#//I don't think I've ever put this much thought and heart into a verse before. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

insanelyadd · 2 years ago

Note

If the song fits it fits, regardless of possible embarrassment. Anyway, lets hear what songs you put together, and what your reasons are!

Oh ho ho, you just gave me a chance to talk about music, hee hee hoo hoo.

Okay so I'll start with the playlist I made for the Collector, as a heads up note about all of these playlists, I am far from done, so while they're all short right now, I will be getting around to adding more.

Through Glass by Stone Sour -

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass Don't know how much time has passed All I know is that it feels like forever When no one ever tells you that forever feels like home Sitting all alone inside your head How do you feel? That is the question But I forget you don't expect an easy answer When something like a soul becomes initialized And folded up like paper dolls and little notes You can't expect a bit of hope So while you're outside looking in Describing what you see Remember what you're staring at is me (...) How much is real? So much to question An epidemic of the mannequins Contaminating everything We thought came from the heart It never did right from the start Just listen to the noises (Null and void instead of voices) Before you tell yourself It's just a different scene Remember it's just different from what you've seen (...) And it's the stars The stars that shine for you And it's the stars The stars that lie to you, yeah-ah And it's the stars The stars that shine for you And it's the stars The stars that lie to you, yeah-ah

I cannot stress enough that these are the actual lyrics and I did not move them around or anything, all I did was remove the repeating verses/choruses. This song came out in 2006. An absolute shoe-in to be used in AMVs for this little guy except it's a rock song from 2006 and not an indie-pop song from the last five years and it's also not popular.

I was doing my usual thing like a week or two ago where I go through a bunch of songs I heard on the radio when I was in elementary school and as I was relistening to this song I felt like I had lost my mind. I remember relating to this song a lot when I was little kid because the song is about being lonely, and I think the Collector would relate to it too. More kids should listen to rock music from the 2000s because I am deluded* and think a lot of it is good. Music critics tremble before me when they try to say nu metal is bad and I just say "Nah".

(*Yes I do have psychosis and have delusions for realsies, I can use this word)

After this it's all under the cut because this post will end up being long because I fucking love talking about lyrics and the fun little picture shows my brain makes when I hear a song that fits a character. if you don't feel like reading the Archivists playlist discussion be happy knowing I summed all of them up in one picture:

No Lullaby by Siames -

What's the meaning when you have a broken home, home, home? Where's the love when you were left on your own? So alone

The most relevant lyrics in the song are the chorus because the verses on this song are super abstract, like more than their other songs that I've heard. Final lines of the song are the above lines but instead of "so alone" it says "Who says you're on your own?" which feels like how their arc concludes in the show.

All the Best by Siames -

Let's play pretend now Don't be afraid, no Stop being worried this could be the way We are what we made up Ready for a new start Follow your dreams no other way will be that great And I'll keep searching for all the best Picture yourself in a rocket and believe you can be anything you want The meaning of our actions feeds the power of attraction, let it flow Just let it flow It's right under our noses Going through our minds With passion and devotion (with passion and devotion) Your light can be our sun

I feel the lyrics here are pretty self-explanatory. Since the band is Argentinian I'm going to forgive any wonkyness in the lyrics.

Steal My Sunshine by LEN -

Genuinely the lyrics for this song are very abstract but apparently it was written when the brother and sister of the group were having a fight. Though I think the lines "And of course you can't become if you only say what you would have done, So I missed a million miles of fun" are pretty good. Also it sort of just sounds like a song he would like.

Island In The Sun by Wheezer -

On an island in the sun We'll be playing and having fun And it makes me feel so fine I can't control my brain We'll run away together We'll spend some time forever We'll never feel bad anymore

Escapism, sun motif, easy pick for the Collector. Plus the song itself has this sort of fun, laid back up-beatness to it.

Kids by MGMT -

You were a child, crawling on your knees toward it Making momma so proud But your voice is too loud We like to watch you laughing You pick the insects off plants No time to think of consequences Control yourself Take only what you need from it A family of trees wanting To be haunted (...) The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror Decision to decisions are made and not bought But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not

I made a whole AMV for the Collector and King set to this song, it's a perfect fit, if I were to post all the relevant lyrics I would probably end up posting the whole song. Actually fuck it I'll post them anyways for everyone who's never heard this song.

Fine by Lemon Demon - (the sped up version)

Light is on the way, we'll be having a fun time It's such a lovely day, we should pocket the sunshine And never give it back, even if there's a heat wave We're stalling on the track, it will just be a close shave I know (I know) That in a snap, all the birds will sing I know (I know) I'm full of crap, but still Everything works out nice in the end The sun will marry the moon It'll be fine Why don't we sit back, mellow again And have a nice afternoon? It'll be fine

I feel like this is a fun song for them. Once again sun and moon imagery in the song, outwardly cheerful and bouncy in that way, but menacing at the same time.

GRRRLS by Aviva - (specifically the version that's a Collector animatic)

I can't explain it better than the video explains itself, so here's a link

Best of You by Foo Fighters -

I've got another confession to make I'm your fool Everyone's got their chains to break Holding you Were you born to resist or be abused? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best The best of you?

I think it fits thematically with the Collector breaking free from the cycle of abuse he was subjected to.

When I'm Gone by 3 Doors Down -

So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone Everything I am and everything in me Wants to be the one you wanted me to be I'll never let you down even if I could I'd give up everything if only for your good So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there So love me when I'm gone Love me when I'm gone But when your education x-ray cannot see under my skin I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends Been roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone And part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone

Most annoying thing on the face of the earth when you're making playlists for child characters or siblings with terrible relationships is probably that every goddamn song you find where the lyrics are vague enough to be interpreted as a familial relationship and not romantic was probably still originally written to be romantic *strangles amatonormativity with my bare fucking hands for an hour straight*

So anyways in this context the song is about the Collector trying to reconcile their feelings about their family being shitty with their want to connect and love people and be comforted by the familiar.

Now for the playlists for the Archivists. I encourage you to look at the scroll bar on your screen. I will not judge you for looking at it and deciding you've read enough, especially since my Archivists (anyone's Archivists really) are totally made up and are basically OCs inhabiting a hole left by canon. I still have fun with them tho.

Penumbra first because she has the shortest playlist (Sorry Penny it's hard to find songs about being stressed by raising your younger siblings and being emotionally and mentally drained by stress)

Help! by The Beatles -

So much younger than today (I never need) I never needed anybody's help in any way (Now) but now these days are gone (these days are gone) I'm not so self assured (And now I find) now I find I've changed my mind And opened up the doors (...) In oh so many ways (My independ-) my independence seems to vanish in the haze (But) but every now and then (now and then) I feel so insecure

Once again on closer inspection of the lyrics I think this is AGAIN about romance. I choose to ignore it. I Do Not See It. I'm taking the implications out back and shooting them. Mainly I chose this song because it was kind of funny for everyone's playlists to be songs from the last 30 years mostly and Penny is out here like "I relate to this Beatles song which is a literal cry for help" someone save this woman (nonbinary).

Stressed Out by twenty one pilots -

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from? I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I'd probably only sell one

*putting on a very serious face* She's stressed, she yearns for the nostalgia of when she wasn't responsible for so many things. The part about making money means nothing because I don't think Collectors participate in any economy because it's implied they don't need to eat and they could probably just magic up whatever they want/need.

Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine -

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and your longing behind You can't carry it with you if you want to survive And I never wanted anything from you Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

She wants to stop being so stressed out all the time but I think if she suddenly stopped experiencing it she would probably explode. Girl needs a therapist so badly. And a vacation. I like this song because when I looked up the meaning it was like "Bad days will end and things will get better one day" and the lyrics describe the incoming happiness as graphically fatal and terrifying in its approach like being hit by a fucking train in the first two lines of the song.

D.A.N.C.E. by Justice -

No need to analyze the lyrics here, I think she would just genuinely like this song and dance to it, though I think part of it is that there's a little bit of desperation in the way it's sung, like "please dance you have to dance or you will die" which is probably how she would feel if she was given time to relax like "oh wow this has never happened before, am I supposed to be afraid?"

Next I'll do Crescent because why not. "Birth" order, sure. Also Crescent's songs should be fairly easy to explain

The Pretender by Foo Fighters -

Keep you in the dark You know they all pretend Keep you in the dark And so it all began Send in your skeletons Sing as their bones go marching in again They need you buried deep The secrets that you keep are ever ready Are you ready? (...) What if I say I'm not like the others? What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays? You're the pretender What if I say I will never surrender? I'm the voice inside your head You refuse to hear I'm the face that you have to face Mirroring your stare I'm what's left, I'm what's right I'm the enemy I'm the hand that'll take you down Bring you to your knees So, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Keep you in the dark You know they all pretend

I mean. She's a liar, a pretender, she's keeping a secret (having their parent taken away) from her siblings. He's an evil bastard. This explanation will be the standard response to most songs in this playlist but maybe from different angles.

Dangerous by Big Data ft Joywave -

Nobody's listening when we're alone Nobody's listening, there's nobody listening, No one can hear us when we're alone No one can hear us, no, no one can hear us And I've gotta get out of here Sink down, into the dark Keep on running I've gotta get out of here (Keep on running) Sink down, into the dark You understand, they got a plan for us I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous It must be fate, I found a place for us I bet you didn't know someone could love you this much

A little bit uncharacteristically paranoid for Crescent tbh, but the song is fucking awesome and even though the most fitting part of the song is only one line "I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous" it is sung in this sort of taunting way that really has enough threatening intent to be perfect for him.

Miss Murder by AFI -

With just a look, they shook And heavens bowed before him Simply a look can break your heart The stars that pierce the sky He left them all behind We're left to wonder why He left us all behind

After reading the lyrics I have a suspicion they aren't what 10 year old me interpreted them to be about. That's alright. I can imagine the verses are about all the times Crescent has made cults to worship her (I have a HC that Collectors primarily do this as a means of acquiring samples from all the planets they visit because it's easier to convince the most advanced life on the planet that you are a god who demands tribute and getting them to mobilize for you VS going around finding all the animals and plants and whatever else yourself).

I Can't Decide by Scissor Sisters -

I've got to hand it to you You've played by all the same rules It takes the truth to fool me And now you've made me angry I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

Did I tell you guys??? Did I mention??? Crescent likes to kill people???? Most interesting part of this choice is how the truth will fool him, which is true. If she believes something that isn't true about you and makes the wrong assumptions based on that it's better for you in the long run, though continued exposure to her increases the chances that he'll eventually realize he made the wrong guess and then he'll get Very Mad about it.

Breezeblocks by alt-J -

No lyrical analysis because yeah they don't really fit but I like the song for the vibe, mainly the ending, though that sort of repetitive mania isn't really in line with how I characterize Crescent. I personally love it, this song triggers my mania sometimes and it's great.

Lone Digger by Caravan Palace -

Another one where it's less about how I write the character and more about what I think she'd like to listen or dance to. I think she would enjoy the frantic energy of the song.

You're Gonna Go Far Kid by Offspring -

Show me how to lie, you're getting better all the time And turning all against the one is an art that's hard to teach Another clever word sets off an unsuspecting herd And as you step back into line, a mob jumps to their feet (...) With a thousand lies and a good disguise Hit 'em right between the eyes Hit 'em right between the eyes When you walk away, nothing more to say See the lightning in your eyes See 'em running for their lives Slowly out of line, and drifting closer in your sight So play it out, I'm wide awake, it's a scene about me There's something in your way and now someone is gonna pay And if you can't get what you want, well, it's all because of me

I feel like the picture here is clear, liar, manipulative, doesn't show her true face so she's always in disguise (metaphorically), the implication of murder/fighting. *slaps the hood of this song* This baby can fit so many of Crescent's worst qualities in it.

I Get It by CheVelle -

So you say you're ignored, as it is Well, give us your sad, sad trip You're right, I get it It all makes sense, you're the perfect person So bright, so wrong Let's all live in your imaginary life Assumed it's whether We're right, or wrong We're doomed and there's plenty for all How dare you catch me counting? How dare you call at all? How dare you call this suffering? How dare you call at all?

Crescent's inner monologue if either of the Twins voice their concerns about anything. Someone needs to hit him with a car.

Annihilation by A Perfect Circle -

It's your choice, your choice, your choice, your choice, Peace or annihilation

This song I think is originally about the American military industrial complex and nuclear war. So anyways for my dumb little OC's playlist this is basically the choice they give the people of the planets they visit if they start to get hostile. "Hey, I know things are tense but have you considered that I will boil your oceans and burn your world to ash if you don't choose to be nice?" Obviously it's also another instance of the song only really having one or two lines that strongly fit the vibe but you see the vision?

You're Going Down by Sick Puppies -

Define your meaning of war To me, it's what we do when we're bored I feel the heat comin' off of the blacktop And it makes me want it more Because I'm hyped up, out of control If it's a fight, I'm ready to go I wouldn't put my money on the other guy If you know what I know that I know (...) This is hardly worth fighting for But it's the little petty shit that I can't ignore When my fist hits your face and your face hits the floor It'll be a long time comin' Bet you got the message now 'Cause I was never goin' Yeah, you're the one that's going down

Oh hey one thing I haven't said about Crescent yet is she sometimes beats the shit out of her siblings (mainly Solari who instigates it on purpose even though she knows she'll lose because it's worth it to them to get under his skin). Well when I say "beats the shit out of them" I mean it more like Crescent can get a single good solid hit in and it knocks Solari down and the fight is over. Solari has never actually been mad enough to push their luck into a full-on brawl with Crescent. If Solari actually, for real, wants to fight him then she duels him with magic instead because it's an even match-up.

