#//so i decided to do the complete opposite

[coffeegnomee]

There is a theme this season, going around the new members, of "I want to trust you". And it's approached as a completely different question from "who am i teammed with".

I would have said you trust your teammates and nobody else. And even then there are betrayals.

For the new members, “trust” feels like they mean “you will not kill me”.

But for old lifestealers “trust” means “i trust i know where your mind will go in different scenarios. I trust that you will act the way you have always acted"

Every old member has at minimum 3 seasons under their belt, they all have this understanding that trust is more about knowing the person and how they act on lifesteal rather than knowing they are safe to be around at all times. 

And trust is more about whether or not we mutually decided to be teammates in a very literal "they are my teammate" kind of way. Trust never extends beyond a team. The examples in opposition are like Clown and Branzy, and maybe Mapicc and Ro but even they will fight each other when not teammed. Ro will just always join back with mapicc if he asks regardless of his previous team.

It's fascinating the different ideological approach. And how it's making so many situationships, so many relationships where this person literally has a team or is planning on joining a team and yet they insist on establishing "i would trust you with my life" and "you promised to always be there for me" with a princezam who is just nawt their teammate.

And it's so interesting how particular the affect is when wrapping zam in particular into this web of trust.

Because zam is the most notorious lifestealer to change his allegiances, not just for like the obvious betrayals, but even going against pangi in the crown battle and joining mapicc, opposing minutetech even though they had talked about teaming up after the presidency (briefly), being upset with the other pacifists for copying him and then embracing them for gaia's hand.

Zan is the number one lifestealer to change his positioning on the server based upon what other people do. It is entirely based upon responding to the actions of the other server members.

And so you can never trust zam. because putting it on zam that he will "never kill you because you trust him" is to not understand how zam plays the server.

But mapicc can trust zam implicitly. because he understands zam's mind, where he will go when faced with scenarios, and he's okay with that. any time zam goes rogue he deals with it. and zam understands mapicc, he understands mapicc's mind and where he will go when faced with scenarios, and he's okay with that. anytime mapicc goes rogue he accepts it.

[mapis-putellas]

𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔/𝑨.𝑷𝒖𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒔

Okay, so I have no idea how many words this is, but it’s super freaking long and I had to stop here before I went too crazy. I think the ending is perfect, but I can do a part 2 if enough of you guys want it. Enjoy <3

The flat felt emptier than usual, though Alexia's familiar presence still lingered in the small things. The scent of her perfume on the throw blanket draped over the couch, the mug she always used sitting on the counter, the neatly folded laundry on the chair that you hadn't yet put away. But these reminders weren't enough anymore. They only made the emptiness sharper, the silence heavier.

You sighed as you sat on the edge of the couch, scrolling through your phone without really looking at the screen. Alexia wouldn't be home for another few hours—some team meeting or another. The time alone had become routine, almost expected. She'd walk in, tired, offer you a quiet smile, and head straight for the shower. Then you'd both go to bed, lying on opposite sides, separated by an invisible wall that neither of you seemed willing to breach.

It wasn't always like this. Once, not so long ago, the flat had been filled with laughter and warmth. You remembered how Alexia used to pull you into her arms the moment she walked through the door, murmuring sweet words in Spanish as she peppered soft kisses to any part of your face she could reach. How you'd both stay up late talking, sharing dreams and fears like you were the only two people in the world.

But those moments felt distant now, like they belonged to another version of you—of what you used to be.

When Arsenal had reached out with an offer, you hadn't hesitated to listen. The idea of leaving Barcelona, of leaving Alexia, should've filled you with dread, but it didn't. Instead, it felt like relief. A chance to escape the slow unraveling of your relationship before it completely came apart and hurt you both beyond repair in the process.

You weren't sure if Alexia would fight to keep you here, and that uncertainty hurt more than you cared to admit.

The sound of keys in the lock broke through your thoughts. You looked up as Alexia stepped inside, her hair tied back in a low bun, a tired but polite smile on her lips. She looked beautiful, as always, but there was a hesitance in her movements, like she wasn't sure how to approach you anymore.

"Hola," she said softly, setting her bag down by the door, kicking off her shoes that land on the carpeted floor with a soft thud.

"Hi," you replied, forcing a smile that you knew didn't reach your eyes.

She hesitated for a moment, like she wanted to say something, but instead she simply nodded in acknowledgment and headed toward the bathroom. The sound of the shower running filled the silence, and you sank back against the couch, the weight of everything pressing down on you. You made your way to bed eventually, and you found Alexia already asleep, curled up at the very edge of the bed. You stared at her for a second, swallowing the tightness in your throat as you climbed in next to her and tugged the blankets up to your waist.

You laid on your side, hand instinctively reaching out to touch her, but it fell short, simply skimming the material of her T-shirt. One of her own. Not yours like it once had been. A single tear fell then, tickling your skin as it glided down your cheek. After a second, you turned to face away from her, the distance between you both feeling bigger than ever.

The next morning, Alexia was already gone when you woke up. A note on the counter told you she had an early training session. You stared at her neat handwriting for a moment, the words blurring slightly as tears pricked at your eyes.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to wake you up with soft touches and kisses, coaxing you into the shower whilst she cooked breakfast so you could both head to training together. Just like you used to do.

You decided to call in sick to training, and unlike she would have done before, Alexia doesn't call to check in; to ask where you were or if you were okay. It only made your decision all the more clear. You spend the day mulling over it, replaying the offer from Arsenal in your mind. It wasn't just about the opportunity to play for a new team, not anymore. It was about starting over. Finding yourself again.

By the time Alexia came home that evening, you had made up your mind.

"Can we talk?" you asked as she walked into the living room.

Her brows furrowed slightly, but she nodded, sitting down on the couch next to you.

You hesitated as you turned to face her, your hands twisting nervously in your lap. "Arsenal made me an offer," you said finally, your voice barely above a whisper.

Alexia's eyes widened slightly, and for a moment, she didn't say anything. When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet. "You... you are leaving?"

"I haven't decided yet," you admitted, though the words felt like a lie.

Her gaze dropped to her hands, her fingers fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. "Why?"

"Alexia..." You sighed, struggling to find the right words. "Things between us, they're not the same anymore. We're not the same anymore."

She looked up at you, her brown eyes filled with something you couldn't quite place—hurt, maybe, or regret. "You don't want to try?"

"I don't even know if we can fix this," you admitted, your voice breaking slightly. "We barely see each other. We barely talk. I just... I don't know if this is what you want anymore."

Her jaw tightened, and she looked away, her hands clenching into fists. "I want you," she said, her accent thick with emotion. "But you—you are leaving."

"I don't have to."

The silence that followed was deafening. You wanted her to fight for you, to beg you to stay, but instead, she just sat there, her shoulders slumping under the weight of your words.

"I need to think," you said finally, standing up. "I'll stay at a hotel tonight."

She didn't try to stop you as you grabbed your bag you'd packed earlier and walked out the door. It closed behind you with a click that sounded deafening, final, and she didn't try and follow you. Your eyes stung with the familiar sensation of tears as you made your way to your car, a single one falling, staining your skin as you slumped into the drivers seat. You glanced at the house again, begging, hoping the door would open and Alexia would appear and plead with you to stay. But the door stayed closed, and the place Alexia would have once stood remained empty.

Feeling emptier than you ever had before, you started the car.

The hotel room felt cold and impersonal, but it was a welcome distraction from the heaviness of the flat. You spent hours staring at the ceiling, replaying the conversation -or lack there of, with Alexia over and over in your mind. You loved her. That was never the problem. Had never been the problem. But love wasn't always enough, and you weren't sure if you could keep pretending that it was.

Sleep didn't come easy that night.

The next morning, as you were packing up your things, there was a knock at your door. It was quiet, almost as though the person on the other side had no intention of you really hearing it. But you had. You opened the door to find Alexia standing there, her eyes red-rimmed and tired. She was holding a small box, her hands trembling slightly as she held it out to you.

"What's this?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

She didn't answer, just motioned for you to open it. You do, and inside was a simple silver bracelet, engraved with the coordinates of the place where you'd first met. The Barça training grounds.

"I bought this for you," she said quietly, her voice halting and unsure. "But I... I never gave it to you. I was waiting for the right time."

Tears filled your eyes as you looked up at her. "Alexia..."

"I know I make mistakes," she said, her voice trembling. "But I love you. And I want to fix this. Please... don't go."

For the first time in weeks, you felt a flicker of hope. Maybe things weren't perfect, but they didn't have to be. Maybe you could find your way back to each other. Just like how you used to be.

You reached out, taking her hand in yours and squeezing softly. "I love you too," you said. "Let's figure this out. Together."

And for the first time in a long time, Alexia smiled—a real, genuine smile that made you feel like maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

*

But things don't always turn out like you wish.

The days passed in a blur of routines and rehearsed smiles, but no matter how much effort you and Alexia put into trying to mend the fractures in your relationship, something always felt off. Scheduled date nights became more of an obligation than a joy, a box to tick off in your shared attempts to fix what had once been effortless.

Dinners at your favorite restaurants were filled with polite conversation, a stark contrast to the laughter and shared glances that used to make the world feel smaller. When you went on walks, the silences felt heavier, stretched thin by the weight of everything that neither of you could bring yourselves to say. Even your rare lazy mornings together, which had once been sacred, now felt stilted, like two strangers trying too hard to find a common ground that had long since eroded.

You wanted to believe you could fix it. You both did. But the truth was undeniable. No amount of effort could recreate the spark that had gone out. And the harder you tried, the more apparent it became that you weren't meant to keep holding on.

You sat on the edge of the bed one night, staring at your phone but not really seeing the screen. Alexia was beside you, scrolling through her own phone, but the expression on her face was undecipherable. The space between you felt bigger than ever, and you knew she felt it too.

You thought about the Arsenal offer again. It had been weeks since you'd spoken to Alexia about it, but the idea had never left your mind. At first, you had dismissed it as an impulsive reaction to your struggles, a way to escape the pain of watching your relationship crumble into pieces. But the more time that passed, the more it felt like the right choice. Not just for your career, but for your sanity—and for Alexia's.

The thought of leaving her hurt, but not in the way you had expected. It wasn't the gut-wrenching agony you'd always imagined a breakup with Alexia would bring. Instead, it felt like a quiet sadness, a dull ache that you knew would fade with time.

You had been torturing yourself with the decision for days, envisioning the hurt in her eyes, the betrayal she would undoubtedly feel. But no matter how much you agonized over it, the answer was clear

Neither of you could heal while you were still together.

When you finally made the decision, it didn't bring the relief you had hoped for. Instead, it left you with a sense of finality, a heavy weight in your chest. You knew you needed to tell Alexia, but every time you tried, the words caught in your throat. Like there was something in the way.

It wasn't until a week later that you found the courage to say what needed to be said.

You came home from speaking to Jonatan to find Alexia in the kitchen, chopping vegetables for dinner. She glanced up when you walked in, offering you a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Hola," she said softly, her accent still as endearing as ever.

"Hi," you replied, leaning against the counter as you watched her. Your heart ached at the sight of her, at the knowledge of what you were about to do.

"I need to talk to you," you said, your voice trembling slightly.

Alexia froze, her knife hovering over the cutting board. After a second, she set it down carefully before turning to face you, her expression wary.

"What is it?" she asked, her eyes searching yours.

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for what was to come. "I've decided to take the Arsenal offer."

Her eyes widened, and for a moment, she didn't say anything. The silence in the room felt heavy. When she finally spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper. "You're leaving?"

"I think it's the best thing for both of us," you said, your throat tight. You couldn't cry. Not now. "We've been trying so hard, but it's not working, Alexia. We can't keep pretending that everything is okay when it's evidently clear it's not."

Her jaw clenched, and she looked away, her hands gripping the edge of the counter. "I thought we were fixing it," she said, her voice trembling. "I thought we were trying."

"We were," you said, stepping closer to her. "But trying isn't enough. We're forcing something that isn't there anymore, and it's not fair to either of us."

She turned back to you, tears glistening in her eyes. The sight stung more than you thought it would. "So that's it? You're just leaving?"

"I don't want to hurt you," you said, your own voice breaking. "that's the last thing I ever want to do. But I can't stay and keep pretending that this is going to work. We deserve better than this, Alexia. Both of us."

Her shoulders slumped, and you knew she knew you were right. She let out a shaky breath. "I don't know how to say goodbye to you," she said, her voice choked.

You felt tears spill down your cheeks as you reached out, taking her hands in yours. "You don't have to say goodbye," you said softly. "We'll always have a connection, Alexia. It's inevitable. But we can't keep holding onto something that's only hurting us."

She nodded slowly, her tears falling freely now. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," you whisper, tugging on her hand and pulling her into your arms. She fell limp against you, arms clinging to your waist as she shook with silent sobs. You buried your face into her neck, taking in her smell, her touch. The way her hands fist your shirt tightly, like she was terrified to let go. It was the first time you'd held her in what felt like months. After a moment, you pulled away, your trembling hands reaching up to cup her cheeks. She stared at you, eyes shiny and cheeks wet. She leaned into your touch, and you smiled sadly as you gently wipe away the tears beneath her eyes. "And that's why I have to do this." You just manage to choke out.

Alexia's bottom lip trembled, and you pursed your own lips to stop them from doing the same as you pulled her back into your arms. This time, you allowed yourself to cry too.

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of packing, paperwork, and goodbyes. Alexia helped you with everything, even though you knew it was killing her to watch you go. To leave the life you both knew so well behind. She was even there when you packed up the last of your things, her quiet presence a comfort even in the midst of the heartbreak.

On your last night in Barcelona, you sat together on the couch, a glass of wine in each of your hands. The silence between you was heavy, but not uncomfortable.

"I'm going to miss you," Alexia said finally, her voice barely above a whisper. You glanced at her to see her looking down at the glass she had resting on her leg, finger tip tracing over the rim.

"I'm going to miss you too," you replied, your heart aching at the thought of leaving her. She looked up at you, and the unmistakable shine of tears in her eyes was back. You reached forward, setting your wine onto the coffee table before holding out your arm. Alexia sniffled as she placed her glass next to your own before scooting closer, curling up against your side and laying her head against chest. You wrapped your arm around her shoulders, squeezing softly as you rest your cheek against the top of her head. No more words were spoken. They didn't need to be. What was done, was done, and now, you were just making the most of having her close.

