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thecoleopterawithana · 5 years ago

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Your quote: "So perhaps, when in 1989 Paul asks “Did I ever take you in my arms, look you in the eye, tell you that I do” the part that he “never did” was the latter"( with John according to your perspective??)--I saw a video where Paul says he's talking about how the workaday life meant he sometimes took marriage and Linda for granted--like we all do our spouses at times--and that was why he wrote that song. Your take please? Respectfully inquiring--thanks!

Hello, anon dear. Thanks so much for your respectful request! Especially considering that every opportunity I get to talk about “This One” is a personal pleasure.

I believe the video you were referring to is this one (eheh), where correspondent Bernard Goldberg interviews Paul for the TV series 48 Hours. The episode follows part of The Paul McCartney World Tour, which marked not only his first major tour outing in ten years, but also the first time in his solo career that a substantial number of Beatles songs were included in the setlist.

Paul is asked about “This One” near the 8:30 mark of the first video and his answer continues in the second part.

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Here is a transcription of the segment in question:

Q: Let me ask you about one of the new songs, “This One”. Is it about a marriage?

Paul: A relationship, yeah.

Q: And about, not expressing emotions and feelings?

[Paul performing “This One”]

Paul: You get those moments, sort of late at night or when you’re feeling good and you think, “Oh, you know, it’d be great to kind of— I hope I tell her I love her enough, and all that.” And then come the morning, when you’ve got to get off to the office and it’s [yawns] “Okay, goodbye, love you!”, and so on. And, you know, life’s like that. And there’s never kind of enough time to— If you like your parents for instance, to tell them, “God, just what you meant to me.”

[Paul performing “This One”]

Paul: You always think, “Well, I’m saving it up. I’ll tell ‘em one day.” And what happens with a lot of people is— Something like John, for instance, getting back to that subject. He died.

I was lucky. The last few wee— months that he was alive, we’d managed to get our relationship back on track. And we were talking and having real good conversations. Real nice and friendly. But George, actually, didn’t, I don’t think, get his relationship right. They were arguing right up to the end. Which I’m sure is a source of great sadness to him. And I’m sure, in the feeling of this song, that George was always planning to tell John he loved him. But time ran out. And that’s what the song is about. There never could be a better moment than this one, you know, now. Take this moment to say, [hesitates] “I love you.” [Laughs] It’s not quite the same.

Now, about your question. I take you were wondering why in the post you quoted me on I used an excerpt of this song to hypothesize about a facet of Paul and John’s relationship.

Allow me to begin by saying that, as the wonderful @amoralto pointed out in the aforementioned post, one should be cautious about what kind of information we’re extracting from an art form like songs. The sources of inspiration can be multiple, and the exact meaning of the piece elusive even to its author. So it’s probably best to be prudent about taking the lyrics too literally or extrapolating the entire song as to be about a single situation/person.

Nevertheless, there are still certain patterns and themes that keep emerging, and I am curious about examining those. And being songs one of the places where they more openly communicated and truly laid bare their feelings, I believe the tumble down the rabbit hole of speculation might be worth it, just to see what we may find there.

As Paul put it:

The idea is that what I’ll leave behind me will be music, and I may not be able to tell you everything I feel, but you’ll be able to feel it when you listen to my music. I won’t have the time or the articulation to be able to say it all, but if you enjoy composing you say it through the notes.

Of course, John also said:

When Paul and I write a song, we try and take hold of something we believe in – a truth. We can never communicate 100 per cent of what we feel, but if we can convey just a fraction, we have achieved something. We try to give people a feeling – they don’t have to understand the music if they can just feel the emotion. This is half the reason the fans don’t understand, but they experience what we are trying to tell them.

So maybe we can experience the emotion they infused the song with, but not always be able to understand the circumstances that gave rise to it in their own lives.

To find that last crucial piece of the puzzle, one has to truly contextualise the song. And that’s where all the other more tangible sources of information come in, such as quotes and timelines.

Of course, drawing conclusions from any kind of data is, in itself, an interpretation. And an inescapably personal one at that.

The only way to approximate objectivity is through critical thinking and emotional intelligence. Continuously question your own assumptions and those of others, and don’t be attached to any one answer. Be willing to change your views based on new information and be open to considering new perspectives. I find that input from others is invaluable in drawing my attention to an angle I’d previously missed. For if our personal experiences sometimes blind us to certain facets of the subject we’re examining, they also give us a more intimate understanding of other sides of it, as we’ve walked in those same shoes before and know precisely what it feels like.

What I essentially mean with this disclaimer is that this is my current interpretation of the information. And my answers are usually so slow and long (my apologies) because I try to provide the data so that you can draw your own conclusions.

That settled, here is how I interpret Paul’s explication of “This One”.

The interviewer begins by asking if the song is about a marriage and Paul sightly corrects him that it’s about a relationship.

Then Goldberg posits his theory regarding the theme: “not expressing emotions and feelings.” And Paul goes on to explain, in his usual inclusive and generalising fashion:

You get those moments, sort of late at night or when you’re feeling good and you think, “Oh, you know, it’d be great to kind of— I hope I tell her I love her enough, and all that.” And then come the morning, when you’ve got to get off to the office and it’s [yawns] “Okay, goodbye, love you!”, and so on.

He uses the second person to emphasize how the reporter must share his feelings — ‘you know what I mean, right?’ — thus making his experiences not only more relatable and perceivable, but it also slightly removes the focus from himself. You put it best when you said, “like we all do […] at times.”

He does start by giving the example of an apparently marital routine. And though it could have been chosen as something the interviewer would more quickly relate to, it may also be that he had difficulty “expressing emotions and feelings” in his marriage with Linda. He has spoken of such hurdles in his relationship with Nancy, which he expressed in his 2013 hidden track “Scared”.

Well, I’m just like anybody else, man! You know? You get those moments. I don’t normally write about them; but it’s a good thing to use. I was feeling it, as well. I was newly in love with Nancy, and I was finding it a little difficult to say, ‘I love you.’ Number one, I’m a guy, and that’s a big excuse, I know, but it is a bit true to form…

— Paul McCartney, interview with Miranda Sawyer for The Guardian (13 October 2013).

So I slightly disagree with your assessment that the song is about “how the workaday life meant he sometimes took marriage and Linda for granted”. I don’t think he took his relationship with Linda for granted as much as he was unable to openly express how much it meant to him. He got inundated by “those moments” of love and appreciation, but then kind of used the hustle and bustle of everyday life as an excuse not to dwell on the discomfort of having to confess them.

I think it’s perhaps more accurate to say that the matter of “expressing emotions and feelings”, particularly actually saying “I love you”, is something that Paul has struggled with all his life and pervaded most of his relationships.

He even goes on to give the example of his parents, and how he wished he’d tell them, “God, just what you meant to me.” Which is a similar phrasing to the one he uses in “Scared”, more than two decades later:

I’m scared to say I love you / Afraid to let you know / That the simplest of words won’t come out of my mouth / Though I’m dying to let them go / Trying to let you know […]I’m still too scared to tell you / Afraid to let you see / That the simplest of words won’t come out of my mouth / Though I’m dying to set them free / Trying to let you see, how much it means to me / How much you mean to me / How much you mean to me now

But the relationship in which this theme of not expressing emotions and feelings seems most stark, at least as Paul expressed it publicly and in his music, is in his relationship with John.

He puts it quite plainly in another quote about “Scared”:

Paul: You can actually say, “I love you,” to someone, but it’s quite hard. And so that’s why it’s usually easier when you’re a bit drunk. It’s like ‘Here Today’ [on 1982’s Tug of War], which was for John, and there is the line, (sings) “Du du du du du du du, I love you,” and it is a bit of a moment in the song. It would be a bit like Keith Richards saying to Mick, “I love you.” I mean he does, but I’m not sure he’s going to say it. I’m sure the Gallaghers love each other on some level, probably quite deeply, but that certainly isn’t going to get said soon. I think it’s quite an interesting subject and I felt it most recently with [wife] Nancy, I knew I loved her but to actually say, “I love you,” you know, it’s just not that easy.

— Paul McCartney, interview with Pat Gilbert for MOJO (November 2013).

Note that even here, in a quote about a song he wrote for Nancy, he harkens back to his experiences with having difficulty saying “I love you” to John.

Paul even mentions that it’s easier to do it “when you’re a bit drunk” — I want to tell her that I love her a lot / But I gotta get a bellyful of wine — which seems to be a reference to “the night we cried”. That night in Key West in 1964 was an “important emotional landmark”, not only because they exposed themselves emotionally by crying, but they also may have actually said the big ‘I Love You’.

One night, we got pretty drunk and argued and laughed, and it ended up us both crying, because it was, you know at the height of your drunkenness, when you’re all, “Hey man, I love you, man. No, I love you, man.” That was probably the only time we just got that kind of intimate with each other. It’s a male machismo embarrassment thing. I mean, you might say to a girl, “I love you”, but in my case, within the group, The Beatles, it would have been difficult, even though we all did love each other. You just all had to be guys to the full. We were all rough, tough cream puffs.

— Paul McCartney, interview with the Daily Mail (4 June 2016).

He attributes his difficulty to a “male machismo embarrassment thing”, and that he could say “I love you” to a girl but not to his mates. But in his 2013 interview for The Guardian, he also points to the fact that he is a guy to explain his difficulties verbally expressing his love Nancy.

But adding to the “stiff upper lip” imposed on northern lads, Paul himself is especially guarded about his feelings:

It’s funny because just in real life, I find that a challenge. I like to sort of, not give too much away. Like you said, I’m quite private. Why should people, know my innermost thoughts? That’s for me, they’re innermost. But in a song, that’s where you can do it. That’s the place to put them. You can start to reveal truths and feelings. You know, like in ‘Here Today’ where I’m saying to John “I love you”. I couldn’t have said that, really, to him. But you find, I think, that you can put these emotions and these deeper truths – and sometimes awkward truths; I was scared to say “I love you”. So that’s one of the things that I like about songs.

— Paul McCartney, on the challenge of giving too much of himself away when writing meaningful and truthful songs. Asked by Simon Pegg and interviewed by John Wilson for BBC 4’s Mastertapes (24 May 2016).

More than the pleasure associated with creating something out of nothing — “songwriting is like sex” — music also offers the utter relief of unburdening Paul of his feelings, which he finds great difficulty in exorcising in a more direct way:

Songwriting is like psychiatry; you sit down and dredge up something that’s inside, bring it out front. And I just had to be real and say, John, I love you. I think being able to say things like that in songs can keep you sane.

— Paul McCartney, interview with Robert Palmer for the New York Times (25 April 1982).

There was an inescapable need to come out, be real, and say to John, “I love you”; even if he has to “write it to the great record player in the sky”.

Because more than speaking of a fear of expressing emotions and feelings in Paul’s day to day life — like in “Scared” — “This One” is clearly about the regret of doing it too late:

[L]ife’s like that. And there’s never kind of enough time to— […] You always think, “Well, I’m saving it up. I’ll tell ‘em one day.” And what happens with a lot of people is— Something like John, for instance, getting back to that subject. He died. […] And I’m sure, in the feeling of this song, that George was always planning to tell John he loved him. But time ran out. And that’s what the song is about. There never could be a better moment than this one, you know, now. Take this moment to say, [hesitates] “I love you.” [Laughs] It’s not quite the same.

Even with his usual emotional distancing by projecting onto George and using “we” instead of “I”, Paul plainly explains the song is about cautioning people to take this moment to say “I love you”, at the risk of having time ran out on them as it happened with him and John.

And one can see how determined Paul is to get this message spread, as he often reiterates it when introducing “Here Today” in concerts — a song written in part out of his need to clearly say “I love you” to John — a frequent presence in his live performances for the last 20 year.

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Paul McCartney’s One on One World Tour in Detroit, Michigan, at Little Caesars Arena on October 2, 2017.

Paul: One of the other things I say on our shows is that sometimes you want to say something really nice to someone, or pay them a compliment, or you feel a bit shy and a bit embarrassed, so you think, “Ah, I’ll say it tomorrow.” You put it off to another day. You know, you can put it off. And sometimes that’s too late; you’re too late. I wrote this next song after my dear friend John who passed away. Let’s hear it for John! And you know, when you’re kids, particularly — I mean, when we first started the Beatles we were in our early twenties, kind of thing — and you’re a bunch of guys, up in Liverpool at that time… There’s no way you’re gonna say to each other, “Hey, I love you, man.” It just didn’t happen, you know. You just didn’t say things. But you know, when [unintelligeable] we didn’t say it, so when John died, you know, I wanted to kind of say it somehow. So this next song is in the form of a conversation we didn’t get to have.

The fact that Paul has often connected the theme of not verbally expressing his feelings, and in particular of being too late to do it, to his relationship with John, is what led me use “This One”, in that post and in others, as an expression of that dynamic between them.

In the post you quoted me on in specific, I say that perhaps the part that they “never did” was outright “tell” each other “that I do [love you]”, given that they have embraced — “take you in my arms” — and made intense eye contact — “look you in the eye.”

The song is basically a love song – did I ever say I love you? And if I didn’t it’s because I was waiting for a better moment… ‘There could never be a better moment than this one…

— Paul McCartney, in “Club Sandwich 52, Summer 1989″.

Paul goes on to repeat this sentiment of emotional frankness in the rest of the verse: “Did I ever open up my heart / Let you look inside?” A phrase that, in my opinion, so aptly encapsulates the issues Paul brought to the relationship, that I use it as a title for Paul-centered posts in the Don’t Let Me Down | Trust Issues series.

But to be honest, the thing that really convinced me that song was about him and John, was a moment in this session:

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After singing the lines “Did I ever touch you on the cheek / Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile”, Paul mimics one of John’s characteristic smiles, as the wonderful @vairemelde illustrated in this post.

With all that said, it appears that all there is to do is to appreciate this wonderful piece of music.

Did I ever take you in my arms, / Look you in the eye, tell you that I do, / Did I ever open up my heart / Let you look inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

Did I ever touch you on the cheek / Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile, / Did I ever knock upon your door / And try to get inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

What opportunities did we allow to flow by / Feeling like the time it wasn’t quite right? / What kind of magic might have worked if we had stayed calm, / Couldn’t I have given you a better life?

Did you ever take me in your arms / Look me in the eye tell me that you do? / Did I ever open up my heart, / Let you look inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

Tangents

I’m Scared To Say I Love You

What About The Night We Cried

Did I Ever Take You In My Arms

The Surrealist

#asks me why #This One #For you were in my song #Did I Ever open up my heart and let you look inside?#look you in the eye #Scared #Here Today #her majesty #Songwriting is like psychiatry #'i love you'#what about the night we cried?#the person i actually picked as my partner #macca #johnny #Linda #Nancy #solo #meta #my stuff

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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766

My dad is starting to gear me up for ~adult life~ and has made me start a Paypal, a social security number, and all that jazz and it’s making me immensely anxious, so expect more surveys than usual in the next few days lmao.

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? Not frequent at all. I’ll read only if I have to; and when it comes to reading for leisure, I’ll only reread books I’ve already read in the past. I find it sad considering how big of a bookworm I was as a kid. When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? Right now, what with the Covid crisis. My life would have been mapped out ever so neatly if my life’s schedule went as expected - finish the sem, finish my thesis, graduate, travel for a bit, get a job. Now that that has been thrown out the window I essentially have to start from scratch and go into the world blind. And if you've been reading my surveys, you’ll know my least favorite thing to have to deal with is big change. Would you say that your personal views align with society's, generally? Not the society I have no choice but to be surrounded by, which is mostly Catholic, homophobic, sexist, and just very backwards in general. But when it comes to people I voluntarily choose to be with, like the friends I make and the people I follow on social media, I make sure their views are as liberal as mine so I don’t go completely crazy. ^ If not, in what ways do your opinions drastically differ? I just said it, but yeah Filipinos continue to be very resistant to more open-minded, modern views. Girls will still often be told to cover up, religions other than Christianity are viewed as wrong and of lower status, abortion is the most scandalous thing a woman could do, drug addicts must be handled with bullets and not rehab, etc. Basically everything you can roll your eyes over, that’s what Filipinos will tend to side with; and it’s very difficult to want to have your voice heard here because you will be ridiculed and thrown Bible verses instead of legit arguments. What small things have the ability to get under your skin? People who only start picking their orders once they’re the ones at the cashier, drivers who do have their turn signal on but will go THE OTHER DIRECTION, finding out there’s a car accident and I find out traffic has been building up only because drivers slow down to look at the crash site. The last one makes me especially mad every time it happens lol.

