, she brought her out to Boston where they lived with us for a time. Her mom said she wanted a brand new start for both of them and she couldn’t think of a better place to bring her daughter and raise her among people she calls “family.” My mom was thrilled to have both of them so close so she could be a bigger part in her best friend’s daughter’s life.

They stayed with us until her mom found a job and could afford to move out. My mom insisted that they could still stay with us, but her mom was persistent about having a place of their own. It was a sad day when they loaded the moving truck. But it wasn’t goodbye. They were moving to the next town over so we could still see them as often as we wanted. We also saw them every Friday for family dinner and game night every other Saturday.

There was always something special about that little girl. She always flocked to me whenever she arrived through our front door, even more so after they moved out. She was always running to me when I came through the door from being out at a friend’s or if she didn’t see me right away, she’d come looking.

She was endlessly, but harmlessly teased by all of my siblings because they knew I was her favorite. I took pride in it. Apart from her own mother, I was her favorite person. She was also mine. Every time she would come over during our large family gatherings, she would always be a little shy at first. But then I would ask, “do I get a hug?” and that shell would crumble.

As I got older, I was also trying to pursue my career in acting, so I had to move away from everyone, only being able to make it back when I had breaks. But no matter how long it was between visits, she always greeted me with the biggest smile.

Unfortunately before she could start middle school here, her mom’s parents had both gotten very sick and they needed to go back to their home state to take care of them. Because of that, her visits got to be fewer and fewer and my life became busier and busier. Both of those combined meant we lost contact for a while. I’d hear about what she was doing from my mom but I hadn’t seen her since my last visit when she was in Boston for Christmas and her 10th birthday.

Years went by without seeing her or her mom. My mom had told me that they had settled back into their home state and into their new routine. She was enjoying school and was excelling in just about every subject. It was weird going back home without either of them there or even close by. I missed knowing my favorite girl would be at the house waiting. I missed the big smile that would plaster her face whenever she saw me.

The first time in all of those years that I saw a picture of her, I noticed a change. A change in her… everything. Something I never noticed until I saw her senior pictures. My mom had sent them to me while I was away filming in Hong Kong. She was… stunning. I hadn’t seen her since we had both moved away. Our visits to Boston never seemed to have overlapped in the years passed. So the image I had of the little girl who I always saw running towards me was shattered in that moment. She suddenly wasn’t the little girl I once knew anymore.

The next instance that started to change my mind was when one of our visits did end up overlapping for once after she had started college. I was just to start filming Captain America and I was in desperate need of some time at home. I had no idea she was there and they had no idea I was coming, so when I walked into my parents’ house I had to stop. She was standing at the kitchen island with both of our moms, and my sister Carly holding my niece, Stella. She was making Stella giggle by blowing raspberries on her cheek. All of their eyes shifted to me but the only ones I noticed were hers. They shone more brightly than all of the stars in the sky. And her smile… my god, her smile. I swear my heart skipped a beat when she smiled at me. I was bombarded with hugs from my mom and my sister, but I couldn’t look away from her. She stayed back seeming to revert back to her shy nature.

I brushed off my family’s questions to approach her. I held out my arms to her, “Do I get a hug?” I ask smirking.

And just like she did as a small child, she wrapped her arms around my neck, settling into my arms like she never left. I couldn’t believe it. She was a woman. A breathtakingly beautiful woman. “Hey stranger,” she whispered into my ear.

“How’s my favorite girl?” I purr back before pulling back just enough to look her in the eyes. They sparkled. When did that become a thing? My hands cup her face as I try to get a better look at her up close. Her pictures don’t do her justice. She’s much more gorgeous in person. “God, where did that tiny little girl go?” I turn to her mom, “When did this happen?”

“Overnight,” she replied shrugging. Our moms exchange a look like they knew something we didn’t. They always pestered me, and not Scott for obvious reasons, saying that she’ll probably have a crush on me when she gets older. With how she behaved, it was a 50/50 shot. She’d either grow up to think about me as an older brother or her biggest crush. At the time, I hoped it was the former. I thought having someone so much younger than me, who me and my family thought was family, have a crush on me seemed wrong. But now that that time is here, I’ve completely changing my mind. I hoped for the latter.

Her visit wasn’t nearly long enough but she had to get back to school. I wanted to spend more time with her though. I wanted to get to know the woman she was now. She had changed so much, I felt like I barely knew her anymore. I wanted to change that though. So before she left, we exchanged numbers.

From then on, we talked close to every day. I flew her out multiple times when she had the time off to the sets of the Marvel movies. Everyone loved having her on set. They always found themselves drawn to her in between scenes.

She especially got close with RDJ and Scarlett. She got close with everyone on set but there was a special connection with her and Robert from the moment they met. He practically claimed her as “his.” He was like a protective father over her, not letting anyone near her unless he approved, he’d get her lunch when she insisted she wasn’t hungry, he went slightly nuts over her.

“Is she, uh, seeing anyone?” He asked me in a non-creepy-protective-father-way. “Like, does she have a boyfriend that I should be concerned about? She wouldn’t tell me.”

“Not that I know of.” I shrug, pretending like her being with anyone doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Apparently, I’m not very convincing though.

“And, uh, what about you, Cap?” He gestures with his glasses towards me. “You got any interest in her?”

Of course I did. She’s been the topic of my dreams for the past few years now. I’ve had to bite my tongue whenever anyone in my family brought her up. I have to stop myself from smiling like an absolute idiot when her name pops up on my phone. But of course I couldn’t tell him that.

“There’s really no use in denying it,” he continues before I even had a chance to answer. “It’s written all over that annoyingly perfect face of yours whenever anyone even mentions her name.”

“No.” I vehemently try to deny it, “She’s like family.” Even as I said that, I knew he wouldn’t believe it.

“If I looked at my family like that, I’d be in jail, so don’t even try to pawn it off on that.” He patted my back. “You have the hots for your best friend.”

 “It’s more than that.” I quietly admitted, my eyes finding where she was walking arm and arm with Tom Hiddleston. The smile that was plastered on her face was evident to everyone. She liked him. She also got close with Tom while on the set of this movie. They spent a lot of time together when we were shooting scenes he wasn’t in. I’d see them talking and laughing with each other, off by themselves walking around the set with her hand on his arm like they are now, looking more than comfortable around each other. To say I was jealous would be an understatement. How could I compete with him?

“Why don’t you just tell her?” He asked like it was obvious to everyone but me.

“Come on,” I turned away from them trying to busy myself as much as possible so I don’t completely lose it. “She’ll never look at me like that.” I subtly gesture back to them.

“Are you trying to act clueless or are you actually that clueless?” I furrowed my brows at him. “Everyone sees it. She looks at you like that tenfold. How can you not see that?”

“Because she doesn’t?” I snap, instantly regretting my slight aggression. I know I shouldn’t take out my frustrations on him. He only has the best and purest intentions. I shrug off my reaction. “Besides, why would she be interested in me when she has a guy like that?”

“You gotta give yourself more credit than that. You’re best friends. Don’t you think maybe, just maybe, she could feel the same way that you do?”

“If she did, and that’s a big if,” I couldn’t let my heart entertain the idea that it was true, but I couldn’t deny my sliver of hope that weaseled its way in, “why wouldn’t she tell me? Like you said, we’re best friends. Why couldn’t she trust me with that?”

“Like you’ve been so forthcoming with her?” He rolled his eyes, catching me in my bullshit. I know he’s right. I can’t be a hypocrite here. “Look, all I’m saying is tell her how you feel. You may be surprised.”

We were both called away having to go back to work, but later that night, he had one more thing to add, “When she does tell you, it may not be now or in the near future, but when she does,” his playful demeanor turned serious as his hand came down hard on my shoulder, “if you so much as think about hurting a pretty little hair on that gorgeous head of hers, you’ll answer to me. You got that?” I could see the fire in his eyes behind his threat. “She doesn’t have that father figure in her life, someone’s gotta step up.” He assumed that responsibility without hesitation the second he met her. I know he’s grown to love her like a daughter and I appreciate that more than he will ever know.

But this I knew for certain, “I can assure you with the utmost confidence that hurting her would be like hurting myself. I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good answer.” He clapped me on my back. “Gotta keep our girl happy so she’ll want to keep coming back.” With that, he was gone.

“You know he’s right.” Scarlett appeared at my other side.

“Does everyone have an opinion?” I ask amazed at how nosy people are in my business. Scarlett is someone I’ve known for many years. Having done multiple movies together already, we’ve gotten pretty close over those long days and nights of filming and press. So I go to her when I want advice from a woman that’s not related to me and I’m not in love with.

“Of course we do. We are the ones seeing you guys make googly eyes at each other for hours on end.” She smirks. “It’s gotten to the point where you guys just need to make out and confess your undying love for each other already. I don’t know how much more of the sexual tension we can take.” She skipped ahead of me. “We do want her coming back as often as possible, you know. It’ll give you plenty of opportunities.” She smiles teasingly before she rushes off to her car to leave for the night.

Everyone liked having her around so much I swear they preferred her over me. They would constantly asked me when she would be visiting again the second she leaves. They’ve even contacted her directly telling her to just drop everything and follow them around to every location. She’d always laugh them off, thinking they were crazy. I’d secretly always hoped one day she’d say she would. I know it wouldn’t be rational. She loves where she is and the constant traveling would be exhausting for someone who doesn’t have to. So they settled for her occasional visits instead.

Having them talk about her and consistently asking about her made me miss her more than I should. It felt like there was a part of me missing when she would leave. I think everyone on set could see that, too. The morale on set was just a tad lower when she wasn’t there.

So to make things a little easier, I offered for her to move out to LA after she finished college. I told her that she could live at my house since I wouldn’t be home very often due to my filming schedule with Marvel and the other projects I had lined up. I made sure she knew that she was more than welcome to spend as much time there as she wanted. To my surprise, she said yes, saying she was looking at some job opportunities in LA anyway so this would help her tremendously.

When I told my family the news, although they were supportive- they loved the idea of having me out there with her while she’s in a new city- they were also skeptical. Especially Scott.

“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up is all,” Scott had said being the most vocal about his skepticism. Of course I told him when I started to have feelings for her. He was the first person I told because I knew he would never judge me. He wasn’t the least bit surprised at the turn of events, saying he could have seen that coming from a million miles away. He told me to wait and see if it would go away… that was two years ago.

I tried moving on from her. Dating any woman was an attempt at that, but they could always see that my heart wasn’t fully into the relationship. Thankfully our respective schedules were going to be infinitely busy so all of the relationships ended it on good notes. “What would happen if she brings home a guy, or God forbid, you get a girlfriend? Wouldn’t that be a tad bit awkward having the girl you’re incurably in love with, in the next room?”

I didn’t plan on getting another girlfriend until I got up the courage to tell her how I felt. The best case scenario would be that she would tell me she’s just as crazy about me as I am her and we could happily be together. The worst would obviously be her rejecting me, changing our friendship for a while or longer and then I could finally move on from her… But deep down, I know that no one else could have my whole heart like she does. It wasn’t fair to the other girl if I would never be able to fully give my all which she deserved.

Years passed and our arrangement worked out perfectly. I would be away for a few months, come back and hang with her, do press, go home to Boston with her, then she would return to LA and I would head off to my next project. She never brought any potential suitors around and neither did I. It was as perfect of an arrangement as possible. I got to spend as much time with her as I could, and I couldn’t have been happier.

I had just finished filming Civil War when I was planning on finally telling her how I felt. RDJ tried to convince me to for years. Every movie we did together, he made it his personal mission to hype me up every day on set, getting me ready for when I would tell her. It took a few years but now I think I can do it. I couldn’t wait to see her again. Flying home, I had this whole speech ready for when I saw her. But then I got a call from my manager saying I was cast in another movie and was needed in Georgia within the week. As soon as I got home, I needed to pack for another three months or so in the Georgia heat.

But as soon as I stepped through the door, she dropped a bombshell on me: she and Tom had taken the next step and made it official.

To say I was devastated would be another understatement. The woman I was hopelessly in love with was dating someone that I call my friend. I didn’t even know what to do. She told me all about how he made her feel, but I hardly heard anything. I didn’t want to hear anything about how the man who was making my girl smile from ear-to-ear. They’ve been dating for a few months now since he came into town for a short time after filming a movie around the world.

I did end up meeting up with them together when she asked me to because I’m weak and can’t say no to her. I tried to be friendly with him because I actually liked the guy. That’s what sucked the most. She was with a genuinely good man who makes her happy. How could I try and interfere with her happiness because I was too afraid to tell her how I felt?

So I tried to go on with my life. I met someone on set of one of my movies and adopted a dog. Shortly after that, she moved out of my house and into an apartment a few miles away. It didn’t feel the same not having her there. After long press junkets in LA, I knew I would always come home to her smiling face. Coming home to an empty house after that… I didn’t like it. For years, I’d grown accustomed to having her there when I came home. The smell of her body spray lingered after she left, taunting me. I could have had her. She could have stayed and been mine if I had come clean sooner. Why did I wait so long?

After my relationship ended, instead of focusing on dating, I focused on my career. I managed to make it to the end of my contract with Marvel as well as some new projects.

When I had gotten back into town after filming for the last two Avengers movies, I got a call from Tom. I was caught completely off guard by his question… asking for my opinion on how he should propose to her. It’s coming up on three years now so I shouldn’t have been that surprised. But I still was. I had always hoped that they would either never get married or they’d break up before they got to that step. I mumbled something about how I was getting on a plane and would get back to him. I couldn’t tell him what he should do. Proposing to her… I wanted to do that. I wanted to be the one who got to that point with her. My chance was slipping away…

I texted Scott with the guise that we were going out to celebrate the end of my Marvel contract and he didn’t question it. We found a bar and I drank.

“So, what’s the real reason for this evening?” He asked after four beers and a shot of tequila. He probably figured that was the appropriate amount of alcohol consumed to ask.

 And after another shot of tequila, I was forced to come clean. “He wants to propose to her.” It pained me to the core to say those words out loud. “This is my worst fear coming true. I’m going to lose her. I’m going to lose any chance I have with her.”

He scoffed, “That’s not going to happen, bro. She would never ditch you because she got married.”

But that wasn’t what I meant. “I’m losing my chance. My window is closing.” That realization didn’t sit well with me. Scott tried to ease my anxiety for the rest of the night, but nothing helped.

When he and I parted, I took an Uber to her apartment. I didn’t care if it was 3 in the morning. I needed to see her and tell her before it was too late. The alcohol was severely effecting my judgement, but I didn’t want to wait another minute.

She buzzed me up after I tried my best to sound sober. But that facade was instantly broken when I tripped over the second to last step and then practically rammed into her door.

She looked even more breathtaking than the last time I had seen her. Her hair was tied up in a bun, she had no make-up on, and she was wearing a Captain America shirt. She didn’t look like she had been sleeping. She’s been a night owl her entire life so it was almost guaranteed that she would still be awake by the time I got here. Seeing her still took my breath away. I wanted to forget my feelings for her. I really did. I wanted to be able to move on and be happy, just like she had. But I couldn’t. I loved her more than I’d loved anyone before… but I could never have her.

“Are you okay?” She asks, stepping forward to help me stand.

“I’m aces.” I slur the end of the word, slumping my arm around her shoulders.

“Oh God,” her beautiful features twists with disgust, “are you drunk?” She drags me inside and shuts the door.

“I’mmmmmoderatelyfunctional.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She lowers me onto her couch before she starts to walk away, claiming she was going to grab a blanket and pillow for me.

“No, wait,” I stop her, pulling her down next to me. “I need to tell you something.”

“Chris,” she chided, “it’s three o’clock in the morning. Can’t it wait until a more appropriate hour?”

“No, because by that time, I may not have the guts to tell you what I’ve been dying to tell you for years now.” I sit up straight and focus on her. I hold her hand in mine. It was cold in my warm one. She waits for me to continue. I almost chicken out, but the last drink I chugged before leaving the bar pushes me forward. “I love you.”

Her brows furrow. “I love you, too, Chris. That’s not exactly new news to me.” She chuckles. “I mean, you have known me for my entire life so I expect there to be some sort of love to come from that.”

“No, no, no,” I shake my head a little too quickly making me dizzy for a split second. “I love you.” I put more emphasis on it so she would get what I meant. The shock that overtook her expression told me she understood this time. “I know I shouldn’t love you like this- I know I shouldn’t be in love with you like this- but I am. I so am. God I’m so in love with you. And I want to be… and that scares me. God I am so scared.” The alcohol was inhibiting my already frayed emotions. I felt the large lump form in my throat and the tears threaten to spill. I run my hands through my hair trying to get ahold of myself. “You’ve been there- you’ve always been there. Even when I didn’t think I deserved it, you were there. And now I feel like I’m going to lose you forever to him and I can’t let that happen. I don’t even know who I am without you.”

She wrapped one of her arms around my shoulders with the other hand bringing my cheek to her forehead, pulling me into a tight embrace as I let the waterworks fall and the word vomit spill out. I’d be surprised if she understood a single that slurred out of my mouth. “These feelings… they’ve taken control of me and I can’t help it. I can’t sit around anymore. I can’t let him win. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. Losing you would be like taking one of my limbs. You’ve been a part of my life since before I could really remember. I don’t even remember what life was like without you in it. I know that we’ve grown up together and me being in love with you could sound perverted, but I promise it’s nothing like that. I didn’t feel anything like that towards you until you were an adult, I swear. I swear. I hope you believe me because I honestly don’t know how I would live in a world without you.”

She knows how emotional I am on any given day. She knows I cry at romantic comedies. She saw how crushed I was when my bulldog passed away. She knows how much I cried on my last few days on the most recent Avengers set. And that’s when I was sober. The alcohol I had consumed earlier definitely doesn’t help with my already frayed emotions. I clutch to her arm like she is my lifeline. She is, though. She is the reason I am who I am today. This is definitely not the way I wanted to tell her. I wanted to do this smoother. But I’m running out of time.

She only pulls away when she feels I’m calmer. She gently pushes me to lay back down on the couch. I can feel the heaviness of sleep behind my eyes now that I’ve released all of my pent up emotions. She brushes my longer hair from my eyes and rests her hand on my cheek. She whispers, “We’ll talk more in the morning,” before she lays one of her many blankets over my body and I’m drifting further into slumber.

