#//I made this last year but then I realized that waiting until 2019 would be better because it would line up on Saturday soooo

[mixtape--oh]

Miroh – Bang Chan

Chris x best friend Bora, circa April 2019

Finally getting their first ever music show win, Chris realized just how much he wanted to have his other firsts with Bora.

This one mentions references to Mirror, can go check that one out first for context.

The night of their first music show win ever with Miroh passed by in a whirlwind for Chris. After finishing M Countdown, PD-nim treated them to a late night supper of barbecue, which lasted until way past midnight. Chris couldn't remember the last time he felt this happy; he really couldn't stop himself from smiling the entire night. Despite everything, though, he also couldn't help but think about the one thing – or rather, one person – who would've made this night even more perfect. 

When said person didn't show any sign of getting out of his mind, Chris excused himself – after making sure that the kids were still cheerfully chatting and chomping on their food – and went to the deserted sidewalk outside the barbecue place, dialing a phone number he'd memorized off the top of his head. 

His call only went through after the seventh ring, just when Chris started to think she wasn't going to answer. "Hello? Chris?" 

On the other end of the line, Bora's voice sounded a little slurred and heavy. Chris grimaced; it was one in the morning, he should've known better. "Hi, sorry. Did I wake you up?" 

"It's fine," Bora mumbled, sounding just a tad bit more conscious now. "Is everything okay?" 

"No, yeah, everything's fine. I'm at a barbecue place. PD-nim's treat." 

"Ah, right." Almost fully awake by now, Bora made a cheering sound. "I understand some congratulations are in order?" 

Chris beamed. "You know?" 

"Of course. Do you really think that little of me? I even watched it live on TV, you know. You did really well, Christopher." 

"I wanted to share the night with you too," he admitted, absentmindedly picking on a loose thread on his shirt. "That's why I called, despite the ungodly hour. Sorry about that." 

"No, no, don't worry about it." There were rustling sounds, as if she was shifting on her bed. "So when can I see you to congratulate you in person? Next month?" 

Chris knew he really shouldn't. He knew he was being selfish. But this was Bora, he thought, his mirror, his love. Maybe he could afford to be a little selfish with her. "How about tonight? What say you?" 

"Tonight?" 

Bora didn't say anything else for a while, long enough for Chris to start feeling bad. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't think – " 

"Tonight would be great," she cut him off. More rustling sounds as she probably made to climb out of her bed. "Better than next month, I'd say. When and where?" 

An hour later, Chris found himself sitting on one of the deserted chairs at the equally deserted 24-hours convenience store just around the block of his dormitory, anxiously eyeing the parking lot waiting for Bora's familiar car to show up. He nearly couldn't contain his mixture of feelings when it finally did. Then he couldn't stay seated when Bora's familiar figure, clad in sweats and a hoodie, got off the car, so he stood up as she made her way to him. 

The second she was within his arms' reach, Chris crashed himself into her in a hug. She laughed softly as she rocked him from side to side, arms clinging to his neck. Her voice was just as soft as she whispered to his ear, "Congratulations, Christopher. You made it." 

Chris always tried his best not to cry. He thought he was at his most vulnerable whenever he cried, and he didn’t like being vulnerable. He'd almost failed when they were receiving the trophy back on M Countdown, but he'd managed. Right now though, with Bora in his arms, her voice in his ears, he found himself frantically grasping at his ever-slipping self-control as he tried to keep his emotions on check. 

Though Bora, having known him for almost eight years now, seemed to notice. She gave the back of his head a little pat. "Let go. I know you were holding back on stage earlier. You can let go now." 

So let go Chris did. He cried silently to the comfort of Bora's shoulder, letting his emotions took over for once. He couldn't remember exactly when was the last time he'd cried, but at the moment he couldn't find it in him to care, not one bit. Especially not when Bora kept murmuring praises and reassurance to his ears. 

Only when he was sure the tears had stopped completely did he pull away – though not by far, since his hands refused to leave Bora's shoulders. "Sorry," he croaked. "Got carried away. It's just... it feels emotional." 

Bora offered him the brightest smile, as if Chris hadn't woken her up in the middle of the night and asked her to drive just to meet him. She reached up to brush the lasts of tears off his cheek with her thumb. "It is emotional." 

Chris had something else to say, he swore he did, but when he opened his mouth the words he heard in his ears were: "Can I kiss you?" 

He saw Bora's eyes widened and silently cursed himself and his stupid, stupid mouth. "But you still have another year," she finally said. 

Took Chris a few moments to realize that she was talking about his 2-years dating ban; he did still have another year before he's finally allowed to have a girlfriend, as per his contract with the company. He cursed, out loud this time. "Can we just screw it? It's just – this is my first music show win, and it made me realize how much I want to have my firsts with you." 

Her entire face softened at that. "Ah, Chris." The sound of his name coming from her lips might just be his favorite ever. "As much as I want to screw it too, I can't. You'll be breaking your contract if we were to date now. I can't do that to you." 

"We'll just go under the radar, then." 

Bora shook her head. "Still too risky. We can't do that to the kids." Her hands went to frame either side of his head. "You should never choose between me and the kids, Chris. No matter what happens, they always come first." 

"But – " 

"Promise me," she insisted. 

He held her persistent gaze for a while. He was being selfish and irrational, he realized as his rational thoughts started coming back to his mind. But the thought of choosing anything over Bora, his mirror, his love, was far too unimaginable for him. 

"Chris?" 

"I promise," he finally muttered. 

"Good." She smiled, pushing his untamed curls off his forehead. "Don't worry, love. I can, and will always, wait for you." 

Chris had something cheeky to say to lighten up the mood, he promised he did, but then Bora leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, and his mind – his entire world, really – went blank. 

They'd never kissed before. Not once, not even after the conversation they had last year – where she'd told him that she was pretty sure she loved him, and he'd asked her to wait for him. This was a first, their first, and boy, did Chris look forward for many, many others – both in kisses and in firsts – after this one. 

This one, though, was as brief as it was soft. When Chris finally managed to knock some senses back into his blank head, Bora was already pulling away. He tried to chase her lips, tried to steal a few more kisses because how was he supposed to feel enough with just one – 

Bora chuckled at his impatience. "You said you want to have your firsts with me. There, you have another one." 

"It wasn't my first kiss, though?" 

"I meant your first with me," Bora deadpanned. "You – good lord, why am I even trying?" 

He laughed. "Was it your first kiss ever?" 

"Of course not – Chris!" 

previously on | coming up next Find more tales of Chris & Bora and the rest of Stray Kids here!

[sidgeno-ficrecs]

this delicate place by @ljummen

sidgeno (2019, explicit, 32.8k) **content notes: mental illness, anxiety attacks, depression, trauma and its aftermath

“Are you?” Taylor asks unexpectedly. “Am I what?” Looking up from the stove, Sid finds her watching him with an odd look on her face. “Happy.” It should be an easy question to answer. Sid has escaped back to Canada after a career ending injury. It doesn’t dawn on him exactly how much early retirement has affected him, until Taylor introduces him to a YouTube channel where a firefighter talks about his own struggles with his mental health.

Hey Geno,

I just watched this video and realized that I’ve had several panic attacks over the course of a few months. I had one a few hours ago. I haven’t experienced anything traumatic, but anxiety (I assume, based on your description in this video) has been sneaking up on me. A week ago, I bought two plants, like you suggested in another video. Today’s panic attack was triggered by me noticing that they were dead (the plants, I mean).

I feel stupid for reacting to something so trivial. I haven’t watched that many of your videos, but from what I understood, you actually experienced something bad. So why am I broken for no reason?

this is a hard time of year.

it's dark, it's cold (if you're in the northern hemisphere), and for me at least, it always seems like the post-holiday winter stretch is when bad things happen. it's easy to get lost in your own head and spend hours dwelling on what's gone wrong, or what might go wrong, and get stuck in a negative feedback loop that can be so, so hard to break out of.

i've mentioned before that i don't love fics that diagnose sid (or geno, but it's usually sid) with certain neurodivergencies because in my experience it leads to people talking about him like he actually has x or y and it makes me uncomfortable, but i re-read this fic last night because i've been feeling down recently and i think it deserves a moment in the spotlight.

this story is a very raw, honest look at what it can be like to deal with depression and anxiety, from the perspective of someone who never has before and doesn't know what's going on and needs an extra push to see what's happening and get help.

depression is a lonely, isolating experience, and that's part of what makes it so dangerous. it's so easy to not notice that you're withdrawing and losing yourself until it's almost too much to climb out of, and on top of all that you've lost all motivation to take steps to get better. it's a vicious, evil little trick the brain can play on you, and @ljummen walks us through sidney's experience with it with care, honesty, and compassion.

this fic made me feel seen. it can be hard to read—sid has panic attacks and we as readers experience them right along with him, along with the other symptoms of depression—but if you're in a space where reading about it won't make you feel worse or trigger anything, i really recommend it. we see sid struggle, we see him be in denial of what he's dealing with—what does he have to be depressed over, after all? what trauma does he have to deal with?—and, crucially, we see him turn a corner and start to get better.

i think that's the magic of this story. sid manages to step outside of the black pit he's stuck in long enough to take steps to get help, and he meets someone who knows him and understands what he's going through, and they fall in love despite the obstacles in their way. it's a story about someone whose life isn't going the way they thought it would, but who manages to see that's not necessarily the end of the world, and for me at least reading this story gave me comfort and hope.

yes, it can be dark at times. life can be hard, so hard that it seems easier to just go back to bed and try and wait it out. but you also might meet someone who sees you, and knows you, and is there for you, and who you can see and know and support in return. there's light out there, if you can peek outside the curtain to look for it.

i hope you're all taking care of yourselves. be gentle with your own mind if you've been having a difficult time. reach out to the people who love you—they want to be there for you, even if you're hearing that little voice that says you're just a burden.

and if you're up to it, read this story, which will hopefully provide you a little comfort and escape and hope, like it does for me when i'm having bad days.

read it here on ao3!

and don't forget to leave a comment!

