#; i take bipolar medication that i know has helped and the idea of getting off is scary

[macgyvermedical]

Anosognosia

I want to introduce you all to the concept of anosognosia, and what my experience of it has been.

So first of all, what is anosognosia? It's a symptom where you can't identify (or have trouble identifying) your own deficits related to a mental or physical illness.

A lot of times we take for granted that we have an accurate picture of what our bodies and brains can do, which is updated based on new information. But with anosognosia, the part of the brain that does the updating gets damaged, so we're stuck accessing an older version of this information.

It's really common in severe mental illnesses, but it's also seen in brain injuries, strokes, dementia, and even blindness. About 40% of people with Bipolar disorder and about 50% of people with Schizophrenia experience it.

It can be constant and complete, where you have no idea your brain isn't working right, and no matter how much you're told about your condition it doesn't make sense. It can be really difficult for people with this kind of anosognosia to remember to take medication or want to take medication at all- after all, why take medication if there's nothing wrong, especially if there's side effects to the medication. They usually have to rely on external cues or motivations, such as "when I take my medication consistently, I keep my job." They also have to have a lot of trust that the people helping them make decisions actually have their best interests at heart and aren't mistaken about their condition.

It can also be partial, where maybe you have an inkling that something isn't right, enough that you'll question things that seem off or trust when other people say you're acting weird. But it's not always that simple. Some people go back and forth- one day understanding that they have an illness, the next not. This can be frustrating for the person and for the people around them.

My experience is partial anosognosia. I can describe what I'm experiencing, I know it's abnormal, but there's so much doubt that I never feel like I really know for sure. What if everyone in my life is mistaken about what's wrong with me? What if my psychiatrist is just humoring me? What if my wife just wants to have someone to take care of so she's convinced me that I'm crazy? I don't know. Maybe I'm secretly lying about the whole thing?

Knowing that I have anosognosia has really helped, but again, it's just something I have to trust is correct and base the rest of my thoughts around.

[icarusredwings]

would you recommend takin' over the asylum

Yes! And not only because of David but also the other charater's arcs are very intresting too!

It's on youtube for free and is only about 7 episodes.

TOTA discusses topics that were seen as very taboo at the time it was produced/written.

While we as mature veiwers can watch this and say "Okay yes there is misinformation" we have to remember that this was made before even going to a therapist was something people did regularly and openly admited it. If you went to a phycologist back then or even a therapist you were looked down opon.

This show shows and talks about things so subtly that you won't pick them up unless you've been there, OR you pay attention well. For example, one of the things with Campbell is that he is very "ego" driven, and Eddie has to learn how to balance him to keep him from toppling over and becoming manic. For example you'll see a lot of episodes Eddie will praise Bain and then scold him afterwards because in the begining episodes he gives Campbell too much praise/trust and it makes him have a break down because as I explain it to some "Once you get to the top of that cliff, you fall off"

At the very begining the viewer and Eddie are mislead to assume Campbell is a staffmember or a volunteer because of how open of arms he has, hes so eager to help and be useful, hes kind, and as eddie says "He dosn't *seem* looney?" And this is because he's very managable but his parents couldn't so sent him away.

Another reason I recommend it is the diversity of the acting and patiants. People often pin him as the silly side kick charater but Davids acting brings his story to a whole new level.

Campbell is also very energetic compared to most patients, and I think he's one of the youngest ones they have so he gets excited about things VERY quickly. He's jumping all over the place. Lil manic puppy. He always gets so happy to Eddie too, its very clear hes attached to him which (if you know) its very common for bipolar/ manic deapressivss to have that *one* person. This is what I mean by subtleness.

This show also includes topics such as (count this as a trigger warning too)

Giving up your boring job to follow your dreams (which was just ridiculous back then)

Immigration

Unfair justice system

Adhd

Ocd (id say her charater is most likely the worst portrayed but when you realize why it breaks your heart)

Abusive relationships

The taboo idea of dating a 'looney'

Quiting smoking for the better

Bipolar /Manic depressive disorder

Child loss

Self harm

Self ending

Grief

Mutism

Autism

Medical abuse of patiants/manipulation

Substance abuse

Different coping mechanisms

Homelessness

Another thing about this show I like is Eddie is very open to them, he treats them like people, he gets nervous and worried they wont enjoy his company even which means he cares enough about them to think their opinions matter whilst another worker states that they're loonies, no one cares what they want.

He takes care of Campbell a lot as well because- well.. He's a bit of trouble. A little scamp he is. But hes so cute tho. And YES David Tennant's accent IS in this one. It's SO much more thicker then say Crowley or the Doctor.

SPOILERS

Hell there's a woman who they claim is speaking in tounges but she's just speaking a foreign language in which Eddie only takes like 2 days to figure out because he had the nerve to LITSEN to her and try to see what she was saying instead of telling her to speak english and to take pills. The sad bit about this, though, is she becomes homeless because of getting kicked out of the mental hospital.

Yet another theme I like about this show is that A. The colors are just bright enough to keep attention but not get a head ache, B. Bain behaves exactly the way you would expect a teen experiancing issues would, happy, snappy, sad, overly confident all at once, in a blink. C. Eddie meets this woman with a mean dog and yet Eddie forgives this dog many times despite it tried to bite him.

The woman was older and was testing eddie to see if he's a good person or not, no matter how annoying she was to him, he treats her with upmost respect and kindness. She ends up paying him a lot to fix the windows, which gives him extra cash to spend on one of the girls he was intresting seeing as hes very respectful to her despite her depression and I want to almost guess Post Partum but I actually don't know,

ANYWAY He even takes her to see his grandparents and adopts kittens just for her because she loves kittens and some delinquents killed her other kittens.

In most stories, the doctor or patiant is odd and tries to manipulate the other into going out with them, but whenever she declines, he only nods and goes away. It doesn't feel forced either. It's very sweet.

Anyway YES. Please watch it like holy shit I don't have anyone to talk to about it!! The lady who wrote it was actually bummed it flopped because of how progressive it was but is happy its becoming popular now! Love you Donna Franceschild!

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

ONGOMG I HAVE AN IDEA!!

How abouuuuut, a Creepypasta (you can choose It’s okay!!) with a reader that has DID/OSDD? Like, the Creepypasta gets to meet someone new literally everyday and get confused on who is who. YEAH‼️

I am DEVOURING, not eating, DEVOURING your writing like DAMN😦

TAKE CARE AND STAY SAFE AWWOWIWOW

-🐰

Just a heads up, I don't have DID or OSDD, but I do have a few friends who do, so i'm basing this off of what I know from them, as well as some reasearch i've done, so if anything is inaccurate please let me know!

And as always when the choice of creeps is left to me, I will be using my most popular creeps at the time of writing

Thank you so much for requesting!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ticci Toby

In the beginning, it is a bit hard for Toby to adjust in your relationship

You told him before you got serious, that way he knew to just always check in to see who was fronting at the time, but he was still a bit slow to adjust

He learns all of the names of the alters, their personalities, their interests, their role in the headspace, anything he can to accomodate them as well

While he knows that he is only dating you, and not your alters, he still wants to help them feel comfortable when they are fronting

After he gets adjusted though, it isn't really a huge deal anymore

It just becomes a part of his routine to ask each morning who is fronting, notice when you start to dissasociate, and being there for you during your hard days

He probably wouldn't have interacted with any media or people with DID/OSDD before you, so he will be asking you everything about what its like

"Where do you go when you aren't fronting? Can you hear everyone elses voices too? What does it feel like when you front?" etc etc

If you are someone who falls or goes limp when you dissasociate/switch, he is there to catch you or hold you until someone fronts

He learns all (well, as many as you can) of your alters boundaries and lets them know on your relationship, because he doesn't want it to be a whiplash kind of feeling for them to just wake up in some random dudes arms

The way he sees it, he got a partner and a bunch of new friends for the price of one!!

