miles-in-words

[miles-in-words]

sweetness floods my mouth

every taste bud erupts

as I smile at the waiter

if I were a billionaire

I'd hide every cent

except from them

I'd slip them a hundred

and walk away quickly

music fills my ears

as I walk across the street

headed straight for the girl

standing on the corner

if I were a billionare

I'd hide every cent

except from them

I'd drop them a hundred

as I walk quickly past

laughter fills the air

as my friends sit around the table

if I were a billionaire

I'd hide every cent

except from them

I'd stuff a hundred in their jacket pockets

as I put them away

the wind fills the car

as they give me a ride

and polite conversation

if I were a billionaire

I'd hide every cent

except for from them

I'd hide a hundred under the seat

before getting out

and walking away

[miles-in-words]

There's an ache

somewhere deep

deep

within me

and

as I hang up the phone

I feel that

it's all

your

fault

[miles-in-words]

The Taste of Grey

Grey is filled with thousands of options

and dozens of tastes

The playful, contentedness of baby food filling an infants mouth

the acceptance, pride, power, and optimism of a fresh uniform

the interest and peace can be tasted in a misty morning

The loneliness and vulnerability in that first high school lunch

the despair and depression of tears on a suffocation-resistant bed sheet in the 'hospital'

the guilt and hurt can be tasted in the back of your throat when you're most alone

The awful repelling, taste lingers in that singular period after an anger message

the disappointing and disapproving look of your favourite teacher

The whispers of critical and distant family members

the bitter humilation after turning in a bad assignment

the frustrating and aggressive aura when your mother enters the door

the grey can be tasted in the act of being let down yet again

The rejection tastes like the grey envelope slipped under your dorm door

the grey comes in the threat, and the insecurity and the fear that comes after

the tip of your tongue tastes grey when you are feeling weak, anxious and scared

The whole of your mouth is filled with the grey of cheap mashed potatoes when truly bored

the sharp greys come when you know a busy and stressful day is coming in the morning

the hazy grey can be found in that just-woke-up taste

The taste of the showerhead when someone else comes in and locks the door behind them, startling and confusing you

the excited amazement can be tasted on the sidewalk on the way to somewhere new

But my favourite grey overall will always be

Heather Grey

[miles-in-words]

Sitting in Class

Sitting in class

I should be working on an essay

But instead I'm here

Writing something else

Because there is this feeling in my chest

that isn't going away

and usually this helps

but I can't put my finger

on what I'm feeling

Am I dreading turning in this rough draft?

Am I upset I'm paying thousands for this class

where I can't even see the board?

Am I nervous for my performance tonight?

Am I scared that the pain in my throat will grow worse?

Am I excited to see my found-family

see me sing tonight?

Am I nervous that they won't like it?

Am I pissed at the other singers in my choir

who refuse to take this seriously?

Am I angry that my found-family may

not think I'm good

because of a few college students

who take choir as an easy grade

and not because it's something they enjoy

and want to excel at?

But what can I even do to fix that?

How do I resolve this?

It's not a group project, where I can just do their parts for them

Am I wrong for resenting them?

Am I wrong for realizing I hold that anger

and still resenting them knowing I probably shouldn't?

I will feel guilty after we sing

When I tell my found-family that

"I'm not that bad on my own, I wish the rest of the group cared enough to try."

And will the family believe that?

[miles-in-words]

The Untouchable

Who dares to say i'll never reach out to You?

Who dares to say i'll never see You again?

Who dares to say i'll always be yearning?

Who dares to say i'll be stuck without You forever?

Who dares to say You'll never come back?

Who dares to say i'll be alone always?

Who dares to say i'll be thinking of you for good?

Who dares to say You'll always be in my mind

and my heart

but never in my arms?

i do, of course.

Because You are You, and i am just i

[miles-in-words]

Drinking for Despair

As I swirl the cup in my hands

the sweet smell wafts into my nose

and my mouth starts to water

my fingers begin to shake

and my knees start to buckle

I know I shouldn't

and I know I will

as I lift the cup to my lips

the smell turns bitter

and my mouth begins to gag as it touches my tongue

my fingers crush the glass

and my knees give out

I knew I shouldn't have

But I knew I would

[miles-in-words]

Relax and Enjoy

Taking another hit

Gagging down another cap

Swallowing another pill

Inhaling another line

and smiling once again

Taking a deep breath

Gagging on my own laughter

Swallowing your giggles

Inhaling one another's breath

And smiling once again

[miles-in-words]

Pavement

There's a song that I absolutely love

with pavement being the main metaphor

For how long he'll be there for his muse

and how steady he'll be for them

And I used to think the same

Walking to and from school when I was young

Looking down at the pavement as I was walking

on pavement that was strong and steady

No matter what was going on at home

Or at school,

the miles of pavement between was always the same

As I walk down the same stretch of bike path

beside the river that has now gone dry

and the weeds between it and I

I look down

and see the cracks emerging

the dandelions unfurling in them

I look down into myself as well

and see all the cracks in my own veins

and stretching on my skin

the bruises on my bones

I look back to the pavement as a bike rides past me

bumping and slow

unlike the speed and legato riders

who used to zoom past

And now I'm not so sure of the singer's lyrics

until I see

the ants using the shattered pavement

as their own complicated and jangled sidewalks

compared to the singular crevices

between the squares that used to be their only paths

[miles-in-words]

A quick apology

Sorry, for some reason my queue got fucked up. I'll be working on fixing it. Posts may be spotty until I figure out what went wrong.

