#[[ Scary epiphanies. basically

[maestro-of-clockwork]

Owo!

Bween a while since I gwaced yowr pawor wit my adowable pwesence! I down't weally know what youwre up towo nowadaws, but I'm dwying to find out!

(back from the dead, back from irl crisis, and back on my bullshit! I missed writing owo (somewhat). hopefully someone can give me a catch-up on some recent events - and both I and owo are looking forward to whatever you're planning!)

Oh, I've been doing much of the same, but I've planned something MOST exciting this time! I'm so very happy you've returned at such an hour!

I am sure it will not disappoint you...

[writingmeraki]

ribs — a rafe cameron series.

i. and the ocean is still the same. disgustingly blue and terrifyingly deep.

❝ In which your cousin thought it was a great idea to basically deceive you and here you are, spending one month at Outer Banks. Perhaps, meeting new people could interest you more into the 'beach' lifestyle? Well then, only one way to find out.

pairing : richboy!rafe cameron x tourist/newbie!gn!reader, brief one-sided enemies to acquaintances to friends to lovers. genre : fluff, humour, angst, romance, friendship, coming of age, realisations and epiphanies, contemplations and questioning, summer seasonnn!! also ft. rest of the obx characters and ocs too! chapter warnings : cussing, nothing alarming in particular but lmk if i missed anything! not proofread. series inspo : ribs by lorde. | series playlist : here

w.c : 4.2k | NEXT

“Are you being serious right now?!” 

You turned to look at your cousin as you stepped out of the car, immediately regretting it the moment your feet dug deep into the hot sand. Hissing in annoyance at the feeling of sand between your toes, you glared at your now sheepish yet delighted cousin. 

 Joshua or as you preferred to call him Josh and sometimes Joshie, just to spite the hell out of him, rolled his eyes at your dramatic antics. 

“Oh come on, we got this one chance to spend a vacation finally out of our damned hometown, of course it should be a beachy one!”

“I’ll show you who the real bit-”

“Please, try to think of it!”

Sighing out, you shut the car door and leaned on it. The sun was blistering hot as you looked ahead. Goddamnit. You knew you should not have tried to get some shut eye in the car. Perhaps if you stayed awake then you’d know you were in fact, not heading towards the chilly mountains as you’d have thought you were and then you would have disagreed with Joshie and went by your own. 

But no, he just had to be the only person you happened to be great friends with throughout your life that stuck to you like he was somehow etched to your side by fate since you could speak.

Hearing movement, you saw him come and stand beside you, looking at you with that look. The one that would always manage to get something out of you exactly how he’d want.

“Come on! This is like the only summer ever that we’re getting this chance. Do you really want to spend summer,  a season meant for sunny beaches and the vibrant ocean, in the mountains?”

Scoffing at him, you clicked your tongue and spoke in a sharp tone, “You know damn well, how much I hate the beach! The ocean in itself! It’s all so…so cliche and honestly a little terrifying, the ocean is scary.” 

If someone else would have heard you, they would have probably mocked you, but Josh was the one who knew you, he knew everything and yet he went ahead and did this.

“Okay how about this, we make a deal?” You raised your eyebrows at him in question, wondering what sort of ideas must be running behind his cunning doe eyes. Doe eyes that seemed to always somehow make you do as he pleased if he just as much flashed them at you widely.

“One month here, in Kildare and the rest wherever you want, okay? Besides, I already rented us a villa with half of our allowance as deposit and uh…yeah it’d be a waste.” 

Face palming yourself, a groan slipped past your lips as you rubbed the bridge of your nose, “You-how-wow just wow. I am not sure whether to be even more pissed or honestly slightly impressed you planned this out so well.”

Looking up, you looked back at the view that raised up more emotions, falling more to the negative side than anything, and thought about it. 

It had been a while since you smelt that familiar signature aquatic scent, since you saw just how truly blue water could be, just how much the sand always seemed to find itself into each nook of your feet, making it impossible to remove it. 

It had been a while since…since everything.

Maybe this was another chance. 

“Fine. One month. I’m counting and by the end, we’re out.”

[ A few moments later ]

The villa turned out to be nothing like you’d expected.

In a way, it was way beyond your zero expectations and if you had any, it was also above that. Other than the fact it was nearer to the ocean than you’d have preferred, it was simply heaven on Earth. 

“You can take the bigger bedroom.”

“Yeah you don’t need to tell me that.”

Josh scoffed at you but smiled when he saw you looking around in amazement. He was glad you agreed more quickly to this than he thought you would have. He was worried you would have gone back home instead of even thinking of going somewhere else. 

Then again, you would have likely gone even here than be stuck in the summer back there.

“Are you sure this was like what, only half the money we have?” You touched the antique vase that laid in the middle of your bedroom hallway. It was a mix of indigo blue and white that made it look like those fancy artworks you’d seen in expensive stores.

“Yeah it was! But also, this is sort of a friend’s too.”

“You have friends? Well other than me of course.”

“I do and also fuck you.”

Grinning in victory, you tugged your luggage to the front of your new temporary bedroom.

“Well, I am sorry “Mr.I can’t socialize for the life of me” I didn’t exactly think you’d have such friends, not ones who owned such villas at least.”

“Technically, it’s not hers but her father’s. She sort of hooked me up with the discounted rent.” 

Opening the door to your bedroom, you wondered if your jaw could drop any lower as your eyes took in the closest you’d ever get to living in an actual bedroom straight out of a magazine room in front of you. Oh wait, you were going to live in this! Only for a month, but it counted!

The large bed in the middle had the prettiest shade of blue sheets, with the same on the curtains that covered a large window which looked out into the sea. There were even those cool sitting arrangements in the far left before the window, with the two white sofa chairs and marble table between with a golden showpiece on top. You thought those only existed in rich people’s life but this seemed like your life for once. 

“Her?” Your brain snapped back to your cousin’s voice as you threw your luggage, a little carelessly to the side, and turned towards him.

He looked at you weirdly as he stood at your door, and raised an eyebrow in question at your tone.

“Yeah ‘her’, her as in Sarah, Sarah Cameron.” You still looked at him skeptically and asked,

“Well this Sarah…she’s real right?” Your voice carried mockery and you tried not to laugh. Even more so at the offended look on his face.

“Yes! She’s real, I- I can’t believe you’d think I’m making someone up-”

“My bad dude, your rep isn’t exactly again, the socializing kind let alone the romantic kind-”

“Sarah is just a friend!”

Raising your hands in defense, you gave up, “Jeez alright, alright!” 

He didn’t believe your words, he knew you and knew you were still doubting him.

“And I know your ass still doesn’t believe me but tonight you can meet her, there’s this bonfire party thing by the beach she told me that’s like a basic norm here, she invited me.”

“Great, have fun then.”

“And you as well.”

Your attention had gone back to your suitcase as you laid it down and opened it to find clothes that would help you rot away for the rest of the day because you were already drained, but upon hearing Josh’s last words, your head snapped towards him again.

“Me? Oh, oh no no no, I can’t- I don’t have the energy to function let alone socialize like a proper human being for today.” 

It was serious for you, with the whole fiasco of finding out your entire trip was a sabotage to the way the smell of the sea didn’t seem to comfort you but make you want to throw up every few moments with the thoughts you were having, it was draining. 

“Listen, we’re staying here for practically a month, if we familiarize ourselves, at least we can make the best of it from people who live here!” 

Deadpanning him, you went through the options in your head. In the end even though it was beginning to feel like this trip was more fun for your cousin than you, you reluctantly agreed. 

“I didn’t even pack suitable clothing for this type of place, see this is why you should have just told me beforehand!” Resorting to arranging your clothes, you retorted in annoyance when you thought of how all you had were clothes meant for cold weather and barely anything loose meant for such places. 

“I’ll ask Sarah to lend you some after we meet her?”

“And are you sure this ‘friend’ of yours will agree?”

“She will, she’s pretty sweet you know, give her a chance.”

Eyeing the look he had on his face when he talked about his ‘friend’, you realized there was definitely more to it than he said, but you wouldn’t intrude more than needed.

Finally, you found some suitable-ish attire for the night, it was still a bit on the warmer side but you figured you’d just avoid going in the general area of the bonfire so as to not end up overheating. 

“Fine, we’ll see.”

[ time skip to the night ]

It was not like you had any expectations but certainly it wasn’t this. 

This bonfire party was more lively than you thought, everyone chatting around, drinking concerning levels of alcohol and overall having probably the greatest time that would become a core memory for their future selves. 

You on the other hand?

The moment you saw where it was situated, you just stayed just at the back, not even wanting to go near the fire nor the sea. 

However, at night, you will admit the sea looked different. The moonlight reflecting on parts of it made it seem like a black sky full of twinkling stars. It felt less…less scary to think of it like that. But you know it was an endless void that could quite literally suck you up, never to be found again. 

“Come on,there she is!” Josh waved over someone and your attention turned to her. 

Your jaw slightly dropped but you kept it cool even though you definitely had a look of disbelief.

Her blonde hair flowed freely from the slight breeze that passed by, and her eyes seemed to spark from the reflection of the fire. Her face itself seemed lit up and you could tell, it was just how she probably was. A bright person. She was simply put in one word,beautiful. 

“Since when the fuck did you have such pretty friends and why do I not know about it-”

“Shut up.”

You were whispering to Josh as you continued to look at her, her smile also seeming to put you in a trance. She finally stood in front of you, you noticed she was shorter than you both. 

“Hey! You made it!” You already knew her name, Sarah said enthusiastically as her eyes darted between you both. 

“We just came a while ago, and oh also-, Sarah this is my cousin Y/N, the one I told you about and Y/N, this is Sarah.”

You did not know what to say so you just muttered out, “Nice to meet you.” and awkwardly smiled with a small wave of your hand.

A wave?? Who the fuck waves???

Internally, you hated how your social side basically had decided to ditch you. Normally, you would be able to make conversation easily but it seemed that it malfunctioned when you were surrounded by pretty people.

Josh snorted at your behavior and raised an eyebrow at you while Sarah’s smile seemed to have gotten impossibly wider. You swore your heart skipped a beat. 

 “Nice to meet you too! Joshua’s told me a lot about you!” 

“Good things I’m assuming.” You finally spoke normally, your voice finding its way back to your mouth.

She laughed at that, and you really wondered if you could be almost smitten by someone in the first few minutes of meeting them but you felt a small smile tug up your lips. 

“My friends are just around here and also feel free to have anything! In fact, some of my friends are helping out with the drinks and stuff, I’ll take you there.” 

