#//and also been thinking about being thrown into a paint mixing machine again

[keeps-ache]

'you are the opposite of a prime specimen'

'i don't even know how to respond to that, i'm speechless, what am i supposed to say to that??'

[nobodyfamousposts]

Runaway: Roommates AU

For @a-marlene-s​ and the contest, for the prompt: Runaway

A Harry Potter-based Miraculous Ladybug AU. With roommates.

_________________________________

Marinette was a big believer in luck. She came by it honestly, as there was something of a family belief regarding the unknown force that impacted their lives.

Her Uncle’s luck helped him work his way to becoming a world famous chef.

Her Mother’s luck led her to her husband.

Marinette’s luck gained her a strange roommate and his equally strange cat.

...If there really was a universal force directing fortune as her family believed, she had some questions for it.

It was just Marinette’s luck that the day she met Adrien, she was in the market for a new roommate. She had been sharing her flat for the last five years with her best friend, Alya, and they got along well. But Alya had a boyfriend and they had recently chosen to take the next step in their relationship and get a place together. Marinette understood, of course, but it still left her now as the sole resident of a flat that was outside of her budget and forced to choose to give it up or find some other way to make ends meet that wouldn’t involve giving up food and end up causing Alya and Tikki to stage an intervention.

The choice should be obvious, but Marinette loved her flat and was loathe to leave it. Sadly, she had only been able to afford it previously because she had shared expenses with Alya. On her own, it was more costly than she could afford and more room than she really needed.

But oh...what other place had an extended balcony that was perfect for a garden? Or such wide windows that were positioned to let in light but avoid the sun’s glare? Or had a built in desk and a space she could use as a crafting nook?

She was already having to say goodbye to Alya, she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her home, too.

But it seemed that Luck pulled through for her, albeit in a rather...unusual way.

When the blond cinnamon roll appeared in her bakery, looking so lost and confused with no idea what to do or where to go, and nothing with him but a suitcase and an equally unhappy cat...she hadn’t known what to think of him.

Well, that’s not quite right. Her immediate thought had been to take the poor boy in and hug him until he stopped being sad.

Then he tried to pay for a single croissant with an overabundance of a strange type of coin. And it became clear that the man was very much not from around here. And had no idea how money worked.

Or how anything worked apparently, given his multitude of strange reactions to things.

Admittedly, she had been a bit hasty in her offer of letting him stay with her. After all, inviting a complete stranger to live with you was...generally not the brightest idea. If anything, it was usually the setup to a horror movie. But Marinette still went through with it anyway.

To this day, she still didn’t know what made her do it. Desperation, perhaps? Attributing it to her luck and not wanting to let an opportunity pass her? Or maybe it was the way something about him had drawn her in...

Regardless, he had no place to go. And she had a place he could use. It seemed like a mutually beneficial arrangement.

She just hadn’t realized just how lost Adrien was when they first met and introduced themselves to each other. Not until after he first moved in and it became abundantly clear how unfamiliar he was with...well...everything. It was no wonder he had been so overwhelmed when she first met him.

She couldn’t help but want to help him.

She just hadn’t realized what all that would entail...

____________

“Marinette! What is THAT?!”

“That’s the microwave.”

“WHY IS IT BEEPING? ARE WE GONNA DIE?”

“No, Adrien, it’s just popcorn.”

“What are these words?!”

“Do you really not have popcorn in the country?”

“Why is the bag big now? Is it magic? Are you magic? Because—”

She just shoved a couple of the popcorn pieces in his mouth at that.

_____________

"Wait, you mean you don't know how to use a washing machine?"

He shrunk in on himself. "No."

She blinked in surprise. She could have sworn…

“But...then how have you been washing your clothes?"

A long pause.

He simpered. “Can I choose not to answer that?"

She sighed. 

_____________

“Marinette! Your morning wake-up box is beeping. You need to get up.”

She mumbled and turned away from Adrien and the offending noise.

He frowned. “Marinette, it won’t turn off unless you do the thing.”

She pulled a pillow over her head and continued to ignore him.

Undeterred, he approached her bed. Against better judgement, he poked at her to get her attention.

“Mari—”

A hand suddenly made contact with his face. In an all too similar manner to how she would normally try to subdue the ringing wake-up box.

It would take two days worth of apologies and make up gifts of hot chocolate and pastries for him to forgive her.

_____________

She frowned, looking at an expanse of wall and empty space on one side of the den.

“That’s weird…didn’t we have something here before?”

Adrien stilled at that.

“No.” He answered tersely.

“I could swear there was something.”

“Nope.”

She tilted her head, thinking. “I thought this flat had a fireplace? Didn’t we use it sometimes?” She could have sworn...

“You must be imagining things.” Adrien told her, taking hold of her shoulders and trying to guide her to the couch on the other side. “There hasn’t been anything there since I moved in.”

“Oh. Maybe it was a shelf or something Alya took with her.”

“That must be it.”

“Hmm…maybe we could set up a television there…”

“Yeah, sure.” He replied automatically as he drew her away from the area.

So caught up in her thoughts, she never noticed the dirty glare Adrien shot towards the now blank wall.

_____________

She had thought the introduction to television would be the biggest thing.

And she was right.

“What is THAT?” He asked in wonder, staring in shock at rectangular box with moving images inside.

“It’s a television.” She explained, gesturing to the screen as Romero confessed his love to Julia in the Spanish soap opera her cable had somehow allowed her access to.

She bit back a laugh when Adrien attempted to touch the screen. “Are they stuck in there?”

Omg, he was so adorable.

“What? No! It’s…well…it can play sounds and images from somewhere else. Things that were pre-recorded and are replayed for entertainment.”

He perked up at that. “Like a radio?”

Okay, good. So wherever he was from, he wasn’t THAT far behind on technology. Only early 1920’s instead of the nineteenth century like she’d feared.

“Yes! It’s just people pretending.”

“Oh.” He sighed, still enraptured by the TV.

“Yeah, and there are all different types of shows and movies. Different genres and different styles.”

“Styles?” He asked, finally tearing his eyes from the television to look at her.

“Sure. There’s live action, CGI, animation—”

He blinked. “Animation?”

“Yeah, like cartoons and anime.” She frowned, considering. “Actually, I think there’s…what channel was it on again?” She used the remote to flip through channels until she reached one particular network that was currently playing some anime she vaguely recalled.

Adrien gasped, his eyes even wider than she had previously thought possible. And there was a particular shine to them as he stared at the TV like it was the holy grail. He barely noticed Marinette anymore, now standing in front of the TV and completely enthralled.

Marinette chuckled softly to herself as she lightly took his arm and pulled him back so they both sat back on the couch. Adrien let her, his gaze never straying from the screen as the teen magical girl protagonist transformed to fight the monster of the day.

That was the day Adrien was first introduced to anime.

It was also the day Marinette inadvertently created an otaku.

_____________

One day, he had called her in a panic while she had been at work.

“Adrien?! What’s going on?” She asked.

“It…this thing just came out and it’s crawling the floor! IT ATE PLAGG!”

She balked. “WHAT?”

“He tried to attack it and—wait. Plagg? You’re alive! What are you…NO WAIT PLAGG, NO!”

Marinette had practically thrown her apron to Tikki and rushed home. Within minutes, she had reached the flat and slammed the door open to what could only be chaos.

Or at least the sort of chaos that comes with Adrien huddled with his legs held up on the couch and glaring in betrayal as Plagg proudly sat atop the Roomba that was still making its way across the floor.

And…

Yeah, Marinette couldn’t.

She just couldn’t.

It took a good five minutes for her to stop laughing.

Adrien pouted the whole time, muttering about traitorous cats and roommates.

And Plagg continued to ride the Roomba. Looking for all purposes like a king, even when it knocked into the counter at one point and an empty can of Camembert fell on his head.

Marinette just laughed harder.

_____________

She had slowly been introducing Adrien to the world. Bit by bit. One lesson at a time. And with each day that passed, he seemed to become more comfortable with her and the world at large. And while he never said much about his life before, what he did say (and what he didn’t) was more than enough to paint a picture. One that Marinette didn’t like and made her silently swear to herself she would be having WORDS with his family if she ever met them.

But Adrien had been getting better. Happier. More outgoing as time passed. 

He had even gotten a job at the coffee shop as a barista. Which was kind of amazing, to be honest. He didn’t know anything about coffee, but he seemed skilled at mixing things. When she had asked, he made a comment about “potions” being his best class.

Funny guy. Though she wasn’t sure she understood the joke.

There was also just…something about him that seemed to draw people in. Whenever he was working the register (after he had finally learned how to work the machine and count money, and wasn’t THAT an experience in itself?), the number of customers seemed to grow exponentially compared to other days. It just didn’t make sense. Adrien just smiled and said it was part of his charm.

Another joke she didn’t understand.

Tikki seemed to get it though. Her friend was also a bit weird, but she and Adrien seemed to get along rather well. It was like they shared a bond of some sort.

To be honest, Marinette was a little jealous.

But she was happy for him. He was really growing over the months they spent together. Wherever he came from, it didn’t seem to be the healthiest place. Adrien certainly never wanted to talk about it, so the best she had to go on were his behaviors and conjecture.

He seemed happy, at any rate. He was able to leave the apartment now. He was making friends, and seemed to be getting rather popular even. He had a job—not that he seemed to need it given how much money he had…even if he had no idea how to use it.

Who tried to pay for a pastry in gold coins anyway?

Ah well. It didn’t matter.

Whatever happened, he was her weird roommate.

And she wouldn’t have him any other way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adrien liked his “roomie”. Marinette was…nice. She was patient and took the time to explain things when he didn’t understand. She didn’t yell at him for making a mess—which he did…often. She smelled like cookies.

And most importantly, she didn’t ask questions.

Oh sure, she gave him weird looks fairly regularly. And she was clearly confused by his lack of knowledge about things that were normal to her. But she never ridiculed him for it. If anything, she was teaching him, and he had to thank her for it—especially for anime. Because this? This was awesome!

She was the best roommate he could have asked for.

Even if she was a Muggle.

He shouldn’t be with her. Or here at all. How could things have possibly worked out this way? Or even half as well as they have?

Adrien Agreste was a Wizard. The son of Gabriel Agreste, a high-ranking official of the French Ministry and personal friend of the French Minister of Magic. He came from a long line of powerful Wizards and no blood pollution.

At least…not until his mother, whom had been a half-Veela.

Gabriel hadn’t known at the time when he chose to pursue her. And it remained questionable to this day whether it had been her Veela charm that had driven him to her in the first place. But he had been furious when he had realized it, and it was considered a dark mark on the family line.

Maybe that was why she was gone? It was certainly why Gabriel had kept Adrien isolated for most of his life. At least until Beauxbatons. But even there, things had been…stifling.

A private room. His classes carefully chosen for him. Personal tutors. And his interactions with other students were kept limited to avoid anyone falling under his charm. But even then, his heritage gave him an aura of some sort. One that made people in awe of him, but only further increased the distance between him and everyone else.

Sure, Chloe was there, and she had been his childhood friend, but the Minister’s daughter did not endear herself to anyone. And when it became known he was her friend, it hadn’t helped matters.

It was little wonder that a number of the other students avoided him.

Other than ones who wanted to use him.

Like Lila Rossi.

He hadn’t known what to think of the girl. She was popular enough, sure. But her stories rang false to him and she tended to treat people around her like helpers rather than friends. He knew from the start that there was something about her that was untrustworthy.

Lila…had an unusual interest in him. One he didn’t like. It made him uncomfortable.

And yet somehow, she wormed her way into his father’s good graces. So much so that of all people, Gabriel had decided to arrange a marriage for Adrien to her. Because of course it just made sense for the two to get together.

Not that Adrien’s opinion had ever been consulted on the matter.

Gabriel was nothing if not stubborn though. Once he had set his mind on something, that was it. Adrien had never won an argument against him. And he knew he wouldn’t win here either. Even when it was his own future on the line. Even when it was his life being decided for him.

So he ran.

It was quite possibly both the best and worst decision of his life.

He had been completely lost and overwhelmed at first. And almost immediately questioned his sanity. But he just couldn’t let himself back down on on this one. Sure, his father had always been somewhat overprotective of him and controlling of his life. And he had been fine with it. Mostly. Kind of. Not really.

But an arranged marriage was just…too much? He ended up gathering his more important belongings into his trunk and taking off with Plagg before he had even realized what he was doing.

Adrien had kicked himself afterwards. He had always given in to his father’s orders before and it turned out…well, not “fine”, but all right, at least. Surely…surely this wasn’t that big of a deal right? That his father was selecting his wife for him? That his future would be set in stone before he even really had a chance to figure it out for himself.

He was an adult now. Surely…he could choose what he wanted to do, right?

Well, he was an adult, sure, but he knew nothing about the world. And especially not the Muggle world, where he had escaped to in a rash bit of insight. Because surely his father would never think to look for him there? His father didn’t know anything about the Muggle world, after all.

Except then Adrien had realized all too late that he hadn’t even known anything about Muggles, either. His father wouldn’t let him take the Muggle Studies class, so he knew nothing about what they were like or how to fit in. He had money on him, of course, but what currency did Muggles use? How did he convert it? Where could he even look to for a place to stay?

Within two hours, he was regretting everything. He was debating giving in to his fate when Plagg had seemed to get an interest in something and ran off, resulting in a chase that led Adrien to a quaint little coffee shop.

If nothing else, he could take a break here and regain his bearings.

But…

Everything had smelled so wonderful. And the pastries looked heavenly. He had known it was a bad idea, but…well, maybe they could accept Galleons here?

How many Galleons were one of these pastries worth?

Well, a dozen should be enough, right?

The strange look that the girl gave him only made him want to duck his head in shame.

It wasn’t enough, was it?

But as if she was proficient in Occlumency and could tell exactly what he was thinking, she instead took him aside and talked to him. And despite himself, he told his story.

Well…half of it.

A third?

A little, at least. Just enough to give the basics of what she needed to know.

And it turned out to be enough, as she made him an offer he’d had to have been a fool to refuse.

That was how he ended up sharing a home with a Muggle. A sweet and strong woman whom, for all of their differences and completely separate worlds, he had felt closer to than anyone he had known in the Wizarding world.

She didn’t understand where he came from. And he certainly couldn’t tell her. Wizarding laws and secrecy and all. But she was still trying to help in her own way. And he could tell her…some things, at least. About his feelings. About his wants. Things he had never been able to tell his father. Things his father had never cared to listen to.

But she listened. And she cared. And she offered shelter. For him and Plagg, regardless of how much a of a pain the cat could be.

He had his own room, sure. But it was a quarter of the size of the old one and somehow all the better for it. While bare at first, the walls were eventually covered in silly posters from his favorite anime. The shelves were filled with books and toys, little knick knacks that actually made him happy to see. Some things Marinette helped him picked out. A lot of which were just things he saw and wanted. All sorts of things he had never been able to get back…there.

And he wasn���t stuck in the room either. He could leave it whenever he wanted. Spend time in the living room and watch the “television” and feed his growing love of anime (once he had gotten rid of the fireplace because he wasn’t about to risk someone trying to get in through the Floo Network, even by accident). Play “video games” with Marinette. Go on the balcony and enjoy the sun. Even just go out into the city whenever he wanted.

It was…a truly marvelous experience for someone who had been isolated for so long.

He even had a job now, working at the very shop where he had met Marinette. He knew nothing about coffee or the machines, but Potions was his best class and one he enjoyed. Mixing and cooking things to create something new was a rather amazing thing. And while coffee weren’t potions, he had come to realize that certain things he had learned in his class could translate over. A difference of heat and changing the length of time the coffee was allowed to roast resulted in a different flavor. Though he did have to fight for the position with another coworker by the name of Tikki, a friend of Marinette’s whom she introduced him to.

And that was the other thing…

“You’re a Wizard, aren’t you?”

He had admittedly not expected to run into anyone from the Wizarding world at all. But the short red-head with twinkling blue eyes caught him off guard completely.

Even as she smiled sadly at him.

“Marinette doesn’t know, does she?”

Dumbly, he could only shake his head in response.

He hadn’t wanted to be discovered. Not by anyone.

It turned out to be for the best though. Tikki was a huge help in getting him more acclimated. She explained to him more about fitting in as a Muggle. She even led him to the nearest Wizarding Bank where he was finally able to change his Galleons to the correct currency.

As a Witch herself, he knew she wouldn’t reveal him. And it was nice…having someone else who knew, even if she didn’t know the full story. She was still in touch with the Wizarding world and could help him. Giving him news or updates, point him to the nearest hidden shops for anything he might need. And yes, even laugh with him over his latest failures.

“It’s not funny!” He pouted as Tikki was practically howling after hearing the latest story about King Plagg the Roomba Rider.

“Yes, it is! YES, IT IS!”

“I even have video.” Marinette added cheerfully, much to Tikki’s pleasure as both women proceeded to look at her cellphone and chortle over the recording. Adrien was simply ignored and left to sulk.

He would never live it down.

It had been months like this, and some embarrassment aside, he had thoroughly enjoyed it. All of it.

He even enjoyed working. Though he admittedly felt a little guilty that his Veela charm seemed to draw in customers to the point where there would often be a pretty long ling just to order coffee. But Marinette and the other workers just laughed it off.

He was…really starting to consider this home.

The coffee shop. The city. The flat.

Tikki.

Plagg.

Marinette.

Rooming with Marinette was probably the best thing to happen to him. He had been trying new things. Learning so much he hadn’t known previously. Seeing things. Doing things.

Living.

It was...nice. It was home. It was everything he wanted in a home. Even if he was banned from activating anything besides the television when Marinette wasn’t there.

He was ever grateful that Plagg had led him to her.

[inspector-montoya-fox]

here’s why Thieves in Time is a bad game

before y’all try it, i just want to say that i’ll be as unapologetically petty and sarcastic as i want and fucking rip this game to shreds. yes, this is how i’ve spent my days since Thieves in Time came out. sitting alone in my room, staring at the wall, crying and complaining. because it has since been my life’s aim and dream to think about it every day, state the negative things about it, and become an evil essay witch on this half-dead website. *evil laugh*

Story:

References: i want to start with the smallest problem, but one that annoys me to this day. in the original trilogy, there weren’t a lot of references but the ones that were included were meticulously researched and well thought-out (i’m specifically referring to that Neil Diamond Carmelita vinyl gag, but can’t find the original post). the references in Thieves in Time however, were obviously just the creators’ interests. Turning Japanese, Clan of the Cave Bear and Bentley’s “hacksona” presented as Rambo just scream 1980s (which i’m assuming is the decade the creators grew up in), and Of Mice and Men is classic literature about the Great Depression, which subsequently started being taught in school in the US during the 1980s. it feels like the creators just went ‘let’s discuss what our lives had in common during our teen years and put that in’ instead of researching it first. and, here’s the thing: when you’re adding references, in order to make them funny or interesting, they have to fit in with the property or the character that’s connected to them in some way. Don Octavio was an opera aficionado so his episode’s title card pays homage to the Phantom of the Opera, young Muggshot was influenced by the movie “The Dogfather” because he’s a gangster, etc. these were funny because they were so spot-on with these characters. if every character in the Sly Cooper universe references the same type of stuff (from the 1980s) and shares the same interests, it’s just claustrophobic and uninteresting. i’m pretty sure i’m not the only one who had to look up these ultra-hetero, scrotum references when the game came out. that’s because they were specifically tailored to be funny to them, and not their target demographic which were kids in 2013.

Narrative: now that we got that out of the way, let’s look at the narrative. at the end of Sly 3, Bentley says he’s building a time machine. Sanzaru took that joke and decided to run with it as the premise for their game. ok, not the best idea, but i get it - you’re literally picking up where the last game left off. since all the storylines were wrapped up, they could’ve done something different like Sly’s kids or Bentley and Murray’s families, but this isn’t an essay about suggestions so...... time travel (i want to say that it’s, again, an 80s reference but whatever) was pretty ‘out there’ in 2013. i mean, even Plants vs Zombies 2, which was released that year, had to do with time travel (yes, i’m referencing an app). but Sanzaru had the advantage of applying this premise onto already established mythos and lore. the story had definite potential: someone is threatening Sly’s lineage so he has to travel back in time to save the day. the player would get to explore new locations and iconic eras in history, and, of course, the main selling point: playable ancestors. how could you screw that up? welp.... let’s think about the plot holes here for a sec. Bentley’s device would take the gang back in time when given an item from the specific era. stop. this right here is called ‘over-complicating’. how did they know the items would take them directly to the point where the specific ancestor was in danger? the Feudal Japan period lasted for 700 years: how did the machine know when and where to drop them off? and if the gang could return to the present at any time, why didn’t they do so when they were in trouble? oh right, the machine was broken. so how did they return the baddies to the present after they defeated them? i mean, why did they use the Grizz’s crown to travel to Medieval England if they went back to the present to drop him off to Interpol first? and on that note, how did they drop the baddies off to jail without getting caught and without Carmelita being around? i can already hear you thinking but these are total details that aren’t important, you jerk! well, yea, they truly are details and i truly am overthinking it. and yes, i truly am a jerk. but let me tell you something: when Sanzaru chose to make a new Sly game, did they not think ‘oh we’ll have to follow up Sly 2 and Sly 3′s stories’ which were well thought-out narratives with depth and various themes and didn’t have huge plot holes (as seen by my analysis through the episode project) ???? and did they also not think that their game would come out eight years after the last one, having expectations at an all-time high???? yea, that’s what i thought.

