#{ yes i know she says shes okay with dying at first in her thread with jakob but she's slightly delusional there dont worry about it }

[misericordel]

the fell dragon pauses, looking up at him and now and simply staring— processing his wish to see her come back. her mouth opens and closes as she considers what to say to him. she had somehow forgotten about them, in her desire to be useful for once. she had forgotten about how much they cared for her. about the relationships she had carefully cultivated up until now.

"…i will definitely come back, no matter what." because they would be devastated if she didn't, even though she can't fathom why they care for her so much. even though she thinks they shouldn't, she never wants to make them feel the way she did when her mother died. she will never let them think she's gone forever again.

"it's a promise." veyle says this as she holds up her pinky finger. "let's swear on it, that way i have to fulfill it no matter what happens."

expected return — team zayin

[xreaderwrites]

Storeroom Dining

Addison Montgomery x Reader

Warnings: smut, hair pulling, minor praise kink, eating out, fingering, 18+

Words: 1,331 | AO3

AN: I impulsively started a Grey’s Anatomy rewatch and now I have Addison Montgomery brain rot

The grin on Addison’s face as she leads you into the empty storage room sends that familiar warmth through your chest. She has that smirk that you’ve missed. The one that lights up her eyes and promises fun and dirty things.

The door closes behind you and you're quick to turn her around and push her against it. You take a half-second to turn the lock, even though it feels wrong to take your full focus away from her. Still, you don’t take your eyes off her and that smirk has turned into an excited grin.

“And here I thought I was the one leading you astray,” She says.

“You are, Doctor Montgomery,” You say as you untuck her blouse and slip your hands under and up, “You are the attending after all.” Her eyes darken and you can’t help your small grin.

“Then perhaps you should get on your knees for me.” It’s not really a suggestion but you decide that it is so you can ignore it to lean closer and taste her.

“But I just got here,” You say and nip her throat. She lets out a breath and drops her head back and oh yes you love it when she melts in your hands. 

But then her fingers are threading through the hair at the base of your neck and they’re tugging your head back, forcing a whimper from your throat, and you know she’s revelling in the change of position as she devours your body with her eyes. You can’t quite see her and it’s almost infuriating because you want to bask in her gaze, memorise her blown pupils and bit lip and that hungry way she looks at you when she gains control. 

You try to move your hands under the cups of her bra but her grip tightens in your hair and she moves your head back down so that she’s inches away and oh , it’s so much better than your imagination. 

“I suggest you behave,” She murmurs, so close that her lips are almost brushing yours and you hate how desperate you are and how obvious it always is on your face because you were so sure you would be able to direct her this time but instead your knees are weak and there’s a whine hovering just below your throat and if she would just kiss you .

“Addison,” You plead and that smirk is back.

“Be good and I’ll give you what you want, okay?” She says like you haven’t been dying to eat her out all day. You nod as much as you can with her grip still firm and she looks so pleased that you drop to your knees immediately. You immediately begin rolling up her skirt, focusing on not getting distracted by those fucking heels she loves so much. 

Her hand finds its way back into your hair and she sighs happily, fingers combing gently. Each new centimetre of skin revealed to you feels just like the first time and you kiss and suck and bite just a little as you follow the skirt up. Her panties are soaked and you indulge in the impulse to run your tongue along the wet patch. Her surprised gasp is your reward and you barely restrain yourself from doing it again. Time is short and you plan to spend as much of it with your tongue inside her as you can.

“Come on, baby,” she says and you pull her panties down to her ankles. You slip one foot out so you can hook her leg over your shoulder. 

You don’t waste any time now that she’s spread open for you. You start right where she’s wettest and lick a slow stripe up to her clit, earning a low moan. You pay special attention to it as one hand grips her thigh and the other her hip. The need to hold her still is immediate as her hips begin to move and her hand tightens in your hair.

“Just like that,” she gasps, “You’re doing so good for me.” The praise makes you clench and redouble your efforts, moving down to curl your tongue inside her as she cries out. The taste of her is intoxicating. You wish you could stay here forever, surrounded by the smell, feel and taste of her.

But it’s not long before she’s close and you’re nowhere near sated. A familiar war rages inside of you. You want to make her cum but you also never want this to end.

She decides for you when you try to slow down, pushing you closer as she bucks and whines. You refocus on her clit, introducing the smallest amount of teeth for her to glide against to send her over the edge. 

It happens fast and she bites down on her hand to muffle her moans. It doesn’t do much. 

She sounds magnificent.

You lap at her clit to help bring her down and feel a small pang of regret for not using your fingers as well. The feeling of her squeezing around you as she cums is always euphoric. But her taste is stronger like this and it’s hard to regret anything when she’s filling all your senses.

Addison slumps against the door and you carefully lower her leg, massaging up her thigh as she catches her breath. Her legs are still shaky when she guides you up and you happily lean into her to lend support. She hums, eyes still lidded as she watches you. Your face is a mess and your breathing is rugged as you drink her in. She leans closer and you think yes, finally but instead of the kiss you were hoping for her tongue glides across your glistening skin, just missing your mouth as she cleans you up and tastes herself. This is nice too , you think dazedly as her tongue glides along your skin again. Still, you turn your head to try and get something more but she pulls back with a chuckle. Her eyes dance with amusement and you know yours are desperate but you lean in again anyway and this time she lets you. It’s easy to get lost in her and before long you’re unconsciously pushing your hips forward and sighing against her mouth. Her hand slips up your throat and to your jaw, holding gently as she guides the kiss before squeezing softly to open your mouth so she can lick inside.

The noise you make would be embarrassing in any other context but here it encourages her to keep going and her other hand slips around to your waist and then down passed your stomach to slide beneath the waistband of your underwear. You are so fucking wet that her fingers slide easily inside you. Your moan is high and you press closer. She pulls your focus back to her mouth as her thumb reaches for your clit and you clench around her fingers, causing her to moan deeply. You echo it as her fingers curl. She always feels so good inside you and it makes you a little crazy how desperate she makes you.

But as she reaches a fast, steady rhythm her pager goes off. You can’t help the long whine that escapes your throat because it means she’s going to leave you here aching and desperate. 

Addison pulls back and it's hard to focus on anything but her swollen lips.

“You were so good for me,” she whispers, which is not helping. Her fingers stroke your cheek. “We’ll finish this later and I’ll reward you properly for being so patient.”

You groan and lean your forehead against hers. As surgeons that could very likely mean hours. It could also include hours in the double digits.

She’s smiling when you open your eyes and you can’t help but mirror her. She’s beautiful. 

“Meet me for dinner?” You ask. Your voice is slightly hoarse and her smile grows just that bit bigger.

“It’s a date.”

[leynaeithnea]

Just finished your beautiful beautiful very yummy and very angsty analysis of love in paradise ( maybe I shed a little tear here and there, maybe I didn't, you can't know that ) so I thought this would be right moment to leave you an ask for a gods game analysis maybe?? *stares at you with big brown eyes*

Last one of this saga!!!! Yayyy

Praying ill remember all the musical parts ive heard about but im sure theres so much hidden i forgot/didnt hear about yet

30. God Games

We open with a choir of course, because...gods! Athena decides to do something (finially)

“Father, God King” (athena asks daddy for help SIJGSEIG)

“Rarely do I ask for favors” being the good favorite daughter

“Now, I’m knocking on your door, with hopes to save a friendship with one who’s a prisoner far from home....Odysseus” I LOVE the melody of this part somehow??? especially how the drop before “odysseus”, ALSO SHE CALLS IT A FRIENDSHIP INFRONT OF ZEUS TOO

“Divine intervention, is that what you seek?” ........yes, bruh. Zeus dont fuck this up, u are decent enough in Homers Odyssey

“To untie apprehensions that were placed on that Greek?” okay i had to google “apprehentions, and apperently it both means “arrest” and “concern/fear”...........to untie the arrest on Ody, and at the same time the concerns of Odysseus THATS GENIUS, Ive heard Homer does a lot of these double meanings of words in his Epics and IM SO HERE FOR IT, also “that Greek”, come on, dont use it as a slur >:)

“You are playing with thunder for a man full of shame”..................NOW WHO PUT THIS SHAME ON HIM YOU MF, YOU WHAT KIND OF SICK GAME IS THIS-

“But if he’s worth the risk of going under, why not make it a game?” Lukes vocal performance in this part is something else, like dude??? hello? youre a tenor SIEJGSEIGJ, its good, also WDYM GOING UNDER??? HUH??? ....yeah of course you make it a game, because everything is a game to you, because really, theres nothing and noone who poses a thread to you

“Convince each of them that he ought to be released, and I’ll release him” the slight echo effect in that voice.......fascinatinggg, wish i knew if the melody in this part had any meaning, gotta look it up

“Who’s them?” Athena god of wisdom asking about details before agreeing to deals *cough* Odysseus, learn from your friend

“Apollo” APPOLO MY GUY ehehehehee

“Hephaestus” okay, fair

“Aphrodite” the wWAY HE PROUNCES HER NAME?? OMG

“Ares”, yea yea imposing yada yada

“Hera” cant exclude his wife

“Or me” OR me, so its ALL of them, or him? bruh

“What do you say?” WHAT IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SAY

“Great” ehehehehe apollo <3

“Very well” just doing it because

“Eh” shes so excited

“Alright” he IS excited

“Groovy”....ok? um...imma move on

“Bring it” of course she would choose all of them over Zeus, its Zeus, he just WANTS you to loose, bc hes the god king

“Apollo!” parrot

“You all know I’m a fan of catchy songs” god of music yada yada HIS VOICE

“so with so many sirens gone, I think Ody’s in the wrong”.........there are so many reasons to dislike Odysseus and you pick the SIRENS? .......did you just join for the fun and had no real reasons or did u get dragged there or-....but its ok, your voice is amazing, also IIRC it should be the melody of suffering??? of different beast??? i forgorrrr norrrr also Lyreeee in the background! ehehehe

“They were trying to do him worse, All he did was reimburse them Now they’ll tread with caution first To live another day and sing another verse” maybe the melody was in this part. also, yeah tell him athena, what kind of argument is that, they tried to kill him he just did what he had to--------admittely he was VERY cruel about it, but athena doesnt have to mention that, and well Ody probably protected even more sailors in the future through his actions

ALSO DONT COME AT ME WITH “but all the sirens are dead” THERE ARE MORE, theyre obviously not talking about the sirens Ody killed, its about all other Sirens out at see that woudlve seen the others dying after being brutally cut down by a human, they WILL be more cautious in the future

“If that’s true, release him”, yeah u really had nothing to argue against, he just shrugs it off LMAO

“Hephaestus!” Hefefuf ehehehe ALSO JORGES DAD YAY adorable, tho when first listened i rly thought it was Jorge with voice changer again THEY SOUND SO SIMILIAR

“Trust is not given, it’s forged”...true, valid argument, Also Scylla melody??? I THink?

“Why should I give him my support? He sacrificed his own cohort”......well....um.....he didnt rly have much of a CHOICE ....but its a more valid concern, the sounds that sound like a hammers in a forge sound cool btw

“Did you forget they failed to listen?”.........yeah literally

“He was betrayed and then imprisoned” IMPRISONED AH ODY, but yeah EXACTLY, the WIND BAG, THE MUTINY AH

“But if you make the right decision He can still build a future with those who miss him” AND BUILD TRUST WITH THEM AGAIN AHHHHHHH yes. Hefefuf choose right.

“Fine, release him” good.

the music making it sound like steps in a game as you level up....fine, it sounds nice

“Aphrodite” seductive, i like it

“Your little high and mighty Odysseus” SHeS pissed, and does not like Ody you can hear the “high and mighty” in her voice :”) ouch

“Claims to love his mother But let her die of a broken heart” LIKE HE HAD A CHOICE IN THE MATTER HE TRIED TO GET HOME SHE DIDNT HAVE TO JUMP

“He was busy fighting”, yeaaah

“More like busy spiting the cyclops”.........yeah okay we can get behin that this was stupid decision but it wasnt a rational decision either he just lost his best friend, THATS LOVE TOO; GIVE HIM SOME SLACK

“Let him feel the pain that his mother felt and rot” WHY U BE SO COLD HEARTED , i love the melody/music in this tho

“Wait, please reconsider this”, athena using quick thought on a goddess, intriguing! also shes begging her :tear: aw man

“Really Athena? These old tricks?” annoyed older brother breaking into quick thought to the rescuse of his lover, makes him likeable somehow, i love the delivery of this line

“Ares!” yeah shes pissed

“What kind of sick coward Holds back his power While his friends get devoured? He didn’t even fight Scylla Didn’t even try to kill her Hides inside a wooden horse to get the job done Never handles things upfront” sorry that he didnt want to DIE dude??? i get your concern with straight forward, open combat but???? is dying on the battle field rly that much worse than wanting to come home COME ON, he wins, he is EFFECTIVE, are you jealous of his stragedies? HE GOT MENTORED BY ATHENA; OFC HE WILL CHOOSE THE SMART WAY OUT NOT THE QUICKEST-WAY-TO-DIE WAY OUT smh

“Pathetic and weak like his son” thats a low blow what is your issue with telemachus bro, the drums for ares makes sense

“Hold your tongue now His son’s my friend” awwww shes calling him a frienddddddd

“And tell your lover that a broken heart can mend” AHAHAH “tell your lover”, true true

“You want more bloodshed? Then set him free To get back to his homestead, he’ll make everybody bleed” SEUHGSOUEGESH “if you let him back he’ll kill everyone” Ares: :D thats what i like to hear, Athenas piano playing again, as she fights Ares is fun too

“Ugh, release him”, what made them change their mind? Esp Aphrodite? was it Athenas concern for Telemachus? and for Ares athenas promise of bloodshed? maybe who knows

“Hey baby”.....okay, flirty? from Hera? alright, lets interpret it as motherly flirting

“Hera” how to hit those high notes

“So many heroes So many tales Give me one good reason why yours should prevail” NOW THAT is intersting, everyone else so far gave a reason NOT to release him, but now Hera asks her to give her one reason WHY he deserves to be released “dont tell me of all the sins he didnt commit, tell me of the virtue he holds” typa thing

“He’s got the mind of a genius”, fair, but there would be others

“Try harder”, encouraging, she doesnt rly want her to loose does she? she support it, she just wants to see if Athena is worth it, i do like this characterization (as long as i ignore the disco animatic, i know its Jorges creative freedom but my brain tries to refuse ANYTHING that would be a reference to modernity, let me live in the bliss of ignorance to pretend its a movie set in ancient greece x)

“He’s pretty skilled with words”, hes a lair, i love him for it

“You can do better than that”, ...yeah

“He’s kind of funny?” running out of reasons athena, also YOU THINK HES FUNNY? LMAO ur right, the odyssey is quite the commedy for anyone but odysseus (and a few others but yk)

“Eh” doesnt sound convinced heh

“Never once has he cheated on his wife” HA HA HAHAHAHAHA HA right thing to say to Hera

[also the whole debate about “did odysseus cheat or not” no. idc what anyone says. if anyone argues he INITALLY consented to Calypso: fine, its blurry in the narrative, anyone can choose how to interpret that as they wish, but Circe was bestowed upon him by Hermes (in the myth at least, in Epic there ofc very clearly refuses her, and she accepts him (hear that calypso? HEAR THAT CALYPSO)) and Calypso, at the very least later on turned VERY unconsensual. FOR SEVEN YEARS., but the “he liked her no more” could also mean she didnt like her as a person anymore after she saved him. its not 100% clear how the relationship started out, we just know how it ends rly, but given the historic context too, it might very well be that it wouldntve been considered as cheating, even if it was consensual, would hera consider it cheating bc she does so with Zeus? maybe, idk, i think the idea of Ody being (one of) the only greek hero(es) that doesnt cheat is one i like, he gets praised enough by homer for all his skills he might as well have the skill of being true to his wife, in EPIC we know that Ody refuses her from the beginning so whatever did or did not remain unnamed in Epic, would NOT be cheating,.........and anyone who mentions Odys proof for cheating being the telegony or any other later versions where suddenly children show up, and he offs penelope for cheating and telemachus marries circe, can kindly, do some more reading into the history of the text and how later authors added their own twists, we dont know if the odyssey from homer was the most well known version, i think, but its the one we consider canon now, and i rly refuse to believe that Ody coming home only to get a new wife]

“Release him” the side glace Zeus mustve gotten LMAO

...ok angry zeus choir again, rly?

