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[lyasmin-blog1]

Spoonie SOS

Hey there!

Does anyone out there in this universe have Vertigo?? If you don’t know what that is, you probably don’t have it (chances are) or maybe you do have it but you just haven’t been diagnosed yet. For those who do have it, how do you deal with it?? How do you cope with it?? I have been dealing with it for over a year now and I still can’t figure out how to deal with it. I can’t figure out what to do when I am getting those dizzy spells. I have been dizzy since yesterday, though I must say that yesterday was far worse than how I am feeling today. I am still dizzy but not nearly as much as I was yesterday. Yesterday I couldn’t even stand up without support from my fiancee. 

Its days like this when I feel the most broken and useless. I feel as though I just can’t get my life together. I hate the feeling that I am constantly moving even when I am not even moving at all. Thank goodness for Groot though because he picks up on these things before I even do. I will admit though that yesterday I completely ignored him and went out anyway even though I knew I should’ve stood home and ended up almost collapsing anyway. So yesterday I really only have my own self to blame. I just don’t know how to make myself feel grounded (literally). I don’t know what to do.

Anyone have any suggestions? Please help a spoonie girl out!

Thats all folks!

[lyasmin-blog1]

Hey there! So yesterday I experienced a few things that made me realize just how uneducated most people are about certain things. Yesterday I went to a theme park with Baby Groot. - for those of you who don’t know who Baby Groot is, he is a service puppy that I am training to become a medical alert service dog. I am training him the basics such as sitting down, laying down, retrieving items, walking on certain sides of me, etc. Along with all of that, he will learn how to alert to anxiety, migraines, ptsd, vertigo, and seizures. Yesterday was my first time in a theme park alone with him. Last time I went with a group of people. But this time I was all alone. I would be lying if I said I didn’t freak out. (But who am I kidding, any kind of huge crowd is a sure way to instantly set me off)

Anyway, I went to go watch a musical show that I have been wanting to see for the longest time!! As I was walking into the theater, I notice these two workers staring at me and whispering to themselves. They don’t know it, but I am actually an amazing lip reader. They were speaking amongst themselves about me and about Baby Groot. They kept staring at me and then talking to each other. They said that it was ridiculous that I would bring a fake service dog into the park, let a lone in a stroller. The one girl continued to roll her eyes and her head and says “Oh the world we live in today”. - Now, typically I would have no problem going right up to a person and correcting them and telling them exactly what the service dog does and would explain why he is even in a stroller. But I didn’t say anything. I just smiled at them as they stared me down as I walked passed them. It then made me realize just how uneducated most people are about Service Dogs.

First and foremost I would like to state the reason why Groot was in a stroller. He was in a stroller because he is just a puppy. Yes, even Service Dogs in Training can have the same rights as a trained service dog. A puppy is just like a baby. A baby can only walk (if they even can walk) for a little bit of time and then their little legs can’t walk any longer so they go in the stroller. Well, this is the same concept with a puppy. Little baby groot can only walk around for so long before he is wiped out tired! So I keep him in his stroller and he will continue to travel around with me in his stroller until he is bigger!

As far as the “fake service dog” remark goes, well....thats self explainitory. Baby Groot is NOT  a fake service dog. I know there are people out there who unfortunately bring their pets into parks and try to play them off as service dogs, but the truth is Groot is not one of them! Groot can already perform several tasks that I ask of him to perform. He is even alerting to my migraines and anxiety attacks already! He may just be 3 months old, but he is so so so smart and he picks up and learns things so quickly! He is like a little puppy genius! - but back to my point. If you see a dog in a stroller, I encourage you to NOT assume that it is a fake service dog. I know there are people out there who unfortunately make it difficult for people who actually do have a trained service dog, but even if it is in a stroller, it could very well be a real service dog. And truthfully, who are YOU to even judge what is right and what is wrong? Just because you don’t like something, does not mean you need to get the whole entire world involved......I know...that was a bit dramatic, but it is what it is. Oh and before I forget, AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL IS NOT A SERVICE ANIMAL!!!! I REPEAT, AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL IS NOT A SERVICE ANIMAL!!!! If the dog cannot perform the tasks being asked of them, then chances are that they are a fake service dog. It is so sad and disappointing how many people try to pass their dog off as a service dog. I don’t understand why you would even do that. If you are unsure about the dog, you can always ask the owner what tasks your service dog can perform. There is nothing wrong with that!

Another thing that irritates me and I wish people wouldn’t do this but I am humans will be humans. I wish people wouldn’t point me out (or really point the dog out_ like it is an attraction. It is NOT an attraction in the least bit and it most certainly never will ever be, ever!) Even though a dog may not look (to you) like it is working,, I can promise you that the dog is. A thing I was doing yesterday was showing people (and pointing out) when Baby Groot would get really relaxed and calm, I explained to them that it was because I was on edge thinking about the crowd that I was about to walk head first into. People were blown away by that. And did you know that just about all and every dog can make an alert?! It is just that most people don’t really pick up or answer like you would hope they would. Most people accidentally train their dogs NOT to alert. Though that may be unfortunate, that is just what happens and I truthfully encourage you to listen to your dog when they start acting up.

