#//here's a lighter post compared to that last post because i really needed it

[mechahero]

//Still can't find the stiletto heel post (because tumblr search is SHIT) so separate post but Lambda's nails are somewhat based on stiletto nails.

[veranavera]

PSA: most trans people on hormones don’t pass after a year. I think the prevalence of “passing at 11 months!!!” type stories has given a lot of people the impression that somewhere around there is when people start to look like what they want. And like yeah, some people do, and fucking great for them, but you don’t see nearly as many people talking about how they don’t pass at that point because a) people share those things online less often and b) those posts get less traction because they’re heavier

Me? I passed for the first time at 7 months. I passed for the second time at 19 months. That fucking sucked. I felt like I had been given exactly what I wanted and watched it get taken away from me, and the idea that I should be passing more regularly in the months following really ate away at me and made me feel like I “failed” in my transition - I legit thought that I would never pass

It certainly didn’t help that, in addition to overwhelmingly seeing narratives online of passing early in one’s transition, every piece of medical information that was presented to me said that most changes would happen over the first two years. Maybe I was deluding myself, but baby trans me thought “oh that means I have two years to transition or else I fail because hormones won’t do anything past that”. And that ate away at me more than the not passing, cause I felt like I was “missing my chance” at having the body I wanted

And boy was I wrong, in the last year (my third year on hormones), I feel like I’ve seen more changes than I saw in my first year. My boobs are filling themselves out, my body hair is getting even lighter, my skin is noticeably softer even though I stopped moisturizing/doing most of my previous skincare routine. Hell, even my hips and ass have gotten wider. And this was *all* during an era that the medical information I was presented with gave me the impression that any changes that did occur would be minor

To show you what I mean, compare one of my first trans-flag photos, taken at 11 months on e, verses a semi-recreation I did earlier today at 33 months on e (same clothes and roughly the same pose/lighting, different mountains)

Notice a difference? I sure do - and to prove to you that this happened in the third year, here's a similar photo of me in between these two at 23 months on e:

I’m usually not one for transition timelines, mainly because my whole project is kind of a transition timeline, and if you wanna look through and see more of what I'm taking about feel free to either scroll a few posts down on my blog, or check out my google drive with all the photos from my projects. The difference doesn't look *too* dramatic to me, but some people I know irl have expressed that it is

Regardless, the point I'm trying to make here is that my experience on hormones was *not* passing at one year - and that's the experience of the vast majority of people I know who've been on hormones. Puberty takes many years, and yeah, that can suck to hear when you're expecting it to take two, but trust me, it's a healthier mindset to think of yourself as continuously moving in the direction you want, rather than waiting to arrive at a particular destination

If you've started hormones in the last year, be sure to give your body the time it needs to make the changes you want - transitioning is a marathon, not a sprint

[marigold-hills]

The Dark Wizard

preview! Wolfstar Howls Moving Castle AU a tiny little bit of the next work I’ll be working on. Posting will begin in December :) massive thanks to the groupchat for checking this over before I posted, you are the absolute best ❤️

✨✨✨

When Remus leaves his hometown, it’s not to seek his fortune, or adventure, or – gods forbid – love. He leaves because he’s a monster, and monsters do not belong in society. They belong in the Waste.

This is how it happens.

It’s May Day. The village of Hogsmead is abuzz with excitement. Revellers and drunks, lovely dressed up ladies and dapper gentlemen circling one another, for propriety's sake staying respectable distances away. The gentlemen whistling at the ladies, the ladies pretending to be aghast by the behaviour, covertly blushing and giggling.

It’s a perfect day. Sunny, warm, bright.

For Remus, it’s perfect for a different reason.

Everyone is too busy to notice their pockets getting lighter. Too buzzed to pay attention to the man dressed in ill-fitting clothes walking too close to others. A casual jostle is just this - casual. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to raise concern.

Remus has a few pilfered wallets in a hidden pocket he sewed into a stolen vest. It’s easy, this. He’s done it for years.

“My apologies,” he smiles at a man in a soldier’s garb, whose money pouch he just appropriated. This one feels good for more than one reason - the soldier was in the process of accosting a lady who did not seem pleased to be accosted. She takes the moment he gets distracted by Remus and ducks away. Remus would like to say that he makes sure to only steal from those who deserve it, but it wouldn’t be true.

Food is food, and money is money, and both are something he needs to live. Remus can’t get a job, on account of being a monster, on account of how many days he has to take out to recuperate and travel somewhere far enough to make sure he wouldn’t let himself loose on his quaint hometown of Hogsmeade. Since his parents’ passing, this is what he’s been reduced to. 

He’s tall but can make himself look unassuming, with hair once golden-auburn and now grey from the effect of too many full moons. It’s perfect for this job, being easy to look over and hard to describe. He’s young but looks old. Feels old, too, but that’s not something for people to see.

Remus makes mistakes in this work so rarely that he doesn’t notice he’s made one until it’s too late.

He’s following a well-dressed man, waiting for an opportunity to strike. The man is exceptionally pretty, with short black curls barely skimming the tops of his ears and a gait like royalty. Remus follows behind him at a stretch, slow and careful, until they round the back of a seedy, dark pub and the man turns around like he is the one who set the trap.

Green eyes like poison.

“Trailing the Wizard of the Waste, that’s brave of you,” the man says with a voice that freezes Remus midstep.

Because he knows better than that. He knows not to go for the people who are dressed overly expensive, with rich black fabrics and shining peacock plumes in their hats. He knows chances are somebody is watching over the really rich. That the possibility of a greater payoff doesn’t compare to the risk of being caught.

And yet here he is: caught.

“Or maybe simply foolish,” the Wizard says. “You don’t look a fool, but such things can be so deceiving, don’t you agree?”

The way his eyes pierce through Remus: all he can think is he knows. Somebody knows. Remus has been found out. 

He turns and runs, tripping over his own feet in his haste to get away. Remus remembers what the townspeople did the last time someone was found out. Remembers the stench of burning flesh.

He doesn’t look back once while he flees, not even when the Wizard shouts “my regards to Sirius!”, to his retreating back. 

✨✨✨

tagging you lovely people who had previously been interested in future works - let me know if you want to be in the list for this one as well :)

@tealeavesandtrash

@moon-girl88

@hoje--aqui

@cocoabutterandbooks

@onion-sliced-apples

@prancingpony42

@digital-kam

@remoonysiriusly

@sweetstarryskies

@a-sunset-outside-my-window

@procrastinatingstuff

@annaliza999

(let me know if you do/don’t want to be tagged!)

[starguardianniom]

Asaba Harumasa

Ok so I may or may not be obsessed with Asaba Harumasa from Section 6 now, almost to the same level as Billy, after playing Virtual Revenge. The guy is a riot. Laziest man alive, also troll extraordinaire in his spare time. I love him your honor. And thanks to Hoyo giving me Yanagi, I get exclusives about him too, alongside the rest of section 6 apparently. I'll post more facts about him in another post after this one.

First, he and Yanagi are on last name basis compared to the rest of their collegues, Yanagi calls Soukaku and Miyabi by their first names but always calls Harumasa Asaba, the one time she calls him Harumasa she immediatly corrects herself to call him Asaba, I wonder if there's some history here. Because I can immediatly tell that Yanagi is much more professional and stern with him than she is with Soukaku and Miyabi, I would say blatant favoritism because Soukaku is basically her legally adopted little sister/daughter and Miyabi is her superior but still, I feel Harumasa gets less slack simply because he is more grounded in reality than Miyabi and Soukaku, which frankly is an easy feat. But I would like to know more about why they call each other's last name, Harumasa always calls her Tsukishiro too.

No really, Miyabi is an oddball, but still has a graceful demeanor but you hear her speak and see her act and you know she needs to be kept in line by Yanagi as much as Soukaku and Harumasa too.

While Harumasa is lazy, he is also more normal than Miyabi and Soukaku, though he does like to pretend to be sick and likes to tease people a lot, as we see in Virtual Revenge.

He is also now my second favorite character in the game after Billy. He is my second biggest obsession at the moment and I wouldn't have it any other way. <3 I do hope I'll be able to pull him when he arrives I think I will legit skip Lighter if it means I can get Harumasa. I need my lazy man. I get him though I am also stupidly lazy but unlike him I go and do my job everyday and only call in sick when I'm actually sick so I'm reliable. Helps that I like my job and my coworkers and that I have a pretty good health too.

Ngl I legit thought nothing much of him at first when seeing him for the first time in Hollow Zero all those months back but he surprisingly grew on me freaking fast. Guess I'm a sucker for the only guy of the team in all factions but Victoria Housekeeping, sorry Lycaon you are just ok. And Lighter, sorry you are not Billy, but I like you more than Lycaon, but you are still behind Billy, Harumasa and Seth which is right now my holy trinity. XD I mean look at Harumasa, he is cute. <3 Of course everyone is entitled to their opinions, keep Lycaon I'll keep Harumasa. ^^ Harumasa nation rise up!

[sparkanonymous]

Let's get one thing out of the way; I messed up.

If you want to go more in-depth, read this post. If you don't want to, here's the jist of the situation: For the last year - I think - I have been coloring Raj's skin tone lighter. This is completely and utterly my fault.

I'm not going to make any excuses, in fear that it will give others an excuse for their own deplorable actions. Though I don't see myself as a racist person, this is still an example of colorism, and I can't stand by it.

Total Drama is something I hold dear in my heart, and Raj is one of my favorite characters in the entire series. The fact I did him this dirty makes me never want to draw him again.

I'm so sorry. All I can do is apologize, and that's definitely not good enough. I will do better in the future. I don't want anything like this to happen again, and I won't let it happen again.