Characters: i’ll make a different section for Sucker Punch’s characters, so this is for Sanzaru’s original ones. name one iconic original character from Thieves in Time. i’ll wait... nope. not one. that’s because all of them were absolute shit. and here’s where i want to touch upon Sanzaru’s over-reliance on the trilogy. Ms Decibel (perhaps the most obvious copy) is a mix between Don Octavio, Miz Ruby, and the Contessa. El Jefe is Rajan if he went to the gym. Toothpick has Sir Raleigh’s temper and tendency to grow in size. and the Grizz is... whatever the fuck he is. (don’t worry i didn’t forget Le Paradox and Bob). there’s a difference between studying & creating similar characters and blatantly plagiarizing older characters because you lack the creativity. oh, boo-hoo this evil jerk’s telling it how it is. this set of villains is so lacklustre, i don’t even know where to begin. El Jefe is a tiger, even though we’ve already had two major tiger villains and one tiger flashlight guard. ok. Rajan could summon lightning because of the Clockwerk heart but El Jefe can do the same, how exactly? Toothpick is an armadillo (good) from Russia (better) with an obsession with the West (excellent) who can also grow huge (very bad). it’s never explained how or why. why?????? just tell me why. i want to know. i really want to know. Ms Decibel is an elephant who got into a tragic accident which left her with the power of hypnosis. music and hypnosis have already been done, but ok, i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. so how do we use this character? spend the entirety of her screen time making jokes about... wait for it... her weight !!! this is top-notch comedy... really? like... really? the creators’ humor is a crime, at best. fart jokes and fat jokes all around. oh, and then there’s the Grizz. what the fuck where they thinking? just, what the fuck. i guess the guys at Sanzaru thought black people speak in rap? is that it? apart from it being extremely offensive, it’s also a blatant copy of Dimitri’s backstory. like, his introductory cutscene even has his paintings thrown at him and into the trash, like the intro cutscene for The Black Chateau. honestly, all of these villains caused me several types of pain, but not as much as...

Bob & Le Paradox: the absolute worst. i can just imagine the meeting going something like this: Sly’s ancestors are awesome! i wish we could fit them all in the game... here’s an amazing idea! what if we use one of the game’s few levels to introduce a brand new ancestor! yea! let’s make him dumb as fuck, strip him of any athletic prowess, and retcon the entire lineage by having him be the first Cooper ever! the kids will love a prehistoric level! ..... could you kindly point out where and when did ANYONE ask for this? i remember @ironicsnap​ saying something like the game is good until Bob. no, it was already bad - Bob just lowered the standard. like, a lot. people love Murray and his gameplay is neat, but no one ever thought ‘oh i wish we had a Cooper character with Murray’s game style’. why would they waste the opportunity to bring in Henriette, Thaddeus, Otto, literally any ancestor? why??? but they went ahead and created their own Cooper, and that wasn’t even the end of it. they had to make him dumb. they had to make him unbearable. they had to ruin the Cooper ancestry by adding this mess to the lineage. Sucker Punch made sure that all the ancestors were unique, but at the same time made all of them suave and funny and slick and you wish you could be them! well, fuck that. also, his name is Bob. Bob Cooper. it’s been 7 fucking years and i still can’t wrap my head around it.... so now, let’s talk about Le Paradox. i don’t have to mention the previous main villains, but i will. Clockwerk killed Sly’s ancestors and father, and was seemingly an eternal threat. Neyla was a psychopath who fooled everyone on her journey to becoming immortal by resurrecting Clockwerk. Dr M opened up the possibility for Sly’s dad to be a jerk instead of a hero, and died trying to unlock the Coopers’ legacy. how does Le Paradox compare? well, he’s a sleazebag skunk who was mad because of his dad’s downfall to the Coopers. that’s it. no twist, no depth, no clever dialogue. nothing. there’s nothing there. this is a new character, unfamiliar to everyone, who was hyped up for 5 levels and defeated in the conclusion. why was he a match for Sly? i don’t know. how did he fight for his life and ultimately tricked Sly into helping him? i don’t know. how the hell did he kidnap Carmelita? i don’t know. was it the power of persuasion? no, he’s revolting. so i literally don’t know. there’s no backstory, no fleshing-out the character, nothing. all we’re given to work with is a brief info-dump about his dad and how he escaped prison. i don’t know what else to say apart from how big a humiliation this was for Sanzaru and their team of writers. you had 8 years to work on something and this is what you came up with? anything would be better. anything would best this utter cliché of a villain, a distasteful misogynist, crybaby, idiot with an accent. literally anything.

Arcs & Themes: let’s take a look at the formulaic subplots for the gang’s members. apart from dealing with Le Paradox, everyone had a small arc. Sly had to deal with his break-up with Carmelita. Bentley had to deal with his break-up with Penelope. Murray had to deal with playing second fiddle to Bob. Carmelita was a damsel in distress and sex bait for the ancestors. the ancestors had their own mini storylines along with reacting to Sly’s presence. there you have it. i summarised it all for you, nice and neatly. are there any themes like in the previous games? nope. i promise you i’m not lying when i say that i tried hard to come up with something, even some speck of a detail i could use to over-analyse the story and come up with some ideas on themes. nothing. there are no themes. the subplots are character-driven and the player gives it 0 emotional investment. there is nothing to analyse, nothing to talk about. maybe even a theme for each level, like a spooky level or something? nope. the levels are dependent on eras and historical periods. the variation here is ok. Feudal Japan, Wild West, Prehistoric Australia, Medieval England and Ancient Arabia  - pretty good selection. i’ll give them credit for it. but that’s it. due to the absence of themes, the hubs feel empty. there’s no replayability factor. after you collect the bottles and masks and treasures, there’s nothing. i would spend hours revisiting the trilogy’s hubs, just roaming around. the hubs here are huge and empty. there’s nothing to reminisce about. nothing to recall. oh that’s where this mission went down. no, nothing like that. the aforementioned subplots are resolved during mission cutscenes and then they’re gone. you don’t have to explore spooky Prague alone as Bentley to have him overcome his fears, you don’t have to find out miners abducted Murray’s beloved Guru and search the Australian outback for him, you don’t have to hold back your tears when you’ve reached the end of the Cooper Vault and Sly asks his dad for help. nothing.

Gameplay:

Controls: as soon as i laid my hands on the controller the first time i played the game, that fateful afternoon, i knew something was up. Sly would respond 1 second late after you pushed something on the controller. it felt clunky, is what i’m trying to say or, as my sister put it, it felt heavy. and she was right. the controls were clunky and heavy and didn’t feel light, like playing as a thief should feel. i don’t know shit about game mechanics but this definitely didn’t feel right. the hubs are also chunky in design, the cliffs are huge and so cyclical or hexagonal, that when you parachute your way to them and are just an inch close, Sly will automatically just drop because he can’t grab onto them. running as Sly doesn’t feel fast, silently obliterating guards from behind feels slow, and swinging, grabbing, pickpocketting, and hanging aren’t fun anymore. presentation-wise, @designraccoon​ goes into detail here, in an absolute gem of a post. in short, the gameplay animations make Sly look less sneaky. Sanzaru didn’t even consider a thief’s movements.

Missions: why the fuck would you remove the player’s option to choose between which mission to do first? why would you do that? the game lays out what goes first, sometimes having only one mission available in the hub. and the missions aren’t even enjoyable. firstly, the loading screens take up to 5 minutes, maybe even 7-8. secondly, there’s hacking every 2 missions. the missions don’t have any dialogue to make them fun, lack in interesting puzzles, what more can i say? they’re overly easy and lack any challenge whatsoever. at least there’s variation in gameplay (hacking, RC car, fishing, costumes, ancestors, turret etc.) but because of the controls, even these get tiresome. the missions are solely there to progress the story and that’s why the operations are merely ‘storm the main baddie’. the trilogy had some pretty interesting missions which made sure to complete jobs required to take down the big bad. e.g. kidnap General Clawfoot to take down the security, hack Contessa’s computer to make sure Carmelita will be freed, steal voices to tempt Neyla, and then take down the Contessa. the missions in Thieves in Time lack substance and variety. and the hacking (all three styles) sucks.

Collectibles: here’s another fantastic idea: have players collect costumes in order to collect bottles in order to collect treasures in order to collect masks in order to unlock funky Sanzaru logo-themed merch! what was the reason for the collectibles? in previous games, collecting all bottles would unlock special abilities. that was it. it’s the same thing here too, but there’s less incentive? i mean when you have to collect 1000 things, what’s the point? the treasures are random and very few are references to the trilogy, so whatever. and the masks unlock... superhero costumes for what reason exactly? oh, and then there’s also the achievements for your Playstation account, like ‘open the map in every single location you visit’. what fun! if the reason for collecting the treasures is to play godawful hacking minigames in order to get masks, what’s the point? decorate your paraglider with the Sanzaru logo? or have Bentley dress up as discount Robocop? i mean including masks in the interior locations was cool, but the bottles were always supposed to be something you could do whenever your soul desired. sometimes i left them last before the operation, sometimes i collected them before the first mission. so i was pissed when i found out that, in some cases, you had to unlock the episode’s costume in order to get the all the bottles. so, fuck off.

Animation: i’ll keep this short. the animation was terrible. do you remember that tumblr blog from a while back, where she dedicated the posts to pointing out the mistakes in the animated cutscenes? yeah. point is, there were lots of them. the animation style was bad, the character design was ugly, the characters’ movements were unnatural. everything about it was shit. looking past the bad decision to drop the trilogy’s comicbook-style animated cutscenes, couldn’t they have hired someone better? someone with more experience? their concept art was awesome. couldn’t they hire that guy and have it be comicbook style if he wasn’t trained in animation?

Legacy:

The Players: let me ask a genuine question: who was this game made for? kids growing up in 2013? maybe so. because it feels like Sanzaru didn’t even consider the fans of the trilogy. actually, it felt like a huge fuck you. Sucker Punch made their trilogy for whoever. there were great stuff for kids, but adults would pick up and appreciate the references, the real-life setting (e.g. tobacco use, existence of nightclubs, spice instead of drugs, etc.). that’s why all three games are timeless classics. judging by Thieves in Time’s humor, the game wasn’t targeted for adults. so, it doesn’t make sense to use an already established property, beloved by its fans, to attract a new audience consisting of nine year-olds who’d laugh at Murray dressing up as a woman. if they really wanted to appeal to the fans of the original, why retcon everything? why change who the first Cooper was? when the gang’s stranded in Saudi Arabia, why have Sly say ‘i couldn't remember a time since we've teamed up that we felt so defeated’? the gang’s been in way deeper shit before. why the ‘Sly’s dad vs Le Paradox’s dad’ deus ex machina? Sly’s dad wasn’t famous because of stealing the world’s largest diamond, what the fuck are you even talking about? do the guys at Sanzaru have such big egos and bravado that they needed to change the original games’ lore? were they so preoccupied with leaving their signature on a property which was never their own? i don’t know who needs to read this, but i’m stating FACTS.

Characters: now let’s talk about Sanzaru’s treatment of the Cooper gang and the ancestors (female characters will get their own section). why would you change the characters like that? if it wasn’t for the voice acting, i’d say this is a completely different Cooper gang. there’s no wise-cracking band of best friends, going on heists and being proud of their brotherhood and bond. all that is replaced with the formulaic story arcs for each member. the trilogy’s cutscenes and dialogues made sure to establish how Sly, Bentley and Murray have lived together since they met at the orphanage, play videogames all day and order chinese food and pizza and whatever. through missions and their adventures, they face obstacles they have to overcome as a gang, and when Sly 3 came around, their friendship was put to the ultimate test when they almost disbanded. Thieves in Time was too lazy to add to this. Sanzaru thought ‘oh the trilogy showed how they’re best friends so we might as well have them focus on their own stories separately’ and if this is truly the case then i ask again: who was this game made for? because new fans would never know how tight the gang was just by playing Thieves in Time. there’s a lack of genuine friendship moments. like, what happened when Sly came back after faking his amnesia? that’s completely ignored. where’s the witty banter? the ‘wizard & sitting duck’ type of jokes? nothing of the sort. what we get is fart jokes and Murray wanting to dress up as a woman. on that note, what was that all about? ok, have him dress up as a geisha to get in. fine. have El Jefe slap his ass, have him perform in a painfully lengthy dance sequence, have him dress like that during the rest of the episode, and then have him be persistent about getting the belly-dancing gig? the hell? Murray was always kinda goofy but this just feels kinda homophobic? it feels dragged out and unfunny. and then there’s the ancestors. i said it once before and i’ll say it again, Sanzaru deprived me of a buff Arab daddy Salim Al Kupar and gave us that elderly shit instead. all jokes aside, the redesigns were uninteresting. why take away Tennessee Kid’s facial hair and give it to Galleth? i legitimately think all the ancestors were boring. i mean, their gameplay was cool, especially Tennessee Kid’s guns, but in terms of character, they were just some dudes. did they believe that Sly was their descendant from the future? maybe. did they care? nope. they all had the same storyline of dealing with Sly’s arrival, flirting with Carmelita and getting their canes stolen. that was it. the fans waited for so long to get even a glimpse of the ancestors in action, and Sanzaru downplayed all of them. they reduced them to useless idiots too occupied with women and food, incapable of getting their canes back from stupid Le Paradox. and they didn’t even stick to the lore. no ma’am. let’s make Rioichi the inventor of sushi !! because that makes total sense and would defo fit in with the character and the property! why. just, why. you were handed the lore !!! you were given all this rich backstory and you threw it all away to replace it with trash !!! complete trash.

Changes & Inconsistency: i want to briefly mention some changes that pissed me off. where’s the laser glide move? it was an important turning point at the end of Sly 3, so why did they get rid of it? Sly is a master thief who’s traveling back in time, so you’d think they’d actually make him a master thief. also, the changes in the binocucom and Bentley’s slideshows in order to modernise them. if Sucker Punch managed to place the mission starting points at locations where the binocucom would show the objective clearly, so could Sanzaru. instead, they chose to have it be a moving camera, floating around the hub. and Bentley’s slideshows were absolute classics, opportunities to include gags and have Bentley show off in his own way. you just had to change it into a tablet, didn’t you. omg you’re still looking at small details like these? yes sweetie, i consider the details because i think they shape the game more than anything. if i didn’t consider the details, then my opinion on the game would be incomplete. when i praise the trilogy i don’t only look at story and gameplay. because i’m unbiased like that. here, i’d also like the mention Dimitri. what a fucking waste. you either include him in the game or you don’t. but don’t give me some half-baked shit on how he’s working for the gang back in present day. Dimitri staying home, waiting on the gang to call him in order for him to give them details on the villains. how does that even slightly resemble anything about Dimitri’s character? they didn’t even include his voice, some greasy sweet Raccoonus Doodus dialogue.

Female Characters: you know it’s all been leading up to this. this is the crux of the Thieves in Time hate. i don’t want to say the game is misogynistic so i’ll call it anti-feminist. why? just answer me. why? why did you have to disrespect Carmelita like that? right off the bat, they swapped the pants for the skirt. in what world does an active inspector who’s always on the scene wear a skirt? Carmelita now wears a skirt because her only role in the game is to be the love interest. Carmelita now wears bright red lipstick and has a new hairstyle, which would be ok if only it wasn’t Carmelita. Carmelita now plays up her inner sassy Latina because she’s pigeonholed into the ‘angry ex girlfriend’ role. they compartmentalised her, tried to sexualise her because she couldn’t possibly be one of the boys. nope. let’s take a respected woman, high in rank and as physically able as Sly, and turn her into a cliché, an angry ex girlfriend for comedic relief, strip her of her abilities and have her be kidnapped twice, have every exchange with her be about how attractive she is, have almost every male character in the game flirt with her, have her boyfriend be jealous of his own ancestors because they’re flirting with her in order to create purposeless love triangles, and then, after all that, dress her up as a belly dancer and distract some guards while the rest of the gang do the heavy lifting. that last one was really the nail on the coffin. did Bentley have other ways to enter that door? absolutely. so, what the fuck? why did i come back for a good Sly game 8 years later and receive a game where you have to shake your controller to have Carmelita shake her ass? why did they have the guards’ eyes pop like that? why did no one stop them? and it isn’t just Carmelita. it’s Penelope too. god forbid we have a female character who doesn’t have a waist smaller than my finger, and a voluptuous physique. why was the redesign so drastic? the story stuff is also nonsensical. why did she leave? wasn’t she happy with Bentley? i watched her speech about turning on the gang about a thousand times and it still doesn’t make any sense. like, i literally don’t understand. what was her motive? and why reverse her story of overcoming the Black Baron persona and the connotations of a meek woman hiding behind a man’s disguise? why repeat it, shamelessly? do the guys at Sanzaru only know women who have recently broken up? why does Carmelita, Penelope and Ms Decibel all go through break-ups during the game? why does Penelope go against Bentley before they even break up? why waste the opportunity to introduce a new, well-written villain and use it to repeat something already done? why???? no woman is safe from Sanzaru because Ms Decibel... boy, did i feel bad for her. apart from continuously reminding us that she’s haha fat!! she’s also presented as a blind lovefool. love? what a silly concept only women believe in! Ms Decibel had a crush on Le Paradox (for some reason i can’t even fathom) and for that she must pay by being utterly humiliated. and what do ALL women do when a guy breaks up with them? they get so angry! yikes, stay clear guys! ....why does Sanzaru hate female characters? i’m genuinely curious. i mean, what forced them to depict women like this? i’m sorry, i can’t take much more of this.

Ending: and how do you end a disappointment that came 8 years late and didn’t even have a sequel guaranteed? yeap, you guessed it! a cliffhanger. but not just any cliffhanger - a total fuck you to anyone and everyone. with a single move Sanzaru instantly screwed over the franchise. the fans, the creators, the characters, anyone looking to continue the series. everyone. WHY would you trap the protagonist in the past? WHY? did you feel defensive about something that wasn’t even yours and went ‘well you can continue the series but the sequel will have to do with time travel’. why did you think it was a good idea? how does it even slightly resemble a good ending? someone fill me in please. because i don’t think i’m being unreasonable, i’m just telling it how it is.

Conclusion:

i did it. i fucking wrote it in all its motherfucking glory. the idiots at Sanzaru could’ve given us an amazing game but instead of working on how to make it better or including extra levels, they wasted their time on deciding what killable baby animal to include in each hub or what the backstory for each treasure should be. how fucking distasteful. and to think i’m an idiot myself for trying to force myself to like it because i was so in denial about how bad it was. i’ve just outlined everything wrong with that cursed game. i’m exhausted.

[fortune-fool02]

More than a Machine

Android Jonathan Joestar x Robert E.O Speedwagon

This was inspired by the Android AU that @lyssors helped support! Thank you again for that! 

Android/ DBH AU 

Please enjoy. 

2038. In this day and age, humans were no longer the peak of perfection. That spot belonged to the human's greatest creations: Artificial Intelligence, Androids. The perfect being. Never tire. Never blinded by emotion. Perfectly obedient to any and all given commands. Unable to talk back. Every flaw that humans had were removed from them. Emotionless. Indifferent. Obedient. Perfect. Just because they looked human, it did not make them human, as many believed.

But that all began to change. Slowly, like a tiny strand in the genetic chain of evolution, the androids began to change. Thinking for themselves, questioning their owners and some even disobeying completely. Many feared this, no longer trusting their own androids and even becoming hostile towards them if they felt unsafe. While many treated them as items and objects, things to be replaced and thrown away once they grew bored of it or the newest model came out, there were those who did no such thing. Instead, they treated them as more than items and objects, treating them as individual beings with their own thoughts and feelings, like humans.

Robert Speedwagon was one of those people. He knew what it was like to be shoved about and treated like the lowest scum on Earth. He has had his fair share of fights -as resulted by the many scars on his body and the countless nights of patching himself up or having a friend do it for him- but he would never hurt someone who didn't deserve it. While he may be a thug, he was not a horrible person to those who knew him. Though, with the decline in jobs due to the androids taking their place was more than a kick in the knees for people like him who were forced to resort to stealing just to make some money. And yes, he couldn't deny he had some form of bitterness towards the androids but it remained at that.

