#//i really hope you're doing okay
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Apologies for being here so much. But this one is serious and I'd figure I'd go to my favorite.
If possible, can you get Killian here too? Will a message that is.
How do you deal with suicidal thoughts? If you've ever had them and got over them or at least have advice. I just lost my friend to suicide and I'm kinda just done. I've got too much on my shoulders.
Please contact them, both chat, call and text is available. Also try drinking some warm tea, turn on a favorite show, get comfy with your favorite blanket and stuffie, then try to get some sleep. ^-^ Killian and I both have gone through it multiple times, and are speaking from experience. recommendation from both myself and @killianlynch [ooc: and @sanityisforlosers ]
:)<3
#//i really hope you're doing okay#julius the dressmaker#killian lynch#//anyone who's struggling please reach out to a crisis line#//i believe in all of you and I'm so proud of you for making it another day#//you're strong and will get through this i believe in you#/gen
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(✿◕‿◕) die (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)
#MY GIRLLLLLLLL <333333 you're doing amazing sweetie kill them all you deserve to#anyway. coping mechanism. the problems in my life i could solve if society just let me have a death note#this show really is an exercise in patience and suffering i get SO squicked out#by how much the horrible characters and situations mirror the insanity of what's happening in real life#also the revelation that some of the actors are Exactly as shitty as their characters are is. ugh.#but every time i'm like okay i can't take it i need to stop to protect my headspace#i think of kimiko and am like.... no... i need to see my gir....#hope karen gets jucy roles in other shows too PLEASE#the boys#kimiko miyashiro#karen fukuhara#theboysedit#tvedit
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the more I play the more I think lucanis basically knows it's illario who betrayed him right from the beginning (he's had a year in the ossuary to think. not that many people knew where he was going. when you ask him 'did Illario know you'd be on that ship' his only answer is the hardest flattest 'yes' you ever heard). so it's not so much about figuring out who the traitor is (because that's ludicrous. we all know. immediately. they didn't really bother to hide it lmao) as about methodically closing off every single avenue of denial lucanis has clung to that whole time with as much or little gentleness as you might prefer until he has no choice but to admit it. because the moment he has to admit it, he'll have to do something -- feel something -- about it. and that's such a catastrophic event in lucanis' inner landscape (he has had TWO people in this whole entire world up until now and will do anything to hold on to them with a heartbreaking child-like desperation, even at and especially through the detriment of his own self) that he'd rather just. not. what if we quite simply. didn't. what if we just stayed here in the emptiness where we can both pretend you didn't hurt me in a way I should never forgive. I have so much practice in that with caterina already it's always worked out great for everyone so far. (press x to fucking doubt but that's trauma logic for you lol)
after everything illario did, so much of the storm of lucanis' emotions around it is 'what the FUCK did you get yourself tangled up in this time and how do I get you out of this mess safely'. what's worse: the fact that your brother murdered you, or that he put himself in horrible danger doing so and thus exposed you to the risk of losing him forever. lucanis' heart certainly has an opinion here and it's fucking unhinged (affectionate)
the themes of dissociation in lucanis' character in general makes me feel nuts. allllll these contradictory messy things he needs to cut off from each other because they can't coexist or be easily reconciled inside him. but all remain stubbornly true separately anyway and will have their due one day. love and resentment. tenderness and fear and rage. terror and longing. love and freedom don't coexist. the burned out golden child anthem is playing in the background. he was always caterina's favourite and he has to keep striving to deserve that dubious honour with every breath he takes and then, presumably, mercifully, some day he will die and be excused and can rest. and until now he's suppressed all the -- natural, healthy, protective! -- negative feelings that threaten the few attachment relationships he actually has, at the cost of ever actually having his needs for connection and safety met and leaving his core self imprisoned and compromised. and spite goes 'what. no. that's dumb fuck that' (*spite voice* I do not understand that and even if I did I would not respect it) and does not allow him to fall back into that, which I think is what saves his life, ultimately. it took being possessed by a demon for lucanis to even contemplate telling anyone he loves 'no' in any way, but hey. whatever gets you there right lol
lucanis is dealing with the freeze response allll the way down baby. and he was even before the ossuary, that just turbo powered it and brought it to a breaking point way before it could happen naturally. but something was going to break eventually no matter what, and I'm just glad that in the end, through the power of friendship and also pure spite, it doesn't have to be him