“I’ve played your game and won”, she did, fair and square

“Release him” you better

“You dare to defy me?”, what happend to your voice zeus? also....are you pissed that she called you out on cheating? bro, ur just pissed that she choose everyone else over you, grow up zeus

“To make me feel shame?” shame about loosing the game or shame for the humiliation about cheating, mhh

“No one beats me, no one wins my game!”, sounds like my 3rd brother, but hes at least cute when hes throwing a fit about a game having rules

“Thunder, bring her through the wringer Show her I’m the judgement call The one who makes her kingdom fall! ”.your voice is getting worse btw, but...are we talking about pride still? Athenas pride? or is “her” just Athena now? mhhhh, Odysseus DID call her “selfish, prideful and vain”, so maybe it does refer to her pride, she DID Have a character arc tho >:) unlike zeus, hes just an ass, also he gets a choir background for this? intersting,

NOW HE THROWS LIGHTING AT HER??? thats intense, i was gasping when i saw, night sound design

“Is she dead?”, he does sound concerned, is it bc big brother energy or bc athena was zeus favorite child? or do they know how Zeus fucked up just now? hah..ha

the flashes you can hear in the music....aaaah

NOW THIS INSTRUMETAL PART

IS SO BEAUTIFUL ITS SO GOOD THE WAY “WARRIOR OF THE MIND” AND TELEMACHUS LULLABY AND LEGENDARY BLEND TOGETHER AND BECOME “ATHENAS FINIAL STAND” (as its supposedly called) ITS SO GOOD i ah i like this part the most of the song, together with apollos voice aseghsegij Aphrodite is fine too :) and "rly athena; these old tricks"

AlSO her having a flashback to Ody giving her Telemachus to hold after his birth, PLS??? Thats so vulnerableeeeee aaaaaaaaah yeah, yea that was good

“Let him go, please, Let him go”, she reaches out to Zeus, as her light dims and she begs him to let Ody go, nothing left of the selfish and prideful goddess, she was selfless- sacrifcing herself and ler go of her pride to beg to Zeus to let him go, who stops as he grabs to throw another lighting, in shocked realization of what he has done.

The song fades out. And we are left to wonder if Athena is ded or not

now initially i rly thought Jorge killed a goddess

by now im more hopeful that she isnt dead (im hoping for that, mostly for the fun of sticking to the source material of Athenas help in the last chapter(s) of the story)

but

im still doubting a bit. the chance is there that she is, infact, dead, but i dont know how that would impact the narrative-,...i suppose we’ll see, either in the vengence saga, or at the lastest in the ithica saga x)

[coffeegnomee]

Training my brain to learn that caring about something does not mean someone will die and it will all be lost.

Cw - death, OCD, mcyt death, dsmp and lifesteal, triggers

This is, obviously, something super personal. But sharing about it is what scares me, so I’m going to do it anyway and prove to my brain that it’s okay to care.

If you end up reading it, know you just read my heart. I hope it helps you process whatever you’re dealing with <3. 

I looked up OCD tonight because my brain constantly cycles through the same thoughts and worries about Lifesteal like Non Stop. Like I know I’m ADHD but this isn’t just a fixation on this server, but like debilitating spirals of thought. And all focused around analyzing if it’s all going to fall apart or not. 

They say ocd is a “limbic system impairment that occurs when someone experiences a traumatic physical or emotional event while their chronic stress load is already high.”

And that freaking resonated. They say exposure therapy can rewire the brain so let’s go explore what’s the event that’s keeping me spiraling.

My chronic stress load was extremely high that summer two years ago. And then Technoblade died. The longer it’s been the more I really sit with the fact that that was traumatic.

On top of the stress personally, now my favorite YouTuber, my comfort character on dsmp, the freaking anchor of that server, was just gone. Gone.

Dreamsmp came in a time of some pretty heavy depression. Obviously the pandemic was still occurring so that’s a chronic stress load itself (I found it January 16th 2021, so like, three days before the disc finale, but almost a year into covid) and watching through all the streams I was able to completely escape.

For the first time in months I was laughing. Like deep belly laughs. Full body. Actual joy. The neural rewiring my brain those first months was insane. It was pure serotonin.

I became motivated to work again, having something fun in the background. I looked forward to cherishing the lore, keeping those streams to the side for the evenings when I could really immerse myself into the story.

There’s a two-fold trigger that sends me into a spiral around loosing the thing that makes me happy. Unfortunately at the time, the things causing the chronic stress in my life stemmed from the things that used to bring me fulfillment and joy and purpose. They were being taken away, by my own choice, and from my health (more on that later).

So in the void of having my real-life anchors to bring fulfillment, dreamsmp was the thing keeping this whole body going. Truly a hanging on by a thread moment.

But even then, it’s not just about "loosing the thing that makes me happy" that causes these obsessive thoughts.

It’s the irrational connection that because the lore changed and the dynamic of the server stalled, that THAT therefore somehow that lead to Techno dying. (yes. An irrational and non related thought. I just realized with writing that that I have truly merged both those events so closely that when the first happens, I cannot let go of the idea of the second. I’m sitting here expecting someone to irl die.)

Huh. That’s interesting. 

It’s like, I read this from some random instagram post years ago. This woman’s husband died on a sunny day and then years later sunny days fill her with dread as if the weather was signaling that she would come home to the death of a loved on.

That’s what’s going on in my noggin.

Because it’s Quackity’s lore that changed the fabric of the dreamsmp. It didn’t have to, but it did. It came at the perfect storm when everyone was super burnt out and needed to run away from the insanity of both the fans and the haters and the sudden massive fame. 

He decided to do pre-recorded movies. On my live-stream smp. The very fabric of lore was changed. 

And because of the larger production, it took longer, and the other members of the server seemed to not know where to take their personal lore; everyone was waiting for that damn casino to open. And since all the lore ended up happening in pre-recordings we never again experienced that magic of live stream entertainment and improv and dumb bits. Everything was sanitized. For their own sanity, sure. But at the expense of the survival of the server. (Also Techno wasn’t available because of the chemo, so truly nothing was happening on any end of the server)

That perfect storm, loosing interest in the server and the lore being fundamentally changed, set the stage for the traumatic moment of loosing a member. That's my two-fold trigger.

And his death sealed the deal. I’ve never held it against them for not wanting to continue after. Season 2 was impossible the moment that happened. 

My chronic stress had exploded so far that my thyroid was fucked and I’m diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease that keeps me fatigued more often than not. Besides that, my other main chronic stress was a realization that the Future I had always expected myself to take, the Plan that I had set out, I was suddenly extremely Not Sure I wanted to do anymore. 

But I had confidently told my friends and family for over 8 years that this is what I wanted (all this during college and after. I was already 26 at this time) (yes I’m old) (yes life is still crazy when you’re old) (but you start understanding yourself better). It was in this understanding of myself that I realized my direction needed to change.

Suddenly my whole identity I had built for myself was swept out from under me. 

At that. same. dang. time. That same week. That’s when the news broke. Literally broke me to pieces. 

And I hadn’t told anyone I was obsessed with Minecraft lore. Like bro. I’m out of college for a few years. Get a life. (But man. My eyes just light up when I think about this method of story telling. It’s just goated)

My mom sort of knew. She didn’t understand but at least I could tell her someone died and she had some sort of connection that I had been following this kid for over a year now. 

But no one else. The sorrow and pain of loss is just so much worse when you can’t explain why you cared about someone so much. It’s not like my parent died. Or sibling. It was a kid I had never met in person but I resonated with so much. 

And I remember distinctly thinking “It’s not worth not sharing the things you care about with other people”. Burned into my brain that day.

But time heals all wounds. Until something triggers it. 

I spent the next year just following Foolish, that ray of sunshine who was involved enough to have become my comfort streamer, but not too involved that it was painful to watch because of the memories.

It was a crazy fun year. Best comfort streamer. But people change, I change, and I missed Minecraft lore. You can only watch so much valorant before it’s just the same game.

Foolish found out he was on QSMP (I think it actually was before, I think he knew about the server before it was announced) and he started looking at Minecraft content and Minecraft builds again. For the first time in over a year. It was such a random day. 

But we watched Sandiction and… Rekrap2. 

Both of them stole my heart and I went, maybe it’s time to return to mcyt. See what’s been brewing.

And before I knew it I was on a month-long binge of Lifesteal content and just so absolutely lost as to what order everything came out in or what season everything was from. Shoutout them being allergic to click baiting “Lifesteal” or adding season tags to the description. It’s such a mess on Youtube lol.

Soon enough I found Baconnwaffles1. Not 0. 1. Somehow found his second channel first.

The videos caught my eye. I knew they were streams and I was trying to find the vods, but as you know Bacon doesn’t have a vods channel and his streams delete after 14 days. 

But then finally the fated video crossed my path: “This is PrinceZam and he just betrayed his teammates”

Oh my goddess what in the world is going on in this server. 

I needed to know. 

So began the true binge. Found Zam’s vods, watched season 4. And I discovered something amazing.

I have genuinely never resonated more with a character than I resonated with Zam season 4.

Every internal debate of Zam resonated with my own dilemmas. People pleasing and understanding what you value came to a head, and only one could win. But truly your values are the only real option because every moment of people pleasing will rub against your soul like hot coals. 

Remember those chronic stressors? The life I didn’t know if I wanted anymore?

As Zam walked between conversations with friends, teammates, and enemies, I recognized similar conversations in my life. 

I could describe the situation one way, and the person would agree and give advice. But then I realized I could describe the situation in a different light and then maybe they wouldn’t agree anymore. So I didn’t know what advice to take.

And then chat was so funny. The day before the wormhole they started giving too many opinions, the same opinions they had been giving for weeks, and in a flash I was like, omg he’s going to spiral again guys why are you like this. 

And then he was like, OMG chat, YOU’RE the problem! There’s too many of you and I’m trying to make everyone happy.

If I tell you I jumped up, screamed, giggled, and floundered around like a crazy person it wouldn’t even come close to what happened. I was so proud of Zam for realizing his emotions were being swayed by the barest opposition. From that third person point of view, I could so clearly see what was going wrong and I was cheering him on to realizing what he truly wanted.

I did, and still do, see so many of the decision making problems that Zam has, within myself. As a piece of media, and him being a character, it’s the craziest most relatable story I have ever seen. I’ve never resonated with a character more. 

Then we reached season 5. 

The first season I truly watched as it came out. I had gotten too obsessed with this Minecraft world. I wanted more. I loved these kids and their storytelling. 

But it was the first season when people started leaving the server on good terms.

Oh no. This sounds too familiar. People are loosing interest in the server I love. What’s next, a change in the fabric of how lore is created? 

Then there was a change in the fabric of how the lore was created.

We saw the new members approach the server with a recording-mindset. Who weaponized the lore against the old server members. Pretending they cared about the yapping but then revealing that in itself was a complete and total lie used to get you into the perfect position to either spoil the whole riddle or shoot you with an arrow canon.

And then. Not. Care. At. All. Zero remorse.

I don’t know why the betrayals by Jumper hurt so badly. But it hurt. A lot. (I was triggered that’s why) My emotional reaction was out of proportion to reality.

It’s not like it wasn’t a Lifesteal move, people had gotten into position to betray in the past, and would continue to do so in the future with Leo and Clown betraying Minute. 

But it was that “I have no remorse over the hours we spent as a team, not a single thread of care to you or to the yapping lore of this server”. It’s one thing to be betrayed by an enemy. Quite another to be betrayed by a friend.

So here I began. Triggered by something that wasn’t world ending. Quackity’s take on lore didn’t kill the server. Neither did Jumper’s. It was probably going to be fine.

But like. My brain is not agreeing. So I’m pushing back on it. 

Here’s what I’m finding.

This is a fun tidbit - when Mapic said “streams are delayed” when he was in the hospital before the finale I could not convince myself that he didn’t had cancer and wasn’t going to die. Bro. Tell me you’re triggered without telling me you’re triggered. (In case you didn’t see, it was just a concussion)

I’m so hyper aware of everything that could indicate I’m going to loose someone I care about again.

The pattern recognition is going out of control. 

And I keep trying to calm my brain down and catalogue all the reasons I know and believe Lifesteal will be perfectly fine for probably a while. Like how they have meetings all the time to discuss what went down on the server. They’re talking all the time to work out interpersonal problems and lore problems so that everyone is happy and feels heard. And they’re watching movies together. Meeting up and strengthening relationships. Changing admins as necessary. 

And I say it again. 

And again. 

And again. 

Every time something throws the smallest pebble at stability I walk my brain back through all the indicators that everything will be fine. 

Jumper:

Jumper loves being on the server. She’s said it. She’s so excited about it. She did have a plan. She didn’t tell us the plan as it went, but she does stream. She’s getting comfortable with the idea of streaming, she’ll learn to trust chat over time. She’ll learn how to loose gracefully on this server at some point. Probably. hopefully. And since I don’t know when that will be I’ll just have to wait until season 6 and see what happens. It’s out of my control. She’s fine. It’ll be fine. 