Reader’s POV

I have no words.

As I watch the man I’ve known my entire life snore softly on my couch, I try to process all of what he just confessed.

He loves me. And not in the familial way I always had thought.

I had so many questions. When? How long? Why now? Was he ever going to tell me? What brought all of this on? When did things change with him?

My heart wrenches as I watch the man I’ve been in love with since I was sixteen pass out on my couch after confessing his heart to me. I don’t know when it happened. But it did and I haven’t been able to forget about it since.

 I had always had Chris in my corner. After my parents divorced, his family basically took in my mom and I until my mom could get back on her feet. Lisa and Robert were wonderful people to be around on a daily basis as a child. They were fun, supportive, extremely helpful, and had the best kids for me to grow up around. Granted they weren’t “kids” when we moved there, but they never treated me as if I were an outsider. It was like they had adopted me as one of their own, always including me in everything, teaching me things that only “siblings” could teach you. Chris was always the more gentle one with me. He’d always come to my aid when Scott or Shanna were teasing me too much or playing too rough with me. Because I saw him as a protector, I found myself drawn to him. Whenever we would go to their house, I’d want to find Chris immediately. But because I was a shy kid, it would take me a while to come out of my shell. Until he said the magic words, “do I get a hug?”, then everything would be alright.

When he left to live in California, I cried. I knew I wouldn’t see him as often as I wanted anymore and that hurt. And then when my mom told me we were moving back to our home state to take care of my grandparents, I fell apart. Leaving everything I knew- my friends, my home, the Evans’- was the worst possible thing that could have happened at ten years old.

The last time I saw Chris before he left, he promised that he would come back and check on his “favorite girl.” As a kid, I made him pinky promise because that was law. After my mom and I moved, I didn’t hear from him. We heard from Lisa almost daily, but we didn’t hear a word from Chris. She had said that he was busy filming and traveling, but that wasn’t a good enough excuse.

He broke his promise to me. He didn’t come to visit us. He went home to Boston for major events like when Carly got married and had her three kids, holidays when he wasn’t working, and sometimes even just because. But he never came out to visit me.

I didn’t see any of his movies. His betrayal was too much for me to handle at the time. That was until one of my friends had me watch “Fantastic Four.” It was his most popular film at the time, but it wasn’t the type of movie I liked watching. But she had said it wasn’t like the typical superhero movie and Johnny Storm was “beyond hot” as the Human Torch. When I saw Chris’s face on my screen, it was like his broken promise was forgotten about. He was… handsome. He had always been good-looking but never like this. I had never seen him act so I didn’t know how good at it he was until that moment. His personality shined through the character, catching glimpses of the man I knew growing up. And in that moment, he wasn’t just “Chris Evans acting as the Human Torch,” he was just Chris: the man who had a piece of my heart that I would never get back.

For years I tried to forget about feeling like that. He was practically my older brother. Gross. But as I looked back on how he was with me, I knew there was something special between us. It’s like our souls were connected in a way that neither of us could have comprehended. And now it was like I recognized it, I saw that in him and I couldn’t ignore it. But I kept it to myself. No one knew of my feelings for him, not even my mom.

The next time I saw him was when my mom and I actually made it out there on my Spring break during my freshman year in college. We had already been there for a few days when he showed up unannounced. He had just wrapped filming for one of his movies and decided to surprise his family by coming home. To say, I was floored would be putting it lightly. Look-wise, he hadn’t changed at all, but there was also something very different about him. Maybe it was just me and my secret crush but he didn’t look like the guy I had grown up with. He was a handsome man who made my heart flip. And the fact that he kept his eyes on me the second he walked in didn’t make that any easier. Something shifted that day, but I thought it was only me. I stayed back to give Lisa and Carly time to greet him, hug him and bombard him with questions about what he was doing here, why he didn’t call, etc., but in my heart I wanted to run into his arms like I always had. The closer he got to me, the more I had to hold back. But when he held out his arms and asked if he could get a hug, it was like no time had passed. His strong arms wrapped themselves around me and I had never felt happier.

Our visit was way too short. Before we left, he pulled me aside and asked for my number so we could keep in contact. I was more than excited, but I immediately shut down any thought that he meant it as anything more than as a friend. He was a Hollywood star now with people throwing themselves at his feet…

And I thought that was bad. Fast forward a few years, after he had landed the leading role in Captain America, his life changed overnight. Everyone knew his name now. Countless people wanted to be with him. They shipped him with his co-stars, Hayley AND Sebastian. Under any other circumstance, he would have let his newfound fame get to his head. But he didn’t. He was still the kid from Boston that we all knew and loved.

He called me one day and invited me to the set of the Avengers movie he was doing. I was more than thrilled because he had never asked me to visit before. It was surreal. Seeing everything that went into that type of movie was amazing. And seeing Chris in his element was a phenomenal sight. I was there every day for a week, watching from the sidelines. 

I met all of the Avengers plus Samuel L. Jackson and Tom Hiddleston. Oh my gosh… To say I was a little overwhelmed would be a total fallacy. To be surrounded by so many brilliant actors and even better human beings was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I would never take advantage of. 

I talked mostly with RDJ, Scarlett, and Tom. RDJ treated me as a daughter almost instantly, always asking if I had needed anything or if I was having fun, cracking jokes about Chris behind his back, taking my side if there was ever a slight argument. He was absolutely amazing.

But then one day on set, while I was sitting in his chair, he approached me with a very blunt question that I never expected from him: “So, how long have you been in love with Evans?” I tried to hide it as best as I could, claiming we were just friends and that’s all, but he wasn’t buying it. “Are you really going to lie to me about this, sweetheart? It’s clearly written all over your face when you look at him.”

“Are you talking about her very obvious crush on Evans?” Scarlett popped up next to us with a smirk on her face. Scarlett was like the big sister I never got to have. She’d tease Chris just as much as I would in between takes, she’d give me the juicy set gossip, and we’d have lunch together when Chris couldn’t. I appreciated her company more than I imagined.

“See? Even she noticed.” Robert pointed to her before leaning on the arm of his chair with his back towards everyone else. “The only one who hasn’t is Chris but there’s an obvious reason there.”

“What the hell are you guys talking about?”

“Chris is just as in love with you as you are with him. He just is too chicken shit to say anything about it.” Scarlett’s name was called for the next scene so she had to take her leave.

“She’s right,” Robert confirmed, “he is. Chicken shit and everything.”

“You guys are delusional.” I peer down at my cuticles which are in dire need of picking at that very moment.

“Are we?” He calls for Ruffalo to come over for a second. All he says is Chris’s last name and then points at me. Mark agrees in a second without any other context. He asks Renner and Hemsworth along with Colbie and Clark the exact same question in the exact same way and they all answer the same way.

“You guys are mistaking familial love for romantic love. We’ve grown up together so there’s no way there’s anything more than that between us.” As those words left my mouth I knew I was lying. At least on my part. I still couldn’t believe that he felt that way towards me.

“Robert, you know it’s not nice to tease a lady.” Tom Hiddleston appears to my rescue fully dressed as the God of Mischief. And then there was Tom. Oh. My. Goodness. He was an absolute sweetheart which was the total opposite of his character Loki. The slight crush I had on him while watching Thor was immediately intensified upon meeting him in his Loki wardrobe. He was the perfect gentleman, too. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek every morning, he offered me his arm when he was walking me around the set while the other Avengers were busy with their scenes, he’d make me swoon by just listening to him speak, and I’d full-body laugh whenever he’d tell a joke. Oh gosh, my heart was loving him.

“I’m not teasing. I would never tease her.” The sarcasm was dripping from his tone. “I’m just telling her what we all know and what she refuses to believe.” I know he means well, but I don’t think anyone could change my mind when it comes to how Chris feels about me.

“Come on, darling,” Tom reaches for my hand, gently pulling me out of the chair, “let’s go get some lunch.”

“Hey,” Robert stops me, “you know I only want what’s best for you, right?” His eyes soften as he can see that his words have slightly upset me. I nod. “Good.” He pulls me into a hug and kisses my temple. “You know we’re all right, though. It’s in his eyes when he looks at you.” He whispers to me before he’s called away and Tom escorts me to craft services.

“Am I blind?” I ask him when we’re away from everyone else. “Or am I the delusional one?”

He chuckles at me, “No, my sweet, you are not either of those things.”

“But?” I ask feeling like there was going to be one at the end of his sentence.

“You may not be blind or delusional, however,” he continues with a fancier version of what I was expecting, “I don’t think you’re really seeing. You’re looking at him, but I don’t think you’re truly seeing the way he looks at you.”

“Great,” I sigh, “so I’m an idiot.”

“You are not an idiot. You are a hopeless romantic with a heart of gold.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder in comfort. “It’ll be alright, darling.”

We quietly ate our lunch until Tom was called back to set, giving me a kiss on the cheek before he left. I resumed enjoying the rare alone moment. I tried to think about the last few years whenever I saw Chris. It wasn’t often but whenever we did see each other, his hugs seemed to linger a little more than before, he seemed to try to keep our conversations going just a little longer, and he would make up any excuse to sit by me… How was I just noticing all of this now? Was I really that blind to it?

I thought they were just teasing me. They all knew of my feelings for him, no matter how many times I tried to deny it, so I figured they were just treating me like the new kid on set, but after that lunch, I watched Chris do a scene and as soon as Joss called “cut,” his eyes would search until they found me. The smile that would adorn his face spoke volumes, but not of the romantic love.. I could see. I could see it all and they were all wrong.

If he felt that way, why wouldn’t he say anything? I’m his best friend. He can tell me anything. Why would this be any different?

For five years, Tom and I would hang out and he would try and help me forget about my unrequited love towards my best friend. It would help for a while but the second I would drive up to Chris’s house again, all memories Tom and I made would take a backseat.

After a little public stint with a singer who shall not be named, he came up with an idea: pretend to date in front of Chris. He cared for me enough that he could see how crazy I was about Chris and he wanted to help him to realize that I won’t always be there waiting for him. He was just finishing up his latest movie so we figured that would be the best time to come out with it. I hated lying to my best friend. But if lying helps even in the slightest, it’d be worth it.

When I told him, my heart broke into a million pieces at his reaction. He tried to hide the sudden sadness in his eyes by quickly masking it with surprise and then joy. But I knew him better than that. He couldn’t hide that strong of an emotion from me. Why would he have been upset though? Could everyone have been right about him all along?

I asked him if he would hang out with us now that Tom is “officially” my “boyfriend” hoping that once he saw me with someone else, he’d say something. He seemed closed off during the meeting, but I attributed it to him thinking about his next movie. He and Tom had always gotten along so I didn’t understand why he couldn’t push that aside to have a nice time with us.

While he was away, rumors started to spread that he and his co-star had also started a relationship. I didn’t want to believe it. He’d dated other women before but those were just flings. He never confirmed those relationships either. He always let people speculate. I didn’t want to believe that this girl had changed that.

It wasn’t until he got back to LA with the cutest dog I’ve ever seen in my entire life that he confirmed my nightmare. I tried to be happy for him. I really did. He deserved to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. He deserved someone who could be honest with him...

I ultimately made the decision to move out of his house after walking in on them making out on the couch. I didn’t want another incident like that to happen ever again. My heart could not take it. So in order to protect it, I left. Leaving him and Dodger was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wanted to go back home, but my job kept me here. I ended up renting a one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment a few miles away. It actually made my commute to work easier so it was a better situation altogether.

Three years passed and nothing had changed. Chris’s relationship lasted a majority of that but with the end of his Marvel contract nearing soon, he seemed more focused on his career than dating. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest. He’s a very career-oriented and an independent man, but deep down inside I know he wants a family. He wants a traditional life with family traditions like decorating the tree at Christmas and Family game nights. I know he has yearned for that connection with someone, even when he’s tried to hide it. 

In those three years, Tom and I kept up with our plan. We weren’t public about it, but all of our close family and friends knew about it. Everyone but Chris knew the truth. He never suspected anything and he never said a thing about it…

Until he came to my apartment at 3 o’clock in the morning, plastered.

All night I sat up on my loveseat, watching him.

All this time, he actually did feel the same way about me as I did him. For years, he’s harbored these feelings of love for me and I had no idea. I wanted to tell him the whole truth but not while he was inebriated. He needed a clear head which is why I’m waiting.

I text Tom, knowing he’s in London and awake by now. I ask him what exactly he said to my drunk and seemingly broken-hearted best friend. I know that’s what this was all about. Tom must have said something to Chris to make him quite literally crack. Tom’s one emoji response told me everything I needed to know. Chris’s fear of losing me forever makes all of the sense in the world now.

So I laid and waited, getting some work done while consuming some caffeine to stay awake until he decides to wake up. I know it won’t be pretty so I set out a trash bin by his head and a glass of water with some aspirin on my coffee table for the massive hangover he’s bound to have when he inevitably does wake up.

His groans breaking the silence let me know when he was indeed returning to the land of the conscious. “Oh God,” he grunts as everything from last night starts to hit him.

“Trash bin by your head.” I tell him as I saw him looking around for one out of the corner of my eye. On cue, he lurched over and emptied the contents of his stomach into the bin. Thankfully I was far enough away so I didn’t smell it. I would be joining him too if I even caught a whiff of it. When he finally sat back, I continued my instructions, “Aspirin and water are on the coffee table.” He immediately grabbed both, gulping it down after popping the pills. “Extra toothbrush is in the bathroom.”

“I’ll get to that,” He winces as he leans back once again, “when the room stops spinning.” He groans again, covering his face with a pillow to shield the light.

I took that as my cue to brew him some coffee. I traded him for the pillow when it was finished. It took him two cups to finally sit up completely. He sat with his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his face. I sat on the table in front of him after handing him his third cup. He nursed the cup refusing to make eye contact with me.

“Did you stay up all night?” He asks eyeing where I was sat, knowing me well enough to know I would never be up this early unless I never went to bed in the first place.

“We need to talk about last night.” I ignored his question, speaking quietly not wanting to irritate the pounding in his head. He nods, knowing that this conversation was inevitable. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I was going to, but then you and Tom and I met Jenny…” he drifted off seeming like he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. “I didn’t want to ruin anything, between us or otherwise.”

“I really wish you would have said something…” I take a deep breath, bracing myself for his reaction for what I’m about to tell him. I hoped he wouldn’t be mad, but I’d understand if he would be. “… because Tom and I aren’t really dating.”

His head snapped up so quickly, I’d be surprised if he didn’t get whiplash. “What?”

“He’s a phenomenal guy, but there’s never been anything more than friendship with him. He’s become one of my best friends, only third to you and Scott though.” I smirked trying to make light of the situation.

But by the flabbergasted look on his face- mouth slightly open, brows furrowed, eyes barely blinking- he couldn’t believe what I was saying. Even a brilliant man such as Chris is having a hard time processing this. I gave him time to, waiting for him to say something.

“Why?” was the first thing he asked. Since it was a vague question, I tried to answer as many of the “whys” there would be. From why we did it in the first place to why I didn’t tell him and why I lied to him as well as why nothing ever happened between me and Tom…

That one was the easiest to answer. “Nothing like that ever happened between us because he’s known from the beginning that my heart would always be with someone else.” I made sure to maintain eye contact with him through it all so he would know that I was being 100% truthful. I needed him to know that despite the lies I told about my fake relationship, I have never lied to him about anything else and I will never lie to him again.

“If all of it was fake then why did he ask me about how he should propose to you?” was his next question. He’s been quietly listening as I’ve tried to explain it all. I know this was a loaded question that was coming.

“Tom is one of the biggest romantics I know, do you honestly think he would need help with planning one of the most romantic gestures one can make?” I asked back, trying to get him to think about his question for a second.

I could see the wheels turning in his head until it dawned on him. He didn’t need help at all. “He wanted a reaction out of me.” He concludes running his hands down his face again.

“I can promise you, Chris that I had nothing to do with him asking you about that. I figured he’d said something to get that reaction out of you, but I never expected it to have been… that. I’m so sorry.”

“No,” he protested, taking both of my hands in his, running his thumbs over my knuckles, “please don’t be sorry. If I had told you sooner, none of this would have happened. I just…” he squeezed my hands a little tighter, “I couldn’t let you go any further into that relationship without telling you the truth.”

“When did you know?” This was the one burning question I was dying to ask. I needed to know which moment it was for him where he realized his feelings. I needed to know what moment was so significant to him that it changed his mind about me.

“I first noticed a difference when my mom sent me one of your senior pictures. You weren’t the little girl I remembered you to be. You were so… beautiful. I couldn’t believe it.” A small smile cracked his serious demeanor. “And then I knew it wasn’t just a simple crush when I saw you after that. You quite literally took my breath away.” He chuckled at the memory. “And looking back now, I realize there was always something between us, but never in a million years did I think it would turn into this.”

“You got that right,” I concur. Never did I think I would be head over heels with the guy who helped teach me how to ride a bike and wouldn’t give up until I was as fast as him and his friends, who also pushed me around in the toy Jeep I had gotten for my birthday until our parents made us come inside, who protected me during the thunderstorms I was terrified of as a child… there was a special connection between us. Who would have thought it would evolve to something like this?

“When did you?” He asks looking so deeply into my eyes I swear he can read my soul.

I giggled at the memory. “I was sixteen. My friend made me watch Fantastic Four.” He full-on laughed at the mention of that movie. He dropped my left hand so he could grab his left pec. “Stop laughing at me, you jerk!” As hard as I tried, I couldn’t help but laugh along with him. That kind of laugh was contagious. It wasn’t until we calmed down that I continued, “And I don’t know. Something inside me just… clicked. That was it for me. I’ve been keeping it a secret ever since then.” I shook my head at how ridiculous we’ve both been. “But I think I’ve been in love with you for my entire life. I just didn’t know what it meant until then.”

He stares at our still joined hands, “We’ve been keeping the biggest secret from the other for so long, neither of us knowing that sharing said secret would be exactly what we wanted to hear.”

I continue, “Neither of us wanting to risk ruining our decades long friendship in case the other didn’t feel the same way.” We chuckled at how much we thought alike.

“So,” he cradles my cheek with his hand, I lean into his warm gentle touch, “where do we go from here?”