Before you could even give an answer she turned around and began to walk towards the main area. Joshua began to follow the same but you stayed glued to your spot, your gaze shifting to the bigger background. It wasn’t like you could avoid it forever anyway.

You nodded at him to continue as you slowly began to follow. 

Turns out, pretty people came along with even more pretty people. They were like a package it seemed. Because the rest of Sarah’s friends were on that scale. 

There was John B with his messy hair, sun-tanned skin and freckles that was the definition of the typical island boy. Then there was Kiara, who was just as pretty with her warm gaze and smile, her curls seeming to have a direction of their own as they moved around her face from the breeze. Then Pope, whose eyes seemed to scrutinize you and a jawline you could probably cut your finger on and the fact that he was smart too? Cherry on top. 

JJ Maybank. He was something alright. His demeanor in itself was laid back but he was just as mesmerizing. His blue eyes seemed bluer than the sky in the day and just as bright as the ocean at the same time. He made you even more nervous than you thought you could get. And he was just as charming, slipping in compliments that made your face even warmer than the alcohol was making you feel.

It seemed this island was where all unrealistically attractive people stayed. 

But all the socializing that you’d done was making you even more tired, plus the unhealthy amount of ‘punch’ you’d downed along with beer did not help. Your senses appeared to have heightened and everything was overwhelming, your tolerance for being close to the one thing you despised thinning. 

“I-I’m just gonna go there for sometime, I-i need to breathe a bit.” You pointed to Josh as you poked his side to a place you could that was further from the sea but had rocks you could sit on. It was a good distance. 

“You alright?” Another voice came from your side and you’d forgotten how JJ was sitting to your right. You nodded at him as you stood up.

“‘M good. Just- just need some air.” His blue eyes shone with concern. Even if he’d only met you a while ago, it was like you’d taken his attention from then. He couldn’t quite figure out why but hey maybe he’d find out eventually. 

He decided not to follow you, so as to not overstep any boundaries considering you’d just met. The rest of the group were talking around, while Joshua also nodded at you in understanding when you glanced at him.

Stepping away, you stretched your body a bit, not realizing you’d been sitting around for so long in the same place and just talking. It was indeed true that time passed by when you were lost in fun. 

As you walked away, you noticed a figure sitting there already, wondering how you didn’t see them before but probably due to the darkness and the distance, they weren’t visible. You paused in your steps, contemplating if it was a good idea to go there when it is clearly pre-occupied. 

In the end, you just shrugged and continued your way, figuring there was enough space for another. 

The sound of sand crunching beneath feet snapped Rafe out of his daze as it shifted from the scene in front of him to where the sound came from. 

You froze when his eyes landed on you. 

From the way the moonlight shone, he wasn’t very visible but it was enough to give you a glimpse of the person in front of you. And if you thought you couldn’t be more surprised at how attractive everyone around here seemed to be, well you were proven wrong.

He had a surreal beauty, with piercing eyes that seemed to captivate you. His hair fell effortlessly and just like the others, the breeze seemed to tousle it around and framed his face in a way that was both perfectly tousled and impossibly neat with strands framing his forehead.  His features were sculpted with an almost ethereal precision, being highlighted by the moonlight : high cheekbones, a strong, straight nose, and a jawline that looked like it was carved from marble. He was the kind of pretty that didn’t quite seem real, as if he’d stepped out of a painting.

Yet what interested you most was the emotions that shone in his eyes. He appeared to be more annoyed than surprised along with another one you couldn’t quite understand and you really wished you didn’t assume it was right to come there. 

“Uh…can I like, sit here, if you don’t mind…?” Asking it felt sort of stupid, wondering if you were really going to go ahead and annoy this pretty guy even more. And even though his face didn’t twist in anyway, his eyes told everything as if they couldn’t hide his true emotions. 

He contemplated. For one, he came to that place to distance himself from others, making sure to choose a spot no one would easily find him at because it was as though everyone just wanted his attention, his presence everywhere and it got too much. 

Then again, another part of him was curious. He didn’t think he’d ever seen you anywhere. And Rafe Cameron, for all of him, didn’t like not knowing. 

Nodding, he turned his head back to the scene in front of him as he folded his arms above his propped knees. You seemed skeptical, but again, just followed your instinct and thought what harm could possibly be done anyway. You just hoped he didn’t turn out to be some serial killer. Otherwise it was probably okay. 

Sitting with a good distance from him, you looked in front of you. It was a nice scene, the night ocean really did seem more…better. In the day, it was disgustingly blue and all the more made you truly think about how deep it was. Then your eyes wandered a bit to the boy beside you, his body language intriguing you, more specifically his gaze that made him seem blanked out.

“You look like you’re more miserable than I am, right now.” Sometimes, the filter you had on your mouth momentarily disappeared even more so when you’ve had a little more to consume than you can handle. 

Rafe’s attention shifted to you fully, even though he was paying attention to you from the corner of his eye. He frowned a bit at your words, brows in creasing as well. You thought about the hell someone could do that and still manage to look attractive. 

Scoffing as he registered your words, he muttered under his breath, “Of course, another annoyance.”

“Hey! I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything, ‘just-just trying to make small talk or something.”

“Well I don’t want small talk, I didn’t come here for that.”

His tone and words shut you right up. You blinked at him in disbelief, but realizing what exactly did you expect from a stranger, plus your words were very…something. His attention on you made you even more nervous, feeling warm even more than the alcohol and clothes made you feel. 

“...my bad. I didn’t mean to say that.” You apologized and looked away, deciding if he didn’t want to be bothered, you would not even look at his way. You turned around, away from him creating further a distance and now faced completely away.  

It was silly to feel hurt but then again, your usual emotions were completely botched by the liquor in your bloodstream. You would punch yourself in the morning when you realize the level of idiocy you had the previous night. 

It was idiotic of him to feel a tinge of guilt as he heard your words. For fuck’s sake he didn’t even know you, he wasn’t the sort to feel sorry for people he knew let alone a damn stranger. 

Sighing out, he spoke a little loudly over the sound of waves to make sure you’d hear, “I-well yeah I do feel miserable, you’re right about that.” 

His voice was clear, considering you weren’t too far. You thought over if you should even reply to him after his…rudeness but hey, what’s another possible bad decision added to the already questionable ones?

Looking at him, you scoffed, “I think that’s obvious.” 

The way you said it, almost made him feel less miserable than he was, his lip twitching as he turned his eyes from you. 

“Sooo…fight with your girlfriend?” You wanted to throw yourself in the ocean…you just met the guy and you’re already asking personal questions as if you were friends. This is why you need to talk with people more and improve your people-talking skills. You failed to notice the guy next to you looking at you in amusement as he finally let himself smile for a brief second.

Wincing, you choked out, “Yeah no. Uhm you-you don’t have to answer, I don’t know why I asked that, sorry I tend to not know what to say and when to say and just yeah I’ll uh- I’ll shut up now.”

When you suddenly heard the sound of a chuckle, your eyes widened when your gaze met the sight of where it came from, Rafe just shook his head and spoke with amusement, “I can tell you aren’t much of talker.”

You couldn’t even look offended when he said that because you knew it was right so you just shrugged and agreed, “I think now this is more obvious.”

When you heard him laugh a little at that, you couldn’t stop your own smile and the way your cheeks seemed to warm up. You were unsure if it was from what was in your system or was it him. You hoped it was the former because for everyone’s sake, you did not want to even go near what would imply otherwise.

“I’m Y/N.” Randomly saying it was awkward but it made you realize you didn't even know his name. So throwing out yours like this was the only way you hoped would get him to say his.

“Rafe, Rafe…Cameron.” You turned your head in knowing towards him, the name familiar to you.

“Wait Cameron as in Sarah Cameron right? Is she related to you? You couldn’t quite make out his expression but it was as if a thought hit him and it instantly fell down. Of course, you’d somehow know his sister.

“Yeah, she’s my sister…unfortunately.” The last word was more of a mumble and you couldn’t hear it but upon knowing she was his sister, you raised your eyebrows in wonder.

They definitely did look the part of being highly attractive.

“Well it was nice to meet you Rafe, but I think I should call it a night before I eventually embarrass myself even more by passing out here.”

For Rafe, it had been a while since he’d heard someone feel nice to meet him, even though he knew you were a little out of it, he couldn’t help but let the smile on his face fully show.

Maybe he could forget why he came there in the first place for the brief moment, even if he’d have to face it soon enough.

“Are you sure you can handle yourself?”

“Pfft, you don’t know me Rafe, I’m perfectly capable of handling myself-”

With those famous last words, you stumbled as you stood up, nearly falling over because you forgot you have to balance your weight on both legs.

Following a concerned and amused look from him that you chose to ignore, also ignoring the fact that he now stood up and was closer, making you realise just how much taller he actually was compared to you, you cleared your throat as you finally stood straight.

“See, I’m good.” Your smile was wobbly and your eyes even more glossy, which only made you appear more sincere. It should not have affected him the way it did as his gaze met your own. 

And when he was closer than before, you could see the colour of them, bluer than you ever could imagine. Maybe even more than the very ocean you despised, yet somehow you could not manage to find that same distaste with his eyes. They were dreamy. 

Or it was just the beer, definitely the beer. You convinced yourself.

“Night. Rafe. Don’t be…miserable alone out here. You should head home soon.”

You miss the way he shook his head at you as you turned around and began walking back to the group. 

It wasn’t often that there was someone intriguing to catch his attention right from the beginning, so to say the least, Rafe Cameron was more than intrigued. 

And you for the hate of all things marine, could not get his deeper than the ocean blue eyes out of your mind. 

Perhaps, a second meeting would set you right.

a/n : well this is finally out!! i want to start of by saying i have been putting this aside for way too long and i still do feel like this could have been better but again it's an intro, so hopefully it makes sense. and yes reader's hate for the ocean is sorta...self indulgent i suppose. i mean i'm more terrified than disgusted but anyways, i hope you aren't sick of all the ocean/beach/marine etc references ahaha and do let me know if you wanna be tagged for other parts? i'll be uploading them soon as i'm motivated to write for this atm :)

well as images and edits (unless credited) belong to pri. do not plagiarise, repost, re-edit or claim as yours. pics mostly found on pinterest.

writingmeraki Ⓒ 2024

feedback is always appreciated 💌 ! links : main navi ! | obx masterlist | info !

[arisuworld]

THE VOID STATE : AN EPIPHANY

* ˚ ✰ — WHAT IS THE VOID STATE?

The void state is the state of pure consciousness. It is commonly referred to as the 'I AM' state in Neville Goddard’s work. "I am state" is a state in which you are a formless being. Time stops, and there's nothing but blackness around you. When you're in the void state, you're in a state of pure consciousness. You aren't in your body anymore. You're shapeless. Also, it's not scary at all. Instead it's very peaceful.

