#+ deeply uncomfortable opening
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The Sound of Summer (Guy, 2022)
#kaori hoshino#the sound of summer#guy#horrorstills#horror#caps#blood#woman transformation vibes in this yessssss ty guy#sound in his movies is always bonkers#+ deeply uncomfortable opening
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honestly it's been really healing being back to actively contributing things and writing out thoughts on tumblr the last week or so, because while twitter tends to be easier for me to write out Thoughts on without getting overwhelmed, the environment in the twitter fandom circles i'm interested in is not only infested with antis but cliqueish in a way that is caustic to the fucking soul if you try to express a thought that's more than three sentences long--a hundred times over if you're autistic in slightly the wrong way--and it's incredibly reassuring to come back to an environment where the very kindest and most inclusive people toward you are not clearly thinking the r-slur the entire time they interact with you lmao
#whosebaby talks#took an incident of just open petty cruelty the other day for me to finally go#you know what all of this is doing a huge number on my self-esteem and scrupulosity and social anxiety and mental health overall#sometimes it pays to hold out and give the benefit of the doubt#when your knee-jerk reaction is to think something Must Be a Sign of Shitty Intent; bc often it will turn out that wasn't the case at all#but unfortunately sometimes it turns out people are in fact just being shitty in exactly the way you thought they were#and at the *very* best you are incompatible in such a way that if they don't have bad intentions you're just never going to be able to tell#or well. not even necessarily bad *intentions*; just shitty behavior that's harmful to you regardless of whether they mean well#sometimes you just gotta accept that even if neither of you *is* being shitty it's not worth your peace of mind to never be able to confirm#and it's better to just save both of you the stress and not try to pursue that.#it fuckin sucks when it's people you think are cool and really want to get to know; it's a hard lesson to learn; but it's the way sometimes#......and then sometimes the confirmation you finally get is that yeah okay this is some bullshit#and not in a way that can likely be communicated past; no matter how much effort you make to be kind; clear; and mature#and being publicly humiliated for carefully trying to yes-and some clarification on meta of mine#which was being used in ways i was deeply uncomfortable with; and had had no warning would take the turn that it did#and which was contributing to the original post gaining traction in the first place#all targeted in ways pretty much tailor-made to hurt someone with specific issues they had seen me talk about + acknowledged#was just. yeah i think i'm done here lmao#i am Not someone who takes down meta once posted#so the fact that it was bad enough to make me delete an entire thread really says something lol#anyway. lots of other context there; and i appreciate that in some ways the person was genuinely trying to be kind; but i'm. yeah.#that shit Hurted Extremely; and made me realize that while i'm not the *most* well-socialized or articulate or approachable#there is just something in the water over there and no amount of The Problem Not Being Me would have mattered#and the nice asks/replies/comments i've gotten both recently and during hibernation make me feel warm inside; thank y'all <3#the salt files#bullying cw#ableism cw
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just tried to go to sleep and failed bc I realized something devastatingly funny about my wip
if kantarou is hustling free meals out of hasumi and is partially motivated by saving money so that haruka doesn't starve. then I've. well lads I've invented trickle down feedism 😔
#not that there's a whole lot to trickle down#haruka the world's most neglected sugar baby#but the important thing about the whole situation is that it makes everyone except kantarou deeply uncomfortable 👍#as far as kantarou is concerned this situation benefits everyone#hasumi gets the honor of being allowed to fuck him#haruka gets to occasionally eat a half decent meal#and he gets a coupla good meals a week and then gets to get railed on a full stomach#polyamory is great bc it really opens up new possibilities for kinda fucked up relationship dynamics#kantarou is out here inventing new ways to make his partners uncomfortable and im so proud of him for that#fic tag#OK I SHOULD SLEEP NOW FOR REAL#i don't have to get up early tomorrow but I'd like to get up early enough to maybe hit the farmer's market
