smell-like-daisiess

[smell-like-daisiess]

“I think that after the first time you give your heart away, you never get it back. The rest of your life is just you pretending that you still have a heart.”

— Tarryn Fisher, The Opportunist

[smell-like-daisiess]

the lake district, cumbria, england 🌿

photos by tony richards

[smell-like-daisiess]

Today..

Today... I felt Heartbreak all over again..  Today... I felt like I knew it would come.. Today... I felt like I put my all into something non existent..  Today... I felt like I couldn’t breathe..  Today... I felt my heart literally crack.. Today... I felt used..  Today... I stopped believing in love.. Today... I felt hopeless..  Today... I felt like I couldn’t get the right words out of my mouth.. Today... I felt like it was the end of the world..  Today... I felt like my stomach was turning.. Today... I felt sad  Today... I felt confused..  Today... I cried in the bathroom at work..  Today... I felt like I had no control..  Today... I convinced myself I’m not good enough..  Today... I felt numb.. Today... I got rejected..  Today... I lost a friend..  Today... I’m always reminded why I don’t Love..  Today... I ghosted someone..  Today... I hate MYSELF..  Today... Is when I leave..  Today... Is when I start over..  Today... Is when I try something new.. Today... Is when I stop crying..  Today... Is when I learn to be alone for now..  Today... Is when I stop trying.. Today... Is when I make my circle smaller..  Today... Is when I delete their number..  Today... Is when I finally stop feeling sorry for myself.

[smell-like-daisiess]

Im Back..

Its been a while.. But I had to take a breather from writing my feelings out.. I felt like it helped but it constantly reminded me of my feelings. I always questioned myself; asking myself “Are you really healed or are you just laughing it off???” and then I realized that ive been ignoring how id been feeling. It wasnt just about the break up though. It was about how my life was going at the time and the break up was the cherry on top of all this. So I decided to really sit and actually think about my emotions and what i can do to make things that i can control better. I think what alot of people take for granted of is the power of being alone. I think theres a difference with enjoying being in solitude with yourself and in the company of your circle. Im not the type to jump into a relationship after a break up. If anything I enjoy that period of solitude to think about what are my next steps and i highly encourage that for others. Its been 8 months since my break up and too be honest.. Ive been enjoying life alittle too much. Sometimes i feel like i do not deserve it. I always hear her voice in my head telling that no one will ever love me like she did or Im just not good enough. Then I fight it. I fight off those voices in my head because i know who I am. I know that i am loved and will be loved. I know whats best for me and i know that in the end I will be and I am stronger than ever.  I never thought there would be an end to certain things in my life. W have control over who we choose who can hurt us.. and i chose her. I liked my choice and i hope she liked hers. I think it was an honor to get my heart stomped on forreal because it showed me how to cope and move on in situations like this. Im glad i went through all this because damn id be the weakest bitch i know.  Im back though.. Better than ever and now you guys will be seeing all my crazy posts. I have a few in drafts that im dying to share. If you made it this far... thank you for taking the time to read this and just keep smiling even if its hard. 

[smell-like-daisiess]

107/365

So Ive been wanting to write about this for a while so I was working on this for as long as I can remember. Lets talk about “Online Dating”.. My friend and I started to experiment with Dating Apps just so we can familiarize with how people function and communicate… Lets just say Tay and I have had no luck into figuring out how people work. Tay and I are very old fashioned. We’re one of those friends who call eachother every morning while we take our walks around the neighborhood and talk about our dating life and what we expect. We laughed because we have the most unrealistic expectations. We talked about how we would love it if a guy asked for our numbers, called us unexpectedly to tell us good morning or ask us how our day was instead of asking “you have snap?”, or ask for our address and write us Love Letters like the infamous men back then. We are so dreamy when it comes down to our expectations but I will say… Thats why i love Tay. Her and I share this dreamy and mesmerizing expectation of Love.

Okay but about the dating apps lets update on how things are. Ive been on many dates, sometimes I talk about it on stream and let me tell you its been a fun, exciting ride. Going on these dates with no expectations and going for the drinks and laughs, it amazes me how many nice people I’ve met but then there were horrible dates. Tay hears it all, we laugh about it and then move on to the next date. I think its the thrill of it all… Getting dolled up, having drinks, being myself… its insanely refreshing because I dont have to put on a mask. You either like me for me or just keep it moving if you dont. Online dating is a complicated thing. Having to keep a total stranger interested, you have to keep yourself interested. Its hard because I have the attention span of a 10 year old. I like moving to the next adventure these dating apps are about to take me. Meeting them would be the worst part for some but for me its the best part. I play this game with myself and bet if the person is actually the height they are… i know its silly, but they do lie…

I dont get people still… and I’m still working on it but this has been insanely fun and even though I still havent found “The One”… Im having so much fun going on these dates. So my simple rule to Online Dating is… Have so much fun with it.. Seriously. No expectations, no worries… Seriously just have fun and put your intentions aside and just let go of what youre looking for. Just have fun. Ive been doing that and I’m having the time of my life. I even have a work out buddy out of it.

