#<- i know i've been saying that for days now but i'll actually do it today
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ATEEZ MASTERLIST / REQUEST
your adorable nerd boyfriend yunho ♡
"Yunho!" You walk into the studio holding a bag of carry-out food. "You still here?"
Yunho's head peeks out from behind the soundproof door, his eyes bloodshot and weary. "Couldn't get the harmony right," he murmurs, his voice barely audible over the faint strums of an unplugged guitar. "Think I'm gonna need to tweak the bridge a bit."
"Aw, baby," You walk over, sitting the carry-out on a chair nearby and kicking the door behind you closed. "You're burning the midnight oil again. What's up?"
"I just-" he sighs. "Hongjoong asked if I wanted to help on the album and I said yes but it's just not coming out right. I'm no good at this."
Your face curls up as you giggle. "Yunho, are you kidding? You're, like, super fucking talented when it comes to making music! You literally wrote a song for me every valentines day and every birthday I had since we first started dating. Why are you so…down? What's with the sudden self-doubt?"
"I've just--been real stressed." He sighs. "I had a shit ton of promotions and a shit ton of practice and work to do and then having to work on the album I-"
"Then tell Hongjoong you won't be able to? You know he won't be mad. You guys have been friends for ages." You rub his shoulders gently, feeling the tension knotting his muscles. You smile warmly and push his glasses up his nose. "You're doing too much."
He rolls his eyes. "Sure. But I want to keep working on it. I wanna participate. I wanna help Hongjoong. Everything has just been stressing me out and we haven't done anything with each other in ages-"
"What do you mean? I hangout in the studio with you literally every time you come in here." You furrow your eyebrows and then pause realizing what he means. "Oh..~"
Yunho nods his head. "Yeah, but it's not the same. I've been so busy, I feel like I've lost touch with everyone, especially with you." He turns to face you, placing the guitar aside. "And I don't wanna disappoint him. I know he's counting on me."
"Well do you want me to help…?" You tilt your head and place your hand on his thigh. "Help with the tension?" You say with a cheeky smile.
Yunho laughs, the first genuine one in hours. "I'd love that," he says, leaning back into the chair and closing his eyes. "But I actually meant with the music."
"So you don't want head?"
He pauses. "Well, both, actually." He opens one eye and peers at you with a half-smile. "I mean, I'm not opposed to it."
You smile and get on your knees, scooting closer and grabbing the hem of his sweatpants. "Just work on the music. I'll do what I need to do." You start to massage his legs, feeling the tightness in his muscles slowly release under your skilled touch. Yunho sighs deeply, leaning his head back.
You bite your lip, pushing his sweatpants down and running your fingers over the bulge showing in his boxers. "Let's get these off," you murmur, your voice low and teasing. He lifts his hips slightly to help you, his breath catching in his throat. You never got over his size, and the way his body responds to your touch still sends shivers down your spine. As you pull his boxers down, his erection springs free, and you wrap your hand around it, giving it a gentle squeeze. Yunho groans, his eyes fluttering open to meet yours, full of heat and need.
With a wink, you lean in, placing soft kisses along his inner thigh, making him squirm. The studio's dim lighting casts a warm glow on his skin, highlighting the goosebumps that rise from your touch. The faint smell of sweat and the lingering scent of guitar strings mingle with his unique scent, creating a heady cocktail of desire. You trace the veins on his cock with your tongue, feeling him twitch in your grip. You look up at him, his eyes now wide with anticipation, and you take him fully in your mouth, sucking and teasing with the perfect amount of pressure. His hips buck, but he quickly stifles the sound, not wanting to disturb the quiet of the night.
"So pretty…" he mumbles, watching as you work your magic. The words are barely a whisper, but the intensity behind them sends a thrill through you. You've always loved this power, the ability to make him feel this way, to make him forget about the stresses of the world outside these walls.
You move your mouth up and down, finding the rhythm that makes his toes curl and his hands tighten in your hair. His eyes are glued to the sight of you, kneeling before him, your lips wrapped around him. The taste of him is familiar, but it never gets old, never fails to make your stomach flip with excitement.
He grabs your hair, guiding your movements, and you feel a shiver run through him. The quietness of the studio is only broken by the occasional sound of someone passing by outside, the distant sound of cars on the street, and the muffled thump of music coming from the other side of the building. It's a stark contrast to the symphony of your heart beating in your ears and the wet sounds of your mouth on his skin.
"You're so pretty, baby," Yunho whispers, his voice strained with pleasure as he watches you, his eyes hooded with lust. You look up, meeting his gaze, and the connection between you is palpable, a silent promise that no matter what happens, you'll always be there to take the edge off.
