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jesncin · 2 days ago

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The Portrayal of Noah Ikumelo's Disability in Spurrier's Hellblazer and Dead in America run

Noah Ikumelo is a divisive new character introduced in Si Spurrier's 2019-2020 Hellblazer 12 issue solo (illustrated by Aaron Campbell and Matias Bergara, colors by Jordie Bellaire), he continues appearing as a recurring character in Hellblazer Dead In America (2024, 11 issues) Spurrier's long awaited continuation of his original run. Introduced in the very first issue as a Black, mute (hearing, but unable to orally speak) teenager who predominantly uses BSL to communicate.

We'll be discussing how Noah's disability was portrayed, how effective it was narratively, and thoroughly analyze the limits and ableist biases comics have as a visual language. Spoilers for Spurrier's Hellblazer and Dead In America run below. CW for ableism, racism, SA, police brutality, and general violence.

Disclaimer!! I am an able-bodied person with only occasional interactions with the Deaf community and am still studying ASL in my own time. All of these observations are made from an outsider perspective. I feel that starting a critical discussion from any source of knowledge for other more informed perspectives to follow up on is better than having no discussion at all.

However! I can offer some valuable perspective as a ~classically/formally trained~ comic artist- because we'll be discussing some inherit biases with how comic artists are trained to illustrate communication in this visual medium. I'll also be talking about lettering, which I'm nitpicky about so if I'm an expert on anything, it's those things.

I won't be going through each issue in as much detail as these first few issues for the sake of set up, but I will stop every now and then to discuss the portrayal of some scenes.

Let's start with Noah's very first appearance in Hellblazer 2019 #1. Noah is introduced as one of the very young members of a gang called the Ri-Boys. He's tasked with kidnapping a magic specialist to help get rid of murderous angelic spirits in their local park that are getting in the way of their prime location for selling drugs. He kidnaps John Constantine, who is quickly informed that Noah is mute.

Noah doesn't sign at all in this first issue, opting instead to communicate with a little notebook tied around his neck.

Despite K-Mag's (the gang leader) justification for recruiting teenagers as a "refuge" from a world that hates them, he's not afraid to treat Noah as disposable. He opts to send Noah's able-bodied friend (named Isa) on an errand instead of Noah because they "don't need no tongueless splesh backin' on ops-" and threatening Noah's life in order to get John to cooperate. So narratively the set up is clear: even though this gang is meant to provide jobs for the marginalized, it's still a bigoted organization that doesn't treat Noah well.

After accompanying John to the park where the angelic spirits murder another junkie, Noah is so traumatized by what he witnesses that he throws up on his notebook- rendering it unusable. Issue #2 starts with Noah raving in BSL (the image at the very top of this essay) to his gang mates that ignore him. When John asks if anyone knows sign language, he gets no response. It's clear that Noah is an outsider even among the Ri-Boys. Regardless, by the end of the issue in the following day, Noah is back to using his notebook (I guess he got a new one).

So. The notebook. I'll be honest I hate the notebook. It's such a clunky thing for Noah to carry around his neck, and it's clearly a set up so that Noah throws up on it and can't communicate to people who don't know sign.

On personal experience alone, I've been able to communicate with deaf people through texts on a shared phone. We'd just pull up notepad and write to each other to bridge the language barrier. And (as I've been informed by @scoliwings!) if phones running out of batteries is the worry, there's also pocket-sized boogie boards as a handy means of communication. At the very least Noah canonically has a phone (he is texting John in the panel above), and the Ri-boys can afford an ipad that K-Mag uses. These boogie board devices are much more affordable than either of those items and far better than a notebook.

Throughout Spurrier's treatment of Noah's disability, there will continue to be a sense of "we haven't even exhausted basic options to bridge a language barrier yet-" and this one is the first instance of that.

[this is not how the panels look in the comic, I chopped and arranged the last panel to save up on tumblr blog image space]

To keep this essay focused on Noah's disability, by issue #3 after some plot stuff progresses, John reveals to Noah that he actually can understand BSL. It turns out he knows "a bit" of BSL from a relationship he had with a deaf man in the 90s. Regardless, throughout Spurrier's whole run, John is shown to understand Noah's signing fluently. You might be wondering why John kept this a secret. Was he withholding his understanding of BSL so he could "eavesdrop" on something Noah signs to his friends without knowing? Nope. This reveal had no narrative purpose; John gained nothing from hiding this from everyone and it retroactively makes earlier scenes weirder. John just decides to reveal this to Noah for no other reason than to be a jerk I guess?

Once John fixes the "murderous angels in the park" problem, he also convinces K-Mag to let go of Noah from the Ri-Boys gang so that Noah can live a more honest life going to school (we will never see this) and uh. Being John's new personal driver. John used to have a friend, Chas, who drove him around everywhere but with Chas gone now- Noah is narratively set up to take his place.

Eagle-eyed readers might notice something odd about the way the scene where John reveals to Noah that he understands BSL is staged: if John supposedly understands what Noah is signing, why is he walking away, yet responding to what Noah is signing behind him? Yeah. This is one of the most annoying artistic blunders throughout all of Spurrier's Hellblazer runs with Noah. Despite Noah being mute, other characters still act like they can "hear" him.

Sign language isn't a language you can passively listen to. When someone is signing, that means you have to be looking at their hands and facial expression in order to understand what they're communicating to you. A casual irl example- in art school us hearing students could draw in our sketchbooks as the teacher lectured. A deaf student we had that year had to clarify that was not something they were able to do. As whenever the lecturer spoke- that meant that student would have to look up to their interpreter translating the lecture. So they weren't able to catch up with the classwork the way us hearing students could.

You'll notice in the panels above, John is preoccupied and talking to someone on his phone. Yet he's "hearing" what Noah is signing to him. John self identifies as someone who knows "a bit" of BSL- meaning he's not fluent. But this doesn't go anywhere since John's functionally fluent throughout both runs. It's like having a character say they know "a bit" of French only to show them being fluent through the whole story. Why bother mentioning a language barrier if it wasn't going to matter?

In these panels, Noah is signing while facing to the side- as in he's not facing John directly as he's signing, which obscures his signs from being clearly read. This wouldn't be a problem for folks who are way more fluent with any sign language (they can recognize signs at many angles), but for newbies you'll usually have people signing with their torso directly facing the other person to be as clear as possible. And they'll sign a lot slower. Little nuances like that make it clear that no one on the Hellblazer creative team have conversed with deaf people before- but why would something so obvious not be considered in the artistic direction of this run?

Let's quickly go over comics visual storytelling and how comic artists are trained to tackle staging a "talking heads" scene. Scenes like this are when characters are having a long conversation, visually giving the scene a "samey" vibe. Our job as comic artists is to keep the visuals interesting, so there are a ton of tricks we're taught to vary up how a conversation looks. We'll have a character hold a prop, walk around, look away to something else, have characters multi-task as they talk (bonus if it's thematic to the conversation), basically outside of zooming in and out it's good to keep a character busy to give the scene visual variety. Anything to break out of that silhouette of two characters directly facing each other.

[these are not how the panels are presented in the comic, I spliced these panels from 2 different issues to save up space]

Therein lies the problem: these tricks rely on an able-bodied standard of communication in order to function. Having a character like Noah communicate in sign, relies on the character he's signing towards to be paying full attention. Tackling "talking heads" as a comic artist explains but doesn't excuse these horrendous instances where poor staging of the characters ends up accidentally implying Noah "has a voice" because the able-bodied characters sure seem to be able to "hear" him even though they're facing all sorts of directions. Again, this just means the artist and writer have to rise to the challenge of keeping the scenes visually interesting while being inclusive to the disabled character the writer introduced into this world.

While we're talking about comics, I'm just going to go ahead and say I'm not a fan of the letterer's choices to visualize Noah's dialogue. To differentiate from the other characters, Noah's speechbubble is more like a caption box- it's square and light green. Instead of a tail pointing out of it to indicate who is talking like a traditional speechbubble would, instead Noah's dialogue box has a long arrow coming out of it. The arrow pointing out is just so corny. It says: "look! here's where the words are coming from! His hands!! Whoaaa".

Moreover, the arrows ruin the visual flow of the comic pages. We humans are hard wired to look at where an arrow is pointing. It's what that symbol is designed for. It's why all those clickbait youtube thumbnails have arrows pointing on them, it steals your attention. The best kind of speechbubbles are unobtrusive to the art, complementing it. Having it so that whenever Noah has dialogue we get these annoying arrows that stick out of the page composition just ruins it. Here's what it looks like edited on other characters' speechbubbles. It's a lettering eyesore.

I see no reason why Noah can't have a speechbubble tail like everyone else. I personally like making the speecbubble tail a lil-squiggly when I'm drawing a speechbubble for a character signing. Differentiating the speechbubble enough but not to the point it's obtrusive to the page flow.

Additionally, Noah has "translation brackets" around his dialogue- it's a block of dialogue that starts with the "less than" symbol and ends with the "greater than" symbol to indicate a sentence being translated from another language.

<So you'll have a character's dialogue look like this in the speech bubble.> *

accompanied by a translation box clarifying that the dialogue is; [*translated from French, for example] in the first instance we see the language featured in the comic. Of course this isn't the only way to portray language in comics, sometimes letterers will go for using colored text to differentiate languages. There's no standard look! Noah's dialogue never featured an initial caption box that discloses what language he's signing in. I'm going to charitably presume that it's a stylistic move away from that practice so that the reader is put in the same confused position as John is upon first meeting Noah.

I don't personally have an issue with the application of translation brackets to Noah's dialogue. Because even though Noah is communicating in a type of English language (British Sign Language), what we're seeing written in the dialogue of the comic isn't a direct translation of what he's signing. Unless it's Sign Exact English, sign language has different sentence structure, grammar and syntax from spoken English. So if Noah signs something like "#BUS RED YOU SEE WILL", then that translates to him saying "You will see a red bus." in written dialogue. It's a translation of his signing, even if it's still English.

I don't think there's an indisputably correct way to portray sign language in comics. Something like this will go down to personal stylistic choice of the artist. Maybe one artist decides they don't want to put brackets on ASL dialogue because they'd rather use that to differentiate English language from non-English language. There's an argument to be made either way! So long as you commit to your set of rules, I can at least try to engage with where an artistic choice is coming from even if I disagree with how it's done.

Unfortunately, that's not the case for Dead in America:

It's in the very last issue of the run, but well. You forgot the translation brackets there, guys. Sloppy work.

To wrap up Noah's arc in Hellblazer 2019, Noah is revealed to be John Constantine's son. John had a graveyard fling with Liza Ikumelo, a police woman (barf), thereby insulting a demonic spirit (and by extension, me, the reader). Many years later the spirit hunts down the woman, cursing her to an eternal sleep. Her child, Noah, was nearby and by proxy lost his voice from the incident. So it's John Constantine's fault that Noah's mute, and that Noah's mom is in a coma. Hellblazer 2019 ends with John feeling an immense guilt for forcing Noah to kill a friend, meaning they now have to flee the country. John doesn't tell Noah that Noah is his son.

So despite the poor portrayal of Noah's disability in this run, his character overall at this point was a really interesting addition to Hellblazer lore. He has a unique background of hardship; cursed by John's shenanigans at birth without even knowing it, and despite all of that he still has it in him to want to help and be kind. The reveal that he's John's son adds a layer of tragedy to everything- what does it mean to be another continuation of the Constantine family? Without even knowing it? There's plenty of angst on John's end of things, having unknowingly been an absent father for years. We get to see echoes between father and son in their actions. They're both from harsh backgrounds but humanitarians at heart, in different ways. It's very compelling stuff.

Years later, Dead In America is released as the long awaited continuation of this story. John, his friend Nat, and Noah are in America now, going on a long cross country road trip in a double decker London bus. Why? Just because. Noah and Nat take turns driving because John can't drive. In my opinion Dead In America is a bigger, more convoluted plot so I will stick to summarizing things that are relevant to Noah's disability.

This run has all the same problems as the 2019 Hellblazer run does with characters not being staged properly when Noah is signing to them, but it's the very first issue that reveals something particularly damning about how Spurrier views sign as a language.

As Noah is driving the bus he is instructed not to stop for anyone. But later that night he suddenly does. John berates Noah, only to be surprised that Noah is speaking (and sounding uncharacteristically posh)! John suddenly can't speak, instead he signs. This is how he realizes he's in a dream and regains his ability to speak. It's clear what's intended by the storytelling here. Seeing an able bodied person sign is part of the surrealism that makes this scene out of the ordinary. It's supposed to be odd that John is signing, because it's weird that Noah is the one speaking. Signing is a thing only disabled people do, not anyone else. This dream sequence is the only time a character other than Noah signs.

This single narrative choice has a drastic ripple effect on the rest of the run; it means that through both runs, no one ever signs back to Noah. According to the National Association of the Deaf, 72% of hearing parents with deaf kids don't learn sign language. This leads to deaf kids struggling culturally within their own families. Sign language expresses things that written or spoken languages can't. So having their own family not bother to learn sign is deeply isolating for deaf kids. By not having anyone but especially John sign to Noah, any narrative attempt to portray familial care and consideration between the two is undercut by this barrier. Sure John cares for his son in his own way, but not enough to converse with him in his own language.

This is when it became clear to me that Noah's use of BSL functions more as "a voice but #diverse" instead of portraying sign language as a culture and community of its own. It's like characters of color being written as white, where their identities are just a palette change. Only here, it's more of "this character is speaking, but with his hands this time" never mind how that drastically changes how a character navigates the world and how people interact with him. Attempts at writing Noah's disability in this run continue to be lackluster at best and insulting at worst.

