#// how much distortion related trauma she has? yes. does she need to talk about the blue reverb-

[dinomites]

You know!! She is going to start taking the Mersault route of stopping distortions! Knocking the lights out of them!

Do you not understand how many problems could have been solved if Roland punted Philp so hard that he was knocked out- and maybe if the piano guy just... got hit with a glass bottle?

[nocturnaljunipers]

Okay- okay so I had this idea for a season 3 Ben (our Ben anywho) cameo where five dies temporarily and they have a nice chat. And yeah yeah Ben’s death was probably final and therefore the last we ever see of him BUT I’m sad.

Five opens his eyes to find himself sitting in a field of flowers, he seems confused but unalarmed. More curious than anything else.

He begins to fiddle with one of the flowers in the field, rubbing a petal between two of his fingers. (Probably something vaguely symbolic, perhaps a daffodil or a forget me not)

Bicycle girl pulls up one her bike, seemingly out of nowhere as usual.

Something is different about her visually (maybe she’s wearing a different style of clothing, maybe her hair is different, etc etc. it should be something noticeable)

“Another Hargreeves? Can any of you stay alive for the amount of time you’re supposed to? Please?”

She sounds annoyed though her expression is muted, five says nothing in response. Just stares.

She sighs and nods her head over in a direction. “You’ll find him over there, you’re lucky you’re important.”

Out of nowhere, a homey, but strange looking bookshop has appeared. Five gets up slowly and wanders over to it.

He begins to scroll through the books, scattered amongst the mainly fantasy titles are fun little metaphors and allusions to things relating to the plot.

Five is dragging his finger of the spine of a book titled ‘The Horrors of the realms beyond.’ When the bell rings

And in waltzes Ben, but not the Ben we know(30 ish), or the Ben five (13) knows but Ben as he actually was, without Klaus’ perspective.

A 17 year old.

He walks in laughing and smiling about something with someone but when he sees five he goes silent. They stare for a moment and Five whispers his brother’s name

Ben yells “Five!” And runs over, wrapping his arms around him and giving Five his first hug in 45 years. (I’m soft y’all)

He does the thing where he pulls back from the hug but is still holding onto the other person’s upper arm. In total happiness he says. “You’re actually here! Oh my goodness I can’t believe it! I have so much to tell y- oh no. You’re actually here..”

Five is confused now.

Ben, who now appears worried, Explains that he is dead.

Five- for a split second (a if you blink you miss it type of deal) seems grief stricken, this expression quickly becomes solemn but resolved.

“If you don’t mind me asking.

what happened?”

We get a quick flashback to a fight scene and how it ends. (If we wanted to go down a fighting route I’d say blunt force trauma but if we wanted to be really angsty he could’ve just finished a huge massacre and his heart stops because of the exertion, he’s on his I’m a gazelle spiel then something just breaks. His eyes rolls back into his head as the music slows and becomes distorted he falls and the camera falls with him)

“Guess I pushed myself a little too hard Didn’t I?”

“Oh that’s not good, we’ve gotta get you back.” “What?” (Yes I Hc that Ben gets some cool afterlife status that includes escorting people to their eternal rest, what about it)

“Well, in a little bit. Can I talk to you for a second?”

They take a minute to catch up and bond and the scenery changes and they walk through a donut shop and sit in a booth.

we get the quality 56 brother time we’ve been waiting for.

After a few minutes Ben checks on the gang.

“Awh man, it’s been a few days in earth time. We need to get you back old man.”

Five seemed a bit stunned at first but Ben and Five share another hug and five mouths what looks like the words “But I don’t want to go.” As a lil treat for the meta writers and for everyone to sob over

Ben waves bye while the world flashes to white as five has a bewildered expression.

He wakes up in an infirmary, and it was a bit of a Dorothy in oz situation where we don’t know if it actually happens.

The first thing he says to Klaus the next time he sees him is. “I can see why you don’t like god.”

[mbtiofwhys]

Futaba Sakura

INFP

Functional Order: Fi - Ne - Si - Te

Spoiler warning This article will cover Futaba’s analysis with references to both Persona 5 and Royal main plot and events from her confidant.

Premise We know that Futaba is considered INTP by the vast majority of the fandom, so in this article we’ll proceed a bit differently. First of all, we’ll discuss why in our opinion Futaba isn’t INTP and how to differentiate between cognitive patterns, behaviors, hobbies and traumas. We’ll also address the problem of consistent writing in a fictional work. The second part of the article will move past why we don’t think she’s INTP and instead will cover why we think the best suit for her is INFP. We’ll make sure to be meticulous in our work and we’ll provide source material if anyone wants to check type theory more in depth, so please stick with us until the end. Obviously, if someone wants to discuss this with us and has solid proofs towards INTP, we’ll gladly listen!

Futaba isn’t INTP

We browsed a broad number of discussions about Futaba on the net, because at first we thought that if INTP is what everyone agrees on, maybe there were reasons we weren’t seeing. But in reality, we couldn’t have been able to find a solid analysis of her character that arguments its point with functions and cognition - apparently, she tends to be considered INTP only based on the stereotype she conveys in the game: the quirky, nerdy hacker waifu who loves pc stuff and is socially inept. So, our first approach was: ok, regardless of the stereotypes, she might really be INTP. But what does INTP mean? INTP implies: dom Ti, aux Ne, tertiary Si and inferior Fe. The Ne/Si axis can be spotted pretty easily in the game, but we’ll address this more in-depth later. The problem has been the Ti/Fe axis. Dominant Ti means a person approaches reality through logical lens: they problem-solve, they analyse, they dissect everything reality provides them until they find a structure that makes sense for them. On the opposite side, there’s inferior Fe: the unconscious need for harmony, for being liked by others, the lowkey want of being of any help without precisely realising how. Looking at Futaba, in our opinion, there aren’t much signs of a Ti/Fe axis, neither in her normal state nor in stressful situation. Futaba can be snarky, she’s quick witted and a bit weird, but she isn’t strictly logical - and besides, it’s not that a love for hacking and witty comebacks are personality traits exclusive to high-Ti users. And speaking about her awkwardness, we think that there’s a key point that is often overlooked: in Futaba’s case, social ineptitude isn’t due to inferior Fe, it is due to a trauma. Futaba lost her mother in an accident, and that event affected her so much that she became a shut-in for a year - that’s not something one easily recovers from. We know from her confidant that she didn’t have any friends beside Kana when she was in school, but to be fair, this isn’t a vital thing to know when typing someone if we don’t know the details. All we’re told is that she was bullied/ignored for being quirky and surprisingly smart for a girl her age, but again, this isn’t a thing exclusive of dominant Ti. From a person who didn’t leave her room for such a long time, it’s to be expected that her social skills would be far below average, especially since she’s so young. What is interesting to look at, though, is how she dealt with her trauma, what has blocked her for so long and what moved her forward once she started recovering.

Futaba probably is INFP

We can’t say this with a 100% certainty because in her case, past the Pyramid arc, the writer(s) didn’t do a very great and comprehensive job of showing other sides of her personality that fall outside the “quirky, nerdy hacker waifu” stereotype, even in her confidant. Nonetheless, there are more than a few elements we deemed worth looking into more. First of all, there’s the time she spent as a shut-in. From what the game showed through scenes inside and outside her Palace, it’s safe to assume that Futaba suffers a severe Si-loop, with all the incapability of moving past a certain event that prevents one from looking out for other possibilities (healthy Ne) and instead brings one to close off the outside world. More specifically, we believe it’s a FiSi loop, more than a TiSi one: the difference lays in how the person revives said past events - do they over-analyse them? Or do they wallow in their own emotions? The problem Futaba had with the whole situation (and this is repeatedly pointed out by her shadow) it’s exactly that she developed a distorted vision of what happened, due to the fake suicide note and her own guilt, and she couldn’t think straight about the whole situation. But more than that, she didn’t even try to think about things logically - she went full on self-blame, seeing herself as the murderer who killed her mom with her tantrums and childish attitude. This is a delicate topic, because all her reactions are probably tied to survivor’s guilt as well, but the point is that she didn’t even try to rationalize her supposed fault, either. She simply lived with her feelings, judging herself as a horrible person who did something extremely wrong and, thus, has to die because this is what she deserves. So, yes, given how brooding and being very hard on oneself are two patterns that characterize high Fi, especially when hurt, we believe that a FiSi loop is what led Futaba to become a shut-in. Another very interesting thing to look at is what happened when an unexpected solution came up: the Phantom Thieves. Futaba finally reached for help, but she did so in a way that can easily remind of an inferior Te grip: she became controlling and contacted the group to blackmail them into helping her as a desperate measure to get out of the situation. But she acted hastily, with only the hint of a weak plan that in fact crumbled the moment a first obstacle came up - in order to proceed with the change of heart, she would have to show her face and expose her identity, a thing she absolutely didn’t account for, and thus she dismissed everyone and called it quits. The heavy imbalance in the dom/inferior axis gets progressively fixed over time: firstly, she reconnects with the outer world (aux Ne) and learns to appreciate again all the stimuli she can get from it. Secondly, she relearns how to behave with other people and how to live in the normal world (we’ll get to this later). And, lastly, she focuses on a goal again: finding the truth about what happened to her mother. As she admits herself, this is “a super personal reason to join the Phantom Thieves”, because it’s not tied to justice or changing society: she wants the truth and she wants the revenge, and joining the group it’s the first, most effective way to obtain what she’s after. This is how a balanced Fi/Te axis works: a personal goal to reach that is tied to one’s true self and feelings, towards which the person takes concrete steps in a (more or less) structured way. Furthermore, regarding her hacker’s skills: the love for computer and coding isn’t a trait bound to high Ti. The fact that many Ti users like it doesn’t mean that if someone like it, it must be a Ti user themselves. And looking at Futaba, she specifically founded Medjed as a way to bring justice (her justice) to the world, but discarded the name as soon as other people associated with it and started to use it for personal gain. She no longer recognized Medjed as something lined with her moral, and thus distanced herself from it and became Alibaba instead. This way of thinking is something more aligned with Fi than Ti.

Social ineptitude doesn’t mean inferior Fe

“Recall that Fe is about creating a positive social support system that opens one up to receiving love and expressing generosity. [...]Immature Ti doms often suffer from: stunted emotional development, lack of empathy or inability to understand people, antagonistic/antisocial behavior, misanthropy or cynicism, selfish or stingy mindset, very shallow or unhealthy relationships.” (via mbtinotes here on Tumblr) While we can see why all of this can be easily linked to Futaba, as we’ve stated above the fact that she doesn’t know how to deal with people comes from the time she spent as a shut-in after a traumatic experience, and it’s not tied to inferior Fe. Let’s focus on this topic: inferior Fe and how it may resemble social ineptitude and social anxiety. Futaba lived as a hikikomori for months, a self-imposed isolation where she only (and barely) interacted with Sojiro. There’s also another crucial factor to bare in mind: Futaba is still very young. As a teenager, she hasn’t developed a solid sense of self not because she has inferior Fe rather than dominant Fi, but simply because she still has to live her life, making mistakes and going through significant experiences to mold her identity. Saying that Futaba may resemble a Ti dom in her social interactions is true, what makes a difference, though, are the reasons behind those behaviors: Futaba finds difficult being in big crowds or talking to strangers not because she has an immature inferior Fe, but as a result of her past traumas and the absence of human interaction in her life for a year. As we remind often in our articles, we have two dogmas: to look at cognition rather than at behaviors, and to always remember how traumas aren’t related to one’s MBTI type. So, those behaviors are tied to her social anxiety and social ineptitude not because she has inferior Fe, but rather due to her traumas and a lack of social skills caused by her hikikomori life-style. We then need to look at how Futaba ‘normally’ behaves when she’s not stressed. She doesn’t speak unless the conversation interests her, she doesn’t like useless pleasantries, she often comes up with witty retorts or comments but never in an inappropriate way. We should have, let’s say, three main factors in her interactions if she really had inferior Fe: the awkwardness tied to the will to try that is met by a constant failure, the incapability of reading the mood despite the will of ‘being appropriate’ and the lowkey strive for being accepted.