But that changed when he found an android slumped against the wall, blue blood leaking from an open 'wound' on its chest where its regulator was. The dim glow on the LED light told him it was damaged but still working. Seeing as no one was around, he took it to his place thinking he could salvage some parts to sell or sell it as a whole.

He muttered to himself as he opened the android's chest and examined it a bit. He had a bit of knowledge of android repairs and whatnot, and noticed the two disconnected wires -likely done so during the damage- and reconnected them. A sharp gasp left the android as he sat upright, the LED light flashing blue as his eyes darted around, scanning his environment as his systems rebooted and came back online. 

Speedwagon tried to calm the android down. The blue-haired android calmed, his scanners confirming he was safe and all his systems were running smoothly again. Once he had calmed and gathered himself, the android introduced himself as Jonathan, a JJ-180 model; the model was a rare prototype given to Lord George Joestar as a gift, the model was one of a kind.

As he is programmed, Jonathan was nothing sort of a gentleman to Speedwagon, thanking him for fixing him and helping him, which did surprise the blonde human. Well, seeing as this model was a prototype and belonged to a Lord, he was easily worth a lot of money and not to mention he was very easy on the eyes. No human could be as well built and beautiful as Jonathan. But now there was the dilemma: What to do? Reset the android and sell it off? Keep it? What to do? Well, with him still somewhat damaged, Speedwagon thought it best to keep hold of him until someone came looking for him.

And that was how Speedwagon ended up with an android despite having little money to his name.

Jonathan was, surprisingly, a caring android despite being programmed for a Lord and acted more of a carer than anything; kind and warm, gentle and soft despite his large build, to be honest, there were a handful of moments where Speedwagon had forgotten Jonathan was an android until he noticed the LED light on the side of his head again. It was known that some androids were programmed to 'care' with their operation systems but none seemed to match the way Jonathan showed this.

It was mostly thanks to Lord Joestar who had treated him as a son rather than an android. He would thank Jonathan if he completed a job, he took the android's condition into consideration and whenever there were guests, he asked them to treat Jonathan with respect. But there were occasions where he came back home with dirt and slightly torn clothes from people pushing him around because he was an android.

Accessing Memory File. March 3rd 2038. 10:51am....

Jonathan sat across from George, the man's cane resting beside them as he threaded the needle through the rip one final time, sealing it fully and pulling the thread away. He grabbed the pair of scissors beside him and snipped the thread.

"There. Good as new." He spoke, setting the tools aside and holding the jumper up. Jonathan smiled at it and took it from him, slipping it back on.

"Thank you, George." The jumper had been a gift from George so Jonathan didn't have to wear the uniform all the time. Even though Jonathan stated he didn't require clothing, George insisted, telling him that he didn't need a servant. Jonathan was confused at this but he continued with the duties given to him. George smiled at him,

"JoJo, you know I am not going to be around forever. Humans are not like machines, we're fragile. We break down and eventually, we die." Jonathan turned his head and looked at George at this, his scanners quickly analysing George's condition. He did have a few medical conditions but nothing that posed a high fatality rate.  "I want you to be safe when I'm no longer here."

"George, I'm afraid I don't...quite understand what you mean." George smiled lightly at this and placed his hand on Jonathan's shoulder, patting it lightly.

"I am going to leave everything in my possession to you when I pass." Jonathan looked at him, flecks of confusion on his face at this. Everything was being inherited to him?

"But George, your inheritance should go to your next of kin or related family." That was how it went, everyone knew that. Though he simply smiled at the blue-haired android.

"Jonathan, you are my son. And that won't change because we have different coloured blood." His words weren't hollow nor false, Jonathan was his son regardless of their differences and he would proudly defend him if the situation arose. Jonathan felt himself smile at this.

"Hey, JoJo, you alright?" Speedwagon's voice pulled him from his memory file, bringing him back to the present moment, "You zoned out there for a minute." Jonathan looked over and smiled a bit,

"Yes, I'm fine, Speedwagon." He responded and continued with the task he had given himself. It had been a few weeks since Speedwagon had found him and he just couldn't bring himself to rest the android or sell him off, it just felt wrong to do so. Plus, he was amazing company. During his time there, Jonathan had noticed a similar pattern between Speedwagon and George: They both treated him like a human. But what did that mean?

George treated Jonathan like a human because he viewed him as a son, but what did Speedwagon view him as? Friend? Ally? After finishing his task, Jonathan moved and stood aside, awaiting another command.

"Speedwagon, may I ask you something?" He asked, looking at the blonde man as he read the newspaper.

"Yeah, sure. What is it?" He set the newspaper aside, showing the android he had his full attention.

"Why do you treat me like a human?" Confusion painted Speedwagon's face at this, his head titling lightly as he thought.

"Well, it's just you're so....human-like. You look human, sound human and on occasions, act human too."

That caught Jonathan's curiosity. He acted human? How can one act like something they aren't? His thoughts jumbled a bit, trying to figure out what that meant.

"How though? How can I be human if I am an android? A machine?" That was what he was though. Mechanical mechanisms composed together and dressed up to mimic human appearance and speech. The blue LED flashed yellow, circling as he tried to process it.

"JoJo, just because you're one thing it doesn't make you unable to be something else. Look at me, I'm a thug but I'm not a jackass like others are."  He had come clean to Jonathan about his past and the things he has done and yet the android didn't see him any different as the kind man who reactivated him and repaired him. That was what Speedwagon was trying to get through to him.

"But-"

"No buts. Yes, you're an android but you're also whatever you wish to be. You're an intelligent being with thoughts and knowledge, you care. That's what makes you who you are, JoJo." He took in the answer and processed it, "You're not just a machine, JoJo."

He repeated those words in his mind over and over again, breaking it down and analysing it further. It was similar to what George would tell him but there was something else in there. Something he couldn't quite define. Slowly, Speedwagon's hand moved towards his, their fingers gently brushing against one another. His touch was warm, while Jonathan's was cool with a smooth texture. It felt...nice.  The blue-haired android watched, a mix of curiosity and wonder in his eyes as their hands moved closer to each other, pressing their palms against each others. The skin on his hand fading away to reveal the smooth, snow-white colour beneath that every android had, the pale blue lights glowing more than they should.

Speedwagon seemed just as fascinated at this as Jonathan was, a warmth softly bloomed within him as he watched the android slowly lower his fingers between his, interlocking them together. Something about this felt right in a way neither of them understood. How their hands seemed to fit perfectly together like two pieces in a puzzle. The odd warmth that seemed to spark and bloom from this simple touch.

Perhaps...they were not so different after all? Maybe he truly was more than just a machine.  

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Oh man. So I just watched a documentary HBO released. It was fantastic but there's a TON of talk about violence & s*xual assault because it was a documentary about...

Woodstock 99.

Now when this happened I was 14. I liked a lot of those bands & thus watched it on MTV (because back then MTV still played music, although MTV2 played more music up my alley, less pop) so I watched this all happen in real time over the course of 3 days. It was bananas.

The documentary was a lot of footage from the event, interviews with attendees, music journalists, the event creators (who still somehow maintain it was a success & 'not as bad as the media made it out to be'), random staff (security & emt), and some artists.

Now, I must retract a statement made yesterday on my Queen of the Damned rant, as Jon Davis was interviewed on this doc. Jon, I apologize for & retract statements made yesterday. You have cleaned it up & it was good to see you looking healthier than I've seen you look in the better part of 2 decades. Proud of you man. Glad you're flourishing. Sorry I was an asshole yesterday.

Can't say the same for my boy Dexter Holland from The Offspring. I wouldn't have known it was him if not for the text onscreen identifying him. He legit looked like someone made a massive overly tanned balloon caricature of him. Holy shit. And this isn't just some "getting older" weight that most people get. This is like... Don Vito from Viva La Bam (rip) level shit. Like...wow.

Moby was interviewed & they showed footage of his bus coming into the venue and I gotta say... dude is still a pretentious piece of shit. I don't understand how he can have his head so far up his own ass & still be able to speak audibly for cameras. Dude wasn't even that good for his genre, much less in general!

Don't get me wrong, I grew up listening to a ton of different genres. Still do. That's what you get when your dad is a musician & your mom is schizoaffective & your stepmom is an 80s new wave/pop person who loves fucking John Hughes movies. Tons of variety. At the 'height' of his career, I was listening to The Prodigy (RIP Keith Flint♡), Chemical Brothers, Crystal Method, and Daft Punk. But jesus christ Moby was crap.

Moby: fuck you. You're a shit artist & a garbage person. If I ever meet you, you're getting a cane to the nuts just because of who you are as a person. Then probably again for assaulting the public with your crap electronic music. Wanker.

So the present day interviews did just talk about the events of the festival but also things that were happening in the world at the time because a huge part of why it became the shit show it did was that it catered to & drew in a very specific demographic: angry white dudes between 20-25. They probably weren't sure why they were angry but they absolutely fucking were.

So in talking about what was happening at the time they obviously touched on the Clinton/Lewinsky thing, the fears about y2k, and the like.

The best part of this entire documentary for me:

They talked about the napster thing & the stance Lars Urlich from Metallica took on it. There were actually a number of artists who disagreed with his stance. There was footage of a round table style interview with him & Chuck D from Public Enemy. Lars is over there looking pissy while Chuck D was saying "I think this is a great thing because it puts the music back into the hands of the people." The idea being that they can easily share it with friends & it ends up gaining them new fans. Hell, that was the entire basis for Dashboard Confessional's career. Their vocalist has openly stated that if not for sites like Napster, Limewire, & Kazaa, nobody would have ever heard their music.

Cut to an interview with present day Dave Munstaine (formerly of Metallica but has been the front for Megadeth for far longer. He may also be the reason behind my thing for redheaded dude. Hm.) Let me just say, for being a 59 year old rockstar who just survived throat cancer, that man is still fucking gorgeous. And the hair is still long & red, bless him.

Anyway, his interview is my favorite fucking part because this man said something along the lines of:

"I remember back when I was with Metallica trading mixed cassette tapes. That's how we found new music. This isn't different. Why did Lars do what he did? I mean, who knows why someone does something like that. Doesn't he have enough money? I certainly think so..."

Y'ALL. I legit had to pause it & out loud said "BROOOOOOOOO. That is the most serious but legit shade I've ever seen thrown IN MY LIFE."

Then text my dad (because Metallica is his favorite & he tries to tell me all the time how Lars was justified) & didn't quote it but told him the Dave just threw serious fucking shade at Lars for the Napster thing & that he HAS to watch this doc.

His response was: "lol yeah there's definitely no love lost between Dave & Metallica. You hear Megadeth is putting out a new album despite Dave having just recovered from throat cancer?"

(I had not known about the album or the cancer. I hope Dave is doing well. Love him.)

But yes, that was the absolute highlight of my fucking week much less the documentary.

A warning: the low point of the doc is when attendees & journalists are talking about the instances of the aforementioned assaults & they cut to one of the even organizers present day interview & he says:

"I mean, we aren't talking about thousands of instances or even hundreds. There were maybe 50 or so." (At which point I scream "THAT WERE OFFICIALLY REPORTED YOU SCUMBAG!" This was later confirmed for me by an attendee who set up an anonymous site for attendees to report if they had been assaulted at the event so they wouldn't feel alone & have there story heard. There WERE 1000s.) Then he went on to say: "All those women who were walking around topless or wearing body paint, expecting not to be touched, they are partly to blame."

EXCUSE SIR, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ON CAMERA FOR A DOCUMENTARY?!?!

Then he keeps talking about the event was an overall success & blames the artists for riling up the crowd (bruh you booked a load of bands that are angry. Korn. Dmx. Rage Against the Machine. Limp fucking Bizkit. What did you expect them to do? Come out and play fucking folk music? No. Their brand is fucking anger.) & of course the media for 'blowing it way out of proportion & scewing the narrative by only interviewing artists who were upset/angry.'

But every artist who was interviewed in present day was like "Yeah the energy of the crowd was fucking insane & hostile." Artists kept having to begin sets or stop mid-set to be like "Hey man! I'm seeing a lot of chicks getting groped while they crowd surf or out there enjoying the music. That shit is unacceptable. They deserve to enjoy themselves without getting groped. Ladies, if a dude crowd surfs by you, grab his fucking balls! Equality, right ladies?!" (This particular quote was from Dexter Holland mid-set with The Offspring. God love him.)

In short, good doc if you aren't triggered by such things, especially if you watched it in real time back in 99. Absolutely worth it for the Dave Munstaine shade. I'm still reeling about that. Fucking brilliant.

Dave, I know you're nearly my dad's age, but call me. I've loved you since i was like 6 yrs old.

(I also loved Sebastian Bach of Skid Row at the time, but let's keep that on the down low. What can I say, I love musicians with good hair.)

[writersrealmbts]

BC,LL: Little Words

Description: Yoongi’s kitten is growing, and he’s couldn’t be happier--even if Taehyung thinks he could. Sanctuary Series: Big Changes, Little Life story.

Warnings: N/A.

Posted: 01/20/2020

Tags: Yoongi, Hybrid!Yoongi, Dad!Yoongi

Fluffy fluff with a hint of angst: 2,204 words

A/N: It’s been ten months since I updated this. Exactly ten months. Now, I know you guys are going to skip over this, but I want to say that I don’t think Yoongi will ever have a love interest. Not while Euny is little, maybe when she’s a teenager or something. So, I’m going to say that this series is complete, with the caveat of requests or something. If you have objections to Yoongi not having a love interest, come discuss it with me!

Yoongi lifted the blanket. “Boo!”

She jumped, and grinned, giggling happily.

He let the blanket drop over her again and snatched it up. “Boo!”

She squealed and made grabby hands as she giggled.

He scooped her up, tilting her so he could blow a raspberry on her adorably chubby tummy.

Eunyeong squealed in delight, playfully batting at his ears.

He laughed and then cuddled her, play-biting on her ears and drawing out more giggles and even a playful little growl that meant nothing as she squirmed in delight in his hold.

She descended into purrs soon enough, nuzzling his jaw and eyes droopy with happiness and sleepiness.

He lay her down in her crib with a soft purr, draping the blankets over her as her eyes shut and her sleepy purrs slowed.

“Teach me your magic,” Taehyung whispered from the doorway. “Or is the magic that she loves you better.”

“I’m her father,” Yoongi said, trying not to preen at how happy he felt at being able to put her down for a nap more easily than Tae or their occasional babysitter.

“I wouldn’t have expected her to fall asleep after getting riled up like that.” Taehyung flicked the light off with his tail as they headed out into the living room, carefully closing the door so that they could talk without waking her. “How was her appointment?”

“Doctor said she’s at a healthy weight and they’re happy with her progress,” He purred, letting himself ride the high of such a good report. “They still want us to keep her on the formula mixed with oatmeal, but we’re clear to feed her mostly solid foods.”

Taehyung grinned. “That’s great, hyung. She’s growing so fast.”

“The only thing they’re worried about is her talking level. She’s still a little behind there,” Yoongi said, cleaning up some of the toys and blankets from playing with Euny. “But we already knew that.”

“That’s why we’re reading to her more, right?”

“Yeah.” Yoongi moved into the kitchen, effectively sorting the dishes and stacking them next to the sink. He filled the sink and turned to grab a dishcloth, only to find Taehyung holding one with a stubborn look.

“I’ll wash, hyung, it’s only fair. I was gone this morning.” He stepped around Yoongi and started washing immediately. “I sold a few paintings, hyung.”

“Really? That’s great, Tae,” The elder purred, patting Taehyung on the back. “Your older or your newer?”

“Older, the ones I did in school. I’ve got the pictures and prints for my portfolio, don’t worry,” Taehyung reassured Yoongi’s next concerns with a grin. “The gallery said I could come back and sell again next time.”

Yoongi just grinned back, ruffling the monkey’s hair.

“Appa.” Euny’s voice came from the monitor and both of them paused, listening carefully.

“Appa!” She called again, louder this time.

Yoongi sighed. “She’s already awake?”

“Did we turn on the white-noise-machine?”

Yoongi groaned, and then headed back in to look at his pouty baby.

Her tail was sort of flicking back and forth in agitation.

He went over. “What’s wrong, princess?”

Her ears swiveled every which way and then flattened and she hissed, but not at him, just as a demonstration to him that something was wrong and she couldn’t explain what.

But he knew Tae was right just by the way her ears had swiveled around. He hummed thoughtfully and turned on the machine, then twisted the key on the music box that Seokjin had given her for her birthday. She loved it to pieces and it played one of the songs Yoongi had written for Eunyeong—a lullaby that he had Jungkook record a couple days after Taehyung returned from Europe, but that was currently only circulated around his family members—and it had a cute little kitten inside it that was frolicking in stardust.

Her purr was immediate after hearing the first note of the music box. “Appa.”

He purred in response, then quietly hummed the song along with the music box, scooping her up again and lovingly nuzzling her.

She drifted off more slowly, still not quite asleep when he lay her in her crib, but quickly dropping off as he backed away.

Taehyung glared at him when he returned. “No fair at all.”

Yoongi just shrugged. “You have to take into account that I also understand her kitten behavior better, Tae.”

“Yeah, yeah. So it was the white-noise machine?”

“Yup.”

“Did she really hiss at you?”

“Not at me, just as a general statement, really.” He shrugged. “She hissed at the lack of sound. She’s never hissed at me.”

“Lucky,” Tae huffed. “She’s all giggles and purrs for you and her crying doesn’t last nearly as long as it does for me, or Bethany.”

“Speaking of Bethany, did you really go on a date with her?”

“Oh…um…maybe?”

Yoongi groaned. “I need to find a new babysitter, don’t I?”

“Sorry, hyung.”

“You better find me a new one,” He warned, a slight growl to his tone. “I liked her and Ariel recommended her.”

“If you get the promotion they keep dangling in front of you, then we can move back closer to home and the others can help.”

“I told you, it was just thrown out as something that may or may not happen next year. They’re still constructing offices that way and I’m one of several candidates, not to mention the only hybrid candidate. My company is pretty good about equal opportunity, but the chances are still slim to none. Neither of us should get our hopes up. Now, you’re going to be the one talking to Jimin for three hours to talk to Ariel for ten minutes.”

“You make that sound like a bad thing,” Taehyung protested, grinning.

“It is a bad thing, Taehyung,” Yoongi growled a little more.

The monkey ducked his head, tail finding and wrapping around Yoongi’s wrist. “I’m sorry, hyung. Really.”

“It took Eunyeong all of the two weeks you were gone to warm up to Bethany, and even then she still cried when either of us left her for another month. Just because she was a baby when she was abandoned doesn’t mean she doesn’t still have abandonment issues,” Yoongi said firmly. “Maybe a human baby wouldn’t, but Euny isn’t human. She’s a hybrid.”

Taehyung’s head was hanging. “I know. I really am sorry, hyung. I’ll take care of it.”

Yoongi sighed, but patted Taehyung on the back, ending that conversation. He knew the younger man didn’t mean to cause trouble. He’d always been a little impulsive, but he cared for Eunyeong strongly and would do his best to replace their current babysitter—if need be.

“Did she already tell you she wouldn’t be back?”

“No, but I’m assuming right now. I need to call her about Wednesday night, so we’ll see what happens. If she refuses, then I’ll ask our family for Wednesday and you’ll have to get to work finding a replacement.” They both had important things on Wednesday night—Taehyung at a gallery, and Yoongi at a work gala he didn’t want to go to but needed to if he wanted to stay in consideration for the promotion.

“Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“What about you?”

“What about me?” Yoongi asked, looking up at his brother in confusion.

Taehyng was focused on whatever dish he was washing. “It’s just…one of the reasons we got a babysitter was so that we could both do things. So you could go on dates…even if I’m not available….”

Yoongi internally cringed, but outwardly just started messing with his own hair.

“I mean, when was the last time you’ve gone on a date?” Taehyung asked, obviously concerned.

Yoongi shrugged. “Remember that orange tabby?”

Taehyung made a choked sound. “Before you moved here?! Two years ago?!”

Yoongi shrugged again.

“Hyung, you need to get out more!” Taehyung looked very concerned, almost panicked. “It’s not healthy!”

“And it is healthy to have a different date everyone night?” Yoongi snapped back, frowning and folding his arms. “I’m not suffering, Tae.”

“You don’t honestly want to do it alone your whole life,” Taehyung replied.

Yoongi hardened. “Do what alone?”

Tae froze, eyes widening.

“Do what alone, Taehyung? Raise Eunyeong?” He asked again, glaring at his brother.

Taehyung’s gaze dropped to the dishes again.

Yoongi huffed in frustration. “My priority is making sure Eunyeong grows up happy and healthy. I don’t need a significant other to make sure she has everything she needs. Would it maybe be easier? Maybe. And yes, I wonder if she would be better off in the future having a mom in her life, but that’s not a good reason to enter into a relationship.” Not to mention he didn’t feel the need to be in a relationship. “If you feel like I’m holding you back in any way, you’re free to move out.”

