#//OH PLEASE I AM NOT READY FOR FEELs
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I didn't get pics I didn't get pics my phone was in the bedroom charging but FANCY IS PLAYING WITH THEM. Not next TO them but INITIATING PLAY WITH THEM.
Not bitchily, not reluctantly, not with a short temper, not tolerating THEIR advances, but making her OWN advances! Inviting them in!!!!!! Even the detested Junie!
CRYINGGGGGG.
#oh my god you guys if this persists i can stop worrying completely and the babies can STAY#we can have another little man again and another terrible girl!#and this house could feel like a home again#if Fancy is willing to tolerate them they can stay with us and be OURS#i don't know if y'all realize just how much i have been holding back#not on their care or training or how much affection i show them but in MY HEART#i said Jasper's name earlier and he came trotting over just to be petted#finally#FINALLY!#maybe this will work#please let this work PLEASE i am going to love him SO much#also Fancy baby we also got them for YOU as friends for YOU so you wouldn't be alone in your grief either in ways WE could never help heal#please LOVE THEM they are so ready to love you they look up to you so much#or Jasper does anyway#I think Junie is just a little beast who respects nothing and no-one#but Jasper has a sweet heart
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For my birthday... read my webcomic! It's literally free! (Unless you want books. Those are not free)
It's beautiful, it's gentle, it's funny, they're canonically t4t and gay... And it's about time traveling vampires solving supernatural mysteries!
I've spent thousands of hours writing and drawing it, and it's really good! I'm not biased!
It's on hiatus right now and coming back in 2 months, so it's the perfect time to get caught up
#i felt weird putting this in there so I didnt but I've also received recognition for excellence in writing#and was nominated as a fan favorite on webtoon canvas...#so like not only do i work super hard but its just really good!#im not ashamed of claiming that i think my work is well done. if i didn't think i was doing a good job why would i do it#buuuut. something about being like please read my comic im literally so good at comics feels weird to me#even though i think that. in my brain#i dont want to imply that there is some objective or tangible goodness to my work simply for receiving some accolades#its nothing other than some accolades. whether or not someone likes it is up to them#so i guess to me it just feels superfluous#but genuinely I love my comics...#i re read them all the time. and i enjoy them!#theres things i would change and probably will change when i go to print#but i did what I could with the time and energy I had#and when it comes back... oh boy.#my friends have agreed its the best stuff ive ever written. it's literally so good...#im so excited to share.#still not fully ready to officially commit to the return date#but i am gunning for it!#webcomics#webtoon#time and time again#its my birthday!#idk wtf to tag this as. im 27 now...#read my comic#LOL
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“Don't you hate her?”
Furina turned, eyebrows raised in confusion. “Huh?”
“Your creator. Don't you hate her?”
The girl pondered a moment, looking unsure. “I..don't know.”
“You should,” he asserted. “All this time you had to suffer alone, for what?? People who didn't even care about the real you?? People who were ungrateful and selfish and only cared about themselves, at the end of the day??”
“Not everyone is like that,” Furina protested, shaking her head slowly. “I ..did suffer, but it all worked out in the end. Besides, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her-”
“The same could be said for my mother,” Wanderer interrupted, eyes flashing. “I came into being because of her, but that doesn't make her a good person, or a good parent. She hurt me. These two facts can coexist. Focalors created you, yes, but she also subjected you to 500 years of suffering where you couldn't confide in ANYONE or risk losing everything. Wasn't that awful?? Wasn't it a horrible time? You were all alone living on a hope and a prayer, and if it went wrong, it would have been all for nothing. You were a means to an end, and what do you have to show for it? Sure, everybody was saved and all was well, but now you're just - a person, and people hate you for what you did, people hate you for what you DIDN'T do. Was it worth it?? Are you satisfied?”
“I am,” she nodded, after a beat. “Because, this is what I was created to do. And, I'm free now. I don't know what I'm going to do, but at least my life is mine. I can do whatever I want. I can live.” Wanderer's jaw clenched, and Furina frowned, nervously. “..why are you so angry?”
“Because SOMEONE has to be!” he shouted, voice cracking. “I mean- I heard about the trial, they were gonna kill you- they lured you there because you wouldn't talk, right? And then after everything, did anyone apologize to you or- praise you, for all the hell you went through? Anything??”
“.. Neuvillette is taking care of me.”
The pain on Wanderer's face was almost palpable, at that.
“..anything else?”
“.. it's fine," she tried to appease. "It's not like I serve any purpose anymore. Like I said, I did what I was created to, so I'm not of any use and-”
“Stop.”
“..what?”
“STOP- talking like that,” Wanderer snapped, eyes suspiciously glossy. She sounded so much like him, who he used to be, and it hurt so badly.
A blank sheet of paper has infinite potential, but it is nothing as long as it is empty, he'd said, a good while ago. He'd been wrong about himself, and Furina was wrong now.
“You're not just - what you were made for. You don't - what happened to you is wrong. You're not DISPOSABLE now that everything is over.”
“It- it was for everyone's sake, compared to my suffering, it's obvious what's more important! I had to save them! It’s what I was born for! It doesn't matter -”
“It DOES,” he yelled, eyes glowing an almost neon icy blue, and she startled. “Stop acting like your suffering was something that was necessary. Stop acting like it was just for the greater good. That doesn't matter! The fact of the matter is that you suffered, and you were hurt, and you're STILL hurting! And- barely anybody is there for you..your creator, she should have been there for you, she should have protected you, but she didn't. She didn't. And you - you have every right to be angry with her, for not being there for you. For you being unable to live, until now. It was wrong, even if it was, as she claimed, for the greater good. Don't defend her.”
"She loved me-"
"And she left you, so not enough."
Just like my mother ..
“...Wanderer,” Furina ventured, worry all over her face.
“What?”
“You're crying…”
..oh. He hadn't even noticed, but his cheeks WERE wet, and he put a hand to one with a start, quickly scrubbing at his face. “Ah-” and he pulled his hat over his face, to hide it.
“..it was a lot. I often wondered when everything would end. I wanted, to tell someone so badly what was going on,” Furina admitted, and Wanderer looked up, eyes red from weeping. “There were a lot of times I didn't think I was going to make it, but. But I did, and, and everything was okay.”
“But are you?”
