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[boneles-ss]

I loved the ending of the silt verses for so many reasons: because I’m a sucker for the smoking Chekov’s gun, a thematically rich tragedy, and the sickly sweet stench of a narrative that is ultimately and above all else, hopeful.

We were shown the dangers of hope, in the (in retrospect) most seemingly “out of place” episode in the entire series—the hope motel one with the doomed gay people. It was an amazing episode, do not get me wrong, but listening to it for me was like “okay, so based on this, when is hope going to, once again, bite us in the ass. Or literally bite us idk we had somewhat similar foreshadowing used with the sleep god thing from season 1.”

And of course it would be the finale. Of course it would be reading through the transcript, knowing that there’s a shadow of a chance that Carpenter lived to do all the things she was so ready to do, that she wasn’t giving up, or that she died in the water, on her feet, brought to a prophesied end in the god who could not seem to let her go, but that ultimately, she did NOT GO WILLINGLY.

Of course it would be the unknown of Paige and her caravan, trekking through the polluted lands in search of something kinder, something new, knowing that Paige would leave them behind one day—but that day is not today—and she would see them on. It’s hoping beyond hope that they all escape, that they can make something better out there, and that there are ways for people to follow out of this old world, if they choose to read the signs.

That’s what I think that episode was “for.” Obviously episodes like that don’t NEED to tie into the plot directly, and they’re sometimes narratively more satisfying if they’re left self-contained (the power plant ep was also brilliant in a very similar way (and I’m realizing now that that ep also mirrors Paige’s journey….that should be it’s own post)), but its about the theming, the framing of the tragedy, and the foreshadowing of it all. The motel was tragic and awful because it toyed with our hope—rending it functionally untrustworthy. But we choose to hope anyway (I’ve seen the polls lmao) and we make a good story on our own, in our own minds, out of that ambiguity. The ending to me is so good because WE can choose how it ends. We are given that agency, and I think it’s so satisfying either way! We KNOW the god in the motel was fucking with our hope and eating those who dared to try and we still said BUT WHAT IF-

so what’s the harm in hoping for the best for those whose stories continue after we stop consuming them? Hhhhhh this show and this ending are going to stick with me forever

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Thanks for your response. I was the anon who ended the ask with 'the fandom can suck it'. When I saw that anon who you and twinanimatronics had assumed to be the one that keeps you know starting shit with you, I really hated that they labeled us as shipbrain or whatever they said. I am aroace who finds comfort in shipping characters and that doesn't make me any less aroace. Can't people like them just let us have this, let us share it and stop taping our mouths? God. We are not even hurting anyone. I posted a solarxmoon and solarxearth mini comic thing yesterday and behold, I believe that same anon found it and is looking adamantly through the solarxmoon and even solarxearth because I didn't use the tsams tag for my comic. I took the comic down fast and turned off anon messages so quick because God that anon was quick to leave nasty messages, six in total and that was panic attack inducing. I'm sorry for rambling about this. I don't know anyone else who got that same anon on their back. It looks like they are persistent for lack of better term and it annoys me+scares me. Can't even share things I like about here anymore. Hoping solarxmoon becomes canon so that anon can shut up already

If Solar Moon became canon, they don't even need to change anything.

The actors don't even need to pretend to kiss or be romanically involved at all.

It's literally as simple as "Oh yeah, we were dating for months, anyway..."

OH AND... FUCK THAT ANON. I know the user you are talking about, I think there's around two or three of them... and it seems like they're dead set on hunting down people who use that Solarmoon or Solar x Moon tag.

Going into popular users in the tsams fandom that I personally don't know... and spreading bad lies and rumors about me.

Like, they typically try to keep it as vague as possible, like "oh I am not talking about dana-chan-the-control-brain specifically....." but they often steal the exact wording and turn of phrase I use.

Cause I have an overly wordy way of talking on the internet.

I've always been this way since I was 15, so I feel my style of speaking is pretty overly wordy, rambly and long compared to most people just because I don't have a lot to share with my opinions with in real life. And I also misspell things a lot cus spellcheck has gotten worse since it became AI trained and it doesn't help my dyslexia.

But how sad is that? That someone is searching out the tag for a ship that they don't like, claim that "it's everywhere" and I'm "poisoning the fanbase" when I'm just.... here... playing with my own dolls, doing my own thing.... and not bothering anyone... Not even putting the ship in the tags publicly because I have Such respect and love for the silly little youtube show, who also plays with fnaf characters like they're dolls.

(just saying.. "bio-organic" and interdimensional travel did NOT come from fnaf I can tell you that much. )

And yeah, if they're really stumbling across Solarmoon or these ships on accident.......Blacklist the tags and move on? Don't come to my messages... Don't harass my friends...

And don't harass other people I DON'T EVEN KNOW because someone just said "hehe but what if they kissed" on the internet?

Like blocklist the tag, and move on.

I know the blocklisting tagging system sucks sometimes, so maybe it's picking up "Solar" like in that case? Just scroll super fast and don't look at it?

And yeah. You don't deserve those nasty messages sent your way at all!

Oh, and if you feel brave enough to reupload your art to tumblr and DM me, I will gladly reblog it here. <3

[spot-the-antisemitism]

anon again (IT WAS ME POP)

https://www.tumblr.com/spot-the-antisemitism/756918984897708032/urhgghgh-i-know-a-user-whos-getting-pretty?source=share

I think I;m just going to tell you guys who the person is, they honestly are pretty fucked up.

(I tried to tell them on anon ages ago, but I wasn't as well versed as I am now. they are PROBABLY going to find this and get mad at me, so be it I've been through worse. being mentally ill is not a fucking excuse for anything, but an explanation on why you should do better in the future. I've had the same thoughts and was told similar shit I'm fucked in the head too, and you don't see me being actively horrible or death threaten people. there are lines and you crossed them I waited to see if it got better and it didn't, so yeah I'm snitching.)

but it’s just not a freaking excuse, this shit is never an excuse and they should get flack.

I'm probably going to do this in multiple parts fml

yeah I sent the anon, it basically went like

"hey zionism isn't bad, here's some Palestinian blogs I suggest-

(yk some of the popular ones before I knew they were dicks to jewish people and "zionists" forgive me I went through like 7 character arcs this year)

-I don't think Aaron self immolating was good and I think it encourages people to do similar things and as a suicidal person I think thats pretty bad, I think he should have had help. also that he was doing it for pretty antisemitic reasons? and he followed alot of conspiracy theories? and he should have gotten help and not self emulated."

again they went through some horrible abuse at fundie churches, KEEP IT IN MIND.

but yeah I think that anon is Bleh.

that's why the anon I sent was deleted, they answered actually pretty nicely the first time then came back and reblogged it and was like "HOPE YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE GENOCIDE SUPPORTER" yada yada.

I have thick skin, but yeah it wasn't okay.

<3 happiest "genocide apologist" around <3

(yeah guys forgive me I still believed most of the popular Palestine bloggers were normal about people, they weren't :P)

again, I'm suicidal.

I've almost fallen for TOO MANY acceleratist death cult shit, just in general.

I am motherfucking disabled both physically and developmentally, as well as mentally ill.

(I will bitch and moan about it til the day I fucking die)

I have as much of a right as them to talk about it "oh your being ableist" for fucks sake your telling me the guy who has consoled my friends, mentally ill kids, and more that I'M? not a mental health ally and that I'm a saneist fuck?

thanks but no thanks, I don't think anyone should kill themselves needlessly.

there's like 2 more posts these ones

https://www.tumblr.com/impunkster-syndrome/739038334941265920/self-admitted-zionists-everyone-eat-shit-and-fuck?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/impunkster-syndrome/744575996443885568/thank-you-for-exposing-that-one-blog-as-zionists?source=share

I don't have enough space to include screenshots and I will get blocked after I post this ask probably.

anyway, I can't stop them from doing this and they have already harassed some Israelis

so BLOCKLIST THEY GO

I want to help them change but they aren't that type of person.

anyway, love you all sorry for the horrors.

-pop

Should have ditched them earlier honestly

they used to a literal nazi?

like Pop my friend that's a red flag no.

I don't trust former nazis not to revert to their ways these days

love

Cecil

[faggotry-enjoyer]

https://definitions.uslegal.com/d/death-threat/

Under state criminal codes, which vary by state, it is an offense to knowingly utter or convey a threat **to cause** death or bodily harm to any person.

It is also an offense to threaten to burn, destroy or damage property or threaten to kill, poison or injure an animal or bird that belongs to a person.

You got hate, possibly a threat. A death threat is not what happened. You argue pedantics of how trauma survivors, POC, and more marginalized groups speak constantly and I think it's okay to do it to you as well.

I understand that you want attention (turning back on anon asks) but you can seriously be doing better for yourself. Obviously what that person said is out of line and I don't share the same sentiments, but you can't claim to be the victim of something that serious in this case. I hope you grow up a little but I don't want to facilitate it. Learn to recognize your white, goy, financially well position of power over other people and try to understand why so many people are upset with you.