Taehyung’s gaze snapped back up to look at Yoongi in true panic and regret. “I didn’t mean that, hyung! I just…I don’t want you to get lonely.”

“I’m not,” Yoongi replied gently, satisfied that Taehyung understood him. “I’m not lonely. If I do get lonely, you’ll probably be one of the first to know. But dating…right now, I’m not interested. I have everything I wanted—well, other than living close to the rest of our family. But I have my own place, a job I love, a nice roommate, and my daughter. I never thought I would be this happy. I know I’m not a mom, but I’m doing the best that I can and I haven’t hesitated to ask for help, have I?”

Taehyung shook his head, drying his hands and coming over to latch onto Yoongi.

Yoongi sighed and patted his back. “I know you mean well, Tae. And if someone comes along that I’m interested in, then I’ll freak out and probably lose my chance with them and come home and cuddle with Eunyeong talking about how I don’t need anyone.”

Tae let out a little monkey laugh at that, tail wrapping around Yoongi’s waist and knocking them over onto the couch.

“Yah!” Yoongi protested loudly.

Tae just laughed and stayed attached to Yoongi, forcing him into cuddling.

Yoongi protested for a while longer, then just resigned himself to it after a while, especially since his insomniac brother was fast asleep.

A nap didn’t sound too bad.

A little giggle came from the baby monitor.

Tae woke up just enough for Yoongi to escape and get the little kitten.

Yoongi carried her back out to the couch, letting Tae cuddle back up to him.

Euny curled on his chest, giggling as she made little kitten noises with her stuffed animal.

He moved it for her, creating more little giggles and a purr, and felt a warm sense of satisfaction. He read to her, speaking lowly and catching the way she just stared at his face in awe. Maybe understanding, maybe just listening to his low voice as he read.

“Appa,” She murmured, eyes looking heavy.

“Yes, princess?” He asked lowly, glancing to make sure Tae was still asleep.

“‘Ove oo,” She slurred with a mewl. She let out a little kitty sound that said she loved him.

He returned the cat-like affection, then shifted so they were cuddled up more comfortably. “I love you too, Eunyeong.”

“Wuv Taetae too,” She slurred, reaching over and patting Taehyung’s head.

His tail languidly wrapped around her ankle.

Yoongi kissed her chubby little cheek. “He loves you too, princess.”

She wiggled up and kissed him. “Appa.”

He purred softly, brushing her hair from her face and pressing kisses all over her face and getting more giggles and wiggled.

“No, appa!” She squealed as he playfully mouthed her kitten ears, giggling and wriggling to try and escape.

He grinned and laughed, ducking so she could get back at him. He slid them onto the floor, laying on his stomach while she crawled over him and tried to catch his tail-tip (which he let her do because she was moving so well and he was so proud of his baby, he could withstand her little bites on his tail).

He got distracted by his phone for a moment while she was playing with his tail. He grinned and nudged Taehyung awake. “Taehyung-ah.”

Taehyung looked at him blearily.

“Jin said that she’s having twins,” He said, amusement putting a little bit of a cat noise in his voice.

Taehyung started laughing. “Of course she is.”

“One boy and one girl,” He added, shaking his head and pulling Euny away from the corner of the coffee table.

Euny went to Tae, holding her arms out. “Up peas.”

He complied and scooped her up, still laughing about Emma’s situation. “They going to be okay?”

“Yeah, Hobi is moving back in with them to help out with the triplets.”

They both got quiet after a bit while Euny babbled to her stuffed bunny.

“Okay, you really need to get that promotion so we can move closer to home.”

“Yup.”

“Yup yup!” Euny chirped, giggling and grinning at both of them.

Taehyung melted and started cooing over her and tickling her.

Yoongi watched with satisfaction, feeling complete.

--

Previous Part.   Next Part.

Masterlist.  Sanctuary Series Masterpost. 

Tagging: @ephemeral-mindset​  @young-yellkie​  @alex--awesome--22​  @bryvada​  @missmoxxiesworld​  @knjhe​  (Taglist)

[jihyosforehead]

nayeon being soft to dahyun?

3:07am finds nayeon quietly making her way into the kitchen. the sticky sweet smell of the summer rain has seeped into their apartment; but the humidity has her pulling at the front of her shirt, puffing it around to bring herself some semblance of relief.

the moonlight peeked through half sealed blinds while the house stood still. and nayeon listens for the telltale sounds of the rhythmic whirring of the fan in their shared bedroom and the clock ticking quietly on the wall as she shuffles down the hallway. she leans against the counter for a second to pull her phone out a pocket, a small, involuntary smile lifting the corners of her lips when her lockscreen flashes briefly - it’s a photo taken about a month ago during the aftermath of board game night. dahyun’s fallen asleep at their coffee table, on top of a half-packed away game of monopoly, one cheek squished to the wooden surface, her hair hanging over the side of her face, mouth slightly hanging open, nayeon’s about 90% certain drool is dripping down dahyun’s chin though dahyun still insists it’s just a trick of the light (it’s not) and kookeu sleeping on top of her head.

she flicks through her saved recipes and settles on a simple one she’d bookmarked for a moment exactly like this.

she putters around the freezer for the frozen berries and some butter, cheering under her breath when she spots the unopened package of ice cream they’d bought earlier that day, dahyun’s wide grin etched permanently in her mind’s eye at the memory. dahyun had dragged her to the freezer aisle and proceeded to go into the most detailed, well-informed spiel on why they should buy this particular brand even though it was like, so, hideously expensive. for ice cream.  

“-it’s versatile and this brand this is such good quality. all of their ice cream is produced sustainably - babe, they use wind turbines! renewable energy! - and all their ingredients are fairtrade. look, this one uses dairy and ingredients from local farms that operate using the national organic product regulations! and look, this one donates its proceeds to animal shelters and this one does- ”

of course they’d bought the ice cream. in all honesty, she’d pay whatever stupid, expensive price to see the soft, thoroughly delighted smile dahyun had rewarded her with, immediately after.

nayeon digs in their cupboard for mugs, a mixing bowl, a spatula, some flour, and sugar.

a few moments later she watches the as the berries mix into the pale batter staining it with swirls of purples and reds and pinks and she’s unable to help herself from swiping some of the sweet mixture from the edge of the bowl and onto the tip of her tongue. the satisfied hum escapes beneath her involuntarily.

shifting forwards, the bowl is abandoned for two mismatched mugs. one with a hand painted picture of a dog where the artist seems to have no grasp on what dogs actually look like. it’s vaguely dog-shaped; but nayeon has never been able to tell which end is the tail and which is the head and she’s pretty sure they’re meant to be pretty distinguishable. and a reliable mug, with worn out white lettering of their university initials on a maroon background.  

the mixture is poured in along with nayeon’s smile and an unspoken wish for good results. three minutes, she tells herself under her breath and the machine beeps as if in response.

nayeon rinses off the spatula before dropping it easily into the dishwasher basket and the door closes with a practised kick of her heel. the bowl’s washed and put neatly into the metal dish tray. the moonlight peaks in through the side window again almost as if to wish her goodnight.

the microwave beeps a tinny, quiet ding, almost invisible beneath the muted sound of the cars speeding down the street. the sticky humidity hangs in the air like remnants of the sun reminding her she was there. have a good summer, she says.

the smell of a fresh berry cobbler fills the apartment and nayeon’s soul. vanilla ice cream is spooned generously til the crumbs are no longer peaking through and she watches it melt into the sides of the mug curiously.

nayeon shuffles quietly down the hallway, a mug in each hand, metal spoons stuck into the crumble, the moonlight following her into the dimly bedroom. the sound of dahyun snuffling quietly in her sleep and quiet, even breaths soothes nayeon all the way into her bones. affection fills her entirely when she notices that dahyun’s rolled onto nayeon’s side of the bed, nose buried in nayeon’s pillow, a hand clutching at it like a vice.

3:26am finds nayeon and dahyun sitting against the headboard, blankets thrown in haphazardly at their feet, feeding each other berry cobbler with berry stained vanilla ice cream and the earth is still, and silent and sleeping. somehow with the dead, pitch black quiet of night and the sliver of the moon’s glow greeting her through closed blinds, nayeon’s world has never been brighter. it’s just her, and dahyun, and the moon. all was well. dahyun’s bright, warm love nestled deeply in nayeon’s soul. and nayeon’s steady unwavering one in dahyun’s.

“what’s the occasion?” dahyun asks, voice heavy with sleep and fondness.

“i couldn’t sleep and also because i love you,” nayeon tells her offhandedly, between mouthfuls of berry and ice cream. nayeon freezes when she realises what she’s said. dahyun’s cheeks flush and she clears her throat. there’s a pause. a slight shift in the air. but gentle like the sunset coming down to kiss the sea.

“i love you too.”

the sweetness of the ice cream and the tartness of the berry leaves nayeon thinking there’s something else to this dessert. she looks over at dahyun whose glasses are perched at the end of her nose and hair sticking up in different directions and cheeks tinged pink from laughing when nayeon spilled berry cobbler- ice cream sauce onto her white shirt. she has never seen someone look so perfect.

nayeon tucks this memory away into the lily pad that is her heart which is floating away down the river bank never to be seen again.

they fall asleep.

but not before nayeon thinks. yeah. this is probably love.

[midnightiscoming-kasabian]

'NEW INSPIRATION' Kasabian’s Serge Pizzorno on new hair and new start with his S.L.P. solo album

By Jacqui Swift | Photos: Neil Bedford

SERGE PIZZORNO didn’t want to make another Kasabian record without first searching for new inspiration.

After 15 years of hits, the creative leader of the Leicester band that formed in 1997 decided to do something different.

And so arrives The S.L.P., Pizzorno’s debut solo album under the guise of his initials S.L.P. (Sergio Lorenzo Pizzorno).

He says: “I just need to go and find some new treasures, go down the rabbit hole and see what I came back up with.

“The S.L.P. and Kasabian are two very different things. Two different sports that you would never combine.”

Pizzorno previously had no urge to make a record on his own and says its creation came as a surprise to him after “playing around in the studio”.

He says: “It was made for the right reasons and not to be commercial, just to see what could happen. There was definitely a childish reconnection of messing about and not having to consider playing it to 80,000 people.

“I’m not even using my name on the record and so probably in six months, people will go, ‘Did you make this record?’”

Kasabian fans needn’t worry that this solo project might mark the end of the band.

Pizzorno says: “I am in my band and I love my band. The best way to describe it is, it’s like another planet I can now visit whenever I want. It’s this planet that orbits and I can go there for a bit.”

‘NEW HAIR’

When Kasabian decided to take a break after touring 2017’s For Crying Out Loud, Pizzorno found himself in his studio with tracks and thought it was “very much now or never”.

He says: “When you get to six albums, you’ve got to keep it clever and make it interesting.

“Kasabian have had six albums — five No1 albums in a row. We’ve headlined Glastonbury, Leicester Stadium, The O2 and got really big in Europe, Eastern Europe and South America.

“Things rocketed after that last album and we needed time off. There is nothing better than being in a band but there are times, like when we are sat in airports, when it feels like hard work.”

I meet the 38-year-old at his publicist’s office in North London. He has just got the train down from Leicester. Tall and skinny, with new short hair and leopard spots dyed into the back, he says: “It’s new hair as I felt it was symbolic of a new start.”

Pizzorno has always enjoyed pushing the boundaries with Kasabian and no two albums have been the same.

He says: “This was a really quick record to make. I’ve always embraced just going with the beat or melody and seeing where it takes me.

“There’s an energy you create as a writer. With The S.L.P., I’ve been able to go even further. Some things aren’t right for Kasabian but work for this as it’s so different.” It was recorded and produced at his home studio, The Sergery, in Leicestershire. The S.L.P. shows off his love of film soundtracks, dance music and hip-hop.

Pizzorno says: “I’ve always liked film scores, the Balearic thing and really evil, dirty basslines and I’ve tried to channel those.

“I’d put a lot of my old synths and instruments into storage and worked on my little Casio keyboard, a couple of little drum machines and would just nick sounds from film and TV.

“There’s a lot of samples on the record but nothing specific, more like digital noises and sounds that I’ve collected over the years.

“If I didn’t have my hard drive, I don’t think I’d necessarily have an album — it was a good chance to dip into them. I like making collages and putting all the sounds together with the melodies I had in my head.”

Pizzorno reveals he had a comic-strip idea for the album, with a beginning, middle and an end starting with the tracks Meanwhile . . .  In Genova”; “Meanwhile . . .  At The Welcome Break”; and “Meanwhile . . .  In The Silent Nowhere.

‘BLEW MY MIND’

He says: “The whole album was very visual. I find imagery and write from it.

“Once I had these three pieces of music I could fill in the gaps. And it was good to start at my roots with the track Meanwhile . . .  In Genova.”

The story begins in Italy in Genova, where Serge’s grandad is from. The singer is a huge Ennio Morricone fan, this cinematic track is his homage to him.

Standouts on the album are joyous dance tracks Trance and recent single Nobody Else.

He says: “It’s dance music but there is also tenderness and little moments of simple messages.

“Trance is a lovely moment because it’s an anthem but way more French and sophisticated.

“Rave music was huge for me. Me and my pal used to spend hours dancing to it in his bedroom. And when we are playing festivals, I try to visit the dance tent to have a little dance as I miss that feeling. It’s mad.

“The Wu is a special track on the record too. I love that tune.

“It’s about going down hotel corridors listening for where the party is.

“I’ve spent a lot of times in hotels with the band listening to The Wu-Tang.”

The first single from The S.L.P. was Favourites, for which he teamed up with Little Simz, while Slowthai guests on Meanwhile . . .  At The Welcome Break.

He says: “I went to see Slowthai in Birmingham and he just blew my mind. He was phenomenal and the same with Simz. I had been in contact in the past with her and always loved her flow.

“I wanted the track to have a British voice on there. The album is very much where I see Britain and what I’ve observed here as myself over the years.

“Favourites came from listening in to a conversation with two young girls about online dating.

“I started thinking about the real you versus your online persona and how you are never going to live up to it.

“It’s thinking about where that is going to lead us and how we forget to live in the moment.

“The track Soldiers 00018 is about a cab driver talking about his hatred of things and how I had the feeling I need to fight back but with compassion, love and positivity.

“Meanwhile . . .  In The Silent Nowhere is about the need for communication and to start listening again. Whatever side you are on, you have to engage and try and figure it out and find some sort of middle ground.”

Pizzorno believes that in these troubled times, people feel disconnected — and the further away we are from each other, things will get worse.

He says: “I think it’s an artist’s job to bring people together to engage with each other.”

‘FRESH AND ENGAGED’

It is no surprise that Pizzorno’s project as The S.L.P. has been compared to Damon Albarn and Gorillaz, something the musician and producer sees as a huge compliment.

He says: “It’s a massive honour because I am a huge fan of his and especially Gorillaz. In the future I’d like to work with more artists, and not necessarily people you would expect.

“To have that opportunity and be in the studio with these different people inspiring new sounds is amazing.

“That is going to keep me fresh and engaged with new s**t.”

One person who continually inspires Pizzorno is The Mighty Boosh comic and Bake Off presenter Noel Fielding, who helped launch the S.L.P. at a special Q&A event in London.

Pizzorno says: “Noel is a real brother, and godfather to my kids.

“We met years back and kept in touch and spent a load of time together. I worked on two of his shows with him with the music and we’ve released music together that are loose tapestries.

“He is so talented and clever. I can’t keep up with his ideas.

“When I’m with him, it’s constant, mad laughter. My two boys watch him on Bake Off and he taught them how to paint.

“I’ve got this amazing photo of him with them when they were little, sat on his knee on a lawnmower wearing a pair of shorts and mad David Bowie boots.”

THE S.L.P. track list

Meanwhile... In Genova

Lockdown

((trance))

The Wu

Soldiers 00018

Meanwhile... At The Welcome Break (ft               Slowthai)

Nobody Else

Favourites (ft Little Simz)

Kvng Fv

The Youngest Gary

Meanwhile... In The  Silent Nowhere

Next month, Pizzorno goes out on the road to tour The S.L.P. with a number of select gigs across the UK and Europe.

He says: “I can’t wait. It’s going to be the album in its entirety with extended mixes and the aim is euphoria. I went to see David Byrne play and his show really inspired me.”

And how have Pizzorno’s Kasabian bandmates reacted to this solo work?

He says: “I have to say they’ve been incredible. Tom says he loves it. There’s not been any weirdness at all.

“I love being in my band and making my own record has inspired me for more Kasabian and I’ve been working on music for the band already.

“They know I wasn’t sure The S.L.P. was even going to happen and they realise it makes sense for me to do something.

“As a band, we’ve had everything thrown at us. Like any relationship, we’ve had massive highs and lows but we are happy together. Stepping away from Kasabian makes me appreciate the enormity of it and the power of our live show.

“The S.L.P. is a new start for me, which means a new chapter for Kasabian too.

“Kasabian is all about connection and when we return we will connect with as many people as possible.

“I will just have another outlet for extra music I fancy making.”

The S.L.P. is out on August 30.

www.thesun.co.uk

[always-the-cleric]

Shoot ( Root x Shaw) prompt - Really?

prompt: If you write for Root and Shaw, then any of the following: 22, 50, 86, 92 Thank you!

22: Put that dress on I like. 50: Did you have it the whole time?! 86: I would, but what satisfaction would you get? (I altered this one a bit so it fit in the story better, sorry) 92: I love being dumb with you.

thanks for the prompt! I do actually write other things than just AHS, so if you have a prompt for me for any of the fandoms you see around on my blog, just send me an ask babes!

Root had been rather twitchy for a few days now. Not many updates from The Machine. It made her fingers tingle with nerves, and her deaf ear ring with silence. Root had hoped to have had an update from Her on how Shaw was doing, but nothing. 

Then suddenly, instead of a message through her cochlear implant, her phone buzzed from somewhere in the apartment. Even though this wasn’t exactly her place, seeing as it was Shaw’s, she did make herself right at home. Messes of computer wires thrown around everywhere, mixed with clothes and discarded food cartons from the food orders She had placed for her when she had forgotten to eat anything for a whole day.

After about ten minutes of some intense searching, since she couldn’t locate where the sound had come from with just the one ear working, she found her phone. 

There was a message from Shaw. Days of radio silence, and instead of an update on their number and the very important usb she desperately needed, she got this...

“Put that dress on that I like”

Root stretched her fingers in anticipation of what she was gonna text back. She looked at her freshly painted black nails, stark against the bright white of her screen as she zoned out, thinking of how to reply.

She then sprung up to her feet, and instead of a reply with words, she sent a picture of her with the dress Shaw had meant in her text. It had deeper cleavage than anything she would normally wear, but for her Shaw she would do anything. And Shaw knew that. She didn’t mind though.

As an answer she got a place and time. All right, a date then. She could go with that. She looked at her options for footwear and almost decided to wear the used and worn boots she normally wore, but then decided that no- she was going to do this outfit some justice. So she dug out some heels, from somewhere in the back of her closet.

She even tried so fix her hair somewhat. Truly she was making a lot of effort compared to how she would normally prepare for going out.

When she arrived at the location, it appeared to be a very fancy restaurant. Fancier than she would have imagined Shaw going to, but then again, Shaw only cared about the quality of the food, not what the place looked like, the food must be very good here then.

When she entered the establishment, she immediately located Shaw, dressed in an equally stunning dress. She already liked this evening. Shaw being all mysterious with her, she loved a good mystery, and seeing her in a dress like that? Yeah, her day was already made.

She sat down and gave Shaw a grin.

“You went all out here, sweetie. This all just for me?” She teased and couldn’t contain the smile overtaking her face at finally seeing Shaw again. She could already predict the grumpy response she was gonna get and it only made it better.

“Of course not. This place has the best food, and I know that when I’m not around to remind you to eat, you only eat the crap She sends to you. You need some real food after ten days.” Shaw said in her usual gruff voice, but the care in her words was clear and didn’t go unnoticed by Root.

Had it been ten days? felt like just a few days had gone by. Maybe she had zoned out for longer than she thought. Doesn’t matter though. Shaw’s back. That reminds her,

“Did you get the stick? I really need the code our number got on there. It’s dangerous.” Root said, suddenly rather serious.

Shaw looked her straight in the face, no emotion in her eyes when she informed her, “Nope, didn’t get it. must have gotten lost somewhere.” And then continued to look at the menu.

Root looked at her, frowned and tilted her head in confusion. Shaw always delivered. She knew how important it was. Not only to her, but also to The Machine. How could Shaw be so nonchalant about something so important. She never was like that. She would never just carelessly inform her an important piece of information was lost. Especially not if it was as dangerous as this code is. How could she have-

Her thoughts were stopped when the USB hit her head and a snort from Shaw was heard.

