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clare-875 · 2 months ago

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I Don't Want to Move On (Sanji x Reader)

_____ Pairing: Sanji x Female Reader Summary: When Sanji leaves you to marry Pudding, he shuts you out, and you don't know how to forgive him when he returns. Warnings: SPOILERS for Wholecake Island Arc, Angst to Fluff A/N: (h/c) = your hair colour [One Piece Masterlist] _____

You stop and look up, the quiet of the space between you and him bringing forth an awkwardness you were not used to. You were on the Sunny, in the doorway of the kitchen and your boyfriend was facing you with deep remorse reflecting his eyes. Or was he your ex now? You didn't know; you didn't even want to think anymore.

He had left you for her. He had hurt you. And no matter if his reasoning was credible, in the end, he had shut you out and left you to pick up the pieces. You know now that Sanji's family - if he could even call them family - were nothing of the affectionate and caring sort. No, they were emotionless and unkind, arrogant and vain; nothing like the man you loved.

You know that this whole scenario probably brought more agony to Sanji than it did to anybody else. But it didn't change the fact that you didn't know how to face him anymore, or how to talk to him. The words he spoke to you when you had finally caught up to him were raging in the back of your mind. Words that though perhaps false in that moment, still brought pain to ever hear from his lips.

"It was all an act... I could never love a low-life like you."

Was it really? Was it really all an act?

Then what were the nights spent buried in his arms, warm and safe and adored? What were the days spent laughing in the kitchen, the generous caresses and murmured words of devotion? What were the quiet moments spent together, where you thought you needed nothing more than him and his love? What were all the promises and bold whispers?

How many times have you heard him say "I love you" and how many times have you returned the sentiment? Hundreds and thousands of kisses were exchanged and a million times your hands held his. So many times, he pledged his loyalty, looked only to you, caressed only you. How many times had you seen that spark of joy and light reach his eyes, because they reflected the tenderness in yours?

Was that all an act too?

Now you found yourself avoiding him, and his faint calls of your name. You and your crew may have escaped Big Mom, and your friends may have found forgiveness for Sanji's actions. But you didn't know if you could do the same so easily. How could you when his words were spat like fire to your heart? How could you when he left you to marry another woman?

How could you when he shut you out so easily?

"Lov-" Sanji freezes, cold sweat on his face as he looks at you. He had never seen you look to him so devoid of the emotions he was so used to seeing. "[y/n]..." his words are a murmur, hesitant and ashamed. You fight the tears that want to travel down your face at the sight of him. He seemed lost, even when he had retaken his solace back on the Sunny and Luffy's crew. He looked pale and worried and regretful. But was that all an act too?

"Please, can we talk?"

Your heart tugs low at his words.

"I- I don't know, Sanji." His eyes spark just for a moment at the sound of your voice directed at him, after days on the sea without even an utterance. "You hurt me, you left me, I-" You swallow harshly as you watch the way his brows furrow in what seems like genuine pain. "I don't know how to move on from that."

You turn away swiftly, trying to get out of the doorway and out of his presence but Sanji is quick to his senses. He reacts desperately, holding your arm in his hand, causing your movements to halt. You look up at him, the tears now rolling down your face mirroring the ones brimming in his eyes.

"Please love, I don't want to move on from you..."

.....

When you arrived at Zou along with Luffy's group after the exhausting events at Dressora, you never thought you would find your boyfriend missing. Never did you dream.

And yet that was your reality.

Nami had rushed to you alongside Chopper, her bright facade faltering once she saw you and her Captain. She had flung herself into Luffy's arms, but her tearful eyes looked only to you.

"I'm sorry...Sanji's..."

Her words and actions already caused the rhythm of your heart to stutter but when she showed you the letter you felt it slip from your chest.

'I've gotta go see a woman. I'll be back.'

The words on the blank sheet of paper were plain and simple. He would be back. But who was this woman, and why was she of such importance he leaves without a trace or word to you?

It is Luffy who breaks the silence.

"Does, 'gotta go see a woman' mean... he's gonna get married?"

Your heart tugs fiercer at your Captain's words, and Nami is quick to strike his head in vexation. "Luffy!" She scolds, before offering a hand to your shoulder in comfort. "That's not necessarily the case..." You look up, and Nami avoids your gaze in regret, you know that there is something else she wants to say. "... but it seemed like he was determined."