There is nothing I can say that'll fix this situation. I have disappointed myself and hurt an entire community of people. I hope I can eventually make up for my mistakes, but I know that isn't possible in a short amount of time.

I don't expect this to be taken lightly; it shouldn't be. If this is the last I see of some of you, I hope you take care.

The rest of this post directly responds to parts of thesicklycowboy's post.

○■○■○

For this portion, I have also edited Raj's hair to be the correct color. (I didn't know where else to put this part, sorry.)

I won't be responding to everything, as I do think the post was well-spoken and something that certainly needs to be said, just parts that I felt I should respond to.

Blue is for them, and red is for me.

"So when you were addressing this and saying "it's color theory" excuse why did you not show your earlier pieces of Raj as well? The ones with far darker hair and deeper skin tones? You only referenced all the ones after after the lightening had begun."

As mentioned before, I don't know when the lightening began. The pieces I grabbed for comparisons were the ones that I could actively get the flats for. A lot of my previous pieces have been deleted from my iPad after being moved to my laptop for storage reasons. While you can tell that Raj is darker in my oldest TDI posts, I wouldn't have been able to color grab the original skin color to compare it to the others, which is why I added ones that I could find the flats of directly off of my page. I do wish I had gotten the flats for the oldest ones, but I can't really do anything about that now.

"The beginning of your ask responses is blatantly false and you contradict yourself at the end? So why keep that whole schpiel at all?"

Here is the part that they are referring to: "I didn't? I think he just looks lighter because of the filters I used on top of it."

I left this in for transparency because I genuinely thought that that was actually the case. But it wasn't. This is why I added, "Looking into the color issue..." I wanted to double check the claim because it very well could have been an issue. And it was.

... "And not yet another piece that is still super light."

Okay. I think I might know what the problem is here in particular. I add texture overlays (the layers with the filter of 'Sl' - Soft Light) to give my pieces... y'know, texture. The layer color I use is usually an off-white. I do this in all of my pieces because I thought it might help with keeping my work safe from AI, and because I like the paper-like look that it gives my art. I didn't put it over the entire piece because the background already has a ton of texture.

The one above is at 50%, and the one below it is at 30% for both Raj and Bowie.

Here is the same piece with the texture overlays turned off:

(Left is w/o the overlays, Right is w/ the overlays)

I don't want this argument to seem like I'm lessening my actions. This is the only thing that I think I have the right to stand up for. Texture is something I most likely won't take out of my work, though I may replace the texture overlays with something that is more full proof against AI, like those AI-disturbance layers that Ibis Paint has.

None of my actions were excusable, but I felt this needed to be explained.

Other than that, though, I don't know what else I could possibly do to fix the piece, considering I have fixed Raj's skin tone in this piece.

○■○■○

The rest of the post is not something I feel the need to respond directly to. I do think you should go and read the original post criticizing me and decide what you want to do in this matter.

This was not a "silly mistake." What I have done is genuinely messed up. I'm not going to run from this situation and say that I was ever justified in my actions. Because I never was.

I can only hope to be given the chance to amend this situation with future works, whenever that might be. I will most likely not continue to talk about this unless asked to. Idk what else I could possibly say that wouldn't make this situation worse. I am the guilty party, and the only thing I can do is learn from this and do better in the future, which I will.

Again, I am so sorry. I have fucked up, and I am prepared to take the consquences of my actions.

[respectthepetty]

Pit Babe Colors Finale

I'm challenging myself with this show and seeing how good my color skills really are, so I'm doing my normal thing of watching it double-speed on mute, but now, the captions are off also.It's just colors and vibes here. It's been a chaotic journey, but it finally ends today, most likely with a character death, so . . .

Disclaimer: I'm just screaming this entire post.

Surprising absolutely no one, Barbara immediately forgave Charles. Like I wrote last week, I'll hold this grudge for both of us, Babe.

If this bastard is still alive by the end of this, there is no justice in the world.

Did he just give them a key to get out? They could just walk through a door, but . . . I'll take it. Kentana is trying to redeem himself. Now, KILL YOUR SHITTY FATHER, and you will earn the top place in my heart.

Don't do it, Way Way. Don't. I see you eyeing that man, but you will take zero bullets for Pete or Babe. Am I clear?! NONE! I don't care if you are wearing white compared to everyone else's black. You will not die. No.

I'm not even going to say shit about these two's colors because BIG RED JUST KILLED A KID!

OH FUCK! HE IS KILLING EVERYONE!

KIMBERLY! I LOVE YOU!

And this is why you deserve to die. Who does something like this? It's not a porn, sir. This is a murder. You're about to die. Not get laid.

WAYMOND, NO! I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING DO THIS! NOOOOOOOOOO!

I know it's blood, but the 'smoke' being red too is great and I need more of it as BIG RED DIES FOR KILLING WAY WAY!

Y'all are letting Big Red talk too much while Way Way is just bleeding out on the floor, and I just need one of y'all to apply pressure to the wound so Way has a fighting chance. Please for the love of God. PLEASE! LET WAY LIVE!

Oh, shit, this is awful. Do NOT think about any good memories with this man who wore red in the past but no longer does for some wacky reason. Those memories are all tainted. He is awful. KILL HIM ALREADY AND GET WAY WAY TO THE HOSPITAL!

I HATE HIM! Barbara, don't you trade your life for Charles. Don't fucking do it. Charles came back from the dead once. He can do it again. KILL BIG RED ALREADY!

OH MY FUCKING GOD, YES! I LOVE KENTA! KILL HIM!

YOU KILLED YOUR SHITTY FATHER! YOU'VE DONE WHAT NO OTHER BL BOY HAS EVER DONE!

YOU WON MY HEART!

Now, someone go hug him! Pete what the fuck are you doing?! One boyfriend is dying and another is breaking down. DO SOMETHING, PETER!

I knew this was going to happen! I knew Way was gonna die taking a bullet for Babe. I knew it, and I'm still upset! WHY?! Why can't Peter have TWO boyfriends?! Why do we always have to kill someone to redeem them and to cancel them out of the poly plot equation. LET POLY HAPPEN!

Fuck, Alan is crying.

FUCK!

I will not be pacified with Jeffrey finally being consumed by blue. I'm still very upset about Way Way having to die instead of Peter just having two boyfriends.

Vegas' Hedgehog, I'm so over your ass! Red flowers?! At Way's funeral?! That is sooooo rude! What is wrong with you?! Read the room, you pretty bitch! RED IS OUT! Way died for the blue! THE BLUE!

I hate this necklace. I hate that Way is dead instead of being taken care of by his two boyfriends. Where the hell is Ken anyway?! Why is he not holding Peter's hand right now? WHAT IS THIS LIE?!

I trust your dad, Barbie, because he is wearing blue, but you have had to cry a thousand tears this episodes, and I pray like GMMTV's First, you stay hydrated because crying can wreck havoc on a thirsty body.

Y'all cannot fuck the grief away in the blue. You can try, but Waymond is still gonna be dead instead of having two boyfriends. This is a real problem, and I want it addressed. RIGHT NOW!

KIMBERLY! YOU'RE BLUE NOW!

Everyone is in blue, and then we have Vegas' fucking Hedgehog in those damn orange pants, and . . . AHHHHHHH *starts throwing clothes around the room and out the window*

Barbie is lighter. He is still black, but now he has the white mixed with it while he looks longingly into the eyes of his Blue Boy (who lied to him several times including lying about his death, pero I'll carry this grudge for both of us, Barbara)

Now why the fuck are you wearing red, Alan?! Why won't this show just let me have nice things?!

So . . . now that this is all over and I, unsurprisingly, did NOT get poly nor Kenta x Pete, I will be unblocking the tags because seeing black boxes on my dash is driving me crazy, and I need to reblog some GIFs of Kimberly, Alan, and Waymond x Peter x Kentana to fill this huge void in my heart where a poly plot would have perfectly fit.

I will never go back and watch this show with subs. Never. Whatever I got from it was exactly what I needed to get from it, and I need nothing else. Because what I got was a boy FINALLY deciding to

KILL HIS SHITTY FATHER

Kenta, you deserve my respect. You loved Pete. You helped all the guys in your own way. You killed your shitty dad. You committed queer wrongs, and I forgive every single one of them. You deserve a happy life, and I hope you are laying in Pete's bed with his arms around you thinking about what y'all will have for breakfast, so he can read your mind and go make it for you.

I like you.

I respect you.

I love you.

And so does Pete.

GIVE ME POLY, DAMN IT!

[bengiyo]

Step By Step Ep 8 Stray Thoughts

Last week on HR Violations, Pat and Put started dating again, but immediately ran into trouble when Pat didn’t have as cute a time making ramen for Put as he did for Jeng. They wrapped up this advertisement shoot, and had Jeng crush one of the managers for being a terror on set. Put ended up feeling like he was on the outs with Pat multiple times, and is definitely aware that something is going on with Jeng and Pat. Chot was our hero as always, and kept anyone from doing anything untoward while Pat was especially drunk, but it didn’t stop Pat from flirting hard with Jeng. Jeng is barely holding on to any sense of decorum with Pat. Meanwhile, Jaab is quite upset with Jen, and has been putting distance between them.

Did Put just say “I love you” like he was activating a trap card? BRO

I think this is very adult of Pat. He knows that he can’t reunite with Put the way either of them wants, and is putting an end to it. Even here, Put is showing why it won’t work. It doesn’t matter if Pat is into someone else now. Put has no rights over that.

Even if he’s playing a difficult character here, by love for Up Poompat is unchanging.