Sincerely, someone who has been through worse and is still a decent person through it all.

i concede that the other ask may not have technically been a death threat. i maintain that focusing on that technicality here is messed up - someone just told me they want me to die. that's frightening no matter how you cut it.

in general, i actually tend to find the progressive fixation on language very frustrating. i only talk about language like that when it's actively harmful, and even then i know there's a time and a place.

for example, i talk on here about how phrases like "narcissistic abuse" contribute to demonization of personality disorders, but i would never choose to focus on that if somebody used the term when talking to me about their own trauma, because i know that's not the most important thing in that moment by a long shot. you do understand the difference between the two, right? hell, in this vein i even share stuff that has this kind of saneist language i would otherwise object to, because i'm capable of recognizing when terminology is a distraction.

the other one you probably have in mind is the way i discuss the misuse of terms like zionism, or dogwhistles more generally. and here? if you genuinely think that the kind of rhetoric that gets jews killed is on the same level as using somewhat stronger language than necessary while shaken, that's a you issue. especially because the people i'm talking to with this one are western leftists, who have left jews out of their activism for years and completely abandoned them since october 7th, to say nothing of the more active antisemitism. i'm not talking to palestinians who are directly affected, i'm talking to people who have the power to foment the kind of antisemitism that, again, gets jews killed. the western left are not in any way the victims here.

i didn't turn anon asks back on for attention, i did it because i usually prefer it that way and i'd hoped enough time had passed since the last unsettling anons i got. the blocklist dropped after that.

you don't get to decide that i can do better for myself, and i don't want you to facilitate my "growing up" either. i don't need the mentorship of cowards who won't dare to show their face when they condescend to me.

fascinating choice to bring up my goyische position of power here. for one, do you really think i'm unaware of that? the thing that i'm talking and sharing about every day? for two, in case you didn't notice, somebody just told me they want me to die because i stood up for jews. that's antisemitism. does it have the same kind of impact on me that it does on jews? not at all, not by any stretch of the imagination. this is a small, small taste of the kind of thing they go through on a daily basis. and even this is unnerving. do you think i don't know how much worse it is for them? do you think i don't come on here and listen to their pain every single day? you are using jews as a prop to get one over on me and it's not working. the day i shut up about antisemitism is the day i die. the day i abandon jews for the approval of other leftists is the day i die.

dressing your suck it up mentality in progressive language doesn't make it any less callous.

i'm sorry that you went through worse - genuinely, i am - and i'm sorry that you feel the need to assert that when someone dares to go through less than you did. it's sad to see the amount of cognitive dissonance on display here and i wish you well in resolving it.

[dreamswap-crackhead-council]

Maybe y’all should learn how to block people instead of airing your drama in fandom tags. Being called a pedophile is a very serious accusation, and you have every right to be upset, but going “fuck you” to an entire fandom because of some drama from mods of a past blog is ridiculous.

Can't wait until you've realized I've already blocked all of those people and they're still harassing me on my personal blog and this blog, alongside the ds defunct council when it ran. Hope you have eyes to know that that message I got was anonymous too.

In fact, here's the blocklist I had set up before this little weasley cunt decided to show up in MY blog, barge into MY space, and call ME a pedo.

note: majority of these people in the old image have had their name cleared for the most part? so i changed the image. Pls kindly do not harass the people in the old dni, just like King Fox/Foxxism - do not harass him! DO NOT HARASS HIM!

Clearly they're still getting support somewhere, and whether that's from Kai and Frey, or the IBVS gang, or some random fuckwads with an iq of a sponge and the usefulness of dirty soap, or they're doing it cause they think they can get away with it in this fandom, clearly whatever I've done so far (which was: generally keep it in this circle) has not deterred them from harassing me, so I guess I gotta reach for bigger and bigger guns.

You know what's also serious? King Fox going around into people's DMs and whispering to them about all the shit I supposedly did, and not allowing me to tell my side of the story. But the second I exclaim what happened in a public space, apparently I'm the bad guy. By speaking out about the abuse I'm going through, I'm "causing too much of a ruckus".

Imagine telling that to the victims of Glitchtale's creators, who've undoubtedly have experienced that already. Imagine having the GALL on telling that to the people who were sexually harassed and raped by others in the #MeToo movement.

Imagine telling this to any victim, as if this fandom is a religious place and I need to keep hush-hush about the abuse the pastors and popes put me through.

You know what that sounds like to me? That sounds like victim blaming. Oh, don't hold the people harassing me to their actions, it's my fault apparently for not liking that. Oh, it's my fault apparently for being sensitive about sweammare or jmv in the past, even if the shit in that hit a little close to home. How dare I tell a snot-nosed kid to stop fucking being a bitch to me, I must be an absolute fucking predator aren't I? /sarcasm

It's amazing too. Hey Mod Smoke, remember when we used to date before you realized you were aroace, and Frey and their ex-datemate kept claiming to others that I must be abusing you because you're ace and I'm dating you? Oh, but if I mention that, I must be rocking the boat, as if those accusations weren't still standing to this day for some people who heard that from them, because bitches would rather sweep that shit under the rug or "well acktually 🤓" explaining it away rather then apologize for their fucking shenanigans and tell others they were wrong, even if that have or had real-life consequences for me.

Or that time I was excluded from the fandom at the ripe age of 15 with a mom who "homeschooled" me so the only friends I even had were in that fandom, and then I was proceeded to be called acephobic, and now years later Frey claims to "not remember", even though I'm the one with the disorder that causes memory lapses, so what is their fucking excuse? Amazing how universally, bullies don't remember their bullying, and yet when the victims call them out, they're making a fuss and "they were just a child, they need to move on" as if bullying doesn't leave people scarred for many years to come, and that apparently because being a kid excuses every single action in the past. You know who's also still a kid (16-17 range) as far as I know? King Fox. You going to excuse his shitty and vile behavior because he's a kid still too?

I'm so glad I have better friends then the lot of you. Might I also note the closer circle of my friends are also ace, and if any of them thought I was an acephobic asshole, I'm sure they would have ditched me after four damn years?

This fandom is a fucking fermented vat for abuse to spring up, and it's fucking epidemic. This fandom has excused shitty actions from people who should have been held liable. Clearly you don't remember the shit Kai and Frey did to another 15 year old (not me, shockingly enough), who they literally called a reverse pedophile, or the bullshit they said about Joku when they hopped on that train of "joku bad us good". Huh, it's almost as if they seem to target the people who happen to also have autism, too!

I'm so tired of people who don't even bother apologizing.

Does any of this make you uncomfortable? Then good, because clearly that means I'm doing my job right in showing you the ugly heart of this shitty place outside the area I've carved from the flesh.

And just because I was an extra good boy for Christmas, I'll fucking treat myself to tagging this in the fandom again, cause clearly those in the back need to hear it better.

And just to smear it in your face: go fuck yourself, anon. You have no say or power here.

[eliseliedl]

Oml I just saw that unhinged rant post about gifmakers. Maybe you and the other user they tagged beside you should compare blocklists and see if you can figure out who it is, it must have been someone that got blocked super recently to be losing their mind like that to such an extent to make another blog and tag the two of you so you could see how angry they are lmao It's crazy how people have been treating gifmakers recently, as if you guys aren't the biggest contributors to content on here. Hope you're doing okay, I for one really appreciate all you do! <3

nah it's fine i don't wanna give them any attention and they seem to have deleted that blog so... let's just ignore toxic people, nothing hurts them more ^^

yeah it really sucks 'cause a lot of people are so rude and ungrateful towards us for some reason...? like they think we just press a button and boom, an entire gifset is made and anyone can do that, and we are not allowed to complain about people stealing our work ever because it's soooooo easy 🙄 i don't think it's an exaggeration to say that gifmakers keep this website alive. many people only ever come here just for the gifs. and no, we don't think we're 'gods', all we want is for people to appreciate us like they used to and stop disrespecting us by constantly reposting our gifs to other websites or straight up talking sh1t about them. that's all we want. we don't get paid for making gifs and will never ask anyone to pay us. we do it for fun. and it stops being fun when people are unnecessarily rude.

and i've never blocked a person for no reason, that person must have said something horrible if i immediately blocked them. and it's crazy to me that they got SO offended over a situation where they just are not a victim. to this, i wanna say to any gifmaker/artist/writer/etc who reads this: if someone bothers you, if they leave rude comments in your creations... don't be afraid to block them. they can get offended all they want, ultimately it's you who matters.

thankfully most people are chill and leave nice comments (which i really appreciate btw 💖) so i'd rather focus on that. thanks for the message you're very sweet!

[matan4il]

To the Nonnie who sent a further follow up message, thank you! Here's all of it...

Hello! I’m once again here The same anon that congratulated you about being put into the Zionist blocklist I seen lots of people in the post reblogs misinterpret my joke, even going as far as calling me uneducated and a Nazi… I’m Zionist myself, Jewish and Israeli too… I don’t really remember who made it, it was circulating in my friend groups. They were all talking about “why I’m not here?? The disrespect” it was then I decided to check it and seen your blog, I admire your blog and the dedication you put into it and your posts are very well informed. And seeing as it the new raising joke around jumblr about not being put into the Zionist blocklists (most of it is follow up lists for me at least) I thought people would understand it was a joke… 😔 But anyway, congratulations again and I hope pro pal won’t bother you too much because of it. Everyone that reading this remember to stay hydrated it’s so hot those days and it’s important to drink water, considering it’s summer soon and the heat is raising to dangerous levels in some places.