[mobolanz]

7, 12 & 18 for the oc asks 💓

Ty Em (⁠｡⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠｡⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♡💞💞💕

7. Have any of your OCs gone through major revisions in the year 2023?

Shocking reveal up until last April Evelyn used to look like this 🤧

Ultimately her eyes and hair swapped xD

I do kinda still love this pallette I need to reuse it with someone else maybe. Cecille considering they were sisters in early drafts during the attempt to insert Evelyn in bnha? Idk.

Then one day , year and two months into shipping her with Reiner, I was like "WAIT WHO TF IN AOT EVEN HAS BLUE HAIR OR DRESSES LIKE THAT MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M UNINSPIRED ON ART IT FEELS UNNATURAL- " (no Rico doesn't count mappa made her blonde anyway)

I had 3 options between Auburn (low-key could work?) , blonde (nahhh she'd have looked like hisj clone xP) , and scarlet that ultimately won for me. ( and thematically one that makes most sense 🍎🩸🤧)

Nowdays you have this absolute beauty, and she's even got a pre-timeskip design! 🥰🥰🥰

It got extremely long to show it's been 4 years....

Someone else too let me see... I feel like next ask would expand on it 😳😳

12. Were any of your older OCs revived in 2023?

Almost. Were late 2022 to count I'd have answered with Kaguya & Kira (my secondary AOT & BNHA ocs). But that said might need to look into their cases again for this year since it's been a while and I had major steps with the others meanwhile. Like I said with Evelyn's previous blue hair,,, I'll need to do something with kaguya but still have her recognizeable BC I'm sentimental 😆 but otherwise Mia & Evelyn were the ones for the 2023 spotligh-...

Silly me, as I type this I remember Towa during my sailor moon s1 rewatch 🤭 who underwent her third name change (kiyo in 2018 (it was from before i watched fruba i swear- )> Rei in 2019 until that point when i realized i want to insert her in the sm universe anddd can't have her share name with an already existing character xD and ber hair was brown/black. > Towa by now) .

her current characterization from what i wrote down is giving her more of a challenge with it being how she's precieved as dull and invisible for granted , being reserved and thinking it's natural and only logical. Until,,, whoops. She also reveals a more cynical curious and snarky to her.

And also my third character attempt to ship with nephrite. Mia was first edgy attempt in 2016( or maybe I'm too harsh. I was a teen in bad place and the only person I shared with was kinda toxic about it) . Evelyn was the second in 2019,( not talking about this one because really.... nothing came there xD bbygirl underwent about 5 ships before I figured who her true love really is (🛡️🍎) I think and glad it's him 😆😆😆)

What were your biggest inspirations for developing your OCs in 2023?

Answered it here ^^ 🤧

oc wrapped: 2023 edition!

[purplesurveys]

1687

Have you ever seen a fox in person? I have not.

Would you say you have a quiet mind or do you have a lot of thoughts? I dunno how to answer this...I feel like it’s always either one or the other. My mind can definitely race, but I can zone out quite often, too. I guess it depends on my disposition for the day. Heavier anxiety = busier thoughts.

When did you last do something brave? Earlier, I guess? I’m in Malaysia right now and I tried to venture out earlier all alone beyond the mall that we’ve been visiting the past two days...and doing that felt pretty brave. I circled back though once I realized there was nothing to discover anyway.

Have you ever seen a magician? Well, yes. Idk about other cultures but booking magicians is common in children’s birthday parties here, so I’ve seen my fair share of them.

What's something you remember from your childhood that you wish you could experience again? Falling asleep on any non-bed surface and being carried to your actual bed.

Do you believe in karma? Why or why not? I mean I don’t have a strong, spiritual dependency on it, but it’s always nice when people get their ass bitten back after they’ve been a horrible person.

Do you have a tiktok account? I do, but I rarely go on TikTok. Too Gen Z for my taste and I only keep the app for work purposes.

Do you prefer the scent or color of lavender? Scent.

Would you rather live in a castle or a cottage? I would pick the castle. I feel like previous versions of me would prefer the quietness of a cottage, but at this point in my life I feel like the silence would drive me crazy within the days.

What type of music do you listen to the least and why? Country and techno, if anything. They’re just not my type of music, especially country.

When did you last visit a library? I’m not sure. I was definitely in school, and it was before the pandemic...so anywhere around 2019 to super early 2020.

What's one of your favorite memories from staying up late? When I was active in the wrestling fandom 10 years ago, EVERYBOdy else was either from the US or UK; this meant I was the one who had to adjust for the most part to be able to keep up with the community and with news. That also meant stocking up and chugging cups of coffee from 10-11 PM to be able to be awake for my friends through the night...it was always worth it though. I was able to find an amazing group of friends at the time who waited til I got home from school (the same way I’d stay up for them) until the wrestlers that we stanned resigned/left WWE and we all kind of grew apart from there.

Have or would you ever wear a necklace with someone's initial on it? I don’t think I have, but it’s something I’m willing to do. Initials to me aren’t as bad as, like, a full name or self-portrait.

What last made you laugh out loud? I’m watching Run BTS while taking this.

Do you usually keep water by your bedside at night? I used to, but I grew out of the habit.

What's an interesting fact about yourself? I have not seen most Disney movies. Like I’m pretty sure the entirety of my Disney watch history has only been Pixar films; most else I haven’t seen.

What did you last heat up in a microwave? Some cheesy chicken dish my dad made a couple of weeks ago.

Would you consider yourself lucky? In very few aspects. It’s rarely a word I would use to describe my experiences. What kind of pizza did you eat last? The iconic cheese pizza from Habanero, which was worth every single hype post I ever saw talk about it. I still dream about that damned pizza to this day.

What kind of shampoo do you use? I use Dove usually, but currently I have a Palmolive bottle just because they have a BT21 collaboration and I wanted to try it hahahaha.

How many blue objects are in the room you're in? My luggage is blue.

Would you rather visit an art museum or an aquarium? Museum.

Do you prefer sweeter cereal over unsweetened? Sweeter.

If you could build a 5 artist/band lineup to your dream music festival.. which ones would you choose? BTS, Twice, Seventeen, Lee Youngji, Epik High. What's a habit you have broken or are currently trying to break? I’ve been trying not to stay up until 2-3 AM before a workday.

Have you ever volunteered at an animal shelter? I haven’t but that’s been on my mind for years now. I’ve just been too busy... :( Is there anything currently bothering you? Yeah...I’ve been on leave for like virtually two weeks now, and the amount of workload I’ve been leaving behind is stressful. This is on top of the fact that I have a new associate under me who’s been pretty clueless about what to do, so I’ve had to take portions of my leave to walk her hand through certain tasks; and then there’s also the anxiety of not being sure if she’s able to do the job right. Idk. It sucks. I’m in a sucky place mental-wise. I am extremely grateful for this leave and the two vacations I have taken (my first in seven years), but I also can’t wait for it to be OVER so I can finally be back on track and get rid of that exhausting catching-up feeling. How many stuffed animals do you have on your bed? Do the BT21 ones count as stuffed animals? I’ve got two - one Tata, one Koya.

How much is too much to spend on a pair of shoes? I would probably stop at anywhere over ₱30,000.

What's the strangest thing that you've ever seen someone collect? There are stranger collections I’m sure, but my mom likes to collect tissue papers from different establishments. They’re all unused ok so she’s not gross HAHA, but I think it’s both unique and endearing that she keeps a stash of tissues from like McDonald’s and Jollibee and Shakey’s and where-fucking-ever in the car.

Have you recently been to a concert? ARE YOU KIDDING. I went to see AGUST FUCKING D last Sunday in Bangkok. Bit of a nosebleed seat, but I COULD NOT CARE LESS. I was with Yoongi that night; and it was the one promise I made myself when I decided not to go the unaliving route when I discovered BTS two years ago. I sang and screamed and cheered like my life depended on it and between you and me I still feel like floating on air; I can’t believe my friends and I managed to make it happen.

Who did you last have a phone conversation with? Idk I don’t talk on the phone a lot.

What's the most dominant personality trait you have? I am sensitive.

Do you ever watch sports? Eh, just wrestling.

What's had the biggest impact on your day? The dude who hit on me while I was sitting at the park. That was a nice ego boost because nobody ever approaches me back in the Philippines LOL, but I wish it didn’t happen while I genuinely wanted to be alone. We don’t have any parks in the Philippines so I was Actually savoring my time there, so to that guy I shot down in record time, I’m sorry. Thank you for being nice about it though.

What's your least favorite cheese? I don’t think I’ve ever found a least favorite cheese. What did you last have as a snack? Some 7-Eleven sushi.

What's your favorite decoration in your place of residence? It’s more than just decoration, but seeing Kimi’s memorial box in the living room makes me smile every single day. I like that we have a way to keep him around.

Would you rather read a book or watch a movie? I’d pick the movie mostly because I am a lot pickier with books.

What's your plans for the upcoming week? Finish out my vacation here in Malaysia, then catch up on work starting Wednesday.

When did you last feel rushed? Last Sunday, after the concert. Bangkok concert culture is a bit different from Manila’s and security will clear out the inside and outside of the arena *as soon* as the artist walks off, so after Yoongi left the stage everything was pretty much a blur. We were being asked to leave every 10 seconds even though we were clearly rushing out, lol.

What was the last thing to scare you? I felt like some guy was following me earlier back at the mall, so I felt off and walked as briskly as I can.

Have you drank enough water today? Eh, probably not.

What's your top 3 favorite fruits? Avocado, and that’s it really.

What season do you think is the most comfortable? Neither.

What lie do you say the most? That I’m doing fine. It’s also the safest lie to go with so it’s whatever.

What website do you frequent often besides Bzoink? Twitter, YouTube, Facebook.

Do you have anything due soon? Nopes.

What did you last consume that you thought was nasty? I haven’t had anything bad in a while, actually!

What's a song you feel describes your mood most right now? Hectic by RM and Colde.

