dinosaurchurch

[dinosaurchurch]

It's hard to believe that there's only two months left of 2024. Looking back on the rest of the year it seems almost like a blur at this point. A lot had happened, I moved house in the spring to another town, finished the prequel arc of DIVE, and even got to spend time exploring the new neighbourhood that I live in. Summer was gorgeous this year, it's why I think my art took such a back seat (my lifting too sadly although I did get into cycling more so at least I was doing something).

I think this year is the year I really buckled down on my bad habits, even if it's been one thing at a time. Something I never really talked about was the sheer fact that over the course of the pandemic I didn't save a dime, I didn't want to admit that I used retail therapy a little too much. That's one thing that I wanted to kick this year instead of racking up my own personal debt due to my bad spending habits. It's something that even my late father was guilty of that I happened to dip in as well. Don't get me wrong, I know I absolutely could be in a worse position than what I'm already in (I do have a decent paying job) but I've come to the realization that there's certain goals that I won't be able to accomplish if I don't kick this habit so that's the main reason why I've got to nip it in the bud so to speak.

Everyone has their vice. I will admit I almost feel like someone who's going to rehab for an addiction at this point but it's got to be done. I told myself that I was going to make better habits and hold myself more responsible. I've been critical on others for breaking their word and yet I've done it myself, I don't think it's fair of me to snap at others when I'm just a guilty but I guess that's human nature. Doesn't mean I've got to make an excuse for it though, it's lovely being to buy what I like considering I grew up in a really poor family.

I remember being a kid wanting what others had, you could definitely say I was envious of those that could afford the nice things - new clothes, nice toys, live in a spacious house. Having everything second hand save for my undergarments was not something I'd ever want to put a kid through if I could help it, being poor sucked. You get bullied for it and the fact that you get very little choice of what you actually get to have is also kinda shite - I love being able to express myself how I want to, not limited to what someone else deems because I've got to take their old stuff off of their hands and that's my choices. Like I'm not knocking thrift shops or anything of the sort but it's definitely awkward when you get your older cousins clothes who's much bigger than you and the opposite gender and that was what you had to make due with.

Growing up poor was definitely a humbling experience as well, don't get me wrong, it made me appreciate the luxuries I do get to enjoy these days. Like buying real maple syrup instead of that corn syrup shite, what a blessing. Or getting to buy the nice shampoos that smell amazing instead of the dollar store 2 in 1 crap, my hair thanks me everyday for that. I think head and shoulders actually gave me dandruff instead of getting rid of it but I digress. life can definitely be a struggle.

I'm just glad that I've got the self awareness to be able to point out where I need improvement. It's going to be hard to do what I need to do but when is doing what's right ever been easy? I don't think there ever has been a time where life will be a complete cakewalk and I'll get to fully enjoy the fruits of my labour.

There's a lot that I have planned but I'm not wearing myself thin trying to accomplish what I want either to the point of exhaustion. I've done that enough in the past to know I'll crash and burn if I try, one thing at a time. As much as I need to form better habits (one being to quit grabbing lunch on the go so often) I know that I've got to take it in bite sized portions and do what I can within reach instead of trying to chew it all off at once. That's the worst thing about being as stubborn and ambitious as I am - you overwhelm yourself to where there's no possible way to complete everything on the list and some of it ends up being half assed.

Part of being kind to yourself is self discipline. It's one thing to point out someone mistakes but it's another to do it with yourself.

I know who I am and where I'm going. It's going to take a while but I know I can do it.

Wish me luck.

[dinosaurchurch]

PERSONAL UPDATE:

I haven't hardly drawn a thing since the beginning of the summer but I decided to finally break that streak. I also decided to sort of opt out of the October Art Challenge that I've been doing the past handful of years now since I've been very busy with other matters. I think I'm still going to be filling out some sketch pads but I'm not crunching it out in a month, I'll absolutely admit to folks that last year when I did the art challenge I had some pretty bad hand cramps - I don't usually draw much during the summer months since I'm outside a lot.

I've got some projects on the back burner that I need to return to that I want to get into first. It was nice that I know I can complete a drawing a day if I wanted to but I don't think I'm out of practice bad enough to warrant drawing 24/7.