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#if I've made anyone uncomfortable with the things I've been posting the last few days that was in fact the point and fully intended#and I don't say that to be cruel but simply to drive home the point that fandom spaces can be both safe and hostile at the same time#it is a deeply uncomfortable thing to acknowledge and I know most people do no want to deal with that and I understand that truly#but it was important to me to acknowledge and to give my opinion so that's what I did#At the same time none of this changes my opinion on my ship or the fact that I love a certain character other people find problematic#and I am fine with people finding that problematic because I am human being I am problematic by default#and I am confident enough in myself as a person to know when to acknowledge when I've contributed to problematic behavior#and realize the world doesn't end when this happens#my opinion of the fandom I've made my home in hasn't changed either#I had these views before and now they're out there in the open messy wording and all#and if you've decided that changes your opinion of me for the worse that's fine you can unfollow block etc#I understand that even in my attempt to acknowledge hurt within my fandom I've probably hurt other people and I have made my peace with it#but for everyone else that's shown me support both on tumblr and in private#for everyone that's listened to me vent about this subject over DMs and validated my hurt feelings#instead of trying to press your own discomforts onto me to carry in addition to my own#thank you#I've carved a permanent space in my heart for you and I truly mean that#I waded into this mess fully expecting to be ignored at best and to lose connections at worst and I was fully okay with it#but the love I've gotten and the deep honest and vulnerable conversations I've had over the last few days has truly been astounding to me#this last part is taking me AGES to write#because I'm actually crying thinking about all the good that's come out of this#and I acknowledge that's not a universal opinion and that's fine I'm really only speaking to my personal experience with what's happened#which despite outward appearances has been incredibly cathartic and uplifting for me#and I don't need everyone in the fandom to share my views or validate me or tell me I'm right people are allowed to disagree#I also don't need to have a deep personal and honest connection with everyone in the fandom where I can share my deepest vulnerabilities#but the fact that I could have that connection with some of you? that's enough for me. it's everything to me.
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Do you ever read a post where someone is explaining a pokitical thing and from the way they're saying you know with absolute certainty 1) they got their info from a tumblr post and have never actually followed up on how feasible that information actually is to act upon (they may not even have checked if it was CORRECT, but when they do they have clearly not looked into how easy or hard it may be to follow those instructions with a positive outcome), and 2) you know WHICH tumblr post they're quoting because it is basically a copy/paste of it, and 3) it was YOUR goddamn post and the thing they are saying is entirely counter to the point you were making when you said it to the point that you genuinely wonder if they just like. Memory-holed the entire context once they saw that one itty bitty point.
It's like the motherfuckiny dating apps all over again. I do not want people to love my words if they are not actually willing to do the work of understanding them! Didn't your kindergarten ever make you play Telephone to teach you how heresay falls out????
#sometimes i feel like a prized 12 point buck and everyone is desperate to give chase so they can skin me and wear my pelt in memorium#the luxury of being seen is rarely extended to those we perceive as confident/constant in their sense of self#the path of being a child who was constantly told i was making people uncomfortable and alienating my peers#only to immediately become an adult who everyone perceives as so together that they are just Like That With Everyonr#brennan said something like this in the disection of a recent misfits and magic episode about sam (character)#and how he (as evan) realized that the charm and specialness she gifts to everyone around her means that no one ever really gifts it back#and how that fundamentally felt transcendent and revelatory for evan as a turning point idea#he'd spent so long never trusting others feelings of care for him that he couldn't see how he was bulldozing right into and over sam's own#insecurities about whether or not she is worth loving or is special in the same way#and then they had some back and forth about like#sometimes when you develop the skill of relateability and pacification#you disappear so deeply into it that no one notices you're gone - even you yourself - until it's too late#it put to words a lot of the like#gap. that i've always felt between me and others. this insistance on elevating or pathologizing me depending on where they feel the need#to be in relation to me#while having absolutely zero awareness of my actual positioning in relation to them#i have found that they way i interact with others seems to give the impression that because i am being 'genuine' and 'open' about myself#that ALSO means that I am sharing the whole of me.#and when i talk about destigmatization and shame and people work really hard to be like. aware of the edges of me to carch me embarrassed#like if they can prove that i don't 'admit' something it's because i'm ashamed as opposed to considering that maybe they don't have the kind#of relationship with me that would warrant the sharing of it#because i'm willing to talk i am no longer allowed privacy or it's treated as incongruous#but like. i am different people for different people and they are all authentically me but they are also about faciliting the version#of the other person that matters to me to be able to spend time with. i'm not going to bring the parts of me that put you in a bad mood#or aren't comfortable/safe for you. also probably not going to put those things out into the open world as a mixed company conversation#i don't know where I'm going or where I came from here but i think the point is just that I think there's melancholy in seeing when#you also don't know a reliable way to be seen in turn
