#//also i only put the one sideblog on there because if i goddamn started with that nonsense...i'd die.

[four-color-words]

Bailey Adler - An Intro

((Notice: I wrote this while extremely goddamn sleepy, so if I need to elaborate or make something clearer or whatever, lemme know and I'll try my best after I get some sleep))

So, I try pretty hard to keep this sideblog restricted to canon-only stuff. But if I'm gonna start talking about my silly little fanfic on here, I ought to talk about the oc it centers around

Takeoff is the first arc of Bailey's story, and serves as her origin. The front half of it, I like to imagine, takes place in the background of a Flash comic. The back half of it, which I'm currently writing, is a backup or secondary story. Bailey's theoretical solo wouldn't start until she takes up the Golden Eagle mantle, passed down from Charley.

(fun fact: I came up with her around eight years ago, and she's actually what led me to learning about Charley -- but I decided it would be more fun (and achievable) to try and explain how and why Bales was inheriting a mantle, than trying to come up with a new, unused name for her)

Bailey's a complicated character, and it's hard to summarize all the stuff she's got going on. She's very emotionally-driven, and she wears her big bleeding heart on her sleeve. She doesn't exactly like this about herself, but she's been trying and failing to change this for two decades; it's in her nature. And, really, it's the fact that her emotions do run so deep and strong that leads to her becoming a superhero.

Bailey grew up in a small Oklahoma town, and as far as she's concerned, the less she has to talk about that, the better. She moved to Central City to try and not only start a new life, but to forget her old one. Helping her best friend with the rent was a bonus.

Unfortunately, the past won't let Bailey just walk away. Bailey lands a job at a local museum -- no, not that one -- just in time for a haunted suit of armor, a cold case disappearance, and a whole lot of mystery to cross her path. As secrets start to rise to the surface, Bailey finds her own family history might just be tangled up in this web. And untangling it all might mean facing the parts of her past -- and her relationship with her mother's side of the family -- that she really doesn't want to.

Bailey discovers her great-grandmother, Rachel Faulkner, was born Rashel Tavros, of Thanagar. And while this does explain a few things about Bailey's own life -- in particular, why she's always been stronger and tougher than she wants to admit, and why she's always overestimated other people's vision and hearing -- it also leaves her with a lot of questions, and a sense of duty she can't quite shake. She's forced to acknowledge that she's not a normal human. She has gifts and abilities that set her apart from the rest of the populace. She has power -- and we can all finish the old adage.

But she also made promises to her father and sister that, on some level, she feels like she's breaking if she starts being a superhero. Reconciling that and dealing with the guilt, however, are just things she's going to have to do. She does inherit the Golden Eagle mantle from Charley, though I won't say exactly how or why until after Takeoff's finale gets published. (because otherwise I'm not gonna ever write it)

A lot of Bailey's character and story revolve around the ideas of breaking out of cycles of abuse and neglect, what really defines a family, and a whole lot of stuff I'm struggling to put into words.

But while Bailey has, like, so much angst and emotional turmoil, she's also just a big ol' goober. She talks to random pigeons and sings along to the radio while she does chores. She gives her friends stupid nicknames as a form of affection. She offers the neighbor kid cookies because she baked too many at three am, and then realizes how fucking weird that is as a complete stranger. She flirts with people and then freezes like a deer in the headlights when they flirt back. She spent the first twenty-ish years of her life dreaming of being Space Indianna Jones. She's a history and literature nerd, and she will infodump at you about the similarities between art movements across three different planets.

She's a giant dork, and I love her

[the-iceni-bitch]

Push Me Closer

Kinkmas Day 6: Aphrodisiac

Relationship: Mr. Freezy x hitwoman!reader (Bobby and kitten, Poison Paradise AU)

Words: ~1k

Summary: You missed your man

Warnings: explicit language, explicit sexual content (f receiving oral sex, unprotected vaginal sex, mentions of anal fisting, some degradation ) pussy hungry Bobby, soft and high kitten, established relationship, drug and alcohol use, mentions of violence, SMUT!! 18+ ONLY!!

A/N: They are sluts, that is all.

I am no longer doing taglists so if you want to stay up to date on all the latest filth, follow my sideblog @the-iceni-library and turn on notifications!

Bobby growled and cracked his neck when he walked into the club, he and Curtis shouldering the crowd out of theirs and Lloyd’s way as they made their way towards the roped off area where you were supervising the rest of the girls.

As glad as he was that he’d managed to convince you to take on less hands-on jobs, he missed working with you as much as he used to. It would have been fun watching you beat the shit out on one of the assholes he’d dealt with tonight then been able to fuck you stupid in the car on the way back.

He could still fuck you now though.

You were leaning against the wall and sipping vodka when he found you, your hips swaying just slightly to the music as you kept one eye on the bosses’ girls and Bryce dancing and laughing and doing lines together while you also watched the crowd for any signs of trouble. Bobby could practically feel the change in your posture when you saw him, the way your body leaned towards him immediately making him growl and nod at Lloyd before moving to press his chest against yours.

“How was the job, Bobby?” You purred when he ducked to drag his nose over your cheek, sliding your free hand along the side of his neck and arching into him.

“It was fine, none of those idiots knew how to handle themselves in a fight.” He could feel how fucking warm you were and it was making him need to put his mouth on you. “How was babysitting?”

“Only had to stop the princess from scratching one dude’s eyes out, so good.” You almost dropped your drink when he wound an arm around your waist and pulled you close, moaning and squeezing your thighs together when he started sucking on your ear. “Missed you, Bobby.”

“Yeah, because you’re a needy bitch.” He bit your ear and groaned when you tugged on his hair, leaning back and licking his lips when he saw how blown your eyes were, loving the thought of having you all pliable and sweet since you went soft whenever you were high. “You on something?”

“Mmhm.” You set your glass aside and pulled the small vial of pills out of your jacket pocket, breathing deeply when he barely brushed his lips over yours. “You want one?”

He nodded and kept his eyes on yours when you held up one of the tabs and placed it on your tongue, grabbing your face and pressing his lips to yours so he could lick the pill out of your mouth. You melted against him when he deepened the kiss, whining softly and hooking your knee over his hips while you sucked on his tongue needily.

The effect was almost immediate. Bobby growled while he felt warmth start to flood his system, inhaling deeply and pressing close to you when he could smell how goddamn wet you were. He glanced over his shoulder just long enough to get a nod from Lloyd and he yanked you back towards one of the private booths, dragging the curtain closed and tossing you onto the table as he ran his tongue over his bottom lip.

Your breathy whines were only making him harder, his cock aching as it pressed against the front of his jeans while he leaned over you. You were already in such a haze from the drugs, and the way his hands were groping you and tugging at your dress was making it more intense. His hands skimmed over your thighs and you let them fall open lazily, purring when he shoved your skirt up around your hips and sat in front of you.

“Fuck, just look at this shit.” Bobby chuckled when you moaned as he dragged you towards his face, sinking his teeth into the inside of your thigh and licking the mark he left while he watched your bare pussy leak and throb for him. “What a fucking whore you are, walking around showing off my pussy dressed like a slut. Should make you apologize to me.”

“‘M sorry.” You gasped when he swiped his nose over your slit and buried it between your petals, wriggling uselessly when he teased the tip of his tongue over your asshole. “Bobby…”

“Shut the fuck up.” He grinned when he heard you huff, grabbing your knees and shoving them up towards your shoulders while he dragged the flat of his tongue over your cunt. “How is this cunt so sweet when you’re such a bitch?”

There was no way for you to answer him when he wrapped his mouth around your pussy and sucked lewdly, shivering when his tongue slid inside you as he groaned at your taste. Taking two of those pills was paying off, even though you knew it was going to turn you into a gooey mess as soon as you laid eyes on him, but now you were about to come after almost nothing and it was worth it.

He could feel the way you were fluttering for him and it made him hum, swallowing as much of your slick as possible and still ending up with it dripping down his chin while his upper lip rubbed against your clit. Eating you out when you were high was one of his favorite things, the only thing better was fucking your when you were high, which he was going to do just as soon as…

You moaned and arched your whole body when your pussy clenched and you gushed your release into his eager mouth, your thighs trembling under his hands while he slurped up your juices.

“Such an easy bitch, Christ.” Bobby just let you writhe around stupidly while he rose to his feet, undoing his fly in a rush before stretching over you and grabbing your jaw as he shoved his cock inside you, making you whimper into his mouth. “What d’you think, kitten? Should I shove my fist up your ass while I fuck this slutty cunt?”

[assemblcd]

for the giggles...the blogs vesta has, could still pop onto, and has archived.

active or i at least poke them:

canon multi (marvel/mcu) - @assemblcd

canon/oc multi (vikings) - @norseblooded​

canon multi (game of thrones) - @fircandfury​

betty cooper (riverdale) - @perfectiontm​

jughead jones (riverdale) - @tenfoldhunger​

pansy parkinson (harry potter) - @parkinsiin​

sirius black (harry potter) - sideblog, under construction

wendy case (sons of anarchy) - @oldladyisms​

canon/oc multi (newsies) - @alodginghouse

not archived, but not that active:

selina kyle (batman returns) - @shrecksassistant

barbara kean (gotham) - @pcachykean

oc multi (fandomless) - @avestaproduction

solo oc (fandomless / vampire) - @vampirethief

harley quinn (pre-new52 - @revxurxharley

long susan hart (ripper street) - @lcngsusan

solo oc (game of thrones) - @drekiwulf

betty rizzo (grease) - @impurepink

alice cooper (au riverdale only) - @alwaysaserpent

walda bolton (game of thrones) - @wclda

cersei lannister (game of thrones) - @machinaticns

hilda spellman (chilling adventures of sabrina) - @auntiehildatm

archived: under a cut and for brevity i didn’t list the urls. if you wanted to know, feel free to ask.

solo oc blog (fandomless)

solo oc blog (fandomless / death)

multi oc blog (fandomless)

wendy case (sons of anarchy) 1, 2

esai alverez (sons of anarchy)

ima tite (sons of anarchy)

bellatrix lestrange (harry potter) 1, 2

canon multi (harry potter)

sansa stark (game of thrones) 1, 2, 3

ros (game of thrones)

cersei lannister (game of thrones)

solo oc blog (game of thrones)

torvi (vikings)

siggy (vikings)

multi oc blog (vikings)

harley quinn (pre-new52) 1, 2, 3

topaz (mcu)

miaka yuki (fushigi yuugi)

rogue (x-men)

betty rizzo (grease)

veronica mars (veronica mars)

sarah jacobs (newsies) 1, 2

[star-anise]

so this is, i guess, post public or private whichever's more useful; how do i find local activism? I know there's protests happening in my town but usually I don't hear where until it's in the newspaper the next day. I see posts from ppl talking about how they get asked about protests and the asker is totally a cop; I understand their suspicion and I don't want me asking to give info to cops, but I don't know how to even start. (you're not local to me, this is a "how do i" general question)

I was talking this over lately with my ex, since there are actually a lot of differences of opinion on the subject of how open to be about your activism on social media. She comes from the suspicious, decentralized, “don’t let them see your face don’t let them follow you home never admit anything” school of thought and is very twitchy that she’s now an activist of record and her city’s Chief of Police just started following her on Twitter, because that’s the opposite of what she’s used to.

But someone else we know is the chief of communications for a national nonprofit who’s kind of like... “Privacy is dead, they’re going to figure out who you are anyway, if you don’t have a CSIS* file are you really an activist, might as well put everything on Facebook where it’s easy to find and operate under the assumption that the police are watching you all the time and at least one member of your group is inevitably an undercover police officer.”

(*CSIS = Canadian Security and Intelligence Service)

So I think part of the murkiness of things is because activists are innately a very heterogenous group and everyone does things a little differently. Some groups are registered nonprofits with boards of directors and publish their minutes online; some you can only learn the existence of by being an established regular in the local scene for years and being invited over one day. 

I’m not really afraid of the police finding out this information mostly just because the police already know so why don’t ordinary activists become as effective at networking with each other as the police are at finding all of us.

So these are a few of the pathways I’ve found:

1. Show up to things - Find established groups that operate in the public eye for some kind of social cause (Food Not Bombs, your local LGBTQ+ organization, an anti-racism group, an environmental group, or even just the campaign of a progressive politician) and show up to whatever things there are to show up to, and talk with people. With enough time you’ll get to know the different leanings and personalities of the people around you, and hear about what else they’re doing. So your actual “work” might just be making sandwiches or handing out flyers, but you’ll get to network with people and learn about your local scene.

2. Subscribe to local sources of news - Independent local newspapers or newsletters often have more information than the big syndicated ones, and often have more coverage of local events like city council meetings or local activist or special interest groups. Community associations, social justicey religious assemblies, and local social groups also have newsletters that often feature advertisements for planning meetings. Poke around and see what you can access, 

3. Start at the top on social media - Figure out who your local elected officials and media figures are--your city councillors, your local independent newspaper’s publishers and writers, local academics or public policy wonks. Watch their feeds; they might know where the interesting stuff is, and the traffic in their posts is often other local people who care about local politics. They might post about what’s going on, or you can try striking up conversations with them.

There are a lot of other paths, too. I tend rather towards the more legally approved end of activism, the kind of people who testify at legislative committees and submit policy briefs, partly because I’m disabled enough that leaving the goddamn house is a challenge and the most covert things I run online are Tumblr sideblogs. For finding the less licit stuff, you might have to get advice from somebody else.