Next up I'll do Solari

She also has You're Going Down, but intended from the opposite perspective, while Crescent is the singer, Solari is the listener.

The Red by CheVelle -

The red Well, it filters through So lay down The threat is real When his sight Goes red again Seeing red again Seeing red again

You might be wondering, is this another song from Solari's perspective about Crescent? No. Solari gets so mad she basically loses all control of herself, hence the destruction of property she does. If they ever got actually mad enough to actually fight Crescent for real with their hands, she would be a very dirty fighter. She sees Crescent on her missions visiting the worlds of mortals. She's watched him fight for thousands of years. Crescent has never seen Solari fight with their hands. She might not be as physically strong as he is but she would be able to have the advantage of Crescent not knowing what to expect. Plus if Satellite is there and something has made their twin THAT mad then they would join in too.

Headstrong by Trapt -

Conclusions manifest Your first impressions got to be your very best I see you're full of shit and that's alright That's how you play, I guess you get through every night Well, now that's over I see your fantasy You wanna make it a reality paved in gold See inside, inside of our heads, yeah Well, now that's over I see your motives inside Decisions to hide Back off, I'll take you on Headstrong to take on any one I know that you are wrong Headstrong, we're headstrong

Solari's mind when they're about to start shit with Crescent again. Unrelated I saw the band was marked red on my screen earlier and I was like "???" for a half second before remembering the lead singer is a dipshit loser who whines on twitter and facebook because I guess he has nothing better to do. May the miserable cretin never chart again.

Oh No! by Marina -

I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I know exactly what I want and who I want to be I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, oh! One track mind, one track heart If I fail, I'll fall apart Maybe it is all a test 'Cause, I feel like I'm the worst So I always act like I'm the best

We've come to the portion of the playlist where Solari is consumed by guilt and regret. It's actually not separated like that, I'm just saying these lines speak to how she wants to change who she is as a person because she realizes she doesn't like who she currently is. Not that Penumbra or Crescent would know she's trying to get better, because Solari doesn't respect either of them and does not put in effort into improving herself for them, she's doing it for her little brother, the Collector. Even if she never gets to see them again.

Bother by Stone Sour -

Wish I was too dead to cry My self-affliction fades Stones to throw at my creator Masochists to which I cater You don't need to bother I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds Wish I was too dead to care If indeed I cared at all Never had a voice to protest So you fed me shit to digest I wish I had a reason My flaws are open season For this, I gave up trying One good turn deserves my dying

I did mention they are being eaten alive by guilt and regrets right? This is for when Solari is having a bad time in her head.

Riot by Three Days Grace -

If you feel so empty So used up, so let down If you feel so angry So ripped off, so stepped on You're not the only one refusing to back down You're not the only one, so get up Let's start a riot A riot Let's start a riot

Solari is ready and back to being angry. They totally would incite a riot if they felt like they had a good enough reason to start one.

Fine Again by Seether -

And I am aware now Of how everything's gonna be fine One day, too late, I'm in Hell I am prepared now Seems everyone's gonna be fine One day, too late, just as well I feel a dream in me expire And there's no one left to blame it on I hear you label me a liar 'Cause I can't seem to get this through

Just kidding it's Solari Emo Hours again. The only line in the song that doesn't really apply are the lines about staying sober because I HC that there isn't really any chemical that has any effect on Collectors like that. Anyways this is Solari being like "Wow the two older siblings were able to just go back to pretending everything is fine after getting rid of our baby sibling what the fuck."

These next three songs Solari shares with Satellite so I'll talk about why I chose them for both.

Send the Pain Below by CheVelle -

I liked having hurt So send the pain below Where I need it You used to beg me to take care of things And smile at the thought of me failing But long before having hurt I'd send the pain below I'd send the pain below Much like suffocating Much like suffocating (...) You used to run me away all while laughing Then cry about the fact 'til I returned But long before having hurt I'd send the pain below I'd send the pain below

This is a bit messy but whenever the lines say "You did this" that's a perspective shift for the line from the twins' perspective to The Collector. Basically another song about the twins regretting being shitheads to their baby brother.

Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park -

Memories consume Like opening the wound I'm picking me apart again You all assume I'm safe here in my room Unless I try to start again I don't want to be the one The battles always choose 'Cause inside I realize That I'm the one confused I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright So, I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'm going to assume some of this song is about some type of addiction. I'm disregarding that. Anyways the part about behavioral issues and not knowing why you act the way you do does align with the twins, and I mentioned it previously with Solari, about her trying to get better for the Collector, if he ever returns, but the same applies to Satellite. Though Satellite is at least attempting to practice this with Penumbra and Crescent. It's kind of difficult because they're so afraid of both of them, and Crescent avoids talking to them whenever he's actually around.

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men -

I don't like walking around this old and empty house So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear The stairs creak as you sleep It's keeping me awake It's the house telling you to close your eyes And some days I can't even dress myself It's killing me to see you this way 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore There's an old voice in my head That's holding me back Well, tell her that I miss our little talks Soon it will be over and buried with our past We used to play outside when we were young And full of life and full of love Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Don't listen to a word I say (Hey) The screams all sound the same (Hey) And though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore You're gone, gone, gone away I watched you disappear All that's left is a ghost of you Now we're torn, torn, torn apart There's nothing we can do Just let me go, we'll meet again soon Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around I'll see you when I fall asleep

Yeah it's basically the full song. Once again the lyrics were vague and I had to dig around to find out it was written with romance in mind but I am sending my fucking mind beams out and blowing that up. Anyways tell me this couldn't be about Satellite and Solari's guilt for how they treated their little sibling and the last verse here where they "watched you disappear" is about when the Collector was imprisoned, and the torn apart bit is how they feel about their family. I might not identify as asexual anymore (further testing necessary I'll get back to you all on this if it turns out to be true) but I am still going to be fucking grabbing songwriters in my mouth and violently shaking them. Please can you just write complex interesting relationships into songs without being "OH YEAH IT'S ROMANCE" man there's other types of love. Please. I am on my fucking hands and knees.

*double checks playlist* Oh shit Fine Again by Seether is also on Satellite's playlist. Same explanation applies. Don't feel like moving shit around and adding accommodations in the existing text, I've been working on this for four hours because I have severe ADHD and I am dogshit at prioritizing anything.

If you get this far comment on the post about my brave stance that if a candle smells good enough I would eat it. It hasn't happened yet but my toasted coconut s'more candle tempts me every fucking time I smell it.

Anyways now it's Just Satellite

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty -

Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown And I don't know why But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay a while and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be, me

Fun fact I actually listen to this song when I feel like I might be about to have a bout of existential terror or some other flavor of mental breakdown and singing along to it calms me down. Obviously, Satellite would be able to relate about feeling gripped by a nebulous madness that Changes You when it hits. I actually have an idea for what I might have unintentionally gave them. Like. This is buried deep enough no one will hit it.

Anyways like a few days after I wrote my fucking long ass post about the Archivists and Collector's relationships and related HC and shit I began wondering. "Am I Autistic??" Asked a friend who is autistic and has ADHD at the same time (like what I would have if the answer to this wonder is yes) and she gave me some things to read about it and I was like "oh my fucking god this is literally all me." and then, because I'm some type of menace freak and I reread my posts that I like frequently, I reread my post about the Archivists and shit and I was like "Ah fuck are they all autistic??? I knew I couldn't write neurotypical people because I have literally never been one but seriously??????"

Point is: I might be autistic. Mentioning it here and now because it seems like getting an actual diagnosis is going to be a huge fucking pain in the ass and won't happen for months. And I might have made the Archivists all autistic or probably other slivers of my various other mental illnesses because I am physically incapable writing a neurotypical person. Circling around to what started this tangent: Satellite absolutely has autistic meltdowns. I don't know if ADHD people get meltdowns like how I imagine Satellite gets them, but they are modeled after My Own experiences with having meltdowns. So anyways back to music analysis in relation to my dumbass little OCs.

Bound For The Floor by Local H -

Born to be down I've learned all my lessons before now Born to be down I think you'll get used to it And you just don't get it, you keep it copacetic And you learn to accept it, you know you're so pathetic (...) Born to be down I think that I've said this before now Born to be down What good is confidence?

I've actually always related this song to mental illness, ever since I was a kid, I always associated the song with the struggles of growing up neurodivergent and how it beats you down and you learn to accept it and live with it.

Words As Weapons by Seether -

All I really want is something beautiful to say Keep me locked up in your broken mind I keep searchin', never been able to find a Light behind your dead eyes Not anything at all You keep living in your own lie, ever-deceitful and ever-unfaithful Keep me guessin', keep me terrified Take everything from my world (...) Keep me dumb, keep me paralyzed Why try swimming? I'm drowning in fables You're not that saint that you externalize You're not anything at all It's oh-so playful when you demonize To spit out the hateful, you're willing and able Words are weapons I'd be terrified You're nothing in my world

Now a song for how Satellite feels about Crescent. Once again, about a person who lies and projects a self that isn't true to who they really are, and the singer is terrified of them, which fits because that's how Satellite feels about their older brother. Crescent is physically strong and gifted with weapons but her best weapon is her charisma and charm and how she uses it to manipulate people.

Keep Talking by Pink Floyd -

There's a silence surrounding me I can't seem to think straight I sit in the corner And no one can bother me I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me?) I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me) My words won't come out right (what are you thinking?) I feel like I'm drowning (what are you feeling?) I'm feeling weak now (why won't you talk to me?) But I can't show my weakness (you never talk to me) I sometimes wonder (what are you thinking?) Where do we go from here (what are you feeling?) I feel like I'm drowning (You never talk to me) you know I can't breathe now (What are you thinking?) We're going nowhere (What are you feeling?) We're going nowhere (Why won't you talk to me?) (You never talk to me) (What are you thinking?) (Where do we go from here?)

Now I saved this one for last even though it was literally the first song I ever started associating with Satellite because I think it really fits them. I think this is what it's like from their perspective when they have a meltdown. I don't really know how else to describe it so I guess I'll break this down line by line because sunk cost fallacy at this point why not.

"There's a silence surrounding me" in my own experience with meltdowns, which is what Satellite's are based off of, I find that all the blood rushes to my ears and I sort of lose the ability to recognize sound?

"I can't seem to think straight" probably self-explanatory but in my experience I stop having coherent thought and kind of only think in impulses.

"I sit in the corner, and no one can bother me," though this wasn't always the case (like when you're a child experiencing this you don't really understand what is even happening, and you develop this later in like when it's more like "ah this shit again") you will typically try to remove yourself from the situation that is causing you the distress that makes you have a meltdown in the first place.

"I think I should speak now, I can't seem to speak now, My words won't come out right" this could either be interpreted as a meltdown where you just shut down and stop talking or a meltdown where you fucking scream, I tended to have ones where I would just scream, but that might be because when I get the other way I end up crying silently instead so I might have filed those moments away as just normal "I am sad" moments?

"I feel like I'm drowning" meltdowns can be overwhelming, and when I'm overwhelmed I tend to stop my feet and flail my arms and sort of contort myself because?? I don't know. It feels like I'm trying to escape my own body honestly. Drowning in myself.

"I'm feeling weak now, but I can't show my weakness" this shit is fucking humiliating to have happen in public and around other people man, it sucks ass.

So anyways that is my ridiculously long ass post about music and my little bastards (and baby, the Collector is only baby) that I spent FIVE HOURS writing. I am going to go wash my hands because Bad Texture, drink some water, and then get floor time which is time where I lie face down on my floor and pretend to be a dead body.

#toh the collector #the collector #toh the archivists #the archivists #I am not going to fucking tag all these bands do you want me to be here for six hours???#musical discussion #if you want to skip to the end I did a great analysis of Keep Talking by Pink Floyd #and how you could interpret it as a song about having a meltdown #answears #long post under the cut #I am not fucking kidding if you open this post Prepare Yourself #toh spoilers

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lovesongbracket · 2 years ago

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Reminder: Vote based on the song, not the artist or specific recording! The tracks referenced are the original artist, aside from a few rare cases where a cover is the most widely known.

Lyrics, videos, info, and notable covers under the cut. (Spotify playlist available in pinned post)

Mamma Mia

Written By: Björn Ulvaeus, Benny Andersson & Stig Anderson

Artist: ABBA

Released: 1975

“Mamma Mia” is the opening track off of the group’s third album, the self-titled ABBA. The song’s name is derived from Italian, where it is an interjection used in situations of surprise, anguish, or excitement (literally, “My mother”). ABBA’s manager Stig Anderson would often come up with titles that musicians Bjorn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson would write lyrics around, and this is an example of that workflow. It would later be the title song of the all-ABBA musical Mamma Mia.