Until next time…

[smell-like-daisiess]

A Letter To You

Its been a while since we spoke. Since you found someone to fill my side of the bed. Since you found someone to say your good nights and good mornings to. Since you found someone to rant about how hard you day was. One thing im proud to say though is how proud I am of myself. Before I get into that I just want to tell you how Ive been so you dont ever feel the need to ask. There are days when I feel like im on top of the world, when i am insanely happy and take advantage of that because you just never know. Then some days i feel so sad, but dont flatter yourself... Its not about you.. Its about me. Lately Ive been feeling not fulfilled with my purpose in this world and it stresses me out. honestly. I think as each day passes though im figuring it out. Its not often I feel depressed though. I feel so indifferent with life that im just going with the flow. I talk to whoever i want, I sleep with whoever i want. I mean all that is meaningless but i dont mind that because that just means i dont need to invest emotionally into it. But as my day goes by i realize that i never needed you. I never thought id live each day without you because i always pictured life with you. How we always talked about what we would name our kids, looking at houses and fantasizing filling it with all the love we could give. But then i realized all that was unrealistic once i figured out that you never loved me, you never pictured that for us because you wouldnt have done the things that you did. i realized how much i deserved better and realized how much of a not good person you are. I hate that shit though, i hate thinking horrible about you so i always tried to thing good thoughts about you but then i cant. All that negative shit over powers all the small good things you did. Thats the thing though... you never did anything big for me, you never cared to even love me to accept me for me. Everyday i have to erase all the bad things you said about me and how much you told me that no one is going to love me as much as you did but thats the thing... i will never find someone like you and im happy i wont. you were horrible to me. Again i hate saying that but again i will never want to be with someone like you. So as time goes on i see myself getting better and enjoying life a whole lot more. After i traveled to the UK i did not think of you at all. I didnt even think “Oh itll be nice if she was here”. No thoughts like that. As my days go by youre slowly becoming something that made me once happy but unhappy and im beginning to just love me. Thank you for being in my life for several seasons because if it wasnt for you i wouldnt know exactly what i didnt want and that would be you. Someone like you only brings misery, hate, anger, triggers and lastly sadness. For 3 years i have felt nothing but all those. Although some people would consider all that as a wasted 3 years, i consider it as a life lesson to never give my heart away to a girl who still had a broken one. To a girl that only kept me around to fill in the gaps until she got bored. Meanwhile i was picking up the pieces that you kept breaking until they were completely shattered, i had to stop trying because it was nothing but glass dust. The pieces weren’t even big enough to put together and it wasnt even my fault. I thought it would be hard, i mean ill admit it was so hard but then i realized that im okay. That this is a normal thing and im going to go through this kind of thing for the rest of my life. Whether if the relationship was bad or good. Anyways... Me being proud of myself though... its pretty obvious... the things ive gone through and the strength I had to show for not only everyone but for myself just shows. No one can take that away from me and honestly i am so excited to find my person because i know im coming from a place of love.. not having someone fill voids that i can only fill. Remember Taylor... Theres a difference with being actually happy and finding things to distract yourself... You are the queen of distracting yourself and eventually having it biting you in the ass in the long run. Thats okay though because it is no longer my problem. There are people who are not like you and i am so happy that the last 3 years did not make me have my perspective change. 

Until then. 

[smell-like-daisiess]

When you change, don’t announce it. Just bloom.

[smell-like-daisiess]

When he tries hard to be cringy but we bursted out laughing when i opened the door… 😂

[smell-like-daisiess]

If you quit telling lies about me, I wont tell the truth about u.

[smell-like-daisiess]

[smell-like-daisiess]

[smell-like-daisiess]

[smell-like-daisiess]

77/365

You know the feeling of getting out of a toxic relationship and then go to another one thinking this relationship was better than the last but then realized its just as bad? Or when you know its bad but try so hard to outweigh the good thats left until you simply just cant? Your judgement in people become super clouded and you want to see the best in people but then you slowly realize how fucked the relationship truly is and everyone around you sees it but doesnt say a single word because they know youll make your usual speech. Like “He’ll change” “But he loves me” “Hes usually not like this” “It was my fault”. Well... My friend is going through it and I cant seem to find the words to tell her to leave and to let go because I am simply no one to talk. I believe in so many people and see the good and the love they can potentially give but I end up hurting myself. I think alot of people can relate even if they dont realize it now. Which actually sucks because imagine being with someone for so long and only to realize in the end that.... it was just never love.. Maybe at first it was.. but.. After that nope. If Love ever felt like that.. and people knew do you think people would fall in love or is our minds programmed to like the impending doom thats coming? Where we like the excitement of whats coming because we know happiness isnt always that easy? I think about it more and more, realizing that maybe we are the ones who sets our self up for our failures. We manifest something that wasnt even there to begin with. But one thing I can say for sure is that i am so happy to be alone for a bit. Not having to answer to anyone, explain myself or anything that drains me altogether in a relationship. Eventually... Ill find someone who understands my needs and wants.. Who understands my Love Language.. Eventually I will but i think in the meantime im actually happy with myself and those who are here around me. My friends tell me how much happier i sound and i dont sound like im giving bad news to them everytime they ask me how i am.

