#<- censored the word for self protection

[princekirijo]

One of these days I'm gonna rant about the idea that the thieves' outfits represent "their idea of rebellion" and how I like interesting that concept is.

[needtoloveoutloud]

let's stop using the word puritan for fandoms okay

Hi Anon :)

I'm guessing you're referring to this post I made a few days ago about the pro ship/anti ship discourse?

Why does it bother you if I use this word specifically? (I'm honestly asking, not trying to pick a fight or anything.)

According to Oxford Languages Dictionary, these are the definitions of the word:

Apart from the actual English Protestant group from a few centuries ago (which would then be capitalized if specifically referred to), it means the following:

“A person with censorious moral beliefs, especially about self-indulgence and sex.”

If there's another word for forbidding or trying to suppress or prohibit certain media content (it doesn't matter if it's books/stories, news, films, etc.) besides “censorship” feel free to use it interchangeably, but I'm not sure there is.

Possible or already existing censorship, while more important in a news-related context, is still an incredibly important topic regarding other content, such as books and stories, published online on sites like tumblr, AO3, Wattpad, FanFiction.net, etc. The sheer amount of stories on there is impossible for actual humans to filter through, which means that algorithms would need to be set up to automatically delete stories when certain criteria are met. Any form of automated algorithm can and will be faulty, however, which means that even stories that wouldn't theoretically “have to be deleted” (according to the AI-powered algorithm, at least) will slip through the cracks and get deleted without warning.

This happened before to Wattpad and FanFiction.net. There was a massive, and I mean massive purge of stories in 2002 and 2012. Only this year, it happened to Wattpad, too. A lot of authors and readers lost their stories immediately, without warning.

The US, for example, has a bill called KOSA (“Kids Online Safety Act”). It works under the disguise (I am absolutely sure that there are some 100% valid points in the bill, though, I am not from the US and have no legal background, so feel free to correct me) of child safety, but is pretty much an overreaching government censorship bill (again, I'm going off of people who know way more about the legalities of all of this). I'll quote someone from a reddit thread that addresses the consequences of the bill.

“It is technically a violation of free speech and the 1st amendment, but that's not gonna stop them. This bill would require that internet users upload their government ID to access any site, and state attorney generals could sue to remove any site that contains content deemed “harmful” to children. This would include fanfiction and fanfiction sites.”

I hope you immediately see the issue and danger of having to upload an ID to be allowed to merely access any website. Not to only view certain things (for example, I wouldn't have any issues if you have to verify your age via ID if, let's say you wanna order cigarettes or alcohol online or something) but to simply view the content and information on the page.

“I have to mention that this bill is dangerous for more reasons than just censoring fan fiction. The government will be able to censor ANYTHING - such as abortion info, LGBTQ+ resources, and any content relating to protesting or organizing. They will also be able to ID you if you search for any of these topics. And VPNs will not work.”

This. This right there is where puritan beliefs and movements get us, long-term and short-term. It has happened before, and it will happen again if we do NOT use our critical thinking and are able to differentiate between written, fictional content, and real life. The US isn't the only country that is considering implementing such laws, Canada has something similar going on with “Bill S-210”.

Internet censorship, which often starts/started with banning not only certain political content, but also under the guise of “protecting the public” is an issue in a LOT of countries and endangers the safety of various groups. China, Palestine, Indonesia, Armenia, Saudi Arabia, etc., Turkmenistan, North Korea (strongly assumed), Turkmenistan, etc. for example.

I know that you only criticized the word “puritan” and I am completely going above what you probably meant, Anon, (and I hope you don't feel attacked or think I put words in your mouth) but I hope to at least make you consider my point of the slippery slope and dangers of the gateway puritan censorship issue. It often starts with the government's reasoning of protecting their citizens or children from something, when long-term and historically speaking, that never ever leads to something good and sets society back by a mile regarding the acceptance of certain issues or free information gathering on various topics and safe exploring (of, for example, sexual topics, or learning about their own sexuality, etc.) for minors.

In my opinion and experience, it's better they figure out what they might like or not like in the safety of stories. Sure, minors are impressionable, and mature content should 100% be tagged as such, including potential trigger warnings, but if done right by the author, it can also educate. Or deliberately show unsafe behavior — which requires media literacy and critical thinking, which can ONLY be gained by consuming the media and analyzing afterwards.

That does not mean that I condone 12-year-olds reading stuff about incest, bestiality, (all in a fictional setting!), or whatever is out there. Not at all! BUT: it's the parents' responsibility to be in charge of teaching their children about internet safety, and perhaps even monitoring (to a healthy extent) what they consume and open discussions about what their children consume.

Authors are nobody's parents but their own children's (if they have any), so it is NOT their responsibility to take care of that. Tagging properly and warning the audience about the content, however, is. No discussion. But this is not just important for the protection of minors, but the mental well-being of adults, too.

I'm open to discussing this topic even more. There are a LOT more nuances and valid points and concerns from both sides, so to speak, but I'll be honest: I'm from a country where the media and government swayed the public's opinion about a certain group a LOT by censoring others in the past, and it literally lead to the death of millions. So critical thinking regarding any type of censorship (even if that scale I just referred to cannot be compared at all, I am well aware of that) and being vigilant about wanting to ban certain media or content under the guise of “protecting” others is something very, very high on my personal priority list because as soon as you learn how easily stuff like this gets out of hand, even if it starts sort of innocently, makes you kind of aware and sensitizes your for a lot of stuff.

I'm sorry if my rambling is all over the place and I hope my reply is readable — English is not my first language, so please excuse it if stuff is unclear or there are any mistakes. And I'm sorry for going completely off the rails. You maybe simply took an issue with the word “puritan” itself. If that's the case, please tell me what exactly your issue with it is, maybe we can talk specifically about this topic then, and not the whole censorship debate I started just now. Maybe we're even on the same page regarding a lot of things.

Take care. 🤍

[its-malarkey]

"Mashita’s priority is really just keeping his exorcist boyfriend from getting killed by a spirit because he was too nice". Mashita questions 1, why he had to be gay and 2, why had to date this guy of all men on a regular basis. The rest of the ragtag group of Ghost hunters probably find this completely hilarious.

Mashita hates to admit it but he was a gay mess of a man from the moment he decided Yashiki was interesting and decided to get cursed again to help him. Everyone around him knows this and makes fun of him on the regular.

I fully believe that when he’s with anyone else (and sometimes Yashiki) he’s like “man why am I dating this self-sacrificing idiot he’s gonna be the death of me” but internally he’s having a full-on heart attack every time Yashiki does anything impulsively (this is a regular occurrence). But I ALSO fully believe that they experience the longest “friends to lovers denial/it doesn’t get talked about” stage ever. So really it’s more like Mashita going “man why am I in love with this self-sacrificing idiot he’s too good for this world and I have to protect him at all costs” except every time he starts thinking it or talking about it, he censors the words “in love” because he doesn’t want other people to know. It’s also less complicated if you pretend you’re not attracted to your spirit doctor best friend/paranormal detective partner who is also the first friend you’ve made in ages. And do you know how embarrassing it is at first to be fully attached to the nicest, most selfless guy imaginable when you have to keep digging in out of deadly situations he repeatedly threw himself into? He definitely complains about Yashiki’s tendencies when he’s around the group.

Everybody sees straight through him and teases him accordingly.

[lostthenfoundmyself]

Someone reblogged to one of my posts ranting about how “goy” is a slur. Debated whether to respond or not, but ultimately this is so ridiculous that it’s probably not worth feeding the trolls. Posting it here as a compromise to myself, because I’m actually very bad at shutting up.

It’s not a slur. Just isn’t. It’s a Yiddish word. Is gentile a slur? Because it’s literally the same thing, except it got adopted by Christians.

The idiot repeats the word multiple times without censoring it, if it was actually a slur you’d expect them to censor it or at least tw in the tags.

I used the word exactly once on my blog, in this post, in a way that was clearly just me being informal and not me insulting non-Jews in general. I said that “your average goy” probably doesn’t know what a pogrom is. As a statement of fact. Not as in “ooo goys are horrible,” not in an othering or pejorative sense. I don’t know about all the massacres of Confucian scholars or if they had any special name. Like, this is just pointing out a lack of information, not insulting.

Some people using a word pejoratively does not make it a slur. They brought up a bizarre example (possibly a purposely-misrepresented reference to people calling people in the anti-Israel movement “sheep” though who knows what’s going through this person’s head?) of the word being used that way. Well, I’ve seen people compare Jews to a pestilence and other stuff I’m not gonna say. And you know what? “Jew” still isn’t a slur!

Also told me to stop “begging ‘goyish sympathy’ for Israeli crimes.” Dude, if it’s a slur, stop using it. And also, um, I clearly stated in my tags that I was not tagging it with the normal related tags because it was just a personal vent. I tagged it with jumblr tags and antisemitism as a warning. I did not ask for your sympathy. I did not ask for you to interact with me. If you don’t want to see thoughts like mine don’t hang out on the tags “jumblr,” “Jewish,” “antisemitism,” and “am yisrael chai.” Block them or something idc. Like I’m sorry, but that post is so insanely easy for unsympathetic gentiles (is that better?) to avoid.

And the “you and your people are not special?”(Hmm…doesn’t seem to be talking about Israelis here seeing as I’m American…so much for the “just antizionist! uwu” crowd!) I never said we were. All I think is that Jews deserve the same rights and protections and respects afforded to other ethnicities. Self-determination. The right to self-defense. Acknowledgement of our basic humanity.

