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planetaryupscaled · 5 months ago

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Disenchanted 6

Male Reader x Karina

Tags: 2k, cheating, creampie, cuckold, daddy kink

The story is not ours, we alternate the original story to match our desired settings.

It was well past 2am before Karina and I finished our marathon sex session. The ravishing woman having run out of energy, just letting me lazily pump her cunt with the last of my load for the evening.

It was a surprise that Jaewook was still asleep throughout the ordeal, given the fact that Karina and I really didn’t hold back, I even held her face against his thigh at one point, while railing her from behind, the slaps of flesh distorted by Jaewook’s snores.

I left an exhausted looking Karina to get some much needed sleep, lying face down next to her husband, covering her silky naked form with the sheets before closing the bedroom door behind me. There was an ache in my legs as I slowly descended the wooden stairs. I must have emptied at least five loads inside her that night, my sack was still reeling from the demands I put on it, my cock slowly getting accustomed to not being snugly sheathed within Karina’s tight body.

Opening the doors and slipping into the early morning air sent a ripple of energy spiraling through my senses. My eyes perking up suddenly at the rush of cold wind now billowing all around me as I retired back inside my homely lodge just in time before the heavens opened up with rain coming splashing down on the wooden roof. In many respects, tonight had been more extreme than the Yeonjun, Hajoon affair, it was with her husband, one she shunned for most of the night. Not that Jaewook caught on at first, but I had a feeling he was starting to connect the dots, the longer the three of us fucked. It was the little things, like the eye contact she gave me while we made love, not the same if any when it came to her husband. It was almost like he was, as she described Yeonjun and Hajoon before, a prop. It would not be too long till that final blow would be dealt, to my knowledge we were going to tell Jaewook in a few hours, not knowing what the best time to spill the beans was, if ever. Little did I know the blow would be dealt far sooner than expected and in the most brutal fashion imagined.

—

“Hey...can I come in?” Karina said, amidst the increasingly loud pitter patter of the rain outside.

I must have fallen asleep, checking my watch it was now half five in the morning with the birds already chirping outside.

“Hey...sure...come in.” I replied, getting up and ushering a soaking Karina in.

She was drenched, wearing nothing but a white bra and matching underwear, as she strolled into my posh glamping abode, a wicked smile strewn across her face.

“Karina, you are soaked...” I said, wrapping a towel around her and bringing her into the warmth by the fireplace.

“More than you know.” She chimed back, looking at me with those deep brown eyes of hers.

I felt like she wanted to tell me something, something important, there was a level of excitement emanating from her that I could not quite pinpoint.

“So...I had a talk with Jaewook” Karina said, “it’s over...” with finality, running her hands along my arm.

“Um...what...I thought we were going to do it tog...” I started.

“It’s better this way.” She replied with a smile.

“How...did he take it?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Not good at first, there were tears, his tears that is and then anger, then tears again. I left him in the bedroom to think it through, but I am pretty sure he has passed out again.” Karina said.

“Wow...so...” I replied.

“So...I guess that’s that...” Karina said, closing the gap.

“I’m yours...” She followed up.

“Seriously Karina, you wanna fool around after such a big decision has bee...” I started again, before getting interrupted by a kiss.

Her soft lips melded with mine, as if we were made for one another, the warmth of the fire stoking our bodies as I pulled her closer for a deeper embrace.

“You know...we were meant to do this together right?” I said, staring at her beautiful face.

“Guess...I’ve been a bad girl...” Karina replied, placing her hands on my chest.

“You know what happens to bad girls right?” I replied, catching onto the sudden erotic turn of events.

“What’s that?” She said, biting down hard on my lip as I felt her hands roam into my pants and grab harshly at my sack.

“They get...punished...” I replied, moaning at her touch while simultaneously man handling her to the bed.

“Wait...” Karina said.

“Film it...” She followed up with a cheeky grin.

I walked over to the side table, propping up my phone and pressing record, making sure the lens captured everything. This was to be our second video, and I wanted it to be hotter than the last.

“Ass across my lap, young lady.” I said, sitting down on the edge of the bed as Karina presented her pert derriere to me.

“You ready?” I asked, palms already about to strike.

She looked at me, over her shoulder, in anticipation, sucking down on my thumb from my free hand.

“Don’t hold back...be rough with me...Daddy.” Karina said, seductively, before tensing her rear for me in quiet trepidation.

I drove down with full force, not holding back as I connected with Karina’s ass cheeks, the ripple effect causing a loud slapping noise to ring off the walls.

“Ahhhhh...Daddy...” Karina wailed.

“You like that?” I replied, coming down harder this time, slapping her rear while squeezing her red raw flesh under my hands.

“Yes...AHHH...harder...ahhhh.” Karina screamed, her rear now getting battered from my slaps.

Karina started whimpering with each subsequent smack, her body trembling under my grasp, till the brunette turned around over her shoulder, eyes watering slightly at the force of my strikes.

“Fuckkk...fuck me now.” Karina said breathlessly.

I was lost in the moment, my hand still shaking after smacking her ass red raw, staring down at Karina’s tight body, I slipped out of my boxers and rammed myself as far as I could into her married cunt. My tip piercing her silky folds with ease as I split the mother of three open with my cock, my crown roughly smashing up against her cervix with a thud as I bottomed her out. Karina felt different this time, kinkier in her requests as if the ante had been dialed up a few more notches as she pushed back onto my deep hard thrusts. Her walls sucking my shaft off as I drilled her mercilessly into the mattress, adding a few more slaps to her ass each time I pumped her cunt with more of my dick.

“Pull...my hair...” Karina said between moans, sucking on my fingers as I pried her mouth open with one hand and yanked on her hair with another.

It was the roughest we had ever been, but she loved it, arching her back to allow me to penetrate her pussy to the fullest, filling her pink chamber with my meat as I stuffed her unfaithful cunt with cock.

“Ughhh…Minho...yes...fuck...dadddyyyy...” Karina moaned, her eyes locked on the camera as I railed her in the prone position.

It was just in that moment that the front door swung open. her husband Jaewook standing a few feet away from us, a look of horror on his face. He could not comprehend what he was seeing, words failing him as he just watched, slack jawed as Karina and I stared back at him.

“Moree...give me more...” Karina demanded.

We were too far gone, not giving a shit about other people’s feelings at this point, we just needed to get off.

“You like that?” I asked, spanking her rear.

“Uhhh...yes...just...like...that...daddy.” She replied, biting her lips.

“Better than your husbands?” I asked, through gritted teeth as I fucked more of my straining cock into her tight pussy.

She raised her head, looking Jaewook deep in his tearful eyes as I penetrated her cunt.

“Worlds...better...” She replied with little remorse, pushing back on me as I flipped her over onto her back.

“Spread your legs baby.” I said, rubbing furiously at her throbbing clitoris.

She complied, parting her bronze thighs for me as I pierced her folds with my dick once more. I could sense her eyes ever so often glance over at a frozen Jaewook, his face not showing anger or sadness anymore, but acceptance as I spread his wife’s legs wider, spearing her cunt with deep rupturing strokes.

Karina’s cries of pleasure were mounting, her body was shaking as the brunette hung her head of the side of the bed, allowing me to plough into her marital pussy over and over again, ripping through her pussy with a hunger what needed to be satiated. My cock irrigating her womb of air, the more meat I fucked into her, forcing it out in a hurry, causing a highly erotic farting noise to ring out from between her legs.

I slipped my fingers into her mouth, pumping my dick deeper into her womb, feeling the warmth of her cunt urging me for release as we locked eyes.

“I want to feel you cum...” Karina moaned.

“Wai...” Jaewook spoke, his voice feeble in the distance.

We ignored his plea, locked in our own mating ritual as Karina pushed her hips towards me with each thrust, goading me into seeding her pussy.

“Fuck a baby into me...” Karina whispered, into my ear, loud enough for the killer blow to be heard by Jaewook.

It was enough to set us both off as I fucked my cock deep into Karina’s cunt, exploding at the tip as my pent up sperm peppered her cervix, leaking into her uterus as I injected her twitching womb with my thick milk.

“Ughhhh...baby...fill me...fill...me...up.” Karina groaned.

Her own orgasm triggering as I pumped her pussy fill of cum, my seed dribbling out the sides off her slit as I felt a rush of fresh fluids rush against my cock. She was gushing, the mix of my seed and her juices now coalesced as I force fed her married pussy more of my meat and sperm, right in front of her husband. I felt wave after wave of my cum, pump into her luscious cunt, spurt after spurt painting her insides in my sticky white milk.

Karina was dripping from the rear, as I finally stopped twitching inside her. The slickness of her womb bore the fruits of our labor as her gushing ceased, the stickiness smeared all over her inner thighs, dripping down her red raw ass cheeks as she got up and lay beside me in a huff. We stared at each other for a long moment, forgetting our unwanted guest for a few seconds as his sobs started again. Looking over, Karina purposely strode over to him, still leaking her womanly fluids form her slippery well fucked pussy.

“Jaewook...it’s over.” She said firmly, before turning to me wearing a smile on her face.

I looked at her, amazed and slightly shocked at the brutality of it all. Everything was caught on camera, the sex, the moans, the spanking, the lot. Rolling her hips on my lap while Jaewook took a last look at his wife, she turned to me, taking my tongue between her lips and sucking me firmly.

“Now...fuck me till I pass out...” Karina said, slipping my spent cock back into her freshly claimed cunt.

In that moment, she belonged to me, and she knew it, presenting her body to me for me to claim, claim her mind, body and soul, Karina was mine.

#karina smut #aespa smut #kpop smut #girl group smut #female idol smut #male reader

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lewisvinga · 9 months ago

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a rich man | logan sargeant x fem! reader

summary; self made millionaire y/n l/n becomes part of the line of alpine investors but due to her young age, everyone is trying to connect her to a driver except the only driver she has an actual connection to.

fc; jarinpat

warnings; cursing

taglist; @namgification @louvrepool @locelscs @thehufflepuffavenger1

notes; requested ! also can ppl pls give woc fcs 😩

masterlist !

liked by yourusername, trentarnold66, and others !

alpinef1team: introducing 1/2 of our investor lineup ! welcome y/n l/n, trent alexander-arnold and travis kelce to the team! 🤝🤝

tagged; yourusername, trentarnold66, killatrav

killatrav: grateful to be apart of the team!

username: VIVAAA LAS VEGAS

trentarnold66: glad to be part of alpine 🤝

username: holy shit liverpool x f1, i’m gonna go crazy

yourusername: so happy to be an investor and be apart of the team 🩷🩷

username: this is so cool wait

username: y/n looks so young omg who is sheee

username: she’s a self made millionaire ! started her blog at 15 about beauty and fashion and built her empire since then! she became a millionaire at 18 and is now 22!

username: that’s so sick

username: y/n being 22 and investing in alpine is crazyyyyy i wanna be like her fr

username: i think she’s dating someone bc why would she invest in f1?

username: i also think that whoever she’s dating is the reason why she’s rich!

username: wtf are yall saying…. y/n came from nothing and built a beauty empire on her one, she doesn’t need a rich man to be rich, she became a rich woman on her own 🤣

liked by logansargeant, lilymhe, and others !

yourusername: a rich man and her american boyfriend🤍

tagged; yourusername

logansargeant: did not appreciate everyone connecting you to everyone else but me.

yourusername: acting like we weren’t on a date together when everyone was going crazy on twitter !

logansargeant: i love you 🤍

yourusername: i lovee you🤍

username: OMG IT WAS LOGAN??

username: i was so sure she wasn’t dating a driver but her dating logan is so🥹🥹

username: queen shit

username: parents are parenting

username: I LOVE THEM🥹

lilymhe: my sugar mommy 😮‍💨😝

yourusername: my sugar baby😙

logansargeant: u got other sugar babies ??😥i’m not the only one ?😥😥

yourusername: ur my special sugar baby🩷

liked by yourusername, alex_albon, and others !

logansargeant: i’d be a 1950s housewife for her if she asked

tagged; yourusername

yourusername: LMFAOOO LOGAN😭

yourusername: i’ll retire u bae, when we have kids you’ll be a stay at home dad ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

logansargeant: w a girl like u, i’d make sure you have a nice hot meal everyday you come home to a clean house too

username: logan’s such a simp for her, he’s just like me

username: THE CAPTION LMFAOOO😭😭😭

username: wow she’s gorgeous 😍

alex_albon: time to get u an apron

logansargeant: #stayathomebfcore

username: 1950S HOUSEWIFE😭😭

username: y/n really won, she’s a self made millionaire and has a hot bf, she is HER

username: logan : 🫃

username: he said ‘yes i do the cooking, yes i do the cleaning 🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️'

#formula one x reader #f1 x reader #f1 smau #f1 scenario #formula one scenarios #f1 imagine #formula one imagines #formula one imagine #f1 scenarios #formula one social media au #logan sargeant social media au #logan sargeant smau #logan sargeant imagine #logan sargeant x reader

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thebigbiwolf · 1 year ago

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Spittle - Part 2/2 (Astarion/F!Reader)

Summary: The chocolate seems innocent enough - if you look past the Infernal writing on the wrapper, and with so few pleasures in the wilderness, you all but jump at the chance to sneak yourself a small treat.

Unbeknownst to you, the bar is infused with succubus spittle. Just one square is rumored to contain enough potency to send a mortal into the throes of ecstasy.

This is what happens when you eat half the bar.

Fic Tags: Sex Pollen (kinda), aphrodisiacs, a bit of dom!Astarion, unprotected piv, overstimulation, he talks you through it (iykyk),

Fic Warnings: Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI), Language, No use of Y/N, magical influence

Read Part 1: Here

Read on AO3: Here

Word Count: 4k

A/N: Wow. I'll try to make this brief. First of all, I just want to say thank you all so much for your continued support. I know this took me forever to write, but I've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil with school and some health issues with my animals. Your patience means so much to me, and I can only hope this lives up to everyone's expectations! This is my first time writing smut, and ngl I feel a bit like Icarus, so let me know if y'all liked it. Last, but not least, thanks again to my bestie/beta @imaginarydromedary for holding my hand through the shame.