You moan around his cock, the vibration sending shivers down his spine. He's getting closer, you can feel it in the way his thighs tense and his breathing quickens. You pick up the pace, eager to give him the release he so desperately needs. The tip of your nose nuzzles against his pelvis as you deep-throat him, your throat tightening around his length.
"F-Fuck-!" he chuckles and leans forward, his hand gripping the chair's armrest tightly as he watches you in rapt attention. "Just like that, baby… just like that…" His voice is a hoarse whisper, his eyes glazed with lust as you continue your relentless ministrations. The way you take him in, the passion in your eyes as you suck him off, it's like nothing he's ever felt before.
You flutter your eyelashes as you look up at him, your eyes watering slightly from the effort, but the look of pure ecstasy on Yunho's face spurs you on. You feel the heat building in your own core, the friction of your own arousal against your thighs as you continue to suck and lick, bringing him closer to the edge. His grip on your hair tightens, and you know he's about to come.
His eyes are tightly shut, his head thrown back, and his breaths come in sharp gasps. You feel the muscles in his thighs tighten even further, and you know that he's on the brink. With one final, deep suck, you feel him pulse in your mouth, and he lets out a strangled moan as he releases. You swallow eagerly, savoring the taste of him, feeling his body relax as the tension drains from his muscles.
You only slow for a moment, now wrapping your other hand around his cock and stroking it as you swallow the last of his cum. You sit back on your heels, smiling up at him, your mouth glistening. Yunho's chest heaves as he looks down at you, his eyes still clouded with pleasure. "Thank you," he murmurs, his voice raw and needy.
You smile, leaning back down and kitten licking his tip once again, gently sucking on his tip. He literally jolts at the sensation, his body still reeling from the intense orgasm. "Holy fuck, I just came-"
You chuckle in response, pushing his cock further in your mouth, enjoying the way he squirms. "You can always come more," you murmur, your voice muffled by his flesh. You love teasing him, pushing his limits, making him feel good. It's a power dynamic you both thrive on, one that has grown over the years of your relationship. You swirl your tongue around his sensitive tip before popping it out again. "Can I get one more?"
"I…" he sighs, his body still trembling slightly. "I'm not sure I can handle another one right now." He opens his eyes and looks at you, his smile lazy and content. "But, if you want…"
"You've handled it before." You purr, stroking him gently, watching the pleasure play out on his face as you bring him back to full hardness. The challenge in your tone is clear, and it ignites a competitive spark in Yunho's eyes. He nods, a silent agreement to let you continue your sweet torment.
With renewed enthusiasm, you swirl your tongue around his shaft, feeling his cock twitch in response. Each touch, each lick is met with a soft gasp or moan, his hands tangling in your hair as he guides your movements. The studio's ambiance adds a layer of intimacy to the moment, the muffled sounds of the world outside seemingly fading away as you focus solely on bringing him pleasure.
The overstimulation of his senses is almost too much for Yunho to handle. He watches you, mesmerized by the way your eyes light up with mischief and desire, your mouth a perfect "O" around his cock, your tongue flicking and teasing with the finesse of a pro. The way you manipulate him is like an art form, a symphony of pleasure that he's all too willing to succumb to. He leans back into the chair, his legs spreading wider to give you more access, his body arching off the seat slightly as you deep-throat him again.
He opens his mouth as if he was going to say something, but no words come out. Instead, he releases a low groan as you continue to suck him off, your movements deliberate and practiced. The sound echoes faintly in the studio, sending a thrill through you. You've always loved making him feel this good, reducing him to a puddle of need and desire.
His groans even started turning into whimpers and it was the sweetest sound in the world to your ears. You could feel your own arousal building, your pussy throbbing and wet, begging for attention. But you knew you had to focus on him right now. You sucked harder, your cheeks hollowing as you took him deep, feeling the warmth of his cock in your mouth, the pulse of his blood beating against your tongue. You could tell he was close again, his body tensing and his breaths coming in short gasps.
"Fuck-" he whines, gripping the arm rests so tightly his knuckles turn white. "Oh my fucking god,"
You laugh around his cock, feeling the vibrations from his voice resonate through your mouth and into him. The sound spurs you on, your movements becoming more urgent. You can feel your own orgasm building as you watch him lose control. You've always had this effect on each other, pushing each other's boundaries, finding new ways to make the other feel alive.
"Fuckfuckfuck," his glasses even started to fall off his face. You giggle, reaching up with one hand to gently push them back up, not breaking the rhythm of your mouth. His eyes are now fully open, watching you with a mix of amazement and lust. "You're gonna make me come again," he whispers, his voice strained and desperate.