Don't get me wrong, Noah is not a "whitewashed" character- his Blackness is integrated into the narrative of both Hellblazer 2019 and Dead In America... for better or for worse. By this I mean especially in Dead In America, Spurrier really likes to use Noah as a prop to show how racist America is. I don't think there's anything wrong with showing some uncomfortable scenes of Noah facing off American cops. In fact I like how this scene in the first issue shows the specific struggles a Black disabled person goes through, being double profiled as someone dangerous when Noah's attempts to communicate are misinterpreted as a threat- it sets the tone for how dangerous the country is for someone like him.

The original Hellblazer showed plenty of scenes where John is brutalized by the cops in both the UK and US, so gritty commentary is right at home with the character's stories. The difference here is there is almost a giddiness to inventing scenarios for Noah to experience profoundly racist situations at the expense of Noah's own characterization in this run. It becomes more obvious as we progress.

This is another nitpick but when John, Nat, and Noah meet up with Clarice Sackville (an elderly magician lady) in issue #2, Noah discreetly signs to John, calling Clarice a "wrinkled old hag" only for John to whisper back "Be grateful she can't sign, Noah." meaning "be glad she can't understand what you're saying". If there was any opportunity to use sign language as a means of discreetly communicating around someone who doesn't understand it, this would've been the moment. But alas, only disabled people use sign language, right guys. John can only sign in a weird dream sequence.

The punchline here is that Clarice actually understood what Noah was signing, making a jab at him for calling her a "wrinkled old hag". I don't know how she understood what Noah was signing when she was clearly facing away from him the whole time but well. That's basically a tradition for Spurrier's runs at this point. Technically John's dialogue isn't wrong here. Clarice "can't sign". She understands it, but doesn't sign. Because that's a thing only disabled people do.

Let's put a pin on issue #4 and skip ahead to Dead In America issue #5. This is essentially an anthology issue containing short stories of little incidents John, Nat, and Noah encounter on the American road. I will be discussing the second story, "One-Way Ticket" written by Aaron Campbell (ordinarily the main artist of Spurrier's runs) with art by guest artist John Pearson.

It's a story about a ghost guy who wants to go home but everyone ignores him (because they can't see him), John helps out by discovering his dead body and bringing the spirit comfort. It's a cute and cozy story if it weren't for the abysmal way Noah is treated in it, completely contradicting its themes. Noah is horrified at the prospect of John leaving him alone in the red bus, fearing the cops will show up. John responds "You're mute, just pretend you're dumb too." Even for asshole-John standards this is unnecessarily cruel. Dead In America started with Noah being profiled by the police, so Noah's fears are as founded as it gets. This short story may not be written by Spurrier, but it is written by the artist who DREW THAT SCENE.

I didn't splice the panels above, that is exactly how they are presented in the comic. Not only do we have characters facing away from Noah as he's signing again (a tradition even guest artists continue to perpetuate it seems), but it's followed up immediately with a ghost being grateful that John recognizes him. The irony that John gets told that after ditching his son. Why not make the story about Noah relating to the ghost? Remember that scene where Noah is signing to the Ri-Boys and they all ignore him? He and the ghost could connect over how they're ignored and treated as disposable, how accommodation for people like them is considered an inconvenience, how no one cares when their life is threatened.

When John returns from discovering the ghost's dead body, just like clockwork Noah is being searched by a cop. Only now it's treated like a joke instead- with Nat taking a smoke on the side and John just slapping a spell on the cop to make him stop.

This nonchalant carelessness for the portrayal of cops is a big departure from how ACAB John was in his original Hellblazer run. John was a man who could outsmart and kill the Vampire King only to be immediately beat up by cops afterwards. He's called homophobic slurs for defending the dead body of his sex worker guy friend. It paints this image of a guy who can overcome the supernatural but doesn't stand a chance against mundane human cruelty. Because that kind of thing takes more than a magic trick to defeat. But in Dead In America, cops are a mild inconvenience to John. He can just cast spells on them and move on. It's disappointing how even in a run that's supposed to be a return to form for Hellblazer, John isn't as radical as he was written in the 80s and 90s. The cops don't have the kind of threatening authority they had in the older comics. Don't worry, it gets worse.

Let's hop and skip ahead to Dead In America issue #9. For plot reasons, John went missing. He disappeared to Hell and back for four weeks, separated from Noah and Nat. When he reunites with his friends, they want nothing to do with him. They're now running their own little film studio, shooting a film that metatextually reflects their road trip adventure. Again, for plot reasons. They're teaming up with a metamancer to speed filmmaking along. Nat's the director and Noah's the producer. He's practicing magic, and even found himself a girlfriend, Liz! She's an Asian girl though and that worries me. Because Asian love interests are usually seen as narratively disposable. A racist character assumes Noah is using "mind magic on her" because there's no way Noah would end up with someone so "hot", right? Right.

[spliced panels from issue 9 and 10]

Issue #10 is when we get very much needed perspective from Noah and Nat's point of view. Nat always wanted to be a writer, while Noah longs for a life of normalcy. The two narrate their backstories, building their life up to meeting John, to where they are now with their film studio.

We learn how Noah got into using magic, and. Urgh. Sick of dealing with a language barrier as a disabled person, Noah uses magic to communicate with people. It's another case of "we haven't even exhausted basic options to bridge a language barrier yet-" I get it, throughout this run Noah doesn't have his notebook, and he doesn't appear to have his phone either (perhaps to hide from the authorities tracking them down) but to that I say pocket-sized boogie boards are still an affordable option that won't get you tracked down by the cops. I'd even prefer him buying another notebook over this. In this issue he's even seen with a phone, so what do I know.

"huh! I just remembered that I, an American, actually do know British Sign Language! Hah how could I forget something like that ho ho" it's just so trite. Like we're not even going to try and grab a paper and pen to communicate? We're skipping to using dark magic instead? Okay. Worst of all, so you're telling me the racist loser was right about Noah?? That Noah wouldn't have a chance with Liz if it weren't for magic? What are we doing...

I'm not including the panel here but after Noah narrates "I won't use this shit to coerce people-- I'm not him. But... making things easier? Simpler? Why not?" the following panel is of him and Liz getting funky style in bed. Even with Noah saying he won't "coerce people" he still says that magic can make things easier. Simpler. There is this uncomfortable implication that Noah "made it easier" for Liz to sleep with him. Sure it can be read that he got close to her through them communicating on the same page. But when their relationship isn't developed, narratively she just kind of exists as a prop for his desires. To quote Noah himself in Dead In America issue #4: "It was rape."

Time to revisit that pin. So issue #4 is about John and Noah masquerading as an exorcist and...an enslaved person to trick a small town into revealing a coverup: a girl was assaulted by six boys in their local football team, ending her own life from her story being pushed aside for the bright future of the football boys. Noah is so infuriated by how she was mistreated that he beats up one of the boys. It's a heavy story about how far a town will go to protect the future of boys while discarding the life of the girl, who to this day is anonymous. If you're wondering whether Noah pretending to be an enslaved person was necessary to the con, I can assure you it really wasn't.

What's frustrating here is that are we really supposed to believe that Noah, a character who was willing to risk his safety by beating up a rapist, would then go ahead and "make it easier" to sleep with a girl later? Remember. The reason he did that was because his disability was apparently holding him back. Are we really having it so the only person of color in John's cast for this story did this? That if he wasn't disabled, he wouldn't do this? It's frankly disgusting.

Through John's silver tongue trickery, he pulls shenanigans that cause Nat and Noah to get arrested. Despite Nat being known to be violent, Noah is the one who is brutalized by the cops and put into solitary confinement. Because racism. Spurrier really wants you to know that American cops are so racist, guys.

I wonder where all this energy was for his Hellblazer 2019 run taking place in the UK. Where the only cop characters were noble people of color who are looking out for each other. Noah's own mom was a cop, even. He'll show Noah looking tense in a car as cops walk by in Hellblazer 2019, but for Dead In America? Noah is profiled by police three times, made to play an enslaved person for John's ends, and is in the receiving end of so many bigoted characters' racism. Spurrier is selective about his portrayal of cops when it suits him.

At this point it's transparent looking back at the treatment of Noah's character throughout Dead In America, that there's a giddiness Spurrier (and technically Campbell) have in crafting racist scenarios for Noah to go through. But it's okay because they have John say a lamp-shading comment to assure readers that the writers recognize "This Is A Racist Thing Happening".

Reading Dead in America reminded me of the discourse surrounding "Strange Fruit" a comic by Mark Waid and J. G. Jones. I won't belabor explaining the plot, but what they have in common is this self congratulatory "giddiness to put Black characters in compromising situations" I keep describing. Like, they didn't have to create a naked Black Superhero named "Johnson" who doesn't speak and wears a confederate flag while dealing with racists in the Jim Crow era South but...these white writers just didn't have a choice! It's the rules of story! John has to pretend Noah is his property!

"Strange Fruit's desire to make big, albeit familiar statements about America's sinful past and do justice to both the subject matter and history often comes at the expense of considerate or even dimensional characterization."

-Vox writer Tre Johnson, 2017.

This is the kind of giddiness to indulge in fictional cruelty that isn't written with Black readers in mind. It's to entertain white readers with an exaggerated depiction of racism to make themselves feel better about being British. And if anyone's excuse is "well it's Hellblazer! Vertigo comics are supposed to talk about uncomfortable topics, John gets beat up by cops too back in the day", then need I remind you that unlike John, the sheer frequency Noah is put into these compromising scenarios is at the expense of his characterization.

Don't think that Spurrier's done playing with his "America Sure Is Racist" prop yet though.

As Noah (still bruised and battered) escapes prison, John pulls a couple more tricks on him: he "accidentally" reveals that Noah is his son, tricks Liz into faking her death to freak Noah out (we'll never see her again after this), and gets Clarice to pretend to die in front of him. All this angers Noah into attempting to kill John- but he stops. Because Noah still isn't that kind of person.

This is all part of John's plan, supposedly he made a deal with demons in Hell that if John himself is killed in the allocated time, he won't actually die. But his plan failed. Unfortunately for John, Nat is still filming their road trip movie, and whatever the actors do, the real characters do as well. A script change happens, and John ends up killing Noah.

But aha, this is yet another trick. By issue #11, Noah wakes up bruise-free and alive (he even gets to smash in John's stand in actor for good measure). Turns out, John's deal with the demons of Hell was for his son to live, instead- a selfless act that none of the Gods and demons saw coming. After John does some more silver-tongue talking to a Dream Entity, he's able to grant people some rushed happy endings.

Noah's mom wakes up from her eight year magical coma, the policeman hunting down Nat and Noah deletes his files, and Nat becomes the boss of a major studio- her writer dreams come to fruition. I don't know how Noah's getting back home to his mom, but shh shhh it's a happy ending, Spurrier promises.

So we have a twist to the usual Hellblazer story. Instead of John surviving at the expense of his friends and family, now John sacrifices his life to Noah and Nat so they can live freely. Last but certainly not least, as Clarice dies she gifts Noah the ability to speak. And when Noah does speak, he sounds so out of character I thought I was misreading things. Is this another lettering mistake? No? Then what is this random poetry.

I recognize what the narrative is doing here. It's John's fault that Noah's mom is in a coma and that Noah is mute, so the resolution to that conflict is for him to undo the wrongs he did to the Ikumelo family- which includes Noah being "cured" of his disability. The problem here is not only is this an exhausting continuation of the "disabilities getting cured" trope- so Noah can join the "easier, simpler" life of able bodied people- but also that a large facet of Noah's identity is tied to John's character development.

Noah might not be the main character, but he's the deuteragonist of Dead In America- the beating family heart that ties John to someone who would otherwise be a stranger. Instead of narratively endearing us to Noah's character, Spurrier seems content to just have Noah drive the bus only to make occasional stops to demonstrate how Racist America Is. It's such a fall from grace to the intriguing character we met in Hellblazer 2019. All that characterization of someone willing to help despite a life of hardship is just out the window.

[spliced panels]

My overall feelings about the treatment of Noah Ikumelo is that whatever representation he embodies feels like being thrown a really shitty party. Noah Ikumelo is an original creation for these two runs. Si Spurrier didn't have to make Noah a Black disabled teenager, but he did. Spurrier takes up that responsibility of representation by half-assing it. The kind of thing a guy who gloats about a bi-colored comic cover would do before accidentally calling the character in it "pansexual" in said comic. And then backpedal on twidder when called out for it. Half ass behavior.

Noah went from being this interesting exploration of unintended legacy to being a prop to make shallow commentary on American racism. Noah is never drawn consistently between artists but he sure is adultified a bunch to the point that I even see readers describing him as "basically an adult" when he's only 16-17 years old. I get that it's supposed to be tragic that he's forced to grow up too soon, but part of that tragedy is that he still is a kid. The portrayal of his disability shows how no research was put into being inclusive in either the writing or the art to the point it's downright nonsensical. The research amounts to looking up a sign language dictionary for words and that's it. This isn't even touching on how there was no recognition of the intersection between Black culture and sign language.

The problems with Noah Ikumelo are not unique to Hellblazer, or Si Spurrier or the Hellblazer creative team. They're a reflection of a predominantly able-bodied and white industry that is comics and media as a whole. The very way comics as a medium is taught carries with it an ableist standard for portraying communication. All this to say that tackling a character like Noah would mean doing the extra work to be critical of what we're used to seeing as the norm. But if you were just going to half-ass setting up a party for Black disabled readers, then why even bother y'know? It's not like Spurrier was held at gun point to create a disabled character. Frankly he was too busy crafting scenarios for guns to be pointing at Noah instead.

#ramblings #jesncin dc meta #hellblazer #noah ikumelo #john constantine #long post #it's christmas let's go home #i left you all a spicy meatball for the holidays

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blakeswritingimagines · 2 days ago

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Drama Queen

Summary: You learn the hard way of your boyfriend's darker side.

Word Count: 3.0k

Warnings: Mean! Logan and Sweet Fem! reader, Dark Yandere! Logan, Name-calling, No protection, Begging, Roughness, Degradation, Slight crying, Slight finger sucking towards the end, Talk of more rounds, Talk of being fucked dumb.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the X-men character/s nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.