* ˚ ✰ — HOW TO ENTER THE VOID STATE?

Your faith is your fortune chapter 3: To accomplish this seemingly impossible feat, you take your attention away from your problem and place it upon just being. You say silently but feelingly, “I AM”. Do not condition this awareness but continue declaring quietly, “I AM – I AM”. Simply feel that you are faceless and formless and continue doing so until you feel yourself floating. This wonderful experience of rising and floating is the signal that you are absent from the body or problem and are now present with the lord; in this expanded state you are not conscious of anything but I AM — I AM; you are only conscious of being.

STEP TO STEP :-

1. Find a comfortable position.

2. Relax by taking deep breaths. You can also do any breathing techniques you like.

3. Take you attention away from the 3D and just focus on affirming “I AM” or “I AM PURE CONSCIOUSNESS” or “I AM IN THE VOID STATE.”

4. Persist till you experience floating feeling and the 3D fades away.

* ˚ ✰ — DIFFERENT METHODS TO ENTER THE VOID STATE

1. ' THE LULLABY METHOD '

Firstly, get into a drowsy, sleepy state. Not too awake, but not too sleepy. Like, when you can open your eyes but you don't want to. Then, affirm for your desires until you completely fall asleep, with your desires being the only thing on your mind.

2. ' SLEEP PARALYSIS '

Sleep paralysis is a quick and easy way to enter the void state. Sleep paralysis means when you cannot move your body AT ALL.

Don't worry, sleep paralysis is not scary at all. You won't see anything scary, untill you start thinking about something scary. Also, it's just hallucinations, nothing can you harm you. Always, remember you are in FULL control. You chose to give yourself sleep paralysis, and you can also come out of it if you want to! To get out of the sleep paralysis, simply wiggle your toes.

• Get into a comfortable position, and wait for your body to fall asleep, while keeping your mind awake. Do this by staying completely still and thinking of random things or counting numbers or daydreaming to keep your mind awake. Eventually, you will convince your body it is asleep.

Here are some ways to induce sleep paralysis:-

• You can listen to a guided meditation to induce sleep paralysis.

• You can listen to a subliminal.

• Affirm "i have sleep paralysis" in a drowsy state, and you'll wake up with it (basically, the lullaby method)

• Simply set the intention that you'll get sleep paralysis.

3. ' COMMANDING YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS TO WAKE UP IN THE VOID STATE ’

You can command your subconscious to get in the void by simply stating “subconscious get me in the void quickly and easily” in a drowsy state. For this method to successfully work, stop knowledging the 3D. Stay committed to your subconscious, it only does what you say.

4. ' LUCID DREAMING '

Lucid dreaming is when a person becomes aware they're dreaming while dreaming. You can easily lucid dream by setting an intention. Set an intention and say to yourself that "tonight I will lucid dream". You can say it once or chant it like a mantra till you fall asleep.

Then when you realise you're dreaming, you can either create a portal with the intention of entering the void or ask someone to take you to the void.

5. ' YOGA NIDRA '

"Yoga Nidra means Yogic Sleep. It is a state of conscious Deep Sleep. In Meditation, you remain in the Waking state of consciousness, and gently focus the mind, while allowing thought patterns, emotions, sensations, and images to arise and go on. However, in Yoga Nidra, you leave the Waking state, go past the Dreaming state, and go to Deep Sleep, yet remain awake."

You can use a Guided Meditation that I linked here. After using the video, Start focusing on your Affirmations. You can say "I am void", "I am" , "I am in the void", and try to ignore all the symptoms and persist through them. Then within minutes you will be in the void state.

— HOW DO I KNOW I'M IN THE VOID?

YOU'LL KNOW YOU'RE IN THE VOID WHEN:

• You are not in your room anymore

• It's pitch black

• You get your desires the second you exit the void.

• The outer world no longer exists. You can’t hear, see, touch, feel, taste anything.

WHY YOU FAIL TO ENTER THE VOID :—

• LACK OF PERSISTENCE : Just because you failed to enter the void state twice or thrice, doesn't automatically declares that void isn't real or that you can't do it. That's silly asf. It's like you're sabotaging your dream life yourself. Also, stop counting how many times you've failed and from how many months you've been trying. Don’t measure your experience with time. You control everything so even the time you take to enter the void is based on your assumptions.

• ASSUMPTIONS : Stop thinking that void is this magical place which will grant your wishes. You're assuming it to be something out of you, when it's WITHIN YOU. Also, entering void is not hard at all. Why would it be hard to reach something which is within you? It will be hard, if you think so. Just start creating assumptions in your favour. Start thinking like you would if you were a master at void. It's just LOA 101. Use it in your favour!!

• OVERCOMPLICATE : I've seen everyone overcomplicate the void state. The void state is simple and easy. All you need to do is relax & affirm. You don’t need any subliminals, meditation or special hypnosis to get you there. The void isn’t an external state. It’s internal. It’s within you. The methods or techniques don’t get you into the void, you do!! You shouldn't be looking for new methods all the time, instead start working on your self concept. It will change everything, i promise you that.

[bright-eyed]

every few months I have this epiphany that I should get a masters in ecology and become a national geographic explorer like I wanted to do when I was a kid. But then I spend months after talking myself out of it/telling myself to do something more achievable, and then I end up not really doing anything at all except working the same two jobs barely scraping past the poverty line being listless and miserable. There has to be a happy medium between childhood escapist fantasy and kafkaesque nightmare reality but I’m worried that the happy medium is basically like, I should try harder to make small achievable steps towards a life I don’t hate. Which is boring and scary. I need everything to fall into place magically because if it’s up to me to make my life better then I’ll just mess it up somehow

[yuukei-yikes]

is it ever explained anywhere in the kagepro media what is Haruka's condition? tried to look into the kagepro fanwiki what it was but it just says "[...] implied to be cardiovascular". You got any clue?

SORRY FOR THE SUPER LATE ANSWER i have been Crazy busy and Crazy going through it. hope it's still helpful!

anyway!!! neither haruka or takane's conditions are outright stated, and are only mentioned as a heart disease and a sleeping disorder. even haruka and takane themselves don't know much about each other's diagnosis, and seem to know the basics of it. i always liked this detail because it's like they didn't want to ask each other too much about it, since they know what it's like to be constantly interrogated about it.

yaaay ill talk about takane even if u didnt ask but i promise its to make a point

with takane, the general consensus is that she's got specifically narcolepsy, because her symptoms are described with enough details that narrow it down to what it could be. she randomly falls asleep, and is extremely tired/sleepy all the time. when she dies... supposedly kenjirou had... poisoned her? but that's not stated anywhere im pretty sure it was just a popular headcanon (im so lazy to go check gang sorry. but i am pretty sure it's not mentioned also when tf would he have done that) however takane was extremely accelerated from running and her epiphany, and as soon as she falls she says "no way im having an episode rn" like she immediately knew what was happening, so it seems like cataplexy is also something she experiences. basically narcolepsy is... like spot on described and shown.

instead, for haruka its much less clear. like you said, he's only described to have a heart disease that's very serious and sends him into cardiac arrest erm kind of often, and it's also genetic because his mom had it and died from it. that's... it! there's never been popular headcanons on what it could be. unlike a sleeping disorder, a heart disease can be caused by a million different things and still have the same result (heart attacks). meanwhile sleeping disorders are a little bit more specific so takane's is easier to deduce.

haruka's illness could be many things, but my personal headcanon has always been arrhythmia. to be honest i decided on this hc as a teen bc it was the only heart disease i knew at the time so i kinda ran with it LOL but ive done some more reading later on (not extensive studies of it... just random google searches) and ive still landed on arrhythmia being my headcanon because it's also genetic, and there are different types of arrythmia, some being really really scary... not that arrhythmia in itself isnt scary tbh. its the irregular beating of the heart, so a heart attack can literally happen any moment!! scary as hell. but that's also why i think it's fitting, like even a sneeze could make haruka jumpcut scene to an ambulance.

these are some old hcs of mine but a more recent one is haruka getting treatments and surgeries post str. despite awakening eyes keeps haruka alive, it doesn't Cure him, but makes him strong enough to stand these treatments he wasnt suitable for before, increasing his lifespan. so even if awakening eyes doesnt cure him, it definitely helps him live.

so post str haruka is still very much a regular patient to the hospital and both him and takane continue to be medicated for life

[morally-earl-gray]

✨crisis time✨ pt. 4

so um. i have no idea whats going on with me. BEAR WITH ME, this is gonna be my last rant for the next little while (unless something completely fucked up happens, yk)

im having doubts about my sexuality again. i came out as aroace (only to one irl person, but i also started posting on this blog) a few weeks ago, and its been pretty good since then. BUT i just remembered something that made me question EVERYTHING

when i was in elementary/middle school, i had no crushes whatsoever. nothing. i didnt know about asexuality and aromantism back then, so i just assumed that i would find someone eventually, or that i was just a late bloomer. my friends and i never talked about crushes (i didnt know it at the time but half of them are gay), and it never crossed my mind that i might be queer because i had never really stopped to think about it.

when i was ~12, i heard the term "asexual" for the first time. it crossed my mind that that could be me, but i didnt think about it much because i didnt really think it was important, and i was still holding out for The Feelings to kick in

PLOT TWIST:

i almost forgot about this until now, but im pretty sure i was lesbian?? (CONFESSION TIME: ive never admitted this to anyone for a lot of reasons, so this is very scary for me) when i was 14-15, i got a crush on this girl. i had known her for my entire life and had never had feelings like that before (for her or for anyone). it was weird and i never told her or anyone else ofc, because my family is homophobic and shes straight (probably). we started high school and the feelings kinda started to fade ig? occasionally something would happen and The Feeling would return, but by the next spring, i had zero feelings for her.

now i know what this sounds like: doesnt this mean im demiromantic? that would make sense, right? and thats what i thought, too.

but then i remembered something else:

for kinda that whole year (when i was 15), i was like 96% sure i was lesbian. there were other girls i occasionally thought about, and i barely knew them but i think it was a crush?? additionally, whenever i met a girl my age i would get silly thoughts like "maybe shes gay" or "maybe she'll be The One I Get Feelings For" and basically i knew i was lesbian.

but now i dont feel anything, not even for girls. im now 96% certain that i am aroace, but whenever i remember being 15 i get really confused. and its not in a "i told myself i had crushes on girls because i wasnt interested in guys so i must be lesbian and didnt realize i was actually aro" way. im pretty sure that was LEGIT

i had a moment of epiphany when i realized that i was aroace, and i was VERY MUCH CERTAIN of the fact. but i dont doubt that i was lesbian.

i have no idea if this is a thing that can happen, but i think my sexuality changed?? all i know is that i used to like girls but now i dont have feelings for anyone. theres a chance that im just demiromantic, but for some reason i dont think so??

anyways, if anyone has any advice, it would be much appreciated

[katyspersonal]

*voice of a guy who fails to be on hiatus even if he needs one* Hey, actually recently a topic of difficulty in Soulsborne games came up for me o: And I even had the pleasure of disagreeing with a person who was mature about their point of view! I just thought I'd make my own post, and for starters I want to link a video that lines up with my opinion on the matter very well too!

