#// my jumbled thoughts. i just??? have so many and so much strong feelings for this boy

[armafidelium]

swings in here to tell you (even tho im sitting in call with you but words hard outloud) that your phel is so fucking good. i love hearing and learning about how you perceive him and his actions and everything surrounding his life and mission and what he is. your thoughts and love on him are so beautiful and make so much sense. i adore him to the moon and back (HAHA im funny). never stop. i look forward to all your thoughts and love for this man being thrown at me.

i'm sobbing like??? oh god i'm honestly happy i read this outside of vc bc the inhuman noise i made reading this. wehhhhh i honestly really appreciate this so dearly. just hhhhhh like??? i cannot words. like no words could properly express myself. i'm just-- ngl i sometimes question if i make sense when i ramble or go abouts with his character so i'm glad you like hearing. i have so many thoughts and feelings for him. just sobs profusely i'm saving this in my heart holy wowzers. imma stop before i just spew a ton more gibberish bc what are words. sobbing so much thank you hhhh

[sillyuin]

I'm all yours

Genre: hurt/comfort, fluff, very domestic fluff.

Pairing: Mingyu x gn!reader.

Warnings: Reader is ill, barely proofread, Mingyu husband material.

- Yuin's note: I forgot I'm self-aware and wrote the most delulu and self-indulgent thing I'd ever write. An ode to my fellow carats who are also getting through sickness.

You didn’t hear the door open, the cheerful voice of Mingyu was the only thing perceptible beyond the pain you were feeling, and even thought it supposed to make you happy, it was difficult to smile. It was much easier to rest your head on his shoulder, wrap your arms around his waist with the little strength you could have, and brush your lips against his neck with a gentle kiss.

��I'm here,” Mingyu responded by hugging you gently, your body trembled slightly and felt cold to the touch. “How was your day?”

“Bad…” you whispered, your voice breaking. “It’s been… the worst…”

The words got stuck in your throat and your mind went blank; the physical pain was so strong it prevented you from speaking. You felt helpless—why was it so hard to just say that your ear hurt? Or was that really all that was bothering you?

Your trembling hands clung to Mingyu's sweater in a hug so tight it almost hurt, while you hid your face in his chest to keep him from seeing your eyes fill with tears. But what started as a weak sob soon turned into an intense wail, impossible to ignore.

“Hey, y/n,” Mingyu patted your back to try to get your attention, but the more he tried to soothe you, the more futile it became.

“I'm sorry,” you whispered between sobs. “… I’ve felt so … alone.”

Mingyu patiently led you to the sofa, where you both sat down. Seeing you cry so inconsolably broke his heart; hearing your trembling, fragile voice expressing all sorts of sad things… It seemed so unfair that only you were going through it.

However, watching you catch your breath little by little was quite comforting.

You told him how your day had gone while he held one of your hands and gently stroked your cheek with the other. Physically, you felt terrible, but the contact of his skin against yours made everything a little more bearable, as if the pain were not that important…

“My neck hurts all over,” you indicated where it hurt with your finger, and he frowned, as if he somehow understood what you were describing. “I don’t think the medicine is helping…”

“This is the second time this year…” Mingyu sighed, frustrated. “Maybe you should change your treatment.”

“Again?” you complained. More than stressed, you were starting to feel depressed. “I’ve lost count of how many pills I’ve taken…”

The truth was he didn’t quite know what to say; he was worried, his mind a jumble of questions. All he could do was hugging you and that was all you needed in that moment.

You had spent the day alone while he was out at work, feeling upset and very sad, but it was better to take the moment to forget a little about all the negative thoughts attacking your mind.

Mingyu seemed to be the only remedy at that moment, and you clung tenaciously to that.

“Tomorrow we’ll talk to the doctor,” Mingyu pulled away a little and patted your hair. “For now, I'm all yours. Tell me what you want and I'll do it.”

You lowered your gaze shyly, wondering whether to say what was on your mind, but you felt encouraged by hearing Mingyu’s laughter. He knew you so well; there was nothing you could hide from him.

“What do you want for dinner?” His face was only a few centimeters from yours, and you started to feel a bit shyer.

“Pizza…?” you lifted your face slightly, giving him puppy eyes.

“Weren’t you on a diet?” Mingyu raised an eyebrow, but your pouty face was more convincing than him. “Alright, but only this time.”

About twenty minutes later the doorbell rang, announcing the delivery. You both sat down at the dining table and ate together while he told you about his day at work, chatting and laughing as if you hadn’t seen each other in ages.

Having Mingyu by your side was one of the best things that had ever happened to you because no matter how terrible the day had been or how sad it was to be ill; you could always have his company and comfort at the end of the day, and that made even the bad things worth it.

After dinner, you both sat on the living room couch to watch a movie, a warm blanket covering you as you searched for something to watch. Suddenly, he stopped what he was doing to focus all his attention on you.

“y/n, how do you feel now?” he tilted his head slightly while smiling.

“Better,” you replied, a little livelier.

“If you’re okay, I’m okay,” he turned his gaze back to the TV screen, holding the remote as he started scrolling through the channels. “Let me know if there’s anything you want to watch.”

“Actually…” You took the remote and turned off the TV. A surprised Mingyu was ready to object and defend himself, but he froze when he felt your head resting in the nook of his neck, one of your legs wrapped around his. “… I just want to hear you.”

“Shall I tell you about when I almost set the kitchen on fire because I was drunk?” Mingyu said casually, his hand resting on your waist.

“I was there, remember?” It sounded more like a tragicomedy than anything else. “The worst ramen you ever made.”

You both laughed softly; you were exhausted, and the night grew heavier while the dim light from a nearby lamp made everything feel more intimate, cozier.

“I love your voice,” you said lazily, your body nearly collapsing on top of him. “Sing for me, Gyu.”

In the silence of the living room, under the warm blanket, you finally managed to rest peacefully without thinking about the pain that tormented you. In the distance, you could hear his voice, tired yet charming at the same time, as you closed your eyes, feeling the warm beats of his heart against yours.

[drgnflyteabox]

Simon x gn!reader. Simon gives you a neck massage<3 some body horror imagery (like just description of pain), migraine, shame about chronic pain / having to take a break, soft, abrupt ending (sry)

Your neck pops, shoulders stiffening, little crackles dancing up your spine and to the base of your skull. Straightening doesn't help, no matter how much you try. You roll your shoulders back, lifting them, breathing deeply to try and relieve the pressure.

Nothing.

You stay unbearably stiff, hearing the inner machinations of your overwrought musculature with each breath, feeling it pulling at your scalp.

God, your skin pulls back while your eyes are pulled forward, pulsing, barely hanging on in your head.

You sit up again, eyes blurring, squinting to see the words on your laptop screen. They jumble together, frying your sensitive eyes, taunting you as your neck pops once again.

They should call you rice krispie, or at least make you one of the mascots. You could be snap or pop. That almost makes you laugh, but the heavier breaths send pulses of pain to your head and you stop yourself.

But your writing.

You know there's gonna be a phone call tomorrow at 11, that it's going to expect words on pape, words you just don't have.

You know you could just... send an email and explain. Offer to attach a doctors note, even though they've given you accommodations. You could delay, and probably nobody would say a thing. They haven't yet at least.

Yet you feel that coil of dread in your stomach at the thought. That poisonous little snake sinking it's longfanged teeth in you.

How many times have you had to delay? It feels like too many - too many to be normal, functional, surely.

That venom tells you you'll be fired, ostracized, that a big red stamp will be stuck onto some permanent database and you'll never be hired again.

You don't know how long you sit there, in pain, despairing your job when Simon walks quietly into your home office and lays heavy hands on your shoulders.

"It's late," he murmurs. His thumbs find your traps, digging in, and you moan softly.

"I gotta finish this," you mumble.

"It's late," he says again, "and you're tense. How's your head?"

He can probably feel how rock hard your muscles are, how the long line of your back is as rigid as a board.

"I just need to take another advil," you murmur, rolling your shoulders against his hands.

"You could," he slips on palm to your front, gliding over your collar, then gently holding your neck right below your jaw, "or you could let me give you a rub and go to sleep."

"I really need to finish this," you try, though you know it's weak. That you'll give in. You aren't accepting it- you're resigned to it.

Simon can tell.

"I'm not asking, honey," his hands move again, gliding, slipping under your armpits to nudge you up and out of your chair.

You stand, dizzy for just a moment before you let yourself lean back into him. He's a good sport about it, always is, half-dragging you to the bathroom.

"Brush your teeth," he puts the toothbrush in your hand, already tooth paste-ed, and leaves you in the bathroom for a moment.

He comes back with your pyjama's. The flannel ones you'd gotten last Christmas, worn in now and comforting. Your eyes tear up at his consideration, and you sniffle while he undresses you.

"Thank you," you mumble around the toothbrush, "my head really hurts."

"I know, honey," he says back. His voice is soft, still gravelly, but purposefully soft. That's enough to make you cry, though you can only let tears fall out of your eyes. Anything else would make your head worse.

"Do you need any advil?" he finishes buttoning your pyjama top as you spit your rinse into the sink.

"Yeah, I think so," he gives you four, which you swallow with water, "can you still rub my neck?"

He hums yes, guiding you by the elbow to the bedroom. You lay flat on your back, trying to relax, feeling his weight shift the mattress as he climbs in behind you.

His hands are perfect for this. Strong, thick, turning the muscles of your neck and shoulders into mash potatoes. You groan, grateful tears soaking into the pillow.

His thumbs find the base of your head, pushing, pushing, until the tension wrapping your skull gradually lessens. You begin to sink into the mattress, breathing deeply, hands twitching.

"Thank you," you sniffle.

"I should'a stopped your earlier," he digs into a tense spot, making you gasp for just a moment before you relax again, "know how you are."

"Mm'workaholic," you mumble.

"Ridiculous is what you are," he says. It's gruff, but it's fond. If you hadn't known him so long you'd have maybe been hurt.

That's how you fall asleep. Thinking of calling your supervisor tomorrow, apologizing, feeling better now that you aren't totally overwhelmed with pain.

Simon stays behind you as you drift, never relenting, moving his hands across your back and unknotting your stubborn muscles one by one.

"Love you," you mumble, half coherent.

"Love you too, honey," Simon murmurs. His lips find the nape of your neck, enveloping you with his body and his warmth, as your energy peters out.

[skyborneveggie]

oh my goodness your hanahaki posting is getting to me. do you have more specific thoughts on a (lawlight?) hanahaki au? flower symbolism, logistics of the illness progression/timeline, etc.? do they both get it, do they ever get over it, is this the ultimate doomed flower sickness yaoi??? The People (me) wanna know!!!

Omg thank you so much for asking because I have SO many thoughts!!! I'm currently writing a fic on this & it was supposed to be just a little plot bunny thing, but then the implications hanahaki would have for Light's psyche kept running on & on & on in my mind 😩.

To start with, I have a bit of an unconventional take when it comes to hanahaki and similar tropes... I have a very strong preference for returning agency to the person experiencing the symptoms, and in that way making hanahaki not about unrequited/unconfessed love, but about emotionally repressing one's own feelings and an inability to be honest with oneself. The body is eating itself, and out of the dead pieces grows a desperate, last chance, unignorable cry for help. For the mind to listen. A beautiful, growing thing that should have been nurtured, becomes murderous. It's a physical manifestation of extreme psychological distress; one that can only be healed by approaching emotional self-acceptance.

In this light, I feel that post-yotsuba Light is PRIME to fall prey to this. He's already the king of repression, and now on top of that he's repressing his grief over L's death to the furthest ends of the earth and back. Light is someone who, as presented in the narrative, is incapable of self-realization. What would he do if he was confronted with irrefutable physical evidence of his own emotions? Is he capable of putting in the work to heal? Is he so compartmentalized that he can pick out this one element of himself and ignore all the other hidden fragments it's tied to? Or are the many fibers of his subconscious too jumbled, too interwoven to be able to separate the strands of his feelings for L out from the mess? If he opens the box to look inward, will the truth of everything else come spilling out? Is it better to live, destroyed by the guilt of the truth of your actions; that you were only ever a mass-murderer and that. is. all? Or is it better to die, in denial, and convince yourself it was martyrdom?

And also like. The absolute shame Light would experience in the mid-to-late stages, when the effects become unconcealable. There's no way he would be able to hide it from the task force for all that time. How does someone who can't abide even the slightest hint of his own imperfection, deal with not only the internal knowledge of his emotional instability, but also the knowledge that everyone else can now see it on him too. The hatred he would feel any time he saw pity in someone's eyes. The feeling of his body betraying his mind, and everything he stands for.

Light is someone that I see as being very disconnected from his body to begin with, existing largely within his own mind, his body nothing more than a vehicle with which to navigate the unimpressive, foggy, distant physical world through. I can imagine that for a very, very long time, he would be in absolute denial about what is happening to him. His mind is the only true thing, and it knows itself better than anything. His body—clunky, stupid, vacuous—is a traitorous and meaningless vessel. It is wrong, it doesn't understand him. It is pulling things from nowhere.