I hope you guys enjoyed my post and i know its not really an update to how i am but i think i felt like i needed to share this... 

Also i wanna do a pack with me for my trip.. would you guys like to watch what ill be bringing to Scotland? 

[smell-like-daisiess]

76/365

Love… Tonight I felt Love. i haven’t felt that feeling in such a long time. Its not the Love everyone is thinking. It was the Love that I felt Like i needed to be reminded on how much I am Loved. My nephew wanted to see me today so I went to my mothers house, went shopping for my trip with him and then he wanted to go to the movies. He knows how much I love the movies, its something him and I have in common. But he knew was exhausted from my week. He knew how stressed I was so when we were half way through the movie he said “Titi lay your head on my legs, you look so tired” and so I did. Suddenly I felt his little fingers go through my hair and at that moment I felt a Love that any aunt would have. I felt like the luckiest aunt in the world. When the movie ended, we were headed to the car and he said “Titi… I know you’ve been sad lately but you need to know that I love you and the next time youre in love please let me know so I can protect you.” My eyes filled with tears and smiled so big at him and told him “and ill always protect you.” My heart felt so… full. loved. happy. I wouldnt trade that feeling for any other.

[smell-like-daisiess]

74/365

Currently I am at work.. typing this. Yeah I know. This morning threw me for a loop. I woke up with the intentions of having a smooth sailing morning but then… things took a turn BUT all about changing and evolving and growing is that you accept that… not every morning is going to be smooth like the others. So I took a deep breathe and made sure i gave myself a pep talk. I needed that.. I couldnt go to the gym before work but I plan on going after.. I noticed through out these months i lost the most unhealthy amount of weight. It wasnt good at all.. so I needed to start treating myself good and made sure i look good. So i went on a shopping spree on Shein.. YUP SHEIN LMFAO. But i did it. I bought all these clothes that i know ill look good in and complimented my semi new body. I started to dress a whole lot girlier.. my mum is like “WTF?!” She actually wanted to shop for me the other day… 😂 and just like that.. i let her. It was the most exciting thing to her. Next up my hair.. i gotta do a full foil. I am very over due. Severely. While at that i booked an appointment for a full foil and a hair cut for my scotland trip. Im excited. Super excited. My hair needs it. I need it.

What are my plans today? Well im gonna go to the gym, make my amazing smoothie and keep at it. Im on a damn roll and life is so good to me at the moment that im going to keep taking it all in.

[smell-like-daisiess]

73/365

Today was an insanely productive day which made me super happy. I woke up this morning and made sure I took a shower, did my skin care routine and looked put together for work. My boss had asked me if I could close the studio today and honestly I took that opportunity. So instead of coming home at 11 am and sleeping my life away, I decided to do some laundry, make my unfinished bed and made sure I came home seeming like my life was alittle together. On top of ALL that I got my regular phone call from my best friend (its part of our routine at this point). At this point it took me 73 days to feel THIS good about myself. I must say.. I am so proud of myself. Im not so hard on myself, im working on being the best version of myself and taking this time to enjoy my own company and my friends being by my side. Also Ive been making it a habit to take a spinning class and going to the gym to lift some weights. Honestly.. I feel like the universe has been on my side and its something Im super surprised about. I have not felt this good about myself in a while and honestly im enjoying this version of “Nathalie”. Now as for tomorrow.. I plan on doing the same thing. I plan on enjoying my day and making sure its all about me because after all… it is. Now… My trip is in 2 weeks… my anxiety is rising so high. The reason why is because I feel like I have not done anything. I have not prepped my suit case and I havent done my usual “List Of Things I Need To Bring”. Its so unlike me. I feel like Ill need to pack a week in advance but I wont do that to myself haha. As long as I come home to a tidy room, positive mind set then I know Ill be fine. I just wanted to say though.. Anyone whos been reading this and keeping track of my journey… Thank you. it means so much. I never thought I would turn to tumblr to track my journey and my healing process. Truly Im feeling like a new person each day. Im excited to see what life brings me and also this trip. I promise Ill upload all the beautiful pictures I take. Share them with you guys. Also tempted to Vlog my whole trip. Genuinely my heart is starting to feel full and happy again. Its like its beating stronger. Until the next post… love you guys sm.

[smell-like-daisiess]

Youre gonna get what youve given to me.