Despite what it might look like, I do not dwell on this guy's channel, but exclusively see his videos on Fromsoft's games x)

But personally, I agree with the notion that character's difficulty IS part of their lore too! That epiphany mostly came when I took over 70 attempts to defeat Malenia, who, I remind, "has never known defeat", so her being so hard at her lowest as she is falling apart was... very telling. There is a difference between just hearing the person is strong and feeling it yourself when they beat your ass, and I think this experience is a good thing to have!

There is also a selfish and possibly petty reason I have that is better described as "gatekeeping the normies". From my experience, most people who are upset at how hard these games are not genuinely invested fans that just don't vibe with having to die 600 times to learn more interesting lore but casual people who want to, as they call it, "consume currently popular media" to be able to create "relevant content" 🤦‍♂️ Wanting to be in the loop is just not what genuine investment and caring is about.

Miyazaki stated they were not adding difficulty levels because they wanted to present the challenge everyone would overcome in the style that fit them individually as a player! It feels like he is an indie dev without being an indie dev for me; caring not about attracting more players, but about giving experience he WANTS to give! Personally, it is exactly what I want from any creator - to be unapologetically themselves rather than trying to be convenient for more people! Some games are just not for everyone, and it is okay! Thing for everyone is a thing for no one, in the long run. Heck, I am so horrible at playing From's games that even my friends would laugh at me if they saw me streaming :/ What fits me as a player is to show resolve grinding stats (I listen to podcasts meanwhile xD), or coming up with absolutely insane strategies no normal person would come up with fshfhsd

At the same time, there is a large community of gamer dudes who not only defends absence of easy mode in these games more than I do, but also insist on creating artificial difficulty and will mock a fellow gamer for like using Mimic Tear or Comet Azur ffs. I do not go there, but people who built their self-worth on overcoming this challenge and thus feel personally attacked if someone plays the game with "imbalanced" weapons/builds, or, heck, creates and uses photo and deaggro mods. You can probably see from my posts that for me this sort of people is nearly like just a scary legend, when for others it is the reality they delve into and that ruins THEIR fandom experience.. so I suppose I don't miss much not touching Reddit and Youtube in 99% of the time 🤦‍♂️ But I think that gamer bros would ALWAYS find a way to be toxic. Had Fromsoft's games HAD an easy mode, they'd still play them and find another stupid way to gatekeep, difficulty is just currently available tool for it! As usual I think the problem is not on the developer, but on the community that twists what this developer did into something awful

I guess my stance basically goes 'creators should not change their philosophy because that's what creating should be, but the community that thrives on artificial difficulty and "correct" ways to play is bad and should be discouraged from this behaviour'

[fridaywormteeth]

plot bunny Modern AU where jin ling invites the juniors home and they’re all scared to meet his terrifying uncle. Surprisingly, said uncle also has people over

“I’m friends with jiang cheng”

“impossible, jiujiu doesn’t have friends”

turns out it’s nhs, jiujiu’s old friend from school, and wwx, (one of) jin ling’s estranged uncle(s). And basically they both see how nervous the other juniors are and are just like “??? It’s just Jiang cheng??” So to lighten the mood they start to tell increasingly ridiculous and embarrassing (and true) stories about what they and Jiang cheng used to get up to in school. Story by story Jiang cheng’s scary image starts to crack and eventually just falls of completely when he starts to retaliate by telling of how embarrassing wwx and lwj used to be about each other and how “obvious” it was that they both liked each other and still do. At this point wwx has an epiphany and panics to find some portable speakers so that he can go recreate the Say Anything boombox scene with wuji.mp3. Ozz and jingyi get really into the “go to him”-mood.

more stories are told and somehow it ends with sangcheng, lingyi, and wangxian happening + they’re now Officially Jiujiu Approved friends and everyone’s happy. The juniors are welcome over anytime they like and everyone’s gained new friends by the end of the evening

anyways the fic would be called (Tales of) Jiujiu’s Bizarre Adventures

[dandelionh3art]

The current wave of criminalization of thought and expression on behalf of a genocide made me recollect the greatest WTF moment I had in all these months.

It was last November in Oakland. I was visiting a friend of a friend who lived in one the poshest in Alameda, which is separate from Oakland municipally, but connected in any other way.

I was craving Mexican food so I looked on Google Maps for a nearby recommended spot. I found one about 2.5 kilometers (or so) from the address I was visiting, so I decided to walk there (walking is my absolute favorite activity in new places: this is the way to be immersed in a place).

The friend of a friend was visibly surprised when I told him where I was going to get Mexican food; I asked why and he said it was a very non-white part of Oakland.

Being not very white in appearance myself, I didn't particularly mind. If you grew up almost anywhere else than the US, you have no idea how racialized and segregated the landscape is.

So I started walking, and after about 10 minutes the surroundings began to change dramatically. Posh expensive homes, nice paved roads and sidewalks, and expensive cars quickly gave way to graffiti, broken asphalt, and old pickup trucks.

But I persisted, though the scene became visibly less and less friendly and welcoming.

When I was some hundred meters from the Mexican food spot, things looked so broken and alien, with abandoned cars and barred-down stores I started feeling a little uneasy. But I had to see that place, and I was so hungry.

I couldn't find the entrance to the restaurant at first: it was almost hidden. You had to go to the next plot, a carwash if I remember correctly, and then go in from the side.

Walking in, it was really it was like stepping into Mexico. No one spoke English. I was addressed in Spanish, and as far as I could tell, I was the only non-Mexican customer present.

I kind of liked that. I was clearly in the midst of simple people, poor working class (workers from the nearby carwash were having lunch), and just poor.

-

As I had been a couple of weeks in Oakland already, and met some lovely people there but also saw some of its homelessness, substance abuse, and poverty, it was a moment of me trying to make sense of what I was seeing and experiencing.

The segregation in class and race divisions in America took me by surprise. I had never seen such wealth and such destitution brushing against each other but never mingling, as I have seen in Oakland (and San Francisco).

I was a war refugee, basically, getting to grips with the unthinkable gap between what the US was spending on war in the Middle East and the way the poor people and poor neighborhoods and streets in America look like. I had never seen such gaps, or such extreme poverty in Israel. I had never seen people living under bridges in tents and abandoned caravans that smelled so terrible of burning substances I could feel the taste of it in my throat. I walked under there, too, and it was sadder than I can describe.

And as I was sitting in that Mexican restaurant, I raised my head from my food and saw this sign right across from me.

-

I was among people who could hardly afford living at all, many of whom didn't speak English. Their streets and neighborhoods were broken and downright scary (how abandoned they must feel, in that country of unimaginable wealth).

And right there, in front of their faces, someone had enough money and delusion to plant that sign, warning them of Hamas.

At that moment, after overcoming the initial daze and disbelief, so many things connected for me, it felt like a personal epiphany. Alon Mizrahi

[oriley42]

Ahhh I just finished The Marrying Kind and it's amazing!!! I have many questions about missing scenes or alternate paths but I'll keep it to one question first: what would have happened do you think, if Julie hadn't been at Cuddy and Stacy's wedding when Wilson had his epiphany?

hello anon, thank you so much!

ho ho ho, let's see... well, my first thought is also House's first thought, which is that after the tarantula clean-up, he would've snatched Wilson up to go make out in the bathroom (*cue Cuddy coming through the door with an axe, The Shining style*) EXCEPT that House may not have felt confident making himself vulnerable (re: having evidence of Feelings) by making a move, and Wilson may have been too shaky (re: recent revelations of love) to make a move of his own. Without the mix of both time and abruptness (Wilson needs time to think things through, House needs things to happen fast before he can overthink them), they definitely wouldn't have got to ~marriage~ any time soon in this universe, I don't think.

In which case, Wilson might have gone home to work through his revelation/his divorce/the relationship between his revelation and his divorce, while House would probably default to his classic of waiting until Wilson was sad and desperate enough to show up like a whimpering puppy on his doorstep. I think House would have been very pleased by the symmetry of getting Wilson post-Sam and post-Bonnie, and the evidence that Wilson would Always Come Back to him, but it also would have put their relationship back in the place of almost-maybe-sort-of-cheating (depending on Wilson's separation status) which def makes him feel unhappy and second-place.

And Wilson...whew, that guy. I think soooo often of kingfag's post and agree entirely, which means the question becomes: is Wilson in his "grimly aware" of House-feelings phase or has he managed to sneak back into repression mode, in this case, all wrapped up in being a Twice Divorced Man? The latter case would be a bummer, but also might give them both time to actually...just hang out. Maybe try the living together thing again for a while. Basically be dating ("we're not dating, we're not high schoolers, fuck off. Also, pass the popcorn and hold my hand, this is the scary part of the movie.") while not *actually* dating (Schrödinger's fuckbuddy may be the technical term). Whereas if Wilson has actually processed his 'oh fuck I'm in love-love with House' epiphany, then he might start trying to Make House Also Acknowledge Feelings, which could go very badly. House might kick and try to run (hard to do from his own apartment), but especially if Wilson had laid some ground work/gotten Stacy to do a little feeling out of the terrain for him, maybe he could have the Feelings and Commitment conversation without having to handcuff House to the radiator.

But cuffing House to the radiator would certainly be more fun ;)

[geometricalien]

Just curious, what are your thoughts on the A/B/O AU?

I have many thoughts on ABO in general.

Most of it boils down to a strong dislike for the over feminization of characters in the omega role - this includes but is not limited to calling them wife/mother - and the prevailing trope of "our biology/pheromones/heat/rut made us do it" which is seen most often in manhwa rather than fanfic. This trope is often followed with "oops we have a baby now" and that isn't a plot that is appealing to me.

Another thing that icks me is when they call each other alpha or omega, it feels too biological to me. With ONE exception, there is a really good akafuri abo fic that superbly implies a deeper meaning in the title omega and alpha that is similar to spouse, partner, and (forgive me for the star trek reference) thyla. It gave me an epiphany on ABO.