I wouldn't worry, I think most people got the joke, and asked to be put on a Zionist blocklist, too. ;) I def got it, so I'm sending you a big hug, and I hope you're doing good! (I think probably the only exception meant to fume at the person who originally made the blocklist, not at you. That list maker, whoever they are, IS a coward for not even attaching their name to a list targeting so many by theirs, and deserves to be called out on their antisemitism)

Thank you so much for telling me I'm on there, it def feels like an honorary list to be on. XD And even more so, thank you for the kind words about my blog. It means a lot, especially as it's becoming physically harder for me to sit by the computer, to write posts and reply to asks...

Also, absolutely yes to the hydration part, and I kinda love that in Israel, we're taught to constantly drink whatever, even if we don't feel the need to, from a very young age. I find that's very healthy, and is especially helpful as global temperatures rise. I hope you're doing well, and staying hydrated, too! xoxox

Congratulations on making it on the Zionist blocklist!

Hope you have a good day and don’t forget to drink lots of water and stay hydrated!

Oh, Nonnie... I'm afraid you'd have to be a bit more specific than that. There are so many antisemites making anti-Jewish blocklists under the guise of anti-Zionism, which one did I make this time?

In any case, thank you! I'm very happy to be recognized as a Jew who actually stands up for Jewish people, and therefore is "evil" and "must be blocked" rather than be heard and maybe, God forbid, inspire some compassion and kindness towards Jews, no matter where...

Have a good day, and take care, too! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[hollyand-writes]

Hope this doesn’t come off as overstepping but I saw that blocklist in the tags when it was posted and it immediately gave me bad vibes that someone would even post something like that. I only recently started being active in the DA fandom after 5+ years because of all the needless drama and bullying so… just wanted to send this and some support, also your carver/merrill posts are really cute.

Hey there! Ahhhhhh, you're not overstepping at all – thanks so much for sending me this very kind message and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to it! ❤️  And yeah, I gotta admit – out of all the fandom Discord servers I’ve joined, none of them have a channel called #blocklist full of names to warn server members about, or even a list written out like that.  

And that’s even before you get onto the fact that most of the names on those lists (the ones I know of, anyway) have not done or said the things they’ve been accused of. In fact, many of those on that blocklist under “The Mess” subheading (and some of us on that list, like me, are POC ourselves) who have been accused of “targeting POC with harassment for calling out racism in the Dragon Age fandom” were targeted ourselves with harassment (AND racism!) by the perpetrators of a callout post that called out a bunch of popular fandom creators for being “racist”.... and when questioned further about what these creators did that was so racist, the answer was.... those creators wrote and drew popular sexual Cullen content???

Some of the sexual Cullen content was so mild I’m not even sure I’d call it sexual Cullen content. More like romantic Cullen content. Romantic content with the whitest straight man in the Dragon Age franchise (no shade to anyone who romanced him, even if he’s very much not my thing). One person was called out as racist for.... drawing her Cullen-mancing Lavellan with a low-cut blouse, which the callouters said was “hypersexualising WOC” even though she was barely showing any cleavage. Another person who was called out was a pale-skinned WOC who drew a Cullen-mancing Lavellan based on herself, and was called racist for making her Lavellan pale-skinned like herself?!?!? Their crime wasn’t that they were racist – their crime was that they were popular and well-liked Cullen creators... and the people behind the callout (also Cullen creators) wanted to drive them out of the fandom because of it. 

They collectively had a meltdown when screenshots were leaked from their private Discord server showing them admitting to sending us anon hate, planning how to lie about it to us (and each other!) and attempting to “strategise” (LOL) when their callout was blowing up in their faces. Many of the original perpetrators are still around, but under new Tumblr URLs so that they can hide their former shitty identities (but of course, they’ve not really changed as people). 

And that was what the fandom wank known as “The Mess” was all about, back in August 2020. @weird-in-thedas and @visceralcoma have the receipts, and debunked the entire callout with evidence of these people’s lies, spite and jealousy. At the time, The Mess blew up so big that people outside the Dragon Age fandom came to gawp at it – it got discussed a lot on the fail-fandomanon comm and even made it onto Reddit 😅  but even then, I didn’t think we’d still be talking about it in 2022. But here we are! 🤷🏾‍♀️ 

So, yeah. You were right to get bad vibes from such a list. Some of the people on that Discord blocklist were on the original callout post, some of the people (like me) were somehow dragged into the fray (receiving abuse and even racist remarks from the callout perpetrators simply for saying “hey I know these people, I’d like to know how they’ve supposedly been racist”), and some of the people on the blocklist were never even involved in “The Mess”. Not to mention that one person accused on that blocklist of shipping incest definitely doesn’t, and another was last on Tumblr three years ago (and hasn’t been in DA fandom for nearly 10 years anyway). 

There’s definitely a lot of needless drama and bullying in this fandom, as well as callout posts made on false pretences, and has been for the 8 years I’ve been in it – but I’m glad you’re now active in it after 5+ years: I promise you there’s lots of good and decent people in the fandom; they’re often quieter and harder to find than the more wanky and/or drama-mongering ones. But they’re there, I promise. ❤️ 

On a happier topic – thank you SO MUCH for your support and especially for your kind words about my Carver/Merrill content! 😁  I love them – they’re my favourite Dragon Age ship (my OTP, actually, LOL) and I am forever sad that Bioware planned to get them together if you didn’t romance Merrill, and then denied us by cancelling the third Dragon Age 2 DLC where they’d have got together 😭  which is why I write all the fanfic and commission all the fanart, LOL. I honestly could rant for ever about why I love them and think they’re perfect for each other, but I think this post is long enough 😂  so perhaps that’s one for another post. 

But anyway. Thank you so much for your lovely ask, and thank you for reading my long-arse reply LOL – and I hope you have a great day! ❤️ 

[transmechanicus]

i am canonically stupid

Love being repeatedly tormented by impossibly blissful dreams of my high school ex for literal days until in a moment of weakness i look up their blog on here. Not healthy to begin with but not really healed by discovering that they’re still being a complete freak and if i’m reading this correctly they’re getting called out for faking DID and literal actual pedophilia so uhhhhhh. I gotta process that. Maybe throw up my soul and rinse it under some hot water. Like this is a great decapitation of my desire to reconcile with them but mom holy fuck i’m revolted to my core. I literally logged on like “Wow that dream was really emotionally difficult maybe something’s trying to get me to reach out” and then got hit by the arguably foreseeable freight train of bullshit they swim in. Literal same behavior and ass jackery that made us breakup but worse bc it’s been 5 years and there’s like Negative growth, like holy shit. How did i forget this part? Who put these rose colored ass glasses on me? Fuck that, this mf is every bit the manipulative parasite i ripped myself away from may the dark gods swallow his soul.

to anyone reading this who wants to add to their blocklist, the blog is “rakhma” or maybe “rakma” idk i’m not looking again, i found it via the name “shiijose” and clicking the blog that was tagged as it previously. this isn’t a callout bc most of the blog is private (red flag tbh) or im blocked (or both) but the Top Posts tell a story i am reviled to have read. i do not advise looking into them if you have issues with the concept of p*dophilia or gr*oming from the looks of things. I can’t see post dates so here’s to hoping the last one was 2020 and the plague god killed their ass painfully. I think i need to purge cry a lil bit.

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[ingravinoveritas]

Ok that was saltier than necessary. But when you're an old-as-balls gay then everything is political. Surely you can see that rpf is distasteful to the vast majority of folk anyway?! Putting it under a cut is a matter of courtesy. I still had to scroll to the bottom in order to block your tags. If I had to go blocking every _fandom name_rpf tag it would take forever. rpf alone is good enough but I guess you won't use it because of my shitty tone *sad trombone*

Also your sexuality doesn't matter here whatever it is, because you're still not a gay man, and don't know what it's like. And I mean that as neutral a statement as possible.Flicking your bean to slash rpf doesn't make you a gay ally. Sorry. Do what you like and be happy, but don't try and pretend that this is progressive. I don't wish you ill, it's just frustrating to being able to avoid seeing mlm being fetishised. Take care x (2/3)

Okay okay I checked my blocklist and I'm a fucking idiot. I am guilty of being an technological idiot. But I stand by everything else I said abt mlm rights and using cuts etc 100%. But we'll get nowhere on that I think. Enjoy your slash rpf I guess. c ya. (3/3)

There are so many things I want to say to this, Anon. So many thoughts I had as I read your messages, emotions ranging from revulsion to disgust to just plain sadness. I will start by saying that you’re right about one thing. I am not a gay man. I am many different things, and a gay man is not one of them, that much is true. So I won’t sit here and tell you that I have so many gay friends and what a great ally that makes me, because that’s just tired, and it doesn’t prove a damn thing.

What I will tell you is that I am someone who is on the autism spectrum.

I am someone who knows what it’s like to be different, and to be hated and rejected for something that is a part of who you are. Something that you can’t change, even when you go to bed every night praying like hell to wake up as someone else--anyone else--in the morning, because growing up all I wanted was to be dead instead of being who I was.

I know that feeling very well, and I have found a tremendous amount of friendship in the gay community as a result, friendships with some of the kindest and most wonderful people I have ever known. People that I treasure and cherish and would fight for any fucking day of the week, even when I sometimes barely have enough strength to fight my own battles. I don’t know where exactly that puts me on the ally spectrum, but I also won’t sit here and be accused of not caring about the people I love.

