standards-destruction

[standards-destruction]

It's been a while

Hey guys,

No this blog is still up and running sorry on accounts of my life either being the best or worst days of my life. I haven't been into writing this sad moments. Sometimes it is hard to get up without being worried that life is gonna throw a hard ball at me. I really can not breathe without being scared, I should not be afraid. But I am because life does not revolve around me, I know that and even though I know it. It doesnt make it any easier, personally it makes giving up more easier.

It is a brave thing to live in a world that you know is not morally correct in anyway. I sometimes feel that living is a punishment, happiness is a blessing that barely happens for me. I should be more happy as of late, but all I can feel is hatred for the people who achieve more happiness than I ever will. Is it jealousy, hatred, or just remorse for what a rotten life I have. I cry about it more than I can count, it is a pity party for one that I can exit from. I get asked everyday why am I so angry? I cant answer because Im so tired of dealing with living in a world that the cards have made near impossible to have a life.

Yeah I may have a negative outlook but I cant get out of, it is a very frustrating thing. That is something I can not change without feeling the rejection of being told I cant be help, I get so mad because I want help and I cant have it. No one around be can purify this demon which lingers over me, it pulls at my heart strings and tears at my mental health. One dag I hope to find the help I am seeking regardless of what it is.

[standards-destruction]

Sessions

So hi guys hope,you have been well. If you havent I understand, I have been fighting a battle I can not win for a long time. It my need to please people, those who I cant please become my fear that sets off my angry quite easily. I have not been very well at all ,due feeling trapped in a hole which I cant seem to climb out of. I feel like this void which is my life is filling with water and I am sure to drown. Escape my mind says, which isnt easy at all. I try to power through my problems with a smile when I feel the aching within my chest. Recently a member of my family has purchased a gun, there are reasons i hate this item. Its a item of war which should be restricted to either entainment, animal control (like hunting deer) and of course war.

But the reason I hate it is because I feel my sanity slipping away and can see my mind calling to end this suffering which I feel every fucking day of my life. I can not stand to know I have done nothing with my life, I cant bare the thought of knowing my life is going no where. What have I accomplished? I feel nothing has made feel more upset then living, cause I dont k now what I am living for. I am tired and growing bitter at everyone around me because I am try tk change it but nothing changes just the end and date. The weather doesnt help, just wish away the pain I try to think. But its a fat lie, one I have given myself as a security blanket to hide my weakness.

The gun is an easy way out for me, which is why I know as a person. I would never have a gun, because I would end it for meand this sham of a life I keep pretending to live. I am the typical person who will get no where in life and feel like O will continue to waste the resource and time that would be better to given someone else. I wish I could end and jusg donate this living body to science and end it that way and at least knowing I would make some spec of contribution to society.

[standards-destruction]

No control

Hey guys, S-Deezy here, Lmao that is totally not what my page is about. I guess I have been faking my happiness a lot lately.

But we do that for people we love, it is funny that people make complaints about things that they do to others. I find it funny and nerve racking, I have a co-worker I avoid who does this all the time. She was nice to me and that day my sister in law pasted away, So out of fear I avoid her. But sometime get a huge careless angry personality that does what it wants. I have no memory of certain events in my angry, like fights, buying things I feared of getting, or just the entire day. I either feel like my memory is selective or I am a biopolar mess who needs help.. A lot of bloody help....

Today I have a rather simply problem, I have no control of my life. It is a pproblem I can not fix without fucking myself or others in the process. Sometime I think of suicide during this times, but my intelligence tells me to endure it. But my fears and self conscious mind tells me no change will happen and my life will be dull till I die.

I dont need help to talk to suicide prevention hotline cause what can they tell me that I already didnt know? Im just a person in this that cant afford help to help myself, I was not born into a life of money and I was given choices. It is a situation I would never of thought of till I was 18 and began an even more struggle in life more than I did before. But it is okay I know some care however I am tired of being tired

[standards-destruction]

Gender Netruality, and Sexist beliefs

Okay so the world needs some education, Feminism isn't the belief of being sexist toward men. Seriously as an avid video game lover and a person who doesn't like labels to begin with or let alone a person who believes in equality as a whole. Like many things its usually a two-way street regardless if it is a relationship, a friendship or hell trying to drive. But as person who stands for history and treating people equally by nature; It is a shame as humans to treat people with such disrepect for their gender.

