kristenfights

[kristenfights]

DON’T SWIPE RIGHT IF FOOBS OFFEND YOU! Today was a good day. Today I saw my plastic surgeon for the first time in a month. Good news: I’m not bottoming our like I though Bad news: I’ll never have cleavage due to the width of my chest and how thin I am but they’ll look great in a dress! 🙄 I think the last dress I wore was my wedding dress. I was told my foobs are really symmetrical - but an optical illusion. Right foob, where the malignant tumor was (that was over 6” large) that caused excess skin on top of weight loss excess skin has a lot of Alloderm in there causing my real skin (and initially the implant) to be up further but now that the foobs are settled the scar is higher on the right 🤷🏻‍♀️ I really don’t care, my scars are proof of my strength but Biocorneum is a gift for the healing and fading of the scars 🙌💪🏻 I go back in 4 months for a nipple reconstruction consult - which will just to be to see how I’m healing as I’m not going forward with that procedure and will be purchasing Pink Perfect prosthetic nipples 👍 Today’s self care involved baking Lucky Charm crispy treats (they were St. Patrick’s Day lucky charms expiring in November so I knew I wouldn’t be eating them before then) that are AMAZING and of course my Caramel Vanilla French Vanilla coffee ☕️ #mastectomy #foobs #breastcancer #fightlikeagirl #breastimplants #scars #fuckcancer #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #ednos #edtecovery #edwarrior #bopo #stretchmarks #loveyourself #selflove #selfcare #baking #foodie #positivevibes #positivity https://www.instagram.com/p/BoKpVb_lkjT/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=36lo4y3ae1gr

[kristenfights]

Yesterday was a bad day. I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon tomorrow that’s been weighing on me. I feel like I have no control over my body, which caused me to engage in disordered thoughts and behaviors (binging/over exercising). Today, I’m paying for it. Today, I’m practicing self love. I baked my favorite blueberry muffins and drank my favorite caramel vanilla coffee with French vanilla creamer. Today, I’m taking control of my eating disorder. Today, I’m letting myself feel anxious and depressed because it’s okay to feel. What I’m not doing is letting my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, or other emotions control me. I’m still in control of both my body and my mind. I’m strong, my diagnosis, my surgery, my recovery has made me strong and I refuse to fall back to the scared person I was before. I’m not scared, I’m ready for any challenge. Not every day will be good, but there will be good in every day. Yesterday was a lesson. #mastectomy #breastcancer #foobs #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #ednos #panicdisorder #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #edrecovery #edwarrior #foodie #baking #muffin #blueberry #coffee #bopo #bodypositive #selflove #selfcare #stretchmarks #girlswithtattoos #adultswitheds #allblackeverything #loveyourself #positivevibes #positivity https://www.instagram.com/p/BoIAxCOFORr/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xubssjlt56o6

[kristenfights]

9 weeks post op. Crazy. Time goes by too fast, it’s scary. Tired. Haven’t slept over 4.5-5 hours in over 2 months. Numb. Emotionally. My feelings are as cold as my foobs. It’s better than feeing anxious or depressed but at the same time not being able to feel the good. I am still feeling very positive. My memory is gone for some odd reason. I couldn’t remember a week before my surgery that happened and had to ask S if it happened. I’ve noticed a lot of positive cognitive changes since my surgery - I hope it’s permanent. I often wish I was physically numb - Unfortunately not. I’m back go walking on my treadmill for an hour - still not sure if it’s disordered (as I don’t do it to purge calories) or out of wanting my pre surgery stamina back and proving to myself I can still do it. Today’s self care included a caramel vanilla kcup with sugar free French vanilla powder creamer. IT WAS AMAZING. Even more amazing was I let myself drink liquid calories and not feeling guilty. That’s a win for me. #mastectomy #breastcancer #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #ednos #anxiety #depression #edwarrior #edrecovery #positivevibes #bopo #bodyposifive #selflove https://www.instagram.com/p/BoAewjHFLYJ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1x907s2gohu5x

[kristenfights]

Today’s self care included baking this Krispy Kreme donut cake that Scott found at ShopRite the other day. I’m not a cake or donut person, I usually just eat the icing 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was actually pleasantly surprised by this - even though the glazed icing was super sweet (this coming from a sugar addict), the cake actually tasted like a donut and was so moist. The icing and cake together made a good combo that I thoroughly enjoyed way too much of (yes, even the cake part!) without a side of guilt 🙌 #krispykreme #donut #donuts #cake #baking #icing #sweet #foodie #foodgasm #foodporn #foodies #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn6rlVxlw9G/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1lkpbunip3qk7

