#{ A monstrous bride huh? }

[yuichiroswife]

Which Fairytale Archetype Are You?

The Monstrous Bride.

 “Just as the ultimate goal of Arthurian quest finally defines itself as the Holy Grail, the object that can never be assimilated into the real world, so the ultimate woman of romance is a fairy mistress, or fairy queen.” — Helen Cooper. The monstrous bride is not necessarily monstrous, but she is, by definition, inhuman, which is part of her je ne sais quoi. Her happiness often depends on whether her groom knows her inhuman. If he does not, he is bound to find out before the story concludes, at which point he will either be repulsed by his wife's deceit and leave her, or attempt to make the relationship work, but fail, because he is operating under a misinterpretation of her nature. If he is aware of her inhuman identity, it will often be one of the factors leading to his attraction to her, and he will be rewarded with her love – but often at the cost of abandoning his previous life completely.

Tagged: @crxstallium​

Tagging: @casketcat, @devotionobsessed​, and @rosxtenebrae​

[sinful-lanterns]

Before anyone else tries I'm getting dibs on being Corpse!Iron bride. Catch me running at her, full speed, in wedding gown.

But please consider Corpse!Iron finding reader in the church wearing her white coat and in Iron's twisted, monstrous mind confusing it for a wedding.

No matter how strong other monsters are they aren't pulling me away from her. Call me stone from how strong I'm holding Iron's Excalibur inside me.

NOT IRON MISTAKING RESEARCHER’S LABCOAT FOR A WEDDING GOWN 😭😭

Corpse! Iron would be wandering aimlessly across the land, until she stumbles upon a strange, human woman dressed in something white and surrounded by a bunch of other monsters in a field. Huh. Weddings had a lot of people…brides wore white…is this Iron’s bride????!!!!!

Although dead, Iron retains some of her human thoughts and decides she wants to be with you. Slowly trudging over to where you were sitting, all the monster girls started to panic upon seeing this tall, undead woman approach you, before seeing Iron suddenly kneel in front of you and grab your hand to plant a cold, dead kiss on it…

Oh. Okay, you were safe! Thats a relief. All she wanted was a k— HEY. WHAT IS SHE DOING—

All the monster girls yell as Iron suddenly lifts the Researcher up in her arms (bridal style) and runs off into the forest. Good luck tracking her down, monster girls! You’ve got to chase two runaway brides 😅

[see-arcane]

Today’s entry is one of many that really drives home why I can never quite bring myself to get into softer ‘uwu he’s just misunderstood and sexy-liberating’ versions of Dracula. Just. I can’t. I really really can’t.

Up to this point, he’s already had a monstrous moment in bringing the ladies their first on-screen kids meal crying and squirming in its sack. He’s had outright predatory back-to-back moments in imprisoning, coercing, robbing, and getting increasingly threatening and handsy with Jonathan. This, capped with the fact that he plans to kill/drink/gift him to the Undead Girl Gang by the end of June.

‘But what about his, “I too can love,” huh? He’s just loving as best a monster can! He could be tearing everyone around him to ribbons for annoying him, Brides and Jonathan included! Instead he goes out of his way to feed the ladies, albeit gruesomely, and has no retort when they laugh at and insult the lonely old bat. And he isn’t planning to kill Jonathan. He wants to keep him! Sure, it’s a sick version of it, but to him conscripting and collecting Jonathan rather than executing him outright is the height of affection! Surely that’s grounds for some of the more ~romantic~ takes in warped gothic flavor?’

To an extent, yeah. 

But he also just dressed up in Jonathan’s stolen clothes to cover up for the man’s own abduction, imprisonment, and undeadifying, while also increasing the odds of Jonathan already getting mistaken for a vampire, bringing home another child for the ladies to devour, and then ordered a pack of wolves to eat a grieving mother alive for making noise at his gate.

And this? This is just the tip of the iceberg for how downright hellish he gets as the novel progresses. 

Dracula can absolutely be a nuanced character within canon, offshoots, retellings, re-imaginings, and so on. And he should be! He’s a very interesting bastard who’s got so much more going on than a few one-liners and a taste for good cloaks and yummy company. But his actual actions in the book--even the smallest ones--just automatically torpedo 90% of my audience enjoyment when I run into yet another ‘Oh, but he did it all because he was in love!/misunderstood!/depressed!/unfairly maligned by the eeevil human Victorian characters in their journals and newsprint and body count records!’ version of the Count. 

Even sillier takes that try to heroify him for kids like Hotel Transylvania just kind of make my brain trip and fall into a pit of ??? 

‘Look kids, Dracula is really a nice guy and a sweet dad who runs a fun little hotel for his misunderstood Universal Horror monster buddies! Isn’t he neat?’

It leaves me biting my tongue and holding this mental grimace as I think about the sacks full of weeping children, the slaughtered mother, a young man imprisoned for making the mistake of endearing himself so much to a sadistic monster that the latter has decided to keep him as a tortured toy and undead pseudo-slave for eternity, with an entire blood buffet of human cattle still waiting to fill out the rest of the novel with trauma, horror, and death. 

‘Ohhh, but look at Francis’ tragique sweetheart version who stole all his redeeming qualities from Jonathan Harker! Ohhh, but look at the funny silly Adam Sandler cartoon and his new everyman-settling daughter! Ohhh, but look at how #cool and modern-sexyedgy an antihero/villain he is when penned by every projecting director and their grandmother! Lighten up, it’s just a different interpretation!*’

*Of the character whose whole deal is psychological torture, being a predatory creep, casual murder, and worse-than-murder of innocents.

I know it skews me towards being a whiny purist. I know. Let folks have fun. I know. But still, it feels so wrong every time I see someone try to ‘awww, he’s not so bad!’-ify him in new media when. No. He is exactly that bad and probably worse. If he’s not, then that’s not fucking Dracula.

tl;dr: Can people just make some new fun/sexy/antihero vampires instead of stapling Dracula’s name on all of them? Can Dracula just be an interesting villainous monster again?? Please??? (Please save me Renfield 2023 and The Last Voyage of the Demeter, you’re my only ho--)

[one-strugling-bean]

Random thoughts on HTTYD RttE S3 (Ep1-7)

Ep1 - Dagur is a lot of fun honestly, but I'm not sure how far this newfound "good faith" of his goes

Wow, he's a good fighter

I'm kinda afraid of that antidote, ngl

Hiccup, da heck? Why did you throw yourself out of the cavern??

Aww, the little sad look on Dagur's face when Hiccup yelled "I hate you"

Okay, yeah he is a good guy now

Well, more of a wild card really - I have 4 seasons ahead of me, I wouldn't be surprised if Dagur went back to the dark side at some point

The ep ends, and the only thing I know for sure is Astrid's not gonna be happy when those two get back to the Edge

Ep2 - Snotlout's high pitched yell is so funny, but I feel bad for laughing

Hookfang casually screeching at the Fire Worm Queen

Uhm, what history?? How do those two know each other? I wanna knowwwww! Im guessing it's from the first 2 seasons

Hiccup has so much patience for his team, istg - no wonder he's super snappy to his enemies

Okay, this Cavern Crasher looks super cool in all his originality (i mean, green fire, how cool is that??) but he's also a bit disgusting

The Fireworms babies are so so precious, and their cave looks really cool

He's singing the baby a lullaby?! How is he being so soft, omg

Ha, Hookfang's awkward grin when the Queen looked at them

"Ho, ho, no you don't!" You go, Fishlegs! No one touches baby dragons on his watch

Hookfang got himself the worst possible babysitting job ever - he's gotta protect a hundred baby dragons, their mother, and his dumb of ass rider

Queenie is such a cute nickname

Hookfang is the real MVP of this ep

Another cute Hiccup&Snotlout interaction - Hiccup is really supportive of everyone, it's sweet

Ep3 - Fishlegs' 2nd name is Justin?

Wow, Astrid and Ruff look weeeeird like that - and why is Gothi also wanting him??

Uhm, are we not gonna comment on Fishlegs dreaming of Snotlout confessing to him dressed as a bride too? No? Okay, then

"Why would Hiccup put you in charge?" Uhm, he's the only one with common sense, for starters

Okay, that throwing-the-pot thing is not cool, guys, please stop it,it's giving me ptsd

I want Fishlegs to punch one of them, but I don't think it'll happen - not now at least

Okay, I feel like Hiccup was a little harsh there. Fishlegs should not have to be their babysitter, they're old enough to know their actions have consequences. Before being disappointed in Fishlegs, he should be so at the others

Meatlug is such a sweetheart

So is Fishlegs

They actually kept the name Smidvarg, that's awesome

I would prefer to fight an angry Monstrous Nightmare over giving any money to Snotlout too

"-but he usually geeks out with me!" I love the nerdy friendship these two have, it's so sweet

Yay, Darkvarg!

Those two nerds are adorable

Ep4 - We're off to a great start already, with tired dad Hiccup

Oh, more of Spitelout huh - not sure how i feel about that

I kinda wanna see Snotlout's handwriting now, after he criticized his dad's so harshly

Spitelout built an entire house by himself in a month?

Hiccup deserves credit for being able to realize "Asia Fondue" was supposed to be "deja vu"

Snotlout is basically cradling Hiccup in that trap

I'm not understanding all this fear - compared to the last few we've seen, this one doesn't look too scary honestly

Snotlout was super confident about the S thing

Okayyy now it's getting dangerous, Snotlout please don't try to fight Stoick

Hiccup, ever the peace-maker

God, David Tennant is such a good voice actor, and the accent is so satisfying to hear, I caaaaan't

Okay, for once Stoick's comment was unnecessary, I don't think Spitelout knew of the underbelly thing either

Yeahh, Snotlout doesn't want to fight Stoick and Hiccup on this, he'd leave with them if his dad wasn't there

Hiccup really has the Jogersons' psyches well thought-out huh

Yayy for reconciliation! I think

I don't understand what was the meaning behind Snotlout and the yak, but it was cute that he saved it

And of course, he named it too

Ep5 - So remember when I said, way back there, that this show was gonna like to hurt Astrid a lot? Yeahhhh surprise, surprise

I really would like to meet the Thorston family

Wow, they all look serious for once, Snotlout even asked her, all worried, if she was okay, damn

The Buffalord reminds me so much of an Ivysaur, he's sho cute

Oh and he puffs! Niiiice

Okay, that was a cute Hiccstrid moment

Oh my lord seriously?? Hunters now??

"Fishlegs, I thought you were above name-calling!" God I hate him, but I love his dialogues

No medicine works that quickly, but sure

Also, yeah Buff is gonna puff out as soon as they try to move him, so the hunters are losing today

That was a powerful ending that I was not expecting

Ep6 - I'm honestly not sure who's gonna be proved wrong by the end of the episode, Hiccup's paranoia, or the gang's carelessness

Of course the chicken has a meal plan

It's annoying me that they're swimming with their clothes on, but I'll close my eyes to it

So the dragons aren't okay

You cannot tell me the other riders didn't hear Fishlegs' screams

It was something in the water I'm guessing, since Toothless is okay

Okay, maybe I'm biased, but isn't it always Toothless the last one standing, or the one dragon that doesnt get hurt, or the only one that notices something's wrong? Like, what about the others? Are Toothless' skills that above the other dragons that he notices what none other does?

This was a salty comment, but I do wonder

Omg, Gobber actually tried to follow Tuff's regime for the chicken

Tuff's chicken completely threw off Both Gobber and Stoick, that's great

Wow, they really all blame Hiccup, was not expexting that

Tuffnut saves the day!!

Omg, the Grimoras are so creepyyy, ew

Where did Fishlegs get those rocks?