Astarion sits quietly beside the fire, absently picking the dirt from beneath his manicured nails. The night had unfolded like countless others before it: boring, mundane. Uneventful.

Perhaps he should retire early. The Realm According to Bumpo sits patiently atop the desk in his tent, and if he heads to bed now, he could potentially finish a chapter before his watch begins.

He stands, patting the dust off his trousers, just as Shadowheart emerges from your tent. He initially doesn’t pay her any mind - fails to notice the concern etched across her face.

“Astarion.”

He snaps to attention, recognizing the fear in her voice.

Astarion’s stomach sinks when their eyes meet. Shadowheart isn’t normally one to succumb to panic, but she looks as though she’s just stumbled out of a wolf’s den.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. She - I’ve never seen…” Shadowheart pauses, taking a steadying breath. “She’s feverish. She was fine only hours ago. I heard a cry from her tent and feared something was amiss. When I found her, she…” The cleric hesitates, eyes contemplative - as if weighing exactly how much she wants to reveal.

“Out with it, damn it!”

“Is there any chance she’s been poisoned? You two stayed behind, back in the village. Did she come into contact with anything that might have pierced her skin?”

“Poisoned? No, she -” Astarion retraces the events, turning over your brief conversations in his head before landing on the only noteworthy detail he can think of.

He taps a finger on his chin, a thoughtful smile creasing his face. “Unless, of course, the Infernal chocolates didn’t agree with her.”

“I’m sorry, the what?”

“The chocolate she found at the apothecary. I assumed she hid it away so she could enjoy her little treat, unbothered. There was Infernal text on the wrapper.”

She stares at him with wide eyes, jaw slack with disbelief. “And you didn’t think to mention this earlier?”

Astarion shrugs, unfazed.

“Where’s Wyll?”

He rolls his eyes. “How should I know? I’m not his keeper.”

“Astarion!”

“Oh, come on. That chocolate must have been at least a decade old. Are you certain this isn’t just some sort of stomach bug?”

The cleric shoves past him, groaning in exasperation. She shoots him a glare and mutters, “I’m certain,” before jogging in the direction of Wyll’s tent.

“Infused with succubus spittle. Just one bite will have you and that special someone rolling around for hours. Consume responsibly."

Astarion giggles boyishly. “An aphrodisiac? How fun.”

Wyll squints as he silently reads the next bit to himself, fingers tracing the text. He turns to Shadowheart, jaw tightening, "How much of this did you say she ingested?"

"I only found half the bar."

Wyll’s expression grows more serious. "This says the recommended serving size is one square… How many squares were left?"

“Oh, gods…” she breathes, "Six."

The three exchange silent, worried glances.

“Could she die from this?” Shadowheart asks, her voice trembling with uncertainty.

Wyll’s lips press into a thin line. In truth, he doesn’t know the answer. He could ask Mizora for guidance, but the devil’s been awfully silent after his recent failures. He isn’t sure she'd be willing to answer him, let alone grant any favors. Still, it may be worth a call.

Just as Wyll’s about to suggest it, Astarion heaves a deep, dramatic sigh, throwing his hands up in defeat.

“Alright, I know what we’re all thinking. I’ll take care of this.”

The other two regard each other, thoroughly confused.

“Look," Astarion explains, I may not be well-versed in magic, or magical remedies, for that matter, but now that we know what’s causing this… I think it’s obvious what needs to be done.”

“You’re joking.” Shadowheart laughs, incredulously.

“No,” he continues, “We can’t just sit here and hope for the best. We need to act quickly, and let's just say, this fits into my... skill set.”

“So, you’re going to, what? Have sex with her? You think she’ll be capable of saying anything but yes, given the state she’s in?”

Astarion shoots her a glare. The mere thought that he’d ever so much as suggest doing something like that - bedding you when you’re too weak to reject him - the very idea of it makes him sick.

He isn’t that evil.

“Watch your tongue,” he spits at her, “before I do us all the favor of removing it.”

“Hang on, you two,” Wyll interjects, “Astarion, I think you might have a point. You would know better than anyone whether she’s in a right enough state of mind to… consent to this. You’re closest to her. She trusts you.”

He turns to Shadowheart, “It’s worth a try.”

Astarion notices two things as he pulls back the flap of your tent.

The first is that it is unseasonably warm. Scorching hot, like summer. A stark contrast from the welcoming cool of the early spring night behind him.

And second, that the air in the tent is heavy - heady with the scent of sweat and something else he can’t quite identify. It's clouding his senses, making his head swim. The taste of it settles on his tongue, like salt on the rim of an otherwise very sweet drink.

The moonlight at his back casts a dark shadow over your sleeping form. Astarion hesitates for a moment, taking in the sight of you, vulnerable and oblivious to his presence, feeling too much like a wolf looming over a snared rabbit.

You twitch, grimacing in pain.

He frowns. This wasn’t the way he wanted to go about seducing you. His plan was much more sophisticated: a carafe of wine, a few honeyed words leading to a night of passion, your endless thanks, all culminating in some well-earned release and his assured protection.

A mutual exchange.

But, this?

He’s roused from his thoughts by another grunt, escaping from between your clenched teeth.

Whatever you’re going through, it looks like hell.

Ugh. You know what? Fine. Maybe this isn’t the way he envisioned it, but when has life ever blessed him with a perfect scenario? He’ll offer his… services, and respect whatever answer you give him. If you refuse him now, he can always try again later. Under less perilous circumstances, provided you survive the night.

And if not, well, he's never been one to play the hero, but at least he tried.

He steps further inside, closing the entrance behind him. The moment he seals the tent shut, there is a palpable shift. The space feels infinitely heavier, laden with unnatural energy, reminiscent of anticipation, but just slightly… off.

He breathes, trying to focus on anything but that intoxicating scent. The haze of it is maddening.

The elf sits on his knees beside you, hands resting in his lap.

He clears his throat, hoping the sound would be enough to wake you.

There’s no response.

He whispers your name.

Nothing.

No choice, then.

He drums a finger against your bare arm.

The cleric was right. Your skin is so hot, it borders on scalding.

Finally, you begin to stir.

Again. It happened again.

As soon as you closed your eyes to rest, you saw him - That thing that wore his skin. You felt his hands and mouth as he ravaged you until you fell apart beneath him, above him, wrapped around him, like he was everywhere all at once.

He was demanding as he took pleasure from you. Ravenous. Mocking your cries, your begging.

The hours stretched into what felt like lifetimes, and you’d nearly given up hope, resigning yourself to the idea that this was your new, endless reality.

Until suddenly, you hear a voice that pulls you from the dark recesses of your subconscious-- the very voice being used to torture you

Your name, uttered quietly by Astarion. Just Astarion. No second, more sinister layer beneath it.

Your eyelids flutter, then widen as a chilling realization washes over you.

He’s touching you. The pads of his fingers are both a balm and an irritant, soothing and igniting the flames licking at the corners of your mind.

“You look like you’ve seen better days.” He teases.

You recoil from his touch, sitting upwards and crawling back away from him.

He can’t be here. He, of all people, can’t be here.

And yet, something within you is screeching in delight.

'That’s him, isn’t it? The object of your desires? How fun!’

You swallow. Hard.

“Astarion, I -”

He holds up a hand, silencing you. “I’m aware.”

“Shadowheart informed us of your… predicament,” he continues, “I can’t help but feel partly responsible, seeing as I was there when you found the chocolate -”

“The chocolate? Is that - wait, what?”

Shit. Your head is pounding.

You press your palms against your eyes and groan.

“I’ll spare you the details, but that chocolate was laced with succubus spittle - a highly potent aphrodisiac - and you, my dear, have consumed enough to bring an entire brothel to its knees.”

Your eyes snap open, meeting his own. There isn’t an ounce of humor in his tone. No sign of his usual mischief.

Gods, he’s being fucking serious.

“Now, as amusing as this might be if it were anyone else, I’d prefer it if our party’s leader made it out of this alive, and that leaves us with a choice."

You gaze at him silently, waiting as the candlelight paints his sharp features in warm hues of amber and honey.

'He’s quite handsome. I see why you like him.’

“You can ride this out alone,” Astarion explains, “Shadowheart will return with her best salves and more potions for the fever. We’ll hope this passes quickly, but Wyll’s translation suggests the amount you consumed could leave you in this state for up to a week.”

Your stomach churns. You’re going to be sick.

“And the alternative?” you manage to ask.

His hand finds yours, fingers intertwining with your own. Your skin prickles at the contact.

“The alternative is that you let me help you through this. Consider it a repayment, of sorts, for gifting me your blood. I’m somewhat of an expert on… well,” he lets out a humorless laugh, “let’s just say, I’m the best chance you’ve got.”

Maybe it's the blood roaring in your ears, or maybe you’re still dreaming, but it sounds like Astarion is offering to… fuck you?

“I’m sorry, what?”

He groans, visibly frustrated. “Sex, my dear. If the magic is compelling you to have it, I think we should listen.”

‘Handsome and smart.’

You hiss, “Would you please shut up?”

Astarion squints. “What was that?”

“Nothing, sorry.” You clear your throat. “Listen, I - I get what you’re trying to do. I appreciate it, really, but -”

Pain lances through your abdomen, a sharp, icy shard that interrupts your words. You clutch at your side, releasing Astarion’s hand before falling helplessly on your back, twisting in agony.

He inches closer, voice tinged with urgency. “We’re running out of time. If you want my help, it's best to ask now, because as much as I love the idea of you begging for me to bed you, I won’t be comfortable doing this unless you agree to this while you’ve still got your wits about you.”

Tears sting the corners of your eyes, blurring your vision at the edges. He’s right. You don’t think you can endure this alone, and as much as you fucking hate to admit it, the damned succubus magic - that thing - is right.

You do desire him. You’ve wanted him since the moment you met beside the nautiloid. Now here he is, offering to alleviate your suffering.

There’s just one part of his offer that you can’t quite come to terms with.

“I didn’t let you drink from me because I was hoping you’d repay me.” Your voice warbles, wet and stressed, “I can’t have sex with you if it’ll just be part of some ridiculous transaction. Not with anyone, and certainly not with you.”

His expression softens as your words sink in. It’s a confession, of sorts. The kind he’s wholly unfamiliar with. It stuns him almost to the point of speechlessness.

“My apologies. Believe me, it was more of an excuse than anything. I didn’t mean to suggest…” He lets his words trail off, shaking his head. You two can revisit this conversation later, when time isn’t of the essence. “It doesn’t matter. I want to do this. Let me help you.”

The sincerity in his voice sends a shiver up your spine.

It’s clear he means this.

He means every word.

You nod. “Okay.”

Astarion clears his throat, rolling the tension off his shoulders.

“Good. Now that we’ve got that taken care of,” he says as he throws one of his legs over your waist, straddling you, “Why don’t you lie back and let me take care of this, hm?”

His posture is relaxed. Confident. He regards you with hooded eyes and the faintest hint of a smirk. It’s quite the sight, one you’d enjoy significantly more if your body wasn’t busy screaming for his attention.

His deft hands make quick work of the laces of your shirt, and with every string that loosens, your composure unravels further. You squirm, unable to resist the heat that teases your skin and the growing itch beneath it.

As if Astarion can sense your rising panic, he places a cool palm against your burning cheek, his touch both gentle and practiced as he rubs smooth circles at the dip of your temple.

“Relax, dear,” he whispers, both a request and a command. The gentle lilt in his voice masks the underlying authority, but your body obeys all the same, tension releasing from your muscles. “I’ve got you.”

Astarion quickly rids you of the offending fabric, chest and stomach now bared to him. His eyes scan over your form with focused intensity, lips pinched between his teeth, like an artist deciding what to make of their blank canvas.

“Normally, I’d take my time with this,” he admits, “but given the circumstances…” He swiftly undoes the buttons of your trousers before yanking them off along with your smallclothes. One single, fluid motion.

He can’t hide the mild shock that follows when he sees the state of you - dripping wet, red and pulsing with need.

He dips the tip of his finger between your folds. It glides over velvet skin, coating the digit in warm, wet slick. A strangled, pitiful noise escapes from your throat.

For a moment, Astarion’s calculated expression falters, surprised by the rate at which your body opens itself up to him. A glint of hunger lurks beneath the surface.

“This may be easier than I thought.” He says with a smirk, more to himself than to you.

He presses two digits in, slow and intentional. There’s no resistance; A knife through warm butter. You’re dripping down his knuckles, gripping around him like a vice. He slides all the way in until the heel of his palm meets your clit.

“Breathe.”

Not even realizing you’d been holding your breath, you release it with a shutter.

“Very good.” He punctuates his words with the slow drag of his fingers. Long, languid movements. He’s taking his sweet time with you, pulling scandalous little cries from your lips. It’s like he’s toying with you - seeing how long you can hold out before breaking.

It doesn’t take much time at all.

“Astarion -”

“Yes?”

“Please.”

“Please, what? What do you need, darling?” His eyes are fixed on your own, grin tugging at the edge of his mouth. A cat playing with a cornered mouse.

“More. Anything.”

He hums in approval, then wets the pad of his thumb on his tongue before drawing circles exactly where you need. Heat coils at the base of your spine, forming a ball of tension that threatens to snap.

The sheer intensity of it is enough to scare you, caught between the urge to chase the sensation or flee from it. “Astarion, I -”

He ignores your warning as if he hadn’t heard it, plunging his fingers into your heat and curling them - expertly caressing a spot that threatens to shatter you. Your hands fly out, gripping the fabric of his shirt, the sheets beneath you, anything in a desperate attempt to ground yourself.