Chot remains my favorite.

LET’S DISCUSS THIS BROWN SUIT ON JENG. This man wears suits so well. I love that the blue in his tie is lighter than his shirt.

We’re using the side couple pretty decently here. Pat and Put are handling their breakup as professionally as possible. Meanwhile, Jaab and Jen are beefing on set.

Lol, never mind about Put. He’s intentionally sowing discord between Pat and Jeng now. Threatening to out Jeng if he moves on Pat is low.

Ae is so funny. “I want my baby to look like Pat. Not you.”

I’m glad Pat’s friends made him realize he cancelled a date.

Not Jeng having a sad, drunk dinner!

No, Jeng! Don’t give up on Pat yet!

Jeng’s friend called him right out on his crush on Pat.

Oh hey we get Jeng in a towel. That’s right, sir. You better look cute for your not-date.

I’m going to need to write a whole separate post about food ordering comparing this not-date with the dinner date from La Pluie Episode 4.

My man Jeng is going to lose it.

This man had them rearrange a whole section of the damn restaurant for him!

Jeng don’t talk about work on your not-date!

If they had to have anyone crash on their not-date, they’re lucky it’s Chot.

I love Chot so much. I also get mad when these kids make me run after them.

Well if it isn’t Oishii keeping the lights on in BL once more.

Pat is going to kill this man with all of these flirty allusions. I’m gonna need Pat to give this man something else to choke on before this show ends…

I did not know I needed Jeng’s internal monologue, but this has been an absolute joy this episode.

Pat having a mini-breakdown because he saw Put’s pictures is so real.

My man Jen is imagining scenarios on his date. Valid.

Okay, Ben didn’t have to bite on that straw like that…

What is this goddamn speakeasy Jeng took him to!?!

You know Jeng must be sprung over Pat because you not getting my clumsy ass on the dance floor.

Does everyone know about this bar??

Oh, Pat. Just like a gay to be crying on the dance floor of a secret gay club.

That was such a gentle confession from Jeng, and I don't even know if Pat really processed it.

Jeng has a hot ex and he's the damn tailor from The Tuxedo!!

Not Pat and Jaab both vomiting in the bathroom.

Oh, Pat, I totally understand you, baby boy.

I totally get Pat not reading Jeng before this moment. When you're gay and have a crush on someone you know you're not supposed to, you learn to ignore the wishfulness rising in you. I'm so excited to see how he handles the reality that Jeng has been flirting with him for months.

[triplefrustration]

i've got like. five different books i'm in the middle of reading right now LOL they all scratch different itches. im going to try to read 52 books this year which seems like a lot but half of what i read are graphic novels so it's not that bad, im already ahead of schedule. maybe i'll post little blurbs on my thoughts as i finish each (would probably be a good brain exercise). "shelving" anything i don't plan on finishing any time soon.

At 30 I Realized I Had No Gender - a memoir by a 50 y/o intersex person living in japan. it's been interesting to see cultural similarities and differences, as well as a perspective from an older trans person, and is usually what i pick up when i want something lighter. it's fun to read just hasn't sunk its claws into my brain like some other books (including books i've read recently that i hated)

Akira Vol 1 - reading through the entire series this year. hasnt grabbed me quite the same way the movie did, i think because what got me obsessed (and i mean a literal obsession) with the movie was a lot of the mood set by music and artistic choices. sup early on, but again my hang up here is just that it hasnt hooked me emotionally so far

The Dispossessed - ok SORRY. im having trouble with this one. i havent read a lot of le guin, my main engagement with her work is omelas. still very early into this one, but the writing style feels very detached and reserved compared to omelas. i assume of course the voices for each piece were developed specifically for the needs of each, which are VERY different but idk. i hope it picks up, if it doesn't i'll try earthsea and if i don't like that le guin just may not be for me:/

goodnight punpun vol 1 - grabbed this on a whim at a local bookstore today, has been on my list for a LONG time. it's great so far as expected. i generally know that the story gets really dark, and seeing the tone i understand why people get so distinctly unsettled by it. excited to keep reading:) since this one has my attention the most right now it's my book of the week

capitalist realism is there no alternative - i have like one chapter of this left LOL. im awful about reading theory but im just trying to remember how to use me noggin right so i'll worry about nonfiction later. might finish this as a commute audiobook. would shelve this but since i have so little of it left i might as well try and finish it soon

house of leaves - i was so excited to read this last year when i decided to start reading again i picked it up immediately. unfortunately i am still regrowing the brain cells necessary to follow this competently for the time being. SHELVED!

[never-not-ever]

Night before/Admission Day

Of course we're not starting things out on a good note. It was mild, nothing compared to a month ago and how bad it could be but I didn't go to the ER. Honestly I was so done with everything and I think I had a mentality of "if they want to send me out the minute I get to the CEC then fine".

Trying to think of the night before it gets fuzzy which is weird cause I don't think I drank with the ativan. Maybe I did? I have this memory of going back and forth sipping cream soda and hard cider. But I can't remember if it was that night or another night. I remember taking 2 pills with celsius and I think I made a post about it on here if the two cancel out? But I can't remember taking the other 2/last 2 pills I had left.

Honestly it would explain the void in my memory. Like I didn't go to sleep, didn't even try to sleep that night yet I can't remember the hours up until I showered around 8:30? I actually think I was running late and was afraid I'd be late to my 10am admission, but like what would it have mattered if I was lol. I have a time stamp of the scale at 9:14am. Which speaking of that horrible thing... Ugh last year when I went inpatient it I was 36lbs lighter!! Jesus christ. I'm only up 15lbs since the day I discharged back in August. Which means I gained 20lbs during my entire admission. But my weight was constantly going up and down. I remember back in January I weighed less. I never did the weigh ins on Sunday the entire time I was here. Except occasionally but I made it a "blind weight for them" and weighed myself like in the corner so they couldn't see the number.

Okay moving off the topic of weight which has nothing to do with this post....

The night before I came here I kept procrastinating cleaning and laundry and packing and even when I had all my clothes and luggage in the kitchen on the table and counters I was still putting it off and getting distracted with other things. I think I ended up doing a last minute rush job with vacuuming in my living room. I kind of sort of remember showering and getting ready in the bathroom but the hours before that.. nothing.

I do remember on the drive here I was so tired and we were at a red light and I dozed off and my Nana got so worried.

I was afraid I was bringing too much. Looking at that picture I know the suitcase had clothes, that blue tied handle bag was food and snacks and my tumbler but that black floral bag... I don't even remember what I put in it.

When I got to the Clinical Evaluation Center they take everything (obviously) including my phone. I couldn't even keep a book which was strange but I just ended up sleeping or trying to.

They did my covid test which hurt like a bitch. Funny how some people aren't as invasive and others it feels like torture. Then she gave me a mask (absolute idiot) until my test came back.

I don't even remember the actual intake sessions just that the first one was with an MHS and the second was with a nurse. During all the waiting I hung out in the tv/lounge room and the chairs reclined which was nice. I got a blanket and pillow and tried to nap. I think I snacked on like a banana and pieces of a very dry blueberry muffin. Then I met with a doctor and talking about meds was fuzzy cause I told her how I stopped them and wasn't really taking them but then said how I'd take my prn and sleeping med occasionally.

I think I finally got up to the unit a little before 2pm because I remember the announcement for the 2pm fresh air walk. I saw some familiar faces especially when I had to wait in the hallway while my room was being cleaned. I saw the two girls (ones actually a few years younger than me and one is like in her 50s lol) saying "girls" sounded weird and like I needed to clarify.

The charge nurse who I always thought didn't like me did my intake and she was super nice and kept saying "hun/honey". She says that to everyone but it made me feel nice. It was very quick, she said something like "do you want me to go over everything or...." and I asked if there were any new rules and she said no and so that was that. She looked at the cuts and scratches on my chest from earlier that morning. I do know that I was honest and mentioned it downstairs in the CEC during my intake but they didn't ask to look at it. Maybe they thought it was the same as my (uncovered) chest and not that bad. But the nurse on the unit put a med consult in to make sure it wasn't infected, it's not, it never is.

I finally got to my room and ironically its one of the ones I was in the last time I was here. Unfortunately it's on the side where you can see in when the door is open. I was on this side for a few weeks in October last year and then I was switched to a single in November while on the 1:1 and after that I was switched back into this room but was on the other side luckily. I was in this room for I think 2 months, the majority with my friend who's still here. It was this room that had mold in it. Right near my bed lmao, and we had to move out.

Anways back to yesterdays boring chain of events. Once I got to my room I immediately tried to take a nap. By this point it was like 2:30ish cause I remember briefly seeing the checks person start her hour. She was one of my favs last time. I tried to sleep but it was so uncomfortable with these hospital pillows and the blanket and pillow I brought had to go through the dryer for 30 mins and I guess it was a busy time in the laundry room. I was trying to avoid having to leave my room but I ended up going to the nurses station to ask for my pillow/double check the stupid rule of it needing to go in the dryer...

I forget what time it was but when one of the cousnelors started her rounds on checks and was all nice and "hey Deb, do you need anything" I asked if she could check on when they'd be able to go through my belongings. Then a little bit later, I honestly don't think it was that much later but two counselors came in with all my stuff and started going through it. I liked those two so it was nice to see them again. We chatted a little while they went through things and then one of them who was strict/good at her job asked in the end "is there anything I missed that's going to pop up later?" and I smirked and was like "is that a trick question" and she was like "just trying to cover my bases". But I didn't sneak anything in from home. I almost said to them "the only thing I was tempted to sneak in was a really nice pen" but honestly that might not have been well received. But it's true. I'm not trying to start things off on the wrong foot especially since this is a voluntary admission and I reached out for help. Like how fucked up would it be if I snuck in stuff to hurt myself with right off the bat. Granted I did that throughout my admission last time when I went out on passes so I know they have their guards up and might even think I still managed to get something in. I don't blame them.