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Been fighting against my own brain alllllllllllll day
#would love to not constantly think thoughts that make me deeply uncomfortable please and thank you#i do things to distract myself but as soon as i start thinking again its all over#and on top of these particular upsetting thoughts i also opened a terrible emotional can of worms last night#AND THEN I VOULDNT SLEEP AFTER NOT SLEEPING THE NIGHT BEFORE#so i am extremely sleep deprived. feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions. AND fighting against upsetting thoughts#like..... i am going to scream.....#ive already cried twice today and im expecting a third at least#i dont even know hoe im hoing to sleep tonight becausw all of my problems are in my brain#FUUUUUUUUCK
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It’s me, Stanley, I’m the Bucket, speaking to you inside your brain, listen to me, Stanley, leave your wife, we don’t need her! Come with me and play my games, you need me, Stanley, your free will is an illusio- (Patreon)
He’s just jealous
Tell me this isn’t exactly the PS5 meme tho
#Doodles#The Stanley Parable#TSP#Questionably SFW#Sorry lol#We can be honest this is an open space - both Stanley and the Narrator were Uncomfortably Interested in the Bucket#But can your PS5 do this#I finally get this meme it's the Bucket's meme I understand now#Or the alternate version where it tells him to leave the Narrator instead lol#Both are applicable!#I think it fits slightly better with Mannequin Wife since y'know - she doesn't have any opions that she expresses on the Bucket#And we already know what Narra thinks of it lol#Honestly I just think Stanley's attractions to Weird Individuals - a mannequin - a bucket - an omnipresent disembodied voice#You can't even call him an objectophile! The Narrator is very much a full person - as much as Stanley is anyway!#I dunno just don't read too deeply into it - it loops back on itself in from multiple directions and that's by design lol#I'm just here for the silliness#Not me going to the different endings with the Mannequin Wife just to take screenshots to study from lol#Oh Stanley - the Narrator was just taunting you#He makes the best of a bad situation haha#And then the Bucket - sorry again lol - it's just - what else could that ending have possibly been hinting at#The only thing it needed was rose petals! Pffft#Anyway
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rough childhood headcanon qs / @clxscdeyes / no longer accepting !
╰┈➤ 7 . how old was your muse when they realized they had childhood trauma?
||. one whole "today years old" post!ragnarok and hela's reveal. Except, even then, according to the movie, not really because Thor is still in heavy denial about all of it where Odin is concerned. I've spoken a bit (here) about how Thor adores his family; he idolizes them and views them through blinding rose-colored glasses, (especially when they're deceased) and that is especially true of his circumstances.
So, very often times when the truth clashes with the rose-colored view of them (namely: his father), Thor does one of two things: find a way to justify the words or action with the surrounding context of the time to make it make sense (e.g., well he scolded me harshly because i was talking back), or avoid it altogether. (this is his go-to. no talking about it; thor would rather not right now, so he does not.)
Key example being: he would rather focus on how his father changed his ways, and the Odin that he knew and grew up with was a man who had turned away from pursuing war for war's sake, and was instead one who valued peace and life. He would rather focus on that aspect of Odin, and take in the broader picture of Odin's life. REGARDLESS of the fact that what Thor is deeply, personally affected - not with the realization that Odin changed his ways once upon a time - but by the fact that he lied to him, manipulated him, and controlled and shaped every aspect of his being, for Thor's whole life, JUST to avoid another Hela. Someone who Thor is not, could not be farther from, and never knew about, because Odin (apparently) kept the matter of his true first-born a closely-guarded secret and seemingly would have continued to were it not for Odin's death, Hela's escape, and Ragnarok all coinciding at the same moment in time. And this, all because Thor rationalizes it as "well, I wouldn't want to be remembered and judged based on the person that I used to be. I should extend that same kindness to my father, because he too, changed." (x10 because now Odin is dead. And it's in poor-taste to speak ill of a dead man.)