Sooo, Snotlout and Hookfang burn down places together for fun? Okay, you piromaniacs

Tuffnut has a genuinely cute relationship with his chicken

Ep7 - God, of course those three would notice something like that

Also, all of them ganging up on him, and Fishlegs is just able to hold them all - everyone is so tiny compared to him, I wonder the damage Fishlegs could do if he wasn't so gentle

"Who said it's a she?" Snotlout keeping all options on the table like the dumbass bi he is

Snotlout is so delusional i love/hate it

Fishlegs' annoyed face and the little tsk before "Pretty much" was everything

Even Hiccup?? Jesus, no privacy

The shots they take at Hiccup's leg are really funny, im sorry

Aw, Fishlegs does have a crush on her too! We know she does because it was mentioned way back in S1 i think

I just noticed Snotlout's hut has a statue of him holding it, my god

I really wish someone would mention that Snotlout also went through a phase of crushing on Fishlegs, bad, even if it was while he was Thor. That would probably be funny

Awww, I kinda ship them now, they're so cute!

Aw, she has her own hut? It's so tiny and cute

Like, I know she's not staying, but I can't tell why yet, and I really don't want this to end in heartbreak...

These scenes with the Nadder flocks and then Toothless and Windshear are a nice reminder that the dragons are still, well, dragons - the others are already so well-trained I forget they were wild before and had to be trained

I hate myself for this, but I can't help but think Heather is using Windshear as an excuse... There's something else here

Hookfang!!! No, let go of the tsundere dragon!

Sooo, Tuff speaks spanish, okay

"Beans, Snotlout. They're called beans!" "Beeeans~" Omg, these two i swear

Wow, so she is staying, okay, nice, I'm gonna enjoy seeing where this is going

Soo, that's it for the first part of S3

This was a long one, hope that's okay :T

[monstrouslyobsessed]

HELLO !!! not really a question or something but thank you for your works 🙆 they truly satisfy my hidden monsterfucking kinks 🤭 ANYWAYS PLEASE DO CONTINUE WRITING ): I REALLY LOVE THEM SAUURRR MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEW WORKS SOON !!! keep safe and mwah w/ consent 🙏🏻 —anonymous

🥰ahw tysm for reading my works!! i'll do my best, even though i'm slow as shit about it, aha. i'm forever grateful for all your support and it is super appreciated!! <3

Hi, I'm over 20 college student who loves reading dark writings or yandere concepts and just recently found your blog and amazing works. Although requests are closed and I don't want to cause you any trouble, I'm curious whether you're still open for Alucard(Hellsing ) writes,, I have fallen in love with Hellsing and most of all, Alucard and your last writing of Alucard as Vlad the Impaler was so fantastic,, I was hoping to see a prequel version of it(like, HOW Vlad met the reader, and judging from her POV it's likely that the reader was unwilling to become a vampire, let alone become his bride)... it's been quite a while since you wrote Hellsing but I wonder if you're still willing to write a piece of Alucard later on??? Your work of Alucard was truly a masterpiece, and it's sad to think that this is the only Alucard piece in your amazing blog.—anonymous

tbf i kept the backstory between alucard and his turned darling super vague because idk myself tbf;;; there's too many possibilities, from a victim of slavery, war, orphan, childhood friend, etc. possibly! i'm down to write specific animes and whatnot i'm familiar with, i'm just more comfortable writing one-off ocs and monsters because i always just sort of felt like i'd be doing the existing characters wrong somehow?? plus i haven't been reading or seeing many medias these days (not a huge tv show watcher;;; my attention span is that bad, been trying to pick up reading books and mangas again though, personal distastes about certain popular shows aside). yeah i live under a rock.

that said, i do see alucard forcing his darling to hibernate and stashing them away in hiding somewhere when he sensed he was being hunted after and that they will destroy his darling, be it using them up as a gruesome science experiment or just outright killing them. supposed the darling was found and being used as a lab rat though...

we'll see if i ever get around it lmao i have a long to-do list 😭thank you so much for your kind words!

The drawing is definitely ok and you’re an amazing artist 🥰 —anonymous

daw thank you! i really should draw more, huh? <3

I can't stop reading your work! It's amazing. Can I request a continuation of the Pyramid Head fic? —anonymous

i'm not open for requests, sorry! that said, im not sure how to write a continuation for him exactly. i shared some headcanons somewhere in my blog about the fate of his darling and him. plot wise? its still vague to me. other than never-ending smut and, well, 'creating' bunch of monstrous creatures from all the breeding the butcher is doing to his darling, i'm still chewing on ideas.

i'll take notes tho to consider it some more though, ty for your kind words <3

status update: writing is slow. got stuck at where to go in the male ursula knock off piece so i might go and find another wip to work on just to publish something. anyway, concept and headcanons are open. maybe writing something sfw would knock the writers block out.

hope yall are staying cool and safe for those who are dealing with the horrid heatwave! please drink some water to stay hydrated <3 for the others doing ok with their weather, be good to one other, mwah!

edited: missed a question, whoops.

[giorno-plays-piano]

Desire

Pairing: orc!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: obsession, dubcon, Stockholm Syndrome, corruption, breeding, mentions of pregnancy, swearing, size kink.

Words: 1574.

Summary: A wife of an orc, you find yourself gradually submitting to your beast of a husband despite your desire to keep him away.

P.S. I'M SO SORRY! This is just pure filth 🙈 Please proceed carefully!

____________

"You're such a slut." Bucky growled in your ear lowly, abusing your tight and warm cunt as he pounded into you roughly, nearly making you scream. "You like orc cocks so much, huh? You like it when an orc breeds you, you fucking bitch? Yeah, you do... shit... haah." He bit your earlobe, drawing one more moan from you, and then thrusted even deeper. "My sweet human whore."

A thrill of pleasure ran the course of your body, causing you to arch into him, your eyes rolled back inside your skull as you cummed again, screaming his name. Fuck, Bucky was destroying your pussy so well you were opening your legs willingly each time he came back home. You could never even imagine you'd be getting off on him forcing himself on you, his pretty little wifey whom he claimed not so long ago. Bucky loved fucking you into submission with his monstrous cock, showing you your place over and over again. Despite you trying to tell yourself how gross and beast-like he was, you kept cumming beneath your orc with your legs spread wide, your cunt full of his thick sticky seed. He was going to knock you up real soon if he didn't do it already.

Unable to speak from overstimulation, you were mewling with that “fucked-silly” expression on your face, and the orc smirked, his big calloused fingers pinching your sensitive nipples. He loved a sight of you, his lovely human bitch with his cum leaking down your thighs. Nothing was better than a thought of you completely ruined by him. You were so sweet, so innocent with that embarrassed face of yours when Bucky touched you for the first time, watching you look at him with disgust and fear. Corrupting you every damn night when he was pouring lots of his cum inside your tight little cunt was something he could never grow tired of.

"Open your mouth, sweetheart." He growled, and you obeyed, melting from the gentle pet name he gave you. Your mouth was so little compared to him, your tongue too as Bucky licked it, mimicking human kiss and sticking his huge tongue between you lips, his kiss so wet and sloppy as he practically ate you. "You like that, little slut? Who's better at kissing, an orc or your pathetic human boys?"

"You are." You managed to moan into his mouth, sucking his tongue and feeling your pussy twitching.

"Good girl." The orc purred as you licked his canines willingly and coiled your arms around his neck, your breasts pressed into his wide chest. "You gotta bear my kids, sweetheart. A whole lot of them, yeah?"

Knowing Bucky wanted you to answer, you kissed his jaw and mewled, "Yes, I'm gonna give birth to nice little orcs. I wanna be pregnant... mm... r-right now."

His eyes suddenly grew warm at your confession when you panted, licking his saliva from your lips. He made you say those words before, but your had never sounded as sincere as now with your eyes hazy from pleasure, your pussy still convulsing close to his cock that slowly became hard again.

"You humans are so damn fertile. I'm sure I knocked you up already." The orc hummed, his enormously huge hand caressing your lovely curves. "Happy to be an orc's whore, are you? Full with my dirty cum, pregnant, laying on top of me, some heathen... Shit, I love you so much, you bitch."

With that he had sank into your cunt again, molding it into the shape of his cock and groaning from the intense pleasure your warm human body was giving him. Your loud moan was music to his ears when you tried riding him, but you were too spent, almost breathless again, and Bucky quickly rolled over, getting on top of you. You smiled weakly at him when you reached out to touch his lips in a gentle, loving little kiss. Fuck, that along with a thought of you finally accepting him as your mate was almost enough to make Bucky cum.

Letting out a low gutteral sound, he pounded into you with ferocity, burying himself in your overworked cunt. The orc imagined you with a round belly, your full breasts leaking with milk, your little human body aching from carrying his heavy children. He'd be coming back home every day to find you complaining about babies moving and kicking inside you, and he'd be kissing your belly until you felt good, spreading your legs so Bucky would massage the walls of your pussy with his tongue. The thought of you, such beautiful, lovely human woman bearing his kids was making him fuck you relentlessly until you were crying softly beneath him, pressing your forehead to his solid shoulder as you clinged to him, your legs crossed behind his back to keep your mate closer.

With his stamina that could make him go for hours, Bucky kept fucking you until late night, soaking the new bed sheets you put today. He calmed down only when you milked his heavy balls dry, your swollen pussy a mess as the orc pumped more and more of his cum in your womb. You'd nearly pass out if he didn't stop at one moment.

Exhaling loudly, the orc brushed his dark disheveled hair - a nice present from his human grandmother - away from his face and gulped down the wine you left for him on the table. Coming back home had never been better with his wife waiting for him in his bed, her eyes pleading him to fuck her. Despite your stubbornness in the morning when you still refused to behave like a proper wife, Bucky knew you were falling for him, your pussy drenched every time he pulled your skirt up. Once you were growing heavy with his children inside your belly, you'd finally accept your place. Anyway, you'd become a wife of some weak human bastard, so why wasting away a chance to bear kids of someone way superior than a human man?

Leaning closer to you, Bucky did that filthy thing with his tongue you called "a kiss" again, loving the way your little wet mouth felt. Licking its insides and your kitten tongue made him feel warm and nice.

"You're so pretty, woman." Bucky said, and your face grew hot momentarily, making him chuckle. "What, didn't your people call you pretty? Then I will." You tried covering your face, ashamed, but he took your arm away and kept licking your mouth until you relaxed and started sucking his tongue. "Huh, I want my children to have your face, wifey. Bet half of the tribe gonna fell in love with them."

You clinged to him, both ashamed and pleased, and mewled as the orc stroked your back carefully despite having enough strength to smash you with just one hand. Becoming an orc's mate was something parents used as a means of scaring children into behaving, and at first you were utterly repulsed by the creature that called himself your husband. But now... it felt like you just took your place.

The more he was pleasing you in bed, the more you submitted, becoming more and more eager to appease your husband. It went as far as rushing to bed when you heard Bucky coming back home and spreading your legs wide to show him your leaking cunt. He made such a slut out of you, ready to ride him, suck him off, let him pump his seed into your womb while you orgasmed multiple times, moaning beneath him like a cheap whore. You could do nothing as you dreamed of your orc claiming you over and over again until he'd make you have his kids. Shit, you were corrupted to the point you wanted to give birth to lovely little orc kids so bad.

"Bucky, do you love me?" You suddenly whispered, drawing his attention as he stared at you, surprised.

It was the first time you asked. It didn't matter to you before what feelings the orc had for you.

"Of course I do." He said, his large warm hand on your belly as he kissed you loudly. "I can't stop cumming in you, you sweet little thing. I know you humans like serenades and poems and all this shit, but nothing proves orc's love better than a good fuck."