Anway, I’m due up for a nap. Groot is alerting me to let me know that I need to sleep off this dizziness. Until next time, that’s all folks!

[lyasmin-blog1]

The Aftermath

Hey there! I am starting this blog off on a negative note. I am exhausted. I am drained. Both mentally and physically. Today wasn’t the worst day, it was quite fun actually. But, it was tough. I was anxious about 95% of the day today. I cried. I shook. I was on edge all day long and would snap so easily. I even had words with another person because he just really ticked me off and I was on edge so I snapped. I’m sure you are wondering what the hell I was doing all day that made me feel this way. I was at a place where none of this should happen. I was at a place where I should have been smiling all day long. I shouldn’t have cried. I shouldn’t have snapped at people all day long. But the truth is I was. My day today was spent at Universal Studios.

Today was just another reminder of how frustrated and upset I am at myself for being this way. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want this. I just want to be like a normal human and just fucking be able to go to a damn theme park without having an anxiety attack. - Let me refrain myself right there because I know I should not be thinking this way. I know theme parks are crowded, its inevitable. I should be doing the things my doctor tells me to do in order to keep myself calm and to not freak out the whole time I am outside. I should be able to enjoy myself in a theme park. But I cannot express to you how much harder it is for me to do that. It is so much easier said than done, trust me. Now of course, it may be hard for you to understand this feeling and emotions if you have never really gone through it yourself. But, try to understand that I want more than anything to be able to go out into a crowded place and not freak out about it.

What frustrates me even more is that it effects people around me. Because every few minutes or even every few steps, I need to find a secluded place and just sit down for a little while to at least allow my chest to loosen up a bit. (My chest was tight and tense all day long. I can’t begin to describe how annoying that is to deal with) It just flat out sucks and I hope that some day the number of people who feel the same way decreases. I still have yet to figure out why crowds trigger me off so badly but they do and I wish they wouldn’t. I wish I could go back to the days when I didn’t have to mentally prepare myself just to walk outside of my house. - The plus side though is that not all of my days are bad and that is good.

You know, I was asked not to long ago why I even go to theme parks if my anxiety is so bad that it has caused me to no longer be in crowded places. And truthfully, its not something that I just decided to do one day. But, I continue to go to the theme parks because I am going to continue to fight. I will so not let me anxiety control my life even though that is EXACTLY what it does for almost my whole life. But I know I can beat this. I know that I am stronger than my thoughts and can make it through. 

I ENCOURAGE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU READING THIS TO DO THE SAME!!!! DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR FIGHT!!! YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS AND WILL LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ANXIETY!!!!

After a full day of consistent anxiety, let me explain what happens afterwards when I get home. I typically won’t eat for the rest of the day. - I only had an egg sandwich this morning and an ice cream cone in the early evening. But because I was just freaking out and just flat out out of it the whole day, it caused me to completely loose my appetite. I have a slight migraine, not a really bad one, but just enough to know that its there way in the back of my temples. My body is tired. Yes, I know already what you are thinking. You are thinking to yourself that of course I am tired because I was at a theme park all day long walking around in the Florida heat. Though that may had a small part to play in this situation, the real reason why my body is so physically exhausted is because of how much my mind was just speeding through every thought I could possibly think of without even taking a moment to breathe. That alone drained me. The human mind is just as much of a muscle as any other part or your body. And that too can physically drain your body out. I’m not longer shaking which is a plus!! But I know that I am going to fall asleep very early tonight because I am so drained. I need my body to rest. It needs to recharge.

The best way that I can describe my exhaustion and how my mind creates this is this.....when you have a puppy that is just a couple months old, and you teach them how to swim, they are going to get tired after the first couple of times you have them swimming into the water. That is because they are using muscles that they’ve never really used much before so they get drained out so easily. That is the best comparison I can give you and I hope you all can understand what I mean by saying this. I already know that I am going to have the spend my entire day tomorrow in bed. My body just needs a recharge.

Even though I get super embarrassed by all of this, I remind myself that it is perfectly okay to feel this way. There is nothing wrong with stopping to sit every few minutes just so you can take a breather or two or three. I have to remember that it is okay to feel as exhausted and drained as I do because at the end of the day I am still here and I am still alive and that alone is one of the most important things of this world. That we are alive. If you open your eyes in the morning then it is already a good day! It is totally fine to take time for YOURSELF so that YOU can recharge and get back into the swing of things! - THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF IS TO TRY IT OUT BECAUSE IT MAY JUST WORK FOR YOU!!! - I can’t tell you how many things I have tried out since I finally decided to seek out help. There are so many different tools and resources out there that can help you and guide you so that you won’t be feeling this way anymore. I mean maybe you will still feel like way (like I do) but at least you might feel it less than what you are feeling now!

REMEMBER THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF IS YOURSELF!!!! So if that means taking a whole day in your bed under the covers so that you can recharge your mind.....SO BE IT! Do not feel discouraged or embarrassed by it. Just do it because you know that in the end its going to really help you out! 

