#<- probably looks nothing like him soz

[hasellia]

Watching det Toro's Pinocchio after Alien Covenant got me thinking about sad old white men.

[99probalos]

walking around with my cane like Wow this is just like Mr. Plinkett

[bug-bites]

batfam beach episode?? real not clickbait no glue no borax??

cw: nothing! pure vacation beach fluff (p≧w≦q) also barely proofread,,,

pairing: gn!reader x batfam (NOT ALL AT ONCE.)

characters: dick grayson, jason babygirl todd, cassandra cain, tim drake, damian wayne (all intended to be interpreted as either romantic or platonic unless its damian. ik in some comic runs he's like an adult but hes like permanently 12 in my head and i dont fw that :/)

a/n: im back with a new dc obsession tee hee (soz to everyone who wanted more abt the cod guys or spiderverse im comicsmaxxing and redhoodpilled) will probably make a part 2 w/ bruce, babs, steph, and duke eventually :3c

Dick Grayson haha dick

oh he loves the beach so much

the sand beneath his feet make him feel nostalgic from when he would practice tumbling with his parents in the circus ring i think there's sand in circus rings right? I dunno someone fact check me on that one

the victim of being buried in the sand, always asks for a mermaid tail but ends up with something like massive sand tits (courtesy of either tim or jason), he laughs it off anyways

somehow gets the worst tan lines. He wore a swim shirt one time and never again because the tan lines looked SO BAD which is a total shame because he tans gorgeously

will beg to do play shoulder wars i have no clue if this is the right name, again fact check me for this thing where you get a piggyback ride from someone and you try to knock someone whos also getting a piggyback ride over in the water

you’re on his shoulders since bro is strong asf and you square up against tim and damian

obviously you lose because hello that's damian wayne we are talking about but at least its fun!!

cass and jason are forever the undefeated champions of shoulder wars though, that goes without saying

Cassandra Cain

shes always seen beach episodes in animes that damian practically dragged her into watching so when she gets to actually go to a beach she is so excited peak sibling bonding is dragging your siblings into your interests

loves building sandcastles and writing things in the sand, watching it get washed away, and then do it all over again

hold her hand and jump over waves together on the shore and she will be the giggliest and happiest human being alive on planet earth

but out of all the beach activities she loves beach volleyball

shes actually scarily good at beach volleyball for someone who has never played volleyball before

dick thought it would be fun to teach her and have a friendly match between him and bruce vs you and cass

yeah bruce and dick were COOKED. huffing and puffing like they have a vendetta against the three little pigs at the end of it while cass is like “this is so fun, lets go again!”

ends the day with a little sunset stroll along the shore i need her so bad you do not understand please bbyg ill treat u soooo well

Jason Todd

beaches are fun on paper for him, in person not so much

PERSONAL HC INCOMING! He gets migraines after the lazarus pit so he can only have so much fun before needing to lie face down with his head covered with a beach towel to make everything less overwhelming or he wears sunglasses the entire time

he brings a book to read at the beach and stays in the shade the entire time yes he is that bitch

usually at home in the comfort of his little library he likes to read things that have an impact on him or just stuff that makes him want to analyze deeper. think books like frankenstein, lord of the flies, all quiet on the western front, just generally heavier stuff

but his vacation books? totally different. usually something super light, maybe a shitty romance book that you find in walmart which are clearly just results of book packaging, or a some booktok recommendation he got for shits and giggles because it just was so laughably bad, maybe even a childhood feel-good book like percy jackson or the little prince (mostly just books he would not grieve over if sand permanently got in between the pages)

he tried reading a colleen hoover book once and honest to God wanted to toss it into the ocean HE WOULD HATE HER BOOKS AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

but out of everything he likes watching you enjoy yourself, his book wasnt that important anyways. show him that funky sand dollar you found or that really cool piece of seaglass, he’s probably gonna bring it home with him. a little keepsake along with the millions of grains of sand that never seem to go away

Tim Drake

Burns so easily

At first its kinda cute, like hes asking you to help him get that spot on his back he just cant seem to reach and its just a little sweet moment between you two as you rub the sunscreen into his sore muscles

But then it happens again. And again. And again to the point when he goes up to you, you automatically reach for the tube of SPF 100+ 

I just know his vitamin d deficiency goes crazy

Leaves the beach looking like a lobster, sunburnt, a crazy bump on his head from getting hit with a volleyball, and some god awful sunglasses tan lines

Overall, beach activities are not really his thing bros job is NAWT beach

Enjoys the boardwalk a lot more than the beach itself, likes the touristy stuff but still goes to the beach because dick loves it and he loves his older brother :(

Damian Wayne

i feel like he wouldn’t care too much for typical beach stuff. like at every beach that has sand and decently clean water you can do most beach activities

one thing that is never 100% consistent at all beaches is what lives on the beaches. this boy will spend hours staring into tidepools 

bruce was lowk concerned because his son did not gaf about normal beach activities that kids do but eventually he reached a point where he was like "i mean at least hes having fun and being safe"

i feel like talia would always show him books of sea creatures when he was little but he never ended up being able to see them in their natural habitat someone take this boy to an aquarium now

tells you fun facts about each creature you come across

will scold you if you take a shell from the beach, definitely says some shit like “how would you feel if someone ran into your house and just took your bed?”  based though, leave shells at the beach yall! taking them is like bad for the ecosystem

brings his notebook around and has little sketches of the sea creatures

even though typical beach activities arent his favourite, he doesnt hate it. he likes that he can catch a break from all the vigilante stuff and spend time with his family as a family and not just as a team

loves scuba diving. idk it just somehow makes sense and i think he would look really stupid in a wet suit

also i feel like he would never mention it but in his mind hes fully thinking "this is just like a beach episode" but he would rather die than say it out loud FUCKING NERDDD

[adams-angels]

Adam sfw/nsfw hcs? I love your work! Thanks!!

💖 Please send me requests! Send me your own headcanons! I will draw! I'm obsessed rn!💖

SFW

I'm gonna start off strong by saying socks and sandals. Thinks it's great.

Will stop listening when he's losing an argument. Stutters and minces up his words if he gets flustered or too aggravated.

Lute is his best friend

Says he has tons on friend but in reality lute is his only friend

This man thinks he's higher up in the food chain than he actually is. Which then leads to weak apologies from him

Doesn't go anywhere without his mask. Really big believer in that he doesn't like showing his face because both his wife's left him

Still absolutely bitter about that btw

Has an unhealthy coping mechanism when it comes to jealously.

For example, your an angel and some newbie starts talking with you and there's nothing really in it but he opens a portal to hell when your not looking and literally kicks the guy through it before closing the portal.

Or if your a sinner and you're telling him about someone who helped you the other day he will HUNT THEM DOWN next extermination day... If he can wait that long.

Likes getting you lil gifts, key chains, magnets, pins. He'll see a little thing and think that's perfect and wont hesitate buying it for you.

He won't give it to you though. He'll leave it somewhere obvious in his apartment for you to notice and go "oh, that's cute." For him to shrug and say "it's okay. You want it?" It took a while before you actually started accepting gifts this way

In public he will get you the biggest things. Giant teddy bear. New TV. A unicorn. But that's just to show everyone that he spoils you. That no one can treat you as well as him.

Loves lazy days

Also loves it when you preen his wings

Was the kinda guy that didn't have any kind of skin care until he met you and now you're both chilling with facemasks on.

Has panic attacks when he thinks you're going to leave him

When he's not wearing his mask he will not smile. It's really difficult to get him to smile or laugh when he's not wearing a mask.

But he's got the most beautiful smile

You managed you get him to laugh because you fell. What? He's still an asshole.

You couldn't be mad at him. He sounded so happy.

Has dumb pet names for everyone he's close to. Some are cute. Some are absolutely vulger. "Sweetness." "Babe." "Cutie" "cockwarmer." "Adam's dumpster." "Precious."

He's insecure AF baby

Loves hearing you say you love him

Will only tell you he loves you in private.

Would take a very special case for him to say it in public

If you get in a serious argument with him he'll run away in anger. He'll then come back after an hour or so begging you not to leave.

Sorry I really love pathetic Adam. fight me.

Smut below the cut! Minors dni

NSFW

Ik everyone says it's great at sex but I don't think he would be 🤷🏻‍♀️ not at the beginning anyway

I think he's a selfish lover and it takes someone he really cares about to make any changes

Would absolutely finish inside you then fall asleep soz babes

His cock is good tho. Likes it's a biggen. Length and width.

It was probably made to fit perfectly so

At least that's what he says

He won't believe it if you dont orgasm the first time you have sex with him. Everyone else has! Why wouldn't you?!

Well, Adam, they lied, sweetie.

Loves getting his cock sucked.

Asks for it constantly

If he gets in an argument with you he'll probably say "I'm sorry, it's just been so long since I got head."

He loves eating you out. Watching you squirm while his tongue is inside you really gets him going.

Likes you have you sat on his face so he can hold you down

He cried the first time he had sex with you after realising he loves you

Will beg to be loved when he's close to finishing. "Tell me you love me!"

Will get embarrassed after the fact

He was adamant he didn't like you. That you were just hot. But one day found himself jerking to the thought of you and that post nut clarity hit like a freight train.

Loves being praised ofc

Breeding kink. I mean come on. He was made to populate the earth. It was literally his job.

Loves rough sex, being in charge.

Will get possessive during sex

If he's having a bad day he'll be a lot more desperate and a hell of a lot more possessive

"mine" is his favourite word.

～⁠♡✧⁠｡ I really hope you enjoyed! I'm not a writer by any means but I appreciate any support I receive so thank you for reading! ｡✧⁠♡～⁠

[httpiastri]

beautiful – op81

genre: sweet sweet smut

pairing: female reader x oscar piastri

warnings: wellll it's smut so..... not much else, it's pretty soft so nothing rlly in need of a warning i think. almost a liiittle praise kink hiding in there but not exactly a warning ahah

requested?: um no not really BUT this ask from when this blog was still new has been on my mind ever since i got it....

author's note: this fic is basically just me calling oscar beautiful a thousand times..... second time ever writing smut and it's just as weird as the first time lmao! but i did enjoy writing it. this is protected sex because !! don't forget to be safe when yall have sex !!! and consent is sexy. hope you enjoy this <3 (and again, it's 5am so yes it was proofread but i probably missed something... soz)

f1 masterlist

18+ content below! minors, do not interact!! thanks

oscar is always beautiful.

when he stood on the podium yesterday, for the first time in his formula one career, he was gorgeous. when he came down to hug his family, you included, the smile on his lips was irresistible. and when he danced with you in some random club, his features reminded you of the ones of a god.

he had been teasing you all night. the fleeting touches and quick kisses he gave you held a promise; you would be back in your hotel room soon, just you and him, and he would take good care of you.

you had helped each other get undressed, drunken giggles shared between you as it had taken him a few moments to figure out the zipper of your dress. but the exact moment his head had hit the pillows, he had been out like a light. you swore you had only turned away for a second to take off your earrings, but when you had looked back at him, he had already been snoring.

even then, he was beautiful. but the maybe one moment you enjoy watching him the most is times like these. when the rays of the soft morning sun light up his features, his face basking in the rays. his chest rises and sinks in a steady rhythm, mouth barely open as he takes his sleepy breaths. with his messy, long fringe spread over his forehead, strands of hair tickling his round cheeks.

when he looks so pure, innocent, untouched, like he’s never had a worry in his entire life. so far away in dreamland, this world long forgotten.

but he loves coming back to this world. dreaming is nice, but when he opens his eyes and they land on the beautiful angel next to him, he feels like he has stepped into yet another dream.