[kristenfights]

Happy Fall 🍂 Today, though it was still 73* I realized I’m going to need 5 bras and 13 shirt in the Winter because my foobs are ALWAYS freezing which = me freezing. This cording needs to resolve itself like yesterday. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being electrocuted/stabbed from under my arm down my arm, to my back & chest, into my ribs 2317 times a day resulting in chronic muscle spasms 🙄 I’m over recovery, it’s hard, it’s ugly, it sucks. Despite the negatives there have been more positives, which I’m so very thankful for and couldn’t ask for me (okay, maybe leggings that fit me would be my #1 wish right now). #mastectomy #foobs #breastcancer #fightlikeagirl #fall #autumn #allblackeverything #mentalhealth #ednos #anxiety #depression #recovery #edrecovery #edwarrior #positivevibes #loveyourself https://www.instagram.com/p/BoDDWY-F0EE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=136ioi33rni0e

[kristenfights]

Monday. Where did the weekend go? I’m tired (not that I work or have a reason to get up at 6am besides not being able to sleep more than 4.5 hours the past two months which I’m actively seeking though), clearly. Last night I binged and felt bad about it. Those thoughts are always going to be there, but I didn’t exercise purge or restrict today. Today I cleaned and walked for an hour. Now I’m practicing self care by enjoying a cup of pumpkin spice coffee ☕️ Coffee is my favorite, which is funny because before my surgery I couldn’t handle caffeine - now I need at least 3 10oz cups + iced tea a day 🙌 I’m not sure what to do with myself at the moment, I haven’t had down time in over 2 weeks and it’s...boring. I want to be out, around people, anything. I’m excited to go grocery shopping tonight, as lame as that is. I’m having an off day. I feel nothing, but this is my “usual” - numb. If only my body felt the same way and this cording went away 💜 #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #foobs #fuckcancer #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #ednos #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #recovery #pumpkinspice #coffee #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #bopo #bodypositive #selflove #selfcare #positivevibes https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn1pR6plWys/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xk4760w65ygq

[kristenfights]

Today I decided to try to wear a “normal” bra (yes, one of the many I had anguish over shopping for one on Saturday) for the first time since surgery. I had this bra on for 3 hours until I said “FUCK this!”. I’ve been hating my foobs a lot lately, and a regular bra just adds to that hate - still no cleavage (no bra gives me that - I can’t even push them together with my hands for cleavage) but a whole lot of side foob 🙄 On Tuesday I see my plastic surgeon and I can’t wait to talk about the possibility of revision surgery with him, even if I have to wait until the 6 month mark - I’ll take anything other than feeling like I have two cold, hard perfectly round bags on my chest. Today is not a good body image day but it’s not going to stop me from eating what I want. Although I may feel a certain way about my foobs, I still love my body and all it does and has done for me 💖 I have an appointment with my therapist in a couple hours, which should just be so fun considering... Never mind, I’m trying to be a positive person now so I’ll just keep my negative comments/concerns between my therapist and I 💜#mastectomy #foobs #breastcancer #fightlikeagirl #fuckcancer #mentalhealth #ednos #anxiety #depression #edwarrior #edrecovery #bopo #selflove #bodypositive #selfcare https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn4QijrF0hY/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mizdmn0jq4uo

[kristenfights]

Today’s self care included baking this Krispy Kreme donut cake that Scott found at ShopRite the other day. I’m not a cake or donut person, I usually just eat the icing 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was actually pleasantly surprised by this - even though the glazed icing was super sweet (this coming from a sugar addict), the cake actually tasted like a donut and was so moist. The icing and cake together made a good combo that I thoroughly enjoyed way too much of (yes, even the cake part!) without a side of guilt 🙌 #krispykreme #donut #donuts #cake #baking #icing #sweet #foodie #foodgasm #foodporn #foodies #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn6rlVxlw9G/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1lkpbunip3qk7

[kristenfights]

