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i-live-in-spite · 3 months ago

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You're just as smart as me

Summary: Reader is failing math and Spencer tries to make them happy

Pairing: Spencer x gn! reader

Genre: sad with fluff

Tw/Cw: Reader is in college but Spencer and reader are similar ages, self deprivation to the max, crying, Spencer fearing he's not good enough, Reader feeling like they're not good enough,

Word Count: 1.1k

I couldn’t stop the stinging in my eyes, I wasn’t too bad at math but my grades are slipping too close to D territory. The tears started to fall before I could stop them, gods I’m so stupid. Why can't this just click for me, why am I so stupid?

I almost didn’t feel the hand on my shoulder, when I looked up I wasn’t surprised to see Spencer. He’s my boyfriend and he had a key, fuck why did I give him a key?

“My love? What happened? Did something happen to your brother?” I shake my head, unable to find the words to tell him. “What about at school, did something happen in one of your classes?” Though dating a profiler I’m not surprised he found the words himself, though, I’m sure it didn’t take a profiler to go down the list of problems I could have.

I start to pull away and he lets go of my shoulders but kneels in front of my face, “Darling please at least let me know what’s on that pretty mind of yours?” I couldn’t help but cry more, he thinks I’m so smart but I’m struggling in remedial math.

I stop hearing Spencer worries as I cry and cry into my hands. I don’t know how long I was crying or when Spencer had laid me back onto the bed but when I was finally out of tears Spencer had my head in his lap, laying on my favorite pillow. His delicate fingers running through my hair as he rambles about the book series we were reading together.

“There’s my love.. How are you feeling? Tired? Maybe hungry?” I could tell he was a little unsure what to do, I was always the one who had my emotions in check better.

“I..” I rolled to lay on my back and to look up at him, his eyes were unsure but had streaks of worry filling that beautiful hazel. “Can I go shower?”

“Yes yes of course, do you want me to join you? I can read to you?” Every fiber in my being wanted him close but I couldn’t let him close. I merely just shrug and I see some of the life leave him, he’s so worried. So worried over stupid me, who couldn’t get simple math problems down.

“I don’t..know.” His hands continue to work through my hair. I can tell he’s disappointed, once every few weeks we would sit in the tub together and take turns reading chapters.

“You’ll call me if something happens right? If you need me? Right?” He has a subtle whine, it didn’t take a genius to know Spencer was craving to be the rock I needed.

I caress his face, my hands afraid to break the crystal of his beautiful features, “Of course baby.. Of course”

“Can I run the bath for you?” I couldn’t stop the little sigh from my lips but I nod and he hurries to the bathroom. I looked through my drawers to find an outfit but nothing felt right, I grabbed a pair of loose shorts and felt them. I could feel my eyes start to water again, why couldn’t I do anything right?

Why does nothing feel right, I couldn’t help the thoughts from flooding again. I snap out of it when Spencer opens the bathroom door.

“Hey hunny, the bath is ready. I can grab your clothes?” He eyes the shorts in my hands before going into his closet and finding a Tech sweatshirt. “Here, you can wear this? I wore to sleep on the last case, so it should smell like me? And..maybe the hotel?” I couldn’t help but chuckle but feel grateful for the sweatshirt.

“Of course I want the sweatshirt, it’s mine after all.” He chuckles at my little comment and hands it over. I feel the fabric before folding it nicely into a pile with my shorts and undergarments. “I’m gonna go soak for a little bit, okay?” Spencer nods and slowly holds my cheek.

“Please if you need me call me into the room, I’ll order some take out. I’m thinking chinese?”

“Oh please Spence, you can’t use chopsticks.” He shakes his head and his hands wrap around my hips gently.

“No but I know for you a good egg roll makes you such a happy royal, I see your little happy dances when you get your fried rice.” I give him a shy smile and just give in. “You want your usual lovely?” I nod and Spencer gives me a soft kiss to my forehead before I walk into the bathroom.

—-----

After the bath I walk into the living room and see a small nest of pillows and blankets in the middle of the room.

“I tried to find the softest blankets for you my love, I hope it makes you happy.” I turn to the man who could see into my darkest pit and still find the love to order food, to make nice spots for just us. I wrap my arms around his neck and his arms wrap tightly around me. “I love you so much, I don’t fully know what happened. I don’t fully need to know but I need you to know that no matter what I am here for you. I will always be here for you.” As I nod Spencer leads me to the nest of blankets.