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? I haven’t been upset with anyone in a while. If I’m upset these days, blame it on the weather. ^ Have you made up with that individual yet, or will you ever? I will never be ok with the summer climate over here. What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? Hearing a favorite song on the radio as I’m driving, hitting all the green lights while driving, finding a parking spot near the mall entrance... man I really miss going out :(( What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? Water. What was the last big change through which you went? It hasn’t happened yet but I’ll be graduating and will officially be done with school forever in a few weeks. I mean, that’s the case unless I decide to take up a master’s but honestly the chances of that are super blurry as I’m over school at this point. ^ Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? I am honestly terrible at it and as much as I’m excited to get my first real job, I’m also scared to see how my adjustment pans out. I’ve had a pattern for not being able to adapt well to a new phase – I didn’t adjust in high school until my junior year, and I didn’t adjust in college until the latter half of my sophomore year. I really wish the trend doesn’t continue in the workplace because I can’t handle another mental slump. How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? I feel nothing? I mean I need the internet to do almost everything so it’s just become a part of daily routine; it’s normalized already. I would tend to feel some shame if I’ve been unproductive online when I could’ve been doing much more important stuff, but I’ve been avoiding that - I’ve been working on my thesis again, working on stuff for my org, participating in my other extracurriculars, etc. I feel relatively productive given the current circumstances. What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? Like I said, I’m terrible with change. It takes forever for me to warm up to new conditions, and in that period I tend to feel very alone and miserable. I don’t know why I’ve never learned to just get out and make friends earlier. What do you consider the best part of being who you are? ^ Related to said drawback, once I have adjusted to the change, I do very well. I make lots of friends and am back to being my bubbly, social self. I just wish She could come out more easily. What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? Several Audrey Hepburn frames, a couple of paintings, and a poster of a Korean actor. What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? I think more than anything you’ll see how my interests have shifted over the years haha. There’s tons of old WWE magazines, Paramore albums, Beyoncé albums and DVDs, crafty stuff like painting sets and coloring books, etc. When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? Half hour ago when my dad was encouraging me to register for a bunch of grownup stuff. He doesn’t pester me a lot in small bits everyday (which I would really prefer); he’s more of a I’ll-dump-all-this-shit-on-you-in-one-go kind of person, which pressures me even more. I mean I’m excited for this new chapter but I wish he didn’t tell me to start a bank account and a Paypal and a social security number and a TIN all at the same time. What is something about which you are very confident or self-assured? I pride myself on being a good worker/co-worker. Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? No. Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfit you? Sure, it makes me feel at peace. When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? Andrew did a buuuunch of progress on our thesis this afternoon after a few days of passive-aggressively telling him that I’ve been doing all the work in the last week. How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? I don’t want to take a lot of time since I’m usually on a tight schedule but I do put enough effort to look and smell nice, if that makes sense. Like I wouldn’t take hours to do my makeup and put up an intricate hairdo, but I will still make sure I don’t exit the house looking shabby. Are there any foods you eat daily? . . . Or wish you could? I have rice and some sort of meat everyday. When was the last time someone new entered your life? Start of the semester when we had a new wave of applicants joining our org. ^ What was your first impression of that individual? They all seemed nice and fun to be around, and I’m glad their batch has had amazing chemistry from the get-go. But because of the lockdown I never got to know them all that well so I’m a little sad about it, since I’m already graduating. Do you put much thought into your handwriting? No? It’s not really something I can control anyway haha. What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? Ugh I’ve talked about this so much on here that it’s almost stupid because I take these surveys to begin with to distract myself from my current anxieties only for the surveys to ask about said anxieties ksksksks. Can I say pass for now? Lol In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? They’re nice, and it feels good to have a person you can share everything to, be affectionate with, who supports you in everything, etc. I’ve been used to being in one for so long now I honestly can’t imagine being single. Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? As if I haven’t talked about it on this single survey enough, anxiety. Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? It depends on how bad is the thing they’re grieving and how accepting they are of help. I don’t know if I’m capable of talking to someone who has lost a parent, but I’ll be able to talk to a friend who’s going through a breakup. Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? No. I can give compliments, but I’m unable to take them. When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? Earlier this afternoon when my dad made me make a Paypal hahaha. Skskss plz stop reminding me of scary things Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? A little bit of both. I want to look nice, but I also make sure I keep up with the trends so others think I look nice. What kinds of things tend to stress you out? The stuff I’ve mentioned throughout this survey... What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? I watch videos, I eat whatever I’m craving, I talk about it with my girlfriend, I hug my dog... I have a lot of coping mechanisms.

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? My mom tells me so many insults on a regular basis I can put each one of them in a spinning wheel and give you whatever comes out lol. Name a site that takes up a lot of your time? YouTube. What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? That money was easy to acquire. It was certainly so easy to fantasize about as a kid. What is a lesson you have recently learned? I don’t recall picking up anything new lately. Realizations, sure; but I’m not sure about lessons. Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? Sometimes. When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? A weekend before the quarantine. I bought a couple of new tops. When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? 10-15 minutes tops. I just pick out whatever looks pretty. What is something fun you have done within the past week? It’s been a horrid week. I can’t answer this question. What is something you hope you never have to do again? Stay at home with nothing to do for this long. How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? It makes me feel happy and at peace.

#survey #surveys

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lastbluetardis · 6 years ago

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Family of Six (4/14)

After James and Rose bring their newborn twins home, they work to find a balance between all four of their children, and each other. Ten x Rose AU, Soulmates AU.

This chapter: Explicit, 8500 words

Ages of the Tyler-McCrimmons at the start of the chapter: James: 39, Rose: 33, Ainsley: 9, Sianin: 5, Twins: 2 weeks

If you like reading my stories, consider leaving me a tip? Or leave a reply on this post to tell me what you thought? And as always, reblogs are very much appreciated so more people can see this.

Chapters will be posted every other week — next update: August 20th

AO3 | TSP | FF | Perfectly Matched Series

Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11 | Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14

The family settled into a routine almost seamlessly. Rose loved that James was able to take so much time off to help with their kids; it created one less stressor in their life, knowing that he wasn’t on a strict schedule to get to work on time.

More often than not, they were already awake and caring for the twins by the time Ainsley and Sianin needed to be up for school. Sometimes they both would get their eldest children ready in the morning, and sometimes they would trade off who did it, allowing the other to get a little more rest.

“Am I so sleep-deprived that I’ve passed the point of being tired and am now in a state of false-awakeness instead?” Rose asked one morning as she finished changing the twins.

“Probably.” The dark circles of exhaustion under James’s eyes were just as deep as hers.

“I don’t remember feeling this good after Ainsley or Sianin,” Rose said. “Babies are hard, so twins should be harder. But these two… they’re so easy.”

“Oi, don’t jinx it!” After a beat, he said, “I don’t think we can accurately compare Hannah and Maddie to Ainsley or Sianin’s infancy. Ainsley was our first, so there was a huge learning curve. Everything was brand-new and scary and we had to figure out this whole new world of parenthood. And then after Sianin was born… neither of us was in a good mental place, which did us no favors.”

“Either way, I feel amazing, James,” she said. “I’m not sad or angry or negative. And best of all, my lady bits don’t hurt anymore! Which is weird—I’d expected to be sore for longer since I pushed out two babies. But it’s like my vag is all back to normal.”

He smiled at her, the expression warming her to her very core.

“I’m very glad to hear that,” he said, stepping up to press a kiss to her cheek. “All of it.”

She turned her head and caught his lips head-on. He was still grinning, making her smile too, thus turning the kiss into more of a lip press instead. Nevertheless, she enjoyed it and draped her arms around his shoulders, holding her husband close to her. God, she loved him.

“Can I do the school run today?” she murmured, pecking short kisses across his lips.

“If you want,” he answered, trying to reciprocate her kisses.

“I do. I’d like to get out of the house for a bit.”

“Then the shower is all yours,” he said, pulling back. He gestured to their bathroom, bowing theatrically.

“You nutter,” she said, rolling her eyes.

He beamed and waggled his eyebrows, then exited their bedroom to attend to Ainsley and Sianin.

In the time it took Rose to shower and dress, James got their eldest children ready for school. They had their uniform and shoes on, and were finishing up their cereal when she stepped into the kitchen.

Rose found that she enjoyed the school run more than usual ever since the twins were born. She relished that she could be alone with Ainsley and Sianin without listening for the sounds of a distressed baby.

During the car ride, Ainsley and Sianin prattled on about school and their friends.

“William’s mums are having another baby!” Ainsley squealed.

“That’s exciting,” Rose commented, smiling at her daughter through the rearview mirror.

“Yeah! William said it’s due in August, I think,” Ainsley said. “He’s hoping for a little sister this time; his brother wants another brother.”

“Um, his mummies are both girls. How are they having a baby?” Sianin asked blankly.

“Someone else is pregnant and having the baby for them,” Ainsley answered. Then her expression turned thoughtful. “Though I suppose they could’ve used a sperm donor or something, right Mum?”

“Some people choose adoption or surrogacy instead of carrying out a pregnancy themselves,” Rose said. “It’s their own personal decision. No matter how it happens, it’s exciting that William’s family is growing, just like ours did.”

“Hope they don’t get twins,” Sianin muttered under her breath.

“Shut up, Hannah and Maddie are great!”

“Don’t tell her to shut up, Ains. She has every right to her opinion as you do.”

Sianin stuck her tongue out at her sister.

The kids stopped bickering when Rose reminded them of the party that weekend for Sianin’s birthday. They were eager to see their extended family, and Sianin was excited to have some of her friends over.

Finally, Rose parked in front of the school and stepped out with her daughters. She scooped them in for a hug and kiss, then watched them for as long as was polite before driving away and letting the lengthening queue of parents drop their kids off.

“Want a coffee?” Rose wrote on her wrist when she pulled into the car park of a nearby café.

She dawdled, collecting her purse slowly to give James enough time to see her message and reply. As she stepped into the shop and joined the short line of people, he’d written back. I just made a pot. Thanks though xoxo.

“Bummer. Next time. I’ll be home in twenty.”

“Ma’am, can I help you?”

Rose glanced up and saw she was next. “Sorry. Can I have a vanilla latte? And a blueberry muffin? Thanks.”

She got her order, then went back to her car, where she ate her muffin and drank half her latte on the drive home.

The house was quiet when she arrived. She slipped her shoes off by the front door, then dumped her keys into the dish before heading towards the kitchen. She peered into the living room as she passed; Hannah was fast asleep in her cot. The other was empty, but when she entered the kitchen, she saw Maddie safely ensconced in her father’s arms.

Rose’s heart tripped through a few beats as she observed her husband. He was shirtless and facing away from her. She watched the muscles of his back flex as he loaded the dishwasher one-handedly. His other arm was wrapped snugly around their baby, who had her face tucked into James’s neck. His pajama bottoms were slung low on his hips, giving her a tantalizing view of the dimples at the bottom of his spine.

“There’s a proper way and an improper way to load the dishwasher.” James’s voice was quiet and soothing as he spoke to their baby. “Because if you throw it all in, willy-nilly, you won’t fit as much in there. But if you pack everything in nice and tight, you can get through all the dirty dishes in one go. It’s like a game of Tetris.”

“Starting ‘em young with the chores, are we?” Rose asked, sauntering into the kitchen.

James straightened, turned, and then beamed.

“Well, it’s never too early to start teaching responsibility,” he said. “Maddie has been such a big helper. Haven’t you, darling? Haven’t you been Daddy’s great big helper?”

Maddie let out a snort and a sigh before settling back into his arms. James brushed a kiss to the baby’s forehead.

“How were they?” Rose asked, stepping up to James. She draped an arm around his hips and rested her cheek against his shoulder to better look at Maddie. Pathetic though it was, Rose could spend hours simply watching her beautiful baby do nothing more than sleep. Moments like this left her in awe that she and James created an entire human being together. Four entire human beings, no less.

“Wonderful,” James said. “Miss Maddie hasn’t made a peep. But I felt bad because I spent twenty minutes holding Hannah when she fussed while trying to take a poo, so after Hannah fell asleep, Maddie and I came in here to clean up from breakfast.”

Rose frowned at her sleeping daughter. She raised a hand and rubbed it up and down Maddie’s back. The baby wriggled a bit and turned her head until the opposite cheek was pressed to James’s shoulder.

“She doesn’t cry,” Rose murmured, feathering her fingers through the downy hair on Maddie’s head.

“Sure she does.”

“Not really. She whimpers a bit. But she very rarely goes into a proper wailing fit,” Rose said. “And if she does, she quiets quickly ‘cos more often than not, she just wants to be held.”

James’s brows furrowed. “Don’t most parents rejoice that their newborn is quiet?”

Rose shrugged. “I don’t want there to be anything wrong with her, is all. I mean… she looks healthy, and she’s eating and weeing and pooing. But I dunno. She’s really calm for a newborn.”

“We can bring it up at their one-month appointment,” James said. “Or we can schedule something sooner if she starts presenting worrying symptoms. You’re not worried, are you? Or have some sort of mother’s intuition that something’s wrong?”

“No, no,” Rose assured. “It’s just… odd. As I said this morning, I thought having twins would be exhausting and difficult. But really, it’s no more difficult than if we’d only had one.”

James nodded and leaned over to peck a kiss to Rose’s forehead. She reached up and cupped the back of his neck to hold him in place for a proper kiss.

But a moment later, they caught the unmistakable scent of a dirty nappy.

“I’ll change her,” Rose said, watching the baby’s face scrunch and relax.

When it appeared as though Maddie was finished, Rose took her from James, being careful not to squish the baby’s bum and smear around whatever happened to be inside the nappy.

She got the baby cleaned and changed in minutes, then after a few cuddles and kisses and proclamations of her undying love, Rose walked back to the living room and set the baby in her bassinet. She draped a blanket over her daughter, then checked on her other baby. After popping the fallen dummy back into Hannah’s mouth, she joined James in the kitchen.

He was standing at the sink, staring out the window as he finished up his coffee.

Rose stepped up behind him and wrapped her arms around his middle, tucking her face into his back. He dropped a hand and covered hers, stroking the curve of her wrist with his thumb.

First kissing the mole centered between his shoulder blades, Rose trailed her lips in long, slow lines across the planes of his back.

“I approve of your decision to not wear a shirt,” she mumbled into his skin. Her mouth hopped from freckle to freckle, dotting each one with a kiss. “You should go shirtless more often.”

“I aim to please.” He gulped down the remainder of his coffee then set the mug in the sink before spinning in her arms. Rose dropped her arms from around him, but stayed close in his personal space. “Though really, I was just about to hop in the shower when Hannah started crying.”

“You should’ve said you were trying to impress me,” Rose said dryly.

“Why should I have to do that? I know how impressive I am. And so do you.” He waggled his eyebrows at her.

Rose rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but sneak a peek at him. His broad chest. His subtly-sculpted shoulders and pecs. His undefined yet firm abdomen. The way his hip bones jutted up from beneath the waistband of his pajama bottoms. He was the most beautiful man she’d ever seen.

James noticed her wandering gaze and had an insufferably smug smirk on his face.

“Well,” Rose drawled, “I suppose you’re perfectly adequate.”

“Perfectly adequate, my arse.”

“Your arse is also perfectly adequate,” Rose said, reaching down to pinch it lightly.

He squeaked and jumped.

“What’s gotten into you this morning?” James asked, his eyes wide. “Not that I’m complaining. Far from it.”

“I told you. You look sexy without a shirt on.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed for a second and his eyes darted down to her mouth. She reached out and rested her hands at his waist, caressing her thumbs across his hipbones, then trailed her fingertips up his ribs until her hands rested on his chest. His heart thumped solidly beneath her palm. Goosebumps prickled across his skin and puckered his nipples.

He, meanwhile, placed his hands at her lower back and kept them there. His pupils were slightly dilated and his tongue darted out to moisten his lips. The overhead lights shone invitingly against his bottom lip, and she bit hers in response. His gaze dropped to her mouth.

“Rose,” he croaked. The rawness of his voice sent a shiver down her spine.

“Just admiring the view.” She slid her hands farther up his chest until she could grip the tops of his shoulders, then she tugged him down.

His breath escaped him in a sigh when their lips met. It was a soft, sweet thing, but nevertheless, it sent butterflies through Rose’s stomach. She cradled James’s cheek in her hand; the muscles of his jaw flexed ever so slightly as his mouth parted and closed with the familiar catch-and-release rhythm of his kisses.

When her tongue darted out to trace across his bottom lip, his mouth fell open in invitation. He hummed when she slid her tongue against his, then curled it to flick against the roof of his mouth and the backs of his teeth.

He allowed her to control the kiss, to set and keep the pace. She kept one hand to James’s face and let the other skate down his chest and belly to brush curiously against the front of his pajama bottoms. He was half hard and his hips twitched minutely. Reading his cue, she opened her palm and rested it against his burgeoning erection.

“Want me to…?” she asked, caressing her thumb absently against him through his pajama bottoms.

“Only if you want to,” he replied, slightly breathless. “If not, I can take care of it in the shower.”

“And deprive me of the opportunity to touch my husband? Don’t you dare.”

He snorted out a laugh, but it died on a groan when she wrapped her hand around his clothed erection. She coupled gentle squeezes with nips to his bottom lip, gradually working him up until he was fully hard. His erection poked his pajama bottoms out cartoonishly, and Rose smiled to herself as she readjusted him. She guided his cock to point up at his belly, and she slipped his trousers down an inch, just low enough that the head barely peeked out of the waistband.

She circled her fingertip across the bright red tip of him, watching a bead of moisture well up then drip down, soaking into the fabric of the waistband.

“Having fun?” he rasped.

“Of course.” She grinned at him.

“Bed- bedroom?”

“Not necessary. We’re alone. Last I looked, two-week-old babies are fairly sedentary, so there’s no fear of them walking in on us. And they have no idea what sex is—or anything, for that matter—so you don’t need to concern yourself with being quiet. Well, unless you wake them up. Would be a shame if we had to stop in the middle of this, eh?”

James rolled his eyes at her and arched his hips impatiently into her hand, which was still tracing tiny circles around the head of his erection just to coax more beads of moisture from the tip.

“Please?” he asked. “Can you touch me? Properly?”

She nodded and made one final teasing circle before tugging his pajama bottoms down his slim hips, freeing his erection.

“Been forever since we fooled around in the middle of the house,” James said, watching her wrap her hand around his length and give him a slow pump. His eyes were dark and ravenous; the expression made Rose lament that she couldn’t join in the activity they were about to partake in.

“It’s got kind of a naughty feel to it,” Rose agreed. She slid her hand up his cock, then brushed her thumb across the tip of him. She worked the slippery wetness down his erection until the bite of dry friction was nonexistent.

“Feels good,” James murmured, thrusting lightly into her hand but making no indication for her to hurry up.

“Good. I like making you feel good. I haven’t gotten to touch you since the babies were born—I’ve missed it.”

“Me either,” he whispered. “Wait. I meant me. I haven’t touched myself since they’ve been born either. Obviously I can’t touch you yet.”

“Seriously? You haven’t had a wank in over two weeks?”

“Haven’t had much time lately. Or been in the mood, really.”

“So… what? The last time was when you and I fooled around a bit after you gave me a foot massage?”

“Mhm.” James sucked in a sharp breath when Rose gave him a long, slow squeeze on the upstroke. “God, Rose.”

She bit her lip around a smile, but kept up the steady rhythm of her hand.

“I love you,” she said, stepping closer to catch his lips in a kiss.

His mouth was frenzied against hers, belying how worked up he was. His lips tugged and pulled at hers, restlessly moving between her lower and upper lip. His tongue eventually came into play, gliding against hers too quickly to have much finesse to it.