[Verse 1] I've been cheated by you since I don't know when So I made up my mind: it must come to an end Look at me now, will I ever learn? I don't know how, but I suddenly lose control There's a fire within my soul [Pre-Chorus] Just one look and I can hear a bell ring One more look and I forget everything, whoa [Chorus] Mamma mia, here I go again My my, how can I resist you? Mamma mia, does it show again? My my, just how much I've missed you Yes, I've been broken-hearted Blue since the day we parted Why, why did I ever let you go? Mamma mia, now I really know My my, I could never let you go [Verse 2] I've been angry and sad about things that you do I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through And when you go, when you slam the door I think you know that you won't be away too long You know that I'm not that strong [Pre-Chorus] Just one look and I can hear a bell ring One more look and I forget everything, whoa [Chorus] Mamma mia, here I go again My my, how can I resist you? Mamma mia, does it show again My my, just how much I've missed you? Yes, I've been broken-hearted Blue since the day we parted Why, why did I ever let you go? Mamma mia, even if I say "Bye-bye", leave me now or never Mamma mia, it's a game we play "Bye-bye" doesn't mean forever Mamma mia, here I go again My my, how can I resist you? Mamma mia, does it show again My my, just how much I've missed you? Yes, I've been broken-hearted Blue since the day we parted Why, why did I ever let you go? Mamma mia, now I really know My my, I could never let you go

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Like Real People Do

Written By: Hozier

Artist: Hozier

Released: 2014

Alternate version included: Live in America, 2015

This song is a metaphor. Hozier uses “bog bodies” in Ireland, bodies which are exhumed after centuries of natural mummification, to describe a new relationship.

[Verse 1] I had a thought, dear, however scary About that night, the bugs and the dirt Why were you digging? What did you bury Before those hands pulled me from the earth? [Chorus] I will not ask you where you came from I will not ask and neither should you Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips We should just kiss like real people do [Verse 2] I knew that look, dear: eyes always seeking Was there in someone that dug long ago So I will not ask you why you were creeping In some sad way, I already know [Chorus] So I will not ask you where you came from I would not ask and neither would you Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips We should just kiss like real people do [Chorus] I could not ask you where you came from I could not ask and neither could you Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips We could just kiss like real people do

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#mamma mia #abba #hozier #like real people do #polls #poll tournament #poll bracket #tournament #bracket #lovesongbracket #round3

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gctchell · 1 year ago

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anonymous asked: I can just imagine the potential au out of that niffty alastor Pic you posted.

Anon my brain has been buzzing ever since I saw it this morning, my GOD. The potential is JUICY.

"They say the family you choose is better." I thought this moment was a gross oversight and they completely forgot Niffty, because she is tiny and you can fit her just about anywhere - she'd fit perfectly above Alastor's head. But now that I've seen this little delicious piece of fanart, I'm wondering if it might have been intentional after all! Because Niffty is such a good family member to involve in moments like this, yet..

Also, these little dolls. Originally I assumed they were related to Alastor's practice, but getting a closer look at them.. They're a little cutesy, aren't they? Alastor summons brutal tentacles and shadow creatures that seem more fitting for his personal aesthetic, but then he also summons these little devil doll helpers that feel a little out of place. I'm not saying they couldn't fit him, especially with the dapper aesthetic, but looking at this new theory it feels more like Niffty's style, especially when you look at the expressions.

I can just envision Niffty sitting in her room stitching these things to life. I can see it so clearly.

I've been part of conversations that have thrown around the notion that Niffty is actually an Overlord, as well. In the Pilot, she was right there in the casting of the Overlords alongside Husk, who WE have found out is also an Overlord. There's also this neat Twitter post pointing out she has been in multiple imagery that I did not even notice!

ANYWAYS.

My brain is buzzing with scenarios where Niffty is an Overlord;

What the Hell is going to put Alastor within a deeply binding deal to another? This person has to be pretty damn powerful, wouldn't you think? Or in the least, incredibly crafty and clever. This man is BOUND to whoever has him on a leash and it is driving him up the wall. Before Niffty came down in the 50s, he's been kicking around in Hell since the 30s, he has some time under his belt and he has some experience.. So, what does this upstart have to offer?

Well, what if Niffty was a demonologist & worshipper in life and like him, came down to Hell experienced in a different walk of life? She knew exactly where she was going to wind up and she was polished, excited. This is her chosen afterlife and she adores it. She was ready, and there's nothing quite like a soul who embraces her afterlife with full awareness and embodiment of herself. She knows what she's doing, she knows how Hell works, she is expertly versed in it and an infernal academic. She starts ranking up as she pulls souls beneath her belt (how, I don't know just yet!).

Alastor is the kind of guy who is like 'game recognizes game' and he is quickly enticed by her! She's pleasant enough as a personality, and she's delightfully upbeat to boot. They're both from the Golden Age, so there's some relatability there, as well. Meanwhile, she knows who he is. Niffty is obsessive; she knows all the bad boys that are on the map (and even some who are off), and she knows he's a dealmaker. She's not new to deals, either - she made plenty with various sorts of the damned while she was alive.

Her side of the deal is very simple: You be my special companion, and I'll lend you my power. We'll be so happy together!

Niffty struggles to make friends. She loves hard, but she has a personality that can be seen as completely obnoxious and off-putting, driving people away. She's a chatterbox who can go on and on and on, and Alastor is also a chatterbox who can go on and on and on. That lonely heart of hers clutches this opportunity like a fucking knife and drives the needle home in sewing her deal into Alastor's skin, her way of lending him power, but also binding him so damn fiercely to her there is no breaking it. It's a deal. We're friends forever and always.

This is something that does not really grate on him too much as the arrangement is quite profitable and does not really weigh on him, it's in his favor. She tags along wherever he goes and he has power. Yet, prideful creature that he is, he is starting to feel the pull of the deal as he is woven tight to the hotel.

Why is he tied to the hotel if the one who has the contract is Niffty? Well, Niffty longs for friends, and who loved her people? Lilith. Who is going to accept her and support her? Lilith. Who is Niffty going to be loyal to in return? Lilith.

Lilith blips out of the picture for seven years, and coincidentally, so does Alastor. What if Niffty went MIA for all this time, as well? Whatever happened wove them in tight with the Happy Hotel, and Niffty now has an obligation to Charlie - Lilith's daughter. Who has a better shot of being the more charismatic personality that can weave them into the picture more seamlessly? Alastor.

In Episode 8, we see Alastor finally forming something of a soft spot for the group and he has this tender moment with Niffty, confiding in her this truth. It's very sweet. Then later, after barely surviving Adam, Alastor almost died because of this sentimental attachment bullshit. No way, that's not how he is going to go out. He needs to get out of this deal with Niffty somehow, someway, he just doesn't know how yet.

Niffty is very clingy, as well. She said forever, and she meant forever.

#(( sorry this took a hot minute to answer! irl stuff kept rolling punches lol. ))#(( basically: YES I AGREE. THE AU POTENTIAL IS AMAZING. ))#(( niffty is lonely. it makes sense she would pull something like this. ))#[ asks. ]#[ ooc. ]

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the-force-awakens · 1 year ago

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For the fic asks, 5, 29 for your Poe/Volya fics, and 37

!!! Ah, thank you!! *rubs my hands together gleefully* my time to shine, I love talking about these two

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about [insert fic]? Answer it now!

I feel like every single question I've ever wanted to be asked about Poe and Volya just like - flew right out of my head, lol. I contemplated something about their Force connection but I don't actually think I've included it yet in any of the fics I've posted to ao3, so I'm gonna go with something involving the "bad au" once again, cos it's something that jumped out to me when I was reading the tlj era fics back to back: the difference in when Poe and Volya both think something's changed between them, and why.

In my hand was the one you reached for, Poe mentions in his internal dialogue that something changed between them aboard the Raddus (which I think is reinforced in an earlier one-shot that @dameronalone wrote) during the events of tlj, but in the fic that's pretty much a direct sequel to that, if we got nothing we got us, which takes place from Volya's POV, she thinks that their relationship shifted after he made it back from Jakku and the Finalizer.

And I think that makes a lot of sense, 'cos although we definitely haven't touched on that specific era yet from Volya's POV yet, the days Poe is missing absolutely are what makes Voy in this verse realize just how much she loves him and just what she's been risking trying to hide that. Unfortunately, her crash course in "fuck I can't lose him, I love him too much for that and he doesn't even know it" gets a follow-up grade in tlj when they get put on separate transports during the evac to Crait....cos I'm. extremely evil.

And then of course, for Poe - they haven't really had the time to *stop* since he got back, until the Raddus, for better or worse (but mostly for worse), so I think that's the first stretch of time that he's actually had where he can notice something has changed for Volya that makes her a lot more open with her feelings than before, and ergo that their relationship has shifted because of it.

29. What songs would be (or are) on a playlist for [insert fic]? Explain your choices if you want!

I mean I have a couple of generalized poelya playlists already to be quite honest - their regular one, and one specifically for the aforementioned bad au. And one somewhere that's specifically songs I think Volya would put in a playlist that remind her of Poe.

But.....the two songs that are just simply put the most Volya/Poe to me, to the point that they could really fit any fic I've written for them, is About Love by Marina and Storm by Ruelle. Their relationship is (obviously) very much inspired by my big ole feelings for Poe, so Poe's pretty much the first/only person Volya's also had big ole feelings for, and I think these songs really capture the "oh shit this is my one exception and oh man what do i do with all these FEELINGS" that Volya constantly feels around him:

… Started in the strangest way Didn't see it coming Swept up in your hurricane Wouldn't give it up for nothing Now I'm all caught up in the highs and the lows It's a shock to my system I don't wanna run away so I stay [About Love]

I am caught off guard by you Like a wave I'm pulled into It's a feeling I can't fight Like a wildfire deep inside You're taking my heart by storm I'm lost in your love (lost in your love) I can't hold back any more I'm lost in your love (lost in your love) [Storm]

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it?

Okay, my first thought was not actually a Star Wars fic - although there's definitely some fics of mine there that I wish got more traction, and it'd be nice if my poelya ones got a leetol more attention but I'm also not terribly bothered by that because hey I'm writing for myself and my friends and it's fun - it was a crossover Spidey/Moon Knight fic that I wrote in 2022.

Just...maybe not the crossover you were expecting. I had finished replaying Spider-Man PS4, I think, and I was like....this would work really well for a crossover with Moon Knight. It ended up being a blend of the television show and the early Mackay run before I quit reading. It definitely got a little bit of attention, but mostly just of folks wanting a continuation, which I had no plans for. But it's definitely still one of my favorite fics I've written - writing for Peter really is just so much fun.

fic writer asks?

#ask box #galacticwildfire #thanks!!! <333 #poelya #yeah if i had a nickel for every smartassy loyal self sacrificing proud nerd who's name starts with 'p' that i love writing for #i'd have two nickels #and i'm not unconvinced the first nickel isn't why i adore the second one so much lmao

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crackinthecup · 1 year ago

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @elevenelvenswords - thank you so much, friend <3 (and apologies for taking forever to get round to this!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

49 in total.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

456,188 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mainly Silmarillion. I have dabbled in Star Wars and Dark Souls too, plus a D.Gray-man fic I wrote for a friend purely based on what she told me about the characters as I've never read the manga or watched the anime.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

My top one is Yield to the Moment, which is completely fair enough as it's a beast of a fic and by far the longest multi-chapter I've ever written. The next two are Strange New World and A bond once called fealty, part of my Swords series looking at Melkor and Mairon post-Dagor Dagorath. Then we've got The Metal Cage which is pure PWP (chastity play/CBT) and I am very glad people are having fun with it. And fifth is A quiet sort of introspection, a Melkor-centric character study also set in the Swords 'verse.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yep! I think it's only fair to reply to people if they've taken the time to share their thoughts about something I've written. Plus it can turn into a really fun thinking space to play around with ideas about characters!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Ohhh I have to think about this one. I don't know if I tend to write particularly angsty endings? Maybe High and Higher? Which is a Fallen Banners ficlet set in Gondolin after Maeglin's return from Angband where he feels like he doesn't quite fit into his life anymore.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Yield to the Moment, probably! The wedding felt like a happy culmination of all the work they'd been putting into themselves and each other.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

It's happened a few times, yeah. But generally people seem to take a "ship and let ship" stance to fandom.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Quite a lot of smut haha. Honestly I'd describe my particular brand of smut as a thinly veiled excuse for a psychological study of the characters.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Haven't written any crossovers yet.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge, thankfully.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

A couple, yeah, back in 2015-ish when I first started writing for the Silm fandom. Sadly I took down all those old fics at a time when my mental health wasn't amazing (wish I hadn't), and I'm not sure if the translations still exist anywhere.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

YTTM started out as a co-written project.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Will have to go with Angbang here. They just seem to speak to a deep deep part of my psyche.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I've got a very rough WIP about Mairon bonding with Tar-Míriel in Númenor that I don't feel super engaged with anymore.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characterisation, I hope! I've always been drawn to writing as a way to explore what makes characters tick, why they do the things they do. I also really enjoy coming up with fun ways to describe things.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything can always be improved, I suppose! At the moment I think I'm mindful that I find it difficult sometimes to end fics in ways that feel punchy or memorable.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Totally on board with it when used thoughtfully as a plot device or a way to add depth to characters.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh goodness, I think it was Harry Potter back when I was 13 or 14. Those fics will not be seeing the light of day haha.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Hmm I don't actually like reading my own stuff very much. It's a bit of a struggle to switch off the perfectionism. That said, YTTM has a special place in my heart. It took a lot of time, a lot of thought, and sometimes a lot of effort, and while I'm not 100% happy with it, I am glad that I got it over the finish line and that I had a chance to tell a story I really wanted to tell.