At some point, he has to face the facts, acknowledge the truth about his grief and true feelings for L, and make a intentional decision about his future. There is no more naive & unconscious path forward. It is either a conscious choice to accept the known truth, or a conscious choice to suppress the known truth.

(Also I think Misa's interaction with all of this could be FASCINATING. I'm of the opinion Misa is not truly in love with Light either, and that she uses him as a prop in her own internal agenda to simulate love & normalcy. L is dead, so I don't imagine she'd see him as much of a threat to her built-up fantasy. I do wonder if she would fear for Light as an extension of fearing for herself and her own future without him, or if by nature of it being a slow decline, she would be able to come to terms with it in a toxic kind of way and romanticize the hell out of taking care of her "poor terminally ill boyfriend :(".)

The idea of Light getting hanahaki in the first half while L is still alive is interesting, & one I've thought about far less tbh. I kind of feel like since it is a present, living feeling at that point and hasn't yet become internalized as a past-tense emotional memory, it could be possible for Light to come to terms with his feelings without jeopardizing his internal construct. If it was between life and death, I'm certain he would choose life in that case. But I'm not sure that it would deter him from killing L in the end.

And perhaps this goes without saying, but if the operation was available in this theoretical universe, pre-yotsuba Kira!Light would recognize & get it all ripped out right away out of necessity, to prevent himself from being compromised under pressure of the game. Post-yotsuba Light, with the threat of immediacy removed and dull fog of mundanity descended over him, would have more time to linger in denial. (I am trying to decide, for my fic, whether it is believable that Light could be so deep in denial that he could let himself get to the point where the flowers and vines have inextricably embedded themselves in his system, and the surgery is no longer possible by the time he seeks help; or if his sense of self-preservation outweighs his emotional denial. I would love to hear your opinion on this 🤔) Yotsuba Light is so, so interesting to think about!! He has the highest capacity to heal his hanahaki the natural way, but he is still the same perfectionist, internally unforgiving person. I'm kind of torn as to whether I think he would be able to reach self-realization, or if he would still see his feelings as a weakness and get the flowers taken out. I could see either happening under the right circumstances.

As for L: I feel that L is able to be a lot more emotionally honest with himself than Light is. If he got hanahaki, I think it would fuck him up inside and that it would be despairing, but I also think that he doesn't have an internalized compulsion to lie to himself. He might hate it, but he would be able to accept the truth of his feelings, and banish the flowers by letting the knowledge of it live in his body like a silent, melancholic memento. In this way, L's hanahaki has the potential to be canon compliant. Alternatively, if he did get the surgery, it would be more of a calculated, impersonal decision, one that he might not really want to do but has to for his own best chance at surviving the game. He might be a bit mournful & carry a bit of preemptive regret over it. Unlike Light, who would tear everything out with furious self-loathing.

I could go on even more, but this has already become extremely long ��. Thank you for listening to me ramble endlessly haha.

[bookwormwithadhd]

so my nlmg review / meta / rant / idk what this is im just gonna put my jumbled thoughts in here

i started never let me go because... pondphuwin, plus the plot seemed interesting, and let's say they both didn't let me down, the first more than the latter. but i do have a bunch of criticism for it and things i wish they had done differently.

I'll start from my favourite things about Never Let Me Go:

First of all, the freaking OST. so far NLMG has the best OST in any thai bl I've watched. It was so contextual, beautiful, weaving in and out of focus when it needed to, had a big role in setting the mood of so many scenes, in creating tension and resolving it. The songs chosen in many of the romantic scenes were super fitting and all had a similar vibe somehow. The OST helped hold this entire show together so well. I really need to save a bunch of the songs from the OST to my playlists.

Second thing, the cinimatography of the show. From start to finish, NLMG consisted of so many aesthetically pleasing shots. All the visuals were amazing, and served the plot and themes of the show so much. The colour grading of the show gave it a very nostalgic feel. The scenes that showed confidence were so powerful, the scenes with the sweet moments were so soft, the scenes that showed desire were so strong and heartfelt. Honestly the director of the show did such a good job. Also thematically a lot of shots showed the class difference and social hierarchy, as pointed put by @biochemjess in this post, by using levels and the characters positions in the scenes. Or the lighting discussed by @respectthepetty in this post. There are a lot more thematic things that were shown through the cinimatography but im too lazy to analyze them all. All in all, I loved how each and every scene was so put together from visuals to music to acting. Good job jojo.

Third, PondPhuwin's INSANE chemistry, and their amazing acting in general.

I'll start with Phuwin. He did so well portraying Nuengdiao's character. It was so satisfying and awesome to see it from the subtle body language to the big emotions. Phuwin is so good with big emotional scene's ™ it literally gives me goosebumps. He was able to show the softness yet the rage in Nuengdiao, all the pain but all the happiness, all the immaturity and maturity displayed by him throughout the series. The freaking confidence after coming back from the island, and the uncle kit confrontation scene were so powerful, so well acted and vital to Nueng's character arc, and Phuwin did them flawlessly. Some of my favourite scenes that showcase Phuwin's brilliant acting are the rooftop fight/breakdown scene (it was actuallyone of the first scenes i saw a clip of before i watched nlmg and i was like nah i gotta watch it), the fight/break up on the beach scene, the putting-palm-to-sleep-and-running-away scene (might be my favourite scene ever even though it's so sad), the comeback feom the island and taking his rightful place as a heir sequence, the palm getting shot sequence. Like, oh my god, again, goosebumps. Have I mentioned how good Phuwin is in big emotional scenes???

And Pond... that guy, he's probably one of my favourite thai actors ever. Pond has a certain feel, a certain texture and genuineness in his acting that I can't put my hands on, but oh god, do i feel with every role he plays. His acting has a flavour that I really love. He does geniune, sincere, devoted, softly strong like no other. I saw his acting in We Are first, and honestly it was so surprising to me at the beginning how different Palm's personality is from Phum's (they do have their similarities, but in the beginning of nlmg, Palm was so diff). This showed me how much range Pond has. The hesitance, the politeness, the strength yet softness, the sweet confidence, the micro expressions and the not so micro expressions, they were able to paint Palm's personality so well from ep1 directly. His devotion to his work and to Nuengdiao were so prevalent in every look on his face. His conflict of wanting becoming closer to Nueng but also wanting to (more like having to) do what his father wants him to do, was so well acted. And all the confidence Palm gained at the island arc, when they were in the safety of the island, free like the sea, away from expectation, it was so beautiful to watch Pond act that. Some scenes that highlight what im talking about are the scene in the hospital when Palm confronts his dad about not caring about him (then we see Tanya hugging Nueng just after Palm got slapped by his dad and like kahskajmaj), the scene were he sees Nueng kiss Ben, the shooting class scene ("love is much more powerful than hatred" YEAH TAKE IT FROM THE GUY WHO IS FULL OF DEVOTION AND DESIRE), the scene when Nueng humiliated him at the party (i hate the scene but Palm's face, Palm's reaction, Palm's heart breaking... its powerful), Palm coming back to confront Nueng after the first breakup. The list goes on.

Now PondPhuwin together? it's fucking ART okay? it's so beautiful in all its shapes and forms. All the longing looks, every stare, every piece of dialogue shared, every touch, the tension was there, very strongly. It was so there you could feel it through the screen. Then all the romantic scenes, all the sweet ones, they served. The fight scenes were so good. The soft scenes were so good. The angsty scenes were spot on. The comforting scenes, the hugs, the pain, the tattoo kiss (i will never be over that), the way their relationship goes through so many different stages and so many different dynamics and they did each one of them so fucking well. I honestly will stop talking about this because i could write a 100k essay just about how much i love to see them together on the screen. You guys get me, right????

Anyway, another thing this show did right was FEMALE CHARACTERS. I can't stress this enough, but I'm so tired of shows that give the most 2D, weakly written, unlovable female characters only. And here we got three well flesh out, well written important female characters. Starting with Mrs Tanya, Nueng's mother.

If you saw my post after watching ep 1, you saw how much Tanya caught my eye and attention. And that didn't stop as the show went on. She is strong, loving, caring, but flawed, and oh do i love that. I live that she isnt perfect. I love that we see how much she tries to do her best after her husband's death, how confident she is managing the business and stating her terms and boundaries, and how much she tries to protect and care for Nueng. Was her way of doing that right all the time? not really. but that makes her realistic and makes sense for her character. She unconsciously puts pressure on Nueng for being the only hope for the Kiattrakulmethee family, just like his dad did, and unknowns makes Nueng's relationship with Palm more strained with the promise she made Palm make. But over all, we see a genuine caring mother, that fixed her mistakes by the end and tried her hardest to be successful. (Also she is gorgeous??? i can't not mention that. plus her stylist slayed)

Up next is Maggie!! she was such a pleasant and very very needed character. She helped in Palm's development by being a very good friend. Im so grateful they didn't make her flirty with him all the time and the usual not being able to read the room and trying to get in between the mcs. Nope, we got a genuine friend, who had an initial crush on Palm (i mean look at him, who wouldn't??) but then realised the story, recognised so many of Palm's internal problems and gave him much needed advice and support. They were so cute to see together, and i loved the scenes were she was talking to Palm about what she wants to do with her life, and asking him about what he wants to do with his. I think there was something beautiful there because we saw so much of Palm interacting with people from higher class, poeple who dont understand an integral part of his character, and then we see him talking to maggie, who is also working class, who is also trying to navigate her life and live it to it's fullest job after job. Idk why i liked that this much. I love Maggie, she deserves the best.

And finally, the character i thought i was gonna hate but i loved immensely, Palm's mom, mama Mam. We meet her, as a mother who doesn't know her son, a selfish mother that left and loves her family on her own terms. But them once her son comes back to her life, she steps up to take her role as a mother, and boy does she do good. What we saw of her in the few episodes she was in, was so important. She embraced her son's presence fully and read him so well, gave him advice and supoort he very much needed, gave him a safe place and so much love (for him and his boyfriend), and then as a final tribute, sacrificed her life for theirs.

Her character portrayed the complexity of motherhood, of love, of life. The thing she told palm about life not being all about love explained a lot about her character, and is kinda true. So yeah i love how well written she was.

Now, for side character appreciation we get CHOPPER! You dont get how much love I have for him. He is a green flag, no, a green forest and literally such an perfect character. Perth's acting>>>>>>>>>>> The fact that Chopper faced all that conflict alone, had to choose between jailing his own father and becoming complicit in his crimes, it's heartbreaking. Even Ben wasn't by his side at that point. He was so alone, yet he did the right thing. Love a character with strong values. I love that he didn't have any negative feeling towards Nueng, despite all their parents' conflicts. And him confornging his father? badass, even if he faiked to stop him. Him shooting his father? BADASS.

[molarbeardoc]

Me when I write

Hope you all enjoy Cheshire Cat doomed yuri. This ship has grown on me a bit chat.

Also they start out dating? Woah that's rare from me

Enjoy hurhurhur

Edit before Posting #1: WTF SHE’S 6’7?! 9’0+ WITH THE HAT?! Oh my God she’s literally a fucking GIANT!!!!!!!

EBP #2: Urg I made myself jealous can’t wait to cause suffering

EBP #3: OH YEAH I should probably mention blood and character death warning. It does get a bit graphic towards the end. Viewer discretion is advised.

The elevator was noisy...

And full

Full and noisy...

She hated that.

Two of the things that she hated the most, combining into one awful physical hell.

Her ears flattened as each voice jumbled with one another.

"Brick boy."

"*KRRTZ* WA-WARNING PROTOCOL INITIATED! Animals of such large aren't allowed in the estabilishment! Please re-relocate."

"You wouldn't even hear a fly buzzing around through that thick wooded skull."

"I hate that um... dumb green cat."

So much noise, so many arguments. And then that dumb animatronic had the nerve to say she wasn’t allowed. Sure she wasn’t the thinnest cat but what she lacked there she made up for in strength. At least she thought she was strong.

Ugh! Why is she thinking so hard about this?! She just needs to get to the WHEEL OF floor, then she can get off this elevator and not have to worry about psychos anymore.

As if she spoke it into existence, the elevator dinged before its doors opened, revealing the floor as she let out a quiet prayer and sighed. She wasted no time to push past the others, earning her a few confused stares as she exited the elevator.

She made sure her tail wasn’t caught in the door, as that had happened before and trust her, not only was it painful but she nearly lost it entire, before turning her gaze to the purple suited deity that sat on the crates near the wheel. Her closed eyes opening at the sound of someone’s arrival.

"Retro!"

The feline purred as she heard the adoration in Mach’s voice, rushing over and climbing onto the stage before sitting next to her.

"Mrrow!" «Hi Mach!»

"What brings you here?"

DrRETRO rolled her eyes as she looked at the deity, who was now leaning forward with a knowing grin on her face.

"Meow!" «I know that look. You know why I’m here!»

"Yeah I know! I missed you."

"Meow.." «It’s only been a day.»

"That long?! Yeesh I don’t wanna know how two days are like!"

Before DrRETRO could respond, she heard the sound of a metal door slamming open. Of course being a cat, well katball, she was startled by it; instinctively jumping back to avoid possible danger.