If one of your alters didn't like him though, he'd be ok with that

It would just be kind of awkward when you start to switch out during something like a cuddle sesh

He just hopes and prays it isn't someone who dislikes him

All around, he's kind of clueless but he is very open to learning about you and your disorder!

Eyeless Jack

Being the medical geek he is, he has read almost every psychology book he could get his claws on

And when he ran out of psychology books he started looking more into specific disorders such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia, etc

He did briefly glance over a few books about DID and OSDD, and he'd be lying if he said the topic didn't interest him

But he just gets so excited to study everything at once he kind of just gets a brief rundown of a certain disorder before going to the next thing, and someday coming back to study it more in depth

When he gets into a relationship with you though, he gathers up all his books on the topic and begins studying heavily

He wants to know everything about this disorder, especially since it is something that impacts your day to day life so heavily

He will run some questions he has by you, because some things you just can't find in a book

"So when you say you "switch"....what does that entail for you?"

"Uhhh... my mind goes blank and I kind of just drift off I guess??"

"Interesting...."

He gets very excited to meet your alters!

But he is also very nonchalant about it at the same time??

"And thats when I said-"

"Who the fuck are you"

"....My love, it's me. Your partner"

"I'm (insert alters name here)"

"Ah, very good! Now, tell me all about yourself, when did you manifest?"

Of course, if someone is uncomfortable with relaying knowledge about themselves to a complete stranger, or even just doesn't like him, he understands and won't press on the matter

Every time someone fronts he has a bottle of water in case they need something to help ground themselves

He will bombarde everyone with questions and research there's no escaping >:))

Jeff The Killer

THIS GUY OMFG

He's only heard of DID/OSDD from those shitty movie representations, and Liu who 9 times out of 10, only switches with Sully

So basically Jeff's whole perception of multiple personalities is "Damn whoever the other guy is must be an asshole"

You try to tell him that there is not a "killer" alter, and most of the time, as long as you are nice to them, they will likely be nice to you, because yk, THEY'RE PEOPLE

And while at the time he's like "got it that's super chill"

He still goes from 0-100 when you first switch out in front of him

You could be cuddling on your bed, when all of a sudden he feels your body go limp against his

At first he thinks you fell asleep, but he sees your eyes wide open

You then begin to blink, then move around and shift a bit

"The fuck happened to you?" he asks with a raised brow

Your brows furrow as you look around your environment "Who even are you???" the new person in the front of the headspace asks

It doesn't even click with him that you switched out for a second, he just thinks you're being stupid

"Damn, am I really that forgettable?" He asks, leaning over to kiss your forehead

You make a face of disgust and shove him away from you harshly

He narrows his eyes at you, seemingly trying to process what even just happened

Then it clicks, and he feels like such an asshole

But he won't let you know that obviously

"Gimmie my partner back!" he says suddenly

You raise your hands up defensively "Woah dude what are you talking about?!"

Needless to say, when you come back Jeff is pouting in his room, angry that your alter can't just ~magically~ bring you back to the front

[plurapony]

Alright sysblr it's time to talk diagnosis. As an undiagnosed DID system I'd like to talk about my opinions (and experiences)

"Some Undiagnosed Systems are Faking" - via a Tumblr Blog

Before I dive into the diagnosis portion of this debate, I wanna draw attention to the faking part of that statement. Faking is a conscious act. You cannot be faking without knowing.

Q: So why would a system be undiagnosed? Wouldn't a diagnosis open opportunities to services and help with recovery?

That's entirely correct, however Tumblr users (and people in general) need to stop assuming undiagnosed means people do not want to be diagnosed and instead allow the possibility that it means people can't get diagnosed.

Q: How can't someone get a diagnosis?

I think the best answer for this is to give my lived experience.

I was in a psych ward early 2024 and during my stay we really wanted to help and guidance for DID, however given the fact my stay was for my bipolar the medical professionals instead wanted to focus on that.

From that experience I got a therapist and though I have talked extensively with her about DID and she has made us feel very comfortable she is not qualified in dissociative disorders and as such cannot diagnose anything.

I started seeing a therapist in addition to my other one, who specialized in trauma disorders and had other patients with DID. However she has made it clear she does not diagnose any of her clients (as is the same with most therapists in my country)

After doing a lot of research online it seemed there was only one practice that diagnosed DID in my state. I recommended this to my therapist and she had faxed a letter of recommendation to my doctor (as you required a doctor referral). I then visited my doctor who advised he did not receive the fax and would not listen to me, and instead wrote a referral for autism (something I was in the process of and now am diagnosed with) through my therapist.

Now I work full time, and I had used sick leave in order to see my doctor. In my country sick leave is quite limited and it tends to be valuable as I see two different therapists each fortnight and often have sick days due to being non-functioning. I simply can't afford to take any more time off work in order to try and get another referral.

Q: But do you really want to be diagnosed?

A diagnosis would be honestly incredible. It would allow me to access disability support specifically in the workplace and would assist me in balancing my recovery process with my employment. Additionally it would help thoughts of self doubts and general anxiety in regards to this disorder.

Q: So what's stopping you?

As I mentioned prior, I simply cannot afford to take excess sick leave in order to get a referral. The diagnosis itself would most likely be thousands of dollars and I am definitely not in a place where I can be able to pay for that.

TLDR; There are reasons people are undiagnosed and that does not mean they do not want to be. You truly have no idea if someone is faking of not.

[yumiis]

haiii i was wondering if u could do yumi with bipolar reader. im bipolar and saw u r too 🐞🐞

of course. here you go ml <3

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 six months ; blake

　 ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

genre; hurt/comfort

type; imagine

tw + a/n // crying, reader has bipolar 2, medication mentions. this is all solely based on what i have gone through since my diagnosis of bipolar 2. i hope this can help comfort some of you.

read below.

Six long, tiresome months of taking those three stupid, little white pills every night at 9pm sharp. Not to calm your nerves. They were for your bipolar disorder, y'know, your lovely personality disorder. The thing you've lived with for years, but only just recently got a name for.

The day you were diagnosed was the day the puzzle pieces finally snapped into place. You finally knew the reason you'd get these bursts of happiness for a day or so, and then quickly spiral back into your depression hole for another two weeks. Bipolar II causes manic depression, manic episodes, or depressive episodes. You've experienced all three of them. None of them were fun.

Sure, when you were manic, you seemed fun. You were easily excitable, ready to do impulsive things, ready to conquer the world, it seemed. It was your brain searching for any strand of happiness. Searching for anything, searching for any kind of adrenaline. You were not happy, you were not ready to take over the world. You were struggling.

Your boyfriend could notice when you were having a manic episode.

"You okay?"

"Nope!" You'd say, in the happiest voice you could muster.

You got up, shaking your hands, stomping around his bedroom and pacing in circles.

Hey, it's okay. Calm down," He spoke in a more stern voice, trying to get your attention. You stared at him, "Calm down? Calm down?! No! I can't!"