“Go on, love. Let it out. I’ve got you.”

Your body seizes as your orgasm tears through you, igniting every one of your oversensitive nerves. Back arching off the bedroll, several strangled sounds - almost pained - rip from your throat. The pleasure threatens to tear you apart, but the thick fog of lust occupying your mind begins to subside, offering the slightest bit of clarity as you twitch beneath him.

Astarion grabs you by the jaw, tilting your head this way and that, admiring his handiwork. He's quite pleased with himself, with the mess he's made of you - jaw slack and brows pinched. He coaxes out the aftershocks, watching you squeeze around his fingers.

"There,” he gives you a playful pat on the cheek, "You're looking better already."

"You're - agh - enjoying this too much."

"I never said I wasn't going to enjoy it."

A beat of silence passes between the two of you as he allows you to catch your breath. For a moment, you think the coast is clear - that maybe, this was as far as things had to go. This was what the magic was compelling you to do, or at the very least - it was close enough. You fulfilled its wishes. Surely.

But then he pulls out of you, and the second you feel the vacuum of emptiness where his fingers once were, that voice in your head is screeching like some sort of petulant child. It pouts, waggling its non-existent finger in your direction. The demanding bitch.

Part of you, instinctually, realizes that this is just the beginning - that you’re simply at the edge of the shore watching the tides recede while a devastating wave builds somewhere in the distance.

“What is it? Does it still hurt?” Astarion asks, breaking the silence, and you realize that no, it doesn’t. Not like before, at least.

You shake your head.

“Good. I’d wager that means this is working.” He smiles triumphantly, working the laces of his own clothes, and ridding himself of the final layers between you, revealing an intricate network of muscle beneath. For a man who’d supposedly been starved for the last two centuries, he certainly doesn’t look the part.

Astarion nudges your legs apart with his thigh, then settles between your knees, dragging the head of his cock between your folds. He hums in approval, admiring the sight as he coats himself in your slick. It practically drools out of you.

There’s no resistance when he dips himself into your entrance.

His eyes scan over your face, searching for any discomfort, but all he finds is need.

So, he presses in further.

“Shit, you -”

He hisses, sucking in a sharp breath as he bottoms out, then takes a moment, eyes pinched shut, collecting himself.

He slides out, just an inch or so, before plunging back in, buried as deeply as he can reach. It’s so damn easy, the sinfully wet mess you’ve left all over his cock allowing him to glide in and out, tilting his hips with each thrust.

The stretch of him is perfect, like you were made for this - made to take him. His length rubbing and dragging against your walls acts like a balm, relaxing your body as you swallow and grip him in scorching heat.

He grabs one of your thighs, pressing it into your chest - the new angle allowing him to sink even deeper into your core.

It isn’t long before you’re begging him for more, digging your heels into the curve of his back.

Astarion starts pounding into you - a new, brutal pace spurred on by your encouragement and the wet, filthy slap of his skin against yours. The sounds reverberate off the canvas of your tent, blending with your choked sobs. You just know your companions are going to have something to say about this in the morning, but you honestly can’t bring yourself to care.

The only thing that matters now is the man above you - his nails digging into the flesh of your ass, whispering how good you feel. How well you’re taking him, “Like you were made for this - for me.” His grunts are like music to your ears, drowning out all other thoughts as his chest vibrates against your own.

It’s all too much.

Your orgasm sneaks up on you before you have a chance to warn him, but he feels the way you flutter around his cock and acts on instinct - snaking his fingers between your bodies and rubbing your clit in quick circles.

You throw your head back with a cry, shaking beneath him, and grip him like a vice as you come. The force of it slams into you, hot and devastating, tightening every muscle within its wake. You wind your limbs tightly around the hard planes of Astarion’s body as he rolls his hips into you, slow and deep.

You can feel him twitching inside you, his rhythm suddenly stuttering with each thrust. Something tells you he’d come now, if you’d allow him.

But where?

'Where else?'

The very idea of him not spilling every drop he has inside of you disturbs you nearly to the point of panic, and with that, you finally understand what this damned succubus has been demanding of you this entire time.

“Astarion, please. I need you.”

“Where?” he asks, voice muffled, panting hot and open-mouthed against the swell of your shoulder.

“Inside,” you beg, “Please. Please - It’s alright.”

He shudders, surging up into you one last time with a strangled grunt. Holding onto your hips, he pulses within you, the warmth of his release filling you to the brim, until a thick white ring of come forms at the base of his length. You can’t help but clench around him, moving to match his previous pace and trying desperately to wring as much out of him as you can, until it begins to seep out onto the sheets beneath you.

It isn’t until he stills inside of you that you release your hold on him. The two of you take a minute to collect yourselves, waiting for your heart to settle and listening to Astarion’s ragged breaths.

He lifts his weight off of you with a grunt, settling back on his knees.

“That was - agh,” he shivers as he pulls out of you. You don’t even want to look at the mess.

“I’m going to have to burn these sheets, aren’t I?” you ask, sitting up on your shoulders.

He throws his head back with a genuine, hearty laugh, and cards his fingers through his dampened hair.

This is the most relaxed you think you’ve ever seen him - not a scowl line in sight. He rolls his shoulders, and sighs at the subsequent pop before turning his focus back on you.

“I’ll have you know,” Astarion muses, “I’ve done this more times than I can count— but this, my dear,” he chuckles, “This was one for the books.”

“So, was sleeping with me everything you could have possibly imagined?” It’s an obvious joke, given your tone. An offer to squash any chance of this happening again, should he wish to. An exit.

He hums playfully. “Well, next time I think I’d prefer the subtle influence of wine over a mind-altering aphrodisiac, if it's all the same to you.”

There’s a beat of silence.

Did he just offer to do this again? Well, not exactly, but -

“And how are you feeling?” Astarion asks.

Better, is the honest answer. Slightly confused and deeply embarrassed, but better.

The apologies you’ll have to make after the night’s over seem endless, both to him and to Shadowheart for all the trouble you caused. Not to mention the others, who’ve probably had the sound of your squealing burned into their memories forever. The idea of it is daunting.

“Because if you’re still reeling from any nasty, lingering effects,” he continues, “I’m sure I could be… persuaded to help again.”

Oh.

Hm.

“Well, now that you mention it…”

Tag List (sorry if I missed anyone! I only added you if you explicitly asked to be tagged): @daedriclys @captain039 @sushiumex @sugasweettea @marauders-moon @starlightelegy @ablxssm @the-lake-is-calling

#bg3 #bg3 fanfiction #astarion #astarion acunin #astarion bg3 #astarion x reader #astarion fanfic #astarion x you #spittle

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leclerc-s · 2 months ago

Text

track five - birds of a feather, we should stick together

series masterlist

SUMMER BREAK 2023

ines_alonso, charles_leclerc, and oscarpiastri posted new stories

what is genuinely wrong with this man?? why is she standing in the middle of the road?? to take a selfie?? surprise shawty!!

maxverstappen1 replied to your story

maxverstappen1 how much time do you have?? ines_alonso GO TO THERAPY!! maxverstappen1 i'll go when you do ines_alonso that's not fair. you have deeper trauma than me. maxverstappen1 bitch please

alex_albon replied to your story

alex_albon this is such a charles thing to do ines_alonso it was oscar actually alex_albon no freaking way oscar did that ines_alonso oh boy oscar has all of you fooled into thinking he's normal.

francesca.cgomes replied to your story

francesca.cgomes you wouldn't understand the need for perfect lighting, you're a man charles_leclerc in the middle of a road?? francesca.cgomes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do leclerc charles_leclerc you're right, i'm so sorry

logansargeant replied to your story

logansargeant mate, what is that picture of charles? oscarpiastri he pissed me off so i took a horrible picture of him logansargeant what the hell did he do to you? oscarpiastri he called my car ugly piece of metal, after i jokingly said i wouldn't be caught dead in a ferrari logansargeant i will never understand how your relationship works oscarpiastri charles and i like to squabble for shits and giggles. inés hates it.

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ines_alonso we're gonna have fun in sun ☀️🎶

tagged: alex_albon, lilymhe

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maxverstappen1 i was unaware we were doing a couples holiday?? where's my invite??

alex_albon lost in the post i guess ines_alonso this was 100% an accident maxverstappen1 traitors, both of you

lilymhe let's run away together and leave the boyfriends behind?

ines_alonso deal, when and where? alex_albon oh i bet [redacted] just let out an unholy screech ines_alonso can confirm that is what just happened. he is now pouting on the couch.

user01 are those, high school musical lyrics?

user02 how the fuck did you recognize that? it's the most generic ass caption. user01 i had a huge crush on vanessa hudgens, i still do, so i naturally watched hsm so many times. user03 THOSE ARE HSM LYRICS!! I WOULD RECOGNIZE THEM ANYWHERE!!

alex_albon i see we're not including the picture where [redacted] almost drowned you

fernandoalo_oficial sorry what? ines_alonso he's being dramatic. alex pushed me off the boat and [redacted] helped me up fernandoalo_oficial i know where you live alexander alex_albon you don't? fernandoalo_oficial that's what i want you to think alex_albon i'm actually scared now

charles_leclerc you look angry in that second picture

ines_alonso some girl was flirting with my boyfriend charles_leclerc understandable, have a good day user03 charles said, not my problem user04 well, if the rumors are true, then i want to know was someone flirting with oscar or charles?? user05 probably charles user03 put some respect on my man oscar ❤ liked by arthur_leclerc user04 arthur leclerc, head of the oscar piastri defense club

francesca.cgomes did you guys play mermaids??

ines_alonso you know it but someone (alex) was being a party pooper and didn't want to play logansargeant common alex albon L alex_albon uncalled for logan francesca.cgomes i would play mermaids with you inés ines_alonso marry me 👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏻💍

sebastianvettel it was nice seeing you inés!

ines_alonso please come back to the grid. we miss you. we need you. sebastianvettel i quite like retirement ines_alonso so did my dad and then he came back

patriciooward wow and no visit??

ines_alonso you literally told me, 'i don't want to see you' patriciooward lies. slander. dishonor on you! dishonor on your cow! ines_alonoso i'm telling rossi! patriciooward I'M TELLING ROSSI!

user06 inés being friends with a bunch of people in different careers will never not be funny to me.

user07 girl is out here collecting friends in different careers like infinity stones user06 it's more like pokémon no? there's only six infinity stones user07 see now that you say that pokémon makes more sense

user08 papaya orange and ferrari red nails?? she's dating charles and oscar confirmed.

user09 nurse, she's out again but also i aspire to be this delusional user08 you'll see that i was right when the confirm it themselves.

oscarpiastri why does it look like you were in four different countries already??

ines_alonso i was only in three oscar! just because your ass is a homebody and prefers to be in australia doesn't mean the rest of us do?? oscarpiastri i was literally in monaco?? bumped into charles and everything maxverstappen1 ahh the proper monaco experience, bumping into prince charles at least once charles_leclerc okay so fuck you max. maxverstappen1 name a time and place baby 😘 kellypiquet 🤨🤨 ines_alonso 🤨🤨 oscarpiastri 🤨🤨 arthur_leclerc 🤨🤨 alex_albon 🤨🤨 fernandoalo_oficial 🤨🤨 danielricciardo 🤨🤨 patriciooward 🤨🤨 f1 🤨🤨 logansargeant 🤨🤨 redbullracing 🤨🤨 lewishamilton 🤨🤨 lorenzotl 🤨🤨 jensonbutton 🤨🤨 scuderiaferrari 🤨🤨 pierregasly 🤨🤨 instagram 🤨🤨 puma 🤨🤨 maxverstappen1 man you guys know what i meant ines_alonso happy pride month i guess 🏳️‍🌈 alex_albon BE WHOOO YOOOOUUU ARRREEE!!! danielricciardo it's okay we support! ALLY!!! maxverstappen1 the three of you can go fuck yourselves

user10 max is never beating the gay allegations after this

user11 this plus the grindr thing, i fear the closet is made of glass user12 to be fair, max does nothing to help the allegations

3 HOURS LATER

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ines_alonso i wanna be your endgame 🩷

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📍 ines_alonso the alternate caption was betty, james, and august if they got their heads out of their ass and dated each other but oscar said that would send people into a coma

user13 THAT'S WHAT WOULD SEND US INTO A COMA?? NOT EVERYTHING ELSE??

user14 girl, not you tagging taylor swift. (also was that for speak now (tv)?)

ines_alonso taylor has to know that i am committed to her and the agony her albums bring me, even when i'm in a relationship (yes it was. nothing better than crying to dear john)

logansargeant IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!! I WAS GOING TO LOSE IT IF YOU DIDN'T ANNOUNCE IT SOON!!

oscarpiastri you're being dramatic logansargeant i'm going to enter a secret relationship and force you to keep it a secret and see how long it takes for you to crack

user15 THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME IS WAS OSCAR AND CHARLES!!

user16 I TOLD YOU GUYS BUT NOOO YOU ALL CALLED ME CRAZY. I EXPECT AN APOLOGY WITH TEARS!! user15 NOT THE FUCKING TIME ANNIE!! user16 IT'S ALWAYS THE RIGHT TIME TO RUB IT IN EVERYONE'S FACES THAT I WAS RIGHT!!

pierregasly THE GROUP CHAT IS FREED FROM THE SHACKLES!!

charles_leclerc calm down calmar, no need to be so dramatic pierregasly DRAMATIC? I KEPT THIS SECRET FOR 2 YEARS CHARLES! 2 YEARS!

alex_albon oh thank god. i can breath again

ines_alonso you're exaggerating albono alex_albon i am not exaggerating, i couldn't handle keeping this a secret any longer.