Yes, I am well aware life sadly has conducted many wrongs in the name of man. Whether it involves wars, murder, the law, payment.. There is a lot okay, personally as a person who has struggled with my own identity as an individual and someone who has educated myself with my own beliefs rather than ones people try to brainwash into others with religions or just the way they feel with society. It is painful to lose job opportunities because of my sex and color of my skin.

The real question is why should that matter? It shouldnt to some points, instead of corrupting every male on this planet to hide and run from woman, woman should be a beacon of power that should be feared intelligently. Guys were sadly made to be bulky lug nuts that weirdly carry alot in physical strength, however think about this. You think if it wasnt for women, men would of won the war? If you answer No, you are as much of fool as anyone elses. Because there wasnt a huge mass population like we have today.

Woman are impressive being due to their smarts and drive to get things done. Women are powerful with intelligentlce, beauty and Charimas or as beloved Drag Queen Super model of the world says 'Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent.' The way women who just whine and bitch to get what they want for change isnt the way to make a change. Because you have imbodied the thing you hate by ruining things that dont need to be changed or just plain being a hypocrite. The comparison I am making might me sound shallow but I believe it was an unneeded change.

Ghostbusters, seriously why?! You tore down a beloved series by making it what a laughing stock. Yes I understand some rare few enjoy the movie, but take into consideration. Instead of thinking females made it bad think of the dialogue, the terrible CGI effects or let alone the writing. That is thinking equally or even Infamous First Light, the one that stars Fetch. Nothing(Thank god) happened with the game, but the DLC Stand alone was well written because its the story that prove Fetch could overcome and endure, Femi-Nazis see it as a sign of being taken advantage of. She was manipulated into doing bad things, she was fragile and unable to see right from wrong due to her actions.

The Infamous Second Sun's Moral of the story and background has always been choices, Fetch and Desmond made a choice and the storyline changes depending how you spin the story. Hate is a powerful thing and can make you a terrible person, if you really want a change think of how others may feel if you take things people love and make it into a thing that wont live up to its true potential cause someone said it was too vulgar.

The world doesnt revolve around one person, it revolves around us as people and what we put into a world. Like a seed will be a great tree if you love and nuture it like a child. Femi-Nazis will keep putting others down to build themselves up, bringing the world to a place of hate and fear. Let me tell what happens when you mix Jealousy Fear and Hate. Fear promotes anger and with that make others lash out in fear of being cornered, you can say it wasnt your fault when genocide is happening in your own country. But you are to blame because everyone is promoting equality and you are promoting a one sided story and shouldnt belong, the story will make other believe it.

When you start destroying statues of The star of David or ruining the chaples for your 'change' remember you artist will start making statues as women being demons and that moment men start thinking women as a dark entity is when the world will have another 2000 years to tell women are witches, satanists and men will destroy all that progress real feminists made to bring equal pay, equal rights even voting. History is doom to repeat itself if you let it and it will, if you continue to promote under a name that promotes equal power.

[standards-destruction]

Working all time

Hello ladies and gents, along with those who are everything in between. I speak with sincere respect and not wanting to refer anyone who is gender fluid or transitioning etc (my spell is off I do apoligize) with malice words or hate. If I am being complicated I love everyone with their special journey in life. With that said, I hope I can perform my daily without confusing anyone of the topic.

As everyone knows I have not been blogging due to work, and just have a sick fiance. So the feeling of constantly working is kinda getting to me, its been getting in the way. As an artist I have been trying to motivate myself to get better at my craft or art by doing excersises and even trying to complete a panel or write a dialogue for each Manga I would like to write.

But as for the crippling mess I have put myself in and can not seem to fix without sabotaging my work or my home life. I can say in the past 24 hours, I can speak freely and not feel burdened by my lingering depression. It regarded a friend of my relative who stayed at the boarding house my family has made with their home. However he lives rent free. I only spoke to my mother about it saying it was unfair and wrong for some to take advantage of my families kindness.