Logan was never a man to be messed with, especially when it came to his loved ones. He was fiercely protective of the people he cared about, and even more so when it came to his romantic relationships. At first, he was charming and loving, but behind that façade he held onto a dark obsession, one that drove him to extreme lengths to keep you close to him. He grew intensely possessive, watching your every move and checking in on you constantly. He was always the one in control, always needing to know where you were and what you were doing.

You unaware of the extent of his obsession and possessiveness. He was always watching you, no matter where you went. He would follow you to work, your favorite spots in town, and even into your own home. He would hack into your electronics, track your phone, and secretly record your every move. He knew your schedule better than you did, and would always be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to swoop in and assert his presence. He would use his knowledge of your life to manipulate you and make you feel dependent on him. In your innocent and naive worldview, you were unaware of the extent of Logan's obsession and possessiveness. You just thought he was a bit overprotective, always checking in on you and wanting to know where you are. You figured he was just being an attentive boyfriend who was worried for your safety. As your relationship with Logan progressed on, his possessiveness and jealousy grew deeper. He couldn't tolerate any other man even glancing in your direction. One day, a male friend of yours approached you, and Wolverine immediately saw red. He angrily confronted you, demanding to know who this man was and why he was talking to you. You tried to explain that he was just a friend, but Logan refused to believe it.

As you stood there, trying to reason with him, Logan was seething with anger, the veins in his temples pulsing. "Who was that man?" he demanded, his voice low and dangerous. "Why was he talking to you?" You felt a pang of fear, unused to seeing him this way. "He's just a friend, Logan," you explained, your voice shaking slightly. "We've known each other for years." Wolverine's eyes narrowed, his gaze intense as he studied your face, searching for any sign of deception. The air around him crackled with tension, his body coiled like a spring ready to snap. "A friend," he repeated, the word dripping with skepticism. "One who looks at you like…that." He gestured vaguely towards the memory of your interaction, his jaw clenched. "I don't like it. I don't trust him. And I sure as hell don't want to see you talking to anyone else like that either." His tone was commanding, leaving no room for argument. "From now on, if you're going to talk to men, they'd better be me." You bristled at his possessive tone, feeling a flicker of anger. "Logan, I'm free to talk to whoever I want," you shot back, your voice firmer now. "You don't own me." Logan's grip on your chin tightened, his fingers digging into your skin. "I don't own you? Then why are you still here with me?" he demanded, his voice low and menacing. "If you're so desperate for freedom, then leave. Walk out that door and never look back." His other hand came up to wrap around your waist, pulling you flush against his hard body. "But if you stay," he continued, his breath hot against your ear, "you'll submit to me completely. Body, mind, and soul. Because that's what I crave from you. Total surrender." He nipped at your earlobe, sending a shiver down your spine. "So what's it going to be? Freedom or me?" His words were a challenge, a test of your resolve. Your heart thumped in your chest, a mix of anger and arousal swirling within you. You knew you should stand your ground, but the heat of his body pressed against you was hard to resist, and the fierce possessiveness in his voice tugged at something primal within you. "You're impossible," you ground out, trying to sound defiant, but your body betrayed you, pressing against his. He smirked, knowing he'd gotten to you, and his grip on your chin and waist tightened further. A triumphant smile spread across Wolverine's face as he sensed your resistance crumbling.

"Impossible, huh?" he chuckled, the deep rumble vibrating through you. "I prefer to think of myself as irresistible." His hands roamed your curves, exploring every inch of you with possessive hunger. "You can deny it all you want, but your body knows the truth. It craves my touch, yearns for my dominance." He captured your mouth in a searing kiss, claiming you thoroughly as his tongue battled with yours for supremacy. When he finally broke away, you were left panting and dazed, your senses reeling from the intensity of the encounter. "Were you born to submit to me?" he murmured, his voice a husky whisper. "Is it in your very nature to be owned, to be mine and mine alone?" Your mind was a whirl of confusion and desire, your body responding to his touch in spite of your resistance. You couldn't deny the truth in his words, how your body seemed to ache for him, how your pulse quickened whenever he touched you. But the idea of submitting to him completely, of being owned by him, was both terrifying and appealing. "I… I…" you stuttered, unable to form a coherent thought as he continued to caress you with possessive hands and lips. Every touch seemed to stoke the flames of your desire, making it harder and harder to remember why you were supposed to resist. "No?" Logan's eyes gleamed with victory as he watched you struggle with your desires, your resolve weakening under his relentless onslaught. "No?" he echoed, his voice laced with amusement and anticipation. "Then prove it, bitch. Show me you can resist me." With a sudden movement, he released you, stepping back to create distance between your bodies. His arms crossed over his chest, a challenging glint in his eye. "Go ahead, walk away. Leave me and never look back. If you truly want freedom, then take it." The offer hung in the air, a gauntlet thrown down. But even as he spoke the words, Wolverine's gaze remained fixed on you, tracking every subtle shift in your posture, every fleeting emotion that crossed your face. He knew you wouldn't leave, not when your body was screaming for his touch, begging to be claimed once more.

You stood there, stunned by his sudden absence, your body immediately aching for the feel of him against you. The heat that had pooled in your core was still there, begging to be satisfied. You knew what he was doing, testing you, trying to get you to give in to your desires. But as much as you wanted to give in, to let yourself surrender to him completely, you refused to buckle under his challenge. "You're an ass," you muttered, your voice filled with annoyance and desire. Logan's smirk returned, wider and more arrogant than before. "An ass, huh?" he drawled, uncrossing his arms to stalk towards you once more. "Maybe I am. Maybe that's exactly what you need, someone to put you in your place and remind you who's really in control here." He grasped your wrists, pinning them above your head roughly as he leaned in close, his breath fanning over your face. "Because right now, baby, you're nothing but a needy little slut, craving my cock like a drug. And I'm more than happy to give it to you, to fill you up until you can't think straight anymore." His hips pressed against yours, the bulge of his erection evident even through their clothes. "So… beg for it." Your breath hitched at his words, the dirty talk making your mind fuzzy and your body overheat. His hands on your wrists, the press of his body against yours, all of it sent a heady mix of desire and submission coursing through you. Despite your best efforts to keep a straight face, your voice quivered slightly as you spoke. "Get real," you repeated, your voice a weak attempt at conviction. A small hitch in your breath betrayed your growing desperation, and you could feel yourself starting to crumble under his intense gaze.

Logan's grin widened, his eyes burning with triumph as he sensed your faltering resolve. "Oh, I'm very real, sweetheart," he purred, his grip on your wrists tightening ever so slightly. "And so are your needs. You want to be dominated, used, fucked senseless by me. Admit it." He rocked his hips against yours, the friction sending sparks of pleasure shooting through your veins. "Begging is such a pretty sound coming from your lips. I bet you'd look even prettier on your knees, choking on my cock while you plead for more." His free hand slid down to cup your sex through your clothing, applying just enough pressure to make you gasp. "Come on, baby. Let's hear those sweet, submissive moans. Beg me to fuck you like the desperate little whore you are." You bit your lip, trying to hold back the whimper building in your throat, but it escaped anyway, a needy little mewl that sounded far too much like submission. Your knees nearly buckled at his words, the crude imagery painting vivid pictures in your mind. You could almost taste the saltiness of his skin, feel the thick girth of his cock stretching your throat as you pleaded for more. His hand on your sex sent jolts of electricity through your body, making your clit throb with need. "Please," you whispered, the word barely audible over the pounding of your heart. "Just… please." Your face flushed with shame and arousal, you met his gaze, your eyes pleading for the release only he could provide. "Fuck me," you begged, the words tumbling out in a rush.

A wicked grin spread across Logan's face as he heard your desperate plea, his eyes darkening with lust and satisfaction. "That's it, baby. That's what I wanted to hear," he growled, his voice rough with desire. Without warning, he spun you around and bent you over the nearby table, sweeping its contents onto the floor with a crash. "Such a good little slut, begging for my cock like it's the only thing that matters." He yanked his shirt off over his head, revealing his chiseled torso and the impressive bulge straining against his jeans. "Time to give you what you need, baby." The cool wood pressed against your heated skin as he yanked your pants down, exposing your dripping sex to the open air. "Fuck, you're soaked already," he groaned, running a finger teasingly along your slit. "Such a needy little cunt, so ready for my cock." He freed himself from his jeans, the thick head of his dick nudging insistently at your entrance. "Brace yourself, sweetheart. I'm gonna ruin this tight pussy," he promised darkly. Your breath caught in your throat, the anticipation and excitement coursing through you. His hands on your body, the rough way he manhandled you, it all sent a thrill through you. As he positioned himself behind you, you gripped the table, bracing yourself for the inevitable. "Logan…" you gasped, your voice filled with a mix of fear and desire. "Please, be gentle." Logan chuckled darkly, amused by your plea for gentleness. "Gentle? Oh baby, where's the fun in that?" he teased, rubbing the tip of his cock teasingly along your slick folds. "Besides, we both know you don't really want gentle. What you want is to be fucked hard and deep, to feel every thick inch of me splitting you open." Without further warning, he grabbed your hips and thrust forward, burying himself to the hilt inside your tight heat. "Unnngh fuck!" he grunted, savoring the exquisite feeling of your walls clenching around him. "So goddamn tight. This pussy was made for my cock." He set a brutal pace, slamming into you with powerful strokes that shook the table beneath you. "Take it, you filthy slut."

Even as the words left your lips, you knew it was a hopeless plea. Logan was not a gentle and caring man, especially not when it involved you like this and what he wanted from you. He chuckled darkly, the sound sending a shiver down your spine. A sharp cry tore from your throat as he entered you, the sudden fullness overwhelming your senses. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes from the intensity, but your body quickly adjusted, welcoming the intrusion. Each harsh thrust sent shockwaves of pleasure through you, your inner walls fluttering and gripping him tightly. "Ah!" you moaned shamelessly, pushing your hips back to meet his brutal pace. The obscene slap of skin on skin filled the room, mixing with your wanton cries. Logan groaned in approval as he felt you start to move with him, meeting each punishing thrust with equal fervor. "That's it, baby. Fucking take it," he snarled, one hand tangling in your hair and yanking your head back as he continued to pound into you. "This is what you were made for, to be my personal fuck toy." His other hand reached around to rub tight circles on your clit, the added stimulation making your walls clamp down on him like a vice. "Gonna fill this greedy cunt with my cum, mark you as mine inside and out." He could feel his orgasm approaching, his balls drawing up tight as he chased his release. "Come on, slut. Cum on my cock like the desperate whore you are. Scream my name for everyone to hear who you belong to!"

Your back arched sharply as he pulled your hair, the slight pain only heightening your pleasure. His fingers on your clit sent jolts of electricity through you, pushing you closer and closer to the edge. "Logan! Oh fuck," you cried out, no longer caring about keeping quiet. The depraved words falling from his lips, claiming you as his property, only fueled the fire raging inside you. Your body tensed, every muscle drawn taut as your climax approached. With a final, particularly deep thrust and a pinch to your clit, you came undone. "Logan!" you screamed, your vision whiting out as wave after wave of intense pleasure crashed over you. Your pussy spasmed wildly around his cock, milking him for all he was worth as you rode out your high. Logan let out a guttural roar as your walls clamped down on him like a silken fist, your orgasm triggering his own explosive release. "Fuck! Take it all, you filthy slut!" he bellowed, slamming into you one last time before hilting himself fully inside you. Thick ropes of hot cum painted your insides as he emptied himself, marking you as his territory. His hips jerked erratically, riding out the waves of his intense climax. After long moments, he collapsed against your back, both of you panting heavily as you came down from your highs. "Goddamn, baby. That was incredible," he murmured, nipping at your ear. "You took my cock so well, like you were born for it." You whimpered softly as you felt his hot seed filling you up, marking you from the inside. Your legs trembled with the effort of holding yourself up, your whole body feeling like jelly in the aftermath of your intense orgasm. As he slumped against you, you couldn't help but lean back into his solid warmth, despite the degrading things he had said and done. There was something oddly comforting about being wrapped up in his strong arms, even if it was purely physical. "Mmmm," you hummed, tilting your head to give him better access to your neck. "Wow." Your voice was hoarse from screaming, a physical reminder of how thoroughly he had claimed you.

Logan smirked against your neck, feeling smug and satisfied. He loved seeing you like this - wrecked, marked, and utterly spent from his thorough claiming of your body. "What's the matter, baby? Cat got your tongue?" he teased, his voice a low rumble in his chest. "Or maybe it's just because I fucked you so hard and stupid, you can't even string two words together." He slowly pulled out of you, both of you groaning at the sensation. A trickle of his cum dribbled out of your used hole, and he swiped it up with his fingers, bringing them to your lips. "Clean up the mess you made, slut. Taste how good we are together." His eyes gleamed with wicked intent, already thinking about all the other ways he could use and debase you before the night was through. Your tongue darted out instinctively to lick his fingers clean, tasting the combined essence of you together. The flavor was musky and slightly bitter, but not unpleasant. It served as a tangible reminder of your submission to him, of how thoroughly he had claimed you. "Mmmm, delicious," you purred, your voice still husky from your earlier cries. Slowly, you pushed yourself upright, turning in his arms to face him. Your eyes met his, hazy with post-coital bliss and a hint of mischief. "You always know just how to satisfy me, Logan," you murmured, trailing a finger down his chest. "But I hope you're not done with me yet. Because I have a few ideas of my own on how to make this night even more… memorable."

Logan's eyebrows shot up in surprise and intrigue at your bold statement, a slow grin spreading across his face. "Oh? Is that so?" he drawled, his hands coming to rest on your hips possessively. "Well, color me curious, baby. What kind of naughty ideas do you have rattling around in that pretty little head of yours?" He leaned in close, his lips brushing against your ear as he whispered, "Because you should know by now that I'm always up for a challenge. Especially when it comes to pushing your limits and making you scream my name." His hands slid around to grab your ass, squeezing the firm globes roughly. "Why don't you tell me what you have in mind, sweetheart? And I mean everything. Don't leave out a single dirty detail."