taylorswift i think the alternate caption would've been much better 😉

ines_alonso holy shit- i died, dead, deceased. rip me. please marry my dad taylorswift tell him to show me the ring first 😂😂 ines_alonso oh my god fernandoalo_oficial you heard the lady!! fernandoalo_oficial please don't feed into her delusions. dumb and dumber do enough of that already charles_leclerc if the lady wants to play mermaids in the middle of the ocean, then we'll play mermaids fernando oscarpiastri yeah fernando, if she wants to play mermaids we'll play mermaids taylorswift oh this adorable

oscarpiastri have i told you that i love you lately?

charles_leclerc funny because this morning you called us 'pain in my ass' oscarpiastri no, i called you that because you set fernando's kitchen on fire again! ines_alonso i love you oscaroo!! charles_leclerc hey!! what about me?? ines_alonso love you charlie

user17 i don't know what's funnier the argument in the comments between oscar, charles, and inés or charles being a pyromaniac when it comes to fernando's kitchen

user18 charles should be banned from the kitchen oscarpiastri we have banned him but he still tries to cook charles_leclerc sebastian would never treat me like this danielricciardo no, he'd treat you worse. that man is controlling in the kitchen and you know it.

scuderiaferrari ❤️🩷🧡

louieee oh baby girl i'm so happy for you and your boys. so glad the three of you finally decided to do this.

ines_alonso thanks for helping max convince me to go on that date 🩷 louieee anything to see that beautiful smile back on your face 🩷

scuderiaferrari admin is definitely shocked and did not catch inés and oscar sneaking into charles' drivers room in australia...last year

mclaren admin over here is also shocked and did not catch charles and inés sneaking out of oscar's drivers room in miami this year... ines_alonso shout out to the best admins ever astonmartinf1 so guess who lied, like a liar ines_alonso no! i swear it's not what it looks like!! astonmartinf1 heart 💔 been 💔 broke 💔 so 💔 many 💔 times 💔

mclaren we call dibs for the next race weekend!!

scuderiaferrari um no 🤓☝️ you guys had her last weekend? astonmartinf1 um actually she's going to be in our garage look what happened last time she was with mclaren scuderiaferrari that was not our fault mclaren according to the footage it was redbullracing maybe she should be in our garage instead scuderiaferrari forget you man mclaren over our dead body astonmartinf1 that can be arranged 😃

patriciooward i would like everyone to know that i have known since the start!!

user19 and when was that pato? patricooward since 2021 user19 2021? I THOUGHT THESE BITCHES STARTED DATING IN 2022?? patriciooward i fear this is common knowledge? user19 TO WHO PATRICIO? TO FUCKING WHO?

user20 oh the mclaren and ferrari teddies. i could die, they're so adorable.

ines_alonso they gave them to me after oscar's mclaren announcement because and i quote, 'you need to have us with you at night when we're not here.' user20 oh that's so fucking cute ines_alonso this was also before they found out i would be working for sky sports

maxverstappen1 glad you're finally happy inés. you deserve happiness 🩷

ines_alonso we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you forcing me to go on that date 🩷 so thanks for that maxie!! charles_leclerc yes, thank you for that max oscarpiastri have i told you how much i like you? as a friend, that is. NO ONE START RUMORS!! maxverstappen1 as if i would ever date you oscarpiastri excuse you, i'm a fucking catch charles_leclerc not that you would ever need to know because that's my boyfriend not yours ines_alonso correction leclerc, *our boyfriend

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charles_leclerc mon soleil et ma lune ❤️ [my sun and my moon]

tagged: ines_alonso, oscarpiastri, patriciooward

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oscarpiastri i see who the favorite in this relationship is..

charles_leclerc she doesn't scream at me when i set the kitchen on fire. you do. oscarpiastri IT WAS 3 IN THE MORNING CHARLES! charles_leclerc even during the day you yell at me! oscarpiastri i'm sorry i don't want our apartment to burn down

arthur_leclerc i want everyone to know that i have caught oscar several times wearing the sally shirt

oscarpiastri sometimes inés forces charles to wear the mater shirt so she gets to wear the lightning mcqueen shirt logansargeant it's true, i've seen it happen. ines_alonso i just want to say kachow!

sebastianvettel so you didn't hate them?

charles_leclerc we agreed to never talk about that again sebastian. ines_alonso no this sounds like a conversation we should be having oscarpiastri i agree, tell us everything sebastian. sebastianvettel oh you two should know what i'm talking about charles_leclerc STOP! PLEASE STOP!

user21 their conversations seem to be so fucking unhinged and i love that

user22 honestly the three of them are so fucking unhinged user21 they're so fucking iconic, i love this for them

patriciooward so that's a no on being your fourth?

oscarpiastri according to charles he will only "tolerate one man in obnoxious orange" patriciooward it's papaya? charles_leclerc it's a shade of orange patricio. patriciooward papaya is not orange charles. it's papaya. papaya is it's own thing.

user23 charles breaking his theme for those two? oh he in love love

user24 never thought i would live to see the day but i love it user23 charles has an emotional attachment to that theme, so this is a surprise

scuderiaferrari congratulations to the happy couple!

mclaren they're not married 💀 scuderiaferrari they could be and we wouldn't even know it. astonmartinf1 speak for yourselves, we would definitely know, fernando would never shut up about it.

user25 HIS SUN AND HIS MOON? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

user26 THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LECLERC?! user25 BESTIE THE TRANSLATION IS RIGHT THERE!! user26 MY FAT FINGERS CAN'T TOUCH THE TRANSLATION BUTTON!!

maxverstappen1 i know for a fact she's holding a red bull can in that photo

charles_leclerc i will NOT be posting red bull propaganda on my page georgerussell63 WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD? oscapiastri i wonder who could've possible done that alex_albon why the fuck are you teaching him the word propaganda in the first place?! oscarpiastri all i said was that the hatred a specific family was spewing was propaganda against him and the word stuck maxverstappen1 sometimes having you around is good

carlossainz55 what the fuck? what the fuck is this?

charles_leclerc so that is who i forgot to block... maxverstappen1 YOU STILL FOLLOW HIM BUT YOU WON'T FOLLOW ME BACK? charles_leclerc YOU FUCKING CHEATED THAT'S WHY! maxverstappen1 HE CHEATED ON HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND! IF ANYONE IS THE CHEATER IT'S HIM! alex_albon CLOCK HIM MAX! louieee oh max emilian verstappen, you make me so fucking proud sometimes.

oscarpiastri this man is acting as if he didn't purposefully tell us to hard launch because he wanted to piss someone off

ines_alonso right, as if he wasn’t losing his shit earlier charles_leclerc is this what my life is now? you two roasting all the time? alex_albon mate, they do this to you in private all the time already logansargeant the group chat has seen some shit man fernandoalo_oficial she call you and oscar bald headed demons user27 yo, what the fuck goes on in their group chat?

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oscarpiastri one of us has set fernando, jenson, sebastian, and lewis' kitchens on fire, but i won't tell you who🧡 hint: it's the one who gets offended when you call him french

tagged: ines_alonso, charles_leclerc, arthur_leclerc

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arthur_leclerc why am i always getting dragged into shit?

maxverstappen1 because dumb, dumber, and dumbest have two people each they always drag into shit alex_albon this shit isn't funny anymore. i've been suffering with max for ages it should be louie suffering not me. pierregasly free us! logansargeant you two try being in the junior categories with dumb and dumber as they fail to flirt fredrickvestiofficial never been so happy to not have an f1 seat louieee i think you mean, they have two drivers they drag into shit because i don't go through half the shit you guys do. just ask alex how much he suffers in my place ines_alonso honestly fuck you guys

aussiegrit congrats on going public, even if it took you months to tell me.

oscarpiastri it was over a year and a half actually. aussiegrit i take back my congratulations oscarpiastri sebastian wouldn't treat me like this aussiegrit disowned. sebastianvettel welcome to the family oscar aussiegrit go away, who invited you?

user27 not oscar choosing an old picture of him and inés to one up charles

user28 we were in the trenches hoping they would end up together since 2017 user27 real and now they're together with charles.

jensonbutton charles is no longer allowed back in my home

charles_leclerc i was just there 2 weeks ago? lewishamilton more like you're no longer allowed in our kitchens except for fernando's, burn that down if you wish. fernandoalo_oficial this is why you lost 2021 lewishamilton this is why i beat you in 2007 fernandoalo_oficial WE WERE EQUAL IN POINTS! lewishamilton I STILL GOT 2ND PLACE OVER YOU!!

user29 the chaos these three bring to the world of f1 is unmatched

user30 no cause what the fuck do you mean mark ended up with fernando and seb in another universe? user31 this is my favorite f1 inside joke ever

nicolepiastri is this why you said he was never allowed to cook in the house?

charles_leclerc HE TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T LIKE ANYONE IN YOUR KITCHEN?! oscarpiastri i'd like my family to live, thank you very much charles_leclerc you're a liar piastri nicolepiastri every time, every single time ines_alonso imagine what it's like living with them.

user32 all i see is barbie and her kens

ines_alonso I TOLD THEM I WAS BARBIE! alex_albon to be fair, they said you were racer barbie maxverstappen1 then you proceeded to argue over what racing series racer barbie would be in. pierregasly and you called them bald headed demons, again logansargeant all in our group chat while fernando and daniel squabbled over multi-21 for some reason user32 i think i just shit myself...

hattiepiastri the best part about oscar and charles is their girlfriend

ines_alonso best part about oscar is his sisters and mom 🩷 arthur_leclerc and for charles it's his brothers right? ines_alonso no, it's your mom?? arthur_leclerc mommy issues alonso over here fernandoalo_oficial i know where you live leclerc arthur_leclerc nevermind, i take it back. ines_alonso according to charlie i don't have mommy or daddy issues, i have family issues fernandoalo_oficial i know where he lives too. charles_leclerc she was being self-deprecating! YOU SAID THAT WAS ALLOWED! fernandoalo_oficial i will let it slide, this time.

nicolepiastri finally someone who can help you do your laundry

lorenzotl charles dyed all of their white laundry red. fernandoalo_oficial inés caught the washing machine on fire by not clearing out the lint compartment nicolepiastri god help them

user33 i want to know how often charles and inés are causing oscar headaches

oscarpiastri so often that i've lost count. user33 oh it's that bad? ines_alonso he's a bitchass liar is what he is. i've never caused him problems in my life. that is a lie. charles_leclerc i accidently cause problems. it's not on purpose. oscarpiastri inés nearly fell off the balcony trying to grab one of our cats and charles fell down three flights of stairs, more than 5 times already. user33 holy shit, someone get those two hazard pay or something.

lorenzotl maman wants to know if you three are coming over for dinner?

charles_leclerc this couldn't have been a text? lorenzotl oh i tried, someone (you) kept ignoring me so i came here. ines_alonso i would never do this to you lorenzo oscarpiastri i wouldn't either lorenzo charles_leclerc STOP FLIRTING WITH MY BROTHER! ines_alonso have you seen him?? oscarpiastri i do what i want

user34 with every comment i find out more and more about these three

user35 ines and oscar flirting with lorenzo makes so much sense though user36 i've seen enough, netflix get them their own series. forget dts

landonorris what the hell? is this a joke?

oscarpiastri my relationship is very much not a joke lando. despite what max says maxverstappen1 it was one fucking time oscar, let it fucking go. oscarpiastri no ❤️ logansargeant this is why people think max is a part of your relationship. jensonbutton he's not? oscarpiastri jenson i swear to god- user37 the world could not handle the combined powers of lestappen as a couple ❤ by charles_leclerc and maxverstappen1 ines_alonso WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LIKING THAT SHIT? maxverstappen1 drama.

ZANDVOORT 2023

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ines_alonso they're fine, charles is just dramatic.

tagged: charles_leclerc, oscarpiastri

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charles_leclerc i am not dramatic

oscarpiastri you lost it over a pair of socks 2 weeks ago. charles_leclerc they're my favorite socks! ines_alonso they look like all your other socks?? charles_leclerc i know which ones are my favorites, thank you very much. oscarpiastri you're so weird sometimes

maxverstappen1 who the fuck did you grab lunch with? cause that sure as hell isn't me or alex??

ines_alonso i have other friends?? alex_albon that's a funny joke. never joke again. maxverstappen1 you actually don't?? ines_alonso i do. alex_albon what are you cooking baby alonso?? ines_alonso cooking up a diabolical plan to get rid of the sf-23 charles_leclerc for legal reasons this is a joke ines_alonso no it isn't

mclaren please tell charles to not tweet a hate tweet about oscar. we need a break over here.

scuderiaferrari don't worry bestie, we got him on lockdown astonmartinf1 free my boy he ain't do nothing wrong

user38 gay (affectionate)

user39 so true bestie, but this doesn't explain the way charles looks at max?? ines_alonso please don't bring it up. it's a sore subject. maxverstappen1 you're just salty because your man likes me more than you oscarpiastri i am not above throttling a dutch fucker verstappen user40 oscar piastri, i'm sorry, i was not aware of your game

user41 OSCAR PIASTRI CALLED MAX A DUTCH FUCKER??

user42 this man is so chaotic. it's always the quiet ones... user43 he's so unhinged. i love him

landonorris wait, so this wasn't a joke??

alex_albon and the award for never being able to read the room goes too... landonorris CARLOS SAID IT WAS A JOKE?? charles_leclerc do you want to see me shove my tongue down oscar's throat?? will you believe it then?? louieee carlos also said he would never cheat on isa and yet here we are?? landonorris who the fuck invited you?? louieee myself, you winless bitch fernandoalo_oficial as the children say, GAGGED HIM!!

user44 the year is 2054 and people are looking back at how f1 world champions charles leclerc and oscar piastri (it's going to happen, trust me) threatened to shove their tongues down each other's throat...

user45 OKAY!! charles threatened to shove HIS tongue down oscar's throat. not oscar. user44 same difference

