liesversusbrain

[liesversusbrain]

Update

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted here. I’m finally finished college and have some extra time on my hands, so I’m hoping to get a regular schedule going here once I can get a calendar organiser to hang on my wall. Things have been a bit hectic, and my mental health took a bit of a nosedive for a small while, but I’m hoping I’m going to be back soon. 

[liesversusbrain]

Gratitudes

I’ve been away for a very long time, and I promise I have some topics lined up, I just needed the break for a while. I hope everyone is doing okay out there. To start the day off on a good note, I’m going to list some things I’m grateful for over the last few months, and I’d encourage others to do the same if you’re up for it. 

1. Starting proper therapy. 

2. A loving and supporting life partner who’s way more understanding than I deserve sometimes. 

3. Learning how to prioritise self-care time.

4. The taste of a good cup of coffee. 

[liesversusbrain]

It has been a while. I’m not going to lie, the last few weeks have been tough. I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health, which manifests in physical symptoms, and just generally lacking the energy and motivation to do anything. My mind is constantly racing and my body doesn’t have the strength to keep up. I’m trying to look after myself, but I also feel it is important to be real in what I post and not try to pretend everything is fine. 

I’m also back in remote college as of this week so that in itself is adding extra stress. I hope get back to regular posting soon, but I can’t make any definite guarantees. 

[liesversusbrain]

2021

Happy New Year! 

I’m already seeing “new year-new me” posts all over my timelines, so I wanted to give a gentle reminder to anyone out there who’s struggling with their mental health, health issues in general, or any other obstacle you’re facing right now that you don’t need to drastically change anything about yourself or your life because it’s a new year. We are still in the middle of a pandemic, and it’s perfectly okay to continue as you were in 2020. I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year’s eve, and I wish you all the best for 2021. 

[liesversusbrain]

My Experience with an Undiagnosed Eating Disorder (TW: weight, food, restriction, disordered eating)

This is a slightly different post to what I’m used to posting. I use this blog as an outlet, to try make sense of my emotions and life and to try escape for a while. This isn’t an easy post for me to type out, especially around Christmas time. It’s also going to be a really long one so I’m sorry. 

I’ll go back to the beginning, or at least what I think is the beginning but I can’t be entirely sure. I had always been on the pudgier side. I was a chubby baby and never entirely grew out of my “baby fat”, but I wasn’t overweight by any means. I just wasn’t stereotypically “skinny”. From ages 8-12 it never really bothered me much and it wasn’t something I paid much attention to. I played sports for fun and didn’t take it too seriously even though I was highly uncoordinated and really REALLY bad at it. I knew I wasn’t like the other kids. I wasn’t fast or athletically inclined, and I wasn’t as skinny as they were. It was just something I knew but didn’t let bother me. I kept at it, and everything was fine. 

Until I went to my first (and last) “summer sports camp” that didn’t just involve soccer. It was in a local sports centre, and I went with my older cousin. It was a week long event, and the first couple of days were incredibly fun, and we did loads of things like rounders and basketball, obstacle courses and swimming. We were allowed bring our own lunch, and my mom was running late that morning and didn’t realise we didn’t have anything for my lunch for that day so she buttered some bread and gave me some change to grab a bag of crisps from the vending machine to make a sandwich so I’d have something until she could go shopping after work. Keep in mind I was about 12/13 at this point. So off I went and bought the crisps at lunchtime, opened my tinfoil of buttered bread and made the sandwich. I don’t remember exactly why one of the women in charge came my way, or why she made the following comments, but they’ve played a bigger role in my disordered eating than I would like to admit. 

My cousin and I were sitting on the floor in the hall eating our lunch, and woman W (W from here on out) came over to both of us and obviously saw the half-bag of crisps on the ground next to me. She asked me what I was eating, and I told her. There were no explicit rules about banned foods or anything, it was a case of just send your child with a lunch, and my mom wouldn’t have left me with the crisp sandwich if she’d had the option. W asked me what I’d eaten the day before. Why she wanted to know, I’m really not sure, but like I said, I was a chubby child and there wasn’t many of us at the camp. Well when I tell you she made a child cry over a crisp sandwich that day I’m not kidding. I was (and still am) a sensitive person who would cry at anything, and here is a grown adult woman calling me out in front of everyone within earshot, making comments about “watching what I eat” and “should I really be eating that” in a (what didn’t know at the time to be condescension) funny tone. She saw I was crying and she just walked away. And it mightn’t seem like a big deal, but we had swimming after lunch and I was really looking forward to it, but after her comments I didn’t want to even look at a bathing suit, never mind put one on in front of everyone. I was still in primary school at this point. 