Instead, she was met with the cowardly, caterpillar, clown. Pilby was staring at the two awkwardly, their face contorting into one of anxiety.

"D'ohhh… I’m sorry. Am I messing something up. Heugh I always mess up :0(…"

"Pilby we’ve talked about this, you’re not a mess up. You’re not interrupting anything."

"Oh good golly. I’m sorry Mach."

"It’s okay. You’re fine! If you wanna go on the elevator, you can. They haven’t left yet."

Pilby turned towards the open doors. Upon hearing and seeing the chaos that occurred, they shook their head rapidly.

"Oh fiddle faddle! That looks overwhelming! I prefer to stay here please…"

"Suit yourself."

She turned towards the startled cat, chuckling quietly as she lifted her top hat. At least the caterpillar wasn’t alone when it came to feeling afraid..

The doors of the elevator closed, taking the rowdy crowd with it as it began to ascend.

"Me-" «So-»

The doctor couldn’t even finish her statement- erm meow before she was pulled close and given several kisses on her forehead by Mach. As much as the feline loved it, she wouldn’t let her get away with this. At least not without a challenge, trashing around as she purred in an attempt to escape.

"Hey stop that! I’m not finished with you yet!"

DrRETRO continued her attempt at escape, her purring becoming louder before she eventually gave in. It’s not like she didn’t enjoy it, after all, anything that came from the deity was practically a gift… At least to her.

"Mrrrooow.." «I let you win this time.»

"Sure you did."

Mach held the face of the feline, looking down at her with a smile as she rubbed her cheeks.

"You’re really soft you know that?"

"Mmmrreow!" «Who do you take me for? Bive? I shower every day!»

"Yet you’re still a big, fat, stinker."

"Purrrr…" «I’m your big, fat, stinker.»

"Touché."

Pilby was left watching the two from the side, smiling as they listened to their adorable conversation. They found their relationship to be like two middle schoolers who had just gotten together, being all lovey dovey and overly affectionate with each other. They were glad they had fallen for one another.

Mach being the keeper and caretaker for the "[X] OF" floors, had a tendency to overwork herself. The last time that happened, someone ended up getting a hammer straight to the gut; and based off the sound, they were pretty sure it took a while before that person had actually healed. Not to mention Mach was left were a darker coloured hammer than what she originally had.

She did eventually attempt to apologize to them but the damage had been done and they immediately ran off before she could get halfway through her statements. They never heard or saw it happening again… But they were pretty certain it did when they weren’t around…

DrRETRO was similar. Usually overworking herself to give others check up. From what Pil heard, Bive was the most difficult one to handle, typically having to either be held down or knocked out to get her to comply. Just the sound of it seemed exhausting and irritating…

The difference between the two was DrRETRO fought dirty, going for quick and deadly attacks or attempting to cause some sort of permanent damage to her opponent. They were certain this had to do with her going to prison as they once witnessed, first hand, along with Mark and Spud!, her and Gnarpy get into a giant cat fight. Fur flying in frenzy as they fought tooth and claw. Even with the alien having the extra limbed advantage, xe still lost horribly due to Retro’s size and strength. Pilby even thought with Gnarpy’s zapper or whatever xe called it, xey would still lose!

They were certain the only reason why the katball even decided to heal xem was because Spud! asked her to! The very guy that hated Gnarpy ended up feeling bad for how badly xe lost the battle. Apparently that was enough to get the doctor to lift her glasses and beam the poor Gnarpian. As stoic as Gnarpy was, they had never seen xem look at someone with such hatred yet also pure terror in their four eyes.

Ever since then if either one saw the other on the elevator they flat out refused to enter it. They could’ve swore they even saw Gnarpy flinch one time when DrRETRO narrowed her eyes at xem.

However, it’s like they both tried to better themselves for the other. Both never overworked themselves since they got together, like they wanted to be the best version they could be for each other. It was absolutely adorable in the caterpillars eyes. Sometimes they even had little sleep overs! Mach typically left Pilby in charge when she was gone but always made sure that every task, except the easier ones so they didn’t feel useless, were already completed to prevent any accidents.

They watched as the two enjoyed each other’s company, talking and dropping the occasional pet name or tease. After a few minutes they decided to leave them alone, quietly walking across the stage and walking through the other metal door.

"Waowee, they’re adorable! I’m happy for them."

Mach listened as DrRETRO ranted about her day. From the rowdy elevator, to uncooperative or annoying patients, and even Jermbo not helping her out as he promised. He was always selling his pops that made everyone drop like flies… Well more like turn to dust. Mach witnessed it happen once, it freaked her out to think that something so simple could disintegrate someone just like that.

"So in other words, your day so far hasn’t been ideal."

"Mrraow…" «Yeah...»

"Well at least you’re here with me. I’m sure my mere presence can brighten it."

"Mew." «You’re so egocentric.»

"I am not! I’m just being honest!"

The feline rolled her eyes as she looked towards Mach, continuing to purr quietly with a small grin on her face.

"Mrrow..?" «Hey Mach?»

"Hm?"

"Mrreoww… Meow…?" «Maybe I’ve been listening to Split talk too much about Bive’s conspiracy theories but… You really think there’s other versions of you?»

"What?"

"Meow! Meww…" «You know like if there are different versions of you! Maybe a you that wears pink suit instead of purple?»

"That sounds like a fashion disaster, everyone knows purple is the superior colour."

"Meow! Mmmeow? Mrrow…" «Oh come on I’m being serious! Maybe in a different universe we switch roles? I take care of the Wheel of or Hall of or Wall of or whatever and you’re the one taking care of the others.»

"I mean… It sounds like an interesting concept. I don’t think it’s entirely plausible though. Well maybe it could exist…"

"Meow!" «Maybe I have a giant top hat or I’m just a dog in another reality!»

"I’m sure my catself would still love your dog self."

…

"Merrow.." «That makes me wonder…»

"What?"

"Mrroww…" «Are we together in those realities?»

"Well I’m sure we are! Seems unlikely that we aren’t."

"Mew…" «Yeah… You’re right…»

"When am I not?"

Mach would take her hat before covering the doctor’s face with it, mischievous grin on her face to contrast her usual neutral expression.

"MROW!" «YOU LITTLE-!»

She pulled the hat off her face, an amused purr erupting from the feline as she gazed up at the deity.

The next few hours of theirs were just spent talking and enjoying each other’s company, and before long, it was time for DrRETRO to go. She bid her farewells as she made her way back to the elevator and pressing one of the buttons. As she waited, she felt a slight tug on her sleeve as she looked down towards the cowardly caterpillar she saw earlier.

"Heugh, you don’t mind if I come with you do you? I’m pretty sure most of the ones from earlier got off. Plus, I need to get something from Enphoso’s shop..."

She nodded with a purr, she never minded Pilby. They were a sweetheart and one of the few more tolerable beings to be around. Plus, it was just a quick trip to the store and back; she could wait that long for them. The elevator dinged, opening its doors to reveal a nearly empty elevator; minus a tired Lampert and reserved Pest.

The two didn’t say a word at DrRETRO and Pilby entered the elevator, keeping to themselves rather than engaging in small talk. Pilby was already completing the necessary steps to make it to their desired floor before shuffling back over to stand near DrRETRO.

Soon enough Lampert exited onto his IKEA floor and Pest left to scrounge the subways, leaving the caterpillar and katball alone.

"So uhm…"

She looked down at Pilby, tilting her head.

"How are you?

"Meow." «Good…»

"That’s nice… That’s good… D’ohhh sorry for making things awkward. I just couldn’t stand the silence anymore."

"Mrrow." «It’s okay, I understand.»

"Are you gonna get anything from Enphoso’s shop?"

"Mmmmrew." «Hmm, I don’t think so.»

"Maybe you could get a gift for Mach?"

"Mrow-?" «What-?»

"W-Well you don’t have to! I was just suggesting since you two are together now you could get something for her? Heugh! Sorry for invading I don’t mean to be a nosy busybody…"

"Meow!" «No no, that’s a good idea!»

"Oh… That’s good!"

Retro nodded. Why hadn’t she thought of it sooner?! It was perfect! But what kind of gift could she get her? Enphoso had some of the most… interesting items. She could’ve sworn she remembered seeing some sort of plushed golden doll. When asked about it, apparently it was called The Token of Midas. What it did, she didn’t even wanna find out. She knew little of Midas but she knew about how everything he touched turned to gold.

That wasn’t a risk she wanted to take.

She was pulled from her thoughts as a small ding was heard, the doors of the elevator opening and revealing the cheery music of Enphoso’s Shop. The katball and caterpillar stepped out of the elevator as its doors closed behind them.

"Hello!"

An overwhelmingly cheerful and echoing voice spoke out. One she had heard many times, it was like a broken record.

"Welcome to my store. I only sell glig glags and doo dads, so be sure to pay up at the front desk! BUT DON'T STEAL ANYTHING FROM ME."

Yet another empty threat of the yellow, smiling, cashier. She had witnessed Pest swipe items from the shelves and face no consequences almost as many times as she heard its voice. Either Enphoso was extremely blind or extremely stupid; maybe even a bit of both.

Pilby had wasted no time to gather their items, which was simply some more apples and a small tub of frosting. DrRETRO was taking much longer however, carefully scanning the shelves for the perfect gift as Pilby watched from afar.

"What’s she looking for? Are my glig glags and doo dads not enough? Or is she planning on stealing..?"

The caterpillar jumped back out of fear. They never heard Enphoso speak in such a quiet yet malicious manner, the glare it sent them didn’t help either.

"Honk! Sh-She’s just looking for a-a gift for someone..!"

"You better not be lying caterpillar. I hate accomplices just as much as their thieving frie-"

It was cut off as someone cleared their throat. Enphoso looked up, its chilling smile remaining on its face as it looked at the katball doctor.

"Took you long enough, silly!"

DrRETRO merely rolled her eyes and placed a purple bowling ball on the counter. She would have preferred flowers but of course it didn’t have any… Weird smiley face.

"Will that be all?"

"Mrrew.." «Yes..»

The two watched as it rung up their items and sent them on their way.

"See you later! Hope you enjoyed your stay…"

Enphoso’s high pitched giggles could be heard as the elevator doors closed, freaky weirdo smiley face. What was wrong with that thing? It was always acting so weird.. She didn’t like it at all.

"I don’t think that thing likes you very much."

"Meow." «I don’t like it either.»

"That’s fair. What’d you get?"

"Mrrow. Mraow." «This purple bowling ball. I wanted to get her flowers, but just my luck that thing didn’t sell them.»

"Maybe you can get her flowers later?"

"Mrow-" «Maybe I could-»

The sound of metal and concrete scraping against each other cut her off. Both she and Pilby lifted their heads and looked at the ceiling towards two holes that replaced where the fluorescent lights would be.

"Mrrow..?" «What in the…?»

The caterpillar had already backed away, not wanting to get too close in case electrical wires fell from the openings. For DrRETRO? Curiosity killed the cat. One moment there was just confused staring and questioning mrrows, the next the sound of the bowling ball cracking as it hit the floor along with a cut off excruciating yowl.

Pilby could do nothing but stare in horror as the sound of metal pierced flesh and broke through bones filled their ears, the feeling of warm blood splattering on them as they dropped their newly bought items and covered their mouth in shock.

The caterpillar watched as DrRETRO quivered a few times before falling completely still, her eyes dull and lifeless as the metal spike that pierced her body slowly lifted back into the ceiling; dripping the thick crimson liquid from its tip and onto the floor. The katball laid there motionless, her fur stained red and skull cracked open.

The sight was too grotesque for Pilby, causing them to look away while crying. They felt sick to their stomach, they wanted to throw up. They were covered in blood, good GOD they were covered in her blood. What were they gonna do? They what COULD they do?! They can’t just carry her back to her floor she was way too heavy and-

Wait…

How were they even gonna explain this to Mach?

How could they break this down for her?! "Yeah sorry your girlfriend is dead.." THAT’S NOT HOW YOU TELL PEOPLE SOMEONE DIED! Christ they had no idea what to do..

They turned back to the lifeless body behind them before looking at the cracked bowling ball. She bought it for Mach, it’d only be fair that she received the gift, even if it was not of use. It laid partially in the small crimson pool that had gathered around the doctor, Pilby picked it up and held it carefully before backing away. Their once white and green pale paws now stained as they picked up their own belongings.

They continued growing more and more queasy as the metallic smell of iron filled their nose. Upon hearing the ding of the elevator, they waited impatiently for the doors to open before running out, tears still streaming down their face as they rushed towards the stage.

Mach was still there, sitting on the wooden crate with her eyes closed before opening them as she heard the arrival of the elevator. A smile nearly graced her face before she saw the distressed and bloodied Pilby running towards her. Immediately she grew concerned, getting up and stepping off the stage.

"Huh- Pilby? What’s wrong? What happened?!"

Her grip on her hammer tightened as the caterpillar stopped abruptly in front of her, unsure of how to begin. She noticed the clown makeup on their face had started to run due to their tears, she noticed how they struggled to speak, she noticed the items that they held in their many arms. She kneeled down, carefully taking the items before placing them on the floor along with her hammer.