#meme things #crackinthecup's writing #thank you so much again for the tag :3 #i know you tagged me ages ago so i won't tag anyone #but if this meme takes anyone's fancy please do go ahead and do it

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weirdfishy · 1 year ago

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20 Qs for Fic Writers

thanks to @mashumaru for tagging me!! <3 i love these, and i've finally got a minute to do it!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

45! i started writing in the end of 2020, it's kina mind boggling to think that it'll have been three years in a couple months

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

76,628 :)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I've currently written for Batman, Danny Phantom, BBC's Merlin & Sherlock, Spider-Man/Verse, The Sandman, Criminal Minds, Harry Potter, Heartstopper, Sk8 the Infinity, The Witcher, and BNHA.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Unknown Caller ID - danny phantom x batman, crack treated seriously, something i will eventually continue

Tim Drake's intoduction to ✨Ghosts✨ - dpxdc, silly goofy stuff

by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache - the sandman, dreamling get-together, my first multi-chap that i finished

just slip me on, i'll be your blanket - the sandman, dreamling angst, something that i've so far put a completed, but in my heart of hearts ik it needs more

crack, hob flirts back, heart attack - the sandman, crack, past hobrinthian, pre-dreamling, pov corinthian

5. Do you respond to comments?

i very much try to, yes, but i also tend to leave comments un responded to for fics i have yet to continue/finish

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

what's interesting abt the two fics i think have the angstiest endings, is they kina have the same tone? like, i wrote two fics abt two different characters having a 'life is absolutely terrible rn, i'm grieving the loss of better times, but no matter what i will keep fucking living god damn it'

anyway it's both to be forgotten but not forget (mcu peter parker) and never to sleep, never to die (hob gadling)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

[love how i totally forgot to answer this at first; sorry if tumblr tags u again for my editing]

imma go with something recent, a geraskier blurb based on art, :3 (that's the title, i couldn't come up with anything clever, so it's just that lol)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not directly

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

currently? no. have i? yeah. respect your local smut writers

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i never wrote crossovers prior to getting pulled into danny phantom x dc, and both of my posted ones are among my most popular

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of (if someone does steal a fic- that's shitty.)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not in the sense that someone has asked me to translate and repost, so as far as i know, no

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but snake n i have talked about co-writing before (we're busy as shit tho so it's yet to happen)

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

merwaine in any form

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

it's not a WIP, but the second fic i ever posted i said i would rewrite and it's yet to come- i don't doubt that i will rewrite it, but that eventually is pretty far

16. What are your writing strengths?

prose-y scene setting maybe? i don't think about this, really, i just write

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

dialogue, in the sense that it doesn't much feature in my fics

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

personally i'll only do it if i'm 200% confident in its meaning (ie i've studied the language or i've got a second reliable opinion)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i've since lost it, but the first thing i wrote was for BTS (2018 almost-disbandment rlly had me emotional, ok?)

20. Favourite fic you've written?

i don't have a favorite, and i'm proud of every new thing bc it's a show of my progress

no pressure tags: @oliveofvanders @bootleg-exe & anyone else who would like to :)

#tagg@me #fanfiction #fishy's fics

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wigster07 · 2 years ago

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I gotta say, I don't ever read ABO fics. Not because of the raunchy sex, but because I feel uncomfortable with how much the genre is saturated with non-consent elements, like the Omegas can't help themselves and the Alphas are all waiting around to jump them, then the psychic bond that some writers make almost mind control it makes me feel awful for the Omega's (yes I'm thinking too much about the sociopolitical implications of crazy fantasy fic sex, sue me).

Not judging obv, just a personal squick and I curate my own experience and avoid it, but I'm so excited about your fic cause they're both alphas which I've never seen before! It's so delightfully queer I love it.

I understand that take on the verse. It does very often toe some lines. But to each their own and I fully advocate exercising the ability to hit the back key when you find things that you don't like.

All the Alpha/Omega stuff that I've read and really enjoyed has put emphasis on consent and really driven into the desire and devotion of finding your mate. Some fics have been masterfully done and I hold them dear in my heart.

The raunchy sex is fun too.

I haven't seen any alpha/alpha in the fandoms I write/read so it's going to be a fun to explore that. I've had so many thoughts and inspiration plugging in these elements into the canon events and world of the show. I appreciate you giving my fic an opportunity and it's totally okay if it ends up not being your thing.

#the alpha in me is the alpha in you #alpha kit #abo

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yukiakaren · 1 year ago

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Kpop title track ranking: B1A4

In this series I’ll be ranking kpop groups/soloists title tracks based on my taste.

I watched B1A4's episode on Pangterview and realized that I could do this ranking for their songs! Admittedly, I've only actively listened to a couple of their songs a lot throughout the years, but I've been aware of them for many years and I was already familiar with all the title tracks. Hence, I felt like ranking these songs.

Like a Movie - Let's start by saying when I first heard this one it didn't click with me. However, after a while it did and I can't deny that I'm in love with it now. The movie or musical feel of it has me captivated. It's so so pretty!

Tried To Walk - This one is a classic. Also, in comparison to some of their other older songs the lyrics are quite problem-free which is a huge plus. And this being my favorite song of theirs for the longest time makes this ranking make a lot of sense. Also, the MV is gorgeous!

A Lie - It's just a lovely break up song. I guess the nostalgia I have with Tried To Walk gives it the tiny notch to be ranked higher than this.

Rewind - Rewind is going down very similar path to Like a Movie but just isn't quite as good. But still very pleasant!

Sweet Girl - I guess this is the obligatory surprise of the list. I have always past this song as something fine but not given it much more thought. But now listening to it and comparing it to the rest, it definitely showed the goodness of it in a whole new way. It's in the best possible way "just pleasant".

Baby I'm Sorry - Despite the mostly nonsensical English, overall mediocre lyrics and A TON of autotune, I can't ignore my nostalgia for this one. It was one of the first B1A4 songs that I liked and right now I let that nostalgia cloud my judgement a bit in order to ignore those issues.

Rollin' - Very of that time, tropical sounding song. A fine one but I think I'm quite over this type of sound at least when it's not currently summer.

O.K - Upbeat song about being absolutely whipped for someone. Nice debut but not my personal favorite of theirs.

Beautiful Target - The song that gave such an iconic line "Oh my beautiful target. You zoom zoom my heart like a rocket." doesn't quite get me going otherwise.

Solo Day - I just don't really get much out of this one. It's pleasant enough and the lyrics aren't a disgrace but I just don't care for it.

Lonely - This one just hasn't ever really been one I'd go for either. And I guess it's somehow more annoying than Solo Day for me. Unarguably better lyrics-wise than the next ones, so it ends up above them.

What's Happening? - "What's happening?" is what I want to ask from these lyrics. Like seriously. Is this about the other person cheating or just jealousy over someone you are not with? Which ever it is, it's not great.

Baby Good Night - So, it's a upbeat song about cheating on your partner, right? I was vaguely aware that this one has issues but oh my. Yeah, bottom spot is absolutely deserved here.

And here we come to the end of the list and to the spot I usually put b-sides as honorable mentions. I am well-versed enough to know their title tracks but I have to admit that I don't think I knew any of their b-sides before today. Now quickly taking a look at their albums all the songs seem quite nice and chill. DIVING got multiple listens from me immediately, so this one I can definitely recommend!

#B1A4 #kpop title track ranking #me

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icaruseater · 1 year ago

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The Most Pretentious Word Ever

You’ve probably seen it presented “aesthetically”: black and white stock footage of people going about their lives and beautiful sprawling landscapes accompanied by dreamy guitar plucks or soft piano. Other videos are less aesthetic, but more real: regular people holding their phones telling the camera that they’ve just discovered a new word. One video with almost 2 million likes shows a man holding back tears as he reads it aloud:

Sonder. The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Well, that’s the shortened definition, anyway. The one you’re most likely to see printed on the back of a t-shirt at Hot Topic. The man in tears also reads the second part: “An epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.”

Something about the word has always felt a little off to me. It has struck me as fake-deep and contrived, but I could never quite put my finger on why. It doesn’t help that I’ve never seen anyone actually use the word, just people fawning over how deep it is. The remixed definitions can sometimes insist upon themselves, with some people changing the beginning to “the profound feeling of realizing that everyone has a life as complex as one's own”. Why is a word calling itself profound in its own definition?

Furthermore, the wording of the actual definition was troubling to me. The realization that everyone is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. How selfish, I thought, to be so unaware of the complexities of life that such a thing is worded like an epiphany. That's just empathy, I thought.

This tossed around in my mind one restless night until I finally faced the aggravating blue light of my phone screen to Google it. This led me down a bit of a rabbit hole of the English vocabulary and my own philosophy on language.

The Search Results

The first thing I discovered is that sonder is not what some would consider a “real word”. By that I mean it’s not in the dictionary. Of course, there are plenty of words (particularly slang) that do not appear in the dictionary, but this was still somewhat shocking to me because pretty much every post I’ve seen on sonder presents it as if it were an excerpt from one. This is perhaps because the word was invented by John Koenig, author of The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, where he makes up words to describe various phenomena. He’s stated that part of the purpose of his dictionary is to “fill a hole in language”.

Well, I thought, that settles it. Rabbit hole over, nothing else to discover, we can all go home now.

But when I scrolled a little further, I realized something puzzling: no one knows how to use sonder in a sentence. I quickly found that I wasn’t alone in thinking this. I came across a Reddit thread titled “Is sonder the best-ever new word?” where the top comment read: “I like the concept very much. It's humanistic, it's mystical, kind of psychedelic [psychedelic? really??], but I've never heard it spoken in a sentence, or read it in a published work of fiction. I don't know how to use it in an intelligible sentence. Does anyone?” Here’s some examples I found:

“I lay in bed so deep in my thoughts, the darkness was all around me while, slowly, the sonder started to kick in. I then realized that not only me, but all seven point fifty three billion people in this world which they are constantly living despite my personal lack of awareness of it.”

“As the poet concludes his final verse, the crowd ripples with sonder: tears can be seen and gasps heard before those gathered break into applause. His words seemingly have struck a few chords in the hearts of all those present.”

“I had a sonder, a realization that the random girl sitting next to me inside of Starbucks might have a fantastic life or she might be dealing with a very ill family member.”

The attempts I read further convinced me that this whole thing might just be some big pretentious charade. All this hullabaloo about how deep the word is, yet nearly every example sentence I saw was derivative, trite, weak. Many of them can't help but essentially restate the definition, which makes me think that perhaps they themselves innately doubt that the word can stand on its own two feet. Even the sentences that mostly avoid re-stating the definition were uncompelling.

Input From Profesionals

My search continued as I came across a CBC article about sonder and Koenig’s Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows in general. A good point made by Lera Boroditsky, a cognitive scientist professor at the University of California San Diego, is that shortened methods to communicate emotions are actually good for language. While it may seem limiting to some, putting a name to an emotion can help us better understand it. Koenig appears to concur with this, as the article states that “therapists have emailed him explaining how just being able to name something, can offer people power — even solace.”

Meanwhile Geoffrey Pullum, a professor of Linguistics at the University of Edinburgh, appears to dislike the outlook of Koenig’s dictionary towards language. In the article, Pullum conveys his argument by discussing the difference between how you say machine gun in English versus how it is said in French, mitrailleuse. "It would be absurd to think that if you speak only English you can't form the concept of a machine gun; yet that is essentially the error people are making when they say (for example) that the German word schadenfreude cannot be translated into English."

I understand where Pullum is coming from. My mother's first language is Spanish, and she will occasionally insist that some words “can’t be translated” (she did this most recently with the word terca). But after throwing out some examples, we can always find a way to communicate the same idea in English, even if there isn’t a one-to-one translation for it.

The Beauty of Words

The conversations with my mother and Pullum’s point got me thinking about the English vocabulary. Perhaps it is by design that there isn’t actually a single word to describe the “epiphany” that sonder represents. It is clear after just looking up sonder on TikTok that a lot of people think the word is beautiful- but it's true beauty is in the definition, not the word itself. This might seem like an obvious thing to say, but I suppose I am questioning the aesthetic sensibilities of people who find the word beautiful. Why not just take as many words as you need to explain what or how you’re feeling? Is it really better (or even more beautiful) to have the experience all summed up in one convenient little word? The fact that the true beauty and appeal of this word lies in the picture it paints in its definition only aids my point. It feels almost corporate, the act of putting it all into one word, it's almost like the linguistic equivalent of meal-prepping to me. Convenient, for sure, perhaps even smart for the modern man, but taking away so much of the enjoyment and personality of writing. I think part of the beauty of language is how we string together words to maneuver through our own stories and emotions, and if we condense everything neatly with a nice lil bow, that really takes away the liveliness of language.

I began to think of sonder as a sort of KAWS figure or Funko Pop of words: like it was designed simply to be gazed upon, posted on your social media, but not actually interacted with in any meaningful way.

But that's not really true, is it? Does a word have to be usable in a sentence for it to be valuable? Is it really such a bad thing for it to exist on its own as an Instagram post? Despite how I might feel about sonder, it clearly does impact some people meaningfully. The singer Brent Faiyaz got the word tattooed on his face and named his band after it. I saw somebody wearing a shirt with sonder (and its definition, of course) on the back. I saw a young-ish guy at my job with SONDER tattooed in bold black font going all the way down his arm, and seeing it got such a reaction outta me that it's basically the reason I started looking into the word. I remember thinking (after seeing the guy’s tattoo but before doing my research) “could such a fake-deep word really mean so much to people?”. The answer, obviously, is yes. And what was said in the article is true: being able to put a word to a feeling can be extremely helpful for some people. As an Urban Dictionary definition states: “Sometimes you're hurting so bad and you feel you're the only one. But after all your hardships you start to realize that everybody is so unique and you aren't the only one.” Perhaps not the most well-written couple of sentences, but the message is loud and clear: people resonate with sonder, regardless of whether it can stand alone.