“Well I think you need some more sleep to get rid of your hangover and I need to actually get some sleep.” I stand up, “Come on.” I drag him off of the couch and into my bedroom. 

He teases me as he wraps his arms around me from behind, “I’ve dreamed of this day for years.”

I burst out laughing at how alike we thought in that exact moment. I must be tired. I playfully shove him onto the bed, not feeling an ounce of guilt when he winces in pain from his still-throbbing head. “We are just sleeping, mister.” I climb in next to him, turning my back to him. We both lay there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. So I take initiative, reaching behind me and grabbing his arm, bringing it around my waist. He giggles as he scoots until he’s spooning me.

He hums in satisfaction. “Just so you know,” he leans into my ear and whispers, “I love you.”

The smile on my face can’t be denied. I’m thankful he can’t see. “I love you.” I whisper back before we drift off into silence.

The last thing we both think about before we succumb to our exhaustion is this… RDJ was right and he will never let us live this down.

Tags: @the-marvel-wars @elusive-beauty @im-a-slut-for-an-accent @fantasy-is-my-reality @drakesfiance

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

Inconsequentials

Moodboard Credit: @alottanothing​

Summary: You’ve lived in New York City for a few years and were one of Angela’s roommates in college. You bump into Elliot on the night of Angela’s birthday party, and you and Elliot connect. Smut’s at the end.

Warnings: Smut

* * * * *

The noise of the bar is too much; it isn’t the competition between the music and the televisions, or the cacophony of alerts on cellphones that people couldn’t bother to silence for one night.

It is the loud conversation, or rather, attempts at conversation. The too-loud small talk with people You only vaguely knows and honestly doesn’t care to know. The endless cycle of too-loud questions: “Hey! Good to see you! What have you been up to?” and “Are you seeing anyone?” and “How are you?” and “What’s new?”

Unable to bear another hour, you make your goodbye to your old roommate, citing an early morning meeting as an excuse, and then quickly exit through the door of the bar, hoping to slink unaccosted by anyone else into the city’s quiet nighttime.

  However, the solid body you collide into as you round off the stoop makes your quick exit come to a pretty damn obvious halt. 

  “Shit! I’m so sor—"

  Your words escape you as your eyes lock onto the most ethereal eyes you’ve ever seen. You think, for an instant, that if you got close enough to them it would be like that final scene in one of the Men in Black movies where doors keep opening and opening and opening just to show us how insignificant our understanding of the universe really is. 

  You realize that you’re standing there, open-mouthed, like an idiot and quickly take a step back before beginning your apology again.

  “Sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay.”

  Jesus. Fuck me up and drive me crazy. Even his voice is otherworldly.

  “I must say, though, that’s not the safest place to stand considering the endless parade of just too much to drink that walks out of this place.”

  The man looks at you and you can feel his mind working, feel his tenseness over whether or not to talk. You almost begin to apologize, again, when he speaks. 

  “I’m supposed to be in there. It’s my friend’s birthday.” 

  “You know Angela?”

  His eyes widen, although it seems impossible that they could get any larger.

  “You know Angela?” He echoes and you can’t help but chuckle. 

  “I do believe I asked you first,” you say through a grin. 

  He smiles, just a quick blink and you’ll miss it quirk of the lips, but you definitely categorize it as a smile. 

  “We’ve been friends since we were kids. And we work together now.” 

  “You’re Elliot,” you state with a finality that surprises him. “I went to college with Angela and we shared an apartment with two other girls, Jess and Annamarie—actually, both of them are still inside, and you know how it is. Late night talks. Shared childhood stories. I have an odd affinity for remembering inconsequential details. Not that you as a person are inconsequential!” 

  Fuck. You’re babbling like an idiot, and sort of shocked that this almost-stranger could make you so school-girl nervous.  

  Elliot did that almost smile thing again and seemed sort of surprised at his own response. 

  “Aren’t we all inconsequential, though? Swallowed up by the people we answer to? Or by society’s expectations and our inability to meet them?”

  As soon as the words leave his mouth, he seems paralyzed, like he can’t believe he said them out loud. 

  “Shit. I didn’t mean to say—"

  “Sure you did. But I suppose it has something to do with you not wanting to go in there? Maybe worried that you’ll feel weird because you don’t know anyone other than her?”

  Elliot watches as you tilt your head to the side just a bit and finish simply by saying, “Or maybe you just hate people?”

  Elliot turns to look inside giving you an opportunity to look at him properly. He’s head to toe in black, a worn hoodie clinging to his thin frame. His shoes are scuffed, also worn, but you can’t help but to let your eyes wander up his denim clad legs and to his ass, outlined nicely enough in the tight pants. 

  And that face. You could look at that face forever, like a piece of art that has layers and layers of depth. How many times do you meet a person in real life with a face like that? 

  Elliot sighs and turns back to you, your eyes snapping up to his. 

  “You’re not missing anything. Unless you enjoy watching Angela’s latest terrible choice in men cling to her like she’s a life preserver and he’s drowning.”

  Your comment earns a snort of derision from Elliot. 

  Emboldened by his response and the fact that he has made no move to go inside the bar, you ask, “Instead of going in there, do you want to maybe go somewhere else? Engage in some horrific small talk until we get to the good stuff?”

  “Okay.”

  One definitely awkward, mostly silent ten-minute train ride and an equally awkward and mostly silent block and a half of walking later, you are at your favorite dive bar. It is in an old building that should’ve been torn down a decade ago but escaped the clutches of modernization. Stale cigarette smoke still clung to the walls even though smoking was banned inside years ago. Despite the aged odors and decor, it was clean and quiet, full of regulars who also wanted to hold onto the past, desperate to have a place to just watch the outdated TV above the bar and talk with people like themselves, desperate for a time before Snapchat and Facebook and the stale conversations of the superficial, of people who only pretend to know you because they only really know your profile and your posts.  

  No one pays any attention to you and Elliot as they walk in and head to one of the booths in the back. You slide in and shuck off your coat as Elliot pulls back his hood, his hands running through his hair quickly. 

  You wet your lips at the sight of his face without any barrier and at the practiced way his hands fix his hair.

  He’s beautiful.

  And what an idiot you feel like as you think it, but wow. You make a mental note that despite the worn hoodie and boots, he must know he looks decently good if he visits a barber regularly enough to get a high maintenance haircut like that. Elliot was shaping up to be a true enigma. 

  “What do you want to drink? My treat,” you say through a quick smile. 

  “I’ll have whatever you have.”

  You slip out of the booth, and when you place the order, you make sure to lean just a bit into the bar as you wait in order to show off your ass. 

  When the bartender returns, you ask, “Sammy—is he looking? Did he check out my ass?” 

  Sammy chuckles and leans in to whisper, “Oh, yeah. Didn’t even try to do it discreetly.” 

  “Interesting,” you reply. “I’m not quite sure what to make of him, but that helps a bit.” 

  “I’ll keep an eye on you, babe.” 

  You chuckle, pay, and say your thanks. 

  “Coors Light. Bottled. I’m pretty much as basic as they come.”

  Elliot sort-of smiles, lifts his bottle to his mouth and takes a long drink. 

  “So, back to the whole idea of the inconsequentialness of humanity—what makes you believe that? 

  Elliot shakes his head and starts to backpedal, but you push him. 

  “Don’t tell me you blurt out dark truths about humanity but don’t mean them. Don’t be that guy.”

  “Most people don’t want to hear the things that I keep in my head. I’m not sure you really understand what you’re asking.”

  You raise an eyebrow, a little annoyed at his reluctance.

  “I assure you . . . I can handle it. I taught high school for a few years before I got my current gig in the city. If anyone can understand cynicism, it’s a teacher.” 

  Elliot leans forward, his fingers lightly tapping against the sweating bottle.

  “Why’d you stop? Teaching, I mean. Isn’t it supposed to be . . . rewarding?” 

  You genuinely laugh and it is loud enough and strong enough to make Elliot blink in surprise. 

  “Christ. Those moments are so few and far between the chaos of putting out everyday fires that after a while, it just isn’t enough. The bad outweighs the good. And I knew I didn’t belong in front of those kids once I felt like that. Now, I work for a mid-size company writing and editing technical manuals and working on grants to get more funding so they can expand. I’m just an inconsequential buried in work by the people who are hoping to become people rich enough to run the world.” 

  Elliot is quiet for a minute or so, most likely processing everything you unloaded.

  After another drink, he says, “I work at Allsafe. It’s…it’s a cybersecurity firm. We protect companies from cyber attacks. We protect those big companies that are actually rich enough to run the world.”

  You roll your eyes and nod in agreement. “It seems like the more I read, the more depressed I get because those companies just eat up everything. Consumerism, I guess? As long as there is something they can convince people to buy, they will continue to take people’s money and they will continue to be richer than god.”

  Elliot studies you as he finishes off his beer.

  “My turn,” he mumbles as he grabs your empty bottle and heads to the bar.

  Conversation becomes easier; while you definitely are the one talking the most, Elliot does relax and stops looking so shocked every time he shares something with you.

  At the end of the night, and after you’ve both developed a good buzz, you slide out of the booth. You give Sammy a smile and a wave to let him know you think the man in black is alright after all and the two of you head back toward the subway. As you walk, your shoulder brushes Elliot’s, ever so slightly.

  “I’m really glad I quite literally ran into you,” you say, sneaking a sideways glance as the two of you jog down the stairs.

  Elliot’s hands are buried in his hoodie pockets and you can just make out the small smile that crosses his lips.

  “Me, too.”

  “Text me sometime?” you ask as you hand Elliot your phone.

  You watch as he enters his number, his fingers moving almost faster than your eyes can register, especially due to your tipsiness. He hands your phone back and you let out a huff of a laugh as you see he’s already texted himself. A simple, “Hi.”

  Your train arrives at that moment and you give Elliot a small wave as he watches you step through the doors. You take a seat and turn to look out of the window, meeting his eyes once again. As soon as the train pulls away, your phone vibrates and you grin.

  It’s stupid, really, to feel so happy. All he’s sent is a simple message: Goodnight : )

  * * * * * * *

  Over the next three weeks, you and Elliot text a lot, meet up for coffee twice, and then decide to go for drinks at your bar again. The night progresses in a similar fashion to their first night together, but this time, when Elliot walks you to your train, you ask him if he wants to come over.

  “I don’t think I’m ready for the night to end this time,” you confess as you look up at Elliot, running your hand through your hair and biting your bottom lip.

  “Okay,” he says in more of a rumble than an actual word.

  The train ride seems to take twice as long as usual. You sit close together but not quite touching; you’re just close enough to feel the presence of him, to feel the heat of him, and to breathe him in. You desperately want to lean into him, to rest your hand on his thigh, but you know that touching is something of a struggle for him. It’s going to be up to Elliot to cross that line.

  It is a short walk from the subway to your apartment. You live in a decent enough neighborhood where people mind their own business but are still friendly enough to hold a door open for one another.

  As soon as you’re inside, Elliot busies himself by moving around your space, his eyes searching everything and nothing at the same time. It is a small studio apartment so it’s pretty easy to take everything in. You were lucky enough to find a studio with a loft, so the bedroom isn’t currently staring obscenely at the two of them, reminding you of the line that you so desperately want Elliot to cross.

  You take off your jacket and your shoes, happy to finally be barefoot. You go to the fridge and grab a bottle of water for lack of anything else to do while Elliot finishes his inventory of your stuff. Seemingly satisfied, he takes a seat at the barstool on the other side of your kitchen counter, which doubles as a table. He still has his hands stuffed in his hoodie and the hood is up. You’re eyes inadvertently flick to the hood, and he reaches up to take it down, mussing through his hair in that same way that makes your lick your lips every damn time. God, how you want to be the one who fixes his hair when he takes that fucking hood down.  

  “I really like you. These past few weeks have been nice—having someone to talk to,” you say as you twirl your water between your fingers.

  “I’m not very good at this,” Elliot says in a too-loud blunt voice as he looks away, a slight blush coloring his cheeks.

  You laugh softly but stop the instant you see Elliot’s hands twitch up, as if he’s about to pull on his hoodie again.

  You move quickly around the counter and reach out, your hand barely resting on his covered arm.

  “I mean, who is if they really like someone? It’s always weird when you’re deciding whether or not to cross that line.”

  Elliot turns those eyes on you, large and dark in the dim lighting of your apartment, and full of vulnerability. He presses his lips together and takes a deep breath. You’re pretty sure you can hear his heart beating, but then again, maybe it’s yours?

  He turns his body toward you and skims his fingers, light as feathers over your arm before grasping just above your elbow. Your eyes are locked on Elliot’s as you step between his legs, closing the last bit of distance. He looks up at you and uses his other hand to grasp your chin and pull you toward his mouth.

  Your first kiss is soft, hesitant. Your lips ghost against his as you slowly open your mouth more and more until he is the one to slide his tongue past your lips. You don’t mean to, but you let out the tiniest groan of pleasure as you open your mouth wider to his explorations and begin to return the kiss. The heat between the two of you is such a mixture of chemical wantonness and desperate urgency not be alone that it’s amazing neither of you combust.

  Elliot’s hand slides from your chin to your hair and you’re gripping his thigh so tightly as you lean into him that you’re sure it hurts. But if anything, he’s opening up for you, sensing in you the same feelings of loneliness he has buried within himself.

  You move your hand from Elliot’s thigh and from the back of the barstool to place both in his hair. You’ve been desperate to touch that black mess since the first night you saw him remove his hood and fix it himself. His hair is thicker than you expect, but so soft and when you dig your fingers into his scalp and move impossibly close to his body, he moans.

   You pull his head back to angle his gorgeous jaw to your lips. You kiss his chin, moving your lips slowly and softly along his jawline, peppering it with sweet kisses until you reach his earlobe. You close your teeth over it before kissing just underneath his ear.

  Elliot’s hands have moved to your hips and he’s gripping them almost as ferociously as you gripped his thigh.

  You pull back and look at each other, searching each other’s faces for any sign of leftover hesitation. He looks so sexy with his lips just a little raw from kissing, shining with saliva and still slightly parted.

  “Upstairs?”

  Elliot nods and takes your hand as you extend it to him, trailing just behind you as you walk up to the loft.

  “Are you looking at my ass?”

  Elliot laughs, a sweet, short burst of noise that you want to memorize in case it never happens again.

  “That’s how I knew you liked me that first night,” you explains as you reach the top of the stairs and turn to face him. “I asked Sammy if you looked.”

  Elliot smiles as he answers, “You have a great ass.”

  You laugh at his frank reply, and he pulls you into him. He kisses you until you need to pull away to breath and that’s when you knows it’s good—that he’s crossing the line and that it’s a good, good thing.

  He reaches around to grip your ass through your jeans and you grasp his shoulders. He pushes your hips into his and you can feel how hard he is already.

  “Way too many clothes,” you mumble into his neck.

  He steps back and unzips his hoodie, shrugging out of it, the clang of the zipper hitting the floor making the reality of what’s about to happen all the more intense. You pull your top over your head and let it fall from your fingertips. His eyes are taking you in and you enjoy the heat his gaze brings to your core. You reach up and unhook your bra, Elliot’s eyes watching the front clasp spring apart. He steps forward and slides the straps from your shoulders. He reaches out to cup your breasts, his thumbs sliding over your hard nipples. He pulls gently at them, watching your face instead of your body. Your eyes slide shut and you groan at the motion, and he does it again before he trails his knuckles over your stomach and grasps the front of your jeans. He pulls you into his body, encapsulating your lips in a heated kiss as his hands travel over your back, into your hair, and back to grip your ass again.

  You need to feel his skin against yours, so you reach down to pull his t-shirt over his head. You immediately move to kiss the smattering of freckles across his shoulders, your mouth leaving hot kisses from shoulder to shoulder, stopping in the middle to lick at the base of his neck. His body is hot and tight and your fingers are in love with the feel of him.

  You trail kisses down his chest, tweaking his nipples in a motion that mirrored how he had touched yours. Elliot groans and his head drops back as his eyes close. Once you’re on your knees, you pop the button on his jeans and his head snaps back to attention, watching you with those goddamn eyes. You look up as you palm his hard cock through his jeans and he moves your hands out of the way so he can unzip and open his pants, inviting you to touch him.

  You pull his jeans down and off, tugging off his black socks as well. You know you shouldn’t, but you chuckle, low in your throat.

  “My god, you really are the man in black.”

  Elliot shrugs his shoulders in response and you smile as you pull his boxer briefs over his erection and down his legs. He steps out of them and you look up and raise your brow.

  “Impressive.”

  Elliot doesn’t have time to debate with himself on a reply because your mouth is surrounding that impressive length, your tongue cradling his cock as you take in the taste of him. You suck, hollowing your cheeks as you grip his hips to keep him steady. You alternate between slow, torturing licks and engulfing him in the heat of your mouth until his hands grip yours, signaling you to stop. You give a final lick to the tip, enjoying the saltiness of his precum.

  He holds his hands out to help your stand back up, and as soon as you have your footing, Elliot’s pushing you toward the bed. You lie back stretching, teasing him as he looks at your body. He reaches down to open the button on your jeans and unzips them, tugging them off of your legs. Elliot traces his fingers up your legs, pushing them apart. He runs his thumb over your still-under-wear-clad center. He presses on your clit, gently testing your arousal.

  You moan and push yourself into his touch. You don’t care if you sound needy.

  You continue to watch Elliot as he lightly fingers over everything but your clit, and you’re just about to beg as he slides his finger into your underwear and lightly grazes your core. He brings that finger to his lips and slides it into his mouth, closing his eyes at the taste.

  “Jesus Christ, El. You’re killing me,” you pant.

  He smirks, just a quick twitch of his lips.

  “I like when you call me that,” he begins as he reaches up to slide your underwear off.

  “But I think I want to hear you scream it,” he finishes as he closes his lips over your clit and sucks.

  “Fuck! Elliot, El, oh, fuck!”

  Your body is trembling with its need to orgasm and you’re pretty sure that Elliot’s lips are built for the sole purpose of making your come, but you want the first time you come with him to be while he’s inside of you.

  You wiggle away from his face, and he looks up, his lips glistening, his brows furrowing until he sees what you grabbed out of the nightstand’s drawer.