- I hope you all enjoyed reading this ramble that I am not even sure makes sense but I don’t really care if it does or not becase I am typing this with one eye open and am about to crash and fall asleep really hard as soon as I am done typing this sentence! (Well......that was a mouthful) -

Thats all folks!!!

[lyasmin-blog1]

What even is perfect?

Hey there. 👋🏼 You know what I find quite interesting? The fact that I can sit, and or lay down in just pure silence. No phone. No book. And just stare into space. I've been doing just that for the past 30 minutes. Laying down in bed, Baby Groot snoring away (new SDIT), and just staring out the window. (With of course the sounds of my lovely upstairs neighbor's TV. I swear they're deaf!! I can hear their tv as if I'm in the room with them. Seriously, how loud do you need to have the volume?!) Anyone else find themselves doing this? A lot of the time when I'm just staring out into space, I'm literally not even thinking. I'm really just staring. People like to ask me what I'm thinking about when they catch me doing this but I just don't really have a response and I just shake my head and keep it moving. I guess I do this to prevent my thoughts from becoming evil. To stop them from telling me reasons why I'm a failure. Why I'm not perfect. Why I can't ever be 100% happy. Why I can't ever be normal. I just listen to the air. I listen to the particles moving in the oxygen surrounding me. I guess it's better to listen to silence than to listen to my thoughts. I wish every single day that this feeling would go away. This was just the world's longest nightmare. My biggest thought that occurs countless times that I just can't control that I wish more than anything would just go away is my obsession with perfection. I strive to be more perfect than perfect. If in a moment a feel perfect, im already thinking of how I can top THAT. Why is that? I couldn't even tell you. I don't even know who or what I'm trying to prove. - when my therapist asks me this question, I don't even know what to say. (Yes I see a therapist and it is okay to see one). What even is the point of striving to be perfect?! Why do I and many other people obsess over it so much? It's just gotten to the point where I can't even control it. Sometimes I don't even realize that I'm trying to let my perfectionism slip in. I just always feel like there's a voice whispering inside my ear telling me I can do better. I can be better. The only person that I'm trying to "show up" is me. But I couldn't even tell you why I'm like this. I try to think of reasons but they're just pitiful excuses. They're not real reasons. I think I enjoy staring into space so much (without thinking of any thoughts), is because for a moment, a very brief moment, my mind is at peace. ✌🏼That's all folks✌🏼

[lyasmin-blog1]

Young, Wild, and Sober

Hey there! Now here is something I have been thinking about for quite a while......Do you need to have alcohol in order to have fun? This question stems from the fact that I am actually allergic to alcohol but that certainly does not stop me from going out and having some fun every once in a while!

Now a days, when I go out, my favorite thing to do at a bar or a club is to people watch. I am naturally a very observant person so I am always scanning the room I am in and all the surroundings. But I just find it interesting to people watch especially when in a setting where people are drinking.

In my opinion, I don’t think you need to have alcohol to have fun. But what I can’t understand is how people live their lives thinking that they do need alcohol in order to have fun. Why? Why do you NEED alcohol to have fun? Is it that hard to enjoy your time out with your friends and be sociable? When I hear a person say they need to drink in order to have fun, I instantly feel as though they do not ever truly have fun when being around the people they choose to surround themselves with.

Now, I am not saying that drinking is bad.....well it can be bad if you are not being responsible. But I think a person can go out and just enjoy their time out without having to drink.

What I just can’t wrap my head around is the fact that some people will actually get upset if they are going to a party or any kind of celebration and there is no alcohol there. Is it that hard to just enjoy some good company without being under the influence? If you base your decision of not attending a celebration or party solely based off the fact that there will not be any alcohol, maybe you need to reevaluate yourself. That may seem harsh and blunt, but I never said I was the nicest person.

I will say that the benefit of not being able to drink really isn’t that bad. I never have to deal with gaining extra weight from  drinking. And its always just fun to mess with drunk people. I know that that sounds horrible but I find it funny because when under the influence, people can do and say some funny things and I will typically just go with whatever they are saying and I just get a laugh out of it. Another benefit is that I am always the designated driver when going out because I don’t drink and I don’t mind that at all because I know that my friends will always get home safe when they are with me.

Does anyone else ever think this as well? Do you feel that you need alcohol to have fun? And if so, why do you need it??

Thats all folks!

[lyasmin-blog1]

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.

Charles William Eliot (via lifeofquotations)

[lyasmin-blog1]

Consciousness Revolution.

[lyasmin-blog1]

Can I get an Amen?!

“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?! Can I get an Amen?!” - RuPaul

Hey there! Here’s a topic to give you some food for thought for today. LABELS. And no I am not talking about Fendi, Gucci, and Prada (although side tracking for a second, you can find just as nice things at a thrift store for not even a quarter of that price. I’m JUST SAYING!) No no, I am talking about something else. With June being Pride month, I thought it be appropriate to talk about this (though anytime of the year I find would be appropriate anyway).