his arms are draped around your waist, keeping you close as one of your hands land on his cheek. you smile when his eyes flutter closed again. “morning,” you hum, letting your thumb stroke across his skin. your finger follows his birth marks, the ones you could draw out blindfolded, the ones you know like the constellations you memorized in fifth grade.

oscar is always beautiful, but like this, he's perfect.

he doesn't answer, instead opting to trail one of his hands along the side of your body. the hand finds the hem of your thin shirt and dips inside it, letting the tips of his fingers swipe up and down your skin, against the sensitive area right below your chest, further down to your hips. he notices now that you aren't wearing any underwear, and the realization brings a grin to his lips.

he leans forward to press a kiss to your cheek as he drags his thumb along the inside of your thigh. his mouth moves down to your neck, trailing pecks and licks and bites on it's journey across your body. no piece of skin remains untouched or unkissed; oscar would kiss every inch of your soul if he could.

his head ducks under the blanket to reach your stomach, his hand coming up to push your hip softly. you take the hint and lie down fully on your back, a low sigh leaving your lips as he climbs on top of you. he's still hiding under the blanket so you're surprised when his lips meet the front of your thigh, your legs squeezing together in reaction. his voice is raspy when it leaves his throat, vocal cords still cold after a long night's sleep. "i want to taste you. open up, please."

your legs fall open easily; you're always open to letting oscar do what he wants. a jolt of electricity shoots through your body as he presses his lips to your clit. one of your hands come down to rake through his hair as his tongue drags along your folds and you feel way too sensitive already. his name falls from your lips when he starts sucking on your clit, but it's the feeling of his fingers entering you that takes over your mind completely. you can't think of anything other than how his digits are pumping you, how his tongue works wonders against you, and how you're so close already.

your hand in his hair tightens when you reach your high, your legs shaking and your heart hammering in your chest. he lets you try to catch your breath for a few moments, but then he pulls the covers down his body, appearing from below them as if in a round of peek-a-boo. even as you're breathless, coming down from an orgasm after being eaten out, you somehow have the energy to laugh at your lover. he's so dorky, so darling,

so beautiful.

even when his hair is a mess, even when he's newly awake, even with traces of you on his lips.

the hand leaves his hair, coming down to cup his cheek and pull him up towards your face. he hovers above you, bringing his fingers up to let his tongue clean them from your juices. you usher him down to you, desperate to let your lips meet his for the first time in so many hours. when his lips finally lock with yours, a pleasured sound escapes your mouth. you don't even mind the taste of yourself on his lips, because the taste of him takes over, flooding your senses.

it's hungry, but not at all rushed; it's sensual in a way that only mornings with him can be.

oscar doesn't break the kiss when his hand rummages over the bedside table, desperately searching for something. he lets out a frustrated groan when he has to pull away because he can't find it, and you giggle at the sound. in just a moment, he has leaned back down to capture your lips again, this time with a condom in his hand. he wants, needs, to be connected to you constantly, so his lips are still attached to yours as he pulls off the wrapper and rolls the condom down his length. he positions himself by your entrance and unwillingly pulls away. "are you okay with this?" he asks, letting one hand hold your waist as the other smooths down your arm. when it reaches your hand, he takes it in his, intertwining his fingers with yours.

you nod, giving his hand a squeeze. "it's more than okay."

he pushes into you and your eyes roll back as your hand squeezes his again, this time involuntarily. he fills you up to the brim, a perfect fit; the stretch is just right, not too much and not too little. he gives you some time to get used to it before he starts to move, the strength in his thrusts rising bit for bit. a moan escapes your mouth when he hits one specific spot and he grins, leaning down to press his lips right below your ear. "my sweet girl," he whispers, tracing his kisses down the side of your neck.

his thumb strokes against the back of your hand as his other hand moves down between your legs. two of his fingers come to rub your clit as he continues pushing into you. "oscar..." you sigh, instantly becoming overwhelmed with the sensations. "it's... god, it's too much..."

he slows his actions, though he doesn't entirely stop, as he speaks up. "i know you can take it." he pulls his head away from your neck to look at you, and-

oscar thinks you look so beautiful.

with your hair splayed over your pillow, with your flushed cheeks, with your rosy lips slightly parted and gasping for air as you chase your high. he can't think of anything more perfect than you, and sharing this moment with you is a true blessing to him.

your breath grows heavier as you get closer, and you hang your free arm around his neck, helping him kiss you yet again. he swallows your sweet sounds that become more frequent as you approach your climax, picking up the speed of his fingers again. "that's my girl," he mumbles against your lips. "taking me so well... you're so good."

your sweet noises fill the room as you both come undone together, bodies vibrating against each other's as he rides out your highs. he collapses right next to you, one hand still holding onto your hand as the other drags you into his side. you both take a few moments to breathe, before oscar pushes a few strands of hair away behind your ear. he can't help but smile again. "you're beautiful."

"so are you."

[meadowscarlet]

SECRET’S OUT | HF39.

✩ — summary: you and hector are in a relationship that you both decided to keep private in order to protect yourself and him from fanatical fans and media scrutiny… that is until you are shipped with his teammate which sends him to do something impulsive: post you in public.

✩ — héctor fort x fem!reader

✩ — author’s note: not back i did this for funsies nd in honor for 24/25 sznnnn starting next month also i dont speak spanish i used google translate soz if there’s some mistakes 🫶🏼

liked by hctorforrt_, marcguiu9, pablogavi and 89,567 more

youruser italy was a dreaaaam 🇮🇹♥️🥲 !!!!!! will miss it here sm pero extraño más mi hogar (but i miss my home more)

View all 4,678 comments

friend CHICA HERMOSA TE EXTRAÑO 😍 (beautiful girl i miss you)

youruser 🥹 gracias amiga (thank you friend)

marcguiu9 será mejor que me traigas algún recuerdo (you better bring me some souvenir)

lamineyamal yo también 😎 (me too)

youruser déjame en paz 🙄🙄🙄 (leave me alone)

pablogavi 😍❤️

* ♥ by author

random OMFGGGG THE BARCA BOYS?????

random she’s friends with marc and lamine?? who is this girl

random probably gavi’s gf? he commented a heart eyes emoji and she liked it

random GAVI NOOOOOOOO

random hector in her likes too stop

random i dont blame him she’s fine asf 😭😭😭

random im gonna kms

liked by hctorforrt_, pablogavi, daniwashington_ and 104,778 more

youruser 💐 volver a casa :) (back home)

View all 6,744 comments

random as if she couldn’t get hotter ofc she’s a culer im in love

random hala madrid

random fuck off

friend stunning!!!!!

random she’s so unreal

random waiting for gavi to reply 🤓

random hector and gavi in the likes this is insane

pablogavi ❤️

random BITCHH

random I SHIPPPPP they look so cute together

random you’re delusional go back to sleep 🤣

hctorforrt_ bienvenido de nuevo (welcome back)

youruser :)

random NAHHHHHHHH FUCK OFF

random HECTOR WHAT

random SHE REPLIED HOLD ON

random wait what about gavi????

liked by youruser, marcguiu9, lamineyamal and 234,897 more

hctorforrt_ contento (contented)

View all 10,211 comments

random THE SECOND SLIDE????? it’s so over

random the soft launch 😭 congrats 😭 whoever 😭 she 😭 is 😭

marcguiu9 vamos hermano ❤️❤️ (let’s gooo brother)

lamineyamal eres tan caliente 😫 (you are so hot)

random LMFAO LAMINE

marcbernal_ hermanoooo ❤️ (brother)

pablogavi vamonoooos 😍 (let’s goooooo)

random oh my god did anyone else noticed the similarities between y/n’s post and hector’s?

random YEAH i thought i was the only one 😭 the matching camera pose???

random but isn’t she gavi’s gf?

random nothing is confirmed

random i like her better with gavi

random girl boo

joaofelix79 hector con novia 😮 (hector with girlfriend)

lamineyamal él debería esconderse (he should hide)

joaofelix79 demasiado tarde 😂 (too late)

random SPILL IT WHAT THE HELL

liked by hctorforrt_, pablogavi, _ferminlopez and 113,767 more

youruser visca barca!!!!! 💙❤️ estoy muy orgulloso y feliz, el partido fue increíble! 🥹 (i am very proud and happy, the match was incredible)

View all 9,457 comments

friend bonita! 😘 (pretty)

youruser gracias linda! 🥲🥲🩷 (thank you pretty)

random i was sitting behind her 😭 can confirm she’s absolutely gorgeous and veryyyyyy kind

random who’s kit was she wearing???

random she was wearing hector’s kit! she cheered so loud when he got an assist w fermin’s goal it was amazing 🤩🤩🤩

random SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. WAR IS OVER.

random i saw her wave hello to gavi?????

random man im fucking confused now

random cant let the gang know i fw y/n gavi hector issue

_ferminlopez 🤩❤️

* ♥ by author

hctorforrt_ tuve suerte 😁 (i was lucky)

youruser me pregunto porque 🤔 (i wonder why)

random ok it’s so obvious alr im crying

liked by youruser, paucubarsi, _ferminlopez and 237,889 more

hctorforrt_ @/fcbarcelona 🔥💯

View all 10,458 comments

youruser chica orgullosa aquí 🙋🏻‍♀️ (proud girl here)

random she forgot the friend

hctorforrt_ hice lo mejor que pude para alguien especial 😉 (i did the best i could for someone special)

random rip gavi 🕊️

pablogavi ¿por qué estoy muerto? (why am i dead?)

random ICBBBBBBBB 😭😭😭😭😭

_ferminlopez 🍬🍬

marcguiu9 orgulloso de tí hermano 🥰 (proud of you brother)

random HOTTTTT

random VAMOS BARCA 💙❤️ (let’s go)

random finally had minutes and u delivered BLESS U HECTOR

liked by youruser, fcbarcelona, pablogavi, marcguiu9 and 457,899 more

hctorforrt_ mi amuleto de la suerte ❤️ @youruser (my lucky charm)

View all 26,677 comments

fcbarcelona 💯🔥❤️

youruser 🥲 mi chico favorito (my favorite boy)

hctorforrt_ te amo niña bonita (i love you pretty girl)

pablogavi FINALMENTE (finally)

hctorforrt_ finalmente 😌 (finally)

pablogavi jaja ustedes chicos 🤦🏻‍♂️❤️ (haha you guys)

lamineyamal MAMÁ Y PAPÁ (mom and dad)

youruser sólo somos un año mayores que tú 😒 (we are only a year older than you)

marcguiu9 😍😍😍 hermosa pareja (beautiful couple)

* ♥ by author

random this is so adorable 😭

random I KNEW IT

random such a hot couple im dying

random they’re perfect i shed tears

random oh my days

random she’s so beautiful 😭🫶🏼

* ♥ by author

alejandrobalde 🔥

random so i can still have gavi 😍

random brother eugh

[illubean]

Hii!! No idea if you take reqs rn but if you dont thats fine just ignore this!!

But if you doo... can you pretty please do the stardust cruseders x fem reader who has a identical twin?!?!