When it was time to leave, she walked you to the door, her hand lingering in yours as she said goodbye.

"Take care of yourself," she said, her voice trembling.

"You too," you replied, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to her cheek.

And then you were gone, stepping outside with your bags in tow. Alexia remained in the threshold of the doorway as you packed your things into the trunk of your car, and as much as it pained you to do so, you ignore the quivering breaths that escape her lips as she tried, yet failed to hold herself together. As you opened the drivers side door, you glanced back at her one last time. She was frozen in place, arms crossed against her chest in what you knew was a futile effort at comforting herself.

You couldn't bring yourself to do anything more than lift your hand, a silent, yet almost pathetic bid goodbye. Alexia mimicked it, and you stare at her for just a second longer before finally getting into the car. You hear the quiet sob that escaped her lips just as you closed the door, and your own vision became blurry with tears you refused to let fall. As you start the car and put it into drive, you drive off into the quiet of the night without glancing back.

*

The flight to London was quiet, giving you plenty of time to reflect on everything that had happened. You knew you had made the right decision, but that didn't make it any easier. Starting over would be hard, you know that, but you were determined to find yourself again—to rediscover the passion and joy that had brought you to football in the first place.

And as much as it hurt to leave Alexia behind, you knew that this was the best thing for both of you. It was the only way to truly heal.

*

Settling into Arsenal was easier than you ever could have imagined. From the moment you stepped foot on the training pitch, you were greeted with smiles, playful banter, and an atmosphere that felt both warm and inviting. The team had an undeniable companionship, one you hadn't realized how much you missed. It wasn't just the people, though; it was the environment as a whole. Arsenal gave you space to breathe, to be yourself, and to rediscover the parts of football that made you fall in love with it in the first place.

Barça had once given you that too, at the beginning. But when your relationship with Alexia started to crumble, so had your relationship with the people you had once called your friends. Every interaction with them had felt forced, fake, even. The truth was you had never wanted them to know just what was going on behind the scenes when they weren’t there. You hadn’t wanted them to think they had to take sides.

For the first time in months, you felt truly free. Free from the weight of trying to fix something that was irreparable. Free from the guilt and the pain that had clung to you after leaving Alexia. And as difficult as it had been to walk away from her and everything you'd built together, you realized now it had been the right decision.

It wasn't immediate, of course. The first few weeks were a blur of adjusting to a new city, new teammates, and a new routine. But once you found your footing, you began to feel the joy creeping back in. The rush of adrenaline during a perfectly timed tackle, the satisfaction of weaving a pass through a crowded midfield, the way your teammates celebrated every small victory as if it were monumental—it all reminded you why you'd worked so hard to make it big in the first place.

And then there was Leah.

Leah Williamson, the team's captain and all-around golden girl, had been one of the first to welcome you. She'd offered you a tour of the facilities, introduced you to everyone, and made it her personal mission to ensure you felt at home. She had a heart of gold and a quick wit that often had you crying with laughter during team dinners. Her energy was infectious, and her kindness knew no bounds too.

At first, you didn't think much of it. Leah was friendly with everyone, so it wasn't surprising that she'd taken you under her wing. But as the weeks turned into months, you began to notice the little things. The way her gaze lingered on you a moment too long during training. The way she always seemed to find her way to your side during team activities. The way she'd offer to drive you home after late practices, even if it meant going out of her way.

You couldn't deny the connection between you, but the scars from your relationship with Alexia were still too raw to even think about dating again. You needed time to heal, to find yourself again. So, when Leah's shy advances became more apparent, you gently and kindly turned her down.

She never took it personally, though. Leah was patient, understanding, and never once made you feel pressured. Instead, she remained a constant source of support and friendship, always there with a warm smile or a sarcastic comment to make your day just that bit better.

By the time five months had passed, you were in a completely different place than when you first arrived. You felt stronger, both physically and mentally, lighter, and more like yourself than you had in a long time. And while you hadn't planned on falling for anyone, Leah somehow made it happen.

It started subtly, almost imperceptibly. The way your heart skipped a beat when she laughed. The way her touch lingered on your arm when she passed you a water bottle during breaks. The way she always seemed to know exactly what to say to calm your nerves before a big match without even trying.

You tried to ignore it at first, convincing yourself it was nothing more than a harmless crush. But the more time you spent with Leah, the harder it became to deny your feelings.

Three months after Leah first made her interest known, you found yourself standing outside the training ground, her car idling nearby as she waited for you. She'd offered to drive you home again, as she often did, and you'd agreed without hesitation.

As you slid into the passenger seat, you glanced over at her, taking in the way the golden evening light framed her face. She looked at you with that familiar, easy smile, and you felt something shift inside you.

"Leah," you said, your voice softer than you intended.

"Yeah?" she replied, turning to face you fully.

You hesitated for a moment, your hands fidgeting in your lap. "Would you... maybe want to grab dinner or something this weekend? Just the two of us?"

Her eyes widened slightly, and for a moment, you worried you'd misread everything. But then her smile grew, lighting up her entire face.

"I'd love to," she said, her voice warm.

And it was casual at first. You didn't go on any grand, elaborate dates. Instead, you kept things low-key, easing into the idea of a relationship and seeing where it might lead. You'd grab coffee after practice, watch movies at her place, or take long walks through the city, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time.

Leah never rushed you, never pushed for more than you were ready to give. And for that, you were endlessly grateful. She made you feel safe, cherished, and most importantly, like you could be yourself.

One evening, you found yourself curled up on Leah's couch, a bowl of popcorn balanced precariously on your lap as a movie played on the TV. Leah sat beside you, her arm draped casually along the back of the couch and over your shoulders.

As the credits rolled, you turned to her, a soft smile tugging at your lips. "You know," you said, your tone teasing, "I never thought I'd end up here."

"On my couch, stealing my popcorn?" she quipped, raising an eyebrow.

You laughed, nudging her playfully. "No, I mean... with you. After everything that happened, I didn't think I'd ever feel this way again."

Leah's expression softened, and she reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "You deserve to be happy," she said simply. "And if I can be the one to make you happy, then that's all I want."

Your heart melted at her words, and for the first time in a long time, you felt like you were exactly where you were meant to be.

As the weeks turned into months, your relationship with Leah grew stronger. She became your rock, your confidante, and your biggest cheerleader. And though the memories of your past relationship with Alexia still lingered, they no longer weighed you down like an anchor to shore.

You were finally moving forward, and with Leah by your side, you knew you could face whatever challenges came your way.

Because sometimes, love wasn't about grand gestures or sweeping romances. Sometimes, it was about finding someone who made you feel whole, who reminded you of all the reasons you deserved to be happy.

And Leah did exactly that.

*

The Emirates Stadium buzzed with anticipation, the Arsenal fans creating an atmosphere so loud and electric you could almost feel it in your bones. But none of it seemed to register with you as you stood in the tunnel, waiting to step out onto the pitch. Your heart was pounding for a reason that had nothing to do with nerves about the match.

Barcelona.

And Alexia.

You hadn't spoken to her in months. Not since the last awkward exchange after you'd left for Arsenal. She hadn't reached out, and neither had you. It was better that way. Cleaner. But the silence didn't mean you hadn't thought about her. Late at night, when your mind wandered, or when something small reminded you of her, the memories crept in. You'd even caught yourself scrolling through her Instagram more times than you cared to admit, trying to piece together what her life looked like now you weren’t in it.

But absolutely nothing could have prepared you for seeing her in person again.

As the line-up for the match formed in the tunnel, your gaze was drawn to the familiar blonde ahead of you. Her back was to you, the number 11 stitched across her Barça kit. She looked the same, yet entirely different. Her posture was as composed and confident as always, the way it had been every time she'd led her team.

You tried to focus elsewhere. On the way Leah stood next to you, her fingers subtly brushing against yours in quiet reassurance. On the way your Arsenal teammates were joking to ease the tension. But no matter how much you tried to ground yourself, your eyes found their way back to Alexia.

And then she turned.

Her head tilted slightly as her gaze swept over the line-up behind her, landing on you. For a moment, her expression was unreadable. Then, her lips curved into a soft, familiar smile, one that held all the tenderness and intimacy of the countless nights you'd spent wrapped up in each other.

It all but knocked the air from your lungs.

"Hey, you alright?" Leah's voice pulled you back to reality, her hand brushing against your arm as she stepped closer.

You tore your gaze from Alexia, looking up at Leah's concerned face. You nodded quickly ignoring the guilt and forcing a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine," you said, the words a little too quick, a little too forced. But Leah didn't seem to notice. She gave you a small smile of her own before turning back to face the pitch, her focus already shifting to the game.

You wished it was that easy for you.

From the first whistle, the match was intense. Arsenal and Barcelona were two of the best teams in the world, and it showed in every pass, every tackle, every movement on the pitch. The pace was relentless, the energy palpable and consuming.

But as much as you tried to focus, to pour everything into the game, you couldn't stop your mind from drifting. Every time Alexia touched the ball, every time you caught her in your peripheral vision, it was like a weight pressing down on your chest. Heavy and restricting.

It wasn't that you wanted to be with her again. At least, you didn't think so. Things with Leah were good—great, even. She was everything you'd ever hoped for in a partner: kind, funny, supportive, and so easy to love. But seeing Alexia again brought back all the memories you'd worked so hard to bury. The good times, the bad times, and everything in between.

At one point in the first half, Alexia came close, her quick feet dancing around the ball as she tried to get past you. You stepped in, cutting her off and forcing her to pass back. As the play shifted, her eyes met yours for a fleeting second. There was no smile this time, just a look you couldn't quite place.

It was enough to throw you off, and you missed the call to press higher up the pitch. Leah's voice rang out behind you, sharp and commanding as she directed the team. You snapped out of it, refocusing on the game, but the moment stayed with you.

By halftime, the score was still 0-0, both teams locked in a draw. As you made your way to the locker room with the rest of the team, Leah fell into step beside you.

"You've been quiet," she said, her tone casual but laced with concern.

"Just focused," you replied, hoping it sounded convincing. You knew deep down it didn’t.

Leah gave you a small nod, her gaze lingering on you for a moment before she looked ahead. She didn't press, and for that, you were grateful.

The second half didn't get any easier. Barcelona came out stronger, pressing higher and creating more chances. You found yourself locked in a constant battle with Alexia in midfield, each of you pushing the other to your limits. It was both exhilarating and exhausting. Alexia had always been one of the most intelligent players you'd ever faced, and going up against her reminded you of why she was considered one of the best in the world.

But it wasn't just her skill that got to you. It was the way she played with that same passion and fire you'd fallen in love with. The way her voice carried across the pitch as she encouraged her teammates. The way her eyes lit up when Barça came close to scoring.

It was all too much.

By the time the final whistle blew, the score was still tied. A hard-fought draw. Both teams had left everything on the pitch, and as you made your way through the post-match handshakes, you felt the exhaustion settling in.

And then you reached Alexia.

She extended her hand to you, her grip firm yet gentle. "Good game," she said, her English accented but clear.

"Yeah, you too," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

For a moment, neither of you moved. Her hand lingered in yours, her eyes searching yours as if she wanted to say something more. But then someone called her name, and the moment passed.

The locker room was a blur of noise and activity as the team celebrated the hard-earned result. Leah was in the center of it all, her laughter and energy infectious as she joked with the others.

You tried to join in, tried to match their enthusiasm, but your heart wasn't in it. Eventually, you slipped away, retreating to a quieter corner of the room.

Leah found you a few minutes later, her expression softening as she sat down beside you. "Hey," she said gently. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," you lied, forcing a smile. "Just tired."

She didn't look convinced, but she didn't push. Instead, she wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you close. "Well, you were brilliant out there," she said. "Just so you know."

You leaned into her touch, letting her warmth and words wash over you. For the first time since the match ended, you felt a small sense of peace.

But as much as you wanted to believe Leah's words, as much as you wanted to focus on this moment, your mind kept drifting back to Alexia. To the way she'd looked at you, the way her smile had stirred something deep inside you. It made you feel so incredibly guilty because Leah didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to feel second best.

For the first time in months, you found yourself wondering if you'd ever truly be free of her.

*

You sat at your kitchen table, staring blankly at the untouched cup of tea in front of you that you'd made at least an hour ago. The London skyline stretched out beyond the window, but it did little to calm the storm inside your head. It had been two weeks since the match against Barcelona, and yet, Alexia hadn't left your thoughts.

You had tried—really tried—to push her from your mind. You'd thrown yourself into training, focused harder than ever during matches, and spent as much time as possible with Leah. But no matter what you did, Alexia was still there. The memory of her smile in the tunnel, the way her eyes had lingered on yours for just a little too long, haunted you.

Had you made the right decision leaving Barcelona? Leaving her? Getting into a relationship with Leah before you’d truly had chance to heal? All because you didn’t want to be alone? You cared about Leah. Truly, you did. She made you feel good, and she was funny, and sweet, and so so kind. But did you really love her? Or did you just think you did, because you so badly wanted that to be the case? Or was she just a distraction? Something to hide behind so you didn’t have to face the truth?

The questions gnawed at you, refusing to let go. When you'd made the decision to transfer to Arsenal, it had felt like the only option. Your relationship with Alexia had become a shadow of what it once was—distant, strained, and suffocating. You had convinced yourself that leaving was the best thing for both of you. And it had been, at first. But now, you weren't so sure.

Had you given up too easily? Or were you just overthinking everything because seeing her face again after so long apart had all but thrown you off balance?

Training that morning was grueling, but not because of the drills or the pace. Your mind was elsewhere, and it showed. You missed passes, lost focus, and trailed behind during sprints. Jonas called you out on it more than once, his sharp tone cutting through the fog in your mind.

"Focus!" he barked after you fumbled yet another touch. "If your head's not here, you're no good to anyone!"

You nodded mutely, biting the inside of your cheek to keep from snapping back. He was right, of course. But knowing that didn't make it any easier to shake off the heaviness in your chest. It quite literally felt like you suffocating.