#logan howlett #logan wolverine #logan x reader #logan howlett smut #logan howlett fanfiction #logan howlett x reader #wolverine x reader #wolverine smut

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klarolinexluv · 3 days ago

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Something has really stuck with me that some Anti Regulus Black person said and I want to share my thoughts on it.

Basically, they said that we, or people that like Regulus have been giving Regulus Lilys characteristics and traits and relationships instead of giving them to Lily and are using this to replace Lily.

From my pov, I can understand how that comes across. Moonwater, in canonical type universes, usually come together over their love for literature, something, that as far as I understand was how Lily and Remus used to become friends in fics.

When I think of this situation, I don’t see it as Lily being replaced, I see it as Remus having more friends then just the Marauders and Lily. I see it as Remus making friends.

In all the fics I’ve read, majority of them, Lily and Remus are always already friends! 9 times out of 10, if Remus has a POV and he is interacted with Lily or thinking about Lily, he refers to her has his best friend.

Idk who needs to hear this but Remus can have more friends than just Lily and the Marauders! In fact, EVERY. SINGLE. CHARACTER. Can have more friends then just the friend groups that they have been assigned to from the fandom.

I personally love the idea that Regulus and Remus get close because of their shared interest in books and knowledge. In fact, I love it so much when this happens. I also love when Remus is the one to introduce (formally) Lily and Regulus. Because they have shared interests! They all have shared interests and that’s what they bond over.

If we just forget about ships for a moment - Jily/Jegulus - Regulus and Lily would and could actually be really close friends. At their cores they are very similar and have similar morals and codes.

Like my girl Lily defeated Voldemort the first time. You cannot tell me that she did not have some deep interest and understanding of Dark Magic that is really not talked about enough. I mean, she was friends with Snape for a LONG time! Even against all her Gryffindor friends and dorm mates advice and opinions. She was friends with Snape for a long time and they definitely studied dark magic together. The only reason they stopped being friends was because Snape called her a slur and began siding with people that would have gladly seen Lily and people like Lily 6 feet under.

And then Regulus! He may not have made the best choices but when it mattered the most, he chose to do the right thing and go against Voldemort. He is the first to have done so! My guy was smart. He definitely knew so much magic that he has likely forgotten more than anyone would ever even know.

Regulus and Lily are both so smart and they would have bonded over their shared intelligence, their love for knowledge and books. Remus was probably terrified the day he realised he was the reason these two evil geniuses even started talking.

Maybe instead of saying that Regulus is being given Lily’s characteristics and traits, maybe think about how this would affect the two characters when put in the same room.

I personally think that they would argue for a long time and then Lily would probably say something that gives Regulus pause and then Lily would gently press on that and then Regulus would go have a long hard think and then come back and hesitantly ask Lily questions that Lily would happily answer and then they would be tentative friends!

Regulily have so much in common but they also have a lot of differences and I don’t think enough people see that because they are too focused on ships rather than the characters themselves and their motives and actions.

I’m not shy in admitting that I fuck with romantic regulily. They are my guilty pleasure ship and I am not shy about saying that.

Regulily, platonically, romantically, it doesn’t matter. They have the biggest grounds for friendship and growth.

Regulus and Lily can teach each other so much and I honestly think it’s the biggest missed opportunity when they are pinned against each other rather than working together.

I fear I’ve gone WAY off topic.

In the context of relationships, the jily vs jegulus idea. I feel like I need to hold people hands when I say this because the two ships are very different.

WARNING! OPINIONS!

To me, Jily is a rivals to lovers relationship. I don’t think they are grumpy/sunshine purely because I don’t see Lily as the grumpy trope. I very much think that Jily are academic rivals. Where James just naturally understands everything and gets good marks whether he studied or not and Lily has to study heavily before she understands a topic enough to pass, like Lily to me has to study throughly before everything sticks and she understands the topic so much more than is really required for her coarse work.

I also don’t think Jily was James falls in love at first sight and Lily hates him for years until she gives in and goes on a date with him. Sure it’s a bit cute but i definitely prefer James developing a crush and not telling anyone other than his friends. I very much fuck with James being uncharacteristically shy about his crushes on people. I fuck with James losing his ability to talk or function around the person he fancies and it comes off as arrogance and a bit of a joke when he is actually being genuine.

I love the idea that Lily falls for him slowly, like initially, she thinks she hates him, she loathes the fact that he doesn’t need to study and he can just goof off and do whatever and still get perfect grades, I think Lily gets jealous of James and thinks she despises him because she thinks he is trying to make fun of her when all he is trying to do is talk to her and get her attention.

I love the idea that Remus is constantly trying to talk James up to Lily, “he’s really not that bad once you get to know him.” And “He’s harmless, Lils.” And things like that but Lily has NONE of it!

I think Lily starts to fall for James when they are paired together for a project that is a big mark on their finals. I think Lily goes into this thinking that she is going to hate it when actuality, James is kind and thoughtful and helps her when she struggles. He doesn’t make fun of her, he sits down quietly and gives her tips and tricks that he discovered when he studies privately, (this would be when she finds out that maybe it doesn’t all come as naturally to James as she thought) and then they end up getting the best grade in their year on the assignment but they don’t stop hanging out, they don’t stop studying together. Lily slowly falls for James because of his mind and they form a friendship and then James would ask her out one day and Lily would find herself stunned because if he had asked her a few months ago, she would have harshly declined but in the moment, she finds herself blushing and agreeing without a hint of hesitation.

And that’s how I imagine Jily.

Now, Jegulus.

Jegulus is enemies to lovers, they are grumpy/sunshine. I very much think that they did hate eachother. They did not like eachother for many reasons and they would argue and fight in the halls.

I’m very much into jegulus but I don’t think I’ve seen a fic that has written them as actually enemies to lovers in a canonical setting.

Jegulus to me is very push and pull. One step forward, two steps backwards.

I honestly think that sure, when they met at 11 and 12 when Sirius had his little brother trailing after him and introduced them to each other, they both had the moment of instant connection that they both immediately denied and dismissed and buried under hatred.

James and Regulus see each other as competition. Regulus sees James as the one that stole his brother. James sees Regulus as the brother that doesn’t deserve Sirius.

Because Sirius told James all about his little brother all through first year and James was exited to meet him for a long time until they met and instantly realised that Regulus is a two faced snake and doesn’t deserve Sirius.

Because Sirius told Regulus all about his best friend in every letter, in every stolen moment during the holidays. Regulus was exited to meet James for a long time until they met and instantly realised that James isn’t the golden ray of sunshine that Sirius claims him to be but a brother stealing asshole.

I honestly think that Jegulus is THE enemies to lovers.

I don’t think Jegulus even had a civil conversation until after Sirius ran away. And even this conversation started as an argument. I think that they only reason the argument stopped and they started genuinely talking to eachother is because Regulus’ mask broke and James saw the hidden emotions underneath that Regulus was trying to hide.

I think that James held onto prejudice for a long time. He saw all Slytherins as evil and then didn’t think about that for years until he sees Regulus crack and then James has to rethink everything he has ever thought.

That’s how I think Jegulus starts and I don’t think they ever really talk about what they are or what they are doing for a very long time, to the point (if we are talking in a canonical sense) that they break and fall apart. To the point where they end up on different sides of a war.

ANYWAY! (this is really long and if you've read this far, just know that you are my favourite person in the entire world and I adore you to the ends of the universe).

Regulus and Lily, though they share many characteristics and traits and fundamentally different people. Even in the context of the people they are shipped with, even in the context of their friendships.

I love them both so much and I think saying that Lily is being replaced by Regulus is incredibly wrong and also perhaps a little misogynistic.

They are both incredible characters, who should not be defined by their relationships.

Like I said before. In the context of war, both Lily and Regulus were the first. Regulus may have failed to complete his mission and Lily may have succeeded in killing Voldemort… but at the end of the day both of them did not do anything in the long run. Voldemort was still able to return, the horcruxes still need to be destroyed and Harry still had to finish what the people before him started, Harry still had to fight a war he had no part in starting.

#I might get hate for that last paragraph but I feel like it needed to be said.#regulus black #lily evans #regulily #jegulus #jily #james potter #marauders #remus lupin #sirius black #black brothers #starchaser #sunseeker #I’m sorry for rambling but I hope you enjoy reading the inner workings of my brain lol

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melded-galaxy · 2 days ago

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sonic movie 3 stobotnik thoughts:

Watched the third installment earlier today and have a lot of thoughts

Likes:

Stone being confirmed as the protector in their relationship (His action scene in the chao garden restaurant and his plea 'i'm not there to protect you!') was amazing, you can definitely tell Stone had been traumatized after Robotnik got stranded in the mushroom world and then returned only to nearly fall to his death

'I already lost you once-!' 'Unsubscribed blocked and reported.' 'I can't lose you again...' Stone you deserve the world and so much better than Robotnik i'm sorry your hearts deadset on this dickhead <3

Robotnik's first name Ivo being dropped several times and pronounced eye-vo rather than ee-vo. always preferred the eye-vo pronounciation personally, feel like ee-vo is a bit too on the nose and doesn't sound as good.

Robotnik being open enough around Stone at the very start of the movie that he casually mentions that Stone is the only person he trusts and at the very end after he thought he found loving family only to be rejected and betrayed by Gerald admitting Stone was the only one to ever truly care about him my heart can't

More of the weird kinky BDSM shit my beloved - Eggman's reaction to seeing a shirtless tied up Stone 'Do that in your own time you sicken me' sent me as did the frigging shirt snatch and of course that glorious haircut scene

Stone getting to interact with characters that aren't Eggman. Him calling Tails adorable and that short moment where he hung out with Shadow was nice to see.

Again the haircut scene. Stone had zero excuses for straddling his bosses lap and nearly strangling him in a chokehold. Firestarter by Prodigy playing was just the cherry on top.

Stone getting cucked again by Robotnik's own grandpapa. First knuckles now sour gramps smh there's always a damn third wheel

Robotnik finally finding family and just CLINGING to them (quite literally the boot kissing scene was... something.) Ivo was so desperate for Gerald's love and approval, its such a great parallel to Stone's admiration for Robotnik. Honestly it makes sense that Robotnik immediately reacted so defensively when Stone warned him of Gerald and Shadows hidden plan, like Robotnik immediately reacted by attacking Stone back by accusing him of just being jealous because he felt his bond with gerald was being threatened. Robotnik even looked over at Gerald several times while he was chewing Stone out, clearly seeking his approval.

Eggman's announcement dedicated fully to Stone after three whole movies of Robotnik taking Stone for granted and Stone being ditched berated and sidelined. Finally after feeling the pain of Gerald's rejection (that 'You're no Maria' was ice cold) Ivo in his last moments alive makes sure Stone knows he reciprocates and pays tribute to Stone's love and loyalty to him, admitting that Stone was more than just a sycophant, a tool to be used and discarded, Stone was a 'syco-friend'. my HEART

That final 'I love the way you make 'em' the delivery was so heartfelt

Stone's tearful smile after saying goodbye to Robotnik. There's a sort of sad acceptance to it like finally hearing Robotnik admit that he does care about him too softens the blow of losing him and will help Stone to move on post movie. Maybe Stone after Robotnik's death with find someone that truly treats him right. A lot of people speculate that Stone will be the big bad of the next film but I don't know, I think in an interview by Lee he said that Stone just wanted to feel acknowledged by Robotnik and in the end Stone finally got that. I feel like its a good bookend for both Robotnik and Stone's characters arcs and i'd have mixed feelings if they were confirmed to appear in the next movie; while i'd love to see more of Robotnik and Stone's twisted dynamic in the next movie, I feel like it'd sort of undermine Robotnik's final moment of humanity at the end of movie 3. Then again someone has to have made and been controlling the metal sonics we saw in the post credit scene so who knows what the next movie will bring.

Dislikes:

Stone only getting like 6-7 minutes of screen time, I would have like a few more scenes with him interacting with Robotnik Gerald and other characters to flesh him out a bit more, maybe even learn more of his backstory. I felt like this was also a problem with Maria and Gerald; both needed a bit more time to flesh out their characters. It would have been cool to see more of Gerald and Maria before Maria's death for instance.

The movie steering away from the romantic subtext that was present in the second movie (the lattes with hearts, the romantic music playing in Stone's cafe and Stone photoshopping his boss into a maid outfit) in favour of a more platonic or atleast debatable dynamic between them - Stone being sad about not being Robotnik's 'best friend', Robotnik calling Stone his syco-friend and no outright explicit confirmation from either of them was kind of sad to see. Felt like there was potential to openly confirm stobotnik in a romantic if twisted relationship, especially given the two lived together for over a year in their crab mech and were clearly comfortable around eachother, but I guess maybe the producers were too nervous of backlash to do so so they went with a more dubious/platonic angle.

Robotnik immediately treating Stone worse once he connects with Gerald :( I suppose it makes sense; Ivo now has this shiny new family connection,from his selfish perspective why would he need boring old but reliable Stone but it still was sad to see Robotnik completely disregard everything Stone had done for him - staying by his side after leaving the government, doting on him and rescuing/caring for Robotnik after the latter fell from the giant mech in the second movie (not shown in the movie only storyboards but still presumably Stone was the one to rescue Robotnik). Personally i'd have preferred it if there was a bit more conflict from Robotnik's side, maybe have Gerald manipulate him into steadily distructing Stone more and more as the movie went on.

Stone not getting a scene where he snaps at Robotnik/shows a backbone. Yes he tried to to warn Robotnik of Gerald and Shadow's real plans for the world but again that was mostly for Robotnik's own wellbeing. Stone was terrified of losing him. It would have been nice to see after 3 movies of Stone being a doormat for Robotnik Stone finally erupt and stand up to Ivo.