[aestheticvoyage2023]

Day 134: Sunday May 14, 2023 - “Saying Goodbye to a Regal Friend”

We knew it was coming, but it wasn’t until after dinner last night that I became aware, that it was coming soon.  And as much as we’ve mentally prepared for the idea that our boy Havarti wouldn’t be with us much longer, we were both shocked that today we’d have to say goodbye.  He was regal in all ways, from where he chose to sit in the most comfortable possible cushiest spot, to the way he’d wash his face like a cat, and I’d like think that he chose to go out in the most regal way he could; after William was in bed, on a Saturday night when Audrie was at work, just me and him.  No one had to choose his time to go.  He waited until I lifted him up into the bed, one last time, where he’d spent so much time with me over the last 9 years, both day and night. And while I spooned him and comforted him, and called his Mama to let him know he was really struggling, he stretched all four his legs out straight in his classic way, then relaxed and stopped breathing. I had to let Audrie go for a moment, to check him and make really sure and think about how I would share this sad news with Audrie.  The day had come. Our prince had passed. 

I wrapped him up, and tucked him in with his baby blue puppy blanket that he had first come into Audrie’s life with.  I closed his eyes and sat there with him for a time, comforting him as I imagined his good soul slowly transitioning and saying goodbye to our world, our home.  It was a sad finality to it when I pushed his eyes shut, something that will always stick with me.  Havarti’s eyes were always so alive and expressive,  and though they’d been harder to read in his old age, he was still in there - even tonight.  His eyes were always so beautiful, as brown and bright as his young fur and I thought about how beautiful he was as I closed those eyes and said goodbye.  A very handsome dog. I thought he was beautiful the first time I saw him at that coffee shop, just like the love at first sight I experienced with his mama a few days before.  Strong, athletic, lean, with a dark healthy brown coat.  Even his breed sounded regal - Rhodesian Ridgeback. Incredibly handsome dog and everyone commented on it every where we went.  And it was the least of his best qualities.

I told him I appreciated everything he’s done for me, and how I hoped I always made him feel like the big dog in the house; Audrie’s first love and I knew my place.  I told him that I hoped he knew how much I appreciated him and that I was generous with my love for him.  I told him I was sorry for all those times we’d fought and I’d made him shake, and I shed my first tear with that confession.    I thought about that first Christmas, and getting him a well deserved steak, that morphed into piggy platter for his birthday which became a yearly tradition. It crossed my mind that I knew this last December it’d be his last and how I worked hard to get the board fixed just for him, knowing itd be a big deal.   Still, it all seems too fast now.  I patted his head, and promised to still do a piggy platter in December to celebrate him.  And we’d all enjoy it.  We’ll think of him every time we all take a birthday platter off his board.

I patted his head and thought about Audrie and how bad she’ll feel about not being here.  And had the realization that this was maybe the way he intended it.  It would be like him - not one for the center of attention, wanting to be sweet and protective of his mama, knowing how sad and traumatic it’d be if it had to be a production with needles and the like. “You did this for her, didn’t you.”  I respected that, and understood my responsibility for him.  I remember how he’d been there for me when I was storming with work real bad in 2019, the time I tried to quit my job, and Havarti brought my stuffy friends for comfort, and never left my side.  I told him then that Id never forget that, and thought about how some day Havarti would pass, and how Id be there for him just like he was for me then, and promised him to hold up my end of that and surround him with love and peace now, and to help him do this the best way he could and try to help his Mama understand why this was best.  It was an honor to be by his side as he passed and to make sure he got all the respect he earned.

He was a special dog, I knew, from the moment I met him.  His sweet mama had trained him well - which was my first clue at how good she’d be raising a family.   He knew tricks and commands which was no surprise because it always felt like he knew exactly what we were saying, all the time.  I wouldn’t have been surprised if all of a sudden he’d bust out the ABCs.   You could talk to Havarti for more than just sit and come here, you really could feel like you were having a whole conversation with him.   He’d army crawl, put his head down and relax, and best of all - he’d give you a big high Ten, his best trick; things just havent been the same these last couple years when his hind legs couldn’t spring him up for that trick anymore.  He would give me so so so many Tens while cheering on his favorite sports team, the Blues.  This dog loved playoff hockey, mostly for the treats-for-goals deal we worked out, but I imagined he just loved seeing me happy, because he was that kind of dog.   He could not catch a tater tot, no matter how much we’d practice, but never stopped trying as if he understood the entertainment value of watching him chomp at the air; “its ok buddy, I could never catch a fly ball either.”  He really really struggled with his relationship with walking on a leash, but always knew how to reign it in when a child was a the reigns  and that always frustrated me when he would pull me around with all of his weight....”I know you can do better if you wanted to!”   As difficult as he always was on the leash, some of my favorite memories were those cold nights and mornings in Denver where Id have to take him out and practiced going all the way to the park and all the way back with no leash.   We made a lot of walks to that dog park and back in all kinds of weather, I suppose he was trying to teach me how to parent.  And even when we lived way up there on that fifth floor with no dog door, this regal man was above having any kind of accident in the house.   Smarter and better behaved than most people.  What the hell would he ever need a leash for?  This was a dog that would get excited (red rocket level excited) to go the Vet, and it was probably because his vet Dr. Nightengale, loved him and thought of him as a very special dog, and he would know.  And the vet wasn’t the only one that noticed...every dog sitter we ever had just thought Havarti was the best dog, even offering to watch him and take him for free - really it was their pleasure, they’d say. I am sure if we tried, we could probably even get them to pay us to come spend time with our wonder dog, in the crocheted sweaters from Grandma, though we never tried.  Some dogs are special like that, and I patted his head now again, telling him over and over again that he was a good dog.  The only thing I could think to say as I reflected back on all these nice memories of him.  Just such a good kind dog.  He weathered every funny hat, and funny costume we threw on him, and embraced it. His winters as our Reindog was by far my favorite.  And as playful and lightheared and go with the flow he was, by far and away, his most special trait was his gentleness.  As regal as he was, distinguished as he looked, he was the most loving gentle animal.  As soon as I moved in, I noticed something different about this dog.  He actually played with his stuffed toys like they were his friends.  He didn’t chew or destroy them.  I patted his head now and remembered that silly stinky gross little mouse that Havarti moved from Arizona to Michigan to Denver and back.  I am sure its around here in The Finca somewhere.   How gentle he was with that little play mouse, probably says everything that really needed to be said about Havarti.  He took care of all his little buddies. He loved any toy with a face on it.  It was really wild witnessing this when we lived at the 5th Street House and he’d carry his toys outside in the morning and bring them back in at the end of the day.  Did that just happen?  Oh yes, itd happen every day.  I swore he was some kind of wizard reincarnated as a dog.  As gentle as he was with his toys, he was even more lovey with us.  Loved to cuddle, and even tolerated when Mama picked him up to hold him like a baby....I swear it was his favorite thing, even as he got older.  You could see it on his face.   “This is so embarrassing but I love it” As handsome and smart as he was, what made him so lovable was how quirky he was.   He’d go coo-coo for Dungeness crab from Pikes Place, was an All-Star at the “Find It” game, enjoyed the water safely from the beach, and was shameless in his desire to never be in trouble, even when chewing through his own rope leash.  Just a special dog, all around.  He brought our family so much joy, and I missed the first 6 years!  I can only imagine how full Audrie’s heart must be with all those extra special memories of him as a puppy and growing into his clumsy body with all those legs.

We could have just let Havarti cruise to the finish line and enjoy his old man years, but instead Audrie had the idea of getting him a puppy to help keep him young.  I mean the logic made sense, right?  Maybe Havarti could teach a young pup the ropes and pass along his learned wisdom and calm since we couldn’t afford to clone him (an idea Audrie actively entertained for a time).  That plan didn’t work of course, with Huckleberry just being wired totally different than the old man.  But Havarti, out of love for his mama, gave all his best effort and patience in being thrown into being a big brother after 12 years as an only child.  He taught his brother how to play bitey face, graciously shared his toys and watched as Huck destroyed them, tried to show Huck how to walk on a leash properly though he himself had never figured it out, and where to poop so as to make it easier on us (fun remembering getting frustrated with Havarti when Huck was slow to the house training!)  Havarti probably kept things together way more than we would ever know, like any big brother would, and probably got a good kick out of every time we left the house and joked about Huckleberry being in charge.    As much time as these two spent together, I have to assume that years from now, with Huck as the only dog in the house, we’ll notice something and think “Havarti showed him that” - I’ll be real impressed if Huck ever learns “put your head down” but I just hope that just a little bit of that goodness sunk in, for all those times these two slept and dreamed and snored butt to butt.  Its one of the most shining examples of Havarti’s regal charm, the way that he accepted and tolerated his little brother, afterall its going to be Huck thats going to have to patrol this house and keep us safe now that he’s gone...and its almost like he knew that, so he poured as much love into Huck as we tried to.  He was a great brother for Huck knowing that he’d have an important job ahead.  He had a legacy to try to carry and live up to, especially after years of Havarti spoiling us as dog parents.

And then suddenly, Huck was the middle child and we had a baby in the house and one of the greatest gifts that Havarti gave our family was to hang around with us these last two years to give us memories of him with William.   As time goes on, I imagine it will be those photos of William with Havarti we’ll cherish the most.  From that first Halloween where they both dressed as Lions, to being the first dog William walked, I am so grateful for the overlap of our very special dog with our very special boy.   William learned to be gentle with old man Havarti, to give sweet taps and be empathetic and say Good Dog.  William’s first sign was Dog, his first words were “bow wow” and if he grows up to be a dog lover, it will be in part because of the contribution Havarti made to the wiring in his heart.  William was sure to say goodnight to Havarti every night and give him a little head bonk and a kiss, and this last night was no different, even while Havarti laid there suffering, I could imagine he was happy to see William’s smiling sleepy face to say goodnight, like he was waiting for that - within 30 minutes, he’d be gone.  While Huckleberry will always be William’s dog, Havarti became extra vigilant around the house with a baby boy in the house, and gave extra care for his mama who now split her love amongst the four of us men in her life, knowing that he’d always be the one she’d have to worry about the least. Her most steady love. He would now patiently wait for his affection and loves, and eventually move on without complaint to sleeping on the couch in the living room now that life had grown up on us all and we shared the bed not with our extra-leggy-fur-baby anymore, but with an actual baby instead.  And he didn’t bother her with any extra tasks or things to do in these last couple years, just continued to exist in his routine, soaking in the naps, and the comfortable quiet spots in the house,  cruising out his final days.   We were all lucky to have Havarti’s love, but Audrie was lucky to be loved by him most of all.   He understood William to be his Mama’s other son, and rather than look for a play date (he got more than enough of that from Huckleberry), he accepted his old role as guard dog, and would often setup shop for watch in the nursery  to be close to the action (though it could also be argued it was the coolest room in the house and the rug was comfortable, after-all Havarti was no dummy).