You nod, your eyes sparkling with mischief. You're enjoying this, the power you hold over him, the way he's at your mercy. You increase the pace, your hand moving in tandem with your mouth, stroking and sucking with a fervor that leaves him trembling. The studio's air feels thick with desire, the scent of sex and sweat mingling with the faint aroma of music equipment.
"Fuck, Y/N," he gasps. "Fuckfuckfuck, I-I'm-" He can't even form the words as his hips thrust upward, meeting your mouth's eager suction. His orgasm crashes over him, and you feel the warmth of his cum fill your mouth once again. You swallow with a satisfied smile, feeling the muscles in your jaw relax as you release him with a final kiss to the tip.
You stand up, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand, watching as Yunho slumps back into the chair, his body boneless with pleasure. He opens his eyes to look at you, a lazy smile spreading across his face. "Thank you," he murmurs again, his voice thick with satisfaction. "Now, how about you?"
#ateez#ateez fanfic#ateez smut#ateez x reader#ateez imagines#ateez scenarios#ateez fanfiction#ateez hard hours#ateez fic#ateez hard thoughts#ateez x y/n#ateez x female reader#yunho fanfic#yunho angst#yunho smut#jeong yunho#yunho x reader#ateez yunho#yunho scenarios#yunho hard thoughts#yunho hard hours#yunho ateez#switch yunho#switch!yunho
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03 | Now playing: Dream Boy
from 'bad girls that haven't been caught' series
playlist | series masterlist
rindou is never not confused by you. he can never tell what mood you're in because of your consistent deadpan expression. you had two faces that you wore often—focused and resting. occasionally, you'd show some frustration but that's all he's ever seen.
the first day he started teaching you to play basketball after school was the day you asked him to. he remembers asking, "why do you want me to teach you all of a sudden?"
and he remembers you saying, "'cause you're the best basketball player in our class."
"that's not the answer i wanted."
"you asked why i wanted you to teach me, not why i wanted to learn. i don't think i'm misunderstanding anything." you shrugged, dribbling the basketball as best as you could.
rindou remembers standing, looking like a bathroom sign and gaping at you. "okay, smartass. so you did understand what i actually meant."
"shut up and help me already. i forgot how you said i was supposed to hold this."
on the second day he teaches you basketball, he didn't even know he was supposed to.
"this is a regular thing?"
"yes, i said i wanted you to teach me after classes."
"okay, but the plural form of class doesn't clarify you wanting me to do this everyday," rindou said, and he mentally cringes at how much like you he sounded.
"so, are you going to do it or not?" you asked with your arms crossed, foot tapping against the floor.
rindou looked you up and down and sighed. "i don't really have a choice, do i?"
"actually, you do. i've done your homework and you've taught me once. if you don't want to keep this up, it's fine."
he had no words. just, looked at you like you ruined the script of the movie of his life. and you did actually, with no emotion whatsoever. were you a robot? rindou took his glasses off, rubbing a hand over his face before putting them back on.
"so, you don't want to-"
"no, i'll do it."
the third day he teaches you basketball is today. curiosity is still eating at him and you were still avoiding telling him the actual reason why you wanted to learn basketball.
"you're not even, like, terrible at the other sports. you still learn for a good grade," he says. "so what's up with you and basketball?"
you shoot the ball towards the basket, and it successfully goes into the hoop—after several failed attempts.
"i don't like basketball, so i don't normally get a good grade for it. luckily, the bare minimum is enough," you answer him, but again, it's not quite the answer he's looking for.
"wait," rindou furrows his eyebrows. "now i'm even more confused. if you don't like basketball, why do you..." he trails off, seeing your gaze wandering.
members of the school's basketball team come entering. he tilts his head, "you said we could use the indoor court today."
you don't answer him, your eyes fixated on the group and he wishes he knew who exactly you were looking at.
rindou doesn't know most of their names, but he does recognize the point guard. hayashi fumio, the smartest guy in the class and also your academic rival. he sure is chatting it up with the pretty first year manager, rindou thinks to himself.
"guess i was wrong," you remark in response after some delay. "we'll just have to continue outdoors."
fumio looked like he was going to wave at you, but stops when he sees that you're not sparing him a single glance. for a moment, he makes eye contact with rindou but doesn't get enough time to react when their manager calls out to him again.
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#bad girls that haven't been caught: series#tokyo revengers#tokrev#tokyo rev#tokyo revengers x reader#tokrev x reader#tokyo rev x reader#rindou haitani#haitani rindou#rindou x reader#haitani rindou x reader#rindou haitani x reader#tokrev rindou#tr rindou#tokyo revengers rindou
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Maple Leafs Part 2
Pairing: Lance Stroll x Daniel Ricciardo x Black! Reader
Warnings: Mention of Racism! REALLY FLUFFY! other than that part.