#I am worried about him all the time. but also: his found family of godslaying maniacs and also the power of love. there are reasons to hope#when there was only one set of footprints in the sand that was the veilguard party holding lucanis in their arms#and going 'excuse you he said no FUCKING pickles!!!' while he's like '🥺should you guys really be -- ' 'YES'#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age meta#there's some messiness to his arc but what mary kirby managed to capture here about how this works. is everything to me#he is so exactly for me. I'm sorry for all the people he turned out not to be for. but not for him being for me#the gift of looking at him and hearing 'you're more than what you're going through' and be forced to annoyedly go 'okay#MAYBE that could be also be true for me. maybe.' he's going through it. and also so much more and the funniest person in the world#he's so worth it to still have in the world!!!!#I'm so glad we don't get to 'fix' his relationship with his family and especially caterina actually#that is stuff that would need to happen on a time scale waaay outside of the one in this game#and there's Something very real in having to go 'this is not for me to decide for you. who you love and what you do about it is yours'
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was overcome with the urge to draw "wade tenderly caressing logan's face while he's Feeling Big Angsty Stuff" and then the parallel urge to do a follow-up of "logan kissing wade's hand/holding onto him for dear life"
(anyway hope you like it - I have been looking at this for too long and so of course I hate it now 🫠 art is hard guys lol)
some details below the cut because I am happy with some small aspects - still really enjoying the painting part of doing Wade's scars for example (thanks again @woof-verine for that inspo it is just baked into my psyche now, and also for being a forever enjoyer of pointy ears Logan - sorry couldn't quite get the fangs in this time but they are there trust me!!)
ps. was listening to She Calls Me Back by Noah Kahan for this one. idk it just hits for me in my poolverine-addled state lol
#poolverine#he's just a sad wet angsty little guy (aka 200 year old perfect killing machine)#(sorry wolvie you're not a killing machine really)#(you're just a lil guy who wants nothing more then to kiss your bf's hands while he tenderly caresses your face)#(and tells you everything is going to be okay)#was listening to the song she calls me back by noah kahan a lot last night#idk man the lyrics just hit the poolverine brainrot so good#like???#“lost for a long time/two parallel lines/everything's alright when/she calls me back”#“look at me and dont you lie/I could be your sacrifice” “I do not exist to die/but live to die while saving you”#“does it bite at your edges/do you lie awake restless/why am I so obsessive/hanging on to every sentence”#gah it is so bad you guys#but also so good#anyway hope these make sense#wolverine#deadpool and wolverine#deadpool & wolverine#deadpool#deadclaws#deadpool 3#deadpool x wolverine#poolverine fanart
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That one time a pose study (looking at art of pretty women and telling myself I was being productive) turned into Portia
#art#digital art#the arcana#the arcana fanart#portia devorak#Wishing all my fellow Portia likers a pleasant evening#At this point I just alternate between drawing Nadia and drawing Portia whenever the crippling brainrot and loneliness become too much to b#lol I hit the tag character limit#“Oh this is precious the straight guy has fallen in love with the only two options” *crowd laughs*#Earlier today I finished 100%ing both Mario Kart 8 and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe so that was pretty cool#That has nothing to do with the art but it's a solid reminder of why I have acquired absolutely zero maidens#My main build is Green Shy Guy in the Tanooki Kart/Leaf Tires and Flower Glider in case you're like the 1 person who's wondering#Oh and after posting this I'm gonna make mac and cheese and watch One Piece cause I recently finished Skypeia and got to Water 7#Kinda worried tbh cause this is like the one everyone talks about#Man I REALLY hope the Mario Kart 8 and One Piece fandoms don't get tagged cause of my yapping but that'd be pretty funny if they did#Man if you read through all these tags I'm sorry jhkdfvbsjh#Okay that's all have a good one
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Yuuta Okkotsu student ID
[Ref under the cut]
Some time ago I had a chat with a friend and couldn't stop thinking about the long nose we imagined him with, after Izuku, I really wanted to do Yuuta too
#I really have nothing to say this time#I hope you’re okay. you're doing great job!#honneydraws ⊹⃬۫🍜̸᩠໋࣪꣹۫#okkotsu yuuta#jujutsu kaisen yuuta#jjk yuuta#jjk fanart#jjk#yuta okkotsu#anime fanart#fanart#my fanart#digital fanart#jjk okkotsu#digital art#digital drawing#digital painting#manga redraw#redraw#art
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EVERMORE by taylor swift (feat. bon iver) — “and i was catching my breath, floors of a cabin creaking under my step. and i couldn’t be sure, i had a feeling so peculiar, this pain wouldn’t be forevermore.”
