#this hit... far too close to home

[hexesandroses]

Sorry if I sound corny but number 77 with Dottore for the drabble list??

Nothing corny about it! :) this turned out way longer than I anticipated, but I hope it's to your liking <3

drabble list

77. There is nothing wrong with you

You were exhausted.

The days blended into one as you spent hours upon hours at your desk, eyes glued to the ample paperwork that needed to be dealt with. Your rationality told you that you were going about this the wrong way; skipping meals and losing sleep over work never did you good, and though the stars had shown you the consequences of those actions numerous times, you never learned your lesson.

It became increasingly difficult to focus. Your mind demanded rest but you refused to oblige. Your calloused fingers hurt from holding a pen for so long; your thoughts were in disarray, mind clouded by exhaustion; your body felt weaker than ever before and sitting upright was a challenge in and of itself.

You couldn't stop, though. There were so many things that demanded your attention, so many deadlines that worsened your anxieties. If you couldn't finish all your tasks in time, then what were you good for?

Still, you wanted rest so badly. When was the last time you'd slept well? When did you last play chess with Zandik, just as you used to do every day? You ached with a desperate desire for tranquility but even that was overtaken by your crippling fear of failure.

All of which Zandik noticed. He made an attempt at pulling you away from your desk one night: with a hand placed on your shoulder, he said, "you can't go on like this any longer. Come to bed."

And you'd rejected him, swatted his hand away and told him not to distract you - he didn't bother you again after that.

Until he found you hunched over your journal deep into the night. Your mind didn't register his voice until he came to stand right next to you.

Zandik called your name softly, "you can't do this to yourself."

"I'm just working."

"Work can wait. When was the last time you slept?"

Your fingers gripped the pen tighter. It hurt so badly.

"Yesterday, I think."

You wondered if he was disappointed in you. Were you too slow, had you failed to meet his expectations?

Zandik caressed your hair with his ungloved hand and you nearly recoiled at the feeling of it; you couldn't remember the last time you bathed. You must have looked dreadful - a shell of a human being, beyond unrecognizable.

"Your body needs rest," he murmured, "this has gotten out of control. Your health, both physical and mental, will be beyond saving if you continue at this rate."

You gritted your teeth. "I feel fine. I'll be done soon, anyway."

"How soon?"

"Soon. In a few hours- or days, it doesn't matter. Soon."

Zandik exhaled softly. He was disappointed - you knew it. You had failed him and proven yourself to be unworthy of all attention - a failure of a partner, of a human being.

"I don't recall the last time I saw you eat a proper meal," he broke you out of your thoughts. You didn't dare to look at him; your shame was far too great. "Look at yourself. You haven't left this study in so long; Columbina asks me about you every day."

"She'll manage without me."

"And I?"

The question made you droop your head. Zandik never spoke of his affection for you aloud - you could see all of it in his actions: his devotion, care, desire. The innocent implication of his words evoked guilt, sadness, among so many other complicated feelings that you couldn't put a name to.

"I really, really need to finish this, Zandik-"

"I miss you," he said, so easily that it made your heart ache with longing. You'd missed him, too; spending your days without feeling his touch, hearing his never-ending rants about whatever research he was engrossed in - you wilted without Zandik near.

You were hesitant to look at him. Something told you that you would cave and abandon your work if you did.

"This needs to be dealt with, Zandik. If I don't do it now, I'll never... I have to."

Or I'll feel like a failure. The words lay on the tip of your tongue but you were careful not to voice them.

Zandik's hand moved down to the nape of your neck. Had you been any weaker, you would have leaned against him, given up on your futile efforts to prove your worth to... him? Yourself?

"You're overworking yourself," Zandik whispered, "even I know not to take things so far and you have seen how I can get when something catches my interest."

You huffed bitterly, turning your head in the opposite direction lest he catch sight of the tears that welled in your eyes. "How do you not understand? I'm not overworking myself - I've barely managed to get anything done today. No matter what I try, I just can't do it. I have to, I know I have to, but I can't and it's ruining everything."

Frustration bubbled in your chest. Archons, you were so tired. The temptation to give up was strong, but how would you face yourself? Zandik? How could you rest after resigning yourself to failure?