I’m also not sure where you get off claiming that I’m pretending to be progressive. I do not write RPF out of some misguided belief that it makes me enlightened or advanced about LGTBQIA rights. Nor do I write it to fetishise gay men, because I don’t write it because Michael and David are gay...I write it because they’re them. If all I wanted was to see two men fucking, I could watch gay porn and be done with it. Right? Easy-peasy. But what captivates and fascinates and inspires me is relationships. The dynamic between two people, the chemistry, how they interact with each other. Hell, I actively avoided shipping Michael and David when I first got into GO last year, until the Great “He’s My Lover” Incident of June 2019 occurred, followed by the Press Tour of Endless Mouth Staring, and then it was all downhill from there.

But I can understand RPF not being everyone’s cup of tea, Anon. I can understand folks not wanting to read it (even if the majority of responses to my fic have all been pretty positive) and wanting those posts to be tagged as such, so if I failed to do that or didn’t put it behind a cut, then that is on me.

What I cannot understand, however, is you nearly torpedoing any valid points you set out to make by coming at me with some seriously misogynistic language and a clear dislike for women behind it. “Flicking your bean”? I realize that you are not inclined to see the appeal of female masturbation, Anon, but your disdain is more than palpable.

Your phrasing also reduces my arousal and why the thought of Michael and David together turns me on to something completely base and simple...when in reality it’s anything but. So, yeah...I have a bit of a problem with that, and while I know you said that you don’t wish me ill, surely you can see how language like that is insulting at best, and at worst, downright dehumanizing.

I truly am sorry for your frustration and what you have been through, Anon, but that does not give you the right to take it out on me. I just hope one day you’ll be able to find some peace and better outlets for your anger than fanfic writers on Tumblr.

[charissekenion]

What systemic racism in the British beauty industry looks like

Remember when Black Lives Matter content filled up the feeds of your preferred social platform? While the message still burdens many within the black community — as well as some allies — on a daily basis, for many it is business as usual; even one of my regular online beauty go-to’s has that in their homepage banner. I’m sure it’s more about things being back to ‘some kind’ of normal post-Covid, but who knows? To me, it seems like everyone is tired and weary of the triggering message of BLM and I believe that’s a sign that, if systems are not changed, things are likely to return to what they used to be, the word diversitybecoming one of those words people say out loud while using air quotes. I’ve already written about my own personal experience as a mixed/black woman in the beauty world, but I wanted to try and tackle the systems within the beauty industry. If I’ve missed anything, let me know!

Brands/Agencies Throughout the early days of BLM, brands and agencies around the globe paid close attention to where their ads were appearing. It wasn’t a moral stance however; brands had learned that ads placed near George Floyd or protest-related content, monetized at 57%* lower than other news content. The investment simply wasn’t worth it and words/phrases such as Black Lives Matter, George Floyd, Minneapolis and Black people were put on industry blocklists. While blocklists surely began as a way for the industry to ensure it wasn’t placing insensitive ads, in 2020 brands are using them purely because of the bottom line; revenue.

For me, the brands that have stood out during BLM are the ones that are more thoughtful in how they can help, long-term. Praise was given to Emily Weiss of Glossier for starting a grant for black-owned beauty businesses. Another stand-out show of support came from Caroline Hirons, a brand in her own right.

Hirons is known as the queen of skincare amongst the UK press — and she knows that is a very white press. She took a few days to get her ‘ducks in a row’, early on when BLM was being heavily supported, ensuring her donations were able to have Gift Aid applied (more of the cash actually going to the organisation), before announcing that she would be giving 100 percent of the 2020 proceeds from her best-selling Double Cleanse with Pixi to Black Lives Matter. Pixi duly matched her donation.

But for every positive there were several embarrassing examples of how notto do it. I don’t have the time or energy to give a comprehensive list of just how many brands got it so wrong during the days that followed #blackouttuesday for instance.

I’m not about forcing anyone to do anything, because if you don’t care, why would I want your help? For me the blame lays with brands who have the means to send out the right messages on the daily via social and in the media. It wasn’t just about calling out RMS Beauty on their Instagram for hiring such an insensitive social media manager. It was more about checking out the feeds of Maybelline, Chanel Beauty, etc, etc, and seeing if they had ever shown diversity in their campaigns. The results were lacklustre to say the least, but, if there was one truly classic example of what not to do, the medal would go to Marcia Kilgore (founder of Beauty Pie, Fit Flop, Bliss). I’ve been a diehard fan of Kilgore and her work ethic for years and I’ve lost count of how many interviews I’ve listened to of Kilgore sharing her business journey.

But throughout BLM I’ve seen some shockers coming from (seemingly) Kilgore’s own hand. I’ve been sent screenshots of comments on Instagram (later deleted) including one that shows Kilgore using the shrugs emoji. One of Beauty Pie’s diehard (white) fans just didn’t get why Beauty Pie was receiving negative feedback after not standing up soon enough or strongly enough for BLM. Kilgore replied to her fan with the shrug — she might as well have said: ‘gee, we just can’t seem to please these people.’

The Influencer Whether you love influencer culture or not, it’s clear that, for now, it’s here to stay. Mostly dominated by (white) women, with some being worth over £4million here in the UK, whatever their chosen area of specialisation, there seems to be a very cookie-cutter approach as to what and who’s adored and accepted. Look at wellness, look at fashion, and of course, beauty, and you’ll find that the popular accounts are usually owned by very blonde, very slim women. Life is just one long Instagram Story compiled of working out in Lululemon, wearing makeup from an expensive brand that’s never looked past 10 shades, sipping an iced green tea and getting your wedding paid for by your clever agency rep who’s reached out to countless companies that are guaranteed to find you so palatable and on-brand.

Now, I am not coming for these women; these women can exist alongside the women that I choose to follow — the women that can and do in fact influence me and how I purchase, whether they get paid or not. And there’s the rub. Brands have been making tons of excess profits from women of colour who just love that brand — essentially unpaid micro influencers.

As a self-confessed beauty addict, I know the allure of the ‘next big thing’. I know how it is when you feel, or felt, that that brand actually understood you. When that new shiny purchase arrives from the likes of Glossier, you’re like, ‘hey friend’, and off you go, sharing your unboxing for your fellow beauty enthusiasts to swoon over in the comments.

Like I said, many true beauty influencers are micro influencers, doing their thing purely for the love, and not a pay check, but that’s in sharp contrast to those who are actually paid to do so. These paid influencers put in the work, styling their stories to appeal to their audience and also the audience of the brand that’s paying them.

One such influencer, someone I’ve been following a while as I enjoyed her fresh aesthetic, is also a PR. To be fair to her, I’d become so used to seeing her bounce across fields of tulips and daisies, that I wasn’t expecting anything from her when it came to ‘real life’. However, I did happen to see her Instagram Stories late one night, where she ‘appeared’ to be crying about BLM. I say appeared because honestly, I’ve seen better performances at my nephew’s nativity play. I even recorded the crying just to check I wasn’t being too dismissive.

The next day I saw that she’d finally posted an image she’d found elsewhere (i.e. not spent time creating) and given information on how to donate and research. It all seemed very rushed and frankly, I imagine that zero attention was given to the words. I wondered if she’d been pressured to post, and apparently she had been, after being tagged in a post that prompted people to call out influencers and brands who weren’t stepping up.

She dutifully posted a black square when it was ‘expected’ of her on #blackouttuesday — which she has since deleted.

On top of that, behind the scenes she was contacting various bloggers — I can’t confirm race ratios. She sent DMs that did not address the individual, did not ask the person how they were doing at this truly tiring and stressful time. Instead she asked if they were supporting black-owned brands (she asked this of a mixed-race woman who identified as black and had been posting tons of information on her Stories…) Clueless, lazy — or worse?

She mentions in the DM that one of her clients is a black-owned business and asks if the blogger might be interested in talking about it. The following day I kept wondering, ‘okay, if you’re so supportive, why not post about this black-owned brand on your own feed?’ Or, how about you offer your services to black-owned businesses at a reduced rate? Not because you should, but because, after all, you are performing as if you care.

**Dominique, a black, London-based PR shared her thoughts on how her frequent social media support of a beauty brand (self-created and not paid for, purely because she wanted to), soon started to feel as if she was being treated as a token when she was shown as the only black face in the company’s newsletter. She also tells me of a black influencer in the UK who had been promised payment for several pieces of promo work and yet had gone unpaid and ignored. It wasn’t until her loyal followers bombarded the brand’s social media platforms that the brand paid her, in full, with no argument, or apology.

“It’s so intrinsic, and so embedded,” says Dominique. “Whether it’s content creation or Instagram — which is the first port of call for every business — it’s also the tech, it’s the algorithms used. It’s the influencers, it’s the appropriation, it’s the fact that black influencers aren’t on PR lists, and aren’t being paid the same rates.”

Dominique also talks of the pressure of ‘black guilt’ that black influencers and creators can feel: “You kind of hope and root for the brands that you spend your money on, that you will see a change. And then also, you kind of assimilate in your feed to try and see if that’s gonna help you build a following. I’ve done it. Black people have learned to compartmentalise to survive and it comes down to assimilating and trying not to broadcast your blackness.”

The PR I think, in some ways, the power of the beauty industry PRs often goes unnoticed. These are people who are in the business of carving out a niche for a brand, making it the ‘next big thing’; they advise clients on everything, from tone of voice to the right faces to use in an ad campaign to which influencers to send product to, and which influencers to offer lucrative ambassadorships to.