Rose sped up her hand for a few strokes before slowing back down. A low, whining groan rumbled from his throat.

“Rose.”

“James,” she parroted.

“Tease,” he huffed.

“Tell me you’re not enjoying this.”

“I’m very much enjoying this. I always enjoy it. Feels so fucking good, love.”

His use of profanity sent delightful tingles through her. Rose pecked a kiss to his lips before she trailed her mouth down his jaw. She scraped her teeth across it, then licked it, enjoying the scratch of his day-old stubble against her tongue.

For several long minutes, she kept up the torturous rhythm of her hand, alternating between long, languorous strokes and short, quick ones. She delighted in the hitch of his breath that always accompanied the change in tempo.

Her other hand was busy touching any other part of him she could reach. It meandered up and down his chest, her fingernails scraping through the fine hairs on his chest and belly. She paid attention to his nipples, flicking and pinching and scratching at them to pull delicious grunts from him.

When she’d given his upper body a thorough tease, she let her hand wander further south. He grumbled when her hand didn’t join its partner on his cock, but rather it dipped lower to trace his inner thigh. His legs were tense and trembling as she traced the seam where his thigh joined his hip. He exhaled raggedly when her hand finally skated across the underside of his cock to cradle his balls in her palm.

“Fuck,” he panted as she massaged them gently. When she once again slowed the motion of her hand on his erection, he rasped, “Please. Please, Rose.”

Rose nodded and pressed a hard, quick kiss to the corner of his mouth. He was too far gone to reciprocate.

“Just a sec,” she said, releasing him with both hands.

His cock bobbed and twitched. James let out a pathetic whimper and wrenched open his eyes; they were dark and glazed over. Rose grabbed a dish towel that had been tossed haphazardly onto the counter, then returned to her husband.

His eyes fluttered shut again when she took him in hand and built him back up. His hips undulated with her rhythm, so Rose adjusted her motions to work with him, pumping him harder and faster with every stroke. This time she didn’t slow her hand.

“Rose,” he gasped urgently, “I’m gonna… I’m… oh, fuck…”

Goosebumps prickled out across Rose’s skin, fifteen and a half years of experience having conditioned her that her pleasure would come with his. Her gut tightened deliciously as he started to moan, first deeply then higher-pitched as his face pinched into an expression of pure rapture. His hands shot out to grab the edge of the sink for balance, and his head tipped back as he sucked in a sharp breath.

Positioning the towel at the head of his flushed cock, Rose pumped him with purpose. She rotated her wrist on the upstroke as she counted down in her head.

Three… two… one…

James let out a cry of relief that weakened Rose’s knees as he spurted messily into the towel. She worked him through it, timing her squeezing upstroke with each pulse of his cock, delighting in his grunts and heavy breathing.

Must have been a good one, Rose thought as he continued throbbing in her hand, his hips jerking forward every few seconds. He was beautiful as he stood there, face blank, mouth hanging open as panting moans escaped him. A dull ache of desire coiled low in Rose’s belly, but she pushed it aside.

“Oh, God,” he croaked when he was finally spent.

She could feel him softening and stroked him one last time. He sighed, his hips jumping, then she released him.

“I take it that was good?” Rose teased, knowing damn well it was.

When he eventually opened his eyes, they had a dazed, sleepy look about them, and he grinned.

Rose returned the expression, then folded up the soiled towel, discreetly wiped her hands clean, and set it on the counter. She stepped up to James and pulled his pajama bottoms up his hips, careful not to snag his softening cock.

She enveloped him in a hug, one that he eagerly reciprocated. He tucked his face into her neck and inhaled deeply, holding her so tightly it sent warmth thudding through her with every heartbeat; she loved their post-coital cuddles and this one was no different, no matter that they were standing.

“Thank you,” he whispered. He brought his hand up to comb his fingers through her hair, then he cradled the back of her head as his lips descended on hers. The kiss was reverent and knee-wobblingly gentle. “I love you.” He kissed her again. “That was incredible. If not orgasming in over two weeks makes it feel like that, I should abstain more often.”

“Only for the next few weeks. Once I’m cleared for sex, you’d better not hold out on me, mister.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he murmured, swaying them lightly. “When you’re ready to make love, I’m going to repay that delightful orgasm tenfold.”

“I don’t think you could possibly make me come ten times,” Rose said dryly.

“Is that a challenge?”

Rose rolled her eyes. “As much as I love when you make me come multiple times, I think I would pass out if you made it to ten. Or at the very least have some uncomfortable chafing.”

“Our record is seven,” James said. “Surely it’s not that unfeasible to get you to ten.”

“That record was before we had kids,” Rose reminded. “We literally spent hours and hours in bed.”

“If my memory serves me correctly—which it does, ‘cos I’m brilliant—it was in the kitchen, on the couch, against a wall, then in bed,” he said, pulling back to smile down at her.

“Is that supposed to impress me?”

“Are you not impressed?” He pouted. “If you’d like, I could regale you with the exact number of orgasms you’ve had. You, Rose Tyler-McCrimmon, have had…” His tongue pressed distractingly to the backs of his teeth as he thought. “…Four-thousand nine-hundred and fourteen orgasms with yours truly.”

Rose blinked, her attention finally broken away from his tongue. “What, seriously?”

James winked roguishly at her, exuding a haughty air for a few extended seconds, before a sheepish smile stole over his face. “Nah, I just did some quick guesstimating. We’ve been sexually active for fifteen years and eight months. If you assume we make love three times a week—which is quite low for some weeks, but then there were others where we didn’t at all so it probably evens out—and that you orgasm at least twice whenever we have sex—again, this is quite low for some sessions—then that gets us to four-thousand nine-hundred and fourteen. And that’s a very conservative estimate. I’m sure we must have crossed the threshold of five-thousand by now.”

Rose cackled and lifted up onto her tiptoes to press a kiss to her husband’s lips.

“Oh, you absolute utter nutter!”

He hummed happily. “I’m your absolute utter nutter.”

“D’you know what?” she asked conspiratorially. His eyes twinkled as he awaited her response. “That quick mental maths you just did is much more impressive than if you’d actually been keeping count all these years.”

He grinned at her, then hauled her in for another kiss.

oOoOo

Later that night, Rose lounged in Ainsley’s bed beside her daughter while James sat at the foot of the bed, absently playing with Rose’s feet. They tried to make sure Ainsley read aloud to them each night, and while usually they traded off the job, sometimes they both wanted to listen to the story. That was the case this night, as they were part way through Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and James and Rose enjoyed the opportunity for a reread of the series.

James sat back against the wall and massaged his thumbs into Rose’s instep as he listened to Ainsley narrate Harry and Ron’s misadventure into the Whomping Willow.

Ainsley was a good reader. Her vocabulary was strong and she had an excellent grasp on the grammar and fluidity of language, but tonight her voice was a little flat and she kept tripping over her words.

James caught Rose’s eye and saw she’d noticed too. When the chapter came to an end, before he could say anything, Ainsley asked, “Can we stop there tonight?”

“Of course, darling,” James said. “Is anything the matter?”

“I guess I’m just not in the mood to read.”

“Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?” Rose asked, moving to wrap her arm around Ainsley’s shoulders.

“Why would something be bothering me?” she snapped, flinching away from Rose.

James was taken aback, and judging from Rose’s slackened jaw, so was she. Before he could reprimand his daughter for her behavior, Ainsley mumbled, “Sorry.”

“You can always talk to me,” Rose said, wringing her hands in her lap as though she didn’t know what to do with them. “Or to your dad.”

“I know,” Ainsley said.

James bit his lip and tentatively rested his hand on the blanket covering Ainsley’s foot. She didn’t pull away. “Is it about the twins?”

Ainsley wrinkled her nose. “What? No. Why?”

“Well, it’s been you and Sianin for a long time, and now there are two babies in the house,” James said carefully. “It’s a lot to adjust to. Mum and I won’t be upset if you’re upset about them.”

“No, they’re fine,” Ainsley said firmly. “I love having them here.”

James’s shoulders relaxed and he squeezed her foot. “Do you want me and Mum to leave you alone for the night?”

Ainsley glanced over at Rose, then at James, and shook her head. “Can I have a hug?”

“Of course, love,” Rose said, tugging Ainsley in for the hug their daughter had rejected mere moments ago. “I’m sorry you’re feeling out of sorts tonight. Is there anything we can do?”

She shrugged and nestled closer to Rose’s chest. James was at a loss, so he continued petting Ainsley’s feet through the blankets.

“Can I ask you something?” Ainsley’s voice was muffled by Rose’s shirt.

“Always.”

“Did you… I mean… This might sound stupid,” Ainsley admitted.

“Impossible,” James assured her. “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

“Yes, there is,” Ainsley said dryly, cracking a small smile. It slipped as she said, “When you realized you were soulmated, did you feel… trapped?”

James squinted at his wife. Her expression mirrored his.

“What do you mean?” James asked.

“Like… one day you were going about your business, then the next, the universe decided you were suddenly matched with another human being and tied to them. Forever. Was that… scary? Overwhelming?”

James’s brain worked fast to try and figure out where her question was coming from. For as long as she’d understood the concept of soulmates, Ainsley had longed for one of her own. Had she been soulmated and now felt differently about it?

“For me, it was an exciting day to realize the universe had given me a forever friend,” Rose said, her voice slow and cautious as she, too, tried to figure out what had prompted their daughter’s question.

“Same,” James agreed.

“Yeah, but later, when the excitement had worn off. Did it feel like your choice had been taken from you? Like… you have a soulmate. And you’re stuck with them. You had no input whatsoever about who you’d fall in love with and marry and have kids with.”

“I guess a little bit,” Rose answered, and James thought all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Before his panic could thoroughly suffocate him, Rose continued, “Though my main fear was actually a bit of the opposite. I was worried that my soulmate wouldn’t want to be stuck with me for eternity.”

The air had returned to James’s lungs, though his chest was still a bit tight. He reached over and squeezed Rose’s foot. She flashed him a small smile before returning her attention to Ainsley.

“Being soulmated didn’t necessarily take away my decision to fall in love, though,” Rose said. “I was five when I realized I was soulmated. I knew what love was, but I didn’t truly understand the scale of it. Your dad and I started out as friends, then as we got older, our feelings evolved. Do you know what platonic love is?”

“Love between friends?” Ainsley asked.

“Exactly. Our love started platonically, then grew into romantic love when we were older because that’s what we both wanted. But there are some soulmates who remain best friends, and that works for them.”

“For my part, I was a hopeless romantic,” James admitted, earning him a giggle from his daughter. “But you must understand, I had soulmated parents who were very much in love, and I decided at a young age that that’s what I wanted as well. When I met your mother, she became my best friend overnight. I loved her deeply and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Our love grew as we did.”

“Where are these questions coming from? Have you… been soulmated?” Rose asked carefully.

Ainsley sighed heavily. “No. But my friend Teddy is. Just today, it happened. And he was acting all dramatic and unhappy, whining about being stuck with a girl his whole life. He was being kind of stupid about it all, and talked about his soulmate really rudely. But it got me wondering if other people were upset when they found out they were soulmated.”

“I’m sure some people feel like their choice is being taken away from them, while others are happy about it,” James said.

“It’s not fair,” Ainsley lamented. “That Teddy has a soulmate but doesn’t want one.”

“I know,” Rose said, kissing the top of Ainsley’s head.

They all became quiet for a minute, until Ainsley asked, “Do you ever get bored? I mean, you’ve been together for decades.”

“Oi, you make us sound ancient,” James whined.

Ainsley laughed. “I just meant that you know everything about each other. Doesn’t it get boring?”

“Well, we have four kids to spice up our lives.”

“Gee, thanks,” Rose muttered.

James cringed as he realized how that sounded. “I didn’t mean it like that. Obviously if we didn’t have kids, I’d still be as in love with your mum as ever.”

“Why don’t you do date nights anymore?” Ainsley asked curiously.

James frowned.

“I could sometimes hear you in the living room watching a film or having dinner or something,” Ainsley explained. Then her cheeks turned pink. “Or… erm… later, in your room.”

James’s face went hot.

“Or Sianin and I would have a sleepover at Grandad’s house so you could go out. But you haven’t done that in ages.”

“The twins have us pretty busy right now,” Rose said. “We’re tired at night, so we don’t usually do anything fancy. But remember, your dad is on paternity leave so we get to spend the entire day together.”

“Oh. So you and Dad are… okay?” Ainsley asked, glancing between the two of them.

“We’re wonderful,” James promised. “Would you like us to snog right now as proof?”

Rose kicked him half-heartedly as Ainsley shrieked, “Ew! No!” James giggled. “Well. Rather that than overhearing you in your bedroom.”

Once again, James’s cheeks flamed.

“I haven’t heard… erm… that in a while either,” Ainsley said awkwardly. “Not that I’m complaining. But… just…”

“Sweetheart, why are you so concerned about me and your dad?” Rose asked, her voice impossibly soft and tinged with sadness. “Have we done or said something…?”

Ainsley shrugged and strangled the corner of her blanket between her hands. “My friend’s parents are getting divorced. She’s really upset about it ‘cos she didn’t know anything was wrong between her mum and dad.”

“Sometimes mums and dads are better apart than they are together,” Rose said gently, giving Ainsley a tight squeeze. “A spouse or romantic partner should make you into the best version of yourself you can possibly be. You dad brings out the best in me, and he makes me want to be better. He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been.

“But sometimes all of that just… stops. And it’s nobody’s fault. But it’s good for people to recognize that the situation they’re in isn’t healthy anymore, and it’s best if they go their separate ways.”

“Can a divorce happen between soulmated people?” Ainsley asked, glancing between her parents.

“I’m sure there are cases of it,” James answered. Ainsley deflated and he hastened to add, “But that’s not gonna happen between me and your mum.”

“How can you be sure?” she pressed.

“I… well…” James floundered for a response that wasn’t “because I know”.

Rose, seeing him struggling, touched Ainsley’s cheek to get her attention. “I suppose nobody can say anything with absolute certainty. However, I can promise you right now that I have absolutely no intention of leaving your dad, and I have a very difficult time imagining ever wanting to. I fall more in love with him every day and love that I’m married to him.”

“The same for me,” James said, his voice a little hoarse. His heart ached at the thought of him and Rose not being together. He couldn’t even fathom it. He was one-hundred percent certain that he and Rose would be together forever, in this life and in whatever came after. “I’m sorry your friend is going through that hardship. And that it’s made you nervous.”

“I wasn’t really nervous,” Ainsley said quickly, but the vulnerability that had been splayed across her face minutes ago contradicted her statement. James merely nodded though.

“Are you feeling better?” Rose asked, smoothing Ainsley’s hair away from her face.

“Yeah,” she said, nestling down into her pillow.

“Thank you for talking with me and Dad.”

“Thanks for listening,” Ainsley said, then she heaved a sigh that sounded too big to come from her tiny body. “I still feel a bit funny inside.”

“Illness funny or weird funny?” Rose asked, unconsciously pressing her fingers to Ainsley’s cheeks and forehead.

“Weird funny. Like… I feel sad but I dunno why. ‘Cos I’m not sad, I don’t think.”

“As you get older and have more experiences, you’ll start to feel more emotions that you might not know what to do with,” Rose said. “It’s perfectly normal, but may be overwhelming sometimes. Can you try to promise me you’ll come talk with me or your dad, or even your gran or grandad, if things get overwhelming? No matter how silly you think it is?”

“I promise,” Ainsley said, flashing a small smile.

“Good girl,” Rose said. “Do you think you can sleep now?”

Ainsley nodded, and James scooted off the bed before helping Rose slip off.

“I love you so, so much,” Rose whispered to her daughter. She peppered a series of kisses across Ainsley’s face, covering her forehead and cheeks and chin and nose. “Goodnight Ainsley.”

“Night Mum.”

James stepped forward when Rose backed away.

“Nighty night, darling,” he said, leaning down to brush a kiss to his daughter’s cheek. He smoothed out her blankets and fussed with them, making sure there were no folds or lumps as he tucked them around her shoulders. “Gonna bundle you in nice and tight.”

James grinned at his laughing child as he tucked the blankets under Ainsley’s body, cocooning her snugly. He then pressed a smacking kiss to her forehead.

“G’night Daddy,” she said, her eyes bright.

“Sweet dreams.”

He and Rose backed out of her room, flicking the lights off and shutting the door behind them.

“Well that was… unexpected,” James groaned when they plopped down on the couch together.

“She is nine,” Rose said pointedly. “Pretty soon she’ll be starting puberty and dealing with all these new and weird hormones and emotions and…”

“Don’t remind me. That’s not supposed to happen. She’s my baby girl.”

Rose patted his chest comfortingly. They were silent for a few moments before she said, her voice teasing, “So… our kids are the only reason you haven’t gotten bored of me.”

It took James a moment, but he finally remembered the context of her quip. “I really am sorry about that,” he said, grimacing. He scrubbed his hand across the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean it how it came out.”

“I know,” Rose assured. “It’s funny, is all.” She snuggled in to his side, and he hugged her close, her warmth soothing. “What do you think we’d do if we didn’t have kids to keep you entertained?”

“Have more sex,” he deadpanned.

“Even more than we already have?” Rose snorted. “Blimey, I dunno if that’s even possible.”

“Oh, I’m sure we’d manage.” He stroked his fingers up and down the length of her arm. “What do you think we’d do if we didn’t have kids?”

“Probably travel a bit more.” James felt a little guilty that she actually gave a real answer while he provides a blasé one. “I mean, we already travel quite a lot, but it’s very strictly planned to either make sure the places we go are kid-friendly, or to arrange for child care so you and I can go somewhere.” Rose paused for a moment before she admitted, “I kind of miss the spontaneity that came with not having kids.”

“I do, too,” he agreed. “Though I think the presence of the kids makes me cherish the alone time I have with you even more. It’d get a bit dull spending every waking minute together, wouldn’t it?”

“Charming,” Rose drawled, flicking the back of his head.

“Do you understand what I mean, though?” he asked, worried that perhaps he was alone in his feelings and was instead digging himself into a hole.