Pentar:

Pentar is fine. He doesn’t understand why chat would tell him he’s the most likely to betray even though every video he betrays. Why is he doing that that’s so weird. But he’s a great teammate and everyone likes having him around. I don’t like how he laughs at Zam, but like I can give him the benefit of the doubt that he just doesn’t take anything seriously and laughs in the face of anything serious. I’ll have to wait and see until next time to see how I feel about what he does on the server. Real life can’t be repeated over and over so just let it go. It’ll be fine.

Minute:

Minute is just so happy to be in Lifesteal. He loves it so much. You can tell by how he speaks every time there’s a group moment. He’s going to be admin next season. He loves this server. He may be overly attached to the Rules and have black and white thinking and he sometimes wields that for his own gain and I hate when he does that can he just have fun and take things less seriously? But I think he’ll get it. He’s competent. And he loves the server. He wouldn’t destroy it even on accident because someone would call him out before that happens. It’s going to be fine. 

Ash: 

Ash can be mean and also not care about the good that our side is doing and just wave them away saying they’re just evil. He does’t get it. But also he’s quite the actor. He puts on a lore face when he logs on, you can see it in season 4 with the wormhole. You can see it when he logs on for the justice league returns and he’s so committed to being good and fighting evil and as Zam is killing Mid in the background and he’s all shocked as if he was not the one who goaded Zam into killing her moments before. It’s a character. Even when it feels like it shouldn’t be. He does take random events in stride, pulling up the meditation guidance video when they all got killed. He’s stressed out by it, but also takes it with some levity. He’ll be fine. He just chose a questionable character to act this season and didn’t know how to balance his position as admin separate from his need to win. But he’ll be fine.

Can you see how this is exhausting? This is my brain on the daily. 

Every day I find myself working through each person one after another as something small comes up to threaten the balance, or reinforce the good.

This is when I noticed this wasn’t simple excitement about the lore, thinking and guessing about what might happen.  It was the same thoughts over and over and over. And I couldn’t stop a line of thought until I mentioned all the things. That’s what made me look up ocd. 

But back to it, I’m actually so much more okay with Ash because it’s been a couple seasons with him. I’m starting to see his tells. So I can just let the rough parts slide away. 

And that’s really what I just have to accept. That I can’t self soothe my way into being okay. Resisting acknowledging what I’m afraid of is just making me spiral more. 

We’ve seen people choose to leave after stressful seasons. We know some people become aware that they aren’t cut out for Lifesteal. Or they just don’t want to be. Some of these members might decide that. And Lifesteal has continued despite members leaving. 

OMg can I please stop cataloging how it will be fine?

I have to sit with the reality and realize nothing bad DID happen, NOT that nothing bad MIGHT happen. 

(This is unironically so counterintuitive to my brain. What do you mean I have to just accept that nothing bad happened, what if something bad does happen!) (But that’s what anxiety looks like. That’s not a good)

How do you convince yourself that you can’t predict the future? Asking for a friend.

I think it goes back to caring. I don’t think I’m allowed to care about any of this. That it’s silly, or dumb, or immature. 

It was, in fact, in caring itself that the loss of Techno was so painful.

So I don’t allow myself to care. To get too invested. Any time I see that I’m caring I push up on the walls of my trenches and shove that shit out. Only analytical thoughts in here. Measurable, quote-filled analyses.

But caring does not therefore mean there will be a loss.

So. Okay. Pivot. What am I really afraid of? 

I’m afraid the server will end. That something will make Zam give up and leave. 

Wow. I thought that was going to be a long ass paragraph but it really is just that. I know I’ll stop watching lifesteal if Zam is gone. Unless someone new comes in that has his same spark and dedication. Unlikely. 

So that threat is the worst. 

And I’ve seen his interest wax and wane. I know he can disappear for a month. 

But I also know he can come back. And he’s been a lot more mature and healthy and confident in being the streamer of Lifesteal. In how much he loves the server. 

Which is where pb&j being such a threat to the fabric of how lore is done is so scary, because that changes Zam’s care. But then again. It really didn’t. He just pivots. 

One of the most healing things has been watching the old members leave and continue to make content. And seeing how they choose to make their exit. They honored the server and the time they were there, in Rek’s case uplifting Lifesteal.net, in Parrot’s in completely reediting all his footage into a cohesive story. 

And then they still make content together. All the members make content with each other outside of Lifesteal. (And those that left the internet forever, that was okay too)

So that’s nice. Some bad things came to pass, and they've shown their response to it. Also Zam taking a break didn’t change how the lore was created, so that wouldn’t be a trigger. 

The trigger from that fear would be if he did leave, my brain would go into high gear looking for who was going to die. And I would have a new post to write lol. 

The trigger that is still tilting me is that pb&j changed how the lore was made, and my brain went *danger* *danger* This is something that happened last time and you know how that turned out! Start looking for who is going to die!

And it stopped me from seeing how this is not the same situation. The pattern for a death that I think I’m seeing, is not a pattern. 

And sitting with how nothing DID go wrong, that fear did not come to pass, is exposure therapy.

Because nothing went catastrophically wrong with the season 5 finale. I just keep closing my eyes, sitting in the problematic lore, and not accepting what actually happened at the end of the season, and freaking out that disaster is coming.

So what happened?

Season 5, you tried to kill my server. 

But The server resisted. (Hahahah undertale reference!)

Clown came back. Ro came back. Branzy betrayed everyone for Clown. Bacon and Zam sat in vc the entire finale fight. Mapicc fought until he couldn’t.

Spepticle gave his account then fought for it back. Pangi gave his account. Spoke gave his account. Red did the blessings/curses as Zam wanted. 4C said he was glad to give Minute the presidency because he knew Minute wanted peace and he knew peace was not an option in Lifesteal. Actually the quietest of goats. Didn’t realize he thought that deeply about the server. 

And it meant so much that Clownpierce, who hasn’t been meaningfully involved since the season 3 finale, came back and fought for his server. He made Lifesteal season 2. It’s always been his domain and he fought for its soul.

That’s the season 5 finale. 

The Players fought for Lifesteal. The server resisted destruction. 

This chapter is closed. This season got it’s ending. And it’s “not like last time” like my brain keeps thinking. 

The season might have ended with a lot of unknowns for how it will affect season 6. Will these old members still care? Will pb&j be a menace still? 

But what happened was a moment where everyone came together to care about the server. And that means the anxiety was unfounded. If something happens like this again, I have an example where everything didn’t fall apart to counter my fear that it will. 

See you around!

If you actually read to the end you’re amazing. Hopefully this is something you can do in your life to help understand what is the cause of your pain and anxiety. I wasn’t going to post it initially, but working it out as a post I could theoretically show to other people helped make it way more real than trying to work it out in my head, talking to myself. I had to write it in such a way that someone else would understand. Even if I didn’t post it. 

I’ll probably have many more days of writing when I notice a new trigger. Exposure therapy isn’t a one and done. (I probably won’t post any of those.)

But my body feels so much more relaxed now. Something has shifted in my head as a result of writing this all down.

Good luck!

[pocket-lad]

Another Holiday special? 🥺

Maybe it's Ian's or Adelaide's birthday. 🧁🎂

Going into the cultural differences on how/if holidays are celebrated between Borrowers and humans. (For humans birthday are dreaded, another year when your youth is sapped away😔🙄. For Borrowers a birthday is a celebration that they are alive and made it through another year without dying 🥳🎊🎉)

HOLIDAY SPECIAL TIME! [And stay tuned for a part 2 ;) ]

~

“How old are you?” Ian asked.

“23,” Adelaide responded distractedly. She was focused on patching a hole in her pants.

“You - you keep track of that sort of thing?”

“If you didn’t think so, then why did you ask?”

“To see if you uh, keep track of that sort of thing. Are you mad?”

“What? No?”

Ian smirked to himself. Women always got offended by that question, and he never understood why. Sometimes it was nice to be able to talk to someone with no concept of societal norms or pressures.

“Well, wait, what day is it?” Adelaide asked.

“December 14th.”

“Oh, never mind. I’m 24.”

“When is your birthday?”

“December 14th.”

Ian blinked. “And you don’t celebrate?”

Adelaide didn’t look up from her pants. The thread was too short to complete a full, secure knot and she was growing frustrated trying to tie one. Every time it slipped out of her fingers, her mind slipped closer to madness. “I am celebrating.”

“It doesn’t look like it.”

Adelaide set the needle down on her leg. “The world is dangerous. I’m not always guaranteed another year. So I’m pretty excited to be here today, but I don’t know how I would even celebrate something like that externally. I can’t be loud. I don’t have friends. So…”

“I take offense to that.”

“You know what I mean,” Adelaide smiled.

“I don’t, actually.”

They held eye contact for a moment, waiting for the other to break first. Adelaide couldn’t tell if Ian was lying. He was. He had a good idea about what she meant but he always liked to hear her talk about it. Adelaide broke first, despite her natural hesitancy toward explaining her life in the walls.

“You know I don’t want Beans to know I exist, right?”

“Yes.”

“And celebrations are usually loud.”

“Yes.”

“And if we were loud, the Beans would hear us.”

“Understood.”

“I don’t know what else there is to explain.”

“No friends?”

“Yeah, I mean…” Adelaide hesitated. “There were other families spread around the motel. I talked to some people my age occasionally, but never enough to make friends.” She knew Ian long enough to know he wouldn’t use this information against her or others like her. In fact, he almost definitely already gathered that more borrowers lived in the motel probably. It just felt wrong to say out loud.

Ian either didn’t pick up on her hesitation or he ignored it. “Well, you have me, and uh, moreover, you have access to the - to the whole world through me. So what do you want to do?”

“I want to fix these stupid pants.”

“Right."

“What do you do for your birthday?”

Ian smirked. “I throw a…wild party.”

Whether that was the truth or not was anyone’s guess. “Oh, okay, me and all my friends will throw a wild party,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“You asked!”

They sat in silence for a couple minutes while Adelaide continued to fiddle with the knot. Finally, she got it, hissing in triumph.

It was a very poor patch job. The hole would probably tear open again next week, but that was a problem for next week. Adelaide already knew her future self was going to hate her present self for this decision and she absolutely did not care. For now, it was fixed.

Ian knit his brows and couldn’t help but smile at her exclamation. Even he could tell the stitching wasn’t going to last, but her excitement was contagious. “Now what?”

Adelaide frowned. She wasn’t necessarily a planner, so she didn’t really think about what was next unless there was a need. And if there was a need, she’d borrow. But again, it felt wrong to announce to a Bean when she went borrowing. So, she shrugged.

“Do you need anything?” Ian asked.

“Yeah, I need more thread. This needle is also getting dull. And it would be excellent if I could find someone who was good at this,” she sighed.

“Hm.”

Ian shot to his feet and walked away. It took Adelaide a second to register it, then another second to realize what he was doing. By that point, it was already too late to stop him. He returned with a small needle and a whole spool of thread.

“I was going to get them myself,” Adelaide said flatly.

“I know.”

“I can do things on my own.”

“I know.” Ian bent down and set both items on the floor underneath the couch, right next to the entrance Adelaide used to get into the walls. Then she wouldn’t have to climb with them or knock them to the floor herself. He stood back up and held out his hand to her.

“What are you doing?”

“Give me your old needle. I’ll get rid of it.”

“I can do-”

“-do that yourself. Yes. I know. Can I do this for you, though? Because it’s your birthday?”

They entered another staring contest, and Adelaide broke first again. God, she was getting soft. She delicately set the needle in his hand, making sure not to poke him with it, no matter how much she was tempted to do so.

Ian disappeared again but shortly returned, this time with an apple. “I unfortunately do not know anyone who can uh, fix your pants. I offer you, instead, an apple.” He didn’t wait for a response as he shoved a slice into her hands.

Adelaide was forcibly pushed backwards from the impact. She managed to stay on her feet but had to recalibrate. “Why?” was all she could think to say.

“Uh, did we - did we not establish that it’s your birthday?”

“Yes, but-”

“Do you want to go to the park? The…non-Jurassic one?”

Adelaide had to restrain herself. She wanted to yell at him for ignoring her and interrupting her, but he was trying to be nice. He was doing a nice thing. Or, well, things.

And the park did sound nice. They’d been outside a couple times here and there but she hadn’t been back to the park since that first day. That was also the first time she sat on Ian’s shoulder and (regrettably) in his pocket. It was a hectic, scary experience, which is why she never thought about returning, but they’d been through a lot since then. The park sounded like a breath of fresh air.

“Sure.”

Ian held his hand out and Adelaide noticed the way he didn’t just scoop her up. Oh, so he was being nice nice. Maybe she should milk this birthday thing.

The park was relatively uneventful. They people-watched. Adelaide munched on her apple slice. At one point, a very large honey bee also found the apple to be quite intriguing. Adelaide whipped out her knife as soon as she heard the buzzing and held the slice behind her back. The stinger pumped menacingly as it floated around her. But Ian just gently shooed it away before she could stab it.

Adelaide pushed Ian’s hand out of her personal space. She refused to admit how nervous it made her to have Ian blindly wave his hand around when she was so high up. She refused to admit how nervous the bee made her. “It might come back. You should’ve let me kill it.”

“They’re good for the environment.”

“Hmph.” Adelaide worked just a little harder and a little faster to finish her apple in hopes that the bee, or any of its friends, would not return. As luck would have it, no more bugs interrupted their afternoon.

The setting sun was warm, the air was crisp, nature hummed, and time passed leisurely. Adelaide lived by extremes, oscillating from extreme adrenaline to extreme boredom. Though her time with Ian lessened those extremes, it was rare that Adelaide found herself in just a plain old pleasant situation, feeling plain old pleasant. It was nice. And she couldn’t imagine spending her birthday any other way.

“When is your birthday?” she asked.

Ian smirked. He didn’t expect anything for his birthday, but he was deeply curious to see what kind of plan Adelaide would conjure. “June 29th.”

“How old are you?”

“38.”

Adelaide’s eyes lit up. “Wow, that’s…awesome!”

Ian laughed. “You are quite - quite possibly the only person in the world who uh, thinks so.”

“Why?”

“Uh…people don’t like to age. Beauty fades. Puts us one year closer to death. I imagine it reminds us of all the um, the time we wasted, all the things we didn’t do and currently are not doing. Waste of time to even think about it, though. Trivial, if you - if you ask me.”

“I’d kill to die of old age.”

“You don’t think that will happen?”

“Unlikely. Didn’t even think I’d make it this far, to be honest. I’ll probably get taken out by a rodent or fall off something high, who knows.”

Adelaide didn’t seem very bothered by that fact. Ian frowned. The casual way in which she regarded death was morbid, but fascinating. But he didn’t know Adelaide to be emotional or philosophical. She was practical. She had to be. And he respected that.