You were terribly embarrassed, but strangly relieved at his words as Bucky drew you closer, wrapping you in his arms. Getting up from his bed, he carried you like a bride across the room, moving to the little spring right at the back of the house. As the orc grabbed a handful of towels roughly, ruining a perfect pile you folded this morning, you rolled your eyes as he chuckled.

"Yeah, I get it, wifey. But let's have you all nice and clean before I'll put you to sleep."

"Put me to sleep? I hope you're not gonna sing me a lullaby. My ears gonna bleed." You grunted, causing the orc to laugh heartily.

"No, woman. I'm gonna fill your cunt and let you sleep in my arms, that's how we put our women to sleep."

"You're such a brute."

"That I am, wifey."

As he hummed, carrying you in his arms despite your protests, Bucky thought of all the goods things that were to happen once you would submit to him completely, and then smiled to himself.

_____________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki   ​@helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin ​@void-hoechlin @abyssaint @heeeyitskay @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherubwrites @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @iheartsebastianstan

[goodqueenaly]

I dont get why nobody didnt want to marry their daughter or sister of to Tyrion Lannister after all he is the heir to Casterly Rock making the bride the further lady of the rock and giving extremly good connection to the family?

How about that ableism, huh?

“You asked me to reward you for your efforts in the battle,” Lord Tywin reminded him forcefully. “This is a chance for you, Tyrion, the best you are ever likely to have.” He drummed his fingers impatiently on the table. “I once hoped to marry your brother to Lysa Tully, but Aerys named Jaime to his Kingsguard before the arrangements were complete. When I suggested to Lord Hoster that Lysa might be wed to you instead, he replied that he wanted a whole man for his daughter. […]

When I offered you to Dorne I was told that the suggestion was an insult,” Lord Tywin continued. “In later years I had similar answers from Yohn Royce and Leyton Hightower. I finally stooped so low as to suggest you might take the Florent girl Robert deflowered in his brother’s wedding bed, but her father preferred to give her to one of his own household knights.”

Westerosi ableism is deep and thorough. This is a patriarchal military aristocracy which expects its leaders to be able-bodied males capable of both performing and leading in typical (that is, knightly or the functional equivalent of knightly) Westerosi combat. Those who, thanks to physical disabilities, are incapable of doing so are considered lesser by the able-bodied. Tyrion has a very obvious physical disability, and has had it for his entire life; from the moment of his birth (when rumors spread far and fast about "the monster that had been born to the King’s Hand"), Tyrion has been othered and mocked as "the Imp", a monstrous creature, someone who could never and would never be equal to able-bodied Westerosi aristocrats. To accept Tyrion as a son-in-law would make him equivalent to able-bodied Westerosi aristocrats, and of course Tywin's prospective marital families couldn't do that; in their minds, Tyrion wasn't "a whole man", after all, only a dwarf, a monster, a mark of shame on House Lannister.

Now, it certainly didn't help the matter that Tywin made very, very clear that he considered Tyrion the lowest among the Lannisters, and would never have publicly (or indeed privately) acknowledged Tyrion as the heir to Casterly Rock. In Tywin's mind, his heir was always Jaime, no matter how increasingly illogical that belief was the more years Jaime spent in the Kingsguard. Jaime was the perfect golden son, the ideal Lannister knight, the one who would get the shiny Lannister sword to match Tywin's Lannister (in all but name) royal heir; Tyrion was the baby Tywin kept hidden in the Rock after his birth, the son he tried to humiliate by giving him charge of Casterly Rock's sewers, the Lannister Tywin refused to allow to take part in the family tradition of a Grand Essosi Tour. I don't want to suggest that obviously Tyrion would have gotten any bride he (or Tywin) wanted if Tywin had treated him as his heir - again, ableism's gonna ableism, and even Willas Tyrell, who is very much held out as Mace's heir, has faced ableism for his own disability - but I doubt Tywin's behavior made anyone more inclined to look past Tyrion's disability to greater dynastic prospects.

Would Tyrion always have been prevented from marrying anyone of any aristocratic rank? Probably not. (Put aside for the moment that Tanda Stokeworth tried pairing up Tyrion with her daughter Lollys, considering that Lollys is herself disabled; this seems to have been less a matter of Tyrion being seen as a worthy aristocratic marital prospect and more about Tanda playing into Westerosi ableism, matching "a dwarf lordling" with "a large, soft, dim-witted girl who rumor said was still a maid at thirty-and-three". Put aside also Tyrion's marriage to Sansa, which was obviously not made with Sansa's consent, much less desire, much less still the consent or desire of the Starks.) Tywin certainly wasn't stooping too low, dynastically speaking, in looking for a bride for Tyrion: even Delena Florent, whom Tywin clearly looked on as soiled goods and a least desirable option, was still a Florent, of one of the oldest blue-blood Houses of the Reach. Had Tywin looked lower still - vassals of vassals or even their vassals, the smallest of small lords and landed knights - he probably could have found one eventually who wouldn't have minded trading a daughter to a Lannister, "even" a disabled Lannister. But Tyrion was a Lannister, even if he was in Tywin's mind the lowest of the Lannisters, which meant he was going to serve the (Tywin) Lannister political interests; I doubt Tywin wanted to "waste" him on a marriage to a very low-ranking aristocrat simply to get him married (especially when, again, Tywin's expectation was to have his ideal heir Jaime father perfect Lannister heirs in turn).

[recentanimenews]

Manga the Week of 9/22/21

SEAN: Even the Delta variant cannot stop the flow of manga coming through.

ASH: Which is impressive, really.

SEAN: Airship, in print, gives us the third volume of Trapped in a Dating Sim: The World of Otome Games is Tough for Mobs.

For early digital titles, we get Mushoku Tensei 13 and Reincarnated As a Sword 9.

Ghost Ship gives us Parallel Paradise 6.

J-Novel Club has some new print titles, the biggest one of interest being the print debut of Tearmoon Empire. The story of a spoiled princess who, after being executed, finds herself in her 12-year-old self, I highly recommend it to all light novel readers.

ASH: I’ve been looking forward to giving this one a try now that it’ll be available in print!

SEAN: Also debuting is the manga version of The Unwanted Undead Adventurer.

They’ve also got Ascendance of a Bookworm’s 7th manga, Infinite Dendrogram Omnibus 3, and Marginal Operation 7.

In digital, we get the manga debut of The Emperor’s Lady-in-Waiting Is Wanted as a Bride. Also out in manga form: Black Summoner 4, Cooking with Wild Game 5, and The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar 6.

Light novels out next week include The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar 17, Seirei Gensouki 16, and Slayers 10.

Kodansha’s print debut is When Will Ayumu Make His Move? (Soredemo Ayumu wa Yosetekuru), from the author of Teasing Master Takagi-san. This is a Weekly Shonen Magazine title about a girl who is trying to get a guy to confess to her, and a guy who only wants to confess after he’s beaten her in shogi. As you guessed, he’s terrible at shogi. This seems fun.

ASH: That does sound like it could be fun.

MELINDA: Sounds fun indeed!

SEAN: In print, Kodansha has Bakemonogatari 10, The Daily Lives of High School Boys 7, Don’t Toy with Me, Miss Nagatoro 8, Drifting Dragons 9, Heaven’s Design Team 6, Living-Room Matsunaga-san 7, Peach Boy Riverside 2, Rent-a-Girlfriend 8, Sachi’s Monstrous Appetite 4, Star⇄Crossed!! 3, Sweat and Soap 9, and Those Not-So-Sweet Boys 4. Printer finally delivered the books, huh?

MICHELLE: Definitely looking to the shoujo offerings in that lot.

ASH: Ditto! I’m glad to see more Drifting Dragons in there, too.

SEAN: Digitally our debut is You’re My Cutie (Kawaii Nante Kiitenai!!), a new Betsufure series about a girl who loves manga about cute kohais falling for cool sempais. Then she meets her own kohai… and reality is not like the manga.

MICHELLE: Hm. Maybe.

MELINDA: What Michelle said.

SEAN: Also: Blue Lock 7, The Decagon House Murders 2, Dr. Ramune -Mysterious Disease Specialist- 5, In the Clear Moonlit Dusk 2, Living-Room Matsunaga-san 10, My Darling Next Door 3, Our Fake Marriage 7, Ran the Peerless Beauty 10 (the final volume), Will It Be the World or Her? 9 (also a final volume), and You Got Me, Sempai! 10 (also also a final volume).

MICHELLE: Must finish Ran the Peerless Beauty!

SEAN: Seven Seas debuts My Wife Has No Emotion (Boku no Tsuma wa Kanjou ga nai), a Comic Flapper title about a salaryman and his robot, and their growing closeness. Um…? Robot?

ASH: I will admit to being intrigued.

SEAN: Seven Seas also has The Dangers in My Heart 2.

Square Enix has The Apothecary Diaries 3 and The Strongest Sage with the Weakest Crest 5.

Tokyopop has Would You Like to be a Family? (Kazoku ni Nattemimasen ka?), a BL title from Gush about a soft-spoken man drawn into his loud co-worker’s life… complete with loud co-worker’s child. This looks sweet.

MICHELLE: Ooh.

SEAN: Viz gives us BEASTARS 14, Dead Dead Demon’s Dededede Destruction 10, Fist of the North Star 2, Hell’s Paradise: Jigokuraku 10, Maison Ikkoku Collector’s Edition 5, and The Way of the Househusband 6.

ANNA: Always glad for more Househusband.

ASH: Same! And I’m still super excited we’re getting Fist of the North Star, too.

SEAN: Actually, come to think of it, this IS less than usual. Manga, are you OK?

ANNA: I am concerned!

ASH: Supply chain disruptions are real!

By: Sean Gaffney

[teachingoutsidethebinary]

Twizzlers and Slushies

Prompt: My prompt for Kinza’s writing challenge was from Bridesmaids! The two characters are sitting on a car having a conversation about weddings. Check out the video here. I extrapolated a bit and imagined what might happen after the video.

Characters: Bucky, Reader

Warnings: none

Drabbles Masterlist

Frazzled. The only word to adequately describe how you were feeling as the maid of honor in your best friend’s wedding. As much as you loved your friend, she was turning into a real bridezilla. Now, she wanted some super specific bag of M&Ms to munch on during her bridal party. And being the good friend you were, you found yourself at the third convenience store halfway praying to god that they had the damn candy and halfway praying they didn’t so you could stay out longer.

You stood outside the store, turned back to the street, and groaned. “Why me?!” you called into the night sky.

“Y/N?” a voice asked from behind.

You froze, face turning red at the thought of someone you knew seeing you this distressed. You turned around and looked into the eyes of the last person you expected to be at a Duane Reade.

Bucky Barnes.

“Bucky?”

Sure enough, it was Bucky freaking Barnes. His metal arm was partially covered by his well-worn t-shirt. His long, brown hair was swept into a ponytail, but a few stray strands framed his face as he smiled at you.

And boy, could that man smile.

You had worked at the Avengers Tower before being promoted to the new S.H.I.E.L.D. facility upstate. Bucky had been fairly close to you, but you had fallen out of touch over the last year.

“Hey doll,” he said, wrapping his arms around you in a huge hug. The two huge bags he held gently fell against your back, and you smiled into his shoulder.

“Snack run?” you asked knowingly.

Bucky pulled back and nodded. “My turn this time,” he replied. He blushed and looked at you expectantly. “So what’s got you all…” he waved his arms around a widened his eyes like a crazy person. God, you really hoped you didn’t look that nuts.

Before you knew it, you and Bucky Barnes were sitting on a large planter in front of Duane Reade eating his stash of snacks that was meant for the weekly Avenger’s movie night. You spilled all the dirty details of your friend’s monstrous personality, and Bucky listened patiently.