There was a long pause, and the two of them stared at each other until Furina slowly shook her head no, hot tears streaming down her cheeks.
“See? You're - we're both so messed up, from everything, and no one was there,” Wanderer almost whispered, looking out the window. "No one was there to help. ..You're strong as hell, I'll give you that. If I was in your shoes, I don't know if I would have made it. It seems people are stronger than I've given them credit for..”
It was something that surprised him, again and again.
“I just don't understand why you care..”
“.. I don't know why I do,” he shrugged. “Maybe because you remind me of myself, and. It hurts, looking at you and feeling like I'm looking in the mirror. But someone has to be in your corner and -”
“And you want to do that?”
A pause.
“..Well, if you don't stand up for you, no telling who will.”
“You don't have to cry over me. I'm -”
“If you say you're not worth it, I am going to bodyslam you,” Wanderer growled, eyes flashing, and Furina put up her hands.
“I wasn't going to! I was going to say that I will be okay. Not now, but. Eventually. I'm healing. I promise. There's people who care, like you.”
Wanderer fell silent then, looking away, and she reached out and squeezed his hand. “Thank you. I'm still wrestling with - with what I want to do and where I'll go but. It's nice to know that I'm valued just for existing.”
“That's all you need to be valued,” he muttered, looking to the floor. “You don't have to prove the worth of your existence. It's fine to just be.”
“..are you talking to yourself, or me?”
He looked to her then, expression unreadable, and she smiled sadly, in understanding. “Both is good. It's okay to just be. We're here, and we'll be okay.”
“Yeah,” Wanderer whispered, giving a shaky breath. “..we will."
#screaming crying#i will probably go back and clean this up later but i just wanted to get it out there and start yelling#i think wanderer would be so so angry about what happened to furina and it just. weighs heavy on his heart and he's like god. GOD!!!#his heart is way squishier than he would like to admit he's ready to square up so quickly and had it not been for focalors being dead#oh BABY he'd have Some Words For Her#genshin impact#wanderer#furina#please god i am going to explode i am thinking so hard im in pain#ue ue ue ue ue#loved but left behind.....#a means to an end..you feel me...#im dyin scoob
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my time in kindergarten has cursed me with the knowledge that kyle is def the tiny 'erm, actually!' kid in big ass fishbowl glasses who tries to answer questions that i haven't even finished asking yet, is reading books at third grade reading level like 6 y/o megamind, all of which is Great except that little fkn einstein is constantly TRYING ME by attempting to undermine my authority by staging a literal Coup in my class over who should clean up the magnetiles and ‘start shit’ aka intense philosophical debates abt BLUEY during Quiet Time.
and conversely, stan is the kid who almost gets hit by a car during pick up trying to pick a fkn ROLLYPOLY out of the gd street, needs to be told 25/8 to stop playing in the planters/stop building complex worm terrariums out of sticks and mud everyday at recess, cries anytime i have to raise my voice above a whisper, is super adhd, gets extremely overstimulated by EVERYTHING, blurts Constantly abt things he did over the weekend and drew a...Very Frightening ‘my family portrait’ of his dad yelling, mom crying, sister in devil horns and him frowning...
...In Big, Blue, Lopsided Crayon.
#nina speaks#this is my truth as a kteacher#also i am leading for three days next week please clap#i will be stressed out and crying but i love my kids and my job even if sometimes it is very hard it is the same as writing for me#BUT OKAY I KNOW ITS NOT EVERYONES STYLE#BUT ITS MINE OH MY GODDDD#I FEEL THIS IN MY BLOOD AND MY BONES#i have had both these children in my class#and it is a an absolute joy and it is a nightmare from HELL#the last part is actually a different kid#i did have to...call home about that i was...Concerned#BUT I KNOW THAT KYLE IS TRYING TO ARGUE WITH ME#EVERY FUCKING DAY ABOUT EVERYTHING LIKE#I SAID WHAT I SAID WHAT I SAID SIR#GODDAMN#I KNOW STAN IS LIKE I WANT MY MOM#EVERYDAY AND LIVES IN THE PLANTERS MAKING WORM HABITATS FROM THE RAIN WHICH IS VERY CUTE#BUT YOU ARE COVERED IN DIRT BESTIE#AND KYLE IS CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR AT SIX#AND TRUE TO NCU STYLE LITTLE KYLE WANTS FUCK ALL TO DO WITH LITTLE STAN AND LITTLE STAN#IS HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND EVERY KID IN THAT CLASS IS HEAD OVER HELLS IN LOVE WITH STAN#BUT HE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK HE WANTS THE WEIRD FERAL KNOW IT ALL KID TO NOTICE HIM HELL DO ANYTHIN#anyways...do u understand...also im working on the jk finds out rs is stan ask...we are not ready and i mean it
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Okay…..hot
#in the way that he is my little baby and I am so ready for him to have a permanent spot with my boys#he’ll fit right in!#he’ll do such a good job just give him another chance please..#fraser minten#mintz#toronoto maple leafs#maple leafs#I have a feeling I need to give him his own tag#oh my god I have it#minty fresh
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tonight i’m resting and keeping to myself bc i just need a minute, but tomorrow i think i’ll tinker with my rules and tidy up this blog overall. i’ve been thinking about a few things that have likely contributed to me feeling overwhelmed here, and i need to sit down and drop old drafts/asks, clean up my followers list, and set a lil boundary. hopefully after i do, i can get back to writing and bugging y’all at a normal pace 💜
#or a normal pace for me asdfg#i just kinda? felt sick at the idea of coming online tonight#and that feeling passed but it made me go “oh i need to really do something about this huh”#and it’s not anything serious i think it’s more so understanding the way i am and what makes me anxious or overwhelmed and accepting that#rather than forcing myself to try and work past those feelings bc i want to make things easier for others#or bc i feel bad for letting go of things i don’t have muse for anymore#anyway anyway! i’m gonna finish my silly lil scary movie and hopefully have an early night#tbh the lack of sleep probably didn’t help my feelings today either :’ )#please take care of yourselves and remember to take breaks 💜💜💜 mwah mwah!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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letterboxd if you even care. still very much in progress but hii
#my various embarrassed to share things disclaimers in the tags:#the recent activity is NOT recent those are the last i happened to log. ugh#sorry about all the french movies but it will be like that. unfortunately some of them are that good#UH. happy w my top 4 theyre now updated and i think accurate enough as hard as it is to choose 4#i should start making some lists if i ever feel inspired#IF you see a movie ive watched and you wanna know my thoughts on it beyond star rating and if i gave it a heart please dm me plelise#i am always ready to talk abt a movie at any time. unless ive forgotten it#oh important disclaimer this is not even close to an accurate like. account of all the movies ive watched but when i see em again ill log em#i know i can rate movies without a date but 1) i want to be accurate 2) its hard to remember them allllll#so i guess i just gotta wait until i see them again?#maybe ill just fill in if i remember movies every now and again. i guess#oh and i havent even done my watchlist. so this is very much a work in progress plelise be niceys
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god I forgot how much staring at a screen for all my waking hours fucks me up and makes me miserable
#my eyes hurt so bad and my brain can barely form words#and I'm terrified to face my teacher tomorrow after she. did what she did two weeks ago#I'm safe please don't worry but#oh boy#there's a reason I have PRE BOOKED THERAPY for tomorrow after school#that's how fucking scared I am#and#the workload#is literally impossible to manage or complete as a disabled autistic person#not a hyperbole I have tried I have put every bit of energy I possibly have#including energy for. getting ready for bed or talking to my loved ones or masking or just going on a WALK#into homework. and it's still an impossible amount of work that I am Never able to complete by the deadline#hate being this way#hate teacherfs who traumatise me for being this way#has happened my whole fucking life and I STILL feel like a little kid every time#vent tw#listen to my gibberish boy#vent#this sucks. sorry you had to read this
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PART 20
of the dfk 2023 audiobook translation
@cnka
Narrator (audiobook): Robert puts another piece of wood on the trunk and swings the axe.