“Hey, Ian? Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Adelaide leaned against Ian’s neck and yawned. She could feel his pulse beneath her and the cool breeze on her skin. And as the sun sank below the horizon, she saw it. For the first time in her life, she truly saw it. No clouds blocking the way, no windows to peek through, shining bright against the darkening sky. After twenty-four years, Adelaide saw the stars. And that was perhaps the best gift of them all.

[kboo1999]

yeah, I forgot how much Dante pissed me off last episode

torres is he’s acting

lord. oh lord. cook, you can’t get all big and mad about this now, you’re here like wayyyy after the fact,  and this is partially on Voight and Kim. 

Torres should have never been in that deep and that dark from the rest of the unit when it had little to no true exposure and experience AS A COP 

fuck this. this is going to be a ride

the way that Hank is like cut the bullshit, get to the facts

I don’t think Torres is trying to save himself, I do think as a catholic though he surely is feeling that strong as hell Catholic Guilt

damn it Kim 

the way that Adam was starring down Torres, like what the hell did you get my girl into

OH SNAP!!

“She could go to prison Dante” — I know, especially at that moment, all that Adam is thinking about is she is the mother to his child 

I do love the way that Torres says his name though

god, poor Dante, he can’t deal with some things of this nature still — he truly was scarred from his history

I’m actually kind of hating Kiana right now

I feel like Kim is going to be the person that’s the thread that is going to help save Torres

awww, Dante bringing Kim her cup of I’m assuming coffee

I love and hate all the love and compassion Torres can still have, no matter how someone has wronged him, or what he’s been through

Oh, Lord. the amount of shots being fired here is wild

Dante

I will say, I do love this trio of 

Hell fucking yes Kim with that shot. 

I also loveeee the fact that Kim is really and truly able to give out orders — like yassss Detective Burgess with Intelligence 

lol. 

yes dante. yes. he said he will cuff you to his damn car if he needs to

damn. Gloria. you have pissed off this man. it takes a lot to do that. 

he really gave Gloria the damn hand. 

when you start getting shot at 

easy?? bitch what? Torres is dying emotionally, and the fact that she doesn’t see that kills me

Fr though, I have been thinking this since we first saw Gloria was back, I don’t understand why she didn’t take the out, and start something different. Like, she’s not a dumb or uneducated, inexperienced, or skillless woman, sooooo. I just don’t get it. 

the way that Kevin looks when he’s posted up — i love how he’s developed over the seasons + you’ve got kim & adam over on the other car working together you are wasting his time currently though. 

ahhhh. That’s what this is. Gloria is a power whore. 

he tried to warn you Gloria

yeah. He definitely is one of them. He’s a cop. 

Torres, don’t let her get in your head.

damn, that gate was loud as hell

Kevin pushed that man down with no regard like he was a damn feather

damn. I’ve always loved it, but it’s just gotten better this season, the team up with burgess + adam + kevin, the way they clear, and cover. it shouldn’t be so hot, but it is!

oh hell nah. yeahhhh, Adam’s not with the shits baby. you shot in the vicinity of his woman, he’s never not going to be okay. 

Torres tried to warn you idiot. — at this point, she’s more than made her bed, she doesn’t deserve to “still have a life”, she got out, she was out, Dante risked everything, did her right, and YET, she still purposely and intentionally dragged herself back into the life

Kim doesn’t have the time to play — nor will she play with Gloria. she’s over that shit 

Kim’s “I don’t think about you” — the fact that this is really probably more than true

Kim mentioning Chief Deputy Reid

okay….the way they are all analyzing and watching him

lol. adam. he’s never trusted people who renege on their word

it seems like Cook is riding her tail way too close

um…uhhm, what the hell is Gloria doing. or maybe she thinks she’s being set up 

Gloria is wildin’ bruh

but she really just saved Dante. so holy shit. 

damnnn. the unit shut these mf down!!

hot damn. Something told me this was going to happen, but I wasn’t expecting it to go down quite like that…

Now Kiana sees it, right in front of her eyes.

well damn. now they all see it. Not only do I think Torres really loved her, but also i believe his catholic guilt  is deep 

I don’t think it was a cover up per se, I think it was damage control more so. 

Yeahhhh. Hank doesn’t trust people like that. 

lol. why does everyone always wanna “be friends” with Hank. he doesn’t like y’all 😂

[pigeonwhumps]

🪡 That’s gonna need stitches for Phoenix?

Phoenix slips into their room as soon as they get home and pulls the first aid kit out from under their bed.

They don't think anyone noticed them come in, but it's unlikely they'll care anyway. So long as their chores are done and dinner cooked it doesn't matter.

Which is good, because there's a gash running down their side, jagged and wide and gushing blood. It'd be more of a worry without their healing factor, but even so, they can't do their chores as they are. They skip over the paracetamol and ibuprofen (they won't do much good for a wound this size) and pick up a needle and thread. By the time they've threaded the needle it's slick with blood, but at least it's threaded. Their clothes and the floor are covered in blood already, and they wonder, vaguely, whether they'll ever get it out completely.

They work carefully, squeezing Mr Frosty in one hand as they pierce the skin. It's a painful pinch, and it doesn't last long but then they have to do it again, and again, and again, the pain making them want to scream as they drive the thread through. They bite their lip on a sob, vision swimming with tears. They don't often feel lonely, not really, in fact they'd rather not get Abbie and her friends' attention most of the time, but right now... right now, it's painful. They want their sister to help bandage them, their nemesis to make them smile, just someone to tell them it's going to be alright.

But they don't have that, it's been years since they had that, and they need to grow up and stop complaining about it. They can cope. They always do.

They stitch the last of the wound shut and pull the thread tight, tying it off. It hurts, oh it hurts so badly, they want to curl around it and block out the world. But that's not possible. They unfold a bandage and wrap the wound carefully, trying to avoid bending too much. It's not properly clean but they find they're having trouble caring. It's not like it's going to last long anyway.

As if to confirm their thoughts about not being able to stay here, there's a hammering on the door, before it bursts open to reveal Abbie looking impatient. Phoenix's heart pounds. So someone did notice them. They should've expected it, she's too observant for anything else.

"What on earth are you doing in here? There's lots to do, hurry up and stop idling around."

Phoenix shivers but gestures to themself anyway, to their rucked up t-shirt and bloody hands, and the mess of thread and bandages. They're grateful they at least got the wound bandaged first – if Abbie decides to 'test' it, it won't hurt quite so much.

"Unless you, um, you want blood everywhere, I need to, um, finish this first, sir," they say quietly, heart pounding. They're talking back. They're talking back. That's against the rules. And they really, desperately don't want to go in the cupboard again, or lose their powers when they hurt so much already, but it will be their own fault if that happens.

Their throat is tight, filling with unshed tears. They wish Abbie wasn't here so they could let them loose.

"Please, sir," they whisper, begging, pleading. They need more time. They need to finish this bandaging, and change, and clean up a bit so they look halfway respectable. It's not fair, sending them to work so soon after almost dying again. It's not fair.

It is. It is fair. It's not like they can die, it's fine. They're fine. There's no need for special treatment.

But god, it hurts. They'd break down and cry if it wasn't for the fact that they know what Abbie and her friends' reaction will be. Not pretty, that's for sure.

"Please."

Abbie raises an eyebrow. "You remembered your manners this time, that's good. Five minutes. And I expect the room spotless, and you to pay for that time."

"Yes, sir."

That's okay, it's about what they'd expected. It's fine.

Fine.

Abbie nods sharply and slams the door behind her on her way out.

Phoenix pulls Mr Frosty to them. For a moment, they don't care about the damage to the stitches caused by them bending over the stuffed toy. They just need the comfort. That's more important than anything right now.

And then they get to work. They feel like they might faint, or vomit, or both, but they brush that aside. They can't afford to consider that. Not now.

Later, maybe. Later. But certainly not now.

Edit: forgot the taglist: @extrabitterbrain @wolfeyedwitch @whumpinggrounds @painful-pooch

[hallucinateonpaperspines]

what would Ashley do if she was in the hobbit or lord of the rings verse ?

...

(Cue binge-watching the extended edition LOTR/The Hobbit while rifling through the Silmarillion like I'm possessed)

Me dragging Ashlyn into this world like:

Okay, so let's say Ashlyn is just minding her own business. Just walking through her house one morning, and then what do you know, when she turns a corner in the hallway, all of a sudden she's in a dark forest that looks nothing like the one outside her window.

She stands there for a moment. Just taking it in.

The tree roots twisting out of the earth, thicker than her in some places, the eerie silence but for branches cracking under the stress of the wind, and dry leaves shuffling about. And the smell; something sharp and pungent. Like compost and yeast mixed together.

This is not the woods of her home. This is a forest tinged with something other.

In fact, it's Mirkwood.

But she doesn't figure that out until a little later. Not until she trips on an ever-so-thin gossamer thread and alerts the predators hiding above of a new meal. And as she runs, having flashbacks to a robotic drider as this new monster hisses and gnashes its fangs, Ashlyn doesn't have time to take in any information about this new world. Not of the spider's growingly descriptive screeches. Not of how dying brown leaves are turning a fresh green, and most certainly not the wiz of arrows flying overhead as she ducks and slides between tree roots. It doesn't even hit as Ashlyn accidentally tackles one of her would-be saviors and is met with the pointed-eared edition of Orlando Bloom.

It really only hits once she's been dragged before Thranduil's throne and a very annoyed Elf-King wants to know how a human wandered into the heart of the forest without being seen.

Ashlyn, still working through her minor shock of the situation remains silent and unblinking. She. Just. Stares. Of course, Thranduil being a drama queen at heart, is naturally offended at being ignored.

"Do you still have your tongue, child? Or are rendered mute by your own stupidity?" "Well, clearly being incapable of speech wouldn't have much bearing on intelligence if you're concerned about me undermining your security... unless you had low expectations for your own systems, which would be understandable considering you have spider demons nesting at the heart of your lands."

Tauriel choking back a laugh does not help the situation. Unluckily, the sass is unappreciated and a trip to the dungeons is promptly arranged.

"WAIT! What about a trial? I HAVE RIGHTS!"

Fortunately, the continued sass seems to solidify Ashlyn's growing reputation as a fool regardless of her questionable origins. This is useful. Fun Fact: Not even elves think to look up, and a dungeon carved into rock and spotted with plant growth has so many handholds.

Ashlyn books it immediately, taking a page out of Bilbo's book and dropping out via the underground river.

Following said river, she eventually makes it to Lake Town. The sight of a shivering woman, thankfully, plucks at the honorable Bard's heartstrings, and he agrees to offer shelter for a night.

Ashlyn meanwhile is plotting. The world of Middle-Earth is so complex, so detailed, that there is no possible way so could ever hope to manipulate it. Not without a degree (in spirit or otherwise) in Tolkin. She can't even speak Elvish! It's a small mercy that the Common language appears to be English in the first place!

And so, eating a fishy stew, lamenting the absence of seasonings other than salt, Ashlyn's mind starts to turn. She doesn't know why or how she's here, let alone if there is a way to go back. What she does know is that Lake Town hasn't been burnt down, the Wood Elf King hasn't fixed the barrel-riding weak spot in his security, and that, yes, elf hair is gorgeous and she needs to find out what magical shampoo they're using.

Also, Gandalf should exist around here somewhere.

Gandalf.

The wizard might be able to help her, at the very least he would be a helpful ally, but Ashlyn doesn't know how she would be able to find him. She doesn't know much beyond the basics of Middle-Earth to begin with.

...

But what if she could change that?

And as such, Ashlyn's quest begins. Roaming through the lands of Middle-Earth seeking knowledge of all kinds as well as a weird old grey man who's particularly talented at smoking. Preferably finding said old man before evil incarnate wakes up.

Cue the travel montage and shenanigans as this woman tries to find her way to the Shire, the one place she's sure the wizard will show up at eventually, only to end up virtually everywhere else.

A short detour to the Iron Hills and she learns that Gimli wasn't lying when he preached about dwarven hospitality. Dáin Iornfoot was an absolute hoot, and the food was delicious. One can never go wrong with meat on the menu. That and she managed to nab a few knives and forks before leaving. Very productive stay even if no grey-hatted man appeared.

Mordor? Why yes Boromir, one can walk into it quite easily when one doesn't use the gates and doesn't even know where they're walking in the first place. She managed to learn some orcish curses out of that excursion.

Beorn's farm was a nice surprise, the bear-man was a surprisingly good cook and was kind enough to offer directions.

Avoiding Gondor, Ashlyn did find herself roaming Rohan for a bit. Mucking out some stalls earned her some coin, as well as selling off some of the supplies Beorn gave her. The bear had a nose for quality honey. Fortunately, there is no Grima to tempt her ire, turns out the creep hasn't been born yet, so Ashlyn gets by relatively well. The riders find her ineptitude with horse riding to be simultaneously hilarious and pitiful. Its Rohan. The land of the Horse Lords Girls. They are teaching her how to ride a freaking horse. She takes the free lessons. Both in horse welfare and Rohirric.

 She also takes a horse, but that's another bit of business entirely.

Carrying on, Ashlyn wanders her way through Bree. One night she thinks she might see a bearded child roaming through the wilderness wailing, but the rangers she comes across laugh her concerns off.

She's repeatedly disappointed that none of them go by Strider.

As months go by, she gets a little bit more unhinged. Her hair is a bird nest that would make Radegast the Brown green in envy. Her concept of the timelines becomes more distorted, and a few travelers who come across her ranting to the stars spread rumors of an insane witch wandering the wilderness.

Her Gollum-like attitude towards books does not help this conception.

Gandalf is enjoying himself immensely at this turn of events. It's not every day one has a little fan so determinedly following him. Or one with quiet so interesting luck. He can see why Thranduil has reportedly banned a foul-mouthed and audacious woman-child from Greenwood.

Barely been here for a year and she's already making heads spin. It has been some time since a blessed of the Valar has walked, or skulked, through these lands. The presence of Estë and Lórien is strong with her. Healing and Visions. He can't help but wonder what in potential those two in particular see.

The wizard can't help but smile as he smokes on his pipe and listens to Saruman quake on about a book-stealing wraith that's been disrupting his usual merchant's business.

Perhaps he should introduce himself to the little shadow soon.

[2x4plank]

Okay, time for TWDG ANF. The reason this one took me way longer is my disinterest was...great.

I was kinda with it at first. I liked the dark outdoors that required a flashlight and the introduction of the herd that would be a common thread throughout the story.

But then Mariana got her own trench and I think that's when the problems started to really show. Couple that with Francine's death, and I just started to notice a pattern of killing off characters we barely got any time with. And also that I had no attachment to the surviving characters either. It was like...we need to pad this character out? Just kill a girl or woman in their life!