MONZA 2023

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ines_alonso no one tells you how hard being a double wag is

tagged: charles_leclerc, oscarpiastri

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lilymhe just be my wag? you never have to struggle with rosso corsa and papaya ever again.

ines_alonso you're so right oscarpiastri back 🤺 off charles_leclerc i am not gods strongest soldier

user45 girl are you forgetting the aston martin of it all??

user46 aston martin daughter, red bull/williams bestie, ferrari/mclaren girlfriend. inés pick a struggle user47 i wish i had that struggle

charles_leclerc how dare you wear his number but not mine?? dishonorable!

georgerussell63 yeah inés, how could you? where is your honor? alex_albon and no mention of her father?? who won monza in 2010?? no honor! maxverstappen1 how could you do this inés?? danielricciardo people these days have no honor ines_alonso oh shut up, you people are dramatic.

patriciooward maybe you should just come to an indycar race. no struggles there.

charles_leclerc she is one comment away from dumping us. please stop patricio. oscarpiastri they only papaya she'll wear is in support of mclaren not arrow mclaren. ines_alonso it's truly a shame the indy 500 falls on the weekend of the monaco grand prix patriciooward a shame really

user48 i think inés and pato live for terrorizing charles and oscar.

user49 the only man charles and oscar seem to be insecure about is patricio o'ward. and honestly, i get it. louieee right?! where do i find a man like that?? user48 louie is the realest person in these comments honestly.

francesca.cgomes ditch the men and become my wag instead.

ines_alonso done. when do i start? oscarpiastri charles might actually get a heart attack if you keep joking about this arthur_leclerc no one ever died of a heart attack charles_leclerc are you serious right now?

user50 i live for the domestics in the comments between oscar, charles, and inés

user51 truly the highlight of my week when they do that

pierregasly i would appreciate it if you would stop flirting with my girlfriend?? she should only be giggling and kicking her feet over me.

ines_alsonso it's not my fault i'm a better flirter than you?? francesca.cgomes she just gets me charles_leclerc gonna go jump off a bridge brb (jokes) user52 had to clarify before pr got on his ass and the sainz family threw a party

user53 no one tells you how hard it is being a double wag because it's never been done before

user54 she may no longer be on the paddock as a driver but she will slay regardless user55 ones thing about inés alonso is that she will ALWAYS slay!!!

¡taglist!

@minmira95 // @lesliiieeeee // @vroomvroommuppett // @prongsvault // @justtprachisblog // @scuderiadevils // @cataf1 // @chezmardybum // @formulaal // @lilsiz // @norstappenvibes // @ironspdy // @nikfigueiredo @hinamesgigantica // @niniluvsainz // @matchaverse // @fakeikeastore // @theseus-jpg // @six-call // @81folklore // @emppusofi // @luvsforme // @nichmeddar // @loloekie // @luvpedro // @donttouchthegnote // @nothaqks // @inferiusreggie // @mochimommy2002 // @rach3164 // @clove08 // @clove0 // @lillysbigwilly // @jenxjar // @blupblupfish // @thereadinggremlin05 // @meowiarty // @magical-spit // @camdensreg // @laneyspaulding19 // @ocyeanicc // @yelenasloverrrrr // @percervall // @blushmimi // @spilled-coffee-cup // @michelleyw81 // @greantii // @ietss // @yeanoskrrt //

¡not taggable!

@ashlovestoread1411 // @books-thingys-andstuff // @nothanqks // @ale-522 // @aandreea_2005 // @Katness1 // @mgmoore // @Scott-McCall-could-lift-mjolnir // @xxx-betty // @ririyulife // @landonorizzz // @moldyshorts1997 // @itstimeforutogo // @yar16 // @em-andemm // @killjoycra // @◇Heart- Trees◇ //

¡leclerc-s speaks!

charles leclerc is a menace, pass it on. i live for charles being a disaster in the kitchen for this fic. it's the funniest running joke in this fic. what me adding side plots for funsies??? why i would never…(i couldn’t help myself) (this also came out way later than i planned)

¡disclaimer!

this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

#leclerc-s #guilty as sin series #f1 instagram au #f1 x oc #f1 oc #f1 smau #f1 social media au #f1 #formula one #f1 fic #formula 1 fic #f1 x female oc #charles leclerc x female oc #oscar piastri x female oc

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additiva · 3 months ago

Note

can u rec some lestappen fanfics pleaseee i feel like i’ve read everything and ur an amazing writer so i trust ur taste (even ones you haven’t read and want to read will do) tyy

Ooh I love this. Also that's so lovely thank you 🤍❤️

Lestappen Fic Rec List

Below the cut.

Ok not an exhaustive list, but here are the ones I remember LOVING.

Some are well known, some less so.

I can't rec any I haven't read yet sorry I'm super picky about the writing style, which you don't know until you get into the fic.

I've tagged some authors, some I couldn't remember their Tumblr names even though I follow them. I'll try to remember to tag them later, but also feel free to do so, if you know them.

Please leave kudos and comment on these fic if you check them out 🤍

I'll try to remember to update the list in future if I can.

Every Other Sunday by Anney

Obviously

Home (is wherever I'm with you) by actparci

Charles leaves Ferrari. There's a million of these, and this is my favourite.

Grapefruit Mignonette by slapshots

Restaurant au. The best of the trope in my opinion though the others are also good.

Set My Midnight Sorrow Free by PrincessElectra

-LOVE this series. Ugh. NOT an au.

Violent delights by grandprix

-ABO. Adore this series esp the second one.

Straight Lines by @alphatinies

Yes. Can't describe just read.

Blood Soaked Gown by sixteenthirtythree

ABO. Friends w benefits. Max is retiring and wants Charles to take his Red Bull seat. Adore it.

Canine teeth in the side of my neck by mintchocolatechip97

Silly! Biting. Don't look directly at me.

If I had words by @formula-fun

ABO. Charles has a miscarriage. Don't let the pregnancy themes scare you, it's perfect. The dynamics are 🫠 I adore this Max 😖

Called to the devil and the devil said hey by @creabirds

Yes. Sticks in my brain like glue.

A life in your shape by weiwuxian

- Max is Batman. This bit, I'll never forget:

But it was what made it fun — being taunted and kissed in the same breath. To fight and fuck and feel worshiped the whole time.

Top of the world (looking down on creation) by eaurouge-sangnoir

Sex worker Charles, virgin Max. 😖

Breathe You In (Like a Vapour) by @fabbyf1

🌶️🌶️❤️❤️

I'll Be Right Beside You by @fabbyf1

Max has amnesia. Charles is perfect.

Curious by LaurawritingF1

Charles is bicurious. Max is happy to help.

Heart Out series by @drivestraight

Girl!Max. Charles is bad at sex, but for some reason Max keeps doing it with him. Underrated. One of my fave series ever. Charles is a simp. He cannot handle Max, but he tries anyway, and I LOVE him.

Panem et circenses by Anney

SO underrated wow. Dystopian future of F1 fic, and like. Wow. Perfect. Wow.

Dirtbag, baby by mondaycore

All of their lestappen. Again, don't look directly at me. Look at the fic instead.

The Skirt by Anonymous

Silly! And short. But I love it.

Says he's going to teach me what fast is by @foggystars

Their lestappen are great but actually this Charlos one is my fave 🤌

And these are not Lestappen. They're Maxiel primarily, which I don't seek out in my life but they're SO perfect it makes me sick. I think anyone would enjoy them. The writing is just perfect.

To the Victor Belong The Spoils by @powerful-owl

Hunger Games AU. Wow the writing. The characterisations. Wow. It's all perfect. Wow. Please read it. You'll love it.

Steal the air out of my lungs by nahco3

Resident doctor au. Both accurate and compelling. Max is so dear to me. And Lewis. Love of my life, ugh.

Leave this blue neighbourhood series by tiredtiredsharl

This whole series I must've read 20 times. Multi-ship, though not Lestappen. Found family. It heals me with every word, it's just 😖😖❤️❤️.

Okay that's it for now. Lmk what you think.

#lestappen #fic #ao3 #fic rec #rec list

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joelalorian · 8 months ago

Text

Fall Into Me - Chapter Five: My Whole World Came Alive

dbf!Joel x f!reader

Summary: Joel is hanging on by a thread as a single father to a tenacious 10-year-old Sarah. Feeling like he's drowning, like the world is about to spit him out, he needs some help before he breaks in half. At your dad's insistence, you show up in his life and change everything.

Story is inspired by the song Fall Into Me by Forest Blakk. Chapter titles will be lyrics from the song.

Word Count: 2.9k

Chapter Warnings: Mature, under 18 take a hike. No outbreak AU. Lots of feelings, confusion, and self doubt. Two idiots falling and pining for each other, and finally some progress. Tommy keeps it real. Age gap of about 9 years (Reader 24/25, Joel 33/34). No use of y/n. Reader has a nickname used only by her dad. Emily is modeled after my sister and JB is based on my dad, who used to try setting me up with his younger work buddies when I was in my 20s :)

Dividers by the wonderful @saradika-graphics

Thank you all for reading! Comments and reblogs make me weep with gratefulness.

Some of the tags aren't working in the taglist - if you're not getting the notifications, please check your settings to make sure you are taggable. Thx!

Chapter Four | Main Masterlist

Sitting in Phil’s Icehouse with juicy burgers and drinks – you insisted Joel try a mimosa – conversation flowed between the two of you. Joel found his lips twitching into a smile at nearly every word that came out of your mouth. He was fascinated with the stories you shared of your college years, and he listened, completely enraptured, to your plans for the future. Every bit of your lunch together felt like a date. He wondered if you felt the same, yet he couldn’t find the courage to ask outright.

“Yeah, so, I have a meeting at Sarah’s school this week for a possible position. Remember that interview I mentioned a few weeks back? It went really well and now they want me to meet with the teacher who’s retiring and the principal,” you explained, sipping at your mimosa. “I’m pretty excited.”

Joel’s eyes lit up. He’d forgotten that you were looking at a position at Sarah’s school. “Wow, that’s great, darlin’. This would be for a science teacher position, right?”

“Yep. Middle grade science.” The beaming smile you flashed him nearly blinded Joel. “Wanna know the best part? If I get this job, I’ll have the same hours as Sarah, give or take a bit, so I can continue with the school drop-off and pickup for you. She might have to stay later with me somedays, but it’ll still work.”

Nodding, Joel’s mind was flashing lightyears forward, picturing you calling his house home and taking Sarah to school with you, coming home to have dinner together, watching TV in the evenings. Heart thudding in his chest at just the thought of you living together, Joel shook himself. He had to slow his mind down, put the brakes on those kinds of thoughts until after you were actually dating him, at least.

“You could be Sarah’s science teacher in a few years, huh?” Joel asked, focusing once again on listening to you instead of drifting off into daydreams.

“Could be, yeah,” you laughed. “I imagine she’d be my favorite student.”

He beamed at that. Conversation shifted to other things and soon your meals were finished.

“We should do this again,” you said, glassy eyes meeting his across the table, lips curved in a gentle smile. “I really enjoyed spending time with you, Joel.”

Fighting the urge to grab your hand and entangle your fingers, Joel smiled back. “Yeah, me too.” He wanted to kick himself for not saying more, for not asking you out for a real date. He just couldn’t find his words.

How was it that you made him so nervous?

Joel spent the next week in some kind of weird liminal space between a dream and reality, between agonizing confusion and utter happiness. Lunch with you on Sunday felt like a date – he asked you with the intention of it being a date, even if you didn’t know that yet. He spent the week thinking about that lunch, how you teased each other, laughed, shared stories of your past. How your gazes locked for longer than necessary, touches lingered, the smiles never fell from your faces.

It was wonderful, yet nothing was said of what it all meant – which was his fault, probably. Hence the roller coaster of feelings throughout the week.

He could tell you felt it, too. Doing as Tommy suggested, he started paying close attention to how you acted around him, how you looked at him when you thought he wasn’t looking. It was all starting to come together. He could finally see what Tommy was talking about.

You liked him. You really liked him, Joel Miller, overworked single father.

It was a wonderful feeling, knowing that someone liked him. It’d been way too long since he felt that way, that spark of hope for something more.

For the first time in a long time, he slept well the night before and woke early, eager to face the day and see you before heading off to work. He was already out front, filling a birdfeeder Sarah asked for, when you arrived.

“Good mornin’, darlin’,” he greeted, pulling the car door open for you once you parked in the driveway. His heart skipped a beat at the way you smiled up at him, taking his hand to help you out of the car. Your touch electric on his roughened palm.

“Hiya, Joel.” Your voice washed over him, warm as honey and twice as sweet. “Whatcha doing out here?’

Gesturing to the red barn-style feeder Sarah picked, he finished filling it with the wild bird seed the clerk insisted birds loved. “Just fillin’ our new birdfeeder.”

“Oh, what a cute feeder!” You admired the intricate features as it hung from the post Joel installed. “Sarah has been talking nonstop about birds this week. Hopefully we’ll see some good ones.”

“Hope so,” Joel hummed in return. “Don’t know much about birds personally, but I’m sure Sarah’ll teach me.” Your smile brightened at his sheepish grin.

“I have a bird guide I could give her to help identify all the different types that visit the feeder.” Your face lit up with excitement. “I even have binoculars from when I took an ornithology class in undergrad. I’ll bring them when I pick up Sarah this afternoon.”

“Orna what now?” Joel questioned. He had no idea what kind of class you were talking about, but he loved how smart you were.

“Ornithology,” you repeated, drawing out each syllable with a soft giggle. “It’s the study of birds. It was a really cool class. We had field trips around campus once a week to go bird watching. I got pretty good at naming the different species that we saw, but it’s been a while.”

In awe of you, Joel’s eyes crinkled with the strength of his grin. “Would you, uh, maybe want to go on an adventure with us tomorrow?” he asked, stumbling a bit over his words, a nervous energy welling up in his gut as he once again sort of asked you out. “We could go for a hike in the county park, and you could teach us about birds.”