The problem namely being: Thor only talks about things when Thor decides it's time to talk about things ; when he is ready. ...but as this is a topic that ripple effects down to Thor's core, good luck getting him to open up about it, even just with himself.
#(yknow what sucks most about this is that 2011-2015 thor was on a trajectory where)#(while he still wouldn't talk about a lot of things he wasn't as firmly rooted in /absolute denial/ like he is now >>)#(he would lock up and not talk about his personal feelings but he was still /thinking/ about them)#(- and could grow ready to share his thoughts once he processed through all of it.)#(or at least he would broach the broad concepts while still lightly brushing over 'k but how did it make THOR feel')#(dude would rather choke than talk about his own feelings no support system for thor he's so dumb)#(which is also just so funny because he never /denied/ the fact that he's feeling under the weather either)#(he just... won't elaborate on why he is or how to feel better.)#(but anyways)#(to rationalize the trajectory shift away from 'thor being able to talk about deeply upsetting topics for him even if it's uncomfortable')#(i've decided that so much has happened in such a short amount of time and there's /so/ many things eating at him-)#(-that he's subconsciously decided he's not going to talk much about any of them. because there's just too much.)#(the vibe of 'if i talk about this now i'm going to fall and if i fall i don't know if i can get up again because it's finally too heavy)#(-and i can't afford to fall down bc there's too much at stake outside of me so i just will not take the chance')#(he can if he's ever with someone he truly trusts and he can speak about it NORMALLY if that person pushes him enough)#(because you've always had to needle thor to /actually answer your question/ rather than talk half-way around it)#(//stares at thor 2011 where he never opens up to jane even once not even at the fire-side chat)#(but until then it's big denial mode bc ragnarok messed him up something fierce and i'm not even talking about-)#(-the order of in-universe events that happen in the movie orz)#( ooc . ) — stories that leap from the page .#( answered . ) — black feathers fall to a raven's call .#clxscdeyes#( headcanon . ) — glory to the man who toils for his land . may it ever prosper .
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s6 of doctor who actually sucks so fucking bad good lord?
#i havent rewatched the back half of it in a long time but i was unimpressed with the first half upon rewatch recently-ish#so i picked up from a good man goes to war and im like. amazed by how much these episodes suck butt#good man + lkh also just made me deeply uncomfortable for a myriad of reasons notably how good man opens with a guy saying#'we're thin and fat gay men we dont need names' like uh what. ? huh?????? what kinda 2010 humor#and i dont even need to touch on lkh i think it speaks for itself.#im just like amazed ppl actually like it that much......i cant even really put into words just how unpleasant it is#i am shocked the same guy wrote this and 12s era like jesus christ what happened between the two#WAIT HAHAHA THE LIKE SEVERAL MINUTES OF SLO MO AT THE END OF GIRL WHO WAITED WTF IS THISSSS#also 11 is characterized soooo weirdly in this season. like not in a fun way like s4 ten or anything. hes just fucked up in a weird way#and i really deeply dislike amy and rory. their dynamic is WEIRD and uneven and rory treats her badly half the time? idk its strange#anyways. s7b 11 is the only 11 that exists to me . heart#txt
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Fucking weird how much I've realized being perceived as a man is like. Kind of miserable for me. What do you Mean I've got new dysphoria now that I basically always pass as male?? That wasn't supposed to happen! That was the opposite of what was supposed to happen!
#reading butch as a noun feels kind of like opening up an old wound#the essay about how the author passes as male and enjoys being seen as male but Isnt a trans man and wants to be able to-#simply perform masculinity as required hit way too close to home#and its weird!#because ive spent so much of my life as a trans man! its deeply weird and a little uncomfortable!#i truely wish i could chill out about investigating my own gender but much like a mosquitoe bite i simply cannot stop myself from-#picking at the scab#and ive been very lucky to live in a time and place thats more or less supportive with family who loves me and is happy to call me their son#and i have to stop writing tags now or i might go insane#anyways. i think my gender is just butch
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I've seen a good number of people ask a question along the lines of "why do characters like Falin and hate Laios when they're so similar?" and i've also seen good analysis on the differences in how the touden siblings carry themselves that would, despite their shared traits, make a person gravitate to one more than the other.
But i feel like we've overseen one very central thing here.