“Ow!  Did you have it the whole time?! “ Root exclaimed and instead of a direct answer, she was first laughed at for a full minute or so. All the while she was rubbing the spot on her head where the stick had hit her, the stick itself now safely in her pocket.

“Did you really think I wouldn't get it Root? Come on you know me better.  I would have told you sooner, but where’s the satisfaction in that for either of us? It’s kinda dumb of you that you really believed I didn’t get it. You know me better than that.” Shaw said and in a rare show of public affection she smiled softly at Root, squeezing her hand. The soft expression gone in seconds.

Wouldn’t want anyone to think Shaw was going soft, of course.

“Well I love being dumb with you.” Root said with a dopey grin. This was the best night ever.

[katymacsupernatural]

A New Life Chapter 6: The Bunker

Dean Winchester x Reader

1200 Words

Story Summary:You’re a Demon who is trying to erase all the bad you’ve done, by helping the Winchesters. But the price to be good can be too much, even for a crossroads demon.

Catch Up Here: Masterpost

To say the next few days were busy would be an understatement. The trip to the bunker was much more fun than you expected, filled with laughter, music and heated glances between you and Dean. Dean kept the Impala heading East, taking you farther away from your boring existence, giving you a chance at something exciting. Something you hadn't felt in decades.

Once at the bunker, Sam and Dean made you promise that you would tell no one about its locations and secrets. All you could do was nod your head as you took in the wondrous view in front of you. It had been confusing at first, and you had been disappointed at first glance. Dean had spent the majority of the trip touting all the fine points of the bunker. But when he had pulled up, all you could see was a rusted metal door hidden in the side of a hill. Pasting a smile on your face, you tried hard at pretending that you were as excited as Dean.  

But once he opened the door, you no longer had to pretend, because your breath was truly stolen from you at what laid beneath the dirt. An iron staircase was the first thing you saw, intricate and winding as it guided you down into the main room. Older machines lines one wall, a huge table with a lighted map painted on it.

 Dean took your hand, leading you down the stairs, all the while explaining about the Men of Letters, and how ahead of their time they had been. How he and his brother were legacies. Walking past the map table, Dean showed you a room full of bookcases, a couple of wooden tables in the middle. It was a place you could imagine spending a lot of time relaxing in.

'"This is the library, Sam's heaven." Dean explained, and you knew it could be yours also. There were hundreds of books, some ancient and exotic, some as old as you. A couple you have read before. Many that you wanted to pull out and start perusing.

Dean pointed to the left, and your gaze followed his to a long corridor. "That is to the kitchen, the dungeon, and other rooms that we haven't completely gone through yet. This way is to the bedrooms."

Following him once again, you soon learned where the large, shared bathroom was, learning about the amazing water pressure. Dean opened up a door, showing you a simple room, with nothing more than a bed, a small loveseat, dresser and sink. It was directly across from Dean's, and he told you it was yours for the taking. Explaining that this way he was close by if you needed anything.  Truthfully you didn't mind, you liked being close to Dean.

After Dean told you that tomorrow would be a busy day of training, you went to bed early, excited to get that part of your hunting underway. Dean had promised he would take you down to the shooting range and teach you how to handle a gun. After some prodding Sam had said he would teach you about the monsters and how to kill them. You already knew more than you let on, but you planned on using this time to become closer to Sam. He had softened toward you, but still didn't trust you as much as Dean did.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, brushing your hair out, you felt the familiar tug of of once again being summoned. "Not again." You muttered, wondering if Crowley had gone against his word. Standing up, you let yourself be transported, crossing your arms in annoyance when you realized where you were. You had only been allowed in here once or twice, but you could still recognize the Kings Royal chambers at once. Even though he didn't need to sleep, Crowley still enjoyed having his personal space, and a bed for extracurricular activities.

The King was dressed in a black velvet robe thrown over red silk pajamas. Currently sitting in his favorite antique ornate Gothic chair, he held a piece of parchment up to the light. Glancing up, he nodded to the chair next to him.

"Sit." He ordered, and you quickly complied, not wanting to cause any more suspicions. The chairs were placed next to a fireplace, and with a snap of his fingers, Crowley had it lit. "Is that what crossroads demon are wearing now?"

You had forgotten that you had been dressed for bed, wearing one of Dean's shirts, and your panties. You had forgotten pajamas when you had grabbed some items, but you didn't mind. Dean's shirt was long and comfy, and smelled like him.

"I was just getting ready for bed." You retorted, pulling the shirt down modestly, tucking your legs underneath you. Crowley caught your movement, and frowned.

"You've been a Demon for almost a hundred years, and you're still worried about modesty? I don't ever think I will understand you." Crowley stated, before returning to his parchment. At first you sat there, waiting for him to get to the point, but the longer you sat there, the more frustrated you became.

"Crowley?" You started, hoping to gain his attention, but he kept reading his stupid paper.

"Crowley!" You exclaimed, and finally his deep chocolate eyes left the old parchment and gazed upon you with a hint of anger. "Yes?" He asked in that deep accent of his.

"Not that I don't mind spending time with you, but why did you bring me here?" You asked.

He sat the parchment down, and turned his full attention on you. "I was just curious as to how you were doing."

You fiddled with the hem of the shirt before answering. "Much better thank you."

"Fine, than you should be able to go back to work tomorrow." He said, before moving to pick his parchment back up.

"No!" You hadn't realized you had shouted until you flashed a glance Crowley's way. His mouth was open in shock, you had never raised your voice to him before.

"Why ever not?" Crowley asked, his curiosity showing. That was never a good thing.

Thinking quickly, you cast your gaze back down, trying to act nervous and demure. "I'm just not ready yet. I still feel a little shaken."

Crowley stood up from his chair, and slowly strode towards you. You watched as his tasseled slippers took sure steps, before stopping right in front of you. You sat back as Crowley leaned down, placing a hand on each arm of the chair, effectively trapping you from moving. "I have a feeling that's not the only reason. Why don't you tell me the truth."

Not wanting to cause trouble for Sam and Dean, you tried to lie your way out of this, but Crowley was too smart. "Where did you get that shirt?"

He leaned even closer, sniffing the collar of your shirt, and you shivered in fear.

He stood up straight, and caressed his chin in thought. "I know that scent. Only one human smells of gunpowder, and motor oil, with a mix of musk and deceit. How the hell did you get mixed up with Dean Winchester?"

Dean/Jensen Tags:@acreativelydifferentlove @a-girl-who-loves-disney @akshi8278 @anokhi07 @aubreystilinski @bebravekeeponfighting @brindz30 @colette2537 @crusadedean @darthshreydar @dean-winchesters-bacon @deanwinchesters-impala67-deacti @haelyn @horsegirly99 @ikeneasul11 @its-not-a-tulpa @just-another-winchester @lady-phoenix-of-tardis @librarygeekery @mlovesstories @msimpala67 @love-charmer-sketch @michirutenshi @pisces-cutie @ria132love @ruprecht0420 @shadowhunter7 @sizzlingbearpolice @sleep-silent-angel @sortaathief @superseejay721517 @thewinchestergirl1208 @torn-and-frayed @wonderfulworldofwinchester

A New Life Tags:@biawol @earthtokace @gh0stgurl @heartsaved @horsegirly99 @edgaralllenpoop @fralackles @jordannicole56 @kiranagoya @librarygeekery @monkeymcpoopoo @mypage-myfandoms @newtospnfandom @suckystoryteller @superlightalternateuniverse88

Forever Tags(CLOSED):@16wiishes @4401lnc @algud @amanda-teaches @andkatiethings @andreaaalove @angelsandwinchesters @anspgene @artisticpoet @atc74 @be-amaziing @bemyqueenofdarkness @bohowitch @buckysmetalgoddamnarm @bumber-car-s @brooke-supernatural16  @brunettechick @camelotandastronauts @captainradicalpassion @chelsea072498 @clairese1980 @captainemwinchester @darthdeziewok @destiels-new-girl @donnaintx @dont-you-dare-say-misha @dslocum89 @duckieburns @docharleythegeekqueen @emmazach @emilicious-7 @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008  @esoltis280 @essie1876 @generalgoldfishldrm @goldenolaf25 @growningupgeek @herbologystudent252 @heyitscam99 @highfunctioning-soiciopath @hms-fangirl @hobby27 @ichooseeternalplaces @imboredsueme @internationalmusicteacher @ithinkimadorable-67 @iwriteaboutdean  @jayankles @jensen-gal @just-another-busy-fangirl @karlee-fay-my-wayward-son @keelzy2 @leanbeankeane @lifelovelaughangell123 @li-ssu @littleblue5mcdork  @lowlyapprentice @luciferslucille @maui137 @mellowlandrunaway @mogaruke @nanie5 @natashacamillaus @newtospnfandom @offbeatsilhouette @offbeatwriting @percussiongirl2017 @pilaxia @pizzarollpatrol @plaid-lover-bay25 @ronja-uebrick @rosegoldquintis @roxyspearing @samanddeanmyheroes @sandlee44 @shamelesslydean @sillesworldofwriting @sgarrett49 @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @smoothdogsgirl @spnbaby-67 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @spnwoman @sunskittlex @starry-chaos @superbadassnatural @thebikiniinspector @theflameontheinside @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @tina8009 @totallovelesson @tunadean @vvinch3st3r @walkslikesummeractslikerain @whimsicalrobots @wildlandfox @winchesterbrothers-inc @winchesterxtwo @winchester-writes @worldwidehansum @zombiewerewolfqueen

[docholligay]

Vampire

One of my commissions was “tracer at the gay vampire disco” and I totally forgot to publish it! I took it kind of an odd way, I hope you like it! 

In the dark, in the night, she prowled around the dance floor, her eyes moving from woman to woman, watching. The perfect predator, they all looked back at her, hypnotized by her dark hair and her dark moves, feeling fear and a general little prickle of sexuality in their bosoms.

But she only had eyes for the one she would make her vampire queen, and they would rule the night together.

Coralie. The mysterious French.

Tracer looked down at her paper proudly. Widowmaker was going to love this. She loved dark things, and she didn’t think Tracer could really indulge that side of her, but she absolutely could, and this story was going to be the proof.

Widowmaker had rejected many of the more traditional presents Tracer had tried to give her--she never took the flowers Tracer brought to the hotel rooms, (Tracer had made a habit of bringing them home to for the dining room table. Mercy liked it when the table looked nice for their weekly family dinner), she ate whatever chocolates or treats she brought there, or passed them back to Tracer, and she outright rejected the necklace Tracer had tried to give her, citing some concerns about questions asked back at Talon, but hurting Tracer’s feelings quite badly in the process.

But this was something she could take. Lots of women read vampire stories, didn’t they? No one would think a thing of it.

Coralie was something from another world herself, her long dark hair falling down her back and over her tattoo, which read, ‘Dangerous’ in French. Her dress seemed to signal that the tattoo wasn’t lying, held tight on every curve. Her eyes glowed yellow like a tiger’s, and the vampire noticed she might not be the only predator in the room.

Tracer leaned back in the chair. “Oh, she’ll love it.”

There was, however, a question about how to best write this. Books piled up in the corner showed the efforts to which Tracer had gone, trying to make this story feel real, trying to show Widowmaker that she was, well, trying.

But there were questions she felt even the books could not answer, deeper questions about herself and her own relationship to the vampire mythos. Dina Foxten was an excellent character, she felt, by any measure: handsome, clever, sexy, but Tracer worried it was lacking something that made it feel authentic. It was a bit by the numbers. And Widowmaker deserved more than by the numbers.

She couldn’t very well ask Winston--She had tried the ends of his patience with this Widowmaker thing, and as much as he would not sell her out, he also wasn’t going to help her with her bit of romance. And even if she didn’t tell him what it was about or for, he would simply know, the way her always knew.

Pharah generally proved to be lacking in a sense of intellectual curiosity about these things.

But Mercy would certainly know something about a gay vampire club. Seemed very Swiss, the whole idea. Like cows, and guns, and armed cows.

Dina sat down next to the woman in the dark lace dress, and leaned over the bar.

“The Dina Foxton, whether you do or don’t please.” She--

Tracer stopped herself for a minute. Seemed rude. No, no, she shook her head. Mercy had said the appeal of vampires was in the danger of it all, and there was nothing that signaled danger better than someone with a lack of basic manners.

“And the lady will have a Spider Bite” she tossed back her hair carelessly.

“‘Owevar did you know?” Coralie looked at her with a fascination of a woman who’s seeing something delicious for a very first time, such as when Cadbury’s comes out with a new biscuit.

“I can always tell what a woman...likes.” She raised her eyebrow seductively.

“Zee bite of a spidar,” she leaned toward Dina, “is zhre anything more dangereux?”

DIna sipped at the blood in her martini glass. “I might know of one.”

“Why would,” Dva’s eyes flicked up to Tracer’s “Super original vampire character DINA FOXTON drink out of a martini glass? Shouldn’t it be a wine glass? What is it supposed to look like in a martini glass?”

Tracer scowled and grabbed back her notebook. “Maybe a soda with a bit of grenadine in?”

“Sexy.”

Tracer crinkled her nose. “Martini glass ‘as a bit of class to it, ‘ana!” She looked down at the writing, studying it.

Dva rolled her eyes and put her headset back on. “You asked.”

“I asked the criticism be constructive.” She crossed her arms. “Fine, then. I’ll ask Mercy what she thinks.”

Dina ran her hand down her crushed velvet shirt to her leather pants, Coralie noticing the seductive move. Her skin was milky-white, but it didn’t seem too sickly or anything, just pale, and there was a hint of glimmer in it, though Coralie reasoned it must just be the lights of the club.

“To what do I owe zis pleazuhr?” Coralie’s voice was just dripping with the sexual heat she was very obviously feeling for Dina.

Dina swept her hair back. It was dark but not quite brown, a bit more interesting than that, nearly black with a hint of purple in it, just in the right light.

“I’m searching for something,” Her voice dropped, “Coralie.”

Coralie looked shocked. How could this mysterious stranger know so much about her? There was something alluring in her eyes, something that made her feel more the prey than the predator the deadly assassin really was.

“It is…” Mercy struggled for the words, “an interesting mix of styles.”

“You know, this might surprise you, Ang,” Tracer leaned confidently on the edge of the couch, “but I don’t actually write all that often, truth be known.”

Mercy smiled up at her kindly. “I think it wonderful you are trying something new.”

Mercy liked moments like this, when she could be both honest and kind. She did like to see her little cobbled-together family try new things. She rejoiced in their accomplishments, and happily displayed their paintings and thrown bowls and other beautiful terrible efforts.

They didn’t tease her about being a mom for no reason, she knew.

Tracer took it back happily. “I think you’re right, though, it does want for a bit of clarity.”

That wasn’t quite what Mercy had meant, but Tracer seemed happy, so it was unimportant to mention.

“What was inspiring you to write?” Mercy looked up at her curiously. Tracer enjoyed new projects, and picked up several of them, maybe finishing one in ten, but generally, they were a bit more hands on than this.

Tracer’s eyebrows shot up and she shrugged, looking off to the side. “I was sort of rubbish at school, love, only kept after it so the RAF would ‘ave me--”

“But you’re very intelligent, Lena.” Mercy looked at her reassuringly.

Tracer shook her head and laughed, pleased Mercy seemed to have forgotten where she was going with this, determined to lead it further away. “Not the same thing, love. I’m quick enough, I’ll give meself that, but it was something to get through, love.” She winked at Mercy. “Not all of us are you, love.”  

If Mercy had been Pharah, she would have noticed the dramatic uptick of the conversational stop, and would have looked at this with an analytical eye, but she was not, and it was in her mostly to trust, and so she simply blushed at Tracer’s compliment.

“But in me old age,” she laughed again, “well, such as it is, love, trying a few more serious things.”

Mercy complimented her on her efforts, and how hard she was trying, and Tracer tried to ignore the pit in her stomach, the whisper in her heart about what kind of sin it must be to lie to Mercy of all people, and she shook her head as she walked out of the room and simply accepted this must be what it was to be a dangerous creature.

---

Dina prowled the night, over to where Coralie lived. The girl had been unable to say know, something quite in Dina’s eyes, and the way she said Coralie’s name, that left her powerless, like a mouse in front of a snake.

The fog of the night was like a smoke machine around her, announcing her presence,  and Dina loved the attention of it all. Even the birds silenced themselves as she walked by. Her leather coat nearly scraped the ground, which was impressive considering Dina’s height, and the--

Tracer stopped herself. Was that right? Something about it seemed difficult, seemed like a thing she could not quite pinpoint, and she thumped the edge of her pen on the desk.

Dina’s velvet jacket shone in the moonlight, as if she herself were part of the scenery of the club she had just left. It looked rich on her, and not at all foolish, and she was one of the few who everyone agreed could generally carry that look off.

Hm, still no.

She ran over it a dozen times in her head, tossing and turning through the night, until finally, at breakfast, she saw an opportunity to get an appropriate opinion on the matter.  

“Fareeha,” Tracer looked over at her thoughtfully as she slipped a grilled tomato onto her plate, “Would you say I’m more of a leather lesbian, or a velvet lesbian?”

Pharah put a spoonful of sugar in her coffee, stirred it wordlessly, picked up her newspaper, and walked out of the kitchen.

"Guess we aren't in the mood for answering a simple bloody question this morning!" She called after her, putting her sausage in the pan, “Doesn’t need an essay, just two bloody syllables.”

She would have to make this final part work on her own. She had everything in else in readiness and preparation, the only thing holding her back was how to end the story. How did vampire stories usually end? The vampire always got her girl, didn’t she? That would have to be the whole of it--Coralie would have to be taken by Dina, and become like her.

That was the only way it would ever work.

____

Coralie gazed deep into Dina’s eyes, feeling the fire in them.

“This is what you’ve been waiting on, isn’t it?” Dina whispered seductively.

Dina dipped her over backwards and plunged her fangs deep into Coralie's neck, sucking the pulse from her body. Coralie thought dying would feel different, but it wasn’t really dying, it was like being born again, sucking out her life and replacing it with nothing but pure pleasure.

She was intensely aroused, this new vampire queen. But scared, too. 

Widowmaker felt many ways, finishing this story, but most of them, distilled, came down to a mix of confusion, revulsion, and desire.

Which, she supposed, summed up her relationship with Tracer as good as anything else.

Tracer looked at her with wide-eyed expectation, her hands clasped in front of her, waiting for her commentary, waiting to hear how and why she’d liked it. She’d worked so hard.

“You ‘ave a very different idea of ‘ow your voice sounds than is reality, cherie.” Widowmaker took a sip of champagne. She had taken to buying the bubbly, nearly as a protective measure.

Tracer put her hands on her hips. “I’ve no bloody idea what you’re on about, I ‘ave the most melodious accent in all the English-speaking--”

Widowmaker drew her close and kissed her, sucking her greedily and deep, and Tracer wondered if this was how Coralie felt, drifting further away from shore.

[stephicness]

PROTOCOL -- Android!AU (Ravus Nox Fleuret x Reader)

So after discussing it and asking her about it, @chocobro-hijinks allowed me to write for her Android!AU! :D Particular for Ravus’s part within it as the Aeternia Build combat android. It was super fun to write, and I’m super pleased with how it’s turning out! It got pretty lengthy though, so I actually was hoping to write more parts for this since most of this writing was exposition to introduce the relationship of RAV N0X and the reader character. So for now, I’m introducing their bond a bit more. Then in the future, I’ll probably write some more of those steamy bits. c; Because I have plans when working with this AU. *rubs hands evilly together*

Again, thank you for letting me write with this headcanon, Hijinks! Your headcanons are a blessing to the world...! QUQ

Also, tagging @di-fantastica and @itshaejinju. Because both heard that I was writing this up, and they wanted to read more of it. c:

“You know… I should probably do something about that.” You couldn’t help but sort of stand there in your place next to the blond-haired maintenance android. For only living in this house for about a year, you definitely had your own series of accidents within the house. You dropped a glass at one point on the hard-wood floor in the kitchen, resulting in some scuffs on the floor. The painting you had on the wall had fallen and took out a tiny chunk of plaster from your wall – easy to cover up with said fallen painting, now crooked. You broke the house curtain at one point when your Aurum model maintenance droid, Cindy, decided that her newfound revelation on how to make your car safer to drive was much more important than giving you the time to, you know, shower. Little accidents here and there.

But there were also some big accidents, particularly in the black stain that appeared as if it was the silhouette of a man. Just sort of sprawled over your light grey carpet and consuming it with remnants of oil and transmission fluids. At least, that’s what Cindy had told you it was. It smelt sort of odd, so you wouldn’t have been surprised if some old juice or something had gotten into the mix of it all. People had a knack for spilling things in this house, after all. You shifted your gaze aside. Yup… People sure did…

“I heard milk gets out a lot of stains. Do you think it’ll work for oil too, Cindy?”

