#//So like I was still hopeful but with crippling guilt?

[asahina-mafuyu-official]

//Had a dream where Mafuyu got Akito to jump out a window.

[idkwhatimdoinghere1655]

So Special - Lando Norris

<word count - 5350> |part 1 - Nerd|part 2 - Rumours|

The weekend had gone by, and you and Lando had spent your time doing very different things. He had been productive, spending his two days in the garage with his dad, perfecting your DT project. He couldn't care less that you had told him not to finish it.

He had said he would do it, and now he was damned sure that it would be the best one in the class. Lando and his dad had come up with some genius ideas, even if it was only meant to be a simple little wood-work task. 

It would probably be quite obvious that you hadn't done it in the workshop, but Lando had a feeling that you wouldn't care. Also with the help of his dad, Lando had gotten his homework rattled out within an hour. 

It wasn't quite the same as having you there to help him through it, since your way of teaching him was a lot better than his dad's, but it was better than nothing, that was for sure. 

You, on the other hand, had spent your weekend holed up in your bedroom, not wanting to come out for anyone or anything. Your parents had offered to take you out to any restaurant of your choosing, go somewhere with your friends, anything. 

But, you had declined all of their suggestions. You simply didn't feel like going anywhere. All you could think about was how much you were dreading going to school on Monday, how much you didn't want to see anyone in any of your classes.

It genuinely seemed like your worst nightmare at the moment, but you still had to go in. The minutes ticked by slowly over the weekend, every single one heightening the anxiety of being back in school. 

The most likely scenario was that people would have forgotten it by now and moved onto something else, but the feeling that that wasn't the case was overwhelming, crippling and soul-destroying. 

Even doing your maths homework felt near on impossible. A task that would normally only take you a few minutes took you nearly 2 hours, since trying to work with the numbers made nervousness swirl in your stomach. 

The ever present thought was Lando. If anything, you figured he had it the worst out of all of this. His friends mocked and ridiculed him at any chance they got, he couldn't even get the bus anymore without throwing in the towel and getting off early, and you didn't want to be around him anymore. 

Guilt mixed into the cesspool of emotions that you were feeling, but the pure fear of being in school and getting the mick taken out of you overshadowed that. You just wanted to get your education and run as far away from that damned place as you could. 

Once Monday morning had rolled around, you reluctantly got onto the bus, not wanting to walk in the frosty weather. Lando's mum would've given you a ride, but you didn't want to be seen getting out of his car. Now that would be pure social suicide. 

On the bus, you saw that Lando wasn't there, which made things easier. But, you sure as hell weren't sitting at the back near his friends. You shuffled onto a seat next to some random kids in a year below you, but you'd much rather do that than be subjected to Lando's friends.

School was relatively empty when you got there, most people going to sit in the canteen before the bell went for their first lessons. You made a beeline to the lockers, hoping that no one would be there.

Thankfully, there wasn't a soul in sight as you quickly punched the code into Lando's locker. You knew the code since you'd had to leave his homework in there a few times in the past. You pulled his jumper out of your bag and stuffed it in. On the top, you placed a small note of gratitude, before closing the locker back up and going over to yours to put in some of your textbooks.

To your surprise, your locker wasn't empty like you thought it would be. Inside was a small, plastic bag. Just like you had put on Lando's jumper, whoever had been in your locker had put a note on top of it. 'I promised I'd get this finished, and I am a man of my word'. 

You knew that handwriting off by heart, since it was one you often plagiarised. Opening the bag, you saw your fully finished, absolutely faultless DT woodwork project. You were baffled by how clean the cuts and joints were, and it was surely going to get you the best mark you had ever gotten in DT. 

The first genuine smile that you had cracked in days grew across your face, truly touched by the gesture. You had told him not to bother, that you'd do it yourself, even if you really didn't want to. "I did it right, yeah?" a voice suddenly broke you out of your small bout of happiness.

Lando was leant against his locker, hands in his pockets as he looked at you. His face was tired, it didn't have the life to it as it used to. His eyes were equally as lethargic, no longer holding that cheeky spark that they always had. It was like the colour had dulled out, leaving them more greyed over than blue. 

"Yeah, you did. It's great, thanks," you mustered up a small smile, barely even a fraction of the one you had earlier. For some reason, your brain still couldn't make you look him in the eyes as you talked to him.

"Anytime," he replied, his gaze fixed on your side profile. He was thinking the same about your appearance too, your face had sunken and your eyes weren't as bright as he remembered them being. 

"I don't think anyone's going to say anything, you know..." he mumbled, half hoping you'd heard him, half hoping you hadn't. The words sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince you, since he wanted to believe that they were true. 

He didn't want to see you upset anymore, he didn't want to have to distance himself from you, he didn't want to have to change his entire routine. All he wanted was his life right back to the way it was. 

The life when you two were friends, where he'd get to spend time with you. The life where he got to be Lando Norris, the cocky little shit to the rest of the year, but a softie for you. The life where everything was perfect again. 

"I don't think it's that easy, Lando," you said, your eyes still glued to your feet as you avoided eye contact with him. Even the sound of his name on your lips made his heart flutter uncontrollably. He wanted to hear more of it, he wanted to hear it every goddamn day of his life if you'd let him.

"Please? Can we just... just try to ignore it and still be friends? I just want to be your friend again, I mi-" he started to plead, the desperation evident in his tone. His face fell as he was cut off, knowing that both of you were in deep shit before the day had even started. 

"You what, Lando? Bit of trouble in paradise for our most prolific love birds?" some random guy in your year interrupted him, standing beside Lando. He had never seen fear in a person's features like he did on yours in that very moment.

You didn't think you could handle hearing another word of it, so you dashed past the both of them and down the hall, trying not to let the tears fall down your cheeks. He hadn't even said anything overly hurtful, but the panic of what he could have said had set in.

"Not gonna run after your girlfriend, Lando?" he further teased, and Lando could feel his fists clenching at his sides, his knuckles turning white due to how hard he was holding them. He knew that a comment like that wouldn't have normally set you off, but it just showed how bad the situation had gotten. 

"Go fuck yourself," he spat, walking to the canteen and sitting down on a table away from his friends. They had seen him come in, but he didn't care. They were the last people he wanted to talk to. 

For the first time in his life, he was desperate to get to lessons and have some much wanted distraction from everything that was going on. As soon as the bell had gone, he jumped out of his seat and took the shortest route that he could think of to the science labs for biology. 

Not to his shock, you were already sat in your seat, hunched over your textbook and exercise book. Lando took his seat, a few down from yours on the long, wooden benches. The start of the lesson was silent to begin with, before you were all assigned to do some questions with the people sat around you.

Lando tried to keep focused on the questions, but he couldn't help but hear his own name coming from your side of the table. As he discretely watched from the side, he saw as your head snapped up to the girl next to you. Lilly. 

Goddamnit, of course it had to be Lilly. The one girl who Lando was for sure certain was desperate for him. "Sorry?" you said, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. You hadn't been listening to a word she was saying, so you had to do a double take now that she was suddenly talking about Lando. 

"You spent the weekend with Lando, no? Since he's your boyfriend and all, I assumed what I heard was true," she said, her voice laced with a sickly sweet venom. The jealousy she felt was obvious, and it did give you a slightly masochistic sense of satisfaction. 

"No," you curtly answered with a small shake of the head, before returning to answering the questions by yourself. Lando couldn't see Lilly's face since she was looking at you, with her blinding mop of bleached blonde hair being the only thing he could see. 

"What? So it's not true?" she pressed, clearly looking for a reaction that you weren't willing to give her. 

"No, no it's not," you declined again, your leg bouncing up and down nervously. Lando grinned to himself, proud of you for sticking up for yourself and not giving in. He just hoped you had the willpower to carry on being as strong as you were, since he knew how sensitive you were at the minute.

"So the two of you didn't spend this weekend, practically locked in his parent's house by the lake while the bed was creaking-" 

"Right that's enough." you said, your voice firm and leaving no room for disagreement. Lilly looked a tiny bit shook by your defiance, but Lando was sat there, wide-eyed. He never told anyone about the house by the lake apart from Max, and the likelihood of him telling Lilly of all people was slim to none. 

But he was more taken aback and impressed by your steadfastness. He had expected you to be in tears by this point, but it was a more than pleasant surprise. He still couldn't see Lilly's face, but he could imagine the annoying pout as her lips were pursed together.

"I don't know who you heard that from, but that is complete and utter bullshit. I spent my weekend at home. As for Lando? I couldn't really give a shit, but he wasn't with me. Much to your dismay, he wasn't with you either,"  you carried on, and your conversation had pricked up some of your class' listening ears. 

Lilly looked like you had just slapped her, her mouth agape and eyes wide as she looked at you. "I... you..." she stuttered, unsure of how to respond. As much as Lando was glad that you were sticking up for yourself, he was also feeling a slight stabbing pain in his chest. 

You 'couldn't really give a shit'. The worst part was that he couldn't tell if you meant it or not. He doubted that you did, but there was always the small question of what if? What if you had meant it?

If he was being honest, the thought of you not caring scared the life out of him. It wasn't something that he wanted to believe, not at all. He knew that the two of you weren't on the best terms, not by either of your faults but you still weren't friends, yet that didn't warrant you not caring at all, right?

The one person whose opinion he idolised, the one person who he wanted to see everyday, the one person who he could be himself around didn't care. It simply didn't register in his mind that that was even possible. 

By the time Lando had snapped out of his thoughts, the teacher had resumed his lesson and you and Lilly were sat in silence, a scowl still plastered on her face. The rest of the lesson wasn't focused on biology, at least not for Lando. 

Both of you left as quickly as you could and went to your favourite respective places to spend your break times. Lando didn't know where you'd be this time, since you moved just about every five minutes. 

He knew that your little outburst would get back to his friends by the end of the break, and he didn't want to be there when they inevitably found out. He couldn't figure out what they'd say to him or how they'd react, but he knew there would be more teasing. 

He was upset enough as it was, and he didn't need them to make it worse. Lando stayed away from the canteen, just aimlessly wandering through the near-empty halls. As he approached the lockers on his third lap of the school, his ears picked up the sounds of a familiar voice. 

"You think you're so special, don't you?" she said, and he could have sworn that all he could see was red. Lilly. And there was no doubts in his mind over who she was talking to.

"I bet you're loving all of this attention, aren't you? You probably started these rumours yourself, didn't you?" Lilly carried on, Lando staying behind the wall while he listened to her onslaught. He hadn't seen you, but he could picture the look on your face. 

"Why the hell would I make up such awful things about myself? I'm not an attention seeker like you, I don't want this happening," you retorted, a smirk growing on Lando's face as he heard you. He was glad you weren't running off and crying anymore, but he assumed you were bottling it all up as a way of coping. 

"Please, you're just annoyed that Lando would never actually date you, aren't you?" she said, and you were both gobsmacked. You knew that that was why she was getting pissy with you, but you didn't think she'd spell it out point blank. 

"What, like he'd date you either?" you shot back, stunning Lilly into silence. Initially, she was right to assume that her saying all of these things would reduce you to tears, but today you had built a shell around you - one that almost seemed impenetrable. 

But, hidden beneath the tough exterior and firm words, Lando could hear the faintest of a wobble in your voice. Lilly wouldn't pick up on it, but he had. Maybe it was just because he knew you so well already, or maybe it was just because he liked you so damn much that he noticed all of the tiniest little things about you. 

"Please, I think anyone would rather date me over you," she said after a few moments, the come back taking longer for her to think up than she would have liked.  You nearly laughed in her face, nearly told her what a massive bitch she was and how most people would rather be dead than date her. 

However, someone swooped in. "I know I wouldn't."

"Oh, hey Lando, we were just talking about you," Lilly instantly stepped in, her voice suddenly turning nauseatingly sacchariferous. She stepped closer to him, batting her false eyelashes at him as if it would put him under her spell. 

"Yeah, I heard." he said, his voice betraying none of his emotions. Lilly could tell that something was up with him, but she chose to ignore it and carry on trying to woo him. 

"I was just saying how-"

"I heard it. And I don't think you have any right to say any of that about Y/N. She is a much better person than you, and you're stupid to think she'd make those rumours about us. That's something you'd do. Also, I'll reiterate. I would rather date her than you any day of the week." he said, not missing a beat between sentences.

Lilly stayed quiet, that familiar scowl finding its place back on her face. "Fine, yeah, whatever," she scoffed, rolling her eyes as she stormed away from you. 

You let out a breath that you hadn't realised you had been holding, finally feeling the weight of the day pressing down on you. You had done so well to keep it all bottled up as you stood up for yourself, but now it felt like the adrenaline had worn off and your resolve was crumbling. 

Once she had gone, Lando turned to you and saw the tears in your eyes. "Hey, no, don't..." he softly said, approaching you. He was unsure whether he was allowed to hug you or touch you or if he was supposed to just leave you alone to cry. 

He contemplated it, but he couldn't force himself to walk away. You had let all of the fear and the upset of the weekend and the past couple of hours to build up, and now it was finally too heavy for you to hold up. 

"Can I... can I please just..." he started, not knowing how to ask the question. He didn't want to outright ask if he could hold you, but he didn't know what else to say. Instead, he hovered his arms awkwardly around you as if he was gesturing at hugging you. 

"Mhm," you hummed, your arms going around his neck as his wrapped around your waist. It was nice to be close to you again, to have you again. He also felt a rush of affection. He didn't know how long to hold the hug, how tightly to hold you, where to put his head. 

Did he rest it on top of yours? Bury it in the crook of your neck? Just... keep it there? 

Despite his inner turmoil, his instincts took his hand up the the back of your head, fingers tangling in the strands of hair. "Please don't cry, c'mon, it's OK," he mumbled, hating the way you shook with silent sobs in his arms. 

He knew you had kept your emotions all bundled up inside all day, but he couldn't handle you being so upset. "I'm sorry..." you mumbled, but he couldn't make out the words as they were muffled by his chest. 

"Hm? What did you say?" he gently asked, looking down at you as you looked up at him. It had just dawned on him how close you were, and how easy it would be just to lean down and kiss you like he- no, no. Not the time. Not yet, at least. 

"I said I'm sorry," you repeated, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

"Sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry for... avoiding you, not being your friend, being a complete and utter bitch to you, and-" you started to ramble, more tears falling from your eyes. 

"Hey, no, no, I won't hear it. None of this is your fault, absolutely none of it. OK?" he reassured you, needing you to know that you hadn't done anything wrong. All you did was nod, before hugging him tighter and resting your head back on his chest. 

His white button up was slightly see through with tears, but he'd be able to hide it with his blazer no problem. "Shh, please don't cry," he carried on trying to soothe you, his mind going through thousands of other things he wanted to say.

'You're too pretty to cry...' was the first thing that came to the forefront of his brain, but that was too much too soon. He felt your shudders against him stilling as you opted to just stand there in his embrace. He wasn't complaining, he would stay like that for as long as you'd let him.   

From down the hall, he could hear the faint pattering of footsteps. Lando didn't want to say anything, he just wanted to let them walk by and they'd likely ignore the two of you. Once you heard it too, you pushed back from him so that there was a sizeable gap between you both. 

He was disappointed, to say the least, but he understood your trepidation. It was a good job that you had stepped away, since the person that walked by was one of Lilly's friends. She was probably already floating around, spreading as many lies as her single-celled brain could muster. 

"I'll... see you later, yeah?" you weakly smiled, checking the time and seeing that it was nearly time for your next class. 

"Yeah, course. You getting the bus or do you need a ride?" he asked, confident that his mum would happily pick you up down the road and take you home. 

"A ride would be nice," you nodded, and he was slightly taken aback by the fact that you hadn't argued with him. You were as stubborn as the day was long, but he was happy you had relented  quickly on this occasion. 

"You just start walking home and we'll find you somewhere along the road," he told you and you nodded. 

"Sounds good," you lightly chuckled, the sound welcome to his ears. He hadn't heard any semblance of a laugh from you in nearly a week, and he was unbelievably grateful that he had gotten to hear it again. 

"See ya," he smiled as you walked away, a wave of contentedness washing over him. Even if it has come as a result of some of the toughest days of both your life and his, he had gotten to hug you. To actually hug you, to touch you more than your fingers just brushing together when you handed something to each other. 