Bökh: „And you never wanted to get in touch?"
The Nichtraucher picks up a piece of wood.
Silence.
Nichtraucher: „Why should I? We didn’t see each other for the past ten years either.“
He rips the piece of wood apart with his bare hands. While holding eye contact with Justus.
Silence.
Justus lowers his head.
Jo: „Uh.. weren’t you-" Martina, quietly: „Jo, leave it. Lets go.“
Martina, louder: „We need to go! We still have something to do.“
The kids leave. Jo and Martina are holding hands as they walk away.
Bökh: „Yeah… Thank you, kids.“
Jo, whispering as they walk away: "What was that just now?!"
Robert picks up the chopped wood and walks back to his wagon. Justus looks after him.
Narrator (audiobook): If the two friends will find back together? Matze isn’t so sure of that.
Matze, sarcastically: „Well, that was a great success!“ Jo: „Yeah, so much for friendship between Internals and Externs.“
Narrator (audiobook): At least Robert granted Herr Bökh access to his wagon. He looks around lost in thought more or less, while Robert washes the dishes.
Dishes clatter. There is silence otherwise.
Justus stares wistfully at Robert while he washes the dishes.
Justus takes his eyes off Robert and starts looking around while Robert continues to ignore him.
Bökh: „I thought you were living in London.“ Nichtraucher: (silence) Bökh: „It's nice here.“ Nichtraucher: (silence)
Justus starts walking around.
Bökh: „I told the kids about our friendship.“ Nichtraucher: „As a cautionary tale?“ Bökh: (chuckles/scoffs) „No. Of course not.“
Narrator (audiobook): Bökh spots the poster of „the Bandits“, the same one hanging in his apartment.
Bökh: „The 'Wild Dog' that we always played in is still there.“
Nichtraucher: (silence)
Bökh: „Should we meet there sometime? For a beer?“
Robert looks up.
He lets out a small huff, almost like an incredulous laugh or a scoff.
He dries his hands on a towel and folds it.
Nichtraucher: (silence) Nichtraucher: „I don’t know what we would have to say to each other.“
Bökh: „Hm. Well. A lot of time has passed.“
Narrator (audiobook): Robert sits down at the table and lights himself a cigarette.
Justus turns as well and starts looking around again.
Nichtraucher: „Why didn’t you come to Marie’s funeral back then?“
Nichtraucher: „You didn’t even get in touch.“
[„You didn't even get in touch“ -> parallels to „And you never wanted to get in touch?“]
Justus is silent. He starts fiddling with his jacket and pulls it off his shoulder. He lets out a deep, shaky sigh and is silent for another few moments.
Bökh: „…I don’t know, you met her and… and suddenly you were gone.“
[Parallels to „suddenly your closest loved ones are gone“]
Bökh: „As if everything -our friendship, the band- as if that had all just been a dream.“
Justus turns around and looks at Robert.
Bökh: „Wir zwei. Wir hatten doch Pläne.“
Bökh: „That really hurt me.“ Nichtraucher: „It hurt you.“
Silence. Just the music.
Bökh: „Yes. Very much back then.“
The Nichtraucher lets out a soft incredulous laugh again, almost like a scoff.
Nichtraucher: „I see.“
Long silence. Justus stares out the window. Finally, he turns and walks to the door.
Bökh: „You know where to find me.“
Justus leaves the wagon. Robert nods to himself silently.
Narrator (audiobook): And with these words, Herr Bökh leaves his friend’s train wagon. If the two will ever see each other again?
#das fliegende klassenzimmer#dfk 2023 audiobook translation#dfk#das fliegende klassenzimmer 2023#mine#this is the most scene of dfk 2023 to me. i am having so many feelings and thoughts about it#there is so much to unpack#i really hope this did it justice... the whole. silent staring obviously doesnt translate#the silence in general doesnt translate#i would recommend to actually watch the scene#the silence is so so pivotal#another addition;#ach gott ich nehm grad neue bilder auf weil diese szene hq wirklich wert ist#und ich komm immer noch nicht darüber hinweg dass justus den nichtraucher allen ernstes 7 SEKUNDEN LANG ANSTARRT WÄHREND DER SPÜLT#ich hab hier wirklich am image limit gekratzt#tbh mit dem foto von den kindern kann ich nichts anfangen aber es scheint nicht unwichtig zu sein so i included it#it cant be robert and justus cause these kids are waaayy too young#if robert and justus met in school#these kids are like. idk. 9??#and i assumed they met when they were around the age of the kids in this movie#but maybe i got it wrong??#its so funny at some point i dont even talk about the Main Things of this scene anymore and focus on the most miniscule details instead#thats probably bc ive watched it maybe 10 times now and literally know this scene by heart. but let us PLEASE talk about the Main Things#i am so ready to have endless discussions about justraucher#hopefully the last addition of tags;#ok honestly i made almost as many edits to the tags as i did to the post#cause i kept changing little things so my comments werent up to date anymore#i think this part will be my magnum opus out of them all. but who knows theres still 9 to come#i think it shows that this is my favourite 🙃#oh yes i also added mentions to the parallels. felt like these were significant
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Got to all the dragon tear memories and noooo whyyyy did my guess with zelda doing it had to be right. More than dragon tears were shed oh dear hylia. Idk if I am just more emotional lately or if that close up with her dragon form crying got to me. She looks absolutely radiant as a dragon but whyyyyyyyyy. Idk if I like or hate it. It is interesting but my emotions </3 Let me at least get close to her as a dragon. I will fail but I will absolutely try to speed after her now.