Leah caught up with you as you trudged off the pitch at the end of the session. "Hey," she said, her voice soft and laced with concern. "Rough day?"

You forced a small smile. "Just tired," you replied, the lie rolling off your tongue with an ease it shouldn't.

Leah studied you for a moment, her blue eyes searching yours. She didn't press, though. Not like she probably should have. Instead, she slipped her hand into yours, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Let's grab dinner tonight," she suggested. "Just the two of us. We haven't done that in a while."

You nodded, guilt twisting in your gut. "Yeah, that sounds good."

Dinner with Leah should have been easy. It always was. She was charming and funny, her quick wit never failing to make you laugh. But tonight, even her best efforts couldn't break through the wall you'd built around yourself. You picked at your food, barely contributing to the conversation. Leah noticed, of course, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she reached across the table and took your hand, her thumb brushing softly over your knuckles.

"You've been really quiet lately," she said gently. "Is everything okay?"

You hesitated, searching for the right words. You wanted to tell her everything, to finally unload the weight that had been pressing down on you for weeks. But how could you? How could you admit that you were thinking about your ex more than you should? That you were questioning everything about your life and your choices?

"I'm fine," you said finally, forcing another smile. "Just a lot on my mind."

Leah's gaze lingered on you, her expression soft but full of concern. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Of course," you said quickly. "I know."

She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

That night, as you lay in bed beside Leah, your mind wandered again. You couldn't stop thinking about Alexia—about the life you'd left behind in Barcelona.

You'd loved her. God, you'd loved her so much it hurt. And for a long time, you'd thought she was it. Your forever. The one person who truly understood you in a way no one else ever could.

So why hadn't you tried harder to save it?

The question burned in your mind, keeping you awake long after Leah had drifted off beside you. Had you been scared? Had you been so afraid of watching your relationship crumble that you'd run before it could?

Or had it simply been too far gone to save?

The next few days passed in a blur. You went through the motions—training, matches, spending time with Leah—but it all felt hollow. You couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing, that you were somehow stuck between two worlds and you couldn't escape either.

It wasn't fair to Leah. She deserved someone who was fully present, someone who could give her the love and attention she deserved. But no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't give her that. Not when your heart and mind were still tangled up in Alexia.

You hated yourself for it.

Leah was perfect in so many ways. She was kind and caring, always putting others before herself. She made you laugh, even on your worst days, and she had a way of making you feel safe and valued. So why couldn't you just be happy with her? Why wasn't she enough?

One evening, after another restless night, you found yourself scrolling through Alexia's Instagram again. You hated that you couldn't seem to stop. Every photo felt like a punch to the gut—a reminder of the life you'd left behind. There she was, smiling with her teammates, celebrating yet another win. There she was with her family, the people who had welcomed you so warmly during your time in Barcelona. And there she was, looking as beautiful as ever, her smile brighter than the sun.

She looked happy.

The realization hit you like a train. Alexia was happy. She was moving on, living her life without you. And as much as it hurt, you knew you couldn't begrudge her that.

But what about you?

Were you happy?

The answer was painfully clear.

It took you four days to summon the courage to talk to Leah. The thought of hurting her, of shattering the trust and connection you'd built over the past few months, made you sick to your stomach. But you knew it was the right thing to do. It wasn't fair to lead her on. To pretend like you were happy when in actual fact it felt like you were drowning. As you sat together on the couch together, you finally found the words.

"Leah," you began, your voice audibly trembling. You hated that you already sounded so pathetic.

She turned to look at you, her brows furrowing in concern. "What's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you about something."

Her expression shifted, the worry in her eyes deepening. "Okay," she said softly. "I'm listening."

You hesitated, searching for the right words. "I care about you," you said finally. "I really do. And I've loved being with you these past couple of months. But..."

Her face fell, and your heart shattered at the sight. Here you were, yet again breaking someone's heart.

"But I don't think I'm in the right place to be in a relationship right now," you continued, your voice barely above a whisper. "I thought I was ready, but I'm not. And it's not fair to you."

Leah was silent for a long moment, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Is this about Alexia?" she asked finally, her voice steady but quiet. It was as though she knew she couldn't change your mind. You longed to reach out and take her hand. Hug her. Anything. But it felt selfish to do so. And so you just sit, trembling hands clasped together on your lap.

You looked down at your hands, unable to meet her gaze. "Partly," you admitted. "But it's not just about her. It's about me. I need to figure out who I am and what I want, and I can't do that while I'm still carrying so much baggage from my past."

Leah nodded slowly, her lips pressing into a thin line. "I understand," she said, her voice cracking slightly. "I don't like it, but I understand."

You reached for her hand then, your heart aching as she allowed you to hold it. "You mean so much to me," you said, your voice breaking. "And I'm so sorry."

She gave you a small, sad smile. "It's okay," she said. "I'll be okay."

You wanted to believe her, but the pain in her eyes told you otherwise.

That night, after Leah had left, you sat alone in your apartment, the weight of your decision crashing down on you. It was the right thing to do—for both of you—but that didn't make it any easier.

*

The days after ending things with Leah felt like you were moving through molasses. Time passed, but you hardly noticed. Training sessions were a blur of drills and matches that you barely registered. You showed up, you worked, and you left, barely engaging with anyone. Your teammates were kind, supportive, but you couldn't shake the distance you kept from them—or from yourself.

Leah was polite, as professional as ever, but the warmth that used to mark your conversations had been replaced with a cool hesitance. You couldn't blame her. You had ended things, after all. She deserved space to process. But the tentative exchanges between you only deepened your sense of isolation.

The others noticed, of course. How could they not? Beth's concerned glances, Viv's quiet observations, and Katie's half-hearted jokes in an attempt to cheer you up didn't go unnoticed. But you didn't know how to let them in. How could you explain that it wasn't just about Leah? That it wasn't just about Alexia?

It was everything.

You felt like a ghost of yourself. Your apartment felt like a prison, cold and empty, and the silence within its walls was almost deafening. Tasks that once seemed simple—cooking, cleaning, even eating—felt monumental. Most nights, you picked at something small and crawled into bed, waiting for sleep to take away the ache of loneliness.

After a particularly grueling training session, you sat alone at your cubby, pulling off your boots. Your body was exhausted, but your mind refused to quiet down. The other players chatted and laughed around you, their voices blending into white noise.

You were so lost in thought that you didn't notice someone approaching until a throat cleared softly above you. Startled, you looked up to see Leah standing there, her arms crossed and expression guarded.

"Hey," she said, her voice low and hesitant.

"Hey," you replied, equally cautious.

There was a long pause, the kind of silence that felt heavy and awkward. Leah shifted on her feet, looking like she wanted to bolt but was forcing herself to stay.

"Uh... Beth and Viv are having dinner at theirs tonight," she said, finally breaking the silence. "They wanted me to ask if you'd like to come."

Your first instinct was to say no. The idea of being in a social setting, of pretending to be okay when you felt anything but, was overwhelming. You opened your mouth to decline, but Leah spoke again before you could.

"Beth insists," she added, a hint of a smile tugging at her lips.

You glanced across the locker room to where Beth was sitting at her cubby. She was already looking your way, her smile warm and encouraging. It was clear that Leah had been sent as a messenger, and you felt a pang of guilt at the realization. They were trying to include you, to pull you out of whatever shell you'd retreated into.

After a long moment, you nodded. "Okay," you said quietly.

Leah gave a small, almost relieved smile. "Good," she said. "We'll head over after showers."

*

Beth and Viv's house was cozy and welcoming, filled with the smells of cooking and the sounds of music playing softly in the background. It was the kind of warmth you hadn't felt in a long time, and it took you by surprise.

"Hey, there she is!" Beth greeted you with a grin as you stepped inside. She pulled you into a quick hug, her energy so infectious you couldn't help but hug her back. "Glad you could make it."

Viv appeared behind her, offering a quieter but no less genuine smile. "Dinner's almost ready. Make yourself comfortable."

You followed Leah into the living room, where a few of the other girls were already lounging on the couch, chatting and laughing. It was hard not to feel out of place, but Beth's relentless cheerfulness made it a little easier. She handed you a drink and dragged you into a conversation, refusing to let you sit quietly on the sidelines.

For the first time in weeks, you felt yourself relax.

Dinner was lively and filled with conversation about anything and everything, much of it thanks to Beth's sharp wit and Viv's occasional dry humor. The food was delicious, and you found yourself eating more than you had in days.

At one point, Leah caught your eye from across the table. She smiled—small and tentative, but genuine—and you felt a flicker of something you hadn't felt in a while: hope.

The evening passed more quickly than you expected. By the time you left, your mood had lifted ever so slightly. It wasn't a cure-all for everything you were feeling, but it was a start, at least. And for that you were grateful.

The next day, Beth cornered you in the locker room before training.

"So," she began, leaning casually against the bench. "You survived dinner."

You laughed softly. "I did. Thanks for inviting me."

Beth grinned. "Anytime. But seriously, don't be a stranger. We're a team, you know? We're here for you."

Her words hit you harder than you expected. You nodded, swallowing the lump that had formed in your throat.

"Thanks, Beth," you said quietly.

She nods, reaching out to squeeze your arm before heading to her cubby to change for training.

*

Two months had passed before could really process it, and while the adjustment to being alone again was difficult, you were doing your best to move forward. Slowly but surely, life in London away from the home you'd once known began to feel less overwhelming.

You made a conscious effort to bond with the team. Game nights became a weekly tradition you found yourself looking forward to, even if you weren't the most competitive player off the pitch. Coffee outings after practice gave you a chance to connect with your teammates on a more personal level, and you were surprised at how much you enjoyed their company.

Beth, in particular, became your closest friend. She had a way of talking that was infectious, filling the silences you used to find suffocating. Being around her was easy—she didn't let you slip too far into your own head, and she never made you feel like a burden. Instead, she seemed to know exactly when to step in and distract you. You started spending more time with her than anyone else, gravitating toward her warmth and energy. And Beth, as perceptive as she was, never pushed you away. It was like she understood that you needed her company as much as she needed yours.

Things with Leah had also improved. The initial awkwardness and hurt that hung over you both after the breakup were beginning to fade. Slowly but surely, a tentative friendship began to form. It wasn't perfect—not yet. You still hadn't spent time alone with her, unsure if you trusted yourself not to mess things up again. But there was hope, a mutual understanding that you could reach a place of real friendship eventually.

Sometimes, late at night, you wondered if things would've worked out with Leah if it hadn't been for that match against Barça. Seeing Alexia again had reopened wounds you thought were healed, stirring feelings you weren't prepared or had any intention of dealing with.

But London was your home now, and you were finally beginning to accept it. Your life was here, not in Barcelona.

One evening, as you sat on the couch scrolling through your phone, a notification dropped down from the top of your screen.

Alexia: Hey

Three letters, no context.

You stared at the message for what felt like an eternity. Your stomach twisting and your mind racing with questions. Why now? Why after months of silence?

You didn't reply, but the message was impossible to ignore. It lingered in the back of your mind, tugging at your thoughts throughout the next few days. You found yourself spiraling again, replaying old memories and spinning yourself into an endless cycle of what ifs.

Beth noticed first.

It was during a coffee outing after training. You'd been quiet, your mind elsewhere, and whilst Beth had initially been patient, she finally called you out.

"Alright," she prefaces, setting her cup down with a soft thud. You look up from your own cup at the sound, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What's going on? You've been weird the past few days."

"I'm fine," you said automatically, but Beth raised an eyebrow.

"Don't give me that." She rolled her eyes. "Something's up. Tell me."

You hesitated, torn between wanting to open up and not wanting to drag her into your mess. But Beth had a way of pulling the truth out of you, and you knew it was only a matter of time until you break.

"It's nothing," you said finally, trying, yet failing, to sound convincing. "Just... in my own head a bit."

You could tell by the look on Beth's face that she didn't buy it. You knew that would happen, really, but deep down you wished she wasn't so damn perceptive. "You're always in your own head." She gave you a nudge with her foot under the table. "But this feels different. Spill."

You sighed, running a hand through your hair. "It's..." you trail off, and Beth nodded, silently encouraging you to continue "it's Alexia." You admit.

Beth's expression shifted, her teasing demeanor replaced by genuine concern. "What about her?"

"She texted me," you admitted quietly. "Just a simple 'hey.' But it's messing with me and I don't know why."

Beth leaned forward in her seat slightly. "Have you replied?"

"No," you shake your head. "I don't even know what to say. Or if I should say anything at all."

Beth nodded, giving you a moment to gather your thoughts.

"What do you want to say?" she asked finally.

You shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. Part of me wants to ask her why she reached out. Part of me thinks I should ignore it and move on. And part of me..."

Beth tilted her head, waiting.

"Part of me misses her," you admitted, the words feeling heavy on your tongue.

Beth didn't judge or offer unsolicited advice. Instead, she reached across the table and gave your hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Give it a few days. Think on it, yeah? Don’t reply because you feel like you have to."

You run your hands over your face before letting out a deep sigh, eyes drawn to the loose granules of sugar that had spilled onto the table your drinks rested on. "I've left her on read for over forty eight hours," you murmured. "What if-"

"No," Beth shook her head, and you look up at her, surprised at the firmness of her voice. "She'll understand why you haven't answered straight away. It's been, what? Nearly a year since you left her? Left Barcelona?"

You nod, the tightness in your chest returning.

"She can't expect you to not have mixed feelings about this whole thing. Nearly a year apart. Months since you'd last talked. She's gotta give you a bit of leeway. I'm sure she'd feel the same if the situation was reversed and it was you who texted her."

You nod again, knowing was right.

"Give it time," she reached over and squeezed your hand again. You return the gesture. "If they're meant to, things will work out."

You sighed lightly as you picked up your coffee. The cup was cold now, and so was the liquid inside, but that doesn't stop you from taking a sip anyway despite the immediate complaint from your tastebuds.

Beth simply grinned. "That was gross, wasn't it?" She gestured to your cup, and you finally allow yourself to laugh as you set the cup down.

"Oh yeah. Disgusting." You agreed, eternally grateful she'd managed to change the subject without really trying.