As most UK PR firms are owned by white men and women, it’s easy to see why inclusivity might not even enter their heads. Why would it? Let’s not forget, for decades the ideal beauty has been that of a very Eurocentric look. PR firms, alongside the rest of the industry, play their part in affirming this beauty standard — it isn’t their job to actually change it. But with more and more voices calling for change, and in the era of cancel culture, PRs are likely to be forced into taking a more active role.

For example, the labeling of BLM being a political rather than human issue by the head of CrossFit was clearly a PR nightmare of huge proportions, and no-one in the multi-billion dollar beauty industry wants that to happen to them. As a recent article on the Business of Fashion stated; too often public relations execs go along with what their client wants, and if ever they do try to steer the client in another direction they are often left unsupported or removed from the account completely.

The Magazines As someone who’s been a hair and beauty editor and writer for 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of trends come and go. But one trend that remains the same is that of the ‘spot the black journo in the room’. While things may be slightly more progressive in the US, here in the UK I can say that I have never seen more than three black or non-white journalists at a press event at the same time. And don’t get me started on the staff within the publications themselves.

I remember when former British Vogue editor-in-chief Alexandra Shulman shared an image of her team in celebration of her last issue in 2017 — with not one black or brown face. I had long stopped my subscription to British Vogue, but when her replacement, Edward Enninful arrived, the man who had inspired me for years during his time at i-D magazine, I bought each issue with renewed excitement; oh how things would change!

But Enninful is one black man. And when Enninful himself is racially profiled while entering the doors of Conde Nast, you know that the problem goes way deeper. Add to that the fact that Vogue is still going to have to bow to its advertisers — the brands that keep it in print. It’s not us with our £2 ‘special price’ purchases that are keeping Vogue and others like it alive.

Elsewhere on Instagram, former Glamour editor Jo Elvin was bemoaning the fact that it wasn’t always the editor’s fault that there were no black models on the cover. Elvin said that black models often declined being on the cover (am guessing maybe it was because it was a pretty crap magazine back then?) because they ‘thought it would hurt their chances of getting covers with the high-end mags’.

And what is wrong with that? It’s far tougher for a black woman to get a Vogue cover, so if that’s that model’s goal, what’s it to Elvin and her crew? Perhaps they could seek out an unknown, rather than relying on the top three black faces over and over? Thankfully, Elvin was prompted to elaborate on her flippant comments, by none other than the aforementioned Caroline Hirons. Hirons ended by telling Elvin that the numbers don’t add up, and that bias is ‘systemic in Conde.’

I remember once going for a meeting with an online brand I avidly read. Naturally I was excited and flattered to be told: ‘you look so [insert brand name here]!’ as if I had just earned a special badge. Aside from the flattery, it really meant a lot to me and I was genuinely excited at the opportunity to write and shoot for them. I left the building buzzing, but over the coming weeks, my numerous pitches seemed to fall on deaf ears. ‘Hmm, she’s probably really, really, busy,’ I told myself.

Weeks later I noticed a new name on their writer roster and wondered if the fact that she was also mixed race was something to do with it; perhaps two was one too many? I think this is something we see and fear in many industries, but especially within fashion and beauty. While a non-black editor might enjoy being seen as the progressive one, he or she might also be nervous of ‘opening the gates’ and only employing non-white people! I’ve heard this from several black and brown people in the industry also. Once you get that role, you want to keep it both for career and financial reasons.

It’s clear that, across the board, work needs to be done, and we also need the work that is supposedly being done, to continue. It makes me nervous to see brands jumping on the Diversity Officer job role, while only offering six-month contracts. Does this mean that they hope BLM will just go away and people will just stop expecting their voices to be heard and their rights acknowledged? Are we all just so nostalgic over what normal used to be that we’d rather enter another year with blinders on?

It’s okay to admit that you’re completely unprepared for this fight. If you’ve never had to care about this fight, I get that. But whether you chose to use #blackouttuesday to gain some new fans, or you actually wanted to begin making lasting change, it’s clear, it’s going to take a lot more than a black square followed by vague epithets. Show the work; talk to your audience. Literally no-one can claim to be perfect right now, but if you want to build an anti-racist brand, take the steps, because we are all watching.

*Statistic taken from this NPR article: https://www.npr.org/2020/06/27/884213471/why-advertisers-wont-run-ads-on-black-lives-matter-content?t=1597134345822

** Name has been changed

Image: Photo by Hazel Olayres on Unsplash

This article also appears on Medium

[bungou-stray-controversy]

You know it's frustrating cause there are a lot of AU's in this fandom that are really cool but people either try to pass them off as canon or their so closely associated with certain ships that you risk getting hate if you use them for something that's not that ship. And then you've got the theories that don't make sense in canon but would make great AU's but people try to pass them off as canon.

Let’s take this apart piece by piece, shall we? Because you mention a lot of interesting things and problems here, anon, so it’s better to take a look at them separately.

AU’s are amazing, first and foremost, and if anyone wants to make any sort of AU, then that’s great. Though we have to admit none of us is really a big fan of reading them, especially if we don’t get the motivations/reasoning behind them. We like fanarts of them better because it takes less time to check them out and it leaves a lot to our own fantasy, rather than shoving the author’s fantasy down our throats too much. But with that being said, writing is amazing and if there’s a promising AU, we’ll read the hell out of it! But to not stray from the topic at hand, yes, AU’s are cool. But it’s important to remember what does it actually stand for.

Alternate Universe isn’t a hard thing to understand. It means wherever this is happening, it’s not real and it’s not canon. People who openly claim the same thing as AU and canon may just be a little on the more stupid side... or plain ignorant and dumb, whichever one you’d preffer to call them. Alternate, by definition, means another, different, not the original.

As for ship-centered AU’s, I think it mostly depends on what the “something that’s not the ship” actually is. If you take a look at something completely unrelated to the central ship and you get hate for it, then the people hating you are really just close-minded assholes. But if the problem is you taking the main ship, the thing the whole AU is built around, and turning it on its head to create a different ship or pretend the central ship doesn’t exist, you’re practically asking for trouble. Not saying it’s right, that stuff is still fictional, but it’s also rude from you to do such a thing. If an AU was crafted for a specific ship and you refuse to respect that, you’re the initiator of the problem. Then again, we sincerely hope our followers wouldn’t do such a thing.

And then the theories. Wrong theories tend to happen most commonly when the author has limited and/or incomplete knowledge of all the canon facts. If someone’s theory is wrong on the basis of “the canon already disproved that”, it would be nice to mention it to the author with respect and tact. If they refuse to listen, well, you’ve done what you could. But there’s a huge chance they’ll actually listen and change their mind. We mean, not even the BSD fandom is crazy enough to go directly against canon fully knowing it, haha, right?

Right?

Ok, then we get to the second group of people, who just don’t care. Their theory is the only thing that matters and they don’t want no canon “spoiling” their “genius” deductions. And as for these, blocklists exist for a reason and you’re free to use them. It’s better than trying to reason with them. It’s just a matter of time before you get labeled something nasty for having a different hc, ship or arguing for the canon.

[jjbablocklistcallouts]

The Blocklist: A essay (this is very long)

I know everyones sick of it at this point but I got shit to say so feel free to not read this absolute unit of a poorly written essay. The jjbablocklist divided their list into two different list now. One for creators and one for consumers/rebloggers and I cannot stress enough about how dumb that is since it shouldve been done since the beggining. Also, following alot of these artist and “consumers” of these medias, I noticed some of them are falsely accused, others while being minors. here’s why:

1. A lot of teens and young adults in the community like ships like GioMis, FuMis, NaraGio, MisTrish and plenty more and I know your singular shared braincell cannot handle the idea of 2-3 year age gaps not being pedophilia, but uh, newsflash for ya, THEY AINT. Legally, it is not a crime and that in america where the age of consent is 18, not in Italy where its 15 and not in Japan where its even less. Under the general United States Law, which is where I assume the list makers/defenders are mostly from, these ships are not classified as pedophilia or should be problematic and the ages of consent change to lower ages depending on state. The only way you can add these shippers for their “crimes” is if they promoted or created the interactions of these characters in a sexual or intimate manner whether they are aged up or not, which is still wack if their age is above that of the age of consent in writing/art and the fact that minors, in this case teenagers with the VA cast, are allowed to express themselves with people of their own age group in a sexual manner, real life kids do it all the time amongst themselves so why shouldnt people be able to create it, the whole ordeal is ridiculous imo BUT I can see how it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, a lot of it makes me uncomfortable too so we gotta make compromises somehow so absolutely no lewding the mafia lolis/ jojo lolis in general and if you do, tag it properly so it doesnt spread onto the basic hastags of characters and the show. If you dont you on the list.

2. Claim genderswapping/r63 is transphobic all you want but until I see clear and definitive proof of it being purposely made for that purpose then it’s absolutely ok. If someone makes it to offend someone then its wrong and they should be called out for it (which has never been the case in this fanbase as far as I cant tell) It’s creative, it allows people create new desings for characters or adjust current ones for cosplayers or other artist. Im sure one of your mods can relate, since the do the exact same thing as we do while not addressing a certaint character properly by their canon pronouns. Genderbending does not promote the attack or harrasement of the trans community and that is a fact unless its done by actual problematic artist like Sh*dbase and others, which is still a stretch because I dont think they’ve done it to target people or make fun of them but they are the popular problem icons. So get the actual transphobes on the list, aka those who created the content specifically to harras a specific person, or remove the catergory entirely. Its unnecessary and hypocritical.