We cuddled together and ate away at our food, before I knew it the clock read 3:30 am. “I have a D- in math.. I just don't understand what he’s talking about.” Spencer looks at me surprised.

“Why didn’t you come to me sooner? Baby you know I wouldn’t mind helping you, I love helping you.” I look down feeling ashamed and the guilt rush to my face. “Hey baby..you don’t have to feel bad. Tonight we can cuddle and then tomorrow I’ll take a look at the class and see how I can help you?”

“You’re too perfect Spencer. I feel so..” He grabs my face with a little bit more force than I think he was expecting.

“Don't you dare say you feel small, don’t say you’re dumb. I might be good with math but history is your specialty.”

“But you also-”

His voice turns a little stern, “I know so much because of you and my mom. I like history, sure but there’s too much guessing in some stories that I just don’t always find enjoyable. Your eyes light up the town when you get to talk about history, I could never have that reaction. We may have different niches in our type of smarts but you will always be just as smart as me.” I nod and he holds me tighter. “You could never ever change my mind on this. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, I love you so much.” He plays with my hair and I fall asleep to the song of his praise.

---

I know it's late @spencerreidsreads but my laptop died

#spencer reid #criminal minds #gaslight gatekeep girlboss #i wish i could make him a dad #wish i could make him a father #self indulgent #self degradation

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pigeonwhumps · 2 years ago

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Cookies and sweaters

Finding Safety masterlist

Taglist: @littlespacecastle @whumpymirages @flowersarefreetherapy

Aaliyah and Cass, along with the other rescues in Sandy's safehouse, bake cookies for the Christmas tree and get presents.

Set on their first Christmas Eve in the safehouse, a few weeks after their arrival there.

CWs: BBU, pet whump, recovery whump, implied past non-con, briefly mentioned past minor whump, past dehumanisation, past degradation, self degradation

The key turns in the lock as they're kneading the dough, and it feels like time stops in the little, too-messy kitchen.

Aaliyah freezes, heart pounding, hands holding the cookie dough. Tom, little Tom who makes her head hurt, crawls under the kitchen counter, arms around his legs. And Letitia scurries to greet whoever's entering (please let it be Mx Sandy and Cass and Xiu back from shopping, please don't let Mr Jacob have forgotten something, he's supposed to be away from here for Christmas, please, please).

"Welcome home, Mx Sandy."

"Thank you, Tish. How's the morning been?"

"Good, Mx Sandy. We started making the cookies for the tree and, and Tom's made a calendar."

"That's great, honey. Do you want to show me?"

"Yes, mx."

Aaliyah stands up straighter, dropping the dough. It's far too messy in here, she really hopes Mx Sandy doesn't punish them for it, or at least that she only punishes her, please, please. Tom and Letitia don't deserve to be punished. People never like mess, it's far too much to hope she won't be punished at all.

Mx Sandy enters the room, followed by Letitia nervously, then Cass and Xiu, both carrying bags which they set down in the corner before washing their hands.

A tiny bit of Aaliyah unclenches. It's Cass. Cass is safe. He's safe he's safe he's safe. His eyes immediately lock onto her and he limps over, standing beside her. She finds his hand and squeezes it.

"Let's have a look at this dough then," says Mx Sandy, and Aaliyah steps aside, in front of Tom's table. She has to hide him, has to get Mx Sandy to punish her, not him. He's so little.

Mx Sandy looks in the bowl. "What flavour did you use? Orange zest, right?"

"Yes, mx," says Letitia. "Is it, is it okay?"

Mx Sandy beams at them. "It's perfect. It's alright, Aaliyah, you won't be punished. Or you, Tommy, you can come out from under there if you like."

Tom crawls out and stands slightly behind Aaliyah, clutching the hem of her oversized top. "You, you promise?"

"I do. There's nothing wrong with making a mess here."

Tom nods. "I, I know. I, I'm sorry, I forgot, with, with the white rooms and the, the white walls, I, I forgot, I forget, I can't–"

Aaliyah turns and wraps the boy in her arms. He's so young, so small. An adult now, Mx Sandy thinks, but he wasn't when he came here, apparently. He makes her head hurt but she can't not comfort him.

"That's okay, honey," murmurs Mx Sandy, "we're here to remind you. Does anyone want to start rolling out the dough?"

"I will," replies Xiu softly.

"Good girl. Tom, want to show me your calendar?"

