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"I release myself from versions of me that I created to survive"

-Unknown

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My lens is out of focus; you're almost faded into the background. I won't adjust the lens; I snap the photo of you and whisper silently, "Goodbye."

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Life is like a game.

Which game are you playing?

Life is a ton of different games; the old-school games.

Not the games you play on your phone or games played on certain platforms such as Xbox, PS4, or Switch. You get the idea.

I’m talking about Go Fish, Yahtzee, Monopoly, Chess, Sorry, Rock’ m Sock’ m...

They even made a game called, Life.

But my life is like putting together a puzzle.

You have to figure out where each piece goes; to see if it fits.

Forcing a piece where it doesn’t belong doesn’t last; you get tossed to the side to wait your turn.

When we are young and carefree, our puzzle started out with 4, 6, and 10 pieces.

It was a little hard but as time passed the pieces just fell together. It was easy.

More time passed and more puzzle pieces were added.

But as the years go by each of us lost pieces along the way; until one day you noticed you only had one left.

With the last piece in your hand

The last thought comes to mind; where did they all go?

Where did my life go?

-RepeatedNap

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Benefits of Wabi-Sabi

It promotes simplicity and being present, enjoying the imperfections, flaws, and uniqueness — of ourselves, others, nature, and all the little details in between. Some benefits of wabi-sabi include: Promotes minimalism, discourages materialism. Greater sense of acceptance.

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While watching a movie a light shines in my peripheral. This is what I've been waiting and hoping for. A call, text, email, a knock at my door, ANYTHING. Seeing your name pop up on my screen I should have felt something but you pushed me too far. I feel nothing. I sat my phone down and pushed play. -RepeatedNap

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Who Are You

Dreams are short, just as life is. 

What if we are all living a dream?

A dream within a dream.

When we die, we wake from our sleep. 

Who do you think you’ll wake up to?

Yourself?

Who is that?

Who are you?

I am no one, yet I’m everything. 

-RepeatedNap

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TOXIC (Something I have been working on. Please feel free to comment and make any suggestions, I am new at this.)

Toxic

Intoxicated

You’re the dark that consumes all of my light.

You’re the black hole that sucks me in. 

You’re the quicksand that drags me down 

Only your darkness consumes me.

I fight, I fight, I fight!

I fight until I am spat out

Only to be devoured over and over again 

Is this game you play entertaining?

Why do you laugh?

Why do you laugh at my emotional emotions?

You find this funny 

And you won’t tell me why. 

You’ve taken advantage of me; 

I am damaged and broken; even before

But you knew this, didn’t you? 

You prey, prey on the weak

Because that’s what you are.

It makes you feel superior. 

Even though you don’t speak.

I bask in the darkness because I am weak.

Not knowing what light is, 

Unable to breathe. 

I’m stalked and preyed upon, 2020.

I’m spit out once, twice, and 18 more 

2022, 2023

I’m medicated

I never wanted to be more heavily sedated

I am a walking anxiety attack

Sedation is all I want to know

It helps with the process

The infinity loops

Lies with no alibis

Sweet nothings

And the broken promises

Being numb and weak is what I have to feel to survive coming back, back for more. 

I want to close this door. 

This door leads nowhere. 

Nowhere but the black. 

The door is always left open for me knowing I will always come back. 

To repeat and be discreet

Am I a secret?

I am unsure.

Questions 

There are always questions left ignored.

How could I be attached?

How do you consume me?

Are we the same, you and I?

His darkness matches mine.

More unanswered questions

Still, I bask in his darkness or is it ours

Sometimes there is comfort there. 

Knowing we are not alone; but together.

We are beautiful when we are near 

We show it through laughter instead of fear.

Apart are discomfort, uncertainty, and separation anxiety.

You are calm; you are the storm. 

I am the calm before the storm.

Chaos is inside

Annihilation

Calculation

Destruction

Self-Sabotage

Grabbing and pulling at one another. 

Be on your best behavior. 

There are eggshells for a reason.

This is how you please him. 

I want to break free

Free from all this sadness and despair

This misery and anger  

I’m terrified of this gnawing feeling

The feeling that I may never see the light of another

Feel the warm touch deep inside. 

Inside my heart and soul

To feel the tenderness would make me cry

If I wasn’t desensitized

He is a master 

A beautiful disaster and 

I’m beautifully broken. 

While he’s never spoken, 

He stays quiet and holds secrets that lie within.

Once again, plastered, more so than ever.

This is where the truth and the answers begin. 