Rose stared at him, letting him simmer in his uncertainty for a few long seconds before she winked at him and leaned up to kiss him swiftly.

“Yeah, I understand,” she said. “For the record, I agree. I adore our children and I would never, ever wish them out of my life, but they give me a greater appreciation for moments like this.” She gestured vaguely around the living room. “I love spending time with you and the kids, but I also love when it’s just us.”

“So… now that it’s just the two of us, what are we gonna do?” James purred into her ear.

“I was actually considering getting ready for bed,” Rose admitted, smiling sheepishly.

James burst out laughing, and he squeezed his arm around her shoulders.

“It’s not that I’m ready to sleep, but I’m tired and want to lie down and get settled in for the night.”

“Sounds good to me,” he said.

Together, they locked up the house and carried the twins from the bassinets in the living room to the bassinets in their bedroom.

“Want to play a game?” Rose asked after they’d gone through their nighttime routine and were lounging in bed. “Like Word Association or something?”

“Sure.” Word Association was one of their favorite pillow talk games to play. One of them would start with a random word, then the other would say the first word that popped into their head that was somehow associated with the original word. The game was over if one of them couldn’t come up with a word within a couple seconds, or if a word was reused. “You start.”

“Bed,” Rose said.

“Pillow.”

“Head.”

“Blowjob.”

“How the hell…?” Rose giggled.

“Y’know… giving head,” he replied, waggling his eyebrows. “Go on. You next.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “Cuddle.” She rolled into his arms as she said the word, and he hugged her close.

“Warm,” he murmured, burrowing himself into her soft heat.

“Summer.”

“Beach.”

“Sand.”

“Arse.” He let his hand wander down her back until he cupped her bum.

“Seriously?” Rose laughed, swatting his hand.

“Seriously! Sand gets everywhere, Rose,” he said gravely, though he kept his hand where it was.

She pressed a kiss to his chest. “Sex.”

“Kiss.” He ducked down to catch her lips in a long kiss, his tongue darting out to swipe against hers.

“Wet,” she rasped.

He smirked. “Arousal.”

“Handsome.”

“Beautiful,” he whispered, nudging his nose against hers before he kissed her again.

She twined her fingers through his hair, keeping him where he was as she returned his kiss.

“Flattery,” she mumbled against his mouth before scraping her teeth against his bottom lip. He hummed into the kiss and nearly forgot about the game entirely until she said, “Your turn.”

“Love,” he breathed, hoping he picked something associated with the word she’d given. Frankly, he had forgotten what she’d said.

“Lust,” she said, scratching her fingernails across his scalp.

Hot tingles broke out across his skin and he shuddered, barely swallowing down a moan. His lips moved hungrily against hers, chasing the pleasurable sensations that came with snogging his wife.

“Your turn,” Rose prompted yet again.

James could hardly think straight, especially as she kept teasing her fingers through his hair. “Sex.”

“Ha!” Rose popped her lips away from his, leaving him dazed and disoriented. A victorious grin was on her face; she looked far too clear-headed for his liking. “I already used that word. I win!”

“I think you cheated,” he pouted, though he really wished she would keep kissing him.

“I think someone’s a sore loser,” Rose said, her tongue poking out as she beamed.

“I demand a rematch.” James rolled until his body was pressed up to hers. He crushed his mouth to hers, delighting in her surprised hiss. He chased her tongue back into her mouth, stroking and teasing it as his hands wandered up and down the length of her spine.

“Tongue,” he said against her mouth.

“T-teeth,” she sighed as he nibbled his way across her jaw and down her neck.

“Bite,” he answered, giving her a quick nip as he spoke.

She whimpered and arched her head back to give him better access. “Suck.”

“As you wish,” he responded, latching his mouth to the side of her neck.

“N-no, that was my word,” Rose said. She whined when he popped his mouth away from her skin. “Though you can keep doing that, if you’d like.”

He grinned, and said, “Cock,” before attaching his mouth to her once more. Maybe it was cheating, but he let his lips and teeth wander down to the sensitive join where her neck met her shoulder. She shuddered in his arms and let out a breathy gasp.

“Your turn,” he whispered between kisses. “Unless you’d like to concede the game?”

“Stiffy,” she said.

“Stubborn woman,” he muttered. “Rub.”

“Grind.”

“Thrust.”

“Moan.”

“Groan,” he purred into her ear. His brain was close to short-circuiting with the love and pleasure coursing through his body. He knew they would need to stop the game before he became too aroused; it was torture knowing he couldn’t roll on top of Rose and make love with her. But nevertheless, he was enjoying this bit of teasing, despite the heavy ache throbbing between his legs.

They made it through a few more words, each one raunchier than the last, before Rose placed her hand on his chest and said, “I want to stop now.”

It was as though a bucket of ice water had been thrown on him. He scooted away immediately.

“Are you all right? I’m sorry, I…”

“I’m fine,” Rose assured. He cheeks were flushed and her pupils were blown wide. “It was getting too intense, though.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be. I was enjoying that very much.” Rose reached over to rest her hand on his chest. “But we can’t go any further, and if we’d kept up the game, I would’ve forgotten why we couldn’t go any further.”

James nodded and reached up to twine his fingers with hers. He pressed a kiss to her knuckles and held her hand, neither of them speaking.

“Are you all right?” Rose asked. “Need to go take care of yourself or anything? Or want me to give you a hand?”

“You gave me a hand this morning. Two hands, actually.” He winked roguishly at her, making he grin.

“I don’t mind doing it again,” she said sincerely. “Honestly.”

“I know. And thank you, but I’ll be fine.” And he was. Already, his erection had flagged and would be completely gone in a few minutes.

“That was really fun,” Rose admitted.

“Yeah, it was,” he said. “Can we have a cuddle? Or are you too worked up still?”

In reply, Rose took her hand from him and rolled onto her side, facing away from him. She then reached back to draw him in as he curved his body around hers. They wiggled around for a few moments, getting settled. When her bum brushed across the front of his pants, she teased, “You sure you don’t need a private moment?”

“Quite sure,” he said, rolling his eyes even though she couldn’t see. “It was going down ‘til you started grinding.”

“Unintentionally grinding,” she corrected.

“You comfy?” he asked, tucking his face into her neck.

“Mhm… wanna bet a baby will start crying in thirty seconds?”

“Don’t jinx it,” he whined, pinching her side.

Rose giggled quietly in the darkness. James gave her middle a squeeze and burrowed closer into her warmth.

The twins did not, in fact, begin crying thirty seconds later. Or even thirty minutes later. By that time, Rose had already fallen asleep and was snoring into her pillow, and James had stopped listening for the beginnings of a cry. He instead listened to the sounds of his home: Rose’s breathing. The twins’ occasional snuffling grunts and coos. The flushing of a toilet down the hall.

He strained his ears and heard shuffling footfalls. The footsteps were getting closer, before they disappeared altogether.

Must’ve been Ainsley, he thought to himself. Her room was the closest to theirs.

But then he heard the sound of little voices. Frowning, he disentangled himself from Rose and slipped out of bed. He exited his bedroom and crept towards Ainsley’s room, where the door was ajar.

He could hear his two eldest children speaking quietly, and when he knocked at the door, their voices went silent.

“Everything all right?” he asked.

Sianin was in Ainsley’s bed, facing the wall with the blankets pulled up to her ears. Ainsley peered at her little sister, then to him.

“She wee’d the bed,” Ainsley said.

“Ainsley!” Sianin cried.

“What? Daddy would’ve realized tomorrow morning anyway.”

Sianin sniffled and pulled the blankets higher up her face.

“Are you all right, Sianin?” James asked, stepping to the foot of the bed. He wished Ainsley’s bed wasn’t pushed against the wall so he could crouch down in front of her.

“It was an accident,” Sianin whimpered, her voice muffled.

“I know,” he said soothingly. “Did you put on clean jammies?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to sleep with Ainsley tonight?” James asked, hoping his eldest didn’t mind.

“Yeah.”

“Okay then,” he said. “Goodnight, darling.”

She mumbled something he couldn’t catch, then poked her hand out of the blankets to pull Ainsley down beside her. Ainsley rolled her eyes but was smiling fondly at her little sister.

“This all right?” he asked.

“Mhm,” Ainsley replied, yawning. She curled up behind Sianin and draped an arm around her waist.

James thought his heart might melt into his toes at the picture of his children cuddling together.

“Goodnight, my darlings,” he whispered. “I love you lots.”

“G’night. Love you,” Ainsley said sleepily, while Sianin just grunted.

He stepped out of the room and with a heavy exhale, went to Sianin’s room to clean up. He chucked her sheets and soiled clothes into the wash, then cleaned up her mattress. He was just putting the cleaning supplies away when he caught sight of movement from the corner of his eye.

“Everything all right?” Rose asked, her eyes bleary.

“Yep. Sianin wet the bed is all, but I’ve got it sorted,” James said.

Rose frowned. “She hasn’t done that in… God, I dunno how long.”

“I know,” James said. “It wasn’t too bad, though. She must’ve woken up part way through. Her bedding’s in the wash now, and she’s sleeping with Ainsley tonight.”

Rose nodded and yawned again. “Anything I can help with?”

He shook his head. “I was about to come back to bed. Were the twins up?”

“Just got done feeding them.”

She held out her hand for his. Hand in hand, they walked down the corridor towards their room. Rose tugged him to a stop so she could poke her head into Ainsley’s room.

The girls were in the same position he’d left them in, with Sianin facing the wall and the blankets tugged up nearly over her head, and Ainsley spooned up behind her.

“Oh,” Rose cooed, pressing her hand to her chest.

He smiled, then reached out to shut Ainsley’s door.

“I wonder what could’ve caused Sianin’s accident,” Rose mused as they crawled into bed.

“Dunno,” he said, curling up against Rose.

“I hope it’s a one-off. Maybe she forgot to wee before bed. Or drank more water than usual. Or had a scary dream. Or…”

“Or a dream where she really had to wee.”

Rose snorted. “Or that.”

“She’s probably fine,” James said with a contented sigh.

“Mhm,” Rose agreed, turning her body into his. She flung a leg over one of his and wrapped her arm around his waist, nuzzling her face into his chest.

“Goodnight, Rose,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

She muttered something unintelligible, and he nearly laughed; she sounded just like Sianin had.

Like mother, like daughter.

He breathed in deeply and kissed her again before closing his eyes and attempting sleep.

If you’ve made it to the end, consider leaving a comment or reblogging? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

#ficandchips #doctorroseprompts #dwfic #doctor who #ten x rose #ten x rose au #soulmates #soulmates au #james x rose #romance #fluff #family fic #kid fic #baby fic #lemons #perfectly matched series #family of six #my fic

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jack-andthestalk · 6 years ago

Text

Stuck on you, Calm Waters, Chapter 19.

Thank you to @balfeheughlywed the banging of betas! @ladyviolethummingbird prompted the nostalgia of the first date so thank you ❤️

Jamie’s instructions of ‘wear something that willna freeze the arse of ye and il pick ye up 6.30pm sharp’ were the sum total of my instructions for our first date.

I dimly realized dinner was not part of the plan and my stomach groaned from the idea of no food. Varying notions ran through my mind of what he might have planned but I dismissed each one as none of them required thermal underwear.

I had been slightly disheartened to hear the about the need for warm clothes, for no other reason than it was highly likely that the date was happening outdoors and not near a warm bed, and being honest that is exactly where I wanted Jamie Fraser, in a bed.

What had almost happened in his apartment the day before wasn’t helping the growing need in my belly. Thinking about being with Jamie that way again made my breath hitch and my cheeks blush. The worst of it being I was too aware of what Jamie and I were capable of when it came to sex, my traitorous imagination was using vivid memories from our past intimate life to taunt me.

I picked something from my wardrobe that could double up as warm and fairly flattering. I settled on a fitted woolen dress, with tights and my fur lined boots. While I finished applying my make-up I heard Rupert shuffling in the hall saying he would get the door, “…we dinna want you to be disturbing yer beauty routine Clairebear”, jovial sarcasm lightening his tone. There was more shuffling and sighing along with something resembling a munching sound from Rupert before I heard him roar “Claire yer date is here! “I didn’t need to see Rupert’s face to know he was enjoying this immensely.

When I appeared from my room, Jamie was standing awkwardly hands thrust in his pockets and Rupert eyeing him appraisingly.

Rupert turned to me, blowing air through his cheeks and hooting to himself “ye have come along way …” his hand shaped into a gun and he mimicked pointing it at me and then Jamie “given I wasna even allowed to tell him ye were living here up until a couple of months ago!” he raised one eyebrow at me challengingly.

I brushed down my dress, ignoring Rupert’s vivacious head swivel, “….don’t forget to turn off the heat before you go to bed.” Again not meeting his eye, but lacing my voice patronizingly to deter Rupert from divulging any other awkward information.

I gave Jamie a little nod, “you ready?”

“Aye” he said shyly before smirking and throwing a quick wink at Rupert, “I have been waiting quite a while for this hmm?”

Rupert snorted and I shot him a dirty look.

“Well ye two love birds have fun now…” he directed while slapping Jamie on the shoulder. We only shut the apartment door when Jamie bent down and kissed me on the cheek whispering “ye look beautiful mo chridhe.”

________________________________

When our uber pulled up along a pathway that led down to what I knew to be Regents Canal, it dawned on me that I really hadn’t come close to guessing what Jamie had planned. There were a line of narrowboats tied up along the canal’s deep wall. Some of the boat’s cabins were lit up but the majority was retired for the winter and had no signs of life.

Jamie approached a guy standing in front of one of the lit up narrowboats, shaking his hand in a casual crisscross gesture. Turning to me with a little nod of his head “Claire this is Angus, Angus and I climbed Kilimanjaro together”

“You climbed Kilimanjaro?” I asked incredulously, forgetting to greet Angus.

Angus chuckled and said “oh aye he is a secretive guy this one.”

I smiled politely at Angus remembering where I was, but I saw Jamie looking at me concerned etched across his face.

There were times since he came back that I thought I knew him as well as one person knew another, our shared confessions of the hurt we had experienced since we parted or when he held me again made me feel like no time had passed. Then there were times like now when I would stumble over some unsuspecting detail from the last two years and suddenly I felt unsure and alone, not able to bridge the gap.

Angus started to untie the narrowboat, I felt a foot nudge mine and looked up to see Jamie gaze down at me thoughtfully, “it was one of the tasks I set myself after therapy” he said quietly, “Although none of the lads I climbed with kent that.” The message was clear, and only you do.

He entwined my hand in his and guided me towards the boat.

Angus gave us a full tour, and explained to Jamie how to maneuver it down the canal. “well she is all ready for ye…ye canna go too far off course the boats are designed only for the canals so she will drift along until ye come to yer stop, normally takes about three hours or so.”

After we thanked Angus and he mounted the ladder to return to the dock. Jamie gave me an inquiring look, “I thought it might bring ye back to our first date?” He shuffled a bit on his feet before quickly saying “Sassenach say if it’s too cold or if ya dinna want to…”

I silenced him by putting my hands on his chest, rubbing my thumb over his heart.

“It’s an amazing thought Jamie, thank you”, I rose on tippy toes and kissed him softly, “and I am sure you can keep me warm.”

“I’m gonna raise the wee anchor and it will be just you and me for next few hours.” He promised.

__________________________________________

True to his word, Jamie had us bobbing down the canal without much preamble. He directed the bow thruster into a straight route and once satisfied it didn’t need further navigation he spread a blanket out on the bow, poured two glasses of whiskey taken from a rucksack he had dropped off earlier, and gestured for me to sit down with a little wink. Once he came to join me on the blanket he pulled me to him so that I sat in between his legs, my back resting against his chest. Although we could see our own breath when we spoke, the heat of Jamie and the blanket he threw around us warmed me blissfully to my bones. I felt a kind of euphoric happiness creep into my cheeks at his close proximity and the dazzling London lights spotted around us. The canal provided privacy, Jamie, me and the moon.

We chatted about our days and people we knew at the hospital, his family, avoiding uncle lamb completely all topics were normal and easy. After a lull in conversation I drew courage from the whiskey and turned slightly to look at him. “Did you ever think to date again?” I fidgeted with the material of his jeans at my side, “I mean when we were apart…I know you said you didn’t sleep with anyone but…did you meet anyone you could …I dunno…like?”

I felt a low rumble at my back, “Well I was encouraged by plenty…I think Da was afraid I would end up a monk.”

“So what did you do?” I asked trying to keep the tension out of my tone. Jamie may have been celibate but a connection with someone would not be the lesser of two evils for me.

“Ach…I think my mind was closed off to it Claire…I had made my plan fairly early on in my recovery and that was to get better for me…and you.” He exhaled and shifted slightly, “I think that worried my folks” he said quietly, “That I was too focused on you…and if that failed where I would be then?”

“Off course” I said nodding, although I felt a small pang of worry at what Brian and Ellen thought of me.

“I had no problem before I met you bedding a lass that I dinna feel much for…it was just sex.” Jamie blurted out abruptly.

I was thankful he couldn’t see my face, but there was no escaping him as he grabbed my hand and turned me to look at him. I was surprised to see his lips curled up in a smile. “with you even from that first night we went home from the bar…it was like this gut connection…I never told ye this” he paused shyly, “but I remember thinking that night that I dinna care if I never bed another lass again, I only wanted you.”

I couldn’t stop the smile spreading across my face, “Well I enjoyed it too” I said cupping his cheek. “Jesus Jamie I think I was barely able to walk the next day.” We laughed at the memory, and Jamie turned me back to lie up against his chest again wrapping his arms around me.

We sat watching the water dip up and down in the moonlight for a time, when Jamie’s voice, slightly husky cut through the silence. “How did you find it being with someone else Claire?” I could feel the muscles twitching in his arms, and my mouth opened to say something, nothing came out, Jamie sensed my hesitation “I mean not bedding someone else…” he clarified quickly. “I just mean …I dinna even ken myself what I mean…” he finished shyly.

He exhaled and took me by the shoulders turning me to face him again, “I asked ye before and ye told me ye wouldna tell me…but I need to know if ye were in love with him?”