[fuelled-by-fanfiction-archived]

SFW Alphabet: Adam Ruzek

Originally I was gonna do an NSFW alphabet, but when I came  across this template the sappy romantic in me jumped out. Also, I seem to get great reactions when I post for Adam so he’s the one I wanted to do first!

I found this template on @anonymous-sideblog .

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Adam is really, really affectionate. As long as you’re good with PDA, then there’s no keeping him away from you. Even at work, he’s gotta have an arm around your waist or a guiding hand on your back. At Molly’s, he’ll pull you into his lap and spend the entire evening cuddling into you. And then at home.....it’s like having a baby koala. To two of you have to be in arm’s reach at all times. It’s a rule.

B = Beginning (How would the relationship start?)

Adam probably confessed his feelings to you after getting lashed at Molly’s (he needed a little liquid courage to get it out). The night ended with you letting him crash at your place, and the two of you actually talking things out over coffee and Advil the next morning.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Adam. Loves. Cuddling. It’s gotten to the point where he actually can’t sleep unless you’re beside him, because it makes him worry that he can’t protect you. Normally he’s the big spoon because he like to make you feel safe but if it’s been a bad night then he’s got no qualms with curling up in bed with you holding him.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

He’s definitely gotten much more domestic since he’s been with you. He’s gone from ordering takeout every night to being able to actually cook dinner for the two of you. If you’ve had a long day he’ll do his absolute best to make sure that you come home to a clean house with a nice dinner.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Adam would probably sit you down and just tell it to you straight. He wouldn’t appoint or alleviate blame, he’d just get it over with and tell you that even though things aren’t working out, the time he’d spent with you had been the best time of his life.

F = Fiancé(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Adam’s been engaged three times before, so it’s safe to say that both of you are hesitant. You’re not too concerned about what’s going to happen, you’re more focused on the present.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Two words: gentle giant. You know what Adam does in the job, what he has to do in the line of work. He tries his utmost to not bring work home, but sometimes it just slips. He’s learnt not to slam doors and shout during arguments (sometimes the hard way, I’m afraid),

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Bear hugs, side hugs, sleepy hugs, drunk hugs, sad hugs, tight hugs, lift-you-off-the-ground-and-swing-you-around-when-you’re-least-expecting-it hugs. The man has got range.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

I’d say Adam says it fairly quick. He’d never make you feel pressured to say it back, and whenever you’re ready he’ll gladly reciprocate.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He finds great pleasure in in striding over to you and locking lips with you in front of whoever’s ballsy enough to flirt with you. If it’s at work, he’s gonna do the exact same. End of story.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Cheek kisses if you’re at work, nose kisses to make you smile, neck kisses when he’s teasing, forehead kisses when he’s being protective. Adam likes to be kissed anywhere and everywhere, but he’ll never really tell you his favourite.

But I sure as hell will. It’s when you cup his face in your hands and plant little kisses all over his face until you finally give him a proper kiss. He blushes like crazy afterwards and everyone calls him whipped but it’s worth it.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He’s awesome with kids. One time you and him babysat your nieces and nephews and you still think that they like him more than they like you.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Adam is by no means an early bird. Most of your mornings spent with him consist of lazy cuddling, sleepy kisses and having to drag him out of the bed.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

You’re both generally quite tired after work, so your time together mainly consists of food, hanky panky and sleep.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Adam’s pretty open. He doesn’t want any personal secrets between the two of you. The only thing he refuses to share about is work (that’s if you’re not a cop/in Intelligence). He doesn’t want to drag you down with him.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s got a bit of a short temper, but not when it comes to you. He’s learned that you have no tolerance for raised voices and slammed doors, so he’s learned to not bring the anger work gives him home.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Adam prides himself on being a good boyfriend. He remembers everything: the date of the day you first went out, your favorite colour, your birthday, your childhood pets’ names, anything you’ve ever told him.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

It’s the first night you stayed over. You were so shy and nervous, which he thought was adorable. You went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed facing away from each other. But when he woke up the next morning, he had both arms around you and you were curled up on his chest. After a few minutes spent looking down at you with a smile, he tried to pull away but you threw an arm around him and pulled him in tighter. He’d never been happier than in that moment.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He’s protective to the point of overbearingness. Whenever possible he protects you physically (stepping in front of you, holding you close, covering your body with his). He needs to have you with him so he knows he can keep you safe.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Though he fairs well in all the other departments, Adam is terrible at romance. His idea of a romantic date night is takeout and a basketball game. It’s generally falls on you to bring the romance to the table.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Like I said, he’s overprotective to the point of being overbearing. It pisses you off because sometimes it seems like he doesn’t trust you enough to be responsible.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks? Do your looks bother them?)

Adam likes to make sure that he’s well kept. And as for your looks? He really couldn’t care less. As long as you look after yourself, your personality is all that really matters.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Yes, absolutely. You are, quite literally, the light of his life.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

He love sit when you take care of him when he’s hurt. He pretends to hate it and tried to swat your hand away, but he loves it when you go over his wounds again and again and treat him like he’s fragile.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He wouldn’t like someone who’s cocky or arrogant (I know, the pot calling the kettle black). He’s a little egotistical, so he definetly needs someone to balance him out.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs? Does it change around a partner?)

Sleeps like a freight train. He takes over the entire bed, meaning you can either sleep in the tiny gap left or cuddle up to him (he acts like it’s an accident, but it’s really not). He finds it difficult to sleep without you, because he’s gotten so used to having you in the bed beside him.

Not to be a twat, but it’s taken me over three and a half hours over four days to write this. Please, please, please leave some feedback. This is the longest thing I’ve ever written, and it was a genuine pain in the goddamn ass to finish.

[raayllum]

Adding some fuel to the Ja/naya fire, there was a blog I used to follow that was a big Jan/aya stan (even made the ship name their url) and I put up with their less good takes for the tdp content until they started guilting people who use Tumblr as an escape for not devoting 90% of their blog to the depressing/genuinely upsetting issues of the world. Tbh I’ve been unfollowing a lot of people because of how common these kinds of takes have become... it really sucks.

damn, really wasn’t expecting anyone else to have shit to get off their chest but go for it. on topic of the actual ask though - because i do know that this is something that exists in a lot of different corners of the internet - 

as someone who has a multifandom main blog and then like, six sideblogs (this included, but i also have a “prince of egypt” sideblog so you can imagine how niche it gets sometimes) i made a decision a long time ago that my sideblogs would purposefully be separate from not only each other but all the stuff on my main. not only is that the point for better organization, but people are following me for certain things. that doesn’t mean my any of my blogs are void of “political” opinions - in some ways they’re full of them, because all my personal beliefs of being supporting things like blm or being pro choice are moral decisions for me and i like to think i live out my values here, in my writing, and of course offline in the courses i take, the books i read, and the relationships i have. 

but i made the choice a long time ago that most of that first hand reflection would go on my main blog so that if people want an escape from upsetting material (like, there’s always a level of removal when it comes to statistics related to Black people, because that will never be me because i’m not Black, but even my discomfort and guilt is the most positive feeling because for other people who are Black, that’s genuine fear and possibility) they can have it. no one can be exposed to signs of their own trauma or the world’s trauma constantly. 

i’m someone who has very little patience for bad takes on anything. like i unfollow for very small reasons and will just check general tags for the content i wanna see. curating your online experience is really important and like, i think the route of the issue you’re having is that people making those posts are operating under assumptions (which may or may not be true)

it’s assuming that Black people aren’t reading those posts and i’m pretty sure none of them need any more reminders about what they’re living day-to-day with their whole lives. it’s the assumption that compassion fatigue and burnout aren’t real for everyone. it’s the assumption that somehow, most people in certain predominantly liberal spaces (like tumblr) aren’t aware that we’re simultaneously living through a largely unprecedented pandemic with a rising death toll, trumpy in office, trans and queer rights being revoked, concentration camps in denmark, russia, and china, and along the usa-mexico border, indigenous and black people facing police brutality in canada, the uapa in india, yemen being the largest humanitarian crisis in the world with its population currently on the brink of extinction because of that same pandemic, and political corruption and protests against terrorism in the philippines. and climate change, and world hunger, and all the usual shit.  

and maybe you didn’t know all of those things until right now. maybe you’ve donated or gone to protests in support of all of them. maybe you’ve signed some petitions. 

but like. the world is a goddamn shit hole sometimes and i say that as someone who actually does have a very hopeful outlook on the world and a lot of faith in humanity as a species. and all of those are very important issues to educate yourself on and be aware of and we do need to put support towards them and uplift voices and the whole nine yards, do not get me wrong. 

but treating activism like capitalist profit where it has to be dominating your entire life because you Always Have To Be Productive + even more moral guilt tripping for taking a two hour break or just trying to cope with whatever is going on in your own life and stepping away from a constant stream of shit news? i’m not a fan. treating like what people do online in terms of retweeting all the right things all the right time is the peak of activism? 

social media is important. activism is extremely important. but you cannot help take care of other people or even contribute to movements if you’re going to destroy yourself in the process. you will actively be able to do less and we will lose you. we cannot preach self care and simultaneously shit on people for doing some of it. that’s counter productive and harmful to everyone involved. 

it’s the assumption that if you’re not constantly choosing to be angry or suffering or in pain than you’re doing something wrong. even though what activism is trying to stop, at its core, is the suffering of people who did not choose to be. sharing a load is one thing. actively feeling guilty for enjoying yourself because humans were not built to be miserable 24/7 is another. it also might be hard to imagine, but some people are having really good things happen to them right now, too. some people are getting engaged, or having a baby, or getting a job, or a book deal, or or or - and that doesn’t erase the shittiness. that doesn’t mean these good things aren’t individualistic. but goddamn let them have good life changing stuff sometimes, god knows there’s enough bad life changing stuff all the time too

i was watching a video earlier today, where a white women (hi my own demographic whom i hate) was harassing two hispanic women for speaking in spanish. another white woman stepped in and used her privilege and told her to gtfo. and seeing people actually use their white privilege is good and a sign of something going right. but then came the feeling of “i wish i could do that” and guilt that i wasn’t. and yeah, maybe i could, if i saw a similar case happen in front of me (thus far, i have not, but i am a very introverted person who doesn’t go out too often to begin with), but i’m also not going outside to stores right now because we’re in the middle of a pandemic and i do live with some elderly family members and i’m also helping people by staying home. 

so i have talks with my white family members about combatting white fragility and do my best to educate myself. i check my blind spots and look at things mainstream american media also isn’t talking about, like two indigenous people in my country who recently went missing. i check in on my friends and see how they’re coping with their own lives and covid. i sign any and all petitions i come across. (luckily the protests where i live have so far been peaceful and police haven’t escalated the violence.) i do my best to stay updated and to take care of myself.

i’m a human being. looking for bright spots in the darkness is what we do. that’s why we named stars. 

- Bertolt Brecht

and i will not apologize or be shamed for it

[girlbookwrm]

i DO recommend these fics, but this ISN’T actually a rec list

a while ago i did a meta about Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier and Hydra and the headcanons I put in The Terror of Knowing, and I mentioned that I wanted to compile a long-ass list of fics that inspired The Hundred Year Playlist and ppl (hi @conlatio and @marveluc) asked about it SO HERE, AT LONG FUCKING LAST, IT IS.

Fanfiction, like every other art form that has ever existed in the history of ever, is all about synthesis: combining pre-existing elements to make something new. It’s the making something new thing that’s exciting. (If you’re not making something new with your found material, that’s called plaigiarism and it’s distinctly uncool.)

When I was in college and grad school, if we used material from other scholars to make a new idea, we made sure to include a bibliography. 

Now this is fic, so like. Everyone knows that we’re using found material. We put the fandom in the tags and everything. But there’s a lot of unseen inspiration, because it’s harder to tag all the fics and metas you read that gave you ideas and inspiration along the way.

I’m... making an attempt.

These are some, SOME of the fics that inspired the headcanons and characterizations and whatnot that then got incorporated into THYP. I’ve been reading MCU fic since 2014 (possibly earlier) and I didn’t even start thinking about THYP until 2017, so there’s probably a lot of stuff that went into my subconscious that I’ve forgotten about. I’m @ing the authors and sources when I know them, but if any of yall want me to like, un-@you (is that a thing??) or if any of you know of authors who have tumblrs that I DIDN’T @ but should have, pls let me knoooowwww

A (Probably Incomplete, but at least Attempted) Fanfic Bibliography for The Hundred Year Playlist

by Seriously I Don’t Have More Important Things To Do? Astonishing.

PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS IN THE FICS THEMSELVES. THYP may be rated T for Teen (and even that I debate about tbh, given all the swears and violence) but most of these fics are very emphatically not.  some of them will probably squick you out, some of them might be triggering, so take care of yourselves.

I’ve divided the list into sections by the story they inspired, but all of these stories inspired all the parts of THYP, this is a very very very rough categorization. Think of it as my fanfic n headcanon spice rack. some stories are going to have more or less of one spice or another.

Dreamers With Empty Hands

All the Angels and the Saints by @cesperanza

"You're a brutal person, you know that? You're always rummaging through my guts with your bare hands!" and then Bucky turned away, his long, muscled back curving as he sat on the edge of the bed, hunched and struggling for breath. Steve wanted to draw him, and he also wanted to blot the image from his memory: this picture of Bucky in despair.