"But he's with [y/n]! That's not allowed!"

Nami chastises Luffy again for his insensitivity but you quickly cut her off. "Nami," she looks at you in surprise at the calmness of your voice. "It's fine. He said he'll be back, didn't he?" She nods hesitantly at your words as your crew looks at you in concern.

"Then, he'll be back."

Your friends all stare, unsure of what to say, but as Brook speaks up, you feel your hopes wither slightly. "But, [y/n]-san, the bride is the Emperor's daughter. Of course, Sanji refused the marriage immediately. But that's what troubles me." The apprehension inside of you churns more and more. "It won't be easy to decline such an invitation. What do you think Sanji would do in a situation where he cannot escape the marriage?"

You think of your boyfriend. He was kind, generous and caring. But you had seen instances of him with traces of sadness in his gaze, only for him to brush you off when you asked if something was wrong. He never really knew how to accept the love that you so willingly offered him, and only time made him better at it. But this: this marriage with the daughter of an emperor too powerful for you to even fathom to defeat. You knew the answer to Brook's question quicker than Chopper had replied.

"He's the kind of guy who'll try not to cause us any trouble so he'd try to separate himself from us."

Nami nods slowly, and the ache in your chest builds the franticity within you. "When he tossed us outside, he could've gotten away too. When he wrote the note, I think he'd already made up his mind to go by himself." She meets your regard and you see the discomfort in her irises. She can see your concern, but it soon turns into a fierce resolve.

You had to at least try to get him to open up to you; to talk to you.

You would do anything for Sanji. You had to go see him and stop him. Surely, he was not doing this of his own free will, surely there were layers to this marriage and he obviously had his reasons why he must concede to them. So, when Luffy had shouted that he would go meet with Sanji and talk to him, you had agreed instantly despite the anxious murmurs of the crew.

"You're facing an emperor!"

Their concerns were valid but your worry for your boyfriend was more significant. He would never hurt you, or that's what you thought when you had joined Luffy, Nami, Brook and Chopper on your journey to Whole Cake Island. Surely he would open up to you as you had done to him so many times before. Surely he would come to his senses the moment he laid eyes on you. You could not fathom anything otherwise.

How wrong you were.

.....

When Sanji saw you, Luffy and Nami, for a moment his heart was overcome with hope, but it diverted immediately to utter fear and despair. His heart rate raged against his chest and in the presence of his brothers and father, his trepidation only grew.

Why were you here? Why were you here where he could not protect you?

When Luffy had flung himself onto his carriage with his wide smile and optimistic words, his mind could only pitch what was on the line. His hands were set to detonate if he even desired to leave, those on the Baratie were in jeopardy and you; the crew. He could not let you live a life under the rein of an emperor he knew would show little mercy.

He loved you; God did he love you.

But you just couldn't be here.

When Sanji had kicked Luffy from the carriage, you had watched, heart in your throat and completely stunned. You could hear Nami shouting at Sanji, "Hey! What are you doing Sanji-kun!" But when Sanji met eyes with you, he knew the only way to get you to leave; the only way to protect you was with words that would make you despise him.

"Get packing, you low-class pirates!"

You are voiceless at the way his eyes could contort to a way that shone with such disdain.

"My name is Vinsmoke Sanji. I'm a prince of the Germa Kingdom! I'm sorry for keeping it a secret. I thought that it'd make you miserable. The difference between our standings couldn't be clearer. If I stay here, I can spend money and use soldiers and servants as I like. Going back to that crappy ship with you... or staying here, marrying Big Mom's beautiful daughter."

Your heart falters as you hear the words slip his lips.

"It's pretty obvious which is a happier life. Don't take the note seriously. I won't go back with you! I can't believe you've come all the way here."

There is a silence that lingers on your behalf, and the way Sanji looks to you - to all of you - makes you want to wither and perish. You can hear Luffy shouting to Sanji in complete denial of his words, anger morphing on his face. Sanji approaches slowly as Luffy refuses to go away, and even as he leaves the carriage his expression does nothing to falter.

"I don't know what made you come, but I appreciate that you took the trouble. Having said that, if you really think about me, you should've done the opposite. Rather than being with you guys who are poor and weak, it'd be better to be part of the rich and powerful Big Mom Pirates. I'll be happier-"

"SHUT UP!"