Leah was the next to notice.

It was during training, and you were distracted again, your passes sloppy and your focus clearly elsewhere. Leah pulled you aside during a water break, her expression unreadable.

"Hey," she said softly, giving you a gentle nudge with her elbow.. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," you lied as you dropped your water back into the cooler, but Leah simply raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing you.

"You're not," she said matter-of-factly. "What's going on?"

The last thing you wanted was to talk about Alexia with Leah. It felt wrong, considering everything that had happened between you two. But Leah's concern was genuine, and you couldn't bring yourself to brush her off completely after trying so hard these past few months to make things right with her.

"It's complicated," you said finally.

Leah crossed her arms, waiting patiently.

"Leah, I'm not sure if-" you try, but she cut you off.

"Listen, we're friends yeah?"

You nodded immediately. "Yeah, of course, but-"

"And friends tell each other stuff," she cut you off again. "Even the difficult things." She adds.

"I know," you look down at your boots. They were still caked in mud after yesterday's practice in the rain, the chore of cleaning them completely forgotten in your haste to make dinner. "I know that." You look up again. "Really, I do. But..." you cut yourself off this time.

"But...?"

"I don't want to hurt you, Leah," you admit. “We've worked hard to make this friendship work after everything and the last thing I want to do is ruin that by..."

"By what?" Her voice was quieter now. Gentle.

"By talking about my ex." You finally bring yourself to say.

"Ahh," Leah said. "So this is about Alexia."

You nodded, guilt churning your stomach. Suddenly, you feel her hand take your own. You looked up, and you were surprised to see the smile on her face.

"We were friends before we were anything else, y'know. In fact, I'm pretty sure we were friends for longer than we were together, especially if you count after the fact. Which I do, by the way." She squeezed your hand.

Your lips quirked up just slightly.

"And as your friend," she punctuated that with another squeeze. "It's within my rights to demand you tell me whats wrong."

"Demand?" The quiet laughter that escaped your lips was a surprise to you both.

"Damn right," she grinned, finally dropping your hand and crossing her arms against her chest. "So tell me, what's going on."

You hesitated for a second, raising an eyebrow to silently ask if she was sure. Leah just sighs exasperatedly as she gives you another nudge, and you take that as your cue.

"She texted me out of the blue, and it's... it's thrown me off."

Leah didn't flinch or show any sign of discomfort. Instead, she smiled just slightly, tilting her head to the side.

"What did she say?"

"Just 'hey,'" you said, shaking your head. "But apparently three letters are enough to mess with my head."

Leah's hummed. "Do you want to talk to her?"

"I don't know," you said honestly. "I don't even know what she wants. Or why she's reaching out now, after so long.”

Leah was quiet for a moment. "Sometimes, the only way to stop overthinking is to face it head-on."

Despite the seriousness of her words, you couldn't help but joke a little in spite of yourself. "Since when were you so wise?" You teased.

Leah's mouth parted in shock as she placed a hand to her chest in mock hurt. "'scuse you, I've always been wise thank you very much."

"You have?" You tilted your head to the side. "I must have amnesia or something because I definitely don't remember it being that way."

Leah scoffed. "Amnesia she says. That's it. You've asked for it now." She rolled up her none existent sleeves, and you take a few steps backwards in preparation to run. Seconds later, she lunged at you, and you couldn’t help the squeak that escaped your lips as you trip over your own feet in your haste to escape.

*

That night, you sat on your couch, staring at Alexia's message again. Your finger hovered over the keyboard, your mind a giant mess of conflicting emotions. Should you text her? It felt wrong not to do so considering she'd been left on read for nearly four days. But had it been too long? Had too much time passed? Was your chance gone?

Before you could stop yourself, you typed out a reply.

You: Hey. How are you?

It was simple, cautious. You didn't expect a response right away, but your phone buzzed almost immediately.

Alexia: I'm okay. I just... I wanted to check on you.

Your heart clenched. You typed back before you could overthink it.

You: I'm fine. London's good.

Her next reply was slower, as though she was choosing her words carefully.

Alexia: I miss you.

You stared at the screen, the weight of her words hitting you like a ton of bricks.

Did you miss her too? Of course, you did. You always had. But was that enough to reopen this chapter of your life after it had crumbled so badly the first time?

For now, you didn't reply.

The following days were a blur of confusion and who knew what else. You opened up to Leah again, despite your initial hesitation to do so the last time. Thankfully, she didn't seem to mind, especially when you treat her to lunch as a way of saying both thank you and I'm sorry at the same time. As she ate, she listened patiently as you spilled everything—your lingering feelings for Alexia, your doubts about replying to her, and the guilt you carried for how everything had ended in the first place.

"Do you still love her?" Leah asked gently, pushing away her plate and fiddling with the napkin.

The question caught you off guard. Did you?

"I don't know," you said honestly. "I think I do. But I don't know if it's the kind of love that's enough to fix everything."

Leah nodded. "Maybe it's not about fixing anything. Maybe it's about finding closure, for both of you."

Her words gave you a lot to think about.

As the days passed, you found yourself slowly coming to terms with the fact that you couldn't avoid Alexia forever. Whether it was closure or something more, you needed to figure out what this meant, for both of you.

And so, one evening, you picked up your phone and sent her a message.

You: Can we talk?

Her reply came almost instantly.

Alexia: Yes. Anytime.

With a deep breath, you tapped the call button and brought the phone to your ear. The line rang, each sound increasing your anxiety until it clicked.

"Hola," her voice came through softly, hesitant.

"Hi," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

There was a pause, and you could hear her breathing on the other end. The sound of it was both familiar and strange, tugging at emotions you'd tried for hard to bury.

"How are you?" she asked, breaking the silence. Her English, still thick with her accent, wrapped around the words in a way that made your chest tighten.

"I'm okay," you said, though you weren't sure it was entirely true. "How are you?"

"Good," she replied, though her tone didn't sound convincing. "Better... now."

You didn't know how to respond to that, so you stayed quiet, letting the awkward silence stretch between you both. Hearing her voice again after so long was overwhelming. You'd spent months replaying the sound of it in your head, but the real thing was different. Rawer. More real.

Finally, you gathered the courage to break the tension. "Why did you text me?"

Alexia hesitated, and you could almost picture her biting her lip, trying to decide how honest she should be. When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet, vulnerable.

"I miss you," she said, the words simple yet heavy.

Your breath hitched, and for a moment, you couldn't bring yourself to respond. You swallow heavily, before finally…

"I miss you too," you admitted.

The line went quiet again, but this time the silence felt heavier, weighted with all the unspoken things left unsaid between you.

"I want to be in your life," she said finally, her voice quiet, almost pleading. "As a friend, if that's all you can give me. But... more, if..." she didn’t finish her sentence, but you were fully aware of what she’d left unsaid and your heart felt like it was in your throat. You'd known Alexia to be bold, fearless on the pitch, but this wasn't the same kind of bravery. This was her laying herself bare, vulnerable in a way that made your chest ache.

"I don't know what to say," you said honestly. "Alexia, I've missed you every single day since I left. But we ended things for a reason. We weren't... good for each other anymore. Do you really think we can be now?"

There was a soft sigh on the other end of the line, followed by a long pause before she replied.

"I don't know," she said quietly. "But I know I want to try. Even if it's just as your friend. I need you in my life, somehow.” Her words hit you hard, and you rubbed at your temples, trying to sort through the mess of emotions swirling in your head.

"Alexia, I..." You trailed off as your hand dropped to your lap, unsure how to finish the sentence. "I just, this is a lot. I don't know if I've even healed properly. From us, from leaving."

"I understand," she said quickly, and you could hear both the sincerity and sadness in her voice. "I do not want to push you. I just... I needed to tell you how I feel."

You sighed deeply as you let her words sink in. She wasn't asking for everything, not yet. Just a chance, and you could give her that, right?

"Maybe... friends," you said finally, the word feeling foreign in the context of your relationship with her. "At least for now. Until we can figure this out. I think we need to talk in person, really talk, before we make any decisions."

"Okay," she said softly, and you could hear the relief in her voice. "Friends, for now."

You nodded, even though she couldn't see it. "Yeah. For now."

Another silence settled between you, but this one felt less awkward, less strained. It was as if the first few barriers had been broken, leaving room for something new—something uncertain but not entirely unwelcome.

"I'll let you go," you said after a while, though you weren't sure if you really wanted to end the call.

"Okay," she said, her voice softer now. "Thank you for calling."

"Thank you for texting," you replied.

The call ended, leaving you staring at your phone. You felt raw, exposed, and unsure of what came next. But there was also a flicker of hope—small, fragile, but there.

*

Life settled into an odd rhythm, with Alexia somehow slotting herself back into your world as though she'd never left. You didn't quite know how it happened—one moment she was just a text on your screen, and the next, she was a consistent part of your life again. It felt strange at first, a little unnatural, but over time, you found a comfortable balance.

Most days, you focused on your life in London. Training and games filled your schedule, but it was the little things that kept you grounded. You spent a lot of time with Beth and Leah. They were easy company, and Beth especially had a way of making you feel lighter.

"You're coming to mine tonight, yeah?" Beth asked one day after training, slinging an arm around your shoulder. "I got Viv to agree to a game of charades. You have to see her impression of a giraffe—it's iconic."

You laughed, shaking your head. "Alright, I'll come. But only if you promise not to let Leah cheat this time."

Beth grinned. "No promises."

Moments like these were the highlights of your week. They reminded you that you had people here, that you weren't as alone as you sometimes felt.

But then there was Alexia.

She occupied a quiet space in your life, a shadow of the past that lingered in the present. You texted almost every day, though the conversations weren't always long or meaningful.

Alexia: Hola. How was training?

You: Good. We had a double session today. You?

Alexia: Hard. Coach had us doing sprints for hour.

Simple exchanges like this became your new normal. They felt safe, like you were keeping her close without letting her in too far.

And then there were the phone calls.

They started innocently enough. Once a week, usually in the evening, one of you would call the other. The conversations were casual—how your days had gone, updates on mutual friends. You looked forward to them. Hearing her voice, even through the awkward pauses and occasional stilted phrases, felt comforting.

One night, after a particularly tough training session, you found yourself dialing her number without even thinking.

"Hola," she answered, her voice warm and familiar.

"Hey," you said, curling up on your sofa, tossing a blanket over your legs and letting out a soft sigh. "How's your day been?"

"Busy," she replied. "But good. We had media stuff this morning, and then training. Now I am cooking."

"What're you making?"

"Paella," she said, and you could hear the pride in her voice. "Do you remember it?"

You smiled. "How could I forget? You always made the best paella."

She laughed softly. "Not always. Remember the time I burned it?"

You did, and the memory made you laugh. "Yeah, and then you tried to convince me it was supposed to taste like that."

The conversation continued, easy and light. But as you were saying goodbye, Alexia slipped.

"Goodnight," she said softly. "I love you."

The words hit you like a punch to the gut. Without thinking, you murmured, "I love you too," before ending the call.

The silence that followed was suffocating. You stared at your phone screen, now blank, replaying the moment over and over again.

You did love her. That much you knew. But what did that even mean now?

The next time it happened, you didn't say it back.

"I love you," she said quietly, her voice hesitant, almost as if she hadn't meant to say it at all.

You froze, unsure of how to respond. After a beat of silence, Alexia cleared her throat awkwardly. "Lo siento. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," you managed, but your voice sounded distant even to yourself.

She hung up shortly after, and you stared at your phone, guilt clawing at your chest. You texted her later, assuring her it was really was fine, and she replied with a simple Gracias.

But it wasn't fine. Not really.

You didn't know what to do with the feelings that resurfaced every time she said those three words. Part of you wanted to say them back, to dive headfirst into whatever this was and figure it out along the way. But another part of you was terrified—of getting hurt again, of hurting her, of making the same mistakes you'd made before.

So you kept things as they were: tentative, friendly, and painfully unresolved.

In London, life moved on. You found yourself leaning on Beth more and more. She had a way of distracting you from your thoughts, her constant chatter filling the empty spaces in your head.

"You're awfully quiet today," she said one afternoon as you walked to a café after training. "What's going on up there?"

"Nothing," you lied, forcing a smile.

Beth raised an eyebrow. "Liar. Is this about her again?"

You sighed, not bothering to deny it. Beth knew enough about your situation with Alexia to read between the lines.

"She texted me," you admitted.

"And?"

"And... we've been talking. Calling, too."

Beth stopped walking, turning to face you. "Okay, but what do you want from this? Do you want her back? Or do you just miss the idea of her?"

Her bluntness caught you off guard, but it was a question you'd been avoiding for weeks.

"I don't know," you said honestly. "I don't even know if I'm ready to figure that out."

Beth softened, placing a hand on your shoulder and squeezing softly. "Take your time, yeah? No one's rushing you. But don't string her along if you're not sure."

You nodded, appreciating her honesty even if it stung a little.

That night, Alexia called.

"Hola," she said, her voice bright. "How are you?"

"Good," you replied, settling onto your bed. "How's Barcelona?"

"Busy," she said, laughing lightly. "But good. I saw Mapi today. She asks about you."

"Tell her I said hi."

"I will."

The conversation flowed easily, as it often did now. You talked about training, upcoming matches, little things that didn't really matter but still felt important. As the call went on, you found yourself relaxing, the tension of the day melting away. Alexia had always had that effect on you—making the world feel a little less overwhelming, even if just for a moment.

When it was time to hang up, she hesitated.

"Goodnight," she said softly.

"Goodnight," you replied, waiting for the slip that you knew might come.

But this time, it didn't, and you didn't know how you felt about it.

"Sleep well," she said instead, her voice warm.

"You too," you said, hesitating for just a second before hanging up.

*

When you saw Alexia standing in the arrivals hall at Heathrow, everything inside you stilled. She looked the same as she always had. Calm, composed, effortlessly beautiful. But there was something else now, a nervousness in the way her eyes darted through the crowd, the way her hands fidgeted with the strap of her carry-on bag. When she saw you, a small smile lifted the corners of her mouth.

"Hola" she said softly, her voice almost lost in the noise of the airport.

