#&& gilderoy lockhart

[starrylayle]

To all those shippers that depict Sirius as a self-absorbed, short, fem twink with a flare for dramatics -- and Remus as a tall, angry, buff, dom werewolf daddy -- go ahead, it's a fully rounded dynamic! You're actually shipping Gilderoy Lockhart x Fenrir Greyback though! Remember to tag correctly folks! Hope this helps 🥰 🥰 

[jmscornerlibrary]

(Valentine's Day, as orchestrated by Lockhart)

Lockhart: (smugly) So, tell me, Professor Snape. What are your plans?

Snape: Plans.

Lockhart: Yes, for this evening. Surely, you must have a date.

Snape: I do.

McGonagall: ...???

Lockhart: Oh, really? Marvellous! I'll bet you've got quite a few things planned. Perhaps a candle-lit dinner, some music, all working up to a spectacular show of affection and ... passion?

Snape: (calmly) Not quite. I won't say the evening won't be eventful, though.

Lockhart: Indeed! My, you must be more experienced than you look, professor. Eventful... who would have thought? Not me.

McGonagall:

Snape: *sips wine*

Lockhart: ...So who is this date of yours you'll be so... "occupied" with?

Snape: *puts down goblet and swallows* Your mother.

[hufflepuffz]

[wisteria-lodge]

The Harry Potter Pretty People's Club

I’ve always been kind of fascinated by how and why *attractiveness* is used in the HP books. So, I’ve decided to play a little game, and score up characters based on how often their prettiness is brought up. Here’s my scoring system:

(1 point) - We are straight-up told that this character (or some aspect of this character) is attractive. The word beautiful, handsome, attractive, elegant, pretty, lovely, good-looking, good looks, nice-looking, curvy, or gorgeous is used.

(.5 points) - We are specifically told the character has nice hair, or nice teeth. (JKR describes teeth a lot, it’s a thing.) 

(.5 points) - The character is described as moving in an attractive way. The word lounging, lolling, graceful, posing, or haughty (so lounging/posing, but more evil coded) is applied to them

In terms of the ranking, twins and and parent+child duos get to compete together, because how common “they looked exactly like their parent” type descriptions are in these books.

No points for “they used to be beautiful” or “they would be beautiful if...” Also no points if someone is described as attractive specifically by Rita Skeeter. We are clearly not supposed to take her as a reliable source. Also not counting the times Petunia calls Dudley “handsome,” or the time when Slughorn calls Ron handsome while trying to cheer him up after the love potion, for the same reason.

(if you’re curious, Rita does describe Hermione as “stunningly pretty,” Pansy as “pretty and vivacious,” herself as “attractive blonde, forty-three” and Harry as “the most beautiful thing she had ever seen” when he’s giving the interview about Voldemort’s return.) So let's get to the top 26 most attractive (?) characters in Harry Potter.

#26 - WILKIE TWYCROSS (.5) 

“Graceful” apparition instructor. Unfortunately the rest of his description stresses that he’s practically see-through.

#25 - MADAM PUDDIFOOT�� (.5) 

Has shiny hair. Unfortunately also “very stout” (and unfortunately we we know how JKR feels about fat people  : / )

#24 - ROMILDA VANE (.5)

Has hair that is “black and shiny and silky.” Of course Ron does say that while zoinked out his mind on love potion, so not sure how reliable his report is. 

#23 - HORACE SLUGHORN (.5)

Young Horace has “thick, shiny, straw-colored hair.” He’s also rocking embroidered waistcoats with golden buttons. Idk, I bet Horace was kind of dishy back in the day. Heck, I bet he still is. He’s well dressed, charismatic, charming. Someone has a crush on him. JKR is just mean and wrong about fat people

#22 - NEARLY HEADLESS NICK (1) 

Has “elegant” hands. So, if you’re into that…

 #21 - ANDROMEDA TONKS (1) 

Andromeda’s sisters are not actually going to make the list, because they fall in the “beauty potential” category. Narcissa “would have been nice-looking if she hadn’t been wearing a look that suggested there was a nasty smell under her nose,” and the “long blonde hair streaming down her back gave her the look of a drowned person.” I love Narcissa, but that framing isn’t especially flattering. Bellatrix was once beautiful, but “something — perhaps Azkaban — had taken most of her beauty.” Now if Andromeda looks enough like Bellatrix to give Harry a double-take, and she looks like a Bellatrix with “wider, kinder eyes” who hasn’t been to Azkaban… she more than earns her place on the pretty list. Also is described as “haughty.”