Your words reach the air, interrupting your boyfriend's words before you can stop yourself. Sanji's heart lurches at your anger-tainted words, and yet he finds himself silently begging that you would leave quietly. However, you are too hurt to answer his prayers. You rush forward, past Luffy and Nami who calls your name hesitantly. You move until you're in front of Sanji, hands balled into fists by your side.

"Shut up! You can't mean that! Sanji-" Your words start to wilt the more you see his unbending stare remain on you, piercing and urging you to hate him, but you wouldn't. "How can you say that, Sanji? I know you; I know this can't be what you want. Just tell me the truth, we won't run, we'll fight whatever it is that you are fighting. You don't have to protect me from anything... I just want to be with you. Please Sanji, I love you, I know you love me too-"

"You actually believe that?"

You freeze when Sanji speaks to you, eyes unwavering, shaded expression, persuasive words. "What? Sanji stop, what are you-" But when you look up he is looking at you in a way you could not fathom to be true. Such contempt and hostility, and a hint of mockery. "You actually think, I care about you? That I want to protect you?" You shake your head slowly as aversion starts to build up within you.

"You're a liability, [y/n]."

"I was bored and miserable with you. The emperor is giving me a chance with her daughter, a woman who could actually make me happy. Who are you to deny me that?" You grit your teeth, anger taking hold of you, as you step forward and grasp the collar of his shirt in your hold. Sanji's eyes flicker with a moment's surprise before returning to the deadpan stare that you begin to despise.

"You're lying," you say, but Sanji does not falter. Your tears start to pour down your face as you look at your boyfriend devoid of his love. "Come back to the Sunny with us, Sanji. Let me in Sanji. Where's the man I fell in love with?" Sanji doesn't think that he loathed himself more than he did the moment he stared back at you, desperately trying to keep his own tears at bay. How could this be the way he says goodbye to the love of his life?

"It was all an act. Of course, I could never love a low-life like you."

At his words, you think you feel something break deep within you. Your hold goes limp on his collar and your eyes are wide in shock. Tears pour down your face, but suddenly you feel numb and you think you can actually hear your heart break. You hear Luffy's rage from behind you along with Nami's shouts of outrage. You can hear the muffled laughter of Sanji’s brothers beyond the carriage at your crestfallen expression.

Nami drags you back to her. Sanji fights Luffy so that he would make him leave too. But you feel so hollow you hardly even register the events that take place around you. When Luffy falls limp to the ground you still look numbly to the man in front of you.

Nami's slap was sharp against Sanji's cheek, but what twisted his insides more was the fact that you did nothing. Instead, you looked at him with the most barren expression he had ever seen from you. An expression he fought to keep from touching your face was placed in front of him because of him. Sanji almost broke, but he could say nothing. "Goodbye. Sorry- we should've never done this." Nami's words are harrowing to his ears, but again he could say nothing. She instantly went to your side uttering comforts but he no longer saw your face.

In his mind, he screamed at you to stay. He screamed that he wanted to be with you for eternity. That he loved you like nothing else in this world. He never wanted to leave you, he never wanted to marry anyone but you. The days spent chasing women were left behind in the past like specs of dust. You were all that had encompassed him. You were all that made him feel worthy of love and life and warmth.

His shock when he learnt that you, actually felt the same was like the feeling of his heart retching free and soaring through the sky. He never thought a day would come when a woman he loved as much as he loved you, could return that same devotion. He was in heaven. Every day with you was heaven. He never even dreamt that a goodbye would come, because he would rather perish than let it become reality.

He had made his worst nightmare come true.

All because he couldn't let you in. He couldn't hurt you. He wouldn't let the burdens on his back be the burden on yours. He doesn't want to cause you misery because of a choice he made or a past that he runs from. You were his angel, and he felt as though reaching out would taint your heart and your outlook on him.

And so, he left.

His brothers laughed and shouted absurdities, but he didn't look back.

"Damn Sanji, you sure had some tasteful women on your crew."

"Yeah call back the chick with the [h/c] hair! If you don't want her I might entertain her for a night or-"

"Shut up!"

Such fury fills him at his brother's words that he loathed their beings almost as much as he loathed himself.

Luffy's words that he would stay unmoving until his return echo through the distance placed between you both, and that is when he lets his tears slip. But his tears aren't for his Captain, they're for you. You and the life he thought he was so blessed to share with you. He had thought so stupidly that maybe all the turmoil he had faced in his early life was because you would be waiting in the future, and be a hundred times worth the despair he had felt.