"Hey," you replied, stepping closer.

She hesitated, her weight shifting from one foot to the other. You could tell she wasn't sure whether to hug you or not, and you made the decision for her, pulling her into a quick, firm embrace. She melted into it for just a moment before you stepped back, both of you retreating into the safety of polite distance.

"Long flight?" you asked, grabbing the handle of her suitcase and motioning for her to follow you toward the parking lot.

"Not so bad," she said, falling into step beside you. "I sleep through most of it."

The drive back to your flat was mostly quiet. The conversation was polite, surface-level, but it felt wrong, like you were strangers who barely knew each other instead of two people who had once shared everything.

"Do you have everything you need for your trip?" you asked at one point, eyes fixed on the road ahead.

Alexia nodded. "Sí, I do not think I will need much. It's mostly meetings. And maybe a bit of sightseeing, if there is time."

You hummed in acknowledgment, but you didn't press her further. You knew her tells too well to believe that this trip was purely business.

When you arrived at your flat, you offered her the guest room to settle into, and she disappeared inside with her suitcase. You busied yourself in the kitchen, reheating the pasta you'd left in the microwave earlier, trying to keep your hands steady as the weight of what lay ahead bore down on you.

When Alexia reappeared, she looked hesitant, like she wasn't sure where to sit or what to do.

"Dinner's ready," you said, nodding toward the small table.

"Gracias," she murmured, sitting down across from you.

The meal was simple, eaten mostly in silence except for the occasional comment about how good it was or how tired she felt from traveling.

After dinner, you both moved to the couch. Alexia sat at the far end, her hands nervously fidgeting in her lap. Her eyes darted around the room, as though searching for anything to ease the tension between you. The hesitation in her every movement reminded you of the last time you'd seen her, months ago in the tunnel before the Arsenal vs. Barça match. Except now, the space between you wasn't physical. It was everything unsaid, everything left unresolved.

You shifted slightly, clearing your throat. "We should probably... talk. About everything."

Alexia looked at you then, her lips parting before pressing together again. She nodded slowly. "Sí... I think so, too."

You tried to figure out where to start, running a hand through your hair. "Why did you come here, Ale?"

Her gaze dropped to her hands. "I told you... not only for you. But... you know."

Your lips quirked up at her obvious tell. "You're a terrible liar."

That made her look up, a faint flush rising to her cheeks. "Okay... maybe I come for you. But... I want to see how you are. In person."

"And?" you prompted softly, leaning forward slightly.

"And... I miss you," she admitted, her accent making the words heavier. "I say on the phone, but I miss you more... more than I can say."

Your heart clenched, a familiar ache creeping into your chest. "I miss you too, Alexia. But... we ended things for a reason. Do you remember why?"

Her brows furrowed. "Because... because we are not... how do you say? Good?"

You nodded. "We weren't in a good place. We were barely even talking by the end. Do you think that's changed? Just because we've had some time apart?"

Alexia was quiet for a moment, her hands tightening into fists. "I think... we have changed. I have changed. I think about you every day. And now... I talk with you again, and it feels good. Not like before."

Her words tugged at something inside you. "It feels good because we're not dealing with the hard stuff anymore, Ale. We've only talked about surface-level things. Football, our days, things like that. We haven't addressed the problems we had."

"But we can talk now," she insisted, scooting closer to you on the couch. "I want to talk. I want to... try again."

You sighed, leaning back. "Ale, it's not that simple. Trying again isn't just about wanting it to work. We have to figure out if we even can make it work."

She frowned, her fingers twitching as if she wanted to reach for you but held herself back. "You... you think we cannot?"

"I don't know," you admitted, feeling the weight of her gaze on you. "I really don't. I mean, I still love you—"

"You do?" she interrupted, her voice a mixture of surprise and hope.

You nodded, swallowing hard. "Of course I do. But love wasn't enough before, was it? We still ended up falling apart."

Alexia leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees as she looked down. "Because... because I was not good. Not... not there for you."

"It wasn't just you, Alexia," you said quickly. "I wasn't good either. I shut down when things got hard. I didn't fight for us like I should have."

She shook her head. "No, no... I should have fought more. For you. For us. I... I was scared. Scared I lose you, so I stay quiet. But that... that was wrong."

Her voice cracked on the last word, and you felt your heart break a little more. "We were both scared," you admitted. "But fear doesn't fix anything."

Alexia looked up then, her eyes glassy but determined. "So... we try again? No fear this time."

You hesitated, the logical part of your brain clashing with the part of you that wanted so desperately to pull her into your arms. "What if we fail again?" you whispered.

"Then we fail," she said simply. "But at least... at least we know we try. No... regrets."

Her words hung in the air, and you realized just how much you wanted to believe her. To believe that you could try again and make it work this time.

After a long pause, you reached out, your fingers brushing hers. "Okay," you said softly. "We can try. But we have to promise to talk this time. About everything. No shutting down."

Alexia's hand turned to clasp yours tightly. "I promise. No... no more hiding. We talk, always.”

You nodded, a small smile tugging at your lips. "And no more avoiding each other when things get tough."

"Sí. No more," she agreed, a hint of a smile breaking through her serious expression.

For the first time in months, the weight on your chest felt a little lighter. You squeezed her hand, and without thinking, you leaned forward, wrapping your arms around her. Alexia froze for a second before she melted into you, her arms tightening around your waist.

*

The week Alexia stayed with you passed in a haze of soft moments and cautious steps forward. Neither of you were trying to rush anything, and maybe that was what made it feel so different this time. There was no pressure to immediately fix everything or pretend like the last few months hadn't happened. You were starting fresh, and it felt... right.

Alexia fit into your small London flat in a way that surprised you. She had her little routines: making coffee in the morning with a focus so intense you'd think she was preparing for a match, leaving her jacket casually draped over the back of the chair despite your protests, and humming softly under her breath as she scrolled through her phone. It was so familiar, yet so new.

You spent most of the week together, rediscovering the rhythm of just being in each other's presence. Sometimes you went out, grabbing coffee or walking through the bustling streets of London. Other times, you stayed in, talking about anything and everything—or just sitting together in a comfortable silence.

Alexia did have meetings, and while she insisted they were important, you quickly pieced together that most of them could have been handled remotely. When she wasn't with you, she was calling someone from Barça or scrolling through emails. But her focus always seemed to shift back to you, and it became clear she hadn't come to London because of work. She had come for you.

On her last full day in London, you decided to introduce her to Beth. It wasn't a decision you'd made lightly, but Beth had been your closest confidante during your time at Arsenal, and part of you wanted her to see this side of your life. Alexia had been such a big part of it for so long, and though it felt strange to merge the two worlds, you wanted to try.

Beth greeted you both with her usual warmth, pulling you into a hug before giving Alexia a curious, appraising glance. "So, you're the infamous Alexia," she said, her tone teasing but kind.

Alexia smiled shyly. "I... guess so. Nice to meet you, Beth."

Beth grinned. "Likewise. Heard a lot about you, you know."

Alexia glanced at you, a faint blush creeping up her neck. "Good things... I hope?"

Beth winked at you. "Mostly good."

The three of you settled into an easy rhythm, and you were relieved to see how naturally Alexia interacted with Beth. It wasn't forced or awkward; it was as if they'd known each other for ages. When Leah arrived unexpectedly at Beth's apartment, though, that quickly changed.

"Leah," you greeted softly, stepping forward slightly.

"Hi," she replied, her tone polite but guarded. Her gaze lingered on Alexia for a beat too long before she glanced back at you. "Didn't know you were bringing... company."

Alexia offered Leah a polite nod. "Hello. I am Alexia."

Leah hesitated for half a second before nodding back. "Leah. Nice to meet you."

The atmosphere was tense, and you felt the weight of it pressing against your chest. "I'll, uh, help Beth in the kitchen," you mumbled, slipping away to give Leah and Alexia a moment to adjust to each other's presence.

Beth cornered you the moment you were out of earshot. "Well, this is awkward, isn't it?"

"Beth," you hissed, narrowing your eyes at her.

"I'm just saying," she teased, her voice low. "You're brave, I'll give you that."

You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. "Can we just... not make this harder than it already is?"

Beth softened at your obvious distress. "Okay, okay. I'll play nice. But Leah—"

"I'll handle it," you interrupted quickly, not wanting to dwell on the topic.

When it was time to leave, you pulled Leah aside. You'd been hesitant about how to approach her all day, but you couldn't leave without saying something.

"Hey," you said softly, stopping her just as she was about to head back into the kitchen.

Leah turned to you, her expression unreadable. "Yeah?"

You didn't think too hard about it. Instead, you stepped forward and wrapped your arms around her. At first, she didn't respond, but then her arms came up to hug you back, albeit briefly.

"I'm sorry," you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper.

"For what?" she asked, pulling back to look at you.

"For everything," you admitted. "For hurting you. For how things ended. For... bringing Alexia here."

Leah's lips twitched into a faint smile. "It's okay. Really. I've moved on."

You nodded, though the guilt still lingered in your chest. "You're still one of my closest friends, Leah. I hope you know that."

"I do," she said, her voice soft but steady. "And I'm happy for you, by the way. If she makes you happy, then that's all that matters."

You hugged her one last time before returning to Alexia, who was waiting by the door. Her gaze flicked between you and Leah, her jaw tightening ever so slightly.

"Ready?" you asked, grabbing your coat.

Alexia nodded, but as you walked to the car, she finally broke her silence. "She is... important to you?"

You glanced at her, surprised by the question. "Leah? Yeah, she is. We're good friends."

Alexia's expression didn't change, but you caught the subtle shift in her posture. "You were... more than friends before, no?"

You sighed, unlocking the car. "Yeah, we were. For a while."

"And now?" she pressed, her voice carefully neutral.

"Now we're just friends," you said firmly, turning to face her. "That's all, Ale."

Alexia nodded, though you could tell it hadn't entirely eased her mind. "Okay."

That night, the weight of her impending departure settled over you both. After dinner, you found yourselves back on the couch, sitting closer than you had at the start of the week. Alexia's hand rested on your knee, her thumb tracing absent patterns through the fabric of your joggers.

"I don't want to leave," she admitted suddenly, her voice barely above a whisper.

You looked at her, a soft smile gracing your lips. "I don't want you to leave either."

She smiled sadly. "But we have to talk. About... how we do this.”

You nodded, shifting to face her more fully. "Yeah. Long distance isn't easy."

"No," she agreed. "But... I think we can do it. If we try."

You hesitated. "Ale, I'm not leaving Arsenal. Not anytime soon."

"I know," she said quickly. "And I... I cannot leave Barça. It is my home."

"I'd never ask you to," you assured her. "But that means we'd only see each other... what? A handful of times a year?"

Her brows furrowed as she thought. "Not so few. We can make time. I can come here, or you come to Barcelona... in breaks."

"And what about during the season?" you asked. "We'd both be so busy. Training, games, travel. How would we make it work then?"

Alexia bit her lip. "We talk. Every day, if we can. And when we cannot... we know we are still together. We trust each other."

It sounded simple, almost too simple. But the determination in her voice made you pause. "You really think that's enough?"

Her hand slid up to cup your cheek, her thumb brushing softly against your skin. "I think... if we want this, we find a way. You and me... we are worth it."

The sincerity in her words made your chest ache. You leaned into her touch, closing your eyes for a moment. "I want this," you admitted. "I want us."

Alexia's lips curved into a small, hopeful smile. "Then we try."

You nodded, opening your eyes to meet hers. "We try."

She leaned forward then, her forehead resting against yours. The moment was quiet, intimate, and filled with a sense of hope you hadn't felt in a long time. You didn't know if this would work, but for the first time, you believed it was worth the effort.

**

Tags:

@ceesimz @marysfics @girlgenius1111 @codiemarin @simp4panos @silentwolfsstuff @goldenempyrean @xxnaiaxx @liloandstitchstan

[hoes4matthew]

Christmas Tree Farm

Warnings: fluff / little!matt / little!Chris / cg!reader / christmas :3

Summary: going to a christmas tree farm with matt and Chris!

A/N: YYAYAY FIRST DAY OF DECEMBER

Chris was running way ahead of you and Matt. His goal was to find the biggest tree he could. Meanwhile Matt was doing the complete opposite. Looking for the smallest tree he could. Looking for the trees he knows nobody else would pick.

The snow crunched under you as you walked. Matt was oddly on obsessed with the sound of it, taking extra slow steps just so he could hear it. He did the same thing in fall with the leaves.

You heard Chris yell from ahead. Pointing up to a huge tree and nodding quickly. "Dis." He nodded, pointing to it yet again. You could see his eyes sparkling. "Dis the biggest tree."

You don't quite understand why he wanted to find the biggest tree. He'd already told you he was gonna find the biggest tree before finding the actual tree.

"That definitely is that biggest bud!" He looked so proud. Looking the tree up and down over and over, that excited gleem in his eyes. Hee quickly turned to you. "Take 'icter" He posed next to his tree.

You couldn't help but laugh at how excited he was over the tee he'd found. Pulling out a phone and taking a picture with him next to the tree as he requested. Meanwhile Matt tugged on your arm, jumping and pointing to a skrunkly tree.

It barely has any pines left on it and was extremely short. It looked similar to the one from Charley Brown. But mat love it. He was usually more laid back but right now he was the opposite. Running over right in front of the tree he'd found.

"Tree!" He kneeled down in front of it, that same smile Chris had when he found his big tree now on his face. The same excited and amused glow in his eyes. "I wan 'icter too!!!"

He stayed kneeled down as he turned to you and posed just like Chris. And just like you too for Chris, you pulled out your phone and took a picture for him.

"That's a really nice tree! How about we try to find our real tree now, hm?" The both immediately began looking all around for the absolute perfect tree. They worked together to decide which trees were good and bad, along with asking you what you thought as well.

They finally found the perfect one. And you had to admit, or it was pretty perfect. It wasn't too big but it wasn't too small either. You decide to get it.

While you were paying for it Chris and Matt were throwing snowballs at each other. After the last time you made sure it reminded Chris not to be too rough with Matt. So he started throwing gently after that day.

They both giggled excitedly as it brought your brand new tree to the car.