You gazed at him, lips pursed in thought, for long enough that Joel began to fidget, brimming with recurring doubt. Did he misinterpret the signs after all? He wouldn’t be surprised. He wasn’t any good at this stuff anymore. You responded before he could spiral back into the land of self-doubt. “That sounds great, Joel. I’d love to.”

A visceral relief washed through him. “It’s a date then,” he said, his voice deep and rough while his dark chocolate eyes locked with yours. A satisfied smirk graced his lips as your eyebrows rose in surprise. Too quickly, doubt clouded your pretty eyes, and you laughed it off like he was teasing you. Joel sighed. He would be more direct next time. He’d get the hang of asking a woman on a date again someday. Hopefully.

“We’ll have to go early, is that okay? Birds are more active in the early morning hours,” you explained, heading for the door to find Sarah.

“That’s fine. We’ll make a day of it, grab lunch somewhere when we’re done.” Joel followed you into the house, already plotting out conversations in his head on how to properly ask you on a date.

The rest of the day went by in a blur for Joel and before he knew it, the job was finished, and it was only mid-afternoon when he arrived home. You pulled into the driveway with Sarah shortly after him and he came down from taking a shower to find the pair of you on the living room floor playing a racing video game.

“Hi Daddy!” Sarah exclaimed as he kissed the top of her head and took a seat on the couch. It didn’t take long before Sarah asked him to play as well and the three of you were taking turns racing against each other, laughing when one of you crashed.

There were moments, when your gaze would connect with Joel’s and he’d swear you shared the same thought – this was how it could be if you were together, a family.

“Do you want to stay for pizza? Tommy and your dad are coming over,” Joel asked when Sarah’s attention focused elsewhere.

“We have an early morning ahead of us, Miller. Don’t be up late partying with the guys,” you replied with a smile that reached your twinkling eyes. “I’ll stay for a bit, but then I need to go dig out the old binoculars and get my beauty sleep.”

“You’re already beautiful,” he murmured, watching your eyes widen as you smile demurely.

“You say the sweetest things, Joel.” Your voice held a teasing tone that drove Joel nuts. How was he ever going to convince you that he was serious?

Shortly thereafter, Tommy arrived, pizza and beer in hand. “Come on, Millers! I come bearing gifts. JB here yet?”

“I’m right here, ya troglodyte,” your dad called from the front yard, stepping up the porch steps as Tommy whirled around.

“What the hell did you just call me?”

“A troglodyte. Learned it from Spud and thought it fitting since you don’t close doors behind you.” He winked at you as he teased the younger Miller brother. Placing a kiss on your cheek, he added, “Hey Spud, haven’t seen you in a bit. Must be working too hard. Miller! You workin’ my daughter too hard?”

Joel spluttered. He was too busy gazing at you to pay much attention to JB and feared he got busted. “I hardly think so,” he grumbled, fighting the blush he knew rose to his cheeks.

“Ah, in the same ol’ grumpy mood, I see. Maybe this’ll help.” Your dad placed a 12-pack of Joel’s favorite beer on the coffee table before taking a seat in the recliner he always chose at Joel’s place.

The five of you sat around the living room, eating pizza with beer for the men and sodas for you and Sarah. The conversation revolved mainly around construction work, and you ended up taking your leave before the sun dipped below the horizon. Your dad followed not long after, eager to relax in his own well-worn recliner.

“Alright, nugget. It’s time for bed. We have an early morning tomorrow,” Joel said, swinging the young girl over his shoulder much to her delight. “Say goodnight to Uncle Tommy.”

“G’night Uncle Tommy,” Sarah squealed as Joel tickled her sides.

“G’night nugget.”

Always a good kid, Sarah went right to bed after brushing her teeth, but not before pestering Joel about why they had to get up early on a Saturday. Pressing a loving kiss to her forehead, Joel tucked her in. “We’re going on a surprise adventure. Now, to sleep with you.”

Returning to the living room, Tommy handed him another beer as the brothers watched Sportscenter. “Have you made any progress yet?” Tommy asked.

Matching dark eyes met as Joel shrugged. He knew his brother was talking about you. “Some, I guess. Told ya I took her to lunch on Sunday and that felt a lot like a date. I asked her to go on a hike with me and Sarah tomorrow. I told her it was a date after she agreed, but she thought I was jokin’.” He paused, taking a long pull from the bottle of beer. “Then, this afternoon, I told her she was beautiful and again she thought I was teasing.”

Swirling the bottle of beer in his hand, Tommy shook his head and chuckled. “She’s givin’ you a run for your money, brother. Good on her.”

“Good on her,” Joel mocked, but his tone quickly turned to pleading. “I need more advice. Surely you got something up your sleeve for women like her.”

“Nah, brother. The only way to get someone like her is to be yourself and keep chipping away. It’s clear she has as much self-doubt as you do, so it’ll take her time to believe you’re for real.” Tommy eyed his brother a moment as he mulled over the situation. “Though, I will say this. You need to start bein’ direct – come right out and ask her on a date, for fuck’s sake. Enough hinting at shit. It’s clearly gettin’ you nowhere.”

You arrived on the Millers’ doorstep bright and early the next morning, two travel mugs of coffee and a container of chocolate milk in hand. A pair of binoculars and Sibley’s Guide to Birds were tucked away in the bag you wore over your shoulder.

“Wakey, wakey, Millers! The early bird gets the worm!”

Joel and Sarah were perched at the breakfast bar when you let yourself in, both looking half awake and less than enthusiastic about being up so early on a Saturday.

“Too damn cheerful for this early,” Joel grumbled half-heartedly. His pitiful smile looked more like a grimace, yet you found it adorable. It made you ache to run your fingers through his hair until you drew a real smile from his lips.

“Don’t gimme that. This was your idea, Joel Miller!” you sassed in return, patting his broad shoulders. “Let’s go!”

Herding cats, that was the perfect analogy to describe the next fifteen minutes as you tried to get the Millers moving and into Joel’s truck. Just when you’d get one heading for the door, the other would disappear. Finally, you managed to wrangle them both into the truck and you were well on your way to the preserve. The ride didn’t take long, Sarah peppering you with questions about birds she found in your guidebook as Joel drove. By the time Joel pulled into a parking spot at the entrance to the trails, everyone was wide awake and ready to hike.

The morning was crisp and refreshing as you zipped up your jacket and looked around. You’d never been to this preserve before and wanted to find a trail map, but the mini-Miller was too anxious to wait for that.

“I can hear the birds chirping already, Daddy! Come on!” Sarah exclaimed, charging toward the first trail excitedly.

Joel beamed as Sarah took off, turning to you before following her. “Ready?” He reached out a hand, palm up and fingers splayed, inviting you to grasp it.

Your eyes trailed from his outstretched hand to his heavy gaze, uncertain of what to make of the signals Joel gave off. The feelings you harbored for the man grew stronger each day, yet you couldn’t quite get a read on whether he shared even a fraction of those feelings. Somedays, you thought he did. Yet others, you figured he thought you had a crush on him and found amusing. Your heart sunk on those days, causing the doubt to linger every time he did something to make you think otherwise.

The moment carried on too long, you realized, as Joel’s warm eyes began to shutter, the tender smile starting to slip. Bolstering your nerves, you plunged ahead and grasped his large hand in yours, tangling your fingers with his thicker ones. His hand was warm, skin roughened from years of working with his hands, and it felt wonderful against your smoother skin.

Heat flashed up your chest and neck as Joel led you down the trail to catch up with Sarah. A broad smile never left your lips as you walked.

“I meant it, you know,” Joel’s deep, gruff voice rumbled from deep in his chest and you glanced up to meet his gaze. “What I said yesterday, about this being a date. If that’s something you’re interested in.”

Heart thumping wildly, your mouth opened and closed a few times before you found your words. “Are you sure? I mean, yes. Yes, I’m interested.” You winced at how flustered you sounded, tripping over your words. And, worse yet, why was your voice so squeaky?

“Never been surer in my life,” Joel confirmed, his gaze searing your skin as he watched you, taking in every minute change in expression. His hand squeezed yours gently, steadying the butterflies in your stomach.

“I would really like that,” you replied breathlessly, relieved to finally have confirmation that the moments between you and Joel weren’t all in your head. You were on Cloud 9 until reality smacked you in the face. “But what about my dad?”

Sarah popped around a copse of live oaks, startling you both from. “Come on, you slow pokes! The birdies aren’t gonna wait all day for us to find them!” Not trusting you both to follow her on your own, the little girl latched on to your hand and pulled you along the trail. “You need to help me find the birds,” Sarah reminded you.

Joel’s hand still clasped in yours, you dragged him behind you, grinning over your shoulder at him. “I’m liking this date already, Joel.”

He beamed back at you. The three of you walked in silence for a bit, listening to the sounds of nature around you. When you spotted a bird blind, you handed Sarah the binoculars and the guidebook, challenging her to identify as many birds as she could from that spot. Joel stood next to you, watching Sarah enjoy the activity.

“Let’s see where this goes first before we worry about your dad,” he murmured. “I’d like to take you on a few dates first, okay?”

It made sense and you nodded, pleased at the way things were working out. Your hand remained in Joel’s throughout the birding adventure and though Sarah never mentioned it, her smile grew wide at the sight.

tbc

p.s. we should start building up to the good stuff in the next chapter.

Taglist: @mellymbee @untamedheart81 @anoverwhelmingdin @runningmom94 @leilanixx @pedropascalfan221 @lovelyjess69 @sarahhxx03 @sofiparallel @tammythr @lulawantmula @islacharlotte @allyourfavesinoneblog @lover-of-books-and-tea @pedropascalsbbg @ashleyfilm @brittmb115 @lilmizmoz @loveisacowboyyy @shotgun-shelby @deninoe @casssiopeia @caitlynsixxx

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel x female reader #the last of us #tlou #dbf!joel #Fall Into Me #pedro pascal #eventual smut #mutual pining #idiots falling for each other

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moinsbienquekaworu · 2 years ago

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Like I think about pensions and retirement and working until I'm in my 60s and I wonder why I would want to be there for it when the only thing that I have to look forward to is shitty work for barely-enough pay for most of my life, up until I finally get to go (if I have my 40 years worth of trimesters) and enjoy life on a pension too small to do anything with. I literally hung out with my best friend today and we made hot chocolate and I think about retirement and suddenly I forget about every good thing in life

#people praising us like all those people in the streets mean anything #like our government gives a singular fuck #like the whole railway system and post aren't going to shit #like there's not less and less place in unis like your whole life doesn't revolve around working shitty jobs #like it's going to do anything #we keep going because you have to but they're not changing it #imagine being 62 and knowing you get to retire in 4 months #those are your last 4 months ever ans then you can go hiking and see the world #you've worked for 40 years. you've got all the paperwork done you know it's all there and you'll get your full pension #you're THIS close #and now you have to pick between two more years or even less money #like. i'm not 21 and i'm still - it's so oppressive when you think about it #my grandfather had a hard job and they paid him early retirement in his early 50s #my dad is his dad's age when he retired but he's got like a decade more to go still #and like he was here for us and he has time for himself too and we don't need riches or anything #but i just - i hate working i hate labour i hate all of it. nobody thinks this should be the point #i'm so.....#yeah #gonna go. i don't know. forget about it and sleep.#wow i have a ramble tag now

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anamelessfool · 26 days ago

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A Naming (part 2 of 5)

Rated Teen, Papa Emeritus II’s Son and Family

Tags: Halloween Hijinks, Eldest Kid Anxiety, Suburban Dad Secondo, Disabled Secondo, Post-Retirement Life, Magic Rituals, My AU with Seocondo being Papa from 2001-2008

CW: Underage Drinking

Paul is at the party. He gets a little too over his head. And he can't completely blame the punch.

Dedicated to @kissingghouls thanks for cheering me on you’re my little Hell Pumpkin🎃 I’m on AO3 with all my other fics but Tumblr gets mad at me when I post links check out #anamelessfool halloween tag for the prev chapter

The first thing Paul noticed when he approached the house party was that he was the only person not in costume. Even the most leather-necked of linebackers attempted something with a Ghostface mask perched on their heads. Everyone around him looked big, capable. He distracted his nerves by typing in his phone.

Paul L: I'm here

Dana: 🙂

Music thudded softly from within as he climbed the stairs. If he didn’t look to either his left or right he could pretend that he was confident about his choice of no costume. Yes, it was some sort of defiant, anti-establishment sort of thing. But they had just witnessed him exit a car driven by his father and piled high with little kids and their sugar-fueled screams, so perhaps the rebel act wasn’t very convincing.

Dana waved from the front door, ushering him in. He darted in like he was escaping some oncoming storm, and she the only chance at rescue. Inside the fairly large house was packed with most of the upperclassmen shouting over some punk rock cover of Monster Mash. “Hey, so happy you’re here.”

“Thanks for inviting me,” he replied, and at once he slowly removed his hands from his hoodie pockets.

“A freshman… You invited a fucking freshman?” Right. Dana wasn’t the only person here. A sour looking boy tossed the hair from his head, his mouth a thin line.

“Relax, he's cool,” said Dana with a small smile. Paul felt a warmth flood his entire body. “He’s most of the orchestra pit.” Dana was the lead role for the fall play. And midway through Act II he could get a clear view of her singing at the front of the stage. She was just as beautiful now, all dolled up in some kind of half-hearted witch getup that gave her the excuse to have glittering goth makeup.

“Yeah well what do you play then?” Asked the older boy.

The better question was what Paul didn't play. His father was a prodigy on piano but dabbled elsewhere. Paul took after his grandfather Nihil, who somehow despite his foggy brain took to every instrument like a duck to water. “Guitar, bass guitar, piano,” Paul listed and his confidence started to crawl back. “All percussion. Some violin. Trumpet. I'm learning saxophone because Mr. Baxter needs one for the Spring show. And…that's it. So far.”