But of course, it would all be stripped away. You wouldn't forgive him. He wouldn't forgive himself. He would have to live with the fact that the love of his life was gone for good, and along with you, any ounce of love he felt in his heart.

.....

"Stop Dreaming! Will I Marry that low life? No way!"

"That idiot played right into my hands. And fell for me."

Isn't it funny, how you don't realise the damage your words can do until they are thrown back at you?

Was this how you felt when he had thrown your love away?

No, it must've been worse because these were the words of a woman he couldn't love, but you; he had loved you and you had loved him. The words from his fiancé sounded shrill and sharp against his ears, but he could not even compare how he would've felt if those words were from you.

Sanji felt the energy leave him as suddenly as his hopes to move on from you and the crew had come. What was wrong with him? Leant heavily on a wall he listens as this woman berates him for his stupidity. But he deserved it. That's what he thought.

He had left the days of chasing women long ago, but he found himself forcing himself back into the rhythm just to push the thoughts of you from his head.

Yes, I'll cook for pudding-chan.

Yes, I'll just revert to Sanji. The Sanji who loves women.

Yes, I'll forget, I'll move on.

But the dish he made for Pudding was the abundance of favourite foods of his crew. The one in larger quantity was yours. '[y/n]...' Sanji retched himself free of your image for only a moment but his heart jolted laboriously against his chest. He missed you. But then, he'd remember the flash of your downcast eyes shining in utter despondency and in the absence of the love he usually saw in them.

He didn't deserve you.

But when he hears Pudding's words mock him of his love and being. He did nothing but miss you. Miss your kind words and gentle touch. Miss your honest love and your silent comforts. Miss your joy and laughter and the glimmer in your eyes when he cooked something for you.

Fuck, he missed you.

Sanji crumbles, flowers lost from his grip and food long forgotten. He reaches for a cigarette; he was on his last few having gone through them like nothing these past few days. But as he reaches the lighter and flicks and flicks and flicks again, there is no light. When finally, a glimmer of hope prevails and he sees his cigarette catch fire, it is out in an instant by the pouring rain.

The vision of your smiling face is lost along with it.

One tear slips past his face, followed by another. His heartache was almost unbearable as he felt himself move away. Anywhere was better than listening to the words of the woman he was betrothed to. But the place he wanted to be in most was the embrace of the woman he loved.

.....

Now you are standing there, in his grasp and in front of him, but your eyes were filled with a pain he feared he couldn't ever undo.

"Please love, I don't want to move on from you..."

Your eyes meet his and he sees an emotion he had never seen in your gaze: hesitation. You were usually so sure with him, so usually knowing that he was your safe space and your comfort and all you could need. Sanji hates that he had stripped that all away.

You begin to speak but he is quick to cut off your sparing words.

"Sanji-"

"I never loved her."

Your eyes shoot open as his words tumble like boulders from his mouth.

"I- I only love you. Those words I said to you, I didn't mean a single thing. I don't hate you, I wasn't miserable with you, I was the happiest I had ever been and I was stupid to give it up so quickly. I was a coward. I-"

A tear slips lonely down your cheek, but you are surprised when you feel slight anger ignite in your system rather than resistance.

"That's what you think I'm angry about Sanji?"

The man in front of you freezes mid-sentence, his anxious eyes giving way to utter confusion.

“I-“

"That's what you think hurt me?"

You let out a soft, emotionless laugh as you look to the ceiling and back to him, eyebrows furrowed in frustration.

"I wanted you to let me in, I wanted you to let me help you. I told you not to protect me, I told you to let me fight with you but you didn't."

There is a silence that unveils the sentiment of truth in your pain. Your own boyfriend had left you with bitter words, but what had torn your heart to shreds was the fact that you thought he did not trust you to carry his burdens as he did yours. You thought that a relationship with him would concur to you being his person as much as he was yours and yet he had shut you out and walked away.

"You pushed me away."

Your last words to him are quiet, and the pain exceeds what you can hold back so tears start to cascade quickly down your face.

"Sanji-"

He moves before you even have the chance to continue, your broken words causing his own chest to squeeze painfully. He pulls you close to him and in an instant, you are engulfed in his arms and your senses are filled with his familiar scent and warmth. You tremble slightly as you push your face deeper into his chest, and his face buries itself into your skin.