If you are reading this, chances are you probably don’t know me. And that okay. I am a woman, and I am engaged to another woman who is the absolute love of my life as well as my best friend. I cannot express how much love I have for her. She is my whole entire world and she makes me feel like the happiest woman on the Earth. If you notice, I didn’t use any LGBT terminology. I’m sure you’re sitting there wondering if I am a Lesbian, or Bisexual, or maybe even Trans. Well, the truth is I don’t really know what I am but I am okay with that because I am happy. I have never liked labels and I try not to use them as much but sometimes they are obviously unavoidable. I have dated both men and women. And I already know what you’re thinking, that automatically makes me Bisexual. Well, I disagree. The thing about me is that I am not attracted to someone based only on their looks. That is not the first thing I am looking for in a partner. What is care about is personality. I want to be able to hold a decent adult conversation with my partner and not run out of things to talk about.

I see myself as a human who is in love with another human and we both just happen to be women. I could have very well fallen in love with a man, I won’t say that wasn’t an option. But the men I’ve dated, never suited me well and it wasn’t because they were men, it was because I did not find their personality attractive enough to stay with. When I met my fiancee, and we started dating, I never questioned the fact that she was a woman. I just said to myself that she has a great personality and if this does lead somewhere, then I will follow along and see where it leads to. Well, one year later and here I am typing this up with my engagement ring on my finger! It was never a major concern of mine to ever put a label to my sexuality. I never even cared to give it any serious thought.

In my opinion, I don’t really see a problem with that at all because no matter what love is love. Thats all there is to it! Love is love!! I may be marrying a woman next year, but really I am just marrying another human being. And that is what makes me happy.

If you don’t know what label would fit onto your sexuality, please please know that THAT IS OKAY!!! I see so many people really stress out because they don’t know how to define their sexuality. Trust me when I say that it is not a big deal at all! It is okay not to know what your sexuality is, as long as you are happy, that is really all that matters! You don’t need to have a label on your sexuality to be happy! I feel as though that is such an easily forgetful thought.

June is Pride month! What that means to me is that you should be PROUD of who you are as a person! You should be proud of your happiness. Whether if that is with a woman or a man, same sex or not, be PROUD of it! Don’t ever be ashamed and don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t be happy because you most certainly can and SHOULD BE HAPPY! Like I said, if you are struggling to identify your sexuality, please don’t (or try not to) stress out about it. It is OKAY not to know. It may come to you, it may not. Maybe you’ll end up like me and you just won’t ever be able to identify what your sexuality is but please know that there is nothing wrong with that. You are a beautiful human that was given life on this Earth, live it to the fullest. As long as you are happy, that is all that matters and that is what you should be proud of!

Thats all folks!

[lyasmin-blog1]

Ignite the calling!

Hey there! Yesterday, I met a new person. She was such a kind soul and very sweet. We were talking about our mental illnesses and certain things that trigger us and really set us off. She was a bit taken back when I told her that crowds are a MAJOR set off for me and that I am instantly tense and stressed out the moment I step into any kind of large crowds. She then asked me “If you don’t like crowds, why go to any of the parks (as in theme parks)?” My response was simple.

See, there once was a time when I went to theme parks alone. I did not mind it at all. I would spend my days in the parks. I would even go to the parks to read (and it is so funny watching people give me such an odd look because they think i spent money on a ticket just to read in a corner). My anxiety took a turn for the worse and things that once never even slightly bothered me, now can set me off into such a bad anxiety attack. It is mind boggling how the human body or I guess I should say human mind can transform you to freak out over something that once never even bothered you in the least bit. Now a days it is so hard for me to go to a park by myself. Even just thinking about it right now this moment is freaking me out. If I go to the parks anymore, it is usually with at least one other person. It is some what helpful to have some sort of distraction to keep me from thinking about the huge crowd that is surrounding me and that (feels like) it is closing in all around me. Now a days if I am in the parks I have to take breaks very frequently so that I can just sit down and try to find some sort of calmness again. - These words may seem dramatic to some, but you have no idea how tiring it is just to try to convince yourself that you are going to enter into a place that you KNOW will set you off into an attack. But you have to try to convince yourself that you are strong you are capable of doing this and you will go out there!

Getting back to my response, as I have talked about several different times, I volunteer my own time to help train service dogs. It is not a job. I do it voluntarily as my own choice. Usually if I am going to parks especially parks that are super super crowded especially around this time, it is usually so that I can help with the dogs. Theme parks are a truly brilliant place to train service dogs because of all the crowds, the noises, the smells, the distractions, everything a service dog needs to be aware of so that the dog will learn to be able to control himself and stay focused on paying attention to its owner and being on alert if anything is wrong with their person. Though some guests see this as an incovenience and a “ruining of a vacation trip”, I see it as a learning experience not just for the dog, but for me as well. 

The whole point of me going to help train in the parks is so that I can go into stress and panic mode that way the dog will learn to alert me because they know what smells to look for in that case. You are probably sitting reading this saying that I am an idiot for putting myself through all of that and think I am absolutely ridiculous. I’ll tell you that you are certainly not wrong. I am a ridiculous person. But, the dog has to learn somehow right? I know that if the dog can learn off me, they will certainly be able to protect the person they are to be with.