[alyjojo]

PAC - A Dream is a Wish ✨

Pile 1: Orange 🧡

MERCURY - ARIES - 11TH HOUSE

- Communicate your willpower for humanity’s sake.

- Analyze what you think you know about your hopes and wishes.

- Let your mind tell you how to do it your own way, and do it for the future.

You’re dealing with someone at work that you think is a moron, or a snake, and feel that you could probably do a much better job. You have suggestions and ways that your career could improve, if only someone would listen to you. Or rather, if you had the courage to speak up - that’s the strongest story I’m getting. Shyness 🙈 combined with a lack of power, because what you really want is power. Aries energy 💪 You want to be King of Pentacles, The Emperor, the one running this shit - no one else can do it as good as you can. Ideally.

Withdrawn, The Moon & Fear show major insecurities keeping you from speaking your mind and leading like you want to. You’re afraid of confrontation, or making people upset with you. You could lack confidence or feel like others don’t believe in you…it’s more that you’re solitary and don’t include yourself. Strength at the bottom shows this as a difficult personal challenge for you, you could have a squared/conflicted Mercury that makes it difficult for you to just say the thing you want to say. I’m seeing fire that craves earth💰- money, responsibility, earned success; and I’m seeing earth that craves fire 🔥- confidence, self-appointed leadership, influence, recognition. Or both, you could have those in your chart.

Regardless of who is in charge, currently you’re off to the side and want to do things YOUR way. Your way is better than the group, and you desire to pioneer major change in the group collective of whatever it is you’re doing. Work, a friend group, politics, the whole world, social media or online groups - 11th House. But you want recognition and success, not opposition, and there could be a Snake 🐍 around you that inspires this in the first place…so you worry about them. How can you do what you want peacefully? And get support?

You want to be the boss, but not an asshole. Everything you’re feeling inside shows the level of strength and character you possess, and you seem to be coming from the right place - in that you’re thinking of the whole group when you’re thinking of these “improvements,” but Spirit is showing you as not knowing the whole story - and going off of that, not truth. Like you’re a worker in the break room gossiping with the others, none of which are actually making decisions - and don’t know budgets, approval, who said what in meetings and what’s been decided, etc. That’s the issue, you want a seat at that table, the bigger one that has the power to make real decisions.

You are an intellectual/practical rebel, with good reason, and inside you have more than enough confidence to pull off anything you want…it’s just gathering the confidence to do it out loud. If you want the reading to tell you whether you’ll fail or not, I don’t see failure, just fear. Strength shows it won’t be easy; Temperance shows you’ll have to be patient and it will take time - but that’s not failure 🧡 In the Spirit of Aries energy…just do it ☑️ Speak up 📢

————

Pile 2: Purple 💜

MARS - CANCER - 5TH HOUSE

- The drive for intuition to protect the power of love.

- The confronting of attitudes from the past about investment gambles and other games.

- Action resulting from the history of your creations.

More than anything, this pile wants children, and the kind of nurturing, emotionally stable and mature soulmate that’s ready & willing to be that partner for them. Some of you already have kids and are starting over completely, some don’t and feel like the clock is ticking. All of you probably have a sad story: divorce, a bad break-up, breadcrumbing that went nowhere, or just not meeting someone on your level yet.

On the other side of the coin, this is the pile for the players that like messing around with several different people - but you say you want a soulmate, tsk tsk. Either the soulmate is the one procrastinating - and it’s driving you crazy, or you’re the reason one hasn’t come in. Like Spirit is gonna hand you the right one with all the games and bs, no. Once that is done, then. Or you’ve already met them and have procrastinated going deeper…it’s time. Cut off the extra baggage - if that’s you you’ll know it. If it’s not, you could be dating someone like this, or have, and you’re tired of non-committal people that don’t take love seriously. You want the whole thing, where is your person?

The reading is showing the need to heal from whatever the last person did or didn’t do that hurt you, made you feel like you’re not enough or don’t deserve what you want - you do 💯 I’m also seeing random things. Birds, bees, obviously. Sex. 5th House. If you are beyond childbearing age/possibility and crave children, I’m seeing animals, like…garden animals. Bees. Birds. Literally. A beekeeper? If you feel like you *can’t* be a parent, or something like that, someone took your chances or it just didn’t happen - Spirit is saying change the way you see parenting. Male/female. Maybe you’re meant to parent the baby birds that come back every year, or you start gardening to help save the bees.

Something like that. The Empress is pregnant sure, and someone may be, but she’s an earth mother too 🌸 Spirit will send you all of the signs or animals you would need to see it - for whoever that’s for. I’m hearing “they already have.” 🩷 Everyone else, it’s necessary to commit to each attempt before moving on to the next…you may have missed a gem or underestimated someone/something, said goodbye too soon. If so it’s newer or never really got off the ground, I’m seeing a too-fast judgment, that could be part of it. No one is going to walk in the door like HELLO SOULMATE I’M HERE TO MAKE BABIES. If they did, would you run or…? Probably should 🙃

Pile 3: Red ❤️

URANUS - LIBRA - 3RD HOUSE

- Stir up the situation by using relationships, by making the right connections.

- Be open to new ideas about the beauty of the idea in question.

- Invent a way to do it with your partner/s and get your ideas going.

I’m getting a few different stories for this one, none of them are alike whatsoever 😆

1: You’re in love with a friend, a neighbor, someone you’ve known all your life, a friend of a friend or the friend of a person you know even and there’s some weirdness with asking them out. Like the guy across the street your sister liked two years ago but doesn’t anymore and you do but you don’t want to make her mad. That was a mouthful. You could chatter away very quickly, like a chipmunk 🐿️ People could have a hard time keeping up with you. The answer is - as long as it’s healthy. There’s some ick energy here in someone where healthy isn’t what they’re going for - and I’m being told to ignore that & them. That person needs to go within and question their motives. No, you shouldn’t fk your therapist 🙃 But do you idc, as long as it’s healthy 😆 I’m also seeing a poly kind of relationship, again if it’s healthy & consensual, do whatever you want. Nothing here is saying “no.”

2: SEX. You want it to hit you like a lightning bolt, someone extremely attentive that fascinates you with how they speak, the way they move, how they look, everything. Obsessed 🤩 You could know them or just want to know them, maybe they don’t even exist and you’re dreaming them up. Spirit is saying you have to talk to them first. There’s no “no” here. Go Deeper, show interest, ask. You never know. Could be a neighbor specifically, someone you know through a friend or a sibling. Why not? If it’s legal 💯

3: You want to make real changes in some 3rd House area of your life. Justice changes, maybe legal ones, could be regarding your own home or neighborhood. The local school. Crime in your neighborhood. Some of you could be involved in law or the desire is to be taken seriously, as an intellectual equal that’s respected and heard - with action being taken. You speak and make it happen, that’s what you want, and again as with the other piles, I’m just seeing that you haven’t spoken up. Everything in this pile has the same answer, if you want it go get it - at least try. People came for a yes/no answer and there isn’t a no, YES. Keep it legal, balanced & healthy and that’s all that matters - most of you can be the ones to make the waves and make it happen, though you’re probably wanting it to happen TO you. That’s the only difference I see, it’s on you.

4: You’re creepy. I see you. Just one. Legal & consensual and do what you want, like the others.

Pile 4: Blue 💙

MOON - SAGITTARIUS - 2ND HOUSE

- The nurturing of insights to understand your beliefs.

- Feelings caused by the wisdom of what you value.

- Reactions resulting from the understanding of your resources.

This pile has an outcome many people can’t attain, that’s why it’s your deepest dream. It’s probably the most popular pile that I’m feeling so far. This is the pile of things you wish would’ve happened, things you wish you would’ve done if only you’d known xyz - past tense - and you know that now because of life experience - Sagittarius. Present tense.

You wish you’d never have moved homes, states, or countries. Or you wish you knew what it had been like if you hadn’t. Would you still have the dog and the window seat in your bedroom? Would this terrible thing never have happened if you did? Would you still be married? Would they have chosen differently? Or the opposite, you wish you left sooner. Why didn’t you take that year off of school and just go explore Japan? Now you never will (in your mind), because you’ll never have the same opportunity. Maybe you could’ve prevented some shocking experience…this is a pile that needs nurturing the most, and healing of the heart.

Wanting your ex back is the strongest energy here. What would it have been like if I had this - with them? Or they have what they have - but with me? Or family in general, especially a mother figure. Or kids. You crave stability, your tribe, your blood - but it’s shown in a way of being the past. Some of you may have had really hard childhoods and you dream of the day when everything calms down and you can do things differently. When YOU have a house you won’t do whatever someone else did. When YOU have a daughter, you’ll treat her like a princess. There’s a lot of pain here from many different directions. The numbers go from 7, 8, to 10. Putting in the work, having done your part (or someone else did) and then there’s a sudden ending - some quite tragic, others a missed opportunity or something came up, or it wasn’t you at all but someone else.

Without pain and regret, career choices could be involved too, anything that would’ve made more money than you’re making now. Why didn’t you study law instead of psychology? Why didn’t you choose this house instead of that one? Why didn’t you invest in Amazon when you had the chance? It’s the pile of regrets and inner conflict. That’s not to say you can’t get some of these things (back) if you really wanted to. Most of you have to move forward and recreate your dreams in a new way. And this time, you’ll stay. Or go. Or do it right. Or not. Whatever you want that you didn’t do before.

Some want a family member back that’s passed on, especially a mom or grandmother. Some wish they had one in the first place, or a better one. There’s only one piece of advice here…make new memories. It’s all you can do. Spirit sees you, I see you, and I’m crying in this one, idk who can’t relate to this 🙏 Sending you guys a lot of love for all of your future memories - let these feelings inspire future decisions and I hope that someday your wounds are healed by something that makes it all feel…like there was a deeper purpose for you, somewhere else you were meant to go. A reason, right? That’s all we really want. Make it make sense, and I hope it does someday 💙 There’s no reason you can’t try to recreate what you once had - it’s the closest thing.

Pile 5: Green 💚

SATURN - LIBRA - 2ND HOUSE

- Be realistic about relationships, patiently.

- Be concerned about the beauty of what you want.

- You must wait before you can do it with your partner/s and get what you need.

This pile has been wounded in the area of finances and self worth, many due to some shitty partner that didn’t see it properly. But you blame yourself. If you were prettier, more fit, had more money, a bigger house, more friends, pick a thing - then you would be loved. You just want real love (any kind) and to be seen for what you have to offer another.

This is the pile for soft hearts 🥰 that aren’t seen or appreciated, fuck that. Literally everyone on this blog is looking for YOU. Everyone that watches tarot looking for answers and their person - it’s you they’re looking for, all of you. Someone kind, genuine, loving, nurturing, and wants to share that with another person and do life together.

Because this is Libra energy, I have an activity for pile 5’s only. Comment your pile, and add someone else that comments this pile…see how it goes. A new friend? New love maybe? I’m not even that kind of person fr - this one inspires me to instigate and matchmake, like Libra. It’s a beautiful gift to have, and one you’d love to share. Saturn is in its’ favorite energy in Libra, with fairness, Justice, balance, and all things moving along in perfect time & harmony. Getting along is always the goal for a Saturn Libra, no chaos or confrontations plz. And you probably tend to be a nurturer above all else - you want to feel appreciated for emotional gifts and values - not monetary.

Some of you are parents, single parents even. There’s a heavy under-appreciated feminine energy as well, as the majority. All of the women that give and give and never receive, because your mental health & sacrifices don’t come in the form of a paycheck. Or they do, but it’s smaller than you’d like or even need. If you’re male, then feminine energy coming from a male, you may work at home or feel “emasculated” because of…something. You’re in a more feminine field perhaps, like a dental assistant is the example I’m getting - and you’re taken advantage of by women specifically. Not 👏 appreciated 👏 This could definitely be male energy in a female situation, maybe you’ve dealt with a difficult woman and the world doesn’t sympathize with men the same as they do women. Gender equality in all forms are showing up in this pile - as it’s tied to self worth, your confidence, and receiving what you deserve, money, attention, love, etc. Based on “how you look?”

Libra energy shows balance to all things that are unfair, and your life (or job) could be unfair to you - they’re not paying you enough or treating you with the appreciation you deserve. Both, all of it. People too, family. Shitty lovers. Someone has a painful ex that pokes at their self worth or how much they make (or don’t, right, probably that.) Diet, nutrition, exercise, and all forms of beauty are involved here too. Wanting to change how you look, because it’s “not good enough” but it IS. If you picked this pile, the energy is lovely, YOU are lovely. There’s another pile where that’s not exclusively true lol, but in this one it’s true. You’re beautiful and perfect as is 💯

Obstacles are shown as your main issue (obviously..), and it’s due to heartbreak. You only feel lack because some douchebag made you feel lack in the first place. I’m seeing Adam & Eve, and the question of “who told you you’re naked?” That’s the message here, who told you you’re not good enough and what gave them the qualifications to do so? A degree in business? Do you have any idea how many managers have degrees in business and they’re a bunch of squawking birds that can’t even math? C’mon now. A scientist excels at science but maybe isn’t the most emotionally intelligent, because you can’t book-learn love. Pain. Trauma. Your paycheck can’t possibly reflect the amount of goodness inside of you - because here you’re a Queen of Cups. Soft, loving, nurturing, you care deeply for others. Could be a teacher, a parent, a nurse, raising these people 🍼

Rejection & Nourish with Queen of Cups wants you to take a smelly good bath, with wine and music, and learn to love yourself for all of the amazing qualities you do have that no one else does. You think everyone can be a Queen of Cups? They can, for a day. Not as a significator that’s describing who you are. That’s who you are every single day. All of you need some staycation time, giving back to yourself. Rub your feet, lotion your body, do hair treatments and skin treatments, put some love into you - and others will respond to that & you positively. You could experiment with hairstyles or beauty treatments. With Libra, to look good is to feel good, they’re intermingled. Clean house, smelling good, love this shirt, it builds all of the confidence necessary to take on the world when they’re feeling cute 😌 might delete later idk. Complimenting others as well, you could crave positive attention & recognition.