You laid back against the cement blocks and sighed.

Bucky took a sip from his Slushie and sighed. “Yeah, that sounds rough,” he replied, smiling sadly.

You nodded, thankful that someone understood your plight. Being a maid of honor really sucked sometimes.

“It’s gonna get better though, right?” you asked, sitting back up. Bucky opened a pack of Twizzlers and handed you a few.

“I would think so,” he replied as you took a bite. The sweetness of the candy made you smile. “Then again…” he trailed off. You looked at him expectantly. “Well, Steve’s got me watching this reality TV stuff, and there was a show about crazy brides. Kinda like your friend. And this one maid of honor got so stressed, her hair started falling out!”

You giggled as Bucky waved his Slushie around to emphasize the point. “That’s terrible,” you said, trying to keep a straight face.

“Planning a wedding should be fun,” Bucky declared, stealing a Twizzler from your hand. “If I ever had a wedding, I’d want everybody to be stress free.”

You stole your Twizzler back, earning a smirk from your favorite super soldier.

“I’d like it to be like a carnival,” Bucky continued as he plucked another Twizzler from the bag. He chewed off both ends and stuck it in his Slushie to use a straw instead of the one already in his cup. You raised your eyebrows at his remark and choice of utensil.

“People could win prizes for guessing the bride’s weight, there’d be dunk tanks.” He nodded solemnly as you hid a smile.

“Yeah, uh huh,” you replied, swallowing your candy. “You could have elephants and the bride and groom could walk on the little tightrope.”

Bucky shook his head. “Okay, what you’re talking about there, that’s a circus wedding.”

“Oh.”

“That’s a…” Bucky paused and put down his cup. He looked you right in the eyes with a gently intensity only Bucky could master. He cleared his throat and smiled. “That’s a totally different thing,” he finished, a faint blush crawling up his cheeks.

“You got me,” you chuckled.

Maybe it was the sugar rush from the candy, but some bravery inside caused you to scoot a little bit closer to Bucky, shrinking the distance between you.

Maybe it was the chilliness of the Slushie that made Bucky scoot towards you too, if only to feel the warmth of your skin against his own. He leaned just a little more and placed a featherlight kiss on your lips. He tasted like a hint of Cherry Coke, and you returned the kiss just as gently.

Bucky pulled back and tucked your hair behind your ears. “So, uh, I know you have to get back to your friend,” he said softly, his right hand stroking your cheek, “but maybe we could hang out?”

You smiled and kissed him on the nose. “I would really like that.”

Bucky glowed as he helped you off the planter. He whipped out another Twizzler and handed it to you as if it were a rose. “Until next time,” he promised. You held the Twizzler against your heart.

“Until next time.”

TAGS: @oneshot-shit @give-buck-his-plums @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @gazebros @theassetseyeliner @yknott81 @sammnipple @snapplejuice @4theluvofall @wificrazymisfit @pookiepookie8

[sggk]

some adaptation: [makes use of the colour green, igor, a monstrous bride, arms held straight out, or god forbid neck bolts]

me: oh so you personally hate mary shelley? so you’re glad she was so sad all the time? huh? you love nothing more than directly insulting her and everything she stood for?

[eyeofthewolfe]

Breaking Earth (Ninjago Fanfic): Chapter 6

Cole realizes that there may be a way to prevent his eminent doom. Meanwhile, Jay receives a gift he had never expected.

(Will try to add the other Chapters soon)

Chapter 6

“You know how to save me?” Cole gasped as he stood up quickly, staring wide eyed with disbelief at the woman.

Madge nodded, her black eyes lacking the twinkle but full of a cold seriousness that chilled Cole’s blood. “However, it might be too late. We must try.” She rushed to the ash-coated door before hesitating. “Young ninja, we must leave at once, or else my efforts of attempting to cure you will fail miserably.”

The Earth Ninja didn’t budge, but he stared at Madge dumbfounded and with his mouth slightly ajar. Finally, he squeaked a few words. “How will you cure me?”

She pressed her lips together tightly before answering, “It’s classified.”

“Then why should I trust you?” Cole instantly snapped, glaring at the figure dressed in black.

The woman took a few quick steps in Cole’s direction making him flinch in surprise. She narrowed her eyes like she was about to scream at him, but finally sighed. “You are right, you have no real reason to trust me. But let me tell you this. I came to this realm and framed myself to earn an immediate audience with the ninja, but especially you. I came here to collect you, because I know of your state and how dangerous it is. But I also know you Cole, as weird as that may seem, and I know that you will do and try anything and everything to not only save yourself but to save your friends, and walking away to die is the hardest thing you could ever do.”

Cole was speechless.

“So don’t run away to embrace your death, come with me to prevent it.” The woman finished, gesturing to the door.

The Master of Earth glanced down at his palms that were now internally pulsing with an orange glow beneath his skin. He looked up at a reflective surface on the wall and recognized his face, but was now almost framed with green cracks. One crack had emerged from the upper right of his forehead and was spreading dangerously close to his right eye. Finally, he turned to Madge, who was starting at Cole nervously as she waited for an answer.

“Fine,” Cole declared as he pushed up his sleeves to his ninja suit. “Where are we headed?”

Madge flashed a quick upturn of her lips as she spun to the door, gesturing Cole to follow. “We are headed to my home realm. There we will have the ability to fix you.”

The two quickly rushed out of the door and down the hallway. “Are we going to go get the Realm Crystal?” Cole anxiously questioned, trying to keep up with the giant lady.

They turned the corner and marched up the staircases to emerge on the deck. “No, that would be ridiculous. The secret entrance is within a day’s walk.”

The night sky was blanketed with stars. A cool breeze instantly hit Cole, and Madge’s high pony tail fluttered softly. Cole looked out on the shadowed horizon as he asked, “Where is the secret entrance?”

Madge lifted her finger and pointed at the mountain range sketched out in shadows in the distance. “The Wailing Alps.”

________________________________________________________

Wiping his nose, the auburn haired teenager slid his way back into the temple, thinking about how he was going to lay in his bed for the next three hours and forty-seven minutes waiting to say goodbye to his best friend. He didn’t even know what he was going to say or how he was going to prevent himself from crying. He made his way towards the stairs when a warm voice called out to him.

“Jason?” Nya’s mother spoke as she approached him.

“Oh, hi Miss Maya, you can just call me Jay.” Jay sniffled. The mother smiled, but then noticed Jay’s broken expression.

“Oh dear,” she brushed some of Jay’s hair to the side like she was his mother. “What is upsetting you?”

Jay sniffed again and wiped his nose. “It’s just…alleriges. The trees here must have a ton of pollen.” He chuckled through a sob making a loud backwards cough sound.

Maya raised an eyebrow then reached in her pocket. “Here, I think you deserve to see this.” She revealed a small square photograph of two women in their twenties. She looked at it with a nostalgic smile before handing it to the young ninja. Jay accepted it, looked down, and gasped.

The two women looked like the picture had been taken while they were laughing at the funniest joke they had ever heard. The lady on the right was clearly a younger Maya, she wore blue robes of an elemental master of water and her cheekbones were incredibly defined. She may be very pretty in the picture, but she didn’t have anything on the gorgeous woman standing next to her.

White blonde hair spilled onto her shoulders in perfect ringlets. Jay recognized his eye and nose shape in the woman, and the huge grin she wore could be an exact replica of Jay’s widest grin. She had electric blue eyes-even more vivid than his- and she was lovingly looking at Maya. She wore darker blue robes garnished with white lightning bolts.

“Is that..” Jay whispered, knowing very well who that was.

Maya wrapped her arms around Jay’s shoulders and looked over his shoulder. “That, my dear boy, is your brave mother. She was such a unique character…she was funny, brave, determined…she had the strongest spirit in all the elemental masters. Nothing could break her.

“However, one thing did affect her spirit.” She smiled as she handed Jay a small dusty picture frame. His mother stood proudly in a glistening white gown next to an incredibly handsome man fitted perfectly in a tux. Tears brimmed at Jay’s eyes. “It was such a wonderful wedding. Cliff was so incredibly handsome and nice, he was a starting actor you see, but the wedding was just magnificent. It blew mine and Ray’s out of the water.”

Jay wiped away a tear. “Miss Maya…thank you for showing me these.” He croaked as he brushed his fingers on the photograph as his bride mother.

She squeezed his shoulders like a mother and then pulled away. Jay extended the photographs back to the black haired woman. “Oh no, those are for you. Don’t worry, I have plenty more of me and my best friend.”

The ninja’s mouth instantly dropped. “My mother was your best friend?”

Maya laughed. “Our parents were very close. It always seems to happen, that lightning and water attract each other. Now, nobody predicted that I was to fall for the Master of Fire, but as he always says, the world works in mysterious ways.”

Jay glanced again at his new prized possessions. Ever since he found out he was adopted, he could only imagine what his mother could have looked like or been like. Now, he had images and even passed down memories of her, and everything was better than he could have ever imagined.

“Well, you should probably try and get some sleep before your shift to keep watch in four hours. I’m sure Cole will be dying to get some sleep at that point.” Jay flinched, and all the good feelings just went down the drain. Maya walked up the stairs a bit, then paused. “And,” she started as she turned back to Jay. “If you need any allergy medicine, come talk to me.” She gave him a wink and then disappeared up the stairs.

Jay looked down at the faded photographs of the two best friends. With a frown, he reached into his ninja suit and pulled out two pictures he always holds onto: one of him and Nya on their first date and one of him and Cole laughing together in the early days. His eyes slowly darted between the photographs of the best friends.

“History repeats itself, huh…” Jay muttered. “Life can’t seem to hold together the best of friends.” He glanced over his shoulder to where the Bounty rested on the floating land mass before tucking the pictures into his suit and making his way up the stairwell.

_________________________________________________________

It was hard to keep up with Madge with her long strides. The tall grass seemed to part for her as her black coat billowed behind her. Cole had no problem keeping up with her, but his weakening body tempted him to decrease his speed. He swallowed down his doubt and fixed his gaze on the mountain range ahead of him.

Once again, the feeling of pure power washed over him as he stared at the magnificence before him. The sky beyond the monstrous rocks was hinting at dawn but the still star speckled sky was etched from the jagged outline of the Wailing Alps.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Madge declared as she treaded onward.

Cole shook his head. “That’s not beauty, it’s power. A sight of that magnificence deserves respect more than compliments.” Madge didn’t respond to that remark, but she hid the small smile that grew on her face after hearing Cole say that.

“So the entrance to your realm is at the Wailing Alps, huh,” Cole thought out loud. “So you are from the Cloud Kingdom.”

The woman chuckled. “I am not a scroll obsessed monk, ninja. Do I look like a monk to you?”

“You could be on vacation,” he snickered, and to his surprise, she gave him a quick glance with a smile. “No, young Cole, this is my uniform. The Cloud Kingdom is our sister realm, and we actually are very similar in design.”

The Master of Earth quickened his pace to stride by her side. “So your realm has floating buildings on clouds too?”

She shook her head. “No, I didn’t mean physically. The purpose of the Cloud Kingdom is to write the destinies of the people of Ninjago. The First Spinjitzu Master carefully crafted each realm as a refection or to serve a purpose to Ninjago, the home realm.”

“Huh,” Cole breathed as he raised a curious eyebrow. “Then what is the purpose of your realm?”

The woman didn’t skip a beat. “It’s classified.”

Cole dropped his jaw into a wacky grin. “Aw, come on! I’m headed there anyways, so I’m bound to find out sooner or later.”

“However, the knowledge of our practice is very dangerous, and can lead to destructive consequences.”