  “I want you in me when I come,” you say, tearing the foil packet open, probably looking a little more like an animal than a seductress but so desperate to feel his cock inside of you that you don’t even fucking care.

  However you looked, it worked for Elliot. His eyes are blown wide and so dark with arousal. He shudders as you push the condom over him, not even giving him time to process the sensation as you pull him by the base of his cock toward you.

  He doesn’t hesitate to slide into your soaking center, both of you moaning at the feeling of him finally inside of you. You tighten your thighs around him and hold him still, relishing in this sensation that only happens once in every relationship; the first time he sinks into you, the first time you experience what it’s like to be sated by this person you’ve allowed to cross the line is a true moment of intimacy that is only ever experienced once in every relationship. Each subsequent time just attempts to chase the high of that very first time.

  You eventually loosen your grip, allowing your body to respond naturally to his. Elliot is slow, methodical, at first. Beads of sweat are forming at his temples and he looks so lost in the feeling of your body, lost, but at peace, like everything in his head is finally quiet.

  He fucks you at that excruciatingly slow pace until you beg him to go faster, harder.

  “Please, El. Need you. Need you so much.”

  Elliot’s hips begin to rock into you, your hips rising to meet his until you create a perfect rhythm. You can tell he’s getting close from the red blush that creeps across his chest and the slight faltering in his pace. He changes his angle so he can watch you as he rubs your still swollen clit, your hands reaching up to grip the headboard as he slams into you.

  “Oh, god Elliot!”

  You cry out as your orgasm finally shocks its way through your body leaving you a trembling mess as Elliot stills himself in you and comes with a groan that sounds a whole lot like your name. 

  He falls half on top of you, careful not to crush you, but you can feel his heart pounding, echoing your own heart’s strong beats. His breathing is deep, but slowly returns to a steady pace. You have your arm flung across your eyes, still steadying your own breathing as you feel his weight shift as he gets out of bed.

  Elliot hisses just a bit as he pulls the condom off. The silence is long and awkward enough for you to remove your arm and look over at him, standing adorably in a state of confusion as his eyes dart around the room. You giggle as you realizes he’s looking for the trash can.

  “Shit—sorry!” You slide over and open the front panel of your nightstand to reveal a trashcan inside.

  He tosses it in the bin and quirks his head at you stating, “You’re very. . . clean. I mean, like, organized.”

  “One of my idiosyncrasies. Why? Are you a slob?”

  “Uhhh. . .”

  “Alright. So, next time, we go to your place and maybe we clean instead of doing this?”

  “Was I really that bad?”

  You laugh and hold the sheet up, inviting him back into bed.

  Elliot slides in and lays his body half over yours. You slide your hands up his smooth back and he dips down to kiss you.

  “You know that was amazing,” you say softly.

And you think to yourself that you could get really used to the feeling of Elliot’s lips quirking into a smile as he kisses your neck.

* * * * *

Note: I’ve wanted to write Elliot for a while, but I’ve never been confident with my characterization of him. I guess I just want happy Elliot too much, so sorry if I’ve mucked it up.

Also, the line, “Fuck me up and drive me crazy” is stolen from the Lil Peep song, “I’ve Been Waiting.”

[lovemesomesurveys]

What song are you listening to right now? I’m not listening to music right now.

Admit it -- you want a Snuggie. What design/color? I have one, it’s black. I used to talk crap about them back in the day haha but I actually love it.

Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theatre? I like going to the movies and certain movies I just have to see in theaters first, but others I can wait to rent at home. Be comfy and watching movies at home is nice, too.

How many songs does your iTunes have? I don’t use iTunes (haven’t in years), I use Spotify. My main playlist has over 800 songs.

Do you take a shower in the morning or the night before?  At night.

Who's your youngest teacher? I’m done with school.

Have you ever had the samples people offer you at Costco? Yeah. This pesto sandwich sample I got once was reallyyyy good. If you had to name your kid after a food, what would his/her name be? Madeleine. Or Brie lol.

Are you stressed about anything? The things I’m always stressing about and this whole pandemic stuff. That’s really been doing a number on my anxiety, especially.

When's the last time you had a rock, paper, scissors match? I don’t remember.

What's your favorite anime? I don’t watch anime.

Did you cry when Ash let his Butterfree go with the other Butterfrees?

Don't you hate it when Facebook auto-corrects your smiley faces and hearts?  Huh? It doesn’t autocorrect emojis.

Skinny, flared, ripped, or faded jeans? Skinny jeans only. 

What are you excited for? Nothing.

Are you part of the Farmville cult? I never got into that. That was such an annoying time cause I would get so many stupid game requests on Facebook. I’m glad that’s not a thing anymore.

What were you for Halloween? Nothing. I don’t dress up anymore.

Have you ever had braces?  Yes, but not for my teeth.

What year of high school are you in? I graduated high school back in 2008.

What's your favorite flower? I just say roses, but I don’t really have one.

Would you ever bleach your hair?  I do.

Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water?  No.

Would you ever take up smoking or drinking?  I used to drink back in the day with friends and I smoked (weed) a few times. I don’t do either anymore.

Do those girls with 1,000 friends on Facebook REALLY have that many? Don’t know, don’t care. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Fourth of July.

Are you cyberdyslexic? No.

Are you regular dyslexic?  No.

What would your name be if you were a boy? I’ve been told Jesse was a possibility. 

Which person from way back when would you love to hang out with? Hmm.

What color are your eyes?  Brown.

The forever on-going question: Is Twilight stupid or actually brilliant? I was actually a huge Twilight fan back when the books were still coming out and then with the movies as well. Then I just outgrew it and anytime I’ve caught it on TV since then I’m just like wow...it’s so cringey lmao.

Did you carve pumpkins for Halloween this year? We’re only April, but nah I’m pretty sure I won’t be. I haven’t the last few years.

Does your family use a real pine tree or a plastic one for Christmas? Real.

Do you know anyone with a play-on name? (Chris P. Bacon, Justin Case, etc.)  Chris P. Bacon lol. Anyway, no not that I can think of.

Do you have any foreign exchange students at your school? I’m done with school. 

Are you good at brain teasers? Sometimes. 

Is your handwriting nice? No, it’s so shitty.

What's your second language?  I’m only fluent in one language.

Is it uncomfortable for you to take showers in glass stalls w/out curtains? My shower has a sliding door instead of a curtain and I don’t care? No one comes in while I’m in there, so. And it’s textured glass.

Finish the sentence: Remember, remember... I forgot.

Did you understand Shakespeare? I didn’t enjoy Shakespeare. 

What do you want to be when you're older?  I’m almost 31 and still have no idea.

What's your favorite dog breed? Labs and German Shepherds, duhhh. ha. I’m obviously a little biased.

What was the last shot you got?  It was an antibiotic years ago when I was really sick.

Ever gotten cavities?  Yes.

Can you differentiate between the words "your" and "you're?"  Yes.

Do you use hair ties as bracelets? I used to do that.

What was the last school project you did that you couldn't wait to turn in? *shrug* I’ve been out of school for 5 years.

Have you ever graded papers? Did a lot of peer editing throughout school.

What's the latest you've ever woken up?  Like 4PM, I think. 

Can you recite the alphabet backwards?  I could, but it would take me a little longer.

If you could master one language in thirty minutes, what would it be?  Spanish.

Are you a sucker for foreign accents?  I do like some of them. Where were you born? Is it the same place you live currently? Somewhere, California. 

How often do you remember your dreams? What did you last dream about? I generally forget them soon after I wake up, but some definitely stick with me.

When did you learn the ninja turtles were named after Renaissance artists?  I don’t recall when I first made that connection.

Do you do yoga?  No.

[niallismymuse]

Chapter 2

Tessa went to bed that night feeling happy and content, even with the knowledge that she would have a wicked hangover the next morning. It was all worth it, just for the look on his face when she had kissed his cheek.

Yet when she woke up the next morning to a splitting headache, it didn’t matter for long. Because her feed was filled with texts from her mother and sister and some of her colleagues, all with links to various articles online. Articles written about her.

She clicked on the one her sister sent, ignoring the other messages. It opened up to pictures of her and Niall hugging inside and outside of the bar, and one showing her kissing his cheek. The headline was ‘Popstar Niall Horan and YouTuber Queen Tessa – Dating?’

She blinked about eight million times, despite how crusty her eyes felt, and let out a groan that would have woken the dead. She couldn’t deal with this. She could not. And Niall – he must be embarrassed right now. She hadn’t seen any messages from him, but surely someone had told him that he was in the pop-culture articles once more. Especially over something like this.

Dating? No. Did she wish? Yes. Was it likely to ever happen now? Mm, probably not.

They hadn’t been spotted out and about together before, not that they had gone outmuch before. But of course, the one time she decided to have balls, someone took pictures.

With a sigh of utter despair, Tessa tossed her phone aside and buried her face into her pillow. Tears burned at her eyes, and she sniffled, her bottom lip quivering. Sure, this wasn’t the first ‘story’ that had been sold about her, but this was by far the largest. She would be lucky if it didn’t affect her friendship with Niall – unless that was already screwed. He hadn’t messaged, after all.

Neither had Jess. So much for having a best friend.

Tessa reached down and yanked the covers over her head, blocking out the light of day streaming through her curtains.

✩✩✩

After wallowing under the blankets for at least an hour and pushing back tears a majority of the time, Tessa decided she had to get up and deal with the trials of the day. She took it slow – she emerged from her cocoon and got some Advil and a glass of water to ease the headache pulsing through her skull. Once the pill was swallowed along with the rest of the water, she rummaged around her fridge for some breakfast. She found some leftovers to eat, not in the mood to cook; that was sacrilegious, because Tessa was always in the mood to cook. Today, though, she let it slide.

She munched on some cold quesadilla’s from the other night and filled the ache in her stomach. Yet the ache in her chest was still there, pulsing beneath everything else. She couldn’t believe someone had taken pictures of her and Niall. Wait, yes, she could, but what she couldn’t believe was that they were all over the Internet. How had her fun night out turned so sour?

Tessa decided she couldn’t dwell on it any longer – it would make her headache come back, stronger than ever before. She needed to get her mind off of it, so she would do the one thing she could: work.

And work she did. When she was about halfway finished with putting the Othello video together, she sent Niall a text, a simple ‘hey’, and then set her phone aside. She lost herself in the editing process, and when the video was complete and ready to be stored for uploading, the sun was westward in the sky.

Blowing out a harsh breath, she saw that Niall hadn’t texted back.

Okay, ouch, she thought, but I have better things to do than overanalyze that.

It could have been anything. He was likely dealing with fallout of his own. Now that she was back on her phone, she could see that her social media was blowing up. She was being mentioned in practically triple the Tweets that she was normally mentioned in. People were commenting all over her Instagram, and yeah, about half of those were nasty comments. Like, ‘why would Niall kiss her? She’s ugly’ and others in a similar vein.

When Tessa checked her YouTube account, she saw that her subscriber count had definitely increased since yesterday, which caused some mixed emotions.

Perhaps this wasn’t entirely bad, then. But then she felt guilty over the thought – she did not kiss Niall’s cheek for more views or subscribers, she kissed Niall’s cheek because she liked him.

Tessa could feel herself beginning to spiral, and her chest tightened. She set her phone down again and took a deep breath in through her nose, and then pushed it out through her mouth. After repeating the process for a few minutes and narrowing her focus until breathing was all that she could think of, her chest loosened. That tight, anxious feeling still lurked, but it was manageable. As long as she had something else to do, some way to keep her mind occupied, it would stay that way. Doing nothing would make it come back, full-force.

She turned the notifications off on her phone and ignored the several texts her mother had sent her. Maria Jenkins would have to wait for her daughter to catch her breath.

Tessa sat there in her desk chair and thought about what to do next, lacing her fingers together. She needed to get her car. She had taken an Uber home last night, which meant that her poor car was still sitting in that bar’s parking lot. That was a priority.

Mind focused, she ordered another Uber and worked on a script for a video while she waited.

✩✩✩

Driving in LA always took a lot of concentration, at least in Tessa’s opinion. The roads were crowded and full of traffic, and in certain tourist-trap areas, there was always at least one person who darted across the street when and where they weren’t supposed to. She didn’t mind; not today, anyway. It was just another thing to focus wholly on.

She stopped at Trader Joe’s and bought groceries for dinner, keeping her eyes down and her steps quick. She’d been stopped by fans before, and while she always loved seeing them, today was just not the day for it.

When she got home and unloaded, she took a moment to check her phone. She hadn’t checked it since the Uber had arrived and wasn’t surprised to see more messages from her mom (‘Are you ever going to message your own mother, Tessa?’), but she wassurprised to see a single text from Niall.

It read: hey…how are you holding up?

She typed back: I’m okay. You?

His response came a minute later. I’m okay, used to it. I’m more worried about you. Want to talk?

Not really. Not about the media and the pictures that were taken of them. But she did want to see him; Tessa realized that she missed him already.

Want to come over for dinner? I’m making spaghetti.

His response came a mere second later. Yes. Anything I can bring?

Tessa texted back no and sent him her address and apartment number. Then he was on his way, and she looked around her apartment and panicked.

It wasn’t dirty or messy, necessarily, but this was the first time Niall had ever come over. She had dishes in the sink, and the floor needed a quick sweep. She set about completing her chores quickly, all while the water for the noodles boiled and the sauce came together, and then she wiped down her kitchen table and the coffee table in the connected living room.

Oh God, what was she going to wear?

All too soon, a knock sounded from the door. Tessa glanced down at the yoga pants and thin sweatshirt she was wearing, and then shrugged. This was what it was, then.

She padded quickly to the door and opened it, smiling just because she knew who would be standing behind it.

Niall was dressed in a similar attire; he was wearing gray sweatpants and a comfy-looking blue t-shirt. He hadn’t shaved. A light coating of stubble decorated his jaw. He tugged at his shirt almost self-consciously. “Hope ya don’t mind my clothes…”

“Oh, pfft.” She waved his comment off. “Look at me. I work at home. We wear what we want in this household.” And with that, she gestured him inside. “So, this is the place where I live. Welcome. I’m still cooking the spaghetti.”

His eyes rested on each piece of the apartment that he could see from where he was standing. The kitchen, next to a large floor-to-wall window. The small wooden dining table, a few feet away from the kitchen, and the living room with its blue sofa and TV a few feet back. Her bedroom door was closed, and right beyond the kitchen with a bathroom connected. The second bedroom was on the other side, by the living room.

“I like your apartment,” Niall stated, and she could tell that he wasn’t lying or just saying it because it was the polite thing to say – there was a genuine warmth to his tone, and his eyes lit up when they landed on a tiny stone turtle knickknack that was on the kitchen counter. “You like sea turtles?”

“Love them,” she replied as she headed back towards the kitchen, giving the cooking noodles a stir. She added some parmesan cheese to the sauce and stirred it, then gave it a quick taste. She had already put some sugar in to cut the acidity of the tomatoes, but she had forgotten salt in her rush to clean. Tessa fixed that quickly before turning to look at Niall, who was watching her intently. “They’re my favorite animal. What’s yours?”

Niall looked a little nonplussed. “No one has asked me that in years.”

Tessa frowned. “Well, I think having a favorite animal says a lot about a person. See, my all-time favorite is the sea turtle, but I also really love meerkats. And sharks.”

He blinked, before coming closer and peering into the spaghetti sauce like it would have an answer for him. “Um…huh. I think giraffes are really cool. I kind of forgot that I liked them so much, actually. Especially when I was younger.”

Tessa nodded sagely, before grabbing a clean spoon and dipping it into the sauce. “Good choice. Want a taste? Be careful, it’s hot.”

Niall took the spoon and tentatively tasted the sauce, and his eyes widened. “Holy shit, Tess,” he chuckled as he shook his head, “this is good. Quite possibly the best red sauce I’ve ever had.”

She beamed at him. “Thank you. I love cooking, so I try to make the best food that I can.”

“I like cooking too. Is there anything I can help with?”

Tessa thought for a moment. She knew this wasn’t really why Niall had agreed to come over for dinner – it was obviously about the pictures and media attention – but this was a nice detour from that situation. “You can slice up that bread over there and make garlic bread, if you want.”

He smiled. “Cutting board?” he asked, gesturing to the cupboards. She grabbed one for him and handed him a knife, while he rummaged around in her fridge to find the butter and garlic. They worked separately on their tasks, but together. Tessa put her oven on to preheat, and Niall chopped garlic and melted butter before combining the two. It was nice. There was a comfortable silence between them.

Once the garlic bread was in the oven, Niall leaned against the counter and gazed cautiously at her. “Are you okay?”

She knew what he was asking. Self-consciously, she stirred the bubbling sauce, avoiding looking at him. She needed to get the noodles out of the boiling water, but it could wait just a little longer. “It was…a shock. I’ve never dealt with something quite this big, you know?”

He nodded, folding his arms across his chest. “It gets easier, the more ya deal with it. I just don’t comment on my relationships.”

“I haven’t been in one since my YouTube career started, so it’s never been a problem before,” she admitted before looking over at him. “But we’re not in one. So, it’s okay. We just won’t say anything…right?”

There was an odd silence, filled with a sort of half-tension. Niall swallowed harshly, and she saw his throat bob with the movement. Something inside of her was aching, just waiting for his response.

“Right. Won’t be a problem. Everyone’ll forget about it with the next scandal. We just have to wait it out.”

That ache plummeted inside of her, leaving Tessa feeling a little empty. He didn’t like her after all. If he did, he would have said something…right?

She forced a bright smile in his direction before grabbing the pot of boiling noodles and moving over towards the sink. She poured it into the colander, leaning back to avoid the steam, and let the heat and strain of staying still cleanse her mind. She shook the colander, trying to get rid of as much water as possible. When she turned back to face him, she was over it, as much as she could be over it.

“Spaghetti’s done.” She smiled, and Niall hummed softly in response, pulling open the oven to check the bread. When he said it needed just a minute more, she nodded and grabbed two plates, setting up the counter buffet-style.

She was fine. She was Tessa Love Jenkins, dammit, and she could handle an unintentional rejection. She compartmentalized it and shoved it in the back of her brain, making herself be ‘more fine’ than ever. The area of her brain containing her feelings for Niall was pushed wayback.