Stone disappearing from the plot at the climax of the film AGAIN, a reoccuring theme in the trilogy lol, Stone disappears from the plot after Robotnik tells him to ready the prototype in the first movie and again in the second, though to a lesser extent, after he was knocked out in the mech. It would have been cool to see him do a little more, maybe aid Robotnik Tails and Knuckles in stopping Gerald in some way instead of merely being a bystander.

Similarly to the second movie I feel like Jimbotnik and now Gerald were a bit TOO zany at times. Like the scene at their first meeting when they both looked at the camera and broke the fourth wall made me groan and god... the Ivo vs Gerald fight was... bad and not even in a so bad its good way way more a killing the pacing and tension way. Like why why put the jim carrey selfspank scene right after Sonic and Shadow had a heart to heart on the moon. Why.

Robotnik's overuse of modern slang also made me wince a bit... didn't like it in the second movie don't like it anymore in the third. I found some of the quips funny like the trauma dumping line but most of the times I felt the jokes were pandering too much to kids and would age badly.

No scene where Wade once again awkwardly third wheels while Robotnik and Stone be weird together again :(

THE FLASHBACK SCENE BEING CUT :'( In the leaked storyboards Robotnik was going to a have a sort of 'feelings realization' moment where he presumably contemplates why he's bothering to save the Earth. A flashback was going to appear showing the scene where Stone gives Robotnik his latte after the latter returned in movie 2, Stone in his GUN disguise rescuing Robotnik after the latter was trapped under the rubble of his mech post movie 2 and a scene where a concerned looking Stone is handfeeding Robotnik soup complete with Robotnik looking depressed in a full body cast. The final storyboard picture showed a wide eyed and concerned Robotnik clearly realizing that Earth being destroyed would mean Stone was going to die as well. The flashback and Stone's life being on the line was what would have prompted Robotnik to try to save the planet. The flashback and feelings realization scene was cut for some reason from the final film :( Think I still have the leaked storyboard images somewhere on my blog but we were robbed.

Well this got longer than expected haha, hope its somewhat coherent.

#sonic movie #sonic movie 3 #sonic 3 #sonic the hedgehog #stobotnik #jimbotnik #agent stone #dr robotnik #dr eggman #eggman #ivo robotnik #sonic cinematic universe #gerald robotnik #my post #sonic movie 3 spoilers

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terrumdurak · 1 day ago

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i'm still thinking a lot about how would reverse harem shitty women romance novel au svsss would look like... for my own shame found out that i'm really bad at depicting peerless melon and (sorry i don't know how would fem!airplane call herself), i'll try to figure them out

Anyways this au is a little bit different from common gender reverse au bc it is about shitty romance novel plot, so i think a lot of canon characters will still be male as they are in original svsss.. then i thought that it would be so funny to transmigrate fem!airplane to a male character (sqh) to break (kind of) her sweet dreams romancing some kind of pretty male character she'd written (they all turned out really pathetic and poorly written, except mobei jun ofc) AND to make cumplane interactions more suspicious. There's nothing to judge when two ladies are talking and spending lots of time together, right? but if that's man and woman oh god no (also this kind of cumplane feels like pei ming and ling wen from tgsf interactions which is pretty funny)

or it's better to do fem!sqh and give her proper lesbian experience, but i do think that it's not common for female protagonist of reverse harem to have woman as her sidekick (correct me if i wrong, i'm not a huge fan of this type of stories), please let me know

#svsss #shen qingqiu #shang qinghua #cumplane #fem shen qingqiu #the last page is from comics i'm currently working on

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wikiangela · 7 hours ago

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Hi, a bit late but joining in on the @alliwantforchristmasislou project 🫶

I decided to donate to a polish organisation called the stonewall group (which is why the pic is in polish lol)

chose this one just because im the most familiar with this one, and they do amazing work in support of lgbt+ people and fighting for our rights in this... not so queer-friendly country 🫶

now, ive been in the 911 fandom for almost 4 years now (gonna be 4 in i think February), and i only started after the episode Buck actually bc it was allll over my dash. i binged the whole show in a week, before the next episode is even aired, I loved it SO much.

as most of y'all know, I initially shipped buddie - it was the big ship, ofc i did, i wrote so much fic for them and i had so much fun and met so many moots i still love seeing on my dash 🫶❤️ but it might've been obvious (or not, idk) i was kinda getting bored and losing enjoyment, more and more of my fics and snippets were focusing on other characters with buck or eddie, i wasnt really as into it anymore - but i still loved it and wanted to enjoy it (which ironically was killed dead later on by the buddie fandom itself lmao)

and then came bucktommy and everything changed. initially i tried not to give in but within a few days i had two fics and more ideas lol they completely took over my thoughts. ive never been this inspired to write, to create, I even learned how to make gifs for them (with lots of help from amazing talented friends 🫶🤣) during fall and winter I always get so depressed and sad and having very dark and depressing thoughts (last year my buck driving fic was a result of that lol), and its so hard to find motivation to do anything, even write. but this year, even tho I had a lil crisis moment, i wrote through it and im as inspired as always - i havent stopped writing since april. they're literally the most inspiring ship ever - and fun fact, usually i prefer writing about fanon ships, so this was a huge change and surprise

I always related to buck a lot, and especially once we got his bisexuality canon - checking out and appreciating hot people of the same sex and not realizing what it means is too real lol - and Tommy is so compelling and theres so much potential for so many stories there, I wish the show would do something interesting with him 😭 despite being so confident and cool, he feels like he's holding back some sad, maybe (probably) traumatic backstory that could be so good and interesting - and lou is such a good actor and itd be amazing to see more from him in this role

they wrote tommy as the perfect love interest for buck, and it was amazing to see it on screen, it was such a breath of fresh air to see this kind of queer representation on a network show, it was so gentle and adorable, and they initially handled it with so much care, and id love to see where they'd go from there 😭 the break up broke my heart not only because it happened, but because it felt ooc and abrupt and not at all like that's where the story was going. wish they'd fix it and give us tommy back 😭🙏

and lastly but most importantly - thanks to bucktommy, i met so many amazing friends ❤️😭 even when I was writing fics and interacting with mutuals on here, i was never really talking to a lot of mutuals, not for longer than a few messages, and now i got this wonderful community that i feel so comfortable in, everyone is so nice and friendly, and I love y'all so much, this is the best fandom experience ive ever had ❤️

thank you all, ive been having so much fun since april, i love y'all. here's to more bucktommy in 2025 ❤️

#alliwantforchristmasislou #bucktommy #bucktommy nation #this post got long lmao i hope its not too chaotic and rambly 🤣

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mosneakers · 2 days ago

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My 𝐓𝐨𝐩 24 𝐒𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 from 2024🎉

Thank you to the absolute legend @kari-sims for tagging me, your whole post was a magical treat ♥

-> tagging @ravingsockmonkey @lilamausmaus @beebeesiims @bananzerssims @echoweaver @simgnomeful @cinamun @salemssimblr @nova-kim @myopiccc @surely-sims @pixelsinmyveins @pixelshary and anyone else seeing this, don't let the the confines of tags stop you from joining in on the fun ^.^

obvs no pressure to participate, just for fun <33

January

From this chapter from Many Moons Ago- Erik and Agnes Darling 🥺

February

Oh god, it has to be this one. You know the one. My heart sinks seeing it. 😭

March

I really love all the shots from this post— Erwin's close call. I'm very proud of how they turned out, despite how his fate turned out 😥

April

This is when we were introduced to Mackenzie and his very short and very... brutal arc, but it was fun while it lasted. I also loved building a vampiric office lol

May-July

VOID August

Ahhh, the Salient Recollection documentary. By this point I had finally gotten access to a working computer and my creative juices could no longer be contained. It was time for the season 10 finale, and we were going out with a baaaang 😫 This post introduces two new characters interviewing Tycho as he reveals his alien identity in the documentary. September

Hopefully this isn't too much of a spoiler right? Lol hoping everyone is all caught up at this point 😄 But seriously this entire scene was so much work. Working with Coraleye's dress and hair alone, plus trying to capture movement during action shots like this? took hours to edit— plus multiple different versions of the same shot all merged together to get what we see here. It was really important that I captured the fear and desperation and also drama! of the moment though

Also another favorite of mine personally, is this one from this post! By this point I had made probably a million individual glove/suit wrinkles, tears, and hair strands in these edits alone and I think this edit reflects that lol— I also love the lighting and the eeriness of the glow from the TV static behind them, and the desperation and frustration they're both feeling, definitely one of my favorites probably of the year.

October

Oh geez lol October is always a big year for me creatively, so expect a bit more than just one :p

This whole post was so hearbreaking to make for me. Coraleye and Tycho (while incredibly toxic and problematic at times) were my favorite couple I've ever written, and breaking them up was so incredibly painful 😢 I loved how all these shots came out and I'm super proud of them. Take note of how Tatiana's winning the election was foreshadowed in that last shot 👀

Somewhat separately (although stay tuned for season 11, js 👀) from the main story, there's no denying this gifset was undoubtedly my most popular post. I've been in a liminal spaces kick for months now and needed to bring that to my safe space, and let's be honest, the most liminal space of all- the sims!

November

In the finale of season 10, the very last post- Coraleye recounts her mental breakdown. The flashback of cutting her hair at her bathroom sink, tear stained cheeks, bloodshot eyes, and then lying on the ground mourning her friend in front of the house the whole group used to room together at in Britechester—I felt—was pretty powerful. Then the juxtaposition of her months later, seemingly bounced back to her regular flirtatious self while interacting this filmmaker, clearly having him wrapped around her finger, I found quite eerie but also just compelling. Another very proud moment for me. I genuinely just love writing and exploring this character.

December

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ A render I made to show off some cc- but for those who get it, get it.

#ts4 #My 𝐓𝐨𝐩 24 𝐒𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 from 2024 #MD4 #the sims 4 #recap #2024 #stories

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girlfriendsofthegalaxy · 2 days ago

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tuesday again 12/24/2024

pair of portentous tuesdayposts: this one is christmas eve and the next one is new year's eve

trying something new with the reading section, where i list off a bunch of books i bounced off and briefly explain why. let me know if this is interesting, or if it's more interesting when i finish a book i sort of enjoyed and really dissect what didn't work for me like with that annoying evil wizard book a couple weeks ago.

listening

the true champ of the past few weeks has been friends at the table's (an actual play podcast about critical worldbuilding, smart characterization, and fun interaction between good friends) horror/weird west season Sangfielle, and i know i have listened to about sixty hours of it bc i have played about sixty hours of stardew valley. i am currently on ep 49, one before the last finale episode, and it feels like it is wrapping up in a very rushed and weird way? maybe i will feel differently after listening to the six coda episodes wrapping up everyones' characters?

the song of the week is fleet foxes’ white winter hymnal, which is morbidly festive without being strictly christmas-y and is not salting the open emotional wound within my chest that is The Holiday Season. album released 2008. christ im old

reading

the concept of this gag award is EXTREMELY funny to me. i wish the EFF sent them a little physical trophy. perhaps a challenge coin.

bounced off a lot of stuff. the six larger books and the far top right are all from my absolute favorite thrift store with the worst vibes, who regularly has a 8/$1 media sale bc they actually want to be more of a kitchen goods and home decor thrift store and don't really want to constantly be overflowing with records no one buys. yet here they are.

i really do need to find a good indie used bookstore around here that will take books and give me back slightly more in store credit than in cash. bc i would like to fill some missing chunks of trilogies/fill out the star wars shelves a little more. but every time i have gone to half price books i have had an unpleasant time.

lumberjanes/bravest warrior/adventure time were not making me feel nostalgic and in fact made me quite sad instead (more in a memento mori way than in subject matter) so they're going to a friend's kid

glad i looked up Heartthrob (despite the really good premise of woman haunted by her heart donor) on my library's comic app bc the third one seems to mostly take place in a mental hospital which is really never a vibe i want

GRIFTER has art i don't love and a bland storyline about an ex-marine who is the saddest boy in the world and can also detect literal space aliens living among us. no thank you

tangle's game has a close-call near-sexual assault in the first chapter. no thank you! cool dystopic social credit score premise but no thanks!

gil's all fright diner is about the king of vampires and the duke of werewolves but they're hicks. the narrator hates that they're dumb hicks. did not jive with the authorial voice on this one

i bought Two Tickets to Tangiers in high school bc it looked cool and have only cracked it open now, almost fifteen years later. fifteen year old kay did not yet have the context clues from the cover that it would be a very racist travelogue

i need to stop trying agatha christie. i am never going to like agatha christie

watching

somehow i have seen the first tinker bell fairies movie three times this week bc that's all my bestie's toddlers want to watch. a really stupidly stacked cast??? how did all these people have free time in 2008???

playing

finished the community center in summer 2 of stardew valley (wildly popular and very intense farming sim) and would have finished it in winter 1 if not for the FUCKING pufferfish. i hate fishing minigames and i especially hate the fishing minigame in stardew so i am excited to leave it the fuck alone for a while.

my cauliflower got stupid mchugelarge?? i do not know why they did that. also a meteor fell on my farm and gave me a bunch of really valuable ore, just like real life meteors.

i do kind of regret picking the beach farm bc so much of my day is spent watering, but i am trying to lean harder into animal products and being more of a fun silly flower farm instead of the intense agriculture i find myself doing. i have the greenhouse, i have a small patch of sprinklerable land, i will simply make sure to buy some of every seed each season and if i really need something i will toss it in the greenhouse.

making

people are being very gracious about their mediocre colored pencil portraits. most of my gift budget this year was two flat rate boxes to my siblings. silly little pet portraits are very cost effective if you already have art supplies, nice paper, gumption, and very cheap small frames.

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem #SoundCloud

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avatarofthearchives · 1 day ago

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If I could make any two character's interact in TMA it would 100% be Gertrude and Distortion! Michael.

It would be so interesting to see how much of Michael is really left, and how Gertrude would react to the consequences of her actions literally right in front of her face.