It was what he had wanted, and he had finally gotten it. The price was hefty, but he had gotten it nonetheless. Now, he was counting down the seconds until he'd get to drive you home, spend more time with you, talk to you again.      

The rest of the day wasn't actually too bad. Just the odd comment or two, but it was nothing compared to what the pair of you had been getting over the past few days. Lando actually found a few of them quite funny, when he thought about it. 

"Hey Norris, your girlfriend is feisty, eh? Bet that makes her fun for you," one of the boys in your year said, as if it was meant to hurt or upset him. Instead he just laughed, shaking his head. 

"Feisty? Very," was all he could get out before walking away to get to his next lesson. Lando had never been so prudent with getting to his lessons, but he found that it was the best way to spend his time. 

Hour after hour went by, and before he knew it, Lando was practically running out of the front doors of the school and towards his mum's car. She was parked in the same spot that she always was, and he hopped in the back in preparation for you to get in too. 

"Why are you sitting back there?" she asked, looking at him in the rear view mirror. 

"We're picking Y/N up down the road," he said, leaning over the center console to turn on the heated seats on your side, as well as leaving his jumper from the day on your seat. He had found the one that you had returned to him in his locker, but he wanted you to have the one he had already worn.

There was something strangely intimate about you wearing his jumpers as a source of warmth and comfort, but he wasn't opposed to it. He knew that a lot of girls stole their boyfriend's hoodies, but this wasn't quite that scenario.

He wanted it to be, there was no doubt about that, but this made him feel like you two were a few steps closer to that. You were always happy to wear his jumpers, but he sometimes wished you wouldn't return then just so that he could ask for them back. Not that he wanted them back. If you wanted them, they were all yours. 

"Oh are we now?" she smirked, finding her son's actions towards you as endearing as hell. He was shaping up to be the boy she wanted to raise, and she was so proud of him. She could tell his crush on you was definitely developing, and the distance between you clearly made him want you more. 

"Yeah, we are," he said, leaving no room for her to say no. Well, she wouldn't have said no since it was cold and she didn't want you walking such a distance in such cold temperatures. 

"Does she know we're taking her home or have you just decided?"

"I asked if she wanted a ride and she said yes, so we're picking her up," he reiterated, plugging his seat belt into the socket and getting comfortable against the leather of the seats. 

"OK, OK," she chuckled, shaking her head. Igniting the engine, Lando's mum pulled away from her parking spot and started driving down the road, looking out for you. As she glanced at the rear-view mirror, she could see Lando's eyes glued to the window, searching for you on the pavement. 

She knew he had seen him by the way his eyes lit up and a small smile crept its way across his lips. Pulling up on the pavement, she rolled the passenger side window down as she called out to you. "Your chauffeur awaits," 

Clambering in the passenger side, you saw Lando's jumper on your chair, instantly taking your blazer off and replacing it with the garment. It was so much warmer than your coat, and you felt so much more comfortable in it too. 

You didn't fail to notice the heat that emanated from the seat as well, the added care making butterflies spark in your stomach. "You really don't have to go to the effort of picking me up, you know." you said, feeling slightly bad that she was going out of her way to take you home. 

"Well it was Lando's idea. He just told me we were picking you up and here we are," she told you, and you could sense the blush that coated Lando's cheeks. 

"Mum c'mon, don't..." he mumbled, crossing his arms and avoiding her gaze in the mirror. He had a slight pout on his face, and it reminded her of when he didn't get what he wanted when he was little. He was always adorable. 

You just giggled at him, and it was music to his ears. Seeing you warm and cozy in his hoodie was definitely something he wanted more of, and he wasn't sure how much more waiting he could do before he cracked and acted on his impulses. 

Yet, he didn't know what he'd do if you rejected him, or said you just wanted to be friends. He never wanted to be just friends with you, he wanted it all with you. He wanted you to be his first real girlfriend, the one you can never really forget. 

And he could only hope that you wanted the same from him. His gut feeling told him that it was obvious that you were feeling the same. Why else would you hug him, accept a ride home from him, wear his jumpers?   

He didn't care, all he did care about was the fact that his heart was dead set on the notion that you did like him back, but his head was throwing doubts at him. 

After a short drive and light conversation, you pulled up outside of your house. Instead of his mum this time, Lando wanted to be the one who walked you to your door. Getting out of his seat and taking a few steps forward to your door, he opened it forward and stood to the side. 

Grabbing your bag out of the footwell, Lando carried it to your front door as you walked together. "Do you think we could go to the library tomorrow at second break? I tried to use the textbook to do the biology, but I really couldn't understand. Plus, I think my knowledge of female anatomy could really be helped out by you," he joked, and it was refreshing to see a bit of Lando's regular cheek coming to the fore. 

If someone else had made the comment, you would've been pissed off, maybe a little upset. But not when it was Lando. His usual sense of humor was coming back, and it was like things were slowly returning back to normal. 

"I think the textbook is a better help on that subject than I am," you countered, and Lando just smirked at you. 

"Probably, but I'm much more of a hands-on learner. I'd like to have the real thing in front of me, you know?" he quipped, and you couldn't help but laugh at him. Now this was how things were meant to be. Just you two, laughing and enjoying being in each other's company. 

"Sure," you agreed. Well, not to the hands on learning, just to teaching him the stuff he didn't understand. Your way of explaining things was good for Lando, it made him understand it a lot better than the teachers could. 

"Can I get a hug before I go?" he tentatively asked, his brain working overtime to try and think of a joke to play it off in case you said no.

"Course you can," you said, your arms finding their place back around his neck as you leant into him. Just the feeling of you in his arms was enough to get his heart racing, and he felt the ever similar urge to just lean down and kiss you. 

A soft smile found its way onto his mum's face - who was watching on from the car. Seeing the both of you so miserable was dreadful, so now seeing you making up and going back to the ordinary was more than enough for her. 

There was no missing the fond, soft look in her son's eyes. It was nothing but pure affection and admiration, and it was clear how much he cared for you. She had never seen such adoration from him, and she should have guessed that it'd be you. 

From the first time your name had ever slipped past his lips, she should've known just by the way he spoke about you. And now, there you were. The two of you, as you were meant to be. 

You and Lando bade each other farewell, and he waited until you were safely inside the confines of your own home before walking back to his mum's car and getting in the passenger seat. "You two seem to have made up," she said, a slightly teasing tone to her voice. 

"Yeah, something like that," he agreed, knowing it was more than that. Or so he hoped. If only he knew that things weren't that simple, that the rose tinted glasses would be ripped from his face just as quickly as they had been put there. 

A/N - Hello lovely people! Chipping away at all the stuff I have half finished, which is part 2 to Hotel Girl, the requested part 2 of Ceilings, a little old Charlos thing, a Lando thing and Max's birthday special! I have to do one for old Maxie since we have the same birthday so we can roll our birthday specials into one. Have a great night, love y'all! 💖

tag list: @oh-austin @avni-sarai @cheriladycl01 @mariedeyes223 @daemyraforever56 @toriiez @robotchickenmerp

|masterlist|

[monzamash]

pit in my stomach - lando norris

rating – mature (cheating, language, sexual references) requested by @landograndprix - hugging you tight, my friend!

it was hard to pin point the moment his love for you had been diminished by his crippling guilt or when you knew there was nothing he could say or do to piece you back together. maybe it was around the time you’d asked him point blank whether he saw you in his future and he stuttered over his truth with an unconvincing of course i do when the dagger had already been deployed into your unsuspecting back. naively blinded by love.

or maybe it was the night lando stumbled home from the local, half a pint of slushing lager still in his hand while the other held a small, black velvet box. he dropped down on one knee, eyes bloodshot with tears and a trembling bottom lip – a stark contrast to your hardened stare and crossed arms shielding you from the blow, physically and emotionally spent.

“i fucked up… i-god i hate that i've hurt you, baby and i wish i could take it all back – i fucked up so bad and i’m so sorry.”

“you didn’t fuck up, lando – you fucked someone else for six months and lied to my face and made me feel like i was losing my mind! do you have any idea how much pain you’ve caused?”

the room fell silent, boiling blood pumping in your ears.

“huh?! do you?”

“no–”

“no you don’t! i've been stupid enough to keep chasing after you and all you’ve done is let me down and made me look like a fucking idiot! everyone knew about her, about what you were doing behind my back and you knew it was wrong but you couldn’t stop! you’re a monster and i’m not going to cry over a mistake you made…"

sadness welled as you stared down at the man kneeling at your feet. he was a stranger who only resembled the man you loved in appearance, not in honour or integrity or character – you were grieving the lando who had showed you the world with so much love and adoration and hope.

"you will have to live with this mistake for the rest of your life.”

“you’re right. i will never forgive myself 'cause she meant nothing and i have to fix this – i need to fix this because i love you.. so much. i’ll get help, i’ll see someone just give me a chance to fix it…”

“do you really think that is going to fix it?”

you pointed to the dainty box that held so much weight. in a way it represented a future founded on four years of memories, of something resembling happiness. sure, there had been disappointments, hundreds of missed calls, a few missed anniversaries and your gnawing intuition saying that maybe the paranoia wasn’t just inside your head. but ending like this, in betrayal and heartache – you hadn’t seen that one coming.

lando swallowed the lump forming in his throat, queasy from the drunken stupor he’d drank himself into and the dread settling in the pit of his empty stomach, “thought it might be start…”

a strained laugh slipped from pursed lips as venom coated your sharpened tongue, “and that is how i know you will never change.”

“please,” lando scrambled to his feet and reached out for your hand in an attempt to stop you from walking away, “please don’t leave me…” he begged, voice barely above a whisper.

lando knew he would never forget the look in your eyes when you slowly turned back to him – they were cold and punishing, bone-chilling. they swirled with the web of lies and sorrow that he had inflicted upon the person he loved the most in the world, who had given him everything she had, who loved him unconditionally, which made it nearly impossible to accept that he had lost you.

“you left me six months ago when you slept with her, lando.”

more writing...

[daydreamerbunny]

Star-Crossed and History-Lost

Aegon II Targaryen x sister!female reader, hints of Aemond Targaryen x sister!female reader as well

Genre: Smut (pwp)

Summary: You adore your brother, Aegon, while married and growing resentful to your other brother Aegon. You reminisce on your moments with Aegon while you care for him after being burned and plan on his escape.

Word Count: 6.2k

Warnings: targ incest, infedility and pregnancy (brother and sister)

Author's Note: Please do not engage with this fan fic if you cannot read the warnings above. I felt inclined to write this. It may be very all over the place, so apologies for that. There also may be some grammatical errors as well. Lots of dialogue at one point so...bear with me on that. I want to write more for this character very soon!

You weren’t sure what or if Aegon could hear, but you read to him. You smile to yourself as you did. Maybe reading about the Doom of Valyria to your crippled brother was not the best of materials, but it’s how you know to comfort him. It’s how your mother spent time with you. You look up from the texts at Aegon. He is melted and crippled, but how you would kill to see him smile again. You prayed until your mind was buzzing with nothing but Aegon. Praying that the Seven will spare Aegon from the Stranger for now and heal him from his ailments. Praying that Sunfyre is not dead.

The doors to the king’s bed chambers opened and your husband struts in, his facial expression not moving as he observes you at Aegon’s side. “Wife.” Aemond greets. 

“Husband.” You greeted shortly back and did not meet his gaze for much longer, shutting the large book and placing it on the nightstand. “Have you come to check on our dear brother?” You asked. 

Aemond approached you slowly while still looking at Aegon. You stand between Aemond and Aegon on the bed, watching your husband drag his fingers against the blankets. You take a moment to look at his face. To others Aemond can be hard to predict and read, but for you it was like looking through glass. His face is a face that is frozen in time. The moment he was born the second son. The moment he lost his eye. These moments still walk with him wherever he goes. 

There was a time where you deeply admired Aemond. He held himself with grace and he was patient. He was a reserved, but kind lover.  The two of you were content with being together. Then Storm’s Rest happened and you cannot look at your husband the same. He is now a kinslayer. It’s bad enough already, but he will not share his guilt and you resent him for it. Aemond knows this and his pride will not let him tend to your marriage. The only thing he managed to tend to was fulfilling his duty of giving you children, which your first born is still forming in your belly. 

As your resentment grew for Aemond you spent more time with Aegon. Alicent did not approve of how much time you spent with him as she thought you to be so proper, or maybe a reflection of herself, and she did not want Aegon ruining you. Your affection towards Aegon has always existed since you were a child, but Aegon and Helaena were betrothed and you shoved any hope of marrying him aside.  It was clear you were going to have to marry Aemond.  A duty the two of you were happy to fulfill, but now all it is is duty. 

“Someone will need to rule in his stead.” Aemond stared at Aegon and his condition, his face unchanged. 

“And I imagine you intend to plead your case to the council that it should be you.” You stated. 

“And who do you think it should be, dear wife?” He turned his gaze to you. You knew he wasn’t actually asking you. 

You bite your lip and feel your eyes start to water. “Do you even care about your family, Aemond?” You place your hand on your stomach as the tears fall down your cheeks. 

Aemond places a hand on yours and leans closer to you, “everything I do is for this family.” 

You hold his gaze and lower your voice. “Did you burn him?” 

Aemond gulps and pulls away, “the King fought well. Now, I believe you need some rest. This pregnancy has been rough on your mind, dear sister.” He turns to walk out the door. 

“I’ll never forgive you.” Your voice shook, but it was strong. 

“I can live with that.” Aemond said curtly as the doors shut behind him. 

A sob escapes your throat. You hate the person Aemond has become. You’re married to a kinslayer and a possible attempted kingslayer. You are pregnant with his child. You hold your swollen stomach as you sit down back in your chair next to the bed. Aemond used to dance with you and drop off flowers in your chamber, but now he courts his books, his swords, his dragon, and his revenge. 

“Aegon, you cannot leave me with him.” You sniffle and wipe your tears with your handkerchief. 

“Sis…ter.” Aegon croaked out, but his eyes stayed shut. 

“Oh, thank the Gods.” You smile and stand, leaning over to look at his face. “I’m here. Do you need anything? Oh! Let me get mother and the maester.” You excitedly say and run as fast as you can out of the room. 

“Sis…ter.”

It was your name day and your mood was sour.  Your father had died and your husband had killed your little nephew shortly after.  Aegon was crowned king, which converted Alicent to the Dowager Queen.  Your grandsire insisted that they still have a name day celebration for you.  Otto favored you greatly.  You were smart and dutiful.  Besides him favoring you he also thought it was wise to show the kingdom that the crown is not shaken by Rhaenyra and by what Aemond has done.

It was a beautiful day.  The sun hung high above the gardens of the Red Keep.  Music played gracefully as lords and ladies chatting with a glass of wine in hand.  You stayed close to the food table and nursed many lemon bars.  The food cravings you were having were rather intense and lemon has been on your mind.  “Mmm.” A small hum of contentment escaped your lips.

“Hiding away from the attention, are we now sister?” Aegon appeared at your side with a grin on his face.

“Is it obvious?” You ask as you wipe some crumbs from my lips.  “I did not expect you here.” You said.

Aegon almost looked offended.  “It is your name day, sweet sister.” He spotted a pitcher of wine and poured himself a glass.  “Of course I’d be here.” He smiles at you.

It made your heart pound.  “Well, Your Grace, will you do me the honor of keeping me company?” You ask with a soft smile.

Aegon took a swig of his wine and grabbed your hand, kissing your knuckles softly.  “Happy to oblige.” He offered you his arm.

You rest your arm in his and follow his lead.  Aegon has the two of you hug the outside of the crowd.  It was enough to get noticed, but not approached.  Aegon and you made your way to the gazebo and you sat down, looking up at him as he leaned against the structure with his wine still glued to his hand. There was a moment of silence between the two of you.

“How have you been feeling?” Aegon gestured to your stomach while he asked.

“It’s a mix of feeling ill while also being hungry all the time.” You sigh.  “If I eat and indulge too much, it just comes right back up.”

“That sounds horrible.” He sips his wine and scratches his head.

“It is most definitely not pleasant.” You giggle a little and nod. “I’ve missed you, Aegon.”

Aegon smiles softly and places his cup down, walking over to stand over you.  “I’ve been busy adjusting to being the king.” He held out his hands and wiggled his fingers, coaxing you to hold his hands. You can still hear the music and the chatter of feast goers.  You look out of the gazebo before grabbing your brother’s hands and standing, following him to the middle of the gazebo.  “Can you handle a dance, sister?” He asks.