Cindy shook her head in response. “My software tells me how to change oil in cars though. Maybe we can change the oil in the carpet.”

“No… That won’t do me much…” You let out a sigh, putting your hands on her hips as you hung your head to the right. “I’ll just have to save up and order new carpet or something… Or maybe I can put a rug over it. Order a fancy rug and stuff. A floor mat…” You glanced over at Cindy, who seemed to eye at you with her glowing green gaze. That kind of look only meant one thing. You let out a sigh and shrugged. “If it’s a rug I can put decals on, I will.”

You heard a happy chime come from her before you flicked your wrist at her and directed her on her way to the garage so she could resume her work. Her and her decals…

You hummed to yourself before you turned around and eyed the kitchen. Speaking of things that leave behind body-shaped oil prints, the one thing that you knew did such a thing was currently in the there. At least, you hoped he still was. The strange thing about adopting another droid like this one was that, unlike Cindy, you had a challenging time figuring out how to trigger his protocols properly. It seemed that all his commands were based upon how he reacted to things. Not so much of you telling him what to do. Highly-independent, which was great, since you often found yourself busy with a good majority of things in your own life than to take care of another android. Repairing the Aeternia build android was already hard enough as it was – especially since you lost days of sleep and a brutal amount of money that you could be making working on tech repairs and doing support like you have been… Well, actually, it was more of Cindy pushing you out of the way to do it and then you taking credit since you keep your Aurum model from overworking itself. Somehow…

But this RAV N0X model was intriguing, to say the least. You and Cindy did some research on the android model, and apparently there were two builds of it: the Fleuret build and the Aeternia build. Cindy told you that the Fleuret model is used as mostly a record-keeper. In the same like as the LUNA N0X Prototypes, the RAV N0X was supposed to be a mediator model that most political officials could use as a type of personal bodyguard and personal assistant. But it wasn’t until the Aeternia build that he was revamped into a type of war machine. He was skilled in combat tactics of all types – supposedly infused with a blade of his own with his arm. Too bad you weren’t able to see it in person, for the RAV’s system performed an automatic shut-up, nearly electrocuting you and nearly frying Cindy’s system after she tried to pull you away from him.

There was one person who managed to record footage of an Aeternia model during a combat demonstration of the build’s features. But the video end in was the model malfunctioning, beginning to lash out and nearly killing the CEO of Lucis Enterprises. It wasn’t until it began to find itself being threatened than it attempted to trigger its Ring command, ultimately resulting in its form combusting into flames due to malfunctions. It was scary, and apparently, most of the Aeternia models were discontinued and extremely rare after that.

Strange to know that you had one of these ‘aggressive’ models standing in your kitchen with a scowl directed at your toaster. You raised your eyebrow at him, stepping closer to him to look around the pillar of a being at the bright red toaster on the countertop.

“Uh… Is it toasting anything for you?”

You jolted when you noticed him suddenly snap his gaze onto you. His body didn’t move at all. Just his head, almost as if his entire head would have been thrown off his body with how fast he moved. If you weren’t alert from that gesture alone, the fact that your toaster, microwave, and fridge began to glitch out proved that the android certainly was. The toaster gave an awful buzzing noise that caused your ears to ring, the microwave beeped aggressively as if all of its buttons were being hit at once, and your fridge began to vomit out ice without you even touching it. It wasn’t until you held your hands up, showing the fact that you were disarmed that the android dropped his aggressive gaze, expression softening only for a moment before twisting into a frown before he looked forward again. At least he knew that hands up meant that you wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.

“I am sorry.” You noticed his eyebrows furrowing, as if pained to apologize to begin with. “I am still not familiar with the sound of your voice.”

“Even after I kept shouting for you to shut down when we first met and you didn’t?” He grew quiet, a silence showing just how bothered the android was by your statement. For a military build, he sure was sensitive. “Sorry… If you want, we can definitely talk more and, you know, make you more used to hearing me?”

“Why?” He turned towards you once again. “Idle conversation is unnecessary in order to active my defensive grid.”

“It’s a bonding thing, you know? Like…” You had to pause for a moment as you thought, putting your hands on your sides as you rested against the countertops to think. “You know how you have a voice recognition software that triggers your command network, right?” He gives a small nod in response. “Well, usually it registers it as a command from someone with access to your interface. But I don’t really have access to it, so I’ll improvise.” You grinned up at the android, who merely furrowed his eyebrows at you in return. “The more you hear my voice, the more you’ll recognize that it’s me! That way, whenever I do need you for something, then you can just recognize my voice and come running if you need to.”

It started to make more sense to the RAV N0X model, and you knew that he was processing the information with the way his eyes glinted with a blue sheen and the fact that he was nodding at your words. He looked so focused on making sure the information stayed intact in his data bank that you couldn’t up but grin wider. Cute the way he pressed his lips tighter when he processed the newfound information given to him. The programmers did a lot to make him look so realistic – probably to better infiltrate areas as a military robot. He closes his eyes for a moment, sealing the information into his databank before he looked back down at you. The glow in his eyes were gone and replaced with a more relaxed expression. “I will accept your voice recognition technique. It seems as if it would be the most beneficial to aid in my efforts to protect you.

You hummed and crossed your arms over your chest as you pursed your lips together. “To be honest…? I don’t really need someone protecting me. Unless they’re making sure I eat… And that I don’t drop another box of parts on my foot. I could use someone to talk to though. Cindy’s no fun when she gets busy working. Likes to talk to herself more than she likes talking to me.”

“I can see why she does not enjoy talking with you.”

You felt your smile falter a bit as you stared at him. Did he just call you boring to talk to…? Rude. For a military-grade android, he sure had a lot of snark with him. Before you could open your mouth to scold him for the comment, he had turned on his heel and begun to walk away. You blinked in response and followed him. “Hey! Where are you going?” You stopped in the living room as you watched him move over towards the window. He sort of just… Stood there, causing you to stare at him for a good moment before you shuffled over to his side. “Uh… You okay?”

“Yes.”

“…Was there something outside that seemed interesting?”

“No. I am merely residing here for the best vantage point to survey the area.” He turned his head down to look at you, like a watchtower whose spotlight had just located a fugitive. “You claim that you wished to talk to someone. Thus, I shall listen as I make sure your home is secure.”

You stared at him for a good long moment, your eyes squinting at him before you pointed over your shoulder to the couch. “You could sit, you know. Like, there isn’t going to be anyone running through my window any time soon. Unless it’s you, that is.” You chuckled at your own joke, but it soon died out at the unamused gaze that fixated itself on you. Right… He didn’t really have a joke code in him. Or a laugh track either. You clicked your tongue and grit your teeth in a forced smile. “Or you could just stand there. Whatever you want to do.”

“Would you prefer it if I sat on the couch?”

“Would you prefer to sit?” He seemed taken aback, eyes flashing the slightest bit in reaction to your counter question. His lips began to press together, twisted a bit into a frown as he had to turn away from you. You tilted his head. Was he that bothered by the question? You snuck around the Aeternia prototype, trying to catch his gaze again. “Well? I said you could do whatever you want to, so you’re more than welcome to sit and make yourself comfortable.”

He still avoided your gaze, but you were persistent and kept moving yourself to wherever he had turned his head. “I will do as you command me.”

“I’m not going to command you. I don’t have the authorization to do that, so you can pick.”

“That is not in my programming-“

“But you can still make snarky comments about how boring I am to talk to without me telling you.” Again, his eyes widened before he looked down at you, hands on your hips as you smirked at him. Ha! You got him there. He frowned down at you, turning his head before he reluctantly pulled himself from his place by the window and flopped down onto the couch, posture erect – almost as if he was extremely uncomfortable about either sitting on the couch or having to command himself to do such. Probably both. But you gave a fist pump to yourself in victory before you walked over and sat down on the opposite end of the couch from him, legs pulled up and crossing over each other as you grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. “See? Sitting on the couch isn’t so bad!”

“Am I sitting incorrectly…?” You glanced over to the android as you stared at your legs. You were wearing nothing more than a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, so having him stare at your legs so intensely was… Well, that was really uncomfortable. You looked down at your legs then back at Ravus. Before you could reach out and swat his gaze away, you noticed that he began to adjust himself. The worn-out couch squeaked a bit as he began to pull his heavy-plated legs up onto the couch, crossing them in the same manner you did and attempting to imitate the same slouched posture you had. It wasn’t successful since he looked stiff and rigid, but his glowing eyes still recorded the position for further reference. “Humans are quite flexible if they can retain this position for extended periods of time.”

“It’s easier when your legs aren’t plated with armor too.” You grinned over at the awkward android before you leaned back and turned towards the TV to relax.

Man… This was the first time in a while since you’ve actually had the chance to rest. You spent the past month or so trying to reassemble what had been missing from the RAV N0X prototype, and it was a month of tedious work and neglect of your freelance business’s activities. Cindy’s been enthusiastic about taking over some of the jobs and tasks while you had dedicated your time in repairing the android, but you felt as if you could be doing more right now. But once Cindy starts a job, she refuses to leave it unfinished. And with her having taken all the jobs for a while… Well, the most that you could do was sit on the couch with the prototype android as you stared at the G.Ladio advertisements that constantly flooded the television screen.

“Are they marketing humans in mass quantities?” The android’s curious tone got you to look over at him, watching and taking note of how fixated he was at the TV screen with how bright his eyes glowed. “This… Is another Android model?”

“Yeah. It’s the Sweet Line of the G.Ladio’s.”

“They do not appear combat ready. Why is that one not properly fitted with ballistic resistant armor?”

“That’s because they aren’t meant for combat. They’re companion bots.”

“As in rehabilitation?”

“Uh… Not exactly.” You had to squint a bit at the TV screen, imagines of the G.Ladio androids having blissful and intimate moments with the actresses on the commercial. How was the RAV N0X not comprehending the fact that holding hands doesn’t mean that they’re about ready to fight? Did he really not understand that there were other androids mean for companionship and to cure loneliness? You looked back at the android, who seemed more concentrated and befuddled than before. “You okay there…?”

“They… Are meant for recreational coitus?”

That... Was a weird way to phrase it, but you shrugged. “Sure. Let’s go with that. But they do more than just that, I guess. They help cure loneliness too, you know?”

“Databases suggest that loneliness is neither a sickness or a disease.”

You shook your head and chuckled. “No, it’s not. I mean... Like, if you don’t have someone who loves you and wants to be with you all the time, then you get a G.Ladio to keep you company and make you feel wanted and loved.” You shrugged a bit at the thought of it. You’ve spent a long time by yourself until you had the Aurum model – had Cindy – gifted to you after you started your business last year. But even then, Cindy was mostly just there to help you with your work, occasionally meandering from the garage and into the house to give you reports and stick a few decals to the fridge. Beyond that, it was just you.

“Would you wish for a companion such as the G.Ladio model…?”

A hum came from you as you tilted your head. You had thought once before about getting a G.Ladio, but the idea of having something programmed to like you was really strange to you. If anything, that would only make you feel lonelier, knowing you had to program something to show you how much someone cared about you. You’d rather feel lonely on your own than to feel lonely around other people. That, and after having serviced a good number of G.Ladio models sent to your shop, you would much rather not have to deal with anything with that intense of an activity level. Just five minutes of that until Cindy had to wrestle the beast from you was enough to make you wish that vibrating attachments would never be pushed anywhere they shouldn’t be ever again. You rubbed your cheek as your eye twitched a bit. That thing gave you a black-eye for a month that you’d never forget. Asshole android and his over-sized attachment…

You ended up letting out a sigh and as you shook your head. “No. It’s not my kind of thing. It’s kinda like having a prisoner, you know? I’d rather have someone stay because they want to stay. Not because they have to.”

“What about Aurum Model C1DN33? Does she stay because she wishes to?”

“I don’t know. If she doesn’t want to stay, I don’t blame her though, to be honest. She’s welcome to come and go if she wants. I don’t want to stop her. Or you either.” The two of you grew quiet, the TV more of a faint mumbling as you felt your mind wander a bit. Yeah… It’s nicer to be alone for now and just wait for someone who wanted to stay. Cindy was nice, but if she was going to develop the sentience to one day want to use her programs and skills elsewhere, she was free to make the choice. At least, you hoped Cindy knew that, despite her running on a Virtual Intelligence network. Just as you hoped that the RAV N0X did too. You did your part to help repair him, so he was more than welcome to go find his owner once again as his return command would dictate.

And yet, you found yourself with a cold hand gently brushing over the top of your knuckles. You looked down at your hand, the metal mechanical arm had reached out and gently begin to lock its digits between your fingers to lace them together. You found yourself blinking in surprise as you looked up. The android had moved closer to you, taking your hand into his own as his soft expression peered into your own confused one. And wow… He was really close to you. You could see the detailed texture in the silicon flesh allied to his exterior, as if he had tiny pore, freckles slashed over his skin, and the softest heterochromatic gaze that locked onto yours. Your cheeks reddened at the sight, but you were unable to look away from him. Wow…

It was as if he was unable to process his voice to communicate for a moment, words glitching slightly before he spoke quietly to you. “I will stay at your side, just as I have sworn to you. The recorded 1008 hours of repair is not forgotten, and I will attempt to keep it in my mind to reciprocate my gratitude.”

“But… Is that what you want to do?”

The prototype gave a small nod, adjusting your hands to where your fingers locked together, palm to metal palm. “I suppose it is. I will command myself to protect and serve you, my liege.”

You pursed your lips for a moment and shook your head. “No… Don’t call me ‘my liege.’ That sounds really weird. Just call me by my first name or something.” He gave a firm nod in response, eyes flashing blue to lock in the information. Though that did bring up an interesting question… You had given Cindy her name because of her model and functioning, but the RAV N0X Aeternia was such a complicated machine that having to call it that over and over again would really be a mouthful. “Is there something that I get to call you? Something that you like or are really responsive to?”

“Information and encrypted files stored in my databank suggest that there is a directive command that proves to be 99.342% effective in activating my reaction protocol and command list. A ‘name’ as you might refer to it as.” He was quiet for a good long moment, his grip growing a bit tighter as if bothered by the question again. But soon, his grip loosened before his head slowly moved up and down in a nod. You could have sworn his eyes flashed again. But unlike its usual blue flash, both eyes had glowed violet. A blink of an eye though before they reverted to their heterochromatic colors. Perhaps it was just an illusion or something... “This ‘name’ will only be affective to my commands if you are the one calling me by it.”

“Wait, so you’re overriding your system and giving me admin access?” Perhaps that wasn’t the words he’d use so simply, but he gave a nod. You sat up a bit, hand still laced with his as he adjusted yourself and faced him on the couch. “Okay then. Tell me: what’s your name?”

The surreal violet glow in the android’s eyes before was not as surreal as when he turned his gaze towards you again, leaning closer as he tucked a bit of your hair behind your ear and whispered quietly into your ear. You found your cheeks flaring up even more, body tensing a bit as you could hear the digitized voice whisper by your ear. A name simple and blissful, and one that made your heart skip a beat from just the way the android had said it.

“Ravus.” You looked at the android as he pulled his face away from yours to consider your eyes once again. “My name… Is Ravus.”

You slowly began to nod, your smile growing bigger as your mind repeated the name over and over again. “A pleasure to properly me you then, Ravus.”

Ravus’s eyes lit up with a soft blue glow, lips gently curling at the corner as he nodded back to you in return. “And a pleasure to serve you as well.”

[thubprint]

We get what we get

Normally I tell stories through videos, but not this one. Holding up a video camera can put distance between you and the experience, and this time I chose to be a part of the experience, 100%. This is the story of my second trip to Cuba. It's a clumsy romance.

My first visit to Cuba was chaotic. I didn't know the culture, the laws, or where to go to meet people, but by the end of it I had made some new friends including two ladies whom I promised I would see again soon. I only had contact with one of them, but I still prepared gifts to bring both of them on my return. (I'll use the pseudonyms 'Halo' and 'Luna', simply because I haven't asked their permission to publish any of this). I wasn't planning on 'playing the field', this was more like emotional security, like a backup plan. The truth is I had only known each of them for 3 days before leaving the first time and sometimes things are not what they seem. After only a few emails between Luna and myself I had revealed how much I regretted not kissing her on my last night there after we had spent hours dancing and holding hands, and she started using phrases like "I love you baby". Because of previous experiences this development seemed suspiciously rapid to me, and I was apprehensive. Maybe she does this kind of thing a lot? I took a defensive stance, and prepared for multiple scenarios. 

I was committed to following through however. If there was even a chance that love was waiting across the ocean, I was going to find out.

The weeks leading up to departure were stressful but I managed to publish videos while producing two weeks of pre-scheduled content, created gifts and mixtapes for friends in Cuba, saved up some money for the trip and paid my rent. I really thought I would make some kind of videos while there, but the night I arrived with no plan, no place to stay and very little understanding of spanish, things happened faster than I was able to arm a camera.

After being delivered by taxi to Prado St. and Malecon in Habana Viejo I thought I would simply find a wifi area, locate a hostel for the evening and settle down there for the night, then go see who I found first the next morning. I wasn't dragging my suitcase more than five minutes when I saw Luna. She was facing the other direction and wearing a red dress. I had tried to imagine this moment and what I would say but even If I had memorized lines I would have instantly forgotten them. She turned as she heard me walk up to her. We shared a smiling disbelief for the shortest eternity and then she leapt up into my arms - the long hug. Hearts connected. My suspicions about an ulterior motive melted away.

She helped me find a Casa Particulare to stay at. I had thought I might find a place for two days and look around to find a really pretty one for the rest of my trip, but I didn't end up spending enough time at home to care. I left my stuff there and gave her some of the presents I brought for her (purple and green air jordans and a pair of adidas 3/4 joggers) and we picked up right where we left off three months ago, walking alongside the ocean holding hands and smoking. We shared our first kiss that night, and I realized I was a fool for doubting this girl's heart. She had meant every word.

The next morning my hosts prepared me breakfast and I went to find Halo. I knew where she lived so I went there with the rollerblades I had  brought for her. Hers were stolen a few months back and she missed them a lot. I had thought maybe I could just leave them there for her but... she was home. She was also extremely excited to see me and I was happy too, but not quite the same way. We went rollerblading together until it started to rain, and we took shelter in a stairwell beside my Casa. I ran up to collect the rest of the gifts I had brought for her, some clothing, headphones and an mp3 player I had put a custom hip hop mix on.

As we sat watching the rain and talking, I wondered If I was making the right choice. The truth is though, life doesn't really have 'right' and 'wrong' choices, just choices. Halo is beautiful, cares deeply for her family and is driven to grow and make something of her life. She's in school to become a lawyer. For a lot of reasons, she might have been the 'smart' choice. I wasn't really thinking about any of those things though. I decided to follow my heart on this one. By which I mean the one who I laughed the most with, the one I was thinking about when I went to bed at night, and the one who took a risk trusting me with her feelings even though she didn't know me that well. I explained to Halo that I was seeing someone, and I was happy to see her again but we would simply be friends. The dissapointment was real, the rain appropriate.

At 2:00 I returned to Prado with the rest of the shoes I brought and easily found new owners for them. Luna was there and we went to a friend's place before heading to her mother's house. We bought a present for her mother on the way; it was meat. A big pork shoulder which sat uncovered and raw on the counter of a meat stand, with flies buzzing all over it. It's probably fine as long as its in the shade right? This stand also had pork rinds, and not the air-puffed from a sealed chip bag kind, more like all the bits and pieces of fat and skin from the cut meat, deep fried and salted and thrown in a plastic bucket on the counter. They were absolutely delicious.

Her mother's house was awesome. We stayed up late drinking and smoking, her mother kept serving coffee and juice, and there were more pork rinds made before dinner was served. The coffee is basically heavily sweetened espresso, and the juice is just fruit blended with water and the seeds strained out. It was a very happy place, and Luna's family is loud and fun. The next morning Luna's mother's boyfriend brought over a sack of mangoes from the tree in his yard, and I didn't know a mango could taste that good. Something about them ripening on the tree in the sun really kicks the flavour up!

If Luna and I wanted to have a sexy time however, this was not the best place for it. We shared a room with her grandmother who is saltier than the pork rinds. Plus when grandma needs help relieving herself in a bedpan in the middle of the night, that definetly kills any sexy mood that may have been around.

Luna and I did shower together, and that was dope. The word 'shower' might be a bit misleading. We just had a bucket of hot water and a cup to pour it with. It sure is nice to share that scenario with someone super hot, and soaping each other up is a memory I will hold close. The second time we showered the water was not hot which was kind of brutal, but it's a sacrifice I was happy to make in favor of some alone time.

