survivingchildhoodtrauma

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Being tired doesn’t make you a failure

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Two writers whose books have helped in my healing journey

Gracie Gold - Outofshapeworthlessloser: A Memoir of Figure Skating, F*cking Up, and Figuring It Out

Jennette McCurdy - I’m Glad My Mom Died

Check out their books!

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Kirsten Alberts joined estranged parents groups and shares what the parents are saying. What she reports is eye-opening and disturbing.

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Yup

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Fan fic and CPTSD

I enjoy writing fan fiction but feel a sense of shame for it. My CPTSD plays a role in that. My mother looked down on me for how much I enjoyed TV shows and storytelling. It makes her angry and disgusted when people are deeply interested in TV shows, musical groups, etc. She made her disgust known to me and my sister. (My sister had similar interests.) I grew up feeling deeply ashamed of my fic writing, a feeling I can’t shake today.

I once told a therapist I write fan fiction: I felt so much shame I broke down and started sobbing. I don’t remember ever crying that hard at a session.

I recently found the courage to start publishing my fic. It hasn't been a good experience. I can't connect with other writers in the fandom, even though they’ve welcomed me. I’ve tried but I always feel like an outsider. I’ve unintentionally pushed people away and alienated myself because I can’t handle criticism or move past my pain. There’s always a voice in the back of my head telling me I’m a freak who doesn’t belong.

I have so much internal work to do. I hope it will take me somewhere better.

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Every damn day is a struggle to feel good about myself.

Every damn day is a struggle to feel adequate.

Every damn day is a struggle to feel like I am enough.

I will get there, but fuck, this healing work is exhausting!

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Healing trauma through GIFs

Saw this GIF and had a hilarious thought. It would have been great to have the ability to delete my abusers when I was a kiddo.

Example -

Mom says abusive things: "You're lazy. You can't remember shit. I'm ashamed of you. You little b*tch."

Me: "Delete the mom." 😂😂😂

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Realized that I have been self-isolating more than I thought. It’s hard to tell when you work from home and already don’t interact with people on a regular basis. But lately I’ve been isolating myself on social media as well. I thought backing away from groups and platforms would help me not get hurt by people. But I only feel more alone now. Made an appointment with a new therapist. Hopefully that will help. I’m listening to this podcast today. People trigger me all the time, so hopefully this podcast will help.

Anyone else deal with CPTSD and self-isolation?

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Started reading Matthew Perry's memoir & realized it's hitting too close to home. He grew up in a dysfunctional family. He was responsible for his mother's emotions. He felt like he wasn't good enough. I'm only three chapters in and have already cried. I know what it's like to feel that broken. I'm devastated for him. I'm devastated for all of us who've had similar childhoods.

The ending of this book is going to wreck me. I don't want to stop reading it. But for now, I need to put it down for my mental health's sake.

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Holy cow, this video resonated with me so much. I'm going to watch again and take notes!

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

I Don't Fear Conflict. I Fear Emotional Manipulation, Blame-Shifting & Gaslighting

You're such a wimp! Call people out if they hurt you! Stop being afraid of conflict!

I've heard variations of this comment for years. But it's not conflict I fear. I fear emotional manipulation, blame-shifting, and gaslighting.

Blame-shifting and gaslighting were all I knew as a child. I was my mother's scapegoat. I was my aunts' scapegoat. I wasn't my father's scapegoat, but he still shifted the blame to me if I called out his bad behavior. Speaking out when people hurt me meant putting myself at risk for more emotional abuse. Staying silent was a way I protected myself from the abuse. It's a strategy that no longer serves me, but it's been difficult to unlearn it.

After years of emotional abuse, I do not trust people to be kind. If I hold a grudge against someone rather than telling them that they hurt my feelings, it's because I do not trust them. I'm learning to give people a chance rather than assume they will be emotionally manipulative. But we live in a world filled with high conflict, abusive people. It's hard to know who to trust.

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Just learned about the gray/grey rocking method. I’ve used it before and didn't know it, lol!

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Sure the hell doesn't

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

This applies to toxic family members

[survivingchildhoodtrauma]

Unpopular opinion: People with parents that were abusive and traumatized them, never actually experienced the good cop versus bad cop dynamic. Both parents were both bad cops, only in different ways.