my #swiftiegiftexchange2024 for @lovesickallovermybed!!!! 🫶🏽🫶🏽
#HIII HII HII how are you <3333 SO sorry for being slightly to the party but HII#i saw that you are currently recovering from surgery and i‘m wishing you all the best and =a faster recovery 💗💗 i hope you’re okay and#are feeling and getting much better every day 💗💗💗#i’m your anon swiftie and it was really nice to get to know you!! 🫶🏽 you’re super super talented and your gifs are so so STUNNING#it was such an honor to be your anon for this event and i had such a fun time making this !#i was SO excited when i saw that some of your favorite ts songs are evermore and idsb. really really sorry i didn’t have the time to make#something for both because my laptop went dead for sometime and i ended up only having the time to make this 😭#evermore the song is something i hold and cherish deeply in my heart too and it was something that has seen some of the worst of my days#and so i decided to do this song for your gift instead!#i can’t really gif much and couldn’t even try#because my laptop in which i had installed ps in went rip so i decided to make you this#(slightly messy sorryy) scrapbook of my view of the song! i tried to incorporate some of the descriptive lyrics and the objects mentioned i#the song and i hope you like it 😁!#and because i think evermore is also something that IS meant to be incredibly personal to the people that listen to it#i decided to include some photos (+added highlights on every lyric that has ever touched me which is almost everything as you can see 😭)#of some of my journal pages on which i rewrote the entire lyrics (except bon iver’s addition 😅) in ‘21 when the song meant to me the most!#i hope you're having a great dayy love 🫶🏽🫶🏽#SwiftieGiftExchange2024#taylor swift#tswiftedit#evermore#*my edits#nadine.mp3
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omg could you do leo valdez with ocd reader 🥺 ... i love how you write him smmmm!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
OF COURSE BABES. first of all for anyone who doesn't know there are a lot of different types of OCD, and no matter what type or types you have, you could not find someone more supportive than Leo motherfucking Valdez. OCD is hard to have and hard to treat and guess what???? he's gonna learn everything he can about it and work with you to figure out how to help you when things are bad and good and all the little uppy downy in between parts.
adding a read more so this doesn't trigger anyone (cw: mentions of contamination, checking, vague mentions of intrusive thoughts, religious ruminations and magical thinking, please do not engage with this post if it could trigger you!!! I love yall <3)
if you have the contamination kind and you're always stuck feeling like nothing's clean enough, Leo understands. He'll take over for you, he'll cast eyes over things and remind you that you did what you're supposed to do and help distract you with something else. He knows to check dates on the groceries he buys you, knows how to help you feel better without accidentally enabling your compulsions.
if you have checking compulsions like relocking doors and making sure the stove is off and appliances are unplugged, he starts doing the closing up routine at night for you. you have a house rule that you're only allowed to check things two times, then Leo will check once for you if you need him to, then he helps you move onto something else. If you're worried that the stove is on and it's going to burn down the house, he never fails to make you laugh by promising to be the one to deal with all the insurance guys.
"Worst case scenario? We pull off the greatest insurance scam in history and retire early to the Swiss alps."
he says it so casually that it never fails to make you laugh, it takes the sting and the stress from your thoughts a little.
if religious ruminations or magical thinking are more your thing, Leo actually knows exactly what to do about that. he pulls out a golden drachma and cuddles with you while he fidgets with it.