"You need a break," Zandik murmured, his tone laced with sympathy, "take the day off tomorrow, and I will help you with whatever else is left."

"I can't."

"Why?"

The words came out shakily, "I'll feel wrong. I already do."

Tears spilled from your eyes before you could stop them; it was too much. You felt exhausted, burdened by the weight of your own pressure, and continuing to pretend that it didn't bother you felt impossible. Your dignity was all but crushed in the palm of your hand as Zandik crouched and pried your hands from your face.

Everything hurt so badly: your head, neck, hands, every part of your body ached and begged for relief. Your heart filled with something heavy and you lacked the tools to get rid of it. When did this strange feeling take root in your chest? When was the last time that you felt right?

"I don't know how to deal with it," you whined, "I've tried so hard but nothing works. I'm just wrong. I can't do it."

You could hear Zandik's breath hitch through your cries.

"Look at me," he said - a command. His hands cupped your face and beckoned you to meet his gaze. Your sight was blurry, but you could just barely make out his soft, cyan hair, a pair of ruby eyes overflowing with a wistful feeling you couldn't comprehend.

"There is nothing wrong with you."

Gingerly wiping your tears away, he continued, "I know what it is like to feel inherently terrible and to not have someone who could prove you wrong. But you have me." And why would he say that so softly? You furrowed your brows as more tears pooled in your eyes - but Zandik didn't mind. He kept wiping at your eyes as if he could quell the turmoil within your heart with just a touch. "I will show you that you are good; that you are capable, determined, worthy. You don't have to do this by yourself, my dear."

You all but softened against him. Resting your forehead against his own, you allowed Zandik to take care of you in a way that he hadn't in so long. Frustration gave way to acceptance and you exhaled shakily when he pressed his lips to your cheeks - a soothing thing.

"I will help you in any way that I can," he added, "Omega will handle my work for the time being."

"I missed you," are the only words that you could speak, and Zandik accepted them with a soft, barely noticeable smile.

"I know. I'm here. You will be alright; this, too, shall pass with time."

You found that notion to be a little more believable, now.

[htub]

I really like that they made Jor-El speak Kryptonian and Clark unable to understand him. The whole "aliens speak English" thing that happens in every goddamn media has bothered me all my life. Ik sometimes Clark just gets zapped in the brain for insta-second language but that always felt like a cheap shortcut.

Jor-El had a lot on his mind when he set up that magic spaceship okay. The world was ending and he was trying to do as much as he could before time ran out so he could be there for his son. He was rushing. He likely didn't consider Kal would be raised with a whole different language and not know any Kryptonian nor have anyone to teach him.

[pharawee]

—I SAW YOU IN MY DREAM · Episode 9

[iremiari]

charles rowland is the type of person to end his marriage vows with "and you're my best mate" then think nothing of it

[daily-hanamura]

[a-non-event]

Bonus: because I know we all see Jackie all grown up in this scene, right? 😭♥

[glitchfang]

i think asha needs some rewriting in particular because. erm. well i made her when i was 15 and going through some shit so now writing her feels a tad awkward

[sillylildude]

So choosing to read Small Gods in the wake of a constitutional crisis caused by the disease known as Christian nationalism was certainly… a choice I made. I am only halfway through and this feels painfully relevant.

Some quotes that have hit me today:

“Belief, he said. Belief shifts. People start out believing in the god and end up believing in the structure.”

“The Ephebians believed that every man should have the vote.* (*provided that he wasn’t poor, foreign, nor disqualified by reason of being mad, frivolous, or a woman.) Every five years someone was elected to be Tyrant, provided he could prove that he was honest, intelligent, sensible, and trustworthy. Immediately after he was elected, of course, it was obvious to everyone that he was a criminal madman and totally out of touch with the view of the ordinary philosopher in the street looking for a towel. And then five years later they elected another one just like him, and really it was amazing how intelligent people kept on making the same mistakes.”

If I had a nickel for every time I stopped reading to say “oh damn,” I might have enough to buy my own copy of this book.