Tom nods and peels himself away from Aaliyah, wringing his hands. He has a smudge of cookie dough on his glasses, and he swipes at it as he crosses the room and picks the decorated paper plate up from the table, a mini tear-off calendar stapled underneath. He's drawn a jungle scene, of course.

"That's excellent, honey."

Tom beams. "Thank you."

"You should all choose a cutter for your cookie. Cass, Aaliyah, Xiu, have you ever made tree cookies before?"

Cass doesn't respond at all, and Aaliyah shakes her head (she's never done any baking, Master didn't buy her for that, and he wouldn't have let her touch his food anyway. She refuses to think about the bake-at-home dog biscuits she was made to prepare for Cass one time). Xiu says, "No, Sandy. I did cooking and baking for my Sir but not these."

"Okay. That's okay. I'll show you how to make them. Or Tish can, if you'd like, Tish? You're an expert by now."

Letitia looks away shyly and nods.

"Excellent. I'm going to put away the groceries."

Aaliyah frowns. Isn't that a pet's job? She can't say anything though, and she watches as Mx Sandy opens the fridge and starts piling food in out of the bags. Xie've even bought some of those stringy cheese sticks she likes so much.

Aaliyah really doesn't understand why xie're so nice.

Letitia picks up a tree-shaped cookie cutter and lays it on the flat dough. "You take the cutter and, and press it down on the dough until it goes all the way through. Then you poke a hole in the top and, and put the cookie on the tray." She demonstrates, placing the tree-shaped cookie on a greased baking tray. "See? Now you can do it."

Tom bounds forward to pick a giraffe cutter, and Letitia smiles fondly at him, stepping back so he and Xiu can make their cookies (Xiu's picked a little cat. It's cute). Cass lets go of Aaliyah's hand but doesn't move himself. Aaliyah steps forward to choose hers. Maybe if she does, Cass will follow.

There's a lot of cookie cutters on the table and Aaliyah blinks, overwhelmed by all the choice. There's so many, how can she choose? She shouldn't be choosing anyway, that's a people thing, it's for her Master to do.

But he's not here anymore.

Someone's tapping her on the hand and she turns to see Tom bobbing up and down beside her.

"You, you having trouble deciding?" Aaliyah nods. "Do, do you want some help?" She nods again, and Tom looks over the cutters thoughtfully, choosing a moon and holding it out to her. "If, if you like."

Aaliyah smiles and nods gratefully, taking it in both hands. She heads over to where Xiu is carefully pressing her cat into the dough. Xiu glances up at her.

"Do you think we're doing this right?" she asks softly.

Aaliyah hesitates and then nods. It looks like how Letitia did it anyway, so it's probably okay, right?

"Good. I wouldn't like to make a mistake. That would be bad."

Xiu's designation is, was, partly Domestic, and Aaliyah wonders if her Sir was a perfectionist, the way she's so careful with everything. Careful movements, careful chores, careful cookie cutting. Aaliyah steps up next to her and cuts her own cookie, making a hole at the top of the moon with the end of a teaspoon. She transfers it to the tray beside Tom's giraffe.

"You can cut some small ones to eat too in a minute," says Mx Sandy, passing by to put a jar of peanut butter in the cupboard. "They won't need holes. Let me check we have all the tree cookies first."

Mx Sandy crosses to the tray with a smile, ruffling Tom's hair on the way. He beams.

"We're one cookie short," says Mx Sandy after a quick count. "I know which one is yours Tom, Letitia... Xiu, Cass, Aaliyah? One of you? You don't have to make one if you don't want to, but it's a nice tradition."

"Dirty mutts don't touch things used for people food, mx," says Cass roughly, hunching his shoulders.

"You're not a dirty mutt, Cass," says Mx Sandy firmly, "and you eat food made here normally, what's the difference with these?"

"That's made for me, mx. I do not, um, dirty anything meant for people. But I might touch the dough making a cookie and dirty mutts shouldn't do that. Not if people will use it too. Begging your pardon, mx."

Mx Sandy bites xir lip. Aaliyah shuffles closer to Cass and puts her arm around him. He has to make a cookie for the tree!

"Okay. Okay, Cass, we'll work on dissuading you of the dirty mutt thing later, because you're not one but I can't see a way to persuade you of that right now. For now, just know that you're allowed to touch things. You can make yourself a cookie, Cass, that's allowed. Why don't you choose a cutter?"

Cass looks down at Aaliyah, who nods. Mx Sandy said he can make a cookie, so he should make one!

