shewolf7t

[shewolf7t]

“Innocence is a kind of insanity”

So... What do we think this means? 

Looking forward to having a deep philosophical discussion with someone about this.

[shewolf7t]

I miss my innocence

[shewolf7t]

If there was a mirror to the soul, what would mine look like?

[shewolf7t]

Some day I want to fall in love

With a person with more flaws than perfection

With someone who doesn't have the best morals

And doesn't have the best perspective on life

I want to fall in love with someone who hates themselves for who they are

For everything that makes them, them

With the person who constantly imagines ripping her own heart out

And stabbing all the feelings away

I want to fall in love with someone who is too broken for this world

Too naive for the lust of the world

But sinful to the flesh

I want to love the villain who's in a constant fight with herself

Stuck between right and wrong but constantly finding the wrong more alluring

She finds beauty in The darkness that pulls her

Because maybe then I will fall in love with myself

[shewolf7t]

Out of the crystal pedestal

Heroes fall

It's my fault, I believed in you

You're only human, failure was guaranteed

[shewolf7t]

Kdramas and books have ruined men for me...

[shewolf7t]

Explains a lot

[shewolf7t]

I want to be free

[shewolf7t]

Ashtray 💔

[shewolf7t]

I wish I was happy...

[shewolf7t]

You know how when you were a young, you could sleep like at 5 a.m and wake up like an hour later and be okay? I tried doing that now at 26, and I've been in and out of sleep since like midnight. I want to sleep so bad and I keep making myself feel better by taking little naps then waking up, because if I'm not fully asleep then I really have been awake and it's about to be 3 a.m. I don't know why I'm doing this... I have no real reason and nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I can't just quit. I don't know why I do this

[shewolf7t]

Hear me out, I just want to rant.

I feel down, like horribly, physical chest pain, teary eyed for no reason, broken inside down. I'm not looking for comfort or empathy because a part of me feels like I don't deserve it, like I have to Woman up and get over this and just keep going but it's been so hard. I guess sometimes the loneliness is just too gut wrenching to continue... like I don't want to be with anyone, being an introvert I am comfortable in the silence but sometimes it's just too much. I wish I could take a break... leave my brain and my heart for a few minutes and maybe then find peace...

[shewolf7t]

Does that feeling ever go away?

You know, the one where you're okay for some time but out of nowhere this overwhelming sadness overcomes you. Where your chest hurts and you know it starts of as an emotional pain that slowly turns into physical discomfort so strong that all you can think about is how to stop it, or why it happens. Does it happen to everyone or is it just me...?

[shewolf7t]

Define love

[shewolf7t]

Love is tragic

[shewolf7t]

I would like to know what BTS has done for you? Since I feel like they have done a lot for me, maybe we can relate?

I am partly religious, or a very lose definition of religious, but I do believe in God and Salvation and that only God can really save my life, so if these are your beliefs as well then good, if not, please don't judge me? This will be kind of long so I apologize in advance but I am truly grateful and I want to express it.

I have always felt terrible for being different, horrible to the point where I was sad and angry at myself for not being like everyone else. I would question my life and my existence. I would often ask myself why it was that I did not fit in at school, work or even at home. My whole family is basically the complete opposite of me. They are friendly and outgoing, they share the same interests in music and movies, and they speak the same way. I don’t laugh at the things they laugh at, I don’t like the music they like, I don’t smile much and I don’t talk to people if I don’t have to. This caused a lot of problems growing up, I would always get lectured and punished for not speaking to people during family gatherings or having my earphones on while others kids were socializing.

Not long ago a coworker asked me what character or book I related to the most and at the time I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t know. The question came out of nowhere so it took me by surprise, but I pondered on it for a while and about a week after thinking, I finally came to an interesting conclusion. I relate most to *Sinclair* in *Demian* by *Hermann Hesse* (I found this book because of Blood, Sweat and Tears), you want to know why? Because of the two worlds he describes; that’s how I have felt since I was 9. Sinclair says that there was a dark world outside his house, that held evil and there was his home, which was a world that held light and goodness. Most of my life I felt like I had to divide myself, and this would break me, tear me to pieces and confuse me. At the age of 9 my parents started going to church, and during some time I was focused on God and my sight was on the Lord but after a while I fell and desired to do all the things they prohibited. Like listening to secular music, reading books I shouldn’t read, think thoughts that were wrong and slowly I began to lose myself in my wretched ways. At the age of 13, they became pastors, this was even harder on me, so after a while I began smoking, not to the point where I was an addict but still it was bad. I would sometimes drink, again, not to get drunk but just to experience life outside of the goodness. Its funny how the bad calls out to you, how the “evil” seems so attractive. After some time I was back on good terms with my faith and I left all of that, but then I fell, again. Yet, through all this time, I never fit in. During my rebellious days, I would be one person in church and at home and a totally different person in school and with my friends. What would hurt even more was that my parents would always ask me to spend more time in church and with church goers than with my school friends, they would tell me to make friends at church because in the end those would be the real friends and again I lost myself. I made a lot of mistakes, I mean A LOT. Some I know will stay with me forever and haunt me until the day I die. I have never felt understood, never felt like I could be myself and be accepted for who I am. And yes, I know my family loves me, I know they try but I know there is some contempt because I still don’t find their jokes funny or take part in their interests. Even though they love me I know sometimes, deep down they wish I was different. Sometimes I still wonder why I am so different, why I am so broken. Why can’t I accept myself? As much as it pains me to admit this, it hurts because I feel so alone. I envy people who can go out and make friends just by being themselves, because I can’t. And maybe I am meant to be alone, but I know now no matter how sad I feel, I can plug my earphones in and listen to BTS, and for that time I am accepted. Through their music I find peace and quiet, I smile, and I feel at home. I’ve never met them, I’m 100% sure if I ever saw them I would run the opposite way because I would be too shy to speak to them, but from the bottom of my heart I am grateful for their music and the message they spread. I know everybody is different, and everybody needs to find their way; maybe someday I will. But for now I am comforted knowing I can listen to them and slowly begin the process of healing, because I know someone else is also listening to their music in the same way I am: It makes me feel like I am not alone in this world.

Maybe someone needs to hear this, if not, thank you for listening. And if you need someone to talk to when you feel alone, let me know. I am willing to listen.

I purple you! 💜

[shewolf7t]

I love this song! 💜😢