In order:

Futaba doesn’t want to try, especially at first. She only tries when she’s invested. Her first, most genuine reaction when the group ask her questions or try to involve her in their conversation is to sit on protagonist’s bed facing a wall. Because, even if she’s grateful to these people, she doesn’t properly care for them - so, they’re not worth the effort of breaking old habits. When the effort is worth? When they start talking about something that she finds interesting, and when she grows a sort of affection towards them. So, when everything starts to feel personal;

Futaba isn’t interested in ‘being appropriate’. She hardly cares less, in fact. And all her snarky comments remark how she can be quite capable of placing them without resulting awkward or ruining the mood;

Futaba doesn’t want to fit in. We understand how it can be easy to think that she strives for acceptance, but in the end, this is simply not true. Futaba “marches to the beat of her own drum” and only because she feels safer with the group or empowered by their presence, this doesn’t mean she looks for acceptance in the way Fe does. On contrary, her whole ‘recovery week’ after Medjed’s defeat revolves around the search for balance: Futaba has to learn how to live in a functioning way, but at the same time the Thieves themselves must adjust to her personality. She has to grow, but she doesn’t have to change, and certainly she doesn’t want to smooth certain aspects of her personality only to please people.

In conclusion, her initial behaviors (wearing a mask in public, hiding behind protagonist, panicking in crowds) are all tied to a form of social phobia/anxiety rather than inferior Fe. 

The proofs of dominant Fi

If you want to say that there aren’t super strong evidences of dominant Fi in Futaba either in the story or her confidant, you have all the right to say so. Because it’s true. And, in our opinion, this is a case very similar to Ann’s extremely absent aux-Si: a problem that stems from writing and developing the character itself. We plan to talk more about P5 and writing in the future, but for now we’ll quickly address Futaba’s problem: as other members of the cast (especially female ones) she’s not given much opportunity to shine outside her stereotype. Her psyche and trauma are well addressed in her arc, and this is why we could gain sufficient elements to exclude TiSi loop and point towards FiSi loop. But the problem is that a character (and a person) isn’t only their traumas, and a personality cannot show only in circumstances of heavy stress. Unluckily, outside of her story arc, Futaba tends to stay in the domain of witty comebacks and nerd quotes/jokes - not that she ever gets OOC, but she doesn’t show a rounded and complete personality, either. One of the only things that stays constant throughout the story is her profound desire for truth and revenge for her mother: she joins the Phantom Thieves for that reason, she pushes through the Velvet Room confinement thanks to that, and she even mentions wanting to study cognitive psience in her future at the end of Royal. And all this is deeply tied to a personal aspect of herself and her life, namely the bond she had with her mother - this is why we think Fi dom suits her more than Ti dom, alongside with her not having inferior Fe. One could say it’s not much, but in cases like these, process of elimination also comes in hand: if she’s not INTP (which, in our opinion, she absolutely isn’t, despite having lot of stereotypical INTP traits), but still has aux Ne and tertiary Si and is an introvert (because all these three points are evident) the only other choice is INFP.

If you made it this far, thank you. We know ours is an unpopular opinion, but we hope we explained our reasons. If you still think she’s INTP and disagree with us, please let us know why, as we ourselves would like to know deeper reasons why people type her that way - and no, the fact that she’s nerd and is a hacker doesn’t count.

If you’re interested, these are the resources we’ve referred to in our analysis:

An entry from Funkymbti on loops: https://funkymbtifiction.tumblr.com/post/142527516660/can-you-describe-what-each-loop-looksacts-like

The part of Mbtinotes’ cognitive guide referring to inferior Te and Fe: https://mbti-notes.tumblr.com/theory#inftefe

Mbtinotes entries regarding spotting Fe vs Fi and Te vs Ti: https://mbti-notes.tumblr.com/post/137908467362/type-spotting-fe-v-fi https://mbti-notes.tumblr.com/post/142863816372/type-spotting-te-v-ti

[ladyseaheart1668]

Endless Summer Book 4 : Daughter of Vaanu (Chapter 49)

Description: Tahira continues to fight her way out of her own head. 

Tagging: @endlesshero1122 @mysteli @feartheendlesssummer @whatmcsaid @xo-endlessmayhem-xo @tigerbryn11

Chapter 49 : A Breath of Water

Grayson

I hold Tahira's hand while the nurse slips the IV needle into her vein, even though she probably can't even feel the prick. She doesn't move at all. Not even a twitch.

The first scan they did of her brain revealed that the blood flow was normal. But there was no explanation as to why she hasn't woken up yet. I don't know whether that surprises me or not. If it really was something on the knife, some kind of poison, is that ever going to show up on a brain scan? Either way, they've decided to do another scan. One that's supposed to measure her brain activity. PET scan, I think. They say they can use it to accurately predict which coma patients are likely to wake up.

I squeeze Tahira's hand, kissing her fingers. She looks so perfect, lying in her hospital bed with her dark hair spread over the pillow, smooth and silky thanks to her mother's careful brushing thirty minutes ago. Except for the tubes and hoses, she looks like she's sleeping.

“My sleeping beauty,” I murmur, stroking her hair. “...I wish you would wake up...”

The nurse puts a hand on my shoulder. “Come on. We gotta leave her alone for awhile so the tracer can go through her system. It's better if she doesn't have any stimulation while that's happening.”

“...You think me being here actually stimulates anything?”

“In the best case scenario, it absolutely does. And since that's what we're hoping for, that's the assumption I'm acting on.”

Tahira

I'm not tired as I climb the path up the mountain, and that still startles me every time I realize it. ...Can I even be startled in this space? I reach what appears to be the top of the mountain, and I am standing on a small circle of rock barely large enough for both my feet that pokes up like an island through an ocean of soft, white clouds. The clouds look soft and fluffy, like piles of cotton balls. I want to dive into them and feel their softness against my skin—even though I know from personal experience that I'll probably just get wet. And possibly fall to my death, since I can't fly in this space. But...maybe I can't die in this space, either. And, I'm here now, standing on a tiny space on top of a mountain. What exactly am I supposed to do now?

Before I can really stop myself, I have taken the step off the edge. I plunge through fluffy, cottony sea foam into a warm ocean. I breathe saltwater and it feels as easy as breathing air. I hear a voice call my name. A sexless voice that comes through the waves and sounds like music. I swim toward it, gliding as easily as I fly through the air in the real world. Something that looks like the sun glimmers overhead, making the water around me shine. Ahead, something waits for me in the water. The rippling waves distort its shape, but the color of it is overwhelmingly red.

I think in the back of my mind, I know what's there even before I get close enough to actually see. Sure enough, as I approach, the thing takes on a human shape. Two legs, two arms, and a head—all concealed within a red spacesuit. ...I've never met the Endless before. But I know who she is.

“...Endless. Are you here to show me how I can wake up and help Alodia? Help...a version of you?”

“I am here to help. But I warn you that I cannot help the way you want me to. I am forever bound by the laws that govern the physical flow of time. If I break them, I will do more harm than good.”

“I'm in no position to turn down help.”

“Then follow me.”

Rochelle

“What exactly are you trying to tell me, doctor?”

They've called in a neurologist to assess Tahira. She's had at least two scans to determine why she isn't waking up. So far, though, the man seems to have taken a lot of words to say not very much at all.

“What I am trying to tell you, Ms. Rogers, is that there is no reason to despair. Your daughter's brain is active. Very active. In all the right ways. Coma patients with similar levels of brain activity recover consciousness within a year more than eighty percent of the time.”

I fold my arms. “...Are you saying that my daughter is in a coma?”

The doctor hesitates. “She does exhibit many symptoms consistent with a coma diagnosis. However, there are no obvious organic causes. And...” He leans over Tahira and lifts her eyelid slowly to shine his light pen at her pupil. “Her light reflexes are normal. When I lift her eyelid, she resists. And when I release it, her eye closes completely and quickly.”

“So...what does that mean?”

“My assessment is that it is most likely a psychogenic coma. That is, a temporary period of disassociation, possibly caused by psychological trauma related to the attack.”

“...'Temporary'...”

“Yes. Most of the time patients wake up fairly promptly after general anesthesia is stopped. Often when they fail to wake up, it's due to residual effects from the drugs. Sometimes, it's neurological or metabolic. And sometimes, it's psychological. Tahira is neurologically intact, and her bloodwork is all clear.”

“So...what do we do?”

“We wait. Keep assessing her regularly, wait for a change. Right now, there is little else we can do.”    

Jake

“Lundgren wasn't where we left him. The prevailing theory is that one of his goons found him and got it out, but there's not much of a trail if that's the case. It's...not looking like Alodia and Diego are on the island, either. They've got the coast guard circling, though, in case anything tries to land there. The Vaanti are still lying low for the most part, but Seraxa has a few warriors combing the jungle. I don't know if they can hide themselves like they used to when Vaanu's crystals were still part of the island, but Seraxa seems to think it's an acceptable risk.”

I can't look at Sean as he talks. I stare out the window of my hospital room. The view overlooks the hospital grounds, with the Santo Domingo skyline on the horizon. He seems to be waiting for an answer, but when I don't give him one after a moment or two, he goes on.

“Zahra and Iris have been analyzing the recording from that AI. Iris was able to confirm that the voice print was Alodia's. But most of it was spliced together from recorded voice samples. Like...the time lady that you used to be able to call.”

“'Most of it'...”

“...Huh?”

I keep my eyes on a not-particularly-interesting office building in the distance. “You said 'most of it' was spliced. ...I have a guess where it wasn't.”

Sean hesitates just long enough to confirm that I'm right even before he says, “...Yeah.”

“So where did that part come from?”

“Zahra says she doesn't know that yet. The parts where...Galatea...broke character...those were whole samples, not splices. Iris can figure out that much. But where and when they were recorded? That's gonna take longer to figure out.”

Now I turn to look at him. “What kinda time do you think we have, Sean? She could give birth any day. If Rourke gets his hands on our kid...”

“I know, buddy. I know.”

“...I wanna be there. I wanna be there when my daughter is born.”

He doesn't say anything. What the hell can he say to that? Everyone I know is gonna do everything in their power to get my wife back to me ASAP. Doesn't mean I can rest easy. Not until she's back in my arms.

“...Do you know when you're getting out of here?”

“A day or two. They want to keep me for observation awhile. ...Then I guess I oughta go back to California. ...Or stay here and look after Mike. Don't wanna leave him alone here. ...Don't suppose you two are continuing the honeymoon where you left off.”

“With Alodia and Diego still missing? Of course not. Michelle wants to go back to work early.”

I snort, a rueful, mirthless laugh. “Tell her it's outta the question. She just went through a kidnapping for fuck's sake.”

“You're suggesting I try to tell Michelle what to do?”

“Okay, yeah. I see how that's a bad idea.”

“...She needs to feel useful. And...truthfully right now, it may be that the best way she can help us get Alodia and Diego back is by being at work.”

I feel the frown settle onto my mouth and forehead as I stare at him. “...You don't just say a thing like that without having something to back it up.”

“Tahira was attacked. About the same time as all of us were abducted. She had emergency surgery, but she hasn't woken up yet. ...Before she went under, she managed to get across that the one who attacked her was a Vaanti.”

Caleb

It's probably stupid as hell for me to keep coming back to the compound where Tahira and I were once prisoners. The cops are probably still looking for me, and the compound being the site of a stabbing, they probably aren't far off. Though, truth be told, I'm not sure if they've actually managed to figure out where she was actually stabbed.

Thing is, I find myself wanting answers. I want to know who decided to stick a maybe-poisoned knife in Tahira. I got a nagging feeling whoever it was knows her identity. In the dark, with a flame dancing on my fingertips to light my way, I follow the spotty trail of dried blood from inside the compound to the alley where the initial splatter seems to be and stare at the stain on the filthy concrete.

Avanti...who the hell is Avanti? Sounds like some pop diva wannabe. I'd say a pop diva wasn't capable of leaving this kind of mess in an alley, but I'm old enough to remember Haley Rose.

“You're not going to be able to hide forever.” The taunting purr is unmistakably Gigi. I grit my teeth, but I don't turn to face her right away. “You have to realize that sooner or later, the cops are going to find you.”