Getting back to the comic is definitely one now that both the 5th and the prequel arc are finished (I'm currently cracking into the 'inverse' version of DIVE where the protag and the antag swap places). I've got a lot planned, and I do want to use my time more wisely in the future so I'll be doing just that. I'm also hoping to update more often in general considering I don't post very much.

But I digress, I'm sure I'll elaborate in a future post.

Happy Halloween everyone!

It's been a hot minute since I've drawn anything (I haven't hardly touched my tablet or a sketch pad since the beginning of the summer). I decided to cook up Corento for this year's piece, he's an animal whisperer of sorts so I thought him chillin with some bats suited. I had to look up some ref for the bats but overall I'm pretty happy with how this turned out.

Enjoy the candy coma!

Cheers!

[dinosaurchurch]

Today marks the first day of autumn, my favourite time of the year.

We’ve been feeling the nip of colder weather here on the east coast especially during the night. Summer was lovely albeit very hot so I’m personally looking forward to the cozy evenings with hot lattes and crisp fall mornings.

I can’t wait to see the leaves change colour once again.

[dinosaurchurch]

Thirty-one trips around the sun.

It's funny, I think only the past year I really felt like I was an adult. I could officially say I 'grew up'.

Thirty was an interesting year being the first time in over a decade I moved towns or the first time I left my country and spent significant time in a non English speaking culture. I feel like I needed that shift considering during the beginning half of last year I knew I had the mental fortitude to stand on my own legs and leave my lifting group or to give myself the leeway on grieving my father's death - both of which seem surreal to me now but they've grounded me in the sense that nothing lasts forever and my life is in my hands regardless of what people say. I don't have to sit down and take something I don't need, I'm in charge of my future even if that doesn't sit well with some folks. Some times the best thing to do is to burn the bridge without an remorse of what you've done, to wipe your hands clean of negative influences within your life.

Over my twenties I learned to forgive others but it's only now that I'm learning to forgive myself. I've been very harsh on myself in the past, saying in my own head that if I don't accomplish 'x' then I've failed. In reality I'm only one person and there's times where I've stretched myself thin over nothing. It doesn't mean I shouldn't try but I've come to know that my standards and everyone else's are typically two separate things. I need to do things because I want to do them, not because I think the other person will appreciate them or I'll face burnout and lose my drive. I've done that for too long where I didn't even realize that I wasn't doing things for myself and it's lead to me crashing and burning with my own sanity at the stake. I have to put myself first.

The past year was more about finding my direction more than anything. I had to think more about the long term, where did I want to go from here? What did I want to enjoy in the meantime while I work towards my goals? It might but funny of me to say it now considering a decade ago I wanted all the grandeur of life but now I just want the simple - to be able to slow down and savour the moment while it's here. To stop and sniff the roses because a lot of people miss the forest for the trees so to speak. To witness the beauty of life as a whole.

I've humbled a lot over the years but last year really has set the bar for just how grounded I've become. I long for the surreal moments of just getting to experience life through my five senses. To be here to feel the wind through my hair and witness the dawn approach on another day is something magical. Time isn't slowing down and although I still have my youth about me because I take care of myself physically, life doesn't last forever so I might as well soak up what I can while I'm here.

The last thing that I keep that makes me still feel like a kid is my childlike wonder for the world around me. If there's something out there I can sink my fingers into, you can bet I'm doing it. I'll forever have that adventurous streak and I know I'll be leaning into that with the future in mind, I refuse to be bored in life.

I may have tucked away my childhood but that doesn't mean I have to give way to being a slave to my job or ceasing to enjoy my downtime. I think my thirties are going to be a lot of fun, I've got a lot planned for myself even if I don't have a lot of my goals set in stone, I'll be going where ever life takes me.

Who knows where I'll be next year.

I'm not going to let the unknown intimidate me.

Cheers.

[dinosaurchurch]

Sunset at Topsail Beach.

August 8th 2024.

[dinosaurchurch]

Biscan Cove Path.

July 18th 2024.

The summer has been hot, I did a 14km hike in 35ºC heat. It was humid and sticky but was worth it. Just don’t forget sunscreen and lots of water!

[dinosaurchurch]

Every summer I book off a staycation, last year I went to Germany at the end of August. This year I didn't have anything planned and it was lovely. Got to spend some time with my pals, enjoy the sunshine (I actually got sunburnt in the last photo), and stretch the legs getting down to some of my favourite trails.