#totk spoilers#Got to the last then her dragon flew by and I just said 'oh that looks way too close to zelda oh please not tell me I'm wrong'.#Went to the last tear but wasn't sure I was ready. Man.#There are still mems n story I wonder if that like changes or if she truly stays one and that's it#Hnnnnnnnn#Was smth w the last one I got being the 8 one w the three having a nice tea time#and then her dragon form flying above me and reveal the last one#Didn't cry much bc it's genuinely hard to let myself cry but nonetheless totk now counts as a game that made me#Which is an achievement#ganondorf sexy yadayada yes I agree but MY GIRL TURNED INTO AN IMMORTAL DRAGON SO THAT LINK CAN SAVE HYRULE#I might. Have stronger emotions abt zelink/zelda than I think huh.#I am an empath but only with fictional characters /hj#Link and zelda became like children to me. My darling daughter why did you do that. I get it but WHY#I could try to talk abt all this more eloquent all I say is I get why and support her decision. She knows what she does.#Link and me will not let it be in vain but ik you already have absolute faith in him#her dragon eyes truly mesmerize me they feel so full of emotions#a wild lux appears
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I finished act 2 again, but properly this time. and I cannot even begin to put into words how satisfying and beautiful all of that was. I loved act 2 the first time I played, but figuring out how to save the last light this time, properly completing halsin's quest, storming moonrise towers with jaheira and her harpers, seeing aylin reunite with isobel...all of it. I love it even more. and the beginning of act 3 feels all the more rewarding, having fixed my past errors.
#bg3#bg3 spoilers#thoughts about media#that was. incredible. I can't believe I missed so much the first time I played.#but at least having messed up the first time gives me a greater appreciation for the full story.#I did the “lift the shadowcurse” quest SO assbackwards last time I missed like. 90% of halsin's act 2 dialogue.#he IS cute. I am just STUPID. and learned nothing from dunking on gale before- when that was ALSO my own colossal mistake.#jaheira also gets such a badass moment of glory if her harpers as still alive. if you lose last light like I did before...#...god the assault on moonrise feels so...depressing. I felt so fucking bad for her the first time I played.#but I thought that you couldn't save isobel! and that's just what was supposed to happen! fool was I!#oh and if your tav fails the perception check on mizora when she first sends wyll to rescue zariel's asset- HE renegotiates his contract!#which I like better? I like when the companions get to choose their own fate! I like wyll taking a stand for himself! it was awesome!#and well. if corydalis used his outrageous charisma stat to push mizora into giving wyll a funky new sword? that's just friendship <3#the relationship between aylin and isobel is beautiful. I'm so happy that I replayed to save isobel. I much prefer seeing aylin happy :)#barcus. barcus. barcus. I want to criticise you but I'm in love with astarion so. can I really talk???#well maybe /I/ can't. but corydalis is Aware and playing mental manipulation chess with astarion. out of pure intent. but still.#join our polycule barcus. please. we will treat you better. I promise <3333#anyways. not ready for the buggiest part of the game again. but at least I know what's going on this time.
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Chapter 55 of Tower of Dawn😭
#HOW DOES SHE ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME AT SOME POINT IN THE LAST QUARTER (12 CHAPTERS)#literally always at the point of weeping giggling gasping or screaming like every other chapter every time I finish one of SJMs books#my soul#fangirl problems#all the feels#Tower of Dawn#severely underrated book that though it makes sense timeline wise for EoS tandem it honestly reminds me more of HoF#Chaol Westfall#Yrene Towers#Nesryn Faliq#Sartaq#I love them all so much#okay yall what are the ship names#also the lil Rowaelin moments#and I was right about Lys#and finally they gave notice to everybody on the Maeve thing so word can get around#but oh my word YOUR TELLING ME THATS WHO AELINS WITH OH HELL NOOOOOOO#and soon their gonna learn that and it’s gonna be EoS ending all over again#honestly dying to know what happens but dreading the end of another fantastic story#Chapter 55#SJM#TOG series#KoA I am not ready but I’m almost there#first read#currently reading#reading reacts#no spoilers please#okay time to go read the last 10 chapters#*sobbing* it’s so beautiful#screaming in Wyvern or should I say Ruk
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I
<3
In between arc (kinda) episodes
Pt. 3
#so MOMOS GRANDPA IS ALIVE??? AND PLUTON IS HERE SO ROBIN LIED TO CROCODILE IN ARABASTA! QUEEN#THE NEW ADMIRAL JUST KILLED QUEEN AND MAYBE KING (PLEASE DONT!!) AND IS CALLING FOR A WARSHIP TO KILL LUFFY#oh luffy grabbing kid akdhaksj reluctant friend maker they call him... wdym youre going to kill me... come here lets smush cheeks#luffy is such a humble king.... also why am i crying here thinking how everything is so brautiful (and otsuru is alive) and i have to find#out buggy is a yonkou. what the hell did he do against the marines akdbaisbsks ????? HOW????#ofc luffy is obvious.... also the admiral could roam arund wano a little and grow some plants all over... it is needed after all...#take a breath.... meditate what you're going to do...#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1080#also why is jinbe in there alone??? also i thought pluton was nika but pluton is in wano??? metaphorically yes.... my theory is in shambles#SHANKS???? 'momo and hiyori must have grown' well... recent update actually...#yamato got him!!!! fuck yes!!!#yasopp isnt ready to see usopp???? well boohoo... also why does this guy care about kid... nvm shanks got his arm i forgor xd#so shanks new about the fruit.... bc not even whos who knows...#barto burning shanks flag omg akdhsks#SABO KILLED COBRA???? that has to be a setup.... kuma escaped!!!! sabo is more popular than dragon somehow??? its bc he actually does stuff#MOMO CAN MAKE FIRE?? well kinda... shanks goes for the one piece.... what's in the air??? like you didn't have time before???#once again i <3 in between arc episodes.... i love getting fed new info....#nami new sharpshooter usopp step aside... and with one hand only... oh nvm.... it is rigged then#episode 1082#law and robin ponebesties.... jack gyojin???? also that is such a way to construct a city... wth RED PONEGLYPH!!! 3/4!!!#opening the frontiers frees the weapon.... inch resting also did luffy talk to him??? yamato could hear him because of the king's haki???#what is up with shank's haki.... jesus christ.... they were just watching lmao luffy can feel shanks omg.....#did he just leave or does he need the poneglyph still???#episode 1083
