#<- this for personal art because i like making things hard for myself

[felassan]

David Gaider on Fenris, under a cut for length:

"Fenris. Now, DA2 is a story all on its own but I'm not going to go there other than to sum it up as "we had just over a year and a half to make this". It's why I only wrote one follower, Fenris, and although it'll make his fans mad: I probably shouldn't have. Let me explain. The way we'd approach making the followers is brainstorming a list of concepts covering first the array of gameplay classes (and sub-classes) and then making sure they each have some skin in the game when it came to the story's conflicts - ideally having characters on both sides of the major ones. Why? You can't make a player care about the world, but you can make them care about characters who care about the world. It's the easiest way to provide hooks into a conflict, outside of it knocking on the player's door. Heck, it's probably better than that. Players will burn the world for approval. After that, we'd decide things like romances/sexuality. Then the writers would pick who they'd write. I always let my writers pick first. I figured they do their best work when it's something they're inspired to write... and they got so few chances at ownership, I wanted to give it whenever I could It's why I (reluctantly) let Patrick wrest Cole from my grasp in DAI, a character I'd created in Asunder. It's also why I let Jennifer take Anders in DA2, who I'd started in Awakening. In this instance, it meant I was left with the angry elven warrior character who nobody else appeared to want."

"It should have been my first clue that something was up. The second was how the artists had zero clue what to do with him. The art concepts were all over the place - from mages to crows to... well, even weirder. No matter how hard I tried to explain the idea, the artists simply didn't seem to get it Does this mean he was a bad character? Not exactly. Just an idea that probably deserved some re-examining. You can tell when an idea has a certain spark, and part of that is being easy to communicate. Sadly, there wasn't time for any re-examining even if it'd occurred to me. And it didn't, not yet. If it had, if I had time, maybe I'd have re-booted him as a templar. Someone pro-templar rather than anti-mage, who could give a personal hook into Meredith and give the templars some badly-needed humanity. But this falls into the shoulda-woulda-coulda category. I had a follower to write. Quickly. I struggled, at first. It was hard to get away from "Fenris hates everything, all the time". It felt very one-note, and I didn't know where to take him. My third clue, I guess. I also wasn't sure if I was the right person to write a former slave. I did know that couldn't be the center of his story. I did know trauma, however. How it can eat you up. How the hate and resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. How it can infect your relationships. Fenris's trauma isn't my trauma, obviously, but here I dipped into a more personal part of myself than I'd ever done before."

"It gave me the center of his story I was missing, but wow was it uncomfortable. In a good way, maybe. I likely wouldn't have, if I hadn't been so desperate. In a way, I think DA2 had some of our best writing *because* of the timeline. It was raw, with little time to sand down the interesting parts. I wouldn't have done the "Fenris doesn't talk to you for three years" thing if I'd known we were going to cut all the reactivity initially planned for the time jumps. When that call was made, I campaigned to cut the jumps to a year, but there was no time for the revisions it'd need. So, um. Awkward. I used to get asked where the name came from, and I... don't remember? Obviously it's derived from Fenrir, but I don't recall why we picked that. Someone pointed at Fenris the Feared from Joe Abercrombie's books... and I did read them, so maybe the name lodged in my head? Wouldn't be the first time. Casting Fenris turned out to be easy. He was the first time I requested a specific VA and got him. (The other times were Merrill and then Solas, my two "I want these specific Welsh actors, please".) Why? OK, if you must know, I'd played a bit of Final Fantasy XII. I heard Balthier. "Yes, that." 😅 And Gideon Emery was a delight, as it turned out. Consummate professional, and that lovely gravel in his voice... good god. Bite the knuckles. There was a struggle to find the voice at the outset where I did my best not to say "just pls do Balthier" but he found Fenris on his own and it was amazing. Overall, Fenris turned out better than he had any right to, considering the rocky start. He had a lot of soul, a vulnerability forged by pain that struck a chord with a lot of players, and I'm glad. Do I regret anything? Probably having him live in a corpse-filled mansion that would never update. That's a hindsight thing, though, as again the cut to reactivity over the time jumps came late. Outside of that, maybe letting the player give him back to Danarius? Poor shock value and a waste of resources because almost nobody took the option. Good evil options are ones that are tempting to take. And the lyrium tattoos. Interesting concept, but they're probably why you'll never see Fenris in a future DA. He requires a custom body, and the tattoos make that expensive. It's why I put Fenris in my 4th DA novel - the cancelled one. Don't fret, though. He died in it, so this way he lives on. 😉"

[source thread]

User: "Wait wait how does he die in [the cancelled novel]??" David Gaider: "Gloriously, after taking up a cause he didn't believe in at first but then made his own, one that allowed him to rediscover what it meant to be elven." [source] David Gaider: "I’m not sorry about the novel cancellation. I’m the one who cancelled it. I am kinda sad we couldn’t make it work, though. Considering it was after I left the DA team, it would have been my final DA hurrah." [source] David Gaider: "From my perspective, it was kind of "well if you're never going to use him again, let me at least give him a proper send off" and the story required a glorious death... but I get that's not the story his biggest fans would want (which is Hawke + Fenris 4ever), so it's just as well." [source]