You grin and line yourself up with him, arms out to mimic the wings of a dragon.  “Can you handle not stepping on my feet?” You jest.

Aegon shook his head and smiled, the dance started.  Not only the physical dance but also the one in your heart.  The nausea squashed down as your eyes locked and your skirts twirled.  Aegon only danced with you.  The one person who could convince him to place his wine down and stop brooding from the dinner table.  The last person he danced with was Helaena at his own wedding and that was when he was still a young boy.  There was something about you.  It was probably how you were such a dutiful, sweet person.  You were there to wipe the sweat off his brow and to dab the tears off his cheeks after his mother’s verbal or physical lashings.  There was that, but you were also fun.  You snuck into your siblings rooms to go dragon riding in the dead of the night.  It was mostly just Aegon who would agree.  It truly was a shame that you were born after Helaena.

Aegon had many chances to whisk you away and take your maidenhood.  It would have been very easy to make you his mistress, but Aegon held you in a higher regard.  You were not a maid who cleaned his linen or a whore in the Streets of Silk.  You were a princess and his sister, although it was not like you were not trying and it did end up working.  It was not too long ago either.  Aegon cut eye contact with you and his eyes trailed down to your stomach.  You were not showing yet.

“How long ago was it that we rode to the lake on dragonback?”  Aegon asked and reconnected the magnet that was your eye contact.

You knew what he was asking or insinuating.  This was something that you wanted to keep to yourself.  You did not want to complicate either of your brother’s lives.  You were going to not question anything and raise this baby as Aemond being the father and which it could be.  Your wedding night did not fall too far behind the rendezvous at the lake.  You had hoped, just this once, that Aegon would stick to his cups and not even question this.  

Yet you could not lie to him.  “A little more than a month ago, I suppose.” You suddenly felt nauseous and took a deep breath, counting your steps.

“Is it mine?”

“I don’t know.” You answer back quickly.  “I believe it to be Aemond’s.” 

You step forward and then stop, holding your arms out again like a dragon.  Aegon moves behind you and places his back against yours, stretching out his arms to match yours.  He stared out into the gardens in the general direction where his mother and grandsire were entertaining guests.  His nose scrunched up in disgust.  Another thing that he could not have.  This is another area that his brother has bested him in, even though he stood there with the Conqueror's crown on his head.

Aegon turned and quickly turned you by your shoulders, cupping your cheeks and kissing you deeply.  A noise of surprise was quickly covered in the passion of the kiss.  It was like he was trying to swallow you whole.  For a moment, you kissed back.  Your hands placed on his chest to make sure you do not fall as his force leaned you backwards a little.  He took your breath away and sucked the oxygen out of your lungs.  You lightly pound on his chest and attempt to push him away.  Aegon pulls away from the kiss, but his grip on your face remains.  The two of you pant and stare into each other’s eyes.  

“Aegon, we must keep the little sanity that this family has left.” You say slowly, feeling as though you need to diffuse the bomb that is your lover.  

Aegon let you go and tilted his head up slightly, holding a finger up as he spoke.  “If there is ever such a moment where we can take Sunfyre and Fyredancer and fly so fucking far away…I will take it, dear sister.” He cups your cheek again with one hand and rubs away the tear now falling from your eye.  “I have never wanted for anything.  Not this damn crown or this upcoming war.  All I wanted was to be loved and wanted, and I only got that from you.”  He dropped his hand and retrieved his almost forgotten wine cup.  

“Our family would blame us…for so much.” You breathe out as you fantasize about the idea of running away from the keep, the faith, the war, and the attempted love that your mother gives you and your siblings.  

“History would not blame us in the long run.” Aegon takes a long gulp of his red wine and takes one final look at you.  “Enjoy your name day, sweet sister.”

“My sister..such a good soul, is she not, Maester Orwyle?” Aegon complimented you as take the glass of water from his lips and dab the liquid away from his mouth.

Maester Orwyle and you share a small smile, “she is a natural nurturer, Your Grace.  There is no doubt she will be a great mother.” He shared the compliment as he put his tools away.

Aegon’s leg was propped up as it was still on the mend from being broken.  His eye and skin have healed at a remarkable rate.  It was challenging, but yet rewarding to see someone bounce back from such conditions.  There was no word on Sunfyre’s conditions, but Aegon is convinced he is dead.  Ser Criston Cole swears Sunfyre is still alive, but in no condition to fly.  You try to reassure Aegon of this, but it’s no surprise that he is drowning in his self despair.  

You smile softly at the two men and nod, “the two of you are so kind.”  You rub your hand over the small bump forming in your dress.  “The next time we sit you up, Your Grace, we need to brush your hair.” 

“Ah, always doting on me.” Aegon reached his good hand out and you place your hand in his, “what would I do without you?” He asked.

Aegon was putting on a bit of a show for Maester Orwyle, but he still meant it.  “You honor me, my King.” You squeeze his fingers and reach up to pat his cheek.

The doors open and Lord Strong enters the room, the armor of clubbed foot hitting the floor.  You turn to dismiss the maester, but he is already on his way out of the door.  “May we have a word, Your Grace.” Lord Strong asked as he reached the end of the bed.

“My sister stays.” Aegon commanded as Larys looked at you.

“I was not going to protest, Your Grace, in fact I am glad she is here.” Larys nodded his head at you.

“Lord Larys, what do we owe the pleasure?” You ask as you stood at Aegon’s bedside and to which Aegon rolled his eyes.  It was so easy for you to channel your mother when you are being polite, but impatient.

“I must ask you, You Grace, to steel yourself.”  The lord started. “We must leave King’s Landing quickly and we will not return for some time.” 

“What?” Aegon and you asked, furrowing your brows.

“The pretender has found three new riders for her dragons.” He continued with his arms crossed.

Your eyes widened at your half-sister’s progress and looked at Aegon, “that’s impossible.” You breathe out.

“Your husband thought the same, princess.  He flew to challenge and was rebuffed.  Fled in terror from what I hear.” Larys looked down for a moment as he spoke and back up to Aegon.

You put your hand on your stomach and look out the balcony as if you were looking for Aemond.  “He deserves no less.”  Aegon drawled out after a weak attempt at a chuckle.

“Be that as it may be he has gone in fury to Sharp Point and laid waste to the whole of the town.” Larys continued as tears welled in your eyes. 

“Fucking mad cunt.” Aegon took a breath and said, “she really did it then.” 

“I fear so.” Larys nods.

Aegon looks down at himself with just his eyes and back up to Larys, “so, what was the fucking point in all of this then?” He asked.

“The Gods are cruel, but I hope you see the urgency–” Larys started.

Aegon shook his head and interrupted. “No…no.  I am the King, why must I run?”  You look back over to Aegon and wipe the tears threatening to fall away from your eyes.

“Because the Prince Regent is going to kill you.” Larys said confidently.  Aegon gulped and you snapped your head to Larys, shocked at his statement.  “You were in danger before, but now he is thwarted and he is angry.  There is no telling in what he will do, but we have an opportunity while he is away.”

“An opportunity to push him out.” You reply.

“Take me to my throne and once he returns I shall take him prisoner.” Aegon said and you nodded.

“And what then?  When Rhaenyra descends on you with her seven dragons and you without Vhagar, what then?” Larys asked and it made you return your hand to your stomach, reaching to your baby for comfort.

Aegon remains silent and Larys walks over, sitting on Aegon’s bed.  “With anticipation with little bumps in the road I have moved away Harrenhal’s gold reserves to the Iron Bank in Bravos.  We can live well and remain until what is coming has passed.” Larys looked at the two of you while he spoke.

Aegon began weakly chuckling at the proposition.  “You want to take my sister and I to Essos? To live with the goat fuckers?” He asked.

You put your hands on your temples.  This was blowing your mind that Larys is proposing this.  “Lord Strong, Aegon is in no condition to travel and I–” You pause.  There are many things you could say here.  You are pregnant.  You are married to Aemond.  You would break your mother’s heart, but you want this.  There is no tricking yourself here.  This is what Aegon spoke about on your name day.

“It’s best to live, I think.” Larys moved his head to make sure you were looking at him.  “However you do it.”

“Is it?” Aegon asks.  “My dragon is dead.  I am burnt and disgusting.” You shook your head as he continued. “ And alone and I’m a cripple.” You want to protest, but you let the men speak.

“You’re not alone.  You have your sister, who loves you very dearly–” Larys spoke.

“Yes, but my cock is destroyed. Did they tell you that?”  Aegon just kept talking and staring at Larys.  “It burst in the flames like a sausage on a spit.” You closed your eyes at his words and wished that the mental image would leave your brain.  “How am I supposed to make love to her now?  Even the very idea of running away with her is now ruined.  In my head, we would ride away on our dragons together and raise our own family.  No duty but to each other and our children.” 

“Do not despair, Your Grace.  Let your brother and the pretender destroy themselves in blood and in bitterness.  When they are spent we will return.  And the people will rise up to meet us.” Larys attempted to pull Aegon out of the spiral he was going down.

“I cannot even piss without it running down my leg.” Aegon says, looking off between the two of you.

“Aegon.” You interrupt and kneel down.  “This is probably what is best.  Aemond has no remorse for what he did and you know that.” You grab his hand that is resting on his stomach and squeeze it, making him look at you.

“They will tire of their endless deprivation and fear.  They will hail the returning king.  His father’s true heir.  Aegon the Victorious and Risen from the Ashes.  Aegon the Peacemaker.” Larys goes on to list various titles.

“Aegon the Realm’s Delight.” Aegon said as he looked away from you and started to stare off into the distance.  Imagining the people calling him what they called his older sister years ago.

“Princess, I rely on your help to make this plan happen.  Do you wish to do this in your condition?” Larys asked while nodding towards your stomach.

You gulp and nod, “I am not so much worried about myself, Lord Strong.  It is my brother I worry about.” You stand, but do not let go of Aegon’s hand.  “What of my dragon?” 

“She will need to stay here.” Larys said and continued, “do not worry, princess.  We will be coming back.”

“Sister, we will be free.” Aegon drew your attention back to him with a half smile on his face.

“At what cost?” You ask, but you smile back at him.  You lean down and kiss his forehead, not expecting him to answer your question.

Aegon smiled as you rushed past him on top of your dragon, Fyredancer.  Fyredancer was a quick and nimble dragon.  It was only a little smaller than Sunfyre as you took your dragon out a lot more than your other siblings did, aside from Vhagar.  She was a pale purple-gray with orange on the wings and she was as pretty as a sunset.  The two of you suited each other.  Aegon commanded Sunfyre to move faster and to catch up with the she-dragons.  It was the middle of the night and the only thing that lit the sky was its moon and stars.  Aegon flew behind you and watched you turn in your saddle to smile at him, nodding your head down towards the large lake below.  Aegon gestures outwards as if to say, “after you, sweet sister.”

Once landed Aegon follows you to the edge of the lake.  It was incredibly dark out, but his eyes have mostly adjusted to the darkness.  He watches you strip your riding gloves and toss them to the side on the ground.  Your eyes were focused on the water in front of you and your hair was braided back and down the length of your back.  Aegon stayed back for a moment to observe you before approaching you slowly, stopping behind you.

“Surely we did not sneak out of the Keep on dragonback just to stare at a lake, sister.” Aegon jested and pinched the fabric of his own gloves, shimmying them off his hands.

“You’re right.” You turn your head and point to the ground with your eyes.  “Sit with me? Please?”  You ask as you sit to the ground.  

Aegon rolls his eyes, but not at you.  He was rolling his eyes at the fact that he did not even hesitate to listen to you.  He tosses his gloves over to where your gloves had landed and sits next to you, leaning back on his hands.  He looked up at the sky and stared at the moon, observing that it was a full moon this evening.  This caused him to look at you and to his surprise, you were already looking at him.  Aegon’s eyes were now fully adjusted to the night.  Your violet eyes stared at him like he was a slice of cake.  It caused both Aegon’s heart and ego to swell.  “Well, I must be the most handsome lad you have ever seen to be staring at me like that.” He grinned at you.

You blushed and turned your head forward, cursing yourself silently.  You smile shyly and decide to play into Aegon’s banter.  “The moonlight suits you.” You compliment.

Aegon tilted his head and reached up to turn your chin haphazardly to look at him again.  Your eyes were so enticing.  They were wide in anticipation and your lips were parted, your chest rising up and down just a pace faster than normal.  His gaze softened and he reached over again, running the back of his hand down your cheek.  Your eyes fell closed at the touch and your own hand reached up, wrapping your fingers around his wrist.  You didn’t flinch nor push his touch away.  You welcomed it.  Aegon turned his hand to cup your cheek and leaned closer to you, his fingers dipping into your neat braided hair.  He moved as though you were made out of glass.

Aegon shifts to his knees and runs a hand down the length of your braid, finding the small string that kept the plait intake.  You watch as he unravels your long hair and sigh as his fingers run over your scalp, helping your hair fall into place.  Aegon was privy to the beauties of a woman, but this was someone who loved him.  His hand finds your chin again and his thumb swipes over your bottom lip, watching your eyes dilate at the action.  You mirror his actions and cup his cheek, rubbing your thumb over his cheekbone.  Aegon closes his eyes for a moment and enjoys your touch, savoring the gentle touch of a woman he loved.  He opens his eyes slightly and moves both of his hands to your cheeks, swooping his head down to finally capture your lips in a kiss.

You welcome the kiss and fall back to lay flat on the grass, bringing him down with you.  Aegon naturally slipped himself between your legs and put one hand out next to your head to balance himself.  The kiss quickly turned heated as tongues were mixed in and small gasps of air, fueling the two of you’s desire to soar.  The hand that was on your cheek moved down to your throat and he held it there as his tongue danced with yours.  He tasted like the wine your family had for dinner.  After a moment of that Aegon pulled away and kissed your jaw then made his way down your neck.  Hot and wet kisses were left wherever he could reach.  A quiet moan escaped your throat as teeth were now thrown into the mix and your hands found his head, digging your fingers into the stark blonde hair.

“You love this don’t you?” Aegon asked hoarsely into your ear.  “Is this what you wanted when you snuck into my chambers and proposed a dragon ride, sweet sister?” He teased you.

“Yes.” You feel your body flush with white hot desire as he teased you. 

Aegon chuckled slowly and reached for the clasp of your waist belt, flicking it open and letting it fall off of you.  His nimble fingers then found the buttons of your riding coat and popped them out of their sockets.  Now that your dress was falling to your sides the two of you sat up and shoved the coat off of your body, leaving you in a simple tunic and your riding pants.  You take this moment to also unbutton Aegon’s royal garment and expose his tunic, pulling at the strings of this shirt.  Aegon smiles and strips off his tunic, quickly leaning down to kiss you again.  You smile against the kiss and run your smooth hands down his pale chest.  He hums into the kiss and places his hand on your hip, moving down the length of your leg.  He breaks the kiss and watches his hand meet the edge of your boot.

“I need to see all of you.” Aegon breathed out and yanked your boots off your feet, chucking them in different directions.

You giggled at his eagerness and decided to help him, lifting your tunic over your head.  Aegon licked his lips and curled his fingers around the fabric of your riding pants, yanking them down your hips.  All that was left were your undergarments and Aegon nearly groaned at the sight.  His hand met the middle of your chest and pushed you down, he lowered himself so that his head was level with your breasts.  He grabbed your left breast and leaned forward, gently licking your nipple.  You gasp at the sensation and bite your bottom lip, nodding as he looked up for confirmation that you liked it.

Aegon then committed his attention to your breasts.  Licking, sucking, biting and kissing.  A series of gasps and moans leave you as the heat in your stomach grows.  You lift your hips on occasion to seek out some friction and Aegon quickly takes notice, running his free hand down your stomach.  His fingers slip past your undergarments and carefully touch your clit, causing your hips to jolt in pleasure.  He knew this was your first time and so everything was going to be new to you.

Aegon pulled away from his attention on your nipples to ask, “is this okay?”

“N-No.” You gasp again as his fingers pressed against your clit. “I need more.” 

Aegon chuckles and shushes you, “do not worry, darling.  I’ll give you more.”  He moved upwards to kiss you again and then shifted his fingers downward so that they entered you.