Summary: When Daniel Ricciardos old friend finally comes to a race and all of a sudden she meets "everyons favorite Canadian" and now they both fall for her!
Words : N/A
Notes: THIS IS PART TWO You should read part one first! The app i usually for text is not down for free gc so if this one looks weird SORRY!
Part 1
@ lance_stroll story
babeswhoisyn
babeswhosyn Having fun with the boys
Creator Limited Comments
daniel3.jpg
daniel3.jpg it’s getting fun
username1 he’s posting Lance now? What is this?
-> username2 shes healing the bridge it seems.
username3 DANNY! LETS GO KEEP PUSHING
itsynbabes
itsynbabes Short break! It’s fun times.
tagged lance_stroll
lance_stroll it’s fun with you as well.
-> itsynbabes I’m happy you feel that way.
danielricciardo I still can’t believe this. You spend all your time with him now.
-> itsynbabes That is simply not true.
-> danielricciardo Yes it is.
username4 dare I say Danny is jealous? can I?
username5 this is so cute, happy they’re both happy
username6 I still don’t agree with this.
itsynbabes
itsynbabes Hungary HERE I AM! Another race weekend another dramatic event.
username7 She knows something!
username8 What’s happening?
yukitsunoda0511 Don’t jinx us!
maxverstappen1 Is it my comeback?
-> lando I hope not
-> itsynbabes SICK
itsynbabes
itsynbabes Black is Back Baby! Congratulations Lewis + George! You bought fought well.
PINNED itsynbabes Comments Are Limited Because I will not put up with racism. Good day!
lewishamilton Thank you yn.
georgerussel63 Sad outcome but it happens.
Creator Has Limited Comments
itsynbabes
itsynbabes after the week i had, happy for it to be summer break!
danielricciardo Summer break time, we're going to have fun.
-> itsynbabes I bet!
username9 Take a break honey you deserve it
username10 you don't deserve all the hate
lance_stroll We’re going to have a great summer
-> itsynbabes Thank you baby.
itsynbabes
itsynbabes that's the best summer i've had in a while, thank you guys
lance_stroll Anything for my Princess.
-> danielricciardo does that make you Sir. Lancelot?
-> lance_stroll i think it does.
username11 ARE THEY GETTING ALONG!
-> itsynbabes I know, crazy right? i'm doing gods work.
-> username12 Period!
@ itsynbabes story
itsynbabes
itsynbabes sorry for not posting a lot but here we go to the Italian GP!
TWITTER
F1 News Now Posted
Lance Strolls Girlfriend Yn gets into heated agrument with Aston fan after they called her a racial slur. Click the Link to Read More.
-> UPDATE : Photos from the scene! Lance Stroll and Daniel Ricciardo run to her aid after being not far away and hearing about the incident. Is this the end to their fued? Will Yns issues help them over come their differences?
itsynbabes
itsynbabes Fuck you too, and i meant it. For those of you who actually support me i'll be taking a break from posting, but i will still be on my story and going to races. love you guys.
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lewishamilton
lewishamilton This is so unacceptable, as a community racism and remarks are not something that should be normalized. What happened at the last race was not nice, or cool. See More…
Comments For This Post Have Been Turned Off
lance_stroll
lance_stroll what happened at the Italian Grand Prix is not expectable by any means. This sport has no place for hate.
Comments For This Post Have Been Turned Off
@ itsynbabes story
daniel3.jpg
daniel3.jpg A nice stroll never hurt.
TWITTER
F1 News Now Posted
Is Daniel Ricciardo Coming out as Bisexual? During the Dutch Grand Prix, he said “I don’t care who he/she is as long as we treat each other well.” On the fan stage.