But that’s too much to ask for some people, isn’t it?

[zzencat]

Weird (regarding final spouse reading)

tl;dr: felt a literal force sweeping through me when I was doing the reading

Guys, I know it’s been well over an hour since I posted it but I just can’t shake this feeling off. I’ve already asked another tarot reader if she’d ever had a similar experience and I’m still awaiting her answer

Pile 3 in the final spouse one actually flipped me over and roasted me like a pig over fire. Nah not actually but that’s my poor attempt at trying to lift the mood- imma ask for some extra protection just in case UNLESS they wanna reach out in a dream tonight

I literally felt a force go thru me- like fly thru me as I wrote the last few things for the last pile. It literally made me straighten up in my seat and my eyes widened in shock like “oo was I not supposed to touch that nerve?” Kind of guilty face.

No gust of wind could’ve gotten in my room and no fan was on

Suddenly, I was in an interrogation room with a pitifully looking boy, like looking beat up and tired- and the room was even clear until after I “regained” myself. I don’t wanna admit it but I’m lowkey scared.

The thing that flew thru was like a legless AND faceless grim reaper looking thing, almost like it was guarding the boy. It floated around him like a white fog… I don’t remember exactly what I was writing but I know it was near the end and that I wrote too much

It was the 3 of us amigos: the boy, Ghost friend, and me. I was in the lawyer seat and both of them were seated on the other side

It was only after I deleted something abt their “growing up” (notice how I can’t be using “adolescence” to describe it either—maybe think of it as lacking vocabulary…)

Shit…or maybe lacking vocabulary bc of poor education- orphanage?

Yk the image of a dark grey orphanage keeps showing up. I keep thinking about other circumstances (without trying to mention f*m*ly bc they seem super sensitive when hearing it so I’ll censor it) like the could’ve been’s or possible combinations but only that shows up

So a lot of emotional suppression it seems. It also seems to be less frightening when I address (this situation) with indirect words, bc perhaps the kid-them can’t put it together. Their comprehension at that age can’t be as well developed

I think you guys kind of get the point of where the hurt might be coming from for a certain pile. I feel very reluctant to addressing them directly. If they have memory loss, I’d prefer to say the pile at the top and then indirectly address them as I am writing this

There’s no way I’m trying to play around w spirits n stuff 😭

Maybe they’ll come back with a less ambushy kind of feel and I’ll talk to them. Maybe it was me for violating their privacy- IM SORRY PILE 3 spouse, I didn’t mean ill intent in any way. Maybe you feel that way.

I don’t know if I was talking to a reflection of this person’s younger self or their inner child (since it’s more gender inclusive)

Whoever this kid was, he could only nod, blink, and shake his head. His facial expression looked a combination of pitiful, wary, and asking for help. I can’t tell.

Thanks for listening guys, this…this has been probably one of the freakiest experiences of my life 🫠

[thedreadvampy]

look I do not want to have this argument in the notes of a 5k+ post bc I will get crucified and so will the person who I'm arguing with

but see I made this post about the use of language and said I thought that words like rape or abuse or suicide are extremely necessary and that they can be uncomfortable words but that's because they're uncomfortable things?

someone in the replies said, quote, "that doesn't excuse y'all reblogging this without trigger warnings"

and like, far be it from me, a guy who spent a non-zero amount of time having panic attacks if I saw Chewbacca merch and once had a day-long dissociative episode because I saw someone carrying a guitar, to say what acceptable triggers are or how people should respond to them

but in this instance. I'm pretty clear that yeah actually it does excuse reblogging it without trigger warnings

because in this post I didn't at any point actually talk about rape, abuse or suicide, I talked about the words "rape", "abuse" and "suicide".

in fact in the original post I don't think I want into any more detail than I would in the tags "tw rape" "tw abuse" or "tw suicide"

which gets under my skin, right, because while there's no problem with choosing to trigger tag that post of you think it's helpful, demanding that this is such an Obviously Triggering post there's a moral obligation to tag it (because it contains the Bad Words) is uhhhhh kind of exactly what I'm talking about?

Language here is mistaken for the thing. Saying the word "rape" is construed as unambiguously harmful in a way that talking about rape without naming it isn't.

I have literally heard people begin to describe a rape, a domestic violence case, a murder, a suicide, in those terms - then stop themselves, change their language, and carry on describing these really specific, upsetting experiences with the clear understanding that they've removed the Problematic Part (now that they're saying "special cuddle" and "adult time" instead of "rape").

Part of what I'm reacting against in that post is exactly that - the idea behind the cutesy euphemisms and the censorship of important words like "death" and "rape" (and frankly "lesbian". and "sex" and "kink" and "porn"), which is this tendency to displace the discomfort caused by the word onto the word itself.

Obviously everyone's experience of trauma is different. But as a survivor I'm not triggered or disturbed by the word "rape", I'm triggered and disturbed by the act of rape, and potentially by conversations which describe or explore or evoke that act or experience.

And frankly I find it hard to believe that a significant plurality, let alone a majority, of people with PTSD connected to rape or abuse are so sensitive to the Word Itself that they must be protected from even hearing it named.

I am particularly clear on this with "rape" and "abuse" because, as I said in the post described, those are unambiguously words coined to create purposeful discomfort, because they're words coined to recognise the harm in very common and normalised actions.

If you've experienced rape, abuse, or whatever, and the words alone for those things are deeply distressing, I'm very sorry for you. That must be awful and I wish you well.

But a lot of the time I think when people start linguistically self-censoring (not "you can't talk about this topic without a trigger warning" but "you can't use this descriptive word without a trigger warning") they're not actually reacting to a debilitating trauma response, but to the fact that hearing the word inspires discomfort, because it puts an appropriate amount of weight on the topic.

you have to trigger tag for "suicide" but not for "unalive yourself" "sewerslide" or "kys"

you have to trigger tag for "death" but not for "no longer with us" "left the world" "unalive"

you have to trigger tag for "rape" but let's be honest not for a description of having sex with someone against their will, as long as you don't call it rape.

(btw people will blame this on the Algorithm but it goes back way further, we were having this Acceptable Words Discourse on Tumblr in 2012, you know? it's definitely accelerated by algorithmic control but this list of Bad Words as a shibboleth for Caring About People is old old bullshit)

(also the idea of trigger tagging on the basis of words rather than meaning strikes me as uhhhh suboptimal? especially when it comes to words created to talk about our experiences? like maybe there's a significant textural difference between a post which uses the word "rape" in a list of words that exist, a post saying "if this happened to you it may have been rape," an exploration of survivor feminism and the political positioning of rape, a list of rape prevention and recovery resources, and a graphic rape fantasy. like any of those might be things I don't wanna see, but they're very different in relation to each other and to my trauma, you know? and not wanting to see explicit discussion of rape doesn't necessarily mean not wanting to Ever Hear The Word. but that's another conversation.)

anyway this is all academic frankly because the thing you're objecting to is that the words are in the post. bc again, trigger tags on this post entail Exactly The Same Amount Of Exploration Of These Topic as the post itself

[kayfeefgtrghh]

Connor (RK800) x shy reader

Did I just write 2984 words? Maybe…

Body image is talked about here as well as other topics that might be sensitive. Read at your own accord. Also, apologies since this is the first fanfic I’ve written in over 10 years. The last 5 years I’ve spent writing university papers. If it’s not the best I’m sorry!

*Reader is addressed as ‘little girl’ and has long hair.

*Does include swear words but I’ve tried to censor them a little.

“Hank the paperwork is due today… And-“ His head tilts “detective? Your temperature is very high. Are you sick?” Putting his hand to my forehead. Throat dry, I try to speak but nothing comes out and stare at Connor, red in the face. Glancing to a friend hoping he can help but Hank just looks back at his screen. Great. I’m on my own. Well. “Yes” squeaks out before you feel a shoulder bump into my back. Sharp breathe in. Turning to make eye contact with Derrik Fedpilzt. He got off on me being quiet. Said I make a shit cop. Too fat, not smart enough, too slow, can’t keep my “female” emotions out of work. Looking down, surprised he kept quiet. I apologise before getting back to my desk. 2 close calls in one day was enough. Writing this report is such a waste of time. Its not like it’s real. I saw it. That deviant was protecting a child… It didn’t deserve to die. Email? Shit. Should I say something to Hank? No. No. I can’t be weak. I can do this. I can’t drag others into my own problems.

‘Don’t think I didn’t figure you out. Meet me in the carpark at 8pm tonight.’ – DF

I need to take my mind off of this. “Heyyyy Hank. Is that seat free?” pointing to his lap. He had such a priceless face before shaking his head mumbling, something about kids these days, under his breathe. Making me giggle. “Okay, but really, I’m going for coffee if you want some?”

“Yeah, Connor should be back soon.”

“Ahh I just meant the-‘

“Lieutenant. Detective.” Connor starts to which I just avoid his gaze and nod to my title. “My apologise for interrupting the conversation.”

“No worries, Connor.” Hank straightens his back, “we’re all heading for coffee.” Connor simply nods in reply to his partner. I try catching Hank’s eye but he just smirks.

-------------*Time skip to coffee shop*---------------

“Soy latte please.” Cringing at how quiet my voice just came out.