“Lady,” Cole started, using his most dramatic voice. “Right now, I am a destructive consequence.”

There was a pause as the two people trekked across the thick grass in silence. Cole looked up at her to see her expression, which was her narrowed pupils peering at her in the corner of her eyes. “Very well, ninja. We are the Realm of Creation.”

“The Realm of Creation?!!” Cole repeated excitedly. “That’s so cool! You all, uh, create stuff?”

“Like our sister realm who are the writers of the destiny for the people of Ninjago, we create the people of Ninjago.” Madge spoke calmly.

“Create them?” Cole gasped. “How do you create them? Do you like design them? Physically or personality wise? Who have you created that I know? How many-“

Madge rolled her eyes. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I cannot answer your questions, the process is far too greater for your understanding.”

The ninja pouted but fell quiet. They walked some more in silence, when a thought popped into Cole’s head. “Wait. Earlier during the interrogation you said that you were here to retrieve your greatest achievement.” Madge’s face reacted with a slight sign of panic. “You came here to bring me to your realm to save me, which would make me your greatest achievement.”

Madge sighed through her nose. “Cleverness is something that I did program into you.”

The Master of Earth froze in his spot. Madge walked forward a few more paces before stopping herself. “We cannot be halted at any point, Cole, we must move forward-“

“You created me?” Cole interrupted her. She paused and stared at the boy before slowly nodding her head.

“You…created…..me,” Cole repeated again, his eyes wide.

“Clever, yes, but I may have slacked some on your common sense. Now come on,” Madge snapped as she continued towards the mountain chain. Cole hesitated before laughing and then rushing after her.

“I was your greatest achievement?” Cole grinned. “I was the best person you ever created.”

“Yes,” Madge groaned. “Please, stop-“

“Oh, I bet I was the best because you were creating an elemental master!”

This time, Madge faltered in her step. Cole looked over, his smile fading. “What? You knew that I was going to be an elemental master, right?”

She looked him dead in the eyes. “You…you don’t know?”

Cole frowned. “Know what?”

Madge shot forward, leaving Cole behind. “I shouldn’t be the one to tell you-“

The Master of Earth caught up instantly. “Tell me what?”  

The woman turned to face him, her black hair flying upwards in the quick turn. “Cole, you are my greatest achievement because you weren’t born an elemental master.”

_________________________________________________________

Jay didn’t get a lick of sleep for the three and a half hours he laid in bed staring at the photos of his mother while meditating on the upcoming final farewell to his best friend. Those 210 minutes were the longest three and a half hours he had ever sat through, but when the time was up, he wanted more. Stuffing the pictures into his suit, he took off down the hallway, down the stairs, and towards the Bounty.

He slid to a stop in front of the door to the brig, and then took a moment to collect his thoughts and push down the tears. He extended his hand and pushed the door open with a creak.

It looked like a bomb had exploded in the center of the room. Some of the metal bars of the brig itself was completely gone, but the ones that remained were bent away from the center. The room was coated in ash and hissing orange cracks, a sight that was hauntingly familiar to the blue ninja.

Mouth ajar, Jay drifted into the room, shifting some ash on the floor. But one thing was for sure. The prisoner and Cole were gone.

Jay absent mindedly hit the alarm button on the brig wall before collapsing to his knees, making a cloud of ash rise and float around him.

Then he burst into tears.

[thecatwhosleepsin]

As We Are

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Pairing: Adrienette (Adrien Agreste x Marinette Dupain-Cheng)

Type: one shot

Cross-posted on AO3.

Marinette stared dubiously at the growing pile of food on her plate.

“Are you trying to fatten me up for slaughter or something?”

Mock mortification marred Adrien’s features as he scooped some hot lasagna from his plate to hers. “My dear, I would never do that!” he gasped.

Her eyebrows pinched together, her fingers lightly brushing her unused spoon.

“Then, what is all this?” She looked around. “I was working on an important project in my room when you waltzed in, dragged me outside, shoved me in your car, and raced your way to the buffet –a buffet of all places! You did not take my consent into account. This is basically kidnapping! Talk about spontaneous.” She huffed, blowing a hair strand out of her face and crossing her arms.

“Hunger must’ve caused lapses in your memory!” He pushed her plate closer to her and waved his arms comically above his head. “Can’t you remember? I carried you to the front lawn like a bride and tossed you on the bundle of soft pillows at the backseat. I sported all those bruises and scratches just to bring you to lunch. Can’t you see all my efforts to show you my undying love?”

She rolled her eyes, musing to herself the reasons why she’d been stuck with him for almost twenty-three months now. “Well, obviously I am not a fan of surprises and romantic gestures. You could’ve told me where we’re going. And I’m not that hungry!”

The blond waved her off with a hand. “Nonsense, you look famished! All throughout the drive, your poor stomach had been roaring. It wasn’t the most pleasant sound.” He shook his head in disappointment and tutted.

Customers from tables nearby were becoming attentive of their banter and forgot their respective meals. Some raised their eyebrows and some were sniggering, all amused by their unique relationship. Marinette was irritated, though that did not stop her quickly warming cheeks.

Adrien continued on his rant, blissfully unaware of the attention. “You’ve been stressing over your project so much you’ve been skipping meals. Alya and your mother had told me about it. And I’m hurt that you never read my texts. I was worried!”

She was touched by his concern to be honest and felt guilty about skipping meals when she had been deprived of sleep as well. If he didn’t haul her out of her room, he might’ve caused a bigger fit if she ended up in the hospital -and Alya. Oh, Alya. Who knows what she would do.

She sighed and picked up her spoon.

“Eat! I refuse to hear anything else –or do you want me to feed you myself, Princess?” She quirked an eyebrow when she saw the smirk stubbornly tugging his lips. She shrugged and shoveled some pasta from the mountain on her plate, poising the utensil to her mouth. But he snatched the spoon away and she glowered at him.

“I thought you said-“ She was cut off by the delicious food entering her mouth, her eyes sending numerous daggers at him as she chewed the pasta gingerly, trying all her might not to groan at the delightful taste.

He looked smug. “Took your silence as yes to my proposition.”

“I have perfectly functioning hands.” Her fingers reached out in an attempt to seize the spoon back, though it didn’t help that him arms were ridiculously long.

His mouth curved into a small frown and his emerald eyes were so sincere, she couldn’t look away. “Let me do this for you, okay?”

She didn’t know if it was his raw, genuine expression (that she would not admit she cherished very much) or the relentless rumbles of her stomach that made her nod and comply with his request like a dutiful puppy.

His self-satisfied grin stayed plastered on his face throughout their whole exchange and she mused with disdain that it wouldn’t vanish anytime soon.

Marinette didn’t think it was possible, but his grin widened even more whenever he would tease her, bringing the spoon to her mouth with exaggerated coos (“Here comes the choochoo train!”) and then abruptly swerving it away from her as she opened her mouth. At her frustration, she would viciously stomp on his foot, smiling mischievously when he would let out a rather feminine yelp.

Somehow, they had managed to devour the enormous helpings on their plates, even after Adrien went back to the long table thrice to get seconds (despite her threats). The observers around them were surprised to find out the small girl had an incredible appetite, finishing everything her boyfriend (they refused to believe otherwise) had gathered.

“Heavens, that was enough to last me a year.” She sighed and patted the lump on her abdomen, following him out of the establishment. He held the door open, placing his hand over his heart and bowing graciously like a butler. She slapped his shoulder when he straightened up to cheekily beam at her.

“You’ll drive this buffet profitless,” he snorted, taking her hand in his as they made their way to his car that was parked a few blocks away.

She crushed his fingers, face incredulous and fuming. “You were the one who ate as much as a caveman and insisted on more helpings!”

He winced and jerked out of her grip, nursing his throbbing fingers. “Well, you’re my cavewoman. You may be serious about your ridiculous diet, but that monstrous appetite will never disappear, dear. It’s in our nature.”

Her jaw slacked in utter disbelief before sobering up. “You’re ridiculous!” She tiptoed and messed up his perfect model hair, his rich laughter ringing in the air. When his chortles drowned out, he grasped her wrists and she stopped, quizzically peering at him.

“The project you’ve been working on, when’s it due?”

“Huh. What?” She blinked at him, caught off guard by the swift transition of his moods. He was thoughtful now, somber even.

“When’s the deadline of your dress?” he rephrased patiently.

She pursed her lips and pondered. “Oh. The show’s this Friday.”

“That’s still four days from now and you’ve been working nonstop. From what I saw earlier, it was finished.” He pointed out, eyebrows scrunching together.

“No, it wasn’t. It’s still,” she paused, racking her brain for the right word. “-raw. It must be perfect.” Firm resolution burned in her eyes.

He frowned a bit and her lips unconsciously mimicked him. She liked his impish smiles and cheeky grins better.

“It will be perfect, just like every time. I’m sure of it. Just…don’t make us worry too much, okay? No more late nights and skipping meals. I’ll get angry.” He released her wrists to cup her cheeks. “Remember that whatever you get doesn’t make us any less proud of you, it could only be more.”

She kissed his palm, smiling. “Okay.”

He kissed her cheek and bopped her nose with a finger. “Well then, let’s go to the zoo!”

She squeaked when he pulled her to the car, a bit dazed. “What?”

“I told your mom I’d kidnap you for the rest of the day.” Adrien opened the backseat for her and she swatted his hand when she saw the innumerable white pillows, closing the door and calling shotgun instead. She didn’t want to be tempted by sleep after all that food.

“Really?” she asked when he slid into the driver’s seat. She wasn’t surprised. Her mom was always plotting. Two weeks into their relationship, Marinette had discovered several drafts of wedding cakes (with subtly drawn A and M initials) wedged between pages of a logbook when she was asked to retrieve a necklace from her parents’ drawer.

He shrugged and turned the engine on. “Or she told me. Doesn’t matter really. If I had known, I’d do it anyways. I terribly miss you.” He slipped his fingers through hers and brought her hand to his mouth for a kiss.

Her heart melted. Their time together was sacrificed for her fashion projects and his photoshoots. They were happy –really. This year had been the height of their respective careers. But they hadn’t seen each other for a week, opting for Skype calls before bedtime in some particular nights. And it wasn’t enough.

She squeezed his hand, a soft smile on her lips as she leaned on his shoulder, whispering, “Me too.”