I wanna know how they would react and what they would think!! (Since i have a identical twin lolz)

Thank you and have a nice day!!>_<

Stardust Crusaders W/ an IdenticalTwin!Reader

Characters: Joseph Joestar (p3), Jotaro Kujo, Muhammad Avdol, Kakyoin Noriyaki, Jean Pierre Polnareff Type: Fem!Reader, Headcanons

had really great ideas for Polnareff and everyone else's is kind of short soz >.<

Warnings: none

Joseph Joestar

cannot tell you guys apart for the life of him

he just calls both of you by your name and see's who responds

pls do not sister swap and prank him he WILL fall for it 😭

he probably made a dirty joke about you being a twin at some point in his life (pls hit him for it)

honestly he probably has been hit more times than he can count for accidentally grabbing your twin instead of you 😭

whether its you or your twin doing the hitting you decide

Jotaro Kujo

even if you guys seem to not have any differences at all Jotaro can still tell you two apart without thought

even if you guys swap clothes or something he will just be like "??? why are you dressed like your sister"

and when you ask him how he knew he just shrugs

or he'll point out something so small, like maybe your left eyebrow is a little higher idk

but yeah finding out you had a twin wasn't that big of a deal to him

like ok cool whatever moving on

he probably doesn't interact with your twin like at all..

every time she's around he's kind of just like 🧍‍♂️ because he doesn't have much interest in getting to know her I guess

very much acquaintances and nothing more

Muhammad Avdol

another one who's really good at telling you apart, though not as instant as Jotaro

I think Avdol is a #certified lover so he spends a lot of time just admiring you

hence why he can recognize a difference

he knows you like the back of his hand too, so even if he couldn't tell you guys apart physically he could based off of your little mannerisms <3

he thinks it's cool you have a twin

he probably knows some nerdy spiritual shit about being twins idk

sometimes he might get you guys mixed up (or just genuinely say the wrong name) but he's quick to fix it and apologize

another one you shouldn't play pranks on because he just gets so genuinely confused and maybe even a little stressed...

Kakyoin Noriyaki

he can tell the difference but he has to stare at you really hard in order to get it 😭😭😭

relies on personality to tell you guys apart

or alternatively, he will get you some sort of wearable gift like a bracelet or something so he can tell much quicker

he doesn't tell you this though, he say's the gift is "just because"

then if you ever ask how he tells you and your twin apart he just says "I can just tell" (liar, its the jewelry)

Jean Pierre Polnareff

this guy...

the first time he met your twin happened to be when you weren't around

if you guys have different hair color/length/cuts bro probably just assumes you felt like switching styles and planned to surprise him or something...

"Oh la la, mon amour! I like what you've done with your hair!"

and your twin is just like ??? who is this guy

he probably tries grabbing/kissing your twin just to get punched or kicked in the nuts

and here you come, rounding the corner looking the same you did yesterday and he's like !?!?!?!?

he's not necessarily the smartest guy and considering the shit he's been through it's reasonable for him to assume your twin was the result of a stand...

and you're like bae no thats my sister

and he's like oh

he apologizes for harassing your twin...

if you guys are exactly identical like same style same hair everything this guy swears he can tell you guys apart when he really can't

he just goes by whoever responds to his nicknames

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

ok so ive been rewatching psychoville and saw on the wikipedia that there were a bunch of websites made for the series (they were all written by reece and steve btw) which i've been looking through cos they are genuinely SO fucking funny & also just amazingly creative lol!

anyway i know people in the fandom probs already know about this (since the show came out literally 15 years ago pfft) but i thought i'd share some of my fav bits (but honestly would just recommend just checking them out if you haven't i have been crying with laughter for literally hours lol)

i will say that a lot of the media (videos, games, etc) no longer work on the archived sites rip but i'm sure people have uploaded some of the stuff (vids especially) to yt or other places lol

so a) i love that we get some background stuff on jelly and 2) 'captain CRACKERS' bernie clifton's dressing room reference question mark ??????? (ofc bcdr was AFTER this but i know love the idea that mr jelly trained under len pfft)

what that red raw stump do though 👀 (sorry pfffft)

mr jolly's website wasn't that interesting soz tho i did like him comparing being a doctor to being a clown lol

the comment about fag bears did make me wheeze i'm afraid lol i also loved the blurry photos of lomax's commodities lol (kinda reminded me of the bit in tlog w/ that terrible old photographer guy lol)

when i tell you i DIED with laughter at the 'now known as hull' bit like u just know reece wrote that bit pfft

not really a funny thing but this poem written by david honestly kinda breaks my heart lol... i think it also a lot of additional context to david's guilt when he thought he'd killed his father(faver) because perhaps he felt guilty about NOT feeling guilty you get me? like, it felt to me that when maureen told david it was SHE who killed her husband, it didn't feel like he was mad at her for doing it, but more that she kept the fact from him. it's about... the mutual oedipus-coded obsession with one another that couldn't even be destroyed in death and in this essay i will....

ghoul_lass23 is just like me but about tumblr lol fr

nothing feels more cursed than the phrases 'the river minge has burst its banks', 'crying creamy tears' and 'fleshy rapunzel' (which i've just noticed they misspelt lol... don't think that was intentional lol?) so if i had to read this so do you <3

the way that i kinda wish this actually existed tho pfft... also, it does kinda remind me of that video where jenny nicholson talked about that insane reality show 'opposite worlds' lol

'cross between seven and glee' is honestly sending me pfft

also on this part there was a script from stinkfinger (which is a show mentioned on the show) which sounded suspiciously like a reference to tlc lol

the less said about swastknickers the better

(will say i did nearly piss myself laughing at the nazi section of the hoity toity website lol which wasn't a sentence i thought i'd type today lol)

i just love these kinds of jokes pfft

also the whole biography sections of each of the pantomime cast are fab lol tho i AM kinda pissed they made debbie from yeovil and yet didn't give her a west country accent lol!!! (i guess they thought it'd be a bit much w/ joy being bristolian but i'm still mad about it lol)

also i know people have probably already pointed this out but i do find it funny that brian in the in9 episode last night of the proms is a closeted gay guy who likes watching drag was probably a reference to brian in this show that was a drag queen like... is anything these guys do NOT a reference??? u know those gaylor fans who obsessively look for clues in her songs about her apparent secret sexuality? all i'm saying is that i think they'd really like the extended reece shearsmith & steve pemberton universe pfft

all three of these made me cry with laughter lol

ohh this is interesting lol so obviously they suspected that some people might be all 'um why didn't the sprinklers go off during the fire at ravenhill? plot hole much!' so they wrote this into one of the websites so they could be like SEE! WE'RE ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU DUMBASSES lol

both the jeremy kyle reference (remember when that was a thing? yikes... my mum used to watch his show CONSTANTLY...) and nurse kenshington's thoughts on david and maureen are interesting lol.. also there's a reference to the serial killer top trumps in this bit lol! (do people still play top trumps?? man i LOVED top trumps lol...)

the entire sunnyvale care home section is so fucking funny (both the website AND in the show lol mrs wren/mrs ladybird face is unironically probably my favourite character on the entire show) these were just some of my fav gags lol...

ok but why is this the SECOND reference to a guy punching a child who was apparently looking at his dick lol!??!! did this happen to one of you ??!!?!? reece did you punch a child ??!???!?!??

&&&& that's it lol

there were a few websites i didn't spend long on or generally weren't that interesting (coughmidgetgemscough) but honestly? i was really captivated with just how funny and well put together all these sites were! you can tell they had a lot of fun making it and i'm sure fans at the time LOVED being able to have this semi-interactive element of the show lol

there was just something so wonderfully late 00's about these websites lol i genuinely don't think i've laughed this much at anything in literal months and all of this is just solidifies that psychoville is a criminally under-appreciated masterpiece lol

[valentine-writes]

Can you do enemies to lovers with 1016 Miles?? :3

[ this will be my last req for this account, moving to my new blog officially once this one is up! catch me on @l0vem41l <3 reqs will be open there when i'm ready ＞︿＜ ]

overachiever

「 tws + notes: no tws, unedited, burnout, reader also attends visions academy, reader is trying so so hard to not be mean and fails (im so sorry), one-sided academic rivalry, author doesn't know how american schools work (i am so so sorry), comfort (?) 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic <3」

↳ ft. miles morales (1610)

author's note: YES I CAN!!! however,, i put a lil twist on the prompt given and made it academic rivalry (i genuinely cant find a viable reason to beef w/ miles i am so sorry (-﹏-；) !!) anyways! hope this works with you!!! soz itz so short!!! :[[

"wow," your friend's eyes light up, scanning over your test results, "...you've gotta be like, the smartest person i know."

you laugh politely, smiling at them as they hand your paper back. "no, it's really not that big of a deal–"

"what do you mean 'not that big of a deal?! dude, you got 100% on a test most people failed." your friend shoves their paper in your face as evidence– a 57% in red on theirs. "that's like... the highest grade achievable. probably the highest in cla–"

"THIS GUY GOT A 101%!"

everyone turns to the voice– the loud kid who sat behind miles eyeing his test.

you blinked in disbelief. you didn't even know getting extra credit was possible on this one.

miles looked up at the faces of his staring peers faces filled with disbelief and slight annoyance, and fumbled to set his test face down on his desk. he flashed an awkward grin "uh... yeah?"

-

▸ you liked miles. he was friendly. sweet. genuine. you couldn't hate him if you wanted to. no, you didn't feel hate towards him. it was just... jealousy. simple, petty, burning jealousy.

▸ visions academy was something you had to work your ass off for, constantly studying just to stay on the level of the students who attended. NERDS. all of them were nerds. but you were attending this school too sooo,,,

and then there was miles. someone who barely even had to try to get the highest grades. he had you seething.

▸ the most humiliating part was the fact that he had little to no interest in competing with you at all. the few times you had spoken were awkward and curt on your end, and yes– it felt awful being so mean for something as small as personal resentment.

▸ nothing justified your one word responses or the accidental snark that would slip into those few words. you mentally kicked yourself for the times you watched his grin falter because of something you said, miles awkwardly trying to laugh off whatever cold remark you just shot at him.

he'd walk away, dejected, and you'd stand there for a moment– frozen as you fought the urge to run up to him and try to explain yourself or beg for forgiveness. it didn't make sense to at this point. maybe he'd just accept this was the way you were– the way things would be between you two.

▸ so yes, perhaps in your pursuit of favouring school over every other aspect of your life, your social skills were left rotting and underdeveloped. but you knew, deep down, it wasn't just you being awkward.

being around him made you feel small. talking to someone, radiating the aura of someone with a promise-filled future made you look completely directionless and clueless in comparison. the effort you put into your academics was almost repulsive to think about when miles could take a test with a blindfold on and probably still score 90s.

maybe it was the deep set fear that you'd never amount to anything if you didn't burn yourself out trying. all of a sudden, the academic validation of being good wasn't enough. not when you were one of the best once.

▸ you spent an absurd amount of time trying to avoid him, deliberately moving to the furthest corners of the library so he wouldn't see you there struggling to wrap your head around whatever you were being taught in physics.

heavens above forbid that he walk up to you, greeting you with that sunny smile and cheerful voice that could make anyone falter. you may have been jealous of him– but oh, how you hated that feeling that way when he nothing but well-meaning.

-

the last sip of your coffee– long cooled by now thanks thermodynamics– did nothing to make you feel less dead. you had lost track of the time you had spent practically decomposing in this library, studying for an upcoming physics test that had you reeling just by the mere thought of it.

you sighed, staring at the papers strewn on the desk. your hands fidgeted with the pencil in your hand, it's eraser and tip rendered flat and useless by now, as you tried to muster the energy to gather your things to leave. it was much too late. the library would be closed soon and you'd be forced to go back home to study at your own desk in your bedroom.

this was routine. go to school, study in the library until it gets dark, and go home to study more– the next day, you'd find yourself still awake and studying or with a headache, your cheek pressed to the desk, and drool on your notebook. yeah. your bed hasn't been used in a solid while. and science homework isn't exactly the comfiest pillow. but this is what you were used to.

standing up, you stretched out a bit– and immediately froze as a familiar voice called your name. you paused, reluctantly turning to the source of the voice.