To me, this is just another way of helping to save a life. It may seem obsurd to some, but to me, I wouldn’t change a single thing. It is just so comforting to know that the dogs I help train, will go to people who are in need of them and I know that they will be protected by them. They will help save their lives and keep them safe at all times. I can’t explain the wonderful heartfelt feeling volunteering my time to help train service dogs gives me. Call me crazy, but I do think that God put me on this Earth to help people in need. I feel that is my calling in life. Whether it be training dogs, making speeches of my suicide story, I feel like I was given a life on this planet to just help save a life and inspire people. And truthfully, I am okay with that. And I don’t want a thing in return. I know there are people out there who do things just for the reward but I couldn’t careless for one. The knowledge of the fact that I inspired or saved someone is rewarding enough. Because I know in my heart, I made a difference and that this was the path that God paved for me.

Another thing to point out about helping train service dogs, the dogs teach me about myself. They teach me what brings up my anxiety, what puts me in panic mode. They’ve taught me so much about myself. I am still learning and I know I have a long way to go, but at least I have gained knowledge on myself that I once did not even know at all.

To all who read this, know that YOU TOO can make a difference! Even something as small as recycling a bottle, can help save a life of an animal and keep them out of danger! Also, don’t ever for a second doubt yourself. Don’t even think you are not strong enough. (I’m sure you are sitting there rolling your eyes saying that I am just calling the kettle black because these were the exact thoughts that would go through my mind and I won’t lie they still do go through my mind occasionally to this day.) BUT! It is because I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE and I don’t want someone else to suffer the same way that I once did. That is the worst feeling ever. It breaks my heart so much knowing that there are people out there who have felt and thought the same exact things that I have and they maybe even still think and do just that. I wish that there was a way that I could just hug all of you and reassure you some how that there is a way to cope with this all. There is a light. There is a way to rid of those negative demons. It is so much easier said than done but it is a training of the mind that one has to learn and accept in order to achieve.

Anyway......just find something that you are truly passionate about and that you love to do, and don’t you ever not even for a second, let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve that. Because, you know what? You most certainly CAN! There is at least one thing in this world that speaks to every single individual, you may not see it now, but someday it will call to you. And when it does, please, don’t ever let it go away. Just follow it! I promise you the feeling you will feel is just unexplainable.

Thats all folks!

[lyasmin-blog1]

Be a Rainbow

“You’ll never find a rainbow if you’re looking down.” - Charles Chaplin

Hey there!! - before i go any further I would like to warn you all that this post will be discussing topics that may be sensitive to others! But this needs to be addressed and bring awarness to because I feel this is so over looked by most people and when it is discussed it is discussed so vaguely so the message doesn’t really get through.

Today June 16th is such an important day to me! It is a day of celebration, a day of strength and positivity. - before I continue, let me give a quick backstory - I suffer from severe / extreme anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Along with that, I also deal with chornic migraines, and vertigo. These are all illnesses that are invisible. You would never know I was dealing with this unless I actually told you, and even then I don’t even know if you would believe me because its not like I actually look sick. My depression is such a rollercoaster. Some days are great and wonderful and some or anything but that. I was doing well for a little while, and was able to maintain my depression and I felt as though I was getting better. Up until one month ago, that all changed instantly. 

One month ago today, my car was repossessed. That was one of the worst feelings ever. I felt like a complete failure. Irresponsible, high maitenence spoiled brat. I did not know you could get lower than rock bottom until that very day. When I found out my car was taken from me, that pushed me over the edge. I spiraled down so quickly into a dark very dark depression. Its crazy how fast depression can change. This also triggered an extremely bad anxiety/panic attack. My chest was so tight I could barely breathe, my face was changing colors, I couldn’t for the life of me stop crying not even for 30 seconds. At one point I even passed out because I couldn’t breathe. That was when the darkness really took over me and in that moment, I felt there was only one thing I could do to change it all and make it all go away. I needed to die. I felt that if I killed myself, all these problems would just go away and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

So, I took a kitchen knife, grabbed my bottle of zolaft pills, and sat on my bed. I called my fiancee but she was at work and at the time was not by her phone. I called and called, left a voicemail. She eventually got back to me when she was able to, and I told her everything that happened and I told her I was having a bad attack and that she needed to get home ASAP. She complied and was able to leave work. After calling her, I then called my other friend and I told her I was going to do it. I was going to kill myself. She kept saying no I wasn’t, and was trying everything that she could do to distract me from that. I ended up hanging up on her and she kept calling me back but I kept ignoring her calls or I would pick up and hang up on her.

I couldn’t take this pain any longer and I just wanted to die. I slit my wrist pretty good, and laid down on the bed. I had my pills in my hand and was going to take them all at once but then my fiancee walked or I should say ran in through the door. She ran into the bedroom saw what I had already done and was going to do and instantly grabbed everything from me.

She saved my life. Literally. If she had not come into the room at that moment, I would not be sitting here on my couch typing this all up. I would be buried under the ground and my lifeless body would be decaying away.

