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giantkillerjack · 1 year ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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originalartblog · 6 months ago

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(continued under the cut ↓)

did you hear about my amazing propaganda yet

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somnimagus · 1 year ago

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My page for @sheikahzine; about Impaz's duty to her village, empty of people and full of memories.

[id in alt text]

#legend of zelda #loz #twilight princess #loz tp #i'm still reeling that someone sent me an ask about this one.. that they took the time to find my tumblr and tell me they liked it #it really meant a lot; thank you to anyone that stops to leave comments like that. they make me happy #but yeah! here's the usual symbolism ramble:#i thought it'd be cool to have the 'spirits' flowing one way and the cats walking through them the other way #to kinda show the difference in life inhabiting the village in the past and present #link's face is covered because impaz was just waiting for 'the hero' so his clothes are what matters; not his face #and it (hopefully) gives a surreal and intangible sense to 'the hero' she could only hope would actually show up #you can feel free to interpret the glowy blue sheikah as ghosts or just as memories of the past! i couldn't decide either way #the one on the bottom left is oot impa since she's implied to be the village founder. so i guess she would be a ghost actually?#fan art #my art #project stuff #and ahhh the book-- everyone's stuff is so beautiful!!#especially the writing. some of the fics made me really tear up and some were so fun and clever. i really love them #a lot of them captured the sheer burden of the role of the sheikah; all of the time and grief and doubt #i know i always say this stuff about every project but. the people i get to work with in these are truly so skilled every time

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somecunttookmyurl · 10 months ago

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the "all customer service people are trained by management to be illiterate apes you can never get any resolutions by design dont be mean about it" crowd would faint to know there is a guy at my bank RIGHT NOW attempting to resolve an issue that would normally take a week

see. i tried to order food (having nothing of note in the house, and too much pain currently to get down 3 flights of stairs about it) and the payment failed on just eat's end.

but it went through fine on my bank's end, so the funds are tied up in "pending"... for a week. my available balance is now 95p so i can't just do it again

the bank cannot typically do anything about this until the normal time frame for collection passes and they funds just release automatically. just eat have zero contactable customer service

but it is for FOOD and there's no more MONEY and i am a DISABLED CUSTOMER so BY FUCKING GOD not on zeeshan's watch

#i said i live by myself - which i do it's kind of the problem right now #so he's actually said 'i fully understand what you're going through so please know i'm here even if you just want to talk to someone #whilst i wait for a response from the product team'#like. ok king #i hope you can always find a pen when you need one and it always works

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cerubean · 3 months ago

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somewhere deep in the forest...

#trying to get some use out of this 30$ game pack i never use #i'll favorite the original lot on the gallery so that you guys can find it on my profile (ceru-bean)#ts4 gameplay #the sims 4 #simblr #s4mm #s #ts4 #aslo! once im done making the camp tshirts and hats and everything im gonna make the camp counselors!!!! im so excited ^-^#i was thinking of having 4 young adults and 3-4 teens as counselors and then about 12 kids for the camp? idk we'll see #also need the tool mod so i can add activities around the camp off lot like archery or smtg #we'll see how long this fixation lasts and if it'll ever see the light of day but at least i hope it inspires someone else!

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tea-n-ink · 5 months ago

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Homesickness is where the heart is

#my art #tea n ink #favourite scene in the entire game #i have SO MUCH respect for the dev for keeping the missing country a complete mystery #like an event only ever comedically referred to as “the incident”#like a horror movie monster you never fully see #i want to know so badly and i hope im NEVER TOLD #the fact you never find out and both the player and siffrin just gotta DEAL WITH THAT #is infinitely more interesting than anything any writer could say was canon #also can i say?#the importance that someone's religion culture food and language has to literally every other character #makes the fact siffrin cannot have that and cannot get it back HURT SO MUCH #AND AND AND #the fact that all of it is so intuitive and familiar to him that he can ALMOST grasp it but never enough to make it hurt less is just *mwah #ISAT #in stars and time #siffrin #isat siffrin #isat #isat fanart #artists on tumblr #isat tea n ink #isat spoilers

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deityofhearts · 3 months ago

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happy 4th birthday to the most batshit ask I’ve ever received on this webbed site!!

#deity dialogue #for context: this was sent after i made a post asking if my tone of speaking soemtimes sounds rude because I struggle with tone #additional follow up context: this person saying my coworkers should find me scary was in regards to a post where I said that I can’t #successfully scare my coworkers but they succeed in scaring me #but all that aside what a wild and shitty thing to send to a stranger online who you know nothing about! I hope this person is lying about #as my psychologist like fuck off #the funniest part is them saying they sent it on anon because if they didn’t other people would be lining up begging them to diagnose them #this ask made me turn off anon asks for the first time ever btw #idk just sending an ask like this to someone you only know through a couple posts online is such a shit person move #shout out to my followers and friends at the time who all teamed up to clown on this person for this shit