It might've rained for half the time I had off but I enjoyed my time. I cannot tell you what was my favourite part, the whole thing was lovely and I'd definitely do again.

I'm looking forward to the next staycation.

Until then,

Cheers!

June 24th 2024 - July 10th 2024

[dinosaurchurch]

Two weeks ago (I totally meant to post about it before now) I finished the prequel arc. The trials and tribulations of Schoukannaderou (the main antag to DIVE) before she gets sealed away have concluded.

I really enjoyed writing this and it funny enough ended up as the second longest arc of the story. 143 pages - only the first arc is longer but it makes sense that it is, I did a lot of world building and introductions during that one.

Overall there’s quite the mix of tunes, a couple of albums really carried me through certain chapters (all of which I have a hard copy of).

[dinosaurchurch]

It's been a little while since I've made an update.

It's hard to believe that 2024 is half over. Something that I find as you get older time seems to go faster. It's been a world of difference for me being thirty compared to twenty. I've had people ask me about a lot of things, one namely being how do I stay so calm during times of stress or how do I feel about this decade so far? I feel a lot of things honestly, the world no longer holds that fleeting sense that I'm by myself but rather that I've chosen a path that's been curated for me and there will be others that will intersect with my path on occasion, but it's alright not to be the same person.

I don't write as much of these deep thoughts just because the support system I have - the people I trust have provided sufficient enough ground for me to walk on when things get rough. I think that's one of the beautiful things about when people grow together no matter the type of relationship you share with them. Nobody is perfect and we all have our struggles but it's knowing when you need to reach out and grab someone else's hand for stability that's half the battle. I've had to let down my hair so to speak and just embraced the softer side of myself over the past handful of years. The pandemic really did a number on my mental health along with losing those that were close to me via death or other means but it's something that I reflect on. Something that I like to look back upon as a lesson or turning point - a chapter of my life marked by someone or something as it overlaps another.

As people we're meant to grow and flourish, to stagnate is to die in a sense. Just as time passes so too should our thoughts of self doubt and insecurity; it's amazing getting to see that spark be ignited in someone else to be authentically themselves. That one of life's biggest points: to become the best version of you that you possibly can be and to put yourself first without compromising your integrity even if that makes an enemy out of others. I've been a person for the majority of my life that didn't let people box me in, to simply and frankly not give a fuck is one of the best feelings - that freedom to be yourself is something I think folks these days are almost afraid of. I've watched too many people get hung up on the smallest of details when they don't need to. The biggest folks that are trying to hold you back are those too insecure to face the music and live outside of someone else's shadow - the people who are envious of other people making their own happiness and finding said happiness for themselves.

There's something almost surreal about living life and getting to actually stop and sniff the roses. Over the past four years I think that's what happened to me, I was forced to slow down - almost mourning the high paced intensity that everything had provided but the pandemic ripped everything out from under my feet to the point that I was lost. Who was Vivian? I didn't know and I couldn't tell you because I had put so much stock into superficial things thinking I knew it all when I didn't. Being put in the position where I had to either sink or swim really grounded me and removed me from my rigid thoughts - the thoughts that I'd perish if everything wasn't just so. Having to let go of myself in that moment was terrifying but it had to be done.

If you never face hardship you never grow as a person.

That's something that I learned the hard way. People do a lot of preaching this 'live, laugh, love' shit and other such 'profound' or 'deep' nonsense but a lot don't truly understand what the words they speak mean. To be unapologetically yourself and having to get back on your feet is not always something you can do by yourself, for me it definitely wasn't. There came to a point that I realized that even the people that had caused me hell had been there to teach me something about life and about myself that I wouldn't of learned without them. So when people ask me if I have any regrets my answer is no, everything up to this point - the good and the bad - was worth the end result (present me). I let go of the apprehension of having to admit I needed help during that time too - that I had to reach out because I wasn't capable of being my usual 'one man army' that I was used to. If I could say anything it's I hated to fail (still kinda do) and I wasn't going to lay down and let anything stop me. Certainly not the negativity I had gone through.