A few days after that, my mother found out what had happened and immediately hopped on a plane and came down here and surprised me. That was such an amazing surprise that truthfully I never thought I needed. About two days after she arrived, my oldest brother was knocking on my door and surprised me at 8AM. Believe me when I say that he was the last person I ever thought I would be seeing at my doorstep at 8AM. Their intentions were to make sure that I was alive. They wanted to be moral support for me. And well, I needed it. My brother could only stay for 2 days. My mother stood for 2 weeks. That was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. It helped bring me back to reality. It gave me that hope that I thought I had lost forever. It made me realize that I have a bigger support system than I could have ever imagined. It made me realize that I truly am not alone. When your depression gets so bad, it is so hard to see and or believe that you have a support system. Yes people will tell you they’ll be there if you need anything but its not like you really want to bother them with your problems or be a burden to them. And though you’ll be told that you are not those things, that won’t change the fact that you still think them. Their visits made me realize and figure out why suicide is NOT the answer.

One month ago today, I almost died. But I am alive, I am here still breathing. And it has been one whole month that I have not thought of suicide or any kind of self harm at all.

I share my story with you all because mental illness is something that isn’t talked about very much. And if it is, its spoken about so vaguely. I share my story because I want to help bring awareness to everyone, especially those who do not fully grasp how depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses feel like. If you are reading this and you are depressed and have these same thoughts that I had a month ago, I am reaching out to YOU!!!! I know that it is so hard to see why suicide is not the answer but I beg you to try your hardest to see that it really is NOT THE ANSWER! And when you feel like you’ve tried your hardest try even HARDER than that! You may be blocked by some really dark demons, but I assure you beyond that there is a life that is better than the one you are experiencing in this moment right now. I’m not saying you won’t be depressed anymore because I am still depressed and I fight it every single day. But I can tell you that it is not as bad as it was one month ago!

Progress DOES NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT and that was and still is something I have to remind myself of every single day. 

IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!!!!!!!!!

If you are depressed and are having those thoughts, I encourage you to take a moment and put in the Suicide Hotline into your phone (  1-800-273-8255 ) if you don’t want to talk to a person you can text them (  838255 ). Another thing I encourage you to do is to have 5 people as your emergency contacts. That way if one person does not answer, you have 4 more people to contact. I have the hotline saved in my phone and I have 5 people that are now on speed dial incase I ever feel like that again. I also encourage you to find ONE positive thing. Just one. Every single day has a positive thing in it even during those truly bad days. I ask that you think of just one positive thing. (That is how I have been getting through my days every day since last month) It can even be as simple as you opened your eyes today! 

For those who are reading this who KNOW of someone who is depressed, I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE YOU to reach out to them!!!!! I cannot express that enough!! REACH OUT TO THEM!!!! You have no idea how far just a simple Hi how are you text message can go!

If you feel like you don’t know if a person you know is depressed, reach out to them anyway! Most people will tend to completely distance themselves from everyone in their lives because they just feel trapped and alone and that is the only way they can handle it is if they are by themselves because they are trying to figure out a way to get out of this trapped feeling. At least, this was how I felt. Some people who are depressed really are not going to seek you out or seek out any help. I encourage you to SEEK THEM OUT PLEASE!!! You have no idea how much of a difference that can make in a person’s life! It can even SAVE THEM! By one simple hi how are you!

To those reading this who do not have any kind of mental illness and does not know what it feels like, I cannot stress it enough to you to please DO NOT JUDGE A PERSON IF THEY DO NOT VISIBLY LOOK SICK!! Mental illness is invisible. Most people did not know I was dealing with all of this and most people that I know are actually finding out through this very post because I try my hardest to hide it. I try to not let it control my life. That is one of the most difficult things I battle with on a daily basis but I still fight through it. I cannot tell you how nervous I get when I explain to people just some of the illnesses I deal with. I feel like they think I am making it up because I just don’t look visibly sick to them, when in fact I actually need to have a Service Dog with me because that is how severe my illnesses are. Unfortunately I cannot afford one, but I make due by volunteering my time to help train service dogs and that helps me A LOT!

If you’ve made it this far, I commend you for reading this novel! Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means so much to me!! I ask that you not pity me or sympathize for me. That is not what I am looking for and that is not the reason why I am posting this. I am not posting this to get attention. I actually ask that you PAY IT FORWARD and just reach out to someone! Especially that friend who you used to once be close with but now you don’t talk that much anymore....yeah reach out to them! Please! To be honest, I feel like God planned for me to go through all of this so that I can see how beautiful life really is. I know it is God that is telling me to reach out to the world and bring awareness to mental illness. I can’t save the world, and thats okay. But I can at least get in touch with as many people as I can to share my story to give them hope, strength, positivity and above all inspire.

This past month has completely changed my perspective on life. I am so glad I didn’t succeed that day because there is so much more to life that I have yet to experience!! Life is such a beautiful thing and I am so thankful and honored to be living a life here on this earth!

Thats all folks!!

[lyasmin-blog1]

Social Media Takeover

Hey there! So, this book I have been reading called The Circle by David Eggers has really gotten me thinking a lot lately. Mainly about the kind of technological world we live in today and how it has advanced and how it could (if not already) possibly advance.