Don't ask me why this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. But whatever the reason, I can't take it anymore. I whip around and lunge at Gigi, grabbing her by the throat and shoving her against the wall, a fireball in my free hand poised threateningly over her. The dancing orange light reflects genuine fear in her eyes as she grasps my wrist in both hands. At the moment, I'm too pissed to enjoy it.

“I've had e-fucking-nough of your bullshit, Gi,” I snarl. “You can threaten me with your child army or the cops all you fucking want, because right now, all your underworld power and influence, all your loyal followers all mean jackshit compared to my hand on your throat and this fireball over your head, so start fucking talking, bitch!”

Her eyes flick from my face to the flames licking my hand and back again. I feel her squirm, but I've got her pushed high enough that her toes barely touch the concrete.

“What—should I talk—about?” she finally gasps. I pull back just enough to give her a little more air.

“What do you know about what happened here?!”

She smirks, even as I feel her hands trembling on my wrist. “I know Dragonness can bleed.”

So she does know Tahira's identity. I tighten my grip again, bringing the flames a little closer to her skin. They lick upward enough that I am not worried about causing any damage I don't intend, but I see the sweat blooming on her forehead. I press my face in closer.

“...Who's Avanti?”

Her eyes widen. “...What?”

“Avanti. Is she one of yours? Someone new?”

“...Where...did you...hear that?”

“Tahira said it was Avanti who stabbed her! Who is that?!”

“...So. …The plot...thickens...”

I shake her, hard enough that she lets out a strangled yelp. “I told you to talk, bitch!”

“Avanti isn't a name!” she shrieks breathlessly, struggling against my grip. “It's...not...coincidence!”

“What's not?!”

“Any of it! Same day Dragonness is attacked, Alodia Chandler is abducted, and Silas Prescott escapes!”

“Yeah, that doesn't seem like coincidence. So what do you know about it?”

“Barely more than you, I would wager,” she croaks against another increase in pressure from my hand. “...But I know that Avanti is not a name. It's a thing. A creature. From La Huerta.”

“...What kind of creature?”

I feel a hand come down on my shoulder, gently but firmly. I spare a glance, and the hand on my shoulder shines golden brown in the light from my flame.

“That's enough, Caleb,” Talos murmurs. “Let her go.”

“Fuck that! Not until she tells me what she knows!”

“There's nothing she could tell you right now that I couldn't also tell you.”

I sneer, tightening my grip. “What about her plot to steal the Prism Crystal?”

“It clearly hasn't been set in motion yet, since the Prism Crystal is secure. And trying to get the plan out of her is likely going to prove an exercise in futility. There are more important things to worry about at the moment.”

I want to argue, how the fuck is the Prism Crystal not important? ...But it's not. Not when compared to finding Tahira's attacker. I slowly release Gigi and let the flame on my hand go out. Gigi staggers back from me, coughing and rubbing her throat. I can see I've left marks. She's not gonna forgive me for that. But right at this moment, she's looking at me with genuine fear and I can finally feel a twinge of satisfaction for it. Of course, she does her best to disguise it as quick as she can.

“Looks like I've got my own knight in shining armor,” she sneers, her voice hoarse. “Too bad he appears to be running with a traitor.”

“You should be the one running, Gi,” I snarl. “Before I change my mind about letting you go.” As I summon flames to my palms for emphasis, her eyes widen. She closes her mouth and slinks into the shadows without another word. I let the flames die and lower my hands, turning to glare at Talos. He sighs.

“Don't give me that look. Interrogating her would have cost us time we don't have.”

“You can't know that she isn't involved!” I growl.

“Of course she's involved. Even if it's indirectly. She was on La Huerta at the same time as Alodia. But look me in the eye and tell me that you think she would give up any information in a timely manner?”

“I could have burned it out of her,” I mutter.

“Torture is unreliable,” he replies simply. “...The Prism Crystal is secure. You can take my word on that.”

“Why should I?” I'm just being stubborn at this point. I don't know why the hell Talos would lie about that.

“...Because if it's lost, I lose my source of liquid prism. And liquid prism is what's going to save me if you ever decide to stick a flaming sword through my gut again.”

“...Fine. Fair point. ...So what now, huh? How do we find this Avanti thing?”

“First of all, it's not Avanti. It's a...Vaanti. Two words. ...Let's go somewhere private, Caleb. I think it's time to explain.”

Jake

Rebecca and my folks show up in the small hours of the morning. They have Varyyn with them, his hologram disguise in place. They try to sneak into my hospital room to avoid disturbing me, but it's not like I can sleep anyway. Varyyn hangs back while my parents tearfully embrace me, but I watch him through the space between their heads, and I can see his tepid expression.

“Hey, Varyyn,” I murmur after my parents and sister have given me a moment to breathe. “...How are you holding up?”

Varyyn twitches slightly, and I see a guilty flush creep into his cheeks. “...I am glad to see you are safe, Jake...” He trails off, looking away.

“...But I ain't your spouse, am I.” I offer him a sympathetic smile. “...I ain't mine, either.”

His mouth twists miserably, his eyes shimmering. “...They are together,” he whispers. “They must be together.”

“God, I fucking hope so...” I look desperately at my sister. “Tell me the cops got something, Bex. Anything...”

“There is something. ...One of Alodia's students came forward. Said she had been waiting to be picked up after class and Alodia was waiting with her to go to lunch with a friend. ...She gave a description of the woman Alodia left with. Said Alodia called her 'Jeanine,' and that she didn't seem happy to see her.”

I try not to show disappointment. Three people in this room were already aware of this information, but as far as my folks know, this should be a new development. I hope I can blame my lukewarm reaction on the concussion. The odds are probably better if I can manage to say something to convince them I didn't know the kidnapper's identity already.

“...The only Jeanine I can think of that we know is someone I used to serve with. She was there on La Huerta, and she was definitely hostile to Alodia, but...” What did we all agree happened to her? What did Mike and I say at Lundgren's trial all those years ago. “...We thought she was dead.”

“Varyyn told them that the name was familiar,” Rebecca says, giving me a meaningful look behind our parents' backs. “That you had mentioned her as someone from your Navy days you had fallen out with. But since he wasn't there on La Huerta, he doesn't know the whole story.”

Oh, is that the story we're going with? Seems fucking weird to think of Varyyn being from anywhere but La Huerta, but I guess now that he has a fake ID and he can mingle in the real world, he's got to have another backstory.  

“...There is one other thing,” Rebecca continues. “Whoever took Diego and Alodia, they were prepared. For the most part, they managed to stay off the security cameras both at the college and the dance school. ...But not entirely.”

That does make me snap to attention. Well, as much as I can in a hospital bed. “So there's footage?”

“There's footage of what the police believe is the ambulance they drove. Enough frames between the two sets of security footage to get a license plate. The vehicle hasn't been found yet, but...”

“...But it's something.”

It's enough to keep hope alive, even if it feels like fear is suffocating it. Fear can't really smother hope, though. As long as I am afraid, I still have hope. It's when fear starts to turn to despair that I'll have really lost hope. When I start grieving Alodia and Diego instead of being afraid that I will have to grieve them in the future.

“...When you're discharged,” my mother speaks up, covering my hand with hers, “would you like us to take you back to California? Or would you rather come stay with us until there's more information?”

I shake my head. “...The moment there's a real credible lead, I'll be wherever my wife most needs me to be. ...But for now, I can't leave Mike. Not until I know he's okay.”

“It's up to you, of course. We can get a hotel room for awhile. But they did tell us that his family has been informed.”

I hum noncommittally. Of course I trust Mike's family to look after him when they get here. But I still don't want to leave without word of Alodia. ...How can I think about going anywhere until I know where she is? Without her, I'm adrift. I'm spinning my wheels in a blizzard, and I can't even see the road ahead, even if I could get myself unstuck.

Tahira

“So...are you actually the Endless? Or are you just a manifestation of...some aspect of me that's taken on the form of the Endless?”

The red-clad old woman does not look back at me as we slog together through what has become a mucky swamp, thick with vines, water plants, and algae.

“A little bit of both. Vaanu is communicating with you mentally. I am an alternate version of Alodia, who is essentially a manifestation of some aspect of Vaanu. Unlike the Alodia you know, however, I never lived as a human in this world. I am the Alodia who was born of Vaanu's energy and my Catalysts' needs. But I never gave myself back to Vaanu, so I never merged the timelines, and thus I was never reborn on earth as the child of human parents. I am the Alodia who never lived in California. Who never attended Hartfeld. ...I am the Alodia who rejected Vaanu, and yet I am now the Alodia who is joined with him.”

“...That was...a long-winded answer. But surprisingly straightforward. That's not to say that I totally understand, but I was expecting you to be more...cryptic.”

“Unfortunately, this straightforwardness cannot last. ...I do not know where Alodia is, and neither does Vaanu. All we have is scattered knowledge to impart to you that may or may not help you find her. In fact, my main purpose here is to help you purge the poison from your body.”

“What kind of poison is it?”

“An ancient kind. Something toxic to those from the Crystal Dimension.” She pauses, turning toward me. “Have you ever been baptized, Tahira?”

“Baptized? No. My mom was never religious, and I never got into it either. ...I did see a friend of mine get baptized once...”

We were teenagers, I remember, and she invited most of the girls in our class, and I went mostly because it meant something to someone I considered a friend. Her church had a baptismal pool, and she and the other baptismal candidates waded in one by one to speak their vows, dressed in loose white robes. Then their pastor covered their face with a towel, took them in his arms, and rocked them back into the water while speaking the ritual words before drawing them up again. The ceremony meant nothing to me, but it was interesting to watch. Before I can ask the Endless why she wanted to know, I get my answer when she takes me in her arms and gets my legs out from under me to immerse me in the water around us. But I don't have the benefit of a cloth over my face, and the Endless doesn't seem to be drawing me up again. I try to find my footing, to get my head above the water, but she isn't letting me. Or something else isn't letting me. Either way, I start to panic. But then I remember my experience earlier, and I slowly still. Cautiously, I take a breath. Water flows smoothly into my lungs, and out again, easy as air.

“Good,” the Endless says soothingly. “Just breathe. Relax. Listen. Watch.”

I try to do as I'm told. In one of my middle school art classes, we made an optical illusion toy out of a circle of cardboard and two pieces of string. On one side of the cardboard was a picture of a bird, and on the other was a birdcage. The strings attached to opposite edges of the cardboard circle, and when you wound up the string and spun the toy, the images flipped so quickly that the bird seemed to appear inside the cage. Watching the images flashing in front of me on the surface of the water feels like watching that little bird hop into the cage. Or maybe like thumbing clumsily through a flip book where some of the pages are out of order.

I see the Endless with her helmet down, flames dancing above the skeletal claw that is her bionic right hand. I see Caleb superimposed over her, and they both close their right fists to extinguish the flames. I see Minuet holding out her hand to extend a slow-motion field over an unseen opponent. Then she morphs into Alodia, wearing a haunted expression as she holds out her hand and the wind that was stirring her yellow hair stills. I see a massive tree that I think must be Elyys'tel pulsing with light. And then the light fades and the tree withers as the sky turns gray, but lights are flashing in wild neon colors behind it. The images start coming faster. I can't keep track of them. But some do get through. Vaanti. Blue-skinned males and verdant females, dressed in masks and leafy garments, with tattoos decorating their powerful, glistening bodies. Then they're gone. Replaced by a steampunk-looking tribe who hunker around a fire in a post-apocalyptic desert, their pointed teeth tearing into the raw flesh of some unfortunate animal, blood sluicing down their chins.

...Anachronists...those are Anachronists! I mean, Alodia never told me they had fangs and ate raw animals, but...the steampunk outfits give them away. I open my mouth to say as much to the Endless. But now there's a problem.

...Suddenly, I can't breathe.

[supermassive-blue-tint]

Midnight Sun Thoughts: Chapters 1-5

I am five chapters into Midnight Sun and I have SOME THOUGHTS. This is going to be a very long post in which I stream of consciousness type everything that comes to mind. Also I am very much enjoying the book, but I am also going to be critical of it too!

Possible spoilers below!

Let’s start with the positive things!