Shortly after that, you'd break down in his arms. You didn't know what was wrong with you. You couldn't keep doing this.

That was the night that he suggested maybe looking into seeing a psychiatrist who could prescribe you some medicine to help with your issues. Once you were in a better state of mind, you warmed up to the idea.

That was six months ago. This is now. These medicines have made you numb. Anyone who spoke to you felt like they were speaking to a stack of bricks. Barely any vocal responses, only nods of the head and occasional "mhm"s.

These days, you mostly stayed in bed, aside the days you had to go to work. The days you had to go to work, your boyfriend drove you. The car rides were quiet aside from the music. Some days you'd be nonverbal before work. You couldn't form words. Couldn't find the strength to talk. Couldn't open your mouth. Sometimes the reason was all three. Blake understood that.

One day though, he tried to start a conversation in the car. "Babe?"

"Mmm?"

"Well uh, first, are you verbal?"

You sighed, "Kinda."

"Okay. Is the medicine even helping you? You seem kinda like a.. a fuckin' husk."

"Don't know. All I know is that I can handle a job now."

Blake sighed. "You really don't even need this job.. I make enough for us both, really, if you need anything you can just ask," You stopped him. You hated the thought of him supplying for you. "No, Blake. I'm not making you buy everything for me. That makes me feel all pitiful and useless."

You pulled up to your shitty retail job.

"I get off at 5," You grabbed your bag, "Love you." He nodded, sighing. "Love you too."

You put on your fake smile for every customer that walked through the front doors, checking them all out with a smile. The words "Have a good day!" were ingrained in your head by five in the afternoon.

You had to stay a few minutes late because of a small rush you had, but it wasn't anything too bad. You clocked out, saying bye to your manager, then walking out the front doors. You spotted your boyfriend's Honda, walking over to it and sitting in the passenger side.

"Hey," He spoke softly, "How was your day?"

You shrugged, "Another day."

He sat up a little, this was progress. You normally just groan in response, he was actually getting an answer.

"... Are you hungry? We could go get dinner or somethin'." He suggested. You tilted your head, thinking. You didn't pack a lunch today, but you really weren't hungry, and you didn't get paid til next week. "No, I'm okay. I brought a kinda big lunch." He smiled, you never bring lunch. "Oh! Okay. That's good then."

That's another thing. One of the medicines demolishes your appetite. You're never hungry, even if your body tells you that you are. You haven't eaten a proper meal in days.

You two make it back home. You go to Blake's room, setting your bag down, and lying in his bed. Blake goes up to Tanner, "Dude, they packed lunch today. That's huge for them, they never eat anymore." Tanner laughed, "What the hell are you on about? They didn't pack shit. They were down here all morning before they had to leave," He paused, taking a bite of his burger. "Never packed shit."

His face dropped. So you hadn't eaten, and you lied. "Oh. Uh, never mind. Ignore my dumbass." Blake went up to his room, seeing you on his bed, scrolling through your phone. "Hey.. What'd you pack for lunch? I'm curious." He asked you, picking your brain.

You panicked for a second. "Oh, uh.. I fixed two sandwiches before I got you to bring me." Blake nodded, "Uh huh," He sat down in his desk chair, "That's kinda funny you say that, 'cause we're out of sandwich meat, and Tanner also said you didn't pack anything this morning."

It was days like those where you felt like your boyfriend would leave you, but he never did. He stuck by your side, always. Even if you told white lies, even if you didn't eat, even if you're on medication, even if you cried in his arms, and even if you god damn hated yourself.

You were lying in his arms, crying into his chest. "Hey, breathe.. Breathe.." He softly spoke, cradling your head in his hands. He stroked your hair, pressing a kiss to your cheek. "I'm always gonna help you out, and I'm always fucking here for you. Always."

[girlvinland]

I guess this is a bit personal, and it’s not good in and of itself, but in a way it is? I didn’t actually mean to get so long-winded, so apologies for that.

I recently learned that a huge reason I was struggling so much for the past couple of years wasn’t because I just sucked at dealing with hard things (I admittedly did), it was because I was also dealing with having unmedicated bipolar 2. I’ve been on the appropriate meds for ~2 months, and that plus therapy (not talk therapy but like, CBT + DBT + narrative therapy) have really saved me from myself wrt to me having no idea how to deal with what I was feeling. I think the best way to describe it would be that I was trying to climb this hill of things I was dealing with, but with massive weights attached to me, and now those weights have been mostly removed, which makes it easier to climb the hill/deal with things.

My therapist now was the one who initially pointed out the specific ways in which I was struggling, and then I was able to discuss it with my doctor, and it’s like. I knew this was something that a family member dealt with, but I didn’t learn that until people told me after she had died. I had no idea that hypomania was a thing or that there was a form of BD that didn’t include outright mania, and learning about the symptoms/seeing them in myself over the years explained so much. It feels scary to me, but then I also feel some kind of relief or like, better prepared to deal with it. I still do admittedly have some symptoms even on medication, but they’re much less intense and it’s easier for me now to know what to look out for and recognize if I need to get extra help or reach out to someone or if it’s something I can manage on my own.

I do feel kind of weird posting about this now bc I know it’s not really the business of other people, but maybe being transparent about it could be helpful if other people are struggling and don’t know why? It’s interesting bc in the past I’d actually been on the same types of meds I am now, and I didn’t like them bc it felt like those specific ones were just numbing me. When I came off of them I went into this months-long period of creativity and hyperfocus and excitement and was like I feel amazing!!! My therapist was like. Yeah. That was the hypomania lol. I stayed off meds at all for a few years and had waves of that + waves of being intensely suicidal, and finally this year it got to a point where I was self-destructing and taking on more than I was capable of and lashing out at people I cared about and it was really bad. Like I had to get help. Finding the right combo of what I needed has been extremely helpful to me, and I know therapy/meds aren’t for everyone, but I do highly suggest looking into them if you’re really struggling. It’s still admittedly kind of hard for me to be like, yeah, this is an issue that I have, but then knowing there are methods of taking care of it just like with physical ailments (which. I guess it kind of is a physical ailment) does make me feel a lot better. And there is still a lot of stuff I personally have to work through with past memories/experiences, but I feel much more capable of handling that now.

[mental-mona]

10 things not to say to someone with bipolar disorder

These are the 10 most unfortunate comments that I and other friends with bipolar disorder have gotten over the years, with an explanation of why they're so wrongheaded.

"So you'll take that and be fine in the morning, right?" Yes. No. Maybe. See, once my mood's gone off the rails, anything can happen. It's possible that I'll temporarily raise the dose of something or add something in and wake up in the morning feeling perfectly fine, but it's also possible that recovery will take weeks, especially if my meds weren't adjusted optimally to begin with. Alternatively, I might wake up the next morning in a normal mood but feel like a zombie because of the medication's side effects.

"Have you tried antidepressants?" No I haven't, at least not by themselves. If I have taken them by themselves, most likely bad things happened. See, when you give people with bipolar disorder SSRIs without mood stabilizers, they go manic. Imagine that in your brain there's a switch. In depressed people it has 2 settings, depressed and normal. In people with bipolar disorder it has 3 settings, depressed, normal, and manic. Antidepressants flip that switch from the lowest to the highest setting, regardless of what you intended "highest" to be.