"Pilby. Calm down, it’s okay. You’re safe now."

"Hng- She- The-"

"Shhh… Calm down… It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You’re not in any danger."

"The spikes-"

Spikes? She never really took the elevator anywhere, so she had no earthly idea what they were talking about. She knew a few of the floors such as the one where its bottom fell out, she thinks it was called the frightening floor..? She couldn’t entirely remember.. However, she did her best to comfort them holding two of their hands.

"What about spikes?"

"The lights moved an-and-"

"And…?"

"They killed her!"

Mach grew more concerned as they spoke.

"Killed who?"

"We were just coming back from the shop.. And it killed her."

"Pilby, who died?"

"She was looking at the holes in the ceiling, she was just looking, and then the spikes fell and one of them killed her. It killed DrRETRO!"

Mach felt her heart drop, her already pale face turning whiter at the news. There was no way… There was absolutely no way she was dead. She didn’t want to believe it. She refused to believe it!

"What..?"

"She’s in the elevator. I didn’t know what to do. I can’t carry her, she’s too heavy. I didn’t know if I should’ve taken her to her floor or not. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-"

"…"

Mach listened as the caterpillar repeatedly apologized, slowly looking towards the elevator. The doors hadn’t closed yet, it was like it was begging her to take a glance. Begging her to see what it did. Like it wanted to prove her wrong..

"Stop apologizing… Head to your room…"

Pilby stood still as they watched the deity slowly make her way towards the elevator, they had stopped apologizing but they didn’t leave. Not yet. They were still too distressed to leave.

Mach cringed as she got closer to the elevator, she hadn’t even looked inside yet she could see the blood dripped off the railing and running down the walls. She took a deep breath before stepping inside, her stomach churning in disgust and despair at the grisly sight before her.

Before her lay the body of DrRETRO. From what she could tell the 'spike' had fallen through and pierced her from her skull through her stomach. Bits of bone and brain laid near her, her eyes were dull, blood had dripped from her mouth and stained her fur.

Mach let out a quiet sigh, forcing herself to stay calm for now. She couldn’t just leave her here but she had no clue what to do with her body. She looked at the buttons of the elevator, her mind coming up with an idea as she pressed them with shaking hands.

She pressed the frightening floor, searching her pockets for a coin before placing it in the slot.

She stepped off the elevator, staring into the eyes of DrRETRO as the doors slowly shut.

She turned towards Pilby, staring at the caterpillar as they trembled.

"Mach..?"

"Go get cleaned up.."

"… Okay…"

She sighed as they didn’t press further, however they did pause for a moment, picking up the cracked bowling ball and slowly making their way over to Mach.

"She heugh… She bought this for you… Enphoso didn’t have any flowers so she got this instead.."

Mach carefully took the bowling ball from the caterpillar before they left, going to get cleaned up as they muttered quietly to themselves and went through the metal door.

She stared at the purple bowling ball, gripping it tightly in her hands as tears began streaming down her face, staining her cheeks as she trembled. She wanted this to be some sort of horrible nightmare, she wanted this to be some sort of sick yet false reality. But the more she stared at it, the worse she felt. The more she stared, the more it sank in, the more she stared, the more she realized there was nothing she could do to change this outcome.

All Mach could do right now, was breakdown in silence..

RAHHHGGGGG LIVE LAUGH LOVE YURI!!!!

I fell asleep while writing the end and woke up with a headache sorry for any silly typos and horrible grammar that appears.

Hope you enjoyed it!!!!!

[f1-disaster-bi]

50 and norrix please for the spotify drabbles

(yes I listened to alot of Fletcher this year, she was my top artist. I had some shit to work through 😂)

Attached to You - Fletcher

"So, am I ever going to meet the famous Max Fewtrell or your family?" The words were said teasingly, and there was a smile on Martin's face but Lando felt them land like a punch to his gut. He knew that this question would come up eventually. There was just no way that Martin wouldn't notice him keeping them apart from his family and friends. There were only so many 'some day's' and 'they're busy' excuses that he could make before he had to face the truth, and it wasn't that he was afraid of them reacting badly or that he was embarrassed of Martin. No. Lando was simply scared to show people and himself just how good Martin was for him. It terrified him. Introducing Martin to the important people in his life made all of this real. It would make Lando face the fact that this was the healthiest relationship Lando had ever had, and that he wanted to keep Martin forever. Bringing Martin further into his life meant opening himself up to be hurt again. It made it real, and the Lando didn't have a good track record with things being real because they always backfired and he ended up alone. And Lando didn't know if he could survive losing Martin. "Lando?", Martin asked gently, pulling Lando close to him and cupping his cheek with nothing but concern in his eyes, "You know i was joking, right? I don't want to rush you. I know you'll introduce me to them when you're ready" Lando swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked at Martin. Vulnerability had never been his strong suit but Martin made him feel brave as he tried to unstick the words at were clinging to his tongue. "I just...if you meet them, it makes all of this real. I know they'll love you. My Mum will love you instantly, and my Dad will pretend to be threatening but you two will bond over so much. And Max...Max will test you and I know you'll pass, and it will make it all real", Lando whispered, trying to explain his jumbled, anxious thoughts, "And if it's real, that means you could hurt me so I've been pushing it off because this? Us? This is the happiest I've ever been, and I am terrified that the moment this becomes real and attached that it'll break" "Oh, Lando", Martin whispered softly, pulling his face close enough to kiss his forehead so sweetly it made Lando's eyes water, "I'm scared too, and that's okay. I've never...I've never felt this strongly about someone before and it's beautiful and scary, like falling off of something but knowing you're safe. I don't know what the future holds but I know I love you, and you love me, and that's what matters" Lando felt himself shake softly as he threw himself into Martin's arms, trying to melt their bodies together as Martin wrapped himself around him. "I love you too", Lando whispered into his shoulder, "I want you to meet them. I want this"

[s-b-party]

Home is There and Here With You

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59810080

Includes: Light angst, Mild hurt/comfort, Memory loss, Friendship, Platonic relationships

Yuu has a moment of self-reflection of sorts after contemplating about the overblot incidents, leading to homesickness and fear of losing memories. Cue Grim trying his best to comfort them.

When all was said and done, Yuu was glad that the guys made it out of their overblotted states. Were they wrong? Yeah but it was also hard not to feel bad for them. Of course Yuu had found the same routine of needing to stop somebody's overblot annoying to do, but at the end of it, they were glad to see things get resolved. Glad...but also sad.

It was hard to admit after seeing all the times the guys had others look after them when the blot had dissipated. There were always people there to bring them back home.

The red tyrant...

The lion...

The sea witch...

The cobra...

The fair queen...

The watchman...

The dragon...

They all had people fighting to bring them out of their manic states. Were they all good friends? Not exactly, but they definitely had special bonds that the Prefect could see even if nobody else could. While some were very close, others were closer than strangers but perhaps a bit too distant to be called "friends".

All Yuu could think about was their old world and the people that were left behind. Sure, they made many friends here along the way and they have been here for quite some time, but they couldn't stay in Twisted Wonderland forever. It's not as if they chose to leave their old family & friends behind in the first place. Homesickness had reared its ugly head when they thought about their loved ones both here and back there.

The smiles on their parents' faces, warm hands hugging them, their friends' cheers at their competitions...

"Myahaha! What's wrong, my henchman? Surely the great Grim can solve your problem! Is your stomach hurting?" The direbeast sauntered his way to Yuu who was currently curled up on the sofa in a blanket while lost in thought. One short breath in and one long breath out, maybe it was time to stop keeping it in...

"I-I'm scared, Grim. I know Crowley said he'd find a way...but what if there's no way home for me? I was dragged here by the Dark Mirror even though I have no magic. I...I'm so scared, Grim. I'm starting to forget things. I don't know if the overblot incidents got to me and jumbled up some of my memories. It's just- I can't stop this fear of forgetting my old life. There's probably something that can fix my foggy memories of my old life, but even if I do find a way home, what'll happen to my memories of you and everybody else here? Will you all disappear...just like a dream? I already lost my family and friends once, I don't want to go through that again when I go home."

Lips trembling and eyes watering, Yuu laid bare their worries which gnawed at their soul for quite some time now.

".......I'm sorry, Yuu."

Grim initially was laying down on the sofa next to them. He then rose up from his position to squeeze himself into their arms underneath the comfy blanket. He gave off strong purrs which provided much comfort to them.

"I don't know much about traveling worlds a-and I'll be real sad to see you go home but...MRAHHHH I DON'T WANNA BE SAD AND SAPPY!!!!"

Yuu couldn't help but chuckle at his outburst. "Yeah, I didn't think you'd want to be sappy ever."

"I don't know how much help I'll be when it comes to sending you back- n-not that I'm saying that I'm not powerful, that's not it! Hmmmm...if it makes you feel better, the idiots and I'll be by your side while you're still here!"

"Thank you, Grim. That does mean a lot to me."

A comfortable silence fell upon Ramshackle Dorm that night and Yuu was able to sleep well with Grim nearby. Being both exhausted in mind and soul, Yuu was rest assured with the promise of another tomorrow in Twisted Wonderland.

They say that home is not a place but the people whom you love.

If only words were enough to tell you how much I wish I could return to you.

I see you in the twinkling stars of another world, in the clear river bank that trickles alongside the passing seasons,

in the breeze that carries voices that I can almost hear, in the rays of sunlight that caress my cheeks with warmth,

in the magic of this world, if only all of this could convey how badly I miss you.

If fate were kind, my two worlds would meet together not unlike a gentle kiss, if only life could be fair...

Whether I'm here or back there, I'll always be thinking of home.

****This is my first fanfic ever and it was really fun for me to write even though I was still emotional over Book 7 (still am ngl) 😂 hope y'all enjoy it :3

[shadedheart138]

I Left My Body Lying Somewhere In The Sands Of Time

This piece of writing focuses on a certain coping mechanism that I don't know if everyone is comfortable with, so I'm putting a border up. And here, I will put a definition! "Age regression is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when someone's thoughts, emotions, or behaviors revert to a younger developmental stage. It can be a temporary or long-term response to stress, trauma, or other factors, and it can happen at any age."

So this is NOT A KINK, and I only say this due to the people I know are out there who perceive it as such. People have this in real life. People cope with this in real life. This is just a personal headcanon that I was learning how to write with, and I'm doing my best to know all the research. Please let me know if anything doesn't fit or doesn't seem right or anything that I've gotten wrong, I'm trying to learn.

If you don't want to read it, no one is forcing you to. Be safe, readers!

Time was supposed to be unshakable, wasn't he? Their leader, the man everyone turned to for answers? When something goes wrong, who's the first person everyone knew had the answer to the given problem? Always ready to give advice. Ready to comfort. Old and wise.

So why was he curled in the trunk of an old tree, not feeling old at all?

His adventures had been hell, with time travel. More than double of his lifespan had been spent as a child. But he was in his late thirties now, he was sure, so why did he suddenly feel so small like the world was too big and he wanted to hide? Where was the strong leader people looked for?

He was gone, and a child was left in his place.

Link sniffled and cried, hugging himself. Thankfully they'd been at his and Malon's ranch, so whatever this... this was, was at least occurring in woods he knew were safe. But to someone who felt so small, feeling like the treetops hit the sky, like his memory wasn't quite there or complete, the forest was a maze. Almost like he was nine again. If Time was Time, he'd walk home in five minutes, no problem. But he... Was he Link out of Termina? Link after beating Ganon? Where was the math, what was his age? Would the Mask of Truth show him how old he really was, deep inside?

Was he nine, seventeen, sixteen, eight, five, thirteen, eighteen, or thirty six? That was too many numbers to think of. Masks he could do. He knew them, he wore them, he was the person inside for a bit. Somebody different. Certainly not the mess he was now.

He couldn't walk out, no problem, this time.

Link's hands- at least he knew he was Link, if not anything else. Was that a comfort or a curse? - fumbled at his belt. So many masks usually lined his belt. Where did they all go? The details were fuzzy. Only three of them were still there. At least there were three and they weren't all gone.

He hit his elbow on the tree and instead of flinching, his cries renewed, quiet and confused. Ow, why were even the trees being mean to him today??? It wasn't fair! It wasn't his fault that his limbs were too long and he was too tall and he felt too old to sit here and cry. Brain and body were not the same. Both complex in different ways. All mixed and matched and jumbled. He couldn't quite get a proper grasp on that feeling in the back of his brain, starting to spread and bleed fuzzily into the rest of his consciousness.

Link sniffled and rubbed his eyes. Right, what was he trying to do again? Masks? Ah. The first one he'd ever held.

He unclipped the Deku Mask with shaking, too-big fingers and cradled it gently. Perfect. He sniffled again. " 'M sorry." His voice was thick and small. He then slipped the mask over his face.

XXX

Why did transformations hurt so much? He'd forgotten how much they hurt. He didn't want to hurt. Had he, at some point, gotten used to it? But when had he had the chance to forget, it couldn't have been that long ago?

No matter. Link was maybe a little shorter than he was at nine, with the mask, and that almost cured his sniffles completely. Small in both body and mind, perfect! Matched like Malon's favorite cucco socks! But now what was he going to do, in these woods, in the late hours of the day? It was rapidly getting dark.