Niall plated himself some spaghetti, and when he was out of the way, Tessa pulled the garlic bread out of the oven and set it on the stove beside the spaghetti. With a flick of her wrist, she turned the oven off, and then began to serve herself. They sat down across from each other at the table. She took a deep breath, exhaled, and began to eat.

“Holy fuck,” Niall grumbled after chewing, “this is fuckin’ delicious, Tess. Damn.”

She grinned, unable to help being pleased. “Yeah?” She took a bite herself and then nodded enthusiastically. “It’s good!”

“Just good? It’s fuckin’ fantastic! Give yourself some more credit, love.”

They ate quickly, not because they were in a hurry, but mostly because it was that good. When they were finished, Tessa put the leftovers away and waved off Niall’s offer to help clean up. She would do it later.

“Want to watch something?” she asked as she sat down on the couch, remote in hand. She turned her TV on and pulled up Netflix before reaching down and grabbing a blanket from underneath the coffee table. It was chilly outside, and she wanted a bit of warmth and comfort, especially considering the day she’d had.

Niall sat down at the opposite end of the couch, which, ouch, definitely hurt a little, but then she threw the other end of her blanket over his feet and tucked that piece of information away to analyze later. He grinned at her and pulled his side of the blanket more fully over his lap.

“Absolutely, unless it’s a murder documentary. You mentioned you liked those. Whatcha got on?”

“No murder documentaries, this time.” Tessa side-eyed him. This next question could prove to break their friendship. “Would you be okay with Blue Planet?”

He dipped his chin, nice as ever. “’Course. I’ve never seen it.”

She gaped at him. “But it’s David Attenborough! Blue Planet II is what made Queen Elizabeth declare a war on plastic!”

Niall chuckled, looking just slightly sheepish. “Well, remember, I may live in London sometimes but I’m Irish and constantly traveling.”

Tessa shook her head, speechless, and started the first episode, which was about all of the oceans and habitats in some way. The documentary was beautiful and breath-taking, and Attenborough’s voice narrated it wonderfully.

Niall scooted closer, slowly enough that at first, she didn’t notice he was moving at all. Next thing she knew, his knee was bumping against hers and the blanket had settled comfortably over both of their laps. She swallowed, nervousness rising for some reason; she fisted the blanket before forcing her hand to relax.

This was nice. This was good. She liked this. All Niall needed to do was stretch his arms over her shoulders, and everything would be perfect.

They watched in silence as Attenborough described the mating habits of a particular fish. “He attempts to make with her and any of the dozen or so females that live in his territory, whenever he gets the chance.”

Niall snorted. “What a player.”

She giggled, dipping her head in agreement, and when she peeked over at him, he was staring in fascination at the screen. His lips were parted slightly, eyes wide but intensely focused, drinking in every word spoken. When the episode was finished, he shook his head in amazement and turned to look at her. Their shoulders brushed.

“I think you’ve gotten me on to something new to do with my time, what little I have of it.”

Tessa smiled gently. “I’m glad. I care a lot about our oceans and our water life. In fact, when I do my first charity livestream, I’m raising money to give to ocean conservation. I still have to put everything together, like who I’ll be donating to and what I’ll be doing, but it’s something I would like to do this coming year.”

His eyes lit up with interest. “Sounds cool, Tess. Keep me posted, I’m interested.”

“I will. I haven’t made a lot of progress with figuring it all out, since it’s just me on my channel so far, and I spend a lot of my time making sure I have weekly videos. I have to come up with a concept, script it as much as I can, get whatever I need for filming, film it, and then edit.”

“You do a lot of work,” Niall mused, looking at her steadily. There was a flash of concern in his eyes, and it gave her pause.

“Yeah,�� she replied in an odd tone, “I do.”

It had gotten to the point where she rarely left her apartment, so consumed in filming and editing. By the time she was finished with something to a degree that she could be proud of, it was often late, and she was almost too tired to do anything. Tessa could recall going to bed without eating dinner more than a few times. “I guess…I’m something of a workaholic.”

“I get that.” Niall leaned back against the couch, gazing blankly at the coffee table in front of them. “When I get a song in my head…sometimes I can’t stop working on it until it’s as perfect as I can possibly make it. I’ll be asleep, and hear it in my head, and I’ll wake up, fingers twitching, needingto finish it.” He loosed a breath, shaking his head before running those fingers through his hair. “I love what I do, and I love creating music, but sometimes I can’t get out of my own head.”

Tessa understood that perfectly. Certain videos she had produced had been the result of hours upon hours of work, of 2am wakeups filled with the urge to do something, of rejections to go out with friends because she was worried that if she didn’t finish whatever she was working on soon, the concept in her mind would burn out and take the whole project with it.

“It sounds like you and I need to relax,” she told him because she didn’t know how else to process this, and Niall laughed a little breathlessly.

“I’ll relax when I’m dead,” he chortled, and she could tell he was only half-joking.

The thought she had yesterday came rushing back. “I don’t post a video or do any work the first week of the New Year as a way to reset and recharge. In fact, I go away every New Year’s Eve with my friends to a cabin in Big Sur Campground…would you like to come with us?”

Niall turned once more to face her, eyes calculating. She could see that he was weighing the pros and cons quickly in his mind, and she waited, breath baited.

“Fuck it. Yeah, I’ll come.”

“Great.” She exhaled, a wide smile breaking on to her lips. “We leave in two days.”

Niall grinned at her. “Awesome. I could use a good time.”

“Oh, it’ll be a great time. We basically just get drunk and eat junk food. It’s my favorite time of the year.” She paused, remembering the circumstances that had landed Niall on her couch in the first place. “It’s private, too. No one should bother us.”

Of course, no one should have bothered them last night either, but they always rented a cabin far away from all of the others, just so they could party and do as they saw fit.

He nodded. “Sounds good. I’m excited, Tess. Just text me what to bring.” He stretched slowly, loosening his muscles, and she didn’t pretend to not notice when his t-shirt rode up, exposing a thin sliver of his stomach. She didn’t pretend (to herself) that she didn’t want to see more. “I should get going. But I had a great time. You cook a fuckin’ delicious spaghetti.”

She smirked and led him to the door. Halfway out the door, after already saying goodbye, he pivoted and turned to face her. “Oh, and Tess? We probably shouldn’t be seen in public together for a little while…just to let things die down.”

Tessa blinked, before nodding her head in silent agreement. That funny feeling in her chest was back – like something was about to crack, but it wasn’t quite there yet. It hurt in an all-new way.

Niall smiled, waved, and then disappeared down the hallway of her apartment building.

She closed her door, mind whirling with every little thing Niall had said or done that evening – every note of disinterest, every smile or move that spoke of the opposite. She leaned against her door, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath in before slowly blowing it out.

What had she gotten herself into?

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[skoog150-blog]

The Story Of Femme Feitale by Katie Skoog

Pictured above is Jessica Wu.

Source: https://www.femmefeitale.com/about-1

     I went to high school with a wonderful, motivated, and compassionate individual named Jessica Wu.  She has inspired me since the day I met her.  We have been friends throughout all of high school, and still are!  Jessica motivates me for so many reasons, but the most significant reason is her involvement in activism and social movements.  I have seen Jessica do a lot of great things for our school and our community throughout the four years I have known her, therefore I chose to interview her about her various projects.

     Before I jump into the interview, I want to take a minute to promote Jessica’s blog, https://www.femmefeitale.com/.  She is such a talented writer, and blogs about many different topics, including high school and college, anecdotal advice, politics and culture, lifestyle, and fashion!  She pretty much covers everything that I personally find very interesting.  Definitely go check her out and subscribe, she has amazing content and will continue to produce more!  The layout of the website is also very aesthetically pleasing and super easy to use.  With that being said, enjoy learning more about Jess!

     Jessica is in her first year at Harvard University and is currently undecided, although she is thinking about majoring in economics or implied math.  Jessica’s first action or movement that she got involved with as an organizer/change-maker was when our high school organized the National School Walkout during our junior year.  The National School Walkout was a walkout to honor the victims of the Parkland shooting and raise awareness for gun violence, gun reform, and gun safety.  Jessica along with a couple of other students on the student council and students who simply wanted to participate, thoughtfully organized the Walkout together.  This then sparked Jessica’s interest in organizing social movements.

     I asked Jessica what she thinks her biggest successes have been in her work thus far.  She started this project at our school called Student Voices Week where every day after school for a week there would be a student, or students, discussing a certain topic featuring a guest speaker who is an expert on that topic.  It was a student-run event that allowed students to use their own voices, express their own opinions, and educate each other on things that are happening in the world around us.  Jessica would choose topics that were current and relevant at the moment.  For example, some of them were gun violence, mental health, the opioid crisis, immigration, global warming, and so on.  This event made the students aware of serious topics and encouraged them to use their own voices to make a change.  Another event of hers was her organization of the Sadie’s Hawkins dance.  She set up the dance, decorations, and had people buy tickets for entry.  All of the money went toward a non-profit organization called She’s The First.  This organization sponsors groups of girls across the world who are the first girls in their family on track to graduate high school.  Jessica voiced her support of equal educational opportunities through her choice of this organization.  She successfully raised a lot of money for this cause because the event engaged so many students and was a lot of fun!  

     Along with many of Jessica’s successes, she has faced some disappointments and challenges along the way.  I asked her what specifically has hindered her work and she said the lack of apathy that exists is a huge issue when it comes to change-making.  Jessica also said people who are disillusioned or feel as if they do not have time to care about politics are significant negative effects in making a social movement more effective.  She also said it is hard for people who live in a privileged space to gain interest in these movements, and how they may view the work being done as fruitless.

     I asked Jessica if she is currently working on any projects and if she is collaborating with anyone on them.  She said she is apart of a club on campus called Democracy Matters.  They are currently tabling in the dining hall to recruit people for the club.  Their main goals are to find a large partisan group to elect, get ranked choice voting on ballots for Massachusetts, and create a nonelectoral partisan reform.  They are trying to get the students around them involved with politics and voting so they can use their voices to make a change in their community.

     Jessica’s advice to anyone who is starting out with organizing and does not  have any relevant experience in it is the following three tips:

It is okay to follow the movement first and see what other people are doing, get familiar with the space.

Learn about the issues and understand the foundations.  It is important to have introspection and think about why you care about certain issues. 

      3. Stick to your passions and be unafraid to go for it.

     I asked Jessica how social media affects her work.  She said it is definitely a very convenient way to spread the word about events, campaigns, or protests.  She used her blog, Femme Feitale, as an example.  She said it is her own space where she can formulate her own opinions and put them out there for the world to see.  It is also a way to incorporate her own creativity into her social media.  Jessica said that people think just reposting is enough, but it is not.  The people need to add their own input into each individual message, because then it just diminishes the value of each message.  Her last point was that there are also negative effects of social media.  She mentioned Twitter specifically and said how it is so easy to get caught up in an echo chamber and fake news.

     Jessica uses social media a lot when it comes to her change-making.  She said it is definitely a significant portion of her work and it is all very closely connected.  Jessica said it is convenient because you can get the word out so people can know about your specific event or message.  Another use for social media for Jessica is recruiting people through it to get them to come to meetings.  This way everyone can show up who wants to be involved in a movement or organization and find out about it in a quick and easy way.

     I asked Jessica what her most used social media platforms are for her change-making.  She said Instagram is definitely number one, and is best for targeting younger people.  Then she said she uses Facebook for targeting older audiences, and Snapchat for more specific audiences.  It is important to keep in mind what age group uses which social media platform, this way you can effectively target your target audience and get as much interaction as possible.

     I wondered how Jessica’s use of social media differs from her professional and personal use.  She said for her, it depends.  If she is being super political, she will post on her blog.  Although there are some things that she is willing to say that is her opinion no matter what and she will stick to it no matter what.  She personally has not been involved in anything “too official” but she did run the Instagram and Facebook for the Young Democrats of Cornwall (our hometown).

     I asked Jessica where or who she turns to for information, inspiration, and connection.  Her main driving force at the moment are her friends at Harvard.  They are constantly motivating and inspiring her to do greater things.  Her one friend Sabrina founded Hudson Valley Stands Up, which is a group of students who protest for gun reform in the Hudson Valley (which is in New York).  So ultimately, she finds her inspiration and motivation within her peers.  She said there is a lot of it to go around at Harvard.

     I wondered if Jessica’s work has really affected or influenced other areas of her life.  And the answer is: yes!  In high school when she had goals in mind, it was a broader goal of her understanding of inequality in the world.  The amount of educational inequality was very eye-opening for her.  She wondered why girls are less represented in STEM fields and why there is an educational gap between different races and income levels.  Although for her, her first semester at Harvard is more about stepping back, learning more, and understanding where her skills can create change.  She wants to focus on being a researcher, not necessarily an organizer.  She really wants to understand educational inequality so she can try her best to make positive changes within that area.

     The event that Jessica organized which made her realize she loves being a change-maker was “definitely” Sadie’s Hawkins.  She loved organizing an actual event for a cause.  Her favorite part was organizing the actual event and seeing it turn out the way it did.  She also loved seeing others who attended the event get excited to be there.  It made her feel as if all of her hard work paid off.

     Lastly, I asked Jessica about her blog, Femme Feitale.  I asked her what the main purpose of her blog is.  Jessica said the first main purpose is her use of it as a personal outlet to express her own interests.  It is really important for her personally to organize her thoughts and think about issues she normally would not think about that affect her everyday life.  She said if she does not write about them, then to her, it is simply a passing thought.  Therefore she writes these posts for introspective.  Jessica wants to promote it, and she said if people want to read it, “then that’s cool too.”

     Overall, Jessica Wu has done a lot for our school and community back in Cornwall, and she will continue to do outstanding things for and at Harvard.  I personally cannot wait to see what she comes up with (no pressure of course, Jess!).  People like Jessica are the people that are transforming our world for the better, whether that be through large or small gestures or actions.  Everything counts.  Please make sure to check out Jessica’s blog!  I will link her blog along with other resources down below.

Links/Resources:

Jessica’s blog: https://www.femmefeitale.com/about-1

Jessica’s Instagram for her blog: https://www.instagram.com/femmefeitale/

How To Become A Change-Maker: https://www.techstars.com/content/community/7-keys-become-changemaker/

[cinenthusiast]

WARNING: The following contains heavy semantics. This is the equivalent of letterboxd users breaking down their dumb rating systems. OK, not as bad, but still! You have been warned!

I’m starting a new (and final) iteration of something I’ve done my whole life. A single list of my 50 Favorite Actors, covering the full scope of era and gender. I’ll make a new one from scratch each year as a kind of record. 50 doesn’t leave too much room for sudden or drastic evolution, but the long game is what I’m playing at.

All of my old lists (of any kind) used to be ranked. Frankly, fuck that. I’m all for ranking within narrow frameworks (Top Ten By Year, etc) but general lists like favorite actors and movies? Why do it? Numbers make the whole thing an arbitrary assessment, isolating the actors and films into a misguided hierarchy that doesn’t add any insight or clarity. Lists and rankings are such an oversaturated aspect of culture content as it is, and I’d like to avoid this feeling like just another ranking. The collective group is the thing, the totality of taste, interest, and meaning. Keeping this a singular entity (with one or two caveats) preserves this as a personal journal entry of sorts, a snapshot and not the end-all be-all. It’s a way of capturing my taste in film and the people in it. I’ve put a star next to my ten favorites, and I’ve got a separate long list of people I considered but ultimately didn’t add, and that’s the extent of it.

Growing up, I made favorite actor lists obsessively. When I was around six or seven I would play ‘School’. I was the teacher. My students? The likes of Tony Danza, Christopher Lloyd, Danny DeVito, and John Travolta. I had pages and pages of any actor whose name I knew (the entire casts of Angels in the Outfield and Addams Family Values were represented). I took very careful attendance to make sure everyone was present, calling out each name and imagining that yes, they were there. Each actor received a little check in their row of squares (I made sure I had the checkered graph paper to keep everything orderly and precise).

age 11

all of these were made at age 11

Then there were the dark days, the days when tween Katie made lists like Top Ten ‘Cutie-Patootie’ Actors (a reference to the Rosie O’Donnell Show, yes, the Rosie O’Donnell Show, seen above). As you can see, the kid from Dennis the Menace topped that one. I also had my constantly revised Top Ten Favorite Actors & Actresses. Five actors from the lists pictured above are also on this current one: Nicole Kidman, Jim Carrey, Winona Ryder, John Travolta, and Michelle Pfeiffer. They were major icons for me then, and they remain so now, 20 years after the fact. They are forever favorites.

the four quadrants, from 2006 (age 18)

What followed were continuously updated versions of this, covering half my lifetime: Top Blank (at varying points it was 20, 30, and 50) Modern Actors, Modern Actresses, Classic Actors, and Classic Actresses (‘Classic’ accounted for the Hollywood studio era). They were always divided into those four quadrants. I can timestamp the years by who was on them. Simon Pegg at the top? Must be 2008. Katee Sackhoff near the top? I must have been watching “Battlestar Galactica” then. You can find the 2012 versions on this site: here and here.

These categories created considerable grey area, swaths of actors that never really fit comfortably in their group. Those who either featured in films from both eras (Jack Lemmon) or were technically of the ‘Modern’ era but with careers that didn’t really transition into the current (Faye Dunaway). And those ‘Modern’ lists were always much more about the now. I never made room for these actors who qualified as ‘Modern’ but who could be pinpointed to the past. I wanted to feature the up-and-coming, people whose careers I was excited about now! Filmographies I could follow along with as they progressed.

This factor, which meant so much to me then, means nothing re: this new list. For one, I don’t follow current stuff to the degree I used to. 21st century film is less interesting to me (current TV far less so). But I’m really fond of a lot of actors working today, from relative newcomers to tried-and-true character actors to cemented A-listers. The group there was no room for, not by a long shot, were the relative newcomers. I’m an easy lay when it comes to loving actors. But with over a century of performers to choose from, it doesn’t leave much room for the young “oooh I love him/her/them, I can’t wait to see what they do next” ones.

But for the record, the fresher (2010 to present) faces that I’m most invested in are Adam Driver, Elizabeth Debicki, Tom Hardy, Lakeith Stanfield, Kristen Stewart, Jesse Plemons, Nicholas Hoult, and Jonah Hill (whose career trajectory I’m endlessly intrigued by, a man funnier than most of his peers, with the unstable depths of a Chris Penn, whose hyper-sensitivity about being taken seriously and joining the ranks of the prestigious show up on the screen).