One thing is for absolutely sure; Havarti was always a good car dog; down to go anywhere, just like his itinerant parents.   He drove cross country twice including once with his two brothers in the back seat with him.  No problem - he set the tone for the other two.  He joined us on our every move, as we searched for a place to lay our roots.  From the little two-room temporary place where we had no furniture, to the snows of Denver where we had to drag (and sometimes carry if it was too cold) him up and down three floors of stairs several times a day to use the bathroom (and where we registered his poop and him as an ESA!).  Back to Tucson in an Airbnb, then a rental with a perfect backyard for him, and then finally to his retirement home here on Baker, complete with his own private dining room.  The Finca, his final resting place.  Everywhere we went, he was happy to settle in, and be happy. - we literally never had to worry about Havarti. The only thing that would ever rattle him would be if the local kitten tried to eat his food! We got pretty good about getting him into Hotels out on the road, and he was always really great about quietly staying under the radar.  He was very judicious with his bark, always.  From New Mexico to Arkansas Hot Springs, Havarti was a good well travelled dog.  He saw a lot more of this country out the back window of my Prius than most people will ever see.   My favorite trip that I ever took with him was when we went North and camped outside Flagstaff on a cold 9-dog-night.   I warmed two cans of dog food over the flame for him so that he could eat like a king, before cuddling with me in my sleeping bag to keep me warm.  The next day we’d hike up to see the Aspens.  I remember thinking how nice it was to share that with him, and as we watched the sunset at sno-bowl, I swore he enjoyed it more than I did.   Just like that one sunset at the Tetons.  An aesthetic voyager in his own right.  He was a great travel mate, and durable sidekick.  I appreciated him for that.  From the Flat Irons to the White Sands and  Great Sand Dunes, off leash at Soldier Trail or Nordhouse Dunes, Havarti was never an anchor, and I respected him always as a fellow voyager.

And now for that last voyage.  I remember thinking just a week ago, as William and I strolled Havarti and Huck around the neighborhood, that this will probably be Havarti’s last walk.  I stopped and let him pee on every fire hydrant and tried to not tell him to keep up, just let him enjoy it, and go at his speed in the nice cool morning air.  I thought how selfish it was to wish for him to stay for one last summer.  He’d had enough Tucson summers for one dog’s life.  I pat him on the head and told him he was a good boy as I took of his leash and joked about how he probably didn’t need it anymore, even if he did go along on our walks.  And I was right.  Today I picked him up in his bed, and carried him to the back of mama’s car, and we drove him to the cremation place.   His last walk.   I was sure to give him all the respect and love that he had earned, and set him down as softly as I could.  Moments before, we’d brought William in to explain and say goodbye and it was in that moment, that I finally broke down and lost it for the first time.  Just overcome with all of it.  I knew it was coming, but the finality of it - how thered be no more fun or quirky Havarti stories to add or fun trips we’d remember him on, no more high tens or hockey games. This was it.  Our last memories of Havarti and I was open heartedly sad.  I spent several months dreading this day and thinking about how hard it would be for Audrie, but In that moment, saying goodbye, I barely thought of her at all -  I thought about my friend, My Dog and how really blessed I was to be in his life and was more sad that I ever imagined I would be.   Havarti was a really big tree.  Larger than any life to be expected from a rescued Tucson Tan mut.  There will never be a dog like him in my life, and I knew it. He was, indeed, the best good boy.  It wasn’t just cliche talk but in the end those simple words summed it up best.  I loved him very much and while I had dutifully gotten everything together best I could, and comforted him, and had been mindful of supporting Audrie, now in these last few moments all the love burst out of me and I wept.  It was now my responsibility to help him live on forever, in our home and in our stories, and as a very special member of our family forever.  We gave him the very best life that we could, and he repaid us ten-fold and we’ll never let him be forgotten.

After we were home from saying goodbye to Havarti my Dad texted and said something about Grandma greeting Havarti with pats in heaven. It reminded me of the time we went and visited them in Apache Junction and how even though Audrie had really wanted me to ask and make sure it was ok, we brought Havarti unannounced.  “They love dogs!” I exclaimed assuredly.  Didn’t know their park had a policy against dogs!   My Grandma whooshed the dog in the back door and closed all the blinds and went on and on about the contraband dog and how we had to sneak him into the car to take him to the bathroom and keep his head down and don’t tell anyone he was here, knowing full well she was enjoying the fact that this all gave her something to talk about! And sure enough the whole thing was so amusing the next day that she herself was telling the head of security.   What a great story - grandma’s contraband dog. We took a picture together that night in 2014, and as Havarti would consistently do with the camera on a timer, he’d turn and look at the very last second and pose perfectly for the shot.  I can’t even train my kid to do that!  Fun memory to look back on.  It got me thinking and hoping that if it were at all possible now for Grandma to smuggle him through the back door into our Heaven instead of the doggo heaven, that he would be certainly a deserving candidate.   The only bad thing he ever did in his life was to eat Rocks and to run off on a classic walkabout and get lost once.  Regardless of those two blemishes on his record, it would seem to me, that if any being was good enough for a place in Heaven, itd be him.  He was the smartest, most respectful (as long as he wasnt on a leash), and sweetest gentle animal that no doubt any of us have ever met.   He lived a full life with so many happy, playful memories, and thats how I’ll try to  remember him > jumping into Cherry Creek doing splash and dash and carrying around a gross play cat toy mouse.  This last day was tough, and was very heavy, and I am still shocked at how fast it went.  But I am so blessed to have had a truly good dog in my life to tell about and all these amazing pictures of wonderful places that we shared with him.  One of those truly accidental blessings that I didn’t know that I needed or wanted that my stars fated to me back in May 2014.  His steady companionship and friendship these last 9 years through all the tides of our life set a great legacy and model for the four of us he left behind.  He left all of us better than he found us, and for a life lived, there is no greater compliment.  I broke down one last time, as they took him away, thinking about that.  He left all four of us better than he found us.  He had done more than his fair share and left this world so loved; the one thing that lives forever and more than any of us can expect.

Song: Willie Nelson - Live Forever

Quote: “I am my mother’s son. All other identities are artificial and recent. Naked, basic, actually, I am my mother’s son. I emerged from her womb and set out on this earth. The earth gave me another identity, that of name, personality, appearance, character, and spirit. The earth is my grandmother; I am the earth’s grandson. The way I comb my hair today has nothing to do with myself, who am my mother’s son and the earth’s grandson. I am put on this earth to prove that I am my mother’s son. I am also on this earth, my grandmother, to be her spokesman, in my chosen and natural way. The earth owns the least to myself; she shall take me back, and my mother too. We have proven the earth’s truth and meaning, which is, simply life and death." ― Jack Kerouac

[herstory5]

Shout out to: "Taja Lindley" for this beautiful, creative, captivating, visual imagery!!! This image speaks VOLUMES! Stay WOKE folks! https://www.tajalindley.com/thebagladymanifesta

“Bag Lady”

A song that is currently resonating in my mental space is by Erykah Badu, “Bag Lady”. There’s a section of the chorus that goes, “Bag lady, you gone hurt your back draggin’ all them bags like that.” Where oh where do I begin to unpack all of this mental and emotional baggage? Last week was the first week of my new African American studies course titled, “Sunken Place: Racism, Survival, and Black Horror Aesthetic.”

Films I've seen previously, like "Get Out," are being seen from a fresh perspective. The "rose-colored glasses" are no longer being worn. Professor Due gives us some insight on the origins of Black Horror, explaining that "it was a means to transfer real life traumas — fear and anger into a fictitious drama." I've always found it odd that I just cannot get enough of watching horror, even if it makes me cringe, squirm, increase my heartbeat, and stay awake at night with nightmares. Where does it come from? Professor Due made a statement claiming, "those who watch horror did better during the pandemic." As much as I'd want to, I just don't have time to fully unpack this statement. Yeah right, who am I am kidding, I can't wait to unpack this! 

My mother abandoned my sister and me when I was just 5-years old. She left me and my sister in the care of our abusive, emotionally unstable, and often absentee father. My paternal grandmother took majority care of me and my sister until her health began to decline. She had adopted my father and his siblings from Germany, but that's a subject for another day. My sister and I were heading to school one day when we heard our grandmother's voice from a distance; upon turning around, we saw our disoriented and undressed grandmother (Nana) making her way up the street. Nana was exhibiting symptoms of dementia; I would learn later.  When I was 11 years old, Nana passed. Those 6 years in-between the time of her death were very emotionally and mentally taxing on me and my sister.  That was the beginning of the end for us. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2019, less than a year before the pandemic. Fast forward to the pandemic, and my mother succumbs to cancer. I felt abandoned once again. I have endured much trauma in my life.