"I can get a direct line to any god. If one of them starts beefing with you, I will personally handle it." he kisses you. he mumbles against your lips, and he smiles when he gets you to smile. "I'll also remove every screw, nut, bolt, and support beam in their entire palace and turn everything into breakaway prop furniture."
when your intrusive thoughts get bad he holds your shaky hands and promises that he won't ever let you do anything that could hurt you or someone else, he goes through your affirmations and grounding exercises with you, he reminds you that thought crimes are not crimes.
no matter what your symptoms are or how bad they get, Leo's love for you and deep knowledge that you are an amazing, wonderful, incredible person never wavers. he loves you. he loves being with you, he loves helping you, he loves being the one to care for you. Leo loves knowing that he's able to support you, to ease your burden and make sure you don't feel like you're alone. and you're never going to be alone, because nothing could ever scare Leo away from you. he just loves you too much.
#look if there really are genie rules (aka magical thinking) that bring you down I go dow#with you and we BOTH go down swinging#tw ocd#tw: ocd#cw ocd#cw: ocd#ocd#ocd mention#leo valdez#leo valdez x reader#leo valdez drabbles#heroes of olympus#heroes of olympus x reader#heroes of olympus drabbles#speaking from experience if you couldn't tell lol#yk that tiktok that's like “the cheese is under the sauce”#that's me making sure there's no mold on my food (I already know there's not)#love being in therapy!#in my case specifically love that Leo's just like#he's such a fucking PEACH#I love him so fuckin much#leo when I'm stressed about smth: “what do we do to fix this”#me with a fuckton of religious trauma: “pray harder”#leo: “no-”#but yeah he loves you and supports you#he really is your lighthouse in the turbulent sea of your own mind#he's steadfast and you know that he is#you really get each other through so much#also anon I hope you're doing okay!!! I hope you have whatever resources you need <33 /gen#and I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO HELP PEOPLE IN ANY WAY but if you ever need resources or smth you can always shoot me a message and i'll do my be
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You should in fact infodump about poptropica, also have you considered doing a DCA Poptropica crossover to unite the interests together?
1) I love you so much dude I hope you're doing well 2) poptropica infodump would take AGES this thing has lore so I will spare you a ramble for now 3) I . HAVE NOT. BUT COULD YOU IMAGINE SUN AND MOON WITH THE BIG BOBBLE HEADS
no? because I can
oh my god they look so much more cursed than I expected I'm laughing my ass off
#guys new au? poptropica dca au anyone?#where they just look like this thats it#my art#dca fandom#sun fnaf#moon fnaf#also friend if you really DO want to hear a poptropica ramble#you have to ask about a specific island#because just dropping all of the lore is way too hard#like first decide if you want book lore or game lore#(thats right there is a book)#and then we go from there#i could tell you aaaaalll about my favorite island though#cryptids my beloved#harold mews ny beloved#OKAY OKAY BUT YEAH YOU GET THE POINT#i fr appreciate so much that you are always asking me to info dump about my interests though<33 i love you so much#just know this isn't me trying to avoid talking about it there's just SO MUCH to talk about its hard for me to focus!#but yes thank you again man <3 i love you hope you're doing well#we should chat again sometime#ask#poptropica
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i am now officially in 2025 so happpppy happy happy new year my lovelies<333333333333 thank you for spending your time with me here thank you for letting me do whatever it is that i'm doing thank you for reading my silly little writings it all means the fucking world to me!!!!!!!!!!! i hope this new year will be gentle with all of us i hope it will be good and fun and exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope we will all find jobs and our dream homes and i hope our health will get better aaand i hope we can all do the things we love and enjoy and that we get to hang out here aaaand that we will keep cheering each other on!!!!!!!!!!!!!I LOVE YOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!