#20 - ANGELINA JOHNSON (1) 

“Rather attractive” according to Lee Jordan. Seems to wear micro box-braids, which Pansy says look like “worms.” Boo Pansy (who is not on this list.) 

#19 - PERCIVAL, KENDRA & ALBUS DUMBLDORE (2) 

Percival is “good-looking,” Albus has shiny hair, and Kendra is “haughty.” I’ll buy that the Dumbledores were a pretty striking family, that makes sense . But they rank a little low because they all only have one attractive descriptor apiece. 

#18 - OLYMPE MAXIME (2) 

She’s an elegant frenchwoman. The only lady on this list described as “handsome.” Also graceful, has shiny hair, and Hagrid is very into her. 

#17 - PARVATI & PADMA PATIL (2)

Both of them look “very pretty” in their Yule Ball dress robes, and are quickly snapped up by Beauxbatons boys when Harry and Ron ignore them.  

#16 -  FIRENZE (2) 

The “handsome centaur.” Also the only character described as “gorgeous” (by Parvati.) At which point Hermione scoffs and says that he’s got four legs. By which we can deduce that Hermione is a bit vanilla for this conversation.

#15 - BILL WEASLEY (2) 

Described as “good-looking” and “handsome” by Mrs. Weasley, and of course FLEUR is very into him very quickly. I considered adding “cool” to my list of words connoting attractiveness, which would have bumped Bill higher… but JKR seems to associate “cool” more with personality. Like Mad-Eye and Hagrid are “cool” without being especially pretty.

#14 - GELLERT GRINDELWALD (2) 

Briefly seen in a memory and a photograph, described as “handsome” both times.

#13 - LILY POTTER (2) 

A “very pretty woman” and a woman with a “kind, pretty face.” Like with Andromeda, JKR throws in “kind” to make sure we know this is good-pretty, one step up from the Patil twins who are girly-pretty (sorry Patil twins.) 

#12 - LUCIUS & DRACO MALFOY (2.5) 

They have super sleek hair. It’s brought up a lot. Pansy likes to pet it. 

#11 - BLAISE’S MOM & BLAISE ZABINI (2.5) 

Blaise’s mom is a “famously beautiful witch,” who “had been married seven times, each of her husbands dying mysteriously and leaving her mounds of gold.” Fanon needs to decide on a name for her, and I think Clytemnestra is the right amount of on-the-nose. Blaise himself is described as haughty, and picky, and tends to “pose” and “loll against pillars.” 

#10 - MADAM ROSMERTA (3) 

Attractive, pretty, and the only character who is “curvy.” (I think she might have the boobs of Harry Potter universe.) Also wears sparkly turquoise heels, which is cute. Ron is into her, and so (I think) is Cornelius Fudge. I mean -  “Rosmerta, m’dear… lovely to see you again, I must say. Have one [drink] yourself, won’t you? Come and join us.” Like, that’s flirty, right? 

#9 - ROWENA & HELENA RAVENCLAW (4) 

Surprising that they crack the top ten, but every time we see an image of them they are described as beautiful. Usually with a qualifier like “austere” or “intimidating.” Beautiful is a word with a little bit of an edge to it in this universe. Beautiful people are just… a little suspect. 

#8 - GILDEROY LOCKHART (5.5) 

Very handsome, good hair, good teeth. The teeth are honestly brought up enough to feel a little off-putting and predatory, which I think is exactly the point. Lockhart is a very 90s-Disney-movie queer-coded villain. But, he is extremely good looking (or at least very well put-together.) Mrs. Weasley and Hermione both have crushes on him, and he continues to get fan mail into his St. Mungo’s days. 

#7 - GINNY WEASLEY (5.5) 

Ginny’s an odd one. She’s described as “graceful,” popular, and “a lot of boys like her,” (according to Pansy.) Honestly, that’s mostly how we experience her beauty. Krum thinks she’s attractive, Blaise thinks she’s attractive, Amycus addresses her as “Pretty” in a creepy way, and so does some random Diagon alley amulet salesman. Both Harry and the narrative voice stay pretty quiet when it comes to thirsting over Ginny. We get the honestly very conflicted description “Ginny gave Harry a radiant smile: He had forgotten, or had never fully appreciated, how beautiful she was, but he had never been less pleased to see her” and then “Ginny and Gabrielle, both wearing golden dresses, looked even prettier than usual [at Fleur’s wedding].” Which isn’t even completely about Ginny! Maybe you could count the romantic descriptions of her hair being flamelike or on one occasion “dancing,” but that’s really it. I am doing my very best, and scraping the bottom here. 