Warily, he approaches the cutters spread out on the table and looks them over. He picks out a star gingerly with two fingers and holds it up.

"That's good. Cut some smaller ones too, if you like, so we can eat them."

"You're, um, sure, mx?"

"Yes. Go on, before Tom uses all the dough."

Tom looks up from his mini jungle of cookies, turning bright red. "Oh, I'm, I'm sorry, Sandy."

"It's fine, honey. You carry on. There's still enough dough for Cass."

Cass cuts his cookie and places it on the tray, and by silent agreement the others stay back, letting Cass and Tom cut the small cookies. Once they're done, Mx Sandy puts the tray in the oven.

"And now we wait. We have some presents to give you all. They're nothing bad, all good things. I hope you'll like them. But first, shall we put some music on? Any preferences?"

Cass shifts awkwardly and glances at Aaliyah. "Please can we have, um, no Christmas songs, mx?"

Aaliyah shudders at the memory of Christmas Day fights and Christmas songs playing as Master... well. No, no Christmas songs.

"Of course. Tish isn't fond of them either."

"Carols specifically," says Letitia, folding against Mx Sandy's side. "Too long in my box under a Christmas tree."

Mx Sandy presses a kiss to her forehead and murmurs something Aaliyah can just hear.

"I'm sorry, honey."

"Was your parents, not you," Letitia mutters shakily back.

"But still, if it wasn't for me–"

"–I might have gone to someone who wasn't, wasn't as kind," finishes Letitia firmly. Mx Sandy pulls her into a proper hug.

Cass exchanges a look with Xiu and squeezes Aaliyah before stepping away, Cass pulling what Aaliyah thinks might be clothes out of a shopping bag while Xiu piles them neatly.

If they're the presents... if Cass helped choose them... maybe they're not too bad.

Mx Sandy steps away from Letitia and takes a shaky breath. "Okay. Okay, right. Thank you, Cass, Xiu. I'll put on the mixed playlist we made earlier in the year, yeah? Aaliyah, Cass, we'll add some songs you like to that soon." Xie fiddles with something on xir phone and a country song starts playing out of the speaker. "So. Presents. You can all sit down if you like, you don't need to stand around."

Aaliyah, Cass and Xiu sit down, Cass slumping over slightly with a wince. His leg must be bad if he's visibly wincing, and Aaliyah leans against him, trying to share her body heat. Letitia frowns at him and crosses to the microwave, putting a reusable heating pad in.

"You sit down too, Tish, I'll do that," says Mx Sandy, and Letitia nods, taking a seat beside Xiu. Tom leans against the side, feet tapping away.

"Is, is it okay if I don't sit, Sandy?" he asks nervously, and xie nods.

"Sure. It always is. Here you go, Cass." Xie hands Cass the heating pad wrapped in a Christmas tea towel, and he presses it to his thigh.

"Thank you, mx."

"No problem Cass. You can use them when you like, you don't have to wait."

"Yes, mx."

Aaliyah squeezes his hand. She knows he hates asking for things, hates the feeling that doing so makes him weak. Master used to laugh at him and call him a 'bad, weak mutt' when he couldn't walk properly, and she knows he's scared of that, too.

"Aaliyah, yours is on top, you okay having it first?" She nods, insides twisting with nerves, and Mx Sandy passes her a bundle of fabric. She unfolds it, grateful at least that it's not wrapped.

It's a sweater. A Christmas sweater, like she's seen some spectators at Cass' fights wear. She banishes those memories from her mind.

It's... strange. This sweater clearly isn't meant to show her off. She pulls it on and it's just... warm. Baggy, oversized, and she pulls the wool over her hands, curling into it. It's dark blue with snowflakes and a large reindeer in the middle.

She loves it. She smiles widely and bows her thanks.

"You're welcome, honey. Cass chose it."

Aaliyah turns to Cass and gives him a hug.

"That's a white-tailed deer," says Xiu suddenly, and Aaliyah turns to her as she claps a hand to her head. "I don't know where that came from, my apologies."

Aaliyah shakes her head. She doesn't mind. It's another piece of Xiu, before... before.

"It's fine," says Mx Sandy concernedly, "do you want some painkillers for your head?"

"No, thank you, Sandy."

"Okay. Do you want to tell us about the deer?"

Xiu nods. "On Aaliyah's sweater, it's a white-tailed deer, not a reindeer. Reindeer are shaggier. I don't know how I know that though."