"Have you tried [alternative/additional therapy]?" Just to clarify: the prevailing psychiatric theory is that bipolar disorder is a chronic biochemical imbalance in the brain. If what you're pushing makes some kind of sense, I might consider it, but the best it will do is make me feel slightly better or give me a coping mechanism. It won't make the problem actually go away; only medicine and psychotherapy combined with lifestyle changes can do that. Yes, there are some amazing herbs out there, but many of them conflict with various prescription drugs and can't be taken by people with certain medical conditions. Yes, prayer is wonderful and G-d is a great listener, but doctors are His healing hands.

"This is happening to you because you [insert vice(s)]. If you'd just [insert virtuous thing(s)], you'd be fine." If you're lecturing me about getting enough sleep or cutting back on substance use, you are likely correct. If you're lecturing me about almost anything else, then yes, I might feel better overall, but it won't stop me from having random biochemical blips that make my mood go nuts. Also, you sound obnoxiously self-righteous when you lecture me like that; if you still feel the need to suggest whatever it is, please phrase it better.

"I have no idea what to do with you." If you mean that you have no idea how to treat me overall, ask me! Hopefully I'll be able to outline my basic emotional support needs. If I can't or won't, Google guidelines for supporting someone mentally ill and go from there. In fact, you should probably research that regardless. If what you mean is more like "I want to do you a favor but don't know what you need," know that I probably won't be able to answer a generalized "what do you need?" Instead, ask about something specific you can help me with, e.g. a meal. If I can't give you a straight answer on the specific thing, it's now my problem, not yours. If what you mean is more along the lines of "You need more help than I can give you" or "I don't have the energy to deal with you all the time," then you should have said so, albeit gently.

"When's the last time you took your meds?" or "Are you going into an episode?" in response to a strong emotional reaction. I am a human being with the same basic emotional responses as everyone else. Please do not pathologize my feelings and/or brush off an outburst as the product of a diseased mind until you have talked to me and tried to understand what I'm reacting to and why. If you're still concerned, watch for other signs of an altered mood, and tell me if you see them.

"Are you sure the meds aren't making you sicker?" If by "sicker" you mean more mentally unstable, then no, they're most likely not. It might appear that way because episodes often keep getting worse without treatment and whatever meds my doctor's prescribed either haven't had a chance to take effect yet or just aren't right for me, but I should stabilize within a few weeks once we get a handle on what works. It does occasionally happen that a psych med will make things worse, but it's unlikely. If by "sicker" you mean something physical, then indeed they might be, but sometimes that's a price I must pay for emotional stability. Hopefully it's only a temporary adjustment period. That said, if the medications' side effects are unbearable I can always ask my doctor if we can try something else or change the way I'm taking the meds in question.

"You're crazy." "Crazy" is a very loaded word when applied to the mentally ill, and some of us are more sensitive to it than others. Even if I'm ok with the word in one context, I might not be in another. If I choose to use the word to describe myself and I seem genuinely comfortable with that description, it might be ok to jokingly call me "crazy" in conversation with me. However, if I'm desperately asking you to reassure me that I'm not crazy or I shy away from the word altogether, definitely avoid it. Oh, and even if I'm cool with using the word in conversation with you, I'm almost certainly NOT ok with you telling other people that I'm "crazy." As a rule of thumb, if you're unsure whether the word is acceptable, assume that it's not.

"OMG I feel so bad I didn't know what life is like for you I'm so sorry that I reacted like that!" or "I feel so useless that I can't help you!" Odds are that you said this in reaction to my explaining how bipolar disorder can make my life hell and/or how it changes things even when I'm not actively cycling. Odds are that when I explained this to you, I was looking for support. You have just turned the tables and made it about you and how you're a bad friend, thereby forcing me to expend energy that I may not have had in order to reassure you that it's ok. Fail.

"Do it! I dare you!" in response to a description of manic urges. If I'm fully manic, I have very little judgment or impulse control. If I have an insane urge to streak down all of Main Street, your egging me on might be all the impetus I need to actually do it. It'll stop being funny when I get arrested for indecent exposure, and I don't think you really want to be the reason it came to that.

[schizopositivity]

recently i've been going into stupors for like 20-40 minutes where i'm just completely absent from the world and over the past week i've done a lot of reflecting and researching and OOPS does it turn out I have a lot of catatonic symptoms...

but no matter how much i surf the web i can't find anything on coping with them aside from taking meds (and i'm in like the three month long waiting period in getting referred to a psychiatrist. ugh.)...is there really nothing else that can be done with them? i have physical education next semester and i have no idea how to explain my symptoms to whoever my teacher will be. im thinking of going to my guidance counsellor but no matter what they can do to accomodate me im still just going to not be able to function normally in that class.

do you have any resources on how to deal with catatonic symptoms aside from meds, or at least how to explain them to non schizospecs?

to me this sounds more like dissociation. cause ive experienced both dissociation and catatonia and theres a distinct difference for me (and accounts ive read of others). this is purely my opinion based off this ask, i am not a mental health professional, just someone with experience.

dissociation you are not aware of your body, or viewing yourself from the outside or through an altered perseption. its common for people dissociating to feel absent from the world. i think its great that you are able to tell how long this goes on cause i know for me and plenty of others we cant really tell how long it goes on. spacing out is even a form of dissociation that falls on the less severe end of the spectrum. and that form is extremely common, i dont think ive met a single person who has never spaced out or lost chunks of time doing so. and dissociation is pretty common too, it comes in a lot of forms and is brought on by many disorders, trauma or stress. for me i have OSDD, so i dissociate very frequently and severely as a result of my childhood traumas. as far as treatments go, it usually is some sort of therapy to adress the cause of the dissociation. for me that was EMDR therapy that i found very helpful. as far as accomidations in school go, id advise you to go to your student resource center. for college there is usually an ADA office, for middle/highschool there is the counselors office. both usually require a formal diagnosis, or a letter of recomendation from a professional for you to show what your disorder/symptoms are and then you can tell them what accomidations you need for it.

catatonia in my experience is very different. i am very aware of my body. i am seeing the world as clear as i normally do, and i just simply cannot move at all or can only do one motion over and over again. for other catatonics they can appear agitated, be in strange positions, speak in echolalia and other symptoms that arent shutting down completely. for me, i feel trapped, and i tell my body to move as i usually do and it just cant. its extremely distressing, i feel broken, and im screaming and moving on the inside, but totally quiet and motionless on the outside. and if i am able to move one joint, ill move it over and over in an attempt to get some sort of help. catatonia usually occurs in disorders like schizophrenia, bipolar, autism spectrum disorder, and in many medical conditions. it is seen as a pretty severe symptom because it literally stops all physical functioning. and yes sadly there isnt much treatment besides medicine and just waiting it out (like ive done every time ive had it). from my experience it doesnt matter what people say or do around me, ill understand them perfectly, but it still wont snap me out of it.

from the outside these two symptoms can look the same, someone not moving and staring blankly. but according to the DSM, catatonia is not a form of dissociation. and although there isnt many public accounts of how catatonia feels, i have never heard anyone describe it as "completely absent from the world". but i have heard countless times people describe dissociation like that.

its also worth noting that not being able to move the body at all even if you want to can be a symptom of a medical condition, and if you have the chance i think its worth bringing up to a dr.

but if it really feels like being completely absent from the world i think thats something that a lot of people understand the experience of. spacing out is extremely common. and many people i know, people who do not have dissociative disorders, have experienced times where they spaced out and lost chunks of time. im not trying to downplay it or say its not cause for concern, but if you think the words fit, i think explaining it to other people as "spacing out" or "dissociating" will have a lot more people understanding what it is and how to work around it.

sorry for this very long answer, its just an intresting subject, and i have lots of personal experience with both and i want more people to understand the difference. once again i cant say for sure if you do or dont have catatonia. but i think dissociation is something that would be worth your time to research. and articles comparing the two are lengthy and talk more about underlying causes, while sadly i couldnt find anything comparing how they both felt, i do have my own experiences to talk about and hopefully explain it from the pov of the person experiencing it rather than the dr observing it.