Sanji feels his heart contort painfully as it goes from warmth to agony.

How can a woman such as you exist?

Your kindness he didn't deserve? Your love and consideration he had hid himself from? Your devotion to him? All this time he had thought the words he spoke to you were what caused the distance between the two of you. But you were hurting because he had not trusted that you would accept him and comfort him and carry his hardships as yours.

"I'm so sorry love. I- I just didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to see how pathetic I was in my earlier life. I didn't want you to see me differently. I didn't want to burden you or cause you hurt."

Your tears start to slow and your heart rate steadies as you find solace in the chasms of his arms. "I know that I just-" Your words stumble into your soft cries.

"I just wanted to help you."

When Sanji pulls away and looks into your eyes, he finds in them a glimmer of hope. Could he dare to ask for your forgiveness? When he moves next it is out of all the love he has for you in his heart, all of his regret and sorrow and devotion. His breath is hot against your lips before they connect, deep and soft and passionate. He brings your form closer to him, his touch like fire on your skin.

You finally respond.

A hand carves its way into the depths of his blond hair as you pull him impossibly closer. You move desperately against him and pour all the fondness and misery you held onto into the kiss. It lasted for long moments, the pressing of your mouth to his, the warmth and the love. When you pulled apart his head rested on yours, his affection still lingering on your skin. Your breaths were uneven.

"My love, forgive me."

When his gaze meets yours, it is filled with his pure, honest intention. Yes, the division cast between you may take more than a kiss to heal. Yes, the trust shared between you may have to be built from a hundred conversations and reassurances. But the love that the both of you had was true, and you knew that neither one of you would be moving on from the other. So, you smile tenderly and sadly at him as you tug his face to yours and connect your lips softly and deliberately.

In your mind was one thought.

You'll both be just fine.

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vaguely-concerned · 3 months ago

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on the one hand I think inner demons could stand to have a bit more romanced rook specific content, but on the other hand the underlying in-built implication that 'yours is the one true voice of comfort and safety in my inner world' is a sentiment and intimacy so way beyond the romantic or the platonic or any secret third thing you could care to name that it makes me lose my entire poor little mind a bit. it's so big and fundamental — near-existential — that in that exact moment at least the distinctions kind of seem irrelevant.

all the people lucanis' mind conjures up along the way are relationships he has that are unavoidably mixed and fraught in some ways even when they're also full of love (they are fraught BECAUSE they're full of love) — the good in them inseparable from things that hurt him at the same time. (it's about: the basic disorganized attachment patterns this poor guy is dragging around with him. careful with those, they're dellamorte heirlooms. what you love also inevitably hurts you and you won't be allowed to have one without the other, you have to surrender parts of your soul to hold on to what little you have left: this is the story up until now.) and the idea that rook isn't that to him — that beneath the fear of wanting them when romanced (which is more its own separate thing because within this psychology, actively wanting something and not just clinging on for dear life to even a meager status quo lest you lose it is in itself dangerous bordering on catastrophic), this is a relationship where there isn't resentment, or guilt, or shame, or dread, or rage, or self-hate, or any of the other emotions that keep him paralyzed, unable to move this way or that. no debts, nothing owed of yourself and your soul's substance except what you can freely and safely and happily give. love and freedom don't coexist — but, I mean, you're almost starting to make me think........... unless...👀👀👀. the unconditional and undramatic 'you are here and I am here with you, you can be exactly how you are right now with me and it's safe for us both even though you're afraid it won't be, I'm not going anywhere' acceptance rook shows him here that he returns to them in the big romance scene, when it's rook who needs it. the way he's just. standing there in the center of it all, like a child desperately helplessly waiting to be found, hiding in the place he hopes you'll know to look first. (rook does know. it's one of the first things they say in there.)

in short the most important room in his little mind palace for the romance is the very first room — the one where rook isn't. where, in fact, rook cannot be, because they disprove the entire structure of the place with their existence and presence in his life. with everyone else he's putting words in their mouths about what they think of him, and rook is the one who actually gets to come in to speak their own words to him — and have him listen. ('he'll listen to you, he always listens to you', 'your voice is a comfort'.) of course rook isn't present anywhere else in there — at the risk of stating the obvious to a tedious degree, they aren't one of the locks, they're bringing the key. in the very finest 'the messenger and the message' sort of way.