"Because whoever you were before WRU did. Don't pressure yourself, more memories might come back if you wait." Xiu nods. "Okay, Tommy, you're next."

Tom takes his bundle of fabric and unfolds it. He makes a small sound of delight and throws it over his head, grinning.

His sweater is more of a sweatshirt, with a racoon in Christmas lights and a Santa hat, surrounded by a knit pattern.

"Thank you thank you thank you!"

"I thought a fleecy sweatshirt would be better for you," says Cass, "I know you cannot stand wool on you."

Tom beams.

The rest are all knitted. Xiu has a pattern of penguins on blue, and Mx Sandy has a green sweater that looks like a Christmas tree that makes Letitia burst into giggles. Xiu flushes proudly at the reaction. Letitia herself has a bright red knit with a llama on, and Cass has a dark blue sweater with dancing Santa Clauses on that he puts on carefully, almost disbelievingly, wrapping the wool around his hands.

"Thank you. It is the warmest thing I have had of my own in a long time." He makes a choked sound somewhere between a sob and a comment, and Aaliyah wraps her arms around him before he can make a comment about mutts not getting proper clothes – not that she knows he will, but Master used to say that a lot.

He feels soft in this jumper.

Mx Sandy smiles around at them all. "I'm glad you like your presents. And thank you so much for mine."

"You paid," objects Xiu.

"Still. It's from you and Cass." Cass smiles slightly. "D'you want to decorate your cookies now? I'll get out the writing icing and sprinkles."

"May I make white icing?" asks Xiu.

"Go ahead."

Aaliyah watches as Xiu makes white icing and Mx Sandy fetches the rest of the cookie decorations. There's different colours of writing icing and lots of sprinkles and all sorts, and she feels that twisty, nervous feeling in her chest again.

"Just decorate it how you like. There's no wrong answer."

She swallows and nods, reaching for a tube of yellow writing icing. Carefully, making sure the line doesn't wiggle too much, she outlines the edge of the cookie. Then she uses some of Xiu's white icing to stick multicoloured sprinkles down the centre. She doesn't know how she remembers how to do this, and she's not going to think about it or it'll hurt her head. She looks to Mx Sandy for approval.

"That's very good. Do you like it?" She nods. "Then I like it. Once the icing's set you can thread some of this ribbon through the hole."

Mx Sandy passes her the green ribbon and some scissors, and Aaliyah cuts a length, then runs it through the cookie, looking at Mx Sandy's one from last year as a reference as she ties the ribbon.

She looks around at everyone else. She's ahead. Is that okay? Finishing first has always been a bad thing in the past, but this isn't that, is it, so maybe, maybe it's not too bad? Cass squeezes her shoulder.

His star is more complicated than hers, with a little face in the centre, and he's struggling a little to tie the ribbon. Not being allowed to use his hands for much other than fighting for a couple of years didn't really lend itself to being able to do complicated motions easily, she supposes.

She taps him on the arm and when he looks at her, gestures, "You want help?"

"Mutts don't–" Aaliyah cuts him off with a firm swiping movement with both hands, creating a cross. No, no, not that, Master's not here, he's not a mutt. "Yes. Yes, thank you, Aaliyah."

She smiles and takes the ribbon, tying it carefully in a loop. Cass puts his arm around her.

"Happy Christmas."

Aaliyah leans against him contentedly. Yes, yes it is. It might not quite be Christmas Day yet, but for once, for the first time, this is a happy Christmas. She realises, quite suddenly, that although she was created for Master, and she was mostly okay there, she was never actually happy. Not like she is now. She tries not to feel guilty about it, because surely she should be happiest with her Master?

But she wasn't.

A tear drips down her cheek.

Where she's happiest is right here, with Cass and everyone else. Especially Cass. He– he should have more than being treated like a fighting dog, and now he does.

Master took her and Cass on a walk, once, when the truck broke down and they needed to get to and from the Christmas Day fights. Aaliyah had been holding Cass up as he limped, bleeding, and as she'd looked in the windows of the houses they'd passed, all yellow and bright and warm-looking and full of people laughing and smiling nicely, she'd wished, briefly, that she was safe and warm and loved like that. It had been wrong to think, of course, so so wrong, but...

But, now she is. Now she gets to have that. She wipes her cheek and smiles at Cass, tapping the morse code message Letitia taught them on the tabletop.

Happy Christmas.

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