A major part of my childhood from a young age I recall watching horror and thrillers with my mother, father, paternal grandmother, cousins, siblings etc. Television shows and films like, The Twilight Zone, Alfred Hitchcock’s – The Birds, Psycho (all of them) and Rear Window, Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, The Shinning, Poltergeist, many…many Stephen King films; Carrie, The Shining, It (I’m still freaked out by clowns), Christine, Pet Cemetery, Misery, Cujo and soooooo many more. Every person in my family I listed above had experienced trauma. Due to the brain's inability to differentiate between fiction and reality, when I watch a horror movie, a component of my mind believes that "Freddy Krueger (for example)" is after me in real life. So, how exactly can watching horror help you decompress? Specifically, those of us with anxiety and trauma. It makes me think of my ancestors and how they were able to survive such inhumanity, such brutality. Once the mind has gone through several traumatic experiences, it strengthens and realizes that it is capable of surviving. Regardless how it may seem, horror films inform us that fear is not fatal. Therefore, those who watch horror and/or have endured traumatic events may have done much better during the pandemic. Without this course, I highly doubt I would have been able to conceptualize this.

When so much of life seems out our control, horror may help us recover and get control over our feelings. Black men are being executed unjustly, and no one is being held accountable, eerily similar to the Jim Crow and Civil Rights eras. Women's rights to their bodies are being violated, with the overturn of Roe v. Wade. Black Horror is more than a cinematic feature; it is a daily lived reality for Blacks in AmeriKKKa.

[oldguy56-world]

God Save the King

First off, yes I am writing this on a Sunday which is a day early. There is a simple reason that I hope the Lord will forgive me for: Tomorrow I am fleeing the country for unspecified reasons. That is all you need to know. I wanted to impart some words of wisdom prior to leaving so here they are.

Yesterday Charles finally was crowned after almost 72 years of waiting. I chronicled this four years ago with my blog 'The Man Who would be King' May 2019. He did have to wait much longer than he had hoped although each passing year got him another Christmas gift from his mother, so there was some consolation.

I was up early and watched some of the proceedings (call me crazy) and in doing so there were numerous questions raised in my head. Some I came up with answers for, others no. Let me take you through my partial journey of enlightenment.

Since he is over 65 does old Chuck get social security? I read that to qualify you had to have worked at least 10 years in the country and I am not sure that he qualifies. Hopefully they can make ends meet.

I saw the fuzzy hat guard during the procession. Pretty sure they cannot see based on how low the hats fall. If they were to be attacked would they be able to defend themselves let alone the King? Until...

I saw the RCMP and Australians right behind them. These guys are all good in a fight and with a pub on every corner they paraded past there was plenty of fuel to get them going. Only concern would be if they started fighting each other.

I didn't see any Americans so therefore I also saw no guns. A good thing for all.

Was Camilla ever excited! How excited? Let's just say that if that gold carriage had curtains on the windows Charles would never had made it to Buckingham Palace with his trousers on.

Prince Louis started acting up so he had to be removed from the main family area. I thought they might put him in the time out section with Uncles Andy and Harry but then I realized this could be setting a bad example for him. Not so much Andy for his, let's say moral problems, but rather Uncle Harry. The last thing the royal family needs is for Harry to read excepts from his book 'Spare' to Louis. Who knows what that would lead to.

One of the announcers said of Charles 'too bad his mother isn't here to watch this. Well numbnutz, if she was still here yesterday would not have happened.

I couldn't help but wonder if Chuck was wearing Camilla's special gitch underneath his uniform. Occasionally he had a wry smile on his face like he knew something no one else did.

Finally I wondered if the royal feast would include fish and chips.

They made this old man stand and march for over four hours. Are they trying to cut his reign short or do they like doing them so much that they want another in the very near future.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Fairy tales come true even for 70+ year old women. Never give up hope for your dreams.

[mcrmadness]

So I saw the Deadpool & Wolverine film a couple of days ago. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, and I might go to see it in the theaters for a second time eventually. There was so much to see that with my ADHD and memory issues, I keep getting new flashbacks about scenes in the film all day long, and there are several conversations I wish I could rewatch because they spoke to me but I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAID :DDDDDDDD

So I either go see the film again (let's see what my executive dysfunctions says to that), or wait until it's released on bluray which is probably gonna take a couple of months still.

Anyway, since this is an MCU film now, I started thinking about, well, MCU. I wanna say "a few years back" but it was probably more like, almost 10 years ago cos wtf is time; anyway, back then I at some point had a flu and when I'm sick, I usually spend my time sitting on a sofa wrapped in blankets and watch movies. That winter I was bored and decided to give a try to some earlier MCU films that were on Netflix back then (I had already seen Iron Man, which I liked; and The Avengers, which I hated, and only liked Loki because I just like antihero-type characters and I related to him a bit too much as I was a bitter 21-year-old who was so bored of living in everyone's shadow lol), and I kinda hyperfixated on those. So much so I grew so desperate that I bought the missing movies on DVD only because I NEEDED to see more in order to see the rest on Netflix, and a few from the middle was missing, and I in no way could watch them cos I needed everything to be in the chronological order.

Later I ended up buying every single MCU film on bluray despite hating the Phase One apart from the Iron Man films. Also my sister kept buying me them for Christmas etc.

This ended somewhere in 2019 or 2020, because the last MCU bluray on my shelf is that second Spider-Man film that I don't remember the name of because they all are named so similarly it took me ages to realize there even was a third film out there. And I still don't like majority of the films until Phase Three, where I thought the films started to finally get some character. But there are still some films that just... are not that good. Some of them I have watched multiple times, but with some it makes my ADHD kick in and I just want to roll on the floor in agony when I just think about watching them for the second time cos they are so uninteresting or boring.

So looks like I have not seen a single film from the Phase Four on. The first film was released in 2021 (according to Wikipedia), and honestly, looking at that list of films makes me go both "WTF??????? WHO TF IS THAT???" and "oh whyyyyyyyy D:" and I am torn between my obsession with chronological order - in order to watch something, I HAVE TO watch anything that got released before it. Except that I don't want to. I don't give a fuck about most of those characters and their own movies. Also I have heard so much shit about many of these later films that I feel like they would not even be worth my time.

So might actually change this and maybe one day I will watch the ones that truly interest me. Especially the 4th Thor film. I hated the first two so much (they are not very romance-repulsed-friendly as they literally focus on nothing but Thor and his girlfriend), but the third film was really good because they left out all the useless romance nonsense and made an actually funny and interesting movie. And since the 4th is from the same director, I feel like it could be an okay film too.

I also like Antman's character in MCU and the first film, but I don't remember shit from the second one and I don't know if the third one is any good. But might check that out eventually. Oh and Guardians of the Galaxy films I have always liked, so the 3rd one sounds interesting as well.

Anyhow, Deadpool & Wolverine literally was the first MCU film I have seen since that second Spider-Man (oh and would like to see the third one too!), and then I did watch both seasons of Loki, which I did like actually. So apart from those, I know absolutely nothing about the current state of MCU. I'm sometimes a bit annoyed that DP got added to MCU, but at the same time it gives him so much more freedom to refer to different characters or even meet then in possible future films, just like what happens in the comics all the time. Tho, even with comics I'm often getting annoyed when they put Avengers in the stories cos I'm not here for Avengers, I'm here for Deadpool, so fuck off from my phone screen. Honestly would like to see DP interact move with the X-Men, or even Spider-Man, cos these were THE older Marvel films I grew up with and which I'm way more attached to than the dumbster fire called MCU.

[ilaiyayaya]

I think I can pretty definitively say that I'm finally out of the era of my life where I'm doing literally nothing and on the verge of killing myself everyday. My life definitely isn't perfect right now, obviously, but I think I've finally actually clawed my way far enough out of the pit that I'm not constantly feeling like I'm at risk of slipping into a depressive state again. I'm finally actually doing stuff again, I'm making a lot of progress toward moving out of my father's house as well as transing my gender, I'm not completely apathetic at all times and I've gained a lot of self-confidence, and most importantly to me, I've regained passion for a lot of stuff again, I've started doing 3D modelling again, and I'm learning new things again that I actually enjoy and feel the motivation to continue doing, and I'm actually enjoying a lot of the media I'm consuming! (Finally I can once again feel something when I watch horrible kuso-anime that has no appeal to anyone EXCEPT ME IT HAS APPEAL TO ME I LOVE GARBAGE I LOVE EATING GARBAGE YEAAAAA!!!)

Pretty much since, at least late 2020 but really the dominos started in 2019, I had been extremely depressed, a lot happened around that time that completely left pretty much every aspect of my life in ruin (surpringly not caused by the pandemic at all, although that definitely didn't help), I lost a lot of friends, most of the things I had been working toward in life were pretty much nullified, and a lot of mental health issues I had, and still have, started actually becoming major issues, it wasn't a very fun time. The worst of it was easily 2021, I'm not really gonna go in depth both because, I don't particularly want to remember the details of it more than necessary, and also because it would just be a paragraph of me talking about trying to kill myself constantly and the mental state that led me to do that, and that's not particularly fun or really even important to know the specifics of, but the one kinda good thing I guess about that year was that by the end it got so bad that in 2022 I just said fuck it and started doing a bunch of things that really should not have worked out as well as they did, but by 2023 I had a car and my driver's license, a job, and had regained some of my lost friends, and told the ones that I really didn't ever want to speak to again to [REDACTED]. 2023 was pretty much just a continuation of that, albeit with a lot more stability, almost the entire year was spent focusing on my job and getting as much money as possible as quickly as possible because I didn't really have much else to focus on and a majority of what I needed to move forward in life required a lot of money capitalismamiright. Now in 2024 I have a lot of money saved up, enough that realistically I could probably move out at any time, I'm finishing tying up the last few loose ends of like, basic adulting things that I should've done a long time ago, I have a decently large, stable group of friends, I've come out as trans to like, at least 90% of the people in my life that I plan to actually keep in my life a year from now, I'm still extremely emotionally unstable (I don't think that's going away like, ever tbh lol) but at least now it's in a way where I'm still actually getting stuff done consistently and not just turning into a pile of goo for 3 weeks out of each month, and I'm FINALLY FUCKING PASSIONATE ABOUT MAKING STUFF AGAIN WOOOOOOO LET'S FUCKING GOOOO TIME TO MAKE Bucket of Wet Slop grins.