Once I got my clothes and stuff I folded and put everything away. My nurse for the evening came in during my belongings and introduced herself to me. She's new to the unit. I think she came right after I left but I already like her.

We had a check in and I asked her to rebandage my arm because the charge nurse who covered it tbh did a horrible job 😅 and it was way too big and covering newer scars that have been so itchy and irritated lately.

After that I went back to my room and don't really remember the order of the rest of the night but I know I saw those two girls playing cards and got introduced to some lady and younger guy. Then my roommate walked in and they all seemed nice. It became apparant that I knew the two girls from a previous admission and then my roommate was like "oh youve been here before, so you're all set..." sort of trailing off a question of thinking she'd tell me about the unit/show me around lol. She's a little older than me and super sweet. I was talking to one of the girls how it's weird being in our old room and the younger guy chimed in and said something and then was like "oh you guys know each other" and I was like "yeaaa me, blank and blank go way back" and me and the younger girl laughed.

I made some ramen since I already know the food here is shitty. I mean it's not always crap but it's not the best. Last time I resorted to just eating my own food like microwable stuff and snacks.

I think it was around 9 when the older girl texted asking if I was heading to bed or up to chat and so we hung out for a little while catching up and it was nice.

Then I made some english muffins, watched a little Will & Grace and then headed to my room at 11 when they close the common areas.

I "got ready for bed" which I'm going to try to do more while I'm here, like washing my face and brushing my teeth. I was worried spending so much time in the bathroom they'd think I was up to something but it was change of shift and honestly I don't even care.

When I came out I saw this girl who always works overnights and she's the best. It was just a quick hello in passing but it was nice to see her.

I was going to stay up late but I was exhausted and fell asleep before midnight and shockingly without any meds. But it makes sense since I didn't sleep the night before. I also didn't know if my trazodone was even in the system just cause of the weird interaction with the doctor in admissions "I'll put x, y and z in for now and you can talk to your doctor on the unit about the other stuff" and I forgot what the "x, y and z" were lol.

That was pretty much it. As if that wasn’t just 10 thousand paragraphs 🙄

[prettyflyshyguy]

Ok place your bets how angry am I going to get at spn for their handling of S4 Sam because Dean's right.

"So far all you've told me about is a manipulative bitch who uh, screwed you, played mind games with you and did everything in the book to get you to go bad."

Yeah babey I'm tired, it's my day off, and I've braved myself up to tackle the tumultuous S4 because it's giving mixed feelings!!!!

You know the drill. Unhinged thoughts, commentary and screaming under the cut. I've been in full media analysis mode for the last week so it might get a little academic too, who knows.

A warning - I'm not enjoying the Heaven x Hell sub plot. I know, I'm sorry (not really.) I will persist as long as I can but you can't rip seasons 1-3 out of my cold dead hands because I'm clinging to them too strongly. They just hit the spot near perfectly. World's biggest fandom member disappointment, and proud, over here.

Anyway commentary bellow!

S4E9/10 - I Know What You Did Last Summer & Heaven and Hell

Ok so, this is a real topic, and I'm going to tread lightly here, but I appreciate the sinister undertones of Ruby coming onto Sam and him actively pushing back - he's vulnerable, abusing a substance, and she's actively taking advantage of that and doesn't stop after he makes it clear he's uncomfortable the first time. A boundary is broken and pushed through. Very icky. I have seen spoilers for Ruby's character (unfortunately!) and like, have to say, she got me. But I think I'd start to really clue in with this episode that something is deeply not ok - based on that one scene alone.

I am however, deeply worried, that the emotional manipulation is not going to be handled with the consideration it needs (especially with regards to a woman coming onto a man and being too pushy) and it'll be played off lightly. I guess we'll find out. But I'm getting defensive already. Appreciate that Dean clocks it immediately however.

On a lighter note - go psychic boy go

Anytime Dean makes this face I go mental. He looks like a concerned version of the Eyes emoji. Top 10 expressions I have too much fun trying to replicate in art. Buddy being dead for 6 months must've sucked you've missed so much Oh No.

Supremely embarrassed that it ONLY JUST CLICKED that they're doing a whole Sam's with the Demons, Dean's with the Angels thing.

I'll focus in on the most specific shit and then something so blunt will fly over my big idiot head. Amazing.

Ironic of course, and clearly intentional that its cause Sam was always appointed the 'better one' but that's only cause Dean purposefully inserted himself as the moral-fall character as a way to try and protect Sam. Obsessed with that concept, not so much with the heaven v hell stuff.

REGARDLESS, two angels rocking up and Ruby's immediate response being to turn on the demon eyes makes me wonder - is this intentional - did she choose to do this, was an otherworldly force compelling her to do it?

No I'm not just asking these cause I'm cooking up ideas for Sam to get more demonic nooooooo what're you talking about noooooooo

Hilarious that Cas and his mate rock up like "Hello we are literal fucking angels, we want this human woman please we're going to kill her now, please hand her over"

like they can't just yoink her regardless.

And this is starting to stray into "Why Shy really isn't enjoying the heaven-hell stuff in spn" - which I should save for an entirely separate post, but most of it boils down to the stakes don't feel serious anymore, the comparative power levels of character's feels unbalanced, it takes away ANY weight to Sam's personal faith as a character trait, and--

I'm sorry I just cannot get behind any of it. Really dislike it. Unfortunate. Oh well. Sozzles.

Heaven and Hell was a real hard episode for me to watch for a number of reasons and overall, I deeply disliked it, but the ending scene of Dean breaking down was extremely well done so huge props for that. Fantastic writing and acting all through. Much to consider!!

S4E11 - Family remains

The summary for this one looks. Fun.

"And what am I running from?"

"What you told me. Or are we pretending that never happened?"

OUGH. OUGH. AUGH. OOMF. ACK. AUGH.

I appreciate that unlike every ghost hunter I've watched on youtube, this show recognises that EMF readers cannot be completely trusted. 10/10 thank you supernatural. One small little line about the needle being wacky, and Dean noting that there's power lines right next to the house. Love it.

Nice.

I can sense I'm going to enjoy this episode.

I LOVE A GOOD GHOST-HUNTING EPISODE!!

Also love that this episode forcibly made the boys reconcile with the confliction of killing humans vs killing creatures, but the humans were in a way like the creatures (monsters), the same way the monsters can be like humans.

Anyway, tonal whiplash, yet again with this show:

S4E12 - Chris Angel Is a Douche Bag

The Winchesters need worksafe inspector fake ID because It'd be perfect for this episode specifically

I LOVE the three older magician characters. These guys are great.

WHAT

Anyway this is a good bit. This is a really good bit.

Yeah Sammy what kind of kool aid are you drinking?????

That was.... A weird one but a fun one.

Anyway I'm really starting to feel like I want to cherry pick eps but I'm going to hold off. Till I hit S5 at least.

Like I rabidly consumed seasons 1-3 like a starving animal and now I'm reluctant to watch episodes cause I know there's good shit in here, and each episode has some important development moments for characters, or relevant plot that I want to know about so I don't feel like I can start picking and choosing episodes based on descriptions yet. But damn. Lot more misses than hits for me this season. Seriously considering buying a dvds of just S1-3 cause GODDAMN. Loved almost everything about the first three.

[cinemaocd]

I'm very interested in your thoughts on foundations and products for gen x skin. How I miss the days of college when I would just tamp on a thick layer of Studio Fix powder (wrong shade, always), use a lip liner (Twig, always) instead of lipstick and then hit the town living my best life looking like a dry crusty ghoul. Being young really mitigated a lot of make up mistakes. Wait I got off track there...

Oh wow, I'm so flattered you sent this ask. I'm so sorry because...

Get ready...here it comes...

Insanely Detailed Make up Skin Care for Gen X skin Info Dump

So this is for typical post menopausal skin, which is my situation, and pretty much blemish free (I do get the occasional blemish when I do something silly like use lip balm or lipstick as a blush because they have the same effect as a cream blush, but often have pore-clogging ingredients), running normal to dry with a light medium complexion.

I'm a huge believer in skin prep before makeup. If you don't have your skin right, your makeup is always gonna look like makeup and it's probably going to age you rather than make you look younger. For over 50 skin it's all about moisture. All those bougie make up branded prep products are really just adding moisture. Get yourself a tube of Vanicream at the drugstore and slap a bunch on before you do your makeup. It works just as good as Charlotte Tilbury Magic Cream or the ilk at a fraction of the cost.

Skin care routine:

Micellar water: Removes makeup with gentle/sensitive formula (walgreens has a good knock off of the bougie French one in the pink bottle). I use it on my eyes in the mornings because over night oil and dirt build up in that area and it effects makeup performance. It does not irritate my eyes which are very sensitive.

Second cleanse: I Wash with vanicream bar soap in the evenings. Costs $5 and was recommended by my derm. A bar lasts months and I use it as a regular soap in the bath as well. It's just very gentle and moisturizing. I have stopped needing body lotion in the winter since using it. In the mornings I don't second cleanse because I don't need it. I just splash my face with warm water and head right into the next step.

Paula's Choice perfecting gel (a little easier to use than the liquid and better packaging but pricier). Amazing all around face acid, gentle enough to use twice a day even on my delicate little face. Improves almost every skin issue while adding moisture. The GOAT tbh. There is nothing at the drugstore to compare to it, sadly.