[tulpars-dead-pixel]

can i say i feel like people saying stuff like swansea would be republican or curly or daisuke would be casual dudebro misogynists or that jimmy is just insufferable to everyone constantly AND people who say daisuke or swansea would've killed jimmy if anya told them both kind of miss part of the point of the game being about a group of normal people who you would expect far better from in a stressful situation behaving in ways ranging from heart-breakingly disappointing to downright horrific

[prince-telemachus-of-ithaca]

Your father is dead.

Telemachus is silent. He clutches his sword.. but his hand shakes.

He says nothing

He clenches his eyes shut. Tears beginning to stream..

"I KNOW.. STOP TELLING ME. HE'S GONE... I FAILED... I COULDNT PROTECT HIM-"

*clang*

The sword clatters to the ground as the prince crumples..

"I know... I know.." *hic* "I'm sorry..."

The prince murmurs inconsolably

[skitskatdacat63]

Local feral animal gets coaxed into domesticity ! Discovers comfort !

[fluffyapathybunny]

*sobbing in the corner*

[this-hopeless-war]

way outside of town where people can be people and nobody puts you down just because they don't want you around

This place is real it's not just in my head

We'd have ourselves a garden but we wouldn't work too hard

this down is a dead end rode let's leave this behind let's just get up and go

Find a new place to call home

make a new life we can call our own

where we can be free free to decide who we want to be

AND EVERY NIGHT WED STARE UP AT THE STARS

we'd sit around the fire after every day was through we'd be each others family

start this life anew

a chance to have a place to rest your head

I'm tired of blindly watching as we're inching towards the ground

i've got great expectations great expectations great expectations

it's all becoming clear there's no way we're going to find that here

[coffeeliqueurs]

((personal post up ahead))

there's something very strange about living through a personal experience in your life and being so adjusted to it that you no longer realise the gravity of your situation, only for a fictional character to be depicted with the exact same experience and be regarded as tragic.

It's not a bad thing of course, but it makes me take a moment to realise oh. life has been far less fair to me than i initially thought.

Of course a character who left school young to provide for themselves is a tragedy, so why wouldn't your 14 year old self who left school young be any less sad. Why wouldn't it be any less sad that that same 14 year old could never receive the formal education they needed for a career because of things out of their control. Why wouldn't it be any less sad that this 14 year old kid had no support to rely on, abandoned by every system that was supposed to help them

it's not something important about that character, not something highlighted in the game, but in a silly way it was important to me. even if fictional it makes you feel less alone in your experiences.

[xomoosexo]

sorry I love pointless comp mc drama anyways firebreathman literally goes off for ten minutes about how rude and mean das is (calls him and "toxic a-hole" like twelve times) and that he knows people who organize basically every minecraft event (lists mcc, blockwars, pandora's box, mayhem, etc) and if he ever gets added he will get him kicked ??? also said that das used to be blacklisted from mc twitch rivals but because they redid the system and laid people off he got back in. apparently he used to cheat a lot and allegedly cheated in twitch rivals back in the day (but fbm isn't sure he believes that's true) he said a lot of other people in the community have had bad experiences with him but they don't want to say anything. and then at the end says congratulations to him for winning and that he won fair and square but that he would be playing any mc events he has the power to stop him from getting into 😭

it seems like most of this was a couple years ago so it does suck if he has gotten less toxic or something and is still being judged for stuff he did 3/4 years ago but also shane (fbm) doesn't go into the extent of it. banning him from all mc events is actually crazy but again if he is actually a really bad person then that makes sense. it seems like they have personal beef that goes beyond this as well... shane was very fired up. also everytime I hear a clip from shane I forget how strong is gcma is like damn. wow.

[postmanlinksbootyshorts]

there IS a conversation to be had about how whenever ppl want to highlight 'cutesy' black women it's always a compilation of women who have smaller features (featurism), are not darker than brown skinned (colorism), and are wearing straight wigs (texturism). there's ALSO a conversation to be had about how people want black women boxed into one single acceptable version of femininity (ie the baddie aesthetic) as well. this is a conversation that is actually quite nuanced and should be treated as such.

...but what do i expect from the group of black women who instantly pull out racial stereotypes to bitch about ppl being Too Woke and who gleefully and over enthusiastically drag black men while drooling over their yt boyfriends? lol