— The rest of these are just things that bother a lot of people in the community so if you only cared about minors being on the list then you dont have to continue reading. —

Tumblr is infamously known to be a shitshow of a site where all you can find is problematic content. If you dont like this kind of content, why the hell are you here in the first place? There’s a lot of safer websites to use where like instagram, twitter, amino, facebook, and more. They have actual filters unlike tumblr and finding content you dont like is a lot harder unless you are purposefully looking for it, and even then it could be a challenge due to shadow bans or privatized accounts. Tumblr has none of that, everyone knows it, all of those who dont like it try to stay away from it or use it very scarcely. Why do you think that most of these “problematic” artist/creators/consumers are here? Tumblr has always been its own weird realm, trying to make it anything else goes against what it stand for.

You’re crimes make are literal nonsense sometimes because you include such obvious personal attacks like “Made a literal essay defending GioMis” and “All kinds of awful stuff” as crimes. You added a few account because they message you about how ridiculous the whole ordeal is and you take to findind the slightest bit of “evidence” that can aid you into making them look bad. You know thats not a good reason right?? Even if it were, yall are even more guilty for committing acts of Liable and Defamation and you are choosing to for those you incorrectly put on the list, invluding the minors! Let alone hypocrisy but yall are tired of hearing that one.

Dont add other fandoms into this mess. The Hetalia fandom has been dead for more than 5 years and it aint none of your buisness. It has nothing to do with Jojo. Unless you plan on making more blocklist for ALL fandoms then, goodluck, though make em better.

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure is a wonderful and yet problematic series, guess who’s fault it is... its Araki’s. Created a hilarious nazi character, nah its the fanbases fault for roleplaying such a funny character. Pedophilia and rape represented in Jojo and not treated seriously, nah its the fandoms fault for romanticizing it. Homophobia as character traits and degradation of women in Jojo, pfft nah f a n d o m s f a u l t for painting such “false” representations of the characters. Ah, but yall wont drop Jojo cuz that kid your trying to control media for wont drop it either. It is not your responsibility to create a childproof community when the show already has heavy themes. Its their caretakers/parents or the childs own responsibility.

I despise the argument “well Jojo is a 17+ only show so no kids allowed!” you might be right, but has that really ever stopped kids from doing anything?? It does the opposite, it creates a sense of overwhelming curiosity which leads to venturing unkown territory which they may or may not end up enjoying. The problem lies wether young teens are mature enough to watch it or not and judging by this whole fiasco, alot of the people, teens and adults, involved are not.

YOU ARE NOT JUDGE JURY AND EXECUTIONER AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO POLICE A MEDIA YOU DO NOT OWN OR TAKE RESPONSIBILITY INTO DOING IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE

I will give you this guys this, theres a few artist and creators that do belong there, very few as far as I could see and read into and some are missing since they are mostly on twitter instead of tumblr. But hey, I managed to find like 12 accounts that I probably wouldn’t like seeing the content of, and I found a lot of good accounts too. A hell of a lot more.

I know Im harsh and a total loser but y’all really gotta do some damage control and think ahead. Merely ignoring the fact that your movement cause a floodwave of hatred, deaththreats and suicide baiting is disgusting, adress it properly, dont condone it. Cuz Im yall wouldnt like 200+ messages of “Kill yourself you of lowlife degenerate. I dont like your the disgusting trash you like so I hope you rot in hell for the rest of your life” It isnt fun, a lot of people have received these, some are even worse and a lot dont even deserve it.

Run the list correctly, its a good idea, it could’ve been handled way better than this and you guys know it. This would’ve been great for 14 year old me not stumbling onto a lot of problematic ships when I first looked up Jojo and it can help many children in the community in the future, but you are ruiling out a majority of the fanbase with such vague and pointless rules as regular shipping and creative freedom. You are demonizing people who like basic shipping and different character desings, and that’ll scare them because they dont want tobe hated for something they like. Because a few biased opinions decided to rule out that what the kids liked is morally wrong and irredeemable. Cuz thats all I can see on the list with the exception of maybe a 12 people on the list. Thats all the rest of the JJBA community sees.

[kidhearts]

ok what do you think coexistence means..? we exist in at the same time? peacefully? the last actual cglre/chire drama/fighting i actually remember was the mess of the camp and stuff? did i miss something else...? just bc we dont want to be around cglre doesnt mean we arent coexisting? i mean what does it mean to you? are there chirebs going after cglre blogs that i just haven't heard of? I'm just confused abt this whole thing and your use of this word idk

I don't really mean anything about drama! Chire and cglre have gotten along just fine in recent months, and we do exist peaceful and separately. However, there are a lot of chire folks that are just tired of the strict dni keeping. If you saw a cglre blog and a chire blog beside each other, most times you wouldnt be able to tell which is which! Cglre is primarily made up of minors who regress to cope, and honestly? On my personal agere blog I've never had any sort of issue with my dni being broken or creeps interacting or messaging me, or anything like that.

Kidhearts tried this before, in the beginning. But there were a lot of reasons it didn't work. It really couldn't have worked. But times are different now, and the circumstances have changed drastically. Many chire folks just want to be free to pick who they want to interact with, and they don't want to keep pushing away other regressors who are just like them. The terms we use shouldn't divide us other than for safety. Kink terms should be avoided and never allowed, for sure. But terms like cglre and nsre and such? They're not kink related. And if anyone does crosstag with kink, they get put on a blocklist, just like they would here. I honestly got more disturbing interaction as chire then i did when i switched over, which is really crazy considering there are so many more active cglre blogs. We all just want to regress in peace without worrying about fuzzy lines between words, that's all. Lots of us are mentally ill and dont have the energy to keep such an insanely strict dni.

All of that aside, there are still people who have bad experiences, just like with anything anything else. They deserve protection too, and they should still get to have their dni the way they need it without being kicked out of the community that they are comfortable with. That's why we want members to have the freedom to choose what they believe is right for them. Sorry if this has been long or confusing, i hope that makes sense! If you still have questions feel free to send them in or message me for clarification. 💖

[boyfriem-moved]

the foxhole court bad

(aka the eden’s twilight chapter is gross, the thanksgiving chapter is also gross, andriel is an abusive ship, and nicky and andrew are two terrible people being terrible to each other, a passionate essay by a dude who’s real sick and tired of this garbage)

I was gonna try to reread the whole series so I could factually and definitively prove that tfc sucks once and for all but after 2 chapters I concluded that reading it again was killing my last 3 brain cells, so I stuck with rereading the worst two chapters and gathering a few other moments I thought were noteworthy, and we’re just gonna have to go from there. I’m gonna discuss a bunch of stuff so I’m putting the entire meta under the cut. Also! If you have no idea what tfc is and follow me for other reasons but are intrigued by my hatred I doubt you could get through this whole thing without being bored. I’ve made a couple short posts saying what’s wrong with tfc, most recently this one here, which you could read instead of this long ass mess. 

If you know nothing about tfc and still wanna read, trigger warning for mentions of drug abuse, rape, physical abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, sexual abuse (both of children and adults... well of one adult who was once a child), actually. all abuse. just. don’t read if you’re triggered by any general categories of abuse

You still here? So sorry about that. Now let’s get going! 

I can’t deny that there’s some sort of appeal to tfc. “Sports team for fucked up weirdos” is an interesting concept and one that can draw you in, if it’s done well. But Nora Sakavic thrives on shock value and can’t write to save her life, so it’s not done well. It’s done very, very badly. Now I’m not here to complain about the terrible writing (even though I could, believe me). I’m here to complain about how Nora writes like she gets into tumblr discourse with teenagers and makes anti blocklists. So we’ll just go in chronological order, because I think it makes the most sense that way. 

Eden’s Twilight

Up until the Eden’s Twilight chapter, the bad parts are more or less excusable. Andrew is...being Andrew, but the book has just begun, and as long as he doesn’t get any worse he’s bound to have some character development soon (which ha funny joke but we’re hopeful, the night’s still young). Nicky is likable and seemingly the good guy who’s said maybe a couple iffy things, Aaron isn’t noteworthy (and boy does he stay that way), and we haven’t seen much of Kevin’s “fun alcoholism” yet. 

And then there’s Eden’s Twilight.  The setup to the chapter has a couple interesting moments, most notably Nicky pushing Neil to take out his contacts despite the knowledge that it makes him deeply uncomfortable because everyone just bends to the fucking whim of Andrew apparently (a running theme that I’ll get to later) and a gross bit of setup where Nicky comes onto Neil and Andrew threatens to kill him. 

“...his happy expression faltered when he got a good look at Neil. “Oh man. Neil, you clean up good. Can I say that, or is that against the rules? Just--damn. Aaron, don’t let me get too drunk tonight.” (tfc pg 129)

(Nicky is an adult with a fiancee who he allegedly loves. Neil is 18. Just in case anyone’s forgotten.)

Then they go and buy some drugs! Nora shows a worrying misunderstanding of how drug withdrawal works (Nora do even one ounce of research for your shitty book please ma’am I’m begging you) and they buy some drugs with vague side effects (I have no idea if the stuff they take is based off real world drugs and I’d rather not find out) in a scene that seems unrealistic but I couldn’t tell you for sure (never bought drugs. not about to ask the people in my life who have.). They buy their drugs, Andrew takes some drugs, Nora continues to know nothing about withdrawal, they go to a nightclub! The night is still young!