Sorry but coming home and cleaning up after 18 year olds isnt my cup of tea, as for my home life. The constant care for someone else isnt a problem its the neglect of other responsiblities which have had to be put aside for this that have made my 'fallout shelter " pun intended. Into a gross prison which can be stressful. With work and my life falling apart it has be weighing down on me.

Thanks for reading I hope you stay safe and behave! If you have question feel free to ask

[standards-destruction]

Many dont understand but I do since I have seen some things

"Er we dont work in that kind of toy store D: "

the customer service desk is a wild ride

[standards-destruction]

These make my day

An extra special last-minute Christmas Eve comic. Happy Havoc!

[standards-destruction]

The customers who apologize for “being such a pain” actually tend to be the least painful ones to deal with

[standards-destruction]

My job

Love people, to a point; I weirdly enjoy retail for the sole purpose of helping others. It satisfies the low communication I have in my life, (relationships have different kind of communication) But overall its the point of having no one to talk to in my job. Having great responsiblity then taking the blame for something I can not control, its nerve racking and makes me more made than I already was.

Then the agony of coming home and feeling bad for my decisions, its a crime against all odds. I like doing a decent job at work, I dont like managing a company that makes me feel worthless; espically when I have no control with things like getting mugged, having to deal with questions that isnt my job to answer.

I worked for the company for 2 years and I loved the first location, it was ran well and I never left upset. I got kinda ripped off with HR about my papers due their poor management at this current location. But I try to be a good sport about things and adapt. However I get overworked and underpaid due to this maleficent thing called company values.

Im done ranting for now but keep your chin up and know life blows ciao

[standards-destruction]

Catching up

Trying to pick up the pieces of my life, I have been fighting with myself on a constant basis. Everyone around me has been sick and I am the only one to take care of anyone, due to my resistant to germs. It is staggering upon my own health due to everyone only caring about themselves, it is understandable. However, In my weakened state it is hard to compose myself and not lash out since I feel so desperate for attention.

It is wrong to feel so alone and need someone? I ask myself that alot lately since I can not turn to my loved ones without looking like a angered spirit of some sort. I have been burdened with my decisions, I have been thinking of just leaving my barren life behind. It feels so right but I know this decision, would bring out the cowardice side in me that I try to fight. I feel ignored in ways I can not fix and without that sense of control I feel like my action remain useless.

Many believe my depression is just an over reaction of my stress, but my sense of fighting is weakening. Fighting for what I believe in, who am I; little phrases like this make my spirit angry with my choices in life. Yet I can not control it, even rewarding myself I am left feeling guilty with the waste of money for the things my soul desires. Interests, life, achievements, all left ignore and its toll on my mental shortcomings. Drawing, writing, even just watching my anime episodes; They have all slowlh become a hinderance since my passions have angered those around me. Its not them I know, so that question is answered.

I am just slowly failing myself, falling into my void of shame I feel. Thanks for reading and your support.

[standards-destruction]

I was fine ...

So the beginning of my night was dreading the events of me even being at work. However it gradually got better with a good motivational energy booster from Monster Energy drink, which I can say I enjoy the property it gives me for the price of slight addiction. But I did my duty and cleaned then the job I completely dread came along, it's tags by the way. The awful job of tags, which would not be impossible for me if I did not detest the majority of whom I worked with.

But since the caffenine was in full effect I was ready to help and tried to keep time going. However many around were not as cheery as I, even snapped at due to their shortcomings in life. That had made the night feel as if the most patheic being to have walked, what is worse it wasnt even that bad ... Just a 'leave me alone'.

The late hours left me a mess where everytime I thought about it, I would burst in tears like they said I should jump off a bridge. It just made so upset I couldnt stop, I had to put on my Venetian Opera on to calm me down. The day had ended well due to keeping busy and speaking of video with a colleague was very helpful.

But good mental health and good luck

[standards-destruction]

Its 2018 meh

So I cant sleep due to the upsetting feeling of knowing I return to the upsetting job that shows me no appreciation, no joy just brings stress and sadness. I write my stories and try to deal with stress, having the ability to create characters in my mind as if they were really there. I wish it were as time consuming for me, like it was for everyone else. But what I mean to say is my hateful and degrading short comings are filed into the characters I create, if it were problems I can not fix. It shows within my writing and characters, as a writer, artist and training comic book writor. I cant help but feel my creativity corrupted by the problems around me, can I even call myself an artist since I can not put my feelings within art and writings?