The tarot cards show you already know what to do and just need confirmation that it’s attainable or real. It is. Actualization & Patience show you getting what you want eventually. More money, more respect, more genuine love and appreciation, more attraction, all of it. But it first comes with loving yourself, teaching others to love you by setting the example. And don’t let others have the power to take that away. So they don’t like lavender. You do. I guess they better go sit over there then. For that example it’s like you can smile sweetly & confidently, and if others don’t like it THEY can move. Not you. Apply that to everything ❤️ First process your wounds emotionally, feel your feelings & why you feel this way…then do something fun about it. Play with your looks. Experiment. Work out. Eat kale. Drink wine. And finding others like you would work wonders for your self esteem…Saturn Libra needs friends. People. Even one person that supports you is worth all the weight in gold…maybe they like lavender and wine too 🍷

As for money, if that’s the whole issue, it’s being shown as “it’s coming be patient.” You’re right where you’re supposed to be. Ace of Swords can be like a sudden wake-up call or realization, if you’re wanting to make money from something else that’s not your job, like a creative venture, that’s being supported too. You already know what to do, your intuition has told you. All of you. This is confirmation. Some of you can and will transmute your pain or old wounds into money somehow - which is amazing. You didn’t have a real home as a kid, and now you sell homes for a living. Or you’ve always been made fun of for art, now you’re working for a tv station creating cartoons every day. It’s coming & you already know. Or you’ve been told forever and you’ve just ignored Spirit but they’re saying they’ve already told you, maybe in a dream, and have sent messages to you with The High Priestess rev. You may have ignored them or brushed them off. Ace of Swords could be whatever you’re thinking of when I say that, whatever you’ve been thinking of the whole reading, it’s like a light bulb💡and you can see it clearly now.

Pile 6: Black 🖤

JUPITER - CAPRICORN - 5TH HOUSE

- Learn or teach your goals with the trust of a child.

- Be positive about the day-to-day reality of fun, romance, and art.

- Grow and expand, use the most businesslike way and - do it dramatically.

I thought 4 was the most popular, and it’s now the other one, but I stand corrected. That’s the whole point for some of you - what’s coming is better than it was or what it currently is. Yes, you’ve been heard. Yes, you’ll win. Yes, you’ll get everything you’re working so hard for. No, it’s not all for nothing. No, you shouldn’t give up on what you’re doing right now, what you’ve been working towards - because you wouldn’t be on that path if you weren’t supposed to be. And you’d have picked something else, like 4. If you picked 4 first, this is the response to whatever you felt or were thinking of from that. Yes 🙌 You’re on the right track.

Heavy heavy Capricorn & earth energy here, in literal signs, plus the most beautiful Queen of Pentacles card I’ve ever seen, and Karma at the bottom of the oracles. This is The Literary Tarot and here she is a beautiful & successful goddess in a fancy gown with feathers, on some kind of throne, very regal - you’ve got this. Doesn’t have to be your sign, it’s your dream, or who you are whether you’ve accomplished this dream or not. But will you? Yessss.

Wedding Rings shows love or marriage, kids with 5th House, that whole dream. Yes! Coffee Cup shows good times with friends, feeling joyful, meeting good people. Yes! Capricorn with 5th shows wanting to create a job or financial opportunity from something you love, or loving what you do, my entrepreneurs here. Yes! Especially working with children, if that’s something you do it’s like Spirit is giving you a big hug, someone here works with kids in rough situations or that’s their goal - big yes! 👏

Queen of Pentacles, 2 Wands, 4 Swords. You’ve gone so far already, you’re now at another crossroads - many of you. Should you take the path of the heart - 5th House. Whatever that is for you specifically. Yes 👏 Is all your hard work paying off? Yes! Will your efforts turn into financial blessings? Yes! Capricorn is often a “no” kind of sign and this whole reading is “yes”. Do you believe it? You should, but you’re also in charge of making it happen. The Sun at the bottom shows whatever you clicked on this hoping to see, wondering if you’ve been heard or if it’s even known by Spirit what you want - yes! The only thing you shouldn’t do is quit, or give up.

The advice is to Push for more Insight before you Evolve. Learn about the things you want to do, feel more confident and prepared, do it with intention & knowledge, and watch it grow into something you love - 5th House. Some of you are getting back in touch with your inner child and will expand beyond your current circumstances, perspectives, and life generally - all positive things. The Sun is the happiest card in the whole deck; recognition, achievement, joy & happiness, light shining through any darkness/confusion/fear that existed before - all for the better ☀️ This whole pile is simply for Spirit to confirm what you already know - and it be deeply personalized despite being so general. Yes 👏 Transformation at the bottom, big changes, and every card is here positive & wholesome. If it hasn’t happened yet, it will eventually, just enjoy the ride.

[snowblossomreads]

Day 1 - December Moon

Pairings: Sinclair Bryant and Miserableness (LOLOL)

Summary: In where Sinclair decides to step away from the thing that has hurt him the most.

Tag(s)/Warning(s): Mentions of an affair, angst

A/N: AHHHH IT'S RICKMAS AGAIN YALL!! WE ARE BACK FOR ALL THE ALAN FICS!🎉🎉🎉 As always thank you to the v awesome and v talented @deepperplexity for hosting and coming up with the amazing (and very difficult) prompts💖💖💘! Lets start this year off visiting our sweet pupper🐶 (even if he is quite sad)

He didn't think it would have come to an end so soon. Truthfully, when he married her, he didn't think it would ever end with how happy he was. 

Especially not like this. 

But just like the bitter chill of the English wind during winter, his marriage had turned cold and bitter. He should have known that after the summer affair, it wasn’t going to last.

How naive was he to think that they could just go back to what they were? Pick up the pieces of his shattered heart that she had left lying on the ground. 

He waited for an apology. Anything from her that showed that she regretted what she had done. Hell, he had even asked her if it was something he had done to make her want out of their marriage. He would change, he would do it for her if she told him because he loved her. She was his wife, and he wanted to make it work.

Yet there was nothing. She went on as if nothing had happened.

At his suggestion of maybe some couples counseling, she agreed to it, yet when it actually came time for it, she was unresponsive. Dismissive of everything when the counselor tried to bring up what may have caused her to try to find someone outside of their marriage to fulfill something in her. 

Yet nothing.

He remembered afterward, she had told him she would see him at home and went off back to work without a word. Not even staying to discuss the session, or even caring to go to lunch with him when he asked.

He cried in his car that day. 

Their marriage was effectively over at that point. Not even two years in and it had imploded. Was he really this bad at love? It was embarrassing really.  Even his playboy cousin's marriage lasted longer than his, it even ended more amicably than his was probably going to. 

Yet, it took him months to decide that he had had enough. Enough of the pitiful looks that his friends would send his way when they thought he wasn't looking. Enough of the constant worrying that when she was out, she was cheating on him. Enough of the unwillingness to acknowledge what had happened, and how much pain he was in every day not having even received a single apology.

He was tired of being tired and he had enough. If she didn't want to help fix what was broken, then there was no point to this anymore.

"I need a favor," he stated plainly when the other person picked up the phone.

"A favor or a solicitor?"

He had an appointment for the next day by the end of the call.

Francis was the name of the solicitor. Older, stern looking as if he never smiled before, and extremely qualified. With how much he was charging for a consultation he better have been. 

They talked for probably no more than an hour. All his questions were to the point and no unnecessary filler words were spoken. The complete opposite of Sinclair really.

"On what grounds are you attempting to file for a divorce?" "Children?" "Prenup?" "Trusts?"

The twinge of annoyance, or more like the look of when you don't want to tell someone what a daft decision they had made, that was on Francis' face when he replied there had been no prenuptial agreement signed would have been comical if it wasn't for, well….everything else.

By the time they were done, Francis had accepted his case, and told him that he would be in contact by the end of the week on how they would move forward.  He was thankful for the speed, yet still in his heart, he was unsure. Logically, and he prided himself on being logical, he knew it was the right thing to do. There was no use pursuing something that couldn't be fixed. 

Yet in his heart, he wanted to fix it. But what could you do if the other person didn't care enough to try and do the same? Marriage was a partnership, and you were a team. But when someone didn't want to play ball anymore, then it was over

It still hurt though.

He said good night to Frances. Thanking him for meeting on such short notice, and staying later than normal to discuss the process. 

Stepping out of the office and into the crisp London air, he couldn't help but look up and notice that the sky had been awfully clear recently for December. Usually, it was dreary day in and day out but today, along with the Christmas lights that sparkled and illuminated the streets with joy, the bright moon was also shining down on them.

It was majestic. Beautiful. And he thought about rushing back to the estate just to be able to look at it from the backyard.  Bask in its light as it reflected on the river that ran behind the house.

A smile, a sad one, found itself on his lips at the thought of being more excited to return home to look at the moon than to see her. Who would have thought things would have turned out like this?

Gazing at it for a bit longer, a memory, hazy at some points yet clear at others, formed in his mind. He remembered someone he loved years ago telling him that a December moon meant letting go of things that no longer served a purpose. That it ended a cycle, so that you could start anew and fresh in the new year.

He had audaciously retorted that it was a rubbish idea and that you should start anew whenever you wanted. A calendar shouldn't dictate that. Time was a man made concept considering she was used to celebrating two New Year's in one year.

She had laughed so hard at that. 

A sigh left his lips, the warmth of it lingering with the chill, allowing him to see it as he glanced at the moon for a second longer. 

It was in looking at its beauty and remembering what his friend had told him, did he decide, that even if it was painful, even if there would be more gossip. Even if his parents were disappointed in him after wanting him to marry for so long.

He didn't care. 

It was there on the sidewalk next to his solicitor's office did Sinclair decide with finality that he had to let go of his marriage. 

For himself. For his happiness. He deserved it.

Didn't he?

A/N: Ahhh poor puppy, he didn't deserve such heart break and very much deserves happiness 😭😭😭 I promise he'll be getting some!! Anyways that's a wrap! Please let me know how you liked it and how much puppy is a cutie!! See ya tomorrow for another story!

[automaticdata]

This could just be me having a bad memory of the previous seasons or something, but I've been noticing how a lot of the skill Scott has staying alive in the Life series is mainly through reputation.

(Under a cut because it got very long. Also, spoilers for session 7.)

Like, there were multiple times when hostile yellow or reds decided not to go after Scott because he was Scott, so they assumed they'd fail. When he knew he'd be a target, he sacrificed himself to Pearl at the end of the session. Even when he gets killed by a trap or direct PVP, people express surprise and sometimes just attribute it to luck. Scott himself seemed to blame himself for Mumbo being able to trap him and said he needed to be more vigilant/paranoid.

And this last session he just ... idk. Pearl was so shocked that Scar killed Scott, and even said "oh you must have done it when he was a chicken," but Scott revealed himself to the hostile red. Scar had already tried to chase Scott down and killed wildlife in an attempt to kill him, and he had just seen Scar punt Martyn off the mountain. Him speaking up there was very unwise.

Then he gets killed by the man who has been after him for multiple seasons, by a very simple trap. Logically, he should have known the second Joel turned yellow, he'd go back to hunting down Scott, but he still got caught in Joel's trap.

So here's my thought: Scott isn't as skilled as people think he is. He's very perceptive of traps , leading to a lot of failed traps which is what people remember. When he gets caught in a trap, he puts the blame on himself rather than the skill of the trapper. His perception and his reputation are his two biggest skills.

And in this session, he got overconfident. He thought his reputation would be enough, but he was faced with two people who don't care about his reputation - Scar and Joel.

With Joel, Scott is so used to him becoming "unhinged" early on and gunning for Scott that I think Joel's new approach this season completely caught Scott off-guard. Joel was the last green, and so he was the last person to get permission to kill. Scott had six and a half episodes of Joel not gunning for him, where Joel was doing extremely well. Even though Scott is well-aware of his rivalry with Joel and was even commenting about it on a recent live stream (one of the Christmas SMP streams), it just didn't click in his head that Joel would be hostile once he wasn't green any more. So he let his guard down, let his perception lapse and counted too much on his reputation to protect him.

Scar is someone I'd argue that Scott frequently underestimates, even dating back to Third Life. Scar got lumped in with Jimmy in his mind as "bumbling husbands who need to be protected," and he never really left that mindset. He and Scar weren't facing off with each other in Last, Double, or Limited Life, so Scar wasn't really on his radar as a threat. In Secret Life, he declared that if Scar and Jimmy teamed up the two of them would be out of the series before it even started, again putting Scar's skill level on par with Jimmy's, which Scott doesn't have a high opinion of. Even after the series ended with Scar as the winner, Scott credited himself for Scar's win and Jimmy not being out first because he broke up the "canon event" of them allying with each other.

But here's the thing: Scar is skilled. Scar came second in Third Life, despite being the first red name. He was responsible for three final kills in that season, and all four of his kills that season were PVP. Despite having no allies in Last Life, Scar still got to ninth place, and half of his lives lost were him giving them to other people. Scar was part of the last green pair in Double Life. Scar won Secret Life, despite not having any permanent allies. As Cleo pointed out on Hermitcraft, while people joke that he isn't, Scar is actually good at the game.

As I wrote that, it occurred to me that in terms of reputation, Scar and Scott are polar opposites. Scar's reputation is that of being inept, being caught in death loops, dying in silly ways, and a lot of the time Scar doesn't care. He even says he isn't good at the game and doesn't seem too bothered by it. Meanwhile, Scott has a carefully cultivated reputation of being highly skilled, and anytime that reputation is breached he brushes it off as him getting careless, not a lack of skill. In seasons where gifting lives is possible, he often will let people kill him so they have more lives/time, but some of those deaths also serve the purpose of taking a target off of his back, like Pearl in Wild Life or one of his deaths to Scar in Limited Life. It also serves to cultivate his reputation even more; Scott doesn't get killed, you see, he sacrifices himself.

(He also does stuff like trying to get Jimmy to kill Tango first so Scott can be the last green (Scott's words, not mine) and brush off Martyn betraying him as "I wouldn't have it any other way".)

But would we still be saying Scott is as skilled and untouchable if he didn't give those lives away and they were taken instead?