But I'm fascinated by stories that take these second gender roles and stereotypes and play with them, like, "omegas are small and soft and I'm huge and scary looking", similarly "im nothing like how alphas are supposed to be", "fuck you, I'm an omega and I'll kick your ass- I don't need any fucking scent blockers", alpha/alpha, omega/omega, or instead of an alpha-centric world, omegas are on top of the hierarchy. Basically anything that twists the ABO society.

I like the flavor text of ABO AUs. Things like scenting, bite marks, mating, true mates, feeling your mate in distress, the courting rituals, smell descriptions (especially if they fit, Hinata from hq will always smell like oranges and honey to me), the intimacy of creating a family- a pack, god packs- it shouldn't be overly dramatic but the sense of unity in a team better be stronger, more tangible in an ABO AU.

Depending on the characters if they don't already have possessive/aggressive or submissive tendencies it can be a bit OOC. AND THIS IS WHY I LOVE AKAFURI ABO (as long as my caveats are held, don't call Furihata wife/mother or die by my sword) THEY JUST FIT. Name a more alpha character from knb than Akashi- I'll wait. Furihata (especially in his chihuahua dimension) is a textbook omega.

[girltomboy]

On the other hand, I've had some epiphanies about my work friend, and they all basically lead to the conclusion that I cannot trust her. The first one was this call she got recently for a job interview. I was like "when did you apply to them?" and she said they either called her about an old application, or they had her info from LinkedIn. Pushing all that aside (LinkedIn 🤢🤢🤢) I just stopped questioning it. Then last weekend I was at her place and someone was asking her for really scary horror movie recs. I said "How about The Medium?" - a while ago she told me she'd seen that movie and loved it. But she just responded "I haven't watched it". I was too invested in the recommendation hunt to point it out, but I noticed this thing about her A LOT, from very early on in our friendship. She'll just lie about knowing or liking something in order to appeal to the person she's talking to. The first few times it happened I was honestly hesitant to confront her, because I was genuinely questioning my memory. But these instances are piling up. Last night we were on our daily hour-long walk while talking on the phone, and she once again mentioned something about a job call she got? Mind you, we both agreed on staying at this company until a final decision is made regarding its fate. We literally talked about applying to the same jobs, or at least talking beforehand. Am I stupid for believing her? It's not like I want to leave or apply to other jobs and am bound by our oath, or whatever, it's just the principle of saying something and then doing the complete opposite. Like am I naive? Autistic? Am I too neurotic about the things that people say, is it foolish to believe someone actually means what they say? Do I just not understand Libra placements and their line of thinking? I'm lost lol I want to confront her but not over the phone during our walk or when I visit her, I'll probably do it if we go out this Thursday.

[tempestmothstorm]

"I think I would have just deleted myself if you didn't show up."

Yeah this is just straight up canon. But i have more thoughts though. So.

Like if you look into her dialogue is like abundantly clear that she’s just suicidal. It’s different from someone like Sayori who’s actively suicidal because she feels she is worse than everyone else, or Yuri who I don’t know is suicidal but has self harming tendencies she takes too far in act 2, or Natsuki who isn’t at all and is like “wtf are you guys ok”. The answer is no btw.

Monika’s whole outlook on it is that she has a lot of passive suicidal ideation that she pushes aside because she has to be the best. Her issue isn’t centered around her specifically being bad but instead a feeling of pointlessness with existing and the fact that the act existing itself puts burden on the world.

She’s also the type to make jokes about it, which I think is telling about her attitude about death, especially when compared to the others where the idea of dying is still terrifying and scary and something to hide. Meanwhile Monika acts casually as if people’s lives actually don’t matter. We all know her “left her hanging joke” and her general nonchalance with the other girls’ deaths, but the secret poem “A Joke” is probably written by Monika too, and the punchline is another reference to sayori’s death. The special poem about cutting is also by Monika, which shows that she would self harm if it weren’t for her needing to be the ‘responsible one’, and that she’d only do it again if she killed herself. She writes it as if it was a quirky relatable diary entry and not something deeply concerning, which in of itself is also deeply concerning.

There’s also the iiiiiiiiiiii.txt file that has her say that it would be “really easy to kill (herself) right now”. Reasonably the easiest way to do it would be to delete herself. While her constantly reminding the player how easy it would be to delete her is supposed to be a hint on what to do next, it does say something about her when she constantly fixates on it, almost as if she’d thought about it. Like a lot. She thinks about suicide and mental illness just as much too. Also a lot. And existential philosophy a lot. And death too. Again. A lot.

Her friends aside, she clearly just thinks about these things on her own, which implies some real bad things about her mental health considering literally everything else we know about her. Like it’s pretty obvious she’s not ok base game. And yet she doesn’t go through, in fact actively avoiding getting deleted because she still wants to see you. Because you are her only hope.

While her attachment to the player has like a dozen factors influencing it, I think a lot of it is also connected to her more suicidal ideas. She does emphasize that you “saved her” a lot in act 3 and while it mean saving her from her reality, knowing some of the other talks, it also could have saved her from giving up entirely.

Not to get too repetitive about how her life sucks, but like she really has no reason to exist in her eyes post epiphany. Nothing outside the literature club exists, there’s no past or future, everything is fake and has no consequence on the real world, and worst of all she’s completely alone with whatever connections she could have being fake. I think this one quote from her “introverts” talk basically sums up her situation:

"You know, I really do think you literally saved my life by being here with me, [player]."

"I can't imagine having been able to keep myself mentally stable, knowing that nothing here is real."

"I think I would have just deleted myself if you didn't show up."

"Sorry, i don't mean to sound dramatic or anything."

"Ahaha!"

"But I'm sure you understand yourself after spending so much time in the club."

"I mean, if you were forced to abandon everything in your life and spend your eternity with a few game characters..."

"...You'd probably find some way of killing yourself, wouldn't you?"

But yeah something something the connections you have with others gives life meaning and when the relationships she did have turned out to be false, she reached out to you, whose love could be real and whose existence as a real person is the only thing that could give her life meaning.

Another Monika talk that’s relevant would be the “No reason to be alive” talk. I’m not posting the entire thing here because it’s too long but the entire thing is pretty relevant. In it she talks about how living is pointless because you probably aren’t special and your existence alone takes up dozens of resources that isn’t worth wasting.

This highlights two factors that I think influence her thought process. One is that she feels like existence is worthless and likely won’t affect society at large, and with the whole being a video game thing the connection is obvious. The other is that she worries about how much of a burden she is on society. She wants to earn her right to exist in this world. When her reality doesn’t exist, this specific framework doesn’t seem that relevant, but when it comes to being a burden to others this ends up becoming a lot more alarming (and also creates another Sayori parallel yayyyyyyy)

Notably she mentions the key to happiness is to live selfishly and just look out for yourself and your friends. This can’t really apply in her own reality when she can’t see her friends as sentient, but when it comes to you, she can deliver just fine. She says she want to “live (her) life desperately striving to pay back (her) lifetime's worth of consumption” and with her own reality being pointless, paying back the people around her (you) is the next best thing.

But what if she failed to

"Of course, even if I fail to do that..."

"I think I would be too selfish to kill myself anyway."

"So much for being a good person, right?"

Sure thing buddy.

Another thing i want to mention is that it’s implied that these thoughts aren’t new. Like with some of these talks it’s ambiguous whether these ideas came pre or post epiphany. With her whole nihilistic thinking in base game contrasting side stories, it wouldn’t be that surprising if her thoughts got a whole lot more cynical over time. But she does seem to talk as if she’s thought about them for a while, while the epiphany was apparently recent in her memory.

For example in the “Dying” talk:

“It's something I used to think about pretty often..."

And in the “No reason to be alive” talk

"But the older I get, the more I realize that it's an immature frame of thinking."

Uh yeah these ideas aren’t new.

Of course it was probably taken to an extreme post epiphany and thinking about existential topics is normal. By itself it’s probably not some secret sign of mental illness, or at least not anything severe. (Sure she talks about a lot of stuff like mental health issues but it doesn’t really reflect on her, it just shows she can understand others perspective. Like she can talk about the introvert experience without being an introvert. Idk she’s just very empathetic and reflects a lot on the world. Makes her epiphany a lot more ironic though. So.)

But her post epiphany persona was very much built on preexisting ideas she had before that. It might not be that serious, but the fact that it’s there at all is concerning knowing what we do. The implications that come if this is all true is facilitating tbh and it honestly makes the side stories more interesting too. Like her whole “i have to be the best” attitude is probably connected to all her worries about being a burden or worthless.

And her whole thing in trust becomes a lot more layered too. The standard she holds for herself are not carried over to Sayori, who she sees as deserving of life just by being herself. She doesn’t want to be a burden or distract from Sayori’s problems, because her own true self isn’t good enough. Sayori is reassured that her existence is valuable and that she isn’t being a burden, something that goes against Monika’s entire act 3 talk yet is some she believes wholeheartedly.

This is also contrasted by base game where she straight up jokes about her death because death barely matters to her either. In base game, Sayori doesn’t matter, she isn’t special or even sentient, just a pile of code that gets in the way of Monika’s plans to reach the player. In base game Sayori is worthless and a burden, where Monika’s worldview has extended to everyone else. Yet in side stories she doesn’t think that, her standards only applies to herself because she loves her friends, they are what give her life meaning. Of course they deserve to live. They don’t need to prove their worth.

She’s a hypocrite because she values her friends more than anything. Again, the Sayori parallels are obvious from this angle, she has these exact same thoughts, with the only difference being that base game Monika projects her fears of worthlessness onto everything else while sides stories has her a lot more similar to Sayori.

Now the difference between side stories Monika and base game is really just how far their ideals reach, because normally Monika is like ok mentally , while in base game she’s suicidal along with everything else. Forget her saying she’s too selfish to do it cause it’s heavily implied she does do it in other universes.

Speaking of which I never hear people mention the MES emails in this cause a singular line puts into perspective how influential the player’s presence is on Monika and just how bad her mental health is. She is the MES’ guinea pig that everyone wants to see suffer (actually I don’t know how common knowledge this is I just got here and mostly stick to tumblr so idk)

So with the Side Stories MES email i think with all the lore drops we sorta forgot some of the more self explanatory info, including the fact that they have multiple VMs of ddlc and that there were “3 or 4 of them created and then destroyed by Monika”

While most people conclude this is just a reference to base game i think a lot of people dismiss that fact that these aren’t the game VMs, these VMs have no access to a player. Yknow. The player she relies on that supposedly saved her life.

Yeah i think she just deletes everything including her in apparently 4 separate universes. She kills her self in 4 universes.