Plus, I think the contrast of their emotions would be super neat. I really believe that Michael is actually a pretty decent part of The Spiral because of the "And she did not HESITATE," line that is said with far more bitterness than something completely removed from Michael would have. So I think Distortion! Michael would pretty wound up in this confrontation.

Then there's Gertrude, who, as Sasha calls her, is a "stone cold bitch." Even if seeing Michael brought up any emotions in her, I doubt that she'd react in the way he'd want her too. I think she'd stay cool, calm, and collected, which could very easily piss off a raging Michael.

There's so many interpretation's of how this conversation could go down and I'm going to spend hour's thinking about all of them, but man I would love a canon answer of how that would play out.

#the magnus archives #mag #magnus archives #gertrude robinson #michael shelley #distortion michael #the spiral

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ladyeyrewrites · 1 day ago

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The last fifteen months have been a mostly downhill rollercoaster. I was made redundant at my job in September 2023 and my old employer did want to pay out all my entitlements so I had to take them to the Fair Work Commission in order to get paid.

While that was happening, I started getting severe abdominal pain that turned out to be rather large ovarian cysts. I ended up needing to get surgery.

A week before my surgery, my grandfather died, which stirred up a lot of complicated emotions. He was an incredibly difficult man and by the end of his life, dementia had undone all the hard work he'd put into becoming the kind and compassionate grandfather I'd always known, transforming him into a harsh, nasty person who was very difficult to be around. But when my mom called to tell me he probably wouldn't last a week, there was still a part of me that wanted to cancel my surgery and fly back to the US to be there, severe abdominal pain and all.

I slipped into a depressive state post surgery. Understandably so. Between my grandfather's death, my continued abdominal pain and an entirely fruitless job hunt, there wasn't an awful lot going on in my life. Which is when I found 9-1-1.

I became absolutely fixated on the show and its characters, especially after bucktommy, and for the first time in a decade, I delved into the fandom.

At first, I just lurked, happy to read fanfic and write some just for my own enjoyment. And then the hiatus happened and the attacks on bucktommy fans got worse and I wanted to be part of the positivity so I started posting my fics.

I won't say that the bucktommy cured my depression (getting a new job, finally probably had more to do with that), but all those positive interactions and getting back into a regular writing habit certainly helped lift my mood and lit the way back to a stable place. And I am so grateful for the community that's sprung up around this ship.

Thank you so much to everyone who's been part of making this fandom a kind, joyful, and positive space. I love you all and I look forward to continuing to obsess over this pairing with you some more in the new year.

#bucktommy #tevan #all I want for christmas is lou

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seikkoi · 2 days ago

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ᴡɪᴛʜᴇʀ | j.barnes x f!reader

READ ON AO3

Your words hang in the air like laundry on a rainy day–pointless and unchanging in purpose. The empty space dares him to say something back, but the more time passes, the less sure he seems. His mouth opens and closes, jaw tense and fighting against something inside.

“I can’t be what you need.”

content/warnings: 18+ minors do not interact. post-snap au, secondary character death, implied/referenced abortion, survivor's guilt, grief, ptsd, etc., explicit mentions of alcohol, angst, hurt with absolutely no comfort, no y/n usage word count: 5.1k

“James–” you try to call out, and the syllables die in your throat.

He pauses at the threshold, shoulders slump.

“I can’t,” he mutters under his breath, more to himself than to you.

The walls thunder when the door slams behind him, leaving a silence empty enough to hear your own pulse. It’s quick, adrenaline still rushing and heat still dancing on your tongue. Even though you feel defeated in your own right. You thought you would have so much more to say, so much more anger to let out. Insults and frustrations you’ve buried over months. But your admission had sliced deep enough, and Bucky was clearly uninterested in staying for round two.

It wasn’t meant to end like this, you weren’t supposed to tell him like this. You had anxiously prepared for this conversation, waiting for a night he was sober enough to remember you existed. He’d call over and over from midnight to two in the morning, breaking your will with every ring until you answered and save him from whatever hole he was drowning in. Or, he’d show up and plead for you through the door. You obliged him every time, saying it was for your neighbors peace and not your own. But that was a lie, it was for you–each time.

You couldn’t stand leaving him alone and broken, and he needed that. He needed someone to care. Something solid, safe. You were a journalist–not risking your life everyday and grounded enough to understand why he still did.

Yeah, he wasn’t the Winter Soldier anymore, but that wasn’t stopping him. He wanted to pay the world back. Do anything to make all the terror worth it. It didn’t matter that the toll could never be paid in full, that the universe never asked for retribution. He didn’t think he deserved to have anything else.

In the beginning, after HYDRA fell, it gave him purpose. He started to feel normal. Steve pulled him back into the world a year ago when all he wanted to do was hide away. He thought he could, thought he was ready. It felt good to save people instead of harm. To have children reach for him in safety. He listened to Sam and attended the veteran’s meetings. He didn’t need to share for everyone to know who he was–the sight of the brooding, gloved man in the corner with dark eyes told enough on its own. He soaked in the stories of others, taking solace in knowing no one experience was unique.

He started going out, living. Steve and Sam drag him to the gym a few times a week, which inevitably spirals into the gym and lunch afterwards. On Sam’s birthday, he guilts Bucky and Steve into ‘just one shot’, which, of course, inevitably spirals into several shots and a few beers.

Bucky won’t say it then, but it’s the most normal he’s felt since 1945. He watches Steve make a passionate argument for English beers (to Sam’s dismay), and swears he watched him make the same argument 50 years ago in a bar two boroughs over.

He had gained the courage to venture the city on his lonesome. It was overwhelming and exhilarating. Streets he thought he knew like the back of his hand had completely transformed, and totems he thought would be long forgotten stood the test of time.

He winds up back in Brooklyn, strolling the outskirts of his old neighborhood. He didn’t dare pass the frontier, not yet. Still, it felt good to be this close. The streets were different now—sleeker, polished, bustling with a new generation of dreamers—but their roots carried the scent of home. The barbershop he used to frequent is now home to an upscale coffee shop. The old brick facade is now limestone white, and he honestly might prefer it that way.

He had another few blocks of reminiscing to do, but the door swings open as a young couple emerges in high spirits, carrying a very enticing croissant and a mouth watering smell to match.

He doesn’t catch you on the other side of the glass–looking away from your laptop to catch some leather-bound brood get seduced by a pastry. You chuckle as the choice seems to take him very little time to make, stopping just long enough to watch the couple walk by and catch the door behind them.

He seems innocent enough despite the heavy coat and deep scowl. You can’t help turning slightly in your barstool to watch him, sticking out from the new age pop music and neon lights. You have to hide in your book when he heads for the empty seat next to you.

“Did no one ever tell you staring was impolite?”

You stammered an apology as he laughed and asked what you were reading. After you ramble for a minute too long, he pledges to give it a try and let you know what he thinks.

“Same time next week?” he smiles, knocking against the counter and leaving as quickly as he entered, treat in hand.

You didn’t want to take what he said seriously. Obviously, it was polite sarcasm. He didn’t mean it. You weren’t getting dressed and heading back to the cafe the following week because you expected him to be there or anything. No, no. You had an article to finish and that was your spot anyway. If he’s there again, it’s not because of you, it’s because of the croissant, obviously.

But he is there. Not only is he there, he’s got the book you recommended in hand. He waves the spine enthusiastically across the room when you take your place at the counter, and you try not to smile too hard.

You didn’t think it’d spiral into anything. You hadn’t meant to ask him for his number the next week, it just sort of stumbled out–under the guise of talking about the book, of course.

Instead, you two talk about anything but that. At first, Bucky’s shy to admit he didn’t quite get some of the references, and you happily spend a half an hour explaining Blade Runner. He begs you not to call him James out of embarrassment, and you do it anyway (eventually, it turns into a well-liked habit). You tell him about the time you tripped crossing the graduation stage, and he laughs as if he was seeing it live.

For weeks you find yourself glued to your phone well into the early morning hours, swapping high school stories and food criticisms with such ease that you forget your giggling with one of the world’s deadliest assassins. You avoid bringing it up–you were a journalist, you read the papers. You didn’t need him to relive that to you. Especially when you were both too busy falling hard, and fast. Phone calls turn into dinners that turn into him spending the night in your bed.

Before you know it, you’re spending your Sundays watching him completely fail a pancake flip in your kitchen. There’s warmth in the air, in your ribs. Settled and comforting in a way you never knew you needed. And then he presents his blob shaped creation like a true work of art and you realize you don't want that feeling to go anywhere.

He brought that into your life, swelling and warm with every terrible pancake flip, soft smile, or kiss to your cheek.

And Bucky was better for it. To know he could love, to be loved in return. It grounded him more than any ghost walks through the old neighborhood ever would. This, what he had with you, it was here now.

Maybe the fight could truly be over. Maybe he was finally safe.

And then, Thanos happens.

It is the worst month of your life. You go from slow dancing in the living room, leaning against him and taking in the calm of his heartbeat, to watching the news in horror as Thanos’ army came to Earth. Scotland, New York, Wakanda. Footage of smoke rising in great plumes, painting the skyline with streaks of ash and chaos. Alien ships hover like vultures, dropping black-armored creatures into the streets below. And somewhere in that chaos was Bucky.

Or so you had hoped. Girlfriends weren’t high on the SHIELD update chain, and his location was confidential regardless. So, for 28 days, all you could do was watch the chaos unfold from the other side of the screen. On day twenty-nine, you woke up to find that half the world had vanished without a trace. You call Sam over and over, praying that he was okay, that Bucky was okay.

No one answers, and for another three days you sit alone in your apartment swallowed whole by grief. Friends, family, the blonde barista at the coffee shop, and the man you barely got to love.

A knock at the door pulls you from your stupor, eyes raw and cheeks red. And when the door swings open, your world tilts again.

“Hey, doll.”

He says it so casually, like he’d just step out for an afternoon, not over a month. There’s a cascade of bruises on his face, a pristine bandage wrapped around his arm, but he’s there. Alive. Flesh and Bone.

You don’t think, you leap. Your arms tangle around his shoulders, squeezing until you’re shaking. He grunts softly in surprise, but his arms wrap around you tightly, steadying you like he always does.

You sob before you can even speak, your cries muffled against his chest. His metal hand runs gently along your back.

You hoped–assumed all would return to normal now. The life you were starting didn’t need to be on hold a second longer. The world would take time to heal, sure, but for now you could go back to late night slow dances and burnt Sunday pancakes.

But then, you hear about Sam.

He didn’t make it.

Neither did countless others Bucky had dared to call family the last few years. You listen in stunned silence as Bucky tells you, the weight of the losses hanging heavy in the air between you. His voice cracks when he mentions Steve, though he doesn’t say much else. You don’t press—what more could you possibly ask?

For a while, both of you stay shadows of yourselves, and you imagined a great deal of others followed suit. Work didn’t go anywhere–being exponentially difficult if anything. Constant reporting of the aftermath, the testimonies. You don’t admit it and you don’t quit, but you start to hate it. You run out of words to describe what happened and no one can make up their minds for quite a while. The editor-in-chief gives you sympathetic nods for every late article, but you know you’re hanging on by a thread.

At night, Bucky holds you a little too tight, and you let him.

You catch him staring out the window in the early morning. Sharp lines draw on his face and you wonder if what you write is nearly half as bad as what he’s seen. It’s the only time you wonder what he’s done, what any of this has truly been like for him.

Truthfully, it’s hell.

For weeks now he’d pulled countless mangled bodies from rubble, killed heartless scavengers who wouldn’t put the damn gun down, and watched the world he started to love again fall apart. And the rebuilding effort was estimated to take years. He didn’t have years of this in him.

And who's to say Thanos was done? He had the stone, all the power in the universe to squander them at a moment's notice. Two of the strongest people he knew, gone with a single snap.

“Why wasn’t it me?” he thinks, staring down an empty glass.

The compound was eerily empty, with Stark still M.I.A and everyone else busy putting out fires at all corners of the globe. Pepper couldn’t stand the silence and left for her parents’ house in Boston. Bucky doesn’t even know what he’s doing here. He should be out there like everyone else–helping more, looking Tony, or supporting you. But it’s 2 am and he’s stuck, unable to face anyone and unable to cry.

The fight would never be over. And he would never be able to keep anyone safe.

So he pulls away. Like night and day you go from two ghostly shadows, dancing in charred grief to nuclear reactions, ready to set the other off at a moment's notice. He can't cope and you can hardly move on, but you are moving. You push Bucky to do the same and it never ends well. It’s easier for you, and you know that. You’re constantly reminded of the devastation behind the thin veil of pictures and text. There is no separation for Bucky. Every cry, every hint of death and absence, floods his senses until it’s all his brain can compute.

The world is gone.

In a flash of anger, he throws the bottle against the refrigerator and takes pride in the shatter. F.R.I.D.A.Y is smart enough not to offer assistance.

Peace was at his fingertips. He felt it. He missed it. Watching Steve and Sam argue about the most trivial topics. Listening to you ramble at 3 am about bad romance novels. Seeing actual joy in strangers on the street. Being in the world when it felt whole again.

Now, he can’t look at you without thinking of loss. The folly of love. Pain would always lurk on the horizon. He could try over and over to rebuild. It didn’t matter and it never would. The universe was a cruel bitch–and nowhere knew through him by the looks of it. Every night he goes to sleep with a heavy ache in his heart. A miasma that sits on his chest and stares at him through his dreams. In the morning, it follows him from place to place. Watching, waiting to swallow him whole.

When Bucky comes to you later that evening reeking of sorrow, you have a look that he can’t place. He thinks you can see it, the dread stalking him. The emptiness. He can’t take it and leaves as soon as he arrives. With each passing day, he pulls away more, and more and more. It’s better to lose you this way.