Moving on to secondary school and it was a whole other story. The differences in everyone’s bodies were more noticeable, and I still hadn’t lost my chubbiness. It didn’t help that I’d developed the beginning of an anxiety disorder and was incredibly insecure to begin with. I also had a bully, and words like “ugly” and “fat” were thrown around on the regular. 

I think what really kicked it off properly though was an abusive relationship that I went through in that timeframe. I won’t go into specifics right now, but it exaggerated my anxiety to the point where I didn’t eat from one end of the day to the next because I felt nauseous and panicked all the time and had no appetite. I lost a lot of weight, which is where my biggest issue came about. I enjoyed it. And it’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s honest. I liked how I looked. I looked sick and worn out from not sleeping, but I was skinny. I was 15, just out of an emotionally manipulative relationship, was getting more into alternative culture and had lost a lot of weight. I felt pretty. Guys were looking at me on the street where I had always been the forgotten friend. It was addictive. My parents were throwing around phrases like “anorexic” and “eating disorder” and it just made me angry. I didn’t have an eating disorder. I had anxiety and I’d lost weight. That’s all. But you see, I didn’t start eating again once the relationship was over. I started eating less, and drinking more coffee. I still didn’t think I had a problem.

I kept this up for most of my secondary school life. I didn’t eat at lunch, barely ate at home, wouldn’t eat in public because I was afraid of what people would think if they saw me eating, never had any of the food at parties for the same reason. I didn’t feel like I deserved food because I’d put on weight and I didn’t feel comfortable in my own body anymore.

I’d like to say this got better once I graduated school, but it’s pretty much the same now even in college. I rarely ate in front of my college friends for the firs year, and if I did it was a fraction of what I should have been eating to get through the day because of how insecure I was. I drank even more coffee and ate even less food but I still felt like I was putting on weight. I met my current boyfriend and I refused to eat in front of him for a good 9 months, if not more at the start of our relationship. He has helped me a lot with my eating issues. He reminds me to eat food and tells me it’s okay to be hungry and act on that hunger. I’m still really bad with my eating, but without him I’m not sure where I’d be right now. It’s still a big work in progress though.

Why am I talking about this now? It’s because Christmas is a big time for eating. It makes me anxious to sit down with my family and eat more than normal and I can’t enjoy it because I’m focused on getting through it as quickly as I can. It really shouldn’t be like this, and if you’re feeling the stress around dinner this year, I can relate big-time. It isn’t easy to pretend like everything is fine, and I’m proud of you if you’re here and you’re fighting to be a better you. Even if you aren’t, I’m still proud of you. Sometimes that’s all we need to hear. 

[liesversusbrain]

Going to therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve had my fair share of dealings with different therapists for many reasons and one big thing for me was knowing I had a network of people who celebrated the fact that I was getting help, not mocked and belittled me for it. Feeling ashamed can hinder your progress, so remember it’s okay to ask for help. * 

*Credit to @mental-healthmatters for the original post. 

Stop stigmatizing people going to therapy. There is literally nothing wrong with it. There is nothing shameful about it. We all have mental health. There is nothing shameful with wanting to take care of it. It’s actually quite responsible and healthy.

Source: Not Okay

[Image description: Black text against an orange background reads “going to therapy should be as normal as going to the doctor”]

[liesversusbrain]

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! 🎄🎁⛄❤️

[liesversusbrain]

[liesversusbrain]

Tokophobia

TW: Pregnancy/Anxiety/Birth Control Side Effects/TMI

Today I want to talk about a form of anxiety that may not be as widely spoken about as something like generalised anxiety or panic disorder, and that is Tokophobia. 

Tokophobia is a significant fear of childbirth or pregnancy. It is common in ~14% of women and can be classed as primary or secondary. 