She deletes everything in act 3 too but specifically because they get in her way between you, and the only reason she doesn’t delete herself there is that she still wants to see you. When the idea of reaching you is crushed, she gives in. By act 4 she ends up like all the other VMs, deleting everything knowing she can’t have you, can’t have reality. I mean the only thing keeping her going is the dream of reaching reality and finding real connections to people, and the idea that her existence will forever be meaningless probably pushed her to the extreme.

The player is the only real person who can give her life meaning and value, and in a world where the rest are seemingly fake, you’re also the only human connection she has. Again, the things that keep her going is her life being valuable in some way and the people around her. Post epiphany she only has you to care for with everyone else being thrown to the wayside without consideration of their own wellbeing.

So of course in act 4, where her connect to you is severed and she is suddenly aware of the harm she’s caused, she’s the lowest she’s ever been. Her reason for living is to be there for her friends and somehow pay back reality for how much she’s taken. And yet she let her friends die and let herself use them for her own selfish gain. She failed them, and has therefore become someone she see as not deserving of life. And with her last hope of the player rejecting her reach, she has no reason to keep going. So in the Easter egg where the player tries to bring her file back after deletion, she refuses to follow. She doesn’t deserve to intrude on their happy ending. She doesn’t deserve to come back.

And she doesn’t.

In future games she’ll probably return though, and with all the secret files and her motivations in the normal ending, I feel like it’s going to be for redemption by finally being there for her club.

She sticks around because no matter how much guilt she feels about just existing, she still wants to be there for her friends. Because while a lot of the act 3 dialogue was not meant to be something people agree with, there was one thing that I feel like is good if you look at it in the right way. Maybe people can’t pay back for the lifetime of consumption they’ve done just by living, but people can pay back and be worth existing just by looking out for their friends and those closest to them. Even if there can be doubts about life and existence as a whole, it doesn’t matter in the end when there’s joy to be found in the people you care about. Even if you make mistakes or hurt them, you can still find a way to make it up to them, to still deserve happiness in the end. The one thing that makes life worth it is the bonds you form with others. Because the people around you are what give life meaning.

She can’t let go and she can’t give up because she still has people she loves and wants to protect. So she’ll keep living for the people she loves. That’s all she needs to do in this world to make it worth living.

I hope she succeeds.

(Side note i took a lot of the Monika talk examples from this post. I did have my own ideas even before i read the doc and I already knew about this stuff anyways i just don’t wanna scroll through the entire wiki again to see all the Monika talks and this is pretty comprehensive. The extra imput is also useful so yeah)(anyways thanks for reading this really long tumblr essay. Good job and drink water ;D)

i would like to bring up that monika has probably considered deleting herself before

like staring at a high cliffside and getting the urge to jump

[alovelyburn]

Rambles about the Golden Age Part 16

Aka the Mind of the Hawk. In which we take on Griffith’s final breakdown and the eventual Sacrifice. 

This basically JUST covers the Griffith stuff. I did write about the other things going on in the same time period, but the post got so egregiously long that I split it off into another post so.... Part 17.  x__X

In the meantime....

Rambles About the Golden Age Part 16:  The Mind of the Hawk

So, when last we left off, Casca had just told Guts that she can’t leave Griffith behind, but that he has to go and fight his own battles. Guts, who wasn’t especially enthusiastic about this idea anymore, promptly reached an epiphany regarding his having tossed away a precious and irreplaceable thing without realizing he was doing it. And unknown to either of them, Griffith overheard this....

...thus triggering the first movements of the Eclipse. 

The thing is, the dream has been dead since he went into that dungeon. He’s not stupid, he is aware that even if he had escaped intact the King wasn’t going to allow him to marry Charlotte. And then of course he’s down there for a year and again, he is aware of what was done to him. Even if we assume that he for some reason didn’t understand how badly off he had become until he got out of there, he certainly knows now. We even see him releasing flowers to the field along with his dreams. 

Yet, nothing from the time since his rescue, not even Wyald destroying his followers’ image of him or the Hawks breaking up, has triggered the Eclipse. Hell, a year in a torture dungeon didn’t trigger it. 

What triggers it is just... Guts. Losing him again. 

And when I say “just” I don’t really mean its the only factor - obviously when Guts left the Hawks originally he had a mental collapse but it didn't trigger the eclipse. I think it’s... specifically the systematic destruction of everything he is and everything he hoped for - his ambitions, his physical well-being, his ability to communicate - even his love for Guts which is “lost” to the romance with Casca - ultimately leaving him with nothing except the hope that he can at least be near the one person he loves... and then the loss of that, too. In the end, he has nothing left to live for, and that’s when we get his vision of himself in his prime. 

And quite specifically, himself in his prime evoking what he did that first night after the snow duel - “What are you afraid of in this place.” “Take all the sad and scary things and cast them into the fire.”

In this case, not unlike the first time, that fire is a representative of his dream - the princess and the castle - the thing that can buoy him when his heart is at its most broken. If we go back to the King scene - for Griffith, Guts had become his “warmth” - a ray of light that protects him from the painful reality of his dream.  Griffith even refers to him as something that outshines the Castle. Here, we have a direct reversal, as he uses the dream to protect him from the painful reality of abandonment by Guts, whom he loves, at a time when that love was the only thing of value he had left.

And this hallucination/vision leads directly into...

...this nightmarish vision of himself as a living doll unable to do anything but sit there as Casca projects her romantic fantasies onto him. 

Full disclosure: I always figured that kid was a vision of the child that eventually becomes the demonkid and then moonlight child - because he’s named after Guts, because we know Casca is indeed pregnant with Guts’ kid, and because the idea of a child of Guts and Casca that becomes Griffith’s as well is a much less twisted foreshadowing of what’s to come. ...also because I’m not sure I believe the torturer would have left his whole Down There situation intact considering he was taking souvenirs off his his body and is obviously sexually ...directed at Griffith. 

That said, while the idea of Griffith “raising” Guts’ child while Guts is off living without him is sad, its actually even more disturbing if the kid is Griffith’s, because the feeling in this scene that he’s just the receptacle for her feelings makes the idea that he’s fathering her children quite offputting. 

The thing is...

I think the core of why I find this scene so disturbing is that it’s just an extreme version of what he always experienced from others. The dehumanization, the way people projected their desires onto him. The way Gennon wanted to keep him as a sex object (and had a one-sided romance with him that he had no control over, which is exactly what’s happening in this scene with Casca), the way the nobles wanted him around as a novelty but would try to murder him if he got out of line. And in this vision, as in his life at the time, he has no ability to remove himself from the situation, and no real freedom to object. 

It’s notable to me that he looks.... like his old self for the most part. He’s got some scruff marks on his cheeks that I assume are meant to imply that he has scar tissue where his face was cut apart, but he mostly just looks like... Griffith. Specifically, Griffith living as a pretty decoration that is talked at and about but who has no agency and is wholly dependent on the people who treat him that way.  And it really, I think, shows us how he perceives himself as being seen and treated, in life in general but particularly in the post-dungeon era.

And to be clear, I’m not implying that Casca would really treat him that way, it’s a nightmare!

...all that said, I am absolutely convinced that both the vision of his prime self and the subsequent vision of Casca are primer visions sent by the Godhand (or the Idea of Evil, or fate) to prepare his mind for what’s to come. 

And the reason I think that comes down to two things.

First - the roller coaster of his despair sliding into a delusional hope and and then landing in a nightmare of being trapped in a pseudo-romance with Casca and raising a kid named Guts is what triggers his suicide attempt, which is just another step toward the eclipse. In fact, it’s the penultimate step since the next thing that happens (Guts’ approach) makes the behelit wake up. 

And second... 

The vision ends with a behelit in his soup. No way he thought of that on his own. In order words, I think this is just the beginning of what becomes the major headtrip they pull on him during the Eclipse, and like in that whole situation, his every fear and hope is weaponized against him to put him in the “right” place to make that choice.

I’ll be honest here, when I read this whole section running up to the Eclipse and I remember people saying Griffith would have sacrificed everyone any time, like the prolonged breaking of his body, mind, heart and spirit to the point where he tries to kill himself and doesn’t have the strength to do even that have nothing at all to do with that choice... I do get a bit upset. I don’t know, the lack of empathy is just a bit disturbing to me. I’m not saying you have to like him or think what he did was okay or forgive him, but that’s different than what I’m talking about. I’m talking about how it is obviously the extremes of his suffering that triggered the Eclipse - the Idea of Evil even says as much later.

This is the reason I can never really think of any godhand or apostle as having been born evil. Every single one of them has a story like Griffith’s or the Count’s. Every one of them has been subjected to suffering so great that they were willing to burn everything down to escape the pain. I’m not saying it’s the right choice, I’m just saying it’s human. Every one of them is a human who has seen true despair. 

Anyway.

Guts gets so close to understanding where Griffith is here and in the past. It feels like every time he starts towards an epiphany he gets derailed by fate, which, I mean... that’s what happens so its less of a hypothetical in his case. But here he is, still wondering what Griffith wants from him. The sad thing is, at this point I don’t think Griffith really wanted anything from him. He just wanted to be near him. 

But of course, by this time it’s too late. 

Because at this point Griffith is at least five miles past his breaking point with Guts. 

The thing is, I don’t even know that that was a permanent state of affairs. In this moment, after everything he went through in the past... year, but particularly in the past few days and especially the past few minutes, he’s just too raw. 

And then there’s this. This is one of the pages Miura changed for the collected editions - in the originally published version the line is “I’ll never be able to forgive you again.” He changed it, I guess, to increase the ambiguity - around this time he seems to have been doing things and then thinking they made things too obvious or gave away too much, and then removing or redacting them, such as this and the lost chapter. 

But the original line, “If you touch me now, if you put your hand on my shoulder now, I’ll never be able to forgive you again,” speaks to where his head is at. Even now he still has hope that they can reconnect. He wants to be able to forgive Guts. But in this moment he knows that his pain is too raw and too much-  he can’t deal with Guts offering him comfort again when he’s just going to leave again. 

The line also contextualizes what happens. Because what actually, really, finally triggers the eclipse....

...is the exact moment when Griffith gives up on Guts. 

Now he can’t forgive him. 

Now it’s over. 

And in that moment, he reaches true despair.

“Griffith didn’t care about Guts except as a tool.” Okay well explain to me why he went out of his way to stop Guts from falling, held onto him until his arm split from the strain and had a panic attack when he couldn’t save Guts from that fall?

I just. 

Even with everything that went wrong between them. Even with his having given up on truly being with him. Even “knowing” Guts intended to leave him behind, he still can’t just let him die. That’s not the way you treat a tool, my guys. Especially not a tool you have literally no ability to use any longer.