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mum stop calling me challenge
#bad bitches with mommy problems ahaah whatever#i cant stand speaking to her over the phone every time im tempted to just cut contact entirely but...#i also feel like maybe its not that bad and im just exaggerating everything in my mind#but then again well . so much traumatic stuff in my life is just her fault ive spent years in therapy because of her#well. whatever#she messaged me on christmas just to tell me 'merry christmas btw your older sibling's grandmother just died' like what is wrong with you#<- my older siblings have another dad so this is a woman i never knew#and then also every time she calls me i can hear on her voice how shes close to tears which is like. well that sucks i get that you miss me#but oh my god please get the hint. i am not ready to talk to you after everything youve done#lol sorry for whining it just makes me so irritated and puts me in such a bad mood#like. i dont get anxious from it i just get annoyed that she keeps doing this and it stresses me out#i dont need more bullshit in my life#well anyways. i have a great relationship with my dad and stepmum its just my mother who is a less than wonderful person
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𓇼 FUCK HER, FLIP HER, BEND HER BACKWARDS !
❤︎₊‧⁺...synopsis : the church always says sex for pleasure is a sin, and nanami kento is a man of the lord. but fuck, if his wife isn't worth sinning for. wc: 4.3k
❤₊‧⁺...cw : n. kento x fem!reader, religious themes, traditionalist views on sex and marriage, loss of virginity, missionary to mating press, breeding kink, overstimulation, unprotected sex, nanami loses himself in your pussy, slight cum play, dirty talk
❤₊‧⁺...lunar's note : am i unintentionally coping with religious trauma? possibly but it is fun :33 anyways based of this! forgive me if my writing is a bit rusty, it's been a while but enjoy !!
the two of you have spoken about eventually having children many times, but knowing the steps it took...it kept you both pushing it back, knowing eventually you'd both be ready.
after speaking with doctors, asking for advice from the church, and having you grumble about the neighbors who welcomed a cute baby girl, the two of you figured it was time.
you did your best to act normal all dayl, trying not to seem to nervous or too excited as you went about your chores for the day.
it may just be an act to procreate, but...it's still your first time with nanami. you want it to at least feel special.
there was nothing in the bible that went against that, right?
well, you have plenty of time to overthink since it seems that your dear husband will be at work late. to pass the time, you wait upstairs in your shared bedroom, the TV on as a distraction.
you're so stuck in your own world that you don't even notice him in the doorway before he clears his throat, leaning in the doorway. "oh! hi, honey, welcome home!" you go to stand up, but he holds up a hand, making you stop before you can get up from the bed.
it's silent, aside from the noise from the TV, and you can feel your stomach flip in anticipation.
has...has he always looked that handsome?
he continues to stand by the door, still not making eye contact. "you said it...starts today, correct," nanami questions, focused on undoing the straps of his watch. it shouldn't be attractive, it's such a simple task...yet it has your stomach doing flips as you nod.
"mhm, my, uh...ovulation starts today." it's such a weird thing to say, it just makes everything feel so...clinical. but that's how it's supposed to be, right? those who use sex for pleasure instead of procreation are sinners, or whatever the reverend at the church says.
"mm."
slowly pulling it off, he sets the watch on the dresser before shutting the bedroom door
"good."
dear god in heaven, you think to yourself, struggling to swallow the saliva pooling inside your mouth as he starts to undress. please forgive me for such inappropriate thoughts about my husband.
he removes his suit jacket—black today, it seems—placing it carefully on his desk chair, followed by his cufflinks and tie. his shirt is next, each button popping to reveal his strong, well-maintained physique.
you have to stop yourself from pumping your fist in the air for getting so lucky with such an attractive man as your husband. too busy ogling him like a horny teenager, you miss him undoing his belt before tugging them down and stepping out of his boxers.
once you do realize he's fully undress, you blush hard once he approaches the end of the bed—it took everything out of you not to stare at that...monster hanging between his legs, dear lord—and climbs onto it, making his way to hover over you.
his eyes roam up and down your body, taking in the pretty silky night dress you had on. It’s a soft blue with lacy white trim with little intricate flower designs.
modest, yet sensual.
"this is new," he comments, voice low and sultry. you can't help but wonder if he meant to sound so...so...
you don't find the correct word for it, but this new tone lights a fire in your stomach that has your r thighs squeezing together just a little bit.
"well, i figured it was an important night...you know, finally popping our cherries a-and starting a family?"
it's a weak attempt at humor, your voice clearly giving away your nervousness. you just pray that he ignores it.
a soft hum leaves him, his fingers playing with the intricately designed lace trim. the idea that you want to make this whole ordeal special, that you want to give yourself to him wholly, and that you want to swell with his child...
it pleases him greatly, a small smile touching his lips.
"well, aren't you sweet, my dearest?"
such simple words, yet they relieve so much tension from your shoulders. you can't help but smile back before a little gasp falls from your lips when his hands start to lift the dress up. his hands, they're so big, so hot on your skin.