State of the foobs, don’t swipe right if you don’t want to see them 👍 Today I went to try and find a bra so I could wear SOMETHING besides the 2014 sports bras I’ve been living in the past two months. This made me realize my new normal. I’m not okay with my body. I’m grateful, I’m thankful my surgery and recovery is going so amazing - but I look in the mirror, try on a bra and realize how much I’ve lost. My foobs are so hard and separates - even the tightest bra doesn’t give me cleavage, half of my right foob is in my armpit which is uncomfortable and doesn’t fill out a bra since it doesn’t move (No, I’m not experiencing CC, just lots of much needed Alloderm after an 11cm, 6-10 lb malignant tumor was removed from that breast). I didn’t ask for this, any of this. I didn’t choose cancer. I’m lucky to have a perfectionist plastic surgeon who did an AMAZING job considering what he had to work with pre surgery wise, but these foobs ... this is not me. I still want to hide in hoodies (clearly, and yes I wear the same one almost every day lately 🤷🏻‍♀️). I want to feel feminine, I want to have a bit of what I lost to cancer back. Today is a bad body image day. It’s hard trying to fight off ED thoughts when I literally look in the mirror and have no idea what I’m looking at, this doesn’t feel like my body. This isn’t being ungrateful - this is how I feel and I always keep my feelings real. I’ll have better days again but today it’s hard to be positive. I still love my body, for keeping me going,for all that it’s been through and continues to fight against 💪🏻 #mastectomy #breastcancer #foobs #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #ednos #edwarrior #bopo #bosypositive #loveyourself #selflove https://www.instagram.com/p/BnxC8mClxDp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1gnzhq26nd2q8

[kristenfights]

8 weeks post Mastectomy with DTI today 🙌 Saw my wonderful breast surgeon whom I love and am so happy I was referred to, she makes me feel so comfortable with her hugs (which I usually do not appreciate from people). The nurse asked me if my hair was real, she was shocked when I said yes and she explained she always thought I had extensions. This made me feel good as I thought my hair has been falling out more lately 🙏 Bad scar tissue along my scar line - very painful, but NO infection!My liver will have to suffer with more Tylenol until further notice. Cording still very bad, skin on my left foob is swollen from the scar tissue. No limitations and move my arms as much as possible 😊 Time to get strong again 💪🏻 My surgeon is very pleased with my walking every day 💪🏻 I see my plastic surgeon on the 24th which I can’t wait for as I need cleavage (my foobs are very hard and separated) and he’s a perfectionist so I know he’ll come up with the best plan 🙌 Very bad anxiety today (obviously pre hormonal - awesome) but I STILL beat that anxiety and drove myself to my own appointment 💪🏻 On the way home I was CRAVING another Cookies & Cream Quest bar so I listened to my body, stopped at CVS and got one. I’m feeling positive (besides this annoying pain) - pushing the negative thoughts away and moving forward. Today feels like fall and it’s my favorite weather - overcast ⛅️ I’ve been wearing a hoodie almost everyday since my surgery because my foobs make me FREEZE. My husband had no idea what I meant that my foobs were freezing ALL of the time so I told him to feel them - he was amazed at how cold they were vs the rest of my skin (even my forever cold hands). Foobs are weird. I’m so thankful, so happy, so positive. I couldn’t ask for more or better healing 💖 #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #fuckcancer #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #agoraphobia #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #onaquest #fitnessjourney #protein #foobs #selflove #positivevibes https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnt34X6lXk1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=pwwyepn7hk1y

[kristenfights]

All those chunks in my Quest Cookies & Cream bar 😍 Post 5 mile walk pre-dinner snack 😋 I forgot how amazing it is because I’ve been obsessed with the Blueberry Muffin bars. Cookies & Cream was the first protein bar I’ve ever had, which was post surgery when I was getting my meds filled at CVS. I was lucky they sold Quest bars because I was HANGRY! Before, I’d never eat a Quest bar (or any other bar) because it was “too high calorie” and I couldn’t justify “wasting” calories on a bar but now - I’ll eat ALL the Quest bars as they’ve been a lifesaver in recovery from my surgery to make sure I get the extra protein my body needs as it heals 🙌 I’ve had better days than today. I’m swollen and in pain - I have no idea why but I’m thankful I have an appointment with my breast surgeon tomorrow 💖 This cording is driving me CRAZY. Painful, limited range of motion, the hard lines under my skin 🙄 Very lucky if this is my only complication though 🙌 Anxiety has been higher today, pretty sure it’s my post Mastectomy hormones coming to wreck me again 🙄Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since my Mastectomy - time has flown by. I thought I’d be 100% by now, I thought wrong - or maybe this is my new normal though I could live without the pain 💖 #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery #onaquest #protein #proteinbar #cookies #chocolate #questbar #cookiesandcream #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #selfcare #selflove https://www.instagram.com/p/BnrptUgFZzk/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1o6ttiaxhhgnz