#6 - HERMIONE GRANGER (7.5) 

Hermione seems to fall firmly into the “cleans up nice” category. She is the “pretty girl in blue robes” at the Yule Ball, looking good enough that Pansy gapes and Malfoy “didn’t seem to be able to find an insult to throw at her.” She’s also looking good at Fleur’s wedding, when Viktor and Ron are definitely interested. Her hair can look elegant and shiny if she puts in effort - otherwise it’s bushy, and Pansy compares her to a chipmunk. We also know she has large front teeth, before she gets them fixed. She occasionally gets a “graceful” or “haughty" description, and Greyback does creep on her (again with the creeping!) calling Hermione Harry’s “pretty little friend.” I also gave her half a point for the description of Horcrux!Hermione, who is “more beautiful and yet more terrible than the real Hermione.” That’s another good example of how JKR uses the word “beautiful,” and I guess “more beautiful” definitely implies some existing beauty.

#5 - CHO CHANG (8)  

Cho is very pretty. She’s often described that way, and she has long shiny black hair. She naturally pairs up with Cedric, who also scored an 8. I wish I had more to say about her, I really do. 

#4 - CEDRIC DIGGORY (8)

Our first “pretty boy" - he’s described that way by both Harry and Seamus. Seamus actually seems to kind of have a thing about Cedric. He doesn’t believe Cedric put his name in the Goblet of Fire because “I wouldn’t have thought he’d have wanted to risk his good looks.” And true, Cedric is “exceptionally handsome, with his straight nose, dark hair, and gray eyes” and probably our first extraordinarily pretty person. Angelina and Katie think he’s hot, Myrtle creeps on him - although, honestly - Myrtle creeps on everyone, and the text doesn’t take it very seriously. Interestingly in the film we get a moment of Voldemort turning over Cedric’s head with his bare foot, saying “Oh, such a handsome boy” - to which Harry replies “Don’t touch him!”  That’s a subtle difference - in the books it’s only threatening when girls get creeped on, the movies are a little more equal opportunity. 

#3 - SIRIUS & REGULUS BLACK (11) 

Sirius is hot. He’s “carelessly handsome,” his “dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance neither James’ nor Harry’s could ever have achieved.” He rolled out of bed looking this good. Sirius is graceful and lounging and bored as hell, but you know “handsomely so.” Even when he falls through the Veil, it’s a “graceful,” beautiful death. Regulus gets a shout-out too, because he “had the same dark hair and slightly haughty look of his brother, though he was smaller, slighter, and rather less handsome than Sirius had been.” But, as is mentioned nearly every time he appears on the page, Sirius is extremely handsome. Less handsome than Sirius is still handsome. 

I think it’s actually important to Sirius’ character that he is THAT beautiful. Sirius is a kid from a very bad environment who’s one bad day away from just snapping… but you’d never know it. He’s so attractive, he’s so effortlessly talented, he hides everything so well. Of course none of the adults in his life would be worried about him. 

#2 - FLEUR, GABRIELLE & APPOLINE DELACOUR (12.5) 

Fleur almost seems like a cheat, because she is supernaturally beautiful. She is “a woman of such breathtaking beauty that the room seemed to have become strangely airless. She was tall and willowy with long blonde hair and appeared to emanate a faint, silvery glow.” Even Aunt Muriel thinks she’s beautiful. (We also do get told that Fleur has nice teeth.)

But again, she’s beautiful. She’s that slightly threatening, too-feminine beauty. Until she gets married… and has a kid… which redeems her. “While [Fleur’s] radiance usually dimmed everyone else by comparison, today [at her wedding] it beautified everybody it fell upon.” 