“Wow, no wonder you’re a shut in,” quipped the boy before melting back into the crowd.

“Asshole!” Dana jokingly swatted at him as he left, then turned back to Paul with a wince. “Sorry. Hey. Make yourself at home. Go get some punch, okay?”

“No, he’s right I’m…not really out there…”

“First time for everything, right?” Dana held out her hand and he took it, deciding he’d be okay with dying right then and there. He floated along beside her as she led him to the punch bowl and ladled him a glass. “Just have fun, Paul.”

Yes. He was going to have fun. He didn’t dare want to let her down, and that fifteen foot walk from the foyer to the dining room was one of the greatest things that had ever happened to him. Partygoers wandered in and out around him but their voices were muffled from the pounding in his ears. The music felt miles away, at the bottom of a lake. At last he recognized someone coming towards him, an older kid named Brian who he spent most of his time with in the orchestra pit.

“Yo! You came!” Brian grinned. “No costume?”

“No time.”

“That’s cool. Hey… you want a little…excitement…” Brian whipped out a flask from his jacket, leering.

“I mean um…” Maybe it would do something with his nerves. And he didn't want to spend the rest of his life known as the fucking freshman invited out of pity. He was cool. Talented. Able to hold his liquor. He was supposed to have fun: Dana’s orders. “Um, sure.”

He tipped the punch down his throat, perhaps a little too fast. There was very little burn at all to scold him. As Brian kept talking to him, his mind kept floating away. He squeezed his eyes shut, leaned against the wall but nodded all the same like nothing was the matter. A stupid smile began to creep across his face as Ben talked and kept introducing him to the girls that wandered by. How may Poison Ivy costumes were there? At least five. Or was he meeting the same girl over and over? The red cup creaked in his hand as he held it like some sort of safety rope.

“Since dawn of time the fate of man is that of lice…” His father's voice unmistakably seethed out from the playlist. Paul looked desperately for the exit but the windows and doors swam unsteadily in front of him.

“What, you scared?” asked another girl dressed as Poison Ivy. Yes, he had seen at least three others in the past hour. “It's Ghost, you ever heard of them? You like metal?”

“HELL SATAN! ARCHANGELOOOO!”

“Yeah a little bit,” Paul said. “I don't think they're real metal.”

“His name’s Secondo, actually,” explained the kid who had attached the aux to his phone. “Yeah, he's out. His brother is in. They say now he's a…hey man what’s up with you?”

“Yeah, I know him,” Paul slurred with a slight giggle. “That's my uncle. Haven't seen him much, though.”

The kid peered suspiciously into Paul. “You…know them?”

Paul flashed a fuzzy smile and moments after speaking he wished everything was a dream. “Yeah. The guy singing. He's my dad.”

“What?” yelled the kid, and more party guests wandered over. “What, he's your dad?!”

“He uh…got sick. Retired.”

“He will ascend to the heavens! Above the stars of God! Hell Satan!”

A few phones whipped out from pockets and Paul watched in growing horror how every one of these upperclassmen started typing into search engines. A boy held out his phone and Papa Emeritus II glared out at them all. “This? This…is your dad?”

Paul smiled painfully. He decided never to drink ever again. “Yeah.”

“Yeah, I've seen him around! Holy shit!” A girl laughed and flashed another photo for them all to see: A photo of his father in shades, flanked by two women dressed as sexy nuns. “Is one of these girls your mom?”

“And he like, chops up dead bodies now,” said another kid. “You got dead grandmas in your freezer yeah?”

“Well, uh, my dad doesn't chop up the bodies, that's my mom’s job—” This was going nowhere, but the spiked punch made Paul plod on. “Yeah there's um a big difference between mortician and funeral director ya know my dad sorta just handles the documents….for the state….” He ended his statement with a careful sip.

“Holy shit this kid is a fucking riot.”

More partiers began surrounding him, and through his dizziness he was completely certain they were there to laugh at him. Voices swam in and out.

“Who’s that? Oh yeah, the gravedigger kid…”

“Wait, have you seen the music video? And your Dad was in that? Dude there were naked chicks in that video dude!”

“Yeah, uh…I guess…yeah…” Paul was ready to die. He waited for some holy lightning bolt to come down from on high, but if anyone noticed that his own mother was also featured in that video he would do the job himself.

The Aux kid was fully grinning. “That’s amazing dude, amazing, he’s literally Satan, dude—“

“He’s sorta boring, actually,” Paul threw in. His solo cup was thoroughly demolished. The sugar mixing with the alcohol was making his stomach turn. Perhaps vomiting would deflect all of this attention to the more ordinary embarrassment of destroying someone’s living room carpet.

“That means he knows spells.” Dana emerged from the shadows, flanked by some equally attractive friends. Her black lips pursed as her heavily-shadowed eyes gleamed. “If he's the devil he knows spells, right?”

“It's not real,” stammered Paul. Her gaze made him weak. “Well…it's…sorta real…”

“Real? It's all fucking real, no way! Have you seen him do spells?!”

Every morning, an odd musical chant. Every evening, another droning mantra. The man would not shut up about the weather and piles of his journals were scattered around the house. No flicks of wands or fairy dust or leaping demons. No fireballs or bursts of healing light. Just the sound of his father droning syllables and a disgusting collection of animal skulls and jars filled with rusted nails and weird smells. “Yeah, I guess…” And of course, Paul would not shut up. He could not, with how everyone was paying attention to him. He had to get out of this. And the only way out was through. “I can do them too, you know.”

***

Sandra was snuggled up on the couch with the on-call phone when Paul returned.

“How was it? So happy you went.” On the television two men chained in a filthy bathroom argued and came to the realization that yes, one of them would have to amputate.

“It was alright. Any…calls?”

“No, just little ol’ me alone,” Sandra replied, sitting up. “And Ed checking in to tell me the guys brought all the kid cousins out for a late dinner.” She rubbed her eyes, refocusing on the men screaming on the television. “The sequels didn’t compare to this one. Gratuitous. Real fear is all just head games, ya know? It’s all just…in the mind.”

“Yeah well, good night then.” Paul hugged her then walked down the hallway, glancing quickly back as he passed the door to his room and silently slipped into the office.

Secondo always kept a lamp softly illuminated in the corner. Paul moved soundlessly across the beige carpet to arrive at the TV hutch. His fingers trembled as he gently untangled the red ribbon across the knobs. Secondo was miles away surrounded by screaming children in a busy pizza place but still Paul was certain he’d hear the smallest disturbance. Maybe not his flesh and blood father but the Eye would.

The hutch opened and light shone across the crystal skull in its nest of dead flowers. The strong scent of frankincense and charcoal wafted across him, fleeing into the air like a freed spirit. In Paul’s heightened mind everything inside seemed much more foreign and terrifying than usual. Some sort of large, milk-white snake floated in a jar in the far back. There were stacks of rocks, rose petals in a stone urn before bundles of feathers arranged in a bouquet. A few mummified hawk claws hung on a string. Daggers were arranged like surgical instruments on top of a rabbit skin. A series of small journals were crammed where a VCR should go. And buried deep within, the golden goat head of Baphomet peered from behind a collection of railroad spikes, their arm raised as if scolding him for daring to do all this.

The topic of the admonishment was not necessarily betraying his father’s trust. The deepest shame the statue bestowed on Paul as he rummaged around it was the fact that all of this trespassing was done in the name of impressing some mortals the boy decided was worth the cost.

Paul knew his father barely worked with every material in his collection, but he had to make a good impression. His new friends wanted to see some magic, so a decent show of arcane wisdom was essential. He chose a thin deer’s tibia as his wand. An oddly shaped chunk of rainbow obsidian would make a decent centerpiece. He collected some chalk into his hoodie pockets along with a few dried rose petals and a black candle.

Now for the book. Paul was so distracted with worrying about his plan that he hadn’t really sat down and considered exactly what kind of magic he’d actually want to do. There were too many books on the shelves for him to skim through in the small scrap of time he had before his mother checked on him. He struggled to unwedge one of his father’s journals from the VCR shelf, and at last he had a sample of what he actually could do.

The front of the journal was dated: Oct 1999- March 2000. Inside was a mishmash of charts, sketches and the impeccable script handwriting of Secondo himself. Beautiful, but incomprehensible. Long strings of text were arranged in lattices, grids, and atop each other in a flurry of swirling ink. Some pages were perfectly mirrored, others held odd anagram symbols and ciphers.

All In all beautiful, but worthless.

There was not a whole lot of time. Dave was waiting down the street with everyone in the car and he had to think fast. Paul knew that luck and destiny were huge components to magic rituals so perhaps the book he picked out was the one that he needed to use. He’ll figure out which page later. He tucked the journal into his back jeans pocket and closed the hutch, carefully retying the red ribbon to the best of his memory. He turned to go and his father’s framed diploma fell off its nail and onto the floor.

Paul sucked in a breath. Nothing in here was an accident. Everything had magical Significance. He picked up the frame, staring past the large crack on the glass: …conferred upon MICHAEL LEIDER The degree of MORTUARY SCIENCE AND FUNERAL SERVICES. Paul returned it to its nail, apologizing to the piece of paper before sneaking out the room once more.

After climbing out his bedroom window Paul met up with the car of kids waiting for him. They squeezed him in the back between the door and an athletic junior boy, who leered at him as Paul attempted to get on his seatbelt. It was Dana’s warm smile from the passenger’s front seat that finally calmed his nerves.

“I thought you lived at the funeral home,” A boy stuffed in the opposite corner of the backseat called across the car.

The car lurched forward and Paul gave up on finding the seatbelt buckle. “Nobody lives there, my mom’s family owns the place.”

“So like, you ever see a ghost there?” The boy beside him had eager bright eyes but his breath absolutely stank.

“Well, everyone there is dead so like their soul’s moved on somewhere else so there really wouldn’t be any… y’know, ghosts—“

“Come on,” chided a kid from the hatchback trunk. He reached out and grabbed Paul by the shoulders, the other boy beside him hooting.

“Fine, yeah, I did see a ghost.” Paul’s voice was terse as he stared hard at the road. He had been mostly sober for an hour now, psychically punching himself for ever getting involved in a caper this stupid. Too late now. “It was…some old woman. By the freezers. She had old time clothes on.”

The reverent awe that descended on the kids in the car would have made a past version of himself swell with pride. But now he just felt sick.

A little too sick.

Like it? Reblog it! Thank you!

Next chapter is in comments!

#ghost band fic #domestic fic #halloween fic #papa emeritus ii #dad secondo #ghost scenes from the void #my art #anamelessfool halloween

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ilyfynn · 1 month ago

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its a beautiful life. fynn hits 100k written this year. it's been a long journey and i thank everyone who has ever even clicked onto a work of mine. its difficult, sometimes, being stupid and a writer simultaneously. ignore the low numbers im a small fandom writer and i have a nother account ok

similarly, my mcsrtober also reached 1k hits which makes it my first fic with 1k hits yay thank you <3

highlights below. im gonna ramble ofc i am

swallow's mate. yeah its not the longest fic ever but i put so much time and effort and i am so so so so so so so proud of it and will always be. the world is a river of crackling chaos and i am the vengeance that simmers inside it

hiraeth. YES I WILL FINISH IT ONE DAY. ITS GOT REALLY NICE LORE. being the first bigger project i've tried to write since i unretired from mcsr, i adored being able to a) worldbuild and b) WRITE IN CHAPTERS. its so hard to write fics in one go my patience wears itself out

lappel du vide. you know nothing about lappel yet. you know nothing, but the plan was like 4k words and now you know something. boy do i have things planned for these stupid ranked runners. the darkness came when doogile was just a boy, after all

mcsrtober. im not as proud of my mcsrtober because i like editing things over and over and over again and mcsrtober simply doesnt allow the time for that. however i think i cooked really hard on some of the prompts and the ones yet to come (peepocute banger one on the 26th i think). like day 2. a full-on 4+1 fic. beautiful

there's a lot to come, i think. theres so many thoughts and not enough time to express them, and im only going to get more and more busy from now on. it's going to be walright. you know, theres a cool thing called a winter big bang, and the word count is projected to be around 18k...and its a oneshot...........................

then i can retire from writing longfics in one go and go back to chaptered becuase WOW chaptered is easier. AHHHHHHH

thank you for reading. this and all my fics. thank you @goober890 (i would be a liar if i didnt say i tried to tag ur ao3 😭) for being the first ever member of the fynn fanclub. thank you @bioluminescentfrog for putting up with me through the whole process of the fics to come. its been - not quite a long journey, but an eventful one all the same. from one mongey to another, i salute all of you.

#fynn rambles #fynn's fanfic #THANKS. ITS BUEATIUFL. I WIL ESPLODE #I DIDNT MEAN TO GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS #and if anyone for some inexplicable reason wants to hear more of this yapping then hmu #its been a year a year a year #and im going to hit mroe than 100k #i can remember setting the goal clear as day at teh start of it all #next year im aiming for 150k. no excuses. my summer is going to be beautiful #the summer wind is a call from the sea... and i am the guy on the sand.. staring out into the waves.. what a world. what a world #how the tides change.. how the words cry my name #im better than i ever was. i'm not washed. i'm not any worse than i was back all those days ago when i first started to post #do you hear me? do you see me? can you feel the lull of the past pushing us further and further into the future? i know i can.#i know i can #and forever winter will come.. and l'appel... and all of the others one by one by one #watch me... i am a person not a ghost; my sentences speak the story that went untold #!isitoktoprojectontoa21yearoldturkishspeedrunner #SORRY I JUST HAD TO BREAK THE DESCRIPTIVE ANGST. GOING BACK TO PROJECTING ONTO THE 21 YEAR OLD TURKISH SPEEDRUNNER ASAP

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greentrickster · 9 months ago

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Had the most amazing experience on Saturday. Was dropping off a couple plush mages to the store that sells them for me downtown, because a couple had sold over the past few weeks and I try to be a good supplier.