It's a struggle to remember that this is for the purpose of producing offspring and nothing else, but you try, you try so hard.
but when you hear the hitch in his breath at the realization you didn't have anything else underneath the dress after he pulls it over your head, it's hard to remember.
the thought just about completely leaves your mind at the way nanami, your usually put-together husband, looks so hungrily down at you, a look you've never seen before in those pretty hazel eyes.
his gaze lingers on your body for a moment, mouth opening before shutting instantly, preventing himself from saying something he'd likely regret.
calm down, kento, he reminds himself, taking a second to clear his mind. this is for the purpose of family, not sinful and carnal desires.
even so, he's drinking in the sight of you, unable to stop his hands from rubbing up and down your sides, the soft skin of you, his wife, warming his palms. all his.
"gorgeous," he mumbles, unaware he even said it.
the moment you feel his leaking cock brush against your leg, a thought occurs to you.
neither one of you has a single idea of how to do this.
sure, you both know enough about putting it inside and moving, but that was about it. is there something else you should do? things you should say, places you should touch to aid in the process?
they never explained the actual process of sex in church, and lord knows your mother and father would've keeled over and died instantly if you were to ask them.
'it comes naturally when god deems it your time' the reverend stated once during a sermon. you fight back a frown, realizing that man probably had even less of an idea of how to do it.
however, the feeling of his tip nudging against your slit rips a gasp out of you, bringing you back into the present.
"are you alright? you left me for a bit there," nanami asks, his brow furrowed in worry. if you weren't ready, he was willing to back off. he may want to fulfill this important aspect of marriage, but...not if you don't want it.
"n-no, i'm okay! just...wondering how all of this is going to work out," you softly reassure, giving a weak giggle.
he can't blame you, he isn't very sure either. but as the man of the house and as your husband, he didn't plan on letting you worry. he would do all the work, you just needed to lay there looking so pretty, so soft, so...he realizes he's doing it again, letting his mind wander to places it shouldn't.
"just...j-just relax, we will figure it out as we go along."
with your silent nod, nanami starts to push his hips forward, hissing silently when he realizes the wetness that greets him.
you were this aroused just from...talking?
the thought of scolding you for letting your mind wander crossed his own, but...it would be hypocritical when his cockhead is dribbling precum all over your soft mound.
you choke out a noise of pain when his cock finally notches onto you and starts to push inside. sure, your wetness helped get the tip and the few inches after it inside, but just that is already too much for you, and you're expected to take all of it?!
you do your best not to move, not really sure what you should be doing. you'd be a good wife and bear with the pain if you had to, your nails digging into the pillow under your head as you braced yourself for the rest of his cock.
but this is absolutely unbearable, how do other women bear with this and have 6 or more children?!
a flicker of concern flashes through nanami's eyes at the sound you made, and he stops moving forward. he may be a bit mean sometimes, but he wasn't cruel.
if you both are going to go through with this, he is not going to make you suffer and nor is he going to force you to endure a painful experience.
no true man of god would do such a thing.
"breathe, don't hold it in," he instructs, his voice somehow calm and collected. one of his hands laces with yours, hoping to provide some sort of comfort as his lips brush against your forehead. "i've got you, darling, the pain will pass, just...tell me to stop if it gets too bad. don't hold it in."
giving a soft nod, you try to match his breathing, your body relaxing and making it easier for nanami to slip the rest of himself inside, a near silent sigh escaping him. the tightness and initial resistance that greeted him nearly made him moan, his cock twitching violently inside of you.
something about the physical feeling and knowledge that you saved yourself for him like you promised years before you both got married sent a surge of possession and pride, knowing he has such a loving and faithful wife who is so willing to give herself up to him like this...he can only hope you feel the same knowing he saved himself for you and only you.
so, as a 'reward'—and totally not because he fears you'll strangle his cock off with how tight you are—he's so gracious to you, not moving to let you get used to the stretch and feel of him inside, the room silent except for your matching breathing.
a few moments go by, and you should feel embarrassed when you feel slick drip out of you and down your ass. the realization that your dearest husband, one of the most faithful men of the church, is letting his cock soak inside of your hot cunt makes you whine a little, slick walls fluttering around him.
he's so fucked.
"a-ah...i'm going to move now," he warns, taking your sudden noise as a good sign. nanami shifts his legs just a bit before giving an experimental thrust, his brow furrowing as he slowly finds a rhythm.
the feeling of your hot and gummy walls is absolutely intoxicating, divine, nothing he's ever felt before.
this is what it felt like?
this is what he waited for?
fuck, it felt...it felt so good.
too good.
for you, the pain completely melts away, and you silently thank god and the angels above for giving you a merciful husband who is so kind as to wait for you to loosen up around him.
little do you know, he would rather kill himself than start moving when you're still adjusting to the pain and stretch.
his gentle movements make you all but melt under him, your eyes fluttering at the unbelievable pleasure coursing through your veins.
no wonder your parents preached about saving yourself until marriage, and thank the heavens you listened.
the very thought of feeling this way with anyone but your kento puts a bad taste in your mouth.
meanwhile, nanami chants prayers in his head over and over again as he tries his best to focus on the 'true' purpose for this.
the sticky, wet, and gooey sensation of your plump cunt sucking him, practically weeping each time he pulls out is just unfair.
the poor man, he's fighting so hard to maintain his composure, to not succumb to the base instincts that those soft moans of yours are beginning to stir within him.
"s-shush, darling," he grits out, hips still following his slow, deep pace. "don't...don't make such noises," he all but pleads, voice tinged with a huskiness that betrayed his growing need for you.
“i-i’m sorry! just, it...feels good, y-you feel good, feels s-so good,” you whisper, hands coming up to cover your mouth and stifle those sickeningly sweet noises.
but of course, that isn’t enough because each push and pull of his cock stirs your drooling cunt, filling the room with wet, filthy squelching sounds.
nothing about this is holy, nanami thinks as he grits his teeth, hands fisting in the sheets next to your head.
look at her.
those soft, muffled noises are truly music to his ears, his pace morphing from the slow, deep grind into a faster pace as your soft body gives into the pleasure.
so wet, so damn tight around my cock., like she never wants to let me pull out.
"k-kento, y-you're goin' too deep, i-i can't be quiet, s'too much!"
messy little pussy, 's beggin' for cum, needs it, needs to feel my tip kissin' her cervix as i pump load after load into her womb.
he knows what that little voice is, and no matter how much he wants to claim that it’s the sound of demons pouring their sinful words into his mind, he knows that it's his thoughts, fueled by those dirty little noises that she can't hold back.
how pitiful, how sinful, doesn't she know she's going against all the teachings they've heard preached every weekend in their church?
doesn't she know she's giving into lust?
doesn't she know her pretty sounds are making his dick throb, painting her insides with his hot, gooey precum?