“Yes. I-I couldn’t pass up fireworks. It’s nostalgic. What about you both?” Hoping to get away from the spotlight. Hank finally feeling nice speaks up,

“Sorry can you repeat that for me please” the Barista inquires politely. "Soy latte. Thank you.” Connor interjects for me. All I can do is nod and smile shyly to the server while paying.  Sliding into a booth opposite Hank. Connor right after me. Oh. My. God. I can feel his body so close to mine. Keep it together (y/n)! Fingers pulling my coat closer self-consciously. “I heard there is going to be ice festival with fire works tonight. Will you be going Detective?”

“Nah. Kid wants to go so maybe you could go together. Me and Sumo are watching sport, drinking, and sleeping at midnight.” Well… there goes him helping you.

“Ahhhh. No. I mean yes!. I’m- I- I… I just remembered I have a meeting soon, sorry. I’ll see you both around? I’ll meet you outside the office at say… 9pm?” Turning on my tail before they can speak.

---------------*Time skip to car park*-----------------

Skin going cold and fingertips numb, from the cold and the fact Derrik brought friends. I feel a hand around the back of my neck. “You know, if you weren’t so fat maybe I wouldn’t have bumped into you.” Coming into my face, I lean back instinctively. “Or maybe if you were smart, I would have seen you resign. Save the rest of us time picking up your slack. Which judging by your size is a lot,” erupting with laughter from his own comment. “You must have slept your way up with older guys because how else would sone with such a pathetic track record get in. You can’t write reports properly, can’t shoot because you think that what? Androids can have feelings. Ohh look at me I’m so desperate to be loved I’ll turn to something that can’t say no. Isn’t that right?” Not letting me speak, “you don’t deserve this job title, the badge, hell to live!  You’re worthless. Undeserving, fat, ugly, stupid. Is there ANY good quality about you? No. Just kill yourself already to stop burdening others. This time, me and my buddies are gonna teach you a lesson on behaving like a good little girl.” Pulled back and shoved into a pillar. There’s laughter, I can hear it, but it blurs for a minute. Shit I feel something wet drip into my eyelashes. Hold the tears. Confront. Come on. “Hey! I said I was sorry. Why are you doing this?”

“Because,” another guy steps closer, “we don’t respect people like you. Spiting on my face. It had been bad before but never physical.  He raises his hand and I turn to flip him over my shoulder. Thump. “You fc*king bit*h!” he wheezes out. Every muscle in my body feels like stone. He swipes my leg from under me as the others make a circle shouting “fight! Fight!”

“Wai-“ he straddles my legs. Hands instantly on my neck. Not like this. Please. Kicking, I try twist my hips. Gasping in air as I grip his wrists. “Enough Jake.” Another voice calls. The man above me lets go, standing and brushing off his jacket. Huffing. Before kicking my stomach and going off. The rest leave laughing and shaking their head with, “you showed her.” Coughing and feeling the air come back to me I push onto my arms. Shit! It’s 8:55! Connor. Legs shaking I push up and head up to the girls bathroom. The stairs make me feel so heavy. I can’t stop thinking about his words. He was right. I do burden others. I can’t drive. I have one of the lowest success rates. Am I really that unlovable? Do I just empathise with deviants because I see the hate in them as similar to the way people treat me?... Elbowing the door open I can help but say “shit” out loud looking at my reflection. Bloodshot eyes, since when have I been crying? And my neck. Jesus. How was I going to hide this from Connor?! But if I cancel, he’ll try ask why and I can’t lie to him. I pull the collar up and undo my hair.  Lucky I’ve let it grow. Using it as a disguise I head out. “I’m sorry to keep you, had to talk to some colleagues from the lower floor before we left. Are you ready?” I feel him looking right through me. He wants to say something, but his LED goes yellow before red then back to yellow, “Yes detective.”

------------*Time skip to the ice festival*--------------

“SOOO beautiful!” I’m so thankful the weather is cooler outside to excuse me covering my neck so much and accommodating for my slower gate. My ribs really hurt now. But it was worth it. The snow glistened with the colourful lights. Children running around, giggling, as they have snowball fights. It was like a movie scene come true. The city really outdid themselves this year. I love winter. To be on the couch near my window watching the slow gently fall. Hot chocolate in hand and a nice, weighted blanket. Cozy. Safe.

I can feel eyes on me and look up to see Connor smiling, “I’ve never seen you look so childlike Detective.” I know it’s supposed to be an observation. I can’t help it. Thinking of it as an insult. A reminder I need to grow up. “Thanks.” Looking down at my feet.  ‘Worthless… stop burdening others. He’s right.

“Ahh hey. How- How about going on the Ferris wheel? I can pay. My treat for driving.” He nods and we walk in silence. It’s eating away at me. “Hey. Connor? Do you have any fun facts on snow or winter? Festivals? I know Hank tells you to be quiet,” looking down blushing,” but I love when you talk all about things. He sprouts facts like, “the Sapporo Snow Festival started in 1950…” It was nice. His voice. His face. Errgh! I have such a bad crush on him. How couldn’t you? He’s smart, sweet, understanding, patient, fast, strong, and such a gentleman. I can’t help but stare. The light freckles sprinkled over his face. The piece of hair loose and flipping around in the elements. The small snowflakes sticking to his perfect brown hair. Those beautiful eyes I could get lost I for days. I’ve never felt this way about someone. Growing up focused on studies and work. Now for the first time, I look at someone and want to marry. To have children. To do domestic things with Connor. Have him look at me the way I look at him. Love struck as Hank put it. ��Snow itself is just precipitation in the form of ice crystals. It originates in clouds when temperatures are below freezing point. It is currently 17.6 degrees Fahrenheit or minus 8 Celsius….” Putting up 2 fingers and paying for the tickets as he ramble on. Side track about drinks for winter festivals in different countries. “For example, in Japan, the initial festival I mentioned, they would drink something called Amazake. Dating back over 1,30 years. It comprises of rice fermented using aspergillus oryzae. The same fungus in natto. Its literally translation is sweet sake and has been described as a mellow sweet flavour…”

We step into the capsule and start our assent. Once we reached the top the breeze was beautiful. I had to take photos. To put on my wall. I lent forward, enjoying the breeze flow through the gaps and focus outside. Not noticing the silence from my companion. “It’s so beautiful don’t you think? I don’t normally like crowds but to see people enjoying themselves like this. It’s nice and the snow is always so- Connor?” His LED is red and I freeze. Following his line of sight. Blushing, I rush to cover the bruises, but he grabs my wrists. With the better lighting he’s seen it. The bruises. Does he think I’m weak. For a officer to get hurt so easily? He says my name sternly and my eyes flick between him and the floor. Jaw tensing and I can’t seem to swallow enough to take a breath. I rub my arm absently at the tense air between us. “Connor I can explain.” He just stares and helps me out before dragging me past the maze. We keep walking. His LED changing between red and yellow. His grips loosens and tightens as the snow crunches beneath us. It would be a nice sound if it weren’t for the anxiety.

He continues to lead me onto a path with no one around, under a streetlight, before turning to face me. Trying to catch a breath he doesn’t need.  He just stares. “Connor?” It’s soft. But I know he hears. “Please. You’re starting to scare me.”

“Who?! Who did that to you?!” Flinching. Was he... mad? He’s an android, he shouldn’t react this way. “Are you deviating?” I whisper shout leaning in despite my fear. He’d never hurt me, right? His brows twitch and he tilts his head. Before his LED stays red. Stepping closer. “This isn’t about me (y/n). Who. Hurt. You. Names.” Now, as he stepped closer with each word, he’s less than a meter from me. I step back and avoid his gaze. “Why?”

“I want to protect you. Keep you safe and I can’t do that if you keep me out.”

“No. Why do you care? I’m just another human. Replaceable. Less intelligent. Less capable, so why do you pretend to care Connor? Because you feel you have to? Did Hank tell you to say those things to me? “I feel my eyes burn and voice break. “Maybe I should go home I’m sorry and end up dashing off as a ground walk past.

-------------------*Time skip*--------------------------

I’ve been avoiding Connor for almost a month now. I was so close to confessing. Or breaking down. Either way I can feel his gaze burn into me and the questioning looks when I just turn and walk away or leave a half-made coffee when he goes to make one for Hank. Speaking of Hank tried to ask about what happened but now I’m avoiding them both. Everyone. Today is the day. I look up, eyes set on Fowler. I get up and knock on his door. “Come in.” Walking into his office reminds me of this nature documentary show I watches where the deer ventured right into the lion’s den. Keep calm. He eventually looks up from my silence and awkwardly standing around. “Sit. What do you want?”

“I quit.” There it was. Those 2 little words. “This is my 2 weeks’ notice sir. I wish to ask if I can stay in the office for my last week. To finish up my reports.” He looks shocked but it quickly morphs back into a scowl. “Fine.” I nod before leaving. I did it. Letting the air out my nose I head back to my desk and put headphones on and begin typing. The day continues like this. Quiet. Efficient. Lonely. It’s what I deserve.

--------------*Time skip to the last day*---------------

Alcohol. Mans real best friend. Sure, dogs make me happy, but they don’t help you numb out life. The dread of not being able to get enough job. The feeling of worthlessness. Alcohol though. A miracle. Especially 10 drinks in. I don’t even know at this point if my thoughts make sense let alone the out loud stuff. Hang onnnnn. I know that hair. “Hannnnnnk! I shout and stumble my way to him. By himself thankfully. I smother him in a hug, and he just shoves me off. “God. I’m so sorry. I’m a shitty friend Hank. I mean… oh oh omg that dog is so cute!” Seeing a golden retriever walk past.