@ danielricciardo story
— Taglist , to join to taglist click here
@lyslsstuff
#f1#formula 1#f1 fanfic#f1 x reader#lance stroll x reader#lance stroll#daniel ricciardo#daniel ricciardo x reader#lance stroll x daniel ricciardo x reader#lance stroll x black reader#daniel ricciardo x bleack reader#lance stroll x daniel ricciardo x black reader#f1 smau#f1 x female reader
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I think we should just bring back Wungo Wednesday and start a fandom collective anime rewatch
#Because otherwise I can feel I won't last much longer#Because like. The last two hyperfixations of mine ended the moment I started feeling like there wasn't any new content#And two days ago in one day I started a new manga a new book and rewatching a favourite show#Whereas I hadn't started anything new in the two years ever since I got into bsd. Which makes it NOT a good sign#But the bsd anime has now ended for one month and 25 days and that's the last time the plot actually moved forward.#And if I counted right. The manga took 4 chapters (that is chapters 110-111) to adapt 6 minutes#That means it's going to take another 12 months (18 minutes left to adapt. that's 12 more chapters) to catch up with the anime#Yeah I'm not. sticking around this long with nothing new to see I'm sorry#Best case scenario I take a one year hiatus but that doesn't make it sound likely that I'll be back#And I know it's fresh news as early as this morning that author said they were introducing a new character but like.#They also said they finished writing this arc like. One year and half ago if I remember correctly?#And we still have yet to see the end of i t so...#That is to say. I'll probably be starting an anime rewatch starting next Wednesday. I've been meaning to do it for a while anyway#I don't want to leave the fandom I like the one chapter a month format#On the positive news I still have a queue of original posts that spans over ten months#And I was meaning to start the reblogs queue too in these days. So there's that#random rambles
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i'm actually not a lesbian yes the concept of heterosexual sex disgusts me on paper but it appeals to me with a few select men. and that's how i've always felt but the lesbian masterdoc which was written by a girl who turned out to be bi got me. and a lot of other bi women with a preference for women. it's crazy to have that much influence when you think about it
#i know how that sounds. but i want him BAD#yes it's the him i've been talking about i know i said i didn't think he was attractive like two weeks ago. but i happen to be very#attracted to him. these days#i actually am stealing that girl's man i'm sorry#when we're married like a week from now it's gonna be SOOOO HARD having to keep the fact that she likes him a secret because her being#jealous that we seemed to like each other is what made me go wait. DO WE?#i can tell him she thought he liked me and i liked him i'll just keep the part about her liking him out of the story#i've actually been thinking this for like two months not even because of this guy because the inconsequential crush i mentioned a few weeks#ago on someone i'm only seeing for three weeks from now until june was on a guy. and also other things#anyway. i think the concept of being bi and not wanting to date men needs to like be more mainstream i've seen the girls 'struggle with#comphet' and the comphet was literally an average crush on a man. lmao. like it's fine to not want to date men even if you're not incapable#of being into one#anyway. when i say i'm stealing this girl's man i'm obviously kidding it's just what i said in one of my posts. they're friends and he and#i are friends she and i are friendly but aren't friends she's kind of friends with my new bff but like not really since she told me her#secret that she has a crush on *guy*. what i mean is it's ethical she and i aren't friends. we've never texted that's the bare#minimum for being friends. but only in the broadest sense of the word (rory season 1 episode 9 rory's dance)#and like i say: brf slt
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i have officially returned. ask me anything.
#random thoughts#i'll probably answer it tomorrow because i'm tired. i don't know why.#ciel if you see this i've been nicer to myself these past few days following your birthday. taking care of myself in general aspects.#which i sort of hate myself for but it's okay because. uh. i won't be like this forever. i'll be better at what i'm trying to do i promise.#new year's resolution is not fucking with me.........#oh also!! i've been sort of feeling like a dead person at times. and also like a cockroach. i have had to repeatedly tell myself that#i'm not dead i'm not dead!!!!#because i'm not. obviously. and i know i'm not. my brain is just silly. it likes to tell me i am things i am not like book characters.#and recently my mother got me my own rosary and we've been practicing praying together with my brother.#can you imagine how bad it must be for me to turn to christianity as a coping mechanism? not even when i was terrorized with death thoughts#not even in august for fuck's sake.#but it's actually not that bad. though i think i like the idea of organized religion more than i like being a part of it.#also i feel like my being catholic (mostly non-practicing) is betraying the queer community somehow. like. queer people have suffered#so much because of the christian church in general. so it's like. being christian is weird when i'm also queer.#but also then i feel weird when i try to do things in relation to christianity. like. put saint in my artist name.#that feels blasphemous i don't know. is it?????? it's not that serious either way but. augh.#i am going to write a song about this. also fellow christians is it okay to use the lyric 'uselessly clutching her rosary' or is that bad?#because i mean. technically. the she i'm referring to sort of is. because god isn't solving any of our problems.#he's just fucking. watching. if he's even real.#(and no my disappearance isn't related to the catholicism thing it's something else. as in the one thing i haven't told anyone else but cie#and an irl friend. if you are ciel then i am completely open to talking about said thing.#otherwise i will continue to drop cryptic little notes on my blog because I AM SILLY. {: )#going to play roblox now and maybe say hello to you fuckers on discord for a bit of fun. goodbye.
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.