I fiddled with the sleeves of my coat before looking up at him, “no” I said quietly. “I didn’t love Cathal like that…I cared for him a lot and maybe if you hadn’t showed up…it could have been more, we were only together less than a year.”

“I suppose we (me and Jamie) fell in love so quickly, I knew when I met Cathal it wasn’t like me and you, but then that made me feel safe, because if I didn’t love him like you” I swallowed and continued, “I couldn’t get hurt.”

Jamie nodded against my shoulder and quietness fell over us again.

After a time I felt Jamie’s lips on my ear lobe, slow, teasing. As his tongue dipped over my ear, he whispered “I was mightily jealous, I still am…but I am nay gonna think about it with you here in my arms.”

I turned to face him and gently ran my tongue up his neckline, then biting what I had softened with my mouth. Jamie stretched appreciatively to allow me access “I think this has been one of my favorite dates” I mumbled into his neck contentedly. “I didn’t ken I was been awarded marks Sassenach…”

“Oh no?” another groan boyed me on to take his mouth with mine. We kissed languidly, fingers tracing lightly over cheeks and hair. When we broke away Jamie looked down at me intently “Do ye ken on our first date and I said I’d jump into the bottom of the loch for ye?” his eyes held mine searching for recognition. Jamie and I had slept together a total of three times before he asked me out on a proper date when we first met. He had brought me on a fishing trip on Loch Lomond, sometime during the day he had pulled me close and pointed down at the dark murky waters, “down there scares the hell out of me Sassenach…but yet when I look at you I know I wouldn’t hesitate if you jumped in, I would follow you anywhere.” We had only really known each other a few weeks but I didn’t doubt him. I knew then I was falling in love.

I nodded, “I do…it was the first thing I thought of earlier on, when I saw the boat…you said you would jump into get to me” pinkness flushing my cheeks.

Jamie leaned down and ghosted his lips over mine, “Well Sassenach I still would.”

I broke away and looked into his eyes, “you did Jamie, you’re here now and it wasn’t the easiest journey…a bit like falling into a sea drowning no?” He kissed me again slow and intent.

___________________________

A couple of hours into our excursion, Jamie pulled me up and said “I never showed ye the wee cabin beneath”, we carefully edged our way down the narrow ladder with Jamie’s hands firm on my hips, the cabin below was small comprising of a little kitchen galley and slightly out of my view I could see a small living area that probably doubled up as a bed.

Before I had time to maneuver myself further into the small space, Jamie suddenly turned me around and kissed me deeply on the lips. Breathlessly whispering “I just wanted to get ye below deck” when he put his lips to mine again, his tongue stroked and teased until I thought I would dissolve in his mouth. Suddenly I was deprived of his warm mouth, I grasped out desperately seeking his solidness only to be met with air, I opened my eyes to realize that Jamie was on his knees discarding my boots. “What are you doing?” I hissed out. My voice sounded unfamiliar, Jamie didn’t answer but slowly ran his hands up along my calves, over my knees and thighs until I could feel his fingertips under my dress teasing the elastic of my tights down.

“Jamie” I whispered pleadingly “what are you doing ….we are due to dock any minute.”

“sshh” he said softly, ignoring my protests.

He continued to slowly roll my tights down over my quivering knees; holding my ankles one by one until I compliantly stepped out of them. His large hands ran back up my legs and his breath hitched when he ran one hand between my legs teasingly. My head fell back against the ladder as Jamie continued up, resting each hand either side of my hips beneath my dress. Glancing up to meet my eyes, a questioning bite on his bottom lip, ��was my only indication that he was looking for consent. I wasn’t coherent enough to nod back but I blinked rapidly and his tongue darted out running along his lower lip, smoothing the indentation of his teeth. The anticipation of his mouth between my legs was enough to undo me, he had done this to me thousands of times, expertly making me come with his tongue and a prevailing practiced rhythm. My legs trembled and I begged my mouth not cry out before he had even touched me.

Jamie raised one thigh reverently, meeting my eye briefly again and resting it gently on his shoulder; I muttered something incoherently under my breath and Jamie chuckled against my thigh, only heightening my desperation. When his tongue made contact with my skin, I made a mewling noise and Jamie’s head emerged from between my legs. “I wanna see do I remember what ye taste like Sassenach”. A very shaky “oh fuck” fell from my mouth and Jamie recommenced his task. His tongue was hot and soft, and he knew just what to do, his fingers pulling my arse closer and closer to match his mouth and my need. He was ferocious, licking and sucking at a punishing pace. Tasting me as if starved.

I cried out, “oh god” like a mantra over and over, when the ship dipped dramatically it aided Jamie’s efforts and a what started as a groan turned into a full scream. If we were anywhere near the dock, it wouldn’t be a secret that I was in the midst of a mind blowing orgasm. My fingers clasped his curls and I hazily wondering how I had gone so long without him doing this. Light popped behind my eyes and warmth pooled into my belly, again and again until my whole body quivered, moulding itself over his shoulders like jelly. I held myself up by grasping the other side of small entryway, my breath was being released in pants and I couldn’t feel my legs. A lovely thrum of pleasure filling my tummy rendering me speechless.

When Jamie eventually reemerged from between my thighs, my eyes were still shut tight, he ran his wet mouth against my knee and I shuddered at the feel of my own climax on my skin. “Jesus Christ” I said exhaling loudly. His voice came from the ground low and husky “I had almost forgotten how good ye taste and feel on my tongue.”

When I looked down, Jamie was beaming up at me his face full of triumph, he quirked one eyebrow at me, “how about a second date?”

#out #outlander fanfic #stuckonyou #jamiefraser #claire beauchamp #the lallybroch library

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hopeishappinessff · 6 years ago

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Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 57

Chris

My face held no emotion as I stared at my phone. The unknown number on the screen was starting to irritate me because this was the third time I’d seen it today. Whoever it was never bothered to leave a voicemail message or follow up with a text, so I refused to believe there was some urgency to these phone calls… but they called frequently enough to have me wondering…

“Christopher?”

I sighed and looked up, staring into the almost transparent face of the one I truly despised. Struggling to refrain from rolling my eyes, I stared at her and waited, as usual, for her to speak up the same way she sat there waiting for me to speak.

“I’m sorry, did I interrupt?” She asked sarcastically. That time I did roll my eyes.

“No. What’s up?”

She scoffed and furrowed her brows, reaching up quickly to adjust her thick ass black glasses against her face.

“You know the routine Christopher. You tell me, ‘what’s up’.”

Squinting at her for a moment, I slouched back in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest “Nothing. I’m good.”

“You’re… good?”

I nodded and shifted my gaze to the window to my left and bit into the inside of my bottom lip, ignoring the feeling of my phone vibrating again in my lap. This shit was gonna drive me crazy because I had a feeling that I knew exactly who was calling… but, why? The thought of it all had me distracted and even more annoyed to be here today.

“Well according to your mother, you had a bit of an incident last week… that subsequently resulted in you shutting yourself off from everyone for several days.”

With my head still turned toward the window, I cut my eyes at this bit… woman and glared at her long and hard. As expected, she quickly looked down at the notepad laid out in front of her because she never was good at holding eye contact with me.

“What do you mean, according to my mother? She really told you that?”

“She is required to keep logs of your behavior on a day to day basis Christopher, you know that…” “Maybe that’s something that was meant to stay between you and her, because I didn’t know that… Dr. Stevenson.” I loved to mock this lady. I really couldn’t get enough of the sight of her cowering and getting all flustered the way she does… but right now the mockery was unintentional. She struck a nerve with what she’d just said and like clockwork, I was about ready to leave now. I hated the thought of her prying into my life like she actually belonged in it. Sure she literally pried into people’s lives for a living, but isn’t that for the people that chose to divulge their business to her?

“Well that is a requirement and up until this point, you haven’t had any issues…”

“And I don’t have any issues now.”

She sighed and like clockwork, slid the black framed glasses off her face. Her lips were pursed with irritation and she reached up to pinch an index finger and thumb against the bridge of her nose as if I was really getting on her nerves that damn bad. If only she knew, it was literally the complete opposite.

“Tell me what happened.”

Scrunching my brows with question, I stared at her blankly until she realized what she’d just done. She demanded me to do something… she knew that shit wasn’t gonna fly with me, at all.

Clearing her throat and sighing through her nose and she shook her head briefly and smiled… a tight-lipped smile… that looked rather painful “Can you explain to me what your mother was referring to when she said that you shut yourself off from everyone for a week?”

“First of all, I don’t believe I shut myself off from anyone last week.”

“She explained that she hadn’t heard from you until two days ago. She also mentioned that she was aware that you would sneak out late in the evenings and not return until the wee hours of the morning. Care to explain that?”

“No… I don’t.”

“Christopher,” She sighed, for about the hundredth time, and stared up at the ceiling, “Cooperation is key. Every single session you refuse to cooperate. Every single session you become even more difficult to work with than the last session. Please…”

God how I hated the sound of her complaining. I swore it felt like my ears bled every time she did.

“I had an episode.” I mumbled. Did I want to divulge this to her, hell the fuck no. But if it would get her to shut her damn mouth…

Her left brow raised with intrigue and she crossed her hands down against the surface of her desk with her beady eyes fixed on me “How severe of an episode?”

“It wasn’t severe at all. I just… got a little frustrated.”

“And what exactly was it that triggered you?”

My eyes drifted from her to the clock on the wall above the window then I finally shut them altogether. Did I really want to tell her that? Did I really want to set myself up to get pissed the hell off because of what I knew she was gonna say when I told her what happened and who it involved… nah.

“I got upset with someone and punched a refrigerator.” “And who exactly was it that you were upset with?”

Opening my eyes, I stared at the clock but I could see her hand moving a mile a minute against that notepad from the corner of my eye. I didn’t say anything for a while and eventually I could feel her staring at me, but to avoid hearing her bitch and moan again I cleared my throat and licked my lips.

“My friend.”

See, the thing is I’m not sure exactly how much of that incident my lovely mother revealed to this lady. By some miracle, I was hoping she hadn’t told all my damn business and explained the situation down to the last detail, but when I turned my head to face Dr. Stevenson and noticed that she was still jotting shit down in her notepad, my heart beat leveled out and I sighed with relief because I expected her to be staring at me with that awful mischievous smirk.

“So you lashed out and punched a refrigerator… did you, punch anything or anyone else?”

“No,” I said as I shook my head, “I walked out of the house after that.”

“And what dosage did you take after this particular incident?”

My jaw clenched naturally and I glared at her as she continued to write. I hated that. Hated how it was an automatic assumption that as a ‘legally crazy person’, if I ever got mad I had to take prescription medication to calm myself down. It was already enough that I was taking these damn pills daily as prescribed, which always left me feeling sluggish and out of my own body, thus the reason for the cannabis. Like, were these people not aware of how much damage I could do to my liver with all this strong ass medicine?

“What dosage…” She started to repeat herself, as if I wasn’t mentally capable of understanding her the first time, but I quickly cut her off.

“Six-hundred milligrams.” I lied so smooth, I had to look away from her to avoid smiling and giving myself away. No, I didn’t immediately take the other prescription, the one specifically for the black outs… I actually didn’t take that at all. The shit was made specifically to calm me down to the point that I basically couldn’t move for hours and, depending on how much I ingested, sometimes days at a time. The higher the dosage, the longer it would keep me knocked out and the longer it kept me out, the higher the probability that I would wake up as myself again.

I’m not an animal. I may have a harder time than most controlling my temper, but I’m not an animal so no I wasn’t interested in being sedated. Yes, I was fully aware that this woman handed my mother a got damn sedative to handle my severe black outs and now she’s asking me how much of the shit I took as if that’s just a normal conversation to have. ‘Oh hey Chris, I heard you had a minor black out and punched a stainless steel refrigerator door with your bare fist. Did you sedate yourself afterwards? Oh that’s awesome!’

No I didn’t take no fucking sedative after that. I went home and smoked the medical cannabis she prescribed me. She made it very clear during my briefing just before I was released that she wouldn’t recommend that I rely so heavily, if at all, on the marijuana because it wasn’t her preferred substance. Ask me if I give even one fuck what her preference was.

“Six hundred milligrams,” She mumbled to herself as she presumably jotted the number down in her notepad, “Just remember, you can ingest up to one thousand, but that’s only in the case of a severe episode and we do ask that your mother seeks medical attention as soon as possible if that is ever the case. At that point, you would be transferred here for further evaluation.”

Why was she even telling me this? See, if my mama would have just kept her mouth shut I wouldn’t be sitting here ready to slap this lady. I didn’t like her in my business like that. All she needed to know was what I told her in these face-to-face meetings. I was gonna have to have a talk with my mother about her little logs when I got home.

“And the clock strikes three,” I mumbled triumphantly to myself with my eyes glued to the clock above the window, just before cutting my eyes at her with a smirk, “Well I guess I’ll be going now.”

Dr. Stevenson stared at me blankly then sat back in her chair, crossed her hands down in her lap, and smiled “You know, you don’t always have to be so eager to leave Christopher.”

That almost earned some hearty laughter right there. I settled for a light chuckle and a smile instead as I rose quickly from my seat “Yeah… you have a good day Dr. Stevenson.”

I didn’t even stick around to see the expression on her ghostly face or hear any other bullshit she had to say to me. It was three o’clock on the dot… I have never and will never stick around a minute past my allotted time.

I could feel her staring at me as I made my way to the door and out into the hall, but I didn’t care to turn back to even glance at her. Not when all of my focus had gone to vibrations from the phone in my hand. I looked down at it and noticed that same unknown number that’d been calling for days now. Nibbling into my bottom lip, I rushed down the remainder of the hall and out of the building altogether before swiping my finger across the green button at the bottom of the screen.

“Hello…”

He wore a sinister smirk as he sat there staring at me. Maybe it wasn’t even sinister, but my mind was telling me that his motives weren’t good at all, therefore it was sinister. Whatever the case, I didn’t like the expression on his face. I maintained my composure though, because I’d smoked a blunt on my way here so I was totally relaxed and level headed. We were at a bar and grille in the center of town. It was the only way I would agree to meet him… publicly. Not because I feared for my safety… I feared for his. I hated this man with every bone in my body… I hated him more than I hated my father, which is a lot of hate. So why I agreed to meet him at all today, was totally beyond me.

I’d always had a gut feeling that I knew exactly who it was that’d been blowing my phone up since the day I literally bumped into him at the convenience store. Day in and day out, no less than three times a day, my phone rang and it was always that same unknown number. It wasn’t until today that I decided to answer and it wasn’t until today that I decided to face him again.

“How you been, lil bro?”

I stared, with a blank face, across the length of the table at him… Trey… my sworn enemy. If I really wanted to, I could totally kill this guy right now… and I did really want to. But, again… that was indeed the reason for meeting publicly, I can’t just kill the guy in the middle of this restaurant.

“Why the fuck do you have my number?” I spoke, surprisingly, calm with a demeanor to match as I stared blankly across the table at him.

He wore a smirk that never seemed to really leave his face and it pissed me off. But I was high, so calm I remained.

“Come on man, why wouldn’t I have my baby brothers contact information?” He chuckled.

I stared at him… this man… who was not of any relation to me, and blinked leisurely. Trey was so far from relevant in my life at this point, I couldn’t get upset with him for saying stupid shit even if I tried. If only he knew the life I’ve lived since my last encounter with him… I didn’t have space in my heart to hold a grudge against his ass. I was just content hating him.

“Well… why the fuck do you keep calling me?” I asked, again, calmly.

He shrugged casually and looked off to the right side of the restaurant, then smirked and cut his eyes at me “How’s Sy’Diyah?”

Clenching my jaw tight, I quickly licked my lips and made a sudden move to slide out of the booth. He was obviously here to play games and I was obviously not here for that, so fuck him if he thought the shit was funny.

“Chill out man, chill. It’s only a question.”

Ignoring him, I continued to slither to the edge of the booth to make my exit. I could literally feel the demon in me internally combatting the marijuana in my system and the moment my anger won the battle against calmness… I was sure to reach across the table and strangle him to death.

“Kin, calm down.” Snapping my head around to face him, I glared at him menacingly and became rigid just before I could get my left leg out of the booth.

“Listen to me, don’t ever fucking call me that again in your life. And if you ever let me hear you say her name again, I will slice your fucking neck from ear to ear with my own fingernails.”

For the first time since I’d ever had to face this asshole, he stared at me with a somber expression and dare I say… fear in his eyes. He composed himself within the blink of an eye of course, but the fear was there… I was sure of that.

“Alright dawg, chill okay. My bad.”

“Now what the fuck do you want?” I was still teetering on the edge of the booth, fully prepared to bolt in one second flat if I had to.

He licked his lips quickly and for once in his irrelevant ass life, looked at me in all seriousness… no smirk “You should probably know that I stay in pretty constant contact with Eze. He’s been keeping me updated on everything going on with you and…”

I was shaking my head before he could even finish that thought and that seemed to shut him up pretty quick “Why is he telling you anything about my life? That has nothing to do with you.”

“He only tells me when I ask.”

“Why the fuck are you asking?” I gritted.

“Because man…” He sighed and lifted a hand to the back of his neck, turning to look out across the restaurant again.

The longer I stared at him, the more I started to realize he hadn’t smirked again since I unintentionally threatened him. Whatever was on his corrupted ass mind must have been pretty deep, because I’d never known this guy to not wear that arrogant ass smirk on his face… I’d never even seen him without that arrogant ass smirk on his face.

The longer he sat there pondering whatever the hell he wanted to say, the more impatient I became. He wasn’t saying shit, I was wasting my time, so I made another move to swing my leg out of the booth but of course he stopped me yet again.

“Chris just… chill out for a second alright. I know exactly how you feel bro… this shit ain’t easy.”

As I stared at him and the distraught look on his face, I could feel my brows furrowing and I straightened my posture against the back cushion of the chair. I was honestly getting more curious by the second of what he had to say.

“It ain’t easy man…” He mumbled, dropping his head and shaking it shamefully.

“The fuck are you talking about dude?”

“I have bipolar disorder too bro. I understand the shit you’ve been going through.”