"...god, morales–" you huffed, "you nearly scared me half to death."

this is the friendliest you've been towards him in a while, he notices, as you flash him a tiny, crooked smile on your tired face. all potential malice you could have held had been beaten out by your absolute lack of energy.

he approaches you and looks at your desk, considering what to say to fill the silent air. he places a hand on your shoulder, you stiffen–

"hey." miles flashes a grin, not his signature smile but,, somewhat of a forced smolder.

you stare and resist the urge to cringe, wondering if you were sleep deprived to the point of hallucinations. you gently brush his hand off your shoulder.

"...hi?" you respond, unsure of what to do.

miles is snapped out of whatever stupid trance he was in by your voice.

"oh– uh– yeah, hey," he repeats your name again, trying to recover from whatever that was, "is– is everything okay?"

"i could ask you the same thing."

he lets out a little chuckle. "you know what i mean. all... this." miles' hand gestures vaguely to your desk and current state of complete entropy. "how long have you been here?"

you avert your gaze, shame burning in your face. "i... don't know?"

a pause.

miles places a hand on your back this time, in an attempt of friendly comfort. geez, are they keeping you locked in here?" he quips, earning half of a dry laugh from you. "c'mon. you should probably get home and rest by now."

"but–" your lips part in protest, looking back up at him to argue– but he just looks back, concern filled in his dark doe-like eyes. all possibilities of fighting him on this were out the window.

"you need it." he insists, a gentle smile forming on his face. much better than the weird smoulder from earlier, you think. "i'll even walk you there."

before you can speak up, he moves away from you, beginning to help you gather up your things to pack up. you mumble a silent thank you to him, which he accepts happily with a nod.

as he hands over the papers, his eyes scan them. "oh! physics? i love physics."

"no shit, morales." you scoff, snatching up the papers from him and stuffing them in your bag. "it sure seems to love you."

yet again, you've managed to mess things up. you bite the inside of your cheek before you can say anything worse. a sigh escapes your lips, as you decide to at least try and save the interaction.

"look... i'm really sorry. it's been a rough day, i've been struggling to get the concepts down, i'm falling behind and feeling stupid as hell right now, and– to make everything worse, the fucking test is just stressing me out and i just– i just..." you trail off from your ramblings, a sob getting caught in your throat as your shaky hands grip your backpack.

"woah, woah, hey– it's okay."

he slowly puts an arm around your shoulder, careful not to startle you or make you uncomfortable. you don't even realize how you lean into him. "let's just get you home. you've done your best, yeah?"

you nod. he offers you a little smile.

"exactly. and that's enough. okay? you're doing more than you can handle right now." there's a few more shared words as he reassures you.

part of him wonders how long this had been going on– how long you had been working yourself until you broke– mainly because that test that was stressing you out was more than a week away. yeah. he'd need to convince you to watch after yourself more often.

-

"and now a silly one!!!" (more lighthearted hcs below for the aftermath of this becuz goodness me.)

▸ things definitely ease up around miles. if he can't convince you to step away from your work, he's chosen to be able to regulate it.

studying with him in a local cafe is now a frequent thing you two do together. miles always gives you time to work, but will then ever so subtly lure you into moving on from your work to hang out with him normally. and it works. every single time. you might start in the library or cafe, but where you'll be later? always a mystery.

whether it's a walk in the park, going back to his place to chat, or finding some random activity to do, you find yourself bonding with him more and more. your jealousy begins to fade, finding a friend in him instead of someone you have to one up.

▸ you both spontaneously decided to see a new horror movie once and accidentally got miles in trouble with his parents for coming home after curfew. and he'd 100% do it again in a heartbeat if you asked.

▸ no matter what you get on that next test, miles is going to congratulate you like it's the best he's ever seen. he's overjoyed to share your achievements, to celebrate them like no one in your life ever has.

miles holds up his test as you tell him your grade. "you got a 92? hey look– me too!"

a snarky voice speaks up, "well, i got a 98% so–"

"no one was talking to you." miles retorts.

you press a hand to your mouth and look away, trying to stifle laughter. was he always this sassy or did you just end up rubbing off on him?

▸ you both end up being extra studious for the next test (breaks included this time) and he's sure to be extra loud about congratulating you for your perfect 100%

maybe the sass wasn't all you,,, but the minor pettiness definitely is your influence. it's actually not. miles is pretty easygoing,, but man did he not like when that random ass kid gave you attitude.

you smile at miles, ensuring to do the same for him if not, a little louder

"what? 'm complimenting you." you tilt your head at miles' stunned expression.

for a moment, he stumbles over his words. "i know– you just– i didn't expect that from you, so–"

you laugh. "what? you want me to go back to being mean or something?"

miles laughs too. it's hard not to stare at the way he lights up a room like this.

▸ things feel lighter now. you've made social progress with others, you have a life beyond just school– and you have miles. part of you wonders if you'll ever be able to tell him just how much he means to you and how you wish you could've just been his friend from the start.

sometimes, in the corner of his eye, he catches your wistful stare. and though he doesn't utter a single word, you start to feel that he cherishes you just as much.

[missmarveledsblog]

Grumpy cat ( Logan howlett x wade wilson x reader)

summary : adjusting to a new life and trying to recover from the old one logan is withdrawn but the help of google and a special something wade is determined to make it all better .

warnings : swearing , goofy humour really , not proofread ( soz)

@silverflowers14 thank you for the request it had me fucking dying🤣🤣

Starting over was hard  even more so when its’ a completely different timezone , universe and life. Faces lost in his own could he call it world? suddenly  back alive and walking around it was almost mocking him of his own fuck ups , that pain he felt when he saw what remained and now it was like nothing because to them it never happened . then isolation , hatred and venom that followed not so much in this place, mutant and enhanced weren't as disgusting as they were in his timeline . people cheering on the name of a hero he just wasn’t , no matter what he did he was dammed a bad evil man in his mind. It wasn’t always bad  he did have friend now , if he could call them as such . that was new and he kinda liked them even wade wasn’t too bad not that he would admit such a thing out loud  ( “ i knew he liked me “) . 

Yet it was the first time he was spending that dreaded day in this new place, that sick feeling creeping up in his stomach as he watched day by day and that date getting faster and faster  .  the little interactions he was having becoming less and less , shoulders slumping second by second . a deep frown on etched on his face . grunt and huff in response to anyone dared even come close , shutting  down any form of communication before it start . he didn’t deserve their kindness or there love . 

Wade saw it , he observed and took note of the grumpy black cat he had in his home , well that wouldn’t do no sad bitch vibes here . so like the best friend and roommate ( *cough* lover *cough * he was  decided to make thing better but how? 

“ oh google you beautiful bitch and sexy problem solver “ he skipped knowing he would find the stuff to make it happen before the hot-tempered sex symbol that was his new room mate came back from a liquor induced pick me up  . a text to his neighbor y/n left unanswered so he took measure into his own hand got his hands on the good stuff and the ingredients to make betty crocker herself cream her pantaloons . it was masterpiece of sprinkles and icing   ready to be devoured cheer up the grumpiest of cats . he heard the door open and slam almost taking it off the hinges . 

“ woah peanut less of the slamming unless it’s in the bedroom “ he sang skipping to the door . 

“ wade why the fuck are you dressed like a house wife from the fifties ?” 

“ i wanted you to feel more at home and american civil war section was surprising all out ,” he winked twirling to show the skirt of his dress. “ anyways you look more pissed then blind al pmsing and out of cocaine ,we don’t do that sunshine so while you out drinking your old ass off i was here slaving away making something so tasty martha stewart would fall to her knee for ,take a seat kitten and prepare to have you sock fully fucking blown off “ . 

“ i don’t ..” 

“ nope nope none of that you will sit and taste my goodness and you will like it “ he pushed the man toward the table as logan stared down at the “ masterpiece” wondering if it wasn’t too late to head back to his own time  because shit was probably better then whatever the fuck was on the plate before him  . he would give it one thing it smelled ok something he couldn’t place on his finger on but the rest was good . a deep sigh on his face as he sat down watching wade struggling to cut through it . 

“ it’s bit hard is all but all good things are hard right” he strained cutting through finally getting through before smashing the plate underneath. 

“ here come the aeroplane “ he sang. 

“ come near me with that and i’ll cut your fucking hand off” logan growled . 

“ try a little bit “ he whine like perpetuate toddler  ( * gasp* hey you take that back ). 

“ fine lucky i can't fucking die maybe i can “ he grumble throwing a piece into his mouth as the merc with a mouth watched excitedly . 

“ is it good? What note are you getting” he asked jumping around . 

“ this taste how you look” was all logan said before storming off. 

“ might take a while to kick in “ he shrugged .

Trying to wallow when wade wilson was around was impossible task , one thing was he kept getting logan his drinks and food ,take out all smelling of something he just couldn’t place maybe it was some new craze but fuck it once it got him drunk and food in his belly ,   he didn’t care once he was drunk and fed , what he did care about was wade following him around asking him how he felt , it wasn’t totally out of the norm giving the fucker told them all how he felt no matter what he was feeling  but this was more persistent even for him .  He was almost delighted when a knock at the door hopefully someone he could push the  assholes attention to something new . prayers finally answered when he saw y/n standing  there like the savoir he need . 

“ hey logan wade here?” smiling up at the man . 

“ over there go have fun  i’m begging you “ he pushed her over as she could barely get words of protest out of her mouth . 

“ i can’t stay i promised a girls night sorry i didn’t text back touch on my phone is gone but i got the good stuff right here my friend michelle swears by it” she handed over the baggy .

 “ hope it’s better than shit i got , sprinkled it on everything even in his food and still a grumpy bitch” he exclaimed . 

“ so where is he?” she asked excitedly looking around the room . 

“ right there shit are you going blind too,  i knew it was contagious suck it al “ he yelled pointing the the scowling canadian . 

“ please tell me you haven’t been putting this in logans food “ she winced backing up to the front door. 

“ putting what in logans food “ 

“ google said it good for grumpy , depressed or anxiety riddled kitty cats ” wade shrugged. 

“ what is it ? have you been dosing me with drugs?” the man growled claws retracting .

“ see nothing … no sugar plum i would never drug you … wait is catnip a drug ?” he asked as she ran out not wanting to stay when the claws came out too many clothes she still couldn’t get the bloodstains out of  . 

“ STOP THROWING FUCKING CATNIP AT ME AND COME BACK HERE YOU BASTARD “ 

“ I DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU POOKIEBEAR… AHH PINEAPPLE …. FUCK WHAT WAS THE SAFE WORD ” 

“ why is this normal to me “ y/n sighed heading down to her apartment smashing glass and wade shrieks following now muffled as she closed the door.

