doctorsickx

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The words, the colors, the sun

fail to showcase my heartbreak

when I have yet to accept it as mine

and only mine to grieve.

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THIS. THIS. THIS. I want to plaster this on my face.

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I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

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It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.

Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.

Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.

I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.

Another person to grieve.

Another relationship to remember, woefully.

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And many, many valleys of sorrow and mountains of death.

Marina Tsvetaeva, from a diary entry featured in Earthly Signs Moscow Diaries, 1917-1922

[doctorsickx]

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Gentle Spirit

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Low and low, I sink

lo and behold, I crumble.

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kinda wanna leave. kinda wanna ghost everyone. kinda wanna rot under a blanket. kinda wanna feel loved. kinda wanna feel wanted. kinda wanna

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*goes through a hard time*

Me: I must be pretending

*feels incredibly lonely and wants to talk to someone*

Me: ew I'm too needy and weak

*experiences shitloads of emotional pain*

Me: stfu you're not a baby, gulp it down alone like an adult

[doctorsickx]

Tw: abuse

Just survived a couple hours with my abuser while casually chitchatting around family. I need to run away.

[doctorsickx]

[doctorsickx]

yes, please

Craving entertainment but having absolutely no interest in anything

Kill me

[doctorsickx]

yeah

i wanna lay under my blanket and die

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Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.

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How accurate.

- j (x)