Before I go on, for those who have not read this book, here is a quick little synopsis: 

“ Mae Holland seizes the opportunity of a lifetime when she lands a job with the world's most powerful technology and social media company. Encouraged by the company's founder, Mae joins a groundbreaking experiment that pushes the boundaries of privacy, ethics and personal freedom. Her participation in the experiment, and every decision she makes soon starts to affect the lives and futures of her friends, family and that of humanity.”

It is so mind boggling to me how much technology has taken over the human race. Yes, for the most part it has advanced in positive ways for medical reasons and things like that. But, the thing that frightens me is that in this book, Mae basically does break the boundaries of privacy and personal freedom due to this social media experiment. Can you imagine the ENTIRE WORLD watching your EVERY SINGLE MOVEMENT OF YOUR DAILY LIFE?!

Social media has gotten to the point where people feel the need to post every single detail of their life story on social media. Granted, with the exception of what I am currently doing (you can see my point vaguely). Yes I know I am writting a blog that discusses all of my thoughts and what not. But if you read this book, it shows that Social media is on a whole new level!! I also feel that now a days anyone and I mean anyone feels that they have a right to comment on every single thing a person posts about and somehow make a negative comment about it to prove that they are wrong about what ‘said person’ is even talking about. yes, I can agree and say that I too have seen posts on social media that have made me roll my eyes but I am not going to stomp them down and explain to them why I think they are in the wrong. PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES PEOPLE!!! There is no need to be condescending to every human. (And I am certain that there will be at least one person who reads this and will have some type of negative comment to say to tell me that I am wrong) <-- Tempting right??

C H O I C E S !

Can you imagine working for a company where even when you are “off the clock” you’re not really off the clock because you are expected to go to all of the social events that are happening after work and if you don’t go you are questioned and interogated as to why you didn’t attend anything?! Or that you are questioned as to why you never once posted on social media that you are into kayaking?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If my boss ever asked me why I rarely ever post about my interest in Antique Shops and Thrift Stores, I would shocked! I don’t see the point in sharing every single little detail of my life. Nor do I see how it is helping others in the whole world (as discussed in the book).

What makes me think the most is that this is already basically happening now. TODAY! Look at facebook for example, you can go ‘LIVE’ at anytime during the day for however long you want and people can watch what you are doing. There are some people out there (and you know exactly who you are) who post things for ‘LIKES’ or ‘FOLLOWERS’ and their life is really revolved around that. BUT WHY?! WHY IS YOUR LIFE REVOLVED AROUND A LIKE ON THE INTERNET?! I DON’T SEE THE POINT!!! What exactly are you trying to prove not to others but to yourself?

I fear that one day we are all going to loose our privacy rights and there are going to be cameras everywhere watching our every move at every second of every day and people (like in the book) are going to judge us based off of what we do. - THIS IS NOT OKAY! THIS IS SO NOT OKAY! We should be more concerned about GLOBAL WARMING than a damn ‘like’ on a social media post! (there are other more important things we should be worried about as well but you see my point here). Its great that we have technology but sometimes I wish we didn’t. Sometimes I wish our only form of communication was through letters that were sent out by a postage horse that took so long to get to you but that was the only way anyone every knew you were even alive.

Today, some people don’t even know how to hold a conversation face to face. They can only hold on via text. THAT IS SO NOT COOL! We should all be able to with hold a conversation in person with another human being. We should not fall to text messages being our only form of communication. Social media and technology is cool and all but there is a whole entire WORLD out there that is socially acceptable too and you don’t need technology for it. Want to know what you need?! JUST YOUR BODY!!! You just need to walk out the door and explore the world! Explore nature! I fear that is such a falling thing that is happening to the human race each and everyday. 

I probably sound crazy and not making sense to some of you and you’re probably right. I’m really just typing my thoughts as they come along. But what got me thinking all of this is that book I am reading. I highly suggest you all take the time out to read that book because it will make you think differently about how you treat social media.

Seriously though, do any of you agree with anything that I have stated?!

Thats all folks!

[lyasmin-blog1]