User: "You all did some incredible work with such a tight deadline" David Gaider: "I'm of the opinion that even if we'd had only another six months to bake, DA2 would be remembered as a classic and not either a flawed gem or underbaked sequel, depending on who you ask." [source]

David Gaider: "Just to clarify the "they're probably why you'll never see Fenris" thing, as it's spawned commentary: 1. It's the reasoning as was explained to me back then. 2. Obviously, if Bio *really* wanted to, they'd find a way around it. But it was a complication that meant he couldn't be included casually." [source]

[buildingunderstanding]

This is something I've been thinking a lot about, especially as someone who was raised Christian, who was raised under "thou shalt have no other gods" before me and "these other Pagan gods mentioned in the Bible or other myths don't exist at all".

"Worship" as a word and as a concept holds a lot of weight in the flavor of Christianity I was raised in. I was taught that actively choosing to go to work over being at church was an act of worship of money, but I was also taught that a lot of the ways Evangelicals or Pentecostals worship is incorrect, that it didn't count as worship because of how performative it is.

I was taught that worship should be personal and intimate and meant a personal relationship with God, but also that it had strict requirements, but thinking about it, I have a hard time defining what those requirements were.

In more recent years prior to my leaving the church worship was defined in sermons as "to ascribe worth or value to" and to be honest that scared and confused me. Was I worshiping my art because I found value in it? Was I worshipping my fandoms and fics because they brought me comfort and I held them as dear in my heart?

I didn't believe I could lose my salvation, but it did make me feel like a bad Christian. It made me feel like there was nothing I could ever do that would be enough to be worshiping God correctly or enough.

Then I met Loki and Apollo reintroduced himself to me and I found comfort in the idea of there not being a concept of sin. But I still struggle with the concept of worship.

If I was doing it right, if I was doing enough of it, if the things I did "counted", if I would be punished by the Christian God for trying to figure this out under the umbrella of Paganism.

Worship has kind of become a scary word for me and I often find myself looking for alternative ways to describe my relationship with these other deities. Oddly enough, "devotee" sounds less scary to me than "worshiper". It doesn't carry the emotional baggage that "worshipper" does and it feels more true somehow. I have candles I light and jewelry I wear that I have "devoted" or gifted to my new Gods. I have art that I have created with them in mind that hang on my walls that I consider to be gifts to them.

And while those things can be considered acts of worship...that's still a word that I'm trying to unpack. Some days it feels less icky or scary than other days. Today is a day where it feels scary.

It feels more comfortable to say that I lit a candle to honor Ares than it does to say that I did it in an act of worship. It feels more comfortable to say that I am holding space for these new deities than it does to say that I am worshiping them.

I understand that there are likely dictionary definitions behind the differentiation of the words, and maybe some people find comfort in having different words to describe how their relationships with the gods has evolved.

But for me it just adds pressure of there being a "correct" way to interact with faith, of doing worship in The Right Way or it won't count, or it'll be in vain and won't be accepted.

(I understand that there is to some extent correct ways of interacting with the divine, coming with respect and understanding and those types of things. That's not the type of correctness I mean.)

That type of fear isn't conducive to building a relationship.

I know it's up to me to curate my experience within the internet spaces, I know my struggle with words and concepts are my own and that I can't expect anyone to cater to my own issues. But sometimes seeing these sort of "being devoted to a deity is so much more than worship" is really disheartening. Kinda makes me feel like I'm back in Christianity being given vague and simultaneously very strict rules of what worship is and being warned against doing it incorrectly and earning at best silence from God and at worst some form of punishment.

There is a lot of unpacking and deconstructing I have to do and Loki and Apollo and Artemis have already been so helpful in that area and I want to continue on this journey, but it does get overwhelming at times. Some of that overwhelm does come from debates like this.

Where did the idea of worshiper and devotee being in different levels of worship? Those are literally synonyms lol

[suddencolds]

a personal milestone 🥳 + author's note

i finally made it 😭 (there is probably another 10k sitting in my drafts, but i have always tracked word count for this project as a sum of already-published installments)

also a (somewhat long) journal entry below:

—

This has been the main project in my life for almost two years, now (I started writing on 1.26.2023). It's my first proper attempt at a novel, and it's one of my first times ever posting original work anywhere 😭

It's hard to say how I feel now, perhaps because I feel too much.

Where to go from here? I considered dropping the series entirely before I hit the milestone because I was very tired. In a way, I felt like I had said everything I wanted to say. But I think I also love this series a lot more than I can properly verbalize.

To be completely honest, writing this series was so lonely. To work for so long on something that I could not show to nearly anyone irl (not family, not close friends, not peers, not strangers I met who I talked to about art); to spend hundreds of hours on something that I could only ever post to a small subset of people... all of that was very lonely. I'm sure other creatives have felt this way too.