In conclusion: do I like sonder now? Well, yes and no. I appreciate how strongly other people feel about the word (I think the act of loving a word in itself is kinda lovely, cute and romantic, what can I say) and if what Koenig said earlier about therapists reaching out to him is true, that's amazing.

But overall, I think an expression just as (if not more) beautiful can be made by using a collection from your own vocabulary. There is nothing quite like reading a passage that takes your breath away, and the act of optimizing that by condensing it into one word feels quite robotic. The English language is not less good or in need of “fixing” because there isn’t always a single word to describe such complex emotions, rather see the language as a toolkit: your set of brushes and paint pots that you may then use to orchestrate a story all your own. :)

REFS

Brend, Y. (2022, January 23). What does it mean to “sonder?” author invents new words that resonate during the pandemic | CBC radio. CBCnews. https://www.cbc.ca/radio/sunday/the-sunday-magazine-for-january-9-2022-1.6307530/what-does-it-mean-to-sonder-author-invents-new-words-that-resonate-during-the-pandemic-1.6321644#:~:text=Sonder%3A%20the%20realization%20that%20each,sipping%20coffee%20in%20the%20background

How to use “sonder” in a sentence. WordHippo. (n.d.). https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/sentences-with-the-word/sonder.html

Is sonder the best-ever new word?. Reddit. (n.d.). https://www.reddit.com/r/words/comments/housk7/is_sonder_the_bestever_new_word/

Koenig, J. (2012, July 22). Sonder. Tumblr. https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/23536922667/sonder

Sonder. Urban Dictionary. (n.d.). https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sonder

What are the correct ways of using the word “sonder”? Quora. (n.d.). https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-correct-ways-of-using-the-word-sonder#:~:text=For%20example%2C%20%22I%20am%20struck,rigid%20posture%20and%20furrowed%20brow

#hi everyone #writing #article #my writing #nonfiction #language #Words #linguistics #my articles #writers on tumblr #writer #pretentious #happy to post my writing again :)

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aplateoflasagna · 2 years ago

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My thoughts on Treasure's REBOOT album

Ngl I was so worried when the track teasers came out 😩 I thought the spoilers did not sound like Treasure at all. I was so scared I wasn't going to like this album or the direction they would be going after REBOOT.

I shouldn't have been worried though, This is literally their best album so far 😭😭 Every song is a masterpiece 💎

BONA BONA: So fucking good!!! It truly is Treasure's version of Kill This Love! It's different from what they have done before, but similar enough that it still has their 'Treasure Sound'. It's JikJin 2.0 to me. An upgrade in a way. The intro is so good, the prechorus is heaven and then the beat drops and it's epic!! The rap hits so hard, Yoshi once again stole the show for me 💯 The bridge and party ending is perfect, it's what really sold me on this song. If it aint broke don't fix it and the party ending will never go out of style! 🔥

I WANT YOUR LOVE: Title track worthy!! 🙌 This song is so much fun!! The intro + Asahi's voice to start of the song? Doyoung's iconic 'My heart is going bomb' followed by Yoshi rapsinging? Everything I've ever wanted!! The pre-chorus hitting so good!!! At 1:26 there is a verse by Doyoung followed by Asahi and then Junkyu and it's one of the best parts of the album. Their voices complement eachother so well!! The outro by Junkyu and Jihoon made me ascend lol I was listening to it for the first time while driving and when the outro came I was so hyped, I forgot I was in a moving vehicle going 70km/h 😅 I legit got emotional that they got a bside this good, I'm not kidding. I understand 100% why this is the second song on the album. And Junkyu wrote the lyrics for this song??? He's a genius, I'm so proud 💙 I had to put it on repeat for 30 minutes because it's just so good 🙈

RUN: Yoshi's part is so good 😩 He's truly becoming my favorite rapper in Treasure. Usually we get our rap trio all together, but if they do seperate them, Yoshi is mostly the one that gets a part of his own and it brings so much colour to their songs 🌻He's so melodic that when it's a song more focused on vocals, he fits right in 👍 A big surprise listening to the song for the first time was Junghwan's high note??? Did not expect that at all! I love it when the members go out of their comfort zone. Like they could have easily given this part to Jeongwoo or Jihoon, but they gave it to Junghwanie 😭 This is going to be so much fun to sing during concerts. Please Treasure come to Europe!! 🙏🙏 (Also after five times listening to the song, I finally figured out Hyunsuk spells out 'Treasure' during the bridge lol) .

MOVE: 💕🥰😍❤️😘🤗 Congratulations Kim Junkyu on making the perfect song!!!! I have no comments, it's a flawless song and it continues to be my Ho Anthem 🙌 I'm so happy for Doyoung, Jihoon, Jaehyuk, Junghwan and Junkyu. They really got to shine as T5 ✨

G.O.A.T (feat. Lee Younghyun): It's like a song from a musical!!! Like, Yoshi's verse is so playful, he's acting with just his voice. I can already tell it will be a spectacle when they perform this live! 🔥🔥The chorus is so grand, If they ever get to perform at a festival or an award show, it will blow the audience away! When they perform this with a live band, it will be epic 💯 It's good that they included a unit track for HyunHaYo because i feel like it's more of a vocal focussed album with only short rap verses so we really needed this song 🙏 + It was such a good idea to ask Lee Younghyun to feature on this song! I was surprised it was only for the bridge and adlibs for the outro. I thought it would have been like a Epik High/Lee Hi collab where the verses are rapped and the chorus is sung, but it sounds perfect the way that it is now 🎶 I'm thinking that when this is performed live, they will cut out Lee Younghyuns part and make the dance break longer, but I hope that when they do a concert in South Korea, Lee Younghyun will join them at least once 🙏 (Though now that I think about it Jihoon could sing her part perfectly lol 🙌)

STUPID: I just knew this would sound like a BigBang song and I was right!!! Yoshi and Junkyu sound so much like G-Dragon in the chorus, I was genuinly confused for a second when I first heard it. 😅 Jeongwoo and Jihoon sing the second chorus, but I honestly just wanted YoKyu to sing it again 🙈 I'm so proud of Yoshi for writing and producing this song. It's exactly how I thought it would sound and it's perfect! 🌼🌸🌱🏵️ Also shout out to Hyunsuk's rapverse! It's a lot of fun + Junkyu on the outro!!

THE WAY TO: I did not expect it to be only Jeongwoo, Junkyu and Jihoon on this song. I thought it would be all the vocalists, but this song is so good, it legit does not matter! To see this live, I will be in heaven 💙 Jihoons last verse is so emotional and the instrumental is so gorgeous 😭 Also Junkyu's parts were so reminiscent of his cover of 'Beautiful Life'. How crazy is it that we had to wait 4 years to hear Junkyu sing like that again??? I hope we get many more unit songs in the future. It really highlights the members strenghts that they are not always able to show in songs that include all 10 members.

WONDERLAND: Immediate WINNER vibes! ☀️ WINNER just owns the sound of summer 😅 Asahi starts quite a few songs on this album and it's always the best choice! His voice is just perfect to set the tone. Simple and fun song that makes me want to dance ☀️ Doyoung sounds amazing on this song! 1:35 it's not just the best line in the song, it might be the best line on the album! He really stood out to me here! + Jaehyuk got the bridge together with Yoshi🥹 They all fit their parts so well!

B.O.M.B: People were saying it's the new Darari and the people were so right!! Such a feel good/romantic song 💙 The chorus is soooo cute!! It's impossible to not have a smile on your face while listening!! Another masterpiece by our Junkyu 🥹 This man has worked so hard and it's finally paying of i'm so proud!

LOVESICK: When YG said the album would be all new songs, I was so disappointed we wouldn't get Yamai Kor. version, but here it is! 🙌 Yamai is srsly one of my favorite Treasure songs 💙Ever since Asahi said he originally wrote Yamai in Korean, I've been curious to know what it sounds like and what the lyrics were that he wrote. It recently dawned on me that all my favorite Treasure Bsides are made by Asahi. His songs are so uniquely him, you can immediatly tell it's a song by Sahi. It's healing music ❤️I hope he'll get to write many more songs in the future. I'm happy it's on the album because Yamai was released without any promotion and I'm sure many Teume haven't ever heard this song.

I legit cried hearing this song btw. When first listening to the album, I started with Bona Bona, got to 'I Want Your Love' and immediately got emotional because that song is just so good 🙈 I didn't want to listen to 'Run' right away because I wanted to calm down first (because I was driving) so I thought 'lets listen to Lovesick, I already know that song anyway'. By the time I got to the end, I was sobbing lol I don't know what came over me... I guess I was so proud of our members and their hard work, how much they've grown and just how good Lovesick/Yamai is 💎

The only kpop songs that made me not just cry but sob are now:

AKMU - Melted (the MV and song are heartbreaking)

BIGBANG - Still Life (When TOP looked in the camera, I just knew it would be their last song 🥲)

TREASURE - HELLO (The song and MV were just so them! It was everything Treasure stands for and I was so happy I got to be their fan and enjoy their music 🥹)

TREASURE - LOVESICK (The overwhelming feeling of being so proud of how far they've come. Knowing they worked so hard on this album 💙)

Final Thoughts: It's a well rounded album with a lot of party tracks, perfect for a concert tour! A lot of songs feel reminiscent of second gen but with a modern twist. I'm really happy the members had a lot of input into the album, it makes the songs that much more uniquely them. REBOOT really highlighted who they are as artists now, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect album 💎

#TREASURE #REBOOT #BONA BONA #Doyoung Asahi and Junkyu really stood out to me this album I'm super proud!

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zepskies · 1 year ago

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Wow!!! 🤩 Omg, friend, I'm VERY excited...

So first of all, you're an angel. Thank you for such lovely and amazing feedback on this. 🥹🥹 Diving in below:

What I liked about the beginning was that the routine they have down after two years is tangible.

Oh wow, I'm so glad it felt tangible for you! I haven't had the chance to have a relationship this long as of yet, but I wrote what felt right for these two.

Specifically the part "from the corner of your eye" made the scene very palpable to me. Observing your partner doing their evening routine and getting a feel for their mood. Even though Dean is clearly not doing well here, the fact that he gets to have that kind of intimacy with a partner made me all :")

Yesss thank you, half the reason I started writing this series was to give Dean the kind of relationship I wished he'd had on the show. 🥹 To have someone notice when he's off and trying to hide his pain/discomfort, and do what she can to take care of him for once.

[The half-pitched tent]: LMAO an amazing gif imo.

I don't know if it was intended or if I read into this, but when she says "It's not just that we can't...", despite the despair they're both going through, I had to laugh, specifically because "It's not just that we can't..." read as "I'm not just crying because we can't have sex" and that just made me crack up.

LOL that's exactly what I was going for with that part of the line. There's a kind of humor in the heartbreak. As well as his reaction, like you pointed out. 🤣 It's a combination of everything -- him having been controlled by Michael for weeks/months, all the crazy aftermath of that, plus the ongoing situation, AND they can't even have sex? It's getting to be too much now. 😂💙

ALSO: I very very much felt her pain for not being able to help. Watching someone you love with all your heart suffer, knowing you can't do anything about it, really is a special kind of suffering on its own.

That was absolutely my thinking too. It's an awful spot to be in for both of them.

Not Dean feeling sorry for putting his girlfriend through so much worrying and apologizing about it two seconds prior. I'm watching you, Winchester. You don't get to wish to lighten people's burden when you don't let them do the same for you!

You know Dean! Lmao. One to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, but God forbid someone try to share the load. 🥲

Michael outta my friggin’ head, he thinks.

Yes. That is exactly how Dean would think that. 10/10 character representation. (You always write Dean so well.)

Ahaha thank you so much, lovely!! I think I kind of took that from the episode, but it felt on brand to me. 😂

Now this isn't related to your writing, but ever since watching that episode I had the idea of the reader originally being from the Walking Dead Universe and they just completely shit their pants because they've never seen a picture of Sam and Dean's dad before and now HOLY SHIT NEGAN IS RIGHT THERE IN THE BUNKER WITH THEM lol. Just the absolute chaos of the reader being like "GET THAT MAN AWAY FROM ME" and all three Winchesters being like 👀? Are u okay?

LOLLL your crossover thoughts are amazing. 😂 That would be a hilarious WTF moment.

John chuckles. “Latina, huh?” “Oh, yeah,” Dean grins.

:""""") For two reasons: a) Dean being in a happy relationship for almost 3 years b) John finding out his son's got a special someone *cries happy tears*

B. was the main hook for me in the idea of writing within this episode tbh. I recently did a rewatch of the later seasons and it occurred to me that it would be great to cover this episode with this Espresso-verse series' reader.

Girl. You made me HUNGRY. It's been too long since I had paella. It's been too long since I've been to SPAIN. I literally grunted reading this like "yes please onto my plate into my stomach now thank you very much"

Ahahaha if you read "Get Stuffed" you might get even hungrier. I love cooking and good food (especially Hispanic/Latin and Spanish food), and I am SO jealous that you've actually been to Spain!! ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Y e s. Thank you. Exactly what I was thinking. Family reunion is great and all but sir. Can we talk about how you fucked these boys up? Like, Mr Winchester, sir, are you aware that your sons have massive daddy issues?