Getting a look into the minds of the Cullens/Hales makes me love them even more! Emmett is such a bro, so easy going, never anxious about anything (I mean we knew this already, but it’s just so much more pronounced!) I LOVE how Rosalie’s mind is portrayed because it’s so damn honest. She is selfish and vain. As someone who is currently learning that I don’t have to put every single person in the world before me, a little look into her mind is reassuring and refreshing. She only cares about protecting herself and yet Emmett still loves her... she’s still worth something even though she isn’t ‘good’ like Bella or Esme. Seeing the way Alice’s visions work is also amazing. Like the way she can search through thousands of decisions and the way things blur when someone is undecided. I also found it very interested that right from the beginning Alice already knew that Bella was either going to end up dead or a vampire. Kind of makes a little more sense now as to why Edward tried to keep Bella human for so long... he hated being confined within only two futures.

Another thing I thought was a great touch was the way Charlie’s mind is a little more wordless than the usual mind. Edward can tell what he’s thinking, but can’t hear the actual words. I wonder if Renee has some kind of gift too? I haven’t read to the end so no spoilers if this is true! Also interesting to think about how Charlie’s gift might have manifested if he had become a vampire.

It’s interesting how in Twilight the readers can never fully comprehend the horror and repulsion that the Cullens/Hales cause in humans, because we’re reading it from Bella’s perspective and she seems to be immune to this. It’s great to get a look into how most other humans do have some kind of subconscious understanding that something isn’t right and that the Cullens/Hales are a danger to them.

I also love the way Bella is described. It’s not how I imagined her in Twilight at all, which indicates she doesn’t see herself clearly.

Let’s get into some things I didn’t like...

Firstly, school being described as purgatory and then later hell, is so obviously Mormon/Christian. Please note I may get damn salty about this as I have actual religious trauma that often manifests as me picking apart Christian religion. Trust me I have nothing against you if you are Christian... I’m just traumatised by Christian religion and I think I have the right to be critical of something that harmed me. Anyway, the blatant Christian imagery is rife in the most stereotypical way. The angel and devil on the shoulder are mentioned as well. There are so many more nuanced Christian ideas that could be used... but instead it’s really obvious imagery. I also noted the mention of ‘atonement for sins.’ Not terrible, but really rubs me the wrong way as that’s the sort of rhetoric that distorts the view of the self and makes one think they are ‘bad.’

The most accurately Christian thing about this (and I feel I need to stress here that I’m about to talk about something that happens when Christianity is done WRONG. If you’re not doing it wrong then I’m not having a go at you) is the way Edward perceives his nature as monstrous. I cannot fully describe to you the parallels this draws to my own experience of feeling like a monster for being gay (/maybe demisexual or grey asexual, idk). Edward’s self hate, the seeing of himself as a sinner, as contaminated and not good enough for anyone else are very real and common results of Christianity gone wrong.

Another thing (not related to Christianity at all) that made me really uncomfortable was the way that Edward waited for an outright ‘no’ from Bella when he decided to talk to her again after the first night visiting her room. Obviously as we have already read this from Bella’s point of view, we know that she likes him too. But he doesn’t know. So when he hears things from her like ‘leave me alone’ and decides that’s not enough of a rejection and he should keep pursuing her it brings up this horrible idea that only no means no. Which is not the case, obviously body language and other words can indicate a lack of consent. Of course he does wait for her to eventually say yes, which is good... but he ignores so many implied ‘nos’ before that.

I also don’t like how Esme is reduced to the loving mother archetype. There is nothing wrong with this archetype, but it eclipses all the rest of her personality. There is an important place for loving mothers in the world, but not because it’s what women are ‘designed’ for, and not at the expense of a woman’s individuality and uniqueness. In a similar vein I hate it how Bella is perfectly ‘good’ and selfless. It’s such an unrealistic idea that perfection even exists. But it’s what Christian churches (particularly more traditional or strict churches) ask of their followers. It’s a ‘be perfect or you’re going to hell’ vibe.

I’d also like to point out that I don’t necessarily think Smeyer would intentionally go and put all this Christian stuff in Midnight Sun or any Twilight saga book. I think it’s more likely that she is so involved in it all that this is genuinely how she sees fit to explain the world. I remember reading Twilight as a 12/13 year old and never ever noticing any of the thinly veiled traditional Christianity hidden in it because I myself was so much a part of it that I didn’t know there were other ways to see the world.

Okay, end rant. Tune in next time for Lissa reviews Midnight Sun but then accidentally addresses her religious trauma.

[gottawriteanegoortwo]

William

Note: My version of Wilford is written where he has no memories of most of his life. To him, it isn’t a big deal (”bad memory an’ all that”), while most don’t realise this problem. However... He does. He remembers everything about his life as the Colonel, but it is all locked away behind a giant mental block, with only snippets coming through. It can all be briefly accessed provided he is triggered. Such an extreme reaction can only really be the result of something traumatic, so I asked myself the question - what if one last event happened after Who Killed Markiplier?

Under the read-more is my attempt to answer that.

Warnings for abuse (emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping), trauma-related flashbacks, mentions of blood, death, and implied murder.

Word count: 1,544

---

His friends weren’t dead.

Damien had played a joke, that’s all. He and Celine had hidden themselves away, told everyone else to leave, and played a trick on William. That was it, right? He searched the entire Manor from top to bottom, and there was no sign of anyone. The Colonel had managed to ram the locked door off its hinges with his shoulder. Even though the room was in disarray, no one was there. That only emphasised his absurd logic. 

If they were dead, there would be bodies. If there were bodies, he could check if they were alive. Where did the Detective’s body go? But even then, they might not be dead. That attorney proved otherwise.

He didn’t kill anyone. None of this was his fault. Everything would be okay. 

He just wasn’t trying hard enough to find them.

By now, he was back in the living room. The ‘crime scene’ where everything happened, despite the clear recollection of being in the cellar when that shot was fired. The room was in the same state it had been in the last time he had stepped foot in it. William hesitated by one of the cones. What if he had taken Damien’s concerns more seriously? What if he had tried to be the better man and reach out to Mark first? It was something he knew he could never face again, but he would make a better effort when he found Damien. At the very least, William owed him that for keeping him oblivious to what happened.

“Ah, and here I thought I wouldn’t find you~”

William was abruptly pulled out of his thoughts and turned to see someone standing there. At first, he thought it was Damien, as the suit  and cane looked similar at a glance. However, a proper examination made him realise that the cane was slightly different, and the suit lacked its normal adornments of a mayoral badge and flower, which meant:

“... Mark?”

“Not quite the ‘homo necrosis’ you were so keen to hunt, but yes. It’s me.”

In an instant, William’s gun was aimed straight at Mark. One shot could go in between his eyes without a moment’s hesitation. His aim was always impeccable. The actor knew he would need to act fact to avoid another bullet from that gun.

“Whoa, whoa, old chap! This isn’t the time for bringing up old grudges. I have other matters to deal with, but I needed to talk to you first.” 

“Oh no. You first, ‘old chap’. Where’s Damien? Where’s Celine?” Mark lifted one hand, as though that simple action would stop William in his tracks. Surprisingly, it did. The gun was only lowered slightly, ready to be used in an instant should the need arise. Once Mark knew the initial danger passed, he let out a heavy sigh and put both hands on his cane.

“You can’t find them either, can you? A man of your calibre ought to be better equipped for tracking people. Me, well, I’m just an actor. How do you expect me to find people that are hiding? What did you do to them, Will?” Mark could see that this was giving the ideal result of confusion. Just another push more, and William would become the perfect character of tragedy. Utterly broken and in despair. How fitting!

“What on earth are you babbling on about? I did nothing to them. If they would want to hide from anyone, it’s you. Don’t think for a minute I’ve forgotten about the horseshit you played while I worked here. I know you better than anyone else.” Slowly, the gun was raised as the Colonel continued. “You had the ideal life, and for what? Bragging rights? Is that why you married Celine and made her miserable?”

“I did no such thing!” Mark’s composure snapped as he glared daggers at the man he once considered a brother. “I loved her, and I placed the whole world at her feet! You’re the one who corrupted her!”

“Corrupted?!” William scoffed. “I made her see sense! She wasn’t happy! Why stay married to a man who makes her feel useless? She could be anything she wants, and she was stuck with a termite for a husband!”

“She ran off, and put us all in this mess!” 

For a moment, the entire room grew distorted. It darkened as their surroundings began to stretch out and blur into nothing.

“You’re a murderer, William.”

A crack of thunder.

“You killed me, William. Everything was fine until you pulled that trigger.” Mark began to walk forward, relishing how the soldier was frozen to the spot. “Damien and Celine are dead because of you. The detective and the attorney too. How many more lives are you willing to hunt, murderer?”

A flash of lightning.

“Let me tell you something, William. You should have stayed on the drink when you came home from the war. Have you never noticed how much of a beacon of doom you are?” Mark prowled around William as he spoke. By now, William was holding the gun loosely with one hand. The words were taking hold, Mark realised with glee. “Everything was fine until you came along. Celine would have been happy. Damien would have been safe. I would not be dead. You ruin everything, you MURDERER!”

William’s vision briefly went white. He couldn’t argue with any of this. He knew Mark was right. He had a habit of ignoring serious matters in terms of having fun and goofing around. How much pain had he caused? How did he fail so badly in protecting those he cared about?

Images began to flash in William’s mind. Fallen soldiers, friend and foe. Men he had to hide from when trapped in Jumanji. Mark’s body sprawled on the floor. Celine and Damien slumped somewhere dark like two ragdolls abandoned by a child. Death. Death. Death.

He couldn’t breathe. It was suffocating. His hands twitched. The sounds of bullets echoed faintly in his mind. Tears began to break through. All the people he had failed to protect. All those good people who died for needless causes. The harrowing fact that he was here and they were not. Why did he always survive? He didn’t deserve that. He should be the one that died so they could live. He was the reason they all died. 

His chest felt tight. He couldn’t breathe. This eternal blackness was suffocating him. He had moved on from this, and yet it all hit him as hard as it did nearly ten years ago.

“... Murderer.”

The words were uttered from the Colonel’s lips as another roar of thunder broke the silence. He blinked. The gun was gone, now in Mark’s hand. There was a gentle smile on the actor’s face as he spun the barrel of the gun and aimed it at William’s forehead.

“But that’s all in the past. I have always supported you through those dark times, haven’t I, friend? So let us try again and let bygones be bygones. One last game, and then we both move on?” What a hero Mark was! Despite all the pain and suffering William had put him through, he was willing to put it all behind and move on. He waited for a response, one that came in the form of a slow nod from the soldier.

The actor’s smile darkened as he fired. Of course he didn’t set the ‘game’ up properly. It only adds to the tragedy if William never had a chance to begin with.

The gun fired.

Blood went everywhere. 

Some landed in William’s hair, some fell onto his moustache, briefly dying both red. Even so, William was paralysed, like nothing had happened.

“You’re a murderer. That’s all you are, Will. Your real self is a murderer. It’s your fault any of this happened. Accept your fate, play your part, and let that guilt consume you, murderer.”

No thunder. No lightning. Just silence.

Everything went black.

When Will stirred some time later, he was in a living room. The room should be familiar, but it wasn’t. He rose to his feet, hand on his head like he was checking for something, but his forehead was clear and dry. Nothing strange there. Was he expecting something to be there?

Chocolate eyes glanced behind him. Why was there a crime scene? For that matter, why did something in the back of his mind beg to feel sad, guilty, and miserable? He didn’t feel any of those things. He felt... 

He felt empty, but more akin to an empty glass instead of hollowness. An empty glass has potential, and he could start trying to fill his life with new, interesting things!

With a surprisingly upbeat demeanour, Will took his leave from the eerie building and set off to find... Something. He wasn’t sure what, but he’d think about that as he walked!

One character had been cast in the role of the tragic fool. However, too much of a push was given, and he appeared to be more oblivious to the truth. No matter. Mistakes were made. Once Damien is found and moulded, Mark would look for William and correct him. It shouldn’t be too hard to find the former mayor, after all.