[kristenfights]

It’s hard to believe today is 7 weeks post DMX with DTI Reconstruction. I thought by 4 weeks I’d be back to my normal self - I can laugh at that thought now because I was completely WRONG. I’m still not even half way there - though I am very thankful for my progress. I owe it to my plastic surgeon for scaring me into eating all of the protein and lowering the carbs so my reactive hypoglycemia would stay in check meaning less complicated healing. I’ve had a few bumps in the road - the cording I’m currently experiencing, the blood blister (THANK YOU BODY for not being necrosis - Since I was too neurotic to quit vaping nicotine a month before my surgery and quit 6 hours before 🤭) that I had to treat with Santyl but overall I’m very happy with how my foobs have turned out. I’m still confined to my 2014 (judge me, buying food is more important than buying bras) sports bras - it actually hurts not wearing a bra. I’ve walked 2 miles the past 4 days as well as cleaned. I haven’t touched nicotine or medical marijuana in 7 weeks 😭 Before surgery, I thought I was healthy - that was a lie. I couldn’t go an hour without eating without my blood sugar plummeting, I vaped my face off, I worked out for 2.5 hours a day every single day, I lived off of carbs (the vicious cycle of low blood sugar over and over) - absolutely none of that was healthy. I may be underweight, I may still have bad ED thought days, but I appreciate and love my body for all that it does rather than how it looks. I lost all of my muscle and stamina, so what? I’ll get it back when I’m able to hit the gym without pain. I’m in a good place mentally, a better place than I’ve been since I can remember and I’m happy. #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #recovery #edwarrior #edrecovery #ednos #anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mmj #adultswitheds #bopo #bodypositivity #selflove #scars #stretchmarks #looseskin #fitness #fitnessjourney #positivevibes https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnb6-JWFVS0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1t0aec8hzp51n

[kristenfights]

Oh hey medical ID bracelet I have to wear the rest of my life 💖 Today is a better day - mentally & physically. For the first time ever I drove to my psychiatrist appointment alone. Of course I experienced anxiety but I overcame it to come home and drink a cup of pumpkin spice coffee ☕️ Coffee = self care to me. Psychiatrist has been nagging me about my weight loss, as if I didn’t just have my tits full of tumors cut off of my body. I’ve been asked monthly if I’m bulimic for the past 6 years (one ED I have thankfully never suffered from) because I guess it’s hard to believe someone can be natural thin and suffer from emetophobia 🙄 Also nagging me about getting blood work - I’m not there yet mentally, being afraid of needles and knowing it has to go into my leg/foot (fear of the unknown). Today a nurse asked me how I prepared for my Mastectomy at such a young age. I told her I didn’t, which is the truth. I didn’t know if I wanted Reconstruction until my plastic surgeon was literally marking me up in pre-op when I was pumped full of good drugs and thought “Fuck it, let’s do this!”. I packed a bag full of food (yes, that’s what was important to me) that I didn’t eat because the hospital food was amazing, bought a travel pillow for on the way home, and brought my Grandma’s Eagles blanket I sleep with every night since she passed away. I didn’t prepare meals ahead of time, didn’t buy surgical bras (which is why I’m STILL wearing bras from my 2014 lumpectomy), didn’t buy pillows - absolutely nothing. Why? I was in denial, some days I think I still am or maybe hearing I had breast cancer and getting over my biggest fear (surgery, specifically general anesthesia and 8.5 hours of it at that). I’m so lucky to have had my husband and family that first week of recovering. My husband for going out and buying me pillows before I came home, my family got bringing me things I needed and helping me. Very lucky. I’m very thankful I’m a stronger woman now 💖 #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #fear #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #positivevibes #pumpkinspice https://www.instagram.com/p/BnmOXbEl0SO/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7ma1fjibc05r

[kristenfights]

Bad body image day 💔 Anxious, depressed, in pain. I dislike everything about my body today - including my foobs (probably because the pain they’re causing me today). I’m still keeping a positive outlook - for every negative thought I replace it with a positive. Practiced self care with a long shower, a 40 minute walk on the treadmill, and a warm pumpkin spice coffee because I love my body and all it does for me. On a lighter note, found an old sweatshirt in my closet, cut it into a crop top 😊 The weather has a chill, is rainy and beautiful ☔️ Appointments the rest of the week - the life of a breast cancer survivor. #mastectomy #foobs #breastcancersurvivor #breastcancer #fightlikeagirl #anxiety #depression #ednos #mentalhealth #recovery #edwarrior #edrecovery #bopo #bodypositive #selflove #selfcare #loveyourself https://www.instagram.com/p/BnjmJslFXuE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=jm5ymr64ya6x