He is plastered with stories left untold, 

bottled up deep inside

hiding from all his sins. 

His sins are against him; 

He opens his mouth to consume me again. 

His tongue split in two; 

Consumes me with every harsh word

He cuts me like shards from a broken beer bottle.

I turn away for a short time, and the process repeats itself

And I am stuck.

-RepeatedNap

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I don't write for you, I write for me.

This is my coping mechanism.

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You burnt us both to ash  But I rose like a Phoenix The rain batters you into the ground  As I watched you from above  You turn into a pile of sludge I turn and fly away without a sound And I never look back

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How dare you mock the people recently departed.

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Black Muddy Pit

When I think about my depression I picture myself in the bottom of a muddy hole at least 20 feet high. I’m at the bottom looking up. I climb and climb until I get tired and lay down in the mud and my own filth for days at a time. Someone in a white coat throws down a pill and a swig of water. “Here, take this and you’ll feel better.” I do. I stand at the bottom looking up. The pill has kicked in. I know it will only last a couple hours. I climb. I reach the top and look around at all the happy people going about their life. They don’t glance at me once. Too busy looking at their phones and busy trying to be noticed on any social platform. No one takes notice of how I’m covered in mud. I start to walk but the mud is so think on the bottom of my shoes I don’t get far. I’ve been standing there with a fake smile all day. Saying hello in a deadpan voice. It’s tiring and it’s too much work. The sky starts to turn black and the rain starts to fall once again. I see something black charge towards me but I can’t see who or what it is all I feel from this black presence is the pressure on my chest. I can’t breathe. Anxiety builds up. You would think I would be used to it by now. The pressure gets worse. It hurts. I turn around and see the two muddy steps I made hours ago on the ground. It’s easier going back. I make the two steps back once again. I stand on the ledge and look down, no thoughts creep up and I jump.

 I do this everyday when I wake up. I sit up in my bed and stand for a short time just to lay back down. Sometimes I will make it to the bathroom only because my stomach hurts so bad from holding it in. I don’t have a support system in my life. In my life it’s only me. No friends or family to help me. Only the pill pushers at the clinic. I’m to scared to get a job or go in public. I’m not living at all. No one understands what I’m going through. If I try to talk about it I’m disregarded and left listening to how they to are depressed and this is what they do or this is what they been through. I am an empty shell. They speak to no one. I have been battling with depression since 1998 and it’s only gotten worse. There are tears involved now along with memory loss. One of these days I feel that black hole I’m in will collapse in on me and I will see nothing but a black void. 

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“...and then, I have nature and art and poetry, and if that is not enough, what is enough?” ― Vincent Willem van Gogh

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Wedding Night

I stand there in the dark and pouring rain in my white gown banging on the window of my home. I can see my new husband sitting in the dark at the dining room table. Both hands laying flat in front of him. Staring straight ahead into nothing, his face blank with no emotion. Water drips from his hair. I start to cry, but the tears get caught up in the rain, I start to scream but he can't hear me. I pick up the rocks that lay around me and throw them at the window to get my husband's attention. Still nothing. Giving up and still crying and screaming, I walk away with my head down looking at my bare feet and the yellow paint on my toes that I had just painted that morning. As I walk to the end of our driveway, I look up and can see the lights at the end of our road, almost like a strobe light. I walk toward the lights and again I see my new husband. This time sitting at the end of the ambulance with a blanket wrapped around him. I can see him trying to catch his breath as he cries so hard. Worried, I run up to him to see what is wrong, but as I scream and run to him he starts getting further and further away. I stop running as something shiny catches my swollen, bloodshot eyes. To my left, there's glass all over the shallow ditch and in the road along with twisted metals and sunflowers scattered everywhere. Fire burning bright as it lights up in the dark night. Flares that go on for at least half a mile. I can see a woman dressed in all white. Her bare feet exposed. Her yellow nail polish on her toes that match the sunflowers that now scattered the road. Her face is beautiful but hurt. Blood from the inside of her ears rolled down her neck and into her sunflower color hair. Blood had filled her mouth and poured over. Her deep brown eyes opened but not blinking as the rain hits her face. I start to scream again but noticed I still haven't stopped. My screams were different this time. They were so loud my husband looks up. Happy for a split second with my arms wide open to get a warm embrace, he runs past me to the women in the ditch. Sitting there he props her broken body on his lap and cradles her. Looking at her beautiful face, he kisses her forehead. He then takes his hands, and he closes her eyes. My screaming finally stops, and my eyes are finally closed and I am at peace.