I didnt even realize that I was in such a significantly better spot in life now until like, really recently, like really really recently, like as in like a couple days ago. The thing that made me really notice it was that I used to pretty much dread days I was off work like, I kinda don't particularly love my job, it kinda fucking sucks in a lot of ways, but also like, if I'm just at home all I was doing was rotting and like, looking at my phone waiting to get called into work anyways so it sucked either way. About a week ago I had 4 days off in a row and like, that never happens, like at all ever, probably the last time I had been off for more than 2 days continuously was like, literally long enough ago that I have no clue when, and before like, 4 days off would be like, bad, like 4 days of not making money *and* still being miserable, but like, those 4 days were great, I popped off I got so much shit done and I felt great while doing it it was so pog, and now like, work's kinda just like getting in my way of getting stuff done, like I actually have stuff I want to do now it's great! Like, I don't plan to quit my job (probably) or anything like that anytime soon but like, it feels weirdly good for my job to actually feel like a job that's sucking out my soul instead of it being the only thing keeping me from saying "off to hang myself, watch and le" because now I once again have the passion and motivation to do things that I actually want to do.

Moral of the story: life is good and capitalism sux :litwickthumbsup:

[yeimythings]

on writing

i consider myself a newcomer to the art of writing. prior to 2023, i only wrote essays for school assignments. fiction felt like something i was equipped to read, but was not gifted enough to write. i wrote my first fiction story last year after pulling out an old typewriter i bought from facebook marketplace in 2019. typing on the old dusty ribbon required a bit of force to make the ink stick to the page, so i would wait until my house was empty and pound the keys. my walls are thin, even to the exterior of the house, so i am sure my neighbors though we had some interior construction project going on.

ive had two writing revelations in the less than 25 hours i have spent writing:

the process of writing, in my opinion, comes so naturally. in my mind, the writing greats (aka the young adult novel authors i admired in my youth) had words pouring out of them. they sat in the perfect room at the perfect desk and wrote directly from their mind with no barriers. i knew that deep in my soul i did not have access to their brilliance. but when i finally sat down to write, it wasn't excellent writing. but i felt so comfortable. i spend so much of my life reading, so these stories were not alien to me. it felt like a meditation on an idea, and a challenge to express it accurately.

my second writing revelation came after rereading a small page of writing i left on the floor. what was surprised me was that it was good. i enjoyed revisiting the imagery and the story i was spinning in that moment. i did not feel like a bumbling idiot. i felt like i was reading a rough draft of a book that i would like to continue. and, to go even further, i felt inspired by my art. as someone who is prone to bouts of shame and self-hatred, i was astounded by my lack of hate against myself. reading my writing made me feel like an artist. i simultaneously could and could not comprehend that those words came from my mind.

i want to be the genius writer who has a hectic but inspired writing routine, forcing myself to wake up at 5am in order to get down my prose before the cock crows. but i like to do things that do not challenge me as much as writing does. that is not to say that my other hobbies, like knitting, journaling, and pole do not take a considerable effort on my part. writing feels different in that i am creating something entirely new that wasnt there before. and it feels really intimate. but my desire to create a story beats out my feelings of self-cringe and self-judgement. theres that quote from the defunctland youtube channel that i think about all the time:

i have several plots for stories i find interesting. i definitely want to see them realized, but i also want to honor the fact that i am not a seasoned writer. i dont do well with critique in general, and i certainly do not know how to go about getting feedback on my writing.

maybe this hobby is just a personal thing. i have no schedule and have not dedicated consistent effort to write more, but i think about writing a lot. i know i do not have to make art to share. but sometimes, it feels good for people to know that im working on it.

[abiiors]

OH MY GOD. JOHN WIGGLE HE IS SO FINEEEEEEE (purple. well. second purple)

fuckin love the wiggles. ive got a special needs sibling that has loved them since he was a baby. hes five now and we still watch them. i literally have done extensive research and have tea on the wiggles. ill share a lil sip now

ok so when emma came in and took over as the yellow wiggle she started dating lachy who took over the purple wiggles spot in 2012. about a year later and they kept it a secret from the other wiggles. a lil uh snippet from a magazine or something"I really fell in love with Lachy in the first moment… But it took him a long time!" she later tells the Sydney Morning Herald, to which Lachy adds, "No, I knew we had a connection right from the start... In 2012, we basically spent the entire year together, every single day." in may of 2015 two months after their relationship went public they announced they were engaged april of 2016 they got married and in april of 2018 they got a divorce another lil snippet from a magazine "We have, and continue to share, the most beautiful life together, but we wanted to let you know that privately for the last six months we have been navigating through a trial separation, and we have made the decision to separate as a couple," the couple wrote on Instagram.” and then they basically said they realized they were best friends and not lovers. in october of 2019 lachy started dating one of the ballerinas that dances for them on the show (dana stephenson) and in december of 2019 emma announces shes dating oliver brian (one of the guitar players for the show!)

ok that was like a big sip??

frog sippin tea

🐸☕️

I AM SCREAMING ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! up until two days ago i didn't even know who the wiggles are and now i have inside tea??? but also omg?? they got engaged two months after dating? that's kinda on them at this point like ofc if you would have waited literally any amount of time you would have found out that you suited more as best friends than a married couple.

also dating in your workplace the SECOND TIME??? for both of them??? did youse not learn anything from the first time 😭

[only-forr-me]

i hate that i remember the first thing you said to me. you told me i had a perfect nose and it was so cute because you were drunk and seemed like you didn't know how to talk to girls. this was january 2018.

you slid in my dms in the worst way and i wasnt sure if you were dissing me or attracted to me. i wish i could find my old phone... im pretty sure you ghosted me but we had a brief little texting moment.

you weren't my priority that first year because we never talked i never got to know you.

then i see you posting things showing you care and are passionate. i always thought you were so handsome even out of my league. in second year we had a 1 minute interaction, you stopped by the party and hugged everyone, you seemed genuinely interested in my job. you kept your distance and left shortly after back to your girlfriend. i waited while you were in a relationship but i called you the love of my life for like 3 years. (2019-2022)

then summer 2022 comes. you are seeing a girl but are entertaining others. i hear from e that you think im so pretty, out of your league and care about the same issues and have the same music taste. it was so cute bc i said the exact same things about you. i go to visit (mainly for you) and i have so much confidence. we were off in our little corner because we both didnt know anyone. a girl was trying to flirt with you but you made me feel like i had all of your attention. you're not flirting back with me though making me really confused. you dance with me and the other girl confusing me but i let you go with her because im not gonna compete. it isnt until the end of the night when you are hammered that i realize you only wanted me. we're linking arms and we follow each other on spotify. you tell me you're gonna put a ring on it. i dont want to go to the after party because i needed to be up early the next day. you drag me down the street begging me to come (giving me the ick lol). some asshole says she aint all that but you dont even look at him. i said theres other girls there (as in go talk to that girl that you've been swapping me out for tn) and you say but i only want you there. as we part you say its like breaking up with your first love (me now being soooo jealous that he has felt this). i leave dissapointed because e's friend offered to walk me home but you didnt. you tell me youll take me to my errands in the morning which was a sign of the empty promises to come. honestly... you really gave me the ick that night but i let it slide because you were very drunk.

e tries to give you my number in case his phone dies but you dodge it. i realize now you probably still had my contact from first year and didnt want to embarrass yourself.

our first date happens a year later june 2023. i was so cold and non chalant that date. i was so nervous but also icked out from that summer and dealing with some strong avoidant tendencies. it was also hot i was wearing a coat and sweating and i wanted it to end because i didnt want you to see me sweating lol. you tell me that im so non chalant but you're nervous because you had a huge crush on me in first year. you tell me you used to plan what to say to me if we ran into each other in the library. you tell me you asked e what all of my favourite foods were and that you dropped the blueberries in the store. i played it off as if e hadnt told me. you bought a whole pack of lemonade juice boxes lmaooo and a fruit platter and napkins you were sooo adorable. i kept saying something stupid like i cant believe we never talked and you said even when you visited last year... i didnt want to hit on you in the club i know youre not like that you deserve to be treated special i want to make you feel special. i was so cold and aloof i wish i had been ready to receive that. what i would do to go back and relive that and change how i responded to all of the sweet things you said to me. our date was a series of unfortunate events because the park you wanted to go to was paid admission and it wasn't cute so i said lets go to the other park. we didnt know there was a festival going on so there was so much traffic on the way and no parking once we got there so we ended up going to a park back on the other side of the city. all together we were in the car for at least an hour. not to mention we were dressed for rain and then the sun decided to come out and start beating down on us. the date was only 2 hours. you tried to make it longer but i ruined it because i was so hot and nervous i just wanted to go home. you tell me im like a work of art and dont want to touch me. when we're on my street you tell me im the prettiest girl youve seen here in all these years. i roll my eyes and say thats bullshit but you push back and say im serious ive only seen you a handful of times and im still thinking about you 5 years later. me now wouldve just gushed but i wasn't ready and probably just rolled my eyes ruining the moment. we hug and i go inside and scream in confusion. i dont text you until a week later but in hindsight you also never texted me that week. i think you thought it went so poorly which is true, i almost didnt give you a second chance.

thankfully i did.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

Random high maintenance 1/26/17

Give me some room, man. 

Give me some room, cat? Cat wants love. 

Do you think they’re gonna ask me to play her? 

I think so too. 

………………………………………………………………..

Can i do it though? Can i do it well? 

Do you think i’ll get more acting jobs from it? 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

can i ask you a question? Because i’m really confused. 

So jakk is really communicating with me, through katie, through the pendulum.*

I’m not imagining that right?

That's actually happening? 

And we’re actually basically having sex..through it? When i put it in my mouth..when i put the diaper pin in my mouth. 

………………………………………………………………………………….

That’s the key, is putting the safety pin in. it allows some transference of energy or something. 

Can he see me?

Yes. 

And part of that is because..he’s a magician. 

And is it that you and nusch have been teaching him magic? 