[blackbirdpaw]

We all know that there isn't that much representation in Warriors. There are few lgbt+ cats, none have been explicitly written, the disability representation is selective and poor, and there is very little mental illness representation. So the characters who are neurodivergent/lgbt+/disabled need to be celebrated! But unfortunately, this isn't the case with this fandom. I'm specifically talking about mentally ill cats because there's a frightening theme in this fandom. That's right, folks. I'm calling bullshit.

There are three mentally ill cats I'm going to talk about. There are many characters who can be headcanoned with a mental illness but these three characters, in particular, are criticised or celebrated for their mentally ill symptoms. Let's talk about Alderheart. Alderheart hasn't been confirmed to have generalised anxiety or any kind of anxiety disorder but he clearly suffers from high levels of anxiety and him having G.A.D is generally accepted throughout the fandom. People love this guy! People love the fact that he's anxious. They can relate, and it "makes him cute." It's endearing! But two other characters have not been met with that same reception.

Palebird is the only character confirmed to have a mental illness. Kate Cary stated on her blog that Palebird suffered from postnatal depression which was furthered by her grief for Finchkit's death. This is clearly shown in canon. Though it wasn't in focus, Palebird seemed tired and sad all the time. Tallkit had to be careful not to exhaust her or upset her. It showed her healing over time with the help of Woollytail and her new kits and finally being happy. Now, I'd think this could be something relatable for readers. Depression is incredibly common, and while readers wouldn't have Postnatal Depression and most likely have Major Depression or Persistent Depressive Disorder, they are both depressive disorders and therefore share a lot of the same symptoms. I also thought readers would be happy that there's actually some canon mental illness representation - but I was very wrong. Readers disliked Palebird because she was emotionally distant to Tallkit, a symptom of her disorder, calling her a horrible parent and even abusive. She gets more hate than Sandgorse, which I find absolutely absurd. I completely and utterly disagree with all this hate.

The last character I want to mention is Bluestar. Bluestar is the most blatant mentally ill cat in this series. She undergoes a significant change in personality and behaviour. Vicky Holmes stated on Facebook that Bluestar had dementia, which I disagree with one hundred percent. Bluestar had some of the symptoms, yes, but those symptoms fit the diagnosis criteria of ptsd much better. I could give you a full analysis, I've done it before. Because I'm a nerd. But it really comes down to a few things. Bluestar's actual memory was fine. Dementia affects memory. Graypool showed a much better representation of dementia and she had pretty much one scene! She had wandered away from her Clan and was extremely confused and seemed lost in the past. Bluestar, on the other hand, was paranoid. That paranoia distorted her perception. That paranoia stemmed from a trauma she went through - Tigerclaw's treachery and attempted murder of herself. Dementia has links with trauma but nothing concrete has been discovered yet. But enough about that. Bluestar has ptsd and clearly displays ptsd symptoms. It's obvious she's suffering greatly. But does Bluestar get given with sympathy? No. Fucking Scourge gets more kindness then she does. The fandom hated this change in Bluestar. "I loved Bluestar until she went crazy," "Bluestar got so annoying omg." "Bluestar was selfish" "Bluestar was such a drama queen!" This change in character elicited no positive response but rather an outcry of hate.

Yeah, but what's the problem here? They're different characters and they act differently. Two of them hurt others and their actions are harmful, irrational, and, well, bad. The other doesn't. Bluestar and Palebird portray ugly symptoms! Alderheart doesn't, he's cute, he's a little softboi.

Here's the thing though: mental illness is ugly. It isn't pretty, it isn't cute, and it sure as hell isn't uwu softboi. It isn't "my poor smol bean." Praising one character for their mental illness while condemning others is hypocritical. You are not being an advocate for preaching about how Alderheart is a great character because of his anxiety whole simultaneously shitting on Bluestar and Palebird for exhibiting negative symptoms. In doing so you are actively harming mentally ill people by supporting only a romanticised narrative of mental illness. By only accepting the mental illnesses that you deem "socially acceptable," you are being horribly ableist. Hey, it's like in real life, when people preach about how they support people with depression and anxiety but turn around and call people with borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia abusive demons. Mental illness isn't fucking cute. It isn't a good thing. It should be portrayed as a negative thing because that's what it is, generalised anxiety included. Mental illnesses are ugly. They're hurting other people with paranoid accusations. They're being so disconnected from others that you're being neglectful to their needs. They're being irrational. They're frightening.

I'm not saying we should praise mentally ill behaviours. But we should have sympathy for characters like Bluestar and Palebird. We should say, "hey, this behaviour isn't right and it's hurting others! But I understand it's rooted in mental illness and while that doesn't excuse the behaviour, I recognise it's a symptom of a mental health issue and I hope this character recovers and gets help. I'm really happy the authors gave us mental illness representation because that's important!" I'm also not saying that we shouldn't have likable mentally ill characters. Positive representation is a good thing! There are plenty of mentally ill people who exhibit symptoms and are still good people. All I'm saying is that we shouldn't treat mental illness in characters like a desirable thing to have or an adorable personality trait. You cannot say "I like this character because they give us mental illness rep," and then say: "not this one because they're a meanie." Mental illnesses can be scary. We shouldn't pretend they're not. We can't demand something and then reject it because it doesn't fit our idealised version of that said thing. that we should be happy with what representation we get and acknowledge this!

There is a difference between a negative portrayal and an actively dangerous and stigmatizing portrayal. A negative portrayal of mental illness, in this case, would be a character who hurts others because of their mental illness but is still shown to be human, have likable traits, and is an accurate portrayal, like Palebird. A stigmatizing and inaccurate portrayal is what we should be condemning, like the awful attempt at portraying Dissociative Identity Disorder in the movie Split.

At the end of the day, I just think it's so hypocritical the way the fandom treats the mentally ill characters written into the books. All of them deserve acknowledgement and all of them should be received with sympathy, especially because all of them recover, which shows that while they were negative portrayals of mental illness and were hurtful to others, they were capable of getting better and righting their wrongs, which is such an important message and so accurate to those suffering from mental health issues. Bluestar's recovery was... inaccurate but at least it happened. Palebird's was pretty well executed! Romanticising mental illness isn't at all okay and you're not a mental health advocate by doing so. You're not helping the community, you're harming it. You don't have to like Bluestar and Palebird. But give those lovely ladies the props they deserve!

(I'd also like to mention that Alderheart being a romanticisation of G.A.D is not a fault of the authors as they didn't write him to have clinical anxiety! It was just a widespread headcanon that proved my point. Another point to note is that this isn't about younger fandom members who can't grasp the complexity of Bluestar's character and instead just sees her as a drama queen or annoying. This is about readers who can identify mental illness in characters and praise Alderheart while not treating Bluestar and Palebird equally.)

[karenpage]

you’re honest. you never lie to me

an essay (?)  about Karen Page + the importance of the truth.

I’m going to preface this with yes, I ship Kastle, but a lot of the details, the facts and the principles that will be shared throughout this post are some of the primary reasons I do, and not intended to necessarily change people’s perspectives to their own romantic pairings. 

We’re going to open with Daredevil s1, where it all began.

The introduction of Karen’s character is flanked by ‘guilt’ by ‘the truth’ and what it means depending on where you’re standing when you look at it. She’s framed for murder (an ultimate act of dishonesty), because she was investigating the truth - she lost her job, lost everything, in her pursuit of what was actually happening behind the smoke and mirrors of Union Allied. And at this point, it just looked like money being moved around, which, while illegal and immoral, wasn’t as violently criminal as say, organized drug trafficking and gang-related violence (like the Italians or Kitchen Irish). 

She relies on Matt and Foggy trusting her. She relies on that blind faith. And the few times Karen lies to them (and she does lie initially) was rooted in her paranoia. Her fear. Especially when you continue further on and she’s almost killed in her holding cell, and she doesn’t know who to turn to, who she can place her trust in.

Enter: Daredevil. (that’s a fine looking high horse)

He’s representative of good, working along the margins of the law (vigilante justice), but it is absolute. Of course, she has no way of knowing the shape of his moral code, but he’s the first person shown to save Karen so she latches onto that ideal fiercely. A continued theme of her thinking that Daredevil is the end all be all; he’s saved her, he does what’s ‘right’, or at least what the man beneath the mask believes to be.

Karen’s story arc through the entirety of season 1 is the pursuit of truth. It starts with Union Allied. It starts with Ben Urich. And then it twists into the guilt of Karen feeling the weight of the truth she unearths - doing what’s right, what’s just, starts to come at an incredibly high price. Karen’s life is threatened ROUTINELY, and she persists. She doesn’t stop. 

I don’t think it’s necessarily a death wish so much as it is: people have died on this journey and to stop? To give up because she’s scared? Would be an insult to them directly.

And then she’s at the business end of a gun. And then she’s got so much blood on her hands she can’t breathe. 

We now know (with the release of dds3), that Wesley wasn’t the first person she shot. That Karen Page has always been perfectly capable of handling herself but Wesley’s death is important in the shift of her reality.

It isn’t black & white any longer. 

Because self-defense has a very narrow threshold and while her life would continue to be in direct danger if James Wesley was allowed to live, right then, and after the first shot into his shoulder, he wasn’t an immediate threat. 

Karen emptied the clip into him and buried that trauma, that guilt, way down deep. 

But his isn’t the first life she’d taken. It isn’t the first ghost that sits in her shadow.

So why is Karen so interested in the absolute truth, every inch of it laid bare even if it makes her look bad? Even if it’s ugly?

Cut to Daredevil s3e10: Karen.

After two seasons of Daredevil and one season of The Punisher teasing the tragedy of Karen Page’s backstory, we’re given insight into what’s clearly a defining set of circumstances for her later behavior, for her grief.

Karen made bad choices, and bad things happened; her brother dies in an accident caused by her addiction, by her abusive boyfriend and it’s an absolute, soul-rending ache that we see reflected throughout her adulthood thereafter.

But her dad, a man who had no sense of responsibility, culpability, let his denial of their circumstances make decisions for them and was emotionally abusive -- he took away her ability to grieve. Her ability to take the blame in guilt.

He made the death of her brother about him.

Karen was CLEARLY upset when he told her that she wasn’t ‘there’, that the sheriff was going to call it a one person incident because their family didn’t need more suffering. After her mother’s death, now her brother’s, what would that do to her father if she ended up in prison? It was exceptionally manipulative on his part to phrase things the way he did and that stuck with Karen.

A lie. Not the first but the one that defined her relationship with the truth. With honesty. With justice and vengeance.

A lie that blamed her brother for his own death and a lie that haunted her each and every day, and will continue to until she’s able to come to terms with the truth of it.

We see a scene of her looking at the newspaper (a clipping about the accident), and I think there’s a deliberate parallel there to a scene in dds2, which we now segue into. (we’ll come back to dds3 after, I just thought this was a necessary bit of past information that ties into .. well .. pretty much everything). 

Onto dds2, or; the inevitability of Frank Castle.

The theme’s that tie Karen to Frank are constant, and, in my opinion, needfully heavy-handed. 

Karen learns there’s a man killing criminals, a man who sees the wrong in what people have done and is taking them out with military precision. He doesn’t miss his targets, so why is she lucky enough to get away from The Punisher? What if he knows what she’s done? What if he, like Ben or Ellison, dug a little too deep and saw why she’d come to New York in the first place? Or caught the scent of James Wesley, the gun at the bottom of the Hudson. 

What if she deserved it?

The guilt complex manifests tenfold after she kills Wesley, and continues on throughout season 2 with Karen believing that the reason Frank Castle exists as a concept, is due to the nature of the city. That really, these vigilantes are a product of circumstance. When people like Wilson Fisk rise to power, when there’s a wound in a city of that size, it doesn’t just go away. It leaves a permanent mark and Karen’s literally dedicated her energy to defending the downtrodden. To helping those who need help.

To learn the reason ‘why’ behind every defense sentencing. 

It starts with: he has to have a reason. He knows who his targets are, it’s not a madman gunning down randoms. So there’s logic to what he does, however, distorted by perception, but logic nonetheless. 

We see Karen throw herself headlong into this internal, isolated investigation BEFORE they have reason to dedicate their time and energy to finding a probable defense for Frank.

Karen goes digging before she’s obligated. 