[toomuchracket]

PLS PLS PLS GIVE US POLLY KICKING D WORD MATTY IN THE SHIN LORE AHHHHHHHHHHH *that’s me screaming at the top of my lungs omg*

buckle up, babies, it's lore time.

basically, on tour, when there's no show on a sunday (or even if there is, you'll do this before or after), you and the girls (polly and gabi, and if charli and mrs mac and carly are around they'll join in) congregate in someone's room to drink wine and eat snacks and gossip and watch a movie. sunday sesh. and you all agree to make a point of continuing it after tour each week or every couple of weeks, just for a catch up, alternating whose house you're all meeting at. the first sunday after tour ends, it's your flat at 6pm. cute, nice, fun.

unfortunately for you, quite literally as soon as the plane landed back in london, you and matty sped back to yours and have been holed up in the flat doing nothing but fucking (catching up on all the sex that was impossible to have on a packed tour bus), so fervently that to be completely honest neither of you have any idea what day it is anymore. so, yes, as you can imagine, sunday comes around, and you're practically none the wiser.

anyway, you and your boyfriend order a takeaway for dinner. the intercom buzzes, and nobody speaks, so you figure it's the food. matty - shirtless, literally wearing grey sweatpants and nothing else - says "babe, you get the plates, i'll go to the door for the food", and you - wearing underwear and one of his t-shirts - agree.

the door goes. matty opens it and goes into a coughing fit. because, as you've probably guessed by now, it's not the food at all, it's the girls. all of them. and they look HORRIFIED. carly nearly drops the literal box of wine bottles in her arms in shock, but gabi grabs them before they hit the ground.

nobody really seems to know what to say, until matty decides to awkwardly lean against the doorframe in an attempt to be casual and asks "so... what are you doing here?" - charli folds her arms and says "you answer that question first, healy", and he's like "um. hanging out". polly squints at him (she doesn't have her glasses on) and says "is your face wet? why?", and matty literally cannot resist smirking and saying "you're really asking me that? they could revoke your lesbian card for that, mate"; she scoffs and kicks him in the shin like "don't be such a twat" (but she does it harder than she means to and he's genuinely like "ow! pol!"), while the rest of the girls start groaning in exasperation at him being crude like "oh my god, i can't believe she's fucking you" and "give me strength" and "well, the slut uniform makes sense now" lmao.

meanwhile, you're back in the flat wondering why matty's taking so long, so you pad into the hallway like "baby? everything alright?", and when you hear what is unmistakably mrs mac screech "baby? what the fuck?" you blanch as you realise what day it is and run to the door to save your boyfriend from the wrath of the girls. like, you stand in front of him protectively (he puts his arms around your waist it's very cute) and muster up a smile like "hi girls. forgot it was sunday. soz. how are things with you all?", and mrs mac is like "don't deflect, sweetheart - explain. now", and you sigh like "you'd better come in. matty, babe, could you wait for the food while i talk to them for a second?", and he says "of course, darling", and kisses your nose to further noises of disgust (and an "awww!" from carly lol) as the girls make a beeline for the living room.

anyway, you're like "can i have two seconds to make myself presentable?", and charli's like "absolutely not. spill" - you take a deep breath, and you tell them everything. i mean, not the d word stuff, but the rest of it; you're like "first of all, just to preface, because i know you all worry about me - it's serious. very. we're in love, guys", and despite themselves everyone smiles. gabi's like "how long have you been, y'know, a thing?", and when you're tell them that it's been like 7 months "but we wanted to wait until tour was over to say, so nobody thought it was like, i don't know, just a fling while we were away together, or that he was taking advantage of me" they're all like "jesus. alright".

matty comes back into the room just as polly says "you've seemed a lot happier on this leg of tour, to be honest. so has he, actually", and he giggles when you quip "yeah, well, it's nice having someone to fall asleep with in hotel rooms. and the other stuff that happens in there". mrs mac takes a long drink of wine and winces as matty snuggles in beside you and digs into idk chow mein or whatever, and she's like "the realisation that all of your sex stories were about matty... i feel a bit ill. i should not have asked for details about the hot tub. or the time i caught you having phone sex on the bus. or the time i heard you through the wall and you told me it was the best sex you'd ever had. christ"; matty's like "best sex you've ever had? aww, babe", and you roll your eyes while he kisses your head but you smile and kiss his hand. carly giggles like "you guys are actually really cute, you know. adam thinks so too" - matty sits up straight like "carly you did not tell the boys please tell me you didn't", and charli's like "of course we did. had it in the chat before your girlfriend even appeared. also they're on their way over, squizz and john and all, so i'd put some clothes on unless you want them to rip the piss out of you even more than they're already going to". you giggle while matty groans and trudges off to get a shirt and some leggings for you, and on his way back mrs mac corners him in the hallway and says "you know i love you, and i'm actually really glad you're happy and you're dating someone who's not a dick. but i love her just as much as i love you, and i promise you that if you ever hurt her, healy, i WILL castrate you with a pair of nail scissors. got it?"; he's like "jesus alright. but i won't hurt her, mate. she's it for me, really. gonna marry her one day. m'serious", and she beams like "oh, that's lovely. still. i'm keeping nail scissors in my bag from now on. just in case" lol. but yeah! that's how everyone finds out about you and matty lmao

[foxyarchive]

Your Guardian Angel(Or Devil) P3

You go on a date, and Adam can't resist being a dick about it. Set between chapters 1 & 2.

Cross Posted on AO3!

Warnings: Drinking, mild spice, brief dubious consent with Adam(nothing bad, promise).

Words: ~6k

Well found out I'm bad at writing stuff that's not plot LMAO like Reader and Adam shitposting. Wanna do more of it but it's hard for me to write... So probably plot either next chapter or next. Tried to prolong as long as I could soz.

Tags in comments! Ask to be added to the Taglist!

P1 | P2 | P3

You step out of the shower with a sigh, toweling off your body and drying your hair as best as you can for the time being. You had a few hours until you were going out, so you were going to take your time getting yourself looking nice and presentable. You wrap the towel around your body, bending over your sink to wash your face and brush your teeth. When you’ve finished that, you move to adjust your towel so it doesn’t fall, trying to decide what you want to use on your hair. 

“Weeeeelll, looks like I popped up at the right time.” You scream in shock, your hand fumbling as your towel drops and pools around your feet. You hear a whistle, and look over with a burning face as you see Adam standing just outside your bathroom door, biting his lip and wiggling his brows. 

“A-Adam! Fuck– S-Stop looking!” You crow, trying to cover your bits as best you can as you bend down to pick up your towel. He just laughs, pointing a finger at you as you try to remain a shred of modesty. Your face and body are unbearably warm right now in embarrassment. You can’t even look him in the eye. 

“Chillaaaax, sweet-tits, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Comes his too haughty for your liking response. Somehow, you burn even more at that as you try to wrap your towel around yourself. 

“W-What? You’ve… Seen me naked before?” You tremble a bit, feeling a shiver run down your spine at the sudden admission to the lack of privacy. 

“Duh. I have this orb thing that lets me just look in on you whenever I want. I don’t really use it, though, don’t care enough to watch your boring ass life.” He says it so nonchalantly, you can’t help but to feel goosebumps raise over your skin. The look across your face must’ve caught his attention, as he just gives another wave of his hand and roll of his eyes as he turns away from you. “It’s a Guardian thing, don’t make it fuckin’ weird now. I mean, unless you wanna.” He looks back at you with a sly leer, raising his brows once again. 

“No!” You respond, almost immediately, appalled at the implication. One that an angel was making, no less! Wasn’t he supposed to be more… Virtuous? You do remember the last time you saw him, though… Implied he could really get away with whatever he wanted. There has to be certain boundaries that can’t be crossed, though. He just shrugs, turning away boredly. 

“Your loss, babes.” He makes his way into your bedroom, and you follow after him as you finish fixing your towel around yourself. 

“Isn’t lust a sin?” You can’t help but ask as he spreads out his wings and flops back onto your bed carelessly. 

“‘Isn’t lust a sin!?’” He mocks you in that stupid ass voice again, and you puff out your cheeks in annoyance. “I don’t sin. I’m fuckin’ Adam, in case you forgot. I’m perfect.” He grins, pointing at himself. He then proceeds to roll over to his side, propping his head up with a hand as his elbow rests on the bed. You just suppress a sigh, shifting from foot to foot awkwardly. Wait… He was here. Did that mean…?

“Was I about to die?” You suddenly gape, looking around the room, wondering what was going to happen. An earthquake? Maybe you use a blow dryer and you almost get electrocuted? Slipping and falling out of the shower, perhaps? You look back when he doesn’t respond at first, and you see the face he makes. 

“The fuck? No, what?” He frowns, and you mirror the confusion on your face. 

“But… That’s why you’re here… Right? You come around to prevent my death…?” You inquire, slowly, and a small look of realization passes across his features. 

“Oooh… Yeah, nah, I was just bored. Wanted to swing by, see how your shitty mortal life was going.” He declares, flopping onto his back once more, resting his hands on his stomach. His horns rest over the side of your bed. So does most of his body. He’s massive. 

“Are you allowed to do that?” You blink. He turns his head slightly towards you, exasperated. 

“‘Tits, we just went over this.” He deadpans. Oh. Right. He’s Adam. He can do… Whatever he wants, apparently. 

“Err. Okay, right, well…” You shift from side to side, somewhat nervous. Some droplets fall from your hair onto your shoulders and back, despite having tried to dry it off earlier. “Sorry to… Disappoint you? But I’m going out tonight, so I can’t… Hangout??” What do you even say? Did he want to hang out? Just say hello? What kind of weird relationship were you starting to build with your divine fucking angel? 

“Wow, finally doin’ something on a Friday night besides binging a shitty show, doing a game, or jilling off?” He remarks, sitting up now as your face heats up even more. 

“D-Don’t say that!” You groan, turning away as you cover your face with your hands at his crass words. He really does look in on you! You’re not proud about how you spend some of your weekend nights… You like to go hangout with your friends when you can, but everyone can get so busy. You hear him mockingly laugh, which only makes you heat up more in embarrassment. “For your information, I have a date tonight! So if you can just… Fly off or whatever so I can get ready, that would be great, thanks.” You snip over your shoulder, turning and walking back in the bathroom. 

You squeak in surprise as Adam suddenly appears in front of you, wings flared as he hunches over your smaller stature. “A date, huh? Really? You?” He sneers, and you scoff, anger flaring in your chest. 

“Yes, me! That’s rude. I’m attractive! And capable of dating. And holding conversations. I’m doing it with you right now!” You pause, briefly. “The conversation part, I mean.” He hums, giving a small nod of his head, crossing his arms as he tucks his wings back against his side. 

“Uh-huh, suuuure. And you don’t want me to go with you?” He rubs his chin, and you squint at him. 

“What are you getting at? Why would I want you to come with? So you can distract me?” You roll your eyes, inching passed him to go and gather some makeup to put on. 

“Babes, if you’re that distracted by me, maybe it’s best to not go out with some other bozo while you’re thinkin’ about me. After all, I am right here.” He grins, slinging an arm across your shoulder. You stiffen at the contact, swallowing nervously as he dips his face close to yours. Why did your Guardian Angel have to be so horny? Looking at the size of him as well, even if you both did end up tangled in bed, you’re not even certain it’d fit… “Thinkin’ about this dick? Don’t blame you.” He lightly grips your chin with the arm around your shoulder, pushing it to look towards him. He cranes his head closer to you. You’re horrified he caught on to your train of thought. “Don’t worry, it’ll feel fucking great. I’ll make sure that pretty little pus–” 

“No, no, stop!” As he begins to ramble, you suddenly pull yourself away from him, breathing more rapid. To your relief, he just looks irritated, but he doesn’t pressure you or crowd you again. He pulls back, even seeming to flatten his wings a little more against his side to make himself appear less large. “I’m not– You’re not– This is… Inappropriate! I’m like… Your client, or whatever!” You grimace at the wording, even if it’s true. Adam just rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. 

“I fuckin’ told you, it doesn’t matter. We can do whatever the fuck we want.” He pauses. “Almost anything. Fucking is on the list, though.” He confirms with a nod. You just groan, putting your head in your hands. 

“I… I don’t… I mean… How could you even want to fuck me?” You can’t help but ask, as you consider this more and more.