Speranza’s Socialist Steve is deeply flawed in a way that people don’t usually write him and i love it so much??? He’s angry, and egotistical, and righteous in a way that’s hard on the people around him and I was like YESGOOD MORE PLS. It’s also a masterful example of how to write a story that’s ostensibly Steve-POV but still manages to make Bucky not only a main player, but a driving force. It’s about Steve, on the surface, sure. But it’s also about Bucky, because Steve is about Bucky and I just *clenches fist* love it.

cascades. 

This fic. THIS FIC. Hngh. Okay so this fic is good on so many levels, but for THYP, the takeaway was me very gently lifting the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family dynamic and then adding more swears to get to my take on the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family Dynamic. Namely: 

“Steve was a bit of a Barnes, too, wasn’t he,” she says.

“He was ours,” says Rebecca, shrugging. “We were his.”

i crie???

More Man Than You

“You’re very pretty,” she said, and Steve tensed up.

“I’m not a fairy.”

“No, you’re not, are you?”

this fic has a study guide. and that’s literally all I feel I need to say about it. It’s an exploration of queer culture and masculinity in the 30s and 40s, thinly veiled as stucky fanfiction. (It’s also pretty brutal so I’ll reiterate that you need to heed the goddamn warnings)

Also, lest yall think I came up with Billy Thompson in a vacuum, I didn’t. In this fic, there’s a violent mob runner called Duke, and Steve comes up with a plan to take him down, and Bucky makes sure that there’s a Different plan that Steve doesn’t know about.  It’s all executed a little differently in this fic, but the idea lodged in my brain and got reused in THYP, and kind of became a central theme.

Good Morning Heartache, What’s New?

The Night War by @praximeter

IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. This is... honestly, just one of the finest pieces of fiction i just 

HNNNNGH

I don’t know that I can point to any specific part of this fic and say “this gave me that idea” it was more the... the feel of it. The way the Normandy invasion is written and the way the trauma is handled and the way Steve is just slightly to the left of being a real soldier and especially this:

He asked me with a smile on his face what goes through my mind when I line up my shot—God and country? Pearl Harbor? Uncle Sam? —and I stared at him struck dumb from the question so long that I think he thought I was just plain stupid. The fact is that it is none of those things—not even close. It is sick, numb fear and careful, barely breathing so that I don’t miss. I must never miss. And then when I shoot, an awful thought curls up from my trigger finger to my heart “how many mothers must be praying I will miss?”

The Thirteen Letters

oh you didn’t really think that Not Easily Conquered wasn’t going to be on this list, didja? OF COURSE IT’S ON THE LIST. But possibly not for the reason you might think. That fic is legen-fucking-dary of course, and the scene where Steve gets stabbed was obviously very inspirational for that bit in GMHWN where Steve gets shot in the thigh, but the scene that really got teeth into my brain and Would Not Let Go was the one where the Howlies meet the Winged Victory of Samothrace and 

Bucky knows the truth now. It is a deep and insurmountable truth. She has no face. Like the operative whose head he beat in, like the boy who he killed one month into active duty, even like Bucky himself, Nike is faceless. Bucky feels unprepared, or like he should have brought an offering.

Beside him Steve quakes before the oldest and the only god.

look my fixation with statues didn’t come from nowhere is what i’m saying ok

Sincerely, Your Pal

This fic haunts me because i hate the ending. not because it’s not good (It IS good) or because it’s not the right ending for the story (it IS the right ending for the story) but just because i  h a t e  i t. I just like happy endings is all, and resolutions, and this fic is why THYP will have a happy ending.

But also, I really liked the way this fic dealt with Bucky in Basic and lines like this really caught in my brain:

And of course I want to kill some Nazis I guess but not because they’re people. Not because I actually want people to die because I don’t.

And that sentiment definitely fed into how I write Bucky especially.

The Terror of Knowing

there must have been a moment by @redstarwhitestar (magdaliny’s marvel sideblog)

Listen, I’ve been trying to make sure that there’s a good spread of writers on this list but magdaliny is the exception. Magdaliny is the exception for a lot of things and there must have been a moment when we could have said no is always the first fic I think of when I think of a fic about Bucky’s time as the Soldier. Which is ironic, because it’s very much about his time after that, but that first chapter made uhhhhhhhhhhh an impression.

The fractured nature of the narrative, the way that the reader can piece together a coherent timeline but the main character can’t... that was very influential on TTOK. example:

“Kill him,” the officer says.

The subject says: “Why?”

☙

“Kill him,” the officer says.

The subject makes a mess.

☙

“Kill him cleanly,” the officer says. “Good! Good lad.”

I’ll build a house inside of you

Another magdaliny G I F T, an AU where Nat is much younger and Bucky is her dad, and if you think that didn’t affect the way I write Bucky and Nat’s relationship in THYP, then you are dreaming. 

Past the praises of the handlers, above the hot wet smell of cordite and blood, Natalia can hear crashing and shouting down the hall.

“—goddamn animals, they're little girls, they're just kids, you fucking—”

Her father screams in English, in Mandarin, in Russian, and then he just screams.

I know that’s a super sad excerpt but listen and hear me when I say this fic is actually really good and wholesome and it’s got A+++ OCs and All The Widows and it’s just really good ok

Memory

Bucky is hard AF to write and very few people write him half so well as magdaliny but one of those people is emilyenrose and this fic is M A S T E R F U L. Bittersweet and achingly perfect. It contains this beautiful moment that really stuck with me, where Steve is comparing the post WS “James” to the Pre War “Bucky” and realizes... 

He truly hadn't known James all that well. James hadn't let him. Hadn't wanted him to. Hadn't wanted anyone near him, ever—

—the way Bucky went, when he was miserable, when he was angry...

and that, to me, was kind of key when I went on to write the Soldier, because the Soldier IS Bucky, even when he isn’t.

Fool For Sacrifice

Dona Nobis Pacem

THIS GODDAMN FIC came to me outta FUCKING NOWHERE, I’d already written the first draft for FFS, I’d already started posting it, for crying out loud. And then all of a sudden I stumble upon THIS and i just

It’s already fading, just hours after the skirmish.  And the wounds Sam stitched will heal without a mark.  And the welts on Steve’s chest will disappear.  Like all of it never happened. 

Fuck the serum. He keeps thinking it, saying it.  Maybe if there were some goddamn scars, it’d be easier to process the damage.

This fic is heavy af, it’s like the 65k word version of That Chapter in FFS Where Steve Hits Rock Bottom. This was the fic I read when I was ramping myself up to tackle That Moment

three white horses

This is the other fic I read to ramp up for That Scene, and I think that probably shows in the way I wrote it. It is also is a Strong Contender for the title of Heavyweight Fic That Convinced Me Buck Is Jewish. Honestly I cannot praise this fic enough.

I think the thing that stuck hardest about the Steve in three white horses is the way he feels ghostly himself, like he’s only drifting through the present, and somehow most of his living happens in the past. It’s very beautifully done, and very subtly done, and it’s my go to fic if I am in Dire Need of a Good Clean Crie.

It’s getting an extra long excerpt because This Is My List And Neither God Nor Man Can Stop Me.

Steve's fingers touch metal when he reaches into the second-to-last box, and he feels the blood drain out of his face even before he's looked down. He knows the feel of it too well. He'd know it blind, a hundred years from now. It's Bucky's not-a-medal.

It'd been Bucky's grandfather's, or maybe his great-grandfather's, made of the kind of sterling silver that tarnishes if you look at it funny, so Bucky had always been polishing it; he'd traded cigarettes to the mess staff for baking soda and vinegar, during the war, but the thing was still soot-black half the time, like it is now. It'd been a fool's errand, wearing a thing like that in Axis territory, but Bucky'd worn it on his chain like the rest of the guys wore their Christophers and Michaels, and HYDRA'd ignored it. It was a subtle thing, though: nothing like wearing a Magen David, or the implacable H on Bucky's tags, just a thin slice of metal with a stylized branch and an oblique squiggle Steve only knows is the Hebrew word for life because Bucky told him so.

Bucky'd had a curious mix of reverence and irreverence about it, the same mixture that seemed to colour the whole of his religious life. He'd teased Steve sometimes, saying, “No, wait, you gotta kiss it before you enter the building, you schmuck, what are you, some kinda heathen?” with his legs around Steve's waist. Bucky hadn't complained when Steve had carried on with an inch of silver between his teeth, but Steve had offhandedly called it Bucky's good luck charm once, and Bucky'd blown up; it's not a superstition, he said, it's not a fucking amulet. He'd apologized later, and he'd explained, and said it was a touchy subject, just ingrained. Jews weren't supposed to believe in luck. Bucky'd thought maybe it was the opposite: maybe luck didn't believe in Jews.

Sparked Up Like a Book of Matches

AH YES, THE FIC THAT TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIL AUDREY JOKES. SIPPY CUPS OF SUPERBOOZE! A ROBOT CALLED SHITCAN!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU NEED IN A FIC??? I really like the way it addresses Steve being in the future is all

This one could probably also fall into the list of fics that inspired DWEH, in part because of This, which stuck with me Hard and heavily influenced the opening:

“...You ever have scarlet fever?"

Sam shakes his head.

"It starts in your throat, like an itch, and as your fever starts to climb, your tongue swells up and turns white and that's when they know, really, even before the rash, that it's scarlet fever. You can't swallow, it hurts so much. You're freezing and your joints ache and your fever keeps spiking and you start to hallucinate. I, uh, I thought things were crawling on me and there were voices that I didn't recognize whispering things that didn't make any sense. My mom had to fight me just to get me to drink broth, but I threw it up most of the time, anyway. Then I got pneumonia from being so worn down from the scarlet fever and I was so lucky, Sam. Nobody seems to understand how I lucky I was to make it through. Talking to people today, to make them understand I'd have to tell them I survived bird flu only to fall sick with Ebola."

listen. For reasons I can’t fully explain, I really wanted to read that happening so i wrote it, and this is what being a writer is All About.

Actually, on a second thought, I might be able to explain it: it’s because an experience like that is Capital F Formative, and I really wanted to explore how there’s a tiny sick kid rattling around inside Captain Beefcake’s souped up bod.

(And an additional shoutout to Steve Rogers’ American Captain, a webcomic that now exists only in the Wayback Machine, but which was L O V E L Y and I sincerely hope that the artist knows that)

No Hope for the Weary

Strays

This fic? is so fluffy?? Like literally so fluffy. But this fic (and, obviously, Infinite Coffee) were very much behind the inclusion of the God Damn Starbucks, and also the source of a lot of my headcanons about Barnes & Rogers: Secret Millennials. For Example: Bucky’s Notes on How To Be A Millennial:

- Lots of coffee. Travel mugs or paper cups from Starbucks place. Often looks guilty for drinking, obv derive pleasure from doing so. Unknown as to why. Investigate further? Why is there one every two blocks if no one wants it there? 

Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail

This is another fandom classic that needs very little introduction. A+ characterization, A+ OCs, Utterly Charming from start to finish, and the originator of a very distinct way of talking that got very strongly coded in my brain as Winter Soldier Bucky.

He passes within 4 m of Barnes on his way back to his building. The mission imperative achieves a Doppler effect.

contactContactCONTACTContactcontact

Aw.

If They Haven’t Learned Your Name by @silentwalrus1

If I had to point to one (1) fic and say “Blame This Fic for THYP” it would be this one: the Fic that my roommate and The Gal Pal know as “The One With the USS Motherfucker.” This might seem like an odd statement, because if you’ve read them both, I don’t think you’d necessarily put them in the same class. silentwalrus is a genius of hilarity and THYP is a big pile of The Sads. ITHLYN is delightfully unassuming and I’m sometimes embarrassed by how pretentious THYP ended up being. 

I would technically put this under the list of fics that heavily influenced NHFTW on account of the way it portrays Bucky going by gradual degrees from murderbot to mostly human person, but listen I could never write Cryptid!Bucky the way Silentwalrus has. It’s magnificent. And TBH the level of Intensity in ITHLYN’s Steve has is something I aspire to, and the Sam Characterization is On Point, and both those things influenced FFS, 112%. Nat’s Chaotic Slav Energy in this fic is OFF THE GODDAMN CHARTS and I LOVE IT. Every single side character, down to the spaceship is given the kind of care, attention, and characterization that just... it cannot be beat, my dudes.

16/10 highest recommendation. I could not possibly pick a single paragraph from this behemoth but uhhhhh

Two minutes in there’s a grunt and a slippery, gritty noise somewhere to her left, and then the Soldier barrels past at breakneck speed, vanishing down another tunnel. A second later Steve careens around the corner, bounces off the opposite wall and crashes away after him, so fast he’s nearly a blur. Natasha’s brain, entirely of its own accord, provides her with the utterly unhelpful accompaniment of a Yakety Sax soundtrack.

that’s it. that’s the fic.

Also, this fic is Stoutly To Blame for the playlist aspect of the hundred year playlist? Silentwalrus really got me good with Grounds for Divorce by Elbow, one of my all time favorite songs, which was then paired with one of my all time favorite chapters. By the time Caravan Palace’s Lone Digger made an appearance, I was sunk. This fic introduced me to Lyube, and gave me a new appreciation(?) for dubstep. So many of the songs ITHLYN used ended up in my Very Long Stucky Playlist, though I think the only one that then went on to become part of the Hundred Year Playlist: Upside Down and Inside Out by OK GO.