“What have you been ignoring me What happened between you and Connor?”

“Hmmm. I love him, Hank. Not that I don’t love you too but not in that way” giggling,” it’s just. I had a run in and some guys at the precinct beat me up so-“

“What?! When?!” He goes to stand, and I shove his shoulders to push him back into his seat.

“SHHHHH! Hank, I don’t know where I was up to now. Anyway, long story short. Perfect android, Ferris Wheel, found my bruised neck, Unrequited love, I got scared and listened to the voice in my head.” Nodding. “Wait no. Not like that. I meant the things the people said about me. They were right. That’s why today was my last day. I quit. I couldn’t stand to look at you. I know you’d be disappointed and Connor. Fu*k Hank, I’d kill for him. Do anything he asked. But we both know that’s stupid. He dese- derggkrves… ,” pausing and squinting as the word doesn’t come out right, “deserves someone better. He’s PERFECT and look at me.” Flinging my arms out and hitting someone in the face. “Oh” covering my mouth and turning. “I’m so sorry!!”

“Detective.”

“Connor… I- I want you to know what happened at the festival… me avoiding you. Wasn’t your fault.” His LED is rotating yellow still. He then hooks his arm with mine.

“You are intoxicated. I will wait to have this conversation with you tomorrow. I will take you home.” I pout and lean into his body.  Giggling before shoving my nose into his chest and breathing in harshly before confessing, “you smell amazing.”

-----------*Time skip to next morning*----------------

“Owww my head.” Tripping as I tangle into my bedsheets. Faceplanting. Sighing I just lay there face down for a while. Remembering what I said last night. How much did he hear of my confession to Hank? “Detective. You are finally up. It is currently 1:39pm.” I stiffen. Looking up at the android like a dear caught in head lights. “I will cook breakfast while you clean up and then we can talk.”

“I remember you mentioning to Hank you like pancakes.” They look so unbelievably good.

“Thank you, Connor. For everything. I really am sorry.”

“I accept your apology. As to begin our discussion I would like to start with the most defining aspect. That you confessed your feelings for me last night to Hank, did you not?” At this I choke on my food. Coughing and red in the face.  

“Yess.. Well- I did. But you don’t have to-“

“I like you too. More than as a friend. You were correct I have become deviant and these feelings these last months have been difficult. However, after talking to Hank he said it was love. It explains my rash and inappropriate reaction to your bruising and the reason I still feel angry now when thinking about it. “

“It was Derrik Fedpilzt and his friends. I tried to fend one off by flipping him onto his back. So, he chocked me. I was scared that you’d judge me. For not being able to defend myself. “

“Like I said before I want to take care of you and protect you. There has never been a time when I thought you were weak. Or flawed in any way for that matter.” He puts hind hand on the table between us. I look up before timidly reaching to place mine across the table too. He moves to cover mine and smiles that dorky smile. Realising I am finished he gets up to do the dishes, but I block him. 

“Why don’t we cuddle on the couch for a while? I can do them later.” LED yellow to blue. Putting my plate on the sink before grabbing a blanket. Sitting on my old couch, snow just outside. This was perfect. I look up at him admiring the view and kiss his cheek. Maybe I deserve love after all.

[dr-futbol-blog]

Conversion, Pt. 12

Weir sends out an alert on Sheppard having escaped his quarters, and it is likely her alert went only to the security personnel rather than on city-wide. We next find McKay in the command centre with Caldwell and Ronon, McKay seeming to spearhead the search for Sheppard by tracking him biometrically using the Ancient censors discovered during Sanctuary (S01E14), although now with an English interface that he has probably programmed himself. It takes Mckay no time at all to find Sheppard and lock onto him.

McKay: OK. I've got a lock on him.

We get to see the layout of Atlantis, and the biometric sensor still seems to have signatures in two different colours, reddish and yellowish. I wrote earlier about how the system is probably calibrated for the Ancients, so it would show the people who have the gene different from the ordinary humans because whether or not people have the Ancient gene is the most important biometric marker for their technology.

If we look at the cluster of signatures that I've pointed out with the circle who seem to be near the gate, we have one red and three yellow signatures, corresponding to the four figures we see in the next shot standing pretty much in the same configuration as the dots: McKay, Caldwell, Ronon and a marine. McKay is the only one of them that has the gene and hence we would expect to see him appear as a different colour. And we next see, as they lock on to Sheppard, that he is a bright red dot, the locking on seeming just to make his dot brighter rather than to change its colour. However, the dot seems to be acting unexpectedly.

Caldwell: That can't be him, it's moving too fast. Dex: It's him.

McKay is looking at Sheppard's dot intently, not removing his eyes from it even as he turns his head slightly toward Ronon when he says the words "It's him" in reference to Sheppard. It is as though McKay wants to see Ronon's face when he mentions Sheppard, wants to see the look on his face, but he cannot draw his eyes away even for that. Let us recall that the last time McKay was watching a dot that designated Sheppard, he was watching him fly to his death toward a hive ship strapped onto a nuke that McKay himself had prepared. It is safe to say that this is not his favourite activity.

He is doing this now because they need him to do it, because this is his job and his duty, but it is not easy for him by any means. McKay seems to speak only what is necessary and no more. He is once more clearly dissociating, he is on autopilot.

Caldwell: Alright. Four teams. Surround him and close in. I want him stopped. And gentlemen: use whatever level force you deem necessary. Move out. Weir: You will only use such force as a last resort. Caldwell: That's not Sheppard any more, ma'am. Weir: You heard me.

Caldwell gives the men now under his command the order to take out Sheppard using what ever level force necessary, and the US military has six such levels for the use of force. Caldwell, that is to say, authorizes his men to take Sheppard out using lethal force where necessary, to take him out at their discretion. While Weir does not precisely walk his order back, she impresses on the men that they should not jump the gun but be sure that there is no other way before trying to eliminate him using lethal force. They all know what they are talking about.

Note that while McKay still says nothing, he has no words to say, we see him do the thing with his thumb that has frequently been associated with Sheppard in the past. It is his own self-soothing technique. McKay is torn here. He wants to help Sheppard, he wants to protect Sheppard, he wants to see to it that nothing happens to Sheppard. And he does not know how to do any of those things. He is grateful to Weir for at least the fact that she reminded them not to shoot Sheppard on sight. Something rather interesting happens then.

Dex: You coming? Teyla: Yes.

Caldwell had ordered four teams to go after Sheppard and whether or not Ronon and Teyla were meant to be with these four teams, Ronon at the very least took it upon himself to make sure that they were among the people looking for Sheppard. He wants them to make sure that this thing stays under control and no one starts shooting up unnecessarily. All of them care about Sheppard and do not want to see him get hurt, but they also know that Sheppard himself would want them to stop him before letting him hurt innocent people. And so it is obvious to Ronon that they should be a part of this, and because it does not seem like Teyla is moving in to join them, he actually asks out loud if she is coming with. What takes?

Now, I know some people see this as a major "Teylabeth" moment and while I don't necessarily see anything between the two of them, there is certainly enough evidence over the years to suggest that Teyla herself swings both ways. In fact, at the end of this very episode, we see her real up close and personal with another woman. There is plenty of subtext to go around with Teyla. But she is not looking at Weir, here. She is clearly looking at McKay before turning to leave. She looks at McKay, they seem to exchange a rather lengthy glance, she nods and then takes off after Ronon.

It is because we see Teyla and Weir in the same shot after she gives this look that people somehow interpret her as looking at Weir but this, them placing either McKay or Sheppard out of framing of the shot where looks are being exchanged is something that the show has been doing since its inception. This is how they keep the subtext just at the edge of becoming maintext. It is clear that Teyla looks at someone, exchanges a look with someone. The direction to which she looks is where McKay has been standing the whole time. We do not see McKay answer her gaze. When the camera finally pans back to McKay, he is no longer looking at her. Weir looks at both Teyla and Ronon as they take off. Teyla gives one final look at McKay as they leave.

But why?

The thing is, Teyla did seem reluctant to leave. She was not sure that she should go with the teams, that she should follow Ronon. Some people are going to think that this is because she is still feeling uncomfortable about what happened with Sheppard earlier, that she does not want to be around him when all of that is still hanging unresolved between them. But that does not explain why she seems to need a permission--or what ever she was looking for from him-- from McKay to go. It is possible that she meant to communicate to McKay that they would take care of Sheppard, that they would see to it that nothing happens to him. But it still does not explain her initial reluctance to join the search party.

And it was not that Teyla did not want to go. It was that she was not sure she should leave McKay alone, without a security detail. Yes, Caldwell was there with a bunch of marines but they might not be enough to stop Sheppard. And Teyla seems to know, just as Ronon does a few moments later, what it is that Sheppard is looking for. In the middle of the command centre, McKay might be at the most secure place on Atlantis. But for some reason, all of them, Sheppard's whole team, seem to know that Sheppard is looking for McKay, that McKay is what he is trying to get to. And Teyla is momentarily unsure of whether there is even a point in leaving when what Sheppard is looking for is right here. We do not see what kind of a look McKay gave her but so satisfied, she does then take after Ronon and join the search party.