My thoughts all came screeching to a halt and I blinked rapidly as I stared at him with my head tilted curiously. I really didn’t know how to react to what he said, so I sat there quietly watching him as he looked everywhere else but me. How was I even supposed to feel hearing that? Happy… excited because somebody else just revealed that they were half as crazy as me? If anything, I was irritated because the only thing I could think about was Eze walking around spreading my business like it was his job. Next time I see his ass, I swear…

“I don’t know, I just… I felt like I needed to finally reach out to you and…”

“And what man?” I spoke softly but harshly and stared at him intently as I tried to refrain from screaming dead in his face, “You wanted to reach out to me to tell me you’re fucked up in the head too… like I didn’t already know that? What, you thought that shit was gonna help you bond with me? Nigga I don’t care what you have going on… I got my own shit to worry about.”

With a sigh he dropped his head and shook it “I know that bro… Eze told me you and… your girlfriend were expecting.”

I really wanted to laugh because I knew he didn’t take my threat a few minutes ago lightly, but I could feel my face contorting into a scowl before the laughter even came “Yo, what the fuck. I don’t need you to know my business like that at all bruh. Whatever that nigga told you, you need to forget it… now. And stop fucking communicating with him about me. He shouldn’t even know this much information about me.”

“Why are you so combative right now? I’m honestly just tryna talk to you…”

He damn near snatched the next breath right from my mouth with that question… why was I so combative? Was he serious? I sat there staring at him blankly as he stared right back waiting for a response. I needed to be so much higher than I initially thought to make it through this encounter.

“Why am I so combative… you just wanna talk… this is a joke right? Like… you… you’re just fucking with me, right?”

He chuckled humorlessly through his nose and crossed his arms up on the surface of the table “I’m not fucking with you Chris. Listen, like you… I’ve been in intensive psychotherapy ever since our… last encounter. I don’t know… I guess since I’ve been taking a more holistic and professional approach to this whole issue, I’ve been coming to terms with a lot more shit in my life. One of the main things being my relationship with my family and more importantly… my relationship with you. No matter what the circumstances, you are still my little brother and… I just thought it would be nice for me to step up and play a bigger role as your sibling.”

My blank stare remained intact as I listened to this bullshit ooze from his mouth and by the time he finally stopped talking, I actually had to bite my lip to prevent from lashing out at him.

“Trey, let’s talk about something different real quick… let’s talk about why the fuck I hate you to begin with,” He attempted to raise a hand to get me to stop talking, but I snarled at him and closed the one hand I had resting against the table into a fist, shutting him down immediately “You said what you had to say, right? Let me fucking talk. I don’t like you and you don’t like me and that’s been a known fact since the day we both found out about each other. I don’t know why you’re trying to miraculously play this wonderful big brother suddenly, but let me tell you now… stop it. You know you almost ruined my fucking life man. You deliberately tried to take away the two most important people in my life and now you think we can be the best of friends… no nigga, shit really don’t work like that. So fuck you and whatever this attempt is to be cool with me. Fuck Eze for feeding you all these details about my life like he gives a fuck about me. Lose my fucking number, aiight. If you call me again, I will track you down and kill you.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but this time I finally swung my leg out of the booth and stomped off from the table. I weaseled my way through the throng of people in the overcrowded restaurant as quick as I could and eventually I made it out to the parking lot.

I was almost home free… until I heard this niggas voice, again behind me “Chris wait man… please.”

“What Tremaine? Fucking what… what… WHAT?” Now that we were outside and not under the watchful eye of a building full of people, I finally had my chance to scream at this nigga and I did just that as I twirled around to face him. He was approaching me fast, assuming he wouldn’t have been able to catch me, but what I’m sure he wasn’t expecting was for me to stalk right back toward his ass and get right in his shit.

“I-I… I wanna apologize for all the shit that’s gone down between us man. I’m not here to make excuses, at all… but I was in a fucked up place back then. I was only diagnosed a few months before you, so I know I was a loose cannon. I know that and I’m sorry. I could have taken your life, your son’s life… Sy’Di…”

Before her name could spill from his rotten ass lips, my arms moved before my mind could catch up and the next thing I knew I was glaring into his eyes as I squeezed the life out of his neck.

“What did I fucking tell you, huh? What the fuck did I just tell your bitch ass in this restaurant?”

I pushed him up against the wall of the building, ignoring the gasps of a few onlookers making their way inside. My chest was starting to heave and the rims of my pupils were starting to cloud over with rage. I couldn’t see anything but him. Couldn’t focus on anything… but him. As I glared into his dark eyes, my own not even bothering to blink, I watched the life slowly drain from them. He didn’t even try to put up a fight as I squeezed harder, hoping that I could feel the bones in his neck snap before he ran out of oxygen.

“Chris…” He whispered. His face was starting to bloat like a red balloon, but I didn’t plan on letting up anytime soon. Not until I was sure that he was dead.

“Hey man, what the hell is going on?” I could hear the voice of a man from my right, but I couldn’t even see anyone through my peripheral because I was quickly beginning to zone out. Just when this nigga shut his eyes, surely on the brink of succumbing to a necessary death, I felt a hand snatch at my right arm and several other hands cling to the back of my shirt. They tugged desperately, yelling in my face as they did so until I finally blinked and remembered where I was. With a soft gasp I let go. I allowed these random strangers to snatch me back from my enemy and watched as Trey went slithering down the side of the wall with his hands clasping his neck.

“What the fuck is your problem buddy?” Some bald white man yelled, attempting to keep a grip on my arm but to no avail. I snatched away from him, pushed him away from me, and turned to speed walk to my mother’s car on the other side of the parking lot.

#chrisbrown #chrisbrownff #chrisbrownfanfic #jasminesanders #chrisbrownfanfiction #jasminesandersff #teambreezy #teambreezyff #fanfiction #fanfic

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ctl-yuejie · 6 years ago

Text

HP!TayNew

part 4: warm on a cold morning

( 2.6 k)

thanks as always to @earthpodd , @bl-phillip @ziq-panda + @somewhatavidreader for the sweetest tags and comments (and still reading this fic ^^)

special thanks to @sluttynewwiee who is the owner of this plot bunny

read on ao3 (part 1 2 3.1 3.2 3.3 5)

Now that it was late October it had gotten too cold to swim even for Newwiee. Usually he’d cast charms in the winter to help him stay warm but now that a skrewt might be on the loose it was too much of a hassle to add protective charms as well.

Besides, Tay’s grandmother had sent two two-way mirrors so most of his nights were spend lying in bed while talking to Tay about everything they hadn’t found the time to discuss during the day. At first, he had been confused as to why Tay would give him something this valuable. But apparently Tay’s grandmother had intended to only sent one and keep the other for herself to stay in contact with her grandson, but had put both of them into the package by mistake.

Tay had decided to keep both and had later handed one to him. Whatever Tay had been thinking, now they were talking to each other as much as they wanted, whenever they felt like it. Which almost always ended up being in the wee hours of the night, thus messing up his workout routine.

So instead of swimming Newwiee had picked up flying again. It was something he usually did from time to time to clear his head, when everything around him got too loud and he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Even if it was only for a while, the feeling of being not confined by the thick walls of Hogwarts was freeing.

From high above its towers the castle looked deserted. No noise could be heard from the ground and no one was visible from that altitude either. Not only did people appear to be non-existent; his worries would shrink the higher he’d soar into the air.

Newwiee reveled in this self-imposed solitude.

Even though he had been the commentator of the last two Quidditch seasons at Hogwarts he had never tried out for the team. He enjoyed the full control he had about where he’d go and when he’d come back. It was the silence that he craved when he was riding on his broom.

But flying in lazy circles about the edges of the forbidden forest he found his mind wandering to his late-night talks with Tay. Normally he’d fly to forget that there were other people around him, but thinking about Tay like this made him feel warm. Going back to their last argument, thinking about a wittier comeback for next time or imagining what Tay was doing at this exact moment was something he found to be quite enjoyable.

Now that they had gotten closer, Newwiee had started to invite Tay to go fly with him on several occasions. Tay had declined his proposal every time. When Newwiee had suspected that Tay just could not fly, Tay had looked insulted. He had taken proper classes in school and believed that he was good enough.

Truth was that he could barely hold himself up for long due to his fear of heights. He never acknowledged his phobia, convincing himself that the wobbly way he handled brooms was the same for everyone. For him there was no reason to go that high and fast on something this unsafe anyways.

Newwiee asked him again on a Saturday.

Quidditch season would start soon and the grounds would get busier. Tay declined, using homework as an excuse.

He had no idea why he wouldn’t just tell Newwiee that he wasn’t that into flying. Finally, Newwiee had pressed him for a better answer, saying that Tay could just tell him if he didn’t want to hang out with him. But Tay had stuck to his excuse.

Having found refuge in the library he was about to open his books when he remembered that he had already finished his assignments. Rain started to knock against the windows.

He wondered whether Newwiee was still out there flying his rounds. It was most likely that no one else was on the grounds in this weather. Must be lonely. Or Newwiee enjoyed the solitude. But if he did why had he asked him to join. And why was he so adamant on not going. Spending time with Newwiee was fun, classes had become much more exciting since they had hit it off at the lake and he enjoyed their banter and the insults they’d playfully throw at each other.

Nowadays, they spent most of the time during Astronomy classes lying next to each other while talking about everything. Tay would occasionally talk over Newwiee while he was in deep contemplation because he had identified the cry of some animal in the night, which would get him a playful nudge in return.

But spending time alone outside of class with just the two of them…

His stomach tightened. Every time Newwiee had asked him to join, he had felt sick just by imagining them flying next to each other.

It was not because he was busy.

Not because he disliked flying to that degree.

Not because he thought it wouldn’t be fun to circuit the school.

Not because he was afraid of making a fool of himself in front of Newwiee.

But because hanging out with just the two of them, away from the distraction by others, would make him painfully aware of how much Newwiee meant to him.

And how he must mean a lot to Newwiee, but not quite enough.

He didn’t know what to do with himself. Groaning he buried his head in his hands. Hoping that the rain drumming on the window would clear his head of all thoughts. Tay wanted to get out of the library and do something but at the same time it felt like he was tied down to his chair and any move he took would hurt too much.

He couldn’t really hide forever. They sat next to each other in almost all classes, so disassociating himself would be weird as well.

And he really wanted to talk to Newwiee. Bicker with him in class. Argue about everything. Just have him next to him. If it was Newwiee he wouldn’t mind getting thrown out of Snape’s class for arguing, he wouldn’t care anymore about what teacher was scary or his grades or the reputation of his family. His everything got centered around Newwiee. But right now, it was all too much.

Tay returned to the Hufflepuff Basement late.

“No Gun?”, he asked upon entering their room. “He’s out enjoying himself.” Off was lounging on his bed, going through his clothes to prepare for the weekend trip to Hogsmeade. “Mhmmm.”

The room was weirdly silent.

“Yo, Peng. Looks like Newwiee is grumpy. He thinks you’re evading him. Gun told me.” “Mhmmm.” “You could just go and fly with him? Or tell him a better excuse.”

Tay grumbled something into his pillow in response.

Even though his night had been restless, Tay was up really early the next day. When his stomach wouldn’t stop rumbling he decided to go ahead to the Great Hall and have breakfast. There was no movement from Off’s bed.

Once he sat down on one of the long benches his appetite had vanished completely. He nibbled on his noodles but just got grumpier by the minute when they turned cold and soggy because he was taking too long. Lost in his discomfort, he thought about how to best act next time he saw Newwiee.

His head hit the table with a thump. Waking up early after getting close to no sleep hadn’t been a good idea after all.

“It’s disappointing that your head didn’t hit the bowl”, Newwiee piped up from across the table. “What time is it?” Tay mumbled while forcing his eyes open, too sleepy to freak out about Newwiee and him being almost the only people in the Great Hall. “Few minutes past seven.”

He had only dozed off for half an hour.

Vision still blurry he sat up straight, Newwiee’s face starting to slowly get into focus.

Newwiee’s full attention was focused on a small gadget in his hand while he was eating. They had met each other just yesterday but for some reason Newwiee looked different to him today. His dark brown eyes seemed to twinkle and Tay hoped that he’d look up and lock eyes with him. He caught himself wishing that he could make Newwiee laugh so that his eyes would vanish in a smile just for him. Every time Newwiee would take a bite of his breakfast his dimples would show and to Tay they suddenly looked inexplicably cute. He felt the urge to trace them with his fingers. Newwiee’s cheeks seemed to be really soft as well. In his head he was caressing Newwiee’s face, softly touching the mole on his nose, when his eyes wandered to Newwiee’s lips.

There was no way he could stop being close to Newwiee. Hanging out with him was too much fun, they connected in a way he had never connected with anyone before. It would be physically impossible for him to keep himself from interacting with him, from wanting to be near him.

Maybe it would hurt sometimes. But it would be worth it. Probably. He would be fine with just looking at Newwiee like this from time to time. Maybe. Staying like this was the only real option he had, so he would just have to adjust himself with having these feelings. Not knowing if he could turn back or if they would go away eventually he decided not to repress them. Hurting every now and then was enough already without forcing himself to change his heart.

Before he could get lost in his thoughts some more, he took notice of what Newwiee was eating.

“You are having cake?” Newwiee didn’t even bother to stop chewing, eyes never leaving the gadget in his hand. “It’s my breakfast.” “Cake is not a meal!” Tay insisted forgetting all about the recent awkwardness between them. “And soggy noodles are?” Newwiee shot right back, without so much as looking at him. “It’s all sugar. You’ll get even fatter”, Tay said in a playful tone.

Newwiee was not having it. Without saying anything he just kicked Tay lightly under the table. Off and Gun were right. He really was mad at Tay for evading him.

“How was…”, he started again, unsure whether Newwiee still wanted to talk to him. But Newwiee understood what he was getting at. “Didn’t fly after all. Too much rain.” Just the thought of yesterday seemed to dampen his mood even further. “Do you want to try again today?” For the first time this morning Newwiee looked directly at him. “Together?” Tay held his breath after the words had left his lips.

Newwiee sighed before kicking him once more.

“No assignments today?” Tay bit his tongue. He didn’t feel like lying again. Newwiee’s face finally softened and he nodded. “You should eat something before that though.” And with that he finished the rest of the cake and stood up to leave.

“Meet me in 10 minutes at the middle courtyard.”

Tay watched him leave, still feeling somewhat uneasy, unsure whether he had made the right choice. At least it felt like some of the weight on him had been lifted and his appetite returned.

After putting on a thick hoodie and a huge scarf he wandered outside. Newwiee was already waiting for him, wearing only a thin sweater and holding a slick broom in one hand.

He scrunched up his face when he saw the school broom Tay was holding.

“Thought you were rich enough to buy a decent broom?” His annoyance with Tay seemed to not have completely vanished just yet. “Not that much into flying. Stop being an arse.” Newwiee stepped closer to playfully hid Tay on the back of his head. His anger seemed to have been resolved at last.

They got onto their brooms and took off, slowly ascending over the walls of the courtyard heading towards the Great Lake. The wind felt refreshing on Tay’s face. In the distance the sun was climbing up the horizon, illuminating the geese that were flying over the water.

Newwiee chatted non-stop about the latest brooms, going on and on about the Siberian Arrow. His Firebolt Supreme was the latest model, but apparently not good enough. Tay teased him about needing a professional broom even though all he was doing was lazily fly over Hogwarts.

“Wait till you see me fly at home.” Newwiee hollered and Tay quite liked the idea of being invited to his home just like that.

“For what? To watch you show off in front of your parents?”

Newwiee suddenly pulled up next to him and nudged him in mock-anger. It was just a small push but it made Tay lose control over his broom and while he tried to steady himself he made the mistake of looking down. While they had been talking over one another constantly they had gained some considerable height without Tay realizing it. His hands on the broomstick became clammy and his whole body started to shake.

Newwiee immediately held onto his arm to steady him.

“Wowowow…you okay?”

Tay didn’t know why he felt so embarrassed. He was older after all. But be it in class or out here, somehow Newwiee always seemed to have the upper hand.

“Not a big fan of heights”, he managed to press out between gritted teeth, eyes still fixed on the ground below him.

Newwiee laughed softly. It seemed like he had come to the conclusion that Tay’s reluctance to go fly with him stemmed only from his fear of heights. It seemed like he finally wasn’t holding a grudge against him anymore. Tay wasn’t going to correct him. He didn’t want to complicate things further. Besides he wouldn’t know how to explain himself in a way that wouldn’t reveal his feelings too much.

“We can go lower than this.” Newwiee said softly. “Urghhh”, was all that Tay could answer. Unable to move, just the thought of dropping down towards the ground made him feel sick. Newwiee sighed but moved his broom closer to Tay’s.

“You can hop over if you want to. Just swing your leg over my broomstick.” It was hard enough for Tay to raise his eyes and it took him several minutes to move according to Newwiee’s instructions.

After finally settling in place behind Newwiee he commanded the school broom to fly back to its shed with a swish of his wand, the other hand forcefully holding onto Newwiee’s sweater.

“That broom seemed to be very happy to get away from you”, Newwiee snickered. Tay put his wand away to be able to hit him, but just as he raised his hand Newwiee decided to dip the broom, making them race towards the ground at a steep angle.

Throwing his arms around Newwiee just in time Tay screamed into his ear while clinging onto his back. The wind blew passed them with force, making it hard to breath.

Newwiee was screaming like a mad man until he finally pulled up again and they slowed down.

The wind had left his ears red and sore and his knuckles hurt from grabbing onto Newwiee too tightly.

Nevertheless, laughter escaped him as they flew over the Great Lake and he relaxed against Newwiee’s back, putting his head on his shoulder while watching the birds pass them by. His breath evened out and turning his nose to the front he drank in Newwiee’s scent while closing his eyes.