And Finally, the Coup De What The Fuck Ever:

Ain’t No Grave by @spitandvinegar

yet another fandom classic... I wasn’t sure where to put this fic, but I couldn’t NOT include it in the list. Spitandvinegar’s Steve is charming and so? Sweet? and the ANG Bucky is a delightful foulmouthed mess of a person, and the Sam/Claire pairing is something I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED, BUT I VERY MUCH NEEDED IT and I don’t know that I can point to a single thing and be like: Ah Yes, This Bit, but this is definitely one of my faves:

Imagine you live in this country, right? And there's a brutal war, and you witness and maybe participate in a horrific amount of violence, and you lose absolutely everyone you care about. Then you end up in this other country, where the culture and ways of doing things are completely foreign to you, and random assholes make fun of you for how you dress and act and talk while you're still coming to grips with the fact that everyone you love is gone and you can never go home again. Meanwhile, everyone around you is like "smile, motherfucker, you're in the Land of Plenty now, where there's a Starbucks on every corner and 500 channels on TV. You should be grateful! Why aren't you acting more grateful?" So you have to pretend to be grateful while you're dying inside. Sound like an traumatized, orphaned refugee? Also sounds like Steve fucking Rogers, Captain Goddamn America. Except that most refugees were part of a community of other people who were going through the same thing. Steve is all alone, the last damn unicorn, if the last unicorn had horrible screaming nightmares about the time when it helped to liberate Buchenwald.

Usually this explanation yields a "huh." People don't want Sad Refugee Steve: they want Captain America, Indestructible Defender of Freedom. But that doesn't mean that Sam isn't right, because he is right, goddamnit. So yeah, Sam's a little protective of Steve. And if the last unicorn finds out that its best damn unicorn friend in the whole world is actually alive, then damn straight, Sam's heading out with a tranq gun and bringing that damn unicorn in and starting a goddamn unicorn wildlife refuge in his backyard. Or something like that: at a certain point the metaphor kind of gets away from him.

Til The End of the Timeline

I’ve recced this so many times you’ve probably all gotten sick of hearing about it, but it’s an invaluable goddamn resource and you should all check it out. 

A Shit Ton of Metas and Blogs, some of which are tagged with THYP Research but especially @steve-rogers-new-york and @hansbekhart‘s How To Brooklyn and @historicallyaccuratesteve

and last but certainly not least

LITERALLY EVERYTHING @quietnighty READS HOLY SHIT

If you’re looking for a common thread through all the above recs, it’s that almost all of them have podfics, and the vast majority of those podfics are by Quietnight. I am, and always have been, an audio learner. I read my writing aloud when I’m editing, I listen to audiobooks when I’m commuting, and when I’m cleaning, and when I’m playing computer games, because I like stories, and I especially like listening to stories. Quietnight’s podfics are Of The Highest Quality, and her taste in fic is Impeccable.

hooooly shit this post is long wow okay. I can’t promise I won’t add more to this later, but I’m leaving it for now because goddamn. it’s as complete as I can make it at this time. I’ve added a “THYP Fanfic Bibliography” tag in my bookmarks, and incidentally I really need to make sure I’ve gone through and kudosed all of these because goddamn.

[ramblingsofasoiaf]

Thoughts and Feelings: A Game of Thrones (Prologue)

I made this sideblog so I could basically try to put my thoughts about different chapters of this series together! A Song of Ice and Fire is my favorite fantasy series, and I have a lot of feelings on the matter. I’ve also been hyperfixated on it for, uh... a very long time. I have a processing disorder, which may make this weird to read, but whatever, here we go!!!  

Synopsis:

The prologue is told from the point of view of Will, a ranger in the Night’s Watch. He had previously been a poacher from around Seagard in the Riverlands, before being arrested and sent north. We start with Will observing a disagreement between his two comrades, Gared, a veteran ranger, and a high-born newcomer, Ser Waymar Royce. Will had apparently found some wildlings they’d been tracking, and says they’re dead. Gared and Will are both afraid in the wilderness for reasons unknown to them and want to return to the Wall, but Waymar insists on investigating the bodies (belittling both of his comrades while doing so, because he’s 18 and kind of a tit). When Gared insists the cold killed the wildlings, Waymar shows that he’s not all talk and points out that it isn’t nearly cold enough to kill all those people. Waymar wins and they head off. Gared is eventually left behind to guard the horses, and Waymar insists he light no fire, which pisses Gared off big time. Once Will and Waymar get to where he found the bodies, Will is dismayed to find the bodies have all disappeared. He’s ordered to climb a nearby sentinel tree (which I assume is a type of evergreen) to see if he can spot where they went, and that’s when the uneasy atmosphere pays off. Below, Will sees an otherworldly creature approach Waymar, followed by others of its kind. Waymar fights this Other, but its iciness causes Waymar’s sword to shatter, and the young man is killed. It seems as if Will will escape to warn his brethren about this threat, but before he can leave, he is attacked and presumably strangled by a suddenly undead Ser Waymar.

Notes:

-Will is a poacher from the Riverlands, age unknown. Arrested and sent to the Wall after poaching near Seagard by House Mallister. He’s been with the Watch for 4 years.

-They’ve been tracking raiders for 9 days through the haunted forest, heading northwest. Will and Gared have been feeling unusually uneasy.  

-Gared is roughly in his 50s, and has been with the Night’s Watch for about 40 years. He’s lost his ears, a pinky finger, and three toes to frostbite over those years.

-Ser Waymar Royce is the youngest son of Lord Royce from the Vale. He’s been with the Night’s Watch for less than 6 months, but has been given command of this ranging because he’s high-born. He’s 18, very proud, kind of a dick, but also smarter and braver than he seems.

-GRRM first shows his penchant for describing clothing in meticulous detail. I love it. Waymar be stylin’.

-Gared tries to insist that the wildlings were killed by the cold, but Waymar points out that a bunch of grown adults, with shelter and the means to make fire, aren’t going to die of cold when it’s still warm enough for the Wall to be melting.

-Waymar’s big war horse and fine cloak are absolutely not right for a ranging. I assume Waymar would have learned eventually, like all highborn have to on the Wall.

-Gared is left behind before they reach the bodies, so someone can watch the horses. He and Will are both REALLY uneasy now, and Gared wants to light a fire, but Waymar is insistent that they not do that.

-When they get there, the bodies are gone. Waymar’s pretty pissed, but Will notices that the wildlings left a valuable axe behind. He thinks something is very wrong here, but Waymar orders him to climb a nearby fir tree to find the wildlings.

-While up there, Will and Waymar both notice it gets really fuckin’ cold all of a sudden. Then the first Other emerges. It’s wearing beautiful, camouflaged armor, and its sword looks like it’s made of crystal.

-Five more Others emerge from the trees, but don’t interfere as Waymar shows great bravery in fighting the first one. He fights well, but the Other’s iciness freezes Waymar’s sword and causes it to shatter. The poor kid is then butchered by the six monsters.

-Will keeps hiding in the tree until they leave, and then climbs down. He figures if he takes the frozen sword to his commanders at the Wall, they’ll know what’s going on. Waymar comes back as a wight before he can leave, though, and wraps his hands around Will’s throat. It is assumed Will dies here, and the chapter ends.

Thoughts:

GRRM is so goddamn good at atmosphere. I think it’s his strongest point. When he wants to write horror, he does. The haunted forest feels genuinely unnerving, and it’s easy to see why Gared and Will are freaked out. I have to wonder if Waymar didn’t feel it too, and was just putting on a brave face.

We’re already given a pretty good idea about the setting, with its years long seasons. Important characters like Lord-Commander Mormont, Maester Aemon, and King Robert all get mentions, as do families like House Royce and House Mallister. The Night’s Watch is set up as an organization guarding the northern border of the Seven Kingdoms from the so-called wildlings beyond, and we’re told of the massive ice wall that helps them guard it. Will’s position as a former poacher gives us a hint to the Watch’s currently state as a glorified penal colony.  

It also becomes apparent immediately that, despite other characters later trying to tell us that everyone in the Night’s Watch gets what they earn, this isn’t the case. Waymar is only 18, and brand new to the Watch, and yet has been given command just because of his high birth. One would think the very experienced Gared would be better suited for that.

Waymar’s a real dick, but honestly, most 18 year olds are dicks. Wealthy 18 year olds are even worse. I’d like to think that, if given the time to grow up and gain experience, Waymar would have become a better person. He already showed that he wasn’t stupid, and was brave, which are both good starting points. Even Will feels sorry for him when he dies. He really was just ‘a boy’.

Gared’s insistence on lighting a fire to ward against ‘other things’ in the forest is interesting. Maybe some kind of subconscious memory humanity has, about fire being a weakness of the Others? Given the circumstances, Waymar isn’t exactly wrong about not lighting a fire, though. If you don’t know about the Others, then you don’t want enemies to potentially spot you.  

The Others seem to cause the area around them to become really cold when they arrive. Either that, or they show up WITH the random bouts of cold. Probably the former.

Their armor changes color, depending on where they are, so they can blend in with shadows, foliage, and snow. That sounds really pretty. The armor’s probably made out of magical ice, like the rest of them. Their crystal swords are neat.

The Others speak their own language, which sounds like ‘the cracking of ice on a winter lake’ and their laughter is ‘sharp as icicles’.

From how they’re described, I picture them as humans made from cold itself. The way GRRM has described them is a lot like the Unseelie Court. They sound terrifying, but also strangely beautiful. And they seem to hate humans, since they laugh as they butcher Waymar.

I noticed that the Other briefly stops when Waymar draws his sword. Was it checking to make sure the sword wasn’t Valyrian steel or dragonglass? I can’t imagine regular metals scare them at all.

Will feels conflicted about not calling out to warn Waymar about the Others, but also knows that if he did that, they would know where he was. It’s a real moral dilemma, the kind where you can’t really know what you would do, unless you found yourself in that same situation.

And then there’s the sudden introduction of the wights. If this was a movie (or a better TV show), you know the audience would jump when Will looks up to see dead!Waymar standing there. RIP Will and Waymar. We hardly knew ye. And the Seven Kingdoms have no idea what’s coming for them.

Gared’s fate will be learned later.  

[eclipsehotline]

back by no demand whatsoever, oc4 and their phones (ans a bit of their relationships with social media)

giriko: an older (not completely ancient though - richard likes getting himself new phones every 2-3 years, and giriko gets the previous ones as hand-me-downs) android phone with no case and a couple of cracks on the screen. the lock code is the date when he and jack got together, and the lock screen is a picture of them taken by lola when they were on vacation together. the contents are One Big Mess - photos and memes from wherever are all thrown into one big pile, mp3s from jack's music library with meticulously put in metadata are mixed in with files like linkin_park_-_numb.mp3, and half of the phone's memory is occupied by games. giriko's not much for social apps and networks - he only uses discord bc the rest of his friends do (and walked him through setting it up), youtube and reddit (both as a passive lurker).

jack: a goddamn shovel of a phone in a pretty audio cassette themed case. surprisingly, no cracks on the screen, even though jack's dropped it a couple of times. no lock code either - he got really tired of inputting it over and over and turned it off altogether. jack's pretty passionate abt customization and changes lock screens and icon themes every couple of days, with his lock screens varying from potato quality memes from their group chat to pretty artworks and pictures of his loved ones. the pictures of loved ones also come in handy for the contact list (and every one of them has a handpicked jack-assigned emoji added to the name). most of the phone memory is, unsurprisingly, occupied by music - his music library is a Library with a capital L (i mean, it's jack), with playlists for every mood and occasion. when it comes to social media, jack probably has an account on every website ever, but his most often used trio is discord-youtube-twitter. side note: jack actually has his own growing yt channel he invests time and effort in. it started as a way of having fun and record silly videos with friends, and then jack saw it as a promising place to feature their band and music.

lafayette: one of the latest iphones (duh) in an abstract design case with no cracks on the screen (for now) (and because he got a replacement not too long ago). lafayette comes up with new elaborate lock codes every couple of weeks, and then writes them down in a notebook at home in case he forgets the current one - it's happened before and almost cost him another trip to the repair place. his lock screens are usually something Aesthetique with a dash of homoerotic, and the phone contents are surprisingly well-organized (especially the music library) - lafayette often goes through his stuff and purges pictures of people he no longer talks to or the music he's grown tired of. in terms of social media he's most active on tumblr (and has an alive and kicking nsfw sideblog. female presenting nipple ban who? you can even find a couple of his own nudes if you search well enough) and twitter (he used to have a pretty active account over there, but then deleted it and now only uses a locked priv which only a few of his friends have access to).

sixten: nokia 3310... just kidding. he got himself the cheapest android phone he could find just to be able to listen to music, and his entire phone memory is filled to the brim with illegally downloaded mp3s. doesn't bother customizing it in the slightest - only changed the default phone wallpaper after a couple of months of jokes and peer pressure from his band mates. there are no cracks on the screen either - sixten is pretty careful with all of his belongings, especially the expensive ones. he also considers social media a waste of time, so the only way of reaching him is sending a text like you're still living in the early 00s.

[neomacaught]

on blog playlist.

   I feel like I talk about them a lot, but I put a lot of time, thought, and energy into my blog playlists -- purely for my own enjoyment! I like them being there, I like listening to them. Music is important to me, and giving my kids “OfficialTM” music is just... fun. The overall feel and all lyrics of the song must be perfectly accurate to the character to be included. ( Therefore, there’s usually a lot of other music that’s on the cusp that’s denied entry, so to speak. )

   Neoma’s blog playlist, in particular, is not meant to be listened to as a chronological story, but is more arranged in tonality. However, it can sort of double as a chronology, and starts immediately after her family dies. Most of the playlist includes stringed instruments, a heavy bass, and a good beat. There is one fully instrumental piece. 