Weir: Lock down the stargate. McKay: Right.

As mentioned, when we do finally see McKay, he is no longer looking at Teyla and this is how the entire episode has been playing out. McKay's role is purposefully obscured. He seems peripheral to the story when he is, in fact, central to everything that happens. McKay sounds hoarse as he answers Weir's request, it comes out in almost a whisper. His eyes are awfully bright but we do not see him blinking away any tears because blinking would mean that he would have to take his eyes off of Sheppard's red dot to do that. McKay seems like he is just the computer tech here, executing commands given by the leaders. But he is the one whose heart is breaking.

We see Sheppard walk into a transporter, manhandling a lab technician of some kind out of his way. We do not know where he left from and where he was going precisely, but let us keep in mind the fact that while Sheppard had seemingly kept the same quarters the whole time they have been on Atlantis, for some reason he did not need to use the transporter to get there in the latter half of the first season, but after they returned from Earth, we have seen him have to take the transporter to get to his quarters several times.

Now, while there are probably a lot of places on Atlantis that look alike, the outside of the transporter here looks similar to where Sheppard was going at the end of Trinity (S02E06) when McKay caught up with him. McKay told Sheppard that he had been looking for him, so it would make sense if McKay had been hanging out somewhere en route to Sheppard's quarters, meaning that this may well be the transporter that Sheppard takes to get away from his quarters usually, and he may have been on his way out of his room when McKay caught up with him. And where ever Sheppard was going now, it was certainly closer to the central tower than where he had been originally.

But where ever Sheppard was going, he certainly seemed to be going somewhere. To emphasize this point: Sheppard is not "on the lam" here, as he clearly could have escaped his room when ever he wanted to; Sheppard is not trying to get away and avoid detection here. He is not just randomly hopping across Atlantis, he had somewhere to be. He has a destination. And where ever he transported to, McKay's eyes widen as he looks at the reappearance of Sheppard's dot.

Caldwell: I thought you said that he couldn't use the transporters. McKay: I said I doubted he was lucid enough. Caldwell: Well, shut them down. He's not going to do it again. McKay: Thus stranding your search teams.

This is an interesting tidbit of information. We did not get to hear Caldwell and McKay's earlier exchange over the topic but if McKay had been confident enough to tell Caldwell that he thinks that Sheppard is not in any shape to use the transporters, it means that he necessarily has to have some insight into Sheppard's current condition. McKay does not guesstimate or speculate, he must be basing his assessment on some data, on some personal insight he has into the state Sheppard is in. But as far as we know, McKay has not seen Sheppard since he had the splinter removed from his hand at the beginning of the episode. So how would he know? How could he possibly know how lucid Sheppard is? And let us recall that "lucid" is a term Sheppard had been using of himself several times, it was a word he used to describe his own condition. He was measuring his own well-being on a scale of lucidity, so for McKay to use this terms suggests that his source of information is Sheppard himself.

Regardless of the source of McKay's insight into Sheppard's condition, he seems to barely be able to keep himself together here. He is right at the edge of where he does not know what is going to come spilling out of his mouth next. He has to over-enunciate the words to keep his voice steady, and right at the end he seems to be holding back a sob, blinking rapidly. But he still does as he is told because he is at a point where he is just executing commands, running on autopilot. And so Caldwell informs the search teams of Sheppard's new whereabouts:

Caldwell: Bravo Team, you're on deck. Tango is right below you. Marine: You heard the man. Down the stairs.

Sheppard is given the designation "Tango" for "target," which is something that we see McKay use later on in the season, in Coup D'Etat (S02E17). He tells Sheppard, "One Tango, middle of the room," and the use of Tango for this purpose seems to be something that he learned right here from Caldwell.

There is nothing strange about this, it is perfectly appropriate military parlance. However, giving this designation specifically to Sheppard, calling Sheppard Tango, may contain an allusion to Ray Tango of Tango and Cash, the most homoerotic action film of all time. It is not unintentionally homoerotic because this level of subtext does not happen by accident. But it is still left to the subtext.

Given that we got to see the photograph of what was likely Sheppard's father in this episode, they may have started sketching out Sheppard's background in more detail at this time. Tango is the more upper class of the two characters, and where he does not need to fight crime due to financial reasons, being independently wealthy, he does it because he likes the action, because he wants to make a difference. And what is more, Tango has trust issues and his inability to trust becomes an issue between the two of them:

Cash: Seriously? You are one major mistrustful maladjusted human fucking being, you know that? Tango: Yeah, well. I love you too.

Tango's whole character arc is about learning to trust someone else through the trials and tribulations they undergo together, of Cash being there for him when the chips come down. Does that sound like any people we know? What is more, the film is connected to the franchise in that Kurt Russell, who plays Gabriel Cash, was the original actor for Jack O'Neil in the motion picture StargÅte that launched it all.

Regardless, for some reason we see Ronon part with the search party all of a sudden. When they hear Sheppard's new whereabouts from Caldwell, Ronon suddenly seems to have an idea of where he thinks Sheppard is going to be that he does not share with the others. McKay had suggested that they try using a diversion back in the iratus nest, and it looks like Ronon is going to try that now. He seems to know just the place to hide. He is not going after Sheppard, he is going to let Sheppard come to him.

McKay: Bravo Team and Sheppard are in the same room. Caldwell: Stay sharp. He should be right in there with you.

Note again McKay's use of "Sheppard" here. He is speaking to Caldwell, a military officer, so using Colonel Sheppard or just Colonel would be appropriate. But it is just not what McKay normally does, which makes the times that he does call Sheppard Colonel stand out all the more. And in this situation it is all the more striking because Teyla calls Sheppard Colonel as they seem to be very much on the clock, what with Sheppard having just told her to call him John when they are not at work.

Marine Anyone have a visual? Teyla: Above us! Colonel! Please, do not make me do this.

Sheppard advances on Teyla, and we cannot be sure what his intentions are. He might feel threatened and advance with the intention to take her out, or he might be enticed by his wraithess and advance with the intention of just taking her. Teyla herself seems traumatized enough by what had happened between them previously that she does not want him to come close to her.

But what is important to note here is that Teyla was not Sheppard's original target, was not Sheppard's reason for coming to this part of the city. Sheppard was not looking for her, and it was only after she called after him using "Colonel!" that he turned back and started advancing on her. Sheppard may well have been triggered by the use of the title, having specifically asked her not to use it. If Sheppard was even capable of rational thought anymore, running on pure instinct as he seemed to be, he had never felt further from being a Colonel than he did right now.

But note again that Sheppard does not have a death wish. He does not want to die. If he had wanted them to simply take him out, running into Teyla's warning shots would have been the easiest thing to do. He could have forced their hand into taking him out. But that is simply not what Sheppard wants, he never did. It is very clear that he has an objective, he has somewhere he needed to be and he has something he needed to do. And so he takes off as Teyla starts firing at his feet, not wanting to get injured. Getting injured would not help him achieve his goal.

Dex: Get the doctor down here. I have him.

And so Ronon takes him out, using his weapon to stun Sheppard. What is interesting here is that Ronon seemed to know where Sheppard was going, knew where he would be coming from. He knew this the moment Caldwell had informed them of where Sheppard had transported to. He used the rest of the team as a decoy, as a diversion, and waited for Sheppard to come to where he knew he was headed.

Where was he going? Sheppard took one transporter trip from where his quarters are to where he was headed. He was not looking for Teyla, having just run away from her, and he was not looking for Weir, having dropped her like a bag of potatoes on the floor earlier. It sure seems blue in the corridors of this part of the city that they were in just now. In fact, the same bluish light installation can be seen at the end of the corridor where Sheppard walks away from McKay in Duet (S01E04) and on the upper floors where Sheppard was doing his Spider-Man routine just now.

Anyway, it's a mystery. It does not seem to be a mystery to Ronon and Teyla, but it is a mystery to us.

Continued in Pt. 13

[ferdieinceladoncity]

I have two million circling thoughts about 'milagro' and no confidence that I can get them out of my head, but it was so intensely interesting I feel like I have to try.

First of all, the most "this was quite obviously written by a man with little to no care or understanding of Not being a man" episode that I have seen so far. To the point that it smacks me over the head. No woman would act like this: you would run, so so far, the second a guy like that entered an elevator with you.

The scene in the church is incredible in terms of how it was acted. The resigned realisation of "god, he's that kind of creep. That's the kind of man he is. He's infatuated with me." the way she starts to cry, overwhelmed with the emotion of it all- the fear, knowing she's in very real danger. It hit me right in the gut.

I do understand what they were aiming with in terms of her character and her infatuation with Padgett. It's not news that Scully is a little bit fucked in the head (as kind as I can put it) and morbid curiosity drew her to his apartment (and, putting her possibly in the running for Stupidest Person ever, self destructive tendencies or not, drinks something he makes her) but the whole scene is almost *too* much. Like. Scully. You cannot be doing this. Possibly the actual scariest/most infuriating scene in the x-files that I've seen.

Then again, I keep yelling that there's no way any woman would be foolish enough to act like this, but she's not a very normal woman. Sorry, it's true. She runs headfirst into these moments of possible self-destruction stemming from her own severe insecurities over whatever her relationship is with Mulder, the circumstances and uncertainty and longevity of which would probably drive *me* a little crazy, especially off the tail end of all the drama of season 6, Diana and all that. I'll do this, I'll get myself into this awful situation, and maybe you'll have something to say about it.