[raywritesthings]

THE HARRY POTTER FANDOM

the character i leastunderstand – I’m gonna say Albus Severus, which is a bit of a copout I know,but I legit do not understand this kid or the hype he gets in fandom (Scorbusshippers notwithstanding). He’s like the least interesting of Harry’s kids andI wish either the epilogue or the play had been focused on one of them insteadso we got something other than Albus whining about how he doesn’t want to bethis or that or some other thing. It’s just like…kid, your problems are so. miniscule.compared to literally everyone else’s that it is laughable. I know it’s hard being a teenager or whatever but like…getsome perspective maybe.

interactions i enjoyedthe most – it’s cliché to say the Trio but they’re definitely up there; Ginnyand Luna, or even just the Ginny-Luna-Neville trio; what little we got ofvarious Marauder interactions (and I am definitely including the 800-wordprologue with James and Sirius); Harry and Sirius; Ginny and Harry; theWeasleys; the Trio and Hagrid; Harry and Dumbledore; Harry and Voldemort; and anycombination of Hogwarts professors, those scenes are always gold

the character whoscares me the most – Snape because of his apologist fans. I’m fine with peopleenjoying his character or finding him fascinating, it’s the people that makeexcuses for his behavior and go so far as to blame his own victims for themonstrous things he did to them. It scares me that just cause he was played byAlan Rickman and fandom decided Slytherin was the ~cool house~ his abuses ofpower and his extreme prejudices are excused or justified by so many people.

the character who ismostly like me – I would probably go Ron. We’re both the second-youngest inlarge, not well-off families and we often resort to humor (particularly as acomeback or for lack of anything else to say) even if at times we can getmoody. I like to think that, much like Ron, I am a good friend to those I careabout. Also we both love food.

hottest lookscharacter – umm Sirius Black is canonically so hot that even Harry mustconstantly comment upon how good-looking his godfather was pre-Azkaban. Heprobably showed up the bride andgroom at the Potter wedding

one thing i dislikeabout my fave character – Sirius often exhibited some of the things he hatedmost, like how (likely because of his connection to the rest of the family) hewas often cruel to Kreacher, and the way he picked on Snape as a teen (even ifhe probably saw Snape as a threat to Remus’ secret getting out, it was stillnot cool). It’s remarkable just how much of the problematic stuff he was force-fedas a child he did manage to unlearn, but he’s certainly not perfect. But that’sthe mark of a good character, in my opinion.

one thing i like aboutmy hated character – Snape is really fascinating from a character standpoint,especially seeing how he was essentially his own worst enemy and how the entireseries was him chasing this obsession he had with a woman who never loved himback when if he’d made the right choices in the first place they could have atleast stayed friends and he could be doing something with his life he enjoyed.

a quote or scene thathaunts me – This is less a quote or scene but more a concept: Sirius givingHarry the two-way mirror at Christmas, then sitting alone in Grimmauld Placeday in and day out just waiting for his godson to call. And he never did.

a death that left meindifferent – gosh I really don’t know. Maybe Scrimgeour? Saying some randomDeath Eater seems like a copout, so I’m gonna go Scrimgeour. He could be a realpain a lot of the time, but he died fighting Voldemort’s forces so like…goodfor him, I guess.

a character i wishdied but didn’t – Lucius Malfoy. After everything he did (arranging thepossession of an eleven year-old girl just to get back at a political rival andvicariously commit genocide, viciously abusing his House-Elf(s?), participatingin torturing the Muggles at the World Cup for some drunk fun) and everythinghis family stood for and supported (literally sheltering Wizard Hitler for atminimum one year!) and that slime gets to crawl back to his mansion at the endof it all. Sure, he’s in disgrace or whatever, but I’ll bet he livedcomfortably in isolation the rest of his days.

my ship that neversailed – huh, I really don’t know. I mean I like pretty much most of the canonships, and I already consider Deanmus canon but maybe that one since it hasn’tbeen made explicit yet?

Sendme a fandom!

[whole-dip]

Haunted Mansion

Okay so let's see if I can pull this off. I wanted to do a big analysis/breakdown of a Disney ride to help people better appreciate the art of themed entertainment, as well as help people see a little bit of what my experience is like as I'm riding. I figured I'd go with a fairly popular one, one that a lot of people have experienced, so I chose The Haunted Mansion. I'm gonna be doing the Orlando version because that's the one I've been on.

Okay so we begin in Liberty Square. You're standing in front of the front gate. You see the mansion up upon the hill, the path towards it winds through the front garden/graveyard to the entrance. The sign, at eye level, ominously tells you what's inside. There's a couple different things going on here. First and foremost, you're seeing a spooky mansion up on a hill. Classic example of forced perspective, building something so that when you look at it the proportions give the illusion of a different size. If you think about it, everything you do on the ride could never fit in the building you see before you, but the forced perspective is enough in your mind for you to accept it. As you walk through the line the perspective will slowly shift to make it all make sense to you. The more important thing here is that the mansion looms over everything in Liberty Square. You can see it from almost every part of the land, and that makes it fearsome. That makes kids say either "That big scary house is staring me down and I don't want to go" or "I'm gonna go in that big scary house and conquer whatever is inside" It's a big centerpiece of which the entire rest of the land is built around, the focal point.

Next, you start walking in the line. You're in the graveyard. Funny tombs surround you, and as of a few years ago there are now interactive graves. This is referred to as Scene One. It puts you in the mood, it starts setting the tone. We see a mix of darkness from the graves, but upon further inspection we see that it's all quite funny. This is the tone the rest of the ride will have, spooky whole, funny close up. There's also interactive elements, a ghostly eulogist, a musical crypt, a moving bookcase. This is part of Disney's more recent initiative of having interactive elements in ride queues. This one is one of the more popular examples of good implementation. All of the interactive elements are fairly minimal, main reason being that you need to be moving, not playing with toys.

Now, the doors are opened by a maid/butler and you're welcomed into the foyer. The portrait of the ghost host slowly turns to a skeleton as the voice welcomes you in. The doors close behind you. This is first and foremost, more scene setting. You're being told where you are, what you're doing, how it's gonna happen, etc. It's giving context. But also, you're being corralled unto a group, being more active, and feeling like you're not in line any more, even though you are. You're then welcomed to the stretching room. In Disneyland this serves an actual purpose as an elevator, here it's just for fun. Again, driving home that theme of spooky but fun.

Finally, you enter the load area where you'll be getting on your doom buggy. The doom buggy is an example of what's called an omnimover. The original idea for the ride was that you'd walk through it but the problem was that no one would want to keep moving. The omnimover was developed to allow guests to slowly move through a ride, be turned 360 degrees, but still be in a vehicle controlled by the attraction so that ride times weren't affected.

You quickly move through a small stairwell and then you're on to the hallway with paintings. Your buggy turns and faces you to the paintings, lightning flashing behind you as you hear thunder and the somewhat ominous paintings flash more viciously for just a moment. This scene really captures what the Haunted Mansion is all about. There's a couple of technical effects that are being used, somewhat sparingly if you think about it, to create the sense of "did those paintings just change, or was it my imagination?" that permeates the ride. Here, it's simple UV light being flashed on an otherwise normal paintings. Note the ghost ship, a reference to the original theme of the ride that would have focused more on a nautical home.

Next, the marble busts in the library. Personally, I've always found this room to be a tad boring. The busts are merely concave carvings that look as though they're following you, a common illusion. What's cool though is that this is the "worst" it gets, which is still pretty cool. The ghost host really lays it on thick with the puns here which normally I'd like but here it gets to be maybe a bit too much.

After that we see a piano, seeming to play itself, but a ghostly shadow below playing it on the floor. I think this is incredible because if you think about it for like, two seconds you know exactly how to do this, but it's just so perfectly done that to me I lose myself. I have to remind myself to look for the technical details when I'm riding because if not I'll forget and just see a ghost playing piano. That mastery over simple and straightforward illusions is one of the things that makes Haunted Mansion so perfect.

The infinite stairwell. This room has been changed a ton of times, and it might change again one day. I like that this room helps add to the impending madness of the ride that the story is supposed to be about. A lot of people forget that the Haunted Mansions is supposed to be the story of you questioning if the ghosts are real or if you're just crazy. I think a lot of the story on this ride isn't perfectly done, but this room filled with impossible architecture really helps sell it.

Now, the endless hallway, with a floating candelabra at the end. This room features a ghostly chill that I don't think really works honestly. I never got the sense of that going on, rather it just felt like a weirdly cold spot. The endless hallway is fantastic though, and a scene I think about often. It's such a sparse room if you think about it, but it works so well. It's one of the show scenes that I actually don't really know how they did it.

The opening coffin is the closest thing we've seen to an audio animatronic (AA) that we've seen thus far, and it's great. The way the green light glows from inside, the roughness of the hatch as it's being pushed open, fantastic. I've always loved it, especially as a smaller scene.

Next, another hallway, this time with less effects. We see the sinister purple and black wallpaper that's classic, such a small detail that's commonly known now, but I wonder what it was like for people to slowly notices the menacing eyes in before the internet. The portraits are fun, but repeat a bit too often for me. We end with a monstrous clock, striking thirteen, and the shadow of a massive hand passing over it. To me, this strikes the perfect balance of silly and spooky. Sure, it may be frankly ridiculous, but it's still completely menacing and out to get you.

Now, an incredible scene. Madame Leota's seance. Everyone's doom buggy slowly turns so that we're always in the a big circle, just like any other seance calling forth ghosts. You can look to the other buggies and see them, but of course Leota steals the show. She's a projection on top of the face inside the ball, giving here a ghoulish look, and if you pay attention, the instruments she calls out are floating around the room. I really love the sound design here, as she calls each instrument there's a pause, then a slow but deliberate response. This scene could've easily been far more over top and loud but there's a restraint here that could only come from the history of imagineering that came before it.

The ballroom. Maybe the most iconic scene, or at least one of them, this room is perhaps the most technically complex on the ride. We see the ghostly forms slowly appear before us, all doing their own thing. It's very much a party with some interacting with each other, some on their own. This is pepper's ghost, an old parlor trick commonly used with live actor but here it's done with AA figures. If you notice, you're at a very particular height, not low to the ground, but not on the roof. That's because you're actually about halfway up the room, with ghost AAs above you and below you. Because o the pepper's ghost effect all the figures you see are also on your side of the room, but cleverly the reflections appear as ghosts before you. Pretty cool, huh?

We move to the attic, the domain of the bride, Constance. We see the wedding portraits as the men slowly lose their heads, each one has Constance gaining another pearl necklace. At the end of the room is Constance herself, hatchet in hand. Theme park rides were pretty much invented by film people so they often are developed using film language. Something that has to be accounted for is getting the audience to look where you want them to. If you think about it, this ride is set up kinda like a tracking shot. Slowly you enter the room, meandering through it and ultimately ending on a focal point, in this case, the bride. Scenes like this, with so much cinematic quality while still not being a movie, this is what got me to fall in love with theme parks.

We now begin our descent into the cemetery outside. While many talk about the lore here, that of Constance allegedly killing you and throwing you out the window, there's a far more practical reason for this. At this point, you're on the second floor but you need to be on the first floor. The only way to do that is to lean you backwards for your descent, otherwise you'd be super uncomfortable. The lore is a really good example of adapting story to the physical necessity of the ride.

We're now full in the swingin' wake at the cemetery. The music is fully playing, the ghosts are all out fully having a party, and we're truly surrounded on all sides by show. Our eyes dart around seeing so much and it's sensory overload in the best way. There isn't much to say here in terms of design principles, it is what it is, an all out party. Something I love is the jumping heads behind some of the tombstones. They almost scold you for trying to look too closely, a fun little jump.

Finally, we see the hitchhiking ghosts as a sort of last gag, the projection of the ghosts in our own buggy as a last Wow! and then Constance once more on a mantle as a last scare. A perfect little bow on each aspect of the ride. We unload and exit through a spooky, but well lit, hallway and back outside. The exit quickly pulls us out of the spooky darkness and back into the level of the theming in Liberty Square we had before we entered the queue.

So there you have it, a full breakdown of Haunted Mansion. While I could go on and on about little secrets and the development history and whatnot, I wanted to just do an analysis of what it's like to ride it. All the trivia comes after that initial ride through that leaves you breathless and full of joy.

[vicandsade]

1941-11-20 - A Miserable Object of Public Ridicule (Rush Humiliated On Thanksgiving)

[See additional commentary at The Crazy World of Vic and Sade]

File too big for tumblr – get the episode at the above link or HERE.

Nicer Scott is at it again. He has discovered a dirty secret about Rush and is spreading it all over town.

I love what this episode says about families, and the way that each family has its own unique quirks that no one ever mentions because they’ve always done something a certain way. It can be either eye-opening or embarrassing to have the outside world come into your private family sphere and look with fresh eyes at the way you do things. It never even occurred to Rush that his little knife and fork were unusual, until someone else called attention to it.