If he could control himself like this, keep his feelings steady, then everything would be alright. He could stay right here next to Newwiee and everything would be fine.

to be continued

part 5

#hp!taynew #hp taynew drabbles #tay tawan #newwiee #taynew #new thitipoom #newtay #somehow the tone changes and i can't seem to even it out...#well...we get tay with a lot of feels in this one

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driftingglass · 7 years ago

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Your writing is absolutely stunning and I can't help but be amazed by it. I have read all your fic's and I love all of them. I love writing but I believe mine is average and I really want to improve. How can you write so beautifully? How long did it take you to write in such way? ( practicing I mean) 😊❤

First of all, thank you for taking the time to leave this comment in my inbox, and for providing such a thoughtful question to mull over. This is important for any writer to address, and I’m honored you’re seeking advice from a writer like me. I’m always insecure about my skills as a writer and learning how to continuously develop is difficult for anyone, no matter how experienced and well-rehearsed.

There are a few simple rules that I’ll share with you that I practice myself, and other personal beliefs that keep the process moving.

I don’t have a specific timeline set out because I can’t remember a time where I didn’t write. I was horrible at it, understandably, at first, like most everyone. Still sinking into this new “skin,” so to speak, that I understood was the eventual layer of writing I wanted to reach and hold onto.

Unfortunately, I can’t provide a “step by step” process to achieve a certain kind of style. That, ultimately, is up to you. But we’ll get more into that later.

For one thing, it’s essential to know how much you love writing.

And clearly, you seem to care quite a lot about it, hence that you love it but you believe it’s “average” and you want to improve. I’m not going to say that average writers don’t exist, because they do. People who tell you that every writer is “good in their own way” are wrong.

Not every writer is good. Of course, this can be subjective to a point, but the fact remains that there are degrees of separation. And there is, at least in my experience and journey, a main difference between great writers, average writers, and, yes, terrible writers.

I want to make it clear that I don’t consider myself to be a great writer by any means. Like every creative, we’re always pushing ourselves to be better and hone our craft, and this is no different for me. It’s an endless scope of a process that requires discipline and evolution, and both your own critical eye and that of another.

One of the most important aspects of being a writer is understanding the amount of time and commitment you will need to carve out for your craft. “Good” and “average” writers only write and read every other day. Terrible writers don’t put in the time at all.

But you don’t want to be good or average, do you? I doubt you even want to consider yourself “great” at one point. You want to be solid, and the best you can be. Maybe even the best.

And what I want to share with you is what separates the average from the best.

In order to become that level, or at least improve, you must make the time to read and write every single day. It could be as little as 250 words or as many as 10,000 when it comes to writing. And reading? Well, reading is accomplished no matter what, but reading essays, articles, nonfiction, fiction, it all counts towards something.

It’s important to take the time to both consume from other influences, genres, sentence structures, ideas, plot developmental strategies, etc. just by reading other works. Invest in your favorite genre of fiction or whatever you’re interested in practicing yourself, and watch as even your subconscious works to help you grow.

My average wordcount per day is 4,000 to 5,000 words. I also tend to overwrite quite a bit, and cut away the unnecessary fat later. My heaviest wordcount taken in one day caps off at 11,000 words.

I get up early in the morning, go to the gym or run outside to get the blood flowing, write for a solid hour, then leave for work that same morning. It requires a lot of discipline and no, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it. And after work I write as well until I reach my goal for that day.

Although I might also be a wee bit insane. So take that into account when asking for advice from someone who cares way more about writing than pretty much anything else, save for… coffee, some animals, and a handful of friends.

Regardless, this is something every great writer does. They make the time.

Start small, and grow from there. See how many words you can accomplish in one busy day. Create a routine for yourself. Let the ideas flow and grow into something that even surprises you.

There are countless writing prompts, exercises and more to draw influence from. With my own ideas I just think of them on the spot, but in college I tended to look for prompts for short story concepts that didn’t require more than one ginormous chapter to set up a plot.

I’m hesitant to give advice about critiquing because I’m ware of how much this is a problem for me personally. I’m very harsh about my writing and can be obsessive about the turnout, leading to an ironic series of burnouts and even stalling.

However, I can say that being critical, while sometimes dismissed by friends and colleagues, is absolutely necessary for you to improve. If you notice something off about your sentence structure, or if you realize that a character you’ve created definitely would not say “that line,” then feel free to erase it.

One of the best things about writing is that you are in control of your own imagination, and what you put down.

Just remember that it’s normal to feel burned out.

Writing, like any passion, takes a lot of practice, time and commitment to make into something grand and beautiful. Your style will grow into itself and you’ll find a reflection of you in what you create. I never planned to have a certain style.

The moment you try to replicate every other writer instead of accepting the type of writer you are meant to be, is one of many mistakes a first-time writer makes. Take it from someone who struggled with this for years before finding the courage to understand that writing is a process.

Writing is rewriting. Remember this too.

It’s easy to forget how not everything you craft will be perfect. Writing is always imperfect. Even the best writers are far from perfect. Because perfection is, well, impossible to achieve.

All that you can control is how hard you work at it, what you choose to focus on to improve your craft, and how you choose to approach your inevitable mistakes.

The fear of failure is one of the biggest reasons great minds stop before they go through with what they want to accomplish. Sometimes it’s truly the only difference separating a published work from an unpublished work.

Believe me, these upcoming aspects will tie together. I don’t intend to leave you hanging.

J.K. Rowling was rejected twelve times for Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (and probably even more). Pierce Brown faced rejection from over 120 agents before he was able to sell Red Rising. Stephen King, Neil Gaiman, J.R.R. Tolkien, William Golding, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Rudyard Kipling–and so many more, have all faced rejection.

But rejection is inevitable for anyone who dreams. In fact, let’s move away from just writers for a moment. Would you believe that Walt Disney himself was turned down from his plans of financing the Walt Disney Company over 300 times?

Success never falls into laps. Real success is made by actions taken. The choice to take those steps and keep moving forward, and never giving up, is one of the most important things about being a writer (and person).

If you remain in a comfort zone, you will forever be stagnant. Growth only comes to those who challenge themselves and push forward. If you struggle with adapting character, research and figure out ways to make them more personal. Do you struggle with dialogue? Read your phrases allowed, study the character more, and test out different clauses and details.

There are countless ways to approach improving writing. It takes a myriad of steps, and it all comes down to the all-around focus you want to have.

You know you want to improve. You know that you love writing. And for some, that’s enough of a reason to throw yourself into it and see what happens.

As one last thing to close this off (I could go on and on about this for days), please remember that your style is unique to you. It is a part of who you are, not anyone else. Everyone has writing influences (dozens, even) but their style is meant to be that. An influence. Not a replication.

It’s a difficult journey and extremely stressful and heartbreaking at times, but it’s so, so rewarding.

Writing, while something that’s incredibly wonderful to share with the world, is ultimately about you. You should write for you, so write what you want to write, reshape it accordingly, and keep at it until you reach your goal… and then keep going.

I wish you the best with your endeavors, Anon. Thank you.

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thomashull1993 · 4 years ago

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What Is The Age Of Height Increase Stunning Useful Ideas

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wanderbitesbybobbie · 5 years ago

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REAL TALK: Inside a Bipolar Mind Amidst a Pandemic

Three nights ago, I sent an e-mail to my psychiatrist. The e-mail went this way…

Hi, Dra. Belle. How are you? I hope you’re doing well and good and most of all healthy. I’m doing OK, with all the Covid 19 things happening. I just had 1 breakdown so far which I would really like to discuss with you on our next consult if there’s any slot available. I was scheduled for April 6 appointment, but if there’s any slot left for May, I would gladly take it. I’m not that anxious at the moment as I’ve been trying to avoid stressful news. Over all, I’m OK, except that I find it really hard to sleep again. Probably because I’m just at home, and I don’t have that much activities compared to my usual routine. I do cardio exercises, I write a lot for my blog, but because there’s longer time to rest, I really find it hard to sleep at night. I keep waking up with the body twitches again, and because of lack of sleep I’m usually irritable. I badly need to take Clonotril again. However, I can’t seem to find your latest prescription of Clonazepam (Clonotril), I’m not sure if there was one issued last March. I tried to show Mercury Drug the Feb 3 prescription which has been unused, but they said it’s already expired. They said, they will accept E-Prescription, so I have to ask my doctor for it. May I please request another copy of the prescription for Clonazepam? I still have my Quetiapine prescription and I was able to use it, I just dunno where I placed the Clonazepam. I know you always hand me 2 prescriptions every time. 1 for Quetiapine and 1 for Clonazepam. I’m just not sure if I misplaced the other one, or if I forgot to get a prescription for it last time. If it’s possible, please send it here on my e-mail. I only have 1 left in my stash and I’m a bit panicking because I can’t find the latest prescription. I attached here the photo of the February prescription. Thank you so much. Hope to hear from you soonest. Keep safe and God Bless.

I stood in front of the counter at my local pharmacy. It took them around half an hour before they were able to dispense my medication. Though my psychiatrist have issued the latest prescription, the pharmacist had to call the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency to verify how legit my papers were. Yes, it’s a usual practice. One of my medications is a controlled drug, and it is heavily regulated by PDEA. So I waited for the pharmacist until someone from PDEA answered their call. I kept calm. There was nothing I could do anyway.

SURVIVING THE QUARANTINE

It has been a month since the government decided to put the entire Luzon (northern part of the Philippines which includes Manila) on a community quarantine. All movements are limited. Mass transportation has been stopped. There are checkpoints everywhere. People from the private sector were asked to work from home. The government is badly trying to flatten the curve. Covid-19 has been winning for the last months. It has taken over the major economic centers of the world, USA, Italy, Spain, United Kingdom, China, Japan, it did not spare anyone. It took the rich and the poor, the old and the young. As of this writing, there are 2,215,167 Cases in the world, 149,676 Deaths, and about 560,672 has recovered according to Worldometers Info. It does not look good, wherever angle you would look at it.

I honestly don’t know where I stand, but I have a lot of things in mind. It’s 2:15 AM. If you would notice, most of my articles are posted at wee hours like this. Why? BECAUSE I HATE SLEEPING. I have recently discovered this during the time of this pandemic. I hate it when the clock strikes at around 12 midnight, that means I have to put myself to sleep again. Sleep is essential I know, but for someone like me who has a massive trouble sleeping, it’s not a pleasurable process. It comes with my disorder. My brain is hyperactive (manic) at this time. I am not like a normal person, who simply lies down in bed, tuck themselves comfortably in, and instantly falls asleep. I have to take heavy medications to put my relentless active brain cells to shut down. I have to wait for hours until they take effect. If sleeping is a dilemma for me, the same goes with waking up. It takes the same amount of effort to put me to sleep to be able to get me up to function.

But conversely, I am somehow liking the quarantine. It gives me so much time to be away from my tiresome daily hustle. I don’t have to go out everyday for work. I don’t have to wake up early to get multiple things done in a day. I don’t have to force myself to deal with people. I wake up, prepare breakfast, watch Netflix, prepare food for lunch and dinner, take photos of the food I make, maybe write for my blog, watch more movies, send some replies to client inquiries, and then prepare to sleep again. It has been my routine. Sometimes, I do the laundry, clean the house parts by parts, insert some cardio exercises every other day, give my dog a bath, run through our supplies and make a list of what needs to be restocked. It’s on repeat, sometimes I even lose track of what day it is. Some days I go on a grocery run to buy stocks for 2 weeks. The long queues had never been my problem as I have a disability ID allowing me to go on the priority lane. Then again, I have always thought about the people around me. Some, computing their budgets while they read-through their grocery lists. Some, fidgeting on their phones, maybe posting rants about the unbelievable lines they had to go through just to get inside the supermarket. I never experienced any of it, and for the first time, I say thanks to my disability. My PWD ID itself is a powerful immunity. I am thankful that I wouldn’t have to wait in line, as it would definitely increase my exposure to the virus. I am at high-risk, I am asthmatic, with so many deficiencies (according to my last lab results) and I’m taking medications for my brain. There is little chance for me to survive it, so I am taking extra precautions. But because of Covid, I became thankful for a lot of things. Things that never mattered before the pandemic. I am thankful that supermarkets are always restocked with supplies. People wouldn’t have to worry about scarcity. After all, that’s what the President promised. “We have enough food and supplies.” I am thankful I could drive my car. I wouldn’t have to carry heavy supplies from Point A to Point B with the absence of public transport. I am thankful for God’s grace and that we have enough. I am thankful that I can share and I wouldn’t have to cry for help and rely on the government. This pandemic has made me grateful for so many things more than ever.

Somehow, I am surviving the quarantine. I managed to endure with only 1 anxiety breakdown. I cried my constant worries away all my what-ifs. I was angry, I was worried, I was stressed. But at that time, my anxiety was less of a concern. There was a bigger predicament lingering throughout the globe and that was to stay at home to avoid the virus. I know I have to cope by myself, mainly because a trip to my psychiatrist would potentially expose me to the virus. My medications kept me stable and I am functioning well (so far, so good). When boredom strikes, I turn to writing and cooking. I have known my disorder for more than a year now, and it is clearly triggered by stress. A pandemic like this is an obvious trigger. I know I have to carefully eliminate things that would cause me to react.

REACTING TO SOCIAL DISTANCING AND ISOLATION

But there’s always a downside to every situation like this. As I walk inside the supermarket, I watched how people behaved like dormant zombies slowly pushing their carts. Except, they don’t have any human triggers that would make them agitated. With the quarantine going on, only one person per household is allowed to go out. They become the “tributes” as they brave the great outdoors to restock their supplies. Social distancing has been implemented. No one is talking to each other as they keep a safe distance from one another. Everyone wore their “gears” of protection. Wearing a face mask is the new norm.

10 minutes of this for someone with a major anxiety disorder can easily trigger a meltdown. Isolation stimulates sadness and depression and reduces the feeling of optimism. That is a fact. How do I know? Because I have experienced this first-hand. I always thank the people who take their time to read what’s on my Disability ID. “Mental and Psycho-social”, meaning I can go from zero to maximum breakdown at any given time. Bipolar Disorder (depressed or manic) can sometimes be activated without any clear external factors. Therefore, I cannot be left alone for a long time.

GREATER DANGERS ASIDE FROM THE VIRUS

I am lucky because somehow, I can still control my thoughts and my moods. Fortunately, I have not gone hysterical in public (yet and I hope not). My history of breakdowns have been in the corners of my house or within the walls of my room. Crying on the train or in the bus in Sydney does not count. I wasn’t hysterical. I have been applying everything from my therapies, from breathing exercises on how to calm down and talking to the people around me. I air out every feeling and emotion whether it’s happiness, sadness, excitement, fear, or whatever that comes in between. I still have a full-stock of my medications. Also, reading and writing has been my outlet. My extremely active mind has been converting somewhat manic thoughts to productivity, hence my multiple blog entries. I have a lot of things to say, so much in my mind, but I was taught in therapy that not everything needs a reaction.

Having a look around, there is no lucid conclusion with what lies ahead. Everything is not as stable as it seemed to be. No one was prepared. Everybody, including the most powerful are being challenged. It has become inevitable. But you know what greatly affects the world that seems to be unforeseen? People like me, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, are facing additional challenges. According to Psychology Today, only 2.5 % of the population share these challenges: MOOD ELEVATION AND FULL BLOWN MENTAL BREAKDOWNS. 2.5 % of the world is Bipolar, and God knows what kind of cognitive and behavioral efforts for stress management we undertake amidst a crisis like this. Let’s take everything into consideration, not only Bipolar Disorder, but the list of other Mental Disorders can go on and on.

What is equally concerning is the amount of people suffering from anxiety even without having a proper diagnosis. The pandemic has brought this upon us. More people have become anxious. For some reason, I find myself very lucky. I was already geared with coping mechanisms before this happened. What happens to those who cannot manage?

Looking into the vast expanse of uncertainty and seclusion leaves people to mull over things that could possibly transpire in the future, at the mercy of their confused train of thoughts. The world feels further away, with everyone having their own sets of worries. Fears become louder. It has become a very unhealthy environment.

General access to uninterrupted screen time increases the pressure on the mental health even more. Social media, the news, anything that frequently suggest or conveys to your conscious or unconscious mind that you might be in danger are considered “threats” to your sanity and causes more fear. Leaving our vulnerable minds bare to a steady stream of these keep us all in an anxious mode. The accumulation of stress-triggers to our brain can develop more pessimistic thought patterns, and unnecessary emotions towards our current circumstances.

I am reaching out to all my fellow Mental Health Advocates, and to everyone who can possibly read this post. These are indeed out of the ordinary times for us. As we come to the point that we impose measures to protect our physical health, how about we do the same for our mental health? Try to listen to ourselves in a deeper context. Remember, we don’t have to go through this alone. Seek help if you must. You might be required to keep a safe distance from people, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to disconnect.

KEEP CALM, KEEP SAFE AND MOST OF ALL HEALTHY, NOT JUST PHYSICAL, BUT MENTAL TOO. YOU ARE ALL IN MY MIND AND PRAYERS.

With Love From Quarantine,

REAL TALK: Inside a Bipolar Mind Amidst a Pandemic was originally published on WanderBitesByBobbie

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treblestudies · 7 years ago

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Back to School Advice

Since we are in full swing of the back-to-school season, I thought I would write out some advice for going back to school. This is mostly aimed at upperclassmen in high school because those are the years I remember most clearly, but it will probably help for other grades as well!

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that I'm an incoming college freshman, so I can't really give university advice (yet). However, I was extremely successful in high school and finished with a 4.0 GPA on a 4.0 scale (AP/IB/Honors Classes were not offered at my school) so I think I’m slightly qualified to help high school students.

ORGANIZATION

Get yourself a planner. I personally think that this is the most important part of going back to school (and for everyday life in general). It can be anything, really, as long as it’s a system that works for you. I really like the Recollections planner from Michael’s. It’s basically a knockoff Erin Condren, and it’s a lot less expensive. I also really enjoy bullet journaling, but I plan on making a more specific post about this later. There are spiral bound planners, such as the Lilly Pulitzer agendas; ring bound planners, such as Kikki.K or Filofax; hardbound planners like Moleskine; and the options are endless. I recommend trying out a few different styles of planners throughout your high school career in order to know what works best for you by the time you head off for college.