#1 - TOM RIDDLE SR. & TOM RIDDLE JR. (14) 

Our clear winner, and also our second “pretty boy.” (Marvolo calls Tom Sr. “pretty,” and Tom Jr. is “his handsome father in miniature.” so yes, Voldemort does count as a pretty boy.) Poor Tom Sr. - the text frames the aftermath of his sexual assault as him “abandoning” his wife, but unfortunately that falls into the wider trend of only girls being victims of creeps in the HP books. It’s like the weird detail about the stairs to the dormitories - the girls can go to the boys dormitory, but not vice-versa. 

But yeah. Tom Riddle’s attractiveness is brought up almost every time he is. We even get details - we specifically know he lost weight and grew his hair out after he left school, and it looked super good on him. Hepzibah Smith is very into him, Bellatrix is very into him. (Although I do wonder just how snakey he looked when they met.) Adult Voldemort doesn’t treat the loss of his looks as any kind of sacrifice, he seems well rid of them. They’re just another annoying aspect he wants to shed on his quest for transhumanism. He gets rid of his father’s name, it only makes sense he would want to get rid of his looks as well. I do like the detail that  original eyes live inside the Locket, that is cool and creepy. 

(but, logically, I can only assume that means his original nose lives inside the Cup.) 

[poitionsprince]

An accurate representation of Severus Snape and Charity Burbage with Lockhart in the background.

[cottoncandiescupcakes]

I also wear a full face of makeup and a corset under a priest robe or lipgloss and a pair of skin tight pants with a thong to teach class as a middle-aged school teacher

Completely normal behavior

'Dumbledore is gay' WHY DO YOU THINK HE HIRED THESE TWO

[engie-ivy]

1055 words

Gilderoy is convinced grocery store guy was flirting with him, but the truth is, the guy didn't even really notice him. His date on the other hand...

What Bad Dates Can Be Good For

“This is so embarrassing,” Gilderoy smiles, more smug than embarrassed, as he brushes back one of his blond curls. “I'm so sorry. I wish I could say it's an incident, but the truth is, this happens to me all the time. Even while I'm on a date with someone, guys just come up to me and start flirting with me. It's so awkward, but the story of my life, I'm afraid.”

Sirius frowns. “I don't think he was flirting with you.”

Gilderoy smirks. “There's no need to feel threatened, Siri. So far, my attention is still on you.”

Sirius cringes at the nickname. “I'm honestly not threatened,” he assures Gilderoy, and it's true. Their date isn't even halfway yet, but Sirius is already quite certain Gilderoy doesn't do it for him, and if his attention were to be on anyone else, Sirius couldn't care less.

It had started already while planning their date, and Gilderoy had insisted they could go to one of the fanciest restaurants in town without making a reservation, because ‘they know who I am’, of course leading to them not being able to get a table at that restaurant, or any other restaurant anymore on a busy Friday night. Gilderoy had pretended he preferred cooking himself anyways, but of course he didn't have anything edible in his kitchen, so they had to go to the grocery store first. Gilderoy then proceeded to fill their basket with unnecessary and expensive products like pistachio milk, gluten-free protein powder, hand-roasted kale chips and whatnot, probably trying to seem interesting, but only annoying Sirius, and letting him pay for everything on top of that.

Now, having just stepped out of the grocery store, Gilderoy is convinced the employee there had been flirting with him.

“I just truly don't think he was flirting with you,” Sirius says.

Gilderoy rolls his eyes. “Then why did he come up to talk to me?”

“He wanted to restock the shelves, and you were in the way,” Sirius replies matter of factly.

Gilderoy lets out a deep sigh, like he can't believe how dumb Sirius is being. “He was clearly only using that as an excuse to talk to me.” He then smiles at Sirius in a way that feels belittling. “You don't have to be so jealous, you know.”

Sirius doesn't know how to make it any more clear. “Not threatened, not jealous, just disagreeing, Gilderoy.”

“Let's ask him then.”

Sirius blinks. “What?”

“Grocery store guy. Let's go back and ask him, so he can confirm that he was in fact flirting with me.” Gilderoy turns around and starts walking back towards the store.

“Oh, for the love of-” Sirius walks after him. “Gilderoy, let him be! I believe you, okay? He was totally flirting with you! Just leave the poor guy alone!”

“Oh, hello.” Grocery store guy is now standing behind the counter and smiles at Sirius as they enter the store, and Sirius can't help but notice the sight of the soft smile in combination with his freckles. Oh, he thinks as realization dawns. He's cute.

“Hi,” Gilderoy says, before Sirius can say anything. “Would you mind clearing something up for us, and tell my date you were just flirting with me?”