It only takes a few minutes and I'd already paid for parking, so I decided to linger and look around the shop a bit, because it's a cool place where there's always a chance something new has arrived if you haven't been there for over a week. It's fantastic. If you told me there was some actual magic in this place I'd believe you, and I've been in the employees-only area.

Which is why I was present, leafing curiously through a book on the making of the movie Chicken Run, to hear a guy behind me loudly proclaim, "Forty dollars for this?! I could make this!" I'm aware that the things in this store can be pricy, but also that a lot of the stock is made by local crafters, like me, meaning prices can be a bit higher due to the fact that you're getting something hand-crafted instead of mass-produced. So I turn around to see what he's complaining about.

And this guy is holding a wooden wand that is unique, one-of-a-kind, hand-crafted from solid wood. All things I know at a glance because, as it happens, I'm not the only person in my family who sells stuff at this store... my dad does as well. And he's the one who made that wand.

Now here's the thing. My dad's part of the local woodturner's group, wood turning being a method of carving that involves spinning a chunk of wood on a high-speed lathe while holding a bit of sharp metal against it until it turns into a wand, bowl, cup, vase, what-have-you. It's a highly-skilled craft that requires a lot of practice and and specialized tools, which he picked up after retiring but before going back to work, and he's been practicing and perfecting the required skills for at least fifteen years. If he likes (and he does like), he can get a wooden sphere carved and polished to such a sheen and smoothness that it both reflects the light and feels like plastic, which is highly impressive on a technical scale and extremely disconcerting on a tactile one.

And this guy just said one of his pieces wasn't worth the price on the tag because 'he could do it too.' Which, as any crafter knows, is not the sort of statement fellow crafters make at volume.

Now, I'm a reasonable sort of trickster. As I said, my dad's part of a woodturning group, I'm well-aware that there genuinely are other people in this area who are as skilled as, if not more skilled than, my dad. Maybe he's just a skilled creep or disagrees with the pricing. So I turn to the guy and go, "Oh? It took my dad a couple years to learn how to make those."

To which he smiles at me and asks if I know what kind of wood the wand is made of.

"Purple Heart."

"Wow, you really know your stuff!"

I stare at him for a moment, because 1) Purple Heart wood is literally the easiest wood to identify on the planet because, as the name suggests, it's actually purple, which is a thing woods generally are not. And also 2) he has apparently not grasped that the reason I know this is because my father made the thing he is holding.

I do not say these things. Instead I clue him in on the situation he's in by saying, "Yes, my dad made that wand."

"Oh. Um. Thank-you!" he holds out his hand.

I look at the hand, then at him. "For what?"

"For your dad!"

...

...I do not shake his hand, and I'm beginning to suspect that this guy does, indeed, not have any clue what he's talking about when he said he could make this himself. But I could be wrong. He could just be socially awkward, I get that. So time for the final question. With a polite smile that no customer yet has been able to tell is completely fake, I ask, "Are you part of the local woodturner's group?"

"The what?"

"The local woodturner's group," I repeat, "My dad turned that wand by hand, on a lathe."

Guy, smiling, about to seal his own fate, "Ah. That is a tool I do not have."

Me, also smiling, because he's just proven beyond all shadow of a doubt that no he could not, in fact, make it himself. "Mm. And that's why it costs forty dollars."

You know, he didn't have anything to say to that?

Put a bit of a spring in my step as I left.

#my life #crafting woes #crafting community #vengeance is mine #wood turning #also just to be clear #any lathe worth using is going to set you back WELL past $40 even before you get to the rest of the tools and safety equipment you need #and that's without even getting into the time and material investment it takes to be able to make stuff with them

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howlingday · 1 year ago

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Dr. Jägermutter

Salem: Guten tag. I am Dr. Jägermutter, und zis... is my resume.

Jaune: (Reading) "Freelance huntsman business consultant and motivational coach." Hm... I don't know. Money's tight enough as it is-

Salem: I vork pro-bono.

Jaune: You're hired! ...Once I figure out what pro bobo means.

---------------------------------------------------

Salem: Your financial status is an unfortunate case, but you must not let it limit yourself. To overcome zis, you vill need a full-time staff.

Jaune: Whoa...

Salem: (Gestures to the full-time staff) As you can see, gazering retired huntsmen togezer for a common goal is a bit of a skill of mine.

Jaune: Wait, but who's paying for them?

Salem: Ze Kingdom vill. Zey are all part of a vork-rehabilitation program. I call zem, "ze Knight Angels." Get it? Knight? Night?

Jaune: No, no, I get it, but this is all just so much at once...

Nora: Jaune! We found some Grimm tearing down the forest!

Ren: Very unusual for Grimm.

Pyrrha: Everyone stay calm. We'll rally together so we can-

Salem: Zer is no need. Zose vere not Grimm, but ants. Ants building und expanding upon your leader's empire.

Ren: That's... a lot to take in.

Jaune: Right?

Nora: Wow! You're like some kind of magic girl!

Salem: Nein. You are ze magic girl! (Pulls lien out of Nora's ear)

Nora: WOW!

Salem: (Places it in Nora's palm) Here you go. I suggest you place zat into a high-yield mutual fund.

Salem: (Turns away) Now if you'll excuse me, I have much vork to do.

---------------------------------------------------

Salem: Ladies und gentlemen, esteemed members of ze Schnee Dust Company, Mistrali Spiders, und Torchvick gang, I have read our demands regarding Jaune Arc's tuition, und your grievances in his tardiness to repay zem.

Lil Miss: And what the hell's it to you?

Salem: A minor inconvenience zat will be remedied shortly, if you vill allow me.

Jacques: Where the hell is Jaune Arc then?!

Salem: I vill be representing Herr Arc in zese matters.

Roman: What- Who the hell are you?!

Salem: I am Dr. Salem Jägermutter, und zis is my magic murder hand. (Opens palm, Closes) So, zere is a deal on ze table. Any takers?

JLR: (Dust and ash)

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Oscar: E-E-EVICTED?! But Jaune said I was-

Salem: Herr Arc has more important tasks ahead of him und cannot be saddled by raising children. Might I suggest you stay mit Team RWBY, or stay in ze local orphanage?

Oscar: No! I don't want to-!

Salem: Zese are grown-up matters, child. Or should I say... Ozma?

Ozpin: (Shifts) Wait a moment... There's... There's something familiar about you. Almost as if... as if... Ngh...

Salem: Oho...

Salem: YOUR POWERS ARE USELESS ON ME, YOU SILLY BILLY...

Ozpin: NGH... NGH... NNNNNNGAAAH! (Falls)

Salem: You have until noon tomorrow to vacate ze premises.

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Ruby: And she just kicked Oscar out! Like she owns the place!

Pyrrha: I know, and I don't like it either, but... (Sighs) She won't let me get anywhere near Jaune. Says I'm a "weak" influence on him. Honestly, I would have done something sooner if it wasn't for Ren and Nora. They're really grown on her.

---------------------------------------------------

Salem: (Outside) Vere's Nora~?

Nora: (Giggling, Sneaking around)

---------------------------------------------------

Salem: So, vat did ve learn?

Ren: Uh... I learned that even though the Grimm destroyed my village, it was the bandit attacks nearby that brought them there.

Salem: Und vat vas learned?

Ren: That... humans are worse than Grimm?

Salem: Mm... It's a start.

---------------------------------------------------

Salem: (Hands Nora a knife, Points) Zis man stole from your leader! Teach him vat is ze meaning of loyalty!

Nora: (Timidly approaches with a knife)

Salem: Vould you prefer ze hammer?

---------------------------------------------------

Ruby: That's... really weird.

Pyrrha: I agree, but she says she has a PhD in Child Psychology, so... I can't really argue with her.

---------------------------------------------------

Jaune: I'm sorry, I just don't understand what you're saying.

Salem: I vas very clear; you cannot become ze leader you vish to be mitout confronting your deep-rooted fear of success! Now get into ze bag!

Jaune: ...What's in it?

Salem: Only vat you take mit you.

Jaune: (Steps in) Uh, okay? I'm, uh, standing in the bag.

Salem: ARE YOU?.

Jaune: Wait... This... This is my old kitchen back home! (Looks at Pumpkin Pete box) Oh, and here's Pumpkin Pete!

Jaune: Wait, I thought I was fixing my soul, or something? Ms.- Er, Dr. Jägermutter? Hello?

Papa Arc: Hey there, Jaune! (Wearing boxers) You're up pretty early, huh?

Jaune: (Kid) I couldn't sleep. You and Mommy were fighting again.

Papa Arc: Oh, uh, no, we weren't fighting, we were just, uh... sparring. Say, whatcha eatin there?

Jaune: (Turn) Pumpkin Pete! If Bunnerific-! (Gasps, Turns away from massive dong) B-But I don't think I like the pumpkin flavor.

Papa Arc: Yeah, I prefer the Peachy Patty, myself. She's such a cute bunny.

Jaune: (Regular age, Shutting his eyes) Blueberry Barry is my favorite, too, but he's supposed to be a bad guy... (Peeks) AGH! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?! (Gulps, Slowly turns)

Salem: (Papa Arc's penis) This is the moment where your feelings of inadequacy first began to develop; when your father's status changed from role model and hero to rival and tormentor! (Tentacles envelop Jaune) WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Jaune: (Closes his eyes, Kid) Ngh! Rgh! P-Pyrrha, help!

Pyrrha: (Goddess appearance) I'm coming, Jaune!

Salem: NO! Do not call out to Pyrrha to save you! She and your father are the very reason you are trapped here, doomed to die with your dreams in this damnable tomb!

Jaune: (Opens his eyes, Sees Grimm RWBY)

Salem: Defeat these creatures of the dark! Fear! Self-loathing! Stinkin'-thinkin'! Und dilly-dallying! FREE YOURSELF! DESTROY THIS TEMPLE OF FAILURE!

Jaune: AAAAAAAGH! (Blinding flash of light, Standing before two marble statues)

Papa Arc: Jaune? What was that noise?

Salem: (Behind Jaune) The colossi will crush and continue to subjugate you unless you fight back! Kill them! Kill them and assume your rightful role as Leader!

Pyrrha: Jaune, let us help you.

Salem: (Transforms into a sword) DO IT! SLAY THEM WHERE THEY STAND! (Slashing about, Kills Pyrrha and Papa Arc)

Jaune: I... I did it... (Nugget hits his head) Oh! (Eats it)

Salem: (Pats his back) Ze son has become ze fazher, und ze pupil has become ze master. Rejoice, as your kingdom avaits.

Jaune: (Shoveling nuggies into his craw, Smiling)

Ruby: (Sneaks in, Steals nuggies)

Salem: Aaaaah, but who is zis tiny girl, stealing from your kingdom vat is yours?

Jaune: (Coughs, Chokes on nuggies)

Salem: (Places wallet in Jaune's mouth) Careful. Careful. (Jaune spits it out) Clearly, your experience vas so traumatizing, zat you had a seizure.

Jaune: (Covers himself) B-B-BUT WHY AM I NAKED?!

Salem: Because you have been reborn! Und your old clothes vill no longer fit you. (Reveals box) But zese vill... Und I vill need my vallet back.

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Jaune: (Wearing black armor with silver trim)

Salem: Zis suit vas hand-crafted by myself, using your measurements. Ze spandex should comfortably expand following your new vorkout routine.

Jaune: (Looks in the mirrors, Hums) Ya know what? I like it!

Salem: Ah~! (Sits, Covers her face) Es tut mir leid, I... I have become ze proud mama... (Crying, Clasps hands) I LOVE MEIN JOB~!

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Jaune: Ow! Why did you cut my hand?!

Salem: Much like how a fish needs gills to svim, a man such as yourself needs ink to write.

Jaune: Yeah, but blood? (Sighs) Whatever. What am I signing for anyways?

Salem: Your are signing to join an elite brother- und sisterhood of associates dedicated to ze destruction of mankind's truest enemy.

Jaune: Oh... Wow... Anyone I might know?

Salem: Oh, ja, (Flips page) you certainly do.

Jaune: Wait, but that's Ruby! She's my best friend!

Salem: Indeed! It is a classic friends to enemies tale!

Jaune: But that doesn't make any sense! Ruby can't be my enemy! She isn't even a-!

Jaune: (Looks at himself) Oh my god. This is... B-But I'm not-!

Salem: Aren't you?! You've lied! You cheated! You've stolen, und you have survived! Iz zis not what your heat vas telling you in your visions?! SIGN IT! BECOME WHO YOU VERE ALVAYS MEANT TO BE! KNIGHT ANGELS ARE STANDING BY FOR YOUR ORDERS! ASCEND!

Jaune: (Gulps)

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Pyrrha: (Kicks down the door) RUBY!

Ruby: AGH! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Pyrrha: Have you seen Jaune?!

Jaune: (Sitting on the bed) I'm right here.

Ruby: He's been sitting on my bed for, like, an hour, and hasn't said a word since.

Jaune: Pyrrha, am I... a bad leader?

Ruby: I don't think so. Pyrrha?

Pyrrha: ...Um, w-well, you, uh, have your faults, but ultimately, uh, well-

Nora: Yup!

Ren: Nora!

Pyrrha: Jaune, where's Dr. Jägermutter?

Jaune: Gone. I... I told her I appreciated the work she put in, but that I wasn't... that what she offered just wasn't for me.

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Salem: All of ze world's a stage, und ze men und vemen in it are merely players.

Tyrian: Ha ha! You said it! And you can learn more in The Bible!

#rwby #the venture bros #salem #jaune arc #pyrrha nikos #lie ren #nora valkyrie #oscar pine #ozpin #ruby rose #papa arc #tyrian callows

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