The old lists, especially the 50-each ones that totaled to 200 actors, were actually more challenging than this list. Because with so much room, you’re fooled into thinking everyone can be represented. But they can’t; even those lists fill up quick. And now, with just 50 total, it gets down to essentials. There are the favorites, and then the ones who matter most. Oh, I love them? Cool, next! Oh, I love them a lot? Cool, next! Omgtheyaresoamazing? Cool. Next!

There are so many actors whose performances I consistently love or enjoy, that I always look forward to seeing and am often moved by. But there’s a difference between actors who frequently deliver great work, and actors who make something inherently more just by being there, that make me sit up in my seat because what they give either draws out extra engagement from me or they are so distinctive a presence that the fabric of the film/show is thereby altered. But none of this exists without the secret ingredient: that chemical thing that just draws you to one person’s talent and onscreen life more than another.

The factors are endless. Above is my next tier of favorites, the ones that I didn’t go with but thought about and in some cases agonized (yes, agonized) over whether to include or not.

What do you do when a specific stretch of someone’s work means more to you than most people’s entire careers? Most don’t make it (Patty Duke, Diane Lane, Juliette Lewis, Marlon Brando, etc) But a few do: pre-Dick Tracy Warren Beatty, Eric Roberts in the 1980’s, and Sandy Dennis in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s.

What do you do with the actors who are still alive but not working regularly, at all, or at the same caliber they used to? Most don’t make it (Nancy Allen, Tim Curry, Kathleen Turner, Fairuza Balk, Sheryl Lee, etc). But a few do: Jim Carrey, Shelley Duvall, Theresa Russell (a spot that could have been occupied by many that mean just as much to me, but I went with Theresa this time because it felt right), Eric Roberts, and John Travolta.

What do you do with the actors who mean a lot to you but whose careers were so brief that it’s hard to justify adding them over others? Unfortunately, almost all of those actors didn’t make it (Linda Manz, Paula Sheppard, Laird Cregar, Zoe Lund, James Dean, Pamela Franklin, etc). One does: Louise Brooks.

What do you do about the actors you love watching more than most but whose work you aren’t familiar enough with yet? None of them make it (Natasha Lyonne, Yaphet Kotto, Silvana Mangano, Helmut Berger, Dagmar Lassander, Tuesday Weld, etc). There are plenty of films from the 50 I’ve yet to see, but I’ve at least seen enough.

Then there are all the others, the really tough ones. I think about James Gandolfini more and more as the years go by. Harvey Keitel’s performances resonate a lot more as I get older (those defiant eyes, I can often feel him). I can’t believe I didn’t make room for Christina Ricci. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the defining comedienne of my lifetime. There is only one Carol Kane, Donald Sutherland, Nicolas Cage, Joan Cusack, Parker Posey, Lily Tomlin, Crispin Glover. I get distinct pleasures from watching each of them. Some of my favorite immortals are Marlene Dietrich, Alain Delon, Judy Garland, Bette Davis, Buster Keaton, Cate Blanchett. I’m pretty sure I talk about Jude Law all the time. I will, and have, watched Jean-Claude Van Damme in anything I can find. In recent months I’ve rewatched a lot of key Samuel L. Jackson performances (Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction, Black Snake Moan, Django Unchained), and was newly reminded that he is one of our most compelling living actors. His pervasive and phoned-in presence in every imaginable franchise had led me to forget that. I’ve been hooked on Gene Wilder, Charles Laughton, Eva Green, Cillian Murphy, and still am. It goes on and on and on.

But this is the challenge of it, and the fun of it. My 50 favorites capture my fascination with stardom and long-range careers with eras & reinventions (ex. Crawford, Cruise, Fonda, Monroe, DiCaprio, Farrell, Taylor), physicality (ex. Chan, Ball, Phoenix, Reeves, Olyphant) & commanding physical presence (ex. Reed, Kidman, De Niro, Mitchum), blue moon charisma (ex. Pfeiffer, Russell, Walbrook, Cagney, Reed, Nicholson), the ones I feel a deep connection to (all of them but especially Carrey, Brooks, & Hoffman) & offbeat god-tier character actors (Dennis, Dourif, Roberts, Black, Duvall) I would take a bullet for.

I start to realize some of the people that aren’t even on this second list: Tilda Swinton, Kate Winslet, Robin Williams, Ingrid Bergman, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, Gloria Grahame, Katharine Hepburn, Michael Shannon, Al Pacino, Meryl Streep, Jeanne Moreau, Saorsie Ronan, Brad Pitt, Gena Rowlands, Dirk Bogarde, James Mason, Jeff Bridges, Ethan Hawke, Jeff Goldblum, Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, Catherine O’Hara, Catherine Deneuve, Juliette Binoche, Charlize Theron, Robert Redford, Julie Christie, Michael C. Hall, Michael Caine, Malcolm McDowell, John Hurt, Paul Newman, Anjelica Huston, Sigourney Weaver (every time I watch her in something I think about how much I love her. Her work in Alien 3 means a lot to me), Elliot Gould, etc etc etc. Hell, Peter Mullan is the only person on either list who appears in any Harry Potter film, and that franchise employed basically every British actor you can think of. Most of these actors have been on other lists in the past. Some you’d always be guaranteed to find there (Binoche, Deneuve, etc). As I type this I am realize I forgot Michael Stuhlbarg and John Hawkes in that second group. At the end of the day it just becomes about knowing who there was never any question about, and going with your gut on the rest.

But these 50 (ok, 52, I cheated, the truth is out!), the ones I ultimately chose, are the actors whose work collectively means more than the rest, my ultimate favorites: the ones I can lose myself in, and then find myself in. Who are yours?

1st Annual 50 Favorite Actors list WARNING: The following contains heavy semantics. This is the equivalent of letterboxd users breaking down their dumb rating systems.

[nbhd-daily]

Jesse Rutherford’s Blonde Ambition

After seeing success as the lead singer of standout band The Neighbourhood, the 26-year-old So-Cal native decided it was time to try things on his own. &, Rutherford's first solo album, perfectly embodies the personality of the man who was born to be blonde. It's funny, poppy, loose yet precise, and more than anything, honest.

office met with Rutherford at his hotel in New York City a day before his flight back to California to perform in front of a sold out crowd alongside the band that helped him find his voice. Rutherford was open and reflective. He's as transparent as you'd hope any musician would be. He knows the key to success as a musician is being your best and most honest self at all times, all while making great music.

Interview by Khufu Najee

Photos by Mitchell Connell

I want to start off by saying I love the album.

Thank you.

I was in LA with my girlfriend when I first heard it and on that same morning, I actually dyed my hair blonde.

Yo (laughs). That’s sick.

True story.

So cool. It looks great, by the way.

Thank you, man. But that leads me to my first question. "Born To Be Blonde." What was the inspiration for that song? I know you were very specific about starting the album with that song. What went into that thought process?

The general statement just kinda means be whoever you wanna be. It’s just kind of a twist on how to say that or my particular way of saying it. I felt like it was a chance for me to be as stupid and as smart as I am — or as I think I might be — all in one go. I don’t know. It just kind of happened. It was a poem. It was a poem that I wrote while The Neighbourhood was recording our Wiped Out album. It was just a poem. I wrote it one day and or one night. I don’t even remember. I just know it was during that process cause I was blonde at that point and I was really psyched about it. It was just the way it made me feel I guess. Wrote it down. Maybe 75% of it came from that initial poem. The last 25% — the bridge and shit — was written in the studio as I was recording it. But I tried doing it a couple times. It was going to be a Neighbourhood song a long time ago. Nothing ever happened to it.

It’s very interesting how often I hear a good portion of songs that we hear on someone’s new album are actually old.

Yep. And that comes with age and with time. It’s crazy you say that cause I’ve thought about that a lot recently too and it’s given me a new hope with writing music because I probably have hundreds of songs that are not released and now I know sometimes I can go back in the fucking Rolodex. Oh okay. Wrote it in 2013. It’s 2018. Now they're ready for it. That’s how it goes sometimes.

You have to be ready to let it go.

You have to be on time. You can’t be early in this game. That doesn’t get you anywhere. At least from my experience. I feel like there have been moments where I’ve been like well I did that first and then something else happens and someone else does it. And maybe they did it at a better time. Maybe they had it more refined. Maybe it was better than the version I had. Or the type of song. Or the type of sound. Sometimes you gotta wait for the right time.

The 2014 mixtape with the band. Two features I want to ask about. You had Gerald and Kossisko. Two really good friends of mine.

Oh, you grew up in the bay?

Yeah, man.

Dope.

So, I’m curious. How did the Bay Area connection come about?

(Laughs).

It's always a good answer when they laugh before answering.

Well, Kossisko, 100s at the time, that was through our friend Matthew. Kirk, who has a label now, runs it with Matthew’s partner label.

What’s the label?

Bad Habits.

Okay.

And Matthew, he’s like my LA homie. He’s like my first LA friend. When I was like 19 trying to rap and putting my shit on the internet, he was the first dude from the city — cause I’m from the suburbs outside the city — he was like the first dude from the city to be like, yo, you’re tight, come hang out with me and my friends. And those friends ended up being 4e, who helped me produce the mixtape and then helping The Neighbourhood do our Wiped Out album. It was a long process. That was, you know, six or seven years ago. It was a while ago. I met Kossisko through him.

He’s a good dude, man.

Yeah, dude. He’s smooth too.

Staying on collaborations, on that same mixtape, you had Danny Seth. And I noticed on this new album, you had MD$, both of whom are big on the music scene in London. How did that connection come about?

Danny was also through Matthew.

Of course he was. Danny lived in LA for a bit, yeah?

Yeah, and Matthew was fucking with him for a minute. I could give you Matthew's number if you want (laughs). He’s in with everyone.

Collabs are important. How did you go about choosing who to work with on this album?

Well, I met Dylan Brady, who produced the majority of the project. I think I was playing a show and Kirk came out. Kirk met with Dylan. I think we were in St. Louis, where Dylan is from and he just walked in and I saw him. I know this may sound very surface but I basically just judged a book by the cover. Like, clothing and how you present yourself, matters. Dylan walked in and he just had this steez that I’d never seen before and I was like there’s something about this guy. Then I ended up hearing his music and it was so ambitious and unique and at the time I was trying to figure out how to find my own lane and find my own sound and do my solo thing. So we got in the studio together, we had a week in Paramount in LA, five days, and we ended up doing seven songs, and about four or five ended up on the record. It was a solid week for sure. He’s a great producer. He can really do anything. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever seen before. He’s a fucking machine, dude. He’s nonstop. Dylan kinda kicked it off. We started with this sound. I worked with Daytrip a couple times before when they were back in LA and we did a couple records but nothing that was my favorite. They were amazing doing what they do but I wasn’t pleased with what I was doing on the songs.

The mind of a perfectionist, man.

Right? But then they randomly sent me a 30-pack and I was like this is fun. So I went through them, picked ten that I liked, recorded on about four or five really quickly and two of them ended up being on the album. MD$, that was just another random session when they were in LA.

MD$ is fire, dude. That’s good music.

They make really good music.

London, for the most part, is known for Grime Rap. When you think rap in London, you think grime. But what they do isn’t grime. It’s so dope and so different.

Very musical.

Very musical. Absolutely. I really want to meet the dude.

He’s a mystery. You never saw him?

No.

He’s cool. He has a swag to him for sure.

How old were you when you decided on music?

I started playing drums when I was in the eighth grade. High school came around and I met this guy who became my buddy. I grew up in a suburb where it’s like hard core punk kinda shit and I just wanted to be a part of that. But my balls took forever to drop and finally when they did I started singing. Voice is still pretty high so they only dropped so far (laughs). But I would say around 17 is when I took it seriously.

And around that age is when you knew this was what you were going to do with your life?

Yeah. Especially once I stopped doing hard core and started making really bad pop rap. I had to start somewhere though (laughs). I’ve never really thought twice about thinking twice. This is all I’ve ever done. And luckily it’s worked. It’s always felt so good. It’s the only thing I’ve ever felt natural at. I’m not that great at video games. I’m not that great at fucking school, all the cliche shit that everybody says.

Knowing what you know now, what would you tell that younger self?

Don’t get those tattoos on your right arm (laughs). Save that real estate because you’re going to want some other shit some day. Maybe don’t get any of the tattoos so early. But 17 year old me, looking at 26 year old me, with like neck tattoos and shit, would be like "yo this guy is so sick what the fuck.” I know that really surface level but I think the boxes you in. If I’m in the whitely tatted lane, then okay. I did it to myself. Other than that, just keep doing what you’re doing. It’s working.

Are you familiar with the word synesthesia?

No.

It’s basically a condition, although I don’t know why they call it that cause it almost gives it a bad connotation. But, Lorde has it, Frank Ocean, few other artists. Basically, you can taste, smell, see colors, in ways other people can’t. It’s amazing.

Me and my team talk about that all time time. We try to relate things to colors when it comes to Neighbourhood music and my own music. We try and connect songs to seasons. Some songs always seem to fit with certain seasons. Day or night. That’s a big one.

Very true. I have music I only listen to at night time. Or when the sun isn’t shining.

That’s the struggle of being asked to play a festival, when you make night music, but they give you the noon slot. How do you like the sun, yo? Yeah, this dark ass song is going to sound great while this bright ass sun is turning my pasty skin bright red.

What color would you say your music is?

I feel like I have to just say rainbow because it has to be the opposite of rainbow because The Neighbourhood has always done the black and white thing. But I don’t know. I really do like yellow. I think yellow is a really cool color. And it doesn’t even have to be bright yellow. Just a nice warm yellow that kinda has some warmth to it.

I’m not going to ask you who your musical inspirations are cause I think that shit is corny as fuck but I am curious where do you draw inspiration from? Are you the kind of dude who has a movie playing on silent in the studio at all times?

No. I’m terrible at watching movies. I need to start watching more. I just started on Apocalypse Now.

Started. Didn’t finish?

Not yet. I’m about half-way through. It's a slow process for me. But inspiration… It’s funny cause I do like Spongebob (laughs) but I feel like a sponge. I just absorb a lot of shit around me. Sometimes I can’t even pinpoint it. It’s just like shit that’s coming at me. Between the different styles and sounds of music that I like and what’s fucking constantly stewing in my head. I just feel like I can do all these different types of music, so I need to do it. And sometimes I fail. And sometimes I think, from what I’ve seen from the internet and from what fans tell me, I think I nail it sometimes. With this project especially, the title alone, just using &. Calling it that left it open to anything. Cause you can’t just have that and nothing else. There has to be something before and something after and you know that. So that alone it’s just like, I’m a sucker for that kind of shit. I just love hooks. I want everything to be a hook. A photo, to a fucking pair of shoes, the title of something, hooks only. I did a book two years ago I called that. It’s a collection of photos I took with my friend, ended up turning it into a book. I’ve always called that book the Bible of Jesse. In that book, there’s no words. All pictures. Just me wearing a whole bunch of shit. It’s all over the place. But that’s how I felt. That’s who I am. I think a lot of people are like that. Especially young people. With the internet how are you just gonna be one thing in this shit?

You have to do everything. It’s the norm now.

You have to. Remember when Drake came out. And he was singing and rapping? People were confused. But now? You can’t not do that (laughs). It’s all that. Which is great. It’s fucking incredible. I feel like now more than ever music is ready for me. You know what I mean? And I’m ready for it. I don’t feel old, I just feel grown enough to just be like, oh yeah I can do all this shit. I’ve been doing this shit for years. It’s just about catching the right moment and knowing what to do. Last time I caught the moment I didn’t know how to hold onto it. I never know how it’s gonna work anymore. I never know what song is going to work. You said you love Barbie and Ken. I was terrified to put the song out because it’s so, so opposite to the character of Jesse Rutherford from The Neighbourhood is known for.

Well, that’s what a solo project should do, innit? Show that other side?

I think so. I hope so.

[crvsaded-aa-blog]

Hey everyone!! The loves of my lives!! I’m actually lying it hasn’t been 1 year yet, it’s been 11 months! But I always liked the number 11 so I’m posting this in advanced. I’ll try to keep it as short as I can. But first and for most I’m so glad I came back to RP when I did in June even though sometimes I get sad and upset, I love’d every moment and memory I’ve made. I want to thank every single person who’s talked to me, who’s rped with me, and who’s become my friend. Every single on of you is precious to me and I am so thankful to have all of you to write with. I’m hoping to be around for a long time and I hope that I get to write with more and more of you! 

people i love want and to talk to more *and some of you have been following me since my original blog lol* !

❀ @astrahearted​ ❀ @aniimvs​ ❀ @iiraeth​ ❀ @bcnnenuit​ ❀ @gcldenhearts​ ❀ @fxrgottcn​ ❀ @phantcmwise​ ❀ @nvpch​ ❀ @minugahanax​ ❀ @wistfulreality​ ❀ @complction​ ❀ @stardustkiisses​ ❀ @yuseongu​ ❀ @galaxiiies​ ❀ @hcruharu​ ❀ @xaconite ❀ @ambitiousxmonsoon ❀ @busanbunnie ❀ @laviteae ❀ @minugahanax ❀

loves of my lives & special thank yous <3

❀ && @brckndreams ** Mar first of all I have to say you are the love of my life, the best thing ever, and I’m so fucking glad I met you almost a year ago. It was so funny because I was so scared to know you and to talk to you. You always seemed so far away and out of reach but somehow we connected and we meshed together so well. I can say that if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have stayed in the RPC and I’m so glad and grateful and blessed that we’re friends. I know things have been rough and rocky for you, and I know you’re always really busy and uninspired. Or you can’t bring yourself to want to stick around but just like you kept me here and writing a year ago, I hope I can help you come back out of your shell. I’m always so proud of you and I’m always so excited for the things you do, and the things we’ve done together. I hope that you feel better soon the love of my life, and I hope that you will be happy. No matter what, I’m here for you every single step of the way. 