CROSSFIRE by Stephen “I hope you’ve got some beds around, ‘Cause you’re the only refuge now, For every mother, every child, every brother, that’s caught in the crossfire.” 

   Back when Neoma was a fully aesthetic sideblog, I came across this song. I immediately used this song as inspiration for the blog theme and title, and that’s carried over here! The words faintly discernible in my graphic on my hover are the lyrics to this song. In general, it captures her spirit because in many ways, Neoma, too, has been caught in the crossfire -- of the politics in Skyrim, of decisions other people in her tribe made and included her in. Honestly, this song actually began helping me iron out her character. So obviously it had to be included first. 

You Are a Memory by Message to Bears “I woke underneath the trees, for the first time.” 

   The mostly instrumental beginning to this song always hooked me. And all of the lyrics are fantastic. Neoma, living on an active volcano her entire life, woke underneath the trees for the first time? Thank you, perfect. Neoma, calling for the last time for Alteroth, her children? Mmmmm. Speaking of mmmm... 

Retrograde by James Blake “Suddenly I’m hit! Is this the darkness of the dawn? I know friends are gone I know friends won’t come So show me where you fit.” 

   I’ve always referred to this as the quintessential “alone” song. I’ve put it on other playlists, on other blogs. And since Neoma’s about as long as alone gets... it’s... perfect. No matter how many people she’s with, she’s still alone! Ha! Ha,

The Way by Zack Hempsey “This is not the right way.” 

   Another primarily instrumental song that tapers off into very apt lyrics. A lot of this song is focused on how other people are praising you for accolades that you feel like you don’t fully deserve / you didn’t even want in the first place and for choices you don’t feel like were the right ones, and doing the right thing even though others don’t understand why, which resonates... yikes... very deeply with Neoma. It has a lot of feeling out of place and confused with how everyone else sees this world and why everyone else does what they do vibes. 

Gold by Imagine Dragons “I’m dying to feel again Oh, anything at all But oh, I feel nothing, Nothing, Nothing, Nothing!”

If we’re going in chronological order, this song would come after she’s amassed some wealth and prosperity in Skyrim. It’s more metaphorical than literal. Obviously, she doesn’t literally have a Midas touch, but she went from poverty and having a loving family to having everything materialistic she could ever want within her grasp but nothing she truly cared about. Y’know. Like Midas. It’s -- it’s another layer.  

Human by Rag’n’Bone Man “‘Cause I’m no prophet or messiah You should go lookin’ somewhere higher! I’m only human, after all I’m only human, after all Don’t put the blame on me Don’t put the blame on me I’m only human, I do what I can I’m just a man, I do what I can Don’t put the blame on me Don’t put your blame on me.”

   I could marry the bass player in this song. Anyway, uh! This song is one of two on here called Human, as humorous as it is because she’s... not a human. Anyway! It’s a very Neoma song because she spends a lot of time taking care of others and trying to protect them, and they often blame her for what goes on around around them anyway. They treat her like a god when she’s just... a woman. 

Spanish Sahara by Foals “Though I’ll find you in the sand, Wipe you clean with dirty hands So, goddamn this boiling space It’s the Spanish Sahara,  The place that you’d wanna,  Leave the horror here  Forget the horror here  Forget the horror here Leave it all down here.”��

   This song had to be added -- and, chronologically, would be her starting to remember the death of her family on the volcano, e.g. the lines I pulled -- because it’s the song I always equated to my Mabinogi verse. This song also happens to be the inspiration for multiple verse tags. It’s all about attempting to forget a horror of horrors that happened. 

Gerudo Desert from Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess’ Twilight Symphony album 

   Our only instrumental song, Gerudo Desert has a feel that reminds me a lot of Neoma’s home and upbringing intertwined with a reorchestration that feels very Skyrim to me. 

Uncle Mountain by The Fire Theft “Rhythm of mind, don’t wanna spend my time Being afraid of dying I really wanna do good Drown in a world of pity and sorrow  Been immersed within the light What was I looking to find?  Run along, to the sea I want love, if love wants me  I want God, if God wants me! Just can’t hold on To what I believe...”

   God, I’ve always loved this song so much. It’s so beautiful and so deeply meaningful. Chronologically, this is around where Neoma starts breaking and thinking back to her lost family, which is why the next few songs become more about her desperate need ( ha, ha ) for them to return. She’s done all this good and still hasn’t found anything good by doing any of it. She’s trying her best and still getting nothing in return. She just can’t hold on to what she believes. So... 

Need by Hana Pestle “Etch this into my brain for me Tell me how it’s supposed to be Where everything will go and how I’ll be without you by my side My hand searches for your hand  In a dark room  I can’t find you  Help me  Are you looking for me?” 

   ... She starts thinking about Alteroth and the girls again. She needs them back. She can’t find them in her prayers, can’t sense their spirits with her ancestors. They need to be there. Why aren’t they there? Why won’t they help her? Are they lost? Are they looking for her, like she’s looking for them? Tonally, this song marks the beginning of the rest of the songs -- a bit sadder, a bit bluer, until the very end. 

All the King’s Horses by Karmina “I knock the ice from my bones Try not to feel the cold Caught in the thought of that time, When everything was fine Everything was mine Everything was fine Everything was mine.”

   This was the second song I ever heard that made me go, Wow, Hi Neoma. Skyrim is freezing, and as she sits in the freezing cold, she’s thinking about the time when everything was hers -- when she had all of her family. And no matter how long she’s here, with these people, and how esteemed she is, no one can help her. Maybe she lives here, but is it really a home if she’s all alone? She starts finding her strength again. There is a reason she’s still standing, right? There has to be.

HUMAN by Krewella “The weight of the world is pulling me down (Where are you now? Where are you now?) Every breath feels like I’m gonna drown (Where are you now? Where are you now?) And I’m the only one left alone on this earth  (Alone on this Earth) Singing this song but can’t find the words  ’Cause I could use a hand sometimes Yeah, I could use a hand sometimes They say, ‘Pain is an illusion This is just a bruise and you are just confused’ But I am only human I could use a hand sometimes I am only human.”

   The second Human song on our list. She feels so alone, and it’s hard to breathe, and no one’s ever there for her... you know? She could use a hand sometimes. And maybe... she should start seeking them out again. 

Live Long Enough to Become the Hero by NateWantstoBattle “I’m down, but you know I’m not out I got another around round (Another round) Second wind and it’s picking me up right off the ground I’m coming back again -- can’t break me! I’m not giving up! I gotta prove them wrong Take your time, ‘cause I’m not taking mine, I gotta stand up strong!”

   Ah, there she is. That bitter defiance wakes her up. It hurts, and everything sucks, but she’s got to prove them wrong. She’s going to protect this world, even if everyone she cares about is gone. She can’t stop, even if she wants to. This hard rock infused with some violin action is perfect for Neoma. 

Unbreakable by Fireflight “God, I want to dream again, Take me where I’ve never been I wanna go there, this time I’m not scared Now I am unbreakable, It’s unmistakable No one can touch me Nothing can stop me!”

   And now she’s not just fighting because she feels like she has to -- she’s fighting because she can. She’s not scared. She’s back in control. She’s doing what’s right. Again hard rock and violin, fantastic. 

   And that’s a wrap! 

[the-iceni-bitch]

Through Every Forest

Chapter II/V: Behave

Pairing: dark!Alpha Curtis Everett x fem!Omega reader

Words: ~4.8k

Summary: Curtis helps you get adjusted to your new life.

Warnings: explicit language, explicit sexual content (mentions of oral sex, rough sex, rough fingering, penetration with a foreign object, degradation, humiliation, kind of objectification, pussy spanking, pet play adjacent if you squint really hard, manhandling, slapping, chase kink, non-con, dub-con), mentions of drugs, threats of forced feeding, A/B/O dynamics, violence, kidnapping, THIS IS A DARK SERIES!!! SMUT!! 18+ ONLY

A/N: Curtis is such a bastard in this, you guys!! We find out more about him and our feisty Omega this chapter, and maybe get some hints about the possibility of her breaking for Curtis…

I am no longer doing taglists so if you want to stay up to date on all the latest filth, follow my sideblog @the-iceni-library and turn on notifications!

“How the fuck could you not know?” Curtis was snarling at Bryce while they sped through the forest on the ATVs, shouting at him over the roar of the engines as they grew closer to where the floodlights were illuminating the singular tree.

“The dumbass who sold her didn’t mention anything about it.” Bryce’s jaw was clenched as he tolerated the abuse that Curtis was flinging at him, hating being the focus of the other man’s ire. “And she bent to commands all day.”

“So she’s fucking smarter than all of you.” This was ridiculous, goddamn morons who worked for him outsmarted by an Omega in less than 24 hours. “Do you know how much money tonight is gonna cost me? Roberts’ company has been bringing in over 2 million a year for us for their retreats and because of your fuck up he almost died. I’m gonna have to let that meathead fuck me so he doesn’t pull his business and report us like he’s threatening to. Or maybe I’ll just let him fuck you, idiot.”

You didn’t know how long you’d been clinging to the tree, but it must have been hours, the lights that they’d set up showing the ridiculous number of Alphas that were milling around the trunk. Almost every single new one that showed up had tried to command you down, to no avail, and they seemed to get angrier each time it didn’t work. Maybe you should’ve come down, it’s not like there was any way you would be able to make a run for it now, but you also had no idea what was waiting for you once your feet touched the earth, since they all seemed so furious. So waiting until you were able to get some assurances about your safety seemed like a good bet.

Something smacked into the bark near your face and you yelped, cursing when you saw it was some sort of dart before keening and screwing your eyes closed when another one whizzed past your head.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” That voice was new, deeper than anything you’d ever heard and making you shiver when you pried your eyes open. “You gonna catch her if she falls or you just trying to kill one of my investments? Gimme that!”

You spotted the Alpha that had greeted you when you woke up first, but then your eyes were drawn to the largest Alpha you’d seen in your life. He was screaming obscenities at the Alphas who had been staring at you for hours, making them all look thoroughly cowed before he finally turned his attention to you. So, this was definitely the man in charge.

“Hi there, sweetheart.” You could tell he was trying to make his voice a soothing rumble, but you just rolled your eyes at him. “You’ve been up there for quite a while, planning on coming down anytime soon?”

“Don’t see why I would.” You adjusted your position and stretched your ankle as best you could when it started to ache again, staring down at him and squinting as you tried to get a read on his facial expression. “Your boys aren’t too happy with me, I don’t exactly trust them to not take out their anger.”

“Yeah, well they get all put out when they’re surprised, and you’re very surprising.” It seemed like he might have been smiling, but you were too far up to tell. “I’m guessing if I commanded you down it wouldn’t work?”

“You’re welcome to try.” You could finally feel your adrenaline starting to go down and exhaustion setting in.

“Alright. Come down now, Omega.” Fuck, you must have been more tired than you thought, something in your hindbrain tugging at you just a bit until you got yourself back under control, growling when you heard his rich laugh drift up through the trees. “Goddamn, aren’t you interesting. I do need you to come down, though.”

“Why should I?” You didn’t like the fact that you couldn’t get a better read on this dude.

“Huh, Baizen! Bring me a fucking chainsaw!” Shit, this asshole wasn’t playing, you may have overplayed your hand. “This is fun and all, sweetheart, but I have other shit I need to do. You come down on your own before that chainsaw gets here, it’ll be a little easier for you. But I have no problem bringing down this tree with you in it. Probably make you easier to catch during the next hunt if you have a broken leg.”

When he slammed his fist into the tree the whole thing shook, your breath catching while you gripped the branch you were settled on and cursed to yourself. It only took you a second to make your decision, huffing out a frustrated breath before starting to make your way towards the ground. You were just going to have to start biding your time again.

Your tongue felt too thick for your mouth when your feet were on solid earth again and you could finally take in the Alpha who was in charge. He was even bigger up close, towering over you once he stood in front of you with his arms crossed over his broad chest as he gave you a curious look. There was no way you’d be able to overpower him even if you caught him off guard, you didn’t even think you could reach his head.

“That’s a good girl, you’re driving back with me.” Curtis ignored your frown and grabbed your arm, pulling you towards his ATV and gripping your chin so he could look you in the eyes before sitting you in front of him. “Are you going to behave?”

“Yes.” Your scowl grew deeper when he just chuckled at the petulance in your voice, letting him cage you in with his enormous body before he started to pull out. “I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what’s going on.”

“Have you not figured it out? I thought you were a clever thing.” Curtis couldn’t keep himself from inhaling your scent in when the wind blew it back into his face, juniper berries and eucalyptus and freshly fallen snow, it was the most refreshing scent he’d ever breathed from an Omega. “You know it’s a hunt, I’m not gonna tell you where you are, so don’t bother asking.”

“Fine.” You huddled in on yourself to keep from leaning back against his chest, wishing he could see the displeasure on your face.

You didn’t know how you should feel that he wasn’t bothering to hide the way back to the compound from you, trying not to balk when he parked the ATV and started dragging you inside. It was so much bigger than you thought it was going to be, making you very worried about the size of this operation and your ability to escape. Plus, there was the way this man was currently almost pulling you off your feet seemingly without even realizing it.