#just a little mental health check in mostly for myself just to write it down#I'm in a weird place#in some regards I've been doing really well lately#I've been more social which always does wonders for my mental health#on the other hand a couple weeks ago I was home alone for a couple days and I was so stir crazy I almost couldn't handle it#I've actually been happy with my body for the last few months and I haven't had any anxiety about food nor have I attempted any restrictions#that's been a big bonus#I'm having a lot of trouble with decisions lately. I'm second guessing everything to a stressing degree#I feel like a bad person for reasons I can't totally pinpoint. like I think I'm manipulating everyone but to what end I can't tell#and there's a part of me that knows this is irrational but I can't shake it#it's so weird being aware that I'm doing so well in many regards#but I'm also able to feel myself slipping into types of paranoia that I know I'm suseptible to#today's been better but for the last few days my heart rate has been noticeably high (which says a lot because it is generally high)#it's caused unease#I don't know if I really have a point to typing any of this out#I'm feeling fine overall. I'm happy with my life right now. I have plenty of things to look forward to in the near and further future#I can just tell something is a little off and I think it might be beneficial to my future self to write this out for sake of timeline#I really need to start tracking my period because it totally might be that. or you know. I have OCD and anxiety is just a part of my life#who knows. it could be a mix or nothing or everything#I don't think anyone's reading this whole thing lol but if anyone does I do want to leave the reassurance that I'm fine and I'll be fine#like I said. just keeping an eye on myself.#oh I thought of another positive thing! I've been way less freaked out about chemicals lately! that's a nice note to end this on!#ashley rambles
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hey ho I just noticed that amongst many of your posts you have some pretty nasty things to say about yourself! As a concerned follower I am here to tell you that does you no good whatsoever, and have expierenced where it can lead you to! (Even when said in jest)
As an outside observer I have determined that exactly 0 of your negative statements are true, so don't believe the lies you tell yourself! Change statements like "my art sucks" to "my art is pretty neat!" (Because it is) "....just kill me" to ".... just give me shrimp" (or fav food/object) "I feel awful and lonely" to " I see the sun rise and its beautiful, I feel nice." And "I have more friends than i realise" ( notice something beautiful or do things you like and appreciate them, you'll start to feel better I promise!
Take a moment to slow down and just breathe and observe all the good things around you (go outside if you have to)
Heres a book that talks about changing your inner monologue for the better, "What to say when you talk to yourself" by Shad Helmstetter its definitely worth a read
I love you and sending a crushing bear hug to you! 🫂🫂💙💙💙
Unfortunately yes I have many bad things to say about myself (I am my biggest hater).
I've been around some pretty toxic people in the past (and present, most of them are my relatives, yikes) and I guess it's just easier to say negative things about me rather than hear them say things (behind my back).
I try to do better but when you don't fit into society the way other people do, it's kinda disheartening, makes me wanna give up.
Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else honestly, or have some confidence.
I'll definitely try to check out that book, thanks for the recommendation :)
Many hugs to you too anon 🫂🫂
#I'll say my art is pretty neat when that becomes true#honestly I don't always fit society's 'geed person' archetype so I guess that has settled deep in my bones#I have very low empathy(?) I rarely feel 'bad' for other people. sure I don't want anything bad to happen but I don't start crying when I#hear that someone I don't know died. or someone I know. I don't really cry actually. once or twice per 3 months#I have difficulties with expressing my emotions (and I feel like I don't feel fully. not like other people do)#I'm trying to take moments to appreciate life(?) but even life doesn't always feel real. like a chore you have to power through. most days#surprisingly I go outside almost every day for around an hour to walk. the city I live now has a harbor and I love the sea#there are too many people there tho... I don't like people. they're loud and don't pay attention to their surroundings#the times I've been almost ran over by bikes or cars is surreal#not art#text#ask#anonymous#I didn't mean to make you concerned about me. don't be. there really isn't anything you can do#one of my other negative traits is that I'm extremely stubborn. almost nothing can change my opinion about something#I try to do better but that unfortunately isn't always enough#society has failed me on many levels and it's hard to see the 'bright side' when a literal war is happening#and people you know will hate you for who you are#sometimes I use words like 'disheartening' and I can't remember if the translation I have in mind is for the actual word or something else#I don't mean to sound so depressing I just feel like I might actually jave depression. or autism. or just something wrong
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Things To Make August (the Month of Existential Dread) Bearable
Pray. A lot.
Plan little summer adventures.
Write a fun little retelling (and hopefully finish it).
Read an Elizabeth Goudge book (Book 3 of the Elliot trilogy seems right, because Book 2 is coming to mind a lot as an appropriate summer book).
Remember that sunflowers exist. Find lots of them.