Because she needs to know. Her truths (how many of them now?) are all buried, all dead, all six feet under so that desperate endeavor for honesty and absolution drives her to break into Frank’s house after seeing the files. After seeing what happened to him.

And it grows from there.

Karen finds the truth, wants the truth, and starts to see her grief in the haunted flint of Frank’s eyes and while all of this is happening, her relationship with Matt Murdock has shifted into something romantic. She trusts him. Gets girlish and sweet, maybe even a little vulnerable in his company. 

And in the middle of Karen talking to Frank, in the middle of Karen rooting around in a past that so many have tried to cover up, to hide, Matt is routinely and repeatedly betraying that trust.

Truth. Honesty. Integrity. Components to the walls that Karen keeps up around her, why she keeps most things, most people, at an arm's length.

They either hurt her. Or they die. 

And she wears plenty of guilt for that. Karen’s her own worst critic, her own judge, jury, and executioner. 

Now, Matt’s odd behavior is initially explained by Foggy as ‘drinking’, which wasn’t meant to be a lie that’d hurt Karen ultimately. Foggy did as Foggy does; he protects his friends, and maybe he’d panicked a little and that felt reasonable, right? Better than telling Karen Page that the vigilante she’d been enamored with is actually the blind man that she’s grown separate, and intimate feelings for. 

Again, we look into Karen’s past and we see that she struggled with addiction; pills, powder, alcohol - she’s been there. And her empathy towards Matt, all those hours spent worrying .. are housed in betrayal, ultimately. And he can phrase it like he’s protecting her but really, they both know better, they knew better, and Matt was probably afraid of what would happen if she knew.

A lie is still a lie, no matter the intentions behind it. 

Now Frank’s this sort of ... emotional lifeline for Karen after that first act of heartbreak is echoing around in her mind. Walking in on Matt and Elektra (which, and while I personally resent pitting two women against each other, I recognize the significance and circumstances of; this is all meant to dialogue about Karen Page, not to paint or argue opinions).

She turns to Frank, finds comfort in HIS justice, and it’s definitely an act of emotional projection. Her family is dead. Her family did not, and cannot receive the justice they deserved but Frank’s? That’s an honest to god tragedy (nobody comes out of that okay).

Their relationship continues in such a way that’s built on bald honesty. Even if it’s ugly, maybe especially then. Regardless of whether or not it’s chosen to be read romantically, it is significant, the line Karen has with Frank is probably one of the most important of her character: You’re honest. You never lie to me.

We know why that trait stands out among the rest. After all she’s learned about Frank, knows the skeleton’s in his closet; she doesn’t judge him. Not when the dust settles and the blood on their hands runs the same color red. 

Guilt and grief are hard to differentiate when you’re in the thick of it but Karen’s always drawn a pretty distinct line. 

No matter what, above and before all else; we are our truths. 

And when she collapses in front of her wrecked car (Ben’s, car, isn’t it?), she’s faced with two ghosts: Kevin’s, and Frank’s (he’d told her he’s already dead, what difference does another bullet through another skull make?)

And then he’s dead for real, she thinks. She’s grieving a dead man, loving and mourning him all at once. The scene with Matt hearing her heartbeat? It was done deliberately; he knows what hell he’s put Karen through by then, he knows she’s come to care about Frank in a way that he fundamentally disagrees with, but can’t talk her out of.

But Frank lets Karen know. It’s a pointed scene, on the rooftop. What is it, to be a hero? 

It’s not Midland Circle. It isn’t dying, and staying dead but living in the margins and letting your friends hurt.

It isn’t telling her: I’m Daredevil, and letting the mortification and pain and rage of the last year wash over Karen Page.

So we’re at Daredevil s3 (with an inclusion of The Punisher s1, and how loving dead men makes Karen Page switch to espresso)

We’ve already touched on her backstory, so I’m not really going to reiterate that here and now. 

But the big Lie. The big HURT for Karen this season is Matt. 

He died, but she refuses to believe it (even if she can’t know absolutely either way. Matt’s her friend. As angry as she gets at him, as dumb as he gets, Karen loves her friends fiercely). 

He’s ‘back’, but not really. Karen feels absolutely and fundamentally betrayed; if Matt was back, he wouldn’t let us think he was dead.

So much for him promising he’d stop lying.

And at this point? There’s no degree of self-preservation to it, he doesn’t mask it as keeping them safe. He just cannot live with what he’s become. Matt Murdock dies with the love of his life under midland circle and Daredevil’s fit-together broken pieces.

Karen’s don’t fit with his, but she cares, and she persists. Because that’s what Karen Page does.

She helps. In spite of or despite the circumstances, Karen Page does the right thing in the face of all the wrong. 

Her forgiveness to Matt is slow coming and hell, her defense of Frank to him at the very beginning communicates volumes as to where her headspace is. 

Karen’s tired of grief. Tired of being tired. Tired of people dying in the name of her truth; look at the Bulletin. She’d pushed the Jasper Evans lead, she’d pulled on that thread KNOWING it’d bring Fisk’s wrath -- she still has nightmares -- and that’s because discrediting her, the agent of honesty and truth, is imperative for the liars to keep good in the business of lying. 

So Karen uses her truth as a weapon when she goes to Fisk herself.

No one else gets caught in the crossfire because of her. No one else dies. this is the shape her justice takes and it is as brave as it is stupid, admittedly. 

We close the season on transparency; all seems well with Nelson, Murdock & Page. Truth sits behind her teeth at all times but lying doesn’t go away, it sheds it skin and it grows and Karen Page values honesty. Values justice.

Not how it looks to her alone. But how it fits into the to City they call home.

[thesinglesjukebox]

TAYLOR SWIFT - YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

[3.65]

The one that's on our mind, 365, all the time...

Will Rivitz: The Singles Jukebox -- Corrections, June 21 2019: The author of this blurb has previously stated that the selection of Meghan Trainor as LA Pride headliner would forever be the nadir of Pride-related programming. The author regrets the error. [1]

Joshua Copperman: The discourse for "ME!": "What does this mean for Taylor's next era?" The discourse for this lyrical clusterfuck: "What does this mean at all?" It's a much more interesting production, without stock horns and with some nice "Royals"-y vocal layering, but it's the most incoherent thing she's ever released. Is it about stans? Is it about homophobes? Is it a coming out song? Did Taylor throw the first shade at Stonewall? What is HAPPENING?? I'm sorry, I need to calm down. [3]

Will Adams: Taylor said "Gay Rights!" Kind of! Sort of. Well... it's complicated. Not necessarily because of her status as a cis straight woman, but because the message itself is so damn muddled. Stans and trolls and bigots and music journalists are lumped in the same mass of "haters," and while it's worth noting that this by no means the first anti-haters pop song to exist, the overt political text here results in lots of crossed wires. The song suffers as a result too, throwing half-formed catchphrases at the wall to see what sticks: the chorus is a melodic void (odd considering Taylor's songwriting strength); the "gowns" reference is too subtle to register; the patter results in odd scansion throughout ("like it's PUH-trón"); and "snakes and stones never broke my bones" is no more clever than "don't need opinions from a shellfish or a sheep." Speaking of Katy, also wrapped up in all this is a resolution of a beef that never seemed that important except as something for either party to mine for big single launches. It's all too much, especially for a not-bad track that fizzes just fine on its own. It'd be churlish to ask Taylor to take her own advice; for now all I ask for is coherence. [4]

Jonathan Bradley: Taylor Swift has always had a talent for deploying sharp and piquant phrases, the sorts of lyrics that tell blunt little stories like animated gifs. It's an opportunity for her to go broad and get funny: "Some indie record that's much cooler than mine," for instance, or "I can make the bad guys good for a weekend," or "I don't love the drama, it loves me." "You Need to Calm Down" is like an entire song built from these lines, and it whirls by like a Twitter thread or an Instagram story. Taylor sass is a lot of fun, and many of these ripostes are satisfyingly catty in their insouciance ("I'm just like, 'hey... are you OK?'" might be the best of these). Swift has shrugged off detractors on "Shake It Off" and "Mean," but she is more single-minded this time, and that focus paradoxically dilutes the intent. Swift's greatest strength as a songwriter is her interiority; she's adept at examining and interpreting her own feelings. But a consequence of that is that she is far less certain when she needs to step outside the bounds of her own head. The worst song she has ever released was a charity single called "Ronan," in which Swift sung in the voice of a mother who had lost her child to cancer; so talented at realizing her personal traumas, she proved incapable of reconstructing her sympathy for that bereavement in her own voice. "Calm Down" has some things to say about homophobia, and in this terrain outside her own experience, Swift's words are not so much unpleasant as awkward and a bit superficial, particularly in their uncertain invocation of "shade" as bigotry. (If stan theorists needed evidence that Swift is indeed as straight as she publicly presents, it's here: a queer Taylor would not have written a second verse as disengaged as that one.) But even diluted, Swift singles are still constructed tight. This one continues finding the pastel inversion of Reputation's skeletal synth sound, and echoes "ME!" with a hook of vowel sounds as palilalia -- "oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh..." this time, rather than "me-hee-hee." It's a tic that works -- in moderation. [7]

Alex Clifton: (Puts on music critic hat) It's stronger than "ME!" (which isn't hard but worth noting), I'm glad she takes swipes at homophobia but equating that with personal shots is a little bit weird, it's super catchy but the lyrics are still a little lacking, and I still can't remember all the words even though I have the melody memorized. (Takes off music critic hat, puts on bisexual Swiftie stan hat) EVERYTHING IS RAINBOWS AND MY BRAIN WON'T STOP SINGING THIS AND I WOULD MARRY TAYLOR SWIFT, HAPPY PRIDE!!!!! [5]

Alfred Soto: I'm sure it will sound fine on the radio, especially played beside "Bad Guy" and "Old Town Road." The maximalist intentions behind the Everest-sized synth bass and her rat-tat-tat delivery bespeak a mind that recognizes it's the one needing calm. Except for the "parade" line, I wouldn't have known this alludes to Pride if I hadn't watched the video. I don't feel pandered to as a queer man because, after all, a Pride parade is superficial performativity anyway. [6]

Katherine St Asaph: Give her this: the stacked-up arpeggio in the chorus is an absolutely brilliant hook, particularly the second time when it goes over the top. The rapid-fire prechorus is pretty good too. But the beat is the same freezer-burned "Paper Planes"/"With Ur Love"/"Send My Love (To Your New Lover)" chill, the accents are so far from the right syllables they've filed a misSING perSONS REport, the conflating of trolls with professional critics with the literal Westboro Baptist Church is bad (as is the weird class shit in the video, as if you can't be anti-gay and present like a Pleasantville star), and all this was done much better on "Mean." [5]

Katie Gill: In a way, this song is hellishly brilliant. Taylor Swift has provided her standom with a weapon, something that they can wield against any form of criticism. Want to write an article criticizing the fact that Swift seems to put "homophobia" and "me having internet bullies" on the same level, the fact that the video tactlessly paints rural Americana as the enemy of LGBTQ+ people instead of the Mike Pences of the world, or the fact that the second verse leans way too close to the sort of tactlessness that only aggressively woke allies can pull off? Expect a flock of Twitter replies telling you condescendingly that "you need to calm down" and "you're being too loud," as people ignore the half-assed condemnation of standom during the song's third verse in favor of using Swift's lyrics as a cudgel against any perceived haters. For all that Swift is trying to shed the sneaky snake image, traces of it still linger between the lines. [3]

Edward Okulicz: The people who said "Heartbeats" by The Knife was the future of music were right in 2003, and based on this, have now been right for 16 years and counting. That enormous synth-bass takes a song that should have been awful on paper (ugh, a thematic sequel to "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things," which itself is why we can't have nice things, like good Taylor Swift songs), with the second verse featuring the worst lyrics Swift has ever written, and makes it frisky and playful. The "uh-oh uh-oh UH-OH!" hook is legitimately her best in years. Obsessing about someone is tedious, obsessing about those people is even more tedious, but for once, Swift sounds like she's legitimately above it, even if I don't think she knows what "shade" is. I wanted to hate this for its posturing, but I can't, because of the "uh-oh" bit. But just between you and me, I liked Katy Perry's last single more. [6]