“Uuuh. Because you’re hot and got a rockin’ bod?” He lifts a brow. Well, guess that’s some sort of an ego boost for you… or is it? Adam seems like the kinda guy to stick his dick in anyone with a pulse that throws mild attention his way, really. Maybe you should take that comment with a grain of salt, then…

“No, I mean– You’ve watched me my whole life. Don’t you feel some sort of… I don’t know… Protective, parental kinship for me?” You can’t help but ask, grimacing a bit at the thought. You don’t know whether to feel angry or embarrassed as he starts laughing at you, full blown, even hunching over a bit. “Why are you– That’s not funny!” You stutter out. It’s anger you feel, alright. He straightens up some, trying to calm down, wiping a tear from his eye. 

“Oooh. Oh, that’s fuckin’ hilarious, ‘tits. Really, super funny.” He wheezes, an easy grin crossing his features as he puts his hands on his hips. “Nice try, but ah, no. You’re right, in a sense. You’re basically just my nuisance client.” He pauses, tapping his chin. “Mm… Maybe more like a pet.” He mumbles in thought, and you feel another flare of anger. 

“A– A pet!?” You cry in outrage. 

“Yeah! But like, a fuckable one. Shit, wait no, that sounds fucking weird, back that up–” He puts his hands up, and you decide to bite your tongue as you resist the urge to go and pluck his wings. “Uuugh, why are you making me describe this shit! Look.” He finally breathes in, clasping his hands together as he takes a step towards you. You shift a half step back, and he stops, but continues talking. “To me, you’re just this lady I gotta look after. Like I said, I didn’t really actually watch you. Checked occasionally because Sera was on my dick about it, but that’s whatever. You’re like, what, thirty something now, though?”

“I’m–” You begin to offer him your correct age, but he just waves you off. 

“Whatever, you’re old.” You huff at his comment. “You’re an adult, you can make your own fuckin’ choices, yada yada. All I'm saying is: Original dickmaster, right here.” He grins, pointing to himself. You remain silent, still eyeing him, face still slightly scrunched up. Even if you both were two consenting adults(with him falling more along the lines of… primordial demi-God way older than you), you're not losing sight of what you have in mind tonight. Especially not for Adam, who has been quite callous with you. You're not even sure he actually likes you. 

“Okay, well… Thanks for all the clarification. I guess.” You utter the last part under your breath, turning away from him. “Still going out with my date tonight. Still would like it if you weren't there.” You then declare, moving past him once more to go and get ready, and you just hear a scoff leave his throat. 

“You sure ‘bout that? Hear men on Earth are pretty shitty. What if he tries to… I dunno, kill you or something?” He states, and you can see the squint he’s eyeing you with through your mirror. 

“Then you’ll protect me? Like you’re supposed to?” You can’t help but to bite out in response, growing tired of this. Adam hisses out a slow, quiet breath through his teeth, clicking his tongue. 

“I dunno about that… I mean, what if it’s your time? What if this is where you meet your fate? At the hands of some dude you think is cool?” The seed he sows in your head makes you pause at what you’re doing. He did say that he knew when you were going to die, but… He’s just fucking with you. He has to be. 

“Okay, well, even if this was where I was going to die, then who cares? It’s fate, right? You can’t interfere with that.” You roll your eyes, trying to quell the now uncertain flutter in your stomach. He walks forward once more, hovering right behind you as he cranes his neck down slightly to peer at you. You don’t turn around to meet him, only eye him uncertainly through the mirror. 

“Don’t you remember who I am?” He utters to you, quietly, and that makes you pause. There’s no shot he can circumvent your death… Right? Besides, he was just bluffing. You were going to be fine tonight. He backs off, though, abrupt and with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. “Just saying. Lotta stuff can happen.” Then he disperses in a flitter of gold. You’ve never felt more uncertain in your life. You assume he’s just trying to get your goat, but the anxiety in you is beginning to try and spin a tale otherwise. You look ahead, just focusing on getting ready. 

The rest of the time you doll yourself up, it’s blissfully quiet, which acts as both a blessing and a curse. You can just focus on the night ahead, but it also lets you mull over your thoughts about what Adam said. He’s just fucking with me. He’s not serious about it. Why is he even saying stuff like that? You ponder as you finally get into your car, heading towards the bar you were supposed to be meeting your date. You park, check yourself in the mirror, and head inside. There you spot your date, sitting at the bartop, and all you can think of currently is thank God you didn’t get catfished. 

“Hey! Ryan, right?” You smile as you approach, and he looks at you, offering a smile in return. He inquires your name, and you nod, unto which he shakes your hand when you hold it out. Well, it starts as a handshake, and turns into a somewhat unprompted hug, which you gingerly return before you sit next to him. 

“It’s great to meet you in person! You look lovely.” He compliments, and you offer a bashful smile, returning a compliment yourself. After you both decide on what to drink and order, he faces back towards you. You both begin to divulge the basics of one another– What you do for work, what hobbies you have, some places you’ve visited before. It’s going fine, and he’s awfully nice, but you can’t help but to feel… A little bored. Any spark you had felt over texting him through the app you’d met him in is slowly beginning to drain. You have a few things in common, but not much, and you can’t help but to feel a little worn down with the conversation. It certainly doesn’t help that you’ve ordered another drink as well. Why the Hell did you do that?

As you’re beginning to feel your eyes glaze over when he talks about a very… Uninteresting work trip he had in a rather monotonous way, something catches your attention. It’s out of the corner of your eye. A flicker of gold. You glance over, seeing nothing of the sort, and shift a bit to draw your attention back to Ryan. Suddenly, your date flinches a bit, and you frown, sitting up. “Are you okay?” You ask, and he rubs the side of his head, glancing around. You look down, noticing a partially discarded peanut shell next to his barstool. 

“Yeah, sorry, I… I thought I felt something.” He frowns, looking back at you, giving a sheepish smile. “Guess it was nothing. Anyways, as I was saying, we arrived at this studio where–” You see the peanut shell coming this time, smacking Ryan square in the ear. He looks behind him, and slowly, you do as well. Your eyes stretch wide in mortification. You see Adam, sitting at an empty table, a smirk on his face with an array of used peanut shells on the table. Someone had just left, and looks like he decided to sit there and bug your date. For a moment, a flicker off worry runs through you. Can Ryan see him? You crane your neck over a bit, but by the look of stark confusion on his features, it’s clear that he can’t. “Did– Did you see anyone throw something at me?” He frowns, and you bite the inside of your cheek. You can see Adam’s grin widen. 

“No.” You respond, because truthfully, you didn’t actually see Adam do it. You’re sure it’s him, though… Ryan just rubs the back of his neck, giving you a sheepish look. 

“I swear, I keep feeling something pelting me… I guess it just must be my imagination.” He murmurs, and your eyes shift past him. You see Adam lining up another shell, biting his tongue in concentration. You give him a warning glare as best as you can without making it seem like you’re pointing your stare towards Ryan, but either Adam doesn’t catch onto it or doesn’t care. He flicks his middle finger, and the shell goes flying, thunking Ryan right on the back of his head. This time, Ryan stands up, flustered as he looks around to try and catch the culprit. You dig your nails into your palms as Adam begins to laugh, pointing at your date as he leans back in the chair. 

“Ahah– You should– You should see his face. He’s so pissed. And confused. Not– Not sure which he’s more of.” He cackles. You try your best– You really, really do. You want to be upset with Adam interrupting things, but you can’t help giving a snort of laughter. You then cover your mouth, trying to stifle it as best as you can as Ryan’s head swivels around to catch the culprit. 

“Are– Are you okay, Ryan?” You try not to wheeze or show that much of a smile as he huffs out, clenching and unclenching his fists. 

“No– I mean, yes, I just– There is somebody here who is pelting me with… With something.” He finally looks at the ground, near him, seeing the shells. “With peanuts, I suppose… I can’t find out who.” You feel guilty, now, as you see the embarrassed look across his features. Even more guilty that you have to pretend like he’s crazy. Is this gaslighting?

“Are you sure? I haven’t seen anyone doing anything.” You finally say. You don’t feel good about it, but what can you do? Tell him your primordial guardian angel that acts like a twelve year old is flicking used peanut shells at him? 

“Yes, I’m sure! I think I am, at least.” He’s looking more and more uncertain now, sheepishly sitting back down. You offer him a comforting pat on his hand as he takes a sip of his drink, trying not to draw your eyes away from him as Adam comes over. 

“This dude is soooo boring. Why don’t you fuckin’ leave already?” He scoffs, crossing his arms as he glowers down at Ryan. You stiffen as you see someone walking in the path of Adam, but to your slight surprise(and relief), the person walks right through him. Adam’s body shimmers and ripples a bit as it happens, but it doesn’t seem to disturb him at all. For obvious reasons, you can’t respond, especially as Ryan speaks back up. 

“I’m sorry, maybe I’m just… Being paranoid. I’m a little nervous, sorry, but the date has been wonderful so far! You’re really interesting, I’m so glad I got to come out here with you.” He admits, smiling a bit bashfully, and you can’t help but to smile at the rather sweet admission as well. You feel your cheeks warm. You see Adam faux gag himself with a finger, and you suppress the urge to snip something to him. 

“I’m glad we got to do this, too.” You respond back to Ryan. Well, even if you didn’t really click, it was still nice to get out and get a drink. Speaking of… Maybe you should finish your second one a little faster. A flicker of guilt passes through you. Perhaps… You could make a bit more of an effort. Ask additional questions about his trip, engage more where you can. “What, uh… Made you want to work as an interior designer? Family, or just something personal?” You decide on, because that can always be interesting. Ryan seems to perk up at the question. 

“My grandmother was one, actually! I didn’t realize how much I liked it until I went with her one day when I was younger to work in an emergency.” He chuckles. “I got to see how she worked, who she worked with, and how she would put some things together.” 

“Ask him if he’s sure he’s actually interested in women.” Adam pipes up, moving to stand beside you, and you grit your jaw at his comment. That almost makes you snap out and snarl at him, but you try not to as Ryan continues to go on about the experience, as well as what pushed him further towards it. “Fucking– This guy is so boring. It’s boring me and I don’t even have to pretend to be listening.” He groans out, tilting his head back. 

Why doesn’t he just leave? You can’t help but to think in irritation. Adam isn’t bound here. Unless… Something is going to happen, but you don’t get that feeling. You watch as your Guardian moves to stand beside your date, now, making a talking motion with his hand while he mimics something similar to ‘blah, blah, blah’ with his mouth. Trying to stifle a noise of anger, you quickly slam down your drink with a sigh, just as Ryan finishes his story. He can see the force you put your drink down with, and he blinks. 

“Are you alright?” He inquires, and you sigh out, giving him a smile. Adam is really grinding your gears. Your head is just a bit fuzzy thanks to the drinks. You can think clearly enough, but you also feel on the edge enough to spite Adam with all of his comments tonight. 

“Yeah, fine. Sorry. Getting a bit loud in here is all. Wanna head back to my place?” You find yourself asking, quirking a brow. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!” It’s more of an exclamation than a question Adam shoots out, and you suppress a smirk, opting for the smile on your face. Ryan seems a little taken aback, a faint pink dusting his cheeks. 

“I got some streaming services, if that’s to your fancy.” You add in. Ryan was boring, sure. You thought that, but hearing Adam say it and egg you on to leave just pushed you to do this. Plus, Ryan was really attractive. Like, totally your type. 