#i am soooso proud of all of you#it has been a Year#but we have made it yayyyyyyyy#i've made so many great friends and honestly.. i have no idea where i'd be without you guys#i love you#thank you for everything<333333333#i will try to get better and do better and give more back because well . you all deserve the best of the best okay#and that is a fact#sorry i can't really express how i feel like this but i just really really hope you know how much i appreciate all of you#i will try to get better at that too#thank you to all of my lovely followers and my anons#thank you my dear mutuals#thank you for being so patient and so supportive#i genuinely couldn't wish for anything more you're all so fucking good to me#thank you thank you thank you#MWAH AND MWAH AND MWAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!#mayor of loserville
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(˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)
#I've had the cutest interaction today#So like yesterday? There was this post I saw on my dash that was like “you want to know extra info about museums? Just befriend a–#guide! That way you can also unlock the Secret Backscene” and I was like. Lmao. Who could ever befriend a museum guide I've never–#even personally met anyone who works at museums?#... Well. Guess what happened today#I was following this guided museum tour with a friend and when the tour came to an end I was happily chatting with her when the guide.#Shyly chimed in and was like “is that an Atsushi keychain?” And I was like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#And I was like‚‚ omg‚‚‚ Do you happen to know‚‚‚ This one series‚‚‚‚‚‚#And they unsheathed their phone like a fbi distinctive in American movies to show me their fyo/zai background amjdsgawsjda it was SO cute.#They were adorable. And I got so embarassed but trying to keep my cool while internally I was like‚‚‚#Omg the Cool Museum Guide™ is talking with me about my hyperfixation‚‚‚‚‚‚ What is happening#We talked a bit about the manga it was such a nice and sweet exchange. They said they like Dostoyevsky and I was like yeah he's so cool!!!#They said they're sorry about Bram it was REALLY cute (´;ω;`)#I didn't want to hamper them too much so I took my leave shortly after but I'd actually really like to pay visit again–#when the new chapter is out??#Hhhhhhh I don't want to look stalkery and like go look for them on their job. But also like‚ they looked genuinely happy and as excited as–#I was when we were chatting and I believe in the power of human connections through shared hyperfixations#The possibly funnier part is that then my friend went “Wait you're into b/ungo stray dogs??” and like alright. This is less surprising.#I already knew she likes manga.#What actually left me quite baffled was that... She really didn't know I was into b/sd. When it's literally what I think about 24/7#Something very similar happened just a week ago. My friend gifted me a manga volume of a series she really likes for my birthday#But when she was giving it to me she awkwardly went “oh‚ just‚ it features romance between two guys. I hope that's okay with you...”#And I internally had to pause and realize that no.#In fact most of the people I hang out with don't know I spend half my time curating a bl focused blog.#It's just funny in a way? I got so used to concealing my hyperfixations I didn't even realize I actually got quite good at passing–#for someone who is normal about stuff.#random rambles
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As per ONE mention that someone would like to see the Jan version of the Gossip Girl post, I have done it again. I have made a feature length film interpretating the "wimp-ification of Jan". I did not find the Jan post as outrageous and funny as the Nace post, so I had to over-compensate with my own jokes. (Video length 6 minutes) (the Jan post was literally shorter– six...six minutes???) (I can't control myself)
#joker out#jan peteh#i had every single technological issue that could have occured making this video#i ate so much candy while making this video#and i feel like i went crazy making this video#you get into a band one day and all of a sudden months later you're editing their faces onto a Fast and Furious clip???#i hope this video is okay#i thought i did a really good job editing Jan falling in the woods#again i also cut out certain parts of the original post because i did not know what to do with them#don't want to encourage the gossip girl lurker to strike again...but I do have fun doing these things...#added tags: I am completely unserious about wanting that account to keep posting things#I made these videos purely in mockery because ABSURDITY#There is only one thing that this account deserves#and that is pure mockery.#say stupid shit and get mocked
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youve mentioned not being interested in prize figures anymore & im curious why? like if a prize figure was coming out you liked the look of, would you just not get it on account of it being a prize? or is it not as strict? ive been a prize only collector for ages but started investing in scale figs in the last 2 years (specifically more "flashy" ones with lots of detail, unique bases etc where it genuinely feels worth the steep price increase since some scales are just really basic in design & quality which feels like a waste of money imo), however i still buy prizes if i like the design/sculpt/character, my fav ever prize figure i own is actually the luminasta modern china miku & i dont see her nearly enough cause shes stunning honestly :3 sorry if this is kinda incoherent im sick rn T_T
ah no it's not strict, it's really not a rule or anything but just more of a pattern i guess! i do still own 11 prize figures i love (excluding all the ones i'm selling) and have 1 on my wishlist, but all my favourite figures i own are scale figures. i just really love the fine details and intricate poses my fav figures have! prize figures can be and nowadays very often are beautifully made but you just can't add a big intricate base to a figure that's supposed to cost $30. i guess to put it simply, prize figures often don't have my personal favourite things about figures.