[clay-cuttlefish]

Forging ahead with 52. #19 to #38. It's so much.

#19

The Evil Skeets plot is great. According to the omnibus it was a very late change away from a generic broken-time story, and I can kinda see that with how some of the earlier evil Skeets behavior doesn't seem super purposeful, but it all works for me.

#20

Mostly spaceguy plot that I don't care much about. The fight's cool at least.

I have no idea what fan speculation was like at the time but the idea of Supernova Jason Todd conspiracy theories is extremely funny so I support the intentional red herrings here.

#21

I keep changing my mind on which storylines I like more as I go. How could I not love Natasha?

#22

Dr. Magnus is back! I wish him being bipolar was handled more sensitively, the whole "oh the medicine keeps me from going ~crazy~" thing is :/, but I'm willing to read it charitably as his own perspective because I like him. He's a psychotic DC character who's heroic and not spooky or magical, just a guy who really doesn't want to have another depersonalization episode and has some internalized sanism about it, it could be so much worse.

#23

I like that Vic's more jaded to the horrors he can't stop than Renee is. He's had a lot of time to get used to the idea he can't save everyone - back in his own book he would've thrown himself in harm's way just like she wants to, but he's gotten better at not starting fights he can't win.

Hate to give Geoff Johns credit for anything but "What the hell are you doing?" "Seeing if it's contagious." is really good.

#24

"We were both guilty of ignoring Ted" Pretty sure Booster nearly died because he dropped everything to help but okay.

Osiris is just a kid...

Introducing a First Nations hero just to kill him off and give his stuff to a white dude sucks.

#25

Alan's out of the spaceguy zone and doing his own thing.

Almost halfway and the threads are still only starting to link up.

#26

I cannot get enough of Vic and Renee being friends with the Black Marvels. It's very sweet!

Tot my friend Tot :)

This is just a nice moment for them.

#27

I'm very into how Evil Skeets is drawn. He manages to be expressive despite having no moving features, it's a good trick.

Ohhh no it's now. I thought I had another issue, but no, this is the turning point.

#28

THE QUESTIONS!!! Love how they're heckling Kate together.

Kate is so cool.

Oh right, the spaceguys are still here.

#29

The way the mad science island handles mental illness generally sucks, but it's almost hitting at something interesting with Will being forced off his medication for the sake of "creativity".

#30

Get out of here Bruce.

I am going to cry!

#31

I don't even dislike the spaceguys really, but cmon, more of Ralph or Nat would've been better.

Ralph's still a detective even at his lowest! Strong foreshadowing.

#32

Uh oh, Ralph.

#33

Ohhh Charlie.

Him hallucinating Myra? Only able to admit he loved her at the very end?? It takes me out!

Almost all of his dialogue is straight from the O'Neil run. Rucka describes rereading the entire run just to write this issue because he had to get this right, and it shows.

There's a reason I consider O'Neil and Rucka the essential Question writers, and all the other takes to be interesting sidenotes.

#34

The kids aren't doing so well.

aaaaaaaa

#35

Hands you a picture of Nat. Hands you a picture of Nat. Hands you a picture of Nat.

Lex is the best villain in 52 and it isn't even close to a competition.

#36

AAAAAAA

Fuck dude! Nothing coherent to say here! Look at them!

#37

Wild emotional roller coaster for me as I go from Renee agony to cheering about Booster. My first read of this was a Time.

It's such a fun mystery. I can confirm it works if you know nothing about comics and are just along for the ride, and it comes together so well on the reread.

Mayor Ollie!

#38

AAAAAAA

"I'm afraid of who I'll become without you..." How am I meant to be normal about this!

I had to read this in two pieces because it made me need to get up and pace. It has done this every time I have read it. I am physically incapable of being normal about this.

Head in my hands. Comics are good and worth reading actually.

[multi-fandom-veteran-writer]

An explanation and apology.

Hello and greetings! Long time no see everyone. So I figured I would catch everyone up on my current situation and what all is going on. It all started back in June to August of last year and I was in college going for English because I wanted to better my writing. Now mind you I do still take things to heart but I have definitely gotten better with not being so sensitive. Anyways, my tutor that I was trying to work with, we didn't get along at all. She was always giving me a hard time because she figured that I would know how to do everything right off the bat but I didn't as I had never taken that particular English class before. The last straw was when she said that "I wouldn't make it as a writer," or that "Writing isn't for me. I really took that to heart because writing is my passion and my hobby, and I was scared that if I got back into writing, it would suck and just prove my tutor right. The funny thing is I was able to pass that class with an 87% even though I was still missing a couple of assignments. Towards the end of last year, my mother got Covid 19 and double pneumonia on top of it. Thankfully she was able to beat it and is better from it. Also last year I was getting everything ready for me to go to college this coming May. Don't worry, I have been talking with them and got to meet them face to face and they are definitely ONE HUNDRED percent better than my previous college. They treat me like an actual person and with respect. If anyone is curious, I will be going for interactive media so I can start my dream of making animations. Now come around December to January time, my mom started having really bad pains in her leg and foot so we have been going to her doctor's appointments where she had to get her cellulitis treated, thankfully she is doing better. Now with my health, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar and Schizophrenia last year. The stupid thing is it took them twenty-eight years to finally see it and put me on the proper medication, which thankfully has been a tremendous help. So back to this year, my birthday was January twenty Fifth so that month was busy as well because my mom had ordered me some truly awesome presents and I was able to order my cake as well. Coming to recent events, I was diagnosed with ulcerative Colitis and have to get into my Gastroenterologist as soon as possible so I can be put on the correct medication. Everything isn't all bad, however, I was fortunate to have some truly amazing friends who stuck with me and have been an incredible help in helping me get back into writing. I think I'm finally ready to resume my writing. I had this idea floating around my head for a bit, but if anyone likes it, I can make a series dedicated to Vex from Sackboy's Big Adventure with everyone's alternate universe ideas? I know that my words may sound empty and I know that it has been several months since I have written anything, but I can promise everyone this... My writing side is far from dead and will come back stronger than ever. Thank you to everyone who has come to this little rant of mine and thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart for still reading my Vex series and sending in requests for it. I hope to talk to everyone soon; take care and see you soon!

[flowersfortomorrow]

23/11/2024

Week two since my return after travelling and making the decision to not progress forward with an interpersonal relationship with them both.

They have both reached out a number of times to let me know that they were still around, especially in a few moments of vulnerability. These acts seem well meaning on the surface but if you spend the time to pull it apart for what it is, it's insidious. It's always insidious.