"hush, 'm not going to t-tell you again, you...you need to be quiet," he growls, the command lacking its earlier authority.
nanami also knows lying is a sin, and he's doing a damned lot of it right now as he tries to convince himself that you need to stay silent. after all, this—this is just a process of giving you both a child, just like you wanted, and nothing else.
but he's lying to himself.
he needs you to be quiet or else he'll lose it.
the poor man is barely holding onto his restraint, and these sweet noises pouring from your mouth aren't helping at all.
"y-you make this so difficult sometimes, my dear..." his voice is rough with need and desire, a stark contrast to his usual composed demeanor. "but, by god, you're...you're. absolutely. exquisite."
he punctuates his words with a particularly hard thrust, grinding his hips into you in a way that has the coarse hair on his crotch to rub against your clit. the pleasure it gives you is electric, your legs coming up to squeeze his hips as you try to grind with him.
his words, his simple praise only makes you hiccup his name, crying out louder as your watery eyes roll back as your needy cunt squeezed down on his fat cock.
you're such a sweet thing, trying oh-so hard to mute your sounds. each snap of his hips is all but driving you insane.
“i-i can’t, ken, y-you don’t understand, i-it feels so good, i-i’m so full! you’re pressing against all the good spots, kentoo, i-i love you s' much, b-but i can't!”
be a good fucking husband and do what you were made to, nanami kento.
his teeth dig into his bottom lip, trying to hard to ignore that temptation purring in the back of his mind.
the voice is so much louder now, echoing throughout his mind and muting any prayers or pleads to be mindful of the sanctity of this whole process.
fuck her. give her what she needs, what she deserves.
but it's too fucking hard, he can't his hips are speeding up, his strong hands moving to grip your thighs, unaware of how they start to anchor behind your knees.
breed your pretty little wife and give her a baby like she deserves.
with a deep groan, nanami finally loses all control, fingers digging into your supple thighs to push them to your chest and practically folding you in half.
this new angle has him openly moaning like a dirty whore, allowing him to plunge even deeper into your tight, gummy walls, the head of his cock kissing your cervix with each and every deep thrust.
"k-ken, kenny, k-ken," you sob, tears catching onto your lashes as your entire being is assaulted by the endless pleasure your husband is giving you. he doesn't even look like your kento anymore, his pupils blown so wide that you can barely see the ring of greens and brown of his iris.
"f-fuck. 's all your fault, you know that," he hisses, eyes narrowing as he weakly glares down at you. but you can see the hearts in his eyes as he gives in to the pleasure.
his dark eyes bore down into yours, the wet plap plap plap plap of his hips slamming into yours almost overpowering his voice. "if y-you just stayed quiet like i asked, w-we wouldn't be here."
a little spurt of wet gushes out of you, making his fall forward into the juncture of your neck with a groan at the dirty noise it makes,
"god, i-i can feel it, y'know? can feel this sticky pussy—such a dirty little pussy—makin' such a mess. saved it jus' for me, didn't you, baby? mmhm—fuckin' hell, 's tight—thank you god f' giving me such an angel of a wife." nanami is huffing nonsense against your neck, pounding into you with a force that has the bed creaking loudly.
if you weren't being fucked stupid, you would be worried he was about to break the bed.
"you can keep that pretty mouth of yours shut, b-but you jus' had to have the noisiest little cunt."
he's so mean, but it only serves to make you gush even more, the way juices pour out of you and only make the already filthy noises even nastier.
"she's talkin' to me, baby, y'hear it? i'm...i-i'm gonna breed you," he manages to whine into your ear, pulling away to press his sweaty forehead against yours.
his tongue, so pink and pretty—you want it in your mouth, want to taste it want to feel it against yours—runs over his top lip as he watches drool drip down the corner of your mouth while you nod brainlessly.
nanami's never felt so dirty, so unhinged, but it feels so right, feels so fucking good. he never wants to leave your pussy, never wants to pull out, this is where he belongs, buried deep inside you as his cock pumps load after load right into your tummy, giving you what you need, what you deserve.
"yeah? you want that? i'll give it to you, baby, promise, 'm gonna be a good husband a-and knock you up, gonna make you a mommy."
that has you keening, tears pouring down your cheeks at the pleasure it shoots up your spine. you know you're close, but it's different.
it feels different, feels too much, there's pressure you've never felt before from the few times you'd cave in and play with your puffy, swollen clit in the shower when you waited for nanami to get home from work to kiss you to sleep.
no, you feel like you are about to fucking explode. "ken, i-i can't, 'm gonna—s-something's coming," you try to warn, your hands fisting in his hair as you tug and tug and tug.
the pull of his hair makes him moan like a slut, it sounds so fucking good. his eyes are rolling back before he rushes to comfort you, pressing soft little open-mouthed kisses against your lips.
you don't need to fight it, you just need to give it to him, give him what he needs.
"shh, shh, don' cry, y' look t'pretty, honey. l-let it happen, cum for me, i've got you, angel, cum for me s-so i can fill you up," he coos, his hips growing erratic as he feels your silky walls starting to fluttering around him, feeling you teeter on the edge of release.
he shifts, just barely, just enough to better position himself to fuck deeper into you. but that slight movement has his cock smushing against something soft and spongy that makes you sob, growing softer and more pliant under him, and you know you are done for as all you can do is wail his name.
"please, pretty girl, cum for me, show me how good 'm making you feel, soak my cock, c'mon, you can do it."
with a loud mewl that nearly has nanami soaking your walls in cum, you dig your nails into his biceps as you finally, finally cum. and you're right, it is different, your cute pussy squirting and creaming all over his dick.
the poor man is choking back a whine, eyes wide in shock as your cunt just gushes slick everywhere, clenching around him like a vice as you cum.
your juices are soaking his cock and balls, splattering against his lower abdomen obscenely. the thought of making you do that again crosses his mind for a split moment before the need to fill you up for being so good overpowers any other thought.
not giving you a break, he continues his unforgiving fucking, ignoring your cries and pleads for him to slow down.
