strawberrypeachgelato

[strawberrypeachgelato]

I’m Sorry

Dear …

The pressure of societal norms got to you and I’m sorry. You didn’t know how to ignore those outside pressures, and I’m sorry. You couldn’t figure out that there is nothing wrong with you nor the things that you like, and I’m sorry. You couldn’t see the beauty in diversity, and I’m sorry. You didn’t understand that you didn’t need anyone’s approval to like the things you like, and I’m sorry. You didn’t understand that beauty is only defined on an individual level, quantified by everything in life, and I’m sorry. You thought that if you did things that your friends would approve of then they would accept you more, and I’m sorry. You thought that there is only one way to be accepted and that was to be the person that you think everyone else is suppose to be, and I’m sorry.

You’re insecure; within yourself, your decisions, your likes, your dislikes, your faults, your failures, your strengths, your uniqueness—YOU. You seek approval when there is none needed, and from those you don’t need any. You’re ashamed of your likes and dislikes, hiding them for shame of ridicule from those you seek approval. You hide your faults and failures for fear of being judged on those flaws alone. You don’t accept the strength in your uniqueness, and all that is you. For all of that I am sorry.

I tried to show you that there’s no such thing as normal and we are all unique in our tastes… Diversity is abound—Society is lying to you. You don’t need to feel ashamed of liking the things you like nor for things which you do not. You do not need approval from your parents, your friends, coworkers, your peers—only you. You don’t need to hide your faults to be a whole person—Contrary, your faults make you whole. You don’t have to bury you failure because they make you bad—You’re good in spite of those failures. Being bad doesn’t mean we are without failure. Rather, being good means we’ve learned from the things which we were once bad. Our flaws are what makes us unique, and we need them to be us. We need to be individuals, otherwise, what is the point?

I’ve said that I am sorry… I’ve said I’m sorry several time, but not because I’ve failed you. Rather, I’m sorry you couldn’t see all those things you need to see in order to feel secure in yourself. Yes indeed, for that I am sorry. I did try. I accepted you—completely. Your quirks, and ticks; your likes and dislikes; your faults and failures; your strengths and your weaknesses; your uniqueness—all that is you. And since I did accept all of this and you were still insecure and rejected me for those who do not accept you, I am sorry.

With love,

A true friend.

P.S. I will always be here if you ever decide to be you, open up, and let me in.

[strawberrypeachgelato]

Dreamy Nightmares

Nikolaj Abraham Abildgaard (1800)

Johann Heinrich Füssli (1781)

Johann Heinrich Füssli (1802)

[strawberrypeachgelato]

four hours

i have to be awake

all hours

you occupy my brain

what is it about you

that makes me

wanna get lost in you

with you even

i would go anyways

as long as you were there

you make me feel safe

is it wrong to say

despite the short time

i really hope you're the one

who stays

maybe i'm the problem

the toxic one

a red flag

maybe that's what scares me

it's not you it's me

i'm the one who's bad

i want to be trained

show me what you want

tell me what i should say

i want to be a good girl

i want to obey

it's too strong to ask now

so i save those for another day

but i do want you

and i want you to want me

in every kind of way

do you have it in you

to entertain what i say

would it scare you

if i told you this some day

or is this what you saw

lost abused puppy

looking for someone to help

rescue her from herself

is it bad i hope you did

i know you won't hurt me

and if you did

i might love it anyways

maybe stockholm is it

you're so kind

and speak my language

maybe it's what got me

you know what you did

almost obsessed

i like it here though

i like you

keep me forever please

at least for now

so my brain can go to sleep

[strawberrypeachgelato]

everything you said

melts away in the end

it rots back down

to the depths of where

you laid me to rest

everything will always

come to an end

we let it drag out

for so long now

you're the one who's broken

but i found myself again

and i just wanna know how much you pretend

were you ever even really my friend

it doesn't matter the time we spent together

you always told me i was the reason for your life always going wrong

is that why you still call me to come home?

are you ready to admit you're just scared to finally be alone?