“O-Oh. Yeah, sure, okay.” He smiles, bashful again, how sweet. He finishes his own drink, pays, and the two of you head out. You can see Adam standing in the background, irritation written all over his features, and you can’t help but to sneak a look back at him and stick out your tongue. He just flips you off before he disappears. You tell Ryan to follow you as you get into your car, and he gets into his, and you lead him back to your apartment. It’s quiet when you both walk in, and Adam isn’t even around anymore. Suddenly, you’re a bit irritated he didn’t stick around. You were supposed to be rubbing this in his face… Or something! Maybe not. You wanted him to leave, wanted to spite him, and clearly you did enough to make him piss off. 

You’re… Almost a little sad, now. How awful of you. 

“Sorry, uh… Don’t have a lot of people over. Or room in here.” You admit, as you motion to only the beanbag. It’s giant, sure, but it’s not a couch. “I could grab a chair from the nook, though, if you prefer.”

“No, no, this is fine! I really like it.” Ryan laughs a bit, taking a seat on one end of the beanbag, and you do the same. You flick on the television, and open up a streaming service. You both look through it, trying to decide what to watch, and finally decide on some documentary(courtesy of Ryan choosing it). You settle in, beginning to watch, and you’re just waiting for Adam to pop up at any moment. Nothing. You tap your finger on your arm. It’s quiet. A bit awkward. Ryan is fidgeting a bit, and so are you, and you suddenly wonder how this is going to go. He has the same idea, as he’s stealing glances at you occasionally. 

Well. Fine, then. You didn’t invite Ryan over because he was a good conversationalist. You inch closer to him, and he does to you as well. His arm moves around your back, and you lean closer, gingerly resting your head on his shoulder. A few more minutes like that before he starts to rub his hand up and down your back. You play with the buttons on his top, undoing one deftly. He glances down at you, and you peer up at him, smiling somewhat shyly as he offers back a similar look. He’s the first to lean in, but you’re the first to meet him in a kiss. It begins chaste, even if both of your hands don’t remain so much, before it begins to progress further. 

You sit up a bit more, slinging one leg between his own, stradling one of them now. You feel him lift his leg up a bit, and you can’t suppress the small groan that leaves your lips as you feel rub right up against your crotch. He gives a receptive groan and roll of his leg as you grind against him, bringing one hand to run through his hair, tugging on it. His palms slide down your back and sides, before one comes to grope your ass, and the other briefly fondles your breast, before he tugs on the hem of your shirt. You oblige, popping open another one for his own shirt, and he gets the message. You both briefly split from the kiss to remove your shirts, before diving back in with more fervor. 

As you grind yourself on his leg, you allow one of your hands to travel down and palm him through his pants, able to feel how he’s straining already. For a moment, you both break the kiss for air, and he takes the time to tilt your head to the side, trailing sloppy kisses down your neck and collarbone as he works his hands on the back to unclasp your bra. You pant against him, head tilted, eyes half lidded, before you catch sight of something out of the corner of your eye. You gasp in shock just as your bra comes off, recoiling in fear as you see Adam standing off to the side. To your credit, he looks completely unimpressed, arms crossed, eyebrow raised as he watches the scene. 

Ryan pauses, thinking you were startled by what he was doing. He looks flustered, gaze heavy with lust and confusion. “Sorry! I thought we were… Going to…” He begins, trailing off, and you look back at him, feeling flustered yourself. 

“Yeah! Sorry, I thought… I saw something…” You begin to apologize, and you hear Adam blow a raspberry and give a thumbs down. 

“C’mon, it was just gonna get good! Thought you wanted to fuck him, ‘tits. That’s why you invited him over, right?” He sneers, walking over now, looming over the two of you. You can’t help but to stare up at him, eyes wide, body incredibly warm in both arousal and embarrassment. It looks strange to Ryan, obviously, and he draws you back to him with a hand slowly creeping up your back. “Are… Are you okay?” He asks, quietly, tentatively. 

“Y-Yes, I’m…” You taper off, unsure what to say. Adam shifts to stand behind you, putting a hand on your neck, slowly pushing your body closer to Ryan. 

“Well, go on. Fuck him. You wanted to, right?” He hisses out, and you find yourself trembling. Why is… Why is Adam doing this? Why is he egging you on, when it sounds like he doesn’t actually want you to be doing this? Is this a test? Your trembling doesn’t stop, and that’s finally when Ryan grimaces a bit, pushing you back. Adam doesn’t force you forward anymore, letting you go as your date sits up. 

“We don’t have to do this. It’s fine. It’s, um… A bit late, anyways, I should probably… Head out…” He clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck as he takes his hands away from you. You let out a breath, giving a small, spaced out nod as you shakily roll to the side. Ryan grabs his shirt, deftly slipping it back on and buttoning it up. All you can do is sit and watch, feeling Adam squinting at you out of the corner of your eye. Ryan gets to his feet, finally, clearing his throat once more as he looks down at you. “It was… Nice to meet you.” He winces, rubbing the back of his neck, and all you can do is purse your lips and nod in response. He takes that as his queue to leave, awkwardly turning and shuffling out to the door. 

“...Drive safe.” You balk, weakly, after him as the door shuts behind him. You’re still topless, arms covering your breasts, and once he’s gone, you hear Adam sigh out. 

“FINALLY. Holy shit he was soooo boring. Can’t believe you were trying to prove some point by inviting him over.” The angel huffs, plopping down next to you on the beanbag as you grab the remote. You just sit there, frozen, unsure of what to do or say. You feel as awkward as Ryan felt earlier as he begins to flip through channels. “I mean, not like that guy would’ve actually gotten you off I bet.” He laughs, flaring a wing out to slap you with it. You sputter lightly, shifting forward as you feel the soft feathers against your back. “Be a babe and get me some chips, will ya?” Numbly, you just stand up, still trying to process everything that’s happening. You still feel flustered. The inside of your underwear are slick, a true testament to how long it’s been since you’ve fooled around with someone else. 

For a moment, you just stare down at Adam. He glances up at you, looking bored, and then irritated. He opens his mouth to say something, but you finally find your voice. “What– Why– Why did you do that? Interrupt us? Do you know how… How inappropriate that was!?” Now that the shock and embarrassment is wearing off, you finally feel anger broiling to the surface. You wave your hands about somewhat for emphasis. “You could have just interfered with something big for me! What if him and I were like… Fate, or something!? He could’ve been the love of my life! I’ll never know what could’ve been, now, because you popped up and were fucking weird!” You’re flushed again, baring your teeth in anger. What infuriates you even more is that, even though Adam’s eyes don’t have pupils, you can very clearly tell that he’s staring at your boobs. Right, you’re still shirtless. 

“Adam!!” You shriek in frustration, grabbing your shirt and throwing it at his face. It’s his turn to sputter out, grabbing the garment as you snatch up your bra and begin to storm away, starting to put it back on. 

“Chill, bitch, I’m listening! Why the fuck you getting so uppity for?” He snaps out, and you hear him get up too. Well, you hear the beanbag shift slightly, and you don’t even hear him as he seems to glide effortlessly over to you, grabbing your arm and flipping you around to face him. At this point, your bra is back on, but his eyes are actually on your face this time. “I literally helped you!” 

“Helped me!?” You blanch, incredulous at his claim. “How the fuck did cockblocking me help me!? Everything was consensual!” He just sneers at this, poking a finger into your chest. 

“Because you didn’t actually want it. You were just trying to prove a point, weren’t you?” He snips back, and your mouth opens. Goddammit, he’s right… Partially. You had just done it as a ‘fuck you’ to him, with how rude and openly he was complaining about Ryan, but… He was also hot, and it was just a casual fling. What was so bad about that? “Oh, come on, don’t tell me that walking snooze-fest actually was a turn on for you.” He scoffs, and you just shut your mouth. You feel your cheeks burning, and look away, feeling too embarrassed to have this discussion. 

“W-We’re not talking about this!” You finally stutter out, and he makes an incredulous noise as you turn to leave. He just grips your arm again, though, pulling you back towards him. 

“No. Fucking. Chance.” He grits his teeth, hand reaching down to pop the button on your jeans. You squeal out, trying to writhe out of his grasp, but stop with a gasp as you feel his fingers push right past your panties and slide between your folds. A squeak leaves you, thankfully, instead of a moan that wants to come out. You’re still aching, afterall, even after getting upset with this whole ordeal. Adam brings his fingers out, looking over the slick that thickly covers his gloves, and a sneer appears on his face. “Un-fucking-believable that guy got you this worked up.” He snips, glaring at you and your flustered features. That sneer quickly winds into a smirk, though, as he brings his fingers up to his mouth. 

“Don’t–” You try to take control, but can only bite your lip as you watch his golden tongue poke out and drag the two digits covered in your slick down it, before he sucks on them. “Oh my God!” You whine, finally pulling yourself free as you turn away, hands covering your face. 

“Good girls don’t go to Heaven when they use the Father’s name in vain.” His hands are on your shoulders, his head craning near your neck. You feel his breath hot on you, and a shudder runs down your spine as you try to suppress whatever primal urge is inside of you that wants you to turn around and beg Adam to shove his fingers back down your pants again. 

“I– I’m going to bed– Alone!” You finally manage to work out of your mouth, shrugging away from him, rubbing your arms as you try to stem the heat flaring through your body. He doesn’t give follow, and just scoffs once more. 

“Really? You just gonna go to sleep blueballed?” You hear him huff. “Dickmaster right here, remember!”

“Fuck you!” You snarl back, the events of tonight playing out in your mind once more, making you terse and aggravated. You turn around once you’re in your room, ready to slam the door, and he’s just standing there, eyebrow raised, arms crossed. 

“Yeah, sure, I’m right here.” He grins, and you snarl in frustration, slamming the door. “Your loss, bitch! Have fun with your hand!” You hear him bark, and you can only assume he’s gone, as you don’t hear anything else outside your room. With a groan, you walk over to your bed, flopping onto it. You rub your hands across your face, grimacing as you see some of your makeup come off in the process. Tonight had been a clusterfuck, to say the least, and you feel on the verge of tears from it all. Part of you wants to cry, but you do your best to suppress the urge, biting the inside of your cheek. 

“‘Have fun with your hand’.” You find yourself scoffing out his words, glaring up at the ceiling, before you promptly flick it off. “Fuck you, pervy asshole. Bet you would like me to do that so you can watch like some fucking weirdo.” You don’t even know if he can hear you, but you can only hope so. Or maybe not. How desperate are you to get a jab in, after all? You just groan out, getting up. You clean the makeup off your face, and change into night clothes as you crawl back into bed. The first thing you do is go to the app you met Ryan on and unmatch, because you are far too embarrassed about this situation to want to see him again. 

…And, Adam was right. Ryan was really boring.

[meta-enthusiasm]

Y'all remember lease bound, that incredibly transphobic, antisemitic webcomic? Well, you can add 'racist' to the list as well. Look at the way the creator writes black men, or rather, the singular black, male character she chose to write and not kill off like his father; Jacob, younger brother to Jaiden.

He's indifferent and lacks empathy.

He's messy, undisciplined

Text reads:

(Jo: Did you press start on the washing maschine this morning, Jacob?

Ja: oops forgot again, soz)

He's unreliable and uncaring/ignorant at how his inaction influences others.

He has to be threatened before he does any housework, he's lazy beyond belief.

Whether intentional or not, the creator made him into the 'lazy n*gro' stereotype perpetuated amongst slavers to justify their crimes against black people.

The last picture I posted is the most obvious embodiment of this belief; Jacob literally has to be threatened with violence before doing his share. That's how slavers justified whipping and otherwise torturing black people to get them to 'work' for them.