Yeeeep, I wanted to address this but also try to address it realistically. She's meeting this man for the first time, but she's also a very strong-willed, opinionated person. lol

I was holding my breath seeing how John would react. Here is this woman that he's just met questioning his parenting skills. Being yanked out of a timeline where Sam was still in school and Dean was still all "Yes sir, of course sir, right away sir" I wouldn't have been surprised if John was about to give her a piece of his mind.

Exactly loll. I rewatched the episode to get a feel for his personality in "Lebanon," and so while a part of him was initially taken aback and upset, he also kind of had to hand it to her for being direct. 🤣

I loved this bit so much. Perhaps John seeing some of his Mary in the reader? Ofc at that point (before the prequel) John never knew about Mary's hunting past but he still knows his wife's got fire inside of her and he can see that in the reader too. That was a special moment to me. John seeing his own son come after him in a perfectly healthy way :")

Oooh I didn't think about that, but he very well could be reminded of Mary there! I'm glad you felt it was a special moment, because that's what I was intending as I was writing it. 💗

I need the reader and Dean to get their calendars out so we can collectively agree on a date where I put the two of them in a room with massive speakers which just repeats "You are good people who have done good things for the people in your life, you are deserving of all good things and must learn to accept gratitude when it is due and given" again and again :)

Ahahaa I feel you there!! It was also a thing of, "I just met this man. What is he thanking me for when it comes to his son(s)?" But she doesn't realize he's thanking her for giving Dean someone who "holds him down."

Too good for this world. Literally. Warmed my heart SO much. But also. Can she please realize that is part of Dean's family? Thank you.

🥹🥹

Yesss, I mean she does realize it on one level, but she also wanted to give him the space with his family if he wanted/needed it. (But of course, as you saw, he didn't want it or need it.)

What I said. Ha. No but seriously. This show's Dean's love for the reader so much. Because she has a point. John's only here for a very short amount of time and this is a once-in-a-lifetime-chance that they'll never get again. And Dean's just like "Ummmmmh as far as I'm concerned my family consist of five people, thank you very much" and just :") When Dean loves, he loves BIG.

Thank you!! That's what I was trying to show on Dean's end. That despite her having somewhat of a point, he loves her that much that he can't even fathom her shepherding herself into the other room to eat alone (especially considering she did the cooking).

But he absolutely loves BIG. It's my headcanon that when Dean falls, he falls hard. And he's not gonna be shaken from it.

🥹🥹🥹 ALL the feels. This was such a feel-good story, despite the sadness it contains. I loved every little piece of it. Hats off to you, again. Chefs kiss. We are a blessed fandom to have you.

You're far too sweet to me, thank you so much, friend!! 🥹 This literally just made my entire week. 💕💕

A Wish to Build a Dream On

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Plus-sized Latina!Reader

Summary: Dean has been harboring the archangel Michael in his mind for weeks now, putting a strain on your relationship as you struggle to help him. When Dean makes a wish that accidentally brings his father back from the dead, you get to meet the (in)famous John Winchester. But as always with magic, your boyfriend’s wish has unintended consequences.

AN: Welcome back to the Espresso-verse! This is set in 14.13: “Lebanon,” of course, but chronologically in the storyverse, it sits between Show Me and In Bad Weather.

Song Inspo: The story title was inspired by “A Kiss to Build a Dream On” by Louis Armstrong, but the real song inspiration for this is “Come Back Down” by Lifehouse.

Word Count: 7k~

Tags/Warnings: 18+ only to be safe. Spiciness/smuttish, angst, hurt/comfort, hint of body insecurity, and feels.

Start from the beginning of the series: ⤵️

☕ Midnight Espresso Masterlist

Sometimes, even the mundane in a two-year relationship can become new. And not in a good way.

You and Dean are getting ready for bed, taking turns brushing your teeth. When you’re done, he comes in behind you at the sink and starts up his routine.

As you go to look for the moisturizer you pretend he doesn’t borrow from your nightstand, you watch him from the corner of your eye. Even dressed down in his loose shirt and pajama pants, he seems tired, and tense.

Maybe because he’s been harboring the archangel Michael in his mind for an entire month.

You know Dean hasn’t been sleeping well, if at all. Now, he seems to be anticipating another fitful night. It doesn’t sit well with you to see the tension in his shoulders, the lines around his eyes that aren’t from laughing.

You wait until he slips into his side of the bed. Then you turn over and sidle up against him. You prop your elbow against his pillow, so you can look down on him with a smile. His brows twitch upwards.

“Well, hey,” he says. His arm settles around your waist under the covers. You stroke his cheek.

“Hey,” you reply. Though you don’t ask him if he’s all right. You already know the answer. Instead, you dip down for a kiss.

At first it’s just a sweet meeting of lips. You part from him softly, letting your thumb drag back and forth across his prickly cheek. He breathes in deeply and allows himself to savor the touch.

You dive back in again for a deeper taste, finding minty freshness with your tongue. He hums in response. His hold tightens on your waist, while your fingers drift down his neck, down his chest over his shirt. And then, they slip under the worn-out waistband of his sweatpants.

He groans deep in his throat when you stroke up and down the full length of him with a practiced hand. His knee bends on reflex, and he sucks in a breath as pleasure stirs low inside him.

But he stops you, grabbing your wrist gently, but firm.

You break the kiss in confusion. Dean’s eyes are still closed, brows furrowed while he takes deep breaths, as if he’s trying to pull himself back together. Or maybe, maintain a level of self-control.

His green eyes open and find yours in apology.

“Sorry,” he says, pulling your hand out of his pants. “Just uh…not really in the mood.”

You lift up the covers and glance down at the half-pitched tent in his pants with a raised brow.

“You sure about that?” you ask.

He stays quiet, which starts to make you suspicious. You let the covers drop and rest a hand on his chest, where his heart beats at a ticked-up pace.

“It’s been over a month, baby,” you point out. “I know there’s…a lot going on, but this isn’t like you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m tired,” he claims.

You can understand that, to an extent, but intuition tells you that there’s something deeper here. Beyond the lack of intimacy, you’ve been starting to realize just how distant your boyfriend has been with you, even after getting him back from Michael.

Dean doesn’t…touch you anymore. And not just in this bed. As a matter of fact, him holding you right now is some of the closest affection he’s given you in days.

Despite that thought, he actually surprises you by covering your hand on his chest and squeezing your fingers. Likely he’s seen the disappointment and concern across your face.

“Come on. You think I only want you around for sex?” he jokes. It gets you to smile, however slightly.

“Call it a perk of this little arrangement,” you say in a dry tone.

“Ooh, an arrangement. Sounds kinky,” he quips, with a curve of his lips.

You smirk and take back your hand from under his. Carding your fingers through his hair, you dip down and start to kiss his neck.

“I miss you,” you whisper against his warm skin. “But I also want to help you take your mind off it all… Just let me distract you for a while.”

His eyes briefly close as he lets out a shaky breath, but he stops you for real this time. He holds your cheek and guides you away. His rejection hurts, making your chest sting, but his eyes implore you to let him explain.

“That’s just it,” he says. “I can’t. I can’t risk it.”

Your brows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“I can��t lose control,” Dean says. His tone is laced with grit and strain. “Michael’s in there, rattling around. He’s either pacing all damn day, or pounding on the walls.”

Dean presses a hand between his eyes, as if that’ll stop the headache that’s already forming. It’s bad enough that the archangel was controlling him for so long, rooting deep in his head and opening every door and shady corner. Thoughts, memories, private moments.

Now, Dean doesn’t know how much Michael sees of the outside world. It’s another reason he’d rather not heed every desire he has to roll you underneath his body and fuck you deep into the mattress. It’s why he hasn’t let himself touch you as often as he wants, as he craves.

Because the truth is, he’s scared. Scared of what might happen if he gets too distracted.

“Sometimes I think I’m gonna lose my fucking mind,” he admits to you, his throat tightening.

He glances back up at you, and finds you weeping. Your lower lip trembles. Guilt hits Dean harder between the ribs when he realizes what he’s been putting you through. What he’s still putting you through. He cups your cheek and wipes away a stray tear.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he says.

You shake your head. “It’s not just that we can’t…it’s that I can’t help you,” you reply, with a tremble in your voice. “I can’t do anything.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say to you, but he knows what he can do. He wraps his arms more securely around you and pulls you against him. You rest your forehead in the crook of his neck and try to calm yourself by taking long, even breaths.

“I wish I could take this from you,” you confess.

He sighs. “I don’t.”

The next morning, Sam and Dean catch a lead on a fellow hunter who was killed by a supernatural artifacts dealer. They mean to track down the dealer.

Instead of going with them, you stay at the bunker and continue to research a way to extract and capture an archangel from a human host.

Dean doesn’t question your decision; he’s grateful, but still feeling guilty about last night. And part of him doesn’t even know how to move forward with you right now.

It’s just as well, because you’re not too sure of how to act around Dean either. Your heart breaks every time you look at him, and it was hard to even meet his eyes at breakfast this morning.

Mary is on a hunt nearby as well, but you don’t have the heart to join her when she calls you around noon. After you hang up with her, you realize that you’re feeling sorry for yourself, when the one who’s really suffering is Dean.

For a moment, you take a break from the old book in front of you. Your back is twinging from being hunched over in your research for hours on end in the library. You rub your eyes and let out a sigh, before you lift your gaze heavenward. You doubt your grandmother can hear you up there while she relives her greatest hits, but at this point, you’ll try anything.

Please, you think in Spanish, and even pray. Give me strength. Give him strength.

Sam and Dean return to the bunker after “taking care” of the scumbag dealer. They bring back a number of artifacts, which you’ll have to help them sort through. They pile it all onto the War Room table.

But they show you one item in particular: the Baozhu, one of eight ancient Chinese treasures. In other words, it’s a pearl that grants your heart’s desire.

Now, in general, you tend to be wary about hoodoo, but Sam has already convinced Dean that it could work. He could wish Michael gone.

They’re both so earnest that you’re willing to go along with it…and let Dean give it a try.

“Are you sure you don’t want to call Mom?” Sam asks him. “Or wait for Cas?”

“No,” Dean replies. “If this mojo works, great. If it doesn’t, then why get their hopes up?”

You agree with that point. In fact, you almost wish you could be Mary or Castiel right now.

Dean notes the look on your face, and he knows you well enough to read what you might be thinking. He turns his attention back to the pearl with determination.

He takes the pouch from Sam’s hand and doesn’t know what to do with it at first, but after little coaching from Sam, Dean takes the pearl in his hand, closes his eyes, and concentrates on his “heart’s desire.”

Michael outta my friggin’ head, he thinks.

The lights in the bunker start to flicker. You and Sam look up in wariness as the magic from the wish knocks out the electricity for a moment, casting the room into darkness mixed with a red glow from the emergency lights.

Sam turns when he spots a shrouded figure out of the corner of his eye—almost as tall as him, a large threatening frame. Sam swings a punch, but the intruder bats at his stomach, then his face with what looks like a crowbar. He goes down hard.

Just as you turn your head, Dean steps in next and gets an elbow to the chin for his trouble, then a swift kick in the stomach that sends him across the room with Sam. The intruder wracks his crowbar, which as it turns out, is actually a shotgun.

“Don’t you move,” he says.

He must not have seen you in the dark. It gives you the opportunity to come up behind him with one of the emergency handguns Dean had taped under the table for exactly this purpose. You tuck the safety back with a click.

“Drop it,” you demand.

The man pauses. He knows you’re there, but he doesn’t yet lower his weapon.

And the lights come back on.

Sam and Dean’s eyes widen when they realize who they’re faced with.

“Dad?” Dean says incredulously.

John Winchester is just as confused to be in the bunker as his sons are to see him alive, and in the bunker. For John, he thinks it’s 2003. Sam should be at school in Palo Alto, while John’s been hunting with Dean.

John is understandably shocked when Sam tells him that sixteen years have passed.

“I think we summoned you,” Sam says, after he and Dean pick themselves up from the ground.

John takes a beat to try and process, but he has too many questions.

“You boys better tell me what’s going on right now,” he says. Though he turns and notices you after you slip your gun back into the waistband of your jeans and draw closer to Dean, laying a hand on his arm. A subtle look passes between you two.

You good? yours says.

I think so, Dean’s replies. The exchange doesn’t go unnoticed.

“And you are?” John asks. His gaze is focused on you, and the directness of his tone somewhat takes you by surprise. You never thought you would meet John Winchester.

But after you tell him your name, Dean rests a hand at the small of your back.

“She’s my girlfriend,” he says.

Intrigue sparks in John’s eyes, and he nods in response. His mind is probably buzzing with too much information to levy any kind of politeness your way, but it still leaves a tense, awkward atmosphere in its wake.

Sam tries to bridge it by suggesting you all sit at the long table in the War Room to go over what John’s missed. He agrees, though he requests a strong drink first.

Explaining what’s really happening to the older, yet still incredibly spry hunter takes a while. You all do it with a bottle of Jack Daniels split four ways.

“So, you saved the world?” John asks. His whiskey glass is in his hands, and he raises a finger in a “So you mean to tell me” gesture.

“More than once,” Dean admits.

“Then it’s all true. God, the Devil, you boys smack in the middle,” John says. You can see him working through all this, but also with fatherly pride coming through. It would make you smile, if this situation wasn’t so goddamn weird.

“Now you all live in a secret bunker with an angel and Lucifer’s kid,” he continues, and this time, he includes you in his gaze. All you can do is nod with a feeble smile.