[strawberrypeachgelato]

sometimes my mind

goes somewhere else

and it's really not you

it's just me against my worst self

do you tell them about us?

or am i just a phase?

the kind you get over by the next month

the one you don't talk about

just in case

i don't think i care

cos even if that was true

i want to give you that chance

to hurt me anyways

[strawberrypeachgelato]

feeling observed

like a rat in a cage

very experimental

watch me descend

into the chaos i crave

is it enough

to know i feel the same

[strawberrypeachgelato]

something about you

makes my heart skip a beat

i get so nervous

always scared to speak

usually i don't care

about how anyone perceives me

i don't know if i love or hate

how you can't read me

all of it is internal

with no fault of your own

i don't wanna get hurt

so i run away instead

awareness i have

it's strength i lack

but something about you

will always make me come back

[strawberrypeachgelato]

[strawberrypeachgelato]

i gave away the key

to my heart tonight

you didn’t even have to try

and i didn’t wanna fight it

you don’t even realise

i’ll continue to hide it

maybe even deny it

even if just to myself

though i’m bad at lying

[strawberrypeachgelato]

impending doom and existential dread

my favorite morning cocktail

no wonder i don't get out of bed

another day spent lost in thoughts

a prisoner to my head

i hate remembering the things you said

you made it seem like i was better off dead

funny how you miss me next to you in bed

sadly i don't know if i can trust you again

i don't know if i want to trust you again

someday i will feel better than i do today

does it work if i hope and pray?

god let me feel okay

i would love to see what this looks like from your point of view

do you even feel bad about everything you did?

or will it be easier to blame me to save yourself in the end?

[strawberrypeachgelato]

stupid naive girl

is that who you wanted?

one who hangs onto your every word

loyal puppy

follow your every move

obey your every command

bad girl

should’ve known better

shock me til i matter

eyes puffy again

do you like watching how far i bend

before i break in your hands

mould me

into who you want me to be

turn me into the girl you want to see

silly naive girl

easy to manipulate, hard to hold

the impact felt like love

even when i knew you were cold

and yet maybe that’s what i wanted

maybe i did wanna be owned

[strawberrypeachgelato]

have we arrived?

the right place yet wrong time

the countdown begins

liquor, fireworks and lights

is it premonition

another sign?

is it possible i occupy your mind?

did you think the same thing when your eyes locked with mine?

oh how beautiful we would be intertwined

have we arrived?

the wrong place, right time

the feeling of your lips against mine

is it wrong i wouldn’t mind?

falling in love in the best high

even for just one night

i would do it all again

to feel the rush one more time

[strawberrypeachgelato]

an exchange of glances

playing a game of chances

are you just as enchanted?

does the drink in our hands enhance it?

drunk walk

everyone passes by

did you feel scared?

to be by my side

so much spoken

with little words to say

i hate when you smile at me that way

it only allows the war inside to rage

no one knows what you said

consumed with each other instead

it never left my head

i’d remind you anytime again

[strawberrypeachgelato]

the feeling of craving

never allows my mind to behave

it’s something about you i can’t say

i just want you in every way

ways i should never say

she told me give it time, “just wait”

i know this will only grow with every passing day

the thrill of it all; the start of the game

what’s funny? i don’t even remember your name

yet here you are

allocating space in my brain

so silly goofy girl of me

knowing the feelings may not be the same

there is a reason why she told me to wait

but i don’t think i care

i want you

like an iced coffee on a sunday

i’ll start if you promise to play

it doesn’t have to be good for us

that’s the fun

of what we crave

- r

[strawberrypeachgelato]

3pm on a tuesday

crying at work

unable to think straight

you were driving to see her

just to come home to me

did you expect me not to see

the way you felt changed with me

it could’ve been my insecurities

but you were never that patient

i always expected you to leave

is it worse it doesn’t sting

the feeling of being free

the ability to see

finally; release of the hold you had on me

- r

[strawberrypeachgelato]

hey space cowboy

what’s the weather like where you are

did you make it further than mars

are you caught up in saturn’s barz

maybe i should give you a week

but one eventually turns to two

i try to spot the signs early now

maybe it’s everything you’re going through

i hope you know i miss you

sorry i attached so soon

i hope you got the messages i set to the moon

every single one was meant for you

the boy who doesn’t feel enough and the girl that feels too much

what are we to do

other than feel everything through

easier to say than i think to do

my space cowboy

i hope you’re safe where you are

for now i’ll keep wishing on this star

you’ll always live in my heart

- r

[strawberrypeachgelato]

you said my mind was fascinating

despite the self sedation

is it because you truly meant it

or is it all a phase of infatuation

does she still cross your mind from time to time

is it a war between her and i

is it safe if i surrender

let go before i fully lose my mind

am i the only one

is there actually chemistry

or am i the experiment you need

to realise your full potential

to use me until you’re done

could i ever be your only one?

- r