It doesn’t stop you from calling and sometimes he answers. Some days he shows up and holds you like nothing ever happened. He loses his grief in the soft corners of your body, and you let him. It helps you too. You find yourself all the same, soaking in his weight against the mattress. It’s hopeful, the way he touches you. Delicate, precise–not in pleasure but in preservation. He breaks you apart until you’re left to just the finest parts. Thinking of nothing but him, wanting nothing but him. Hungry teeth mark the soft flesh at your pulse, the skin on your inner thigh. All to catalogue the noises you make, to feel your nails dig into his shoulders. He does this for his own memory, savouring as much of you as you can before you’re gone for good. He knows it’s inevitable.

It’s always been inevitable.

In the morning, it’s lost all over again when he disappears, leaving the scent of mulberry and whiskey behind.

Carol finds Nebula and Tony in cold space. Battered, starving, and a moment away from slow death. Bucky had a dust of hope left that the genius had one more trick up his sleeve. A month passes while he recovers, then weeks. After a year Pepper and Tony find a quaint cabin up north to forget. Or maybe to start over? Bucky can’t tell and he gets too mad at his absence to care. Tony Stark got to stop being Iron Man and all James wishes for is to stop being Bucky.

The time between his late-night visits as the miasma greedily feeds. The loneliness and old memories stops either of you from saying what needs to be said. It’s harder and harder for him to face you. Each time Bucky leaves you craving what you had before, while still giving you hope it might come back.

He stops coming to the cafe altogether. Stopped calling. The man who once lit up your entire world now burned through whiskey like it was water, each sip drowning him a little further

The day you find out, it’s bittersweet, and you dared to hope again. You picture, even if just for a second, a bright future. Burnt pancakes with an extra plate, soft laughter from the dinner table as you and Bucky waltz around the kitchen–you picture it all in such a sharp flash. A reason for both of you to hope again. It’s vivid and near disorienting. You sit against the bathroom wall staring at the pink double lines.

Out of instinct and burning joy, you called Bucky, heart racing and a smile creeping onto your face.

It rings once. Twice. Three Times. And then voicemail.

And then you remember who Bucky is, or rather who he’s becoming.

And your heart sinks.

For two days you cry and wait. That he’d call back, that this time he had a reason. That the universe wasn’t giving you an enormous final sign.

Each day blurs into the next and you’re forced to face the music. The future you pictured, it would never be reality. In reality, things continued to deteriorate. Just as Bucky realized anything could take you away from him, you realized he was already gone. Sure, he survived the snap, but he wasn’t living. He perished just the same. You were left with a man hollow from far more than just grief. And a man who could never be a father. That peaceful future could never exist because this world would never give you peace.

Children weren’t a part of your life plan. You couldn’t do it on your own and you knew that. You weren’t sure you could do it under any circumstances. But you certainly couldn’t in this world. Not now.

So you made a choice, alone. You called Bucky again before making the appointment, to no answer. You couldn’t bring yourself to tell a friend, sunken by anger and sadness you can’t. You go alone, drive home alone, and cry alone for two weeks.

You start to think this time he’s never coming back. Your decision feels justified, righteous, and forty times worse. The bed sheets maintain a perfect shape for you to hide in. Not from Bucky. No, you wish he’d seek you out. At your absolute worst and wanting him the most. Even though you knew you should hate him, cast him aside in your mind.

But you just can’t. Call it loneliness or stupidity–it didn’t matter. You keep a sliver of hope that he waltzes right back into your life, this time as himself, whole. Unbroken and ready to belt Frank Sinatra down the empty streets as he walks you home. You could loop his arms in his again and lean steady on his weight once more.

Maybe you got desperate for it. While the weeks stretched into another month, and you had to keep living. People seemed to fill the gaps others left behind. Deadlines came back, along with birthdays, sports tournaments, and holidays. There was always an air of despair to everything, though. Tributes and memorials were constant, and the topic never truly left public discussion. It simply changed from a thing that was happening, to a thing that had happened.

You met new people, a lot, in fact. A few even ask you out. Each time you turn them down, lying about you weren’t ready for dating yet or that work was too hectic. Truthfully, the thought of being with anyone else felt like an act of betrayal. Logically, after twenty seven days (because yes, you were counting) of missed calls and ignored texts, one might assume any romantic relationship did, or should come to end. But not you, not with Bucky.

You didn’t want anyone else. But he wasn’t here.

On day thirty four, a heavy knock wakes you around midnight. You’re half-asleep, shivering in your night-gown and wishing you wore something warmer to bed when you answer.

Bucky slouches against the door frame, clothes wrinkled and eyes glinting. He looks at you for a second, just long enough for you to see the anguish stalking him, before he crosses into your apartment–taking your face between his palms and kissing you.

You don’t think, only react. You never do on these nights, the nights he bothers to remember you and you’re desperate enough to let him in. You react to the liquor-stained tongue dancing in your mouth, his hands finding your hips and pushing yours against the wall. You wrap your arms around his shoulders, and when his hands paw at the silk of your nightgown, you untie it for him.

You don’t think as tears flood the back of your eyes, just as desperate as you are for release. It’s love, anger, need, and grief in their most convoluted form–working together and fogging your mind.

You don’t think when he lifts you around his waist, tongue still searching for peace behind your lips. It’s been long, too long for both of you. Too many nights and days spent praying he’d come back to you. He lays you down on your bed, trailing down your body and leaving you breathless. You can hardly see him in the dark room. A shadow, lighting your nerves on fire without a single word.

Some shifts. Perhaps it comes from the way he pauses at your hip. Fleeting and haunting. Recoiling as if the bone will break skin to seek him out. Livid that he would dare to take more than he deserves.

You don't think, and misread his hesitation as a chance to take control. Flip the script. Leave him a wanting mess. You don’t want to give yourself any time in reality. You want to pretend this is one of your first times. Before the world bowed under its own weight. Before you Bucky became your curse. And thinking is antithetical to whatever currently happens between you two in these four walls.

Your hands graze the lines of his jaw in the dark, finding full hairs where your mind remembers itchy stubble. Too much time has passed. You don’t think, pulling him back towards you and capturing his lips, trying to mimic the hungry passion he showed you at the door.

He doesn’t show you any return and you would think to stop, but you aren’t there yet. You try harder, until his arms braces your forearm. The cold metal grounds you and forces you to find his eyes in the shadows.

“This is wrong, I shouldn’t be here.” he whispers, almost like he’s speaking to himself. You hold his gaze briefly before it darts to the floor.

Your heart sinks like a stone. Your ribcage wants to tighten around it.

You tighten your nightgown instead.

“Don’t,” you plead, but Bucky was already pulling away, fingers curling into fists at his sides.

“I mean it.” he took another step back, and the stone reaches your stomach. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“Can’t?” you shot up, more sharp and cutting than you thought. “What the hell does that mean, James? You can’t? After everything–”

He knows you're using his birth name out of anger, but even then he relishes in the way it sounds on your tongue.

He still doesn’t bear to look at you, shoulders slumping. “I shouldn’t have come here, I should’ve known better.”

The laugh that breaks out of you isn’t a laugh at all. It was something jagged and bitter. You leave your bed to face him, refusing to let him ignore the hurt he’s causing.

“You should’ve known better? Now what, you disappear again and call it noble this time?”

“I’m trying to do what’s best for you! I’m trying to protect you!” he snapped, loud enough to echo.

“Protect me from what? From you?” you repeat, incredulous. The words taste sour.

“Yes!” he burst out, voice high and raw. “You don’t need this–you don’t need me.”

Breaths can barely leave your throat. You think this is what people always meant when they said they were ‘seeing red’. You want to ask if he thinks you needed him after losing half of everyone you cared about, too. After eight hours a day writing about tragedies that somehow felt two feet in front of you despite happening thousands of miles away.

“I can’t believe I thought you could ever be a father–that we might have a family.” It’s an admission you mean to keep in your head, but it spills out in a tangled mess with your tears before you can realize what you’re saying.

Bucky snaps his head up. His jaw clenches, and for a moment, it looks like he’s going to argue. But the weight of your words seems to register. He doesn’t say anything, and the silence is suffocating. You feel the space between you both stretching, threatening to snap. He finally meets your eyes, and the vulnerability there almost breaks you again.

“What are you talking about?” He knows the answer to his own question. But he wants to be wrong. He prays to be wrong.

“I was pregnant and you couldn’t even pick up the phone.” you grit, trying not to yell, cry, or some combination of both. You fail, and your sparse tears turn into full streams. “I didn’t know what to do–I was alone.”

“When were you going to tell me?” His tone is low, in a confused attempt to process, but all you hear is blame.

“I tried! For weeks! I couldn’t just wait on the sidelines for you to love me again, I couldn’t do this without you and you weren’t here!”

“You don’t understand,” he mutters, his voice cracking under your anger.

“Then help me understand!” you plead, stepping closer, your heart pounding against your ribs. “Help me understand why I had to make that choice alone.”

“I’ve lost everything,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Everything I’ve ever cared about. And I can’t—I won’t—put you in that same category.”

You stare at him, your chest tightening with both frustration and heartache. “So, what, you just decide to give up? Walk away and lose me anyway?”

“That’s not what this is–I’m not giving up,” he insists, though there's a lack of conviction in his voice.

“Bullshit, you’re just a coward–you’re giving up because it’s easy and staying here and making things work is harder.”

Bucky froze, his jaw tightening as your words settled between them like a storm cloud. His voice was low, measured, but laced with contempt.

“Don’t give me that crap, There’s nothing easy about letting you go.”

“You don’t get to talk to me about giving up, Bucky. Not when you’re the one walking away. Not again.”

“You think I’m just cutting myself off from everything, throwing my entire life away, throwing you away, leaving every last thing I know and care about behind, because I want the easy life?” He stepped closer, his eyes blazing.

“It was never that easy for me to do this—with you, with anyone! It was so much easier for me to go on thinking there was something I could do to make a real difference, but I know now—” His voice cracked slightly, and he ran a hand through his hair.

“I know now there’s nothing I can do. The only path everything leads to is everything being ripped away from me.”

You shook your head, voice sharp. “That’s a lie, and you know it.”

“If I could do something to be at peace,” he continued, his voice still rising, “then I’d do it. I swear to you that I would. But it’s all just... waiting to slip through my fingers, leaving nothing behind.”

“That’s not true!” you snapped, your fists clenching. “You’re the one letting it all slip away, Bucky. Not fate, not some unstoppable force—you.”

“Bullshit!” His words were a snarl now, his hands clenched at his sides as though he didn’t know where else to put the anger. “What do you know? What the hell do you actually know about me, huh?”

Her lips parted, but he didn’t wait for an answer. “Nothing! I’ll tell you what kind of man I really am.” His voice softened, the anger bleeding into something more resigned. “I had nothing when I started, and I’ll have nothing when this nightmare finally ends. And I’m not wasting your life too.”

“You don’t get to decide that for me!” you shouted, stepping forward. “You don’t get to play martyr and act like I’m just collateral damage in whatever war you’re fighting with yourself. I’m here. I’ve always been here.”

“You know I’m right,” he bit out, his voice suddenly colder, quieter. “You knew it when you decided to end it–and I don’t blame you.”

There isn’t any air left in the room.

“I’m an empty shell. There’s nothing inside me at all. I know there isn’t. Guess that’s obvious. Anybody could see that. Before Steve got me, before I met you...” Bucky laughed bitterly, shaking his head.

You don’t know what to say. You don’t know how to fix this. You want to start over.

“Do you have any idea what I did with my life? I hurt people, I terrorized people, that’s what. I’ve never done a single honorable thing.” He looked at you with glossy eyes.

“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to decide that nothing good has ever come from you, just so you can justify giving up. You don’t get to rewrite everything, Bucky.” Your voice was barely above a whisper, trembling with frustration and hurt.

Your words hang in the air like laundry on a rainy day–pointless and unchanging in any purpose. The empty space dares him to say something back, but the more time passes, the less sure he seems. His mouth opens and closes, jaw tense and fighting against something inside.

“I can’t be what you need.”

It’s soft and final.

Before you can even process it, he turns sharply, heading out your bedroom and to the front door. Each thud of boots feels heavier, more deliberate.

“James–” you try to call out, and the syllables die in your throat.

He pauses at the threshold, shoulders slump.

“I can’t,” he mutters under his breath, more to himself than to you.

And then, without another word, the door slams behind him with a force that rattles your bones.

You stand there in the dark, the silence swallowing you whole. The words you want to say, the things you wish you could take back, settle into the pit of your stomach like stones.

But he's gone, turning into a ghost once more. And for the first time in a long while, you know he won’t be coming back to haunt you.

[ comments & reblogs appreciated ♡ thx for reading ]

#bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #winter solider x reader #mcu fanfic #marvel fanfiction #seikkoiwrites

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sapphoscreature · 1 day ago

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Caitlyn and the Grey- A Deep Dive

I’d really like to explore Caitlyn’s use of the Grey in Act 1. This is not me trying to excuse Caitlyn’s choices, but I think, as with all things in Arcane, there’s nuance in the reason, the outcome, and the reactions this causes from other characters. There are grey areas where the characters interact, and nuance in the morally grey choices they make, something I think in large part the Grey embodies, and I just really want to explore it out of a fascination with the storytelling in this show.

The Background

In episode 1, it is agreed that enforcers will enter the Underground to locate Jinx as a ‘single deranged individual’ responsible for the Council attack. Mel and Caitlyn are reluctant to allow this to happen, knowing ‘innocents will be caught in the crossfire.’ With Ambessa’s interjection, however, the invasion is set to go ahead, although without the use of Hextech.

Throughout this episode we see Caitlyn’s dwindling mental state. Her grief, guilt, and anger are battling with her empathy and level-headed thinking. This affects all the choices she makes. This is so interesting to watch, especially when it comes to Vi.

Vi is the person with whom Caitlyn is vulnerable. She collapses into her arms and breaks down. She represents calm to Caitlyn, as reflected in the vent/wind chime system in her hideaway. Yet Caitlyn’s guilt is causing her thinking to go askew, and I think she is falling back onto the systems and structures of Piltover with which she has grown up for guidance. Not only that, but she is now head of the Kiramman house, a ‘pillar’ of the Piltovan society, something which she admits she does not feel deserving nor ready for. Heavy is the crown.