#random thought of the day#i had considered canceling august#just denying its existence and pretending it's july ii#because the whole month always feels like living beneath a guillotine blade that's about to drop#a downhill from summer and a dread of autumn and nothing actually good in and of itself#except for maybe sunsets when the melancholy at least feels a little right#but i've decided to embrace it and maybe find a better atmosphere for it#(yes i do have a specific retelling in mind)#(if you've been following the writing blog you know which one it is)#(but i'm not naming it because saying it aloud puts too much pressure on it)#(and this is supposed to be a pressure-free fun project)#(plus i recognize that i've not yet reached the one week mark)#(where i lose interest in most fun new projects)#(so i acknowledge the likelihood that in like 2-3 days i'll no longer want to write it)#(but for now i hold onto hope and think it has just the right vibe to make august something better)
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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#well I just submitted my essay for my history class so I'm finally done with finals#I wish I felt happier or relieved or something but I don't. I feel awful. my body hurts from the incredible amount of tension/anxiety I had#trying to finish it before 11:59. I submitted it at 11:55. I have never come that close before and I hate it#the amount of anxiety I had you'd think the deadline was hunting me for sport#and what's worse is I felt all this anxiety and put all this work into it and I'm not even happy about it#I spent two days trying to figure out what he wanted us to write about because apparently he just seems to be really bad at instructions#like I thought maybe it was just me overthinking but I spent two hours talking to my mom about it and in the end even she couldn't figure i#so then I had only two days to gather notes make an outline write an essay. while burnt out and barely able to focus.#and while not knowing exactly what I was doing like is this what he wants. is it not. who knows I literally don't have time left#to figure it out I just need to write something and hope it works#but I hate being unsure it makes everything harder#especially because I really wanted to make a good grade. this was the class where I made a 78 on my midterm#which brought my class grade to a B but I'd been able to get it back to an A and I'd be able to keep it if I got like an 80ish on the final#the essay turned out okay idk if it's what he wanted but whatever at least I got the other requirements like word count and sources#but the CITATIONS...we had to use chicago which I'd never used before and let me just say. mla is the love of my life after this.#actually chicago might not be that bad if I got used to it I think my violence should be directed toward every word processor#that links footnotes. it is so STUPID that there isn't an easier way to make them different#if it hadn't been for trying to figure out footnotes on google docs I could've submitted it like ten minutes earlier#and with phenomenally less stress#I eventually had to make a choice as to what I'd give up: (1) submitting it on time (2) perfect citations or (3) word doc#which is what he wanted it submitted as#except when I tried that thank goodness I looked at the preview before I submitted it because I saw that it'd messed up the citations#I ended up submitting it as a pdf. on time. with perfect (maybe) (I didn't have time to double check) citations. but not as a word doc.#is it the end of the world? idk probably not but not meeting a professor's requirements is like. anathema.#all of that is to say that I'm going to cry and then let it go and get to bed and just. idk. I've reached that point where#I'm so tired and numb that it feels like I'll never feel better#anyway#maybe I hurt because of my meds and the side effects decided to kick in now because the grace of God held them back long enough#for me to finish#earl crow ramblings
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If I had to choose between cutting off my hand and redoing grad school apps, I'd seriously consider the hand. Be gentle with yourself, it's a fucking slog. What kind of program are you looking into?
Thank you for the reminder to be gentle. This shit has been stressful, and having for various reasons only about a month and a half to actually do focused work on applying has SUCKED. Not looking forward to potentially having to do this again in the future (it's complicated but I'll explain why in a sec), but I am SO looking forward to two weeks from now when these applications are in and it's out of my hands, as much as the waiting game itself sucks in its own way.
As for programs, I don't want to get too specific. I was a double major in undergrad, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I've literally never met anyone else with those two specific majors. (Ftr one is a STEM field and the other in the humanities.) I want to keep studying both in some capacity in the future, but to make a long story short I'm stuck in a position where I have to hold off on applying to the program in the humanities for now.
As annoyed as I am about the 'long story' part of that, I'm totally fine with prioritizing the program in STEM for now. Hell, in some ways that's a good thing given the limited amount of time I have to work on applications. But at the same time, I've greatly limited the number of schools I'm applying to so I can focus on creating well-tailored applications for their specific programs and faculty, and that means each potential rejection would leave me with a far smaller share of options. It's a bit of a risk, but damn it I'm trying my best to show how strong of a student I've been and that I would work well with their specific people. Hopefully things work out in the end.
I hope your own efforts have paid off too, wherever life has taken you.