What did you find out was weird about your family later in life? I learned that most families don’t put weird-tasting dead bacteria on their popcorn, that animal skulls are not as widely-used in home decor as I thought, and that cars that don’t work anymore usually go to the junkyard, not just the backyard.  

Transcript

———–

ANNOUNCER: Well sir, it's a few minutes past eight o'clock as we enter the small house halfway up in the next block now, and here in the living room we find Mr. and Mrs. Victor Gook spending a quiet evening at home. Vic lounges in the davenport and gazes dreamily at his shoes. Sade is seated in her husband's easy chair beneath the floor lamp, reading aloud from the newspaper. Listen.

SADE: "The bride, leaning heavily upon the arm of her father, was radiant in a goin'-away costume of off-apricot, with stockings and pumps to match, with burnt-caramel accessories and a small cloche hat. She carried a bouquet of mixed garden flowers. Out-of-town guests were Cyrus L. Freech of Kansas City, Missouri, a former employer of the groom; Ed and Will Fulper, Lexington, Illinois; Mr. and Mrs. U.O. Dimp and son Walrab of Red Wing, Minnesota; Harry K. Montgomery of West Pittston, Pennsylvania; Mr. and Mrs. Clark Dunlap of Cleveland, Ohio; Mr. and Mrs. Bill Lacey of Toronto, Ontario; Cadwalder--"

[telephone rings]

VIC: Uh, telephone is ringin'.

SADE: Wanna answer it?

VIC: Prob'ly Ruthie Stembottom.

SADE: No, I'm sure not.

VIC: Then let me hazard a guess it's good old, dependable, down-at-the-heels, solid concrete foundation trustworthy Bluetooth Johnson!

SADE: [laughs] Yes.

VIC: [answers phone] Hello? [pause] Yes. [pause] Why, no, he isn't. Who is this? [pause] Oh. Uh-huh. [to SADE] Sadie...

SADE: Yeah?

VIC: [joyously] Bluetooth Johnson!

SADE: [giggles] Oh, really.

VIC: Good old, sweeter than the flowers of May, it matters not who won or lost but how you played the game, reliable Bluetooth Johnson!

SADE: You'd better talk to him, hadn't ya? Otherwise, he'll hang up.

VIC: [on phone] Uh, Bluetooth? [pause] How are ya, Bluetooth? [pause] Glad to hear it. [pause] No, Rush ducked out someplace right after supper. Any message I can give him? [pause] Oh? [pause] Vernon Peggles is out in the lead? [pause] Okay. [pause] I see. Tomorrow he's gonna buy his second United States Defense Bond, huh? And that puts him way ahead of the rest of you guys. [pause] Uh-huh. Okay, Bluetooth. [pause] You bet. Goodbye. [hangs up] Where is Buttonhook, by the way?

SADE: I haven't any idea. He walked out the kitchen door as soon as he finished wipin' the dishes. He can't have gone very far or planned to stay away very long; otherwise he'd have said something.

VIC: Mmm.

SADE: [continuing to read] Uh, "Cadwallder J. Urquhart of Twillman, Oklahoma--"

VIC: What's this?

SADE: Still readin' what the paper states about the wedding.

VIC: Oh.

SADE: [reading] Uh, "Cadwallder J. Urquhart of Twillman, Oklahoma; Mazda, Esther, James, Donald, Arnold, and Eugene Yeeble of Indianapolis, Ohio; Mr. and Mrs. R.E. Greep of Cincinnati, Indiana; Mrs. William Yonker and infant daughter Rudolfina Margaret Annabelle Beulah of Fishley, Michigan; and J.U. Ebsen of O'Brian, Texas, a college classmate of the groom." Quite a turnout! Hmm?

VIC: Yeah.

SADE: "Immediately after the ceremony, the guests--"

VIC: Oh, here's Stone Bruise. [calls] Hi!

RUSH: [off] Hi.

SADE: "Immediately after the ceremony, the guests were served dainty refreshments at the home of Mr. and Mrs. John H. Wheeper, 917 South Center Street. Fun-lovin' friends of the happy couple painted humorous signs on their motorcycle and decorated the handlebars with old shoes. Since the motorcycle has no sidecar, the newlyweds rode away one seated behind the other."

RUSH: 'Scuse me, people.

VIC: Hey, hey.

RUSH: Kindly forgive the intrusion.

VIC: Think no more about it. You live here in the house and are entitled to come and go as you please.

RUSH: Uh.

VIC: Good old true-blue, heart bigger than all outdoors, reliable old Bluetooth Johnson just phoned.

RUSH: Yeah?

VIC: He said Vernon Peggles is gonna buy his second United States Defense Bond tomorrow.

RUSH: Oh? That puts him out ahead of everybody.

VIC: So Bluetooth allowed.

RUSH: I thought I'd better drop in and tell you somethin', Mom.

SADE: What's that?

RUSH: Nicer Scott is sittin' on his front porch steps.

SADE: Pretty cold to be doin' that, isn't it?

RUSH: I'm goin' over and paste him one upside the snoot.

SADE: [sternly] What's this, now?

RUSH: [dramatically] Once more, Nicer has goaded the human body to the point where civilized flesh and blood can't stand it!

SADE: Has he?

RUSH: He has. And I'm goin' over next door and wang him one upside the bean. Thought I'd better notify you first.

SADE: Maybe you'd better sit down.

RUSH: I can't spare the time! Can't take any chances on lettin' him escape! Any second he might go in the house!

SADE: Sit down.

RUSH: Human flesh and blood refuses--

SADE: Listen, Willie, I'm good and tired of every little while havin' to go over this business with you and--

RUSH: Remember tonight at supper? Nicer comin' in our kitchen and bein' nice as pie and obligin' as a horse?

SADE: I remember--

RUSH: Axlegrease wouldn't melt in his mouth, would it?  He was the fine gentleman with the slick manners, wasn't he?  

SADE: He was certainly poli--

RUSH: Well, every second he was in our house, he was castin' around his eyes.

SADE: What do you mean by that?

RUSH: He was lookin' for stuff!

SADE: [perplexed] Lookin' for stuff?!

RUSH: Lookin' for stuff to pin on me!

SADE: I haven't the slightest notion what--

RUSH: Well...he found some stuff to pin on me. What time did we eat supper?

SADE: Rush, would you kindly--

RUSH: Six o'clock, wasn't it? Six o'clock or a few minutes past? Okay. Well, by seven thirty, he'd been all over town with his meanness.

SADE: I think maybe--

RUSH: Strolled up to the corner of Kelsey and Virginia. Smelly Clark, Willis Rohrback, and Leland Richards were sittin' under the street light. When they saw me, they let out a screech! Mom, in less than an hour and a half, Nicer Scott had made me an object of ridicule before the human race.

SADE: [to VIC] You ask him what he's talkin' about.

VIC: Whatcha talkin' about?

RUSH: [sighs] It's my knife and fork.

VIC: [confused] Knife and fork?!

RUSH: Yeah.

SADE: I think the weather's done something to the child.

VIC: What ABOUT your knife and fork?

RUSH: When Nicer was in the kitchen tonight during supper he SPOTTED my knife and fork.

VIC: Vinegar Cruet, old Saddle Soap, papa's completely in the dark--

SADE: [realization dawning] Oh! Your little knife and fork?

RUSH: My little knife and fork.

VIC: You have the key to this mystery?

SADE: [laughing] You know his little knife and fork he eats with!

RUSH: I eat with 'em because you put 'em beside my plate!

SADE: I always put 'em beside your plate. Never heard ya complain.

RUSH: I never complained because it never occurred to me a snake-in-the-grass like Nicer Scott'd use 'em against me.

SADE: What did Nicer tell the boys?

RUSH: He told 'em, "Rush Gook eats with a knife and fork a third the size of regular knives and forks. Rush Gook eats with a knife and fork where there's angels engraved all over and 'Darlin' Baby' printed on the back."

SADE: [laughing] Why, that little dickens!

RUSH: He spread it all over town! I'm the miserable object of public ridicule.

SADE: [laughing] Why -- Bess give him that knife and fork. When he was three years old.

VIC: Mmm.

SADE: They aren't REALLY baby things. They're smaller than regular knives and forks, but not any two-thirds smaller. Person'd hafta look twice to tell the difference.

RUSH: Nicer Scott looked twice. In fact, he musta stood there STUDYIN' the halfwit knife and fork. He told the guys about the angels engraved all over. Told 'em about "Darlin' Baby" printed on the back.

SADE: [giggles] Well, I expect he did make it sound funny to the kids. A monstrous great big grown-up high school gentleman fourteen years old usin' sweet dainty little knives and forks...

RUSH: He's made it sound funny, and he's had his fun. Now I'm goin' over and smash his head.

SADE: Oh, no you're not.

RUSH: You suggest I leave him get away with this?!

SADE: I suggest you sit still.

RUSH: Right this minute he's seated on his bottom front porch step. Wouldn't take me four seconds to step over and paste him one upside the snoot.

SADE: Well, you're not gonna do it.

RUSH: Imagine! Come over to our house this evenin' while we were eatin' supper. Was all friendship and soft talk and high-class manners. "Been a warm day, Mis' Gook! You're lookin' well, Mr. Gook! I see ya enjoy jelly on your bread, Rush!" And all the time, his eye was rovin' around. He spotted my little knife and fork with the angels on it and "Darlin' Baby" printed on the back. He got the details well in mind, then he excused himself and went outdoors and run like the dickens all over town to spread the news. You shoulda heard the screamin' and yellin' when I showed up at the corner of Kelsey and Virginia. On account of Nicer Scott's polite visit this evenin', I am now a miserable object of public ridicule.

SADE: Oh, I doubt it's that bad.

RUSH: It IS that bad. I'm goin' over and punch his dimwitted jaw.

SADE: I say you're not. Now, listen, Rush, we've been through this business again and again and again and you oughta understand by now I don't intend--

[telephone rings]

VIC: Telephone is ringin'.

SADE: --to take chances on bein' on the outs with next-door neighbors. Kids' quarrels is one thing and grown-up quarrels is another and I--

VIC: Telephone is ringin', telephone is ringin'.

SADE: Answer it, Rush.

RUSH: Probably somebody callin' up to josh me.

SADE: Well, answer it; you're right there.

VIC: Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if it was good old, trustworthy, "love me love my dog," Mary is a grand old name, reliable Bluetooth Johnson again?

RUSH: [answers phone] Hello? [pause] Oh, hello, LeRoy. [to VIC and SADE] LeRoy Snow.

VIC & SADE: Hmm.

RUSH: [on phone] What is your business, LeRoy? [pause] Will you repeat your question, please? [pause] No, LeRoy, I do not wear a baby bonnet when I go to bed. No, and I don't wear bibs or booties, either. [pause] Was that all, LeRoy? [pause] Very well, LeRoy. [pause] Not at all, LeRoy. Anytime, LeRoy. [pause] Only too happy, LeRoy. [pause] Certainly, LeRoy. [pause] Depend upon it, LeRoy. [pause] Now allow me to bid you goodbye, LeRoy. [pause] Goodbye, LeRoy. [hangs up] See?!

VIC: [chuckling] They're just havin' a little fun at your expense.

RUSH: I'll smash Nicer Scott's chin.

SADE: Of course you'll do nothin' of the kind.

VIC: Pete, allow me to tell ya a little story about Benjamin Franklin and what he said to his manservant while flyin' a kite near the city of Philadelphia early in the year 1820. It just so happened this manservant's name was Charlie, and there was nothin' he liked better than bread with sugar on it. Well sir, accordin' to history, Benjamin Franklin --

[telephone rings]

RUSH: Telephone is ringin'.