To that end, I'm at odds with wether this is really so 'out of character' or not. I hate to see it. But it makes sense. We can't all be perfect and we certainly can't all make good choices.

Mulder in this episode (because I feel like I should dedicate a paragraph to him even though he's not front and centre) disappoints me a bit. I have at this point read a lot of other reviews of this episode on Tumblr and reddit and heard people praise how "protective" he was, "jealous" was a word used, and generally a lot of focus on the shippiness of this episode, to which I can't agree. He infuriated me just a little. I appreciate that he was down to slap Padgett in the cell and I appreciate that he went to the effort of stealing letters to find his name and all, yet when Scully first talks to him about Padgett after the church scene, telling him he's the one who gave her the milagro and he was frightening, all he has to ask is "do you think he's the killer?" not "are you okay" or anything of the sort. Yes, I know Scully's not the kind of person to really appreciate that. She can hold her own, or she'd like him to think so. Still. From *my* perspective, and this is *my* write-up, and *my* Tumblr blog. And I think it's a bothersome thing to say. Also, I roll my eyes at mulder referring to sex as "the naked pretzel." What's with this guy and censoring himself like he's writing a tiktok comment? Actually, between this and "the wild thing" back in genderbender, maybe he just has some crazy hang-up about referring to scully having a sexual encounter (real or imagined) in a serious context. Interesting.

...That paragraph ended up being longer than my other ones. Loss for feminism on the post that I specifically started because I was fuelled by feminism.

"Agent Scully is already in love" should be for all the world a gleeful revelation and I was quite excited to see it, as I'd heard about this scene long before (MSR gifsets was what drew me here in the first place. I'm shallow like that.) But scully has been so kicked around this episode, stripped of privacy and dignity in every sense and this has been exposed to Mulder and everybody else, that it only makes me sad, because I do wish that Padgett would stop talking to her completely and stop getting around in her head like this.

The end scene just kills me, where the killer breaks in and grabs at her heart. She claws at Mulder's back when he embraces her with such fierce desperation and what I can only assume is a very, very deep well of regret. She doesn't shy away from him caring for her: she needs it.

[queerbrainrot]

A Very Subjective Show Recommendation

Basic Info:

Titles: Word of Honor

Main Leads: Zhang Zhe Han as Zhou Zi Shu and Gong Jun as Wen Ke Xing

Overall Tropes etc.: Morally Grey/Black Main Leads | Soulmates | Revenge Story | Childhood Friends to Lovers | Hidden Identity | WantedCriminal4WantedCriminal | Feral4Feral | Ride or Die | "I'm dying" vs "I won't let you" | Amnesia | Fake Identity | Found Family | Criminals adopting an orphan and being better parents | Villain(?) Fuckery | Non Traditional Husband-Wife dynamics | Playing House As Everyone Tries to Kill Them | "I WILL DIE FOR YOU" "no, I WILL DIE FOR YOU" | Villain Redemption Questionmark

How many episodes: 36

Trigger Warnings / Content Warnings: Non-graphic non-traditional self-harm, child abuse, child death, death of family members, death of loved ones, drugging, alcohol, torture, forced suicide via poison, non-graphic non-traditional suicide attempt, violence, brainwashing, hints of incest (between cousins), sexual harassment (background character perpetrator @ background characters, secondary femme character - perpetrator gets killed)

My plot description:

Zhou Zishu who is a former Wuxia-CIA leader gets so mentally unwell that he decides to leave his organization through a prolonged suicide to get at least few years of 'normal' life. He pretends to be a homeless alcoholic-beggar when a too pretty poetry-speaking Wen Kexing who sees Zishu's shoulder blades and decides 'that's my future husband'. Since that moment onward he stalks Zishu because yes he's that unwell. Zishu stumbled on a massacre and accidentally adopts an orphan in the process. The orphan has some very sought-after artefact so Zhou Zishu and Wen Kexing try to keep him alive as the not-so metaphorical ghosts from their pasts try to kill them all.

MyDramaList plot description:

In order to leave the assassin organization The Window of Heaven, the leader Zhou Zi Shu performs an obligatory departure technique, leaving him with three years left to live. He disguises his face and tries to live the remainder of his days as a drunkard wandering the martial arts world. Three months later, he meets the mysterious Wen Ke Xing, who immediately notices Zhou Zi Shu’s façade. The two then grow closer when they get entangled in a conspiracy regarding the Glazed Armor, a protected legendary key to a powerful armory.

SCORING:

Chemistry between characters: Off the charts, convinced this show and the amount of the not subtle queerness in it is the reason why China did a temporary ban on queer romance adaptations. 1000000/10. Gong Jun made 'did you know i like men' into a facial expression.

Plot: 8.5/10, yes we have the artefact and armory thing but honestly the relationship of the leads and their relationships with others take the main chair. Overall though I liked the plot.

Ending: Cried. From two reasons. 10/10.

Did it drag aka did I feel the need to skip forward: Never, I rewatched it in full like 5 times by now I think. 10/10.

Was it easy to understand while going in blind: Honestly? Yes. It's more character driven than plot driven. 10/10.

Other characters: Honestly, loved everyone on screen. Obviously the villains were hate-able, but played well. Loved all of the supportive characters - especially Wen Kexing's and Zhou Zishu's little found family - so it was nice to watch even when main leads weren't on screen for X time. 10/10.

Other Big Pros:

Wen Kexing's costumes. His make up and wardrobe. Whoever was responsible - I hope your pillow is cool and you may never stub your toe. Chefs kiss.

Gu Xiang and her himbo husband - all they needed was her walking him on a literal leash along with the metaphorical they already have.

Zishu's wigs look amazing. Just wanted to say.

Everyone is so pretty I'm experiencing bisexual rage.

STRONG!!! WOMEN!! WHO ROCK!!! SHIT!!!! UPPPPPP!!!

Thoughts/Opinions with some spoilers:

I know this show gave a heart attack to few censors at least. I have no idea how they got away with so much - ZZS and WKX calling each other sOULMATES? Overall cannot recommend it enough. It's easily digestible, engaging and will have you crying, squeeing and fanning yourself. Sometimes all at the same time.

[catbountry]

Kill. Murder. Rape. Suicide. Pedophile. Nazi. Hitler. Covid. Dead. Death.

When's the last time you watched a YouTube video or a TikTok video where some or even all of these words were censored, either by being bleeped out like what used to be reserved solely for swear words, or having sound-alike stand-ins (sewer slide, PDF File) or euphemisms (unalive)?

I'm not sure exactly where "unalive" came from, but I want to say it was in a similar batch of Roblox screencaps of children trying to creatively get past wordfilters by telling people to "go commit die." And I guess Fortnite played a role as well. Apparently "game-end" is attributed to a short film covered by Pyrocynical which was made to be family friendly, but I swear I have this memory of official Epic Games promo material using the term and I don't know if this real or not. I don't play Fortnite and I never will, so this was not considered important enough to really properly commit it to memory.

EDIT: It came from a Spider-man cartoon where Deadpool used it in an incredibly in-character way. Thanks, Guy I'm Going to Reference Later in this Post.

It's an incredibly childish word. It seems like it was one that used to be used ironically until TikTok, being owned by a Chinese company where censorship laws are much stricter than here in the U.S., decided that words like "dead" and "death" and even "hole" were too dangerous of something, causing users to start getting creative and adapting these absurd euphemisms and they became so popular that people started using it who weren't even using it as a cheeky way to get around these word filters, on other sites that didn't have these same restrictions.

YouTubers can say the word "death" and "die" and (usually) don't have to worry about demonitization. The self-censoring that I remember starting on this very website, done as a way to either prevent posts being found through search or possibly offending the most sensitive of followers, is now being used by users to get around the restrictions set by giant faceless corporations to protect The Children, whose parents are giving them unrestricted access to the internet at younger and younger ages. I watched a video from an adult YouTuber crying about Newgrounds-style animations that were on YouTube about My Little Pony and about how traumatized he was by these, while also insisting he had good parents.

Good parents would not have let you have unrestricted access to 2012 YouTube unsupervised at age seven. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gotta be the one to tell you this. I'm sure your parents are very nice people, but they could have easily used the internet to find out what kind of stuff was available on the internet. That was an oversight.

I was an adult on the internet in 2012. If I saw a parent just sit their toddler in front of YouTube, I would have asked them what the hell was wrong with them. Now, I see my cousin's children with their iPads watching videos of a faceless person playing with Paw Patrol figures, and I feel uneasy, but a little more hesitant to say something since my cousin seems well aware of the kind of place the internet is, and is always nearby when his kids are watching things. The internet was a constant presence for me in middle and high school, in the late 90's to early 2000's, and I saw some shit I should not have seen. But the trade-off was that I had a space where I could express myself openly, a place my mom didn't care about and wouldn't see. I clicked things I know I shouldn't have because I was a dumb, curious kid, and my mom was happy to not have to deal with me and have me be quiet, I guess. And my cousin is only a year older than I am, so I imagine our experiences on the early internet weren't that much different, considering he's also a bit of a nerd.