now this might sound silly but i think i do also have a slight negative association with prize figures. i used to struggle with a severe buying addiction (babe wake up new dailyfigures lore just dropped) in a period while i was also unemployed and it was like uhhh top 1 worst times of my life. i barely had money to spare but to feed the addiction i bought any prize figure i could get for less than like 15 bucks on ebay auctions. obviously those weren't figures i really truly loved so i would only feel shame and regret when i looked at them. when i recovered and got a stable job i was able to buy the more expensive figures i did truly want and those did genuinely make me happy.
like i said i know it's silly to project my own previous issues onto innocent pieces of plastic but i think a small part of me is like "oh god no please we are not doing this again" when i'm thinking about buying a prize figure. mental illness am i right ladies haha um. anyway i guess long story long. i just lost interest in prize figures along the way but if i really like one i'm not against buying it
#we are really getting up close and personal on this thursday night zoowee mama#btw it is possible none of this makes sense but i do very much believe addiction is one of the things that can never really make sense-#unless you've experienced it and i really hope none of you have so it'd be okay if none of this made sense#OH also anon that miku you mentioned is sooo cute i love her too! and sorry you're sick i hope you feel better soon!#ask#anon#non figure
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I feel like I'm digging myself deep into a hole and finding nothing, trying to figure out more about In-ho's family
#i've been hyperfixating for probably over an hour#just googling and looking at pictures and squid game wiki and using google translate in hopes that it's not translating wrong#i'm tired#this hyperfixation is strong#but idk i'm not getting anywhere#all i found out is that gihun's mom and junho's mom have the same first name for some reason#idk is mal-soon a common korean name?#also i found out that the data they get for the files on the players is just data that you can find by looking a person up enough#because in gihuns file for family there isn't any father listed and the same goes for inho#also for inho the only parent that is listed is his stepmother and not his actual mother#also junho was born when inho was 16#that's not a hidden detail that's just math#anyways#idk they could be not putting names of parents because it's important or maybe it's also entirely unimportant#i'm rewatching (or trying to) season 1 actually for an entirely different reason but i've been hung up on this for too damn long and now#it's getting dark outside and i feel like i#*like i've wasted my whole afternoon for basically no information#idk i'm thinking too much about backstory but if we look at seasons 1 and 2 we can see that squid game is really not a backstory heavy show#ore more like#there's not really any flashbacks and most backstory stuff/stuff from the past is only ever mentioned in like a throwaway line#if we're talking about family and all that#anyways i need to Stop or i'm gonna freak out#okay i'll tell you what i actually wanted to do and that's draw#and specifically do that 'do you think we would find each other in every universe trend' with saebyeok and jiyeong#but for that i need to watch the marbles game conversation they had and so i'm watching until that maint now#*point#so#if you've read up until now you're welcome or i'm sorry... idk#squid game#hwang in ho
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you have my soul, you have my heart ♡
#LUCY#Band LUCY#Shin Yechan#Choi Sangyeop#Cho Wonsang#Jo Wonsang#Shin Gwangil#LUCY fanart#take 2 because i'm a distaster and posted this on the wrong blog haha#still figuring how out to tag these lol#kitkatart#i did it!! it's finally done!! on time!!!#well maybe not on time but in time lol#2022 encore concert live clip of flare my love#flare really is one of my absolute favorite songs#no matter how many times i hear it i fall in love with it every time#but this version in particular is so magical :)#i was thinking i might make a few freebies of the individual member versions for the vancouver show#do you think people would like that? i've never made freebies before so i'm not sure!#i think i'd be too shy to post about it and then hand them out but we'll see haha#okay back to chores and concert prepping again#i cannot believe i'm going to two lucy concerts and then have a work conference like two days after#i was only going to go to one concert but was convinced to go to a second at the last minute. to be fair it didn't take much convincing#this really did take forever but part of that is probably bc i haven't drawn anything real in like more than a year#also was i testing the procreate layer limit or was the procreate layer limit testing me lol#okay i'm done now i'll stop yapping :D#i hope you're all doing well!!#UPDATE: i did pass these out as freebies and also to the lucys AHHH#I will never be over seeing them live and getting to meet them oh my gosh#they were soooo amazing and so so so sweet 🥺 other walwals at the concerts were also so nice!!
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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