And now comes the big problem area. 

Their nightclub adventures begin with a complicit bartender who says, “Back so soon, Andrew? Who’s your newest victim?” (tfc pg 133). On a later page it’s established that the bartender was spiking Neil’s drinks and fully aware of everything the siblings planned to do (as is routine with them? apparently?) so. Fun guy. 

They do some drugs, drink some alcohol. Neil refuses to do both. Andrew and Nicky are adamant about him doing drugs with them, but he refuses, so they concede. 

“Drink with us if you won’t dust with us,” Nicky said, holding his open packet in one hand and his shot in the other. 

And Neil does. Because there’s no reason not to, really. Andrew’s gang accepted it when he said he didn’t drink. They’ve so far not forced him to do anything he doesn’t want to. He watched the bartender pour his drink. He has no reason to suspect he won’t be fine. 

So, of course, his drink is drugged, and Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky hold him down as he tries to run away. The twins force him onto the dance floor, then leave him with Nicky, reigning defender for World’s Most Predatory Man. 

“Bodies and lights blurred around him, making Neil nauseous. He clawed bloody lines down Nicky’s arm as he fought to get free. Nicky didn’t let go until they’d reached the middle of the dance floor. He pulled Neil up against him and caught Neil’s chin in his fingers to force his head back.  Nicky’s kiss was harder than Neil expected it to be, and there was more than just tongue in it. Beneath the burn of vodka Nicky shared with him was the sweet tang of cracker dust. Neil didn’t mean to swallow, but it hurt too much to hold it in his mouth.  “This is how the game goes,” Nicky said against his lips. “Stop fighting if you want to survive.” (tfc pg 136)

Nicky is a good guy of the story. Not only that, he’s a fan favorite character. This isn’t even a chapter people gloss over to glorify their faves, either. People often point to this chapter and the surrounding scenes as one of the series’ most iconic moments. Neil’s night ends with him paying a bartender to knock him unconscious to put an end to the drugged abuse, which can be found near the top of pretty much everyone’s “top ten iconic Neil Josten moments” lists.  This scene is fucking disgusting. He’s forcefully assaulted, allowed and encouraged by Andrew, who’s supposedly the force keeping Nicky in line, and who told him earlier in the chapter not to try anything. Aaron and Kevin are complicit in this, as is the bartender. As are the rest of the team members and Coach Wymack, even if it’s to a far lesser extent, because though they’re horrified that Andrew and his gang brought Neil to the club, they’re not surprised. For people who seemed to know it was coming, they did an awfully lax job of keeping Neil safe though they claim that’s their top priority, and Wymack hardly reprimands Andrew. And no one even shifts blame towards Nicky, despite the fact that he’s the worst person here out of all of them.

People tend to ignore Nicky in general when it comes to how bad of people all these characters are. Which is weird, because Nicky is a horrific predator, and this scene can’t be excused. Though he never assaults Neil again, he continues to be interested in him up until his lackluster apology (which, by the way, does not excuse his actions in this chapter so fuck off if you’re gonna say it does), and it’s pretty clearly implied that he only stops flirting uncomfortably with Neil (who, side note, is still barely not a child) because Andrew forces him to, and not because of any personal growth. 

This should be the end of my explanation of why these books are terrible. Writing a scene like this, in which the assaulters are the good guys of the story and will, throughout the next three books, improve as people by exactly 0%, is reprehensible. There’s no coming back from that. But some of you obviously disagree, so let’s keep going. 

There’s more scenes like this, one in particular, but I’m gonna talk about it later. My point is just that “token gay character is a blatant predator” is not a good look, especially when written by a straight woman.

Thanksgiving

Nora Sakavic would not know how to write a rape victim if one punched her in the face and told her she was a horrible writer. I wish I didn’t have to say more. But I obviously do, so let’s go. 

(as always: necessary disclaimer that I am not a csa survivor and if anyone out there is and disagrees with me I’m more than willing to hear you out, however, i don’t think it takes one to tell that Nora Sakavic is a Fraud And Hack) 

This one wasn’t quite as hard to reread as the Eden’s Twilight chapter, probably because even though the acts are worse, it doesn’t have a bad message overall. The rapist is, thank god, the bad guy in this one. 

It does, however, have problems. Because Nora is still unable to write about serious issues without incorporating scenes purely for the purpose of shock value. 

Like, y’all, it’s really not hard to say “this character was raped as a child and has problems with consent and intimacy because of it”. You don’t need to bring the rapist into the story and have them rape the character again only for the main characters to walk in on it and kill the rapist with a lacrosse racket. 

Oh yeah, spoilers, that’s exactly what happens.  

The chapter starts out fine. If anything, it’s tame for a chapter of a book out of The World’s Most Unnecessarily Over The Top Book Series. 

The basic setup is: Nicky’s parents have invited him and the twins home for Thanksgiving after being estranged for 5 years. Andrew refuses to go. He won’t tell anyone why, but after a talk with him Neil learns that it’s because he was raped by his stepbrother and when he confided in Nicky’s dad about it, Nicky’s dad told him it was a misunderstanding. 

Y’all know what that is? Perfectly fucking adequate writing. We learn this thing about Andrew’s past. He has, for probably the only time in this entire series, adequate motivation to do something. But Ms. Sakavic, known Fraud And Hack, said fuck that. We need more. We need to really know what Andrew went through. “Like in a longer conversation sequence?” Someone sensible asked. Nora shook her head. “Like in the second worst scene I have ever written because I am a Fraud And Hack.” 

So they go to Nicky’s house for Thanksgiving! This also gives Nora a chance to remind us all that she is a straight woman and Nicky is a gay stereotype. Andrew is on edge the entire time, but Neil manages to keep him under control for the most part. Then we learn that Nicky’s dad invited Andrew’s rapist ex-stepbrother to the house. And than they’re upstairs together. Alone. 

So y’know, Neil and Aaron run upstairs, break down the door, there’s a page and a half of description of the scene of Andrew about to get raped before their very eyes, Aaron kills the rapist with a lacrosse stick (exy stick, whatever), and scene. I’m not gonna quote this one, because I don’t wanna make anyone read it, but it runs roughly from page 215-220 of The Raven King if you wanna see for yourself. Highly recommend against it. It’s nasty. 

This is a chapter that goes from 0-100 in pretty much too seconds. Someone should probably tell Nora that forcing Andrew to have dinner with the man who discredited his rape is enough digging up of his traumatic past. We don’t need to go deeper. She can stop now. She should stop now. We know Andrew’s history of csa at this point. If Nora thought that wasn’t enough, there are a million ways she could go more in depth without doing this. This scene doesn’t even go more in depth. In terms of advancements in the story, all that happens is that Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky find out about Andrew’s past (something that could have happened in so many different ways) and Aaron kills a man (which doesn’t actually matter because it takes no toll on him and is never mentioned again because nora is a fraud and hack). I was appalled and horrified the first time I read it, and rightly so, because that’s it’s only purpose. 

And putting a rape scene in a book for the sole purpose of shocking your readers is just a nasty thing to do. 

Bonus Point: Riko Moriyama Is An Evil Monster And That’s Bad Even If He Is The Villain 

Riko’s an evil monster! Yeah! Obviously! We’re glad he died! He sucks! But...he’s a very badly written evil monster, and I don’t feel like unpacking all of him, but I just want to point to a couple scenes towards the end of The Raven King real quick since they fit with the whole “Nora don’t write about rape like this” theme. 

I’m not gonna quote this one either because it’s Real Gross. But basically, Riko convinces Neil to spend winter break with him by telling him that he arranged for Andrew to get raped over Thanksgiving, and that if Neil doesn’t comply with his terms, he’s paid off one of the doctors at the psych ward Andrew is staying in and will get that doctor to rape him again. 

So that didn’t...need to happen. It’s quite frankly disgusting that Nora wrote all this (the language in this scene is very explicit). It’s disgusting that she couldn’t think of any other way to portray her villain as evil. This is bad writing. Riko doesn’t need to be cartoonishly villainous. It’s unnecessary, it’s over the top, and it’s sickening to read. 

Also? That scene at the end of The Raven King where Riko handcuffs Neil to the bed and like...stabs him and it’s never said he rapes him but he definitely rapes him because Nora’s predatory subtext is more obvious than a slap in the face? That didn’t need to happen either. 

Andriel is a terrible ship, Nora you FRAUD AND HACK

So Andrew and Neil get together in the last book, because every series written by a straight woman needs a super unhealthy gay relationship for fangirls to call cute.

(This one is...weird because a lot of the fanbase are gay themselves, but I’ve heard there’s gay people who like the captive prince too so. i guess it just be like that sometimes.)

I don’t have time to comb through the entire book looking through problematic moments, and I wouldn’t want to. I’m just gonna grab a couple noteworthy scenes in what I hope will make an adequate outline of this fucked up relationship. 

The Foxhole Court starts by setting up a running theme of Everyone Disrespecting Neil’s Boundaries All The Time with Wymack, Andrew, and Kevin coming to his high school and refusing to leave until he agrees to sign on with their Not Lacrosse team. His first meeting with Andrew is when Andrew hits him with a lacrosse racket to forcibly stop him from leaving the locker room, a pretty good encapsulation of the sort of person Andrew is. They spent the next three books allegedly falling in love.