Not to say that Season 2 didn't have its fair share of characters dying too early (see: Sarah especially). Nor was there an absence of women being used to pad out a man's backstory (see: Sarita). But I was still invested in the drama of the surviving characters. I still really wanted to see what happened next. I would think about watching something but realize TWDG was what I wanted to engage with most despite its flaws.

TNF was a slog, though. The characters felt bland and I was waiting for their personalities to drop. But then they just...didn't? And the story kept going?

The love triangle really wasn't doing it for me. I understood Kate wanting to leave an abusive relationship. She looked way better and healthier away from David, but I don't really feel like they explored that enough. Like maybe a more Kate-centric focus would've been cool. The apocalypse served as an opportunity to escape and she's faced with not only the threat of an apocalypse but having to face her abuser again? That's scary. That's terrifying. If you're going to include this element, I say you commit and do it respectfully.

But we don't really get enough of Kate. It's just mostly portrayed as over once she gets with Javi (if she does get with Javi), but my playthrough, David was at least dead. So I guess that's an escape in itself. Sorta. Kinda.

I wasn't really feeling David. I'm fine with villains, but this guy was just a jerk. Not even a jerk where I want to see what happens with him. I just wanted him to die.

Javi is fine, but he just feels like he's "nice" and I'm not really feeling a need to see what happens to this guy or buy any stickers of him.

The whole Richmond thing is really not well-explored. Yes, these people were benefitting from pillaging other communities. But now we have to save this town. Don't worry about all the destroyed communities. We gotta worry about this one. I mean, that's a pretty interesting problem to explore. Like something you might want to reckon with, struggling with the fact that you absolutely need security and food in an apocalypse but it's apparently been coming at the cost of others. Entire towns of people.

To be fair, it's not totally the citizens' fault. I suppose they were lied to. I guess. But I'm pretty sure Richmond didn't have the best known policies either, and they were probably okay with that. So, I don't know...

I have no idea what happened with Joan. Like you're given the option to shoot her but I didn't and she killed Tripp. I didn't care enough to replay to see what happens or even read about what happens, but she really has no presence as a villain. I don't really care enough to hate her. Of course, I don't like what she's doing, but like, whatever.

Speaking of Tripp versus Ava, I only wanted to keep Tripp alive because he didn't really feel involved. He just kinda tagged along. And then Ava was just mean (before she comically falls to her death). You steal someone's baby and you show up just to tell them to get over it. The same person who helped you avoid a hoarde of walkers. Wow, you are...likeable. I didn't care about Tripp either. There are two things I remember about him:

His face looks really stupid on the gameover screen when you're gunning Mitch's group down on the barricades of Prescott.

He is really annoying about his crush on Eleanor during inappropriate times.

Apparently Conrad could live or something. I just shot him because he threatened two kids. Sure, Gabe held him at gunpoint first, but it still felt a little cruel. I don't really expect him to add anything to the story, so I'm not replaying for that either.

I hear that Gabriel is a pretty hated character, but I definitely don't hate him. He was a little stupid, but he was really young and going through some stuff, so I can let that slide. That being said, he wasn't someone I really cared about either. Which is odd, because TWDG was pretty good with its child characters. I chose to go after him second and his death scene happened. And the ending really felt like they just put a sticky note of him up and got over it.

I felt like the doctor and Javi's father were the two most relatable characters. The doctor was over it and the father was over it but only spoke in jokes. The father's jokes were better than most of the humor in this season, as the seasonal humor felt very "Well, that just happened!" Marvel-esqeue and I didn't really feel like it had its own identity. I felt like it'd be harder to separate the humor from the earlier seasons from the situation the characters are in, but this round just felt empty.

Also, those graphics were...something. It seems like they upped the realism for the main characters, but those walkers... Uh... Yeah, those are... They're walking, I guess.

Speaking of the walkers, I feel like they were wasting all those guts. They mowed through walkers and could've used that to dress themselves, but they just didn't. They really need to get into mass-smashing walkers so they can cover up, but I guess that'd not be very fun. The news about the infection tends to spread on a person-to-person basis, but there was someone in the group who knew what to do, so they should've gutted-up.

And then there's Paul/Jesus. I feel like the best contribution this guy made to the story was having one of the ending cards read, "Did you believe in Jesus?" or something to that effect. Otherwise, he was annoying. He's also a part of the action problem, where it feels like these characters fight too well and the clunky aspect I love in many survival horror games is gone. What qualified for cool action to me was like...Clementine sliding underneath the tree or Lee kicking Andy into the fence after they tussled. He was literally running up walls and whatnot. I'm just not with it at all. I discussed my feelings on Molly and I need to submit a formal apology because I didn't realize just how bad it could get. I'm sorry girl.

I will say I'm a little worried about season four but I'm sure ANF won't have much to do with it, so I need to put my fear aside and just get into it. It's just, the direction it went in is not what I wanted from this series and is not something I want to engage with again. Thanks for reading all this!

And also Clementine was there.

[notoyax17]

Small moments in the MCU that STICK with you

I remember there was a thread on reddit about the small moments in the MCU that impacted you the most. For me that moment was the scene in the first Avengers movie where Tony flies through the portal and sees Thanos' fleet as he lets go of the nuke.

And just stares at it.

And in every movie Tony Stark appeared in since then, it's easy to get the sense that, in the background (or foreground) of Tony's mind there's just that constant sense of existential dread.

The MCU hand waves a lot of stuff, and I don't even think they meant to play this storyline as well as they did later on, but it made for interesting contrasts between Tony and the other Avengers.

The Avengers, both as individuals and as a group are very NOW focused. Their job is to avenge after all; to solve a problem in progress or to right a wrong committed after the fact. And up until that movie, Tony was like that too, even if he occasionally turned to handling things like legacy, it just wasn't his primary focus.

And then the invasion happened, the writing was on the wall, and it suddenly seemed hard for him to focus on the here and now (the foreground in your vision) when there was something big and glaring going to happen in the future (the background/distance).

It guides his decisions in the next several movies.

And it aches, a little, to know that he spent half a decade essentially screaming the truth into the void, knowing that no one truly believed him, wouldn't see what he thought was so obvious until it was too late.

But the thing that interests me the most, is how Tony handles the aftermath of what is essentially the apocalypse in Endgame. Tony is the only one to actually be a peace, more or less, after that 5 year time skip.

Bruce is happy, but quick to jump at the chance to change things.

Steve and Natasha are struggling to be okay and are more or less going through the motions.

Clint and Thor are both lost and unable to move on in very different ways.

I always got the impression that it was easier for Tony to move forward not because he was a futurist or because he hadn't lost "enough" but because, well...

It wasn't as bad as he was expecting it to be.

Infinity War's ending gave us a much softer apocalypse than the visions/dreams of what Tony expected to happen. No one was enslaved, the deaths were relatively pain free, the majority of the world didn't see it coming and didn't have to sit through hours/days of fighting and fear like you would through a war or a storm. It just happened and then that was it. Everyone was affected and the world was, for now, united in its grief.

It was like finally going through something that the mere thought of has scared you for so long only to realize that, yes... I can survive this.

And Tony is, more than anything else, a survivor. He takes the changes as they come, makes them manageable and continues moving on. Like being captured for months, having an electromagnet in his chest, making major changes in his company, nearly dying several times, losing and/or killing loved ones and so on. That is not to say that he handles them with ease or very well every single time. But the moment he does decide that "this is just how it is," Tony tends to buck up and get on board fully.

Natasha comes the closest to being able to handle major changes in her life that well and even then, it's more like she faking it until she makes it as opposed to fully absorbing the changes as the new normal.

Half of everyone died, but close to half of everyone was still left. The world was still spinning and as long as that remained the case, things were manageable... fixable. So he fixed what he could and went on in the new normal.

He's had years to grieve the end of the world before anyone else even knew it was coming, after all.

[bookishjules]

okay, so i just listened to the ‘feeling rotten’ episode of kraig’s retirement party (glory to kraig)

i’m gonna rope @lifeofbrybooks into this, because i have a compliment for the both of you. i have never enjoyed podcasts until this one. i got so much work done while just listening to you guys bouncing theories off each other, and it was fun. so thank you for proving podcasts can actually be fun to listen to

secondly, i listened to it because you had a theory similar to mine about the gun and why kit can fire it, and i agree with each of your points, but like what bry (at least i think it was bry) said, i’m just lost on why lucie wouldn’t be able to trigger the gun

so I COMBINED TWO OF YOUR THEORIES (i could have potentially zoned out and you may have done this already)

what if lucie could trigger the gun, but because she didn’t have a propelling factor (like the gracelet or kit blasting the riders into ‘thin air’ or links to the shadow world) she can’t unlock it?? if something happens between her and jesse (like you know the snippet where lucie can no longer touch jesse in cot for some reason), could she potentially then be able to fire the gun?

idk i’m tired and i’m probably just doing that one meme where he’s like i connected the dots! and the other guy is like you didn’t connect shit

hello love!!

first of all. I was not ready for that compliment. help 🙈 literally tearing up. I LOVE that you were still able to enjoy our silly chaotic podcast despite.. well everything lol but especially since you didn't have a positive view of podcasts before?? like I'm sorry?? blows my mind tbh and i just.. ugh I'm giving you a kiss on the forehead <3

OKAY. as for the theory...

I love the idea that Lucie has the ability to shoot the gun but just hasn't unlocked it yet. Bry and I discussed recently the potential for needing something to amplify or direct energy/magic in order to shoot the gun (maybe on top of already-established extra demon blood?). If this is how Kit's powers work as is, it would make sense if this (or he, himself?) allows him to shoot the gun. Bry suggested that maybe the gracelet acted in the same way for James, but we did a search of Chain of Iron and were reminded that the gracelet is already off (good fucking riddance) by the time the battle with Belial/Lilith happens and James shoots the gun. SO unless the gracelet has some sort of residual power over James, I don't think it was that which allowed him to shoot the gun. I also don't think the gracelet would have been able to unlock something in him, since it was working so hard to mask his true emotions etc.

your thought about the connection to the shadow realm being a "compelling factor" tho... and thinking about Lucie not being able to touch Jesse. It feels very like.. if she's begun to be given to the pull of the shadow realm because of the shady necromantic shit.. could that then make her able to use the gun in chot. gosh i would kill for that.

I feel like there are so many possible explanations for, or readings of, that snippet with Lucie saying she can't touch Jesse. but what if she gave part of her life force or solidity to Jesse in order to make him the way he is and therefore she exists in part in shadows? what if she had to take energy from the shadow realm to bring him here, or what if she rooted him in the shadow realm? I just LOVE the idea of Lucie having access to the shadow realm in some way too, for that to be the power source of sorts that her and Jamie's powers tie into. And if Lucie touches that in some way now and she's able to shoot the gun...

hmm vanishing into thin air and pulling things from thin air seems to be a common thread for our (supposedly) three special gun-slinging Herondales doesn't it?? I wonder how much that means.

so I guess in answer to your theory/question.. yes. I can absolutely see that happening. and I am dying for more thoughts and I can't wait for chot so we can see if Lucie gets to be a piece of this puzzle!!!

(also it's been a bit since I've listened to that episode, so sorry if I repeated anything I said there!!)

[sesamestreep]

22 for your choice of pairing - even if I don’t know the fandom! 😘❤️ (so sorry COVID has fucked your holiday plans, that really really sucks 😔) love you!!

#22 - falling asleep on the other’s shoulder

“Are you sure this is going to make you feel better?” Jess asks, not sounding convinced.

“You said I could pick any movie!” Nick shouts, from his spot on the couch.

“I know, I know,” she says, gently. “I just thought you’d pick something...nicer...”

“‘Die Hard’ is the best movie ever made and it’s the only thing that will bring me comfort right now!”

“Okay, then, we are going to watch ‘Die Hard’,” Jess says, settling next to him on the couch. “Because tonight is all about making you feel better. We’ve got pizza. We’ve got beer. We’ve got other snacks in the kitchen. We’ve got two whole boxes of tissues, because this is a no-judgment zone if you—or anybody else, for that matter—needs to cry about anything at all.”

Nick sighs loudly. “Jess, I swear, I’m really fine,” he says, even though he knows it won’t make a difference. “So what if Julia dumped me? Who cares? I don’t need love. I’m like a lone wolf!”

“The most successful wolves live in packs, though,” she says, eyebrows drawn together in concern. “Wolves that go it alone are, like, sick and dying, usually.”

“Is that true?!”

“Yes.”

“Why would you tell me that, Jess?”

“Oh, Nick—”

“I’m in a very emotional place right now!”

“No, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m thinking of another animal! Not wolves! A different animal, that’s not cute at all. Those are the ones that...die alone...”

“Jesus,” Nick says, hanging his head. “You are so bad at this.”

“Okay, well,” she exclaims, waving the remote at him desperately, “let’s just let John Wayne do the cheering up, then. Let’s start the movie!”

“It’s John McClane, Jess. Not John Wayne.”

“My bad,” she mutters, and presses play.

Normally, Jess would not be his first choice for cheering him up after a breakup, but her method of picking a movie you love and watching it on repeat until you feel better did help her move on from the flaming wreckage of a six year relationship not that long ago, so maybe she’s onto something. When she’d suggested it, though, everyone was supposed to be here to support him, but Winston’s girlfriend got the night off from work unexpectedly and Schmidt is stuck at the office for like the fourth night in a row, so it’s just him and Jess tonight.

She’s never seen ‘Die Hard’ before, which he finds both unbelievable and completely unsurprising at the same time, somehow. It doesn’t really seems like her kind of thing, if he’s being honest, since there’s no cartoon bunnies or dramatic makeover scenes or characters expressing themselves through dance in it, but she hangs in there pretty well. She gasps and hides her face in his shoulder when Takagi dies, but that scene is kind of gross, so Nick can’t really fault her for it. When she doesn’t move her head off his shoulder, he briefly panics, but reassures himself that she’s probably just anticipating another gory scene and it’s not because she wants to cuddle or something.

“You know, this movie has a fascinating thread of economic anxiety running through it,” she whispers, about forty minutes in. “John McClane’s insecurity about his wife being financially independent from him and using her maiden name at work, not to mention the fear at this time that Japanese companies were outperforming American ones in many—”

“Jess, please, I’m begging you. Don’t try to make ‘Die Hard’ smart!”

“But it is, Nick! There’s a lot of interesting subtext here!”

“I believe you, okay?” He says. “But right now, I only want to watch this movie because Bruce Willis shoots everybody and gets the girl in the end!”

“Spoilers, Nick!”

“This movie is twenty years old! It’s not my fault you’re the only person on Earth who hasn’t seen it!”

