elleisthename

[elleisthename]

When your mind is in a mood to do everything at once but your body just don’t wanna move a single muscle.

Somebody, please take me anywhere but here.

[elleisthename]

“if life were but roses and sweet champagne, wouldn’t our souls be empty and vain?”

—

[elleisthename]

Still waiting for the day when every bits of my existence will finally make sense.

[elleisthename]

Nothing feels more heart breaking than seeing your friends make plans without you.

33rd day of 2020

[elleisthename]

From this day forward

•I will learn how to say No sometimes

•I will cut negativity when I have to

•I will appreciate more those little things in life

•I will replace my Sorrys with Thank Yous (instead of saying sorry I'm late, I'll say thank you for waiting)

•I will say how I truly feel no matter how hard it is

•I will count my blessings rather than counting my problems

•I will spend more time with the people I love

•I will have some quality time with myself

•I will go the distance in all aspects in life

•I will meet more people from different parts of the world

•I will be lost and happy in some foreign lands with the people I love

•I will be happy and thankful no matter what circumstances might come my way

[elleisthename]

Can’t even believe how long I’ve been trying to push these feelings far down below and yet here I am, re-reading this, 571 days later and still rocking the boat as to whether to tell you the truth. Hopefully one day I’ll be strong enough to pour it all out not because I want you to love me back, but because I was able to get over you without saying goodbye to what we have now. Until then, bastard.

“Am I allowed to fall? Am I allowed to long? Am I allowed to touch? Am I allowed to stay? If only I am allowed to ask questions about these unspoken words between us, perhaps I won’t be left wondering every time you said good night.”

— 2133; 298 of 2017

[elleisthename]

To the person I used to be, I miss you so much. Please come back soon.

51st day of 2018

[elleisthename]

They say “home is where your heart is” well I guess my heart wasn’t even meant to be in this house. I’d rather chase the sun with shots somewhere with the people who understands me for me and accepts me for me than pretend that I ever belong here.

(via xengengporeberr)

[elleisthename]

Would you stay if I told you how I feel?

A friend who loves you more than she should just have.

[elleisthename]

It's hard not to fall in love with you when everything around me reminds me of you.

[elleisthename]

If only I could tell you how much I love you, I'd tell you everyday.

[elleisthename]

Am I allowed to fall? Am I allowed to long? Am I allowed to touch? Am I allowed to stay? If only I am allowed to ask questions about these unspoken words between us, perhaps I won’t be left wondering every time you said good night.

2133; 298 of 2017

[elleisthename]

An open letter to the people who left a mark on my soul

#2 To the Person who "supports" me in my decisions in life, this one's for you. Hi, I believe that at some point, you found my first letter before this so I will now skip the formalities. Most of the times, your opinions differ from mine. I tried to understand your logic and your point but there are times that I just cant find it in your context. I always wondered why can't you just accept me- us, for who we really are instead of trying to change us into something that will suit your standards. I get it, 'you only want what's the best for us' but you see, that's not us and it will never be us. This is who we are and I hope you could just accept us, wholeheartedly. Ever wondered why I never listen to your endless rants every night? It's because I know myself better than you. I tried explaining myself but you always shut me up, always considered my opinions as a talk back rather than an explanation, raise your voice until our neighbors could hear you clearly from their houses. It's actually pretty annoying. You're just like Him, you also never listen to understand you just always listen to argue, to fireback. What can I say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You always tell me that one day, I will look back and tell myself that 'I should've listened to Her because She was right' but you know what? I won't. Because if I'll ever look back to those days, I'll say, 'thank god I never listened to Her.' Yes there are lessons that I could learn from you but I'd rather live my life according to what I want. I am the writer of my own story, I am the one who holds the pen therefore I make my own rules, I make my own mistakes, I make my own lessons in life. You might help, but I am the one who should decide whether I'd take it or not. After all, we all thinks differently. Us being under the same roof might be a bad thing but hey, at least there are times where you and I enjoyed the company of each other right? We still find some ways to bond, to set aside the drama. You might not be the best Grandmother in the world but hey, I wasn't also the best granddaughter in the world. It's a blessing in disguise, isn't? My mistakes doesn't define me and yours also doesn't define you. After all, we're all just humans, trying to extend the limited time that has been given to us. Live as freely as you still could. Take care of yourself and my dogs. I have one favor to ask, please look after my brother. Make sure that he will not end up like me. Shouting wouldn't change a thing, please try to talk to him calmly as possible. I might not be around to defend him. He's fragile and hurt just like me. He's too young to go through this. He has a bright future ahead of him, try not to ruin it. Let him be, he will listen to you as long as you listen to him too. It's a two way communication after all. Even if you always get through my nerves, I love you -always. I'll see you soon, one way or another. -The Girl who is 'nothing' to you

[elleisthename]

An open letter to the people who left a mark on my soul

#1 To the Man who "always" got my back, this one's for you. Hey, if you're reading this, if you ever find this piece of my mind, perhaps I already have too much inside that I can no longer hold. God knows how much I tried to keep it all together in my head, not to burst out from every bullshits I get in everyday but I guess I also have limitations and I've already had enough. I know you always tell me that 'no matter what happens, you'll always be there for me.' But where are you now? I know I shouldn't have said 'have fun there and try to worry less about us' when I should've said 'please stay' because I need you more now than you ever think of. I can't take it anymore, I know that she's brought you to this world and I have to respect and follow her but how can I if she keeps on pushing me to the edge? Don't get me wrong, I love her unconditionally but her words are suffocating me. There's a thin line between criticism and insults and she've crossed it too many times now. But this letter or post is not about her, it's about you. Do you know that I've never eaten a chocolate meat for more than a decade now? How about the story of a girl who pretended to be my friend and ruined my life, have you heard about it? Hmm, how about the time when I cried myself to sleep? You see, you know a little about me and yet, you're the one who I wanna crawl into whenever I am down but it saddens me because at the same time you're one of the reasons why I will never be whole. Let me share a thing or two with you. When I was in High School, I've considered sleeping for eternity. That if I do It, at least my mind would shut up and feel a little less painful. But I didn't because I told myself that 'I am not a coward, I can face my own demons.' I moved on with my life and not a single soul heard about it. Then here comes College days, honestly it wasn't all dark and loathsome, I, alone dealt with it maturely. But when you and Her decided that going on separate ways will be the best for all of us, thoughts of escaping from everything arises -again. I couldn't sleep nor eat properly. I decided to masked everything with a smile to avoid interrogations from my friends and of course, from you and the rest of the family. As usual nobody knows what's going on in my head. Actually I did slightly opened up to you, not because I wanted to but because that's the only way you could understand me. But did you listen to understand? No. You just listen to reply, to fireback. I was in the middle of a group meeting with my thesis-mates that time and I was literally crying my heart out, God knows how thankful I am for my group mates because they respected my decision not to tell them and just keep it to myself. I know you're thinking that 'I should've told them what's going on, that they might help me get over this'. But what's the point of seeking help? I did reached out to the man who I thought would always got my back but at the end, you just shut me out. And now, I'm writing this to fill in some blanks, to have something left behind. Just to be clear, I am not planning to, just considering it. I love you, always. No matter what, you will always be my Father and the Almighty One is just like an Uncle to me. You're irreplaceable, I just hope that you think the same of me. Remember me when you're happy and never when you're sad. I'll see you soon, one way or another. -Laurenita

[elleisthename]

A fresher start for my not so fresh thoughts on a refreshing rainy day.

1150; 204 of 365