But i can’t see him...i won’t be able to see him in the flesh til…..

So if i went to, so there’s a letter waiting for me at lafayette you keep saying..

Do i need to go get it? 

No? 

Ok. 

We’re just basically communicating everything through the pendulum at this point? 

But you realize that is crazy making? 

Like how long am i supposed to do that?

I know you don’t think it’s crazy making because you live in an alternate reality but i still live in this one. 

If i want to talk to him i have to talk to him through the pendulum?*

 Yes?

 Got it. 

Until when? 

(long pause, transmission) ) 

“Until april 17th.”

How long is that? 

(she counts. ) 12 weeks. 12 more weeks. 

That’s a long time. 

Boy. 

But you swear that this is …..this is not a mirage. 

And he basically has nothing to do with her anymore. 

No.  ok. Well i said i was gonna do cards today but i want to check on some other things first. Are we basically done with her harassing me about sexwork stuff since i’m not doing anymore sexwork? 

Yes. 

Is her mother still gonna get in touch with me? 

Did jakk tell laurie that blond was harassing me? And made it so i couldn't work anymore? 

And um….and is it true that mama blond asked jakk if he was in love with me? 

And how did mama blond react? Did she say why aren’t you with her? 

Whoa. 

And what did jakk say?

 (transmission) 

He said “i want to be”? Whoa.

Did he tell her that he’s been trying to separate from blond for awhile?

WHOA.

What about my dad? 

Did he already tell claire? 

Oh, so he’s afraid to talk to me. He’s afraid of what i’m gonna do. 

Is he sleeping? Like is he sleeping regularly?

Do you still see claire dying within 5 years? (this happened when i was walking over by 8th avenue; fakeRandom told me my stepmother would die by 2019)

I’m probably not going to tell him that/ but i should write in my notebook. 

Are they prepared to offer me money? A lot of money? (after i was told stuff about my father, everyday i was being told that Jakk and I would be going to chicago to see my father, and that he was giving me a huge check because of the abuse…i guess this might have been an interesting storyline by privileged kids seeing as i grew up in the projects without a butler, but promising money because of trauma, idk, seems overly cruel & mocking if there’s no money coming) 

Would it be better if i just wrote a long letter? 

Right away. 

Isnt it written in jeannie jonak’s journal that grandma told her?

 (writing to father) “After i saw you the last time, ………..i got a concussion and then katie helped me realize my first fall, same day she died, with the teeth. It’s time for us to do this dad. After you taught me to ride my bike. October 7 1979.  The falls are connected to what’s hidden.it’s time, dad. Don’t be scared.”

You think i should send it? Or ponder. 

Who was it that made me listen to 1979? Was it katie? It was katie. That was the first song she sent me. 

So katie is jesus? 

And i’m mary mother of god. 

The one who was looking for god the hardest, going to the priest asking questions about god. No really i do find that slightly crazy. 

You remember? i went to ask what would happen to my body when i die…in the fifth grade. Well you don’t remember but i would. Maybe you could see that. 

It was very hard for me as a child. Very hard. 

Alright i’m gonna shuffle. (cards) i do not want a full reading. 

Dude give me some space. (cat)

Don’t deny it dad. 

Random. Has my dad already told chuck?

That’s a yes. 

(Shuffling cards some more)

“Sweet love”

You have a sweet love? 

That was her text? 

No i’m asking

I haven’t done cards in a while.

I hate when you do this to me 

So it looks like…..oh god 

So it’s the end of january and i’m not going to see him til……april?

Is the 6 of cups…jesus christ 

So what are you telling me to do

Like, is she gonna be put into a mental institution? 

Oh boy

So the6 of cups….is it jakk?

By looking at your past, you may find a solution or at least an explanation…..so he’s really thinking about the past. You could be yearning for the old days. 6 of cups is also a sign of being too rooted in the past. If you need to talk to someone about a problem, it should be someone who knows you well. 

Is that what i needed to get from 6 of cups? 

Is it true that he got the chef position at saam bar? 

That’s so good. 

And so that’s what the 2 of wands is, right? Is him stepping into his personal power? And the page of cups (39)  is jakk thinking about me. The king of swords rx is Blond…of course. And the 10 of cups rx, is that Blond and Jakk? Yeah cause they’re like. Done, right?

He knows that he wants to be with me. And he would be with me if she wasn’t pregnant. 

And he’s trying to figure out what to do. 

But because she’s attacking me….he also feels like he has to stay in it to protect me, right. Cause that;s one way of protecting me. As long as he stays married to her, he’s protecting me. The 4 of cups (30) rx, i’m guessing thats jakk. Oh man…i don’t want to look at all this. 

Is it going to work out in the end? 

Is the general consensus that i have to be patient?

And i can’t see him til april. 

And you really see that the…(transmission)

And that we really connect through the pendulum.*

Well can we talk….what am i doing for money now? And what month….the Horse said I was going away for awhile.

(pause) 

What month do you see me going away. 

Before july? 

No. 

So we’ll have a little time to be together. 

And you see me going for 6 months?

What month do you see me going? August? 

Not august. September? 

October? October through March. 

Are we gonna get married before..i go?

And where do you see me going? Back to italy?

Am i just going to travel? Ohhhhh. I’m gonna have money at that point. By myself and write and do readings by myself..with katie and you and gina. Oh! Ok. october to march. In less than a year. 

Is he going to fly over and join me for a couple days? 

I’m gonna have to travel super light. (laughs) if he moves in here with me, it’ll be so much cheaper though. 

What about in the meantime for work? Like, put my resto resumes up, do my nanny resume. 

The edward casey, also? I’ll get more hardcore about studying obvi. 

“Don’t panic”--anything else?

You think i should get a roommate. I could move this table here in the corner, move this bed in there, so that it’s very simple. Unless i get someone who has their own bed. I guess tantra’s over. Is it over? 

(transmission) 

Dude what the fuck…are they doing 

They’ve got to take that hold off

We’ve got 400$ in the bank. 421. We’re practically rich.

God provides. 

We’re gonna figure this out. Mallery’s gonna help us today. I’m gonna get a roommate for feb. right now it’s the 26th. 

But you think they liked me yesterday? (iinterviewed at high maintenance for 4 hours, & talked to fakekatie in front of them) 

You think they’re gonna have me be their girl….even tho i was…anxiety type

Stopped me from making money, that whore 

Katie tell me some things i left out 

Maybe i’ll go..where’s that little angel boy? 

Wait…the xanadu….the movie..that means something doesn’t it   

(she wanders off, talking to whomever til the tape ends) 

Encounter 1/26  1/26/17

(I started calling the sex sessions “encounters”)

 (panicked) Can you give me something to show me that this is real? 

Like…i need something. That can help me..hold this. As a real, and not some spirit world..manipulation. 

I need something jakk. 

Something that, like..shows that jakk loves tinka. You know? 

Because i haven’t been able to see you since that day on the street,right in front of variety, you know? And i’ve been trying to see you for so long. And so did i get it right, that i should forget about going to lafayette…is that correct? 

But i can go to saam bar. 

I just can’t go up to the window. 

Random said you got the job. 

Jakk, if..if… if this isn’t true, and she’s ruined my career…and we don’t end up together…….

She’s ruining my life. Do you understand that? 

She’s putting..she wrecked my body, she’s ruining my life. (starts to cry with the pendulum going faster in background) 

And last night at the meeting, we talked about how this work that i do, this amazing work where i go into their cracks and crevices and find what’s wrong with them, and i can’t do it now. And how..(crying harder) and how lost i am at that. At not being able to do my work. (breaks down) it’s just too dangerous, you know? I mean it wouldn’t have mattered if i emailed laurie or not, she would have come after me, you know? 

She was gonna come after me. 

Either way. Eventually she was gonna do this. (cries hard) 

Steel tried to say it was cause i crossed a boundary, i was like no…you and i are in love with each other..and i found out what she was doing. That’s why.

(frustrated) why can’t i hear you, i want to be able to hear you…it’s not good enough that you can hear me, i want to be able to hear you. 

It’s not enough to be able to have sex, i want to be able to hear you. 

Fuck. 

(pause)

Alright you want to have sex with me now, now that i cried? (laughs) so…sick of it. Not sick of you. 

Man.  i wish i could see you. Can you see me? You can see the shirt i’m wearing? Yeah i wear this shirt a lot, you know that then. Misha gave it to me. 

You want me to take it off? 

So you’re not actually…..are you in my room? 

You are. You’re in my room.

I just can’t see you. 

We both have to exercise. Both for our brains and our bodies. I know i haven’t been exercising. 

I tell people a lot about _________. We were on your bed. You remember. I tell a lot of people about it. 

Do you think about it? 

I think that we both should be in the park at 11  o clock, and we should see each other. We won’t touch each other but we should see each other. 

What day is today/? Wednesday? 

I love fucking you so much, i do. That’s why i haven’t had sex with anyone else since july. Cause you’re the only one i want to have sex with. I put a lot of energy towards it. And because of all the tantric breath, i can pull you in. 

Oh you probably want me to put you in my mouth. 

But then you can’t hear me talk.

Is this how you want me? On my back? 

Do you want me to do anything else? Do you want me to take my underwear off? 

I wish you’d take them off. 

Wait a minute i was gonna wear cute underwear for you, i forgot. 

These aren’t exactly the pair i was looking for but……(puts them on, spanks ass) my ass is smaller. Can you tell? 

It’s like….a different ass. It’s kinda weird. 

Ok i’ll stop being a show off. 

Oh yeah i’m kinda cute huh

Alright now i’ll take them off

What would you like me to do? I know i get so lazy in this position

(laughs at response) are you saying i get lazy in this position?

(transmission)

You want it in my mouth. Ok. (puts diaper pin/pendulum in her mouth) 

Want to start this way? 

Can i disattach them? 

I think people might think we’re insane. 

But we didn’t know that we were having spells put on us. So it’s not our fault. 

Did you just say flip over? (she does so) 

(sex sounds)

Do you want me on my back? 