Yesterday I found out that I could have been taken to the doctors for free at any moment in time when I was growing up. If you have a concession card in Australia your medical testing (including necessary scans and x-rays) are bulk billed through Medicare. I realized I met the qualifications for a concession card my entire life, which was a really big moment to put into perspective. My step mum's father owned a medical practice as he was a general practitioner and because I thought you had to pay for healthcare (which I had been doing since I was 14) I took up my step mum's offer to go there and have free medical care. I was only 18.

That choice led to my treatment plan being decided by her as she telephoned my general practitioner privately to organize what would happen in my appointments. I went in for stomach pain (I had hepatitis A because I wasn't vaccinated against it, but I didn't know that at the time) which was mostly dismissed. When I came back for a follow up I received my first pap smear, my first questioning of sexually transmitted diseases and then the beginning stages of being referred in the public health system for mental health. I went in for stomach pain and after all was said and done I ended up diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 on an SNRI antidepressant, lithium, epilum and then seroquel. These events led to me being unconscious for 12 hours at a time which led to the repeated rapings and sodomies by my former partner. Which was also dismissed by doctors.

It was a hard reality to put those cognitive links together where I could've had the opportunity to be more in charge of my own medical care because it was free and I could seek out alternative general practitioners other than what I had.

It was in that moment in time they reached out.

They knew the circumstances that led to them reaching out. It's why they reached out. 18 year old me would view it extremely positively that people were offering an extension of a hand while in a vulnerable moment, it was sort of how I ended up tumbling and falling into misfortune. It's the acts of care people offer people in vulnerable moments that have a cascading effect they're never truly aware about. A moment of steering you in a direction so you don't see the viable alternatives you have and a gratefulness that's given because you're entirely alone and it would be rude to dismiss help.

I am 28 now. I don't view it in the same way anymore.

It's a moment for yourself to process that has others interfering with that disrupts the cognitive processing to understand big concepts. It's terrible to demand the space for your own existence because you always look like a dick pointing it out to others.

I was the kind of person who would say nothing and pretend that feeling never existed. I sort of wish I was still that person because I'm now representative of somebody who doesn't let anything go because she never got a moment to process anything that's ever happened. I sound like a broken record demanding the world to get out of the chalk circle I've drawn around myself. I always get pissed off that a 30cm diameter I've created is still taking up too much space. I get pissed off with the idea of it all.

I come back to the same conclusion that they aren't healthy people to be around because there is no respect. They want to hear apologies and self reflection for the hurtful words I've said and the hurtful actions I've done and I want to hear apologies for the constant intrusion that results. Reactive behaviour is always demonized as childlike, but I don't think there is the thought processing over how big the concepts are that are dealt with daily.

It's not healthy to be surrounded by people who don't understand.

As always, I am left inside my own chalk circle by myself.

I sometimes wish that there were others who understood the things I've gone through so I wasn't alone in having to struggle with these concepts, but that's a horrible reality to wish another person to have gone through. I think the cruelest I have been treated has been these moments where I have to see the images of those times and then control my anger and coddle another person's feelings as they antagonize me. They are cruel and unhealthy people who are not cognitively aware of their own behaviours and why it's causing emotional damage. I am really tired of always having to explain.

[frosthidden]

ALICE + ADDICTION

i've been thinking a lot about alice's addiction issues recently so here are some of those thoughts, obviously heed the trigger warnings in the tags. i am trying to treat this subject with the respect and caution it needs.

there's no other way to put it. alice is an addict and has been for a long time. it's something she's aware of, and she's not proud of it, but she's not putting in any real effort to change either. it started with trying to push through being unmedicated for mental health issues and neurodivergence. alice started smoking weed when she was fourteen to escape her shitty home life and used caffeine to treat her unmedicated adhd. that worked and it helped, and she stuck with that until she graduated high school.

when she graduated high school, she graduated to the harder stuff. she tried coke for the first time while she was working at the gas station to pay for her van build. at low doses she experienced the same effects caffeine gave her for managing her adhd, at higher doses she got higher. she couldn't afford it at the time though so she stayed with her previous "treatments".

once her van got built and she had a slightly higher paying gig, alice was able to get her hands on coke. she started using that in conjunction with her coffee. she developed a way of using she believed essentially kept her stable. because she was rarely seeking out actually getting high, just being functional, she thought she was okay and wouldn't have called it a problem at the time.

she doesn't like needles very much which luckily has kept her away from anything that has to be injected into her bloodstream. but over time and with more exposure to the criminal underbelly of the city she lives in she's tried other drugs (mostly pills, and whatever frenchie has on hand).

certainly considering a drug dealer her best friend has contributed to her problem, but i think it's had both positive and negative impacts. because of frenchie's access, she's been able to get actual medications to treat her bipolar 2. she takes anti-psychotic medications, but continues her cocktail of other drugs.

she's been pretty isolated since she left home up until she officially started helping the boys out. she didn't have a support system at all, nor would she have known where to seek one out. she knew she had a problem for a long time but she didn't have anyone around to tell her nor any motivation to change her ways. for a long time, she didn't care if she lived or died. she lived one day at a time doing her jobs, staying off the radar and doing whatever else she wanted.

when people started showing up in her life worried about her (hughie, annie, mm to a much lesser degree) that was when she started having trouble keeping going. she didn't really know what it felt like to have people notice anything about her health. it made her paranoid at first that they'd notice she was hiding things from them (being a supe), and made her withdraw from them at first. she came around to them caring, to the idea that people would still try and help her even when she pushed them away. she wasn't dead already.

she's slowed down her using, but she hasn't stopped either. in the time from season 1 to genv season 1, alice did manage to get her shit together. she was really doing alright with moderate to minimal drug usage. before she want to godolkin, she significantly reduced how much she used in a day. when she realized that dealing drugs at parties got her a lot of access and insight into godu that butcher wanted, she started sampling her own supply. she wasn't proud of any of it, but it did the trick. she went on a bender immediately after leaving godu. major backsliding.

alice does drink, but she's never been as into drinking as most people. she saw what alcohol did to her dad, and somehow that registered as worse than how she interacted with her drug use. she's not the kind of person that regularly drinks to get drunk and blackout.

she has hope now, and that's what's different for her. she's not clean yet, but she has something to look forward to. she's also not hiding anything anymore. she doesn't feel like she's fighting her body and mind. she's learning to work with it, to treat it with care and dignity instead of abusing it. she will most likely experience side effects of prolonged drug use for a long time. what she doesn't know is that her body, the way her powers and the compound v in her system interact with the substances she uses is staving off some of the side effects. her aging is slightly slowed and the way the chemicals in her body interact with the foreign chemicals is keeping some of the worst of it at bay for now.

[the-blog-of-a-bipolar-autistic]

I forgot to upload yesterday :P

4-6-2024

My boyfriend and I have been talking and he agrees that even if we have the money right now, I should wait to see what insurance can do with the walker. I highly doubt much will come from my upcoming appointment. I'm only 20 and my insurance is laughably awful at helping me. My insurance is only good for prescription prices. My abilify off of insurance is like-- 3,000 dollars apparently.. well every time I buy it it says I saved like 3,000 dollars so maybe I'm not getting it because a google search shows it can be up to 100 for a 30 day supply (I get a 90 day supply). I take lamatrogine and ariprizole (abilify) for my Bipolar. Lamatrogine is used to treat the depression aspect of bipolar (it's a medication also used for epilespy and seizures) and ariprizole is just.. well, for bipolar. Ariprizole is also an antipsychotic medication which for some reason has not helped with my delusions. Skip this next paragraph if your delusions/hallucinations are easily influenced. While I won't go into detail about what my delusions are for safety reasons I will explain one of them. Eyes and cameras. It has been going on since I was younger. I think there is constantly an audience watching me. Sometimes it's fine and I act like it's some dumb show but other times it can get incredibly overwhelming. I usually just ride it out until the feeling and paranoia goes away but sometimes it doesn't go away for days. My boyfriend does his best to help me, he tells me it isn't real and my life is too boring for anyone to watch anyways (I told him to tell me that in a past conversation) but it doesn't matter. My delusions make my life a slice of life show and it gets really irritating.