#it's hitting me now too how badly my undergrad school prepared me for this process#besides a couple of conversations with professors about grad school and jokes about selling your soul to unethical corporations-#- we didn't get told SHIT#i've said it before and i'll say it again but do not go to a rich kid school if you are not a rich kid (this is coming from a non-rich kid)#or at the very least be prepared for people to assume you know the ins and outs of networking and stuff you've never been taught about#i'm not joking when i say the school i went to brags about how many students get job placements soon after graduation#but has next to no actual resources to help students continue their education (esp for minority students) (like myself)#it's so frustrating seeing peers of mine get cushy jobs based on who they know when i'm out here busting my ass bc idk the right people#and god forbid you want to learn more but don't have similar connections in academia! it sucks!#i know my applications' success heavily relies upon letters i'm not allowed to read written for me by professors who can vouch for me#because their names might mean something to someone who might otherwise disregard me despite how ridiculously experienced i am#knowing you're good enough but might get rejected for something that goes beyond you has to be one of the worst feelings#i already have the sneaking suspicion that i won't get accepted to one of my top three schools based on that#and i haven't even submitted my app for them yet#there's so much i hate about higher ed but dammit i still want to learn. that might be the worst part of it all.#i want to keep learning but at the end of the day it's not about what i want. it's what an institution wants FOR me.#but that will not stop me from trying or from fighting for what i want. at least i have that.#anyway sorry for the long-ass ramble and for the delay but hopefully that answers your question sufficiently enough#and hopefully what i've said is useful to someone somewhere who might be in a weird spot like this#ask#answered#anon
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See, that's where he's wrong. I think it's actually.... just as difficult to be the one who's being pulled as it is to be the one trying to pull. It's actually really, really tough to be the object of your friend's affection. It's hard enough being pursued by someone you don't care about, but to be wanted by someone you do care about? To be put in a position where you either have to force yourself to have feelings you don't or hurt someone you care about? To feel like you have no choice but to either betray your own feelings or your friend's? It sucks. It sucks and it can ruin friendships. I would actually prefer to be the person trying to convince someone to fall for me than the person who someone else is trying to convince to fall for them tbh
#I've always been a bit overprotective of Hirano#bc i know all too well how much it sucks to be in this position#I've spoken about this before and i will again but honestly I'm not sure how i want kghr to resolve!!#im not sure i do actually want them to end up in a classic romantic relationship#[hides behind brick wall]#i know in my head his feelings are going to change#but im protective of the feelings he has now that know he doesn't want to be with kagi yet#i don't want those feelings to just be ignored#but luckily harusono-sensei writes in such a way that takes into consideration the characters feelings#(does that sound arrogant to say? lol)#so i trust that however the story goes its going to feel good#one of these days I'll write this post out in a more cohesive way bc I've been thinking about this for like a year and a half now lmao#kagihira#kagihira liveblogging
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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good morning everybunny !! i slept for 14 hours :3
#BEST SLEEP I HAD IN A WHILE !!!#i vaguely remember my mom and dad waking me up to eat dinner .. i didn't woke up#wasn't really that hungry though#IT'S SATURDAY !!!!#i'll catch up on blue lock today before the new episode releases :3#<- i know i've been saying that for days now but i'll actually do it today#miro's diary
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now deeply curious after reading some comments on a related news article
(whether you get periods now or you got them 20 years ago...doesn't have to be current)
#idk if people will take to this poll but i'm so so curious#me personally...#i'm on birth control these days that largely stops my periods from happening (thank fuck)#and i tempt fate on the regular because i don't carry period products on me when i go out#i'll bring them with me if i'm going anywhere overnight#but out for the day? nope#it's not a smart choice because my periods do break through every so often and there's NO pattern#surprisingly it actually hasn't really bit me in the ass yet#i think when i had regular periods when i was younger then yeah i did experience this once or twice#thinking high school. definitely asked for help before#and i've offered help#anyway this is so deep in the tags i can now say#this article i read had people going i've menstruated for 30 years and never been caught out. it's YOUR responsibility to carry things on y#it's ridiculous to say that public facilities should carry them. that's learned hopelessness.#and i was like bitch what the fuck.#then of course there were the 'well if they're going to carry pads they need to carry condoms!!!'#or#'well if they're going to do that how about chocolate too?? what next??'#and there were 'if you know you're close carry products on you'#have you. never. in your life. been caught out.#AND OKAY. if you haven't. CAN YOU NOT IMAGINE THAT SCENARIO??? HELLO???#people have irregular cycles. people might unexpectedly need to change part way through a day.#sometimes periods fucking seem to stop and then hello they're back again a day later#sometimes you're at an age where they've stopped but then hello. months later it's back#sometimes YOU FORGET TO PUT PRODUCTS IN YOUR BAG. god forbid.#i'm so glad you've never had a problem. congratulations. good for you. but how about we fucking offer the help anyway. ffs
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