And at the same time, hearing what people on snzblr thought became probably the most potent source of happiness in my life (is that pathetic? Maybe so.) I don't think this project was self-sustaining at all; I think to some extent, I wrote it because I wanted to hear people tell me that they liked it. I realize this is a terrible and unsustainable reason to create art, but that's the truth.

On some level, though, I kept writing because I loved Y+V. They've been at the forefront at my life for almost two years now 😭 I spent a long time teaching myself how to write them, and a lot of the themes & choices in the series are quite personal. Embarrassingly, I still want to talk about Y+V all the time.

When I posted to ask if I could send my unfinished/unpolished WIPs, some people reached out to offer to read them... and then I never sent anything over to anyone. I think a part of me could not get it through my head that people would be willing to read something completely unpolished, because... well, frankly, a lot of my drafts are just pretty unreadable; I typically only post things that I have already cleaned up. More importantly, I felt like sending my drafts to people—even people who had given me explicit permission to send them!—was selfish and troublesome.

On some level, I also felt the same about asking others to brainstorm with me: I felt like I was asking them a favor which I did not know how to pay back. Perhaps this is just another way in which I have been cruel/uncharitable to myself, but I never imagined people enjoying receiving my drafts. I could never convince myself that for those people, giving feedback/discussing ideas might not actually be a chore. I was always scared to make writing less of a lonely process because I could only think about how easy it would be for me to ask too much.

This is probably the most honest I've been about this particular subject 😭 I am not good at gauging what constitutes 'too much.' I feel like I can get carried away when someone expresses interest, so I try to preemptively position myself as someone who does not impinge on others... I think that even outside of this series, I have defaulted to this pattern of trying to give and trying not to ask. In that particular sense, I am perhaps to blame for my own loneliness.

Anyways! Recently, I've gone back to (tentatively) writing after months of not writing. I'm not sure if I will post another installment here (maybe if the drafts are 'good enough', I will?), but it's nice to write without worrying so much that what I am writing needs to be publishable/presentable.

If you have ever left tags/comments on my work, and you are reading this, I am grateful beyond words to you for keeping me company + for making me feel like what I was spending so much time on was a little more meaningful :') I always go back to reread them when I'm in need of encouragement. Thank you sincerely for the happiness. ❤️

[moonstruckdraws]

Flowers & Stinging

still life I just did in two hours

I think this is technically the first post of artwork I've made that doesn't include my sona or anything else from/inspired by those I know, and isn't fan art.

Huh.

[puppyeared]

sleight doodley before i go to bed <3

[potatobugz]

i submitted my lovely mouseboy Finnegan for the @ahatintime-oc-competition yesterday :D here is the art i drew 4 them!

for those unaware: he came from a dream i had once involving him and Snatcher But As A Bird; and i sorta just. added onto them from there. they're so sillay

[mercyluvsyouuu]

People when fucked up media is actually Fucked Up and not just "haha silly little gremlin makes SEX JOKE?!?!🤯 so DEVIOUS..."

[j-esbian]

does anyone else feel like they need to Make Fan Content That Is Also Good And Interesting in order to make/keep internet friends so as to be worth other people’s time

[magpiesketchins]

✨art✨

[ladsofsorrow24]

one of the... weirdly good thing about AI art invading the illustration field is that now, whenever i look at art that doesn't cater to my weird fucking taste, i'm able to appreciate the efforts and creativity that are put into making the artist's own personal vision come to life

[01tsubomi]

i'm taking the jlpt this sunday and had a stress dream last night abt it bc it sort of snuck up on me and now it's kind of a question of how much my actual japanese abilities will carry me (versus if i should've been cramming on flashcards this past month) but the listening portion is far simpler conversation than my coworkers and i have so. i think that maybe instead of "damn i should've been studying japanese" my perspective should just be "i speak japanese"

[highwaydiamonds]

Not a resolution - just maybe a bit of hope and intention to start out the year

[caffeinatedopossum]

I feel like I'll never be a good artist because of my aphantasia

[bfpierce]

.

[theabigailthorn]

any philosophy on surviving fascism? or building local power?

I'm going to start by staying alive, and then I'm going to look around my local community and see what charities are working in the area that I might be able to help out with. I'm gonna give more money to the homeless. I'm probably going to speak less and listen more, for a while. I'm going to pay even closer attention to grocery store prices. I'm going to make art, even if it's not as big and grandiose as I would like to, and try to dedicate myself to the creative principles of it rather than maximising career success. I'm going to comfort my friends who are afraid, and accept their comfort for all the things I'd hoped to do that I might not get to anymore. I'm going to go to the gym because it's good for me, even though a healthy future seems hard to imagine. I'm going to remember that I'm still young. I'm going to remember there are younger people who look up to me. I'm going to listen to older people who didn't get everything they wanted and still turned out happy. I'm going to read.

And I'm going to remember that even if every trans person on Earth were rounded up and killed tomorrow, a million more would be born the next day.

[neverendingford]

.