Being small wasn't useful in the dark.

And oh, Link didn't like the dark. Things that screamed and cried and took your life lived in the dark. The moon lived in the dark. Majora. Ganon. They all lived in the dark and he was surrounded by it, barely able to see the trees. No fairy to light his way. No song of home faintly heard through the trees to be his guide. Not even a night light.

He burst into tears again.

Link's tears weren't really there, seeing as he was effectively a Deku Scrub. There were no tears to cry. But the frantic breathing was there, the choked sounds in the back of his throat where vocal chords used to be. His hands were clumsy, made of wood, but they were small, how he wanted, needed, felt. How would he get home?

Oh, no no no, Link couldn't go home. They would think he was so silly, Mido would laugh. But was he going home to the Kokiri, or home to Malon? Would Malon think he was silly? His boys?

He didn't want to think of his boys. Link wasn't someone's dad. Being a parent was an adult job. And Link had just made the rule that he wasn't allowed to think of adults, effective immediately. Perfect rule, and rules were to be followed. Rules kept you safe.

So, instead of trying to go home, he scampered off deeper into the woods. He could find fairies, some light. And maybe when he felt better, they could guide him home. Navi always seemed so good at that.

XXX

"Where the fuck is he??" Warriors hissed, looking at the darkness outside. Time had gone out hours ago, claiming he needed firewood. It didn't take hours to gather wood from a stack of wood that was already chopped. He'd seemed a little detached as he told Warriors where he was going, but Warriors had chalked it up to needing some alone time from everything around.

"He jus' fuckin' up an' vanished." Twilight was pacing again. Time wasn't known for just disappearing. Or for saying he was going one place and turning up in another. That was Wild and Hyrule's job. Sometimes Legend's, if he was pissed off enough.

"It's nearly night, don't you think-" Four was cut off by Warriors grabbing his sword.

"I'll go get him. He's somewhere out here. I'll find him. He can't be far."

XXX

Oh, Link was so far away from home, and he wanted to go home NOW. Forget looking silly, the trees were all looking at him and they were mad and there was no moon and he could hear all the noises the forest made. He wanted to go home.

Link made soft, wounded noises, heading this way and that. No fairy bushes, no mushroom lights. No Navi. No Tatl. Just the dark and ohhelpno-

A very small hole he'd wedged a foot into. Had something grabbed him? Link pulled and pulled, but his foot was stuck and tight. Maybe some sort of burrow? He'd know if he was bigger. For sure. Link whined softly. He could hear the forest moving, which meant he had to GO GO GO or else something would find him and snatch him and he'd be gone forever-

Footsteps, quietly crunching, soft to try and not be heard. Link held his breath.

And immediately lost it in a grating sob, unnatural in the transformed body. Link's hands were too clumsy, no matter if they felt the right size. He couldn't magically dig himself out of the burrow-hole. The footsteps were getting faster, more urgent. Link couldn't get up, couldn't get free, one more footstep, Link curled up over himself, two more, hands on his face, covered in dirt one more two more three and four- "Heyyyy, shh. Are you okay?" The voice was warm, calming. As if talking to a frightened, wild animal. "I'm not here to hurt you, just looking for a- Time?" A time? What a funny thing to be looking for. Vaguely, Link recalled that he responded to that name. He paid it no mind, instead continuing to try and wiggle free.

XXX

Warriors looked down at this... Deku Scrub? That clearly seemed to be Time. The scar, the eyes, even the markings had transferred. Time was making an odd rattling noise, sort of like shaking deku nuts in a bottle. Trying to talk? Trying to explain? No. Warriors noted that it was some attempt at Hylian crying, though the body wasn't built for the sound.

Oh, dear.

"Okay, okay, I'll just- I'll try to figure out what's going on, okay? Is- is it some sort of curse? Can I break it? Here let me-" Warriors reached under Time's arms to lift him free, and Time was immediately clinging to him.

XXX

A curse? Was he cursed? Link cried into Warriors' neck. He knew Warriors, knew him from stern talks and warm mugs and being carried when he was too sleepy to walk. Warriors was safe. And he'd brought light with him! Link sniffled again, hands fisted in Warriors' scarf.

Warriors started to pat him down and check him over.

"Are you hurt? Are you okay? You've been gone hours, Time."

Link shook his head. But he didn't answer the second question, nor did he respond much to his name. Warriors found the small dip under Link's chin that meant that he was wearing a mask. Warriors frowned.

"Hey, can you look at me?"

Link looked up at him.

"Are you wearing a mask?" Link nodded slowly.

"Sprite, why? You've told me you don't like using those." Link jolted at the nickname and watched Warriors with wide eyes. 'Helps', Link signed, struggling to properly move his hands the way they should for the sign.

"Helps? With what?" Warriors only got a shrug as an answer.

XXX

Time shuffled to try and lay his head down on Warriors' shoulder, but Warriors gently held his head back up. Time was being so vague. He didn't seem to be fully there, his eyes distant. What could the Deku Mask help that Time couldn't do himself? Time didn't like using masks anymore, he'd said on multiple occasions.

"Can we take the mask off?" Warriors asked, moving his hand to try and get his fingers under it-

Time startled and pushed at his hand, making that same rattling noise he'd made earlier. 'Need it!' Time signed with emphasis, shaking his head.

"Time, c'mon. We've gotta get it off, so you can tell me what's going on."

Time made what was clearly some sort of whine and tried to hide his face in Warriors' neck. Warriors made a startled noise and tilted his head a little to make more space. "Is- is there a reason you can't take it off?" Time didn't answer that one, too busy clinging.

He was acting like a child, frightened and desperate. Warriors put a hand against Time's head, holding him close. "What's going on, Time? I'm just worried." Time made an unhappy noise at the name, and Warriors was sort of freaking out inside. He hadn't seen anything like this, where someone who was normally a functioning adult acted and sounded like a child-

Oh, wait. He had.

Back in the war, once things were starting to simmer down. The nightmares and flashbacks were terrible for many people. And Warriors had seen many a person cry and wail and ask for a parent. He had seen them draw and play in a safe tent. He had watched them seem at ease for the first time in a long time. He couldn't recall what Proxi had called it, but he knew it was some form of coping. Something to make them feel safe.

Time... maybe that's what Time was facing, now. The overwhelming feeling of being small and vulnerable again. These dark woods were no place for a child, whether only in mind or not.

"Alright, Link. I'm gonna need you to take off the mask for just a little while, okay? I've gotta talk to you and need to make sure you can talk back. It might hurt, and it might not make you feel great, but I've gotta check you over. Then, if you want, you can put it right back on."

Warriors softened his voice, hoping that he'd listen.

Time- Link. He could call him Link for now. Just in case.

Link sniffled and cried... and put his hands up to take off the mask. It came off quick, and as soon as it unlatched from Link's face it fell to the ground, and Warriors was met with wailing. He'd been right, the rattling sound had been an attempt at crying.

Now with an armful of a very heavy man, Warriors grunted a little and made to sit down. Link wound up in his lap, shaking and visibly trying to make himself small as he fisted a handful of Warriors' scarf.

"Hey, hey. Okay, see, wasn't so bad. I'm gonna check you over now, okay?" Warriors started gently moving Link's body to make sure that all the nicks that'd been in the Deku Scrub body had been scars and not cuts. Finding that that was the case, Warriors then gave him a hug.

"Alright, good. You're not hurt. Can you..."

Should he really ask this question, was this an invasive ask, would he be mad-

"Can you tell me how old you are? Or how old you feel?"

Warriors bit his lip, rocking Link gently back and forth, waiting for an answer. Link gave a wounded noise and shook his head, closing his eyes and pressing at them. Worth a shot.

"Okay, can you talk to me at all? Tell me why you were so far out here all alone?"

Link visibly tried to gather himself.

" 'S hard." He whispered, voice thick and upset. Link started crying a little harder, and Warriors was quick to console him.

"No, no, no, Sprite, it's okay. You don't have to talk if you can't. I can do without. Can you sign okay? Just give me a simple yes with your hands, if so." Link signed a shaky 'yes' and then moved to hide his face again.

"Okay, buddy. Do you think we can go home now?" Link shook his head, his tears soaking Wars' shoulder. "Why not?"

Link's hands were hard to read, as he shook and clung to Warriors. Warriors caught half-made signs of 'sleepy', 'scared', and 'can't'. He sighed and moved to rest his back against a tree.

"Alright, Link. We'll just sit here until you feel better, okay?"

[darkwolf76]

I am coming to your inbox as a menace asking for Deirdra angst from the hidden pregnancy prompts: "You robbed our child of a parent and me of being one."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Deidre startled, not expecting anyone in the godswood at such a late hour, especially not with the revelry of feast going on inside. He emerged from the dark like a specter. The white, greys, and silvers of his armor and cloak glowed in the dim light of the crescent moon, almost as bright as the bark of the weirwood Deidre knelt before in supplication. "Criston?" His name came out rough, heavy on her tongue after she had spent so many months gritting her teeth to prevent it from leaving her lips.

"Those children," Criston croaked. "They are not his." Deidre could not make out the expression on his shadowed face, for he would not look at her. His whole appearance seemed wretched, his black hair wild from his fingers running through it too many times. His shoulders slumped, and his head bowed towards the ground, as if he was ready to cave in on himself. He seemed to sway, unsteady, but his words held a certainty that caused Deidre's stomach to twist in anxiety and discomfort.

Should she deny it? Would it matter either way? Her hands shook as she brushed them against the red velvet of her kirtle, blood from the cut on her finger no doubt smearing on the skirt. She turned her face back to the weeping face of the heart tree for answers she knew it would not give. The silence in her mind and between them felt deafening. The gods and her knight both waited for her to speak.

She rose slowly to face him, emotions jumbled and raw. "My husband did not claim them as his. They were his father's, born around the time of his death. Lord Blackwood didn't even know they existed. We simply are caring for them."

"The Queen questioned me, a few moons back. She asked if any men had been giving you any undue attention. She said you'd been hurt, that she was trying to find answers."

His quiet words each felt like a stone in Deidre's stomach, increasing her panic and discomfort. She twisted the twin rings on her fingers. "You did not speak of us, did you? Criston, it could--"

"Would I be standing here now if I had?" His voice found more strength and volume as his head snapped up. His eyes appeared black in the night, narrowed and accusatory, a wild hint to them. "But why would she ask me such things? Why did I not hear about any of this from you?"

"You did not hurt me!" Deidre shook her head, desperation choking her. "And I did not want you to be harmed. Criston, I just wanted to keep you safe."

"So they are mine then?" His question hung in the air between them as they stared at one another. The anger in his eyes was tinged with desperation. It was the glistening of unshed tears in those eyes that freed Deidre of the hesitancy that held her voice hostage.

"They are." She felt bitterness and release to finally utter the truth to someone, a secret that she'd kept so close to her chest the past few months.

Criston dropped to his knees at her words, a sob bursting from his chest. Deidre found her feet moving forward of their own volition as she knelt next to him, her fingers twitching until they found their home again, cradling his jaw. After months of feeling cold, with only the briefest flashes of heat, she felt warmth again at the pressure of his strong, rough palm covering her hand, holding it desperately as if he was afraid she might disappear.

Tears ran freely down the stoic knight's cheeks. Deidre felt her own cheeks wet. "You should have told me," he rasped. She let out her own sob at his broken words. She shook her head, not able to respond with all the emotions and thoughts warring within her. She had so much she wanted to say to him, that she should have said to him, but none of it would come now that she had the chance.

He grabbed her, and she let him draw her in. She crumpled against his strong frame as both their bodies shook with quiet cries, and they wet the other's cheeks and hair with their tears. She curled one hand into the familiar gap between his breastplate and pauldron and ran her fingers through his hair, messing it further. His hands found their home back on her waist and in her brown curls.

The comfort of the familiar embrace settled her tears enough for her to speak again. "I wanted to keep you safe. I know better than most the price you might have had to pay if we were caught," she whispered against his chest.

He tensed, his fingers flexing at her hip as he replied. "I should have been given the choice to decide what I was willing to pay." He withdrew from her a bit so he could look down at her with a frown, a now dulled anger in his eyes. "Did I not prove enough that your love was worth the price of my white cloak?"

Deidre furrowed her brow at the accusation laid bare in his words. "You would have paid with your head Criston, not your just your cloak, and I would have still been without you in the end."

"I would not have allowed that happen." Criston shook his head, fingers tightening slightly in her hair. "Had you had faith in me, I would've found a way for us and our children."

Deidre fought the annoyance and anger stirring in her gut, for she knew Criston was still in shock, while she had had months accept the harsh reality of their situation. "We do not live in a song where love and heroes always triumph. I would not have my words be the cause of your downfall."

"Deidre, you robbed our children of a parent and me of being one!" He snapped, the anger flaring in his dark eyes. His grip on her hip became almost painful. The surprise at his sudden outburst caused her to pull against his grasp. He must have sensed her discomfort, for his hands immediately withdrew from her, as if she had burned him. He quickly stood and stepped away. "Forgive me." He bowed his head and looked away from her, flexing his hands before he offered a hand to help her up.