In relation to Vi, this leads her to spring an enforcer badge on her. Caitlyn’s reasoning is complex, for she no longer believes in the ‘reckless plans’ which they had carried out in season 1 and which she believes led to her mother’s death (‘my arrogance led me to take on more than I could handle, and she paid the price’), but there remains that belief in each other that was there in season 1 when they addressed the council. ‘You can show that not all of Zaun supports Jinx. We can show them. Together.’ Caitlyn is falling back onto old systems, but I think she also believes that Vi can be the difference within those systems, that she defies, to an extent, those systems. The lines blur around them as their feelings for each other continue to defy the ‘oil and water’ division. And, if Maddie’s words are to be believed, Caitlyn demanded a badge for Vi because ‘if every enforcer had a heart like yours, we could take on Noxus itself.’

Vi is fiercely protective, and Caitlyn’s safe space, and Caitlyn needs her help. She says as much after the memorial attack when admitting she was ‘wrong’ to ‘spring the badge’ on Vi. It is only that ‘every way I slice it, if I go after your sister alone, one of us comes back in a box.’ Caitlyn does not want Jinx dead, although once again why is complex, perhaps both for Vi’s sake, and for justice’s. But Vi is crucial, not only in being the first to become suspicious of the attack on the memorial and stopping it, but also grounding Caitlyn afterwards. Well, as much as she can, as this is when we see Caitlyn slipping. The memorial attack is the tipping point. She is so angry. She is losing her empathy, calling the attackers ‘animals.’

Vi encourages her to stop the invasion on Zaun. ‘Down there, you’ll be on their terms.’ ‘None of this is on our terms,’ Caitlyn replies, growing more and more anguished. ‘Maybe you should change that,’ Vi challenges, looking, I think, for the Caitlyn who took on the council in season 1. The Caitlyn who, after that failed, was ready to make a new plan and ‘fix’ things. The Caitlyn who was a misfit to her own society.

But as I’ve said, she is falling back onto Piltovan power structures. And she reveals as much to Vi. ‘She dies and leaves this giant hole, and I’m just supposed to fill it. Like she was never there to begin with.’ This is an expression of grief but also, I think, of the rigid structure of Piltovan society. One Kiramman dies, another steps into their place.

I think this is the most vulnerable we ever see Caitlyn when she admits that ‘it’s all coming apart,’ and Vi is there to offer her comfort and hope. ‘We won’t let it.’ We’ll figure this out, she seems to say. We’ll come up with a plan. ‘We,’ as if they can function as they used to, defying all the power structures in place to follow their own path. But it is far too late for that, they are already embroiled in a war, and having to pick a side. Vi in this episode deserves way more attention than I’m giving her right now, but she puts on the enforcer uniform, believing her sister is gone. Believing this is how she can help.

And Caitlyn seems to stop fighting the pressure of her name. She accesses her family archives using the literal symbol (the key) of their power and discovers the vents and the Grey. She interrupts the council and wields her family name like a weapon to impose her own choices. There will be no invasion, just her strike team. They will enter Zaun to ‘locate Jinx, dismantle shimmer, and neutralise any agents still loyal to Silco.’

The plan is structured and methodical, as is Caitlyn. The plan is stopping full on invasion. The plan is targeting those individuals who are harmful to both Piltover and Zaun. But the Caitlyn of season 1 has vanished beneath a colder exterior. Her visual presentation is enough to tell us that she might be driven by justice, but she is also driven by revenge. And that revenge, that burning hellfire of emotions, is distorting her vision and her choices.

Zaun

I want to touch now on the context we are given as to what is happening in Zaun following Silco’s death before finally tackling the use of the Grey (I know, sorry, but I think this is all important in trying to analyse what is going on).

Jinx puts it best. ‘It’s all going to shit.’ Fighting has broken out amongst the chem-barons now vying for power in the vacuum Silco has left. The ‘Sucker’ sequence shows us fighting on the streets, fires breaking out. Children like Isha are running from the chem-barons’ goons. The Firelights are bringing people to their safe haven because of all the fighting. Deaths are referenced in a meeting with the chem-barons organised by Sevika.

Jinx walks through all of this, cloaked and seemingly uncaring, focussed on the loss of Silco. She does, however, save Isha from the goons when she literally falls on top of her. Like Vi, she deserves her own deep dive, but I will be touching on her actions in response to Caitlyn’s across episodes 2 & 3 in a bit as it’s so interesting, particularly considering how they always parallel and contrast each other.

Something that’s clear, I think, is that these are, as Sevika calls them, ‘turf wars.’ Inference tells us that different chem-barons control different areas of the city- ‘you started this dance when you raided the Rapturewalk.’ Innocents are getting hurt because the conflict is in the city itself. This is the environment into which Caitlyn’s strike team enters.

‘Hellfire’

So, let’s look at Caitlyn’s use of the Grey, and how it intersects and impacts what’s happening in Zaun. I am going to discuss the ‘hellfire’ sequence alongside events as shown in episode 2 as they happen concurrently, teasing out a timeline before analysing what we can interpret from character actions and how they are framed within the narrative.

Timeline of Events

Having decided on a plan, Caitlyn’s strike team descend into the undercity using the ventilation system which they access through the wind chime mechanism in Caitlyn’s hideaway (this is where the strike team- minus Cait and Vi- are shown to be exiting from in episode 3).

We see Caitlyn activating the vents in order to drive the Grey down into the undercity. First, Silco’s goons are seen running from the plume of gas. Then, they target Margot’s base, engaging in physical violence to incapacitate her group and question them about Jinx’s whereabouts (who we know wants nothing to do with this).

Chem-baron Smeech arrives at Margot’s base, from my understanding, as the strike team are carrying out their plan. He sends his men in, where one encounters the strike team. These same men are shown fighting with the strike team during the hellfire sequence. The strike team seem to be easily able to overpower them. They have the Hextech weaponry, of course.

Piecing together the timeline, I think Smeech moves on to the meeting with the other chem-barons and Sevika. I’m assuming they have left their lackeys to do their dirty work. The strike team then heads for the shimmer factory, flooding that with the Grey. As far as I can tell, Caitlyn uses the net device on her gun to capture two of the chem-barons before destroying vials of shimmer.

The next time we see them is with Jinx in the arcade. We can assume that Vi is the one who leads them there, seeing as it was a place they frequented as kids. After Jinx escapes, we next see them in the pipes for the vents where they come across Heenot and Jinx’s booby trap meant to lure them towards her in the temple of Janna.

(I’m going to focus more on Jinx and her retaliation in a bit).

Analysis and my own interpretation

(Disclaimer: this is all I have gleaned from my interpretation. Tbh to an extent it’s difficult to see what exactly is going on, which maybe be an intentional choice which only adds another layer to grey areas surrounding these morally grey choices)

So, the strike team’s aims were:

Locate Jinx

Dismantle shimmer

Neutralise any agents still loyal to Silco

We see them doing all three (or, at least, trying to find Jinx). And this is where it gets complex, because to an extent the strike team’s motives might actually benefit Zaun. Destroying shimmer, something which stems from the damage Cait and Vi see shimmer cause, because of Silco and Singed, in Zaun during season 1, would be to destabilise the power struggle going on between the chem-barons causing violence on the streets. When Smeech reaches Margot’s, he comments that the Grey has ‘cleared the place out. Might have made our jobs a lot easier.’ The Grey may have de-escalated violence (although what Smeech wants- domination for himself- is hardly beneficial to Zaun, but Sevika soon takes care of him).

When Vi confronts Jinx, she argues that they used the Grey to ‘clear the streets. To keep people safe.’ If Vi believes her own words, the Grey might be perceived through the strike team’s eyes as a preferable choice to a full-on invasion. We do see them run and free Heenot, Smeech’s lackey who Jinx leaves tied up (I’ll get into that soon), inhaling the Grey, to aid him. Harming innocents is not their intent. Their use of the Grey appears targeted to the chembarons, Silco’s ‘agents’, and Jinx- the Grey seeps from Margot’s base but the street itself is not flooded. As the strike team enter the arcade the Grey seeps in, but when Jinx escapes afterwards, the street outside is clear.

But this is where it is important to consider the framing and Caitlyn’s mindset at this time. The Grey is threatening, even if it is not being used with blind abandon. It is consistently presented as a monster. We see this through its depiction in the Kiramman archives and through the eyes of the Zaunites- Smeech’s lackey and Jinx perceive it, and the strike team who appear from within it, as such. That the reflection of this monster is reflected back onto Caitlyn’s face is a clear indication of the dark path she is going down.

And, as with the chem-barons’ terf wars, this is playing out on the streets of Zaun. The frame of the strike team coming after Silco’s goons appears to be on a street (note: from what I can tell, these are Silco's people. Looking back at season 1 they appear with him). Crucially, they are the only characters depicted in this frame, no other Zaunites, but that this frame is paralleled to an image from the Kiramman archive of Zaunites running from a pollution cloud is striking (although also worth considering the differences in these frames, too), and is why I think the Grey intentionally represents the morally grey path down which Caitlyn is venturing through its very being.

The strike team is both helping the undercity and harming it. They are seeking justice against those who have harmed the undercity by being complicit in the distribution of shimmer, but are utilising systems which underline the ingrained imbalance of power between Piltover and Zaun- Caitlyn has knowledge only available due to her position of power and privilege. At the same time, becoming ever more blinded by revenge, Caitlyn is harming her own name and legacy- the vents had originally been built to help- and losing her moral compass. She is a figure of vengeance in the hellfire sequence, eyes burning red. The framing pulls no punches.

Jinx

However, there is yet another layer to the Grey that I want to explore, concerning Jinx and her retaliation to the strike team’s actions. As in other cases such as cracking hextech and breaking into Caitlyn’s house to kidnap her in season one, Jinx defies the power imbalance between Piltover and Zaun (something which leads to her becoming a symbol of Zaunite resistance, but I’m not going to go deep into that right now).

She is deeply upset when she sees Vi as part of the strike team flooding the arcade with the Grey. We see she lays trigger explosives in the vents to presumably incapacitate the strike team. She stops a propellor, tying Smeech’s lackey Heenot to it (following the fight with Sevika) and also hanging vivisected dolls of the strike team members. She is taunting them.

Heenot tells Cait and Vi that ‘Jinx is off the rails, even for her. She’s got a real fire lit under her ass. She’s planning something big, right here in the pipeworks. She was heading towards the old tunnels. Something about rerouting the vents.’

We see Silco and Jinx use the Grey (or something like it) on both the chem-barons and Sevika in season 1, and it seems clear Jinx has some knowledge of the vents. She redirects the Grey down towards the temple of Janna to lead Caitlyn and Vi to the fight in episode 3 (worth nothing- who is Janna? Idk anything about lol lore so maybe I’m wrong, but is there something in suggesting it could be a Kiramman ancestor, if they were the ones to provide cleaner air to the undercity? Interesting to consider in light of the myriad ways the two cities interact with each other).

Significantly, following the fight, Sevika triggers explosives which releases air which travels at high volumes through the vents. This streamlines the Grey directly up towards Piltover, where it explodes throughout the city in Jinx’s trademark flourish of vibrant colours.

To me, this represents how Jinx defies the power imbalance. She does this for her own ends, but her actions also benefit Zaun as a whole, churning the Grey up to topside. Arcane features a conflict between two cities older and larger than the characters, but it is through the characters we watch it play out. Their choices. How they continue the cycles of violence.

For Caitlyn, I think Jinx’s retaliation reflects how her actions have become more harmful than helpful. She is harming everyone, including the city she is trying to protect, as well as the people she loves, turning on Vi out of a feeling of betrayal. The Grey explosions cause great distress and injury, something which enables Ambessa to consolidate her position as Piltover’s saviour (and so, in a way, ironically doom Caitlyn to the commander position to which she is appointed).

She is harming herself, too, which is symbolised by the Grey (dyed Jinx’s blue) bursting through the metal slats in the wind chime device in her hideaway. This device had represented the turning of Caitlyn’s mind and the peace she had found in Vi. All of that is destroyed and stained blue.

Conclusion

There is so much more you could interpret about the Grey, about how the characters’ personal vendettas become political as Piltover and Zaun are pushed further and further into war. However, I really wanted to dive into Caitlyn’s use of it and why. The good intentions of the strike team to prevent a full-on invasion and dismantle shimmer are mixed in with the thick air of grief and guilt-poisoned vengeance. It’s devastating to watch, I think, as Caitlyn loses herself. But then, ‘Arcane’ is a tragedy.

If you’ve reached the end of this, thank you so much for reading. I realise it is really long. This is just my interpretation of things born out of a fascination with the layers and complexity in this show and is by no means intended to be definitive. I could have probably kept rewording and exploring more layers and parallels, but I have other things in my life lol.

But I will say, I think it’s easy to look at Caitlyn and decide that she represents all the wrongs Piltover has ever done to Zaun. But if Arcane is character driven, then it is worth considering how Caitlyn herself becomes trapped in a system far greater and far older than herself. This entrapment is certainly of her own making to an extent, although we see how the power structures in Piltover work to create demands and expectations (and add to that Ambessa’s presence… it’s a power battle), but what I’m trying to say is- we have characters who are agents through whom systems of power, etc. continue to function and whose legitimacy is either questioned or upheld, defied or manipulated. By act 3, we see our characters willing to defy these systems, to end cycles of violence and trust in ‘the promise of tomorrow.’

But in the smog of the conflict, everything seems grey.

#caitlyn kiramman #caitvi #arcane #arcane analysis #this is just my interpretation and i feel like there's so much more you could say other readings you could have #but i hope this was interesting to someone #it is so much more interesting to engage with the characters and why they do what they do than just... hating

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