Aegon swallowed the moan in your kiss and your legs opened more to welcome his fingers inside.  He strategically pumped his fingers in and out to create a slow, but delicious friction inside of you.  Your hand grasped his bicep as you struggled to keep up with the kiss because all of your brain could focus on is his fingers inside of you.  He smiled against your lips and moved back down to your neck, nipping at the soft skin by your shoulder.  Your fingers dug into his bicep as he curled his fingers upwards and hit a very sensitive spot causing you to cry out his name in pleasure.  He pulled away to watch your face with a dark, heated expression.

Aegon picked up his pace a tad and continued to hit that spot, causing your back to rise from the ground.  His jaw was slack as his face almost mocked your pleasure ridden face.  His own arousal was making itself very known against your leg and he was now having the worst time to not just take you now.  He wanted to see you come.  You felt a build up starting to form in your stomach and you opened your eyes, meeting his intense gaze.  “Oh Aegon, I can feel it.” You moan.

“Do not deny me, darling.” Aegon nods as if he was giving you permission.  “Come for me.” 

Aegon persisted his pace, but did not speed up or slow down.  He watched your face twist up in pleasure and your legs locked themselves around him.  You almost want to run away from how good this felt and then all of the sudden a white hot flame erupted all over your body, your heart threatening to beat out of your chest.  You pant heavily as your orgasm washes over you and your body falls slack, moaning softly as Aegon slows down his ministrations. He chuckled at how spent you seemed.

“Oh we are not done, sweet sister.  Do not forget about me.” Aegon sat up and shoved his trousers down his hips to expose his cock.

You lick your lips and shimmy your hips then open your legs again.  Aegon grins and wraps his arms around your legs, pulling you closer to him.  “You look so pretty and all for me.”  He lines himself up to your entrance and collects any wetness from your cunt.  Once he is certain he is lined up correctly he leans down and gently kisses your lips.  “Ready?” He asks.

“Please Aegon.” You beg.

Fuck, Aegon thought.  He pushes himself in and moans out softly as the warmth of your cunt swallows him.  You breathe out a moan when he is fully seated inside of you and lay your head back, letting your eyes roll to the back of your head.  This felt heavenly.  It was everything you dreamed about.  Aegon had a slight grin appear on his lips at the sight of you.  Oh this is so dangerous.  He might have to sneak into your chambers every night just to be able to sink his cock into your cunt and take his fill.  No matter if you were married to Aemond or not.

“Does this feel good? Hm?” Aegon asks in a breath and licks then nips at your neck.

“Fuck yes.” You whine as his hips pull away.

“That’s it.” Aegon grunts as he thrusts forward and sits up, gripping your waist as he moves inside of you. 

His pace quickened as your body adjusted to him.  Aegon’s grip on your waist was harsh, but his hips were calculated.  Every thrust turned your brain into mush.  His eyes trailed over your body as your breast bounced and your mouth was stuck in the ‘o’ shape.  Each drag of his cock inside of your walls was ecstasy and it was spurring you into another orgasm very soon.  Aegon reached down and wrapped his arms around you, rolling over into a new position.  You were seated in his lap and eagerly started to ride him, throwing your head back at the pleasure of the new angle. 

Aegon moaned loudly and grabbed the back of your head, smashing your lips together in a kiss.  It was messy and hot, tongue and teeth clashing.  The hard earth below gave you the perfect support to ride him intensely and Aegon almost did not believe that this was your first time.  He groaned into the kiss and curled his fingers into your long hair, yanking your head back.  He takes in the saliva dripping from your lips and your flushed skin, smiling at how he is ruining you.  He suddenly realized how close he was.

You were not far behind him.  You close your eyes as you focus on chasing your orgasm.  Aegon’s hands moved to your ass and gripped it harshly, moving your hips to help you ride him.  You look down and cup his cheeks, staring into his eyes.  You watch his face contorted in pleasure as he attempts to maintain eye contact.  It turned you on so much that you could make Aegon feel so good.  You cup his cheeks and cry out, letting him know you were going to come.

“Come on my cock.” Aegon was spiraling with desire which caused him to spank you and you yelp, “I’m going to come so deep inside of you.” He growls.

Your orgasm hits you like a brick and you grab onto Aegon’s shoulders, digging your nails into them.  You felt tears escaping your eyes and Aegon wrapped his arms around your chest, gripping onto you tightly.  You felt so held by him.  He lifted his hips as he spilled inside of you and his face fell into your bosom, weak kisses fell upon your sternum.  The both of you shake and hold onto each other as you come down from your high.   You kiss Aegon’s head and smooth down his hair.

“I love you.” You pant and kiss his head again.

Aegon nuzzled your chest and looked up at you, “do you really?” He asked.

“Wholeheartedly.” You smile exhaustedly.  

Aegon pulled you into another kiss and pushed your hair away from your face.  He pulled away and noticed that the sunrise had begun.  The water now shows reflections of orange and blue.  He looks over to your dragons who were curled up together and not bothered by what the two of you just did.  He looked back to you and once again, ran his knuckles on your cheek.  He was briefly sad because you were not his.  You were Aemond’s.  He chuckles though as you were the one still seated on his cock.

“What is so funny?” You ask in a whisper.

“Nothing, sweet sister.” Aegon shakes his head and lifts a finger to graze down your lips.  “We should head back, hm?” 

You sighed and looked over to your dragons, nodding.  “Perhaps so.”

You stare out of the carriage at King’s Landing.  A black cloak surrounded you and hid your blonde hair, braided so tightly so it would not peek out from underneath the hood.  You turn your head and see Aegon, covered in a similar cloak.  Your hand held your stomach as you looked over at him. Aegon met your gaze and he hated the way you were looking at him.  You looked at him like he was an injured stray cat.  He reached over to grip your chin lovingly and nodded.  That was all he could muster as he still had faint pain all over his body.  You smile weakly and look over at Larys, who returns a polite smile and then stares off into the distance.

You do not want anyone to die, but you knew it was not that simple.  A war was being waged within your family and within your walls.  You worry about your mother, Helaena, Aemond, and Aegon.  You worry about how you are going to manage this pregnancy on the road and hope that you are in Essos by the time you need to give birth.  You worry about your dragon, but pray that she understands that you will return to her.  You look at Aegon’s hand and reach over to grab it, intertwining fingers.  You wanted his reassurance.  All you got was a squeeze in return.  This journey was beyond the two of you.  Your love has nothing to do with this.  Your love will be lost in history, but it is what you know and what you will hold onto.

May the Gods guide us in this journey, you prayed. 

[pressureplus]

hello!! can i pls ask for headcanons or a lil story abt sebastian coping with the loss of expendable reader he had relationship with? like they knew eachother long enough and had a lil sum going, and out of the blue reader gets really hurt and dies in sebs arms (doesn’t come back either like how u would in the game, ik some stories follow that) need that angst !!!

(keep up the amazing work also!! i love ur guys stories and hc :3)

Thank you, all of your support means so much to us, we're so happy you guys like our work!

Anyway, here, have a little angst in the form of some Headcannons! I turned the angst on this one aaaall the way up for you by making you not only a lover, but literally the centerpiece of this man's life, he was OBSESSED and COMPLETELY IN LOVE with you to a crippling extent ❤️

Sebastian Solace Grieving Headcannons

Warnings: Death, Grief, a mention of injury as a metaphor, and the light implications of Suicide

◞꒷◟ ͜ ͜ ◞ྀི◟୨୧◞ྀི◟ ͜ ͜ ◞꒷◟◞꒷◟ ͜ ͜ ◞ྀི◟୨୧◞ྀི◟ ͜ ͜ ◞꒷◟

• When you passed, it didn't feel real to him... It still doesn't.

• You'd been in his arms when it happened, his large, clawed hands clutching you like you were slipping away from him- and you were.

• He had begged you not to leave him here, pleading and bargaining like it might keep the light in your beautiful eyes for a while longer

• But it was to no avail. Now, he is alone.

• He doesn't talk to the expendables anymore, shutting everyone out was the very first thing that he did when he had to wake up in your shared bed by himself that first morning after what had happened

• He knows you wanted him out of here, and it's the only thing that keeps him alive most days

• That and the need to put an end to HADAL the way that it put an end to you.

• He blames the company, yes, and he definitely blames what or who actually killed you, but the rest of that guilt rests on his own shoulders

• "I should have been there... I should have done something to stop it."

• "Why is it I could only cry?"

• "I don't even know what I'm going to do now that you're gone, Y/N..."

• "Please... Please come back?"

• Doesn't see a future for himself anymore, now that he knows what it is to have you in his life, he just doesn't want anything else

• His existence is solely for spite and for vengeance, now, no point in attempting to move on

• Is more aggressive, generally, to an extent he will get hostile with people more often and even become an active threat to anyone that enters the shop without actively purchasing something from him

• The thought he may grow attached to someone again is one that haunts him, he will be having absolutely NONE of that ever again

• He's a broken man

• Sometimes, he dreams that he can hold you the way that he knows you used to like, and he gets to lay in bed when he wakes up remembering how sweet it was to kiss you and how wonderful your laugh used to be

• He'll lay awake and miss you... But the reminiscing is the only time he's even close to happy anymore

• It's an abstract sort of closeness, the comfort he finds in allowing himself to linger in your memory the only real ease that he takes anymore

• It's a fresh wound that he seems to genuinely enjoy leaving to bleed, definitely not a healthy way to brew in his ever growing sorrow

• The long, long months he spends in the Blacksite alone are empty and void of what little life they'd managed to have before. The color in everything is drained out like the hope that he'd managed to hold onto for so long

• When he eventually leaves and leaks the information that actually DOES end up avenging you, he watches HADAL fall to ruin, unable to get their prisoners anymore and unable to continuing to stay upright for it

• Watching that place burn brought him some peace, honestly, but it just wasn't enough. Nothing was ever going to be enough without you

• He only has one thing left to do. He knows there's really only one thing left he can do for you.

• The public will find his body strung over a gravesite with your name on it the very next morning after everything came to it's close on his plans, a bouquet of your favorite flowers, a newspaper with an article on HADAL's corruption on the cover, and whatever little treasures you'd given him over the years in his still, clawed hands

• And for the first time since you left him:

• Sebastian is smiling.

[wyfy-meltdown]

Nagisa has such a complex and emotional backstory (the one presented within Magia Record) and while I love the memes, I'd also love to see her analyzed the same way as the Holy Quintet girls more.

When it comes to Nagisa's relationship with her mother, it is clearly emotionally and verbally abusive in a very realistic way. Nagisa loves her mom. Her mom is still her mom despite everything, and Nagisa wants to love and forgive her. Nagisa also hates her mom; The mom who yells at her, is implied to hit her, and tells her she's wasting money and time. Nagisa tries her best to support and care for her mom despite everything; she acts like a hit dog still coming back to the hitter because it's all she has.

Speaking of dogs, I want to draw parallels between Nagisa and Inui. Kyuubey specifically mentions that another girl in similar circumstances* (*to Nagisa) wished to have the attention of the boy she liked; cut to Inui, who talks to Kyuubey about her worries with the Sleepwalking Ghost and her boyfriend. From this we can guess that Inui is impoverished, has a difficult relationship with her mom, and has the same goal as Nagisa; to be loved in a conditionless way by someone who endlessly hurts them.

Inui is a perfect parallel for Nagisa; Nagisa has become disillusioned with the concept of "love" to the point of viewing all fairytales and stories in a gloomy light; Nagisa has not been loved in the way a child needs to be loved, and so cannot fathom the type of carefree love shown in fairytales. Inui on the other hand is so desperate for the attention and love she hasn't gotten she's gotten into a relationship with (presumably) the first douchebag who showed any kind of interest in her; she craves a fairytale romance and to be swept off her feet by a prince and so in her mind Sho can't be anything but that prince. Both of them cling to their delusions and coping mechanisms while further being hurt by people supposed to love and protect them.

Nagisa resents her mother despite craving her affection; she considers using her wish to make her mom regret being unkind to her (a vengeful fantasy of an abused child [she hopes for an apology and for things to become perfect]) before finally settling on making her mom unknowningly seal her own doom (ie, the cheesecake).

Nagisa's cheesecake is an incredibly important object for both literal and symbolic purposes. She wished for it instead of saving her mother's life; It represents her final revenge against a woman who never treated her kindly. It also represents the unobtainable love Nagisa searches for even as Charlotte; "unable to make the cheese she loves" aka "unable to obtain love". There is a more uplifting (albeit dark) symbolism here too; that being Charlotte's unfortunate decapitation of Mami. Mami, who in Rebellion is Bebe's caretaker and mother figure, is eaten by Charlotte: Mami is the "cheese" Charlotte loves and has finally found.

Nagisa is abandoned by everyone: the only one who hasn't abandoned her is her mother, who is convinced Nagisa will abandon her. They have a vicious cycle of mistrust and dependence. Right before she becomes a witch, Yuu promises "I'll never leave your side"; after taking the only person who never abandoned Nagisa, Yuu promises "I'll never leave your side". Those were some of the last words Nagisa heard: the crippling loneliness, guilt, and betrayal that sunk in is what caused the birth of Charlotte. What makes it worse is those are words Nagisa was likely told by her parents at some point: afterall, parents will say anything to comfort their child, especially before something like hospitalization or leaving the family entirely.

Nagisa is 12 at her oldest possible age and 8 at her youngest possible age. She is a tragic figure on the same level as Sayaka, Kyoko, and Mami. The only true closure we have for her at the moment is her relationship with Mami (and the other Holy Quintet members) in Rebellion.

[sscieloz]

Mystery of Love

Hirai Momo x Member!reader

Synopsis: the group’s comeback is approaching. There’s a full day of shootings waiting ahead of you. You should rest, but you can’t sleep.

Warnings: hurt/comfort. reader talks about her feelings.

Word count: 2.5k

Notes: I AM STILL HERE ! not my best, but still ^^

Pt.1 | Pt.2 | Pt.3 | Pt.4 | Pt.5 | Pt.6 | Pt.7

—

Sometimes your thoughts were so loud inside your head you were sure everyone could hear them too. 

They were constant reminders of how everything was wrong in your life. The way you dealt with your loved ones, your daily routine, the way your brain worked, the words you chose to use in a conversation… everything was just deeply wrong. It was a constant reminder of how much you managed to mess up by just existing.

You could feel the familiar feeling starting to cripple your skin, followed by a million needles poking you at the same time. Yet, you knew that no matter how much you scrubbed, scratched, and hurt yourself, such feelings would never disappear. 

Said knowledge doesn’t keep you from running your nails all over your arms and abdomen, of course. At least the burning sensation was a vivid reminder that you was still hanging on. You were still alive; in Seoul, at the dorms, existing. You were not a ghost, and there was still hope. 

Like a mantra, you whispered the words in the dark, running your hands through your face to calm yourself down. The pressure worked, but that uneasy feeling still lingered, guilt-tripping your guts.

It’s been nearly six months since the episode, shouldn’t you feel any better already? You’ve been following your diet religiously, attending therapy twice a week, and working on reaching out whenever you felt one of your crises coming up— yet it seemed like it was all in vain. Despite all of your efforts, you still felt so wrong. 

How scary is it, to know that the anxiety was carved deep in your bones as part of who you were? 

Terrifying, indeed. 

You’ve done a great job convincing the girls of your progress, reassuring them there was no need to push their first comeback of the year. You told them it was fine to attend photoshoots, rehearsals, mv shootings, and go through promotions without fuss. 

Which was the truth, in a way. The staff were always kind and understanding to you, kind as they encouraged you to take short breaks after every hour or so. You felt seen, along with the strength and protection your unnies provided.

However, going to any pre-recorded events was still something scary. Especially one as important as Music Bank, where Onces would be ogling you with such attentive eyes. Not judging, naturally, but staring with their eyes full of hope… you couldn’t disappoint them, either. Not your fans, who loved you unconditionally, and your sisters, who have been nothing but patient and protective throughout these last months. They’ve done so much for you, who had nothing to give in return. 

Naturally, the girls would understand if you chose to be absent. They’ve told you so repeatedly, reassuring situation is completely understandable and that it’s incredible that you’re even participating in the comeback, but you know how much it hurts them to not be complete as a group. Without you, something is missing, even if it’s hard to understand what you could possibly add to these women, who already have everything. 