Neil establishes boundaries. Andrew breaks them.

“I don’t need to be persuasive,” Andrew said, putting a hand to Neil’s chest as the elevator slowed to a stop. “You’ll just learn to do what I say.” 

This is on page 33 of tfc, during their second meeting. Andrew establishes that he’s controlling and manipulative pretty damn early. 

A list of other “romantic and iconic” Andriel moments include:

Andrew breaks into Neil’s room and goes through his belongings

Andrew drugs Neil and allows Nicky to assault him (after threatening to kill Nicky if he tried anything??) because he doesn’t trust him

Andrew uses threats of sharing personal information to force Neil to tell him secrets

Andrew is repeatedly physically violent (their first meeting, beating him up at Eden’s Twilight)

Andrew tells Neil’s secrets to the team psychiatrist, knowing full well it’s a betrayal of Neil’s trust

Andrew delights in Neil’s fear and goes out of his way for most of tfc to make him fear for his safety

Andrew didn’t look at Wymack. “Neil wants to come with me.”  A day ago, those words might have been an order or a threat, but today Neil heard only truth. He’d chosen the Foxes. He’d chosen to trust Andrew, whatever that meant and whatever consequences it brought down the road. (tfc pg. 152)

After that quote the moments are harder to spot (read: I reread less of trk and none of tkm so I don’t have any bookmarks to turn to), but they are still there. The last moment there is from trk, so the abuse doesn’t stop, I’m just too exhausted to keep looking. 

And let me be clear, that quote is barely consent. Andrew physically and psychologically abuses Neil into the position he’s in when he surrenders and sides with Andrew on page 152.  This scene takes place right after Eden’s Twilight, and above all of what went down there, Neil has just been forced into telling Andrew more personal information than he’s ever told anyone. After a night of abuse he feels trapped, like resistance is futile, so he gives in. Saying he wants to be part of Andrew’s crew doesn’t count as consent when his hand is being forced. 

Even though scenes towards the end of the series show Neil beginning to learn how to control Andrew and the two of them coming to stand on a more level ground, their relationship is one built on abuse and violence, and it’s important not to forget that. It’s unrealistic that Neil would come to trust Andrew, honestly. And having the abusive, more mature character give Neil his first ever relationship and teach him that he’s gay (or bi, or whatever he is) is not a good look. Especially when this book has everything else I’ve already mentioned. Especially when Nora is, once again, a grown ass straight woman. 

Nicky And Andrew Are Two Terrible People Being Terrible To Each Other And Actually I Hate Both Of Them 

So Nicky’s predatory and Andrew is violent and their relationship is as unhealthy as can get. Andrew’s relationships with Nicky and Aaron are both unhealthy, but Aaron’s much less so, so I’m just gonna get into Nicky today because I’ve been writing for almost 3 hours and I kinda wanna die right about now. 

We’ve already established that I don’t like either of them. But let me be clear, it takes a lot for me to admit that Andrew “knives hidden up my sleeves” Minyard is right in any situation. And yet, in pretty much any situation where he threatens Nicky, it’s easy to see him as the good guy, at least up until a certain point. 

Andrew is a bad person. He’s violent and manipulative and has no regard for people’s boundaries. Nicky is arguably worse, painting himself as the peacemaker while being horrifically predatory. 

(A point on Nicky: Nora spends pretty much all of the first book showing Nicky as predatory, then abandons it entirely for the next two books, making it easy to forget the kind of person he is. Just because the predatory behavior stops doesn’t excuse it. Just because Nora thinks one lousy apology makes Nicky a good person suddenly, doesn’t mean it does.)

I’m gonna paste in a pretty massive chunk of text from the foxhole court, but I think it’s all important, so bear with me. 

“Andrew is scary territorial of him. He punched me the first time I said I’d like to get Kevin too wasted to be straight.” Nicky pointed at his face, presumably where Andrew had decked him. “So yeah, I’m going to crush on safer targets until Andrew gets bored of him. That means you, since Matt’s taken and I don’t hate myself enough to try Seth. Congrats.” “Can you take the creepy down a level?” Aaron asked. “What?” Nicky asked. “He said he doesn’t swing, so obviously he needs a push.” ... “Nicky’s scheming to rape Neil,” Aaron said. “There are a couple flaws in his plan he needs to work out first, but he’ll get there sooner or later.” “You’re such an asshole,” Nicky said as he started for the door. “Wow, Nicky,” Andrew said. “You start early.” “Can you really blame me?” ... Andrew caught Nicky’s jersey in one hand and threw him hard up against the wall... “Hey Nicky,” Andrew said in stage-whisper German. “Don’t touch him, you understand?”  “You know I’d never hurt him. If he says yes-”  “I said no.”  Jesus, you’re greedy,” Nicky said. “You already have Kevin, what does it-” He went silent, but it took Neil a moment to realize why. Andrew had a short knife pressed to Nicky’s jersey...Neil knew Andrew meant it. If Nicky so much as breathed wrong right now, Andrew would cut his lungs to ribbons, any and all consequences be damned. 

 So there’s a lot to unpack there. I loose Andrew at the point where he’s ready to murder, but though he’s extreme as fuck, it’s not like he’s unjustified. We learn later from his backstory why he’s so extreme in shutting down any behavior he sees predatory, and rightfully so. (Even though there’s still Eden’s Twilight soon after this... it’s Nora’s incompetent writing isn’t it.) Nicky is a creep. He’s an adult. He has a fiance. And he’s talking about how he’s going to coerce a teenager into having sex with him because he won’t tell him his sexuality. 

He says he wouldn’t do anything without consent, but we know that’s not true. He’s just saying what Andrew wants to hear. 

And as for Andrew, though his violence is excused by backstory and mental problems, it’s a big fucking deal. He nearly killed his cousin, who we know he feels at least some sort of fondness for, because it’s established at this point that the reason he’s so heavily medicated is for attacking men who threatened Nicky. Would he regret it later? It’s impossible to say. He killed Aaron’s mom and assumed Aaron would be grateful. He’s threatened or attacked pretty much every member of the Not Lacrosse team. And I honestly don’t know what Nora is trying to tell us about him. He gets tamer once he’s permanently off his medication, but he was violent before it. I suppose that’s because by then Neil has learned how to calm him down, but is that the message? Abuse a boy into hanging out with you and eventually he’ll be a boyfriend who knows how to deal with you? 

Nicky is a predator and Andrew is a violent abuser and neither of them are the good guys and that’s the only conclusion I can possibly draw from the way they’re written. 

Assorted noteworthy moments that didn’t fit into any larger part: 

the part in trk where Nicky’s parents are homophobic and he tells them he loves his fiance and this is the moment that’s supposed to make us sympathize with him? “The sexual predator has homophobic Christian parents feel sad for him” nice try Nora but he’s not getting shit in the way of sympathy from me, your straight is showing

the part in tfc when Seth says the f-slur is bad because uh. Nora that’s not your word to say

bonus Nicky is predatory bit: Nicky waggled a hand at Aaron. “Quick, have we said anything totally incriminating these past few months?” “Aside from your endless inappropriate comments about what you’d like to do to [Neil], I don’t think so.” (tfc pg 239) 

Kevin is also manipulative! I felt like covering it would be a bit of a rehash of Andrew and this was getting really long but he continually uses exy as leverage to get Neil to do things he feels will put him in danger the same way Andrew uses threats of sharing his secrets. 

bonus bonus Nicky is predatory bit (I’m discovering more and more as I go): Nicky’s stare was appreciative when Neil returned, but for once he kept his mouth shut. (tfc pg 243) Is this supposed to be character growth? Being predatory without explicitly saying anything is barely better Nora!! (Side note, in this same scene Nicky does make a comment about Neil jacking off in the bathroom stall which? Seems kinda bad considering everything else with him?)

I didn’t touch on it very much because no one cares about it and it’s way harder to convince people poor writing about drug abuse is bad than poor writing about sexual assault is bad (even though it shouldn’t be, and i could have tried both but again. long post) but Nora’s attitude to drugs and alcohol is bad. Every character and their mom is addicted to something, with Kevin and Andrew being the most obvious touched on (also Seth but I don’t think anyone cares about him), and Nora’s attitude towards writing it is quite frankly disgusting. She’s offensively misinformed and it pisses me off to no end. But that’s a rant for another day.

Every sex scene between Neil and Andrew is gross. (I think there’s two of them from what I remember? At least two, maybe more.) I googled plenty and I couldn’t find Nora’s age anywhere, but I know for a fact that she’s an adult, and I also know the series took her 13 years to write, so I’m fairly sure she’s at least in her 30s. 

I know I said I wasn’t gonna complain about bad writing but. It’s so bad y’all, and I honestly think it gets worse as the books go along. Every time Neil monologued it took a year off my life. 

So yeah. There’s a lot that’s fucked up about the foxhole court. And the worst part of it is that it never gets better. Andrew makes marginal improvement, but Nicky never does. Nora writes shock value scenes until the series end (I didn’t write about the scene in tkm where Neil gets tortured because it’s the same shock value effect of the thanksgiving chapter in a different sort of way but it’s also bad). I am of the honest belief that this book is far too fucked up to salvage. This is my official tfc bad masterpost, because every time I criticize it someone wants to know more. But I’m also putting it in the fandom tags because it annoys me to no end that y’all support these books, and I’m hoping I can at least change someone’s mind.