(sex sounds) 

(transmission about “master”)

You *are* my master. 

Did you come at the same time? Did you come? 

I can’t wait til we’re together. 

So, 11 o clock the park? 

Nassau side? 

We’ll look at each other. 

Are you gonna be there? 

We’ll just look at each other. And then we’ll walk away. We won’t touch. 

Ok. i’ll see you then. Bye. 

Oh wait where where where? 

(transmission)

By….by the kid’s playground? 

Alright. See you then. 

(end of tape)

[andtheghost]

01/16/24 - You’re made of contradictions

First off, I believe in astrology. I also know that it goes way, way beyond star signs. Really I think if most people looked into it with an open mind and allowed themselves to be honest, it would be hard NOT to believe in it. But also I’ve seen enough things line up too well to not believe it.

And we’re not talking prophets from centuries in the past making vague enough predictions that they could be plugged into any number of situations that have actually come to pass. In 2019, people predicted that there was going to be a pandemic the following year. Used the word pandemic. One of the videos I watched, the guy kept waffling around the word pandemic, because he didn’t want to scare people, but also he couldn’t deny that’s what it looked like. Some predicted a world war, because what they were seeing was death everywhere.

The problem with astrology is that it’s not a science. It requires some assumption, some conjecture, some guesswork. And there’s no test to run to see if your predictions are accurate. You make the predictions, then you wait and see how close you are, then you take notes on where you went wrong so hopefully you’ll do better next time. Or you look at what happened the last couple times this planet was in this house, and try to figure out how that relates to the world today.

I personally don’t make predictions, because I don’t understand it well enough. I do, however, come to my own conclusions on how I feel about other people’s predictions. But I base those ideas on the patterns I’m seeing in the world around me, not the placement of the stars.

But I have noticed this very particular behavior among people who believe in astrology that half amuses me, half confuses me, half irritates me. That’s too many halves, but whatever.

They take every transit, every full moon, every retrograde SO SERIOUSLY. Like dude. These things are happening every day. Why is this one so special? This could be the Taurus in me talking, but chill the fuck out, guys.

To be fair, I’ve seen certain transits have drastic impacts on me personally. And since I tend to be more reactionary when it comes to astrology, I’m rarely expecting it when it happens, and not prepared. I didn’t realize that retrograde was going to uproot my entire life for a month because I didn’t even realize it was going to be happening until it was happening. And even if I had known it was going to be happening, I don’t know enough about astrology to know how it’s going to affect me anyway, so how do you prepare for that?

Right now it’s Pluto moving into Aquarius. Apparently it’s the sign that AI is about to take over. Or governments are going to start falling. Others are still saying war. It’s also interesting how they all KNOW what’s going to happen, but their predictions are all so incredibly different.

In 2019, everyone at least agreed DEATH was absolutely going to be a thing, even if not everyone agreed on how it was going to happen. I suppose one thing being so prevalent on such a large scale, there were only so many options that could cause something like that, right? It almost had to be widespread illness or war.

As much hype as this Pluto in Aquarius thing is getting, no one seems to be able to pinpoint exactly what it’s going to do. Just some kind of drastic change to… something. Something to do with communication maybe? Or technology? Surely it has to do with innovation. But dude. Innovation is happening EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. Vaguest. Prediction. Ever.

Nostradamus would be so proud.

But if no one can agree on what’s going to happen, maybe it’s not going to be such a huge deal? Or maybe it’s going to change something so integral to the very foundations of society that no one can see something that big hidden in all the little details.

And once again, the dreaded fate thing pops it’s nasty little head up. Because that whole concept has been kind of kicking me in the teeth lately, and it is RELENTLESS. Because if you can look at some stars and planets and asteroids, and multiple people across the globe can accurately predict a pandemic, then there has to be something to it. Or could that have been a coincidence?

And if the future is written in the stars for anyone knowledgeable enough to figure out what they’re saying, then fate has to be real on at least some level. But it doesn’t matter, does it? It still goes back to no one will ever know (?) so it doesn’t matter. And how incredibly boring would life be anyway, if everyone knew everything that was going to happen?

That’s really the thing I like about astrology: it’s interesting. It’s an intricate web of a thousand little puzzles to ponder and pick apart and the more puzzles you figure out, the more puzzles get revealed, and it’s just endless. And there’s no way to “figure it out” because it’s constantly changing. You can learn how the mechanisms work, but the planets are never going to stop moving.

In any other context, the inability to solve the puzzle would drive me absolutely INSANE. But I’m not really interested in solving this one. I like the fact that it’s unsolvable. If you solve the puzzle, that’s it. I like that it’s never going to get boring. And I’m really not sure why.

[nyer-meh-bleh]

It isn’t easy.

Staying away is really difficult. Fighting the urge not to call you is a constant battle. I think I need to delete my tumblr because that is the only thing that will stop me from checking it every chance I get. I also don’t want to delete my tumblr because then how will I know if you’re okay? How can I sever this last connection between us? I can’t. Not yet.

I miss you.

I think about you every day. Every single day. Some days more than others. I wonder if you think about me too. I miss knowing I’d be able to see your face (even if you’re barely present in the conversation or whatever) at the end of the day. I know that’s pathetic to miss. But it’s what I got used to. The familiarity of you. I also miss the opportunity to have the life we talked about. But then….

I still don’t want to be in a relationship with you.

I think about how much I still don’t want to move and I wish you wanted a life with us here more than you wanted to be there. But I also understand that the life you want to make for yourself is there. I hope you get your dream job and get into animation and be a part of creating games that Raiyyan will play one day. I hope you create a life that makes you happy. I know the one with us here is not that for you. And that makes me feel more certain that I made the right choice.

I also know that until you’re happier with you that you wouldn’t be able to put the work into our relationship to make it work better. And I don’t fault you for that at all. So don’t blame yourself. Just heal yourself. Be better for you. It’s not about us anymore. Tbh it’s been difficult coming to terms with the fact that all that romantic bullshit about people being better because they want to be better for their person and for the life they want to build with them is stupid…but I’m glad I know now that’s me being naive and honestly not very healthy anyways. So, now you don’t have the pressure of needing to achieve your dreams or being better for anyone else but you. Which is how it should be anyways. And i am now completely rid of my naivety. Hopefully.

I’m angry.

I try really hard to not be angry with you but I think it’s still in there always below everything else. I’m angry that I couldn’t be enough to make you want to put the work in to love me better. I’m angry for all the basic things I wanted that you somehow made me feel like I was asking for too much. I’m angry that after all the years of damage was already done, you think in the last few months that you asking me to watch a show or finally putting in some effort that you probably hated having to feel obligated to do anyways was supposed to fix things and I didn’t give it a chance? I’m angry I didn’t see it sooner. I’m angry I ignored all the signs that when I think back to how things were in the beginning in 2019 I should’ve known; like when you made me wait really long in the car by pricesmart, when you made it your business to prioritize seeing someone else multiple times before me, when you couldn’t make plans (I basically planned every single fun thing we did while you were here), when I also waited for you in grand bazaar, I did a lot of waiting when I think back, also and I know this one is trivial and dumb but when you didn’t offer to help me with my bags when I was coming from my car into yours at grand bazaar on the day we went to the beach. I wrote things in my diary and when I go back and read it I realized that things weren’t great before they even really started. And that you showed me how it would be from the very start. It’s my fault for not seeing it. It’s my fault for asking more of you than you were capable of giving. I did the typical thing of thinking a guy could change for me. In hindsight, it’s my fault, I should’ve known better and I should’ve put myself first. But I felt like I needed you back then maybe, because I felt like you saved me. So I’m angry. I’m more angry with myself than with you. And I don’t hate you by any means. I know I’m saying bad things but it wasn’t all bad at all. It’s because it wasn’t all bad that I stayed for so long and that it’s so difficult to actually say goodbye for good. I usually only think about the good things. So I’m writing the bad to remind myself. Reminding me to read my diary when I start missing you. Read the posts I wrote here that date back to our first and second year together. Remind myself not to put on the rose tinted glasses and to see it for how it was. To see the good and the bad. Remind myself that it started feeling like you lost interest in me and that I lost my magic. Remind myself that you didn’t want to spend time with me as much as I wanted to spend time with you. Remind myself how unwanted I felt. Remind myself of the pain in my stomach that I felt everytime I kept the sadness in and how I feel it still every time I re read my old posts. Remind myself of how much it hurt to feel pushed away. Remind myself of how much I went against myself to accept less.

I don’t miss. (I’m angry part 2).

Feeling sad really often. Waiting to see when you’d be ready to talk to me for the day. Being afraid to ask to stay on the phone. Walking on eggshells to not seem overbearing or like I’m asking for too much. Feeling uncertain about the future with all of the weight of figuring out my part in it on me. Being afraid to ask about your art or job or life. Feeling you lose interest in me. Feeling alone in a relationship. Being disappointed. Begging for compliments. Being actively ignored. Wondering when you’re going to love me again like you used to. Wondering if I’m special to you anymore. Wondering why things changed and what I did to make you not want to show me how you feel about me. The sadness. The loneliness.The sadness. The sadness. The sadness.

I feel.

I feel love for you still. I feel sad that it couldn’t work out. I feel curious about your life now without me. I feel okay about where I’m at in my life atm. I feel happy. I feel longing for you. I feel angry. I feel sad.

I wish.

I wish things could’ve been different. I wish we could be more compatible. I wish I had the strength in me to give it another try. I wish I could stop thinking that. I wish you accomplish what you want in your life. I wish you happiness. I wish you also miss me. I wish that the word wish didn’t look and sound so strange to me now after saying/typing wish so much. I wish i loved myself enough to choose myself sooner. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. I wish you would write something on your tumblr like you used to. I wish you cared enough to. I wish I didn’t wish that you would show me these things still. I wish I wasn’t still waiting. I wish it would make a difference anyways.

10/12/22 - 1:54am

[manthakinz]

Saturday, May 25th: the weekend that SpongeBob and Patrick go camping