VIC: Oh, so it is, by George! If it could only be good old, brown as a berry, even steven, dependable Bluetooth Johnson!

RUSH: [answers phone] Hello? [pause] Oh yes, Milton. [to VIC and SADE] Milton Welch.

SADE: Ah.

VIC: Hm.

RUSH: [on phone] What brings you to the telephone, Milton? [pause] Hope you didn't disturb me while I was sittin' on my father's knee while he sung me to sleep, huh? [pause] Not at all, Milton. I assure you I wasn't sittin' on my father's knee bein' sung sleep. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [pause] You bet. [pause] Well, just AWFUL nice of ya to call. [pause] Yes, indeed. [pause] Uh, call again sometime, won't ya? [pause] Okay, Milton. You bet. Sure thing, Milton. Goodbye, Milton. [hangs up] Wonderful stuff, huh?!

SADE & VIC: [chuckle sympathetically]

RUSH: I will step next door and fix Nicer Scott good!

SADE: No, you won't! Goodness, talk about makin' a camel's back out of a molehill. Now, what do you care? It IS kinda halfway comical, a big fourteen-year-old high school gentleman usin' a dainty little knife and fork with "Darlin' Baby" on it to eat his supper with.

RUSH: Is it kinda halfway comical that a BABOON like Nicer Scott'd enter my private home like a wolf in sheep's clothing--

SADE: Why, sure! You'd probably have done the same thing. I bet if you caught Heinie Call across the street eatin' his supper with a little knife and fork like yours you'd--

[telephone rings]

VIC: The telephone is ringin'.

RUSH: I'll get it.

SADE: [low voice] Always something, huh?

VIC: [chuckles] Yeah.

RUSH: [on phone] Hello? [pause] Yes. [pause] Who? [pause] I seem to recognize the voice, but I can't quite place it. [pause] Mildred? Mildred who, please? [pause] Risdel? [pause] Fizdel? [pause] Bisdel? [pause] T like in 'Tomahaw--' Oh, Tisdel! Oh, sure, I recollect ya now.  Uh, Mildred Tisdel, isn't it?

VIC: Hey, hey.

SADE: Hey, hey is right.

RUSH: What is your business, Hildred? I mean, Mildred? [pause] Do I feed myself with my little knife and fork or do my parents do it? Uh-huh. Why, I feed myself, Mildred! [pause] Yes! [pause] Not at all, and thanks for calling. [pause] Certainly. [pause] Certainly...goodbye, Mis'...Risedale, or whatever it is. [pause] Ah, yes, Gisdel! Goodbye, Mis' Gisdel. [hangs up] See?! Even the girls!

SADE: Oh, you lead a miserable life.

RUSH: I'll go next door and lop Nicer Scott's ears down around his chin.

SADE: I don't think you will. Listen, you can explain to your friends it was your mother's fault. [giggles] It is, too.

VIC: Uh?

SADE: I've always thought of that little engraved knife and fork just bein' what Rush uses to eat with. Year after year, ever since he started eatin' with knives and forks, I've put 'em beside his plate. And like I say, they're not actually baby things. They're almost as big as regular knives and forks. When I set the table I invariably get 'em outta the drawer and put 'em beside Willie's plate. Never crossed my mind I had a grown-up fourteen-year-old man for a son, and was givin' him knives and forks covered over with angels and marked "Darlin' Baby."

VIC: [chuckles]

SADE: [chuckles] Silly, huh?

VIC: [chuckles] Yeah.

SADE: Oh, forgive me, ashtray.

[pause]

RUSH: Oh...it's okay, I guess.

SADE: Is it?

RUSH: [chuckle] Sure.

SADE: Begin to see the comical side, huh?

RUSH: [chuckles] Yeah.

SADE: Where ya goin'?

RUSH: Upstairs.

SADE: Read a nice book?

RUSH: [down] Uh-huh.

SADE: Well, that's fine.

RUSH: [down] Uh.

SADE: I'll put your little knife and fork away in the buffet someplace.

RUSH: [off] Okay.

SADE: Stuff happens, don't it?

VIC: [chuckles] Yeah.

SADE: Stuff happens. [pause] Where was I here in my newspaper piece?

VIC: Uhhh.

SADE: Why, say, I left out a whole paragraph!

VIC: Did you?

SADE: List of names.

VIC: Hm.

SADE: Out-of-towners.

VIC: Hm.

SADE: "Mr. and Mrs. David Yasher and sons Chauncey and Beef of Pittsburgh, Iowa; Ed K. Frapp, Junior, Mulish, Vermont; Sidney, Lila, Hobert, Gus, Vivian, Grace, Howard, and Stungle Houch, Dismal Seepage, Ohio; and Miller Y. Miller of Itcher, Montana." A real turnout, hmm?

VIC: Uhh.

SADE: "Immediately after the ceremony, the guests were served dainty refreshments at the home of Mr. and Mrs. John H. Wheeper, 917 South Center Street. Fun-lovin' friends of the happy couple painted humorous signs on their motorcycle and decorated the handlebars with old shoes. Since the motorcycle has no sidecar, the newlyweds rode away one seated behind the other."

[recentanimenews]

Manga the Week of 12/15/21

SEAN: If you buy these manga, they should still arrive by Christmas!

Denpa Books has Gambling Apocalypse: KAIJI 3.

ASH: Looking forward to this one coming out after all the delays!

SEAN: Ghost Ship has a debut, Who Wants to Marry a Billionaire? (Tamarowa), a Comic Days title about a game show where debt-ridden women try to show a rich guy why they’d be a great wife. Most of it seems to involve their, um, technique, shall we say.

No debuts for J-Novel Club, but lots of ongoing digital light novels and manga. We see Cooking with Wild Game 15, Culinary Chronicles of the Court Flower 4, Dahlia in Bloom: Crafting a Fresh Start with Magical Tools 2, Dragon Daddy Diaries: A Girl Grows to Greatness 2, The Emperor’s Lady-in-Waiting Is Wanted as a Bride 3, the 7th Faraway Paladin manga, Fushi no Kami: Rebuilding Civilization Starts With a Village 5, and Her Majesty’s Swarm 4.

Kaiten Books has Gacha Girls Corps 3 digitally.

No debuts from Kodansha either, but we get some finales. In print, we see Ajin: Demi-Human 17 (the final volume), Gleipnir 10, Magus of the Library 5, Sachi’s Monstrous Appetite 5, A School Frozen in Time 4 (the final volume), That Time I got Reincarnated as a Slime 18, and Vinland Saga 12.

MICHELLE: The first volume of A School Frozen in Time was fun. I look forward to seeing how it wraps up.

ANNA: I’ve had Vinland Saga pre-ordered forever.

ASH: Same! I love that series so much. Glad to have more of Magus of the Library to read, too.

SEAN: The digital debut is SHAMAN KING & a garden, a spinoff of the main series focusing on the women in the cast. It runs in Nakayoshi, so is definitely for shoujo readers.

There’s also Are You Lost? 8, Cells at Work and Friends! 6 (the final volume), Giant Killing 28, Peach Boy Riverside 9, Police in a Pod 7, A Sign of Affection 5, Vampire Dormitory 7, and Yamaguchi-kun Isn’t So Bad 5.

MICHELLE: I need to have a Giant Killing marathon and soon.

SEAN: One Peace Books gives us Higehiro: After Being Rejected, I Shaved and Took in a High School Runaway 2 and The New Gate 7.

Seven Seas has no light novels, print or digital, out this week. Because they’re devoting all their energy to the debut of three Chinese Danmei novels, which are SUPER SUPER POPULAR. Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation: Mo Dao Zu Shi, Heaven Official’s Blessing: Tian Guan Ci Fu, and The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System: Ren Zha Fanpai Zijiu Xitong are all out next week. I’ll be giving the last of those a try, since it’s a reincarnated villain(ess) book.

MICHELLE: I am very, very excited about these.

ANNA: I expect even more (is it possible?) Danmei fever.

ASH: I am likewise very excited for these! Having greatly enjoyed watching The Untamed, I’m looking forward to reading the source material and then some.

SEAN: Seven Seas also have some manga debuts. semelparous runs in Comic Yuri Hime, and asks what Attack on Titan would be like if it were a yuri series.

ASH: Huh.

SEAN: The Two Lions (Futari no Lion) is a one-shot BL series that ran in Gentosha’s Rutile. A guy trying to change his reputation goes to a distant university. Unfortunately, the only one there who befriends him is a classmate from his high school!

ASH: I’m intrigued.

SEAN: There is also Dai Dark 3, Dungeon Builder: The Demon King’s Labyrinth is a Modern City! 5, Failure Frame: I Became the Strongest and Annihilated Everything With Low-Level Spells 3, Headhunted to Another World: From Salaryman to Big Four! 2, Kageki Shojo!! 3, Magical Angel Creamy Mami and the Spoiled Princess 3, Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid 11, Reborn as a Space Mercenary: I Woke Up Piloting the Strongest Starship! 2, ROLL OVER AND DIE: I Will Fight for an Ordinary Life with My Love and Cursed Sword! 2, She Professed Herself Pupil of the Wise Man 3, Superwomen in Love! Honey Trap and Rapid Rabbit 3, and Uzaki-chan Wants to Hang Out! 6.

ASH: That’s quite a bit! Dai Dark is the one that has most of my attention, though.

SEAN: Square Enix has Suppose a Kid from the Last Dungeon Boonies Moved to a Starter Town 5.

SuBLime debuts Therapy Game Restart. First there was Secret XXX, then Therapy Game, and now its sequel, Therapy Game Restart. Also running in Dear +, the main couple try to avoid Moonlighting Syndrome.

MICHELLE: I’ve heard good things about Therapy Game so should probably check this out at some point.

SEAN: Also from SuBLime is the 2nd volume of Black or White.

ASH: Which reminds me that I still need to read the first…

SEAN: Tokyopop has the 2nd and final volume of Springtime by the Window.

Viz, for some reason, did not have Natsume’s Book of Friends 26 on their website (they still don’t), so I missed it was out this week. Pretend I didn’t! It’s totally on last week’s Manga the Week of!

ASH: Such a good series, whenever it’s released.

SEAN: Viz Media gives us Call of the Night 5, Fullmetal Alchemist: The Land of Sand (a light novel), Kirby Manga Mania 3, Komi Can’t Communicate 16, Pokémon: Sword & Shield 2, and Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle 16.

Yen On debuts Magical Explorer: Reborn as a Side Character in a Fantasy Dating Sim (Magical Explorer – Eroge no Yuujin Kyara ni Tensei Shita Kedo, Game Chishiki Tsukatte Jiyuu ni Ikiru), where a young man is reincarnated into an 18+ dating sim with gorgeous girls who all sleep with the hero!… except he’s not the hero. He’s the goofy best friend. Who gets no girls. Well, THAT will change.

We also see the 11th and final volume of Do You Love Your Mom and Her Two-Hit Multi-Target Attacks?, and In the Land of Leadale 4.

Two debuts for Yen Press. The Detective Is Already Dead (Tantei wa Mou, Shinde Iru) is a Comic Alive title that adapts the light novel of the same name.

The Splendid Work of a Monster Maid (Kaibutsu Maid no Kareinaru Oshigoto) is a Comic Newtype series. A phantom girl hunting for her master ends up in a foreign world inhabited by demons, where she must… become a maid?

Also out from Yen: Hazure Skill: The Guild Member with a Worthless Skill Is Actually a Legendary Assassin 3, I’ve Been Killing Slimes for 300 Years and Maxed Out My Level 7, Teasing Master Takagi-san 12, and That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: The Ways of the Monster Nation 5.

Which of these looks like a great Christmas gift?

By: Sean Gaffney