Cereve AM moisturizer with SPF. Another drugstore product. Under $15 and Walgreens has a knockoff that's just as good that's even cheaper. My whole family uses this stuff. It works for everyone really. If you want to have good looking skin into old age stay out of the sun and use sunscreen every day, even when it's cloudy, etc.

Vanicream moisturizer (Tube is under $20 and is huge by skincare standards. I buy maybe two a year and just slather it on in the winter). It has a light consistency that soaks in fast and makes layering it over itself easy. This was the moisturizer rec'd by my derm and honestly it's just so great.

Twice a week I end my night routine with the Paula's choice retinol/moisture barrier repair cream. I don't use it daily because it dries out my skin too much. Retinol helps with a host of skin issues, especially if you have acne scars. This formulation is great because it's very occlusive and makes a great last step before bed. You need to be careful not to wear it in the day though because it can make you sunburn. (Also it won't play well with makeup).

Lips: I love the Paula's choice lip balm with spf. My lips get so destroyed in MN winter between wind and UV. It has a slight tint to it that makes it a bit lighter than my lip color which has a plumping effect. (In general paler colors in the middle of the lip will make your lips look fuller). I also use Boodah lip treatment because it's plastic free and it works really well. You can get an unscented one, but it still smells like coconut oil which I like. (Scents in lip balms actually dry out your lips because they cause inflammation. Many lip balms have ingredients that actually GIVE you chapped lips...Burt's Bees I'm looking at you). Also I totally simp for Cereve healing balm. It comes in a small purse sized tube and it's just great for any irritated, cracked angry skin. It even works on diaper rash. Great stuff.

Foundations:

Most of the time liquid foundations are not recommended for older skin because they tend to be drying because the alcohols they use to let the foundation dry down quickly can be drying. For years I formulated my own bb cream by mixing a liquid foundation like MAC Studio fix with MAC Strobe cream. I've tried loads of BB creams but I feel like they never last on me, unless I powder my whole face, which defeats the purpose, my skin just gobbles them up.

I've tried ultralight foundations like MAC face and body, glossier skin tint but because those products are made to be applied and dry instantly they also have loads of alcohols. They are also just better marketed versions of pro air brush foundations, so if you like this category of products, check out air brush foundations. They are usually way cheaper ounce for ounce...

Kosas Revealer: This is ounce for ounce my most expensive foundation but I had a bottle that lasted me a year. It's the closest in texture to the effect I got from mixing studio fix with strobe cream but it comes in a single package with a pump. Applies best with a damp sponge, but I will use a dense brush when I'm in a hurry (The Real Techniques face perfecting brush is a fantastic drugstore foundation brush). Less is more with this as with all foundation. Do thin layers and build up spots where you need more coverage. (Or add in a color corrector or concealer).

Wayne Goss Cream Foundation: I bought this when it launched and I still have so so much left. I apply dots of it with my fingers and spread it with a brush in a stippling motion. It's a fantastic base for a cream blush. It wears like iron when correctly powdered. This is very similar in formulation to RCMA cream foundation which is what Beyonce uses on stage so you know it's bullet proof. It's just mineral oil base with massive amounts of pigment suspended. (This is really the basis of all pro cream foundations going back to the literal grease paint of victorian times) It should never go off. I think I will bequeath my jar of this foundation to my grandchildren should I ever have any. Also doubles as a concealer. (I wish Wayne would put out smaller/cheaper containers of this stuff. Then I could buy a lighter shade for concealing...). The pigment load in these foundations is so high, I actually don't think they are necessary for every day use. It's more coverage than I really need most of the time. I'm not on TV. Camera Ready Cosmetics sells samples of all their cream foundations, so if you want to dip your toe into this world of products without investing I would go there and try the RCMA or the William Tuttle...

Concealers:

I struggled with every concealer I liked being discontinued for a while. I was paying top $ for Lancome Touche Eclat because all of the drugstore knockoffs I adored disappeared. Liquid concealers should be really thin and have moisturizing ingredients. I think it's standard to say avoid them over 50, but products like the Kosas liquid concealer are very good and don't get that dry, cracked look that shape tape and the ilk does on older skin. I've used the Elf camo concealer and I went through many tubes of Maybelline age rewind over the years, but I'm just over them. There may be some newer drugstore alternatives, but I've been living in Bill Tuttle's blissful world of Hi-lite (see below) now long enough that I've stopped paying attention to new products in this category. I don't even use concealer any more...

Color Correctors:

William Tuttle hi-lite: OMG if you have light medium skin this stuff is utter magic. It masks redness and darkness, blending in with the undertone in my skin without flattening me out or making my face too red. I just can't explain it but it even masks my hyperpigmentation spots that absolutely no foundation will cover and many concealers fail with as well. There used to be a maybelline age rewind product that worked but it disappeared and now they only have the one for under eyes. Hi-lite's original purpose was to cover marionette lines for studio lighting which often makes those lines way worse. And it works great for that too, but it's just so amazing as a corrector/concealer for me.If you have a deeper skin tone with more darkness around your eyes, it may not work, but it worth a try. Tuttle has other similar products in different tints that I haven't tried. The jar is under $15 (Jones Road who?) and I have had it over 6 months and it's not even half gone. (Miracle balm is almost $40 a jar and it smells weird after a few months.) Hi-lite'stexture is perfection. You can do light thin layers and spread it out. It just melts in and disappears. Applies beautifully with a finger but a concealer brush is useful because it fits in the jar better. The brand also has a foundation that is $15 a jar as well. Sold at Camera Ready Cosmetics and some pro/specialty stores. William Tuttle is honestly the find of the last five years for me. If you take nothing else away from this post, check out William Tuttle. I lowkey think Bobbi Brown was using this shit as a makeup artist and one day realized it worked great as an overall concealer/color corrector on older skin and decided to make her own version and market it as miracle balm...

Powder:

Despite what Bobbi Brown says in the Miracle Balm ad, powder is a necessary step and actually your friend if you know how to use it. The main thing is to be strategic with placement and actually learn powdering technique that make up pros use and not what you see on on most of youtube.

Controversial take: I bake my under eyes and you should too. Here's why...

Cream products, which are mostly what we're using here, plus moisturizers/sunscreens are going to move around and settle in lines and actually exaggerate them. In the summer they may look shiny when you sweat which isn't great either. Powder will keep it in place and give you that soft focus/glass skin effect. Powder is also blurring. So it's keeping your concealer from settling in under eye wrinkles, acting like the Photoshop healing brush for you face. Another bonus for baking is that if you leave it on while you do your eyeshadow/liner it will keep fallout from sticking. You'll be able to just brush it away. Baking also lightens the color of the skin in the place where it's done. It started in drag as a technique to make highlights pop from the stage. It is so great in the undereye for this reason. No need to get a brightening concealer with bake...

My technique is I apply an eyeshadow base (really like the NYX ultimate shadow/liner primer) from my under eye to brow. Don't skip the undereye! The reason you need a primer is to create a barrier between your eye skin and the powder. (Eye liners and the heavy pigments in dark eyeshadows will absolutely fuck up the skin around your eyes.) Then I color correct with a thin layer of the Hi-lite, then I powder. I use a powder puff or powder sponge (Real techniques makes an awesome powder sponge) and press in the first thin layer. Then I pile it on with a fluffy eyeshadow brush and leave it. I do my eye makeup and brush it away with the fluffy eye brush or a small powder brush. That's it. If you moisturize and prime adequately it is not going to dry out the skin on your eyes. It's all in the prep.

Don't waste money on fancy powders. I bought a massive bottle of RCMA transluscent powder more than 10 years ago and I still have it. I use it every day. I recently bought the William Tuttle powder just because it was cheap and the container was cute. It has a slight pink cast to it, which is really great for the under eye. Coty airspun which is a drugstore classic is great as well. Maybelline fit me is a fantastic "finishing powder" which means it has a little tint and some micas for glow. I use a finishing powder sometimes instead of basic transluscent powder if I want a little more coverage. If you have a lot of acne scarring a finishing powder will be your friend. Wayne Goss and Mel Thompson (RIP) both have amazing tutorials for buffing/finishing techniques. The Wayne Goss Air brush is a god tier brush for this but the RT perfecting brush works great too and is cheap enough that you can have one for creams and one for powders).

Highlight: MAC Strobe cream, strobe cream, strobe cream. Did I mention strobe cream? How I love thee, bougie upscale scented product. Blurring perfection, added moisture, a beautiful soft focus glow that doesn't look like make-up. Mix it with a liquid and foundation and make a bb cream. Throw it on as a last step for a "no makeup" (lol as if) day. You can use it any step in your routine almost and not fuck things up. It's just so great. I use it daily and a bottle will last years. They will pry my strobe cream from my cold dead, gently sparkling hands.

Honorable mention for the Wayne Goss powder highlight which is such a beautiful soft touch glow that doesn't emphasize texture. Absolutely does not look frosty or powdery. Only downside is you have to also buy a powder blush with it, which is a beautiful product, but it adds to the over size and cost of the product. Fantastic highlight for eye shadow as well though...

Contour/blush: I am a big, big fan of cream products for older skin and there such great cream blushes and contours now. One of the best I've discovered is Phytosurgence Skin Spark in Condensate which is a deep burgundy red that works as a contour and blush. It looks like it would be too dark but when it blends out it just works with the underlying redness in my skin to look so incredibly natural. Sometimes I put it on and blend it out and can't tell where my natural flush ends and the phytosurgence begins. Sigma also makes awesome cream blushes, though pricey, they are huge and last forever. I've had a sigma cream blush for over ten years and it's still going strong. The coral shade looks great on everyone. Especially if you are sick or exhausted a coral blush will make you look healthy and awake. If I were gonna do Joe Biden's makeup, I'd use my Bill Tuttle Hi-Lite and sigma coral blush. He might get re-elected.