“Why don’t you just let me go?” You winced when he just snorted at you, trying to wriggle out of his grip when he reached the door that must be to your room and started punching in the code. “I won’t tell, no one would believe me, anyway. I’m not gonna make you any money, who would want an Omega won’t do what they say?”

“Oh sweetheart, that would be a horrible business decision.” He got the door open and shoved you onto the bed, coming to stand in front of you and making the room seem even smaller once he shut the door behind him. “You are underestimating the value people, especially rich bastards, place on rarity. And you are incredibly rare. Both your parents were Alphas, right?”

“Yes.” Shit, this was not going to be good for you.

“That’s what I thought. Mine were too.” Well that explained… everything about him. No wonder he was huge. “But you’ve got that nifty little mutation that makes you immune to commands, and I gotta be honest, honey, that’s just gonna make them want to break you even more. And pay me a shitload of money for the privilege of trying.”

“No, they don’t want me.” You felt yourself starting to get angry when he just snorted and rolled his eyes at you, your fists clenching at your sides while the urge to fight rose in you. “I’ll kill any of them who try to bond me, what about your money then?”

“You’ll try to buck them off, but that’s just gonna make them even more eager, they’re stupid like that.” Curtis’s grin was wicked when you bared your teeth at him, fighting the urge to make you submit himself. “Especially when word gets out about you, those rich idiots are gonna be lining up to get the chance to break you, little filly.”

“Fuck you.” He just laughed harder at you, giving you a mocking pout when he saw the angry tears welling in your eyes. “There’s gonna be people looking for me…”

“Who? That beta whose cock you were sucking on the regular?” The way you cringed at that made him laugh. “Baby, who do you think sold you to us?”

“N-no.” Your shoulders slumped when he just kept nodding at you, the thought that someone might be able to track you down was your last shred of hope. “Mike loves me.”

“Mike loves smack, honey, and he doesn’t have the means to pay for his habit.” God, he wanted to lick the tears that were falling down your cheeks, this was turning into a good day after all. “Owed so much money his only option was making me a beneficiary on his life insurance or giving me an Omega no one would miss, and you were right there and had the added benefit of only ever indulging in oral.”

“Get out.” You cringed when he knelt in front of you and caged you in close, whining when he grabbed your jaw with one massive hand and squished your cheeks between his fingers. “I’m gonna kill every single stupid fratboy Alpha you send after me.”

“Mmm, my stubborn little filly.” He beamed when you hissed at him after he pecked you on the nose, shaking your head demeaningly then lightly slapping your face when he stood up. “You keep that attitude up, honey, every time you get that sass going I just see dollar signs.”

You screamed with frustration and turned to bury your head in the pillow once he was gone, curling your body in on itself as you started sobbing. You could still make it out, you had too, but first you were going to cry yourself to sleep before you tried to work on your plan.

“Why aren’t you taking care of this yourself?” Curtis growled at Bryce as he strode after him down the hall towards your room, more than slightly annoyed that he had been interrupted from lining up an incredible number of whales who wanted to bid on the chance to hunt you down and bond you. “I have shit I need to be doing.”

“She almost took Carter’s eye out last time we tried.” Bryce was already starting to get sick of the shitshow keeping you around was stirring up. “If you would let us sedate her…”

“I don’t want that shit building up in her system and affecting the chase.” He snarled when he got a look at Baizen holding an ice pack to his face, ripping the door open once Bryce put in the code before shooting him another glare over his shoulder. “Bunch of pussies… shit!”

He ducked when a cup sailed past his head then whipped around to face you, shooting out an arm to grab you when you tried to dash past him before lifting you off the ground as you flailed wildly and screamed curses at him. You seemed to grow even more furious when he just laughed at you, managing to drive your knee into his side before he got you pinned to the bed with his knees on your wrists.

“Motherfucker, get off!” You let out a sharp cry when his palm landed harshly on your cheek, snapping your head to the side and making warm pain spread across your skin as he started ignoring you.

“Glad to see you’ve still got that fight in you… hey!” Curtis chuckled when you got an arm free and tried to scratch him, yanking your arm over your head until you screamed in pain as he watched your face, bellowing out the door while you kept bucking underneath him. “Which one of you idiots left the tray in here? Clean up this fucking mess and bring me more food! Jesus, filly, if you’re this wild in the sack I’m gonna end up a billionaire.”

“Fuck you!” You didn’t think he was even putting any effort into keeping you pinned, no sign of strain in his muscles or sweat on his skin as he didn’t even bother looking at you when they brought another tray in. “I have a name, shitbag!”

“Yeah? Well I don’t give a fuck.” He grunted when he moved the arm you’d gotten free to pin under his knee again, grabbing your jaw and yanking it open when he grabbed a spoonful of soup and frowned at you. “I don’t want you inhaling this and getting pneumonia, so you can either chew and swallow like a good girl, or I’ll blend the whole thing up and shove a tube down your throat. I also have zero qualms about breaking any bone in your body that won’t affect your ability to run, so you should keep that in mind.”

“Bastard.” You stilled your movements and glared at him when he held the spoon up to your lips, chewing dutifully when he slammed your mouth closed and kept it shut until you swallowed.

“I know, filly, I’m such a horrible, mean man.” He yanked your jaw open again and shoved in another spoonful as he cooed demeaningly at you. “Feeding you and clothing you. Wanting you to be nice and strong so you can outrun those meatheads like you promised me you would. Swallow.” Curtis kept putting spoonful after spoonful into your mouth like you were a fucking toddler, and making insulting little noises every time you got a sullen look on your face. “Plus, we’ve got a pool going now. How many weeks you’re gonna last before some jacked up finance bro manages to take you down. All these idiots seem to think it’s two max, but I think you can go all the way, filly. Look at that, all done! What a good girl you are.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You hated him, hated his face and his blue eyes and the way the scent of pine and mountain lakes and bonfires seemed to completely overwhelm your senses whenever he was around. “I did what you wanted, now leave me alone.”

“Nu-uh, we’re not done yet.” Curtis rolled his eyes when you started trying to writhe out of his grip again once Bryce handed him a pair of soft green panties. “You know the deal, filly, they’ve gotta be able to track you. Shit! Oh you little bitch!” You’d managed to bite him when he took his focus off you for just a second, your look of triumph fading as soon as he dragged both your arms over your head and held them in one giant fist while his other hand yanked your thighs apart so he could kneel on them. “And I was gonna make it nice for you. That was so fucking stupid.”

He ignored your whined protests when he ripped your shift open down the middle, not bothering to send his subordinates out of the room when you were completely bare and spread open as he gave your body an appreciative gaze. You hated that you were wet already, but it wasn’t like you could help it when you were surrounded by Alphas and one of them, the fucking super-Alpha, was forcing you to submit physically.

“Look at that, she-it.” Curtis dragged his thick thumb over your slit and laughed when your body jolted and leaked even more slick all over him, spreading your petals apart so he could see all of you. “That’s a fucking million dollar pussy right there, boys, feel like maybe we should get a before shot. No time for that though, so…”

You were completely unprepared for him to shove the panties inside you, sobbing and shaking and trying to wriggle away as his fingers prodded at your insides viciously until just a small amount of lace was peeking out of your swollen cunt. Then he smacked your pussy and everything went white, a wild shriek ripping from your throat when he kept slapping you right on your already sensitive clit. And it wasn’t like they were those soft, teasing smacks that could feel kinda nice in the right situation. It was like your pussy had personally offended him in some way, the abuse making an absurd amount of juice gush out of you until it was soaking through the sheets.

“Oh yeah, that’s fucking it, just look at that shit.” Curtis was ignoring how fucking hard your screams and moans were making him, groaning when he brought he brought his hand up to his face to lick some of your slick off his fingers before he started smacking you again. “C’mon, filly, you want me to stop, you have to come. And you’d better fucking beg me for it.”

It was taking all your willpower to not give into him, your teeth grinding together as you screwed your eyes closed and fought against the coil that was winding violently tight in your gut. But then he smacked your tits and then your face without warning, and you could feel your resolve starting to crack.

“Just fucking do it, beg me like a good little bitch, you know you want to.” The timbre of Curtis’s voice dropped until only you could hear him, a sinister grin splitting his face as he gazed down at you and suddenly switched to gently petting your pussy in slow strokes that made you whine. “So stubborn, now you’re my special project, filly, since none of these pussies can handle you. You be good for me now and make it through the night and I promise it’ll go so much easier for you. I’ll come feed you myself, I’ll take you on nice little walks every day so you’re not stuck inside, I’ll come and give you nice warm baths and wash your hair so you always feel pretty and soft. And every week when it’s time for the hunt, I’ll come and treat this little pussy so sweet while you sit in my lap until you cream your panties like my good girl so whichever idiot wins the bid can try to track you and make you his. And all you have to do right now is just beg me.”

“Fuck!” You shrieked when he switched back to slapping your pussy, hissing when you ripped your eyes open and glared at him before they rolled back in your skull while your thighs started trembling. “Please, oh please, god! Make me come, just make me fucking come, I’ll do whatever you want!”

“That’s a good, pretty girl.” Curtis started rubbing your clit in harsh circles and growled when you wailed and your cum squirted out of you in a rush, basking in the sound of every other Alpha in the room rumbling when the scent of your release settled around them like a blissful haze while you kept spasming violently and crying. “Gonna get you a nice big room, my filly needs her own stable.” Your scent got even more intense when he pulled the panties out of you, the fabric completely soaked through and your pussy swollen and warm and absolutely ruined in the most beautiful way. “Can’t believe none of you idiots know how to break a bitch, fucking ridiculous, take these.” He thrust the panties into Bryce’s hand when he walked towards the door, sucking your juice off his fingers and humming to himself as he watched you panting and sagging into your mattress while you gave him a dazed look. “Get her a new shift but keep the mess all over her, it’ll make her easier to track and make those idiots think they have an extra edge. Make sure she has some water too before it’s go time. And move her into the empty room in the lodge, want her close.”

“What if she gets claimed?” Bryce was giving Curtis a wary look as his gaze flicked between him and you, shrugging when the larger Alpha snarled at him.

“By one of these Wall Street jackasses?” Curtis snorted at the thought, you might actually end up killing one of them. “Unlikely. And let’s try breaking out the drones tonight, wanna watch my girl in action.”

“Alright fuckers, that’s enough pregaming, it’s time for the draw!” Curtis managed to keep the grin on his face when the roomful of Alphas started whooping and stripping down to just their jeans or sweatpants, even though he just wanted to roll his eyes at them and their glamour muscles. “We all know what the grand prize is, a chance to break in and claim our little filly who just doesn’t want to wear a saddle. She’s running out there right now with all the rest of them, and she is pissed. Who’s first?”

He leaned on the wall and took a sip of bourbon as he watched one of the Betas they kept on payroll start circulating with the grab bag, his nose twitching as he tried to catch a whiff of your scent each time one of them pulled out a pair of ruined panties. There were laughs and jokes about regret each time they weren’t yours, until finally one of them drew out green lace and they all growled. Holy shit, was your scent strong, even though they had already started to slip from the lighthearted revelry to their tracking stances, as soon as your scent hit them they almost went feral. The blonde who had pulled you had to snap at a few of them who tried to get too close, Curtis glad yours had come towards the end or he might have had a full blown fight on his hands.

As soon as he gave the word they were off like a shot, their howls echoing off the sides of the lodge as they disappeared into the thick woods. Curtis sank into one of the lounges in front of the wall of monitors with his bourbon, his eyes raking over the screens that were relaying the footage from the drones until he finally found you.

He barely registered the other Omegas getting brought down and claimed one by one, his eyes glued to you as you crouched in the small blind you’d managed to construct for yourself and kept absolutely still. You really were a clever girl, staying in one place and keeping from leaving a trail for the dumbass who won out to track you. If no one managed to stumble on you, you could probably last the whole night without even breaking a sweat. Damn if none of these bastards deserved you.

The twats who managed to track their quarry and get their dicks wet started filtering back to the lodge, all of them looking incredibly pleased with themselves as they kept groping the sobbing Omegas they’d dragged back with them. None of those whiny things were going home with a mate tonight, New York assholes just wanted a fun bro weekend before they went back to their bachelor pads, jackasses. Curtis hated that he had to cater to the noncommittal bastards, but that was the business, even if he thoroughly believed once you bonded an Omega they were yours for life.

He was ignoring them now though, tuning out their celebratory whoops and the clanking of glasses while he leaned forward a little in his seat when he saw the blonde bitch who pulled you had managed to stumble into the quadrant you were holed up in. Everyone quieted down when they saw you stiffen on the screen, and Curtis knew you must have caught the idiot’s scent.

“Looks like you’re gonna lose your bet already, boss.” Bryce sure hoped so, he was already sick of dealing with you. “Don’t think she can outrun him.”

“We’ll see.” Curtis rested his elbows on his knees and dragged his teeth over his bottom lip. “Wanna double down?”

He snorted when Bryce just gave him a nod and a wicked grin, moving his eyes back to the screen and smiling to himself when he saw you straighten up as you tried to gauge the Alpha’s location. Then you bolted suddenly, the Alpha dashing across the screen just seconds after you and making Curtis hold his breath.

You were fucking quick, he had to give that to you, and you seemed to have a better read on your surroundings this time, changing direction on a dime instead of booking it int a straight line. But he was still gaining on you, getting closer and closer and Curtis sure hoped you were prepared to fight the bastard off.