[kristenfights]

Today I was able to get 45 minutes and a bit over 2 miles of cardio in at a speed of 3.3mph. I could breathe better than I could yesterday, except now my entire body is one big muscle spasm so I’m enjoying a pumpkin spice coffee while watching ID 🎃🧡 I wish it was nicer outside and not 100*, my seasonal depression (yes, it’s related to summer) is acting up. When I found out my Mastectomy date was right in the middle of the summer I couldn’t have been happier - I could skip summer this year! Now it’s September, I feel better by the day but the weather is not good for my mental health but it’s okay, I know it’ll feel like fall soon and everything will be beautiful 🧡 #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #edwarrior #edrecovery #ednos #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #positivity #fitness #fitnessjourney #bopo #bodypositivity #nike #pumpkinspice https://www.instagram.com/p/BnZQpB9FrVz/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1gutn36xo7pq7

[kristenfights]

Today I was able to exercise and get my blood flowing. Not to burn calories, but to start getting active again since it’s way too hot to go on a walk outside 😔 I am no where near the stamina I was at - 5 miles a day. I tapped out at 40 minutes, 3mph at 2 miles. I didn’t realize how having these implants would impact me physically - towards the end it felt like I could breathe which I initially felt when I couldn’t sleep very early on post op because I felt like I was being smothered/had a weight on my chest but I know I’ll get there and also be able to work on my abs and arms again. I’m just thankful I am able to walk the 2 miles a day, that I’m able to clean (except vacuum). On to the next - Biocorneum. I was skeptical at first. I felt horrible spending $105 on it but my plastic surgeon highly recommended that I use it. I’ve only been using it for 4 days and I’ve already noticed a difference in my scarring - they’re way less raised than they were! I’m just hoping this tube lasts me awhile (a little does go a long way!) because that’s a steep price to pay for scar treatment. Also, I’m self inflicted confined to my sports bra 24/7 again out of fear that my foobs will drop if I don’t wear a bra all of the time 😣 Maybe if I had somewhere special to go I’d give it up for a few hours but I’ve been through too much to need another surgery or mess anything up - which is why I’m also following my PS’s recommendation high protein diet. My cording in my right breast where my lymph nodes were taken has been absolutely hell the past 2 days but I see my breast surgeon next Friday so I’m hoping to start physical therapy! I’m feeling the positivity lately and I am so thankful 💖 #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fitness #cardio #fitnessjourney #biocorneum #scars #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #ednos #bopo #bodypositivity #loveyourself #positivevibes https://www.instagram.com/p/BnWrjZgFa3a/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=y57j6jn4826r

[kristenfights]

Since my double mastectomy I’ve been struggling with horrible body image issues. I remember the first time I was able to take a shower - 13 days after my surgery and sitting under the water for an hour crying at the sight of my foobs, of my medication induced bloated body. Later that day, I learned I had cancer. My perspective changed but I still struggle with how much my body has changed in just 6 weeks. All of the excess skin from my 122 pound weight loss hanging off of my body, the lack of range of motion in my arms, getting tired and out of breath just walking 2 miles or shopping. I’m grateful for all of my body does for me, has done for me, and continues to do for me. This is why I show my body love back, by nourishing it with the food it needs to heal and not letting ED win. Dear body, as I’m forced to eat healthy I’m sorry for ever restricting foods I loved - I want all of the carbs without consequence of my blood sugar dropping and not properly healing. I may not love my body at the moment, the way it looks, the way it feels, getting adjusted to my new “normal” - but I’m trying. I love what my body does for me, I love my scars as it’s proof of my strength, I love my stretch marks as they’re proof of my will, I love my mind and how mentally strong I’ve gotten. I’m remaining positive, I’m not restricting and I refuse to, I know and keep telling myself soon I’ll be strong enough to get my muscles back and I’ll continue eating all the Quest bars and dark chocolate M&M’s I want because life is about balance 💜 #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #recovery #fuckcancer #edwarrior #edrecovery #ednos #adultswitheds #bopo #bodypositivity #selflove #positivevibes #foobs #anxiety #depression #mentalhealth https://www.instagram.com/p/BnUJIJxlTAN/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xrscb9yjx9qu