Delusion talk over for the rest of this post Random thought but I realized I am only ableist to myself. While others are allowed to need accommodations and take frequent breaks, I don't allow it for myself. I would rather stand in the kitchen cooking in agonizing pain then dare take a chair up to the stove while I cook. I don't understand why my brain refuses to let me accept these accommodations. I guess I just really hate the idea that my body is not as healthy as it used to be. I remember one time in middle school my friends and I went to the Rollerena (our roller skating place.) We decided to walk to McDonalds after which according to google is, at longest, a 22 minute mile long walk. In this memory I don't remember being in too much pain. It hurt a normal amount for someone who was just roller skating their little heart out then went on a half an hour mile long walk.

I don't know what happened. I don't have any memories of any accidents after wards? My legs have just been slowly getting worse and worse. My boyfriend is convinced that in my future I will be a partial wheelchair user. I wouldn't be opposed to it but it still sucks. I know there are people younger who are partial wheelchair users and that is completely valid and I am glad they have a support system where they are able to do that. When you see other people in wheelchairs you rarely ever think about being the one in the wheelchair. At least I never did but now it's happening and it's scary. I am losing the ability to walk without assistance. When I was younger and looking at American Girl dolls I wanted a "Truly Me", which I never got because American Girl Dolls were too expensive for our poverty-stricken family. I always had a weird way of wanting my doll, I wanted it to have braces, glasses, and a wheelchair? I joked in the past that my Truly Me doll was coming to life after I got braces then glasses, but now it's getting eerie. I imagine if younger me could design the doll using the website it would look something like this (+ a wheelchair)

My entire child hood I begged for that doll but my parents never understood why I wanted 3 things I didn't have at the time. I guess little me knew that somehow I would be needing them eventually. I always worried I would be in a wheelchair due to a broken leg but my fears are starting to subside with the realization of my diminishing leg health. Onto the topic of my mental health, it is also declining. My family is moving out of the house we have had for the past 10 or so years. I have to pack up a box of things I won't need for a while and sell some things so I have enough money to move out and, hopefully, stay at my boyfriend's family's house for a while. While doing so yesterday, I broke down sobbing in front of my boyfriend. I understand I am 20 and it's time to move out but it is coming so quick and uncontrollably. I was always imagining I would be moving out when I was ready, when I had a job and enough money to move out, but it seems that isn't the case. Yes I am 20 and do not have a job. I have never had a job. I am desperately searching for one but it is getting me no where. I got 1 interview in the past 2 years of me applying places. It sucks. They never called me back. I almost got an interview at the coffee shop up the road of my (soon to be old) house but I missed the interview window twice. Once because I was out of town and the other because my stupid phone never gave me a notification that the manager texted me back. On top of being unable to find a job I am worried about my ability to work a job. I am autistic and need people to bluntly explain what I am supposed to do and, like I have been rambling about for the past several paragraphs, my legs are shit. I am so scared of being in extreme pain while trying to work with customers.

Anyways, back to my family moving out. The reason they are moving is because my mom got a job in another city and over the past year due to a contract they have been paying for her apartment. Unfortunately for me, that contract only lasted a year. My mom wasn't even going to take the job due to it being so far away (2 1/5 hour drive) and us not having the money or notice to move out so suddenly. We even got the house reappraised because we were so accepting that we were going to be living in this house for longer. Unfortunately the company told my mom they would pay for her apartment in a year and my mom quickly accepted. While I'm happy for her, she is finally a manager at the store she has been working at since I was around 7, I am also really upset. We had made the plans to stay and over night I was being told that in a year we were selling the house and I would need to either move with them 2 1/2 hours away from a place I grew so accustomed to or move out entirely. I have been trying to downsize. Sell books, plushies, clothes, and other miscellaneous items. Throw away things that are unsalvageable. Figure out what to do with most of my items. I know it sounds easy but I have grown an attachment to most of my things. I am selling a whole trash bag of plushies including my long hello kitty plush and a my melody one. For clarification the hello kitty looks something like this. (My image)

My boyfriend hates it and I got it in 2020 so It lost it's funniness. The my melody also look like this (also my image)

I know it sucks because Sanrio is just a comfort for me but both are not my favourite characters (I prefer Cinnamoroll) and I need the money. I am planning on selling them soon along with several others. I am going to miss all of my plushies but I am keeping several. I am planning on selling them on Facebook market place, mainly because I don't want to deal with shipping so I'll sell to people in my area. I had to throw out my big hello kitty mermaid plush because it had a giant hole in the neck :( She was my favourite out of them all and now she is going to end up in some dumpster somewhere. I would've sewn her up and sold her but the hole was in such an inconvenient spot that it would tear in a single toss on the bed. I am having a conversation on what to do with my, I have them ironically I swear, body pillows. When I show you my biggest one you will understand that they are completely Ironic. I have decided to keep this one

Yes I have an Anthony Hopkins body pillow. My step-sibling got it for me as a joke Christmas gift. I think it's the best pillow I have ever owned. It's the funniest shit inviting friends over for the first time and seeing their reaction to a random old man on a pillow in my bed. ANYWAYS I broke down sobbing yesterday because I had to pack up things. Everything is moving so fast and everything is a lot. I have to go back today and do more but I am so scared. I know I'm going to cry more. It sucks. I don't like getting rid of things. Anyways I'll wrap this up here. I am kind of breaking down a bit just thinking of it. I am going to go over to my house soon and pack up my things.

[pretty-little-martyr]

something that's rly fuckin with my head lately (and all the time, to be honest-) is whether or not I, like, "deserve" my (informal) bipolar dx. partially cause of imposter syndrome in general, liek I'll find one (1) bipolar person with a different experience from me and I'll immediately decide I must be wrong, but also partially cause a very close person to me recently got undiagnosed with it, and they got their bipolar dx from the same human I see for my meds who also gave me my diagnosis. also the first therapist I saw for my issues, once I laid them out, was like "I could give you that diagnosis, but you're not a homeless drug addict. see, the people I usually see have real problems, and you don't." which stung a fair bit, bit I do wonder if he was right. I could very easily be spoiled and whiny. I can see it.

lately I've been thinking every morning of just not taking my meds because I feel "fine" without them, though I know in a lot of cases that's A Bad Idea, I am getting more and more curious. what if I'm actually Not bipolar and need something else? some other manner of help? I've been having trouble with sleeping again lately, with getting tired midday, and while that's not a side effect of my meds to my knowledge (in fact it's usually the opposite) increasing my dose has Not helped.