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inkskinned · 2 years ago

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"it's so embarrassing you like that popular thing" "oh ew that geeky/strange thing is so cringe lol" "oh it's kind of weird you get excited about that harmless shit"

dude i love how ironic and jaded you are and that's so cool and sexy of you. and i am so so glad to tell you - you won!! we all had a meeting and we decided that you won, and we are writing your name on the inside of a burger king crown. the marker smeared, sorry, but we knew any form of real effort is ugly to you. but anyway. congrats! you are officially the coolest, most ironic, most jaded person in-the-world-right-now. we would throw you a party but you would think it was totally boring - and besides, we're weird so we wouldn't have been coming. we would have brought our love of beetles and of baking and of little canapes. we would have brought our artsy videogames and pages of writing. we would have written a poem with you, our hands covered in ink, and spread out a canvas to dance on, the night so lurid and pink.

but do not worry. we will not throw the party. we will just get you a ringlight and that crown i mentioned. it is a nice crown, except for where one of us dropped it.

the vote was a really hard one because we had so many cool ironic people to pick off the shelves. all of you have hands that rot fruit, how strange is that - you can't look at something without destroying it for other people. you like it when you can squeeze a person into a pinpoint - all us small ones scampering our little feet around our ugly joys. the vote was also a hard one because we kept our voices down because you don't like it when we talk too loud. you were on your phone at the time, talking to people other than us. you are a ghoul of every moment - half in, half out, you resent us for being here without shame or embarrassment.

so good news! we have invented an island for people like you. you get to go there and speak into the air things like if you still like watching harmless twitch streamers in 2023 you're fucking boring. you will say things like liveplay podcasts are fucking ugly and it's kind of awkward they try to make everything gay. on the island we made you, all of your words will have weight. they will form in the air like icicles, large white behemoth letters that will crumple in anvils around your feet. maybe we will send someone there once in a while to sweep, but honestly you might be there for a while, alone, waiting. we are busy being outside looking for mushrooms and flapping our hands and humming. we are busy kicking our little heels while we watch cringey tv. we are busy - sorry! as an apology, we have pre-filled the island with every bland, mediocre, unscented thing we could find. the island has the texture of american cheese. the island has an ocean that never gets angry. the island is perfect for you, trust me. you will be so happy there - as happy as you can be, ironically.

we want to say we are sorry for doing harmless things that you find annoying, childish, or unappealing - but we are not sorry. we thought we could help you, because we don't mind laughing at ourselves, but it turns out you are allergic to color and noise and atmosphere, so this is the best that we can do for now. we are all making a big shirt that says i voted in the ironic monarchy. we got you one that is just a fast fashion buttondown. i am so excited for you and this island and the big life you have won. you have a cool jaded grey life and miles of irony to roam. i love you! be well.

now leave us alone.

#spilled ink #writeblr #slam poetry #i started this as a joke and ended up taking after #the poem about all the women in the world meeting in the bathroom #i can't find it to link it directly i've been googling for like 15 minutes if someone can remember #turns out frantically googling the only lines like ''women meeting in the bathroom''#''secret womens meeting you always believed happened" is not useful for . to search??? help :(#also the reason this says harmless so many times is bc like #this is 100% about like #yeah man when ppl are mean about ppl enjoying things like. fuckin lady gaga #like this is so obviously about ppl who steal ur joy for no reason (i WILL steal ur joy if ur a bigot btw)#also yes it's bc someone was like ''liking the mcelroys in 2023 is cringe''#and im like. dude what the fuck literally just let people like things it's LITERALLY not that deep.#like i dont like centipedes theyre one of like the 2 bugs im squicked out by ... but like.#if u really like centipedes. im like so happy for you. i hope you can put socks on ur centipedes #so they can speedclean ur floors. that would be fun and cool!!!#i love u i hope all of you have a weird passion i love you i hope that passion fills your life like soap bubbles

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binghe-malewife-goals · 1 year ago

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I know a lot of people use these two images to show Viktor's character development into a (what we have yet to seen) antagonist, but I think it shows a more resolute—hardened Viktor.

In this shot, Viktor is stagnant. He looks lost, sad, even surprised. He only watches on as Jayce speaks for them, and Hextech, as a whole.

In this scene, he feels and looks utterly powerless.

But this Viktor?

He looks determined. Resolute and unrelenting. Shaped, now, by his own regrets. Instead of Jayce doing the talking, Viktor does.

This is a Viktor who looks like he's daring the council to fuck with him, frankly. A Viktor that is determined to set things right, to not lose their dream again, no matter what.