Joining them in their comeback was an honor, and you wouldn’t skip it for anything in the world. There’s nothing you wouldn’t do to have your unnies happy. 

The van will pick you up in the morning, so they’re all currently resting. And you’re exhausted— crushingly so, which is an easy thing to notice with no more than a quick look. Your new sleeping pills did not make the bags under your eyes go away, and you’re still bony, a shallow of the smiley, reserved maknae you once were.

Once again, your breaths grow rapidly, the pitch-black ceiling getting smaller with each passing minute, shrinking enough to trap your body inside the walls of your bedroom. You try to control your breathing by taking deep breaths to calm yourself down, just like your unnies usually do. Your apartment is too high up to hear the whistle of the trees or the noise of crickets, but somehow the stars in quiet night are enough. Those same stars, shining so bright in the late hours, remind you so much of the girls whom you share a home and a life with— your most loved ones, your soulmates. Let us in, Y/n, please. Let us help. they begged you, so loud in their silence. It pained them to give you space, as you’re well aware. If they could, they’d just wrap you up in a bubble and protect you from any sorrows. 

If only they could. 

You’re not alone. You don’t have to struggle by yourself. You can come to us.

With that in mind, you drop your covers and leave your bedroom, walking to the corridor in quiet, unhurried steps. It’s only once you reach the third room on the left that your long, delicate fingers brush the door, with barely any force. It opens easily, thanks to their no-locking policy, and you observe the room for a moment before settling in. 

Momo and Nayeon share a bedroom, just like old times. The room is vast— big enough for two queen-sized beds, and visibly messy. Clothes hang everywhere, either on the ground or left in a pile in some of the open drawers. You squint your eyes to adjust yourself to the darkness and notices the nail supplies cluttered on their tea table. Letters, legos, stuffed animals… so many objects that make you nearly lose balance many times, as you make your way to a pitch-black dot lost amidst the thick covers of Momo’s fluffy bed. 

You don’t mind, though. If anything, you find yourself giggling quietly, amused by how the pair had turned the bland room into a home within a few weeks. 

Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for the members to accustomed to living together once again. It had been years since they’d decided to live apart, but your episode had made them make the decision almost immediately. You needed them, so they’d be there for you 24/7, guarding and offering their best support. Sure, your new apartment was much more luxurious and spacious than any of their old dorms, but it was just as cozy and filled with love. 

And you needed that. You didn’t think so, naturally— fiercely advocating against their decision, terrified of making your bandmates change their lifestyle because of yourself, but they gave you no choice. In fact, you felt much like a baby as they moved things over and over, sitting down on the big couch while they did all the boring and hard work. 

It was nice to have the house noisy again, you noted. After so many years of living by yourself, you discovered you liked a little bit of chaos, especially those that came from your loved ones. You needed that. Once again, your unnies proved that they knew you best. 

You moved carefully to not wake Momo up, even though the dancer sleeps like a rock. Lifting the covers, you lowered your body until you were lying down in your unnie’s bed, staring at the older woman’s soft features. 

Momo was perfect in every way, and she was so _strong_, too. Not only with her toned muscles, she was a true pillar, taking care of her members so subtly they barely noticed. They were all drawn to her when things got rough. With her sleepish smile and round eyes, her easy laugh was like a beacon on a heavy storm. Talking to her was not only easy, it felt so freeing. You would always forget about your troubles for a few minutes, whenever they were together.

Without even noticing, your eyes start to water—you were so loved, and what for? What have you done to deserve such a honorable feeling? It’s hard to suppress your hiccups as tears start to water Momo’s pillow. Then, almost instinctively, Momo’s arms are around you, holding and bringing you closer until your noses are nearly touching. 

You focus on Momo’s eyes, which are still only half-open, and on the sounds she makes, purring as she tries to shake the sleep from her body so she can stay awake. Her hand goes to your hair immediately, fingers running through your scalp in circles. The delicate movements of Momo’s fingers differ from your usual clumsiness, but it’s so soothing that you calm down immediately.

“Can’t sleep, baby?” You shake your head at the sound of her raspy voice, with trembling lips. Momo knows the crying will soon get worse if she doesn’t do anything, so she holds you closer, her grip extra strong, “No no, don’t cry. It’s okay, you’re okay… we’ll help you.”

It’s a routine you’re used to, by now. At first, it made Momo nervous to see you in such agony, sobbing so hard you choked over nothing, desperate for air. Then, Mina explained to her that it was a way of releasing the heavy feelings you kept bottled up for so long, which put Momo’s nerves a little bit at ease. Still, it broke her heart to see you hurting. Her sweet little maknae, who’s always been so, graceful, and quiet…

Yet, Momo couldn’t do anything to take all this pain from your chest. She’d take it all in a blink, were that possible. She’d take all of your sorrows and keep them to herself. 

Instead, Momo brushes the wet strands of your hair away from your face, greeting you with a sleepy smile. “Hello, baby girl. Are you nervous about tomorrow?”

Your nod is so subtle Momo finds herself brushing her eyes, wondering if she’d imagined it. There’s a big pause, and the dancer starts to drool as she fights sleep to listen. 

“I…” You speak, and it’s like you’re a trainee all over again: small and anxious and so filled with doubts all you want to do is curl up and disappear forever. You gulp hard to suppress another sob. “I c-an’t do it, unnie. Music bank, tomorrow. I can’t. It’s just, there will be so many people and so many cameras and the fans don’t  know I’m weak, and if I fuck the group’s image once again we’ll never be invited to anything ever and it’s going to be all my fucking faul—" 

You bury your head in Momo’s chest, unable to look at the dancer as you open up your fresh wounds. It hurts to know the amount of hate and backlash they group has gotten because of your scandal. You still didn’t even know who leaked your hospital chart, but JYP did a good work of putting it all under the carpet. And to make all of the denying real, you had to look put together to the public. 

You don’t remember the last time you looked like anything but a crystal piece of art, full of cracks and ready to shatter into a million pieces. 

Lithe fingers touch your skin once again, moving without rush to not startle or overwhelm you. Momo knows what you need: her presence alone is already so comforting. You get a glimpse of her short, black nails as the older girl runs them over your arms, then your torso. 

“Do you want to try mirroring my breathing, baby? You always do it so well.” She asks and you nod immediately. With your face against Momo’s chest, you follow the rhythm of your unnie’s heartbeats, focusing on that alone. “That’s it, dear. Good Job.” 

Everything is suddenly pitch black: there’s only Momo’s loving embrace and the way your bodies are naturally tangled, so close to each other that two become one and your sorrows slowly dissipate amidst the warmth. Love does heal, you’re proof of that. You know so because, even if your progress isn’t nearly as you’d envisioned it, it’s still there. You’re slowly working to recovery, no matter how much your stubborn self denies it. And it’s much due to their help: your bandmates, your loves.

Momo’s thumbs brush your cheeks, washing your tears away as the minutes turn your crying into faint sniffles. “You’ve been so brave, Y/n. I’m serious. All the effort you’ve been pouring into our new comeback… it’s impressive. But please, please know you don’t have to do anything you don’t feel ready to do. We can wait, baby.”

And you knows they won’t pressure you by any means. Although sometimes, you wish they did. 

“I know, it’s just…” You sigh, untangling yourself from Momo so you can press your elbows onto the bed and run your hands all over your face, huffing with frustration. “I want to do it, unnie. I really do. I just don’t want to break in front of everyone and destroy our group’s image.” 

I don’t want to disappoint you again.

That’s what it was. Frustrating and tiring, to feel so unsure over something you’ve done a thousand times before.

“Y/n, look at me.” The dancer’s tone is imposing, so commanding you have no choice but to oblige immediately. “You’re the strongest person I know, and I admire you so much. We see you trying every day, baby, and it’s where we find our strength, too,” She adds, just as quietly, “On seeing you try. It makes me— makes us try to be better every day, too. For you. We love you, so much. And if it’s what you want to do, we’ll be with you every second of it.” 

How could you inspire them? It doesn’t seem possible. Not when you’re so weak, vulnerable and a complete mess. Your unnies are all so graceful and certainly much better at everything they do. You don’t understand Momo’s words, but it’s late, and you’re too tired to ask. So you simply nod, trying hard not to pout. 

It’s a different kind of sadness, one of not being able to give what your unnies so desperately want. The hopelessness is carved so deep in your bones you can’t do anything but sigh, shuffle, and turn until you’re staring at the ceiling and your hands are hidden under the covers, so Momo doesn’t notice how much they tremble.

“You can’t give me what I need.” You can’t fix what’s broken inside. You want to scream. I think I can’t, either.

“I can’t. I’m sorry for that.” She stops, staring down at you. Her dark orbs are filled with nothing but the purest form of love as she kisses your forehead and whispers, because it’s just the two of you together and the night is quiet, ever so private. “But I can love you.”

Those same loving arms evolve you again, and no more words are spoken. You don’t need to say anything else— no words suffice, not in any language. For now, Momo and you grow content falling asleep together, soothed by each other’s breathing and the promise of taking one step at a time. 

In Momo’s arms, you feel safe, respected, and loved. You fall asleep thinking you might be able to go through all of this, as long as you’re together.

[kenmakodz]

CANDID LOVE ˙✧˖📷

07. i hate men (except you two) ☆

writing in-between cuts!

yuuta practically flies to where his friends are, feeling horrible after seeing maki's tweet. he really does make them wait forever sometimes. it's not his fault! he just.. looses track of time... all the time.

"ah, the man of the hour finally arrives." maki teases, sitting up from the bench her and toge were sitting on. out of all his breath, yuuta bends over with his hands on his knees. "yes. here i am, heaving, because you two rushed me." a laugh rises from the boy beside him, paired with a small push. "isn't being dramatic my thing?"

the three begin walking, and yuuta feels as if the whole time, maki's eyes are burning holes into his side. he tries to ignore it until he cant anymore- eventually curiosity (and anxiety) gets the best of him. "why are you staring so much?" he asks, and notices as soon as he turns his head to her, suddenly her eyes are fixated on the sidewalk in front of them instead. she sighs, "i'm just shocked you didn't invite y/n, i was kinda hoping you would ask if she could come." yuuta stays silent, utterly confused. was it wrong to not invite her? i mean, we all consider her a friend- but by the way maki worded her text, it seemed like she didn't want her to come..? toge chimes in, realizing yuuta doesn't know what to say next. "yeah, last night, her and nobara were conspiring on the phone about this for like.. hours. you were supposed to invite her, and we were supposed to leave you two alone after a while" now, yuuta is even MORE confused. but, at least he conveys it in words this time. "what? why? i would've invited her, but it seemed like you didn't want her to come!" toge turns around to maki, giving her the most intense 'i told you so' look he's ever given. she brushes him off with a click of her tongue, despite knowing he's right. the rest of maki's words resonate in yuuta's head, and he continues. "also- what do you mean leave us alone?" maki sighs again, and yuuta wishes he could ignore the feeling of guilt pooling inside of him. they had a whole plan, and he'd ruined it. even more so, he unknowingly left out the girl he'd wanted to be with the most. "we're trying to get you to confess having a crush on her already." she says, in a matter-of-fact manner. yuuta scoffs at this point, already feeling like he'd ruined the whole night. "i don't need you guys to conspire for me. if i ever decide to confess to her, i will. getting us alone won't help either-- i was alone with her last night and still had crippling anxiety." the two friends laugh, and practically shrug it off.

"...did i do the wrong thing by not inviting her?"

"yeah, but it's okay."

the facetime call clicks on, and immediately yuuji's voice chimes through. "y/n!!" you laugh, setting your phone up next to you in a way that your friends can see your face. the next person to join the call was nobara, and you can tell she's fresh out of the shower. her hair is wet, and her camera is slightly blurry- from steam, you assume. "what's up bitches! yuuji, are you setting up the server?" an affirmative hum comes from the other end of the line, indicating that he is. nobara's phone gets noticeably closer to her face, and you can only feel like she's examining you.

...of course she is. "y/n, are you alright?" you nod, and smile back at your phone. "i'm okay, nobara. it's really not that big of a deal. they're just going downtown, and like megumi said, they were all friends before i came here." you notice yuuji's face starts to soften from the focused one he had on beforehand, seemingly feeling bad for you, yet not saying anything. she sighs, and puts her phone down to rub a towel through her hair. her voice echoes a bit due to her being far away. "you know, though. last night, maki and i made this big plan for yuuta to invite you out with them. i have no idea what happened to it." before you can respond, the sound of megumi joining the call resonates throughout everyones phones. it gives you a split second to feel an uncertain feeling run through your stomach. "do you think.. she told him about it?" you think out loud at this point, knowing your friends would never judge how you feel. "she very well could have, and he could've hated the idea of it." nobara's head shakes aggressively, and water droplets fly all over the camera. "shit! no- no, y/n. no way she told him, he was supposed to do it on his own accord. i guess he fucked up, i'm sure maki has told him now though." you scoff, "how is that supposed to make me feel better though?! that just means he wasn't even thinking about it." a long groan comes from the other girl once again, and she picks up her phone- her whole face filling the screen. if you weren't upset, you'd be laughing at the sight. "if what i hear from maki is the truth, this guy is literally whipped for you. you have nothing to worry about, he's just an idiot." she puts her phone down again, and walks off to most likely put her towel away. the call goes silent, and to the other two boys, it's obvious you're thinking to yourself. her and maki talk about me and yuuta? well, i'd be surprised if they didn't, but they think he likes me back? there's no way in hell he does if he forgot about me. you put your head in your hands, and now it's your time to groan. except, instead of an annoyed one, it comes out as frustrated and lovesick. "i hate men." you mutter, words muffled by your palms. both yuuji and megumi chime in with a synchronized "hey!" which makes you laugh, pulling your head up. "except for you two."

after playing for what seems like a few hours, a disconnection sound turns everyone's attention back to their phones. "who the hell disconnected?" nobara asks, grabbing her phone at the same time as you. yuuji gasps and begins typing rapidly. "it was megumi!"

you and nobara give eachother a knowing look, before you realize there are unchecked notifications on your phone. "oh, guys- yuuta texted me." your voice seems soft, but not upset. nobara hums, "what did he say?" the sound of phones chiming over the call seems to be her answer, you'd sent a screenshot of it. "i don't think i'm going to answer him.. not right now."

fun facts -> yuuta paced around his room, wondering whether or not he should ask maki if y/n could come. her text seemed passive-aggressive, but he could've just been overthinking it. he ultimately decided against it (despite really wanting her to be there), because he didn't want to make his friends uncomfortable. toge knewwww yuuta would do this after maki sent her text, and tried to convince her to just invite y/n herself. but, being her stubborn self, she didn't. drats!! foiled again :/

-> i hope there isn't too much writing...... but anyways ! miscommunication &lt;3

previous, masterlist, next [08. grow some balls!!]

taglist is open! @just-a-girlblogger @moryymor @swissy23 @hvnyacoded @sereniteav @k4romis @jayathelostdragon @h3rmess @olivandeee @lysaray @ari3000dontcare @raechu11 @marifujioka @nyxlai @sonicsolos @saltypuffin1040 @r0ckst4rjk @h8ani @lmaolmaolmao @maya-maya-56 @mittensdun @adrenova @pnkblueberry @morgyyyyyyy @chososwh0r3 @lunecqm @r4veeen @arivsx @levlucs-kiru @mellozhi @sad-darksoul @ichorstainedskin

if you are in bold, i am unable to tag you :( and if i forgot to add you, PLEASE YELL AT ME

⤷ © kenmakodz

[unsiredtribrid]

This scene is so interesting to me because there's more than one reason why Hope said this:

like I think part of it is that Hope is still protecting them even with her humanity off. She's pushing MG, trying to get him to actually fight her so that she knows he'll be 'strong' enough to do whatever he needs to do to protect them while she's gone.

But the other part of it is almost a cry for help. Hope put that sword through Landon because she didn't want anyone else to die, including their friends. She has crippling abandonment issues and has always struggled with feeling alone, so killing Landon is even harder for her than it would be for the average person. And that's already pretty hard as is, because someone killing their boyfriend is insane, so. That would actually break people and traumatize them beyond repair, but she did it to save everyone else. This is the big issue that's always talked about in superhero genres-- do you save the lives of many, or the life of one (the person you love)?