“Fine,” Jess says, hunkering down further against his side. He really does not know why she hasn’t moved yet.

Another twenty minutes pass before Nick hears himself asking, “Is that what girls want?”

“What?” Jess asks, distracted. “Oh. Reginald VelJohnson? Totally.”

“No, not—wait, really? That’s what you’re into?”

Jess rolls her eyes. “Duh. He’s picking up doughnuts for his pregnant wife! He’s a good man.”

“Not Bruce Willis?”

“Not until he learns a thing or two about womens’ equality,” she says, wrinkling her nose. “Is that what you were asking? If women want John McClane?”

“Yeah,” he admits with a shrug that jostles her a little. “Sorry.”

She doesn’t seem deterred by it at all, which is nice. Not that he needs her to keep snuggling against him or anything, but it’s kind of comforting in a weird way.

“Maybe some girls do. But I think John McClane is meant to appeal more to you than to me.“

“Me? Really?”

“Yeah, it’s like...every guy who sees this movie is supposed to be thinking to himself, you know, ‘if that were me, I’d save everybody too! I’d outsmart the terrorists and be the hero!’”

“But isn’t that the guy you’d want to be with?”

“I already told you, my heart belongs to Reginald VelJohnson,” she says, hand to heart and everything. “But I think what you’re actually asking me is what Julia wanted.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you but I don’t think she broke up with you because you haven’t dropped enough C4 down enough elevator shafts.”

Nick laughs, without meaning to. “That sounds like a very unfortunate euphamism.”

“Ugh,” Jess gags, punching his shoulder. “Don’t be gross!”

“I’m sorry!”

“I’m trying to say that your problem isn’t that you’re not McClane-y enough.”

“So what is my problem, then?

“I’m not going to diagnose you, Nick! That’s what therapy is for!”

“Come on, Jess. I’m broke, I don’t have insurance. You know I can’t afford a real therapist. You deal with middle school boys all day, you’re the next best thing.”

“Well, since you’re already comparing yourself to a middle school boy,” Jess says, “I might suggest your confidence needs a little work.”

“No kidding,” Nick says, unimpressed.

“I’m serious,” she says. “You are a great guy, Nick! You just get so in your head about everything that you sabotage your own happiness. You tried to read meaning into every little thing Julia did and you freaked her out. Just believe in yourself a little bit for once!”

“Hey, remember when tonight was supposed to be about making me feel better?” He asks, stunned. It’s not like he didn’t know that was part of his problem, but it just feels a thousand times worse knowing that Jess knows it too.

“You heard the part where I called you a great guy, right?“ she asks, and she has the decency to look slightly embarrassed. When he just glares at her, she adds, “Listen, if you want to feel better, I’ll be honest: Julia messed up too. I mean, you had one small panic attack about a cactus and that’s it for her? You need somebody who will stick with you through those rough patches, and Julia couldn’t do that. So I think you’re better off.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s like—you need somebody who gets you. And I don’t think she got you,” Jess says, gesturing wildly with her beer bottle. “But what do I know? It’s not like I’m an expert. I’m as single as you are.”

He wishes she wouldn’t remind him of that, because it’s only going to make the fact that they’ve spent the entire night watching a movie and basically cuddling very weird for him. He’s always thought she was cute—it’s part of why he was so against her moving into the loft in the beginning, because he knew one of them was going to end up with a crush on her eventually—but she’s also somehow managed to become one of his best friends over these last few months, which means he needs to be careful. He’s got a good track record when it comes to keeping friends, but he’s terrible at relationships; the whole thing with Julia had basically proved that. Against all odds, Jess has becomes important enough in his life that he needs to avoid any confusing, romantic feelings about her so their friendship won’t be ruined. He is not going to screw this up, no matter what.

“In conclusion,” he says, to hide the fact that he’s been thinking about her all this time, “be more like Reginald VelJohnson and my romantic troubles will be over.”

“Exactly,” Jess replies, with a grin.

They settle into an easy silence then that lasts the rest of the movie. Oddly enough, Nick realizes he is actually starting to feel better. Maybe Jess is onto something with this breakup coping strategy of hers. He’s about to say as much to her, when he hears her snore quietly next to him. He cranes his neck carefully and discovers that she’s asleep against his shoulder. She might be drooling a little bit, too.

Nick waits for the panic to settle in—this is way too domestic and familiar for two people who are just friends—but it doesn’t happen. It’s actually kind of nice, sitting here with her, knowing she’s so comfortable with him. He could get used to this, he thinks, as the credits roll on the movie and he cues it up to start from the beginning again.

[the-lonelybarricade]

Hiii!! I've been following your work since the beginning and i just wanted to give u a big squeeze of a hug for blessing us with all of your fics 'cause i feel like we don't deserve u for blessing us with all these wonderful feysand content that u are sharing.

I hope all is well with ur life and in ur studies, and if it's not too much to ask, would you consider writing a feysand au where Feyre & Rhys aren't mates, but are happily in love and in a relationship--when all of a sudden, one of them meets their mate (preferably Rhys..?) or something like that 😚. Won't lie to u that im dying to know what events would play out and how Feyre would react if this scenario happened. Really no pressure to write this or anything just wanted to try my luck with this idea :DD. Thank u!

Bestie, ooof. What are you trying to do to me? Can you imagine how heartbreaking that would be for Feysand to be happy and in love, waiting patiently for the mating bond to snap only to find out they were star-crossed lovers all along? Well you don’t have to imagine it, because I already have. And if I’m going to be in torment over Feysand angst, I’m (affectionately) dragging you all down with me.

P.s. thank you for the submission lovely, I hope you enjoy <3

The Chains That Bind Us

Word count: 1,956

⟡⟡⟡

Feyre and Rhysand were happily married. For 300 years, they had basked in what seemed like an infinite stretch of rapture, working alongside and complimenting each other with a grace and chemistry that had always felt predestined. They had always been certain they were mates, but time had flowed on and neither had felt the inkling of that special, magic bond.

They have resigned that perhaps the mating bond will never snap, perhaps that’s simply not what they were to one another, but that was okay. It was enough to be husband and wife, to be High Lord and Lady, to be happy and in love. They didn’t need a mating bond to reaffirm what they felt for one another. Things were already perfect as they were.

Until they weren’t. Until they had journeyed together to Illyria to oversee the announcement of the first all-female battalion. It had been a long term goal of Rhysand and his brothers to finally battle back the long ingrained sexism of Illyrian culture, and the visit was meant to be a celebration. A liberating ceremony, in honor of their mothers and all the females who had been victims of prejudice.

But when the leader of the battalion stepped forward to be acknowledged for her accomplishments, Rhysand had gone rigid at Feyre’s side, his breathing suddenly ragged. His pupils were blown wide, eyes fixed, riveted to the female.

Feyre felt her whole world had imploded in that moment. Especially when that female’s eyes had met her High Lord’s and had frozen just the same, the two bearing matched expressions of awe and disbelief.

She was certain she was going to be sick. Such a thing would be far from befitting of a High Lady, so Feyre had immediately winnowed back to their River House, back into their bathroom where she was instantly emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl.

Rhysand was there not too long after, holding back Feyre’s hair. They said nothing to each other, not until Feyre had recovered enough to turn and face her husband.

She was entirely unprepared for the way her heart shattered to meet his face, to meet those lovely eyes she had loved for centuries. Eyes that had only moments before been staring at another female with so much blind devotion it had torn her open.

“Feyre—” he started.

“I suppose we should have assumed that something like this could happen,” she interrupted, because she couldn’t bear to hear him apologize. Not for something like this, something that was entirely out of either of their control.

“It doesn’t change anything,” he insisted, but there was a strain to his voice that had never been present before. A bite that Feyre was convinced was the result of Rhysand battling against his instincts to return to Illyria, to that female.

“It changes everything, Rhys.”

She was already weeping as she choked the words out, because speaking them made them true. Those few centuries of bliss between them, they were a bubble, a perfectly crafted delusion that had finally popped.

“I love you,” Rhys seethed, as though arguing with himself. “I don’t even know that females name—”

“It doesn’t matter, Rhys. She’s your—”

“Don’t say it,” he begged, his voice a broken rasp. “Please, don’t say it.”

Somehow, that made it impossibly worse. That Rhys had been gifted this incredible, Cauldron-blessed thing, but was scorning it for her sake. Most Fae dreamed of the moment their mating bond would snap, and here was her husband acting as if it was his worst nightmare.

But Feyre knew what it was like for males. She knew he was clawing against every instinct in his mind, screaming at him to go to his mate, to know her name, to claim her. Feyre stifled another sob. Rejected mating bonds could drive a male mad. How could she ever think to do that to him? How could she deny him this piece of himself?

What broke her heart more than anything is that Feyre knew he would. Rhysand would reject his bond, would let that intrinsic part of his soul be torn away, for her sake. If Feyre asked, he would stay. He would stay and be miserable.

“I can’t do this to you, Rhys. I can’t force you to stay with me out of duty. I will not be your jailor.”

“You are my wife,” Rhys choked, reaching for her hand. He drew her palms to his face, allowing her to caress his cheeks. He shut his eyes as he nuzzled into her touch, causing his unshed tears to fall, racing down to collect at her hands. “You are my High Lady. You are the only one I want to be with.”

That wrecked another sob through Feyre’s body, which came out as a harsh exhale as she tried to restrain it. “You’d be a broken male without her, Rhys. The Cauldron—” she sucked in a strangled breath. Some truths were just too difficult to confront— “The Cauldron didn’t intend for us to be together.”

“Damn the Cauldron,” he growled, reaching for her with newfound conviction. “No one and nothing can decide who I love. No one can tell me that you are not who I belong with—who I belong to.”

Feyre allowed him to bundle her in his arms, to press her fiercely against his chest. She knew moments like this were fleeting, where they could hold each other as husband and wife. Already, their love was tarnished. Tainted. Blood spilled onto white snow. How long would it take for this mating bond to seep, to spill into the cracks, to spread until it consumed them? She couldn’t see an outcome where they could stay together unblemished, where they wouldn’t come to resent one another.

“Rhysand, listen to me love,” Feyre said, and found that her voice was steadier than she anticipated. “I care more about you being happy than I care about that happiness being found with me. Do you understand?”

“I would not be happier without you, Feyre.” His voice was ripe with earnesty. When she turned those eyes to meet his, those violet depths were burning, the silver constellations completely eclipsed by molten amethyst. He swallowed thickly. “Do I… want that female? Yes.” Feyre cringed to hear her husband admit it outloud. “But, that is just my instincts. I will be able to manage them with time. This bond is nascent. My love for you? It’s endured for centuries. The cauldron is not faultless; my parents were mates and they were miserable together. I could never imagine someone so perfect to walk beside me as you, Feyre. I do not seek another, no matter what fate has to say for it.”

Feyre allowed the comfort of his words to wash over her. She rested her head against Rhysand’s shoulder, inhaling his familiar scent, letting herself lavish in the rhythm of him, the beat of his heart steady in his chest.

“I will understand if you change your mind,” she whispered. “I do not hold you to your vows. If you become unhappy, if one day you cannot resist the pull you feel towards her… I will not hold it against you. I give you permission to… to leave me.”

Rhys let out a small, rueful laugh before he pressed a tender kiss to her temple. “How could I desert a love that is so selfless? The least I could do in the wake of such a declaration is promise to never see that female again.”

Feyre shook her head emphatically. “Don’t promise me that, Rhys. Just—just promise me that we’ll always be honest with each other. That we’ll always be a team, whether it be as rulers, or as lovers, or… or just as friends.”

“I promise,” he swore. “I vowed on my court and crown that I will love you for eternity. And I still know that to be true, even now. My soul… it might belong to someone else. But my heart, Feyre, it will always belong to you.”

There was something irreparably changed between them. They both knew it, could sense the way it lingered between them. The first crack, and possibly not the last. What they had was fragile now, but they had a gift for being delicate with one another.

The silence hung between them, a wretched, discomfiting presence that had never been there before. Both not quite sure what to say, not quite sure where this put them. She watched Rhysand’s lower lip quiver, understood that it was from the strain of not burdening her with his own turmoil over the situation.

Feyre tutted as she threw her arms around him, recognizing the signs of his crumbling. Rhys bowed his head in shame, burying his face into her chest.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped against her, releasing a sob of his own. “I’m sorry it couldn’t have been you. I wanted it to be you. I’m a failure of a husband, for putting you through this.”

“You are an excellent husband,” Feyre protested, threading her fingers through his hair soothingly. Her voice was still raw. “I don’t blame you for this, Rhys. I love you just the same.”

He lifted his head so their tear-stained faces were level. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, still glistening in silver. “What do we do now?”

They clung to each other so tightly, as if they pressed hard enough they could redirect fate, could mold their souls together and correct the misdeed of the Cauldron.

“I don’t know,” Feyre answered, burying her face in his shoulder as if it would hide her from the truth of the world. “I suppose we have no choice but to keep going. We’ll find our footing again. Together. And if we don’t… well, maybe we can wish on the stars.”

There was a huff of air at her ear. A laugh, she guessed, or something like it, something wry and humorless. Rhys moved underneath her, and Feyre pulled away to watch in confusion as her husband rose to his feet.

He extended his hand towards her. Curious, Feyre accepted, allowing him to pull her to her feet. In a blink, they were on the rooftop, beneath the stars. She hadn’t even realized the sun had set until she was staring up at the impossibly bright cosmos.

“Where better to find our footing than under those very stars?”

She turned to him, and Rhys was staring at her the way he had on starfall, all those centuries ago. Staring at her as if she were the brightest star in the sky, as though he looked to Feyre to cast his wishes.

“Will you dance with me, wife?”

Not convinced she was capable of speech, Feyre nodded. Using the hand he still held, Rhys twirled her into his arms. And though no music played, they found their own rhythm, lost in the cadence of each other, spinning endlessly under the stars.

As they swayed under the endless expanse of sky and starlight, Feyre mused how even the brightest of stars eventually burned out, but that didn’t make them any less worth wishing on. That didn’t mean they weren’t worth fighting for.

⟡⟡⟡

[elentiyawhitethorn]

When Passion Rules the Game | Part Six

CW: NSFW, language

Part Five//Part Seven//Masterlist//2634 words

Aelin chuckled. “I hate you.”

Rowan grinned, playfully squeezing her ass. “I hate you more.”

“I can’t even wrap my mind around it, though. You like the Wendlyn Eagles. It’s just incomprehensible.”

Rowan smirked. “You’re far too dramatic for your own good.”

“Someone has to be. The rest of the world is filled with some boring ass people, I tell you, Rowan.”

He laughed. “Having met with Chaol Westfall, I can agree with you there.”

A snort that was far from womanly left Aelin’s mouth. “I still can’t believe you had to work on that project with him all day. I felt so bad.”