So this YouTuber aims his ire at the animators, who were making animations for other adult fans of the show (which he acknowledges), for daring to make edgy content of something made for children, holding up this children's media as a sort of sacred cow. For comparison, in middle and high school I was watching crude animations of frogs in blenders, stick figures bashing each other's heads into walls, and torture simulators featuring anyone from Pikachu and Elmo to Osama bin Laden. But because kids like him, kids brought up in the age of web 2.0, found these videos and watched them before their age had hit double-digits, those videos got lots of views from other children. And from that, we got Elsagate and Finger Family, videos that are still around but have mutated from featuring Elsa and Spider-man to now featuring Huggy Wuggy from Poppy's Playtime, or Pomni from The Amazing Digital Circus or Bluey from, uh, Bluey. These aren't edgy animations made for and by teenagers and young adults for a laugh, they're videos presumably made by teams of adults to mass produce and fill with as much shocking, click-baity content that doesn't even require being able to understand English to understand the plot, all to get watch-time to make money. There's no artistic merit to it. It's neither satire, nor is it an earnest expression of love for the source material, the latter of which, whether you like it or not, is where most rule 34 falls. No, these videos have only ever been content slop since this started around 2016. And this shit is still happening.

That same YouTuber has made a video about how we need to stop saying "unalive," which is part of what inspired me to post this at all, and I can't help but feel like this dude takes himself way too goddamn seriously, frowning upon "commit toaster bath" and "late term fetus deletus," which my edgelord, former 4channer millennial brain finds funny (it is too late for me, lads). This dude is in his early 20's and it's really interesting seeing someone discover pretty much things I've known since I was his age, but acting like they're these huge revelations. Like yeah, I've known about media influence on culture since I was in middle school, because of the internet, which was new and unrestricted by the Standards and Practices that shackled old media like radio and television. That used to be something that pretty much everybody on the internet was aware of; it's the reason why we came here in the first place. And you are right that giant corporations are censoring people, but also, the internet being corralled into a small handful of websites makes internet culture more homogenized and disposable. People can still meet life-long friends through the internet, but the sites where I first met some of my best friends are digital ghost towns, if they still exist at all, or they've become overrun with users infected by political brainworms that make them have incredibly strong opinions on a one-off promotional video done by Budweiser with a transgender TikTok influencer. You've got better luck making life-long friends through playing in the same Minecraft server together than you do being mutuals on Instagram or Twitter. And while Discord is the closest thing I've been able to find that replicates the feeling of both forum culture and chatrooms of the past, it's got its own set of problems unique to it. I can just say "Discord kitten" and most people who use Discord will know exactly what I mean.

Whoever decided to stop teaching kids about how to be safe online should probably be shot. Facebook made putting your whole-ass name and face and location on the internet not just normal, but people will find you suspicious if you choose not to do that. God, I fucking hate Facebook so much.

He's right, though, about the social contagion effect of language. This was a concern for me on this website a decade ago, but that was all social pressure. There was no corporate mandate cracking down on people, making them type "st*pid" to get around restrictions. That was all moral peacocking, baby. People did that shit to themselves.

Tumblr nowadays feels more sane, just because those of us left after the porn ban got a couple of years to grow up and chill out. But because of the porn ban, we can only really talk about the effects of it and complain, rather than be able to post our smut openly. Human sexuality expresses itself in some genuinely weird ways; I should know, and you should probably donate to Archive of Our Own to make sure there's a space where these things can be expressed without fear of censorship to protect The Children. But "unalive" is a symptom of a much larger problem, which is to sand off all the edges of the internet to make it marketable; the free market is more than happy to cater to the whims of the CCCP if they think it can make them more money. There's a lot of people in China, after all. The internet has more people on it but they're confined to much smaller spaces. Children don't have their own spaces online, and when they do, they're not as carefully moderated, instead opting for either overworked humans overseas, or dumb robots that just filter certain words and just become an obstacle to maneuver around to tell something to kill themselves with the creativity of someone who's at a sixth-grade reading level. People in their 20's are uncomfortable with nudity and sex scenes in films, perhaps under the assumption that it's always exploitation, that these scenes can't have artistic merit and are solely there to titillate, and given the sort of dumbing down of art thanks to Marvel and Disney, this seems like the only natural result when combined with the trauma of finding things online that you shouldn't have at way too young of an age. I do not like where this is going, and it's really saying something that those brought up in a sex-negative, American puritanical mindset only start paying attention when the censorship is affecting how we talk about death, something we have absolutely no problem with glorifying in our culture.

And if you're wondering why I wrote yet another long-ass essay bemoaning the slow death of internet culture and the Weenie Hut Jr's-fication of younger generations, well, it's because of this screenshot from 4chan.

Now if only they could bully out the tradcaths.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Covid-19: is there a gagging order? - Published Sept 13, 2024

by Juliet Green

Covid-19 continues to have a significant impact on health and the economy, but questions to political leaders are met with a wall of silence

Covid-19 has two walls. The Memorial Wall for those killed by the SARS-CoV-2 virus, and the ‘wall of silence’ when questions are asked. Though #Covid-19 regularly trends on social media in posts by the ‘Covid-aware’ – researchers in the field, medics who see the impact, scientifically literate lay persons, or people who are clinically vulnerable or have been harmed by the infection – for some time there has been criticism that political leaders and mainstream journalists are inexplicably stonewalling.

Covid-19 is everywhere and nowhere Covid-19 has wryly been named ‘Coldemort’ on social media, as the disease about which we must not speak. Pundit avoidance feels so practised now that it was a bit of a shock to hear the word in the mouths of presenters at the Paris Olympics. It was almost as if the announcement that US sprinter Noah Lyles had raced (without winning the expected gold) while infected with Covid-19 slipped out before they had the chance to self-censor. Notably, the video has now been removed.

More commonly, Covid-19 is labelled the “the elephant in every room” – cognitive dissonance played out in absurd events across the world. A US presidential candidate declares the pandemic over and two years later, is infected again with the virus that ends his campaign. The first “post-Covid” Olympics is noticeably not: the virus makes headlines when it impacts performances but there is less fanfare when volunteers resign citing lack of mitigations. A US party conference announces a “surprise guest” and the world-weary joke is that the guest was Covid but it was no surprise.

The irreconcilable contradiction between pretending Covid-19 is gone and the reality of what it continues to do, induces collective face-palming from those who are aware. There is a sense of disbelief and frustration evident on social media, to the extent that some dogged posters take every opportunity to demand answers about infection control or air quality or disease surveillance. It is easy to imagine the annoyed eye-rolls by those being questioned but the overwhelming response appears to be no response.

Crumbs of hope Some optimism persists with the hope that a public figure will speak up or at least allow a discussion. On rare occasions, a radio host may accept a phone-in from a long Covid-19 sufferer and let them speak for a few minutes without being cut off, but it is also likely that a promised feature on a show will be postponed and then never materialise without explanation or further commentary from the presenter or producer.

Before the recent UK general election, Covid-conscious voters scrutinised the party manifestos but found meagre scraps. The LibDems scored points against the Greens because their clean air policy included indoor air. The Labour Party promised to implement the findings of the Covid inquiry but only as a historical framing and not an ongoing threat. Crucial evidence is being presented to the inquiry in the current session, but the Labour government has said nothing. None of the manifestos offered to reinstate universal vaccination, surveillance and reporting nor to improve public health and infection control to protect their citizens.

Why then and not now? There were higher hopes when the Labour government announced its cabinet and Andrew Gwynne, the new Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Public Health and Prevention, himself a long Covid sufferer, had as his very first listed responsibility health protection: Covid-19. He had posted before on long Covid and had spoken on it in parliament. Since the election, he has engaged on RSV, measles, HIV and ME, but a search of his X feed brings up no mention of Covid since March 2024, despite repeated prodding from followers.

Similarly, in opposition, Bridget Phillipson took the government to task for failing on ventilation in schools. Now, as Minister of State for Education, she insists that all children must be in school under exactly the same conditions. She has not mentioned ventilation nor replied to anyone asking about indoor air quality or reminding her that illness is the main reason for absence.

It is much the same for the Greens. As I write, Carla Denyer, the co-leader, is missing conference due to a “Covid-like” infection. This is the first time she has mentioned it since 2022, apart from once this year, referring to it in the past as the time when we clapped for the doctors. Yet in June of 2022 she was on BBC Points West pushing hard for support for sufferers of long Covid.

What is going on? There is speculation, but no certainty, about the reasons for the silent treatment. If it stems from a belief that Covid-19 is trivial, we should at least expect this as a response. Maybe there is reluctance to be associated with what the right wing press label “Covid extremists” with all the abuse that invites. Or perhaps trauma from the early pandemic persists. But the total and almost universal blanking leaves room for theories that something deeper may be at play – that an edict has been given and all our public figures are abiding by it.

It matters, because the airbrushing of Covid-19 from the narrative leads to ignorance and complacency in the wider population and this is a problem. Covid-19 has not become less dangerous just because it is not talked about, but in spite of the statistics (more than 7,000 official UK Covid-19 deaths so far in 2024 and 400 million long Covid sufferers worldwide) there is genuine surprise from people that they can still be infected, still be seriously ill in the acute stage and still get long Covid as a result.

And perhaps this is the nub of it. If Covid-19 is acknowledged, then there would be accountability. Things would need to be done differently and that is simply too much effort.