Sam and Dean also confirm his summary.

“And you’ve done this whole…time travel thing before?” he asks.

“A few times,” Dean nods. “Actually, our grandfather, your dad…he’s the one that helped us find this place. I think he’d be real happy to know you’re finally here.”

Dean has told you about Henry Winchester, and how John had thought the man abandoned him when he was a child. But now, he seems to understand.

“Right, Man a’ Letters,” he nods.

“Yeah, we’re uh, we’re legacies,” Sam says, giving his father a smile. “Because of you.”

John has to smile back.

The three of them continue to talk for a while, and you mostly keep to yourself. Truth be told, you’re feeling a bit out of place in this moment.

The John you’ve heard stories about is a gruff ex-marine with a “give ‘em hell” attitude. This man has a solid presence, and a gruff voice not unlike Dean’s, but all you see in him is both pride and wonder at everything his sons are telling him about this world he’s been thrust into.

After a little while more, Sam realizes he needs to call someone immediately: his mother.

John’s face falls into shock.

“Mary?” he says. His disbelieving eyes become tinged with hope. “She’s…she’s alive?”

Dean shares a quick look with Sam, who heads out of the room quick to find his phone.

“Yeah, Dad. It’s a long story, but uh…she’s back too,” Dean says, smiling. “Wait ‘til she sees you.”

John’s brows furrow. He looks down at his hands on the table, fighting emotion. You can’t help but feel for him. You notice the empty bottle of whiskey, and without meaning to, you fall into “caretaker mode.”

“Uh, John, you want some water? Or maybe a beer?” you ask, as you start to get up from your seat. Dean looks up at you with a measure of bemusement.

“Beer would be good, thanks,” John says, giving you a small, but sincere smile. Somehow that unbalances you even more, though you smile back.

“Okay, and while I’m at it I think I’d better start dinner,” you say. Mary doesn’t cook, really. Sam is a lost cause too. (The man can barely boil an egg.) So it’s often up to you and Dean to handle the food in this house…bunker…whatever.

Dean disrupts your thoughts by grasping your hand, hoping it’ll steady you.

“You don’t have to, baby,” he says. You perk up with a more genuine smile.

“Oh, I want to! Besides, you guys should keep talking. Catch up,” you say, gesturing between father and son. You squeeze Dean’s hand, then make your quick escape.

Dean smirks and watches you go. John follows his son’s gaze, then looks back at him in amusement.

“She a good cook?” he asks.

Dean raises his brows. “Oh, just you wait. She makes this beef stew thing, ropa vieja? Ridiculous. And a pork roast like you wouldn’t friggin’ believe.”

John chuckles. “Latina, huh?”

“Oh, yeah,” Dean grins.

“Nice,” his father nods with another short laugh. But it evens out into a certain smile. “How long’ve you two been together?”

Dean mentally counts it back. You often calculate it from the first time he officially asked you out for a nice dinner here in town. He likes to count it from that very first night he finally got a taste of your sweet café con leche…in more ways than one.

“Two years and some change. Almost three,” he says. John gives a low whistle.

“Look at you,” he remarks. And he seems pleased, with a gleam in his eyes that warms Dean deep inside. “Good for you, son. Glad to see you’ve got someone to hold you down.”

Dean sobers at that. He glances down at his empty glass of whiskey.

“Yeah,” he says. “You don’t know how much.”

It’s a good thing you went grocery shopping yesterday, or else you’d be shit out of luck trying to put something together for dinner. There happened to be a sale going on in the seafood section, so you find that you have everything you need to make a Spanish paella.

You get to chopping the onions, bell peppers, garlic, tomato, and parsley first before anything else. While that starts sautéing in the pan, you break out the chicken, shrimp, and mussels from their individually wrapped packages.

You continue according to the recipe you have in your mind’s eye—the one your grandma instilled in you. She’d learned it from her half-Spanish mother when she was a kid.

Cooking is one of those things that allows you to reset your mind. It’s like how Dean is when he sits down to tune up his car, or Sam when he reads a new book. You can just zero in and focus on the task at hand, and it allows you to put the rest of the chaos out of your head for a while. Plus, you just like feeding people.

Sometimes though, the task of whipping up a hot meal just gives you time to think. And right about now, you’re still reeling.

On one hand, you’re so happy for Sam and Dean. And of course for Mary, who’s about to get her entire world flipped upside down. You have so many questions for John Winchester…but not all of them would be pleasant.

You have to try to push that part down, for Dean’s sake. He’s just gotten his father back. He doesn’t need you adding even more onto his load.

There’s a knock on the open door of the kitchen that pulls you out of your thoughts. You raise your head and look over your shoulder. John is there with an empty beer bottle, which he raises in greeting.

You give him a small smile. “Hope you’re getting hungry.”

“With that smell, who wouldn’t?” he says, drawing near enough to lean against the counter next to you. He answers your unspoken question. “Dean’s lookin’ for some pictures to show me.”

You nod at that. “Yeah, he has a few good ones, and some are new. I’m sure you’ll like to see them.”

John nods and regards you with curiosity. He wants to know more about the woman in his son’s life, but he’s not too sure where to start.

“So you’re a hunter too?” he asks.

“Yep. Not for as long as Dean, but long enough,” you reply. It’s tinged with the knowledge that no hunter should’ve been as young as Dean when they started, but you keep that thought deep inside.

“How’d you two meet?” John asks.

Your lips twitch at a smile. You tell him the story of how you’d met Dean at a dirty bar in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Dean hadn’t realized you were a hunter at first when he watched you hustle some guy at pool.

He set you in his sights, flirted with you, and you probably would’ve let him take it further if you hadn’t stunned him with the knowledge that you, Sam, and Dean happened to be in town working the same case. From that day on, the three of you had become allies and friends.

You and Dean just hadn’t become you and Dean for a long time after that. Too long, if you were honest. But, it’s all worked out so far. This is the longest relationship both of you have been in, pretty much ever.

There’s a lull of silence that falls between you and John after you finish the story. It’s not altogether comfortable, and he realizes that when he watches you putter about the kitchen while you cook. You’re trying to busy yourself.

“This must be one hell of a strange day for you,” he says.

Your head perks up, and you have to smile wryly. “Our lives are built on strange.”

John’s chuckle concedes your point. But you look over at him thoughtfully and set down your wooden spoon.

“Could I, um…could I ask you something?” you ask.

He nods at you. “Sure.”

Maybe you shouldn’t, but you really can’t help yourself.

“We don’t know each other well,” you begin. “But, knowing what you know now, about Sam and Dean and everything they’ve gone through… If you could go back, would you change anything?”

John tilts his head at you, like he’s trying to read through the lines in your words. It reminds you of Sam.

“You mean, would I do things differently?” he asks. “From what point?”

You shake your head. “I don’t know. From the point in time you can remember, with Sam in college. Or maybe further back…from when they were kids.”

You try your best not to make it sound like a leading question, but you don’t think you’ve disguised it well enough. John stares back at you, as if the lines are now connecting in his mind.

He sees you're well-meaning. Despite your best efforts though, he knows you're accusing him of something. And he thinks you have some audacity.

He's somehow both taken aback, and amused by that fact. Trust Dean to be with a woman who goes for the jugular.

“Because you’ve been straight shootin’ with me, I guess I’ll shoot straight with you,” John replies. He sighs and wipes a hand over his bearded mouth, like you’ve seen Dean do at times when he’s tired, or anxious.

“A good part of me believes I did the best I could,” he says.

Your gaze falls; you don’t want him to see your real thoughts in your eyes.

“But,” he says, “If you're asking if I have regrets? ...Then you'd be right.”

You consider him then, for a moment. You find that you believe him. You begin to soften.

“Well, that’s something we have in common,” you reply. “But Sam and Dean are the best men I’ve ever known… So thank you.”

And you mean that. You are grateful for both of them. They became your family when you thought you had no one left.

John surprises you by shaking his head, smiling. “That’s what I wanted to say to you.”

You falter at that.

Me? you think. Why would he want to thank me?

Before you can truly digest his words, Dean comes into the kitchen, both to check on you and bring his dad the pictures he keeps in his nightstand. While he looks through them, John surreptitiously watches you and his son.

Dean sidles up behind you and rests a hand along your hip. He peeks over your shoulder at what you’re cooking. You open the lid on the big pan of rice, chicken, and seafood, and he hums in delight at the smell of saffron that hits him.

“What’s that, paella?” he asks.

You give him an impressed look. “Very good. Here, it’s not quite ready yet, but try a bit.”

You put a shrimp and a bit of rice on the wooden spoon and raise it to his lips. Dean smiles and takes the proffered bite. He then moans in appreciation.

“Oh, that’s good,” he praises with his mouth full. “A bit spicy.”

“You like that though,” you tease.

Dean eyes you, and he chuckles. “Yeah, I do actually.”

John smiles to himself, both at the pictures of his boys throughout the years he missed, and at the glimpse he gets to see now.

You turn to him with another spoonful held out. “Want to try some, John?”

He obliges you by coming over and taking the spoon from your hand. He takes the bite, and his brows shoot up.

“Oh man, that’s got some kick to it,” he says.

“Too much?” you ask.

“Nah, it’s real good.”

Dean grins, but it soon dims as he realizes something.

“Ooh, what about dessert?” he says, rubbing his hands together. “Do we have anything?”

“Nope,” you reply. “Either we pick something up, or…I could make a flan.”

Dean’s grin kicks back in, full force. If there's one thing he's come to love in this world besides pie, it's your flan.

“But! For that I’ll need more ingredients,” you say, holding down a laugh at the look on your man’s face.

“Say no more,” he replies. “I’ll go on a grocery run. Just tell me what you need.”

You’re about to respond when a door creaks open down the hall. Mary hastens into the kitchen with Sam on her heels. When she sees her husband, her face falls into shock.

“John,” she breathes.

John's amusement gradually melts away, into watery-eyed emotion.

“My girl,” he says.

The two meet each other in the middle of the room. He holds her face, and she grips the front of his shirt with desperation. Their kiss is beautiful and tender…and then it’s more.

You and Dean share a wide-eyed look with Sam. The three of you quickly tip out of the room to the sounds of soft moans in your wake.

“Wow. I mean, this is crazy right?” Dean says. He gesticulates wildly with his hands as the three of you make your way down the hall. “The way they just…connected, like magnets.”

You turn to him with a knowing smile.

“Your parents are about to have a lot of reunion sex,” you tease.

Both Sam and Dean grimace. Dean has a full body shiver and gives you a look.

“Thank you for that,” he says wryly.

You laugh and try to soothe him with a hand down his arm, but he playfully shakes his head at you. You have mercy on the brothers and manage to stifle your laughter.

“Okay, so, dessert,” you say.

“Well, since you’re so graciously being our chef for tonight, you just relax,” Dean says. “Sam and I’ll go make a run. You just tell me what you need.”

You pause in the hallway and give a hum of suspicion. You’re not sure you trust him to get the right stuff. The last time you asked him to get very specific ingredients from the store, he did not, in fact, bring you what you needed. (Somehow, he thought regular garlic powder was the same as Adobo seasoning.)

He clocks that look of yours and rolls his eyes. “Come on, really? What am I, five years old? Just give me a list.”

You relent with a sigh. “Okay, I’ll text it to you. But if you need me to send you pictures of anything, just let me know.”

Dean’s lips kick up into a smirk. He leans in for a parting kiss on your cheek, but it’s just an excuse to whisper in your ear.

“Well, I’ll never say no to some pics,” he says. “Nudes, preferably.”

He then laughs at your rosy blush and raised brows. Now you know he’s in a better mood.

“Just hurry up,” you reply, shaking your head. He keeps chuckling as he passes by you. A smile curves your lips, and you give into the urge to smack his ass on his way up the stairs.

Sam just sighs in amused resignation. He raises a hand to you in goodbye and follows his brother up to the garage.

Once they’re in the car, Sam finally unloads what he’s been holding onto all afternoon.

“Dean, how did this happen?”

“I mean, I don’t know. You said that the pearl gives you what your heart desires, right?” Dean says. “So, my heart desired… Look, I’ve wanted this, man. I’ve wanted this since I was four years old. Maybe having Mom back just brought it all back up.”

He’s not exactly sure how deep that “desire” was buried, but the pearl knew. Dean couldn’t believe how happy he was when he saw his dad again, got to tell him everything that he’d missed, getting to have him meet you. And seeing his dad with his mom again? Well, that was a child’s dream come true.

But Debbie Downer (AKA: his brother) looks concerned in the passenger seat.

“Okay, I know, and I love this too,” Sam says. “But messing with time—”

“No, no, no. Sam,” Dean says, raising a hand in protest as he drives.

“You know how this ends, Dean. Things change,” Sam tries to reason. Dean just shakes his head.

“Yeah, we got our family back together! I’ll take that change.”

“That’s not what I mean—”

“Stop. Just stop,” Dean says, in a tone that bodes no argument. “Look, can we just have one family dinner? Just one? Us—all of us together? That’s all I want. Can you just give me that?”

Sam’s lips purse. He knows it’s useless to argue with Dean when he gets like this, but Sam just can’t help the uneasy churning in his gut. It warns him that the other shoe has yet to drop on this spell.

You’re checking on the food when Sam and Dean return from their trip. Except the way they come storming into the kitchen has you turning to them in alarm.

Dean grasps your arms and searches your face. His face is marred by fresh cuts and a bruise or two.