(And whether Jayce and Viktor succeed in this, we'll see)

#just realized that dogged determination may be the factor into his GLORIOUS EVOLUTION #if the arcane writers go that route #tbh i always find it funnt how people say viktor looks evil here bc im like? nah my man looks ready to verbally destroy someone #like i said hes literally daring you to fuck with him and find out and its great #another animation detail i found is that Viktor's eyes widen and have that little sparkle of hope/wonder when hes says “independence”#arcane viktor #arcane lol #tbh if im talking about jayce or viktor you can just assume #jayvik

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feroluce · 3 months ago

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Not pictured: Aventurine asking Ratio if he remembers where they parked

#honkai star rail #hsr #hsr boothill #hsr dan heng #hsr caelus #hsr march 7th #Boothill openly admits he will rob someone blind if he doesn't like them. This is usually how he gets a new phone too.#you look at him and tell me he's never stolen a car NSJZJNDMD #I would love to see Boothill hijack a whole-ass space ship please he would have so much fun with it BSMJZNDMD #I know he and Aventurine have a temporary truce but Boothill pretty explicitly makes plans to kill him and Topaz in his party lines #so I wonder if they can get along or not haha #personally I think it's way funnier if they don't nskzjzndk #I hope Boothill threatens to give Aventurine a lead headache every other sentence-#-and Aventurine openly rubs it in that Boothill CAN'T kill him yet because he needs his info to find Oswaldo #I hope they strangle each other BSNZJNSND #caelus #march 7th #dan heng #boothill #...#henghill #because I can #(Dan Heng knows his boyfriend so well to expect things like this out of him-)#bootheng

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your-turn-to-role · 28 days ago

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"look, i've been meaning to talk to you..."

"about, my sister"

YEAH ABOUT THAT

#my favourite thing about this scene still is after the reveal on stream liam was like gross wtf!!! laura whyyyyyy #and taliesin was like 'i was really hoping you were gonna do that. i was playing to it.'#find someone who matches your freak indeed #cr liveblog #cr spoilers #tlovm #the legend of vox machina

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phoenixkaptain · 4 months ago

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Novel A New Hope Vader is my favourite Vader (so far) because he Is Anakin, he is everything Anakin is set up to be. He is intimidating, he is overwhelming, standing next to him feels like standing next to a black hole, he is-

The biggest little shit in the entire galaxy.

You canNOT convince me that he didn’t say half his lines with a shit-eating smirk. He is awful to be around, he is the worst person to ever exist, he is SO annoying.

And Novel Vader is so Anakin because the book can give us details the movie can’t. The book gives us the author’s choice of wording, the way the author intended the scenes to be, and Vader is such a little shit almost constantly but my FAVOURITE will always be when Tagge talks back to him about the Force, saying it isn’t as powerful or scary as he makes it out to be and Vader just-

“I find,” Vader ventured mildly, “this lack of faith to be disturbing.”

-the WORD CHOICE. The fucking WORDS chosen.

“Ventured”??? “Mildly”??? He is CHOKING this man!!! This man is DYING!! He is being such a little shit right now, this is it. This is the Him, this is Anakin Skywalker right here. He is using unnecessary force and being a bitch about it and there will never be anything that so perfectly encapsulates Anakin Skywalker than this fucking scene in this fucking novel.

On the topic and as a brief aside, the novel is what makes me think that Leia was planned to be Vader’s kid, or at least a narrative mirror to Vader, right from the start. She is also such an Anakin.

“Darth Vader… I should have known. Only you would be so bold— and so stupid.”

She just… also. Encapsulates Anakin. Like. Yeah. Yeah, this is what he could have been. He could have been a terrifying figure that people rallied behind. He is loyal to the death, as is Leia. She spits on Darth Vader while he’s having her dragged away. She mocks him to his face. This is the character that the Anakin Skywalker of future movies mimics. Her passion, her anger, her being a little shit and insisting throughout everything that it WAS a diplomatic vessel and they WERE on a diplomatic mission.

Leia is the first character to face down Vader in this novel and not show fear. She is the first character who refuses to submit in the face of the scariest guy in the galaxy. She continues to refuse to submit. She’s just. A great fucking liar.

Leia puts all her trust, her very life and the sake of the entire rebellion she’s fighting for, in a droid. An astromech droid. She begs for them to take the droid further, not for them to find her. She’s willing to die, and she trusts her death will not be in vain because she trusts a droid.

And that, if nothing else, is all the proof needed that Leia is what Anakin could have been.

#the inane ramblings of a madman #star wars #anakin skywalker #leia organa #darth vader #i fucking love these two #fucking narrative foils #from falling in love with someone unadvisable and older #to insulting enemies to their fucking face #these two man #leia and anakin are the definition #of the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree #i could go on for hours about the way leia perfectly fits anakin #the way anakin draws so many aspects of himself from leia #because he does!!#the prequels do NOT make anakin luke’s dad #they make him leia’s #the people telling luke he acts like his father are bonkers #i mean surface level yeah #but beneath that #it’s all leia baby #leia is goddamn passion made into light and i fucking love her constantly #a new hope #anh novel #love them love them love them #give me more anakin and leia spending time together and hating every similarity they find #i bet you leia hates sand

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turtleblogatlast · 7 months ago

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Don’t think I ever quite said what my LGBTQ+ headcanons are for the boys, so these are my current thoughts! Always changing of course but this is what I feel most strongly right now.