One day at a time☀️

Hey there! So today (like just about all of my days) was a roller coaster. My day started out great!! I toured the K9 Kennel unit of my job which was amazing!! It was so informative and just interesting and I loved it so much and of course, there were dogs!🙃 Later on after all that, I went to meet up with the woman I volunteer for to help her train service dogs. I love it so much! She's THE SWEETEST and most kind human being and there needs to be more people like her in this world today! Everything was going fine. And then it hit me. One big slap in the face. I hate it so much when it happens this way because I get even more mad at myself. I know i shouldn't but I just do. My chest started tightening up. My mind started scattering. My anxiety level was rising. I couldn't even tell you why! When it first started, I was just standing in a corner away from the crowd purposely isolating myself. A few minutes of breathing exercises, and I got it all to cease. I then went to go see a show that I have seen countless times. I know how it goes and what happens and what noises to expect. But for whatever reason, my anxiety said NOT TODAY SATAN! NOT TODAY!! The noises got so much louder in my head. The lights started giving me a headache. My chest tightened up. My body started to shake. I knew this wasn't going to end well. At this point I have a mastiff service dog sitting by me who was alerting to my anxiety. Then another one of the dogs started alerting me as well. I knew I wasn't doing well but I chose to fight. I am so stubborn with my anxiety that I fight it back because I hate when it controls me and takes over my body. I was able to make it out of the theater. Only to find a HUGE crowd right outside the theater not moving because it was raining outside and all staring at me. Well, technically the dog but it's still irritating. If it's one thing I don't like, it's having all eyes on me. (Which is ironic given the job I do. And if you know me personally you know what my job is). At that moment, I wanted to run into the nearest corner I could find, curl into a ball and just cry. Cry because of frustration. Frustration that comes out because I hate that I can't control my anxiety. I hate that sometimes it completely takes over my body. I hate that it acts up just out of no where. (I could literally stare at a wall in dead silence and go into an attack.) I'm frustrated because I don't understand why or how it got this bad. I walked as fast as I could. Now holding onto two dogs who knew exactly what to do to block me in between them to keep the big crowd at a distance from me. I got to a certain point where I just couldn't walk anymore. I got so dizzy I felt that I was going to faint. So I ran right into a corner and my body collapsed to the ground and curled into a ball. The dogs blocked me to try to help ground me. Then one dog anchored himself on top of my legs while I was sitting so that he could use pressure to help calm me. I eventually got grounded. Though I'm still a tiny bit out of it and have a migraine which usually happens after an attack. I know I can't control my anxiety sometimes. But my goodness it frustrates me so much that it's THIS SEVERE!!!! WHY?! WHY IS IT THIS WAY?! WHY CANT I CONTROL IT?! I refuse to loose the battle on this one and refuse to let it run my life. I may be terribly failing at that, but I'm not giving up that fight. I know I need a service dog, but I just can't afford it what so ever. Yes, health is a priority especially my mental health. But my finances just don't agree. So volunteering is the best option for me right now because the dogs can tell when an attack is going to happen BEFORE it actually happens. So each time I'm learning more and more about my triggers and things that set me off. I have faith that one day this will all go away. At least I like to think I have faith. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. I also like to think that one day I will not be so damn severely depressed but here I am. I like to think that one day I will be free of all of these health problems. Maybe someday. Anyway, I take everything one day at a time. I really don't like to think of the future because of how often it can change. Especially in my life. So I take it one day at a time. If there is anyone, anyone out there on the internet reading this right now and have a similar problem, just take it one day at a time. We sure don't know what the future has in store, but we sure as hell can keep fighting this battle! And the strongest thing you can do is to NOT GIVE UP!! - and for those who reads this that know me personally, welcome to a typical day in my life. That's all folks!🤘🏼🦄

[lyasmin-blog1]

Bookworms unite!

Hey there!! Whoever is out there reading this thank you. Thank you for taking the time for even just reading the first sentence. I’m not sure if anyone will read this but I like to think that this will reach at least one person somewhere in the world.

Are there any book worms out there reading this?? I love to read. I have quite the list of health problems that I will get into one day in a future post, but reading helps me. It helps me temporarily escape. Escape from the reality of my problems, and just for a little while think of something other than the things that are wrong with me. It is so comforting to me to just put my mind at ease when reading a book. In a way, books have become my comfort blanket and truthfully, I am not mad about that at all. Actually, I wish I was this much of a book worm in school! - but better late than never I suppose! 

I take weekly trips to two different libraries that are near me. Sometimes I will even go multiple times in one week! I have the tendency to finish a book in about a day or two. If it were up to me, I would spend every minute of the day reading.....but then how would I pay my bills? Typically when I go to the library, I am checking out a stack that is much bigger than I can carry alone! Since I don’t have much money, it is easier for me to read books for free from the library rather than constantly buying books.

Currently, I am reading The Circle by David Eggers and my goodness!!! If you want to be freaked out by the advantages and progressions of social media and how it can (if it has not already) taken over the world basically, then I suggest you read this book! I have not finished it just yet, but I fear that if I don’t finish the book, I will be interrogated as to why I did not finish reading it. (If you read the book, you will know what I mean by that)

At first, I was just reading books that I have either already read or had wanted to read but never got the opportunity to. Now I make my selection primarily off of a book of the month club that I follow on Instagram. Whatever books they deem to be the books of the month, I will go to my library and try to find them. I am also constantly looking for recommendations through my GoodReads app! I like that app because you can see what your friends (who have the app) are reading, have read, and plan to read. You can get some good ideas from there as well! If you haven’t heard of this app before, check it out! Its free to download!

What books are you reading?

[lyasmin-blog1]

🦄A small intro🦄

Hey there! I decided to start a blog. Not quite sure what prompted this thought and I’m not quite sure how long I’ll keep this blog going. But I figured, what do I have to loose?! I just want to talk (or in this case write….or I guess blog?). <- not sure of the proper phrasing here but you get the idea!

I have lots of thoughts that come to my mind that for some reason I get too shy to discuss in person around others. So I thought I’d start here.

Anyway, cats are cool. Unicorns are a blessing. And penguins run the world. That’s all folks🤘🏼