After the second day there we returned to Prado so I could get some rest at my own place. Luna had noticed my temperature was getting really high, and I was starting to feel ill. We ran Into Halo when we got back who invited me to a party she was heading to, but I told her I needed to go home and rest. It sure is hard to watch her walk away though. She didn't even look back.

I was planning on going home, I really was. Then this dude came up to us and asked if we wanted to go to a party. I figured no, I was starting to feel really sick and I would have needed sleep even if i wasn't. "Only 2CUC for both of you! Drinks included!" The dude kept pressing. Luna clearly wanted to go, so the spirit of living for the moment won me over. "Have you got your passport?" Our new friend asked as we arrived at mi casa where I would quickly change. I told him I did not. "Oh, that's not good! You should always have your passport with you in Cuba!" Yeah, maybe. I didn't want to risk losing it, so whatever. I changed as quickly as possible (this was not that quickly) and the three of us headed to the bus. We arrived at a huge house with a gated yard crammed full of people. I handed our friend 10CUC but when he tried to get us in we were told the place was full and the booze was all gone. "I told you to be fast at your casa!" Well, I tried. He eventually got us in because there was a girl with us. Ain't nobody want no sausage fest. "Have your passport ready" he tells me. Um, wut? Why? "I told you to bring your passport!" No, you told me I should always have my passport. He starts talking the door guy into letting me in which eventually works, but not without the door guy looking down at me with the sternest expresson anyone has ever given anyone and saying; "No trouble from you, or we're going to have big problem. Understand?" Entiende. The party was pretty great. When we got there the music was Rage Against The Machine, Slipknot, System Of A Down and AFI, then suddenly the corpse-painted DJ switched to some kind of salsa music. An eclectic mix but we had a blast, We danced a ton, laughed a lot, and our friend kept showing up with rum and beer. As the night came to a close, Luna and I were going to go our separate ways but the buses were taking forever. I suggested she stay at my place, assuring her I had already asked if mi novia could stay over, and she accepted. 4:00 AM we stumble past the lady of the house who is sleeping on the couch and up the stairs to collapse on the bed. And I'm done.

The next two days were kind of a blur. We didn't wake up until a knock at the door at 1:00, thankfully breakfast was still waiting. I needed all the food I could find to keep up some strength because my fever got pretty high, around 39 degrees. We mostly spent two days being gross in bed, since she ended up sick as well. Thankfully she really likes video games and has a ton of them on her phone. NES emulators, GBA emulators, Five Nights At Freddy's 1-3 and Tekken 3. Getting sick on vacation is pretty crappy, but you could do a lot worse.

I wasnt feeling a lot better after those two days, but it was time to head back to her house for a gauntlet of birthday parties! Several days in a row. I can pretend to be an extrovert pretty well when the situation calls for it, but the next few days really wore me pretty thin. Thankfully they had enough medicine to keep me feeling okay, but the people and the music were loud, the house was small, and the single bed we were sharing was really uncomfortable. One of the birthdays was Luna's, (albeit a few days early) and I brought the rest of the gifts for her. These were a pair of bluetooth headphones and a bluetooth speaker (both rechargeable, both dumpster finds) and an mp3 player with an electronica mix I put together, as well as a big bag of M&Ms and sour patch kids. The candy was kind of a shot in the dark, but Cuba's candy game is weak so I was pretty confident it would be appreciated. Turns out she LOVES chocolate, so it was a good guess. I probably could have sold the headphones for a lot, but this was more fun. Her mom's house has a great view of the stars from the roof too and just as Luna is pointing this out to me, a shooting star flies over us. 

A goddamn shooting star.

I'm not telling what I wished for, and I didn't ask her.

I was seriously more done than I have ever been at this point though, which sucks because there is nowhere I'd rather be than around this lady when I'm feeling this crappy. She really takes care of her man. She even bought me a present! I guess in Cuba new clothes show up in heavy bags which get passed through different families before they end up in stores, and she sneakily bought me some new pairs of underwear. Which was perfect, because at this point my laundry plans have fallen apart and I really needed those! I couldn't stay any longer though, I was dead. We didn't actually leave until really late at night, and I explained that I just need some time alone to regenerate. It's 10:00 when I make it back to Prado, and I need medicine of my own and some food. The fever medicine was 2CUC, and I bought a pizza that I thought was going to be small because it was only 40CUP but it was actually way more than I could finish. Turns out street pizza is one of the things that is cheap in Cuba. So I brought that home with me along with some extra water and an orange soda. I noticed Luna had left her skateboard necklace in my room. 

My sleep was not great but at least when I woke up in a pool of sweat in the middle of the night I had a dry side of the bed to roll onto. I put on Luna's necklace in the morning, for no particular reason. When I was planning my errands for the day my friend Mario came by to see me, and he kept me company while I was running around. He was really helpful with the bus routes, and showed me this ice cream spot called Coppellia that takes up a whole city block. It was cheap too, 10CUP for way more ice cream than one person should eat! And I shouldn't have eaten it, because we had to run to catch our bus after and I felt an extra kind of gross now that I was bloated with ice cream.

We met up with Luna back at Prado and just wasted time skateboarding and chilling with friends. I still wasn't feeling the best but at least I had my own medication for the fever now. She thought it was super cute that I was wearing her necklace. Her actual birthday was the next day so when we were winding down for the night at my casa her phone was straight blowing up just as midnight arrived. She is so loved by so many people! It's easy to see why. She cares for her friends and treats them as family, she's really aware of how people are feeling and is always keeping people smiling and getting them moving and dancing. She brings so much energy to a group, it's a real joy to be near her.

I was starting to worry about her eating though, I realized I almost never see her eat anything unless we're at her mother's house for dinner. Maybe she was just being polite not wanting to eat my breakfast, but I would have been happier seeing her eat. Eating alone feels wierd when there are other people around not eating.

When we went out the next day to gather friends for her birthday we discovered one of her friends was getting married! We joined the wedding party, and I was amazed at the old building they were having the ceremony in. Another friend came from Vancouver to suprise her on her birthday, and brought her a brand new skate deck as a present. Those are not easy to find in Cuba! Luna kept saying how happy she was all day. It did seem like a great birthday. After collecting friends and meat and beer we hauled back to her mother's house to be loud and rowdy. Also picked up some cake on the way, another thing that can be cheap in cuba (4CUC).

Later on in the night though the smile faded from her face, so I asked her why. She was thinking about her father. Father's day was the next day and hers had died three years ago. Lung cancer. I'm not very good with these sorts of things but I was happy to be there with her even knowing there was nothing I could do. What do you do, when the person who keeps everyone's spirits up is feeling down? If there is a right answer I couldn't think of it at the time.

The next few days we just watched scary movies, skated with friends, ate pizza and tried not to get sunburned. It rained fairly often so that wasn't as hard as one might think. I never did make time to do laundry, the few windows of opportunity I had were rained out and nobody uses a clothes dryer there. Some might not agree with how I spent my limited time in a faraway land, perhaps they would see more value in taking photos of historic sites, riding horses through tobacco plantations or bartering in markets for handmade silver jewellery. I could have done any of those, but wandering the dirty streets of Habana holding hands with Luna seemed like more of a once in a lifetime opportunity to me. These two weeks might be all we ever get, and I think we both knew that.

As my time in Cuba drew short we joined some friends from Norway to spend a few days out on the beaches in Varadero. It was a bit more expensive than Habana but the beach was gorgeous. "Just like a windows screensaver", as Tuva put it. At the time I was a little annoyed to only have one small towel and have to share it between Luna and myself. As we lay together on the sand under the partial shade of a tree however, I looked up at the curves of her face and the sea salt on them which sparkled in the bright sun and knew I was looking at something beautiful I would never forget. Perhaps I wouldn't have seen it if I brought two towels! We all spent the night drinking beer and dancing on the sand, because of course Luna turns everything into a dance party.

When we went back I didn't have a casa because I was pretty much out of money, so we spent our last night together curled up at her house watching cartoons, playing xbox and eating cake and ice cream. We ate actual dinner too, she's a really good cook. (I don't know what it was but it had beef in it). Leaving the next day was not something I wanted to do at all. I almost missed my bus and wasn't sure I even cared. I didn't know what to expect from this trip but I wasn't prepared to fall for an amazing dream girl who totally loves me. We enjoy so many of the same things and did pretty well despite only having the most basic understanding of each other's languages. We come from such different worlds though, it's difficult to imagine what sort of a future we could hope for together. I have a whole life in Canada, and she is like a beautiful vibrant flower in a wild tropical garden. I can't simply pluck her from her native soil and take her somewhere else, she would not be the same without her family and friends and sun and food and music to nourish her heart and soul. Maybe these two enchanted weeks are all we get. I hope that isn't the case but relationships are like that. There are times with people that you just want to last forever but they never do, so it's important to make the most of the time you do have together.

I'm going to keep practicing skateboarding so if I do see Luna again, I'll be able to at least land an ollie.

Leave it better than you found it, and keep doing the thing.

[nephyartis]

“Out of Memory”

The Bird

"Listen closely now, r—ready? Tell her. Rebecca was. She was, uh. She's gone. I need her back. The idol of my worship. My soup kitchen sacrifice. And my sister in arms. And—and I was her sunshine! She told me so. She—I—I—the idiot that could make her laugh and kept her grounded. The dumb math, all the time. Calculating. Why wouldn’t she do it herself? I guess obviously because when you live with an accountant, all math is your, uh. Your job. My second job. Or theirs. Mine. I’m really fucking this up, oh god. Okay, three months ago. We found out she was pregnant—pregnant. Nearly in tears. Happy tears, mind you. Like, sadistic times when I enjoyed seeing her frazzled. Reminded me she was, erm. She wasn’t a god, but actually human. Gods don't just go away. Do they? Hah, maybe that’s just part and parcel. Oh lord I’m fucking this up. Well she fucked it up. Create life then disappear forever. Kah! Stupid. Utterly ridiculous. It's also not the point. Irrelevant. This isn't about me. Not me. I keep trying to, uh. To remind myself. Hasn't stopped the guilt yet. An—and I think I'm just making it worse, honestly. So—so! The purpose of this is to explain. Rebecca didn't run away. Something bad has happened. I’m not sure what. Meili, I need your h-heck-help!" The bird squawked the ends of its message.

It was like watching some grade school science project blow up in your face, or that’s what Mei thought. The parakeet started violently thrusting its head back and forth, heaving spats of blood. Then it appeared to lose any sense of balance, all while still hemorrhaging. This was enough to convince her that it was a good time to slide the door shut. Still, Mei continued to watch from behind the glass pane. Watch as the bird’s frantic motions painted her studio balcony. It was morbidly—dumbfoundedly—fascinating. But the spell soon worn off as the creature finally started to sputter out. Likely due to blood loss, no doubt, as some seconds later it collapsed. Its emerald feathers posed a stark contrast, speckled and glistening against the red, as it lay there unmoving.

It was a contrast that only served to make its message seem all the more shocking. Or perhaps panicked? Should she feel panic? No. Focus. All concerns gradually boiled down to two root sentiments: Apathy and Disgust. A talking bird that pukes itself to death? This was a sick joke. She had to be at work in an hour. That thing just ruined her balcony. To top off, she had no idea who this ‘Rebecca’ person was. Mei deflated with a sigh, studying the sad mass of bird. Then it struck her. While she didn't know who Rebecca was, she did know a sappy accountant that could fit the bill as sender.

Turning quickly, she slid back into to the rolling chair she had left behind, riding it all the way back to her desk. Everything in the meager apartment was where it ought to be, from bed sheets to car keys. Save for that bloody blemish upon the balcony, of course. She forces it out of mind though, focusing on the task at hand. The desktop. It was a plain and unremarkable piece of furniture, even sporting a few scuff marks. As she approached, however, the latent machine was beckoned to life. A task window, resting documents, input controls, some textual reminders, and various animated characters, all became physically illuminated over its surface.

“Glen Peckard.” It took little more than the name and a flick of her wrist for the machine to read her query.

“Right away, ma’am!” The little characters all became animated, appearing to dive through networks and data dumps, before returning with their prize. Glen Peckard, and his public handles. In the times he and Mei had spoken, there was never mention of significant others. Not for a lack of trying, of course, but he was one awkward dolt. Sappy to a fault.

“Any hits for a Rebecca?”

A notification chimes. Zero cross-references between Rebecca and Glen. Next up was private media networks. Being the breed of hopeless shut-in he was, Glen probably wasn't active on any shared networks, but it was worth checking at this rate.

Or it would be, except the search wouldn’t execute. No voice or virtual command seemed to register. Even after using the keyboard for manual entry, the machine simply refused to cooperate. So she leaned far to the right, chair squeaking as she examined the cord that trailed up from the back of the desk and to the ceiling. Up there was where the projection node hung. Everything about it seemed intact, though, and so to spite its failings, Meili started to snap her fingers up at it impatiently. As if the machine were under any obligation to respond. All the animated characters watched on, indifferent.

“Hey... Search!” It didn’t help, of course, but by the time the command did execute, she was standing in her chair, snapping up at the node. Glen’s latest logins were over six months ago, on a local networking server. This was going nowhere. Voice, text, and video attempts were all equally futile. Mei leveled a deadpan glare at the display field, once again trying to pressure the machine into spitting out the answers. Glen would reply sooner or later. Not that glaring should have him reply any quicker of course, but in her mind, the contest had only just begun. Before long, she would find herself reclined in the chair, then standing behind the chair, then eventually perched on her bed in the distance, watching from across the room. As if giving the machine more space was going to ease it into delivering Glen's reply any faster. Instead, the silence that followed gave way to the outside world. An incessant buzz of insects and the distant wail of a siren. No familiar chime of a new notification, though. So she deflates with a sigh once more, falling flat on the bed. It was about time for her to get going.

Keys, wallet, bag, umbrella, and socially appropriate attire. Check. She ran through the list with a nod. Next combing her fingers through the bangs of her hair, so as to tie it all back. Glen's place wasn't far and even if he wasn't behind this, she could still probably get him to clean up the bird.

Oh. The bird. Her eyes closed with a wince as the dead critter creeped back to mind. No. There was enough to worry about with the upcoming Servo Rally. The bird could wait.

Open Doors

"Move your fucking freckle!" Someone a few cars back blared their horn. Both the manual and autodriver lanes were at a crawl, trying to enter New Albany. The city even had their electric dummies up, which were basically just repurposed street lamps. Tall cylindrical chambers that depicted holographic persons inside, all dressed in safety vests and waving newcomers towards the rally. Fortunately, however, this would be the worst of it for Mei.

After finding her exit, she let go of the wheel and just laid her head against the window, looking up at the sky. A metamorphosis was about to take place. Soon the midday sun would be swallowed up by towering structures and the web of advertisements that hung between them. The murky Brisbane that snaked through the city's center would be no exception. Its waters full of ferries and freighters. These were sights less common for those who lived inland, where it was nothing but scorched wastelands. And everything was all the more bustling thanks to the political festivities.

"You have arrived." The car slowed to a stop, just outside of a large shadowed complex. It was a quiet street, vacant of any other vehicles or signs of life. As if all the city's blood had been pulled inwards, leaving the outskirts in a state of dreamless sleep. In fact, that’s probably what Glen was doing right about then. Sleeping. Mei stepped out and approached the building, glancing up towards the third floor where his room ought to be. Hanging there, just behind a bit of window curtain, was a fluorescent bird cage. It was like a neon sign showing exactly who to blame. The prior sense of disgust began to churn in the pit of her being once more, but not in the company of apathy. This time she laughed. She laughed equal parts vengeful sadist, and dissociative disbelief. And it would be that laughter that formed the basis of the smile that she wore, all the way up to room 306.

Knock, knock. "You home? Helloooo." She drew out the words in a mix of honey and venom. But no reply. Next came the door-bell. She rang it over and over again, in obnoxious repetition. After a few seconds more, there was still no reply. So with a huff and puff, Meili started to dig through her shoulder-bag until she found her jackknife. Of course, this wasn’t an ordinary jackknife. It was proprietary technology of CyberDags LLC. Her place of work. Instead of a blade, a mechanised key folded out from its handle. Once activated, it would attempt to match itself to whatever lock it was inside. Normally she was paid to do this sort of thing, but this was a special exception.

"I've respected your privacy by knockin' but am asserting my concern for your well-being by comin' in anyways!" The moment was a rush, as her tool made short work of the lock, and the sarcastic line simply emboldened her grin. She was ready to charge in with fangs bared. However even with her manic bitterness for what Glen had done, she was ill-prepared for the sights within.

There were no lamps on, leaving the room sparsely lit by what light could seep in between the curtains. Even still it was enough to tell something was wrong. The apartment looked to have been rearranged, either by some demented artistry or an internal explosion. To the left, kitchen shelves were thrown open. Their contents mostly shattered across the floor. In the distance, a closet had evidently erupted, spewing out its clothes. And to the right, each drawer of the nearby desk had been pulled opened, some completely pulled free. The room was littered in loose paper. Yet despite all the apparent chaos, everything created visual cues, leading one's eye to the center of the room where a horribly warped ceiling fan slowly spun in place. It was barely hanging from the roof by its wires, further serving to illuminate the place with electric sparks of light. Glen lay on the ground just below it, motionless. Without thinking she stepped closer but almost immediately slowed her pace. There were no signs of blood and it looked like he was still breathing. The bastard. Meilie’s posture stiffened, hands held tightly down at her sides, forcing a quiet laugh. Her smile returned.

"Had a wild night, did ya? Wake up, asshole." She got closer, crouching to the floor with knees tucked to chest, fully intent on slapping him awake. But at that moment she became suddenly aware there was someone, or something else, encroaching the periphery of her vision. She immediately looked up to see… nothing. That’s all she could think to call it. Nothing.

She was face-to-face with Nothingness. A patch of space from which the very air seemed to flee. It formed some nimbus shadow of absolute void. Through it translucent mass, everything appeared sharper. Mei was utterly baffled, losing balance and stumbling back onto her rear. As if in response, the epicenter of the shadowy nimbus blinked. The entire room trembled. Its invisible mass pressed into two opposite ends. Each one swelled then spilled to the floor, like a stream of tears. But there was no splash. Not a sound. Nothing.

"Glen!?" Mei shrieked in condemnation. Another sick joke? She began frantically kicking him in the side but Glen still wouldn’t stir. Instead, those stagnant streams of nothingness both begin reaching for his right foot, and as they did, the rubber of his shoe began to peel off in weightless flakes. Shortly after, so did his flesh. Droplets of blood, dusty shards of bone and strands of muscle fiber, all being torn free as they gravitated upstream. Gradually forming an entirely new entity as they melded together in the shadow's core. Creating that of a worm like tube, pale and ridged with membranous layers of mucus. Four triangular flaps of naked muscle eventually defining its mouth, as the tube contracted, then breathed out some form of archaic language.

"Vaj-took-kal."

[happymetalgeek]

After a sensational day 2 at HRH XII it was into the final day we all headed with plenty of mouth watering acts to whet the appetite and a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

  Kaleb McKane

Kaleb McKane

Kaleb McKane

Kaleb McKane

Kaleb McKane

Kaleb McKane

Kaleb McKane

First surprise of the day and opening the main stage was this young gifted singer/guitarist currently residing from London UK. Backed with a further 4 musicians Kaleb McKane made the most of his 45 minutes in the spotlight by treating us to his amazing mix of rock, blues, psychedelia with hints of Bowie, Bolan, and even a smattering of Hendrix sounding reverb. “The Great Anti Climax” with its haunting intro and soaring vocals and quiet breath-taking guitar work, takes on a life of its own with other songs such as “The Life I Chose Myself” and “Time Is An Illusion” almost becoming a free form jam session with extended solos but all the while each band member knew where Kaleb was going with his thoughts.

Anyone that’s curious should really check out his 3 track EP “Universal In Reverse” to get a better picture of what he’s all about. News must have filtered back to guitar wizard Uli Jon Roth because he has roped Kaleb into his support act on his current tour. Not just sounding good but also totally at home under the lights on a big stage I predict a bright future ahead.

  The Rising Souls

This Scottish 4 piece from the capitol City Edinburgh have been making quiet a stir lately so with no persuading required I decided to see what all the fuss was about, and these men really can make a fuss. Songs such as “Walk on” with its crushing riff that reminded me of “Montrose’s” Rock Candy was huge and filled the stage 2 and surrounding metal market stalls with its unrelenting groove. Vocalist “Dave Archibald” proved to be the ultimate showman while the band knuckled down to deliver musical influences such as “Canned Heat” “Blue Cheer” and “Zeppelin” whilst adding plenty of blues and soul.

With so many different styles and genres running through their veins and the ease in which they deliver its not surprising the band are turning a few heads.