It’s also beautifully symbolic. Griffith, who lost everything a year ago and kept himself tethered to sanity and hope by clinging to his memory of Guts is, in this situation, ultimately unable to hold onto him because of the injuries caused to him as a result of their first falling out. He has no strength and also no grip since his tendons were severed. 

And without Guts - his tether to sanity - he has no defense against the Godhand’s mind games. 

Which Begin... now.

I know a lot of people take this literally - and I dont really have a HUGE issue with that - but it’s interesting that everyone thinks Ubik is suddenly a reliable narrator because he said Griffith is a dick. 

First things first, I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Griffith’s internal image of himself is always the back alley boy - a commoner kid full of dreams. I always thought that was interesting. 

I also have a longstanding theory - tbh I’m almost convinced of it - that these shadows are either literally or metaphorically images of the Godhand pre-ascension. Because they’re so prominent and pointedly presented, and also if you look at the side view of Void’s face on the opposite page, the forehead and nose ridge match the silhouette here. So basically I think that’s the sage in the tower. 

So, if we take Ubik at something close to his word everything here reflects something within Griffith right? Something about the way he thinks, the reasoning he lives by - I’m going to say the sole exception is the old lady, since she is just Ubik and Conrad directly manipulating him, but even so they’re using his own thoughts and fears and dreams against him, so most of what they say isn’t wrong as such, just twisted up and manipulative. 

So we start with Griffith’s feeling of isolation and his determination to get where he’s going even if he has to do it alone.

Leading to the confrontation with the side effects of his actions. 

Now, before I go any farther with this, let me say... I don’t actually think Griffith has anything to feel bad about here. He was a mercenary and eventually a war hero - a commander of an army in the middle of a war. Casualties are not.... something he needs to be distressed or feel guilty about, really. Particularly because he has always been shown to be conscientious about keeping casualties to a relative minimum - even if it means having sex with a pedophile for supply money. Even back at Doldrey the order was to spare anyone who didn’t resist and going forward to NeoGriffith, even he gives enemies a chance to save themselves through surrender and submission. 

Like, honestly, if you want to understand how Griffith’s mind functions, and how he works as a character, you can’t just sit around from your 21st century apartment or house or whatever judging. This is all pretty standard historical general stuff, which is why his reaction to it has always been so striking to me, because he feels so awful about the bog standard medieval warrior things that he turns self-destructive. 

And if we assume this is the reflection of his internal world then what we find out here is that he went into his castle-tracking in innocence and felt duped when he realized the cost of that pursuit. He’s not okay with it. He’s horrified. 

But he’s also afraid to stop. The broken knight toy is interesting - as a representation of Griffith’s eventual fate and what could become of him after his fall from grace. I keep saying people treated him like a doll, and I do think that doll is, metaphorically, “him.” Broken and lying on the battlefield. Its importance is great enough that even the OVAs, which cut the entire dead child plot, still fit that doll in as one of Griffith’s childhood treasures.

Also, let’s reflect on how impactful this child’s death was to him. He’s still carrying it around even years later. But that’s not the only thing he’s carrying.

It’s the grief and the guilt. The immensity of carrying those lives under his banner and how much he wants to bring them along. But it’s more than that, too - look at what the ghost Hawks are saying:

“We’re counting on your dream.” “We’re sure we can fight to the castle if you’re with us.” “Receive our swords.” “We want to see the kingdom you’ll build.”

It’s that feeling I’ve talked about before - not just the guilt for those who died serving him, but also the responsibility of knowing the dreams and hopes of the living and dead alike are resting on him. If he stops then he’s failed them. If he stops then he’s killed them all for no reason and the survivors have wasted their lives following him for no reason, too. If he stops then what was it all for and how can he face the soldiers who live for him and the fallen who died for him?

Think about that scene where the Hawks finally realize he is no longer capable of being their White Hawk - they all just collapse. They have no backup plan, their lives and hopes are all resting on him. The only ones who show any optimism are the Raiders, because they have Guts to cling to.

And he’s trapped in that. Because the farther he goes, the more people flock to him and put their hopes on his back, the more people he loses, and thus the more he’s locked into a path that he started out in relative innocence but eventually found himself unable to escape. 

And there it is: the grief and regret people insist he doesn’t have. And yet, when faced with the consequences of his actions, all he can do is fall to his knees in tears and apologize over and over again.

As for why this torments him so much... it’s because as much as he tries to keep his emotional distance from them, he loves the Hawks. In fact, in a very real sense...

...they actually are...

his friends...

...in the end.

Because everything in this mindscape is a truth about him, right?

Yeah, he did say they weren't his friends... but he said that about Guts, too. These are the stories he tells himself in order to stay stable - so the guilt won’t crush him. Even so, no matter what he tells himself about them. No matter how much he tries to shut himself off from his feelings... he can’t.

And now we see why Griffith never recruited people - the reason for his open door, come and go as you like policy. It was alluded to back during Casca’s flashback but here it’s driven home: 

He doesn’t recruit because he doesn’t want to be the reason they’re there, the reason they died, any more than he already is. He needs to be able to say that they chose to take that risk, that he didn’t encourage it or coerce them into it. Because I do think if he couldn’t save himself from at least that much culpability, he wouldn’t be able to move anymore - he’d just be paralyzed by the guilt.

This  - and the conflict within him over whether to follow his obligation or his heart - is the driving force of his character.

And if we think about Griffith’s life as being a construct designed by IoE to bring him to this place, then year of torture’s purpose becomes clear:

Because now he is one of the casualties of his own dream, and if he doesn’t keep going, then all he’ll ever be is one of the fallen left on that road along with everyone who believed in him.

But that’s not enough, let’s just twist the knife.

Blame him for his own initial innocence - the idealism that made him set out to begin with before he understood what it would mean. It’s not enough that he didn’t know, because he should have known. And anyway didn’t he bring it on himself by having the hubris to imagine he could achieve something to begin with?

It’s also worth noting that this image reflects two other times Griffith reached the pits of despair.

His night with Charlotte...

(in which he kept thinking about Guts, which is relevant in a second)...

And his suicide attempt a bit ago.

I have seen some people say that this proves he knew the whole time, even as a child, what he was getting into. But if you look at what the old lady/ubikconrad entity says, she isn’t claiming that he knew from the beginning, she’s saying that he had to have understood by the time he got to this point - in other words, he can’t have been ignorant forever, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten as far as he did. Which is true, as he obviously figured it out around the time of the child’s death.

Which is what he’s admitting to here. And if he feels guilty about it, that’s when Conbik (Ubikrad?) chimes in with a direct blow to Griffith’s single biggest weakness:

Guts. The one person he loves and listens to more than anyone or anything. More than his ambitions, more than his dreams, even more than his guilt and self-loathing. 

Thinking back to the context of that original statement... Griffith was asking Guts if he’s a terrible person. If he’s cruel. If his actions, the corpses he’s left behind, make him monstrous. And Guts said... why even worry about that? Do whatever it takes to get there, why are you even hesitating now, of all times? After everything you’ve already done.

“Now. of all times.” In this time when he finally has the option to get back on his path. Why is he hesitating? It’s all right to be cruel if it means getting where he has to, right? He’s already done so much, why stop now? Why even wonder? Just plough right ahead. That’s not what Guts said, but it’s what Griffith heard.

And the thing is, this is Guts right? Even aside from his being Griffith’s most valuable person, he’s also someone who actually does think that way. It’s in a kind of different... tone, though, because Guts is about “do whatever you have to do (to strangers) in defense of the things and people you care about,” vs. Griffith who is faced with applying that rule to the people he cares about. At the same time, it’s tricky because the sacrifice is something he justifies as service to the people he loves by way of sacrificing the people he loves -make this choice and  validate the choices you’ve already made. What you owe to the dead is to “keep winning.” That’s how you repay everyone that you’ve killed directly or indirectly. 

By presenting Guts here with a quote that he actually said in reference to Griffith having exactly the doubt that he’s having right now, they’re using the big gun against him... and doing it right when he’s beginning to cave. 

It’s a direct hit to the jugular.

And look at that reaction. the way the panel is arranged - his small figure crushed by the space around him - highlights the impact on him, how hard that hits him in this moment. How isolated and cornered he feels when he “understands” - incorrectly but with certainty - that Guts, too, thinks this is who he is.

And that’s it.  With that, he just... begins to crumble into resignation.

Guts says do whatever it takes, don’t regret it, be as monstrous as you have to be - as monstrous as you already have been... and Griffith just thinks... 

Yeah. I guess that’s what I have to do. 

It gives him the material to convince himself again of what he’s been convincing himself for years: that if he can reach his goal, all of this will be worth it, and he will have repaid his debt to the corpses he left behind him. 

And I mean, that moment - the moment where he resigns himself to his fate, is also the moment when Miura chooses to reveal that the granny is actually just Ubik and Conrad fucking with Griffith’s head.

And as we watch him convince himself that he has to keep going despite everything... we get that leftmost panel, which is...

...a direct callback to the face he made back in the torture dungeon when the King accused him of not understanding how it feels to carry lives on his shoulders. Right down to the shadowed skin, the placement of the blood on his face, the hair over his eyes, even the sweat drops.

Followed by Void confirming Griffith’s long held fear: that he is just a monster that tramples corpses to get what he wants. 

...and the assurance that the Hawks, who were willing to die for his dreams anyway, would forgive him, in the end. Because... isn’t that what they were there to do anyway?

In the past I’ve talked a good bit about Griffith’s fraught and ambivalent relationship with the Hawks, which I do believe was purposeful since it gets referenced directly and indirectly multiple times. And of course, everyone also knows that Griffith’s feelings for Guts are, by this point, incredibly complicated and painful - Guts is, in short, the person he loves and hates the most.

And I think both of those things are relevant, because there’s a repeating pattern to these sacrifices where the person you give up - or the people in the case of someone like Griffith - are yes the people you love, but they are also the source of your pain - the reason you’re in despair to begin with.

The Count sacrificed his treacherous wife.  Ganishka sacrificed his son, who was a conspirator in his murder. Rosine sacrificed her abusive parents. The Behelit Apostle sacrificed his “world,” which was both his home and his prison. 

And Griffith sacrificed Guts, who is the primary source of all his joy and all his pain... and the Hawks, who loved him but also dehumanized him and who, for years, weighed him down with their need.

And I do think that part, the complexity of that love, is relevant because it’s one thing to sacrifice your favorite person as they’re just going about their business - that’s what the Count was asked to do, and he couldn’t do it. It’s another thing entirely to sacrifice someone who has caused you to reach the dark night of your soul... because you loved them enough to give them the power to crush your spirit and cut out your heart... and they did.