❀ && @lavienrcse ** Natty it’s funny because there are so many things I can say here. You’ve been so many things to be for nearly a full year. You’ve followed me around for nearly a full year too. I’m really grateful to you all the time, literally all the time. You’ve become my best friend, my wife, my rp partner. I know we have habits of fighting, and I know I’m not always the best person to talk to but i’m so glad I’ve had you. You were literally my first follower and I’m so glad that in your sea of friends you chose to get close to me. I’m so glad that we get closer every day. I love you so much sometimes I don’t know what to say or do to explain it. I feel constantly thankful and grateful that you’re in my life and I’m also very sorry for the times I haven’t been the best to you. I love you, and I can’t wait to get to know you more in the coming years.

❀ && @supernovce / @cataclvsmal ** Angel oh my Angel cakes! My girlfriend! It’s really funny I still remember the very first time I heard of you, and it was Natty telling me that you were making a Goblin to our Sunny/Reaper. Then I followed you on my main blog (ironically it was an accident) and I was like, okay this is what we’re doing now. Natty was the one who told me to talk to you and to be honest I’m so grateful I did. Being able to talk to you every single day is like a blessing. I love every single thing we’ve created together, writing with you is one of my most favorite privileges. I’m so glad that we became friends and I’m glad that we get closer every single day. I love you so much, and honestly, you keep me constantly inspired and excited. You’re my muse as well as my girlfriend and I will love you forever and always.

❀ && @astrakissed​ / @moonbonded​ ** Autumn. My sub. My subway sandwich. Man if there is a person I can go off about on how much I love them it really is you. When we met I was kind of scared of bothering you so I kinda watched on the sidelines and let Hajoon mess with Jesse because it was really funny. But then we started talking and you wanted to ship with me and it just lead to us talking more and more. We both met at bad times in our lives, when we both were going through something. And every single day you’ve helped me feel so much stronger and confident and happy, and I hope that I extended the same curtsey to you. Talking to you is one of my favorite parts of the day, and I love it so much. Writing with you, just freaking out about anything. I love you so much that my heart hurts with how much I love you sometimes. I’m so grateful to have you, I really really am. It’s so much fun being able to watch things with you and attack each other. I hope that we continue being really great friends.

❀ && @wukke ** Nate man oh man, Nate. When I first followed you it was on Yori before you made your multimuse and it’s funny because I remember not really caring too much. But then Liz told me that you were her boyfriend and I started paying more attention. We started talking after that and you offered me Jae and I was like heck yeah you can have Ryan. And every day I’m so glad and grateful that we ended up talking and shipping. You are my son! The light of my life! It’s always so much fun creating and writing with you, I love how much you care about me and my muses. I’m so glad that we’re friends and I’m so glad we got as close as we did. I’m so glad that you feel comfortable coming to me and always being there when I need someone to listen. Writing with you is so much fun, and I’m so glad we took a chance on each other.

❀ && @wouri ** Liz. Oh Liz. Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy. You drive me insane and we don’t talk nearly as much as we should. I miss you a lot, as much as Ryan misses Luke. You’re the one friend that I’ve had on tumblr since I made Hyun Ki in 2014 and somehow it never feels weird or awkward no matter how long I go without talking to you. You’re always such a pleasure, always with so much positive energy. I’m really glad that every time I talked to you, you were willing to listen and I’m so glad that I had you to lead me to following some of the people I still rp with today. You’ve helped me by hooking me up with so many of my friend lol. I really hope you come back soon and rp with me DAMMIT. wtf liz. 

❀ && @stckhlmr / @fateshaped ** Aven. Oh man, oh man. I’m pretty sure you’ve been following me as long as Mar and Natty have. We don’t write or interact as much as I want to because I really really do. I have always loved reading your writing so much? You’re such a talented and beautiful minded person that every day I’m in awe that you chose me, an actual trash potato, to be friends with. You’re such a great friend to have like honestly? Every time we talk I always leave feeling so much happier because you always know how to make me feel so confident about myself (when I’m talking to you about my problems lol). And I love that we always tend to share moods and reactions and it feels so nice to have a friend that I can always talk to even if we talk far apart and in between. I love you so very much, thank you for being my saltmate and my moodmate and I hope we keep being there for each other in the future. 

❀ && @fluera ** Jojo. I remember when I first followed you I wanted so badly to interact and be friends with you. I feel in love with Mae the moment I read about him, and honestly you’re such a beautiful and talented person. Your art is amazing, you’re so kind, and you’re honestly one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. You are so inclusive and wonderful and I’m so blessed to have your friendship. I know that I’m not always the easiest to talk to, and I know you’re always so busy, but every time you talk to me my heart goes !!! and whenever you send me an ask I’m also so !!!. I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve accomplished the last year I’ve known you. I’m so lucky to call you my friend. I love you so, so, so very much. I hope you continue to be so fucking amazing and never, ever doubt yourself. Even if it feels like no one wants you around, I will always want you. I love you. 

[rewolfaekilerom]

ginny & georgia is good.

//NOTE: This was originally posted to Wordpress on 05.01.2021//

Let me start by saying that I tried to think of a clever title for this post, but all I could think of was the simple fact that I really like Ginny & Georgia. Excuse my lack of cleverness this week. I’m not sure if it’s my body responding to the first vaccine dose or if it’s the fog of seasonal allergies, but my brain is mush; my sense of smell is also not right. Also, Bug scratched the hair off of one of her ears (I’m pretty sure that’s seasonal allergies, poor thing) and I’ve spent a cumulative 15 hours this past week rendering, exporting, and uploading one single video onto YouTube for work (lost story short: I’m back at the rendering stage after I realized the audio got unsynced in the second half of the video. Ugh). It’s been a WEEK.

Excuses, excuses.

So, while I wait for my laundry and as I take a break from New Pokemon Snap (omg, it’s so good), I thought I’d brain-vomit my thoughts about Ginny & Georgia. Proving true to the portrait I gave of myself in my last post, I’m happy (or embarrassed?) to say that I watched Ginny & Georgia (henceforth G&G) twice this week. I finished episode 10 and immediately started rewatching episode 1, and it’s taking everything in me to not start rewatching for a third time. But depending on what you consider a week, I might be on week two now? ANYWAY.

I’ll start this brain-dump by saying, again, I really like this show. I described it to friends as a cross between Gilmore Girls and Pretty Little Liars or Outer Banks–maybe with a touch of Dexter. I don’t think it’s just that, but I think that’s a good way to summarize how it feels to watch the show, and those are good things in my book. GG and Dexter are probably in my top 5 favorite TV shows, and OB is up there too. I’ve watched OB through twice, and it definitely quenched my mid-winter thirst for the beach and my perpetual desire for a solid mystery/intrigue. I grew up watching the Travel Channel, so any show set in an even moderately interesting locale is immediately catching my interest. Oh, and I watched the entire PLL series with my mom while I was a teenager and even after I went away to college; it was “our show”–our way of sharing cultural ground even when I was away from home for the first time. We watched each episode together when it aired on TV, and we’d be the first to admit that the show was–at best–illogical, comically dramatic, and unrealistic to the umpth degree. But sometimes it’s fun to watch a show and laugh at its absurdity.

G&G doesn’t fall into the same traps that a lot of those types of teen shows do. It has drama and intrigue; it has sex and “teen problems” (which are really just person problems). But it also has real conversations about race and sexuality and parent-child relationships that go beyond the CW/Freeform problem-for-problem’s-sake model (hi, PLL)) or the WB squeaky-clean-problems approach (I’m talking to you, Seventh Heaven). It takes a Skins approach to issues young people face–well, if Skins was made for a puritanical US audience, but not THAT US Skins reboot. We’ll never talk about that. Shhh. Look away.

I’m not going to rehearse the plot of G&G, so look it up for yourself right now. I’ll wait.

Just kidding. I’m not waiting. Go look it up on your own time.

The similarities between G&G and GG are glaring (hell, Georgia even calls herself and Ginny the Gilmores with bigger boobs). In both, you have a young, single mom who had her daughter at 15/16 and then ran away from home. The mom is plucky, charismatic, and doesn’t always navigate the world by making the most, er, ethical choices. The daughter initially seems a bit more reserved and like she wants to play by the rules, but deep down is just a younger version of the mother, and that comes out of the course of the series. The two relate to one another as friends, but it’s complicated by the fact that they’re parent and child and that there is an inherent power imbalance there. The daughter is a little too mature for her own good and the mother is a little too immature for her own good. They butt heads, usually over the mother’s past and present choices (particularly regarding men) and the daughter’s present and future choices (also often regarding men). Their fights and falling outs are truly spectacular–they fight like only a mother and daughter could, but they also love one another–though they can’t express that love in the most logical or legible ways. They’re dysfunctional in every way you could imagine, and they really should be in family counseling.

But that’s not all. If that were it, I’d say, “oh, boohoo, they have similar types of characters. As if this is novel? Hasn’t this been done before? Get off your high horse.” NO. The parallels between these two shows go WAY deeper than that. Georgia is Lorelei and Ginny is Rory–hell, their naming practices are even similar. Georgia named herself after the state she was in the first time she had to come up with a pseudonym; this initiated a naming practice wherein she names her children after the cities/states they’re born in–hence Ginny, for Virginia. Rory is a nickname for Lorelei. (Side note: Lorelei is a hard name to type.)

Fine, fine. But we also have the tripartite relationship dynamics. Lorelei’s Big Three are Christopher, Max, and Luke; Georgia’s are Zion (Ginny’s dad and Georgia’s “penguin”–still not positive what that means, except that they can’t let go of one another?), Paul (the mayor, a white collar, public-facing profession), and Joe (the cafe/restaurant owner). If teenaged Rory has Dean and Jess, Ginny has Hunter and Marcus, respectively; Rory and Ginny obviously belong with the “bad boy”–they have infinitely better chemistry and get one another–but struggle with how good they “look” with the good guy, who’s actually kind of a judgmental jerk (as the bad guy points out).

Stars Hollow looks a whole lot like Wellsbury–hell, they’re both in New England. Wellsbury IS the most New England town name ever. Period. I love me some picturesque New England town bullshit.

Oh, and the side characters. Ellen and Sookie fill the same niche, and it’s a good one. They’re easily the most likable characters in both shows, and their husbands are genuinely funny characters in their own rights. GG has the sexually ambiguous (until he’s not) but oh-so-sarcastic Michel while G&G has Nick. Arguably, you could lump Kirk in with Michel to get Nick, but Nick isn’t as bumbling as Kirk, so maybe that point doesn’t stand. Hell, for friends Rory has the angel and devil on her shoulders in the form of Lane and Paris; Ginny has Max and Abby. And if Stars Hollow has Taylor Doose, Wellsbury has Cynthia Fuller. The list goes on.

Of course, a staple of GG is Emily and Richard Gilmore, but we glimpse that in G&G’s flashbacks to Zion’s parents, who help Georgia and Zion when the two first have Ginny. They’re similarly exasperated with their child’s choices and come off as a little overbearing but nonetheless have good intentions. They don’t have nearly as much screen time as Emily and Richard, which is a shame, but they serve a similar function.

Oh! And the flashbacks. They’re one of the charming parts of GG–they give us really important backstory on Lorelei’s life and life choices prior to the series’ start (and Rory’s birth, frankly). They’re less charming in G&G because Georgia’s background is far darker than GG ever could or would have conjured.

This gets me to why G&G isn’t just a GG rip-off. G&G isn’t just a woke GG. It isn’t just GG with people of color, in the LGBTQIA+ community, of varied socioeconomic classes, or from outside New England. If you like GG, you might like G&G, but you also might not. G&G addresses real life challenges teenagers, women, people of colorm hell, most Americans face in 2021. It depicts the US in its multiple angles, some of which are very, very ugly. Some might say that it’s GG for 2021, and maybe it is, but if that’s true, I’m not sure it’s a bad thing. I’m just not sure it’s totally true.

I’m going to cool it on the GG-G&G comparisons for a moment and just talk about G&G because I think you get my point. Before I cool it completely, though, and as a point of departure, I’ll say that if we do go with the idea that G&G is GG for 2021, then we need to recognize what G&G does differently: it gives us glimpses into how a whole range of people experience the US, and it doesn’t look away from ugly, unflattering, hateful truths that reside just below the surface of sparkly, shiny, pretty, picture-perfect towns. It doesn’t shy away from reality, even if that reality is uncomfortable for white, middle-class, cis, het viewers.

The important things about G&G that I haven’t yet mentioned in specifics are a’plenty.

Ginny (and Hunter) is mixed-race, a subject that comes up on a number of occasions in the form of explicit conversations about how being mixed-race doesn’t necessarily mean belonging to two communities but can instead mean feeling out of place in both. It also comes up in a very hard-to-watch argument between Ginny and Hunter where the two trade insults about one another’s lack of belonging; the argument escalates into a screaming match in which the two effectively diminish not only one another’s claims to their Black (in Ginny’s case) and Taiwanese (in Hunter’s case) identities but also the prejudices they experience at the hands of a hegemonic white society that systematically denies opportunities or a sense of belonging (among other things) for those who don’t fit into readily identifiable “boxes.”

Georgia ran away from her childhood home in rural, impoverished Arkansas because she was being sexually abused by her stepfather, who then went on to sexually abuse her half-sister.

Georgia has killed people, often for “legitimate” (???) reasons, including posing threats to Ginny.

Georgia used to be in a biker gang and still has connections with at least one member, a lawyer she has on retainer to help her “disappear” her misdeeds, including said murders.

Marcus and Ginny have struggled (or are currently struggling) with self-harm and suicide ideation.

Literally every single one of the teenagers in this show is under immense pressure to over-engage in extracurricular activities that will make them competitive candidates at top universities.

Parents’ unhealthy relationships with one another, divorce, and everything else in that realm also shape the teenaged characters’ lives.

Abby struggles with an eating disorder that’s fueled in part by comments her male peers (notably, an asshole named Press) about her body. Male characters make sexist, stereotyping comments to Ginny about her body, too.

I’ll stop there, but I do so with full knowledge that I’m likely leaving something out. Hell, as I type this I remember that Austin (Ginny’s younger half-brother) literally stabs a kid in the hand and there’s a private detective trying to figure out Georgia’s past, including if/how she murdered her previous husband (the impetus for the family’s move). Like I said, there’s so much more to this show than just its similarities with GG. But I’ve also seen articles online decrying viewers who make the connection, and I don’t think that’s quite the right approach. The show clearly isn’t copying GG. Even if G&G did take inspiration from GG, it takes that inspiration in a fresh direction.

I wonder, though, about how we, the viewers, are supposed to respond to certain aspects of the show.

For instance, the show pits the US South as the source of obvious Bad Stuff ™–child abuse, incest, poverty, etc.– and the US Northeast as a place where the Bad Stuff ™ is hidden beneath a picture-perfect veneer. I get what the show’s creators are going for. They’re attempting to give us a multidimensional perspective on the US in all its prettiness and ugliness, but I wonder if associating the South with only the Bad Stuff ™ is doing a disservice to a region that has a rich cultural past and present–a past and present that’s certainly included problems like poverty, racism, and abuse but cannot be defined by those things alone because those things are not all that’s there. To tie those things primarily to just one region because those are stereotypes that are often perpetuated about that region seems a bit . . . overly simplistic? Troublesome? Dare I use the old grad-student favorite–problematic? It’s too easy–it’s lazy, in fact–to pit South against Northeast as the source of the US’s outright ugliness. It’s the rhetoric surrounding the 2016 presidential election all over again, and, frankly, we could all use a break.

The other thing that regional competition does is it makes it possible for the show to gloss over the fact that those Bad Things ™ exist in the Northeast, too. I feel silly saying that because it seems so obvious, but the simplistic portrait the show paints of the US means that it sacrifices accurate representation and complexity for the sake of–well, actually, I’m not sure what it’s for the sake of. Maybe straightforward storytelling? That might make sense if the show didn’t dwell in other complexities and commit itself to attempting to represent other identities and aspects of American life with some degree of accuracy, so I don’t know.

I can’t speak to whether the show accurately represents the experiences of mixed-race people, LGBTQIA+ people, or people with disabilities. I suspect that it represents the experiences of some people accurately but, of course, not all people because that would be impossible. I’m also not sure if I think the show’s commitment to representing a variety of experiences of US life borders on tokenism. I can’t speak for how someone who occupies one of those subject positions experiences the show because I do not occupy that subject position. My gut reaction is that the show does seem to make an effort to go beyond the whole “look at us, we cast all sorts of people in our show” by attempting to humanize all of its characters as real humans with rich, complex lives. It weaves the characters’ lives into a tight web, making clear that a character like Max and Marcus’s dad isn’t noteworthy just because he’s deaf. You don’t look at Clint and think “oh, that’s the deaf character.” You think, oh, that’s Clint; he’s Ellen’s husband, Max and Marcus’s dad, he’s deaf, he makes pithy remarks about his over-the-top daughter and slacker son, and he performs strip-teases for his wife. He’s noteworthy because he’s an engaged (and absolutely hilarious) husband and father whose deafness is one of many identities of his that influences his children’s lives as any other cultural identity would influence a family’s dynamic. The entire family is (at least) bilingual, communicating in sign language and spoken English while also teaching their sign language skills to friends and significant others. His deafness is one identity among many that the show invests him with, and he’s not in all that many scenes.

I could be wrong, but that was my experience while watching the show and thinking about it a bit afterward and while writing this post.

The show depicts mixed-race identity in a complex way, too, but it dwells on it a bit longer and with a bit more detail. I mentioned that Ginny and Hunter are both of mixed-race parentage and that their mixed-race identities become a subject of a relationship-ending argument. To back up a bit, though, the show attempts to paint a vivid portrait of the challenges Ginny in particular faces as a she navigates middle-class, white suburbia as the daughter of a Black father and a white mother. We see how she reacts when a police office walks toward her at a gas station while she pumps gas in her mother’s BMW, when a teacher tells her she’s being “aggressive” (while her classmates, who display similar behaviors, are unremarked upon), when her hair frizzes out after her friends pressure her to let another student’s white mom brush her curls into a ponytail using a boar-bristle brush, when a male friend (multiple male friends?) tells her that she doesn’t look like a stereotypical Black girl, and, among other things, when another student asks her “what are you?” in an attempt to pinpoint her racial/ethnic identities. Each instance is painful to watch because the actress who plays Ginny plays her well; the camera stays trained on her face as she responds to each of these interactions, allowing the viewer to observe the range of emotions she feels as she repeatedly navigates a community of peers and adults who can’t get their shit together and respect her existence. These interactions aren’t quirky neighbors asking silly questions about why she hangs her laundry a certain way or informing her that she needs to only mow her lawn on Thursdays. These are interactions that repeatedly undermine her sense of belonging, that tell her she’s somehow different, and that question her very right to exist. It’s heartbreaking, but I think it’s important that it’s depicted because that’s reality for many, many people.