"But he wouldn't have been killed --"

Are you sure about that? How many times in the Life series has Scott gone out of his way to avoid being targeted, avoid PVP, and instead rely on the social game? How many times have people chosen not to go for Scott because of his reputation alone?

Like, I'm not saying this is bad, per se. But I do think it's a very precarious strategy. Once other Lifers realize Scott's reputation is his biggest asset, that alone makes his reputation less powerful. It's also not a very long-term strategy, because there are people like Joel and Scar who don't care about his reputation, and once the cracks in the reputation start to appear ...

I think that's when things will get really interesting.

[papers-pamphlet]

Shoves all the horny anons away. So who is George? I've gathered he's your main (I think) OC's dad but like what's his deal? Who is he as a person, what does he do, what's he like in his day to day? (Sorry if you've answered similar, I couldn't find any tho! ^^')

omgg !!

Okay so George is a priest !! His main deal is that he's a selfish prick who wants to have his cake and eat it too (indulge in pleasures while also maintaining his reputation as a holy man 😑😑)

This was seen in his affair with Iris, where the lady was completely and utterly infatuated with (this ugly ass priest) him and instead of doing the "right" thing and rejecting her advances, went through with them, and kept it going until he got her pregnant --- and then he IMMEDIATELY dipped because of that, and also word of the affair got out so his reputation was ruined (but would eventually repair itself :/)

She begged him to come back and help her but he did a complete 180 on her: "you shouldn't have tempted a man of god in the first place, you conniving woman !" And leaves her to deal with the pregnancy alone.

When Iris gave birth to Giles, she died, and this MOTHERFUCKER decided to start raising him, not out of guilt or sense of responsibility as his father or anything --

BUT SO HE COULD BOAST ABOUT HOW HE RAISED "HIS SON BORN OUT OF HIS SIN" INTO A "PERFECT", "SINLESS", "GOD-FEARING MAN" !!!

So in raising Giles he made sure to drill in all those religious beliefs and give him a whole lot of Catholic guilt growing up !!! His son is showing signs of inner turmoil, is anti-social and left out by his peers ?? Probably nothing to worry about !

When Giles ran off to fight in the army, he was more concerned about being embarrassed for not looking out for him enough, and when news was brought to him that Giles "died" in battle, he was shocked, but ultimately used it to gain sympathy points.

During his little search for Joseph after the war, Giles did return to George, but only as a confrontation and to confess everything about himself that was terrible; being a sadist who really enjoyed killing those patriots, sodomy, yadayada -- and that was to just put it in his father's face that "I became the exact opposite of what you wanted me to be" and leaving George to live with the shame and humiliation of that lol

In conclusion George Eleison is an asshole priest and terrible father

[bldrdsh]

THE EXPRESSION that crosses Shyngay's face is one of genuine surprise mixed with horror. He had worked off the assumption most gods in the Turkic Pantheon knew of his origins but apparently he had been mistaken. He watches the other man with SOFT CONCERN on his features before shaking his head.

"I would venture to say it's the opposite, perhaps your godhood can be used for destructive purposes, but we are ALL capable of being destructive with our power. When I allow my primal rage to take complete control of me, the destruction I can cause is UNPARALLELED. So you do not stand alone."

He frowns softly. He feels a PANG of anguish as he watches Shyngay further feel the guilt or pain about this entire situation. He's got so much shame in a way that leaves Karthisius feeling raw inside. He knows this pain. He'd felt this pain before. It's AGONIZING to watch, and even worse to have to feel like the best he can do is try and give him encouragement.

"No. No one can decide what you are to be except for you. Take that power back for yourself. Your father & your siblings will not break you unless you let them––and if they decide they're going to try and PUNISH you for reclaiming your existence, then I will be HAPPY to have a word with them myself."

HE STEPS FORWARD, firm in his convictions as he draws in a breath. He MEANS business with this. He has no intention of letting this go, and even less intention of allowing him to be HELD DOWN any longer by a so-called family who would do NOTHING by try and control him.

"You have this vow, so long as I draw breath, ANYONE who seeks to stand in your way will answer to me, and I am NOTHING if not firm in my convictions. As for your safety here, no one will be able to reach you here so long as I exist. This place was created BY ME. No one gets any control over this place unless I allow it. If they try to invade it takes but a snap of my fingers and they are RETURNED from the hovel they came."

"You used to be human?" The surprise hit the god like a ton of bricks, eyes widening as he took a physical step back. Not because he was afraid of the other, but almost as if he wanted to protect what had once been mortal from himself. How long had he and his siblings spent tormenting humanity? Their entire existence, always there, whispering in their ears, nudging and pushing them into making terrible decisions that didn't only affect them but everyone around them.

Not everyone needed a push, some were mere entertainment for him and his brothers and sisters to watch with great amusement without having to lift a finger. But still -- - this god had been one of them, one of their toys, maybe not him specifically, but he could have been, he'd been a part of their limitless toybox. "Then you should know I'm not a good person." Shyngay stated of the other god's instincts, a breath catching in his throat.

The mention of courage only seemed to make him more tense, reminding him of his older brother, Matyr, the physical embodiment of it, one who handed it out to those who needed it most or took it away from those who didn't deserve it. It was a far more admirable ability to have that just pushing people over the edge, making them act out, and rather ironically, despite his brother being the god of courage, Shyngay had perhaps needed a hefty helping of bravery himself.

"What if this is all I am? It's all I'm supposed to be." He couldn't help but ask, wondering if Karthisius would even have an answer for him. What was he? Good? Bad? Something in between? He was supposed to be evil but he didn't want to be, while truly believing he could never claim to be good -- - so where did that leave him? "It's easy for you to say. You don't have the god of evil and sixteen siblings watching your every move." Even now, there was still a part of him terrified that he'd be found out, that they'd somehow discover what he'd been saying. He did well at hiding his doubt around them, playing the perfect part because the alternative was -- - unpleasant. "Are you sure this place is private? Nobody can find out about this. I won't go through it again... I won't."

[spectrumspace]

Cringetober Day 23: Adult Animation ...?

can u be a man and watch wonder pets with me

[dawnthefluffyduck]

feeling of being watched

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

If I could be arsed to learn how to edit videos and had some kind of mic, I would 110% make a two part video essay series on the politics of Jurassic World because MY GOD, there's so much to dissect.

The first part would be about how the park is the epitome of neoliberal futurism for techbros, including the way the park so easily falls apart though I doubt that aspect is purposeful. Everything is aesthetic first and function second, and we can't possibly use any of the reliable infrastructure we've already come up with because a train is not gonna get us to Mars, but a monorail might.

And the second would be about the buckwild terrible gender politics going on. The movie is deeply unsympathetic to Claire seemingly because she's a woman who prioritised her career as it's both centre to her character arc and also an inciting event of one of the plots. Not to mention the whole Zara thing or the Owen and Claire thing or the stupid "him, I meant him, line. The movie is rife with misogyny, but it feels like that specific misogyny was isekaied over from backlash to second wave feminism.

I could talk about it all for so long because in a way, it feels like a perfect time capsule for 2015. Back when people took Claire running in heels to be this feminist statement to be made fun of and not just a deeply misogynistic movie trying to sell you feminism. And back when Elon Musk managed to get away with his "I'm the real life Iron Man" shit, and people believed he was smart and all his plans would come to fruition. 2015 was a great time to be a tech bro in Silicon Valley with people just throwing money at all your fake promises.

Yeah. See. This is what I mean when I say I could talk about it forever.

[rawliverandgoronspice]

I don't get why people hate the timeline so much, its not like you can't pretty much completely ignore it when you play the games. The only time it even approaches mattering to the story is when there is an explicit sequel like botw and totk or zelda and zelda 2

Hey sorry your ask got lost in the sauce of my broken tumblr, but: yeah!

I mean, I get why in some sense. It's been a heated point of debate and I think some people understandably resent the space it has taken not only in fandom discourse, but in how people began to understand the game and its narrative aesthetic choices. There is such a thing as over-rationalizing everything to hard logic, and sometimes it's just not the fandom for that --especially when you begin to forget it's all just fan theory and start to forget what the games are supposed to be like and evoke beyond just strict facts displayed in a linear way.

What I think bugs me with TotK in particular is that it both evokes and relies on continuity and the idea of a timeline, of archeology, of history itself, while being so loose and vacant with it that it both is doing Timeline Shit while also completely failing to understand why some parts of the fandom were invested in Timeline Shit to begin with.

But that's just my two cents of course!

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 12: In Outer Space (Cool Places)

Oh boy, it's finally here!! Having been a Sparks fan for nearly a year by that point, I finally got to an album I just straight up don't like! I honestly forgot by then that this was even a possibility. But a world where I can enjoy everything in such a vast catalogue of a favourite band of mine would be too perfect. It would be pretty strange and unsettling even. Not to always make it about my other favourite band whenever I'm talking about the first, but with TMBG also I eventually got to that one studio album release that I just couldn't bring myself to like, no matter what. So I think I discovered a bit of a personal repeating pattern here.

Alright then. My verdict on this album, which already got a pretty mixed response from fans as far as I know, is that it's not very good, or at the very least, it's not for me. Even the songs I like here I mostly like in the sense of, well, this one I could listen to again outside of the album every once in a while, but they're nowhere near being an actual favourite (besides one song, or two, mayyyybe four if I'm feeling particularly generous).

So I think that my main problem here comes down to how the arrangements / instrumentals seem rather empty to me but not in a cool minimalistic way. And, dare I say, they're pretty damn uninteresting - very few elements of suprise or anticipation to be found here. This is the only Sparks album that just... doesn't feel Sparks to me. (And that's coming right after Angst, which might really just be one of the most Sparks-like of Sparks albums in a way). Something is TERRIBLY missing here and a couple catchy melodies and fun synth lines aren't enough to make up for that. It drags on quite a bit and is underwhelming to listen to as a whole. With only a couple moments of change and something more interesting and engaging. It's this sort of situation where I feel like the whole time I'm waiting for some kind of resolution that never happens ultimately. First instance of me putting on a new Sparks album and forcing myself to sit through the whole thing. And last one I hope! (and expect...? well, better not jinx it)

Ok, having said all that... This will be a historical event because I can't finish this post before I have my obligatory listen to the album of the day on its day. So, time for some real time documentation of my changing opinion, or lack thereof. Time to hear IOS in it's entirety for the first time since april!

...Ok, I'm glad that I didn't say all this in vain at least, LOL! Because I'm still underwhelmed! No major change here. Definitely still not something I'm going to return to more often than very occasionally and the "waiting for nothing" effect was very present and real once again. And it just dawned on be, but do most of these songs not have a bridge?? Maybe that could be part of why it all feels pretty predictable! But alright, as per tradition, let's look at some highlights anyway.

Favourite songs (and other highlights):

Cool Places: never felt in any strong way about it but repeated listens made it an enjoyable little ditty over time, lol. One of my first impressions here was how LOW Russell's voice is, this must be the lowest he's ever sung, right?? And oh, quick shoutout to the 21×21 version of it too

All You Ever Think About Is Sex: ok, this one's really cool and exactly what convinced me that the rest of the album would be enjoyable in the same way. Not for me unfortunately!!

Please, Baby, Please: my definitive fav here that I like a whole lot and that for whatever reason doesn't seem to have any of this album's problems that I described earlier. And I'll always be partial towards songs that I can interpret as being aspec-coded, thanks to my predisposition to do that as often as possible

I Wish I Looked A Little Better: very similar case to All You Ever Think About Is Sex

Dance Godammit: it's funny. It's fun to listen to sometimes

[mytumblogforgames]

y'all seriously overestimating just how much solavellan will even matter. you know the romance in DAI was a single cutscene right? where he dumps you lol. comparatively the least content by far. and this game isn't about the inquisitor. yes it's about Solas but he may or may not have this relationship with last game's player character so, it isn't going to be given center stage. I get being annoyed with the obnoxious chronically fandom-pilled online teenagers and Disney adults, but they do this bullshit in every single space they take up. just ignore them and the rage inducing algorithms of modern social media

instead of being pissed off that one of only two vital choices is whether the Inquisitor said to redeem or stop Solas, how about be pissed off that that decision presumably is what is going to colour your Inquisitor's personality, which now I am left to assume is one of two (.5 for romanced) people, the "redeem" version being you talk soberly about Solas and say shit like "I feel responsible for him... I wish I could convince him to change his mind... He is a good person doing bad things... So sad..." and the "stop" version being you talk aggressively about Solas and say shit like "I feel slighted by him... I wish I had never allowed him access to such resources... He is a bad person doing bad things... So callous..." Like can we instead please be angry that they don't care about respecting the individuality of our different game experiences? This is not about Solas. And this is not about solavellan. It's about apparently the only thing mattering being a check in the box, when the actual experience of this *role playing game* is not universal. Not every inquisitor is going to feel about or respond to Solas in the same ways, even within the confines of solavellan, even within "stop" or "redeem". Like, I have lavellans that romanced him and would treat him kindly, I have some that would treat him bitterly, some that would treat him angrily, some that forgive and some that are furious. Do I get to experience these different possibilities? Apparently not. And it has nothing to do with solavellan. That being a part of the story is not the reason they've limited the flavours here to either one or the other. We shitting on Solas/solavellan now just bc of the most obnoxious voices you could possibly imagine? Ok cool

[mellotronmkll]

Sorry talking about alcohol abuse in this post but I know im far from the first person to experience this but it sucks how all the periods of my life when im doing the best socially are when my drinking is completely out of control and then when I do stop drinking my social life falters because I completely rely on alcohol to socialize and I'm comically completely inept at it when I'm sober and it seems like it shouldn't be that big of a deal but it is. Like it feels like my options are just say fuck it and let myself be dependent on alcohol and have friends or not be an alcoholic and have no friends and be scared of leaving my house. Whatever lol

[inniave]

i think i'm just gonna start posting my music here as i work on it. ive now run out of room on soundcloud and i don't really wanna pay :/ although with 50/90 coming up maybe.... idk. i want to put my music somewhere but also the idea of anyone listening makes me wanna throw myself off a tall building!!!!!! but another part of me wants people to listen sooo. complicated. idk. i'll probably upload things small enough here. at least for now.