Deidre hesitated for a moment before accepting his help. They stood in silence, neither willing to let go but unsure if they could draw closer again. "I am sorry," Deidre whispered, sorrow blooming in her at the despair on Criston's face.

[virginreprise]

dearest VR, have you watched the film paris, texas? i have many jumbled incoherent thoughts about how its exploration of landscapes (specifically the american west) as metaphysical spaces, its prominent age gap relationship and other thematic elements intersect with the same sorts of things i like best in joel and arthur fics (skewing toward the DDLG ones hehe). and the same sorts of things that speak to me in lana's art, too. the film is not smut obv lol but i see strong connections between it and the fics i like best (and stories in general). it is a bit more gut-wrenching than i like the fics i read for escapism to be, like one of the truest depictions of ptsd, domestic violence, substance abuse, and 'the inability to go back' and the age gap is kinda just a fact of the mater. BUT i think you said once you are not necessarily a happily ever after person and i kind of love when age gap fics are not. typing this on my phone, it makes no sense, just thoughts... but wanted to say them after i saw your americana post from the other day on my dash :))

okay nonnie, i wanted to watch the film before i replied, just so i could you give you a comprehensive reply that wasn't just me pretending to agree with what you were saying and promising to watch a movie that would've probably stayed in my to watch list for a long time. soooooo, i watched it last night and it has been stuck in my mind ever since.

its exactly my type of film, so much so that i put in my top four on letterboxd. the shots of the landscape were breathtaking every time, no matter the length, the sympathy that i felt for travis was constant throughout the film and then squandered towards the end with the revelation and that fucking brilliant last conversation between him and jane. the cinematography was impeccable, the acting from the kid was brilliant which is unusual because i don't usually like kids in movies because (no offence) the acting always sucks. however, this time round it felt like they'd just told hunter carson to talk about his special interests and they'll just film him doing so with harry dean stanton nodding along and listening as a dad normally would.

it was just so personable and i don't wanna seem like I'm droning on because half the people reading this probably won't have a fucking clue what we're talking about, but it was so visceral in every way that a film should be. my melancholic nature was definitely stimulated and the age gap was unexpected but also extremely poignant and necessary. i just feel like its so realistic for such extreme age gaps to not have a happy ending, you know?? especially in an american wasteland where two people come together out of comfort that then transforms into obsession and possessiveness that ultimately stunts a healthy growth of the relationship. its something that i want to explore in this next fic i have planned called 'An American Trilogy,' (yes i named it after the elvis song), which is hopefully gonna be a three part fic that spans three months of summer starting in alabama, through north mississippi to memphis (for reasons i think you can gather from the fic title) through arkansas and into texas where...inevitability occurs.

i'm undecided whether i want to write it for joel or arthur because i feel like i've got a good few joel fics now and nothing to show for arthur who has always been my original man. if it were to be arthur then i'd have to transform the setting into a late 1800's southern america and there's a whole load of history that goes alongside it. unless people wouldn't mind a modern au - personally that's not what i like in an arthur fic tho. the historical setting is kinda part of him. let me know what yall think though!!

[atropalugosi]

i am very sleep deprived so apologies if this is jumbled or if anything doesn't make sense, but i have been thinking about this all day and needed to say it out loud

Yes yes Bela is a strong, workaholic Roman Emperor, but ignoring that and getting to the heart (lol) of her, the part that cares too much, that feels things so fully it cannibalizes her, she is Ophelia. A deeply tragic and beautiful character that we cannot help but be drawn to, perhaps because of the tragedy of her. This is obviously not a completely clean cut comparison of characters, there are just as many differences between them as there are similarities, but I still think there is enough to warrant a comparison at all.

Perhaps my personal biggest comparison between the two is the fact that both women, while having agency within their own stories, are TREATED as though they do not by those around them. Hamlet, Laertes, and Polonius all treat Ophelia as though she is a tool to be used for their own gains, and the same can very easily be said of how Miranda AND Alcina interact with Bela. If she is not on the council, putting in more work than any sane person should, staying under lock and key where they can always know she's being a good little pawn, then she is being belittled by her mother who holds no room for mistakes and disappointments from her daughters, or actively threatened and gaslit by Miranda for being "hysterical". At no point is Bela ever allowed to simply be herself without it backfiring on her in some way, and so she begrudgingly complies because at least it keeps her sisters safe.

My second argument for Bela being an Ophelia comparison is her heart itself. Ophelia is SO full of love and devotion, both for her family and for Hamlet, and characters within the play are forever shaming her for this. Bela is so full of heart "she would burn down cities for those she loves" and that is precisely why Miranda curses her to not feel at all. Both characters are expected to be loving and devoted to the people they are closest to, but the SECOND that love can be misconstrued or used against them, they shut the girls out, they rage against the love they have, they make the girls into villains they are not. Hamlet verbally abuses Ophelia when he believes she is spying on him for her family in order to push her away, and Miranda actively takes away Bela's ability to feel and act out against her will when she starts to be too free thinking and caring of others.

My third and atm final thought on the matter because my brain is running on fumes is that they are comparisons for their perceived "madness". Ophelia has FOREVER been regarded as a bit of a loon despite historical context as well as her treatment throughout the play providing exactly a perfect look at why she decides to end her life. And poor Bela, distancing herself from everyone and everything, working herself near to death, and slowly killing herself in a more passive way, not even of her own accord, but simply because she has no other choice in the matter. They're looked at by the surrounding characters in their stories as though they are hysterical and completely out of it for their perfectly understandable reactions to traumatic events that directly affect their livelihoods.

I don't know how to do a closing statement at the moment, so just hope you enjoyed the read and I will probably be back with another part to this soon

[ineffablemossy]

Wish Upon a Fallen Star

I'm still on the waitlist for AO3, so I thought I'd just post the first part of this fic on here. I haven't written fiction for a long ass time, 20 years maybe? I've got so many ideas rolling round in my head, feels good. Just a short one to start though. 906 words. This will be in 2 parts and should post the rest this weekend. Feedback welcomed but please be gentle if possible!

---

A loud crack pushed him to spin on his heels. The heat from his sword flickered near his face as he moved. Aziraphale looked up at the brooding sky, shades of purple betraying the chaos of the battlefield below. In this liminal dimension, chunks of stony island floated among fractured celestial architecture. Everywhere around him the battle still raged. How long had they been fighting? It felt like days had passed since the two sides had first clashed. 

He felt a deep ache in his bones as weariness overtook him. 

“Why are we tearing ourselves apart like this!” he shouted, then bit his lip as he thought better of the question.

He spotted a star, brighter than those peeking through the background; it shifted, slowly at first. The light streaked downwards, gathering speed. “That’s no star,” Aziraphale whispered to himself. Following the movement of the falling star with his eyes, he made a wish [1].

[1] It was perhaps the first wish made upon a star, and much later it would be he who put the idea into a human’s head. After all, his wish had come true, surely it would work for them too.

His wings beat once, lifting him from the broken ground. His muscles tensed and he propelled himself forward. As he approached his doubts grew. Sparks fizzed around the light, flying off into the dark before petering out. There! He inhaled sharply as he saw the outline of pale feathers shimmering in the burning blue-white light. His strong wings beat faster now, matched by his heart hammering against his ribcage. Could it be them? He’d looked everywhere, scouring every corner of the battlefield, searching for one angel. 

“No!” his voice was thin, his throat tightening as he spotted strands of blazing copper hair plunging through the heavy air. He could make out the singed robes fluttering around their limp form. His eyes filled with determination, although the lines on his face betrayed the fear that gripped him. He dived.

So cold. So bright. I can’t feel my wings. I can’t feel. I can’t.

A wide island rushed towards them. Too fast. I have to make it, thought Aziraphale. I have to. Please God help me. His wings burned with the effort as he caught up to the trail of light. His face stung as the ash and sulphur in the air whipped at him. Tears sprung unbidden from his wild eyes as his jaw opened in a scream of terror. He reached with both arms, dropping his sword as his fingertips grazed the hem of the angel’s smouldering robes. And then there was no more sky.

Dark. Thunder. I can’t feel Her.

A cloud of dust and bits of grass blew across the platform, the impact shuddering through the grey stone. The dust slowly settled on a jumbled pile of feathers. Stillness fell as gently as the night, the sounds of fighting suddenly distant. 

One of the wings twitched.

Soft. So soft. Softsoftsoftsoftsoft sosososo…

Aziraphale opened his eyes. They were sticky with tears and the ash clinging to his lashes. He held his breath as he moved his wings, sharp pain spreading through the shoulder under him to his coracoid. Taking a ragged breath to push the pain to the back of his mind, he dared himself to look in the space between his arms.

The angel’s shock of red hair spilled across Aziraphale’s chest, just below his chin. Their limp form seemed too small as he held them tightly. Relief flooded through him and his breath hitched, slowly morphing into small sobs as more tears streaked down the sides of his round cheeks. He rolled onto his back, cradling his fallen star gently and burying his face in the long fiery tresses.

“Please,” he whispered longingly, “please. Please wake up. Please wake up. Don’t go. Please this can’t be the end. I’m sorry I couldn’t find you. I promised I would.. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry..” he broke off with a tight feeling in his throat and cold dread gripping his stomach.

Softsoftsoftsososoft I don’t want to go

The angel breathed in suddenly and coughed twice before the sound dragged out into a whine. Aziraphale’s eyes fluttered closed.

“Oh thank God! Oh, thank you thank you,” his mind raced as words tumbled out of him “It’s alright, I’ve got you, I’ve got you. You’re ok, you’re alright, I’ll never ever leave your side. I’m here, I’m here, I'm right here dearest”. He smoothed his hands gently over the angel’s back, feeling their breathing slow as they came to.

“Azi.. Azi…” they croaked, pressing their face to his chest. Aziraphale felt the hands that had created so many of the Universe’s beauties bunch in the fabric around his waist. “Azira…”

“Raphael,” he replied in a soothing voice “my darling, it’s me. You’re going to be alright now my dear. Just stay still a moment, you’ve been through the proverbial wars I fear.” They lay there on the grass in the middle of the empty sky, far below the celestial combat they had plummeted through. Time seemed to stretch out and Aziraphale thought he could well stay there for all Eternity and be happy with his lot.

I want to stay. Here forever. For Eternity. Please don’t let this moment end. It’s all going wrong, please just let me stay. Here here just here with him please please please just him just here…

---

to be continued shortly...

[rubberduckrobin]

Dreams of the future.

Pairing: Simeon X GN!Reader

Summary:

“ My heart beats out of my chest for them and I just can’t help it. Is it love?”

Y/N has been invited over for a sleepover at Purgatory hall, with Luke, Solomon and Simeon, but Simeon struggles concealing his newfound feelings for them….

Read Simeon’s perspective as he falls deeper in love with them…

Word Count: Around 4k

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49380574/chapters/124613413

Author's note: Heyyy, idk what to say…um….yeah. 🤷‍♂️ Enjoy reading!

TW: Nothing I can think of.

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Part 1: My heart is beating and I know why.

I didn’t get a good night's sleep last night. I guess the issue was anticipation. I have to admit it, I'm so excited. Luke has been so pumped up for this sleepover and I suppose it’s rubbed off on me…

The more I think about it, the more I can’t think at all; all of the words inside my head seem to jumble to form images of what may be the future or what may not be; and I just have to sit there an comfort myself that i’m not going to make a fool of myself in front of them.

Y/N was invited. Is that the reason that whenever I think about it, it's with not only feelings of excitement but also fear? Are they the reason that my heart pounds whenever I think of them staying over, or just the thought of them at all? 

I don’t know much about love. In the Celestial Realm, all I knew was to value kinship above everything else. Not once have I felt the sensations I felt, to quite the extent, from just standing near them. 

My heart beats out of my chest for them and I just can’t help it. Is it love? I didn't notice these feelings until the idea of the sleepover came up. It was Luke's idea to plan this, and looking back on my motives to go along with it, I now realise that I agreed with the sole purpose of getting to spend more time with Y/N. 

It’s unusual how I was so blind to the sensations I felt in my body before. How could I have not noticed my strong longing to hold them in my arms, intertwine our fingers, pepper them with soft kisses. 

It’s foolish, I know. Solomon told me the same. He’d noticed long before me, and I only just noticed this now. He’d told me that it was obvious that I held a special place in my heart for Y/N, and that I was a fool in love who didn’t know yet. He said it teasingly, but perhaps it was right. 

Perhaps I'm really falling for them. Or perhaps I already have. I’m not used to this. How can I remember what I felt like before? It's like when you're sick, the sensation prevents you from remembering what it's like to be healthy. Oh, that would make more sense of the expression “lovesick” then. I guess I'll need a doctor, hehe.

The doorbell is ringing…my heart is pounding…

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Part 2: I can no longer think without a thought of you.

Luke, Solomon and I welcome them at the door and seeing their smile makes me feel more at ease, remembering how many other days they had spent at Purgatory Hall. Not overnight, however, but it surely can’t be too much of a difference; even though they will be sleeping over, they will be sleeping in Luke’s room once we are all tired enough to declare the night’s events over. 