The scene with Hunter is interesting because it shows the two turning something that was common-ground into a source of conflict for them. I’m not entirely sure how to read this scene. It’s difficult to watch because it rapidly descends into a “who is the most disenfranchised?” competition rather than a respectful conversation about each partner’s different experiences with prejudice. I wondered if the subtext here was some commentary on how members of one racial community pit themselves against members of other racial communities. (I’m not being clear here, and I’m struggling to clarify even as I go back to edit this post. I guess what I mean is that, when I initially watched this scene, I worried that this was a negative commentary on the Black community in particular and how it engages with other racial communities. I hope that makes sense.) Frankly, I’m still not sure if that’s not what’s happening there or if that’s not what was intended. What I’m fairly certain of, though, is that the scene makes clear that we, the viewer, are being told pretty explicitly that we can’t identify the two as “good partners” on the sole basis that they have mixed-race parentage in common. In other words, the scene undermines the idea that experience of racial prejudice is the only (or even the most important) factor that brings two people together and makes them good partners for one another. It also undermines the belief that experiencing prejudice doesn’t mean a person is automatically awakened to the prejudices other people also experience.

This is also one of the scenes where Ginny truly is unlikeable. Hunter is, too, but he’s unlikeable in a number of scenes throughout the show. He’s the Good Guy™ character in a nutshell–says all the right things, does all the right things, is all the right things, but maybe isn’t all those things for all the right reasons. In this scene, Ginny enacts the prejudicial treatment she’s suffered at the hands of her peers against Hunter; she questions the validity of his identity and the veracity of his experiences of prejudice at the hands of his peers. This scene is the breaking-point where the two have to come to terms with the fact that they’re not compatible even though, on some surface and by some set of metrics, they might appear to be.

Hunter sucks, but so does Marcus–for different reasons, though. Marcus is detached, withdrawn, sarcastic, unmotivated, disrespectful, and dishonest. He’s unaware–and doesn’t attempt to improve at all on this–of how his actions impact other people. He just doesn’t care about anyone but himself–until he does, a little bit. Some part of me has sympathy for Marcus and genuinely likes him; I’ll blame the show for that. Another part of me–the part that’s 30 years old and has known plenty of Marcuses–doesn’t have time for his shit. I’m conflicted, but the majority of me wants Marcus and Ginny to end up together because the things they have in common and the things that bring them together are the things that most people look for in a relationship. Marcus is a lazy shit most of the time, but he makes a genuine effort to understand Ginny. By the end of the season, we see that he also respects her and accepts her as she is–warts and all. He seems to genuinely want the best for her, which is a nice development in character from our first introduction to him, tumbling out of his mother’s minivan after having been caught smoking weed on a street corner. Again, though, he wasn’t always so respectful. His past behaviors make it hard to trust him, so it makes sense when Ginny doesn’t bring him along at the end of the season. It does, though, make you hope that he’s back in season 2 and that we get to see more of their relationship.

Speaking of which, I hope that season 2 also explores Georgia and Joe’s relationship a bit more. It seems like they’re headed in the Lorelei-Luke direction, which will make me happier than words could express, but I could also see the show’s creators flipping the script on us and setting Joe up with his own gloomy backstory–something to do with the ethically ambiguous labor situation he’s got going on at his farm and in his cafe, perhaps? Still, I think that might make him and Georgia even better suited for one another than they already are. After all, he’s one of the first people who showed Georgia true, genuine kindness after she ran away as a teenager.

And of course I want more of Ellen in season 2. The actress who plays her is hilarious and her character is just . . . really likable.

On a somewhat lighter note, one little thing I noticed while watching the show is that the characters slap their thighs a lot. This, again, might by my seasonal allergies brain, but the “[slaps thighs]” notation on closed captioning came up an infinite number of times over the course of this show. It came up so often that I started thinking you could catch the entire plot of the show if someone just spliced together every instance where a character sighs and slaps their thighs. I’d watch that video.

After all that, I still think the parallels to GG are there, but I still defend that G&G is also more than those parallels. And the “more” it offers is good. It’s intrigue; it’s gloomy realities and often-ignored truths that don’t offer viewers a sunny break from reality. But I think that’s good. I don’t like the argument that TV should be a “break from reality” or that a show is good on the sole basis that it offers us a “break from reality.” I think that argument is an excuse used to defend media that is too lazy to do the responsible thing and convey storylines that are inclusive and meaningful.

Well, my laundry is done, so I have to go deal with that. Happy Saturday, and happy initial inoculation!

XOXO, you know.

[jiitao]

genyatta week 2018: day 1) music/dance

Genji goes to see a band after a recommendation from his friend and meets a cute bassist who he might be in love with. (ao3 link)

Genji had heard a lot about this band that was having a small, under the radar show at a club in a town just outside of his own. When he had heard about the show, from a friend who had an in on the music scene, he figured it would be a nice way to spend a friday night.

From the outside, the club barely looked like a club. Genji even checked his phone for the address to make sure he was at the right place, which he was.  

Once he stepped inside, it was obvious by the sound of bass coming through the walls of the little landing he was in. The bouncer barely glanced at his ID, stamped Genji’s hand and let him in.

The band was up on stage setting up. The music that was blasting was some generic club stuff and the crowd was bouncing about to it as they waited for the main attraction. Genji got himself a drink and went to chill in the back of the room, looking around for anyone he recognized.

Genji texted his friend who tipped him in on the concert to see if he was there, then turned his attention to the band. His friend, Jesse, had told him it was a bit more hippie than Genji might be used to and he was right.

The lead singer had long dreadlocks, and the guitarist was wearing an edgy , or as edgy as they get, flower crown. The bassist, though, was something else. He had his head shaved, some kind of face paint on, and he was wearing flowy pants with some sort of hippie pattern on them. The whole look was very granola.

As Genji was watching the bassit, who despite the granola look was actually kind of cute, the bassist looked up and caught his eyes. He didn’t seem freaked out by being watched though, he sent him a warm smile and continued setting up.

“Hey!”

There was Jesse, greeting him with a half hug while holding his own drink.

“What’s got you all smiley?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Genji shrugged cooly.

“Okay, whatever you say,” Jesse said. “Ready to see these guys play? Good stuff.”

Genji nodded, continuing to watch the cute bassist.

Jesse followed his line of sight and let out a low whistle.

“Oh, I see,” he said, “‘got you eyes on the bassist huh? Didn’t know you liked the granola type.”

Genji pushed Jesse playfully, “shut up.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell,” Jesse said.

Genji rolled his eyes and the lights went out as the band seemed completely set up now. The clock was reading 10pm, the time the concert was supposed to start. The stage went completely black and the concert started that way with a loud gong that reverberated throughout the club, effectively silencing the room.

Then the stage lit up and the band went off. Their sound was different from any other band Genji had seen live, it sounded like a mix of vaguely asian folk music and indie rock. It was good.

Genji lost himself in the music as the band performed, keeping his eyes on the bassist who seemed to also lose himself in the music as he picked away at his bass. Once during a pause between songs, the bassist looked up and caught Genji’s eye again with another warm smile and this time a playful wink.

Jesse nudged Genji and Genji nudged him back.

In the remaining few songs, Genji and the bassist locked eyes a total of four more times. As the last songs dimmed out with the sounds of chimes, the bassist seemed to invite Genji over with just his eyes.

Genji told Jesse he’d be right back, and B-lined it to the side of the stage. The bassist was still on stage, chatting with his band and packing up his bass. Genji worried for a moment maybe he had made the whole thing up, but just as he was about to leave the bassist turned around and smiled at him.

“Namaste!” the bassist greeted him brightly as he stepped down from the stage. Once he was in front of Genji, he finished his greeting with a small bow.

“I noticed you watching me,” he said with a wink.

Genji might have actually blushed, “yeah. You guys are good.”

“The band, or just me?” he teased.

Genji didn’t normally get flustered around guys, but the bassist’s playful flirting was catching him off guard so he just shrugged in reply and noted in his head how awkward that probably looked.

“How about we go somewhere quieter?” The bassist said as the music started back up, drowning out any constructive conversations.

Genji nodded and followed the bassist to the back, near the bar, where the music was quieter. Genji got himself another drink, offering to get the bassist a drink but he politely declined.

“I don’t drink,” he said.

Genji nodded, “okay. That must make being in a band a different experience then usual.”

The bassist shrugged, “not really, none of us drink. What’s the point of music if you’re too high to enjoy it.”

Genji nodded but took a sip of his drink anyway, “I can see that. So, are you gonna tell me your name?”

“Oh, of course, how rude,” he said with a laugh, “I’m Zenyatta.”

Genji told him his name and continued to ask, “what kind of music was that, that you played. I noticed an asian folky touch.”

“‘Asian folky’, I like that,” Zenyatta said, “We’re inspired by Nepali folk music, that is where most of us are from including me. I’m glad you liked it.”

“Your connection to the music is evident even from the crowd,” Genji said.

“That’s why you were watching me set up, because I was into the music?” Zenyatta asked with a wink, making it obvious it was a rhetorical question.

Genji laughed, “no, that was because I liked your pants.”

Zenyatta laughed at that, “thank you, they’re one of my favorites.”

Just then, Zenyatta’s phone rang and he checked it, ignoring the called.

“I have to go,” Zenyatta said with a sad sigh, “we have another show tomorrow, so we better rest up.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard a member of a band say that before,” Genji said.

“Well, we’re not your average band,” Zenyatta said with a wink, “But, I can’t leave without your number.”

“Oh, how smooth,” Genji said, “give me your phone, I’ll put it in.”

Zenyatta handed Genji his phone, “how do I know you’re not putting some pizza company’s number in my phone?”

“You’ll just have to trust me, I guess,” Genji said, handing back the phone, “but why would I do that after watching you the entire show?”

Zenyatta laughed, “you’re right. I’ll call you next time we’re in town, which shouldn’t be long if I have anything to say about it.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Genji said with a smile.

“Good,” Zenyatta said, getting up from his seat. “Namaste, Genji. I will miss you.”

Genji nodded, “namaste, Zen.”

Zenyatta smiled, actually blushed a bit and turned to leave. Genji watched him walk away, tapping away at his phone. Genji’s phone went off with a text from a mystery number that just had simple smile emoji.

Genji looked up and Zenyatta was glancing back. When their eyes met, Zenyatta gave him a playful wink and turned back, actually meeting up with the rest of his band this time.

Jesse appeared beside Genji.

“How’d it go?” he asked.

Genji just shrugged, “I think I’m in love.”

Jesse let out a low whistle, “good luck with that.”

[kingsofeverything]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year: 

In the order that they were posted

Fall At My Door 

Collide

Mercedes Boy

The Oldest Magic Word 

With a Word (part 2 of FAMD)

Possessing All of Me (part 2 of MB)

It Had To Be You 

One of Many 

Stranded in a Dream

How Fast You Fall

Soft Wings

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way 

Splish Splash 

Don’t Want Shelter 

Wasted Like A Memory (part 2 of DWS)

Just Around the Corner 

Find You Home 

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off

Number 84 

Let Me In (part 3 of DWS)

Admission

Intention

Resolution

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Don’t Want Shelter, definitely. The idea for it came to me over a year ago, and that was basically exes to lovers stuck in a hurricane together. I tried to write it earlier in the year and scrapped it. It was a completely different story and they were actually exes, but it just wasn’t working. RIP those 10k words. But I set out to write something with more emotion and I wanted to write something different and I feel like I succeeded. I’m very emotionally attached to their characters in DWS too. It’s been hard to get my head out of that universe.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this got really long.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Soft Wings. It was soooo hard to write at that time. I was just struggling to write anything at all and every single word of that fic was a giant pain in my ass. It was a bday gift and I actually decided not to do gift fics anymore because of how hard it was to write. The last gift fic I wrote was DWS and it was like 2 months late-- sorry about that @justafatbirdonaboat <3

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

So, this was actually difficult and I would rather include the sex scene I mention below in question 7, but it’s long and... it’s smut and I feel like dropping it in here with nothing leading up to it or after it takes a lot away from it. This is from DWS:

If he keeps himself busy enough, which he’s fairly successful with, he doesn’t have time to think about Harry and how once again he practically laid himself bare for absolutely no reason. It’ll fade, he knows that, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to. It’s how he finds himself going out of his way to some specialty store to find Harry’s organic cinnamon toothpaste. It’s why he bought some fancy vanilla candle for his bedroom. He’s fighting with himself over trying to forget and wanting to remember, because he knows that eventually it’ll be gone no matter what he wants. The toothpaste will be empty and the candle will burn down, and it’ll all become a distant memory.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

i got a super long and detailed comment on FAMD from one of my favorite drarry authors and bloggers that came at the perfect time when i was feeling really shitty about writing and also life in general. it was such a surreal thing for me because i was reading the comment and it was just super lovely and the whole time i was reading it i was like OMFG and fangirling lol

all of the comments on DWS from people who read it as a WIP. they were like some sort of super fuel for me. and it was... idk a special thing for me. i’ve never done a WIP before and idk if I ever will again. it just worked out with that fic because of the chapters and betaing etc. but every time i posted a chapter and people would comment on it, it was just... idk it meant a lot that anyone would follow along, i guess.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing Soft Wings, so late May, and then again after I posted DWS, I struggled with Sweating ’Til My Clothes come off. That was Reason #14 and literally NO ONE wanted to write that prompt, so I took it. Mainly though, my struggles have been with fics that either I’ve abandoned (the old version of DWS) or my unfinished sci fic au.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i feel like everything i write surprises me. i’m constantly shocked that i write anything at all. i think that most of dws was surprising to me. i had a vague idea of what i wanted their personalities to be like, but the way they ended up was so much better than i thought they’d be. I MEAN, i legit thought that the entire fic would take place over 3 days and would end when the storm ended! and then the storm ended and i was like... wtf i’m not anywhere near finished with this. and then a scene specifically, umm... there’s a sex scene in ch 7 of dws that ended up being wayyyyyyyyyyy more emotional for me to write and it still makes me sad to read it. and i’m like 99.999999% sure if you’ve read that fic, you know what i’m talking about. i wrote that and immediately was messaging nic like “i’ve made myself sad with smut! what is wrong with me?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i’m much less messy, though i’m still messy. i think i was easier on my beta this year. less cliche (unless i’m cliche on purpose) and better at getting the emotions across? I DON’T KNOW @louandhazaf is better at this stuff. she answered a different question about this earlier in the year actually.

wait. also. i think i’m better at conceptualizing a story BEFORE i start writing. i still suck at it, but not as badly as last year. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’d like to write another long fic. i’d like to get better at developing secondary characters. i’d like to write more emotion into my fics. i’d love to be better at outlining and planning fics, but idk if that’s who i am lol 

tbh i’d like to be better at the part of writing that, up until this point, and to a certain point, come naturally to me. i don’t think about my character’s motivations or what they’re separate stories are or backgrounds and shit like that until i’m writing and sometimes i do it and don’t realize i’m doing it? i guess? I DON’T KNOW. coming from a math background and never having written or even taken a creative writing class or anything like that, like... some of the most important aspects of writing, i have no clue about them. at least that’s how i feel. a lot of what i do is just................. like me flying by the seat of my pants. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

this is my answer from last year and i’m just going to leave it because it’s still true.

NIC @louandhazaf​ my friend and forever beta. one day we’re going to take over the world. just depends which one of us is in charge of the brain that day as to whether it’s for good or evil.

however, i’ll add to this a bit. nic is the best cheerleader and beta and all of that. bouncing ideas around with her is always fun and always productive. we laughed so hard when we were talking about ideas for DWS. like... i think we both laughed so hard we cried. 

having writer friends -- so all of you -- has been such a positive thing for me. knowing that we all sort of go through the same shit makes it easier when it’s my own lol. 

specifically, i’ll say that @phd-mama influenced me with her fic ‘feels like coming home’ because i read that fic and when i finished i decided that i needed to write something with more emotion behind it, something with a really great (though not necessarily good) back story. the history between her characters in that fic..... idk a lot of it hit home for me. and because of that fic, i wrote DWS. so, thanks <3 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

ummmm... yes. let’s just say.......... yes.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

yes! write what makes you happy, even if that means writing something sad and depressing. but also try to challenge yourself to write things you’re not used to or things you haven’t done before. also, just write. you can edit later. put words down.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my near misses fic, which is what i’ll call it until i title it, that i am super excited about (this one just came to me yesterday)

moodboard fic - it’s anon, so i can’t say anything other than that. i started it, but i think i’m going to start over. 

2 time stamps for ‘don’t want shelter’. one that takes place the summer they’re 13, and one that takes place between chapters 8 & 9, but before ‘let me in’

my sci fi au - it’s been kicking my ass for most of this year 

i have a fic idea where they go from friends to lovers, but it’s a long long road to get there. idk if i’ll get to it. it would be loooong. 

i want to do a valentines fic but idk if i’ll have time. i’d like my near misses fic to be for valentines, but that’s a lot of pressure on me and then on my beta.

28 proposals with jess @someonethatsfunny and if we want to do it for an advent fic for next year, i need to at least write a proposal per month. 

i want to do the new relationship travel the world fic with nic @louandhazaf that we’ve talked about co-writing, but we both have so much going on......... 

oh and the tiny penis fic series. which is 5 short fics that are not connected, but one of them has a tiny penis in each fic (it switches around and also maybe they both do in one fic)

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I would like to tag all of my writer friends, sooo you’re all tagged. Also, this is more than 3, but idc

@dinosaursmate @allwaswell16 @letsjustsee @gaycousinlarry @goodmorningtoyouuniverse @assisreal (writing or art, saori! or both!) @prettytruthsandlies @someonethatsfunny @phd-mama ok i’ll stop tagging so that y’all will have people you can tag lol