She even has regrets and guilt about doing it, which haunts her when she's struggling with her humanity. But more than anything, she felt alone when she did it. No one was there to support her while she was killing Landon. People around her don't seem to acknowledge how specifically difficult it was for her to kill Landon and what that pain is like, so she's pointing it out right now to MG by reminding him that that's why she's here. That's why her humanity is off. She couldn't take it anymore when she had to do that. It was the final straw on the camel's back when she'd had the weight of the world on her shoulders for her entire life already.

[albertasunrise]

Hope - No Hope

Masterlist

Summary: After Joel loses his wife and your best friend during childbirth. You support him as he takes on parenthood on his own at 22. But when feelings start to develop, you battle with the guilt you feel for falling for your best friend’s husband.

Relationships: Joel Miller x Reader

Warnings: Like AO3 I choose to give none. Read at own risk. 18+… this is to avoid spoilers! (I am so sorry this has taken so long. As many of you know I am expecting my first baby and the little miracle has been draining the lift out of me 😂 but I am getting over that now and so I will be updating my fics over the coming weeks 🥰 hope you enjoy!)

Series Masterlist - Part 1, Part 2

One year later...

Weekends at yours with Alec grilling had become a tradition. Noah and Sarah still adored each other and were practically joined at the hip at this point. You'd been with Alec for over a year. Moving it with each other not long after getting together Joel had been left to try and pull himself out of the dark hole your leaving him and Sarah had left him in. Yet, despite the crippling jealousy that he felt towards the other man for capturing your heart, he could not hate him. Alec was the perfect gentleman. You and he flourished together and helped Joel whenever he needed it. It was impossible to be anything but happy for you both. 

"Sarah come." Said Noah as he took her hand and helped her waddle over to his jungle gym "Play princesses." 

Joel watched with fondness as his 18th-month daughter walked with the little boy, her legs still a little wobbly but getting stronger every week. He kept an eye on them both whilst listening in to the conversation that was flowing between the adults. Tommy laughed as he told them a story about one of his friends, the older brother smiling at how enthusiastically his brother spoke about his brothers in arms. 

"How's work been for you Joel?" You asked, pulling his gaze away from the kids and towards you as you smiled sweetly at him. 

"Business is good." Joel answered with a shrug "Can't complain really." 

"How did your date with that client's daughter go?" Tommy asked as he gave his brother a wink. 

"You had a date?" You practically squeaked, looking between the two brothers with giddy excitement. 

"Was fine." Joel shrugged "She was sweet but we just didn't click." Joel shrugged, looking down at the beer in his hand in hoping that you would drop it. 

"What really happened?" You pushed and he sighed, there was no hiding anything from you. 

"She uh... Well, she freaked out when I told her I had a kid." He answered honestly "Can't blame her. I'm 22 with a toddler. Not exactly what you expect or what from a relationship in your early twenties." 

"Joel..." 

"It's fine... Honestly, what 20-something What's a kid right?" 

Your mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. Unable to find the words to say to make him feel better. He was so young and yet he seemed so set that he was to face life alone. 

"Foods up" Stated Alec as he placed the plate of burgers down beside the salad you'd placed there a few minutes ago.

"KIDS." Joel shouted, smirking when just their heads appeared in the doorway of the fort "FOOD!" he finished, outright smirking at how their eyes widened before they scrambled over to the table. 

Lunch passed with ease. Noah found it exceedingly funny how his little friend pulled her burger apart so that she could eat it all in separate pieces. Then after the dishes were cleared away and the kids were out down for a nap the four of you sat in the garden and enjoyed the piece and quiet. The conversation flowed easily and everything was relaxed. 

Until you and Alec dropped your news. 

"We're real glad that the two of you were able to make it." Alec said as he glanced at you and smiled. 

"Why's that?" Tommy asked as he eyed you and Alec. 

"Well, we got some news." 

Joel's stomach dropped. 

"Y'all getting married?" Tommy fired at them and they chuckled.

"No... Although we have been discussing it." Alec chuckled. 

"What is it then?" Tommy pushed and Joel wished his brother wouldn't. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. 

"We're gonna have a baby." You gushed and Joel swore his heart stopped altogether.

"What?" 

Your brows pulled together at his question and he internally scorned himself for his reaction. He hadn't meant to say that out loud but he couldn't believe what he was hearing. 

You were pregnant? 

"What my brother meant to say was congrats." Tommy piped up, pulling Joel back to earth with a crash. 

"Yeah... Course I did... just caught me by surprise is all." Joel stated, giving you what he hoped was a convincing smile. 

"Yeah... we uh..." Alec chuckled as you both gazed at each other a moment and grinned "We were too. Would be lying if we said we planned this." 

That didn't make Joel feel any better. 

"We have one too many bottles of wine to thank for this." You sniggered as you placed your hand on the bump that Joel had completely missed before. 

"Well, we already know you're both gonna be ace parents." Tommy said as he jumped to his feet, bending down to hug both you and Alec. 

Joel's heart was in his throat. He had worked so hard to bury his feelings for you but this news had just dredged them from the depths and shoved them in his face. He felt like he was under a spotlight as you all turned to look at him, waiting for him to speak. Sarah crying down the baby monitor couldn't have come at a better time. 

The tearful daddies had him standing from his seat quickly and muttering a few nervous sorry's before he sprinted inside to his daughter. You couldn't help but be confused by Joel's reaction to your news. You'd thought he would be happy for you. 

Meanwhile, Joel was rocking his sniffly little girl as she settled in his arms, placing soft kisses on her head of curly hair as he whispered how it was okay to her whilst swallowing back his own tears. He soothed his little girl back to sleep, laying her back down in her cot before stumbling back onto the couch behind him, falling into it and throwing his head in his hands as he allowed his tears to flow. 

Something you watched from the shadows as your heart shattered for him. You weren't sure why he was so broken but you hated seeing him hurt. Little did you know that he was mourning the fact that you were completely and utterly lost to him now. He officially had no hope of sharing his life with the woman who had pulled him from the deepest pit and brought him into the light. The woman who had taught him that life was worth living. 

That everyone has a second chance at love.

...

Tommy watched his brother from the kitchen as the man finished cleaning away the mess Sarah had left from dinner. They had left a short while after you and Alec had made your announcement, Joel remaining quiet the rest of the time they were there. He knew something was up. His brother wasn't good at hiding his true feelings, he wore them on his sleeve and he felt conflicted about his sibling's reaction to your pregnancy. Part of him felt for Joel. Knowing that for longer than his older brother had realised, he'd had feelings for you and how this bombshell must have shattered him. The other part though was angry that Joel hadn't even tried to pretend that he was happy for you. 

"Joel." He called out when his brother's cleaning got more erratic "Joel!" He said a little louder when his first call fell on deaf ears. 

"What." The older man growled, coming to a stop and gripping the edges of the counter as he stared at the bottles now soaking in the sink. 

"You could have been nicer about her news." He said plainly, pulling Joel's gaze to him. 

"What?" He asked again, but his tone changed. 

"I get that you're probably feeling a bit bummed about this but-" 

"Bummed?" Joel snarled, stopping his brother in his tracks "You think I'm feeling bummed about this?"

"You know what I mean... I get you're disappointed but you could have at least pretended to be happy for her." 

Joel said nothing. 

His chest heaved as his brother's words whirled in his brain. Bummed... he thought to himself. BUMMED?? He hadn't meant to yell that last thought at his brother. 

"I am fucking devastated." Joel choked, taking his brother by surprise "A year and a half ago... I lost my wife on what should have been the happiest day of my life." 

Tommy flinched at the mention of Joel's dead wife. 

"I drove home alone... with this tiny person beside me and I honestly thought that my life was over..." He trailed off as he scraped a shaky hand over his face "And then I walk into that very lounge and there's this ray of light shining back at me. 

"She pulled me back from the brink and despite my brain telling me it was wrong... I fell for her. But my wife had just died and I had a new baby so I pushed it away... Pushed her away..." Joel was sobbing now, his cheeks glittering with the tears that tracked down them "I pushed her away and she stumbled into the arms of another man. A man that I can't even hate because he's so fucking perfect for her!" 

"But you are-"

"I'm a fucking wreck, Tommy." Joel interrupted "I am nothing but bad for her and my feeling devastated about her happy news just proves that." 

"Joel..." Tommy trailed off, his heart aching for his older brother now. 

"I fucked up." He finished, shrugging and leaving the room. 

As the weather grew a little more changeable, dinners at your home became more scarce. Instead, you had started to have Sarah over for a few hours in the evening as Joel's hours had gotten longer. He never stuck around when collecting her though and you knew he was avoiding you. You hadn't pushed the subject of witnessing him crying. You'd barely mentioned the pregnancy around him in the short moments you did share any conversation. One month merged into two. Two into three and you felt him grow more and more distant with each one. 

You ached to talk to him though. To try and understand why your happy news had affected him the way it had. You wondered if perhaps it had brought up the hurt of losing Ali. They had broken the news to you in a similar way. Dinner at there's with you and a few other close friends, they had announced that they were expecting. Perhaps it had brought up memories and feelings he'd not dwelt on for a while. 

He never gave you a chance to find out though. You would share a few words. Mostly about what Sarah had been up to at nursery and with you before discussing what she had for dinner and any other days he may need you to have her. Your friendship had become little more than a business transaction and it was breaking your heart... And Alec could see how much it was breaking you. 

He only allowed one more month of this to continue before he finally decided that enough was enough. 

...

Joel glanced up at the door, glancing at Tommy before pushing himself to his feet and walking up to answer it. He had no clue who would be at his door at 9 in the evening but if he had hazard a guess, he wouldn't have ever thought it was Alec. 

"Hey." Alec said as he gave the man a smile "Hope I'm not interrupting." 

"Tommy and I were just watching the game." Joel replied and Alec nodded "What can I do for you?" He asked as he glanced over the man's shoulder "Everything okay?" 

"Oh yeah." Alec nodded, giving Joel's arm a friendly pat "I just thought you and I could go for a drink. Catch up... It's been a while." 

"Oh, I don't know... Sarah-" 

"Can be sat by her uncle Tommy for a few hours." Piped up his younger sibling as he walked up behind him "Go, I can handle shit here for a while." 

"You referring to it as shit doesn't give me much confidence." Joel grumbled as he grabbed his jacket and followed Alec to his car "Page me if you need me." He threw over his shoulder as he turned his head to look at his brother who was waving him off from the front door. 

"Won't need ya, brother." 

...

Alec drove to a bar not far from Joel's. It was fairly busy but not so much so that they couldn't hear each other talk. The conversation had flowed surprisingly easily at first. Something that Joel had always admired about Alec was that the man loved to talk about his kid. He sat there and gushed about how well Noah and Sarah played together. How she seemed to hang off of his every action. 

"He's constantly talking to baby." Alec chuckled "Telling her all the games he wants to play and-" 

"Her?" Joel piped up and Alec grinned and nodded "Shit... yeah I wasn't supposed to say anything." He let out an awkward chuckle as he took a sip of his beer "We're having a girl." 

"Wow, that's... That's great." Joel replied, his tone turning flat as he took a large swig of his beer in the hope that it would mask his disappointment. 

"Yeah... We're excited." 

"I bet." 

An awkward silence fell over the duo a moment before Alec spoke again. Leaning forward in his chair and forcing himself into Joel's eyeline. 

"What's going on man?" He asked and Joel was surprised at how surprisingly soft his question was.

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean that since we announced that we're having a baby you've been off." He stated plainly "I've been watching you break your friend's heart month by month as you grow more and more distant with her." 

"Alec-" Joel was stopped by a raised hand and he sighed. 

"I know our news must have dredged up some memories for you but you can't push your friends away." Alec pleaded "We're here to help you, Joel." 

"That's not... It didn't..." Joel couldn't string the words together but Alec knew what he was trying to say. 

"Well if it isn't that... the only other logical reason for your reaction is that you're..." He trailed off as he put two and two together. His eyes trailing up to Joel as the last puzzle piece falls into place. 

"You're in love with her... Aren't you?" 

Joel's eyes filled with tears as he nodded numbly. His eyes squeezed shut knocking a few of them free. Alec sat there in shock as he processed what he'd just learned. Joel's heart was in his throat as he watched the man work through everything he needed to. He had hoped that he would take this secret to his grave but in reality, he knew it had only been a matter of time before it came out. 

"Alec I'm sorry..." Joel choked, his eyes pleading with the man to believe him "I had feelings for her way before she met you but I was struggling with losing Ali and the fact I'd developed feelings for someone so soon after that I suppressed them and pushed her away and then she met you and I... Well, I was too late. You're good for her and I would never get in the way of you guys I just... I'm not good at handling this." 

This statement made Alec snort. He finally looked at Joel and the younger man readied himself for the verbal bashing he was undoubtedly about to receive. It never came. 

"I won't lie to you, man." Alec started with a sigh "This is not what I expected when I decided we needed to talk." 

Joel nodded, his eyes dropping to his beer bottle. 

"You need to buck up your ideas now though man." The man continued "She needs you... She needs Sarah. You're all she has left of Ali and she's been slowly killing herself trying to work out what she did wrong to make you so distant." 

"I didn't mean to hurt her." Joel mumbled and Alec nodded.

"I know man and I get why you've been behaving as you have. It's not gonna be easy learning the woman you love is having a baby with another man but we are your friends Joel and we can help you get through this. So let us." 

Joel nodded and gave the man a teary smile. 

They finished their beers before heading out of the bar and back to Alec's car. Joel had always admired the man's car. A black 66' Mustang that he had rebuilt with his dad as a kid. Alec had regaled the story fondly the first time Joel had set eyes on the car. 

"Wanna drive?" Alec asked as he waved the keys at Joel. 

The man's eyes widened as he nodded eagerly and Alec grinned as he tossed them to Joel as they swapped sides. To say Joel was excited did not do what he was feeling justice. He had been trying to think of a way to ask the man if he could take it for a spin since he met him, so to finally get the chance was beyond exciting. 

The straight six sitting under the bonnet roared to life and Joel and Alec both groaned before the younger man peeled out of the carpark and onto the main road. No words passed between them a while before Alec rolled his head to look at his friend, smiling at the giddy excitement plastered all over Joel. 

"I'm sorry you've been hurting man." He said simply "I want you to know that I genuinely care about you and I don't want to see you suffer." 

Joel shot him a smile, before returning his focus to the road. 

"We'll work this shit out." He finished, giving Joel's knee a friendly pat before turning his attention to the buildings that flew past his window. 

"Thank you." Joel said as he smiled over at Alec, his eyes then greeting the headlights of a truck that had just jumped a light. 

It was the last thing he said before the sound of metal being crushed rang in their ears. 

Then everything went black. 

Next

For updates follow @albertasunrise-ficsblog

[hexesandroses]

Sorry if I sound corny but number 77 with Dottore for the drabble list??

Nothing corny about it! :) this turned out way longer than I anticipated, but I hope it's to your liking <3

drabble list

77. There is nothing wrong with you

You were exhausted.

The days blended into one as you spent hours upon hours at your desk, eyes glued to the ample paperwork that needed to be dealt with. Your rationality told you that you were going about this the wrong way; skipping meals and losing sleep over work never did you good, and though the stars had shown you the consequences of those actions numerous times, you never learned your lesson.

It became increasingly difficult to focus. Your mind demanded rest but you refused to oblige. Your calloused fingers hurt from holding a pen for so long; your thoughts were in disarray, mind clouded by exhaustion; your body felt weaker than ever before and sitting upright was a challenge in and of itself.

You couldn't stop, though. There were so many things that demanded your attention, so many deadlines that worsened your anxieties. If you couldn't finish all your tasks in time, then what were you good for?

Still, you wanted rest so badly. When was the last time you'd slept well? When did you last play chess with Zandik, just as you used to do every day? You ached with a desperate desire for tranquility but even that was overtaken by your crippling fear of failure.

All of which Zandik noticed. He made an attempt at pulling you away from your desk one night: with a hand placed on your shoulder, he said, "you can't go on like this any longer. Come to bed."

And you'd rejected him, swatted his hand away and told him not to distract you - he didn't bother you again after that.

Until he found you hunched over your journal deep into the night. Your mind didn't register his voice until he came to stand right next to you.