"nonono, shh, shh, shush, you can take it," he coos against your lips, no longer caring if this was sinning or not. all he could think about was the constant squeezing and spasming of your poor overstimulated slit that was milking him toward his orgasm.
you try to squirm away, but the way he has you folded in half has you unable to do anything but accept his stupidly deep thrusts that make you swear you can taste his cock in the back of your throat.
"t-tha's it." he's panting, slurring his words, his fingers digging into the fat of your thighs. it’s so wet, so messy now, but he can't find it in himself to care.
no, all he can think about as he looks down at you is how you'll have that angelic glow as you grow round with his baby, and everyone will know you're his, that he knocked you up, he pumped you full of his cum, that you're his you're his you're all fucking his—
"f-fuck, honey, i-i can't..." his hips stutter as he does his best to maintain his rhythm, but his own release is barreling down on him. his heavy balls are drawing up tight as they slap against your ass, your juices still pouring out and soaking all of him.
"'m gonna fill you up, 'm gonna pump this—this sinful little cunt f-full of m'cum, angel, gonna knock you up, gonna have you drippin' with me, g-gonna give you a fuckin' baby, shit—"
with a deep, guttural groan, nanami hisses your name as he buries himself as deep as possible, his hot tip kissing your cervix as thick, hot ropes of his potent cum pour right into your womb, hips grinding into you and giving little thrusts as you milk his cock weakly despite your overstimulation.
it's—it's so much, he's still cumming, how was all of this inside of him? you can practically feel it sloshing around inside of you, and you whimper when you feel it gush out around his now softening cock, dripping down your ass onto the bed.
a moment or two passes, and he sits up, pushing his sweaty hair out of his face and looking down at you.
oh.
you sweet thing, you're an absolute mess. you have tear streaks down your cheeks, your lips swollen from him unknowingly biting them between the little kisses he was giving you, a pretty sheen of sweat on you, and...
his eyes trail lower to where his dick is still nestled inside of you, and it takes everything in him to not accidentally thrust his hips a little bit.
it's a creamy, sticky mess, a mixture of his and your cum seeping out your poor, abused pussy.
"o-oh. sorry, my love. i'm...not quiet sure what happened there. i apologize for such...foul language," he mumurs, his hand stroking your hip. "'s okay," you softly coo back to him, your eyes fluttering shut as you try to catch your breath. "i-i liked it..."
but you quickly learn you've married both a man of god and a curious, insatiable bastard who can't help but drag his cum all over your pussy, quickly finding your clit. and the reaction you give him is one he decides he likes, your hips canting up as your soft, oversensitive walls squeeze around his cock again.
"k-kento, that's nasty!"
all you get in response is a grumbling noise in his chest as it takes you weakly slapping your hands against his chest to get his eyes to snap away from your gooey, creamy pussy.
clearing his throat, he looks down at you, that heated look slowly creeping back onto his face. "perhaps we...we should try once more. just to ensure it takes," he states, doing his best to show some semblance of dominance.
but it's impossible when his hair is sticking to his sweaty forehead, his pupils blown as he gazes down at your panting form like he's about to devour you whole.
"after all, a...a big family is what god wants from man and woman, right? so we...shouldn't delay and keep trying." his hand trails up your side before finding its way to your breast, squeezing the soft flesh.
his thumb experimentally rolled your nipple, and the way your body reacted, a soft gasp of his name...how is he supposed to explain the feeling he's getting in the confessional booth?
"y-yeah," he gulps, leaning his head down. you can feel his hot breath against your tit, and you swear you feel drool drip onto your breast. "w-we'll keep trying. jus' to make sure w-we do what the scripture asks."
may god forgive him for being such a fucking liar and a damned bad one at that.
all rights reserved © lxnarphase | do not repost, copy, translate, or alter my work
#nanami x reader#nanami kento x reader#nanami x you#nanami kento x you#nanami smut#nanami kento smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#˗ˏˋ ★ lxnarworks .ᐟ#[💳] kento .ᐟ
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I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈
(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot
(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)
#I love AI as the behemoth it is#yeah fuck all generative content it steals ideas money and dignity even if you may#the whole thing is so so big i feel is like saying you are antiagriculture bc you don't like the current shape of watermelons like#very valid yes but also you are like 30 thousand years late and aslo everything Everything#and i dont mean just plants Everything has been made of or shaped around it so#in a personal note#like when boi am i getting angry uhm when someone#points they use ai for this or that like to interact even just kill time and they go (here tumblr) no no talk to me to them we arre so open#and ready but like thank you really and it is helpfull but in my vety personal experience it feel like#a wrll intented oh take a deep breath just deep breaths mhen youre drowning like uhhh thanks yeah#the intention is good and it may work to a extent but like ahhAHSHAHHHHHHHHHHHH UHM YOU SEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH#Please if someone somehow for any reason happens to read these heres my explanation point of view#I love AI and am conscious of the problems and bad things it brings#specially here in tumblr where there are sso many artist and writers and such#also all the very crimi al things#like recognized crimes that AI can be used to for#but it is so big so so so much more than that and i promise you is everywhere and it is basically unstooable now like mybe 40 years ago but#now? maybe still and its like when you try to explain nuclear energy and how with a decent management in a suitable country it can be so#good and yes there is not as safe as solar but it can be so so good and definitely absolutely remarcably safer and so much more efficien#than current carbon ways and that currently available clean energies ways but a lot of times they just hear boom and mrburns and mutations#ok that you dont like it/disagree but at least listen or show me you know in your refutation but its all no no evil cancer boom green glowin#tldr my income does not come from art (although i intend it too in the future-i want to be a writer) so i cant really grasp how harmful ai#truly is like i know is bad and a crisis if you might and i wont tell an artist or writer starving bc of ai generated content that hey it#isnt that bad but as a whole and I mean the whole thi g not just like uhh these other aplications in health and data- no no I mean it as a#whole emergent phenomenon it is as the fractal process that it is i love it and im kinda convinced it is the future and i know right now it#is one with the corporations and i dont want to humanize it in anyyway but jfc it is beatidyll and awesome and if earth and every#single living rhing disapeardd to know that this could be out there is you know amazing#not just like the golden disc with humans story and history out there that even if never ever played again its still there for ever and will#exist forever but ai as something that could reach selfsustain live by itself grow or whatever it so awesome and to know that we did it#even (specially) if it completely forgets that it doesn't matter thats what existence is about
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