William John: I'm always happy to hear songs that approximate the "Heartbeats" melody, and the layered vocals here sound lovely, but Dorian Corey didn't keep a mummy in her house for fifteen years for "shade" to be misinterpreted so flagrantly. [3]

Danilo Bortoli: Is it fair to demand political accountability from artists? The question remains thorny these days, but when Taylor Swift blatantly goes after pink money, the answer is yes, loud and clear. The case made for "You Need To Calm Down" has pulled the identity politics card (as usual, The Onion put it better). That is, Swift's song oversimplifies an ancient struggle for recognition, making up a narrative that isn't Taylor's to call her own. But what is more infuriating is the sugarcoating: the fact that pride should come only from within, and the naive and painful suggestion that a homophobe would go silent after a line as awful as "shade never made anybody less gay". That is to say, when it comes to protest, I prefer it the French way. Which is why all of this begs the question: Would you tell Richard Spencer to "calm down"? No, of course you wouldn't. [2]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: There are probably 2300 words elsewhere in this post about the politics and rhetoric of Taylor's words here (and I'll get to that), but first I feel obligated to talk about how "You Need To Calm Down" works on a purely musical level. It sounds like ass. It takes the bag of tricks that Swift used on "Ready For It?," the most musically captivating of Reputation's singles, and sands off all of their weird edges. Yes, there's a bass thump to welcome you in, but without the distortion it just sounds like Taylor's doing "Royals"-lite (I mean, Joel Little did produce.) And with the fangs off the verse, the lift to the chorus fails to land. It's all just sound, an undifferentiated, imperial wave of midtempo banger signifier without a real hook. Even Swift's vocals, which have always been her most compelling tool, can't sell the song's vibe -- she's confused not giving a fuck for calm. Of course, it's not entirely clear what "You Need To Calm Down"'s vibe, or point, even is. It's trying to be clever, with its winking references to stale LGBTQ and feminist symbology, but by conflating (or at least juxtaposing) those struggles with the problems that Taylor Swift has as a widely hated famous person, it ends up saying nothing at all. In the end, "You Need To Calm Down" is less a coherent song in itself than a Potemkin village to situate endless thinkpieces in. Make it stop. [3]

Ashley Bardhan: I know the title is "You Need To Calm Down" but there are no human words that can aptly describe how much I hate this song. Think of a young pigeon cooing as it flies through a fish market, weaving over and through the glistening crates of silver-scaled fish and ice. Oh no! There's a problem with a shipment! The owner angrily tosses a fat fish into the air, and its scales glint as it smacks the pigeon mid-air and onto the ground with the full brunt of its weight. The pigeon sees the fish market, its final flight, behind its closed eyes in a hurried blur. It weakly wheezes its final birdsong, and then... nothing. Yaaas, hunty. [0]

Iris Xie: 🤷 This is so tired, I can't even be that mad about it. The only question I have, because this song and MV isn't even worth a QTPOC-centered thinkpiece from me is this: when is the Post Malone + Swae Lee + Taylor Swift collaboration happening? This sounds so much like "Sunflower" and is just as deadening. Even the excitement of one of my besties sending me an ~*urgent*~ text message about Katy Perry and Taylor Swift making up over their imaginary feud, once they realized it hurt both of their fanbases, can't even ignite an ounce of care from me. (Bless your heart, my dear friend.) If she really wanted to pander to the gays, she could've just written a sequel to "Look What You Made Me Do" and become a slicker conduit for the less graceful parts about being in queer scenes, which can be about petty, messy drama, rather than being the subject of rage and apathy about being another harbinger of happy happy HAPPY gaypropriation. Like, whatever, she can have her extremely meaningless self-declared ally medal. I've been calm, just give me actual music. [2]

Isabel Cole: It's like this: A while ago I was catching up with an ex who mentioned he'd recently come back into contact with someone we'd known in high school -- acquaintance of his, frenemy of mine, a few sparkling months of giggling BFF-ship deteriorating across a year I spent defending her while she shit-talked my fashion sense in the girls' room to the local blabbermouth -- and he told me, with an ironic arch of the brow, that when my name had inevitably come up she'd said, "Isabel and I used to be so close; I wonder what happened." Reader, I spent like a week losing my mind, repeating the story and relitigating the history to anyone who would listen while bitterly making fun of her internet presence. Was this because I am petty and emotionally volatile? Yes. But it was also because there is a certain level of willful detachment from reality which I do not have the cognitive capacity to process adequately. Taylor Swift having the gall to tell any human on earth to calm down makes me feel insane the way it makes me feel insane to see someone citing as evidence of their incurable adolescent unpopularity the dorky AIM screenname they picked based on an affectionate joke I made. Taylor Swift saying "take several seats" makes me feel the same combination of spiteful and enraged as reading a line recycled from Livejournal in 2005: please learn like everyone else to disguise the extent to which the human brain is a machine wired to seek validation, the transparency of your desperation is making all of us uncomfortable! God, I wanna snub her in a lunchroom so bad. The song is unappealing in ways that barely merit mentioning -- verses that sound like they were reverse-engineered from a MIDI file of the superior but hardly sublime "Gorgeous," chorus that throws in the plodding piano of roaring bravery -- but even beyond the equivalency it implies between Twitter making fun of her and, like, hate crimes, I find the bridge particularly embarrassing, because of how artlessly it reveals its origin: Taylor Swift literally read a Tumblr post (or, the algorithm we call Taylor Swift processed several hundred Tumblr posts) from 2011 saying "stop pitting female artists against each other [handclap emoji etc.]!!!!!!!!!!!" and thought, Wow! Feminism! As for the possibility that this is another masterful turn from Taylor the troll (or troll!Taylor as there is a distressingly high chance she'd say) and by falling for it I've let her win: (1) Taylor Swift is always already winning, this is exactly what Marx was talking about (2) Let me kick it back to my ex one more time: when I asked what she was like these days, he considered and said: "I thought she'd developed self-awareness, but then I realized it was just self-identification." Yeah. [1]

Scott Mildenhall: You know sometimes, when you read the annotations on genius.com, how their deductions and inferences appear to have been made by algorithm? For instance, the notion that this being released on that loud American guy's birthday "seems to support the theory" that one line is about him? This is what would happen if that algorithm was tasked with writing a satirical song. [5]

Stephen Eisermann: My take? This is more lazy allyship than commercialization of pride. Plus, it's kind of a bop. Sucks, then, that Taylor completely misunderstands what shade is -- but did we really expect any better? [6]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Time to dive into this one, eh. This year’s SDCC poster now seems a pretty deliberate and blatant bit of foreshadowing and underlines this as a whole Thing we really should be paying attention to.

THAT ONE SCENE!!! Can I start you a gofundme account to destroy "WHO" did this to Pearl 

Anon, I’ll do it for free. (Though, okay, yeah, if it requires a functional FTL spaceship, and it probably does, I might need help with funding.)

Ok but I really need you to develop your theories and thoughts about THAT thing with pearl because I can't stop thinking about it and I'm very curious to read what you think. I read your tags but I need more. All of it. There wasn't enough Pearl on those episodes and yet that thing messed me up. 

You and me both.

See, I feel nostalgic now, like the ol’ days of SU theories, Ronaldoing hard, building entire alien worlds and systems and elaborate secret identity conspiracy theories on a few frames of background art with three triangles and four rhombuses. Love it. Or the incredible mileage we all got out of Jasper’s “some lost, defective pearl”, leading the way to the pretty wide agreement of there being multiples of a single Gem “type” way, way before the show actually confirmed it.

So, Homeworld... I always hoped you'd see it some day, but I thought I'd be there with you. Being taken there as a prisoner, I suppose it was something of a dramatic experience. It's just... Steven, I'm sure you have a lot of questions you'd like answers to, like about the Diamonds, for instance. There are things that are impossible for me to explain... But I want to! I-- Steven, I--

The way Pearl’s signature piano in the background music goes all wild and dissonant whenever her hand flies up is particularly effective.

So, what’s going on here? Is Pearl under some sort of geas? A gag order? From the elusive White Diamond (still without even a namedrop - maybe exactly because of... this), or some remnants of Pink Diamond’s influence? I’m fairly sure it’s another piece of the Pink Diamond Murder Mystery puzzle we’ve been promised, but how exactly it fits we can’t yet know for sure. There seem to be some very particular things Pearl physically cannot talk about as her own hand flies up to gag her, and she can’t wrestle it off to finish her sentence. She only manages to remove her hand once the topic of conversation has shifted away from whatever it was she was trying to say.

I’ve seen people compare this to Sophie being forbidden from talking about her curse in Howl’s Moving Castle, especially since:

If you ever find yourself wondering if Steven Universe just referenced anime, the answer is almost always 'Yes.'   -- Matt Burnett

There’s also the possibility of it being a conditioning, or “programming” thing. Perhaps one that applies to Diamonds’ pearls, or pearls in general, which certainly makes a dark sort of sense. After all, as we’ve seen, pearls are privy to pretty much everything on Homeworld, down to the top dog rulers’ most private moments. They present a huge risk and potential vulnerability - and I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s noticed they’re the ideal spies and informants. I’ve also seen the suggestion that it’s some kind of trauma-related response (though the whole bit with literally wrestling with her own arm makes me a bit doubtful).

I’ve got a vaguely chronological overview of instances of Pearl doing the hand thing I’ve found and their context, in an attempt to see which might be relevant here and which are just Pearl being upset or shocked or similar. Obviously, YMMV, but this is my take. It’s also going to be pretty long since, well, she actually does it a lot.

Season 1, So Many Birthdays. Shock upon seeing Steven suddenly aged into an old man. Can’t think of how this would be related to anything.

Season 1, Mirror Gem. “It's talking to him? It shouldn't be able to do that. I-it should only be following orders...”

While the above line has always struck me as interesting and kinda twisted in retrospect coming from Pearl of all people, the gesture is nothing like the involuntary gag one we’ve now seen, and there isn’t much to suggest she was about to say anything revealing or important in a Diamond sense.

Season 1, Rose’s Scabbard. “Pearl, you have to tell me what's wrong.”

While tempting, I don’t think this one is it, either, especially because she does tell Steven what’s wrong right after and without any noticeable issues, and here she’s just curling into herself and crying, immensely upset. There’s also nothing to suggest anything “forbidden” at risk of being revealed here. (In general I think Season 1 might be a bit too early to start seeding this, but who knows, the Crewniverse have played the long, long, long game with us before.)

Season 2, It Could’ve Been Great. “Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking, shutting this operation down? It could've been great!”

I was pretty sure this one was going to be relevant, but then when checking it out I noticed the frames leading into it show Pearl slowly putting her hand up to cover her mouth in shock in a way that makes it look really different to the gag thing. And again, she doesn’t really try to say anything here, and a bit later joins the conversation without any apparent issue. So while I guess you could frame it as her wanting to say something about the Diamonds’ plans for Earth and being unable to, I’m not sure I would.

In season 3′s Monster Reunion, Pearl doesn’t cover her mouth, but does use a now interesting turn of phrase when discussing, as she calls it, “damage from the Diamonds”:

Remember, she's not cracked, she's corrupted, and that's something different, something nearly impossible to describe.

I guess there’s a world of difference between nearly impossible and outright impossible.

Season 3, Bismuth. These two instances I can’t see as being anything but emotion and shock, both at seeing an old, dearly missed and long-lost friend, and at seeing Steven hurt and said friend in a bubble. No dialogue involved (I mean, besides the BiiiIIIIIIiiismuUuUUUUUth, of course).

But then it really gets interesting.

“I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz, shatter Pink Diamond!”

“No. Rose Quartz would never do that! A-and, sure, she had to fight, but - but she would never shatter someone!”

Season 3, Back to the Moon.

This is of course the one instance everyone and their mother thought back to after Gemcation, and I think the clearest contender for another example of the gag order thing. Garnet’s concern and look shot towards her is also very noticeable. The only issue I could possibly see is that here she’s covering her mouth with her left hand, whereas in Gemcation it was the right, but that’s fairly minor and deals with the specifics of something we really don’t have any knowledge about. But I’d say it’s a pretty fair bet that whatever it is Pearl can’t say has to do with Pink Diamond being shattered (also, interestingly, I checked again while going through the episode transcripts, but Pearl never once says the words ‘Pink Diamond’ out loud, where for example she has no trouble talking about Blue or Diamonds in general in several instances). Whether it was somehow Pearl herself or White Diamond or one of the many, many, many other variants of the whodunnit I’ve seen is still impossible to tell (and I still really really want it to be Rose, but hey).