Eye Shadow:

Controversial Opinion: I wear sparkly/glittery/mettalic eye shadow over 50 and you should too. Here's why...

Life is short. Have fun while you can.

Charlotte Tilbury, Wayne Goss and Lisa Eldridge have spent a lot of time trying to sell you eyeshadow specifically formulated for older skin and they are amazing. They are also really fucking expensive. Eye shadow is some of the cheapest make-up to produce and the mark up is just coo coo bananas. The difference between $20 a pan eye shadow and $1 a pan eye shadow is the fillers, packaging and marketing. That's it. The main thing to look out for is the way the makeup is pressed and what the kind of sparkles it has in it. You want something that is pressed so that you don't pick up huge amounts of pigment sparkles at a time and get massive fallout which just fucks up the area you've worked so hard to perfect. (Don't get me started on what social media did to eyeshadow formulations to cater to influencers swatching on their arms...). You usually want more pearlescent micas which looks softer, but mettalic eyeshadows give me life and I won't give them up. Some less expensive brands that have good beginner friendly/age friendly formulas are The Balm, Colorpop and Karity. These closely mimic the drugstore formulations of the 80s/early 90s which were pretty low on pigment/micas. (Most drugstore formulations now like Elf or Wet and Wild are too pigmented and fillers are just not great quality so the performance varies).

Another reason for wearing eyeshadow is that it makes you look more trendy and youthful, I think. If you get your undereye sorted, you can make your lids look as textured as dragon scales up close and no one will notice or care in real life. I am huge fan of Pat McGrath and I have three 6 pan palettes and I don't think I'll ever need another PM shadow in my life because they last forever. Not a super beginner friendly formula as it is very pigmented. A little goes a long way with Mother Pat but if you are that person that can't go into Ulta or Sephora without slaying and getting compliments from the staff than Pat McGrath is your friend. You'll never get it too look as amazing as it does on instagram though because that's all in the lighting and using a super good camera lens.

Brushes: Look if you want to do eyeshadow you need brushes. I could do an equally huge info dump just on eye shadow brushes but the most basic kit is three brushes: a bog standard liner brush from anywhere in the world, they sometimes come free with eyeshadow you can even use a water color paint brush which is cheaper but will have a weirdly long handle; a flat paddle fluffy blender like the classic Sigma E27 and a dense round pencil brush like the Sigma E42 blender. Those are synthetic brushes, I prefer natural hair but that's a whole area and those get pricey fast. Sigma brushes are pro quality and they absolutely stand by their shit. I've seen them accept returns at their store without a receipt.

Technique: The best way in my opinion is to start with your darkest color and work to the lighter colors, not the other way around. You don't need transition shades. Most of us have hooded eyes by now and there's no transition zone anyway. That is what transluscent powder and highlighter shades are for! Use your liner brush to apply the darkest shade to your lash line. On the upper lash line extend it past your eyeball upward toward your brow. This will counteract the look of sagging skin at the corner of your eye. On the lower lash line go about a third of the way from the outer corner toward the inner corner and stop. Completely encircling your eyes in dark shades will make them look smaller. Use the pencil brush to blend outward, away from the lashline. You want it diffuse and smokey. Go in with whatever the main shade will be for your lid and you can either apply this with the paddle brush or use your finger for metallic shades. Press lightly and then drag very gently to activate those micas. You will get way better shimmer results with your finger than any brush, I promise. I use my pinky to apply my inner corner highlight. I usually do my brow highlight with a paddle brush. Now flip that paddle brush on it's side so the wide part makes contact with the crease of your eye and blend out the edges. If you've got a good powder/primed base it should blend really easily. That's it. It's like three little steps and I can do a basic eye look in under ten minutes. You've probably heard a lot about "hooded eyes" and needing special brushes, techniques etc., but where you fix hooded eyes is with eyeliner...

Eyeliner:

Controversial Opinion: I wear heavy black eyeliner every day over fifty and you should too. Here's why...

Eyeliner is not only bad ass, it is the biggest bang for your buck in the makeup world. Nothing else is so impactful for the time and money involved. It is also an invaluable tool for reshaping your eyes if you want to look younger...

My favorite eyeliners are pencils that can be sharpened. I have one gel eyeliner I love but pencils are my bread and butter. I have so many and I just keep buying more. They last forever. My oldest piece of makeup is from the last century and it's an eyeliner pencil. Favorite formulations of pencil are: Lancome Creamy water proof, Urban Decay 24/7 and melt. At the drugstore: wet and wild, rimmel kohl, Revlon photo ready kohl and NYX epic wear.

I use Rituel De Fille Black orb gel liner, which I've had for over three years and it hasn't dried up. The key with this is very thin layers because it will get crusty and flake off if you use too much product. It lasts all day, makes a terrific black base and smokes out like butter. Also comes in a spherical jar which is so flipping charming. Love this shit. (Actually really wanna try the new trixie mattel gel liners because they look good and lets face it trixie's entire drag is gel liner based...).

Technique: key technique for older folks is tightlining. I usually tightline my upper water line and the outer third of my lower water line. This emphasizes the eye without getting into issues with sagging skin and makes the lash line fuller which is an area that thins out when you age. The effect is kind of subtle, but the way makeup works is layers and layers of subtle changes. :) Pencils work best, but you can do gel with a good brush. The Wayne Goss #8 has no equal for tightlining. I then tightline the lash line all the way on upper lid and use a pencil brush to smoke it out at the edges. Always blend upward in a straight line toward the tip of your brow. (Beginner tutorials have you hold a tissue there or whatever. I don't think it's necessary, just practice.) If you have very hooded eyes, you may not have any real lid space in which case just skip eyeshadow and tightline. It's all anyone can see when your eyes are open.

Lips:

We are almost done I swear. :D

Not that much difference for ageing but life is too short to buy super cheap lipstick. Any decent drugstore lipstick will run you $10 these days and it's worth it. Bougie designer lipstick is the same shit, in nicer packaging and trendier colors. My favorite formulas are basically all of them but I have a fondness for covergirl, the maybelline matte trance (in the skinnier tube) and revlon anything. A little light colored gloss in the middle of the lip even with no lipstick just takes years off your face, I don't know why. I love the fenty gloss bomb and any of Trixies. Lifter gloss at the drugstore is supposed to be great but I haven't tried it. I'm still finishing that gloss bomb I got when it launched, lol. In general a lighter shade in the middle will make lips look fuller. Lining used to be critical when you get little fine lines around your lips, to prevent lipstick from bleeding but these days lipstick formulas really don't bleed much, I think. A dark "nude" lipliner will make your lips look bigger, but keep it to the outer corners.A MAC lip pencil will probably last you the rest of your life if you don't lose it.

Finishing Spray: Everything I said about liquid foundations using alcohol goes double for finishing spray. It's just different kinds of alcohol with other stuff like micas for shimmer, scent, glycerin and water. No other ingredients are really proven for finishing sprays because there's so much water it's like a homeopathic concentration. I make my own by combing a few tablespoons of whatever finishing spray is cheapest at the drugstore, distilled water and a few drops of glycerin. It helps with that powdered tight feeling and I think it does help it last a bit more. The hardest part about making your own finishing spray is finding a spray bottle you like.

And we are done.

Whew.

That was a lot but it was fun to impart.

[famouslyindecipherable]

many of the nice things that happened to me yesterday

I had a really good day yesterday and i just thought I'd share. there's no point to this, almost all of it is uninteresting out of context, and im not gonna wrap it all up into something cohesive, but here's how my day was :)

first of all my morning started with me learning that some of my dad's photos from dashcon are Very popular to the point where if you google dashcon slenderman you can easily find someone's post of them, not to mention someone redrew a couple of the photos which was So So cool to see

my history of film class was pretty uneventful but my professor is an all around pleasant guy and i enjoy being in his class

then i went to get lunch (/breakfast. so really brunch) with my friend and it was some Banger Pasta. which is starting to become a thursday tradition bc she already goes to that place for lunch with our other friend so we go there early and when i go to class she just hangs out until our other friend gets there LOL

we were looking out the windows and we saw a little baby running around in a little puffer coat and she started chasing a starship robot (little food delivery robot, if you haven't heard of them) and she waved at it and the crowd (me and my friend) went Wild.

also this was expected bc i think it's their routine but three of my favorite professors in the film department (which i say even though this is my first semester having any of them LOL) also walked in and since my friend and i are both in film production one of them always points us out and says hi. the other two don't really say anything they're just kinda like :) but that's just how they are.

((also notably this brunch time is sandwiched between my classes with both of the professors who don't say much LOL,, i usually leave a few minutes after they leave bc me and one of them r going to the same place))

anyway after that i went to my editing class ofc and i finished up my edit of the hold up, i decided im okay with it not being particularly creative because it doesn't necessarily Have to be. sure mine won't stand out but that's okay, not everything i do has to be above and beyond

anyway editing is my last class of the day, and it was really really nice out (57°F, my favorite temperature ever) so i dropped by my room to put on a lighter jacket and i went and wandered around for a while

Then i ended up going to the library and i knocked out some stuff I've needed to get done, and After That i helped run a pop culture club meeting (im the vice president) which i usually don't enjoy a whole lot but this time we had bad fanfic night and the turnout was Pretty Great especially compared to our other meetings

Anyway then i went home and had some pizza. The end

[elifalvey]

Elijah had been elbows deep in paperwork when he heard the front doors of the studio open, although he wouldn't have expected it to be Aslihan who strolled on through. Nearly a month passed since they last saw one another, when coincidence both led them to the Blue Wolf and desire to be close again led him back home for the night. He left the next evening, after he stalled his departure as much as he possibly could and after that? Text messages had been their only form of communication, few and far between when they had to talk and it just couldn't wait - for occasions like Alex's birthday, or when he saw Atlas' post about his recent engagement on Instagram. Things that he wished he were around for, but had to settle for being half-there because he still felt relatively clueless at that time. Now, he'd been in somewhat of a lighter headspace — comparatively speaking, at least — but he still hadn't gone home. He told himself that he just needed a little more time, which he was all too afraid was a resource that was running thin once he looked up from the desk he sat behind to see her.