I realise that (in a hidden disappointment ) perhaps it's best that Solomon and I retreat to our own rooms. Luke may be an angel who has lived for more than the average human does, but he is still a child in angel standards, and being an angel alone can also put someone at ease, so I'm sure Y/N would be more comfortable sleeping with just Luke. Luke is overjoyed, of course. He’s really taken a liking to them, and I think he sees them as his best friend. This is the happiest I've seen him and I'm glad.

I wonder how Y/N charms so many people. Solomon has been stolen by their charms too, and being honest, it makes me jealous. He’s much more forward and flirtatious than I am and sometimes I just have to hope that Y/N hasn’t fallen for him before me. If I even had a chance, that is. 

If there’s even the slither of possibility that whenever Y/N sees me their heart beats at the same rapid pace as mine, and that they feel jittery at just the slight brush of our shoulders, then perhaps maybe I would indulge in a more open expression of my feelings for them. 

When my eyes meet theirs I see the realm of possibility that they share my feelings. But when they look away, I can see it shatter, and I can feel the thumping in my heart when they tell me that they can’t accept how I feel for them, outcasting me. Neglecting me for Solomon, perhaps. 

Yet again, my heart doesn't allow this, and desperately tries to pull me closer to them, my lips to part and for me to just…say it. Tell them that i've never felt this way about someone before. Tell them that I want to hold them in my arms, intertwine our fingers and pepper them with soft kisses. Tell them that I don’t want them to smile at Solomon, or Luke, or anyone else, only me, and that we would dance in my dreams forever.

We’ve now made it into the kitchen. Of course, all of the previous thoughts were momentary, however not once has it escaped the back of my mind. 

Luke says “Do you guys want to bake cupcakes for our first activity? I brought the ingredients!”

I catch a glance at Y/N and they seem eager, so I reflect that on myself too, hoping that they could find the similarity between us, and want to search for more. 

We start to prepare. Luke preheats the oven. I start to crack the eggs that had been left out to set while I watch in the corner of my eye Y/N and Solomon, too close for my own comfort, and they smile at each other and my heart hurts. They take out the ingredients from the fridge and their hands meet as my own clench, not in anger, but regret in knowing I haven't been working hard enough to have a closer bond with Y/N. 

I tell myself I'm getting too worked up and need to focus on just having a good time. 

So I do just that. 

When we are all mixing the ingredients in the bowl, I take the opportunity to ‘flirt’ a little with Y/N. I put my hand in the flour bag and as I took it out, I flicked it on their face. They flinch a little and I start to feel bad, but then I notice that beautiful smile of theirs again, and it gives me courage to keep going - I grab a bigger amount of flour and chuck it at them, but of course not too much to waste it, and this time it ends up all over their face, including right to the tip of their nose, and I find it absolutely adorable. So much as to stupidly comment on it:

On the tip of my tongue, the words slip out and I catch myself saying “you're so cute” mid-way from what seems to be a giggle. 

I didn’t intend to make things awkward but an inevitable solitary gap follows. In order to ease the awkward tension, I laugh and scratch at the nape of my neck. 

Solomon notices and joins along too, taking some flour and throwing it at me. I inhale the powder and sneeze a little. 

“Revenge” he says, with that classic, seductive smirk. If I hadn’t fallen for Y/N first, I'd probably be head over heels for this man. 

Luke joins in with the fun too, and takes a dainty amount of flour, presumably not to waste any more, and throws it at Solomon. Solomon turns around and pulls a fake angry face, but Luke takes it a bit too seriously and gulps. I notice this so I step out and gave him a good pat on the head to let him know we were just playing, but little did he know that I had flour all over my hand! 

Solomon points this out, we laugh and by the time the cupcake mixture is in the mould, I had forgotten my negative thoughts from earlier.

Y/N still has a bit of flour on their cheek…I lick my finger subconsciously and wipe it off…

Thank the celestial realm that no one else saw…well, except for Y/N…they turn away and their face reddens…I'm worried I may have made them uncomfortable, or even angry. 

“Oh…! I-I’m sorry.”

But before I can catch their response, everyone's attention turns to the oven as it pings, letting us know that the cupcakes are ready. 

“Guys guys! Look~! They look great don’t they!” Luke exclaims while taking them out of the oven. The cupcakes are a sort of golden-brown colour and they look absolutely delicious. 

“Shall we decorate them?” Solomon suggests. I have to agree that they do seem plain. 

I turn to Y/N who seems to have decided to ignore what happened, and me in the process, and they seem pretty enthusiastic to decorate the cupcakes.

And I now feel the same. 

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Part 3: Setting the mood.

It’s been a long day. 

I’m not necessarily tired, but it seems as though Luke definitely is - he dozed off within the first few hours of our film marathon. So, we have decided to move to my room, so we don't disturb him. 

Once we get there, Y/N immediately makes a beeline towards my bed, and I can’t help but blush. Seeming relaxed, they leap onto it and sigh. I’m glad they don’t feel self-conscious about the fact that they are in my room for the first time. 

“Oh…sorry! I see a bed and I run to it, haha…” They go to stand up but I assure them it's fine, and it's exactly what we were doing in Luke's room in order to watch the film on Solomon’s D.D.D. 

We all sit on my bed, and lie down with Solomon in the middle, phone in front of us. Every now and then, my eyes drift towards Y/N from across us, and I see them intently watching the movie. I’m not too keen on this sort of movie, but it was their suggestion so Solomon and I thought we should try it; don’t get me wrong, it’s not too bad, but i’d rather admire Y/N…I didn’t intend for that to be creepy in any way, but i suppose it does seem like that. 

The film has ended now, and Solomon gets up and stretches. Through a yawn, he says “I’m starting to feel knackered, so I’m gonna go to bed early. Although, I do have a film recommendation for you!”

“But won’t you want to watch it too?” Y/N makes a good point. I sense an ulterior motive to what Solomon is doing…

“Nah. I’m good. I’ve seen it too many times to count. Let me know what you think in the morning. Good night!” And with a casual wave, he’s gone to his room. 

That sly sorcerer. I know what he’s doing. You can already tell by the title of the film: it’s a romance.

However, Y/N seems eager to try, and I'm not tired so I suppose I'll do it for them…

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Part 4: Romance movies set the mood. How I would like to kiss you…

We are mid-way through the film now, watching on my D.D.D now, of course, and the romantic progressions are starting to show. The main character has finally admitted their feelings for him, but he is oblivious to his own. (I’m starting to see why Solomon chose this one specifically…)

Now…she kisses him. I shuffle in my position. I’m starting to feel a bit awkward sitting next to Y/N, and my heart starts to beat faster than it was before. I wonder if they feel the same way. 

Maybe I should just tell them. In fact…I will.

As the kissing scene gets more passionate, I sneak a glance at them…

They are fast asleep. 

I don’t mean to think this in an unsettling way, but they are even beautiful when they sleep…I watch the rise and fall of their breath, only for a moment, despite it feeling like eternity. They look so peaceful. I wonder what they are dreaming of. Of me? Or of a blank canvas. 

I’m disappointed I wasn’t able to tell them how I felt. There’s always tomorrow, I guess.

I turn off my phone and we are submerged in darkness momentarily before my eyes adjust. I carefully get off the bed in order not to disturb them, and I just stand there a moment. Only for a moment, I see what could be. I see my hand in theirs, their heart for mine. 

I cover them with my duvet. 

As much as I wished I could sleep beside them, I know that it would be inappropriate. Despite the fact that they look so cosy and warm, I must fight my desperacy to stay beside them. 

I try to settle on my settee, ready to sleep. 

I eventually drift into a light slumber… 

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Part 5: I’m ready to sleep, knowing i’ll see you in my dreams.

Even in my vacancy of consciousness, my mind still wanders to the thought of them. Their smile, their laugh…

When I close my eyes I think of them, I dream of them. I see them in idle scenarios made of coffee shops and dancing in the rain. They make me feel as though I am in a dream in itself, never wanting to wake up from my lovesick acoma. 

My dreams are of what I could have said or done with them, but they are also made of what could possibly be. Dreams of the future. 

In the darkness of my shut eyelids I see their silhouette in colours; colours of beauty and gold. I find myself tracing the outer lines of their shadows that stayed with me from the day and the remnants of memories that I spent with them. 

Solomon is right…I do hold a special place in my heart for them.

I think I love them.

I love Y/N…

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Part 6: Hazy mornings, hazy dreams.

I wake up - there’s no way to tell whether it's daytime, being in the Devildom and all. 

It’s difficult to see, so I tumble off…oh. Right. I slept on my settee. That explains the sudden back ache I have. After I'd lazily slumped off, rubbing my hazed eyes, I stretched a little, and a yawn escaped me. 

I go to check the time on my D.D.D when I hear a noise…

“Simeon…” 

From under the constraint of my duvet, I can hear their faint lethargic breaths. Y/N seems to still be asleep.

I’ve only just taken in what I had just heard…my name? 

I must be mistaken.

But I heard it again. This time, louder and clearer, as though they knew I was trying to listen. Or maybe because they were calling out for me. 

Does this mean…they are dreaming of me, too? 

Tell me universe, is this a sign? I don’t believe my own heart when it tells me it is. I suppose I can’t trust anything but their own words.

If they are dreaming of me, I wonder what it’s about.

“I…”

Hm…? I listen intently to see if they add anything.

“I really love…”

Love? They love what? 

“Please…”

No no, Y/N…finish…I subconsciously make my way towards my bed, and sit on the end. I look at their face; before admiring their features as I normally do, I notice that their expression is content, in a light smile.

“Come closer…”

For a second, I almost believe that they are talking to me. 

Perhaps I should stop listening…

“Simeon…?”

Oh lord. 

“Why am I in your bed? …oh yeah. Um…thank you…wait…where did you sleep?!”

They leap up suddenly, and it makes me jump a little. I can feel my cheeks heat up at just the thought of what they were implying.

“O-oh! No, I slept on my settee. I promise.” 

I hold out my pinkie to them.

“It’s alright…”

And for a moment, I swear they say under their breath, the words I wanted to hear…“I wouldn’t have minded”, but maybe it was my imagination at work again.

They rise out of my bed and I get up to turn on my bedside lamp.

“Thanks.”

We are both wearing the same clothes as last night. Luke was the only one who had put on pyjamas, the rest of us had just remained in our lounging clothes. 

Y/N gasps, seemingly looking at their reflection on the camera app of their D.D.D (how did they even get it to face them? i’m not good with technology…).

I take a sudden fleeting moment to look at them under the warmth of the light and I notice their horrendous bed hair…not that it makes them look bad, of course, I'd never even dream it possible…but the hair itself has become so tangled it creates an almost abstract appearance that I’d deem it an entire otherworldly being…okay, that was an exaggeration, but their reaction compliments my description well.

I have a sudden thought. Whilst they are checking their D.D.D notifications, I swiftly open my drawer and retrieve my comb. I remove my own stranded hairs from it, discard them and approach Y/N. 

With sudden confidence, I catch their attention by tapping them lightly on the head with the comb. 

“Here, you can borrow this.” I say with a polite smile, and they turn to me and my confidence vanishes in an instance. And there it is, their smile…

“…oh! Thanks, Simeon. True lifesaver, I forgot mine.”

I watch them put their D.D.D down and struggle to get the knots out of their hair.

“Um…Y/N…would you like some…help?”

How I would love to brush their hair. I guess sometimes my thoughts escape my mouth before I even realise it.

After some consideration, they say “…yes.”. I’d imagined the opposite. I’m relieved.

They hand me the brush and sit on my armchair and I think to myself “Good heavens…why is my heart beating so fast? I’ve brushed Luke’s hair before and it was alright. Although I suppose the circumstance is different, seeing as I consider Luke a younger brother. 

And Y/N…well…I’m hoping I’ll someday have the ability to consider them something more than just a friend…and maybe, that day will be today, if I regain the courage I had last night.

As I stroke through their hair with my comb, we remain in a comfortable silence. 

I get the sudden feeling that perhaps now I should tell them. They would be leaving soon, and I most likely wouldn’t be seeing them until the next week…

I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell them-

“Hey…Simeon…”

“Um…yes?”

“Did I…snore last night?”

Oh my god, why did they have to do that to me - I thought my heart would burst out of my chest there and then! 

But now I notice my own disappointment and my heart sinks. 

Through strained nervous laughter I say, “Haha, no, no you didn't…,” Should I bring up the sleep talking? Too late…”,but you did talk in your sleep…”

“Oh gosh! Really!” They turn to me as I finish off the last section of their hair. I ran my fingers through it to make sure I didn’t miss anything…it’s as soft as I’d thought it would be.

I would say that their hair is one of my favourite things about them..but it’s an impossible choice out of millions of other things…Although, if you’d forced me to pick something of them all, my ultimate favourite would be their smile.

Knowing that they are happy makes me happy. Is that selfish? Or perhaps because it also helps them be their utmost self, showing off their other millions of favourable traits. 

“Mhm, yeah…”

“What did I say?! I better not have said anything embarrassing!”