I'm also the sort of person who's anti-diagnosis as a box you Must fit in, I prefer to see them more like useful terms to articulate an experience. and I did a whole paper on bipolar where i found myself heavily relating to a lot of things (the particular kind of depression symptoms, the way going on Lexapro made me feel like my brain was full of bees, the way hypomania is described) so I've felt somewhat comfortable with saying i have a mild case of it, but now I'm wondering if I'm wrong and therefore intruding on a space I do Not belong in, which would make me feel Very bad.

genuinely contemplating doing a controlled sort of test about the medication when I'm off classes, first one week journaling my experiences while on meds then going off them and journaling how that goes. is it dumb? yes. I mostly do not have anyone to stop me though and I do think it would be the best way to test. my psych is not very helpful I'll be honest, they keep telling me to buy fancy vitamins. I'm not keen on forking over $40 for something I cant be guaranteed will help, I did that once with CBD tablets for anxiety and it did nothing for me. I would change psychs but this one is the only human who has given me meds without a formal diagnosis for bipolar, which I need to Dodge as much as possible because I'm a Florida tranny and if I have that on my history theyll try and bar me from HRT

I wish shit was simpler!!! fuck!!!

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

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*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[devotioncrater]

Edward Teach and Bipolar: A Theory

I've been chewing on this for a bit - and if someone's already made a post about it, please let me know - but hear me out: I believe Edward suffers from a manic episode in episodes 4-9. I feel like he's written as Bipolar coded, and exhibits symptoms consistent with the disorder. If we look at his actions being informed through this lens, I feel a lot of his behavior/actions/relationships make more sense.

Full disclaimer, I am only speaking from my own lived experiences dealing with diagnosed Bipolar I. I am not a medical professional. Bipolar disorder is defined as a severe mood disorder where the person who has it cycles through intense episodes of (hypo)mania and depression (high highs and low lows). It manifests itself differently from person to person.

Manic episodes can last anywhere between a week to months. OFMD takes place in the span of a few weeks. This timeline checks out with the theory of Bipolar, because Edward "crashes" in episode 10. He went from a high high of impulsively wanting to run away with Stede, to a low low of becoming the Kraken. While, yes, heartbreak & betrayal are factors here, I don't believe they're solely to blame. They merely helped trigger (along with Izzy) the sudden drop to depression. In a sense, episode 10 is a climax to what we know of Edward: that he reacts disproportionately to things due to his emotional dysregulation.

When we meet Edward in episode 4, he's "bored out of his skull" with "increasingly erratic moods" whose crew has been worried about his judgement. We get a glimpse of this erratic behavior when he and Izzy are going through Stede's trinkets. At first, Edward seems fine, having a good laugh about the trinkets, yet when Izzy tells him he needs to focus, to plan, it triggers Edward to whiplash right into irritableness.

The suicidal ideation that comes next is masked as a threat. It is a power play to Izzy. A "fuck around and find out" in the most manipulative way. Edward's reaction is completely disproportionate to Izzy's request for him to focus, though. He's hot and he's cold on a dime.

Another thing to point out here, is that Edward is easily distracted by unrelated/unimportant things (i.e. the trinkets). This feeds into his hyperfixations. He has a lack of concentration too.

Yet another example of a disproportionate emotional response in episode 4 is when Izzy corrects him that it's not the date Edward believes it to be. Instead of figuring out an alternative plan, Edward immediately feels hopeless enough to give up and go get drunk. "Captain goes down with the ship". This seriously concerns Izzy, breaks the camel's back, because not even six hours beforehand, Edward had threatened suicide. And Edward's resigned to the outlook of death until the lighthouse plan works, then suddenly he's back to seemingly wanting to live again. It's whiplash after whiplash.

Izzy called him a "shell of a man", which is an assessment that Edward agrees with. Oftentimes while manic — and I have felt this too — people lose their sense of identity. All that's left is a shell of who you used to be pre-episode, and depending on the severity of the episode, that person can be unrecognizable. The loss of identity coincides heavily with Edward's character arc, as he tries to reinvent himself out of Blackbeard and into Ed.

Another way to read this reinvention is through the idea that Edward "quits his job" impulsively out of the boredom he feels. He "works for" Blackbeard. He used to love working for Blackbeard, used to be high-functioning at his job, too. To suddenly want to quit and retire? That's wild. That rightfully sets off alarm bells in other characters (namely Izzy).

Impulsivity is another symptom of mania. Edward is shown repeatedly to be impulsive throughout the season. The biggest example is his plan to sail with Stede to China in episode 9. He's euphoric in this scene, happier than we've ever seen him. The euphoria doesn't last. I don't believe it would've lasted even if Stede had met him on the docks, based on the prior knowledge that his boredom eventually comes back.

(Quick note about the docks: it's a fantastic scene to analyze, because Edward doesn't go looking for Stede. He's in his head the entire time he's waiting for him.)

Boredom is commonly present in Bipolar manic episodes. Feelings of restlessness often occur and Edward exhibits them to a T. He distracts himself from this by hyperfixating on Stede and Stede's way of doing things, and it works until episode 7. Edward is once again bored, saying he "can't stay around here forever" and that he "wasn't built for sitting idle".

When manic, interpersonal relationships become tumultuous. You can see this clearly displayed through his codependent relationship with Izzy, and then again in episode 10 with the rest of the Revenge crew.

His relationship with Stede is no different. He places Stede on a pedestal of sorts ("I suppose what makes Ed happy is...you"). He's got the rose colored glasses on to the point where he doesn't even see Stede for what he is: a deeply flawed man. Then when Stede hurts him for the first time, he whiplashes and devalues him completely.

Episode 10 is the inevitable crash of depression after mania. In my experience, the higher the highs, the lower the lows. We see Edward isolated in his room for days, captain's quarters a mess. He's singing about hanging on by a thread. His suicidal ideation is back. He's out of it and vulnerable. My man is not doing so hot.

But then his mood swings yet again by getting the impulsive idea to throw a talent show. He even begins to clean his room. And Izzy? Izzy's had enough of his erratic behavior.

Keep in mind, at the beginning of episode 4, Izzy's stressed to his limit already with Edward and his moods. It's not easy navigating life with someone who has untreated bipolar, it's very very difficult. Izzy is an angry little man, and he is a right freak, but he's loyal to a terrible fault. This entire season, he's trying to protect Edward from himself. The man he loves is on a mental health decline and he isn't equipped to deal with it. He can't blame Edward, so he thinks it's Stede's fault ("done something to my boss' brain").

Izzy allows Edward space and privacy to grieve Stede without much flack. He even covers for him, but he's clearly strained by it. When Edward goes public with his depression and says "Why are we even pirates?", it's a slap in the face to the "support" Izzy's shown him thus far. It reaffirms that no, Edward is not well. Edward is, in Izzy's mind, worse.

Izzy, having had enough of this and wanting to go back to the way things were pre-manic episode, triggers Edward into violence. He is a direct cause of Edward going back to black and embracing the Kraken. In fact, it's safe to say that Izzy himself is a massive trigger for Edward.

The Kraken is a coping mechanism for Edward's severe depression and heartbreak. It is an extreme the same way the persona of Ed is an extreme. Where Ed is open and warm and soft, the Kraken is cold and violent and closed off. He abuses alcohol while in this persona, as alluded to by him drinking from a bottle of rum he carries around on deck. People with Bipolar have a higher rate of substance abuse/addiction. This behavior checks out.

And that's where the season ends.

Again, this reading of Edward is just a theory I've been chewing on. I'm sure there are more examples I haven't gone into, but I hope what I have makes sense