Sirius cringes, torn between trying to look as apologetic as possible and attempting to be as invisible as possible.

“I…” The guy blinks at Gilderoy. “Am sorry?”

Gilderoy lets out a laugh. “No need to be embarrassed. You're not the first and you won't be the last.”

The guy frowns as he stares at Gilderoy. “Am I supposed to know you?”

Gilderoy’s arrogant persona falters for a moment as he looks taken aback. “Well, not know me, but you've seen me.”

The guy shakes his head. “I really don't recall having ever seen you before.”

“You… What… How…” Gilderoy sputters, as Sirius has to bite the inside of his cheek not to laugh.

“Sorry, mate.” The guy shrugs.

"Bollocks!" Gilderoy bristles, his face turning red. “You're trying to mess with me!”

The guy tilts his head, calmly studying Gilderoy. “There's just a lot of people coming in and out of the store all day. Hard to remember who I've seen.”

“I am not hard to remember!” Gilderoy bites at him.

The guy holds up his hands, but his expression betrays his amusement with Gilderoy’s reaction, whose face is now bright red. “No offense.”

“Whatever,” Gilderoy snaps. “Keep telling that to yourself.” He turns on his heels and stalks out of the store.

“I am so sorry about him,” Sirius says, feeling like he has to say something.

“I'm sorry for you,” the guy replies. “You're the one who's dating him.” He almost shudders at the thought.

“It's a first date,” Sirius quickly replies. “I've literally only met him two hours ago.” He doesn't know why he feels the need to clear that up (okay, maybe he does know, and it has something to do with big, amber eyes staring up at him).

“Is that so?” The guy says, leaning forward over the counter. “And what are his chances of getting a second date?”

Sirius huffs. “Let me say it like this, if he were the last single gay guy in town, I would start dating women, and I'm actually very, very gay.”

The guy chuckles. “Well, not to worry. I happen to know for a fact that he's not the last single gay guy in town,” he says, looking up at Sirius through his lashes.

“That's…” Sirius scrapes his throat. “That's good to know.” Then he can't help but ask. “Did you really not remember him? Or were you just messing with his too-big-head?”

“I honestly did not,” The guy says, and then he gives Sirius a meaningful smile. “After all, how could I've noticed anyone else when you were right there?”

Sirius can feel himself blush, but before he can scramble his brain together enough to come up with an of course very smooth and witty reply, Gilderoy appears in the door.

“Are you done here? I'm hungry.”

“Thank you very much, sir,” the guy says, in a suddenly professional voice. “Here's your receipt.”

Sirius takes the receipt, and since he did not buy anything, he's not entirely surprised, yet entirely pleased, to see a phone number scribbled down on the piece of paper.

[c-kayp]

I would say expect more of these, but I cannot be trusted to consistently post anything. Thank you my pride and joy @mellon-soup for the pose, I almost exclusively use yours.

[meemoop]

Erm where the simga my greek gilderoy lockhart at?😭😭😭

I say no requests but here I am anyway 😅😮‍💨

and don’t say sigma…it gives me flashbacks to stats…

[severussnapemylove]

Lockhart; "Are you saying that I'm not qualified?"

Severus; "You spell "magic" with a "Y." And what's upsetting about that is that I don't think you know that that's wrong.

[futurequibblerjournalist]

You cannot convince me Sirius has not beaten up Barty at least once because he was running his mouth and spreading rumours about him

[hogwartsraccoon]

with Lockhart

[hufflepuffz]

not entirely happy with this one but whatever

[writtenicarus]

you're telling me the girls and gays at hogwarts crushed on lockhart and not REMUS?? hahaha fuck no

[poitionsprince]

Severus being born in 1960, Lockhart in 1964.

Severus' worst memory - June, 1976 - Lockhart's first year.

Severus becoming a teacher on September of 1981 - Lockhart is in his 7th year.

The new students are weary of the dungeon bat and Lockhart just going "this goth potions nerd? I remember when *yada yada talk about his humiliation in the worst memory with how the rumors described it*"

Needless to say when Severus found out he made Lockhart's last year a living hell.

Needless to say Severus was very close to off Dumbledore when he gave Lockhart the DADA position.

[cheetocrumbscoveredghost]

i love my husband (a fictional dude who would either despise or not give a flying fuck about me if he actually existed)