People don't like Falin
Like... the average person in dungeon meshi doesn't like Falin. She was deeply ostrasized by her home village, in magic school she had zero friends before Marcille and the others generally saw her as strange and a bit offputting.
Characters like Namari and Chilchuck like her well enough but not necessarily more than any other member of their party, including Laios. Neither Kabru nor his party think much of her. The canaries don't give a fuck about her. Toshiro's retainers don't see her as anything else than the weird foreign girl their boss has a crush on.
The reason we think everyone loves Falin is because, despite all the indifferent side characters, the 2 most important and central characters of the story are Laios and Marcille. Who are NOT representative of the average attitudes to Falin! But necromancy georg number 1 and 2 are our main eyes into the story and they love Falin so much that it colours our perspective of the whole world.
The only side character who qualifies as liking Falin and not Laios is Toshiro (at least at first, as he ends the story on much better terms with Laios) and that says a lot about his character, with him drifting to the quiet Falin precisely because of her oddness but being both uncomfortable with and deeply jealous of Laios' much more open expression of that oddness. Because he's a repressed guy from a culture where etiquette is incredibly important.
But like I said, that's a specific aspect of him, not to the world at large.
Because there's also people that click more with laios than with Falin.
Kabru, for one, who is initially distrustful of laios but clearly also deeply fascinated by him and drawn to him.
Minor spoilers, and you don't have to read too deeply into this, because I don't think Kabru particularly dislikes Falin or anything. But it's interesting that when he talks about his distrust of the toudens in ch.32 he's talking about them both. But his big friendship declaration in chapter 76 is aimed squarely at Laios, he doesn't say "you and your sister" he says "you"
And Senshi!! He instantly clicks with Laios, well before he does so with anyone else in the party– who he also becomes friends with, it just takes a bit longer– specifically because they bond over their shared special interest in monsters!! Senshi is kind towards Falin and cares for her wellbeing, but he also... doesn't know her. The reason he is even here, helping to save her, is because he and Laios bonded over monsters and he wants to help his new friends out!
Of course, the theme of neurodivergent isolation is very present in Laios' story. I'm not denying that. He does turn people off, without meaning to and unable to fully understand why! But so does Falin. And just like there are people who like her despite of or even because of those traits, there are people who do the same with him.
In conclusion: "Average person loves Falin and hates Laios" factoid actually statistical error. Average person is neutral on both Falin and Laios. Georcille, Laiorg and Geoshiro, who live in the dungeon and think over 10,000 Falin-loving thoughts a day, are statistical outliers adn should not have been counted.
#dungeon meshi#laios touden#falin touden#yes dungeon meshi is a story about the neurodivergent experience (and many many other things)#but through that lens it is also basically autistic wishfullfillment#where people come to see and appreciate you for who you are and your specific special interest is tantamount to saving the world!#and so OF COURSE the two most obviously autistic characters are going to have people who deeply care about them#both despite and because of their autistic traits!!
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thoughts on meng yanchen & yezi (fireworks of my heart) by _toinfinityandbeyond
#meng yanchen x yezi#this is so beautiful i have tears in my eyes#my roman empire well kinda sorta#peak 'roman empire' when both characters are deeply flawed uncomfortable and unhinged#prideful hypocrites yet brutally honest#so desparately to save themselves out of horrible and miserable lives that they fall deeper into self destruction#there are so many what ifs and we could have had it alls but i truly like how the story between them unfolds#and the (open) ending for them in the rain is beautifully captured#wish they had a spinoff but at the same time totally fine with the ending#also thank to both actors' effort to bring these two to life ik playing side chars with unfriendly and controversial arcs is hard enough#but they played their own charactesr and played off each other so well THE CHEMISTRY IS REALLY CHEMISTRYING#wei daxun i already know he can act but yang yuxi a total newcomer and she acted like that?? call me a fan now
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there r not a ton of folks here but i will say anyway i was like pretty reactionary abt people talking about lack of tour dates originally in being like "well logistically speaking they couldn't book venues etc etc" but i realize that that was a bad call on my part & that doesn't change the fact that d+p should be booking way more venues aside from Europe/America/Oceania for their potentially last tour . i am non white but i am also deeply socialized by growing up in the West nd i am like very much just in general not exclusively in this context Working On Not Being So Western Brained with stuff. because i know i have that knee jerk reaction & also can be defensive over creators i love even if they are objectively missing the mark and perpetuating some bad shit
i hope they do more tours in other continents & i hope dnp fans of color are treated with more respect going forward in every regard not just w TIT.