Zandik called your name softly, "you can't do this to yourself."

"I'm just working."

"Work can wait. When was the last time you slept?"

Your fingers gripped the pen tighter. It hurt so badly.

"Yesterday, I think."

You wondered if he was disappointed in you. Were you too slow, had you failed to meet his expectations?

Zandik caressed your hair with his ungloved hand and you nearly recoiled at the feeling of it; you couldn't remember the last time you bathed. You must have looked dreadful - a shell of a human being, beyond unrecognizable.

"Your body needs rest," he murmured, "this has gotten out of control. Your health, both physical and mental, will be beyond saving if you continue at this rate."

You gritted your teeth. "I feel fine. I'll be done soon, anyway."

"How soon?"

"Soon. In a few hours- or days, it doesn't matter. Soon."

Zandik exhaled softly. He was disappointed - you knew it. You had failed him and proven yourself to be unworthy of all attention - a failure of a partner, of a human being.

"I don't recall the last time I saw you eat a proper meal," he broke you out of your thoughts. You didn't dare to look at him; your shame was far too great. "Look at yourself. You haven't left this study in so long; Columbina asks me about you every day."

"She'll manage without me."

"And I?"

The question made you droop your head. Zandik never spoke of his affection for you aloud - you could see all of it in his actions: his devotion, care, desire. The innocent implication of his words evoked guilt, sadness, among so many other complicated feelings that you couldn't put a name to.

"I really, really need to finish this, Zandik-"

"I miss you," he said, so easily that it made your heart ache with longing. You'd missed him, too; spending your days without feeling his touch, hearing his never-ending rants about whatever research he was engrossed in - you wilted without Zandik near.

You were hesitant to look at him. Something told you that you would cave and abandon your work if you did.

"This needs to be dealt with, Zandik. If I don't do it now, I'll never... I have to."

Or I'll feel like a failure. The words lay on the tip of your tongue but you were careful not to voice them.

Zandik's hand moved down to the nape of your neck. Had you been any weaker, you would have leaned against him, given up on your futile efforts to prove your worth to... him? Yourself?

"You're overworking yourself," Zandik whispered, "even I know not to take things so far and you have seen how I can get when something catches my interest."

You huffed bitterly, turning your head in the opposite direction lest he catch sight of the tears that welled in your eyes. "How do you not understand? I'm not overworking myself - I've barely managed to get anything done today. No matter what I try, I just can't do it. I have to, I know I have to, but I can't and it's ruining everything."

Frustration bubbled in your chest. Archons, you were so tired. The temptation to give up was strong, but how would you face yourself? Zandik? How could you rest after resigning yourself to failure?

"You need a break," Zandik murmured, his tone laced with sympathy, "take the day off tomorrow, and I will help you with whatever else is left."

"I can't."

"Why?"

The words came out shakily, "I'll feel wrong. I already do."

Tears spilled from your eyes before you could stop them; it was too much. You felt exhausted, burdened by the weight of your own pressure, and continuing to pretend that it didn't bother you felt impossible. Your dignity was all but crushed in the palm of your hand as Zandik crouched and pried your hands from your face.

Everything hurt so badly: your head, neck, hands, every part of your body ached and begged for relief. Your heart filled with something heavy and you lacked the tools to get rid of it. When did this strange feeling take root in your chest? When was the last time that you felt right?

"I don't know how to deal with it," you whined, "I've tried so hard but nothing works. I'm just wrong. I can't do it."

You could hear Zandik's breath hitch through your cries.

"Look at me," he said - a command. His hands cupped your face and beckoned you to meet his gaze. Your sight was blurry, but you could just barely make out his soft, cyan hair, a pair of ruby eyes overflowing with a wistful feeling you couldn't comprehend.

"There is nothing wrong with you."

Gingerly wiping your tears away, he continued, "I know what it is like to feel inherently terrible and to not have someone who could prove you wrong. But you have me." And why would he say that so softly? You furrowed your brows as more tears pooled in your eyes - but Zandik didn't mind. He kept wiping at your eyes as if he could quell the turmoil within your heart with just a touch. "I will show you that you are good; that you are capable, determined, worthy. You don't have to do this by yourself, my dear."

You all but softened against him. Resting your forehead against his own, you allowed Zandik to take care of you in a way that he hadn't in so long. Frustration gave way to acceptance and you exhaled shakily when he pressed his lips to your cheeks - a soothing thing.

"I will help you in any way that I can," he added, "Omega will handle my work for the time being."

"I missed you," are the only words that you could speak, and Zandik accepted them with a soft, barely noticeable smile.

"I know. I'm here. You will be alright; this, too, shall pass with time."

You found that notion to be a little more believable, now.

[call-me-liquid]

Okay, to the anon who sent me the breakdown of what happened to Liquid Lily:

Thank you for the write up. I do appreciate you filling me in. But I'm going to use this as a chance to address the ground rules of how we address Courtney going forwards on this blog.

Let me be perfectly clear here:

Courtney's behavior as of late has been very upsetting. To me, to many of you, yes. I have very much privately expressed my own thoughts, feelings and frustrations on the matter in more private settings. There's no sneaky shade here, everything I've said I'd be more than willing to say to her face. I'll send her screenshots myself of everything I've said if she so requests it. I'm not here to gossip and bitch and not stand by it when confronted.

And Courtney on the off chance you're reading this, on the off chance you give a shit what I think of you and want to hash it out, my DMs are still as open to you as they have ever been. I'm not going to be brow-beaten because you don't agree with my perspective on things, I'm not interested in a pointless back and forth, but any concern you have with my presence in this cursed space I am always willing to hear you out on. The offer will always be there if you want me to signal boost something you want out there, of what little I can. It doesn't have to be a whole thing.

I'm also not going to wag my finger and tisk tisk on anyone else sharing their thoughts on Courtney's behavior. Nor do I want anyone to think I'm implying Courtney deserves to be coddled and babied because she's too fragile to handle people criticizing her.

With all that said. . .

Courtney will remain a no-poop-touching subject here on this blog. Obviously, she exists, bring her up when relevant, but we are going to refrain from name-calling and casting judgment. We are not making jokes now at Courtney's expense. We are not psychoanalizing her, speculating, making a circus side show. I will bring her up or respond to asks aboit her if I feel it's appropriate, relevant, or necessary.

Here's the thing gents:

Courtney and I have had some very similar life experiences. I'm not going to pretend to know her whole truth or suggest I'm an authority on her because of that, but. I know for me, having gone through what I did didn't help me become the most pleasant person on God's green earth either.

I never intended to hurt anyone, but I did. I have. I am very aware I have the capacity to do so again if I don't keep myself in check. I take full responsibility for the ways I have absolutely set bonds with friends, family and lovers on fire before. I hate it, I feel the full weight of that guilt to this day, but it's better to accept it and do what I have to to be better than pretend I'm a Saint. I've been told by people in flesh space and online how much they appreciate how "level-headed" I am. There isn't any kind of trickery afoot, I learned the hard way one too many times the cost of me not managing myself appropriately. I've put in the work to learn, and even then it's not like there's zero chance I won't eat shit and have a public meltdown caught in 4k. I hope that doesn't happen, lord knows I'm doing what I can to mitigate that risk-- but if it does all I can do is take the L and try to do what I can to fix it. I'm always hopeful the people in my life will forgive me-- and I'm thankful most do. But some don't, and I understand why. Some do, but it's better for both of us if we give each other a wide birth. Being a big boy do be like that sometimes.

And to be frank, if my abuser became an internet lolcow you couldn't fucking pay me to engage or come forwards. All of Lily's known victims are much braver than me. There's always going to be this extremely isolating disconnect when it comes to passive observers engaging with your abusers shitty behavior and you. The deep, crippling, profound panic and imminent sense of heightened danger is never going to feel the same. You might as well be on a different fucking planet, no matter how empathetic or accommodating they are. I can all but 100% garentee the histrionic way I'd be acting wouldn't paint me in a flattering light either.

I've heard some concerning information on some of the things that might be going on in Courtney's life right now. I trust the source it came from but have no way to verify if it's true. If Courtney publically confirms it I'll consider adding my two cents, having had lots of experience with what may be going on. Not that it justifies her actions, again, just very much contextualizes it.

I will say, I do think the sentiment of Courtney's frustration is more than valid-- I just think she made a lot of very poor decisions in who she directed those feelings at, then escalated things far beyond reason. I also empathize with her frustration over everyone and their mom telling her to log off because she's having an episode. I can tell you from my experience I would not respond well to anyone but a very close, trusted person in my life telling me that regardless of whether or not it was true. I've also seen plenty of OTHER dickweeds call Courtney "damaged goods" and the like all over the internet so I really don't blame her for shadowboxing ghosts now over it. You know who you are.

Being a victim doesn't make you incapable of harm or absolve you of personal responsibility. Lily's the fucking poster child for that.

The thing is, within reason, I believe in giving people a healthy amount of space to be messy bitches. Glass houses. It's one thing for me to comment on Courtney somewhere where there's little to no chance people will see it without context, it's totally different for me to put it out there in a space anyone can see it without knowing what went down.

Anon, I'm not scolding you, but I'm going to ask you be careful where and how you describe Courtney in the future publically. The last thing she needs is for more people to treat her like her trauma isn't relevant-- and unfortunately people routinely do expect victims to be perfect little angels. I'm not going to risk putting Courtney in the line of fire for that kind of behavior.

Thank you for your understanding.

[adhd-fandom-hyperfocus]

✧₊⁺ Of Fatherhood And Dreams Not Spoken ✧₊⁺

Pairing: Roboute Guilliman x OC (Astraea)/ Khan is in this. It's mostly him and Roboute talking.

Author's Note: Because I'm terrible at writing a story proper. I rather just write drabbles from the overall plot I have in mind. That being said this overall plot I have named "Wisdom in the Stars". And here are some key things to note for this overarching story:

This is all very self-indulgent and I will not apologize. If the Grimdark can be extra, so can I!

Bobby G's love interest is a xenos of my making, so they are as long-lived as him, but not a perpetual.

Again mad self-indulgent. Oozing copium by the ton

Rowboat Guillotine deserves a happy life and some damn peace

So many Primarchs are going to be back in some drabbles. Again no fucks given

Proofread? Never heard of her

I like saying Roboute's name wrong as a means of affection.

Warnings: Slight nsfw at the end. Talks of pregnancy, children, and kinks of the breeding variety.

18+ ONLY

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

There were oh so many things he's done that made those words that thundered in his head in a cacophonic choir ring true. Tool. Betrayer. Theif. Why did he focus on those? Perhaps deep down he knew them to be true.

He wanted to be a good son, and he was to his parents. But to his creator? The one that called him his last hope? Even now with all that was accomplished, he wasn't so sure. An effective tool? That he was.

Oh, how that was the crux of this all now. Because something was breaking. Had been for so long. The strict need to follow His every word, every teaching to the letter had long started to crumble. To this point, he could justify it. Excuse himself. But this?

Vibrant blue eyes that had started to have a light behind them, a sign of the better times he was in, gazed down at the dataslate. The message he was reading was still open, not that he needed to read it again. The words burned into his mind. Screamed of his selfishness and brought the crippling fear he might fall like the one before him that wanted such heretical things for himself.

The wrestling of what parts of him were human had never been so hard. Basic human needs were beyond him. At least he believed that. But since his revival and she walked into his life...Why hadn't the Emperor made them machines?

His gaze moved again, this time back to the garden in which he sat, relaxing of sorts. Something he was learning to do. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not yet. She was playing with some children of her maidens. The laughter of the little ones made him impossibly light and much larger than he was.

Those sounds filled him with feelings new, but also familiar. He sounded like that when his mother played with him, and cared for him. Yes, he was a child once, despite how quick his mind grew. His mother never let that stop him from being a child in some capacity.

Yet those laughs terrified him and cast a deep shadow of guilt and shame. Not for him, never for him. A Primarch has no need for biological children, any children. He had his Astartes sons. The best of the best are forged through painful surgeries and grueling tests. Mass-produced versions of the tool they were templated from. He was a god of war, a weapon, and weapons do not need things their masters need.

Roboute scowled. When the stirrings rose up, hot and drowning him out.

"You should do it."

Roboute had been so lost in his mind he hadn't noticed Jaghatai had taken a seat next to him.

"Excuse me?" Guilliman asked. His composure not once gave a hint of how chaotic his mind was at the moment.

At first, it was as if Khan wasn't going to answer him, "Horus, would slip from time to time, about how his children would rule the stars after the crusade was done. Even when Malcador with cold words would remind him, that the only reproducing we would have were our gene-sons," Khan sighed, "You are not going to turn into the next Horus because you long for family not us, or your gene-sons. Do the procedure."

Before Roboute could ask how he knew that was on his mind, or even what he was told Jaghatai continued, "You've been watching Astraea and those kids with so much intent like you were trying to manifest something. That and you happen to want to go to the planet in their empire that is known for its advanced DNA work medical procedures on many races? Namely in the areas of conception? Please. Most of our brothers might be blind, but I and Corvus know better. You're the one who took your gene-seed sample, yes?"

Guilliman nodded, "I assume Corax is the one who found that out?"

Khan nodded, "And Cawl, they handled it. So do it. You out of all of us, always thought of a galaxy at peace, or the closest to it. You never lived for the hunt, the fight, but the peace. You fought for peace over thrill and power. So take this. You are not Horus. You are not weaker. I think we are all starting to wake up in a sense. It is...uncomfortable. But perhaps, we are more than the sum of our creation?"

"I hope so." was all Roboute could say.

༺═──────────────═༻

This, out of everything was what he loved now that the galaxy wasn't on the verge of ending. Laying in bed with Astraea while a fire burns gently. Her soft hums lull him into comfort and bliss. Large fingers drew little circles over her belly, as his mind offered him images of her heavy with their children. How, as much as he hated the word, divine she would look. Oh, how he would worship her. A goddess in her own right. a living one who brought life into the world. Life she deemed him worthy of creating with her.

His mind continued with the future it was offering. How she would waddle about and rely on him to help her stand, or lean against when walking took everything. Her trying to ride him when is looks so ready to pop. How he would fuck her like he could put another one in her before the first child is born. Her already beautifully full breasts, engorged and heavy with milk.

Roboute blushed when he felt himself pushing against her. He craved it so bad, despite how much it scared him.

"Roboute?" Astraea hummed looking over her shoulder with an impish grin, "And here I thought you were tired."

She kissed his chin, as she turned to face him, hands roaming over his strong broad chest, before gliding down to his erection.

He could smell it, she was already aroused. Oh, how she melted for him so easily. But he was the same for her. There were some days he had to force himself away from her for a bit, worried all he would do is fuck her until they both were raw and overtaken by the ruinous powers.

"Would you want children?" Roboute asked, between his heated breaths and needy kisses.

Astraea looked at him a bit surprised, and yet like she half expected this, "I thought we had to wait on even marrying, let alone speak of family. But of course I want children. You know this." she replied.

He did. But he still wanted to ask, as if her mind had suddenly changed.

"Good," he smiled rolling on top of her, holding himself up on his knees, which were on each side, "Then we should get some more practice in."

He leaned down and nipped at her ear, as a hand moved over her breasts and down to her hot core, "For once the procedure is done, you are not leaving my side and bed until it sticks."

This might be the single most selfish thing he would do, but he wouldn't regret it. He wanted to feel human, to understand all that he had been fighting to protect for all these long years.

[inke-ri]

After giving the Ithaca Saga a few listens, I'm surprised by how much I loved the ending. All along, I kept wondering how they'd tie up Epic with the whole slow arc of Odysseus becoming a monster, would the story "reward" his behavior by giving him his family back?

Spoilers below!

I cant be sure since the animatics aren't out yet, but the feeling I got from the "Just a Man" part in Would You Fall In Love With Me Again is that it really hammers home how Odysseus didn't become a monster by choice. He didn't *mean* to do it, the gods messing with him (and poor decisions from all of his crew, himself included) essentially forced him to do it to survive. I'm not absolving Odysseus of the blame here, I think the fact that he compares his castle being sacked to Troy symbolizes that he paid for all the pain and misery he caused and he didn't get off easy (if the crippling trauma doesnt make it obvious).