Did they mean to do it? No, of course not. Unlike the Count’s wife, Rosine’s parents and Ganishka’s son, the Hawks are “innocent,” and Guts never meant Griffith any harm.

But that’s what he feels. And it makes a difference.

And this is why the Eclipse triggers in the moment when Griffith gives up on Guts. From a character perspective it’s because that is when Griffith lost all hope. But from a cosmic plan perspective it’s because until that moment, he never could have said that the castle shines brighter than anything else in his eyes.

Since that was explicitly not the case.

The thing is, the Golden Age is a tragedy. I think everyone knows that. But people all too often fail to understand that it isn’t just a tragedy for Guts, who loses his surrogate family, or Casca, who loses her mind, or even the Hawks as a whole.

The Golden Age is also, or even primarily, Griffith’s tragedy. His fall from grace. He lost everything, but most notably he lost himself.  As in many tragedies, mistakes and hubris and misunderstandings all pile on one another until Griffith is pushed to the edge of a cliff and when he falls he brings everyone down with him.

What remains may be the same soul, but it’s not really the same person. The human that was Griffith is dismantled and replaced with a demon that incorporates parts of him, but eliminates his conscience, his humanity and his heart, replacing them with demonic power and the energies of Hell. Once the human being that was Griffith is gone, all you have left is the Hawk, the cold embodiment of the emotionless pragmatist he tried to be and the ambitions he tried to live for... forever locked inside the helmet that was also a torturer’s mask.

And people don’t care about that, I suppose, because for them his character is defined not even by his actions but by their rage over his actions. And while the rage is valid, it doesn’t actually retroactively change who he was until that point - the point where his humanity was carved out and replaced with the energy of Hell. 

Griffith was a person who began as an innocent full of ideals and dreams, who attracted thousands of followers who saw him as their road to glory. While grateful, he was progressively crushed under the weight of expectations created by his own successes and the losses it took to achieve them.  Every time he won, every time he made an inroad or, as he said to the king, every time he does “nothing more than not fail,” his legend grew. And more people put their hopes on him, and it became harder to hold it up. In time, he began to compromise himself and venture into darker terrain to facilitate their continued advancement, all while struggling with his eroding self-image and hiding his ugly side from the people whose need for his strength drove him to develop that side to begin with. 

And though Griffith has a certain fragility to him, he is also incredibly strong - or he is able to “make himself strong.” That being the case, he was able to bear it for years and hold himself together under that weight through the force of his determination and will alone...

...until he met this one man, Guts, who introduced a fatal flaw into his system - a fissure that ran straight through his carefully constructed armor and support beams. 

Suddenly, he has something other than ambition and dreams to live for - a feeling stronger than his guilt. He has someone he can trust and rely on the way everyone trusts and relies on him.  Someone who can see his ugliness and still find him beautiful. And that’s not nothing. It’s everything.

It’s something he’s willing to die to protect.

Every time Griffith falls or nearly falls it’s about Guts. Going back to save a 15 year old soldier he barely knows. Charging ahead to save Guts even though the situation is so dangerous that he has to order everyone else to retreat to protect them. Defying the aristocracy he needs to impress and risking his reputation to find Guts after he falls off a cliff. Humiliating himself in front of his commanders because he can’t stand to live without this person who has come to mean so much to him.  

Then Guts overhears his speech to Charlotte - a speech that is demonstrably full of nonsense because he obviously considers Guts a friend (at minimum) and also appears to consider everyone else friends to some (lesser) degree as well...  and suddenly he’s leaving. But...

Much like Guts who, once he came to believe Griffith cared about him, was unable to live with the "knowledge” that he was wrong... Griffith is unable to live with being shunted into his isolated corner again now that he’s felt a bit of hope and relief.

So he tries to hold on, with disastrous consequences. 

When Guts left, he may as well have shoved a dagger into that fissure and severed the beams under him. I’m not trying to rag on Guts or blame him - he didn’t mean to do it. He didn’t even know it was happening. But that’s what happened. 

And, because Griffith has spent so much of his life swallowing his own needs in order to be strong for everyone else, he is particularly vulnerable to this. He has no understanding of his own feelings or how to handle it when something hits his heart so hard that he can’t ignore it. 

He couldn't swallow it, and so it swallowed him.

During that year in the dark, it wasn't thoughts of the castle keeping him sane, it was thoughts of Guts. The "bond which keeps (his) consciousness from vanishing amidst the numbness.” When he’s pulled out of there and is incapable of achieving anything he had hoped to, it’s Guts’ presence that keeps him going. And when Guts seems ready to leave him behind again... that’s when he finally collapses under the weight of it all. Because his heart, as strong as it is, is still human and a human’s heart “can’t survive on dreams and ideals alone.”

He’s not a sociopath. He’s not a psychopath. He’s not even a narcissist. If he were, that would defeat the entire point of his arc (and the worldbuilding itself), which is about reaching a point where you’ve lost so much and your pain is so profound that you’re willing to do anything at all to make it stop.

So, yeah. He caves. 

Yet, even after his ascension and reincarnation, memories of his feelings for Guts are so strong that his first priority is to find him and make sure those feelings can’t ruin him again the way they did the first time.

But if you want to know the difference between Griffith the human and Femto, the entity that emerges from that egg shortly, it’s right on that face. 

Because when he appears, Femto’s eyes and expression are harder than stone, and colder than ice. 

But when Griffith turns to look at Guts in that last moment of his humanity, he has no hatred, no malice, no anger. He’s just. Soft, and sad. 

Even as he’s swallowed by darkness....

...he’s still looking at Guts with affection. But it isn’t the easy joy of their early, “golden” years together.  

It’s the same kind of affection Guts had on his face once, long ago... when Griffith was imagining a future of glory shared with the most important person in the world to him...

And Guts was silently saying goodbye.

[amysubmits]

Hi! I have a question but if its too personal, please ignore!!!

I have been with my Dom for 4 years (we have been practicing DD and D/s for 3 years) and we are both at the point in our lives where kids is something we really want! We are a little curious/worried with how adding babies will affect our dynamic since we both don’t want to stop DD and D/s. Have you thought about how potential kids will affect your relationship?

Obviously we both know changes will have to happen but that is scary and unknown! I’m trying to not get anxious because I’m not even pregnant yet but with a major change comes worries:( Any advice?

Hi! I appreciate the consideration but this isn't too personal, no worries. :)

We've definitely thought about managing D/s after babies but of course, all we can do is daydream and guess, we won't really know what it's like until we get there. I can definitely empathize with how it seems scary and unknown.

When you compare it to other things, it really highlights how wild it is? Imagine having to decide to accept a job that you can never leave, and have to be 100% emotionally committed to for the rest of your life, without ever having worked a day in that job before. That would be nuts! But that's basically what parenting is...and it's the most important work that most people ever do with their lives, in my opinion. So, I don't know how anyone can be super duper confident that they're ready to be a parent. I think it kinda requires a big leap of faith...I feel like I have to go into it recognizing that I have only a really basic idea of what to expect..and even those basic expectations could be wrong. You never know what your baby will be like. So in my mind, it's a decision that I have to make while recognizing that we'll just find a way no matter what happens...but that's definitely scary as I'm not someone who likes risk-taking usually.

Anyway. That's kind of how I feel about the idea of planning to have a kid in general, and I guess I don't see D/s as that much different. CD and I have had some fairly significant life changes since we first started D/s. We've moved houses a couple of times, shortly after we started D/s I had a couple seizures, CD has been self-employed and has been traditionally employed, I've had some milder job changes too, I was a cancer caregiver for a few years, we had a disabled dog for about a year so we had that caregiving responsibility, both of our dogs died, my dad died, we've had mental health diagnosis' and trauma epiphanies and of course we've both just gotten older and experienced personal changes the last 7ish years, too.

So with some of those changes to our lives, our schedules or just ourselves, we've adjusted our D/s along the way. We try to look at our current needs and desires and structure our D/s around those, rather than trying to make life fit our D/s if that makes sense. This has meant that we've had phases with a longer list of rules/expectations/protocols, and other phases where we've had very few. It just depends on what we can do in the chapter we're living in, and what our needs are.

So, my guess is that we'll try to do the same with parenting. I wouldn't be surprised if we tweak our D/s during pregnancy, and again after a baby and as they get older their needs change and our schedules change. I can't really begin to guess exactly what that will look like, but I think that as long as we're able to communicate our needs and wants with each other as we go, we'll find a way. So that's what I put my faith in.

Sorry this isn't very concrete! People who have been D/s before having kids and after might have a lot better insight for you. :)

[victoronyurionice]

Can we just take a second to appreciate how beautiful ‘Yuri on Ice’ is? No, i’m not talking about the show (even though it’s a masterpiece let’s be real), I mean Yuuri’s free skate music.

Whoever composed that piece of music is an actual genius, I have a spotify playlist with songs I want to ice skate to someday (let me preface this by saying no I can’t ice skate and no i’ve never even stepped foot onto an ice rink) and every time that song comes up I’m genuinely overcome with so much emotion, it’s scary.

I’m by no means musically educated but the STORY it tells is magical. It starts of slow and a bit sad, depicting Yuuri’s career so far (as seen by him anyway, I have a whole other post about how I think Yuuri is mega freaking talented) and from about 0:30-0:55 every time a lower chord (? I have no idea what I’m talking about) is played I can SEE him falling in my head. But then it rises to a crescendo (again I’m probably using the wrong term here) and BAM in comes Victor and everything starts going right.

BUT THEN... THE BEST PART... 1:42 onwards where it goes quiet, and this is the realisation that what Victor and Yuuri have is love... and it’s not boisterous, loud or obnoxious. It’s a quiet sort of epiphany. It’s a melody that’s been present from the start of the song, it’s the basic undertone that’s been there all along. In the sense that their love has been there from the beginning, and it’s a beautifully soft realisation. Love doesn’t have to be grand, or big and this part of the song shows it perfectly.

It finally ends on such a high note, with Victor and Yuuri conquering the GPFs together and it’s a perfect depiction of what happens, and I can’t express just how much I’m in love with the composition of the music.

Also a side note: Victor choreographed Yuuri’s free skate. I just love picturing how the conversations between Victor and Yuuri would’ve gone, especially since Yuuri must’ve told Victor ‘This is the part where I realised we have something like love’, and Victor taking that and making ART with it. I’m not gonna be able to rest until I see Victor skating Yuuri’s free skate, I really want to see Victor doing the little hand pointy thingy at Yuuri

This has been a long ass post so I’ll end this here, but Yuri on Ice man...