“You didn’t,” Rowan protested. “You were laughing every time I looked at you.”

“I can’t deny that.”

They both laughed. But the humor slowly dissolved as Rowan trailed his hand along Aelin’s side. The light touch turned greedy as Aelin leaned into him, aching for a rougher touch.

His hand reached for her breast and squeezed. Aelin scooted closer and reached her hand down below the sheets.

Rowan had her hand in his grasp in an instant. “Be patient, sweetheart.”

“I wish you’d stop saying that,” Aelin muttered.

Rowan smirked. “But you need to learn it.”

“Training me to be a good girl for you, hmm?” Aelin scooted closer, the legs that had been casually intertwined now tangled against each other heatedly. “But don’t you want me to make you feel good?” She gave her best puppy dog eyes.

Rowan leaned in and nipped her lower lip. “If you ask nicely.”

“Please let me touch you,” Aelin rasped, fluttering her eyelashes.

Rowan gave her throat a quick squeeze, Aelin letting out a noise of content as he choked her. Then he let go off her entirely, and Aelin moved her hand farther under the sheet.

Rowan’s cock was half-hard when Aelin wrapped her slender fingers around it. He squeezed his eyes shut as Aelin started pumping her hand. She was thoroughly enjoying the small grunt that left his lips as he tried to hold back a groan.

Rowan thrust his hips into Aelin’s hand. She trailed hot, open-mouthed kisses along his neck as she pumped her hand. His cock hardened in her grip, and Aelin felt heat start to build between her legs.

Just when Aelin twisted her wrist and drew a growl out Rowan, he stopped her by flipping their bodies, pinning Aelin underneath him. He didn’t enjoy being the one squirming at someone else’s touch.

“Rowan,” she pleaded. He moved her arms, pinning her wrists over her head with one hand, and brought the other down between her legs. But Rowan only parted her folds with a finger, stroking gently. Aelin bucked her hips, but he only withdrew his hand.

“Please,” she whined. “Please, please, please.”

Rowan chuckled against her skin, licking a stripe up her neck and readjusting his hips so that Aelin was even more trapped under his body.

He slipped his finger inside her entrance, then pulled it back out immediately. “Beg me. Beg me to fuck you.” He roughly fingered her clit, then pulled his hand away entirely.

Aelin complied. Please was the only word in her vocabulary as she whimpered for Rowan to make her feel good. He finger-fucked her for a few minutes before he decided she was behaving well enough to come. Rowan pressed his thumb against her clit, rubbing circles around the sensitive bud of flesh. It didn’t take much for Aelin to be overcome by a massive wave of pleasure.

And when he fucked her, when he flicked her clit as he slammed into her, she came, not even close to satisfied. He didn’t stop moving not just until he came as well, but until she had a third orgasm. When he finally let up, Aelin dropped into a deep slumber, exhausted from his attentions.

—

They were back in the bar. Aelin was talking to a man, a man with silver hair and pine-green eyes. She didn’t know his name, but she wanted to.

“I’m new in town,” he said to her, but Aelin wasn’t concerned with the hazy lust clouding his eyes or the way his gaze dropped to her cleavage. She was thinking about how nice he was, how smart and kind and funny. She didn’t want to drag him in the bathroom, she wanted to tell him that she lo—

An obnoxious beeping filled the room, filled Aelin’s head, turned the man into a blur. Aelin snapped awake, scrambling into a sitting position. Her alarm was going off.

She glanced over at Rowan, drowsily rubbing his eyes beside her, still lying down. “You okay, baby?”

Aelin let out a long exhale, trying to recall what her dream had been about. Rowan, maybe?

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He held her gaze for a moment longer, assessing the sincerity of her statement, then nodded and said, “We should get up. Work’s in an hour.”

Aelin steadied her breathing—what had her dream been?—and expressed her agreement. They climbed out of bed and headed around the house: eating, making coffee, brushing teeth, showering. It had been three months since they’d become friends with benefits, and they had toothbrushes and extra clothing at each other’s homes. It made things much more convenient, not having to wait until the weekend to hook up.

Aelin headed out a few minutes before Rowan, both because arriving at the same time could be suspicious if anyone noticed, and because she had no reason to wait for him. She called a farewell, knowing he had a key to lock her door with. Again, for convenience purposes.

Despite that and the fact that they cuddled often after sex, naked and talking about football teams, their relationship really wasn’t abnormal. They had just become good friends.

Aedion headed into her office only moments after Aelin herself arrived. He looked at her, frowned, and said, “You have a hickey.”

Aelin refused to blush, cursing herself for not even bothering to look in the mirror other than for a quick hair brush and some light lipstick. She merely leaned back in her chair, threaded her fingers in front of her on the desk, and said, “We have an issue with the camera in the main elevator.”

Aedion sighed and took a seat. “We’ll have it fixed by lunchtime. Still playing with your boy toy?”

Aelin rolled her eyes. “Get over yourself, Aedion.”

He snorted. “Me? You’re the one—”

“We are not having this conversation again,” Aelin interrupted. “Especially not here. Go fix the camera.” She tended to be relatively kind to her employees, and merely icy to the ones who pissed her off, but having grown up with Aedion, she tended to have a shorter temper when he was around.

A huff was all she got in reply before Aedion stood. He left, shutting the door gently—they had a silent agreement not to let their petty arguments disturb anyone else—and leaving Aelin alone. She pulled out her phone and swiped to the camera app, then took a look at her neck.

There was a dark bruise on the side, and Aelin breathed a sigh of relief. That would be easy to cover with her hair, unable to do anything less temporary during work. She pulled her blonde locks over that side and made a mental note to keep them there. Good thing she hadn’t passed many people on the way in.

Then she thought back to what had went down when Aedion had first walked in on her and Rowan, oh so long ago.

—

“What the fuck are you doing, Aelin?”

Aelin tensed. This wasn’t going to be fun.

She glanced over at Rowan, who looked part defensive and part confused. He probably didn’t realize Aedion was her cousin, though he might recognize him vaguely from work.

“You can go, Rowan. I’ll take care of this.”

He hesitated, looking back and forth between the pair. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I can handle him.”

Aedion snorted at that, but Aelin didn’t dignify him with a glance.

“Okay, but I…” Rowan trailed off.

Right. Aelin was still wearing his shirt.

“Um”—Aelin sent Aedion a smile—“We’ll be right back.” He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, and he flashed a saccharine grin.

Mentally dying from embarrassment, Aelin grabbed Rowan’s wrist and dragged him down the hallway. Not bothering to say anything to him, she yanked off his shirt, tossed it to him, and opened her drawer.

“So that was… a friend?”

Aelin yanked on some underwear and sweats. She looked in a different drawer for a t-shirt. “My cousin. Aedion. He works security.”

“Ah.” What was different about Rowan’s tone after she said that? What was he thinking?

Aelin turned back around, fully dressed now. Rowan’s gaze was fixed on the wall, rather than watching her as she dressed. Apparently all desire had disappeared, replaced by awkwardness.

“He won’t tell anyone.” Rowan’s eyes snapped to Aelin. “He’s very protective of me, but as annoyed as he’ll undoubtedly be, he won’t say anything.”

Rowan nodded. “Good.”

They didn’t say anything more. Aelin nodded. Rowan nodded, too.

“Well,” Aelin said finally. “See you at work on Monday.”

Rowan laughed lightly. “Yeah, see you.”

They left the bedroom and Rowan walked ahead of Aelin to the door. He gave a tight nod to Aedion, who didn’t return the gesture. Aelin sighed.

Once Rowan was out the door, Aelin smiled brightly. “Take a seat.”

“I’m good here.”

She ignored his tone and plumped onto the couch. “Want anything to eat?”

“What are you doing?”

“That’s none of your business, Aed.”

He frowned. “He works for you.”

“I know what I’m doing,” Aelin snapped.

Aedion pushed off the wall and stalked forward, dropping on the couch next to her. “You’re his boss. He’s probably just trying to get a promotion.”

A scowl crossed Aelin’s features. “You don’t even have any idea what this is,” she hissed.

“Then enlighten me, please.” Aedion’s growing temper matched her own. “Do you love him?”

Aelin scoffed. “Of course not. I just met the man a few weeks ago. Besides, that would be inappropriate.”

“That would be inappropriate,” Aedion repeated incredulously. “And this fucking isn’t?”

She huffed. “Rowan is well aware that this won’t be affecting his career at all, positively or negatively. It stays out of work, okay? There’s no reason to be pestering me about it.”

“It’s wrong, Aelin.”

“It is gods-damn not,” she snapped. “I am an adult, and he is an adult, and if we want to fuck, we will fuck. There’s your laptop. Take it and leave.”

Aedion did no such thing. “You know I only care about you.”

“If you care about me, you will mind your own business.”

Aedion sighed and stood up. “I’ll talk you on Monday. Lunch, remember?”

Aelin wanted to yell at him, her stubborn demeanor making it difficult to lose her anger, but if he was taking the steps to end this argument, she could do the same. “Fine. See you Monday.” Her voice was only slightly less sharp, but the words were enough. Aedion smiled in acknowledgment and left.

—

So much had changed since then, but Aedion’s attitude toward the pair’s out-of-work activities was not one of them. He glared at Rowan whenever they were in the same room, trying to find something to fault him for, but there never was anything. During their time in the office, Rowan remained respectful and kind, exactly as she’d requested of him all those days ago. He truly was a good man.

Drawing her thoughts away from Rowan, Aelin reached for a pen and got to work.

It was an hour later that Rowan joined her, starting on their major workload for the planning of their newest fundraising activity, as well as the arduous task of budgeting. Having such an involved roll in many of Aelin’s largest tasks, she had a small table designated for him against the wall, if ever they needed more space. Other thank that, he just used the opposite side of Aelin’s own desk.

Neither of them mentioned this morning, as was usual.

It may have been Aelin’s overactive imagination, but Rowan seemed distant today. Distracted about something or other. He brushed her off when Aelin asked if he was okay, and she let him have some space after that.

By the time the end of the workday rolled around, Aelin was exhausted. It was Friday, which meant she’d just spent the past five days pouring her sweat and blood into each project and task. She did work on the weekends, but the little loads she did at home could hardly compare to the stress of the week.

Aelin always worked later than everybody else; she wanted to get as much done as she could, and she made sure her workers, if not herself, had good hours. It was nearly seven-thirty when she filed away the last document.

When she came out of her office to find an empty floor, vacated entirely by Elide and all of the other staff, she was surprised. She wasn’t surprised that all of her workers were gone. That was entirely expected. She was surprised that Rowan was gone.

Not that he was supposed to be here; even though he worked a bit later some days, he usually left before her. But sometimes he waited up for her, in case she was in the mood. Well aware of the fact that they had fucked last night and they didn’t do it every day or anything, Aelin mentally shook herself for being concerned about Rowan’s absence. Still, some of the uneasiness remained.

Rowan had a pretty good position in the company, and as such, he had his own, albeit small, office. Aelin peered in just to be sure he was gone. Only a janitor, Arobynn, was in the office, and she waved at him. He gruffly nodded.

Trying not to reprimand herself out loud and look like a lunatic in front of the janitor, Aelin headed to the elevator. She was bothered that she was so caught up in Rowan that him not being there, even when it was entirely expected, made her lonely. It was just the sex she missed, of course.

Aelin impatiently tapped her pen against the handrail the whole elevator ride down, and when the doors finally opened, she hurried to her car, feeling she needed a nap. And maybe a whiskey.

—

The weekend passed in a blur. Aelin texted Rowan once, but he hadn’t responded. She hadn’t pestered him after that, knowing full well that he was allowed to have a life and she didn’t want to be desperate and annoy him into coming over. But she couldn’t deny the rapidly growing kernel of excitement resting in the pit of her stomach as Aelin headed to work on Monday.

“Hello, Elide,” Aelin called merrily, waving as she passed her.

Elide just sent a bemused smile to her friend.

Aelin marched toward her office, peering through the windows to find… a man that was not Rowan. Backpedaling because Aelin didn’t want to meet a client unprepared, she stepped away before he could see her. Then she made her way back to Elide.

“Who is that in my office?”

Elide frowned. “I sent you an email about it last night.”

“Last night? The last work I did was yesterday afternoon.”

Elide sighed, as if Aelin should have been checking her email all weekend long. She always had such high expectations. “That’s Nox Owens, the replacement.”

“Replacement for whom?” Aelin asked warily.

Elide blinked. “He didn’t tell you?”

“Who didn’t tell me what?” Aelin crossed her arms.

“We had to find a new coordinations director over the weekend. Mr. Whitethorn tendered his immediate resignation last Friday.”

———

Tag List:

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@yesdreamblog

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if some Cullen stayed behind on a new moon to be with Bella? How do you think the story would have occurred?

They wouldn’t.

Remember, we see the series from Bella’s perspective. We get a front row view to her devastation at being left behind, her depression, and the fact that Bella is put into more danger because of it and ultimately the Cullens come back.

At the end of New Moon, the reader goes, “What was the point of this damn novel? Why even have them leave in the first place if they just come back?!” Well, it was to show that Edward and Bella can’t live without each other, introduce the wolves without the Cullens getting in the way, and start the Volturi plot threads.

Regardless, a lot of blame falls on the Cullens for daring to leave in the first place. Someone should have put their foot down and demanded to stay (several did but they ended up leaving anyway). However, from their perspective, I don’t think they necessarily made the wrong choice

Why The Cullens Had Good Reason to Leave in New Moon

They’d been living in the precarious world for months now where a human is in on the secret, really shouldn’t be in on the secret, just waiting for something to happen.

Edward plays human boyfriend, knowing that he’ll one day abandon her (he plans it, even, from the moment he first sneaks into her bedroom). He has no intention of turning her into a vampire.

Which means, for the rest of them, walking on eggshells trying and failing to think what happens next. Because this is not sustainable.

Eventually, the Cullens will need to move. It’ll be a while yet, Carlisle will probably spend another few years as a doctor in Forks while the “children” go to university somewhere. But eventually, one day, they will leave the area.

If Bella’s human, she’s not coming with them.

And if she does come with them... Bella will be this sole aging human living with immortal creatures. She can’t do the high school routine with Edward very long, would have to find her own thing to do while somehow still moving with this family, and it wouldn’t be sustainable. Bella would live a very miserable life that’s not all that different from if they had never killed James in Phoenix (on the run moving from city to city, protecting this secret from anyone who might ask, having to hide her relationship with Edward if they even manage to keep that alive).

It would be a miserable life and not good for her. Even Bella, the teenager who wants to be with them forever, sees that. She can’t stay with Edward and be human, if she’s joining the Cullens then she has to be turned.