love u all and i am sorry
#astra.txt#again i have a very small range of ppl here so i don't really expect anyone to see this but it is like. important for me to say#i'm working on a lot more self reflection stuff n it is uncomfortable but also deeply deeply important#i'm also reading orientalism right now <- some phannies need to get on this. and it's been really eye opening#both how i have experienced the effects of it & also perpetuated it albeit unintentionally. so idk#But yeah logistics are obviously a factor in their tour decision making but they can ... be more thoughtful w those logistics#if they can book that many American tours they can stop by some other countries#also i see a lot of stuff about WAD and I also felt like. Slightly uncomfortable about some pieces of wad#i still appreciate the show a lot am glad i watched it and am really proud of dan but like#me and my friend watching it at the time had a lot of Oh This Is Rich White Guy Leftism#anyway. not really about me because again. person of color but am a person who grew up in America#just wanted to say that. i hope everyone is having a nice day :3
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sigh
#oh to be so deeply medicated i dont feel anything at all ever again#its so rough and uncomfortable like sand paper on open skin and i am tired of flinching i am tired of edges#where do i go to find the softness that will let me sleep#why does any tenderness at all feel like bleeding#jpe.txt
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SHY AFFECTION PROMPTS—
Walking side by side, the back of their fingers brushing—too shy to initiate hand-holding.
Teasing the tips of person B’s hair between their fingers, watching their fingers, unable to meet B’s gaze.
Subtle acts of service: opening a door for them, covering cornered edges when the other bends down to pick something up, purchasing something of the other’s interest.
”You look—uh, good. You look good.” Stammering, trying to appear confident when complimenting the other. Cue the throat clearing and avoidance of eye-contact.
Hesitant smiles and blushy cheeks.
Person A about to say something before thinking against it and closing their mouth.
Agonising slow-paced romance.
Person B sticking by person A’s side while they’re sick and stuck to bed rest, despite A’s warning of getting them sick too.
Thoughtful picnic dates.
Almost confessions.
”I care about you, and I want the best for you.”
Friends to lovers.
Looking for each other in social settings.
“You mean more to me than that.”
”Come on, we’re friends.” “Are we really?”
Angsty confessions after built up feelings being hidden.
Everyone can see it but them.
“We’re just friends!” “With how B is looking at you now? I don’t think you’re just friends.”
Starry night skies, damp grass, and deep talks about life.
B learning about A’s body insecurities and finding that it’s their favourite part of them.
Love-fuelled kisses under whispering nights.
So deeply in love that it almost makes their friends uncomfortable to witness.
Feathery forehead kisses.
Neither of them raise their voice—a love so gentle and kind that it makes your teeth rot.
Either one has social anxiety and the other orders for them at cafes and restaurants, or both of them do and one disregards their own anxiety and steps up.
Late nights cuddled up and quiet giggles.
”You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of.”
”I want our kids to have your eyes.”
Inside jokes that literally no one understands.
#prompts#writing prompts#dialogue prompts#writing prompt#writing ideas#prompt list#writing#ideas#list#creative writing#inspiration#writing inspiration#cliche#shy prompts#shy affection prompts#shy x shy#soft love#gentle#the love we all need#slow burn#fluff#fluff prompts#distort-t
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I think we need to talk about gynecological exams more like dental work than just getting a vaccine, you know what I mean? Like, validate people’s fears and concerns so people will be more open to care. Getting an IUD isn’t just ‘a little pinch’, getting a pap smear does feel violating and deeply uncomfortable. It’s okay to be afraid, it’s okay to need someone in the room with you or to need to pre-game with anxiety meds. You’re not weak if you feel that receiving gynecological care is more emotionally and physically taxing on you than other people.
You need to get that root canal to prevent an abscess in your jaw that could turn to full body sepsis. You need to get that pap smear to detect cervical cancers and viral infections that could lead to serious illness or death.
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