“You feeling all right?” he asks. “Do you think Sam is a turtleneck-wearing douchebag?”

“Dean, what?” you utter. You touch his bruised cheek lightly, wincing in sympathy when he does out of pain. “What happened?”

True to Sam’s gut, the wish changed more than bringing John Winchester back from 2003. They explain what they went through after getting the groceries you requested—namely getting attacked by Castiel and Zachariah at the local liquor store.

The latter of the two angels was supposed to be dead, while the other had no recollection of being friends with the Winchesters. Sam was supposed to be a hot-shot Steve Jobs wannabe lawyer, while Dean had his mugshot plastered all over town.

“I think it’s…a temporal paradox,” Sam says.

Now, you’re very alarmed.

“Are you kidding me?! What the hell are we gonna do?” you exclaim.

“About what?” John asks from the doorway. He’s no longer wearing his jacket, you notice, and his shirt is looking a bit rumpled and hastily buttoned at the top, but his gaze is serious, matching his sons.

After sharing another telling look, Dean takes the responsibility of explaining the situation to his father, while Sam goes to find his mother.

Dean and John go into the library to talk. He explains that pulling John out of his time is now making the current timeline self-correct. Meaning, everything and everyone is gradually adjusting to the change.

“Basically, uh, if you don’t go back,” Dean says. He hesitates on the words, but he forces himself to continue. “Sam never gets back into the life. And Mom, she…”

“What?” John asks.

“Well, without everything that we did, with God, the Darkness, Mom never comes back,” Dean explains, even though it’s killing him inside. “Sam thinks that she’ll just fade away.”

It hurts him still to see the understanding don on his dad’s face, along with a smile of resignation.

“Okay,” John agrees. “I mean, me versus your mom? That’s not even a choice.”

Dean nods at that, however belatedly.

“Dean…I never meant for this,” John says.

“Dad, we pulled you here—”

“No, son. My fight,” he says. He still thinks about his conversation with you earlier today. He thinks about how protective you seemed just by that question you asked—not just protective of Dean, but of Sam too.

“It was supposed to end with me, with Yellow Eyes,” John explains. “But now, you’re a grown man, and I am incredibly proud of you.”

Dean takes that in; he feels a rush of warmth deep in his heart, even though he doesn’t know what to say.

“You and your girl…you two planning on settling down someday? Having a family?” John asks.

Dean quirks a smile. You two haven’t talk about…that. Any of that. In between all the shit you all keep landing in, he’s somehow never had those conversations with you. Maybe he should.

But not now. Not until Michael’s gone and dealt with.

“I don’t know if we’re the settling type, but either way…I have a family,” Dean replies. He can say that honestly, with a soft smile that reaches his eyes.

John smiles back.

“All right,” he says. “Just think about it then.”

Dean once again finds you in the kitchen. You’ve gotten the plates, glasses, and silverware ready for dinner on the dining table.

“Hey, there’s only four plates on the table. We’re five,” Dean says.

You nod and close the oven back up. You’ve spent the past hour preparing the flan and just took it out of the oven. Hopefully it will have enough time to chill in the fridge.

You go to Dean and grasp the front of his gray flannel. In return, he holds you close by your arms.

“Listen, I thought it might be better if the four of you have dinner together. I’ll just eat here in the kitchen,” you say. Dean’s brows furrow, but you try to explain before he can start protesting. “You don’t have a lot of time left with your dad. This is the first time you’re getting to be together with your family like this. I just want to make sure you get the most out of it.”

Dean squeezes your arms and frowns down at you.

“You being there doesn’t take anything away from me being with them,” he says sternly. “And you’re part of my family. Part of our family. I’m not gonna have you eating in here by yourself like you’re a leper or something. Come on.”

He grabs your plate and the glass that you set aside on the counter, and he brings it to the table without letting you get a word in to stop him. You sigh, watching him go, but you also have to smile as the sting of tears burns in your eyes.

Dinner is awkward and dour at first. You all can’t help but think of what’s to come at the end of the night—ending the spell, and sending John back along with it.

But after John sets the tone, encouraging them to be grateful for this moment, and not dreading the inevitable end, everyone’s able to relax. The rest goes off without a hitch.

While Sam and Dean are telling a childhood story, arguing about who’s version of the events were more accurate, you get up to grab the dessert from the fridge.

You take out the pan of flan with both hands and go to bring it back to the table, but right in the doorway, you stumble to a stop as a wave of something washes over you. It prickles across your skin and feels a lot like magic.

The pan drops from between your hands and crashes to the floor. It startles everyone in the room.

Dean calls your name in alarm. He’s the closest to you, and he gets up to steady you with a hand on your shoulder.

“You okay?” he asks, trying to get you to meet his gaze.

But when you do, he sees blankness behind your widened eyes.

“Who are you?” you ask. You look around in both fear and confusion. “Where the hell am I?”

Dean’s throat constricts. "What do you mean? You live here. I'm..."

He searches your face for any hint of a joke, but he finds none. Trepidation grows inside him, and he realizes then what this is.

Another temporal shift, getting closer to the new timeline. One in which you and Dean are clearly strangers.

Somehow, he didn’t anticipate this.

“You don’t recognize me, do you?” he says.

Your brows furrow as you take in the man in front of you. He’s certainly a sight to see, you think, but those broad shoulders, the cut of his jaw, those green eyes…they’re unfamiliar to you.

“Sorry, but…I feel like I’d remember you,” you say with a nervous chuckle. “Have we worked together or something?”

Dean’s lips press together. He gives you a meaningful look. “Sweetheart, we’ve done a lot more than that.”

Your brows raise, and you blush hotly at the thinly veiled innuendo in his deep voice. You take another quick scan of him, which he notes with a smile.

“Yeah, I uh, I doubt that,” you say, which drops his smile again. You curl a strand of hair behind your ear, like you’re embarrassed just by him scrutinizing your curvy form. Like you can’t believe he’s basically flirting with you.

That’s not the woman he knows.

“Listen, I’m sorry, but I don’t know you. I have to figure out where the hell I am and how to get home,” you say. And you ease out of his hold and back away.

Dean grabs your hand fast. “Uh, wait. Sorry, just…”

He raises a placating hand and glances back at Sam with a hidden thread of desperation in his eyes. His brother is shocked and disheartened, as are Mary and John.

“Okay. I'm Dean, this is my brother Sam, our parents, Mary and John,” Dean says, turning back to you. “I know this has gotta be weird as hell for you right now, but can you just…stay put for a bit, until I get this worked out?”

You give him an uneasy look. He’s holding your hand like he’s afraid to let you go. You don’t know this man at all, and yet he really seems to believe that he knows you. It doesn’t make any damn sense.

You shake your head. “Look, I have to go home.”

You try tugging your hand out of his, and Dean finally lets you go.

“Why, you got a boyfriend waiting or something?” he asks. He’s half teasing, and half serious.

“No, um, family,” you admit. “My grandma’s probably waiting for me.”

Dean’s expression slackens. In the right version of the timeline, you’re his girl. But your grandmother passed away a few years ago.

“Okay,” he wipes at his mouth with a hand. “Tell you what, it’s pretty late. Just give me a few minutes and I’ll take you wherever you want to go. Deal?”

The truth is, he has no intention of letting you go any-damn-where, but he needs to buy them some time to break this spell. Then you’ll be back to normal.

Right now, you’re reluctant to trust him. Eventually though, you nod in agreement. Dean wastes no time in bringing you to the War Room, where he encourages you to take a seat.

“I’ll be back in a few,” he promises.

You nod a bit hesitantly, as you still treat him with dubious suspicion. It breaks his heart. He forces himself to turn away from you and return to the dining room.

Part of you can’t help but watch him leave. Those long legs and broad shoulders are a sight, you can admit, but this is all too much for you. You further take in your surroundings and also think this place is strange. No windows…what, are we in some WWII bunker?

And yet, Señor Green Eyes claimed that you live here. Your car, your keys, it all must still be here, you reason.

So you wait until he’s all the way down the hall, and disappearing into another room. You get up out of your seat and start looking for your stuff—and a way out of here.

Meanwhile, Dean goes back into the dining room where Mary is already crying in John’s arms: for her eldest son, for her youngest, for her husband, and for herself. Dean’s eyes are red and stinging too.

By now, Sam has gotten up from the table and has been waiting for his brother. He lays a supportive hand on Dean’s shoulder. When Dean meets his brother’s gaze, he sees the shine of heartbreak there too.

“Let’s get this done,” John says.

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing.

Somehow, though, they get through it. Dean reflects on how he never got to say it to his father the first time. He feels the worst for his mom, who gets her husband ripped away from her.

It’s not fair. In fact, it’s a cruel turn of the knife that he should’ve expected. Dean feels guilty just for making this goddamn wish.

John says goodbye to his wife first, then his sons. He pulls them both into a hug that Dean clings to. Again, he hears his father say that he’s proud of him and his brother. Dean hears him say that he loves them.

“I love you too,” are the only words Dean can manage out, in a coarse whisper.

But Sam is the one who has to make things right. He crushes the pearl. John slowly disappears in a haze of golden light. Tracks of tears are wet on all of their faces, but Dean is the first one who has to lock it all away.

He remembers that you’re still waiting in the other room.

Wiping at his eyes, he leaves Sam to comfort their mother and hurries out there, to the room where Dean left you…only to find your chair empty.

A tendril of panic churns in his gut, but he has to remind himself that they’ve set things right. Even if you’ve run off, you can’t have gone far.

He calls your name as he heads for the door to the garage. He picks up his keys and his phone to call you, but he stops at the foot of the stairs.

He sees you at the top of them, having dropped your duffel bag at your feet. Your name falls from his lips again.

You turn around and hold a hand to your head, with your brows furrowed in discomfort. Your gaze travels down to his.

“Dean?” you call out.

You head down the stairs, and Dean meets you there at the bottom. He pulls you into a tight, desperate hug. His hand comes up to cup the back of your head, his fingers tangling in your hair. Even though you’re still a bit confused, you hold him back to reassure him, and to steady yourself.

“What happened?” you ask.

“We reversed the spell,” he confesses, after he finds his voice. “Had to send him back.”

Your hold becomes more comforting as your hand slides up the back of his neck.

“Oh, baby. I’m sorry,” you whisper. You card your fingers through his hair. His hold on you tightens even more. You feel his deep, shuddering breaths. He’s trying to contain it all, to push it down. You wish he would allow himself to let it out.

He presses his lips into your neck instead.

“You okay?” he asks. Your cheek brushes his when you nod.

“I’m fine, but…” You pull back enough to see his face. “Did I…forget you? Everyone?”

Dean’s lips press together.

“For a minute there,” he says, “but we got it all worked out.”

You let out a shaky sigh, and you tug him back into a warm hug that you both need.

Mary prefers to be alone that night. You understand it, but you still apologize and give her a heartfelt embrace in the hallway outside her room.

It takes her a moment, but she returns it. You start to realize that Winchesters are not a touchy-feely bunch by design. You can’t help yours though; you’re affectionate by nature. You just hope you haven’t overstepped.

Mary gives you a small, teary smile when you eventually pull away. She squeezes your hand before she says goodnight to you and her sons.

You give Sam a parting hug as well. He rubs your back in a brotherly gesture.

“Sorry about the whole temporary amnesia thing,” you quip.

Sam shakes his head with a smile. “Just glad to have you back.”

After he lets you go, Dean thumps his brother on the back. He then heads down the hall without a word.

You and Sam share a look, in which you give him an unspoken promise: I’ll take care of him.

You follow after Dean, who trekked a well-worn path to your shared bedroom. He’s already at the sink, splashing water on his face. After drying himself with a small towel, he sighs and rests his hands on the corners of the sink.

After closing the bedroom door, you go over and slip your arms around him from behind.

You rest your head against his back, and you both take in some deep breaths. Dean clasps a hand over yours on his chest.

“I’m okay,” he says.

“No, you’re not,” you tell him. “And that’s okay.”

Dean stays quiet. For a beat, he closes his eyes. He’s grateful for you. He’s still not sure why you put up with all the hellish shit that surrounds his life.

He turns in your arms so he can cup your cheek, smoothing his thumb across your skin.

“You know how much I love you right now?” he says, even though his deep voice cracks. Tears well up in your eyes, but you smile and you nod.

“Yeah, I do,” you reply, resting a hand on his chest. “I love you back.”

He frames your face with his hands and bows his head to kiss you. It’s fraught and devouring, and a bit greedy. You’re willing to give him whatever he needs right now, especially when his hands slip under your shirt and raise it over your head with practiced ease. In turn, you help him shrug out of the flannel and everything else.

You seat him down on the edge of the bed and stroke his face, his neck, his bare shoulders. His fingers press into your thick thighs as he encourages you to climb aboard, straddling his hips.

Michael still paces back and forth in his mind, but for now, Dean’s able to tune it out and focus on this moment, with you.

AN: This ended up being another long one. Lots of angst and feels, but I sincerely hope you enjoy it! I had a lot of fun with this chapter of the Espresso-verse. 💜

Keep Reading:

Next up in this series is "In Bad Weather." It acts as the finale of the Espresso-verse, though I'm still writing stories within the world to fill in the gaps when different prompts come to mind:

Summary: You and Dean tackle the biggest possible monkey wrench in your relationship yet: could Chuck have been manipulating you two all along? [Set in S15 - “Fix It” for season finale]

▶️ Next Story: In Bad Weather

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