But at the end of the day, he was always someone carrying an extreme amount of guilt due to things in and beyond his control, and there always *was* compassion in him, there was always this inherent desire to be a hero bc he wanted to do good, not bc he actually WANTED to be ruthless.

Most importantly, there IS a big distinction between Odysseus and all these monsters to me. And that is that even when Odysseus finally abandons every shred of self restraint and becomes a "monster", down to having his own track titled after him, Odysseus never *revels* in it the way Poseidon or Polyphemus or Zeus did (unless the final animatics prove me wrong, which would feel very OOC to me).

Even before finally snapping and poking a hundred holes in Poseidon, he still *tried* before. Even as he did it, it felt more like he was venting 20 years of misery instead of enjoying it. He just sounds tired when he lets go of the trident. And when he kills the suitors, he's just *angry*. When he chooses himself over Eurylochus, he was broken and miserable. When he chose to leave Calypso, someone who *kept him prisoner* for 7 years, he still chose to do it in as kind a way he still managed.

Compare it to Scylla, who's having a blast comparing herself to him. Compare it to Poseidon, who was so cocky in Ruthlessness. Compare it to Zeus in Thunderbringer, strutting around like the cat who got the mouse.

I think that by the time Odysseus sees Penelope again, especially after seeing how different he and Telemachus are (Telemachus clearly being positioned as a mirror of his younger self), after telling Athena there's no hope left for him, only for those that will come after... He faces Penelope and well and truly believes that he's exactly like the monsters in his journey. He lists his sins like charges in a tribunal, like he's fully expecting her to never take him back, because how could she? He's no longer himself.

And then Penelope asks him about the bed.

With how the song is clearly revolving around love, Penelope's challenge in Epic seems less like she's testing to see if it really is Odysseus like in the poems, and more to see if he's still the man she fell in love with. Would he be willing to let go of love, of their memories, of who he was when they first met under that olive tree? He's different now, right? Surely love doesnt matter to him all that much so long as the "victory" of getting home, just as winning meant all to Zeus and Poseidon, just as relishing in the deaths of the trespassors in his land meant to Polyphemus and Scylla.

And sure, Odysseus doesnt reply the way we'd expect from him at the start of the saga. He doesnt plead with Penelope or falls to his knees and begs like he did with Zeus in the very first song. He's *angry*, he HAS changed. But despite the changes, he hasn't let go of love. He REFUSES to cut through the roots of it and throw the bed away. And so Penelope matches him blow for blow, and forces him to accept that he's still her husband and that she'll love this broken, scarred version of him just the same. Even as he seems to choke out her name, almost begging her to leave him because he doesn't deserve it, her voice overpowers him until he breaks and just. Accepts it.

And then the Just a Man theme I mentioned at the start of this text wall finally kicks in, which to me feels like the story reminiscing on Odysseus' journey and, well, accepting it, just as he does... That while his sins ARE sins (again, not absolving him of any of it!!), he never did them out of hatred or pride or just because he enjoyed it, he did it because he was, well, just a man who loved his family so desperately that he'd do anything to see them again.

He finally lets himself breathe, realizes that it really has been 20 years of his life attempting to shape him into something different, and even though it succeeded at that... for all it did change him it did not change the love that was always at his core. And so he can allow himself to perhaps never be fully free of that guilt and anger, but at least finally, finally rest.

[galene-gothic]

𝖠𝗅𝗅 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗇𝖾𝗑𝗍 𝗈𝗋 𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝗂𝖿𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 1 ꒱

Your current or next significant connection is going to be a situationship, I wanted to read only relationships but this situationship came through very strongly so I’m just going to interpret this for you. They’re someone who feeds off of social and romantic attention with no intention of committing. They’re someone who’s mean and only cares about themself. They lack self awareness. They’re someone who feels like everyone blames them unfairly, this is funny because they’ll be the one victim blaming and gaslighting you. If you have a narcissistic mother or an unhealthy relationship with your mother, this person is going to be similar to your mother, even if you do not realise it when you’re with them, after things end, you’ll notice similarities. They’re a know-it-all and act like they’re all that but in reality, they are crippling with insecurities. They’ll not be focused on you and they’ll be giving you just enough to keep you in their life (probably just empty promises or a few sweet moments here and there). I hate to say this like this but this frustrates me. This person clearly doesn’t deserve you, they won’t even be able to fulfil your basic needs. ‘Vampire’ by Olivia Rodrigo is how this situation is going to turn out for you. I’m not even sure as to why you’ll be sticking with them, they’ll literally put in no effort and show no passion. They’ll be possessive and territorial over you.

However, they’ll not treat you right because they’ll not find you good enough to commit to. Also, you’ll be letting a lot slide so they’ll continue mistreating you because you keep on allowing it. They’ll be really critical of you and take a lot from you, completely drain you out but won’t give you even the slightest amount of respect. They’ll be bread-crumbing you, giving you just enough attention and appreciation to not lose you completely but will never give you what you deserve and require. You’ll convince yourself that you’re satisfied because of the affection and attachment that you’ll feel towards them. This is so major, they’ll teach you enough common sense, discernment and self respect to never let someone like them into your life again. They’ll be someone really arrogant and a show-off. At some point, you’ll literally feel abused (could be anything emotionally, physically, mentally). They’ll say something and treat you as if you’re an object and not a person at all. They’ll act very selfishly and make everything about themself. You’ll be forced to leave people behind, your social life will be dying and you’ll be going through a really lonely time, they’ll make you feel really shitty. You’ll have forgiven them many times already by then but they’ll still be leaving you in a position where you have to watch everything you say just so you can avoid fights.

You’ll start feeling a lot of guilt towards yourself for putting up with such poor treatment. You’ll start regretting them. They’ll start feeling like a bag of stress to you and you’ll see the opportunity to move on without regrets and you’ll take it. A lot of uncertainty is going to be involved in the situation but you’ll choose your integrity and feelings above that person so you’ll feel like it’s only fair if you get away. Your nervous system and mental state will be all over the place at that time so the fact that you’re choosing yourself is very admirable. You’ll think that it’s just ‘cause and effect’, they treated you like shit so you walked away. They’ll treat you so bad that you’ll feel like you can basically survive anything. After leaving them behind, you’ll feel like you’re already over the worst. You’ll learn a lot of life lessons from the situation. Things will collapse completely but you’ll be left with a chance to build something completely new. The way you’ll remember them is “I survived them”. This connection will be very important as you’ll stop wanting to involved in such situations. Due to how they’ll treat you, you will also be kind of defensive at times (when involved with them) but you’ll always apologise when you feel like you’ve done something wrong and try to make things better but they won’t have it in them to do the same thing. You’ll be very understanding with them and will try to be there for them through hardships but they’ll be nowhere to be found when you need them. You’ll learn and grow from this, take care and all love.

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 2 ꒱

Your next partner is someone who’s patient, practical and responsible. They’re also someone who really values loyalty. They’re ambitious and persistent. They’re someone who works hard and likely has a strict routine. They’re very reliable but yeah once they get angry, it’s a bit of a show. They’re very stubborn too. They have a lot of responsibilities and stress in their life though. They work very hard and push themself to the limits. They can be over ambitious and burn themself out though. They take a lot onto themself and work under a lot of pressure. They’re also very serious about their goals. They’ll be very intentional in regards to you, they’ll be focused on you, there’s something about you that just inspires them and hypes them up. They’ll be determined to overcome any obstacles when it comes to you, they’ll be willing to work hard for your relationship. They’ll see how desirable you are and they’ll express it to you, they’ll make you feel like the most desirable person on earth. They’ll understand your thirst for knowledge, for experiences and they’ll think that you’re something on a different level. They’ll be interested in figuring out the deepest parts of you, in uncovering your deepest fears and darkest secrets. They’ll be truly tender with you and that’s exactly what you’ll want, someone who is willing to listen to you and take care of you. They’ll be affectionate and will try to be there for you. They’ll write love letters for you and send you romantic messages. They’ll be sensitive to your needs and kinda treat you like a kid. They’ll also act kind of childish and playful around you. They’ll have a very big crush on you.

Also, it will be very difficult for them to contain it. They’re going to admire your beauty and you’ll be able to catch them all flustered. Like the energy will just speak volumes about how they feel towards you. There will be an electric current between the both of you and also a strong psychic connection/ communication. The moment they’ll enter a room, they’ll look around for you. They’ll treat you the way an admirer treats one he or she admires. The dynamic between the both of you will include a lot of stimulation but you won’t be able to give up the craving for more. You’ll feel so passionate and excited regarding each other. You’ll act really youthful and childlike with one another. You’ll be fearless which will lead to you being reckless. You’ll also be really childlike with one another. Before the both of you even date, there’ll be a lot of impatience surrounding the situation for the both of you. You will just want to rush into things and most of you are going to do it. This relationship is going to interrupt with your plans. There’s something about the both of you being a power couple but still very incompatible. The chemistry between the both of you is going to fog your incompatibility though, you’ll still compliment each other regardless of your incompatibility. You’ll make bad decisions in this relationship but through each other, you’ll find different passions. You’ll learn more about yourselves. You’ll be loyal to them but you’re going to act obsessed with them. You’ll also let your mental health get the best of you. You’re going to be quite secretive about a lot regarding yourself and it could prove to be a setback in some way.

You won’t even be able to resist them though and it’ll be the same way with them, but you could end up using their irresistibility towards you against them if you aren’t careful. Frankly, you could end up acting really manipulative towards them. There might be something about them that will trigger you and you’ll hate-love them. You will meet them at a time where you’re processing a lot of anger and resentment or they’ll just make you tick off for some reason. They’ll feel like there’s a lot of trouble between the both of you. The way you’ll be acting will cause them to start thinking negatively because you’ll just shatter their dreams of you. They’ll feel like they have to make a decision concerning you because they will be feeling really dissatisfied and sad. For some of you, you’re going to be able to work it out and have a good long term relationship. For the rest of you, this relationship is going to take you one step closer to your ultimate love by shedding light into parts of you that need healing. You’ll start trying to manage life better after things end, you’ll start getting things that you want too, one at a time. From the relationship, you’ll learn about the importance of not being too aloof, having integrity and some of you will learn that rumours can ruin people’s lives (you’ll probably be involved in rumours if this is the case). You’ll learn that playing stupid games wins you stupid prizes. You’ll also learn that overindulgence is not good. You might also realise that you don’t really have true friends. You’ll learn how to be more mature and loving. You’ll start coming in terms with your sensitivity and kindness. You could end up being too loving though, make sure not to become a people pleaser, alright? Take care !!

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 3 ꒱

Your next significant partner is someone who is very passionate about, they’re someone who tries to expand their potential. They are someone who truly believes in themself and gives their best. They have a lot of ideas, to the point they find them overwhelming even. They have a lot of potential for really great things. They’re someone who’s had important breakthroughs in life and are into self improvement. They’re taking action and are optimistic right now. Their past is still negatively affecting them though. They’re someone who is pretty secretive too. They’re still stuck in unhealthy cycles. This is very conflicting, they have strong personal values or are developing them but they weren’t the best person the past. They are also very realistic but still so delusional? They feel trapped by a missed opportunity of some sort. They’re still emotionally immature and possibly even depressed. They can be someone very resentful because of their tendency to obsess. They overlook what’s obvious in order to believe the little stories in their head when it comes to love. They’re very realistic regarding everything else though. They’re still very naive and can be very gullible to love bombing, they’ve possibly fallen victim to it before. They’re manipulative and really lonely. They lack proper communication skills. The relationship between the both of you is going to require really big effort of one of your part.

I’m sorry but this person could still not be over their past relationship or something like that. This relationship is not going to be long term. Despite, how qualified you might be for them, they won’t be noticing your greatness. You’re someone who pretends to be happy even if you’re not and that’s exactly what you’ll be doing when you’re with them. It will start off exciting for you but you’ll start feeling like you deserve better as you continue to be with them, somehow, your self esteem will be so low that you will feel like no one else would want you though. You’ll be feeling quite oppressed in that relationship. They will probably downplay the things that you say to them, etc. That relationship will be extremely stressful. You’ll also start feeling quite passive aggressive towards them. I’ve heard something like “women aren’t crazy, they’re driven to it”, you don’t have to be a woman but it could apply to you during and after this relationship. You’ll be too scared of having difficult conversations here. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just a situationship as well. You’ll feel stagnant and stuck in the situation. They’ll act like things will inevitably come to an end but they won’t be ending it properly. It’ll be obvious that they’re still emotionally attached to their past. They’ll be avoiding ending things but they won’t be treating you right either. They’ll treat you like you’re a burden.

They’ll act like you disappoint them with everything that you do. They’ll treat you as if they are settling for you. You need to be very careful here because they’ll be lacking self awareness and emotional maturity. They’ll just act like things are hopeless and like you’re not all that important. At the beginning though, they’ll be trying to act as if they’re happy. They’ll be angry at you for some reason but it won’t have much if anything at all to do with you. You’ll learn how to pay attention to details because of this connection. You’ll learn how to use your intellect against people to be honest (probably unintentionally). Before entering a relationship with them or getting involved with them, you’re someone who has little to no fear of changes. Someone who knows how to take changes for the best or for the worst, someone who knows how to leave the old things behind. You’re also someone very quick to change perspective though. After your relationship or connection with them, you’ll become someone really successful, generous and strong willed. You’ll become someone who’s more free with expression of anything (including affection) but knows how to be harsh when things come down to it. You’ll gain some sort of an enlightenment. You’ll become someone indecisive though, and someone who prioritises having friends and lovers who treasure you and are on the same level when it comes to character. All the best and take care 🩵.

[trans-queen-administrator]

During the talk with Phir Sē, it comes up that he has a daughter when he tells Taylor about how keenly aware he is of what he could be sacrificing to kill Behemoth.

And it's very odd to me that she's a hero, when her father is one of the men so monstrous that he's used as evidence for why the PRT should stick around. It's almost like the stereotypical superhero show plot where the plucky protagonist hero learns their dad is Doctor Evilman or whatever, but this is Worm. Later in the conversation Phir Sē reveals that he sacrificed family before in a similar scenario

And I can't help but feel that him sacrificing his wife and sons is connected to his daughter being a hero? Like imagine being her, and seeing your dad refuse to save the rest of your family because of the greater good. He could effortlessly step backwards in time but he stands there while their corpses cool instead. That could definitely crack a rift between them and cause his daughter to join the heroes in a desperate attempt to prove that you can save everyone. Hell, I could even see her dad letting her family die being a trigger event. And she's specifically one of the bright and popular heroes, one of the campy flashy ones like Mouse Protector. How much of that is because she can't bear to let herself be anything less than the ideal of a hero, because she can't stomach the thought of being someone who has to make a sacrifice like her father? Phir Sē says he'll live the rest of his life down in his bunker mourning her if he fails, but I think he's already been doing that. He's been consumed by the guilt of who he left in the past and how that ruined his only tie left, and he wants to do something that justifies his existence. If he kills Behemoth, the world celebrates, people are saved, and maybe his daughter will talk to him again. If not, he keeps living as he always has, alone and crippled by the weight of his actions.

I wonder how he felt, in his last moments. The bomb didn't kill the Endbringer, and Behemoth hunted down his bunker and killed him. He had to have seen that it survived, and while maybe he didn't fail so hard he vaporized the country, he didn't redeem himself, he didn't save anyone. He'll never know that his actions weakened Behemoth enough for Scion to finish the job, from his perspective he lost. I wonder if his daughter survived, and if she knows what he did to tip the scales of the battle. Would she even mourn him, assuming he caused her trigger and she knows he let her family die?

He liked Weaver because she reminded him of himself with her ruthless pragmatism and ability to make the hard choices, while also reminding him of his daughter with her idealistic nature. I think he saw a version of himself in her, one that didn't end up isolated in a bunker with no family left. One that has hope and still kept the humanity he feels he lost. She talks to him about working together with others, communicating, and he doesn't think it's something that's possible, he thinks humanity is a "wretched, petty species" and that infighting and lack of coordination would prevail even against an Endbringer. And I think he's right in thinking Taylor is like a younger version of him, because that's exactly what happens during Gold Morning until she makes them work together. He would feel vindicated, seeing Khepri.

Honestly I really wish he survived, he's such an interesting character and I would love to see more of him beyond a single random Tohu face. Most of this is headcanon but like, I think it fits pretty well, so who knows maybe it's the intended subtext.