Surprise filled his chest, and he matched the warm smile on her lips effortlessly. It was either that, or he'd just stop breathing altogether again, but he felt a bit more composed than he had back during that night at the Blue Wolf. Thank God, because all he wanted to do was close the distance and kiss her and if he'd been any less composed he might have actually done so. Even if he hoped that she wouldn't have minded, they still needed to talk first - about them, and about their baby (which he could stand to say now, so that had to be progress, right?). He shouldn't act like things were normal, like he would have had she come before everything hit the fan. "Aslihan," he said through a breath, dropping the papers in his hands to stand up. He took off the glasses that had been sitting on his nose and dropped those too before he made his way around the table he'd set up at, trying to be a tad mindful of the way his eyes trailed towards what she was wearing. Somehow, she managed to look even more beautiful. "It does, doesn't it? It's . . . it's coming along. Diego and his guys, they've done a wonderful job so far." His smile turned into one of pride. "Actually, I think — y'know, if everything goes to plan, they should be wrapping up by next weekend. They've worked really hard recently." He looked around for a moment, at the building that had very much turned into a labor of love, before he brought his attention back to Asli. Suddenly remembering that this was unexpected, that he had no idea why she was here, he cleared his throat. "Um — sorry, I . . . didn't mean to ramble. What're you doing here? Is everything okay?"

𝙰𝚂𝙻𝙸𝙷𝙰𝙽 𝙵𝙰𝙷𝚁𝙸-𝙱𝙰𝙸𝙻𝙴𝚈 & 𝙴𝙻𝙸𝙹𝙰𝙷 𝙵𝙰𝙻𝚅𝙴𝚈

It's been almost a month since they last spoke. Admittedly, she's been thinking about this for the past few weeks. What they were going to do next, where they will go from here. What's going to happen for when the baby will be here. Of course, Aslihan knows what she wanted and she was hoping to have it. But... That's up to Elijah. However, they needed to talk.

The past few days have been rough, the woman feeling more sick than before. And finally, she arranged an appointment with her doctor. Asli wanted Eli to be there and she was going to bring it up, hoping that he'll ask if he can join. Yet she was bracing herself for if he doesn't. Making her way out of her Jeep, she headed inside the recording studio building. If she remembered the schedule correctly, the crew wouldn't be there at this time, but Eli would be. And the moment she saw him, the curator smiled warmly and her heart beat happily. "You're right: it's definitely better in person than through the pictures," she mused softly. Slowly heading towards him, her eyes scanning his features. It took everything inside her not to automatically wrap her arms around him and hold the man, to kiss him and be as close to him as possible. "It looks incredible, El. Truly."

CLOSED STARTER: eli's recording studio, downtown ; march 20th, 2023 || @elifalvey

[madzilla84]

So I finally bought a replica of The Robe from OFMD and wanted to write about it a bit (…a lot) and thought it was probably too long for an endless thread of tweets so here we are. 

SO when I first got into the show (April) there wasn’t a proper replica of the breakup/depression/confidence robe readily available, only the fabric (though the existence of that was a bit of a mystery as the costume designers for the show said it was super expensive and they’d bought out all of it and only had enough to make one robe, so this newer fabric is probably a lower-quality copy). I nearly bought the fabric then but the idea of having to commission someone to make it, mail them the fabric, find the lining fabric too … eh, it just seemed like way too much of a hassle (not to mention way too expensive). But then the same seller that sold the fabric (Theblockprints) also started selling the robe itself! Buuuut it was still pretty expensive (though much less expensive than the fabric & commission route), so back in May I opened the Etsy tab and … left it sitting there until last week when I FINALLY caved (because the weather was getting cooler, probably). I spent ages looking at other listings and reading reviews/looking at all the review pics on Etsy (luckily there are lots), and decided to go for it based on the multiple excellent reviews and pics.

ANYWAY it got here incredibly fast - just under a week, from India! I got the 48” version as I am a shortarse, and it comes to mid-calf; the 57” would have been dragging on the floor, I’m pretty sure. It has kimono sort of sleeves rather than the square ones in the show but they still look good and I actually prefer that the drop is slightly less extreme (it’s more practical). The sleeves are a good length on me, surprisingly - it has the darts in the back, the 4 tassels, and it even has a pocket! (Inside)

OK, first impressions:

It’s a bit lighter (in colour) than I expected, and particularly a kinda - lower contrast of the design. Like, it almost looks a bit faded, but then, that’s potentially just what it looks like, because it seems to have a bit of a chameleon thing going on in different lighting...

I took photos in both natural and non-natural light and it looks quite different in both; also people take pics of theirs in different lighting for reviews, and of course TV shows both have very different lighting in different scenes *and* post-production Studio Magic, so it can be really hard to tell how “accurate” it is (or indeed, if all of the ones sold by the same shop are the same fabric, or if they have different ‘runs’ that look different).

The design is somewhat less crisp than I expected with less contrast (though again that varies on lighting), buuuut part of that might be that it’s velvet vs the canvas material of the tote bag I got recently… but, the second most recent review on Etsy is actually saying the same thing, that they bought a pillow in the same fabric from the same shop and the fabric was much more vibrant and crisp. (However, the *most* recent review, from today, is saying that it’s fantastic and perfect, no notes, 10/10, so I reckon people might just have different expectations/standards etc? And if you don’t have anything to compare it to on hand, then… maybe you wouldn’t notice?)

Like even on the show, it looks quite light in places (e.g. Ed singing on the deck) and darker in others, like the blanket fort scene, but of course that’s totally different lighting. 

I haven't colour or contrast-adjusted any of the photos I took but even without that it can be tricky, as you'll see. (tumblr does eff up the quality of images a bit, sorry about that) It also looks much better at a distance, as you'd expect, but there isn't much less of a distance you can have from something than wearing it, lol.

this is the robe on my bed, in a room without natural lighting (the curtains were closed, the light was on). this is a really good pic! maybe i just need to only wear it in the dark.

tote bag vs robe. the tote bag is canvas, mind you

left - natural lighting, right, non-natural lighting

(this pic is especially maddening and is here as an example, because both these pics above were taken in the exact same spot at the same time, no filters or changed lighting or anything, I just moved my phone a bit and this is how different the pics looked. Phone cameras adjust depending on angle, light, reflections, colour, all sorts, so even the same time in the same place isn't consistent. -_- )

----

I’m no dressmaking expert but it seems well made. The tassels are lovely, a gorgeous colour, though a bit ratty in places, nothing a lil trim won’t help a bit. 

Like. I didn’t expect it to be *identical* because it’s not made by the same people, didn’t cost as much as a full screen-accurate replica would, and I knew the design was a bit different based on the reviews and photos … and it *is* very nice indeed. I’m just - not sure it’s nice *enough* to be worth what it costs, which is A Lot. Based on the costume designer’s description of the cost of the original fabric, I’m sure that would have been higher print quality, which is to be expected. 

I don’t think I regret buying it exactly, and it’s still the best option there is out there (aside from a full private commission which is definitely out of my price range), but I guess I’m just saying, manage your expectations. If you’re not expecting screen-identical look *and* quality, it’s great! Is it £150 great? Well, that’s up to you. Maybe?

It’s very comfy, though. Fits (me) great. I was a bit worried it’d be too heavy but it isn’t at all, it’s a nice weight. The lining isn’t silky but a hot pink cotton, feels nice, especially as I’m not gonna be wandering around shirtless in it like Ed did, lol. I’d be wearing it now, probably, except it’s pretty warm today, darn it.

So, to finish, do I like it? I do like it a lot. It’s nice quality overall and it’s a fun thing to have, a little piece of my favourite show (kinda). I’m a *little* disappointed that it doesn’t, to my eyes at least, look as vibrant as I’d hoped (except when it does, when it's not so bright out), but I honestly can’t tell how “inaccurate” that makes it because of lighting etc. I do think they’re possibly cheaping out a bit on the fabric/print for the robes vs smaller items like pillows and such to save $$, but I couldn’t prove that without seeing multiple robes (and pillows) together in person or something.

Would I recommend it? Well, if you want one and can’t afford to commission one (and honestly even if you did, you might still get this same fabric if you ordered it from the same shop) and can afford this one, then yes; you’re not gonna find a better option because there currently isn’t one. 

And... actually, as a lil update, I've spent so long writing this that it's gotten a bit darker/overcast outside and the colour actually does look a bit more vibrant/accurate (or I'm incepting myself), so maybe the slight shininess of it is a factor in bright lighting/daylight?? I dunno man!

It is a beautiful, lush robe. If I'm gonna be a sad bitch, at least I can be a sad bitch ~in style~ <3

[pocketramblr]

You know what I like in X2 (and all of the original Xmen trilogy actually)? I like how they kept Magneto somewhat sympathetic and complex, but never let you forget that this guy is ultimately a villain who wants mutant supremacy, and is willing to murder all humans to do it. He was a sympathetic villain, but always a villain. I like that.