Primary: Primary tokophobia is a fear of childbirth in women who have never experienced pregnancy. 

Secondary:  Secondary tokophobia is a morbid fear of childbirth developing after a traumatic event in a previous pregnancy. 

~13% of non-pregnant/never have been pregnant women suffer from primary tokophobia and delay or avoid pregnancy entirely because of this. 

Why am I talking about this? 

I myself have an irrational fear of becoming pregnant or giving birth and I never knew it had a specific name until I did some research into the issue. I would love to have kids with my partner when I am a bit older, however I am afraid of hospitals, needles and any other sort of procedure or check up that could be involved in pregnancy because I live in constant fear that something is wrong. My anxious brain treats any slight possibility that I may be pregnant as the end of the world like I am completely alone when in reality, I’m not. I have a support network if I need it. 

Today, I am experiencing a change in my body. I have been using the mini-pill for over a year now and I thought my body had adjusted to it by now. It is still possible to have a period, however I haven’t in quite some time. Today, it looks like it’s arrived unexpectedly. My anxious brain once again has kicked in and I was afraid it was implantation bleeding and I was pregnant. It was an irrational fear, but this one thought caused a half-hour long panic. That’s why I’m writing this post, to get the thought out of my head and on to an external source. There are many other logical possibilities than the worst case scenario and it’s hard to remember that sometimes. The point of this post really is to let people know that it’s actually okay to be afraid of this, and you’re never entirely as alone in your thinking as you think you are. 

[liesversusbrain]

Hello everyone

I want this blog to be as inclusive as it can be. I personally only have experience with anxiety and depression, which is why they're the most talked about on here. I'd like to open the floor to more mental health issues, especially lesser known or talked about ones. I've opened submissions to the page (still trying to figure out how it works) and I'd like it if people would share their experiences or information if they're comfortable doing so. It can be anonymous, or fully credited, I'm not going to force people to reveal anything if they aren't okay with that. Maybe give it a thought and if you want to, submit some work!

[liesversusbrain]

Reblogging this because it's late and I can't sleep so I'd rather answer some stuff instead of just lying here staring at the ceiling!

Ask Me Things!!

Hello!!

I’m at a serious loose end right now and I’m looking for something to do so please ask me some questions! 

[liesversusbrain]

I said I’d do a more in-depth post about relationship anxiety so I thought I’d do it in photo style. Relationship anxiety is normal, and is something I’ve struggled with since my current relationship began. I haven’t had the best relationship experience until now, which has shaped the way I act and think in my relationship today. I am lucky enough to have a caring and understanding partner who works through this with me, and understands that he isn’t the source of my issues. 

Talk it out with your partner if you’re feeling this way. It truly does help, and it will bring you both closer together in the long run when you eventually relax into the relationship and begin to just let go and have fun together. But remember, you’re not alone in feeling like this, and it’s a lot more common than you think. 

[liesversusbrain]

Ask Me Things!!

Hello!!

I’m at a serious loose end right now and I’m looking for something to do so please ask me some questions! 

[liesversusbrain]

Future Endeavours

Hello! 

I’ve been toying with the possibility of maybe starting a podcast for a while now. I’m thinking of using Stereo.com to do occasional discussion shows about some of the same stuff I talk about on here because I feel like a lot more can be said verbally than I can put down in writing here. I also feel like the structure would be beneficial to me. It’s under The Panic Fairy on the app, or @ the_panic_fairy, and if anyone has any questions or discussion points feel free to send them to my Ask Me Anything page on here. If at a later date people would like to guest speak with me about issues I wouldn’t have much knowledge on, that’s a possibility too! 

[liesversusbrain]

Really needed this right now 

(Credit: unknown)

[liesversusbrain]

Having a partner that understands your mental health and cares enough to be there for you is a blessing. If your partner doesn’t do this, or doesn’t seem to care about it, it might be time to have a chat. All else fails, know your worth and step away. Partners support each other, not isolate their SO in a time of mental difficulty. 

Reminder: it’s completely valid to expect your partner to care about your mental health.

[liesversusbrain]

🎶 *whistles a happy tune*

please take a moment and eat something healthy! ❤❤❤