Sadly, I dont believed in this year with change and happiness like everyone else woth their false promises to themselves. I feel as person I have let myself down enough for society standards and the choices I have made are nothing but mistakes. Many think they understand but really are judging me for not taking a risk, I take a risk everyday by going to work. How does going work contain a risk factor, it shouldnt however due to the time warp of the town I live in. Time has stopped, positive influence doesnt exist. 'Do your job and go home.' How can I?

It is like everyone thinks it is my fault, something isn't done. You become the victim and target of everyone's problems, I dont need to be the victim since I feel like I am forced to. I get the job no one wants and try to be a good sport, but I take on left overs of everyone just sticking it out for a paycheck. I despise being in retail and I didnt use till I was brought to this time warp, I thought moving was an easy objective and even that was far more than even I could chew.

You know, I write all this and go over many letter of relatives and how they got to go over world not just to another state and that when it was the good ole America drive was there. That is a lie because the world didnt require so much to survive. Standards of life isnt the same, you could get to place you never imagine. I wouldnt be scared to go to college, have a patheic job. Move out of my families house, seriously living in modern society is torture.

Good luck and hope you are okay

[standards-destruction]

Another Morning at the end of 2017

Everyone thinks the end of a terrible day is when you go home, it doesn't. Then comes the high expectations of family and loved ones start to pour in . It is the agonizing feeling of feeling lower than you already are, you do the ritual that you come to do and still feel the crippling destruction of your own mind. The demon of your bad choices that brings the events of hate. It seems everyone has nothing but jealousy and envy. What is there to be jealous about because inside, this woman feels nothing but sadness every morning.

Money isn’t everything, many act like it is a life source. It is more like a cancer that continues to consume mankind. It is like a tumor that grows larger as time brings the destruction to mankind, Many people will kill themselve due to success, I personally understand the feeling to a very minor degree. Except I tend to be upset when a day goes perfect, it brings the nothing but emptiness.

I lay awake with depression, a friend who is by my side. My beloved is with me, however that support can only get me so far. Every couple have problems, I believe mine have no connection to why I am like this. My job, my life slowly become a nightmare that I wish ended with sleep but becomes worse once I wake up. Sometimes the evening ends with screams and tears that wouldn’t til my eyes becomes heavy with exhaustion.

[standards-destruction]

End of 2017 1st post

Well it's been a lovely year of death and many thoughts to consume; I created this blog for a nice change of pace. Everyone is talking Politics and hate, I like a mix and something a tad different. This blog is about the average citizen living in the current world; regardless of education and background. I made this blog as evidence that the world isn't okay, I went from a average fresh 18 year old to a Depression-Anxiety riddled mess (I am in my mid-20s [I do not want people being ageist here]). I didn't have the problem I had until I changed my location and began to think about the world around me.

I can't say I have a college degree or an beautiful PhD in world obsevation, however I just think someone needs to point this crap out or the world as we know will slowly rid itself of itself. Pardon my over expression of the world, but it really has been on the brain to say the least. As you can see I care, to a point; because if I let myself look at the damages the human race has caused ... I tend to get upset for not helping more.

I am a California Native, who has been across the interesting finds of the United States to witness the observatiom of the people shift from understanding and open to close-minded and xenophobic. Skin has never been an idea of who I was until it was force upon me, when my family decided to move to Kentucky. Some say 'the grass is greener on the other side'. I feel like the that was the biggest load of nonsense I have ever heard since at that age I believed the US was just land to begin with.

Yeah, within the week I lived here I have been bashed for the tone of my skin and sex of who I like. I never had this issue ... But those are stories I rather not get into due to this is just the first post of my rambling thoughts. But I love hearing more POV of society I intend to post daily if not weekly to share in this pain I feel every citizen is enduring without a care being put your way. I feel I am slowly turning into ask <insert name here > articles. But I genuinely care, About many things and as a very open minded person I can share a different perspective though it may be different from my own I respect many outlooks.

As a ending to this post~ I wish you all great mental health and good luck in your endevours~