Adding to this, hanging around Bella is very dangerous. There’s a reason their worlds are separate. Jasper might be the one who cracks first, but something was going to happen one of those days. That papercut could have very easily been Edward. Bella could accidentally scrape herself in front of a hungry Alice. Bella helping Esme in the kitchen might accidentally cut herself. Every time Bella spends any time in their vicinity, she’s playing Russian Roulette.

She just happens to lose at her own birthday party.

Jasper’s attack, and every single member of the family besides Carlisle having to vacate the house, is a wake up call that if Bella’s staying human then this isn’t going to work.

Leaving in New Moon is their last chance to give Bella a human life and future. Bella’s young, she’ll move on and make friends and live an ordinary life in the ordinary human world. I do think, for all of the Cullens, none of them realize the extent of her depression and she staked all her self-worth on the aliens who she only met a few months ago and who barely even know her.

And that’s important and I think people forget that, Bella barely knows these people and they know even less about her.

Bella spends her time hanging around Edward and maybe Alice.

She has had one conversation with Carlisle, the night he stitches her up no less, never seems to talk to Esme at all, barely even sees Jasper, Rosalie barely knows her, and for all Emmett thinks she’s hilarious that’s because she’s just Clumsy Human (TM).

None of them have any personal attachment to her.

Then you have Edward throwing a fit. Yes, Alice is adamantly against doing this, thinks it will be a disaster, but Edward’s the one they’re going to live with. More, Edward does have a point, this isn’t sustainable, Bella has no idea what she’s getting into, and if she can live a human life with her human family then she probably should.

Little did they know that they were leaving her to the mercy of Victoria and Laurent, relying on the protection of the shapeshifters who might unintentionally maul her at any moment, or that she’d become mired in depression and eventually attempt suicide.

Well, Alice knew, but her visions are also flighty things that while holding true for a moment don’t necessary hold true for years.

So, I can see why they leave, and why characters who are dubious about it are convinced to leave.

For what it’s worth, I also think they thought Edward’s breakup with Bella was an amenable thing where he logically told her why he was doing this.

Edward, remember, does not ask Rosalie or Emmett’s assistance in stealing the stereo out of Bella’s car. He didn’t tell them about stealing her photos and memorabilia and sticking it under the floorboards. Given Edward’s behavior in Midnight Sun, I’m sure he didn’t tell them that what he actually said to her was that she was a distraction and he’d gotten bored. Given that he had a very reasonable explanation to break up with her, I’m a vampire and you’re human and this isn’t working out, I’m sure they thought he was mature and reasonable about it.

He wasn’t.

Who Would Even Stay?

More, if anyone stayed, then you know Edward would be staying with them. Glaring at them constantly for ruining his leaving town plan. HOW DARE THEY.

And is Emmett really going to bail on Rose so he can hang out with Edward’s weird squishy girlfriend? Carlisle tell the family to go on ahead without him, he’ll catch up, while he sits there awkwardly with Bella and says “Sorry about all of this.” Rosalie, who loathes Bella, sticking around just to spite Edward. Esme staying with Bella and infuriating Edward and causing him pain (Edward’s Esme’s basically highest priority, she’d never do this). Jasper hanging around the girl he just tried to eat?

I’d say Alice is your best bet except... This isn’t the meta for it, but throughout the series it’s clear for all that Alice likes Bella, she likes Edward a lot more. Bella is nice, but Alice has her priorities in order and is more than okay with the significant odds of Bella dying horrifically if it means everything might work out the way she wants it to.

So, given that hanging around Bella would cause a rift with Edward, she’s not going to do it. Also, I’m sure the way she sees it, it’s best to get this out of the way now so that Edward learns his lesson.

And what would they even do then? If Carlisle’s family has moved then he can’t stick around town for long (maybe the premise is they moved on ahead of him to set up the house but that will only last so long). If it’s any of the “kids” they have to hide in the bushes all day as the family will have left them behind. If it’s Esme, why didn’t she go with her family and her kids to the new city?

So it’d just be them hanging around, doing nothing to... make Bella feel better? When it’s really Edward who she wants to see rather than rando Cullen she barely knows hanging out in her yard?

Basically, I can’t see a single one of them staying behind.

But if Someone Did Stay

Then, as I said, Edward would stay too.

And Edward would never forgive them for this. They would be dead to him, forever. I can imagine, in his upset rage and helplessness, Edward would say even worse things to Bella to make it clear the entire family should leave.

It’d be a shit show all around.

[felikatze]

give me the a brainworms i am deeply invested in this man

(0) (2) (3) (4)

okay first of all you asked for this. second of all if i am a little off track from the game that is explained by me just building thoughts like building blocks without looking back. third i was supposed to be studying for an exam but this counts as practice right? it's character analysis anyway lmao.

buckle the fuck up, my dearest anon, because I have sub headings.

1. A as the Player Character

Let me begin with why I am obsessed with this horrid little guy in the first place: he's a silent protagonist. I am always obsessed with protagonists. It's a law of nature. I love taking hollow characters and dissecting them for scraps. It's a long standing practice of mine.

Being a silent protagonist, A, as X, does not have a set personality. However, there are patterns. Firstly, as any semi-silent protagonist, A is a reactive character. He does not start incidents, he only responds to situations, presented by the Sephirah, as they arise. He does not actively seek out new information, merely going about the routine of expanding departments, but expresses curiosity when information is presented to him.

I'm aware fandom likes to characterize X and A differently, likely because they are initially presented as different characters. I, on the other hand, would like to pose the theory that they are more similar than expected.

I believe that A is also a reactive character, rather than active. Despite the fandom wiki describing him as stubborn, the goal A pursues with such fervor, the completion of the Seed of Light, is not actually a goal he set for himself. Carmen is the one who set this goal for him by leaving him her legacy.

Throughout the backstory we get relating to the Cogito Project, A is Carmen's assistant, whereas Carmen is the driving researcher. This is how many of the City's inhabitants seem to be; going with the flow of goals set for them by superiors. Yes I will get into his attachment to Carmen later.

The above is not to say A isn't stubborn. Once he has accepted a goal as his own, he will pursue it at all costs, as is obvious from any and all flashbacks leading to horrible deaths. But the point isn't his pursuit of the goal, but where that goal comes from. Even Lobcorp itself supports this, despite what Hokma may say; A as X follows the "simple" task of managing the Corp's day to day activities, and executes any mission given to him by the Sephirah. He outranks them, and doesn't actually need to do their missions, but does so anyway. Players are driven by the reward offered by those missions, of course, and A might be the same in that regard. Nonetheless, at no point in gameplay do you do anything somebody else hasn't told you to.

The overarching narrative of the Script would be the most obvious example. Every single person in the game follows the script, whether they know it or not.

Lastly on this note, a phrase we hear attributed to A, "Machines must behave as machines." Now, Angela may be attached to this phrase because it bears significance to herself as a machine, and informs most of A's unjust treatmeant of her. However, what if it doesn't just apply to machines? The phrase reads as such, "Everyone must act according to their own role."

2. A, Carmen, and the disease of the mind

So, A will at any cost pursue goals Carmen set for him. Question is, why? The obvious answer would be saying he's in love with her, which like, true. But also, how did Carmen come to be so precious to him?

Let us return to the comparison, "This is how many of the City's inhabitants seem to be." We don't really know why exactly most characters joined Carmen, excluding mainly Daniel and Benjamin. But this does not mean we can't have theories.

Carmen's ideal was curing the "disease of the mind." What is the disease? Complete hopelessness. The inability to form aspirations and dreams, to think of a better future. A is a very reactive character who does not set goals for himself. Therefore, I personally conclude, that initially, Carmen's ideology resonated with him because he could identify with the disease.

This is the point where I start rewatching Lobcorp story clips. Dear god.

So, by briefly binging day 27 onward, I've come up with lines that very much support this lil theory of mine:

First, from Carmen, a description of the disease, "People lock away their own potential."

Second, a line from Angela, after the memory synchronization, "You've locked yourself in this prison without bars."

Carmen describes A as humble, and Benjamin thinks he is warm. If I suppose A was one of the diseased initially, Carmen would be the catalyst for this change. Carmen was someone with big aspirations, with plans to heal what is wrong with the City, and it gave him hope. He was one of the diseased, but through time with Carmen, with that relentless optimistic spirit, he may have been cured, for a time. It's not a stretch to say that she was his light.

But lor shows us what happens when the seed of light sprouts wrong, doesn't it? It distorts. A grasped hope for the first time and then it is ruthlessly crushed. Carmen was everything. Yes, A is described as a jack-of-all-trades, as a genius in all pursuits he puts his mind to, but what does that matter in the face of someone who can unite people? Who can give them hope of a better world? Who can inspire them to actually use the talents they have?

And what kind of pressure is it to put the legacy of a messiah in the hands of the diseased?

3. A and the Perception Filter: A is weak to White damage

No, I am serious about that. He's extremely weak mentally. Obviously death of a loved one is a changing experience for absolutely anybody, but Carmen's death destroyed him.

Not only did he refuse to confide this grief to anyone and bottled it up, now everybody looked to him to lead the project, but he just isn't Carmen. He isn't an ambitious person, he doesn't have the same optimism, he can't bring people together, but people expected him to, and he failed. Hard.

While he was without a doubt talented in science, he was also just an average guy.

After her death, A grew to hate humans. He lost trust in them. He refused to confide in anyone, and be confided in by anyone. Thus, the team fell apart.

In both lobcorp and lor, we get interesting tidbits about precations taken to protect the manager.

Firstly, Lobcorp's perception filter. The cartoony art-style of the game is a result of the game being in first person. Through the eyes of the manager, everything is cartoony!

This is a measure undertaken to specifically protect the manager's psyche. Angela tells us that, before it was deployed, the manager would frequently go insane, one notable incident including the manager trying to hang himself. When we first hear this, the previous managers and X are still separate in our minds. However, they're all A! A went insane multiple times without it.

This is understandable, considering that employees also frequently go insane and try to kill both themselves and others. But they're there in action, confronting the Abnormalities directly. Just watching them made the manager go mad. They could not handle the responsibility for the employees' deaths.

In lor, Angela explains why she picked the Rabbit Team from R Corp as their main contractor instead of any other team. One team was simply too big for L Corp's narrow hallways, and the other team... dealt in psychic damage. It was simply too big of a risk for the manager. But the manager is always secure behind the cameras. Would that teams methods just be that brutal visually, or would their attacks have reached the manager?

Combined with his immense grief at all of his friends and coworkers dying in part because of him, A cannot bear to look at death.

4. A's greatest flaw: Avoidance

A common thread during Core Meltdown flashbacks: A refuses to look at suffering. He just can't. Whether it be looking away from Elijah writhing on the floor or hanging up on Daniel's panicked report of death.

This is actually the thing Angela takes the biggest issue with, and what hurt her most. A would never look at her, acknowledge her, and she did not understand why. But I think A did not refuse to look at her out of maliciousness. Rather, it was out of grief over Carmen. He could not look at her without being reminded of what he lost.

Angela's creation came about because A wanted someone to guide him, someone like Carmen. He threw himself into the project to the point it made Benjamin happy that A was passionate about anything again. But as soon as the project he distracted himself with is complete, he is filled with regret. Carmen cannot be replicated, and he breaks again.

Furthermore, tying this back to my first point about A being a reactive person, we see Angela take charge over A. She's the one recruiting employees and leading the business. It was likely a relief for him to be able to step down from the leading position.

But avoiding it made everything worse. He did not act when he saw Elijah's unchecked ambition, he did not act beyond a simple check at Gabriel's decay, he gave Giovanni the same hope he clung to to no avail, et cetera et cetera.

Avoiding his problems is making them worse and sending everything down the drain (including his psyche), so he deals with it the only way he knows how, avoiding them more!

Biggest example of A's big avoidance problem as his psyche crumbles: the memory wipe. A, in perhaps his one singular moment of acknowledging his emotions, recognizes that he is incapable of fulfilling the Script in his current state. His grief is just too much.

By erasing his own memory, he could start fresh without his grief, because he might've really killed himself otherwise. His suffering became bigger and bigger, and he coped by avoiding it.

The memory wipe allowed him to distangle his problems. Through his interactions with the Sephirah (which I will not individually detail for the sake of my sanity and because I dumped all this on a friend on discord already), he can deal with and actually process his issues one at a time.

As the motto describes, only by facing the fear can he build the future. Only by finally facing his grief and acknowleding it, seeing that the past cannot be changed and he has no choice to move forward, can he actually do so.

5. The Sephirah as ghosts

Lobotomy Corporation feels like a ghost story. I've touched upon this in my previous A post.

As you reach the Corp's lower levels, there are less Sephirah. First there are four. They act like normal employees, and do not breach into the story's underbelly until you reach their core supressions and the facade breaks. Second, counting Tiphereth as one, there are three. They still go about their duties, but they know what they are. Third, there are two, and the facade is gone. They know what they are, and they will tell you about the sins of the past.

And finally, you reach Keter, and there is only one.

This gradual decay of the facade is what really gets to me. I said that by interacting with the Sephirah, A deals with his issues one by one, but that's what the Sephirah are, in this case. Representations.

The people the Sephirah used to be are dead, and the Sephirah are their ghosts. The core supression involve putting these ghosts to rest. Doesn't it match the progression of a typical ghost story? Find the ghost, find what they used to be, and help them move on.

So, if everyone is a ghost, then A is alone.

But, behind the scenes, the Sephirah are still there. They are still people, and they have changed for the better, too. As always, A simply does not look.

(Does he even see the good others see in him? Does he look away from praise, too? Did he even realize Benjamin's admiration for him? Will we ever know?)

6. A's end.

A's progression of moving on would be fine and dandy if it did not end as thus: A does kill himself.

A sees himself beyond the point of no return. Everyone is dead. He is alone. Carmen is never coming back. He can't call it quits now, or else everything has been in vain. (Even if the last days show us a part of him wants to just quit, so badly.)

So, there's only one thing left to do: follow the Script to its ending. Fulfill Carmen's legacy at all costs. Death as the ultimate release.

This is the point where I admit I do not like the death as release trope. But the game does a good enough job as presenting it as the only option A had, or the only option he saw himself as having.

However, I've mentioned it before, I'll mention it again: A was not alone. Death was his release, but he left wreckage. In order to end his own suffering, he inflicted the same pain he went through on others.

Throughout the game, he moves on and pushes through. The ending shows that in reality... he didn't.

At least in lor the characters stick together and help each other heal.

This has been most of my thoughts on A, amounting to my longest analysis post ever, having taken me approximately two and a half hours to complete, and clocking in at 2337 words including up to this paragraph.

Thank you anon for giving me the incentive to verbalize all of this, so I can finally be at ease having inflicted my thoughts on everybody else.