You've unlocked a ramble!

Ok so the thing about watching X2 and then XMA back to back is that both movies have "Capture Charles in order to use him to destroy humanity and leave only mutants" as a plot point, and both are handled soooo differently and really show the difference between Classic Magneto and Post MCU Magneto.

So in X2, Magneto has Mystique manipulate another mutant (Jason Stryker) who is already very much a victim of a father who had him lobotomized to use him as a weapon after he lashed out at his abusive parents and killed his mother. Mystique has Jason use his power to force Charles to target all humans on the planet with a mental blast that will kill them.

XMA, Apocolypse is the mastermind who kidnaps Charles and forces him to launch all nukes into the sky, disarming every country on earth before Apocolypse takes his body and plans to destroy the rest after. Magneto is one of his horsemen.

So, already, X2 Magneto is "worse" because he's actually doing this, not just working for someone who is. He's the one who didn't warn Charles right away that Stryker was going to kidnap him, and he's the one who didn't free Charles and Jason when he had the chance. Except... Literally five minutes before that, Stryker had used Jason and Charles to target every mutant on earth. They were very much seconds away from a total mutant genocide. Millions and millions dead, like that. The second time that Magneto, as the only one with a helmet to protect him from the psychic blast, would survive a genocide of his people. But this time, he'd be the only one left on the planet. In an attack that came from one person without government authorization. The only way Magneto can be absolutely sure that this never happens again is if he makes sure there aren't any humans left to do it.

Is if he kills billions.

And he does it, or tries to, but before he does he puts his hand on Charles and it's so obvious without him even speaking that he feels bad for doing this to his old friend. He doesn't want Charles to hurt! But his goals are a higher priority than Charles' mental well-being, and he knows he won't have any right to apologize once he's done because he won't regret the action, just the side effects. So he puts his hand on him, silently displaying so much emotion, and then says goodbye and leaves.

Contrast X2 Magneto taking responsibility for what he did and committing to it while still being so very human to XMA Magneto. XMA Magneto isn't even the leader here, he's a sidekick Apocolypse recruited- after his coworkers reported on him for using his power to save one of their lives, getting his wife (yeah he... Has one now) and daughter (no not Anya, Wanda or Lorna, a new one) killed. And here, like in X2, this is obviously him reliving something that has happened before and wasn't supposed to happen again. But he doesn't get to kill the coworkers who betrayed him and his family. Apocolypse shows up and does that himself, after Magento's one request was to not stop him from killing them himself. Magneto does not get to do that action. He does not get the responsibility of those deaths. He does not have the responsibility of actively using Charles, that was Apocolypse. He still shouldn't have done it, of course, it was still wrong- but it's very different than the intention Original Magneto had. And while this Magneto is somewhat sympathetic, the dead family and all... He's not someone who was just facing eminent genocide. There have been ten years of peace, allegedly. Mystique mentions that it's not really peace and still needs improvement and she's right, but as a whole... There's very obviously no need for Mutants to do genocide in order to preserve themselves. Apocolypse is very obviously just doing what he wants for his own personal power. Magneto just ends up looking half like John Wick and half like a huge sucker for doing all of this.

Let's compare two other little thing in both movies- so in X2, there's this moment where Mystique and Magneto are snarking to each other about Rogue's hair and "loving what she did with it." What did she do with it? Nothing, she has a white streak because Magneto tried to use her in the last movie for his "greater good of mutants" and almost killed her.

Meanwhile, XMA Magneto almost killed Mystique last movie for his greater good plan, and in this movie he just... Eventually gets convinced that she's fighting for what she has left and maybe some of humanity is worth saving too. I don't think there's even any mention of what he did in the last film, or of there was it was so little I didn't realize and remember it.

X2 Magneto takes Pyro's lighter to coax him out, then assures him that his power isn't lame, that he's "a God among insects."

Because in the original trilogy, Magneto is the one who manipulates! He's the bastard! He's the bitter old man who has been hurt so bad and is so desperate to keep it from happening again that he'll bark and bite and do worse to stop it.

Meanwhile, Apocolypse gets to be the one to call mutants gods and goddesses in the new version, and Magneto is just an accessory. Still culpable, but not The Bastard, not the one allowed full responsibility, or full sympathy.

Anyway that's why the old Magneto is "worse" as far as being a villain goes, but is way more sympathetic and interesting than the new "softer" one.

[genderqueerpositivity]

I guess I'll go ahead and do a 5 month HRT update today, because a few folks have asked how that is going. On Friday I'll officially be 5 months on T, which is just unbelievable???

CW: changes from HRT, talking about periods, eating habits, changes to body parts and gentials, sex drive, etc

My dose increased in June, so I've been applying daily .75 ml of a 100 mg/ml cream since then. I can't say that I've noticed an increase in how fast things are happening since increasing my dose. Some changes are still happening slowly and steadily, while it feels like others have backed off a bit.

My voice hasn't changed significantly since I last posted screenshots from the voice analyzer app. I'm fine with that? I really like my voice how it is now. It would be great if it drops more in the future, but I think I would also be fine if it doesn't?

My voice has gotten me he/him'd and sir'd a few times. My voice is now my most visibly trans feature and it's a powerful one. I recently showed someone my driver's license (which has not been changed) and filled out paperwork with my legal name (also not changed) and I was still consistently called he and sir the entire time, and I wasn't making any special attempt at passing, not even wearing a binder.

One thing I do wish is that I could get back to being able to speak as loudly as I did pre-T. In loud areas it feels like I'm constantly being told now that I need to speak up. Especially at work, it's difficult to lead meetings and even have one on one conversations. Being loud enough to be heard over background noise takes a lot more effort than it did back when I had a naturally high voice. Trying to force a louder voice for long periods of time leaves me with a sore throat. I think this is because I haven't gotten the hang of the whole "speaking from my chest" thing.

Body hair is still happening steadily. I have so much back hair now. Toe hair. Hair on the tops of my hands. Sideburns. Hair on my upper arms and upper legs. Butt hair, chest hair, and belly hair. Really this is getting ridiculous but I actually really like it. I had a diagnosis of hirsutism pre-T but now I see that my pre-T body and facial hair was nothing compared to this lol.

I've still been shaving my facial hair pretty regularly, because I wear a mask for 8 hours a day and it itches my face a lot. But I'm starting to really want to grow it out for a few weeks to see what it looks like on me. I'm a little nervous about what other people might think, and also about it possibly looking patchy and weird. But I also really want a break from shaving irritation and ingrown hairs, and I want to see if I'll like having my face unshaven or not.

Either I've gotten used to it, or my skin isn't as oily as it was at first. My skin is definitely still breaking out in places though. I didn't have this much acne during my first puberty. I definitely sweat more than I used to, but also it's August here so that could just be the humidity lol. I've noticed some changes to my shoulders, upperarms, and forearms for sure; they look more masculine and I've gained some muscle there and I like it. I've surprised myself with my own strength a few times, which is pretty cool.

*skip the next three short paragraphs if you don't want to read about periods or vague comments about bottom growth and sex*

Sadly my period hasn't stopped yet. I'm tracking it with an app, so I do know that they're happening less frequently now, are shorter (which means only 7 days and not 9+) and are lighter than ever before. I have fewer PMS symptoms now, and less pre-period sensory issues. Even my cramps are and feel different now; they seem less sharp and more manageable.

I'm actually really disappointed that my bottom growth appears to have stopped. I was hoping for more of that. I hope that what I've gotten so far isn't all there is, because I know that it varies a lot by person. I don't really know what would be considered an average amount of growth at this point, and I don't know what to expect personally overall.

In related news, I understand now why so many transmasc people complain about their sex drive increasing on T....because that is definitely a thing. And let's just say that things work kind of differently down there now, and I like the changes. I've also had a few experiences lately that have caused me to question my gray-asexuality a bit, so that sure is...something. Sexual attraction is odd--and this keeps happening to allosexual people, like forever? Sounds fake.

Other minor stuff:

I haven't noticed a change in appetite since starting T, but I do think I have less of a sweet tooth. Even when do I crave sweets now, I want less than I did before. And it seems like I'm more likely to have a stomachache after eating them. I don't really know why this is or if this is entirely HRT related.

I haven't lost any hair and I don't think my hairline has changed any yet. I have so much gray hair now though wtf.

I can still cry. I've cried today in fact (they were happy tears, no worries). I think I am quicker to get an attitude now though? I've had a few moments lately where afterwards I was like...."damn I really said all that out loud, huh".

As much as all of this is, I feel like I look the same as I did pre-T. The changes to my appearance haven't been drastic at all. I expected that by 5-6 months, I wouldn't be able to hide the fact that I'm on T anymore, but it looks like that isn't the case. I'm not out at work at all, and if anyone has noticed the changes, no one has said a word to me about it. Apart from the week or so around the time where I lost my voice (it was assumed that I was sick), and a single comment making fun of my facial hair (which I already had some of pre-T), not even my parents have caught on to what I'm doing. And regardless of how that all turns out in the end, I'm not going to regret doing this. Choosing to move forward with HRT has been one of my best life choices so far.

I've realized that I definitely feel more positive about my body now than I did pre-T. Showers and baths are more enjoyable. I went swimming last month for the first time in years and it was a blast. This has all been so worth it.

My next HRT appointment is in less than a month. And I've just realized that I'm might have to reschedule it, so that's fun. Anyway, if the lab tests come back good and I'm given the chance to increase my dose again at that appointment, I'm going to take it.