Deep clean your bedroom. This might sound a bit odd, but I find that it is a lot easier to be successful during the school year when I have a clean and organized living space. When I say deep clean, I truly mean deep clean. Take everything out of your closet, dresser, bookshelf, everywhere. Place it all on your floor and pick up every single item in your hands. Ask yourself, “Does this item spark joy?” (This is commonly known as the KonMari method). If the answer isn’t yes, get rid of it. You can sell, donate, or just throw it away (or recycle, if possible). Once you’ve gone through all of your belongings, give everything a home. This way you will know exactly where it should return to the next time you use it.

While you’re at it, deep clean your desk. Do this the same way as your bedroom. Keep only what you need.

Develop a cleaning/organizing routine. This can involve anything you’d like. I like to go through all of my school work and notes at the end of each week, and all of my sheet music at the end of each semester. I have a very short, five-minute cleaning routine for my bedroom that I do each day before bed, as well as a slightly longer twenty minute routine once a week.

SCHOOL SUPPLIES

(Most of these links lead to Target. I personally shop at Staples a lot more than I do Target, but I feel like everyone else prefers Target, so that’s why I linked to there.)

A notebook and folder or a binder for each class. Decide which system works best for you. I prefer notebooks and folders because they work better for the types of classes I take. Make sure they are sturdy enough to last for the entire semester (if not longer). I’ve also seen people use expanding file folders instead of folders, notebooks, and binders, but I’ve personally never tried that for schoolwork. However, I do use an expanding file folder to organize all of my sheet music.

Loose-leaf/filler paper. I feel like this one goes without explanation. I really like the reinforced filler paper from Mead Five Star, but it’s pretty expensive. Target’s brand Up & Up has a very similar version that is just as good for a lot less money. I prefer college ruled paper, but they also have wide and graph ruled.

Pencils, both mechanical and old fashioned. I much prefer the way mechanical pencils write, but I’ve been told that some scantron machines don’t detect their lead, so I like to stay on the safe side by having a couple old fashioned No. 2 pencils. My favorites are the Paper Mate Clearpoint 0.7mm Mechanical Pencils and the Ticonderoga No. 2 Pre-Sharpened Pencils (I prefer the black ones because I think they have better erasers, but I couldn’t find them on the Target website).

Pens, pens, pens! I absolutely LOVE pens! I almost always write with a pen (except on sheet music, for obvious reasons), and I would consider myself a pen enthusiast. I usually write with my Lamy Safari (I actually have the limited edition Neon Coral pen, so I linked another color) or my Kaweco Sport fountain pens, but I realize that those aren’t quite as accessible for everyone as a gel or ballpoint pen. As far as “normal” pens go, I really enjoy the Pilot G2, Pilot Juice, Pilot Frixon, Papermate Inkjoy, and Papermate Flare pens. I could go on and on about pens, so if you have any questions just send me a message!

Erasers. My favorites are the Pentel Hi-Polymer erasers, both in cap and brick form. I find that these erasers don’t smudge or rip the paper like others do.

Pencil sharpener. I don’t have a favorite kind; I just buy whatever one is on sale.

Stapler and staples. I like the Swingline Tot Mini Stapler. It comes in a lot of different colors, and there are 1,000 staples included in the box. I also like that it is miniature, so it fits nicely in my pencil case.

Pencil case. I use the LIHIT LAB Pen Case. You don’t necessarily need one as big as this, but I carry a lot of things to class with me. I know that another popular choice is to use a makeup bag. I did that my sophomore year of high school and found that it worked decently well, but sometimes it was difficult to quickly find what I was looking for.

Scissors. Really any kind will do, but I like the children’s sized scissors because they will fit in my pencil case.

Highlighters. I was never big into highlighters. I use them a lot, but I don’t have a favorite brand. I usually buy the Sharpie Accent Highlighters, but I just ordered the Zebra Mildliner 5 Color Set from Amazon. These are a fan favorite within the studyblr community, and I’ve been interested in them for quite awhile.

There are other school supplies that you may need depending on what classes you take, but I think I covered the basics. As a music major, I also need manuscript notebooks so you can tailor this list to your liking.

SELF-CARE

Get some sleep. This one is extremely important. As someone who suffers from insomnia, I know how hard this can be, but try to form a regular sleep schedule. Please realize that it is more important to get some sleep than it is to stay up studying into the wee hours of the night (or more correctly: morning). It is very difficult to stay focused on your schoolwork when you are sleep deprived.

Eat breakfast. Yes, I know, I’m going to be cheesy and say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I always feel so much better when I have something to eat in the morning. It helps me focus throughout the day, and it gives me plenty of energy. I like to have toast with peanut butter, as well as an egg or two, but I understand that it can be difficult to prefer yourself a meal in the morning. It is better to eat just a little (such as a granola bar or an apple) rather than nothing at all.

Surround yourself with positive people. I recently did a cleanse of my Facebook Friends. If there’s anybody that is constantly posting negative content, I would recommend deleting them on any and all social media. I know it’s hard to do if they are a close friend or family member, but it will be better for your own well-being in the long run.

Set aside time for yourself. It can be as little as fifteen minutes or as long as five hours. It doesn’t really matter, as long as you have a specific amount of time set aside for “me time” every single day. You can do whatever you want. Read a book, listen to music, watch a movie. Just do something that you enjoy.

Drink plenty of water. I don’t think I need to write about why this is important. It helps to keep you healthy, your skin clear, your body awake, etc.

Another aspect of self-care is taking care of your mental illnesses - if you have any. I personally struggle with severe generalized anxiety disorder, so if you’d like a post about how to cope just hit me up.

AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES

Join a club, organization, or sport! I know that academics may be your main focus right now, but I find that it’s a lot easier to find a good group of friends when you all share a common interest. For example, if you really like music you could join marching band, an a cappella group, or a music appreciation club. (My high school actually didn’t have a large array of clubs and organizations, but I know that most large schools do). If there isn’t a group for what you are interested in, you can often mention it to your school board and start one yourself!

Join a study group. I like study groups because you (usually) aren’t required to attend every single session. That way if you’re too busy you don’t have to feel bad. They are very helpful when it comes to specific subjects/topics, and it’s useful to have a group of people you can turn to whenever you have any questions.

Don’t overload your schedule. While it is important to get involved, I also think it is important to not overwhelm yourself. If you are in eight classes, two sports, three clubs, and two student organizations (okay I know that’s overkill and an exaggeration, but you get what I mean) your schedule will be way too crowded and it will lead to stress. Please don’t do that to yourself. Only participate in the extra groups that you enjoy.

Try something new. If you have time, it can be really fun to try something new that you think you might enjoy. This doesn’t necessarily have to be school related (I wasn’t quite sure what category to put this in). It can be something as simple as learning how to knit, taking a Zumba class at your local gym, or setting a goal to try as many new foods as you can. Try whatever you’d like! I’m currently learning how to speak German, so maybe you can try something like that. (If you are thinking about learning a language, I highly recommend using the website version of Duolingo. The app is good as well, but the website has a lot of helpful information that isn’t included on the app.)

Alright, I think this is all that I have for you today! If you have any questions about this post, or if I didn’t cover something you’d like help with, just send me an ask or a private message and I will be glad to assist you!

- Erin

#back to school #advice #high school #college #university #self care #after school activities #school supplies #organization #planner #bullet journal #bujo #studyblr #studyspo #studyspiration #study motivation #mine #treblestudies #music major

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drferox · 8 years ago

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20 Questions with Dr Ferox #8

My gosh, there’s just so much stuff you vetlings want to know, isn’t there? Well, knowledge is good, so here we go with yet another info dump as I try to answer a big slew of your questions in one hit.

Anonymous said: I sometimes get your patreon emails or an update on your blog while I'm studying/struggling in the wee-hours of the morning (vetmed). I'm in WA, so where-ever you are it's also late/early. What are you doing up in the witching hours?

First of all, I am an AdultTM and as such I am permitted to set by own Bed Time. There are many reasons why you might receive notifications from me so ‘early’.

I have a blog post on queue every morning between 5am and 6am my time (so probably 3am and 4am your time). It goes up automatically, so I can see initial responses before I go to work.

I think Patreon sends its emails at the same time each day, regardless of when I post. I certainly don’t type there early in the morning.

Sometimes I’m on nightshift and can get kinda bored at 3am sometimes.

Sometimes I just can’t sleep, especially with the changing day/night cycles.

Most of the blog runs on queue, honestly. At least three posts a day do.

@banesidhe said: Just happened to discover your blog. Thank you so much for posting like you do (even the snark. I'm a 911 dispatcher, I appreciate the snark ;) ), and sharing your experiences. No vet question, but if you could only ever re/read five books for the rest of your life, which five titles would make your cut?

Ah, I have found many similar people to myself among emergency personnel. There’s a particular combination of gallows humor and wishing people would get to the point that unites us.

For fiction books:

Feral, Kerry Greenwood

The Shepherd’s Crown, Terry Pratchett

Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett

Watership Down, Richard Adam

Good Omens, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

Hmm, bit of a trend there.

But the work books I couldn’t live without are:

Plumb’s Veterinary Drug Handbook

The 5 minute veterinary consult, Dog and Cat Edition

Ettinger’s Textbook of Internal Medicine, Expert Consult

BSAVA Rabbit Medicine & Surgery Handbook

Small Animal Surgery, Fossum.

Anonymous asked: what was the most exotic/rare patient youve ever had?

This fat meerkat.

Anonymous said: My dog is a shelter dog and we suspect she was abused before we got her (afraid of E V E R Y T H I N G) and weve been slowly working on getting her to at least ignore people we walk past or that enter the house and thats been making progress. But she hates the vet. Hates it. Gets in my lap and refuses to leave. New dogs people and smells. So her normal vet takes the approach of having one of us hold/console her while they do all the poking and listening and whatnot and muzzling her if they need to and just getting it done as quickly as possible. But this last time she saw a new vet and this vet took the approach of hand-feeding her almost an entire bag of treats and called it "stress-eating" and tbh you should have seen the look on my dogs face. She was so weirded out. Shes highly food motivated so it was like heaven to her but she was simultaneously very suspicious. Her face was like"i love this but idk if i trust it" it was great.Have a greatday!

If you an reinforce the behaviour by arranging frequent, short visits to the vet clinic where nothing happens but lots of treats, she may start to associate the vet clinic with positive things (food) ad no scary things. This might make the rest ofher life easier.

Anonymous said: I own fancy rats and just want to put out there to people, that while they are THE MOST amazing tiny friends, in my experience most vets are completely lost when it comes to their care & several I've seen refused to even touch my exceptionally friendly females. They often get respiratory infections requiring antibiotics. One of my friend's females passed away bc nobody would perform a simple surgery on her. So please be cautious when buying them.

I would like to suggest that any surgery on a rat is likely to be not simple, because they do have particular anesthetic requirements that can make their recovery difficult. Also that a lot of traditional rat medicine hinges on using post mortem examination as a diagnostic tool, which is not useful at all with pet rats.

In dog and cat medicine most of our equipment and even medications are not suitable for rats, or very difficult to adapt. We simply have fewer options, and generally less experience with these species Most vets I know will attempt to treat them, but with a great big disclaimer saying I don’t do this often, and a quick question as to whether you’d prefer to go to a nearby clinic that does see rats more often.

Anonymous said: Hello, I recently took in 3 abandoned kittens and they're covered in fleas. They appear to be 6 weeks old and can't use meds or wash for them. I clean them with vinegar and dish soap and I was wondering if you knew of any other ways to help them since they hate getting wet. I also use a comb but they dislike that as well.

You can use capstar on kittens from 4 weeks of age, and Revolution from 6, probably earlier. Talk to your vet.

Anonymous asked: Strange question but do you know if that rage syndrome thing can happen in cats also? I know a cat who does that and also acts strangely in general at the same time?

It is not documented in cats, however Feline Hyperesthesia Syndrome may present in a similar way.

Anonymous said: Hey doc! I plan on getting my cat fixed soon and I'm worried about how it'll affect her. She's really skittish and prefers to stay in one room, could getting her fixed make it worse?? I guess like what are the possible behavioral effects is what I'm askin? For the qt: ive been here a while i just dont like or reblog stuff but i came for the vet knowledge and stayed for it too, especially the mythical creatures and dog breed info

She is probably not going to have any long term personality changes from being desexed, though might be out of sorts for a few days after the anaesthetic. If anything they tend to be less stressed because they’re not attracting Toms.

Another Anonymous said: My kitten was neutered yesterday and he's doing great, healing well, playing nonstop, remarkably agile despite the e-collar (navigating small spaces, jumping to high places), eating & drinking well. The vet didn't give us any aftercare instructions but I googled it -- and wish I'd done so before the surgery because I could've prepared better. A lot of it seemed obvious in hindsight but nothing I'd have thought of on my own. Do you have a flier or anything for your patients' humans?

We send our patients home with aftercare instructions. We have a default one that we print for routine surgery like desexing, and a customized one for non-routine procedures.

We also read it out to our clients when they pick up their pet, and point out that all these instructions are written down, because it’s easy to forget details when you’re worried.

Anonymous asked: I have a question! I saw your desexing cats post and thought I might send it to you. I neutered my male cat but he still sprays and tries to roam the neighborhood. I try to keep him inside best I can. Is there a reason this happens?

It may be stress, but you should consult your vet to rule out any underlying urinary tract issue before assuming so. Your vet should be able to discus the various stress reducing techniques, changes and treatments that are available.

Anonymous asked: Whenever my roommate wakes up before me, she makes bacon for breakfast while the coffee is brewing. If she hasn't slept well, her coherence is sometimes a bit... lacking. If our cat happens to demand food, about half the time she ends up giving him a slice of bacon instead of cat food. We only recently figured out that she's been doing this. He's not getting fat, and gets actual cat food later, so is this OK, or do we need to try to figure out how to keep this from happening?

While bacon is certainly digestible, it is not a balanced diet. It would be ideal if you could minimize his bacon habit.

@nowgovanish said: Hello! I have a question about my 13 and 4 year old cats. They seem to have some pretty bad skin reactions to certain foods, and I've tried a lot of different food brands that my vet reccommended. The one that seems to work best is a grain free/ non chicken variant, but I see that you aren't a huge fan of grain free. Is there anything I should change or try sticking with what works?

I have said many times before that if it’s working, keep feeding it.

Novel protein diets, and ideally single proteins source diets, are more use for allergies than just going ‘grain free’.

‘Grain Free’ labelling on food particularly vexes me because it’s not regulated. You can find ‘grain free’ food that really mean ‘corn free’ and either use grain byproducts or straight up use rice. Last time I checked, rice was a grain.

It’s like ‘Hollistic’ - it means nothing on a pet food label. Neither does ‘Organic’, pet food companies do not have to use all organic products in pet food to label the food as organic. These are marketing ploys like ‘all natural’ which are targeting your emotions and don’t mean anything when it comes to the food.

If you’ve come across a novel protein diet, or a minimum ingredient diet, that is beneficial for your cats then stick with it. But recognise what’s marketing and what’s useful.

Anonymous said: I love my dog but he is a complete and total moron. He has strangled himself so often that his bark is now raspy. He even found a way to do it with a harness! We've resorted to jogging when walking him to try and keep up but is there some way to make it better? We've tried letting him learn on his own, pausing when he pulls, and getting a longer leash. If he was much smarter I'd accuse him of being into asphyxiation.

I would suggest that you potentially need to figure out what motivates your dog most. Consider using positive reinforcement to encourage him to heel on the lead, instead of wandering and pulling.

You might also want to consider something like a halti collar, which pulls the dog’s nose downwards to their chest when they pull, instead of something that goes around the neck.

Anonymous: Would you consider it a good generalization that dogs more closely resembling/related to wolves (like huskies) have less health problems? I am aware that no dogs are completely lacking in health problems. Tax: came for good hard factual analysis.

No. And here’s the thing- all modern dog breeds are equally distant from their wolf-like ancestor, unless they have been recently mixed with wolves again.

Their health problems are different to those dogs with more extreme anatomy, but dogs that look like wolves are not inherently healthier.

@justslowdown said: a book i have discusses the man who created the GSD breed (aka isolated traits from a diverse population) pairing dogs with their daughters, granddaughters, great-granddaughters and onwards til more than 1/2 of the pups had to be culled. due you think this could be partially responsible for the health issues remaining more than a century later? "Very drastic inbreeding was espoused during the formation of the breed [...] to quickly form specific type" - The German Shepherd Dog by Ernest H Hart

Certainly.

This is called line breeding, where the offspring of a ‘perfect’ individual are repeatedly bred back to the same individual generation upon generation to try to recreate it. All you really do is lose genetic diversity very quickly and allow recessive deleterious genes to proliferate in the population.

This is why just about everywhere else that’s not the purebred pet world, this is considered a bad thing to do.

@eyestumblin said: Do you think horses would look significantly different if their wonky anatomy were more logical?

They would no longer be a horse.

@cirque-du-spoon said: I saw you mention sheep on the horse thread and I spent a fair bit of time on a sheep farm in Wales. The head shepherd once told me "sheep are born, they spend the rest of their life trying to die". Then he opened his landrover door, and the passenger footwell was maybe 6 lambs snuggled up to one of his old motherly collies.

The common phrase down here was “The aim in life of a Merino ewe is to die and take fifty of her friends with her.” It’s not really much of an exaggeration.

Anonymous said: I'm intrigued to hear the faults of sheep, lay it on me!

Oh I will. It’s on my list for a big write up.

@queenalia said: Hi! I love the post about why horses make no sense, and I was wondering if you would do a similar one for sheep (one of the most suicidal animals on earth in my opinion)?

It will definitely be done sometime in the next few weeks. As you understand, it’s not quick answer.

@vulturegeorge said: Hey Dr.F, after reeding your "horses-are-spindily-legged-disasters" post and your comment about how sheep are worse, I was wondering if you wished to elaborate? I am currently working on a heard of 50 random sheep my uni bought with a ton of lung issues ... so it'd be super interesting to me. Question tax: came for the Lucifer story, stayed for all of your amazing advice & opinions. I hope you are finding balance between vetting and living. cheers!

I promise I will elaborate. I can’t leave a cliff hanger like that and not explain... eventually.

#veterinarian #blog housekeeping #20 questions #vetblr

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