I finish messing around with their hair and go to put my brush in their drawer. 

An angel must strive to be honest, so I tell the truth. However, is it okay to admit that I mainly told the truth because I greedily wanted to know what they would say upon hearing that they dreamt of me? 

“You…said my name” I nervously rub the nape of my neck again and avoid their gaze, although there wasn’t much left to avoid, as they looked at their feet shyly. 

“Wait…really? That’s so embarrassing!”

“If it helps, you didn’t say much other than that.” 

“Still!”

They look at me through the dimly lit room, their eyes sparkling and I just melt.

“…do you remember the dream?”

I add a teasing tone slightly, in order not to reveal too much of my interest.

“…no…”

That was definitely a lie; they averted eye contact again…it’s so adorable. However, I still don’t know for sure whether their dream was of the sort I would want it to be…

I won’t push them. 

“Anyway, Simeon, how did you sleep?”

I notice that they are trying to change the subject. It shouldn't bother me too much, seeing as they must be doing it because they are uncomfortable, but it irritates me slightly that I will never know what the dream was about. 

“That’s very sweet of you, I slept alright, thank you. And you?”

“Um…yes. Very well, thanks. Uhm…I'm sorry I took over your bed last night…”

“No problem. I’m alright with it.” 

Before we finish with the conversation…a smell of smoke arises from the halls, and presumably coming from the kitchen.

As though a part of the same mind, we simultaneously scramble outside to find out what's happening…

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Part 7: Why in Celestia did I let Solomon cook?

“Solomon!”

I shout out, half in shock and the other in momentary anger. 

“Whoops.” 

He slides a cheeky grin as he backs away from the burning pan.

Luke is on the verge of tears and frantically swatting away the smoke with a cookbook. 

“It’s alright Luke. Nobody’s hurt, right?”

I observe Solomon and Luke and they don’t seem to have any burn injuries or much affect from the smoke. 

Y/N makes a very valid statement of “So, I’m guessing the Devildom don’t have fire alarms? Because of it being hell and all? …Perhaps we should ask Lord Diavolo for a special installation…”

“Good idea.” We need a better warning of Solomon cooking, than smoke. This man…he’s a renowned famous sorcerer, who can do almost anything…but he can’t even fry an egg without creating toxic, hazardous fuel!

“Solomon..step further away fromt he frying pan…that’s it…further…”

Y/N seems to be enjoying this.

It’s a hilarious dilema, I have to admit. 

“I was just trying to make breakfast for everyone, but then this happened…”

“How do you manage to do this every time…?” I sigh, knowing that sometimes the impossible is possible with sorcerers. 

“No clue. Honestly.”

Luke generously offers to make us a new breakfast, still slightly shaken. 

After we finish our luckily non-hazardous breakfast, I sense that Y/N might need to leave soon…

I’ve decided won’t let them until I've told them. Told them how I feel.

Easier said than done, most likely, but I'll try my hardest. Starting…now.

“Hey! Y/N, can we talk for a bit?”

Solomon shoots me an all-knowing glare and discreetly gives a thumbs up. Perhaps I was wrong to be suspicious of him. After all, he’s one of my best friends - he’d only want what's best for me. 

“Um…sure!” 

Noticing how forward and sudden my suggestion was, I tense a little, but I'm not going to give up just yet. 

“…can you come with me?”

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I take them to the garden. I find comfort here, amongst all of the non-judgmental flowers. It also creates a romantic setting, if I were in need of such a benefit…which would be befitting for now. 

Amongst the rows of pretty flora, my vision sets on only Y/N under the Devildom’s pale morning moonlight. 

Somehow, it makes them even more beautiful. 

“What did you want to say, Simeon?”

“I… just wanted to let you know that…”

They sit on the floor under a gazebo, conveniently placed in privacy behind a brush of roses, and I join them. 

“I need to tell you this in order to be completely honest with you…I don’t want to mislead myself any longer so I'm relying on an answer, however there is no pressure for one…

I’ve been experiencing feelings that I've never felt before, and I found them in you. I think I’ve fallen for you…”

They’re a little shocked, but under the blue light and the shadows cast by the glare, I see that smile again. The one I’ve made my new joy. 

“I feel the same, Simeon.”

My heart flutters but this time it's brought with it a new emotion…of hope.

I’d dreamed of idle scenarios, where Y/N and I would spend our time in coffee shops, dance in the rain, no mind of what others perceive. To hold them in my arms, intertwine our fingers, pepper them with soft kisses. 

It will take some time…but perhaps my dreams can come true.

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End author’s note: Thank you so much for readinggg! Feel free to send in requests & if you like, lmk if you enjoyed it. Have a great day/night :)

Oh! And a joke before you go…

How do angels greet each other…they say “halo!”

I’ll take my leave… 🏃‍♀️

[merbear25]

Hi! May I please request a fic where Hao Asakura takes interest in a fem!reader(idk maybe she's strong or sthing)? If it's alright with you, I would like reader come on strong, oblivious to his *cough*homicidal tendences. Like she just recently came to Patch Village and is trying to have a good time&flirting with handsome shaman boys :) I hope this isnt too detailed. If it is then anything with Hao would be grand and very much appreciated :)

A Shaman King request in 2025??? I'm so happy 😭 I changed things a little bit from your request but tried to keep the main themes! I hope you like it! 💜💜

CW: SFW, fem!reader, reader is also a shaman and the same age a Hao, some flirting and fluff

Caution to the wind (Hao)

With so many having little to nothing to offer him, fear from the ones he’d kept close led to paranoid thoughts of betrayal: this world left him nothing but crumbs after so much had been taken from him, and yet here you were shaking up his perception of the world. Power shown not just through the physical but also in personality wasn’t what caught his eye. 

What was going on inside that head of yours? Your thoughts were jumbled, overlapping on top of one another and making them incomprehensible. Each movement of yours was delivered with grace, holding an air of danger over the beauty of dispair. 

Surely you were no human. Although your spirit guardian was hard to track, its presence could be felt miles away. Resting his cheek on his hand, he granted himself a moment to enjoy the sight before him. Those who’d wrongfully picked a fight with you were quickly picked off one by one. The precision in each one of your mighty blades was maximized by the strength of your spirit companion. Teamwork—beautifully orchestrated and with it a well-deserved victory.

With the dust settling on top of the defeated, you turned on your heel quickly. Your eyes fixated in his direction, finding your unsolicited onlooker with ease. Even without seeing the color in your eyes, the red flame behind them was carried over the distance.

A subtle smile appeared on his face, his curiosity piquing. He gently closed his eyes and sighed to himself before giving into this gnawing feeling. Carrying himself quickly through the mountainous structures of the ruined village, he planted himself right in front of you.

“Well, you certainly are someone who knows how to handle herself.” His smile was painted on, though you were oblivious to the grim intent that came with it.

“Like what you see, huh?” You flashed a smile right back at him, earning yourself a low chuckle.

“You could say that.” His large brown eyes burrowed deep within you, attempting to sort through your chaotic string of thoughts but to no avail. The subtle narrowing of them went undetected. “I’m assuming you’re in the Shaman tournament, as well.”

“What was your first clue?” You gestured to the band issued to the contestants. The slight bite in your words pulled another chuckle out of him. Girls with such feisty personalities were inevitably his undoing through each one of his life cycles.

“Tell me, where’s your team?” The question trailed out, suspicion that you had made it this far without forming any alliances creeping on him.

“They were disqualified,” you huffed in annoyance, looking back at the heathens who had just tried jumping you.

“Is that so? Well, I think you and I both know that you won’t get far without having at least one ally.” He extended his hand. An offering that was tangled with underlying motives, to which you swept aside. “Why don’t you join me? I’m sure you’d make a great addition to my cause.”

“Your cause?” You leaned in closer to get a better look at his features. A soft smile appeared on your face when you saw his mouth twitching ever so slightly. “Hm… Well, whatever cause you represent, I’m sure it can’t be all that bad considering how cute you are.” Your hand clasped around his, shaking it firmly and confidently.

His eyes widened just a tad at your comment. Amongst the array of thoughts billowing in your mind, not one had alluded to a romantic interest. “I wasn’t aware that the two went hand-in-hand.” 

Your smile remained; a feeling of satisfaction nipped at you as his reaction shifted. “You’d be surprised. There are so many cute faces here and yet none of them bring anything to the table.”

“And what exactly do you think I bring to the table?” He was a bit dumbfounded as to why you were so quick to ally with him. It couldn’t have just been because you found him attractive. That would be absurd.

You shrugged, completely willing to throw caution to the wind. “I’m not sure yet!”

He cocked his head and gazed at you in disbelief. Did you really have no idea who he was or what he was capable of? There was no use trying to sort out the mess raging within that pretty head of yours—none of it translated to real life anyway. A genuine smile spread across his face, while he took in the marvel before him.

“I guess there’s a lot we both have to learn about each other.” His brown eyes stayed on you for a moment before continuing, “But I can say I’m looking forward to it.” 

Taking your hand in his, he was already planning on how best to use your skills to create the utopia he’d been dreaming of for so long. That darling look upon your face remained unsuspecting, but after all, he was just as left in the dark as you. That was a thrill he’d never quite experienced before.

[rantsofamadam]

New Year Thoughts (24-25)

The only accurate way to describe this year, is 366 days of non-stop change. Expected or unexpected, something new was formed, created, or or occurred each day.

Very little breaks or space to breathe, one event after the other, again, and again, and again. This was not a year of rest, 2024.

You were always in the back of my mind. Like a child in December, with Christmas constantly creeping into their thoughts. Holding to hope so tightly in their tiny fists, and letting it all come and go as the holiday passes.

There’s always joy with Christmas, of course. But waking up the next morning comes with a sort of empty disappointment. All that could have been the magic of Christmas, was. The hope has diminished, and next year is now forever away.

All what could have been 2024, was. The hope has diminished- but I don’t feel as empty this year as I have other December 31st’s. Yes next year is forever away but I am not anxious to reach it from where I am.

I needed this year. I needed forceful change, a reason to become the person I’ve wanted to be, and come to the conclusion I am strong and able to persevere on my own.

I have never been without the routine of school, friendships and constant people. Support, reassurance, taking on my self-casted therapist friend role and blending into the background to avoid bothering the rest of this busy world.

What an exercise it was, letting all of that become stripped from me this past year with the nature of time and growth- as well as my own choice.

My hair reached my shoulders as my confidence and willingness expanded as well. 2024 was going to change me no matter what I did- so I might as well control what I can to change with it.

In this current moment where my thoughts are jumbled and self-hate is high, I forget how far I’ve come. I don’t dread the new year anymore, I enjoy grieving what will never be again and reflecting on every new step I made to become who I am now. I have a beating heart, for a start. I did so much more than I ever thought I could.

I stage managed a show, I read an original poem in front of my entire senior class, I turned eighteen, I graduated high school, I won awards in my school art show and literary fest, I broke up with a long-term partner, I discovered my dad had cancer, I published a poetry book, I received two spinal surgeries, I met my current boyfriend and best friend, I grew into my own confidence, style, and creativity- I took action, I tried things, I broke sometimes and got back up again on my own-

I did so many “impossible” tasks this year and more. This is only the beginning.

2024 is not a year of endings, it is a year of beginnings. A year of change, transitions, milestones to begin a new era of life.

There is a bitter sweetness to it. As I reflect on my kindergarten school ID with the words “class of 2024” before I could read or had any concept of how years worked. “2024 is forever away,” almost as if it wasn’t tangible or real for my childhood self, nowhere I could see myself being. 2024 felt like a fantasy, a dystopian dream, something to worry about in the future, light years down the line from kindergarten.

Here I am. A legal adult, alive and breathing, years away from kindergarten with the ability to read and draw better than 5 year old me could ever comprehend. She would like me, she would think I am so cool, and proud of me for drawing, writing and loving what I love just like she always wanted for me.

2024 never felt real for her, it barely feels real for me now, yet here it is, coming to an end. A lost kindergarten ID, a graduation cap behind me, fulfilling my childhood dream of growing in confidence which happens to be mine now as well.

I have a tendency to self depreciate, but I think I will choose this moment to thank myself, for all I’ve tried and accomplished. There are times when credit is due, and I’m claiming this to be one of those times.

I’ve grown so much, I’ve changed, I’ve succeeded, yet this is far from the end.

If you are reading this, you’ve grown so much, you’ve changed, you’ve succeeded and this is far, far from your ending. Thank you so much for being here. For staying. For surviving this eventful year of change and letting your heart remain beating long enough to see the beginning of what this next year could be.

I had hopes, expectations, ideals for 2024. Some came true, some did not, some I forgot about. 2025 is a blank slate. All I know for certain is I am going to stay here through it, embrace every event and step out of my comfort zone just a little more. So maybe I can look back one year from now and thank myself again. If not for growing, then simply surviving. Being. Staying.

Thank you 2024, for all I hoped you would be, all you were and all you weren’t.

And thank you, each one of you, for surviving, being, staying through it all. <3 I’m so proud of you, and I hope we remain in touch through whatever 2025 may bring for each of us.

- C.Joy. (2024)