He was within maybe thirty feet of you when you turned again, this time charging straight at him and making him fall back on his heels. Curtis grinned when you ducked to pick something off the forest floor, everyone in the room groaning sympathetically when you cracked whatever it was against the Alpha’s head and then jabbed it into his stomach.

“Pay me my fucking money, Langley!” He couldn’t get enough of the sour look on the other men’s face when he slapped the bills into his open palm, giving him a pleased smirk before turning back to watch you stand over the collapsed Alpha for a beat then taking off again. “Get the medics to go pick him up. I’m gonna get the ATV, looks like she’s trying to make it to the road again.”

You heard the ATV engine after you’d been running for fifteen minutes, your breath burning your lungs and your muscles screaming as you kept sprinting desperately. Then he pulled in front of you suddenly and you almost ran right into the vehicle, letting out a defeated sob and collapsing when he just gave you that grin that made you want to spit in his eye.

“There’s my good girl.” He knelt in front of you as you kept crying, tutting when you hissed at him when he tried to grip your chin and force you to meet his gaze. “Don’t be like that, filly. C’mon, lemme get a good look at you to make sure you’re not too banged up. Sure you’re not gonna be happy to hear your didn’t kill the dumb bastard that was chasing you.”

“I missed his organs?” You groaned when he nodded at you while he picked up your feet one by one to see how bad they were scraped up, cursing yourself for not taking more care to watch where you had stabbed the branch into him. “Fuck.”

“I know, so disappointing, he’s just gonna need some stitches. Hands.” Curtis clenched his jaw when you made like you were going to fight him, giving you a look that made you sigh before you placed your hand in his with a sullen pout. “Just some scratches. I’ll check under your shift for bruises when we’re back at the lodge.”

“No… shit, let go of me!” You tried to squirm out of his grip when he scooped you off the ground like it was nothing, hating that he could just make you do whatever he wanted without even breaking a sweat.

“Quit being a cunt.” He laughed when he felt you flinch as he curled his body around yours once he’d seated you on the ATV, squeezing your thighs with his as he pulled out. “We’ll see if you’re still this stubborn once I get you out of this dirty thing and give you a nice bath, filly. You manage to be a little sweet and maybe I’ll help you out with the sloppy pussy situation you’ve got going on so you can sleep better. I think you’re gonna enjoy us being neighbors.”

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

[asreoninfusion]

ALL THAT IS IS SO FRICKEN CUTE I LOVE IT. TELL ME MORE!! :D I WANT TO HAVE A FULL REPORT! XDD!!

Ahahahaha, okay. I’ll do one big explanation of everything that went down for you guys (as much as I can, I tried explaining it to my mum and she was very confused) and then I think it’ll be time for me to call it a day and stop harping on about the show stuff in general. ^^;; 

I do apologise for this slight deviation in content, we’ll be returning to your regularly scheduled FFVII blogging shortly. And I’ll keep all the youtube-related stuff on the sideblog I created just for that purpose, I don’t know why I’m so bad at keeping things where they’re meant to be.

Also this will probably get super long, so under the cut we go. (Also beware spoilers for the Markiplier show!!! If anyone’s worried about that.)

Hoo boy. Okay. Where do we start, howmuch detail do you want? xD Are we talking just the going on stage part all thewhole evening?

(I’m going to go for mainly just the on stage part because I’ve left it very late alreadyfor answering this and I need to sleep. >>)

But!! The day was pretty hectic cause Ihad 9am to 2pm straight lectures and labs, and then took a taxi straight to thestation and left for Nottingham then, which meant I had to do my lab in mypoofy dress. xD So that was amusing to start with.

Got to Nottingham, checked into my hotel(such a sweet glory to have a proper hotel room all to myself compared to thehostel I had for Manchester, aaahh), then went pretty much straight to thevenue from there after dumping all my stuff.

I was weak and bought too much merch. I’dalready bought one of the beanies in London, so I thought this time I’d justbuy a sticker set and some badges, that’s pretty cheap right? Well, yes. Thosewere. Until I stood in the queue for too long looking at the merch and beingmore and more tempted by one of the hoodies. I didn’t buy it originally, butthen I gave in and went back for it because I have no self-control lol.

There was the VIP section! Mark’s beenill for like, most of the tour thus far, and for a while his voice was totallygone. Poor dude. Normally he sings in the VIP section, and he did most of hissongs for the Nottingham one. I posted a video of a section of one!! There wereone or two songs he didn’t do because his range wasn’t back up to 100% justyet, but that just meant we got a bit longer for Q&A stuff.

(Uuugh every time I see how far he’s comemusically it reminds me how much I love singing to myself and writing dumbsongs and I want to do things too. ;^; It was a fit of inspiration afterwatching Mark before that led to me buying my whole mic set up I have.)

So then there’s a break between the VIPpre-show and the main show while everyone else comes in and I hung aroundsinging obnoxiously to myself the whole time because Mark put in the mood forsinging oops.

Then the main show!! The way the show is structured is that it’sthe same games and stuff each time, but there’s three different themes thatthey can go with for the show, and the theme is determined at the start. Themethod of determination is that there’s cases you have to pick from, kind of like a deal or nodeal style. Mark and Bob chose a case each (marking their choices with a redor green sticky respectively), and then the audience had to decide who theyagree with via the application of these coloured paddles they give out wheneveryone’s entering the theatre; hold up the colour you want to vote for. Butthe boys are cheaty mc cheatfaces and will never go with what the audiencewants. xD They have to pick one person out of the audience to make the finaldecision. (That was me!!!)

Also the final decision is made by stabbingthe holder of the case you don’t want with a foam sword.

(We got the horror theme for theNottingham show. :D)

I chose Bob’s box and didn’t stab Tyler,so I got to sneak in a hug from him for that. x3 But I also got put in thepunishment corner for not listening to Mark (not complaining 👀). Regardless of the decision, the gag is that Bob decides totry and take over the show anyway by kidnapping Tyler. Ethan and Wade came inas the inept henchmen dressed in ridiculous costumes, and then it was Mark andI, armed with swords, against the others in a stupid slowmo staged sword fightand honestly idek it was the most fucking surreal thing I’ve ever done in my life.

(I found this photo on Twitter!! Creditto Craig Frewey for it.)

So that was how I ended up having a veryone-sided swordfight with a shark??? xD

Man, I hope there’s video of this becauseit’s REALLY HARD TO EXPLAIN WTF WAS EVEN HAPPENING.

Anyway, I rescued Tyler! But while I wasbusy slaying the shark and stealing the golden key of rescue, Bob went and tookMark hostage instead and then I had to choose between saving Tyler or savingMark. Like goddamn, stop giving me so many impossible choices. D:

I may have eeny meeny miny mo’d it.

(But tbh I did kind of want to save Markmore anyway I’m so sorry Tyler but if I had to pick a favourite…… anyway, Iscrewed Mark over earlier not choosing his case, so making it even? xD)

Also look at this fucking pouty babytrying to make me feel bad and convince me to save him.

(Photo from this photoset here, credit to @giggles3475​!)

You deserve only to be saved by atechnicality of eeny meeny miny mo, sir.

Anyway, since I saved Mark, I got to goon a ‘date’ with him; got invited for a candlelit dinner loooool. This is theonly date my aroace ass will accept, I’m good for life now. xD

((One day I want to have thisconversation:Someone: You’ve never had a relationship?You’ve never dated? :0Me: Well there was this one time I had a fakestage date with Markiplier…))

Anywho, the point of that is that it’s anopportunity for Mark to ask a bunch of questions(or Tyler in other cases if the poor sod who gets calledup to take part in this ridiculousness saves Tyler instead), because the next part of the show is that they make an improvisedmusical about that person’s life! ….and I have a fuckin’ weird life.

So Mark started asking me questions aboutwhat I did and stuff, what my poofy dress was all about (‘cause I’d dressed upin my pretty Lolita dress just because why not I never get the chance to dressup), it was all relatively normal at first.

Oh, and Mark asked me if I was seeing theshow with friends or family or anyone; I was just like “nope, I’m here alonelike a sad loser!” and apparently that’s the line that people liked ‘cause I’veseen it quoted somewhere in the tags and in the discord server I’m on inseparate incidences. xD (Mark’s reply was a highly cheerful “alone like a sadloser? Me too!” bless him.)

So it started off normal but then oncethe crocodiles came up… that just got even more surreal, ahahaha. I bet Mark’snever heard that one before. And I did the ‘born in England, moved toAustralia, moved back to England, moved to Australia, back to England again,and then we were in India for a while too…’ spiel that is the quickest way Ican summarise all the back and forth we’ve done. That got brought up in a song.In the most ridiculous way possible fuckin’ honestlyI was just crying over in my corner.

Tiny snippet of that:https://twitter.com/LilyRooney31/status/966821044739854336

And then my poor dear sister, I said shewas my favourite ‘cause she’s cute, she got a skit about her and somehow itended up in a song about pants??? xD Also my mum is apparently now a spy. Thesethings just happen.

There’s a bunch of footage starting fromthe end of the first musical bit and the whole of the second part here: https://www.pscp.tv/w/1djxXdaZXmjxZ

(In the very last few seconds of thatvideo in the side of the screen there’s a me!! I got to hug Mark!!)

I’m slightly worried though that everyonein the audience might think I was bullshitting about a lot of the stuff I said,like I was making stuff up to try and make myself seem cooler?? ‘Cause who the fuckhas crocodiles?? Apart from my freakin’ family. Honestly if I was gonna lie Iwould’ve made it more believable. xD

So, yeah!!! That was what I got to do onstage. I don’t think I embarrassed myself hideously at any point, probably someminor awkwards but I got through it okay. I’m just absolutely fucking kickingmyself now that I had the opportunity rightthere, but I was so worried about not messing it up and like, ‘performing’for the audience that I was hardly paying attention to Mark. There was just. Alot happening. @_@ I feel like I barely even looked him in the eye throughoutit ‘cause I was like what the fuck do I focus on should I try to talk to theaudience so they can see what’s happening? (‘Cause during the sitting downtalking thing if I’d turned to look at Mark properly my back would’ve beentowards the audience, and that seemed rude to them then, so I ended up with akind of sideways thing looking at neither. orz) I feel like I was up there onstage with Mark, but I never talked tohim, if that makes sense?

I really want to find more videos andphotos of my part because it’s still so surreal I’m like wait what did thateven really happen??? I did give my email address to someone who said they hadvideo of the date section so I’m really looking forward to that, and I knowsomeone else has photos, so it should be all good on that front! I needevidence that it wasn’t all just a weird fever dream. I mean. I did have aswordfight with a shark so the fever dream thing is always a possibility.

But anyway. xD That was only the firstpart of the whole show!! I’ve already written and entire damn essay trying toexplain how things went down, so I’m not going to expand on all the otherimprov games they played, but it was a really good time watching the rest of ittoo, and then hanging with people outside, and getting Taco Bell on the wayback to the hotel.

I did not get nearly enough sleep becausehow the heck could I sleep after that I was too pumped, I didn’t fall asleepuntil like three in the morning. And now it’s 1am again ‘cause I spent waaaaaytoo long typing this up, and I reallyneed the sleep, so.

If anyone actually read all that, Isalute you, and also dear god what are you doing with your life.

Lol, but thanks for asking about itAisha! :D

[tiredoftonkies-blog]

The Nuremberg Trials? It was a post on hed//gehog-goulash7's blog questioning whether Buck was faking being brainwashed. If you search for "nazi", they also have lots of posts calling Wanda one. And HydraCap was just fuel for these fucks. I'm livid at Marvel more than any of the stans, believe me. While I'm speechless and nauseated, I do not want to dox them. (their post he // dgehog-goulash7. tumblr. com/ post/ 166653459884 ). I'm distancing myself from almost all of this fandom ;~;.

oh, them again. i remember a while ago i saw some post or another where they said tony was brainwashed by wanda in AoU but then whenever they talked about bucky and brainwashing, they’d always put it in quotation marks, which gives this weird-ass impression where they think tony was truly brainwashed but it’s debatable with bucky, so i am… not terribly surprised here

marvel fucked up very, very badly with hydra!cap, especially considering the political climate in america, and fandom seems so… unfortunately casual with throwing around nazi comparisons and accusations, even in situations where they’re absolutely not appropriate

i’m sorry that post upset you so much, anon. distance is a really, really good thing sometimes. i know how hard it can be to ignore fandom stupidity, the wank is like a trainwreck you can’t look away from… but if it’s having a negative effect on your emotional health, getting away from fandom is really a good option, even if just for a little while. if anyone you follow is contributing, maybe ditch some blogs or blacklist them for a while; i’ve found that with my mcu sideblog, only following a few blogs for fandom content and avoiding looking in tags has made it a much more pleasant experience. and if you need to talk, my ask and chat boxes are always open

anyway, i honestly hadn’t looked at the post until now, and… wow, yikes

(i’m rolling my eyes at how they just had to bring up that steve is apparently responsible for keeping bucky out of the court system now, but i’m also a little surprised they didn’t write about how tony will be the one to get bucky a not guilty verdict, or something)

i suppose that, yes, bucky did technically commit the crimes, because it was his body being used for the assassinations, but we saw pretty clearly that he was being used as a human weapon. “brainwashing”… just, why the quotation marks, why did they have to imply that there’s something questionable about the validity of bucky having been brainwashed, villains literally talk about wiping his mind, why are some tony stans like this, why

bucky was made to commit the crimes; none of his acts as the winter soldier were done of his own free will. there isn’t a comparison to nazi officers that were following orders, and brainwashing… isn’t “just following orders” anyway. it’s a false comparison; the nazis didn’t have their free will stripped from them, not like bucky did. being manipulated by a charismatic cult leader doesn’t equate to what brainwashing is, either

bucky was taken as a prisoner of war, tortured and electrocuted and “wiped” until he was compliant, his memories lost and his body modified without his consent. we were shown quite clearly that when he started to question things, the villains kept him from regaining much of himself. his autonomy was taken from him. he was literally kept frozen when he wasn’t of use to the villains, and all of this went on for 70 years

there just… isn’t a real world comparison. not a good one, anyway. bringing up those trials was pointless because they’re flimsy comparisons; the type of brainwashing that bucky went through is science fiction, not something that we can find and prove in reality, and the mcu is clearly a separate world to our own, filled with sci-fi concepts that are not real. brainwashing is something that can and has happened in the mcu; clint was mind-controlled by loki but doesn’t seem to have been imprisoned for it, so bringing up real world trials that are tangentially related to the sci-fi concept of brainwashing through either people just following the orders of others or being manipulated is… it doesn’t even make sense

and it is really, really gross of them to indirectly compare the situation of a WWII veteran who was a prisoner of war for 70 years, dehumanized, and made into a weapon, to goddamn nazis that actively perpetuated genocide. uuuugh