[miles-in-words]

Goodbye

What's the good in saying goodbye

When you aren't actually leaving

You're still going to be here

stuck in my heart

and mind

against my own will

Everyone who has left me

is still there

forgiven or not

you have your own personal

wrinkle in my brain

and chip in my heart

[miles-in-words]

Asking for help

Being raised self-sufficient

has it's downsides

Asking for help

feels like defeat

It feels degrading

It makes the brain

anxious

and angry

screaming things

in it's quiet voice

[miles-in-words]

miles-in-words

As I find poems that I've written in the past

Or write new ones

I will be putting them on here

As a way of grieving my life

or who I used to be

I'm not sure

They're not chronological, obviously

I'm open to questions, comments, reblogs

Maybe I'll reach someone with

similar experiences

Please keep in mind that some of these were

written as young as 8 years old

Or at least that's the oldest I've found so far

[miles-in-words]

Disinfecting Wipes

Mania again

go go go

do something useful

make others proud

or happy

of course, it's never something

that actually matters all that much

but to the chemical laden brain

that doesn't matter

what matters is the smell

of the disinfecting wipes

taking the brain back

to all those clean houses

filled with happy people

and how their bathrooms always smelled

like disinfecting wipes

and even if you don't realize it

that is what your brain is thinking of

[miles-in-words]

A snapshot of you

Tattoos can mean so much someone

and not just in the ways most think

Yes, some can represent

dead loved ones

and meaningful subjects

But there can be so much more

Even if to others

your new tattoo

doesn't have a meaning

because it doesn't relate to something

they deem important

That doesn't mean it doesn't have meaning

It could mean many things

It could represent what you liked when you got it

It could represent your mind set when you got it

It could represent your love for the artist

It could represent a snapshot

of you

[miles-in-words]

Video Games

Now, I don't play video games

not often

I like mobile games sometimes

just not console

My hands rarely feel good on the controller

and idle noises like footsteps or items clicking into place

can sometimes hurt my ears

I can't aim worth a shit

and I don't like the idea of spending hundreds of hours

working towards an ending

But

I'll do it with others sometimes

I usually quit in frustration

But sitting with someone

trying to explain that I'm really bad and I'm sorry

is way better than trying on my own

I don't think I'll ever complete most console games

But I will absolutely start a new game

with someone

just to see and hear

how someone who is good reacts to me

being very not good

I find it is a very effective way

to see the personality of someone

If I immediately frustrate them because I can't look

at mini maps and the sword I'm holding at the same time

then they're probably not someone I wanna see more

But if they laugh and try to direct me in the right way

Or just enjoy watching me wander and play around

I find I enjoy those moments

And that they will accept my shortcomings

A little bit easier

[miles-in-words]

Stuck again

I don't know why I'm like this

I'm not even feeling down

I don't feel as bad as I used to

and yet

here I am

sitting in bed

curled up

instead of in class where I should be

I just can't seem to make myself leave the room

Why am I here?

Why am I not in class right now?

Why couldn't I just get up and walk to class?

Am I just being lazy?

I don't think so

I want to go to class

and

I know I should be there

But I just can't get up

[miles-in-words]

Daisies

My general aesthetic

for several years now

has been alt. goth, e-boy/girl stuff.

Probably since middle school, about 5th grade.

But for the last several years

I've learned that I don't hate pink

and girly things as much as I used to

I was simply trying to escape

the cis-girl expectations surrounding me.

I have been desperately trying

to incorporate cute, sexy things into my style

But I've spent so long in blacks and reds and purples

That I have reached several walls in my journey

to remember that just because

I'm not a cis-girl

doesn't mean I can't be girly too

Along with my ongoing alt style

I can't look in the mirror wearing something

low cut or short or pastel

and think I look good

Just because I'm so used to seeing myself

wearing the opposite

Logically, I know I still look okay

But my brain isn't used to it

On top of this

is my crumbling finances

I am one of the youths who get

everything from gifts and hand-me-downs

And I still love every shirt and battle-jacket

that I receive

But one day, I want someone to gift me

A skirt with daisies

A sun dress covered in daisies

A daisy, to be tucked behind my ear

A hair tie with a daisy dangle

A daisy tongue ring

A daisy patch for my jacket

Because I've always loved daisies

But I struggle to express

And people struggle to accept

That I can love dying my hair

Getting piercings

Getting tattoos

Giving tattoos

Doing shrooms

Binding my chest

Wearing chains

Decorating my hand-me-down battle jacket

And also, desperately want to be handed a daisy