They spread the belief that Africans were naturally lazy people who needed a firm master who told them what to do, otherwise they would lounge around all day and do nothing of value, similar to a horse or dog. They need another (preferably white) person who orderes them around, and getting the indifferent, lazy, uncaring slaves to work necessitated the threat of violence.

Jacob falls into the 'Sambo' or 'Coon' stereotype.

The decision to write her sole male, black character present that way probably stems from her distatste of men in general.

"Propaganda to men's humanity" Ah yes, because as we all know, men aren't really human and can never be expected to have the empathy, goodwill and selflessness as a woman. Their moral inferiority and indifference is in their dna, and we should just accept that they're all naturally bad people. /s

This is what happens when you unironically believe shit like "All men are bad" and "All men should be locked up in cages" without reflecting on how these opinions might be harming moc and further racist stereotypes they have to deal with. Moc already deal with enough dehumanization and comparisons to animals. They're already viewed as less human.

Anyways, please report the comic if you have acess to boosty and goodreads, maybe then it will be taken down for good.

@fluffytimearts

[deepdeanvsweston]

oh thanks for answering my George/Hazel ask (and wow those are great)! if you’re still answering for the mmu ask game, what would ur answers be for 17 and/or 18? also, for 30, there was a post about the dss ending, is there anything in particular you don’t like about it?

That's perfectly alright! I had so much fun answering idk if you could tell I'm really into the ship /j

I am ALWAYS answering the MMU ask game!

17. Least favourite canon ship (including past ones)

Hmmm I did have to think for this one! There's nothing I particularly hate with every fibre of my being sort of thing, but I'm saying Daisy x Amina. She was in 2 books max, and I felt I didn't really get to know her very well and also that the fandom was forced to make things up about her as opposed to simply doing it for fun. Additionally, it felt to me that Daisy was written as needing to have a girlfriend by the end of the series to consolidate her being a lesbian, which I also didn't like. In essence, their relationship moved too fast for me.

However, I can very well see the potential and think if Amina had been introduced earlier and they'd been academic rivals to lovers (NOT enemies to lovers mind you I despise that trope) I could well get on board with it.

18. Least favourite noncanon ship

Again, I don't hold particularly strong negative feelings for ships I don't like, apparently just really strong positive feelings for the ones I do! But if I had to pick one, probably Kitty/Beanie. I just find them as a ship a bit boring, though if someone were to write a passionate post being like "HERES WHY THEY WOULD WORK!!!" I might be swayed.

30. Free space!!! Ask anything MMU related :)

And in anon's case they've asked why I don't like the ending of DSS.

Do not get me started I dislike it so much and it makes me slightly uncomfortable??? Listen,,, I LOVE MMU I think everyone who sees my blog can tell this however this grates on me deeply. I HATE HATE HATE how all 4 of the main detectives were paired up at the end. There was no need for it and it felt forced, especially Lavinia (comphet queen in my, and trust me when I say this, professional opinion) and George. Hazel and Alex I can cope with fine. It had been building up and hinted at and so makes logical sense (I don't like the way it was done though as I think what Hazel needed then was not a bf but just friends there to support her). Daisy and Amina felt rushed too, like they had 2 books in which even their interactions were brief. Really felt like it was pushing the fact that Daisy had to have a gf to be verified as a lesbian, as explained above. George imo was soooo ooc to be like "rip Daisy, soz Hazel, but uhhh. Yeah. I wanna wife one of your dormmates up" especially as he usually seems so in tune with what's going on around him, as seen notably in DITS:

"It's not difficult to work out!" George protested, shrugging his shoulders. "Bridget looks rushed. I can smell beef tea boiling. Hazel looks tired, she doesn't have her handkerchief in her pocket and Daisy isn't here. Daisy can't be dead, otherwise Hazel would be crying with her handker chief in her hand. But, if Daisy were simply ill, it would explain the beef tea and Bridget and Hazel would have sat up worrying about Daisy all night, and given Daisy her handkerchief when hers were all used up. See? Elementary."

I suppose it could be blamed on grief but idk.

It also grates on me because of the kind of message it's sending, especially as the book series target demographic is 9-12??? Like 'oh no the book series is ending! All the 15/16 year old teenagers have to be paired up because they can't have satisfying endings otherwise!!!' but also I'm arospec so that is going to give me a biased view, but still.

[louisisalarrie]

https://www.tumblr.com/louisisalarrie/751165968174153728/so-i-keep-seeing-stories-from-girls-saying-theyve

So this ask is me and you asked what makes it believable…well, the podcast story for one (which was from last year I think) seems pretty believable to me. It’s actually a cute story. No shade thrown at Louis, she says he was lovely and a great kisser. He took her number (don’t think he gave his) and messaged her a few times - by then he’d left LA - and then contact stopped. He’s not that big of a name in the music/celeb world - don’t get me wrong I love him but he keeps a fairly low profile - so this girl has no reason to lie in my opinion. Most folks who listen to her podcast probably have no idea who he is apart from the 1D link. Her podcast doesn’t appear to be about 1D - although I’ve not seen what else she’s done. She doesn’t appear to be a fan in fact I don’t even think she knew who he was at first, others told her.

Her story is also very similar to others that claim to have made out with him. Girl meets him in a bar/club where he’s usually with at least one other friend, they kiss, his friend kind of protects their privacy…and then nothing beyond. No stories of them going back to his hotel, sleeping with him or anything like that. Just club make outs! There was a photo doing the rounds a while ago of him sat with a girl in Mexico I think. The story from her friend was that they’d made out and it does sort of look that way from the pic but honestly who knows!

I’d say he has a type!

Of course none of these may be true (and I’m quite happy for you tell me they’re not!) but there does seem to be a reoccurring theme…

Eepers. Welcome to the show, anon!

ok I think im just gonna touch on a couple of things here for you anon:

1. About him being not big enough/why would people lie: he’s not Harry, and so it’s simply because it’s more believable. We don’t see Harry out and about at clubs. We don’t see him getting drunk and surrounded by gals in a filthy club. But we do see Louis doing that. Louis is open about his alcohol and drug use so it’s a lot easier to fabricate things about him because it’s no secret that he goes out. But I simply don’t believe he’s on the pull.

2. Continuing with texts: if he was on the pull, he wouldn’t just make out with a girl, keep texting her, and then ghost shortly after. I feel like it would be a hit it and quit it more likely, because why bother texting after if you have no intention on seeing them again? Would it just be to make him look better/because he’s a nice guy? I think it makes it seem that he was more interested in her. But in my experience, artists don’t do that, unless they wanna uphold the relationship to see that person every time they’re in town. But I just don’t think it’s the case.

3. Not being a fan: of course she wouldn’t post this from a Louis account or whatever, as it would make it more unbelievable. And you’re right, I doubt she’s a fan, and becaude she’s like “oh im not a fan” it makes it seem, again, more believable.

4. Similar stories: upholding the narrative is what makes these stories more believable. Someone says a story, paints a picture of Louis, then another person claims they made out with him too but aligns their “story” with what the other person said because it seems consistent, and the more people with a similar experience, the easier it is to believe it’s him.

5. Club make outs: these are by far the easiest to fabricate, because going back to an artist’s hotel these days seems ridiculous and too far fetched. You have to uphold a longer and more detailed story, and you’ll probably get more hate, ya know?

6. Random girls: like… okay. Listen. Making out with randoms is a surefire way to get sick when on tour. You don’t know what germs you’re getting and it’d be a big risk. Hook up with someone and wake up the next day with a sore throat? Soz, your show is cancelled!

And finally, just to put things in perspective:

Would you believe me if I said I’d hooked up with Louis? I just run this account because I once believed larry were together and I still fight for them because of the injustices they went through as kids. I’ve never discussed it before, because it’s quite clear im a fan, and it would sound quite unbelievable. But when I worked with him on tour, he invited a few of us for post show drinks, and we went out to a club with a VIP area out of sight. Oli and his crew were there, and we all drank and laughed, and had a dance. Louis grabbed my waist and we started making out, and it was super hot. I was obviously really shocked! But he was super sweet and a good kisser so I just went with the flow.

So, we continued to dance and make out and oli and security kinda noticed a few people from the dance floor below the balcony VIP area we were in, started to notice that there may have been someone famous up there. Oli moved to the front to block us, we continued making out, and luckily there was only one photo posted and I immediately asked the person to take it down. We carried on drinking shots and vodka redbulls together, celebrating an awesome Australia tour.

Louis was very touchy for the rest of the night, but we just had a laugh. He asked for my number, I gave it to him, and he said he’d text me the next day. I went back to my hotel with my workmates, and was in absolute shock and so weirded out that he was actually into women!?!?!! The whole Larry thing just dropped for me, and it turned out that yeah… the other stories were true.

We texted back and forth the next day, both laughing about our hangovers, and he was super sweet. He said he’d like to see me again when he’s in AU, and kept in touch even when he left. Communication fizzled out on his end and I figured like whatever he’s a super busy guy, and I left it at that. He was super gentle and sweet though, and very funny and loud. It was so wild!

[phyrestartr]

OMGOMGOGMG U LIKE MHA TOO!!!!! I love the todoroki family SOO much the ending felt so short n lackluster 😭 like it was GOOD but i personally wanted MORE!!!! Dabi and Shoto's dynamic is so interesting and I REALLY wanted to see them interact more outside of the fight scenes

YESSS I used to be obsessed with heroaca for the longest time 😭 then it started veering into KNY and I only popped into the manga to look for Touya-related stuff. (tbh I think I'm just too old/my interests don't really reside in the whole pure "THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND UNDERSTANDING WILL SAVE YOU" type protagonist/story. Much rather how some ppl are just bad and cannot be "saved," which is why I enjoy JJK so much)

THEN when the Touya arc in the war was done, I stopped reading altogether until the latest chap bc I wanted to see what happened w my crispy chikkin nugget boi. And then, naturally, nothing happened, resolutions are going to happen off-screen in a future we don't get to witness (probably), and he's just gonna wither away into nugget ash.

Hori did a wonderful job building up Dabi, lacing him w mystery enough that the fanbase regularly argued abt if Dabi was Touya until the reveal, and then the revealed backstory was good and the fight was very uuuuuuh IDK LOL I think the anime will be more exciting than the mangs, bc the manga and the way it pushed and pulled was so uninteresting, and we all expected Endeavor and Touya to fight but instead it was Shouto and Touya, which was such a buzzkill imo?? (Could be remembering that wrong tho the manga went on for way too long w way too many characters). IDK I'M JUST SO DISSATISFIED LOL. AND THE OPPORTUNITY TO HEAL TOUYA W ERI IS THERE BUT INSTEAD WE LET HIM DIE IG?? O K A Y.

I really do love the Touya/Shouto character foils, but the fact that THAT wasn't built up as a motivator Touya over the Enji drama is so aggravating bc the payoff doesn't match up. Natsuo and Fuyumi and Rei not even really having a backstory/relationship w Touya is so mid, too like fjakbekrkkdkzka SO MUCH MORE COULD HAVE BEEN DONE AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO INTERESTING. BUT IT WAS PUNTED ASIDE FOR THE SAKE OF A MID AF A-PLOT LIKE o(--( I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABT *TOUYA* NOE THAT DABI IS GONE U FEEL ME

SORRY FOR LONG REPLY IM UUST SO UPSET BC TOUYA IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS EVER BRO IM SO MAD!!!!! AND JUST MAKING HIM CRY EVEN THO I THOUGHT HIS TEAR DUCTS WERE GONERS AND THEN BE LIKE "SOZ SHOUTO" LIKE BRO WHAT FOR U DID ALL UR SHIT IN THE NAME OF ENDEAVOR LIKE-- im tired