I’ve seen people suggest that Rose is the one behind the gag order, or that a promise to Rose is stopping Pearl from talking, but the extent to which that flies in the face of everything the Crystal Gems fought for and represent makes me go nope pretty damn hard. It’s enough that after 5000+ years of being away from Homeworld and a free Gem Pearl still has to deal with this clearly very unpleasant (the way her entire body seizes up in Gemcation is just... jeez) reminder and problem, but Rose knowingly exploiting it would just be straight up evil.

“I thought you were going to tell me everything from now on.” “Oh, Steven... We...”

“Does this have anything to do with Pink Diamond? I already know mom shattered her, so what is it about this that you can't tell me?” "Please, you're making Pearl very upset.”

“It's lucky something has some information that I don't have to get out of them!”

Season 4, Steven’s Dream.

I’ve included the whole progression here, from fidgety and increasingly uncomfortable and worried, looking to Garnet for help, to the hands firmly covering her mouth. I really really like this take on the scene by @mandareeboo and my read matches that one pretty well (and I’m generally in the camp that Garnet knows about... whatever this is, and Amethyst probably doesn’t).

The next episode, Adventures in Light Distortion, gave us this scene, which I feel is very relevant now. The long pause does look like Pearl might be trying to think of a way to go on without triggering the gag thing, so we get the very vague and general “... Homeworld”. Instead of, oh, don’t know... White Diamond, perhaps? (I don’t think it was Pink for a number of reasons, some of which I wrote down here, the timeline just doesn’t work out. Also if she’d been Pink Pearl, she would certainly have known the nefarious Zoo better than she does, and would have more than just “seen it [her]self” once or twice.)

Season 4, I Am My Mom. “I get it now. I'm the only one who can stop what she started. I can stop all of it! She wouldn't have wanted this. But I do.”

The final one I’ve found so far, and another one I won’t discuss too much since I think it’s an instance of Pearl being emotional and shocked, though I’ve seen the idea mentioned that she might have wanted to blurt something out to stop Steven from leaving, which, seeing as it’s clearly once again tied into Pink Diamond’s assassination, isn’t that much of a reach.

This might be reaching but what if,,,the white starburst design behind YD and BD in the SDCC poster is actually White, symbolizing her overarching influence? Like initially I found the 'floral design' a little weird in context of homeworld gems, but if WD's actually the case...         

Oh, the white starburst on top definitely stands for WD, and the pink flower looks like (though isn’t identical to, I made a quick comparison here) the ones that grow around the palanquin in Korea and decorate the Zoo - that one stands for PD, that’s pretty deliberate (in the previous SDCC poster, Jasper had that flower on her lapel). They’re posed to correspond with their spots in the Diamond Authority insignia. Whether or not White does have some big overarching influence (and with that... huge... torso ship thing on Homeworld?), or if it all just matches their gem placements and nothing else, or some combination of both... your guess is as good as mine. Yellow and Blue seemed to be pretty equal in what we’ve seen of them so far.

@ayal92 asked:

I don't know how to feel about the gagging scene. On one hand, I think it's exactly what it looks like. On the other hand, Pearls being programmed that way means that Homeworld acknowledge their potential to screw their owners over, which seems very out of character for them. I always thought gems were fine being indiscrete in front of Pearls because they regard them as talking purses...

That’s the thing, though, you don’t even have to think a pearl would run off and spill all your secrets, or even consider her capable of basic disobedience. All that needs to happen is for your would-be political rival or whoever is plotting against you to steal your pearl and make her talk to get the blackmail material or whatever. I think pearls potentially just got “fancy encrypted hard drive” added to their list of horribly objectifying uncomfortable comparisons. Sticking tape over your laptop’s webcam? That kind of thing. Now you can be extra indiscreet and safe in the knowledge of no repercussions ever, no matter where your pearl might be! Hooray! Ick.

I think, personally, I’m leaning towards it being a pearl thing. It just fits with the awful Homeworld attitude in a way that I think really works and makes twisted practical sense. It also kind of reinforces, for me, the fact of just how badly Pearl had everything stacked against her, and she still did all that she did. Man, I don’t know, I just love her to bits.

[thistherapylife]

Hi, I also grew up with an untreated BPD parent. I want to be a counselor but my trauma kind of worries me. This may be personal, but were you in therapy for a while to work through that? You don't have to answer. Also do you have any advice about it? Thanks! Also, love your blog

Heads up - this ask response may be a little hard for folks with BPD to read. It may not. Treat yourself gently. Let me be clear I’m talking about untreated BPD. Suicide/self harm/abuse mentions. This is my personal experience. It’s also the longest answer I’ve ever given so I’m pretty sure that no one will read it!

—-

Hey! Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you enjoy your this blog! It’s really lovely to hear that people like my ramblings. 

You can absolutely be a therapist or a counselor coming from an abusive household or one with major mental illness. There are a lot of us out there. But it means that you need to do some heavy ass work on yourself so that you don’t harm your clients unintentionally. It’s actually good sign that you are concerned about the impact that your history may have.

Having an untreated BPD parent can make for a confusing and disorienting childhood. A lot of the things you are supposed to learn from your parent (in my case my mom) you end not learning because they haven’t learned those skills. My childhood was chaotic and abusive. My mom would do things like get mad at me and leave me place (the grocery store, the bookstore, etc.) from the age of 4 or so, then come back hours later stating that I had “wandered off.” She would tell me things hadn’t happened that had or vice versa. She would say I was overreacting when I was in pain from a chronic illness that she refused (and continues to refuse) to believe was real. Any emotion on my part or expression of desire was taken as an attack on her. She sent me to a really unethical therapist who would disclose what I shared in session so I learned to never share anything and shut it down (hiding a book in the bathroom of her office didn’t hurt). It wasn’t as bad when I was really young because there wasn’t any differentiation or individualization. She began telling me that she was going to kill herself and it was my fault in late elementary school after a supposed slight or rejection. This is the tip of the iceberg really. My way of coping with this was to internalize - everything really was my fault, I really was that horrible and to dissociate  - because that looked like compliance. Become quiet and small and maybe, maybe, I wouldn’t set her off. By the time I was in my teens, I was hospitalized for both suicidality, self-harm and an eating disorder. My treatment team and my custodial parent, along with the courts, decided to bar my mother access to me until I was 18 or unless I initiated contact. 

I was lucky. My other parent had been in therapy, was loving and supportive, consistent and stable, and got to me to all the therapy/psychiatry/doctor/nutritionist appointments that needed. They were able to coordinate with the school to make sure that I was still was able to graduate. I needed those years to grieve for the mom I didn’t have that everyone else seemed to. You may need to do this too. I also had to figure out what the fuck to do with these emotions. I was so angry and hurt all the time. I was so sad and overwhelmed. And I never got that attachment/attunement handbook that you are supposed to get from your parents when I was young so I had to figure it with my other parent, my therapist and my friends. The damage done by my mom (in addition to some other trauma) took my childhood and most of my adolescence so it makes sense that it will take some time to repair. I’ve noticed that most members of our dubious club end up in therapy intermentially. It’ll be important when you first seeing clients so you can see where your stuff pops up.

Now, you’ve made it this far and may you think fuck that sounds like a lot. I promise it’s doable - not necessarily easy but doable. When I went to graduate school, I went thinking I didn’t want to work with anything BPD related. Or teen related. Because I thought it would bring up too much counter transference stuff. It did bring up stuff but it wasn’t too much. I notice it most when I’m working with traumatized teen whose parent is obviously untreated personality disorder. I run the risk of over identification with the client or just unreasonable dislike of the parent. If the parent is involved and CPS has decided they aren’t a danger (whether or not I agree), you gotta work with the parent a little bit because being angry with parent won’t serve the client. I’ve told clients before - don’t mistake my desire for you to get appropriate care and treatment for a lack of anger or outrage that you were/are treated like this but my angry won’t serve you here. Because it won’t. You are going to have to learn what things upset you or that you struggle with. 

BUT you may have some skills in childhood that will work really well for you as a therapist. I’m really good at reading people and engaging emotions, because that skill was necessary to my survival. I can tell when a client will escalate and will usually be able de-escalate if we have an established relationship, because I used to have to manage my mom’s moods. I’m very good at boundaries because I need/ed them with my mom. I know how scary it is not to know what’s going on, so I am clear and explain what’s going on to my clients, checking in to gauge understanding and adapting to their feedback. Some therapists (especially newer ones) can have trouble separating themselves and the client’s outcome or feel bad when a client isn’t doing well. I don’t.  It’s what I love about therapy - it’s not about me. I’m super interested in knowing if something in the therapy is not working but clients are going to do their own thing. They are going to get mad at you or feel love or lust or like they want you to be their parent. But I don’t freak out about it. I deal with it appropriately, in session. Because I have a very defined sense of self that is outside of my identity as a therapist. 

I’m also very hard to read a lot of the time in session - pleasant, interested and engaged but my emotions, my countertransference are pretty hidden (another skill learned in childhood). It gives me so much versatility - I can really weigh whether or not modeling or expression emotion will help the client; whether what just happened in session needs to stop (most common - the case with language directed towards me) because it’s inappropriate or if we just need to talk about it; I can assess whether it’s my stuff coming up or not. Most importantly for the work I do? That neutrality makes me VERY calm in crisis situations. The client has big emotions? Okay. I’m not going to lose my shit. Client is dissociative? Okay. I can contain them. If it’s really intense, in the moment, I am calm and supportive, non excitable and enforce good boundaries and safety. If I’m going to freak the fuck out, it’s not going to be in the room. I may lose my shit in the car ride home or on the phone with my supervisor or with my partner. But if I did that in the room, it would be so unsafe for the client. Most of them have never had the experience of being well held in their emotions and I have that on lockdown. 

My experience prior to graduate school was that having BPD meant that you were going to be dangerous to me. That a relationship with someone with BPD would be intrinsically harmful for me. It’s not true though. I need boundaries sure. But people are people. You don’t develop BPD for a good laugh. It is birthed from survival and pain. And I can appreciate it and see that living with BPD is so fucking hard. And the people who are coming to my office for help, are struggling and in pain. I can see that in a way I never have been able to before. Interacting with people getting treatment for BPD and reading some of the stuff on tumblr has given me a much more nuanced, more adult view. So now I have empathy for what my mom experienced that meant she ended up the way she did. I’m sorry whatever happened, happened to her. 

But I can also hold that she was abusive, but not all people with BPD are. I have compassion the self that held a childish view of BPD = abusive because it was keeping me alive but that no longer serves me. I know it’s a distortion based on my history.  I also don’t want a relationship with her because she is toxic and will continue to be toxic if I let her into my life. We have transactional relationship around a specific series of issues that we’ll be managing until everyone is involved is an adult. I don’t have feelings towards her - I don’t feel affection or safety. When I’m scared or sad, I don’t want to call her. I didn’t tell her that I was having a major surgery until 30 minutes pre-op, because I knew that I didn’t want to deal with fall out if I didn’t. I called my other parent, my step dad and my partner when I was freaking out before surgery. I don’t feel anger anymore most of the time towards. I’ve been able to mitigate her damaging effect on other. I have a number of “moms” and mentors in my life to fill that role. I struggle with the idea that she’s a “bad person,” because I know she developed these skills to live. But I can see how my childhood/adolescence abuse put me in a position where I was victimized by others.  But I also know that she was abusive and I will not allow to happen to me anymore.

TLDR; yes you can. Go to therapy. Figure out what shit is going to come up for you. Don’t be surprised when it does and take care of yourself with your friends/family or therapist/supervisor/mentor. Journal or find your own way to explore your patterns. Learn to cultivate a diversity of relationships. Remember you can ask for help and not be ashamed about it. It’s possible. I promise. If you do the work. If you have any more specific questions - hit me up off anon.