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Andy Craig at The UnPopulist:

Elon Musk, the billionaire CEO of Tesla and Space X and owner of the social media platform formerly known as Twitter, styles himself as one of society’s great champions of free speech. He has explicitly framed X, his rebrand of Twitter, as a singular haven for the free flow of ideas. A self-professed “free speech absolutist,” Musk has a rather grandiose view of his role in the battle between free speech and censorship, at one point even suggesting that reforming Twitter from its allegedly left-favoring ways amounted to “a battle for the future of civilization.” As Musk sees it, he is on a crusade against woke censors tirelessly committed to stifling the free exchange of ideas. When asked why he bought Twitter on Joe Rogan’s podcast, Musk revealed that he did so to stop it from being used as an “information technology weapon” intended to spread the speech-restricting “woke mind virus” to the whole world. “In order for the virus to propagate, it must suppress opposing viewpoints,” he said. Musk claims he bought Twitter to stop the spread.

Genuine defense of free expression is a noble, worthwhile endeavor—which makes it all the more unfortunate that Musk, like many self-styled free speech crusaders, is anything but a friend of the right to speak freely. He is arbitrary about the kind of speech he allows on his platform, construing the word “cis” a slur and threatening to ban accounts who use it, and on occasion disallowing negative coverage of Tesla. That might be hypocritical but ultimately his prerogative and not a violation of speech rights. But what’s truly dumbfounding is that while claiming to oppose censorship, Musk has repeatedly attacked the First Amendment rights of those who have said things he doesn’t like. In court and elsewhere, Musk advocates censorship by the state, sometimes putting his effectively unlimited resources into undermining core legal protections for free expression. Musk is hardly alone in pretending to fight censorship while trying to expand it, though he’s the most glaring embodiment today of the inverted relationship between free speech rhetoric and actually living out free speech principles. That makes him a threat to free speech, not its greatest defender.

Defending Free Speech By … Silencing Critics?

Last year, progressive advocacy organization Media Matters reported that, on Musk’s X, major corporate advertisements were running next to overt white supremacist and neo-Nazi content. Given that such content had proliferated on the site since Musk’s takeover, this finding was hardly surprising. Overt bigotry is essentially the only thing more permitted (and encouraged) under Musk’s management than on pre-Musk Twitter. 

[...]

There was no dispute that the screenshots Media Matters provided were real, not fakes. Musk’s only argument was that they were unrepresentative, which was hardly the point given that major American companies reasonably expect their ads to appear next to posts praising Adolf Hitler exactly zero times. Despite lacking a serious legal claim, Musk promptly threatened a “thermonuclear lawsuit,” later following that up with even more absurd threats against not just Media Matters but anybody who donated to the non-profit. Musk’s legal case against Media Matters actually managed to validate the watchdog’s reporting, since his argument tacitly confirmed that the ads in fact appeared next to the hateful content in question; his only claim was the ads weren’t juxtaposed next to offensive posts as frequently as some believed. Most audaciously of all, Musk characterized his lawsuit as a defense of free speech—all the while he was literally asking the government to punish true, constitutionally protected speech he didn’t like.

Worse, in a flagrant bit of judge-shopping, Musk filed his lawsuit in the Northern District of Texas—infamous for being the most MAGA-friendly federal court in the nation—despite the fact that neither he nor Media Matters have any real connection to the district. But he wasn’t content to leave it at that. Musk also proudly cheered on the attorneys general of both Texas and Missouri who opened criminal investigations into Media Matters, ostensibly for some kind of fraud. The real purpose, however, was plain: to use state power to punish core First Amendment protected speech.

[...] Musk has, on occasion, wound up on the correct side of a free speech fight against foreign governments seeking to coerce him, such as when he stood up to Brazil’s Supreme Court justice who tried to arrest election deniers and those who allegedly undermine electoral institutions. But at other times he’s caved to government demands in craven and non-transparent ways, including succumbing to the demand of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to suppress an unflattering BBC documentary about Modi’s role in a Muslim pogrom. Such fights are common for social media giants, which are global platforms with international reach. In fact, pre-Musk Twitter was known for being one of the most aggressive and reliable resisters, through both litigation and outright non-compliance. Musk’s acquisition took one of the tech world’s staunchest and most effective defenders of free speech and made it a weakened pushover.

Andy Craig writes in The UnPopulist that right-wing X owner Elon Musk’s claims to be a “free speech absolutist” are a sham, as he has censored speech that he doesn’t approve of.

[amurr-reha]

“Navigation is hard, it’s not intuitive.” - I keep hearing this.

If any twitter friends have questions, I would love to answer any to try and help make using Tumblr easier for you, if you choose to use it. It’s honestly very simple and has a ton of creative features.

                                       (More below!)

A big big big thing I want to stress - Tumblr is NOT a quick consumable metric chasing website, it’s not built to be. I would recommend Instagram if you want to chase metrics and consume media versus focus on the artistic or RP building atmosphere of it.

Don’t worry about the “layout” so hard. If you want to make one, there’s free layouts out there but it’s a legacy thing, so I wouldn’t make a priority. Unless you give someone your NAME@tumblr link versus tumblr.com/NAME link, they’ll never really see it (you’ll never see it). Focus on that later.

Asks: A built in CuriousCat/Telloynm

Messages: DMs

Conversing/Interacting:

Lovenotes in tags (People write comments in them along with the actual proper tagging when reblogging - not required but it makes people’s days and will inspire them to do the same for yours/others)

Commenting (self explanatory - comment on an image and we can reply back)

Re-blog commenting (If you make a text post, we can reblog and add our own text to it - can make it a back and forth chain but I wouldn't recommend unless it’s RP or questions or intellectual debate)

                  (Hey look, I don't have a 280 chara limit)               (This baby can fit so much text customization)

Asks: a great feature to ask questions or submit reblogged writing prompts for RP. Comes with Anon feature (togglable).

Reblogging is exposure. Likes are personal and do not populate on dashboards like on Twitter. People can still access them from your page but odds are they aren’t going to do that. You can make your Likes private for only you to see if you wanted as well.

You can upload an array of things from Text, Photos, Quotes, Music, etc. as shown on the easy access post bar at the top of your dashboard.

Tumblr has an Archive function, so if you want to search everything you tagged with XYZ, it will show you everything you uploaded with that tag. No blackhole like Twitter.

Already mentioned but don’t censor tags. They aren’t used as weapons here. You don’t get punished for using the full words, it’s for the protection of others to use the correct terminology when tagging so they can add it to their Blocked/Muted Words list.

Yes you can post nsfw here again.

Posting text - if you highlight your word/sentence, a bar will pop up with some text customizations. You can also use keyboard functions CTRL B/CTRL I. To undo it, click on the icon again so it goes from (on) blue to (off) black.

Omg what’s that? An EDIT button? We can edit our posts after posting.

All in all - click the post photo button, upload photo, write caption, tag and post. That’s literally it. 

If not getting 100+ likes instantly honestly and truly bothers you (that's called social media addiction btw lmao), go to Instagram. Best wishes my friends - may the blue bird rise and fly with it’s one remaining wing again  ♡ 

[cuntstable]

something about watching youtube videos that are attempting to seriously discuss topics like abuse and they have to bleep every mention of the word itself. or watching a tiktok trying to seriously and earnestly talk about a breaking news story about an actor being a rapist and they have to self censor the word too or use a childish replacement like grape or whatever else. its like actually making me wanna dig my eyeballs out of their sockets with my fingers LOL

and like im not even mad at the people Doing it bc like. i dont know how strict guidelines and censorship can be, i dont know! i emphatize with the desire to protect the content you make, especially when its serious and informative, so i cant fault people for self censoring! but im just horrified at algorythms taking away peoples ability to use the correct words when speaking about topics like this, that TRULY do require specificity and maturity! and im equally worried about what self censoring in fear of those algorythms can lead to!

like how are we meant to meaningfully discuss and honestly talk about topics as difficult and painful and pervasive as rape or abuse if we cant even properly name them anymore? especially when calling those things what they are has already always been a point of contention and a problem for victims and the surrounding society at large?

[teaveetamer]

Whew so a lot happened in the last few days and I've been trying to get things together. Sorry y'all, I thought this was going to be the end of a very dark two years for a lot of us.

Tl;dr: Despite our best efforts the mods have decided that not hurting the feelings of toxic actors in their community is their #1 priority.

Frankly, considering all of the death threats they got for trying to enforce the rules of their server, specifically these two rules...

... I'm not really surprised that things have turned out this way. When you have mods encouraging further harassment and spitting some really scary rhetoric with 0 self awareness (I have an entire thing I could go into with this, holy fuck it's bad) then some day you're going to turn around and find that your whole community is rotten to the core when someone finally tries to step up and purge the toxicity.

And that's exactly what happened.

"Happy lynching." Classy. I really hope you're not American and you just don't understand the history behind that word. And guillotine threats. Lovely. The absolute irony of someone going "woah hey guys no death threats" and then proceeding to send a guillotine death threat.

To be clear all of these conversations happened on the same day, the timestamps are slightly different because I got these from a few different sources who are all in different timezones. I put them in chronological order in this post.

I'm sorry to all of the moderators that genuinely seemed like they wanted to hash this out and put it all behind us. You don't deserve this kind of backlash for just trying to do your jobs. I wish you luck, because clearly you're going to need it.

I'm asking that if anyone posts screenshots of the server that you censor out the names of people who aren't directly engaging in harassment. Other than that, it appears we're going to have to keep bringing light to this in order to protect ourselves from harassment, since the mods refuse to hold themselves accountable and enforce their rules.