[scudas-a]

    WHEEZES BECAUSE I AM REUSING MY FUCKIN GRAPHIC FROM MY FOLLOW FOREVER BACK IN AUGUST its just for kicks tbh IM SO LAZY. I AM SO LAZY.     I just wanted to thank you all so much, I honestly believed that I would never get as far as I have on a blog, especially this blog, which I made just for kicks when I was sleeping during they day and active active at night at my friend’s house in Oregon. I expected myself to just give up on this blog after two weeks and go back to my Zim blog, or one of my Rick and Morty ones. But no, this muse persists, people had shown interest in him that I wasn’t used to. He progressively became more fun to write as I developed him more and more from the perverse boy in DR2 that practically survived as a joke. I’ve had this blog for nearly eight months now, and it’s honestly because you all made this blog worthwhile. I enjoy coming on here because all of you guys make it so. Thank you so much. Every single one of you. I am going to miss a lot of people, but here is a small, meaningful follow forever, please don’t be upset if you aren’t on here, it doesn’t mean I love you any less!!

@bestiascuro where do I even start with you? You’re the one who pulled me back into this mess of a fandom, which I hadn’t been active in since 2014, this burning trash heap of a fandom. I have known you longer than most people here, with the exceptions of Kaycie and Sadie. You’re my best friend, my favorite writing partner. I don’t know what I can say here that I haven’t repeated to you hundreds of times over Skype, but every word is genuine. I adore you. Every time I see that you have tagged me in something or messaged me, a smile never fails to cross my face. You’re the best Gundam in this entire fandom. Everyone can fight me on this.

@kamukurx / @fcture ABBY ABBY my sweet darling, you are absolutely amazing at everything you do, and I am honestly SUPER excited for our interactions on Henry. Kazuichi will corrupt him. Regardless, you have been both my favorite Kamukura and Hinata since the day Whitney had introduced me to you, and I cherish you a lot. I am super, super glad that you’re able to open up to me and we can just talk for hours on end. I’m super excited for you to finally have your own house! You’re going to do great. I am so proud of you.

@novoselicnobility Whit, you’re honestly the coolest, ok. Fight me. You put so much effort into Sonia and Sakura, and your writing and headcanons are just flawless. We don’t talk one on one very much?? But we do talk a lot in the GC so I guess that counts!! I enjoy your presence a lot and you deserve the world, let’s be real. Don’t let the world drag you down, you’re above it all, okay? You deserve only happiness. I’ll also forever be apologizing for how terrible Kazuichi is towards Sonia but really, what else can you expect?

@aurousheiress / @crispymura / @hexapodboy  Bon!! Thank you so much for everything you’ve done! I’m so glad that you’ve made the blogs that you’ve had (though I’ve never been a fan of Hiyoko, she is what this fandom truly needed) You have always been super kind to everyone? Which is a trait I envy a lot. You’re so patient and open, and all around just so easy to talk to?? We seriously need to write more, dude.

@rclinquere MY QUEEN HAS RETURNED!! THE ONE HOLDING MY HEART CAPTIVE! Dude I missed you so much, you have no idea. I wasn’t really aware of what was happening (and I’m still not, but I digress) so your departure was rather sudden for me?? I always hoped you’d come back and honestly I’m so happy you have, you’re so sweet and I absolutely adore the relationship between Junko and Kazuichi, who’d of guessed out of all people that they would literally act like siblings? I still have the playlist from the day we met. In hindsight, it’s pretty cringey, especially the title, but it gives me something for me to hold onto and cherish.

@kxaito Peyton!! I can’t believe I was ever shy to approach you back on your Jin blog! I honestly used to be super anxious to talk to you because I thought you were super out of my league and would be disinterested in me?? Obviously that wasn’t the case, considering all the friggin AUs and headcanons we’ve formed together, especially with my Hagakure (who I SERIOUSLY need to use more once I have the time), but also our new middle school verse! I’m super excited for what the future brings for our future threads.

@craniumaniac I’ve known you for like 90 years, of course you’d make it on here, let’s be real. You’ve remained one of my closest friends forever, I mean we haven’t talked nearly as much as we used to, but that doesn’t make a difference to me? You’re incredible, I’ve known you since our days RPing Rick and Morty, and then popped into the IZ fandom together. I still find it absolutely hilarious that it was by coincidence that I found you here, but I’m so glad I have! Aside from occasionally seeing you on Facebook, it was nice to regain that contact we have lost because I never send anyone any goddamn messages on Skype. I know you’re going through a tough time right now, but it’s okay. You’re so strong, dude, you’ll make it through. I am so happy that you’re here.

@bill-rick SADIE, you’re seriously like a sister to me. You’re so funny and smart. I apologize for promising to go back on Zim, but just. Never looking back. Whoops. Whatever, it’s okay to assume that he just ran off because like fuck, man. He’s Zim. He does whatever. But MAN, I don’t even know how long we’ve known each other. Damn well over a year, though. I remember when your Bill was still a sideblog, and for some reason it still gets recommended to me a lot. You’re so fun to write with, and I absolutely love helping you make graphics! (If you ever need any for your Aku blog, just hmu. I am Prepared.) Your writing is so nice to read, it’s so well-composed and I’ve always enjoyed reading the drama between him, ER, and Rocker. Thank you for putting up with my obnoxious ass for so long. <3

    Aaaaahhh, there are so many more people that I want to tag in this, but I fear that it’ll get repetitive and bland, but these people right here are the ones that I have kept closest, I love these people so much and I wouldn’t be who I am today without any of them. Thank you all so much. You make every day so much better.

[femslashrevolution]

"Writing Yourself by Accident" by Recourse

This post is part of Femslash Revolution’s I Am Femslash series, sharing voices of F/F creators from all walks of life. The views represented within are those of the author only.

[TW for dysphoria, depression, mentions of suicide and abuse]

The funny thing about the prompt “I Am Femslash,” to me, is how unnervingly accurate it is.

I started writing femslash around the same time I started taking writing seriously in general. I’d always wanted to be a writer, but found myself having trouble in developing the kind of long-form novels that I’d always wanted to do. As I started to actively work on my writing and putting out my first hundred thousand words or so, I somehow stumbled into writing Fallout: New Vegas fanfiction. I had an idea for my Courier, who she was, what her plans post-game were, who she loved, and was mildly pissed that Cass, the obvious choice for her, wasn’t available. So I started a little something.

I’d always played my main characters in western RPGs as women, and gay women at that. When I first picked up KOTOR, that was really when I should’ve known, as I just…selected the female option, because it felt right. And later I downloaded a mod to make the lady love interest bi.

This trend continued in my New Vegas fic, and this is where you start to see where I actually am my work, even when I didn’t know it at the time. I wrote Courier Six as a woman with deep-seated intimacy issues, who hated what the world had done to her body and despite loving other women found it difficult to make real connections with them because she hated being vulnerable. Funny how all that turned out to be me, too, dealing with dysphoria and self-hatred and the influence of toxic masculinity.

But I didn’t know this, at the time. I didn’t think I was writing me. I was writing a fucked-up woman, an interesting character to me. Definitely not relatable, I’m just a normal straight guy, right?

I was sixteen and in deep denial.

As I moved through high school, and then college, I kept writing femslash in the background. I felt ashamed of it. I didn’t do anything to separate it from my main online identity, but I never talked about it on my Tumblr (which gained a fair amount of popularity for my gifmaking stuff and feminist ranting) and I thought it was somehow a black mark against me. Despite the fact that I didn’t write smut at the time, I still thought somehow I was being that cringe-inducing straight person who writes gay stuff about the opposite gender as a fetish. It was just something I did, almost as a compulsion, when I couldn’t manage to pull together the inspiration to do my original work. It came so easy to me.

It never became terribly popular; partly because I was posting on FF.net instead of AO3, and partly because I almost exclusively wrote for dead fandoms. I didn’t mind. They were things I put out for myself, to excise my own persistent ideas of what should have happened in this, that, or the other thing. I didn’t even realize how I was expressing myself; how writing Commander Shepard as a sixteen-year-old girl convinced she’s ugly and worthless, suffering from mental illness and suicidal thoughts, was actually cathartic for me. To me it was just something I was doing, adding depth to characters who didn’t have it in the base game. The fact that I too felt ugly and had suicidal impulses was just a coincidence.

I also came to find that I just couldn’t write straight romance to save my life. I found it weird and alien, like I just didn’t understand how a man and a woman could even be attracted to each other, despite having a goddamn girlfriend (and a great one at that.) I started writing erotica as an experiment, and couldn’t even fathom writing it for straight characters or couples. It just didn’t interest me, and the idea of doing it actively disgusted me. So femslash it remained, constantly questioned, like I was dirty or disgusting or broken for writing it.

I put out my first public, smutty fic the same year that a friend committed suicide. I threw it up on AO3 under an alternate account, a different persona called Recourse, with no ties to anything beyond AO3. It’s pretty twisted, featuring (surprise!) a main character with deep intimacy issues and a strong dislike of being touched. I wrote this as stemming from trauma, but I already knew I was suffering from massive dysphoria in that area (and my girlfriend had figured it out herself by this point) and I was starting to get why I kept writing people like this. Why all my protagonists had mental scarring and intrusive thoughts and suppressed urges. Why they were all women, and why they all loved women, even if they didn’t want to.

I got closer and closer to working myself into my stories. My first halfway emotional work for Life Is Strange, the fandom I’m now known for, dealt with grief for a lost friend in a way I couldn’t in real life. I still pulled back on that work, though, thinking I needed to please an imaginary audience, not go too dark, not go too deep. They’re here for the smut, right?

It was when I finally threw away my inhibitions that I started to actually understand myself. I wrote a story that was explicitly about mental illness, about fears of abandonment, about suicidal urges. It was called Pedestal. Sure, I included a little smut, but once that work was finished, I realized that all the real attention from people was focused on exactly the stuff I feared would put people off. People connected to Chloe’s depression, her fears and anxieties. They thanked me, wanted to talk to me more.

I put she/her on the profile page.

I set up a blog for that persona. Didn’t post anything, just created it. Then I set to work on something else.

My friends, including my girlfriend, had been subject to massive abuse in 2015 (and before.) I was obsessed with the subject. And I was still grieving, still screwed up about how to grieve for someone I still have very complicated feelings about. So I wrote a story called Little Blue Pills, all about a spiral of self-hate and grief resulting in abuse and a suicide attempt. I tried to cap it off with something hopeful, and the strange response to that ending made me break down publicly on the blog. Writing parts of it had already given me anxiety attacks, and now I was struck with a feeling of imposter’s syndrome, like I shouldn’t have written this, like I should just be dead.

Someone followed me on that blog. I started talking to her. I found out we were both closeted trans women, and through the act of sharing my experiences with her, I started to make them make sense.

And I kept writing, and kept writing, and kept writing. I found more and more friends, more and more people who connected with my work, because I was finally being honest about where it all came from and it shone through clearly in the authenticity of my work. And the more honest with myself I was, the more I wanted to be honest to the world.

I showed my girlfriend the account, the stories I’d written. I admitted that I’d become certain in my identity as a result of them. (Turned out later she’d found my first story a long time ago, but she kept quiet and waited for me to be ready, bless her.) With her following me, and my new circle of friends, I became more and more confident. I lost a bunch of weight. I chose a name. I started laser treatments. I got a prescription for HRT. I came out in November, went full-time, and I’ve never been happier.

Without femslash, without this outlet, I literally wouldn’t be who I am today. I might still be in the closet had I not met the people I have, processed my emotions through this medium. I might be dead. It is through the sapphic community surrounding Life Is Strange that I’ve come into myself. Thank you to all the authors and artists out there who showed me I’m not alone. I am femslash, I am part of this world, and I couldn’t be happier.

  About The Author

I’m Mogatrat, or Recourse, or Gloria, a 23-year-old trans woman from Colorado. I write largely for Life Is Strange, but have dabbled in various other places.

Where to find my writing: http://archiveofourown.org/users/Recourse/works and http://archiveofourown.org/users/Mogatrat/works

Main Public Blog: http://mogatrat.tumblr.com

Unlisted sideblog for LiS and writing: http://recourse-ao3.tumblr.com/