  Tygers of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

Tygers Of Pan Tang

HRH certainly know how to spoil the audience !! How fortunate we are to experience one of the major players from yesteryear and still thankfully very relevant today. Formed way back in 1978 in Whitley Bay UK and featuring original guitarist Robb Weir this outfit is tight and note perfect. Vocalist Jacopo Meille did a sterling job on the older numbers, mixing it up with fresh sounding new material worked a treat, “Suzie Smiled”, “Hellbound” and the ageless “Euthanasia” with Robb Weirs fellow guitarist Micky Crystal boosting the sound into the stratosphere.

The highest compliment I can place on a band of a certain vintage is that Tygers Of Pan Tang are still such an important part of 2018 and the future with this line up looks just as important as their past. It would be great to have the band document their currant live gigs with a official release because if it sounds as good as what they produced at HRH XII it will be fantastic.

  John Coghlan’s Quo

John Coghlan’s Quo

John Coghlan’s Quo

John Coghlan’s Quo

John Coghlan’s Quo

John Coghlan’s Quo

John Coghlan’s Quo

As soon as the Coghlan was announced for this years event I had a sneaky feeling he was going to be one of the highlights and its not often I find myself saying that I was right. When I walked into the venue I could not get to the VIP area where I had been doing my reviews from. such was the mass of people, instead I had to stand on a ledge at the back of the hall and admire from a distance. If like me you prefer the classic frantic four Quo as opposed to the wimpy pap that’s currently doing the rounds then coghlans outfit should leave you teary eyed and longing for yesteryear. Cut to the chase this is what we were treated to, “Caroline”, “Roll Over”, “April Summer”, “Break The Rules”, “Matchstick Men”, “Paper Plane”, “Rain”, “Big Fat Mama”, “Rockin All Over The World” and “Down Down”. Songs etched in our memory from when we young. Songs we have heard a million times before. Songs we never tire off.

Everyone was singing and I believe everyone at some point was thinking of the sadly missed Rick Parfitt who when John walked to the lip of the stage for a chat got us to raise a glass to his old mate. The band produced nothing extraordinary no pyro, no lasers, no stripping girls, just honest rock music which produced many happy memories from North Wales.

  Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale

If ever a group had a mountain to climb then it was Femme Fatale, front woman Lorraine Lewis and Athena,Janis, Katt, Nikki,Courtney, had to follow a British Institution in John Coghlan, and proceed the monster act which is the Dead Daises. Hitting the ground running with “Fortune and Fame” and into the classic “Falling In And Out Of Love” The band wasn’t deterred but with a few people now heading to the exit it became apparent that many people were there to see the previous act and many never returned even for the Daises. ”Cradle’s Rockin” “If” and the stand out song “Big One” rounded of a highly energetic set from a group that is always welcome on these shores with the ever bubbly Lorraine working the crowd with her enthusiasm and “Nikki Stringfield” cutting some fret work on guitar.

All in all through no fault of the group maybe a little bit more thought could have gone into where the group were placed because being sandwiched between those 2 acts was almost impossible for the incredible “Femme Fatale” to live up to.

  The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

The Dead Daisies

So final band on the main stage is the juggernaut formed by guitarist David Lowy with a ever rotating door with musicians coming and going it certainly hasn’t affected the groups popularity. The individual talent on the stage in front of us is there for all to see, with members also being in previous bands such as. Whitesnake, Dio, Motley Crue, Thin Lizzy, Journey to name but a few. The machine that runs the dead daises must be one of the best in the world, Take one listen to the production on the LPs, take one look at the impressive website, and take another look at the impressive merchandise, everything about the group is huge and colourful. When it comes to the show well that,s a bit like painting by numbers except its rock n roll by numbers, with Doug Aldrich cutting the guitar shapes and Corabi working the crowd with the spot on banter, and bassist Mendoza being the animal that he is.

Opening song “Evil” see’s the group entering the stage to a barrage of lights, with ”Make Some Noise” getting Deen Castronova smashing out his huge drum kit and producing tribal sounding drums. Obviously a Daises show would not be complete without a splattering of cover songs again a very clever ploy from the group because everyone enjoys a cover version when they have a belly full of booze. Tonight we get “Highway Star” by Deep Purple “Join Together” By The Who, “Bitch” By the Rolling Stones, and “Helter Skelter” By The Beatles. Also included when Corabi weaves his magic when introducing the band members is snippets of, AC/DC, Joan Jett,Alice Cooper,Rolling Stones and Rainbow. Taking nothing away from their own material we get a colossal version of “Long Way To Go” and one of their best tracks “Mexico” so there you have it no surprises from the glorious Daises simply put one of the best acts that could be chosen to close a festival superbly and professionally executed.

  So after 3 days of the most intense rain we also got 3 days of fantastic music to make the weather seem unimportant. What festival gives you up and coming groups such as the exciting “Voodoo Blood” and “The Dust Coda” to bands from our youth such as “Rock Goddess” “Girlschool” “Tygers Of Pan Tang” to relevant established acts like “The Dead Daises” and “Saxon” with great catering on site and plenty of watering holes and even a market place selling all things metal including 2 Vinyl stalls it was a music lovers idea of paradise.

Review by Steve Bruty Photographs by Edyta Krzesak Originally posted on Metal Planet Music

GIG REVIEW: Final day at HRH 12 Delivers @TheDeadDaisies @femmefatalerock, @JohnCoghlansQuo @tygersofpantang @TheRisingSouls & @kalebmckanerock @MetalPlanet72 @CentralpressPR After a sensational day 2 at HRH XII it was into the final day we all headed with plenty of mouth watering acts to whet the appetite and a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

[carllmcintyre33-blog]

A Backyard Summer Snow Cone Soiree

We all have our quirks-those seemingly stringent, sometimes adorable, traits that annoy others but make us feel at home, safe and satisfied. My father-in-law brings his own hazelnut creamer in his suitcase when he visits, for instance. I get very diva-ish about two things: cold, delicious water and not driving. I'll go six months between pedicures. I drove a 10-year-old beat up car for so long that my assistants kinda told me that they were embarrassed when we valeted together. I'm not fancy, but please don't hand me a room temperature tap water without expecting a visible or audible display of disappointment or sadness. Lucky for all of us, as part of my partnership with Culligan-yes a water treatment company-I get to tell the story, again, of the benefits of such delicious water, accessed every day from our spout, which is easy for me as a true water worshipper. So much so, that when we started renovating our home before we had moved, I knew that finding the right water softening and filtration system was important to both me (the water worshiper) and my family. So although we have been working with Culligan this year, our system and my love for what they do to our water came far before they had reached out about working together.

A couple of weeks ago, to celebrate my “quirks,” we threw a neighborhood back-to-school snow cone party. The idea was to create a fun, themed party with a treat that was more activity-based to show off our treated water. A snow cone party jumped out immediately as Brady and I were brainstorming, so we pitched the idea to Culligan and they loved it. I mean, who doesn't love a delicious snow cone that is made with even more delicious tasting, water-based syrups and clear, crushed ice from our Culligan system?

For those of you that are new to the collaboration of our at-home Culligan system, let's take a second to talk about the all-important ingredient in the snow cones and the syrup-Culligan Water. It not only runs through all the pipes in our home but is also what we used for all the snow cones and syrup in this post. It is a water treatment company that I was able to partner with only after I already had installed their system in our home. Meaning, I wanted the system first and the partnership came later. It was something that felt organic and although you might ask yourself, “a post about water filtration?”, it is something that has made not only our home better, but also the perfect summer snow cone party better. Crushed ice just might be the next sliced bread, and I am very happy to report that our ice via our filtered system is amazing.

Brady and Emily B. ideated and created this adorable summer snow cone soirée, inclusive of the snow cone stand and table. They handmade the set-up from wood crates along with the chalkboard sign and everything. They informed me that it was VERY easy. I'll give the DIY later, but I think they did such a great job pulling together a modern take of the lemonade stand (or in our case snow cone stand). The sign is also painted with chalkboard paint so you can easily wipe off the lettering and turn it into an actual lemonade stand, puppet show theatre, or anything in between that the kids want to do.

We set up two stations, one to make the snow cones (where the grown-ups would crush the filtered ice) and a separate area for toppings for the kids. Then, we gave both the kids and the adults an area to relax and hang out.

There was so much anticipation from the kids about this new form of frozen water (shaved ice). We used a machine which created enough ice for a few cones at a time and then we scooped the kids' into a paper cone and the adults' into some faceted glass jars. The anticipation was palpable, just look at those little tongues ready with glee. Little did they know that all the toppings were healthy and that all of the syrups were all-natural, water-based, and made with real fruit. That clean-as-a-whistle shaved ice (thanks to the filtered water system we used to make it) didn't need to be marred with artificial colorings and flavors, after all.

A quick recap (before diving back into the snow cone soireé) about what makes this water so great. As I mentioned, I can go all diva about my water, and this is the most delicious water in the world. We have Culligan's High-Efficiency Water Softening System and Reverse Osmosis system (as well as the whole home system for softening like I mentioned previously), which directly filters the water right at the tap. It's small enough to live under your sink, which is great for anyone worried about space. This filters and removes the majority of contaminants you find in tap water, leaving you with clean, delicious h2o that you can feel confident about putting into your and your family's bodies…in this case, in snow cone form. If you want more information, check out my initial post about the Culligan Water system here.

For the party, and for the convenience of not having to imagine up three flavors for kids and three different flavors for adults, we created three all-natural fruit flavors and then made them a bit more exciting for the adults by adding the option for a cocktail version. But, trust me when I say that even if you do the mocktail version, they are just as good. Rather than buy the over-the-counter syrups (which the kids would have obviously loved) we wanted to create something that was healthy (ish), easy to make, and could be done at home with just a few different ingredients. Meaning you know exactly what was going in them. The simple syrups are water-based that we infused with fruit to give them both color and flavor.

The base of the recipe was the filtered water straight from our tap with a 1 to 1 to 1/4 ratio (1 cup of water, 1 cup of diced fruit, 1/4 cup of sugar). You add all the ingredients in together and then simmer on low for 20 minutes until the sugar is fully dissolved and the fruit has boiled down a bit. You can strain out the leftover fruit and then decant them and they are ready to serve. They will also keep in the fridge if you don't use them all the day of the party. But trust me when I say that they go fast-we had to tell the kids we were “out of syrup” when in fact we still had some left in the fridge because they kept coming back over and over asking for more. We pulled together three different flavors for the post that appeal to both adults and kids: Cherry Smash, Pina Colada and Summer Strawberry. 

Those kid flavors and cones were pretty enticing, as were the adult versions…

To make the adult versions a little more fun (I mean who doesn't love a boozy adult snow cone?), we gave the option to add in a shot of alcohol to each. Bourbon to the Cherry Smash, coconut rum to the Pina Colada and vodka to the Summer Strawberry.

Get creative with your toppings and your add-ins for the adults just like you would with a real cocktail at home. We toasted some coconut flakes, skewered some maraschino cherries, and offered candied lemons and limes, and bitters for the adults to add in and make their own concoction. Once the table is all set up with the toppings, ice, cones, syrups and boozy add-ins, it is self-serve, which means more time to enjoy your snow cones and less time that needs to be used entertaining and making said snow cones for everyone. Cheers to a party table that is self-sufficient and a summer soiree that both adults and kids will love.

Over on the other side of the backyard, we set up a kids area for them to top off their snow cones to their heart's (and stomach's) content. There is nothing more satisfying to a child than being able to walk their freshly made snow cone over to a child-sized snow cone stand filled with toppings that they can reach and mix into their sweet treat.

The kids get the satisfaction of thinking they are topping them off with “snacks” and I get the satisfaction of knowing that all of the kids' toppings are just diced up or dehydrated fruit. Hot parenting tip: crushed up dehydrated strawberries look virtually identical to some sugary cereals in the eyes of kids, but are A LOT healthier.

I tried to give a helping hand to Birdie with her first one, but after she learned her way around the topping table, she was very eager to do it on her own the next round.

Charlie had fun pulling together his, as well.

In all my years of bartending, I don't think I have ever had more demanding (yet adorable) “clients” than these children asking for their next round of snow cones. Perhaps that is why there is a drinking age limit, those toddlers were VERY demanding with the speed of each drink order (and you know…the whole alcohol thing).

But it made for some very happy kids and very happy tummies. 

But it wasn't just the kids that got to enjoy the pleasures of a freshly made snow cone. They were accompanied by their parents and all of us grown-ups enjoyed our grown-up versions while the kids played in the backyard.

Tell me you don't want to indulge yourself on a late summer day with that delicious looking boozy cocktail up there. There are still officially a few weeks left of the season, so get to it!

Who knew shaved ice could be so delicious and easy?

To create a little seating area for the adults we sourced some affordable circular tablecloths and then layered them on top of each other for hangout time. Because they are tablecloths, it means that they can easily be thrown into the wash when the party's over and used again and again. It's high impact and low maintenance.

We played around with pattern and color by layering on white, blue and blush and then punched it up to make it feel more modern with hits of metallic and black-and-white buffalo check.

We got the white fabric bunting and strung it out across the yard to give it a summery vibe. I love how fun the backyard feels with them strung across back and forth and because they are fabric, it means that if they get rained or spilled on, you can throw them in the wash. It's staying as of now and I love seeing it outside the dining room window.

It was a very happy afternoon in one of our last weeks before school starts and we all had so much fun. The sugar high that ensued quickly after is a different story, but let's just all remember the look on these happy faces as we enjoyed our snow cone party.

There we all are feeling full, refreshed and happy. Let us know if you have any questions on any of the DIYs or materials. Here is a Get the Look with everything we used for the snow cone soirée in case you want to recreate the look yourself. I recommend that if you have more than five kids (for like a birthday party, for instance), to rent a huge snow-cone cart that can produce more at a time, or hire a snow-cone tender that can crush a bunch of ice on demand so that you can serve them up quickly for the kids. But it was honestly so fun and could be a great back-to-school neighborhood party for both kids and adults. Thanks to Culligan Water, we threw our first (and probably not our last) for our neighbors.

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Culligan DIY Snow Cone Party

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$9" alt="Pinwheel Cupcake Picks (set of 8) - $9" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="68,5912,33,6028,65,6143,129,6209,185,6223,209,6198,252,6151,293,6135,360,6123,446,6121,468,6098,461,5972,372,5900,269,5877" href="https://rstyle.me/n/c8svcbsdhw" title="Black Mini Bowl - $4" alt="Black Mini Bowl - $4" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="216,6188,324,6145,407,6140,532,6128,631,6176,640,6266,610,6348,416,6397,263,6381,200,6329,179,6305" href="https://rstyle.me/n/c8svcusdhw" title="Blush Shallow Bowl - $20" alt="Blush Shallow Bowl - $20" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="289,6340,54,6432,11,6548,81,6751,594,6798,906,6731,942,6571,801,6429,612,6363" href="https://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20033919/" title="Woven Floor Pouf - $30" alt="Woven Floor Pouf - $30" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="953,6139,928,5829,917,5698,1049,5622,1164,5624,1282,5757,1274,5854,1255,5922,1247,6035,1226,6067,1179,6110,1162,6189,1161,6205,1094,6227,1013,6208" href="https://rstyle.me/n/c8svfbsdhw" title="Glass Pitcher - $15" alt="Glass Pitcher - $15" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="970,6417,988,6231,1165,6223,1204,6184,1220,6112,1226,6086,1285,6054,1338,5980,1381,5988,1341,6087,1291,6230,1255,6308,1217,6379,1173,6444,1131,6462,1095,6471" href="https://rstyle.me/n/c8svezsdhw" title="Copper Tray - $15" alt="Copper Tray - $15" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="783,6152,819,6503,970,6455,976,6339,985,6150,874,6142" href="https://rstyle.me/n/c8svf7sdhw" title="Dip Milky White Double Old-Fashioned Glass - $6" alt="Dip Milky White Double Old-Fashioned Glass - $6" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="1355,6053,1204,6485,1463,6577,1593,6113" href="https://31bits.com/products/plant-dyed-napkin-set?variant=252978233356" title="Mustard Napkin - $24" alt="Mustard Napkin - $24" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="1536,6334,1489,6500,1474,6741,1722,6758,1762,6294" href="https://31bits.com/products/plant-dyed-napkin-set?variant=252978233356" title="Blush Napkin -$24" alt="Blush Napkin -$24" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="1883,5417,1594,5578,1516,5757,1557,5890,1689,5937,1892,5948,2023,5873,2122,5787,2152,5716,2201,5676,2274,5696,2336,5690,2465,5560,2449,5389,2369,5315" href="http://www.anrdoezrs.net/links/7314754/type/dlg/https://food52.com/shop/products/4463-dansk-niklas-bread-tray" title="Wood Tray - $30" alt="Wood Tray - $30" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="1901,5986,1863,6066,1900,6139,1952,6241,1960,6396,1989,6499,2025,6542,2080,6592,2137,6577,2134,6473,2077,6319,2049,6151,2055,6112,2058,6031,2041,6002,2013,5978,1963,5959" href="https://31bits.com/products/teak-ball-spoon?variant=252953198604" title="Wood Spoon - $32" alt="Wood Spoon - $32" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" > shape="poly" coords="2089,6398,2299,6509,2395,6331,2452,6019,2441,5823,2307,5739,2183,5749,2114,5787,2004,5841,1937,5904,2016,5968,2033,5981,2055,6031,2061,6063,2051,6095,2030,6152,2015,6193,2042,6263" href="https://rstyle.me/n/c8sviqsdhw" title="Buffalo Check Napkins - $10" alt="Buffalo Check Napkins - $10" data-action="url" data-color-scheme="" target="_new" class="url-area" >

Blue Cake Stands - $45 - $68

Buffalo Check Table Runner - $30

Handblown Glass Ice Bucket - $84

Wood Cake Stand - $40

Striped Bunting - $14

Small Jam Jar (set of 6) - $11

Medium Jam Jar (set of 12) - $24

Paper Snow Cone Cup (set of 200) - $18

Blue and White Striped Straws (set of 100) - $9

Copper Oil and Vinegar Set - $39

Copper Tong - $14

Ngwenya Recycled Glass Jojo Decanter - $60

Marble + Copper Serving Board - $58

Ngwenya Recycled Glass Bottle Decanter - $60

Mini Gold Spoon - $6

Low Copper Planter - $149

Glass Jug - $2

Copper Tray - $69

Colorful Spoon Set - $12

Copper Plated 4″ Cocktail Picks - $10

Copper Jigger (set of 2) - $13

2-Tier Loop Server with Handle - $50

Solid Brass Ice Cream Scoop - $70

Copper and Brass Louise Bowls - $25 - $95

White Bunting - $8

Rose Gold Paper Straws - $9

Kid's Picnic Table Set - $195

Wooden Crate - $11

Buffalo Check Round Table Cloth - $25

White Round Table Cloth - $13

Oar Small Enamel Light Purple Bowl - $20

Oar Medium Enamel Mint Bowl - $30

Blue Pillow - $15

Pink Floor Pillow - $30

Dark Charcoal Velvet Tufted Floor Cushion - $45

Mustard Throw Blanket - $88

Pinwheel Cupcake Picks (set of 8) - $9

Black Mini Bowl - $4

Blush Shallow Bowl - $20

Woven Floor Pouf - $30

Glass Pitcher - $15

Copper Tray - $15

Dip Milky White Double Old-Fashioned Glass - $6

Mustard Napkin - $24

Blush Napkin -$24

Wood Tray - $30

Wood Spoon - $32

Buffalo Check Napkins - $10

1. Blue Cake Stands | 2. Buffalo Check Table Runner | 3. Handblown Glass Ice Bucket | 4. Wood Cake Stand | 5. Striped Bunting | 6. Small Jam Jar | 7. Medium Jam Jar | 8. Paper Snow Cone Cup | 9. Blue and White Striped Straws | 10. Copper Oil and Vinegar Set | 11. Copper Tong | 12. Ngwenya Recycled Glass Jojo Decanter | 13. Marble + Copper Serving Board | 14. Ngwenya Recycled Glass Bottle Decanter | 15. Mini Gold Spoon | 16. Low Copper Planter | 17. Glass Jug | 18. Copper Tray | 19. Colorful Spoon Set | 20. Copper Plated 4″ Cocktail Picks | 21. Copper Jigger | 22. 2-Tier Loop Server with Handle | 23. Electric Ice Crusher Shaver Snow Cone Maker Machine | 24. Solid Brass Ice Cream Scoop | 25. Scratch Marble and Resin Platter | 26. Copper and Brass Louise Bowls | 27. White Bunting | 28. Rose Gold Paper Straws | 29. Kid's Picnic Table Set | 30. Wooden Crate | 31. Buffalo Check Round Table Cloth | 32. White Round Table Cloth | 33. Oar Small Enamel Light Purple Bowl | 34. Oar Medium Enamel Mint Bowl | 35. Blue Pillow | 36. Pink Floor Pillow | 37. Dark Charcoal Velvet Tufted