My vindictive streak had almost vanished, it wasn't really until this year that I could even really say that I felt like an adult too but it's because I understand the struggle that not only I went through but that of others too. I think it's best to live life trying to make it as easy as possible for yourself and others if you can instead of seeing everything as 'every man for himself' sort of deal. Life is hard enough without trying to add and being selfish never amounts to anything good if I were to say anything.

Even the people that have done me wrong in the past (or will in the future) come from a place of hurt. Whether they've failed themselves or simply have been in a place where they feel the need to lash out I can understand where they're coming from because at one point or another that was me. Every version of you is true, to some people you were terrible and others - fantastic. What you chose to do with that information determines the person you are and ultimately become. The first step in growing and healing is understanding the moments where you were at your worst and not repeating them but building upon them. It takes a lot to admit you were at fault for some of the hardships within your life but to continue, you have to own up for what you've done.

Hard times have humbled me, they've kept my ego in check much better than I might've given them credit for. I still go by the mantra 'be kind, but take no shit'

Life is good. I think it's only been in recent times that I've been able to reflect upon the past without that heavy sense of longing like I was missing something from it. Now I glance back understanding that forward is the only way to go; change isn't a bad thing and we all need a bit - that's just par for the course. It's incredible how much the small things amount into something grand. From day to day I don't feel like I shift much but peering back at myself from the start of the year I would say I'm even a different person from now to then in some aspects. The further back I go, the more different I am. It's that introspection that gives me a sense of accomplishment. I've come a long way, longer than I realize.

I've begun to understand things as they are, why things happen the way they do and accept that. For a long time I didn't want to change, I couldn't stand the thought of having everything slip out of my fingers. I think that was my biggest takeaway from the pandemic years - that nothing is eternal but that's okay. Life was never meant to last forever and that's why we have to cherish what we have now. It's kind of like savouring the flavour of something in the moment and learning to appreciate that moment because you'll never know if it was a 'once in a lifetime' event or not for certain things - same goes for people.

There's been a lot of people that have been an absolute gift and even if I might've grown apart or chosen a different path from them I can appreciate the time we spent. I think that's how I view the years and memories I've shared with people on my journey too, having a very candid viewpoint is nice - sometimes it's good to just live in the moment.

It's good to just live for yourself too.

Everything balances out in the end - the good, the bad, and even everything in between. It feels lovely to not let the little things worry me like they used to, it's really given be a different perspective on life and how to go about my own happiness.

It's nice to be here...

[dinosaurchurch]

It’s officially the first day of summer and on cue we’ve got a 30ºC+ day ahead of us here on the Newfoundland east coast. The weather for June has been lovely, absolutely perfect for hiking.

I’m not usually a fan of the super hot weather but as always make sure you slap on the sunscreen or stay hydrated. Don’t forget to bring snacks while you’re out and about too if you’re going to be like me hitting the trails. Carbs and some salty snacks are your friends!

I’m excited to be getting to the warm months of the year and enjoying nature in full bloom.

Cheers!

[dinosaurchurch]

Happy Earth Day!

I’m happy to call the rugged island of Newfoundland my home on this little marble floating around in space. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way!

[dinosaurchurch]

A year ago I said goodbye to my father. He would've been sixty-one his birthday this year.

It's strange for me to say it that the further away an event gets the more fuzzy my memories become, this I feel is no different in that regard. There's times where small details become blurry to me until I'm reminded of them (it's partly why I take so many pictures of the people and the places I've witnessed). The things I wrote at the time of his passing I no longer cry over when I read them. It's almost as if I'm remembering the moment through a foggy pane of glass when it comes to my emotions, I remember the heartache but I can't make myself feel like that now when reminiscing on the event. I don't know if it's because I'm not at all an emotionally inclined individual (I've never been super in touch with my emotions, it still takes me a while to digest them) or perhaps this is something everyone goes through as grief and time passes.

I remember my nostalgic streak biting back hard at the time as the floodgates of memories opened up on everything little thing I thought I had forgotten. Things from my childhood cropping up that I didn't realized I missed until I really thought about them and what they provided. Even through the rocky times and the moments where I wanted to hate my father so much I found I just couldn't, a part of me truly is soft deep down inside much to the dismay or judgements of others.

One of the things I promised myself was to not make the same mistakes as my old man; That I'd embrace my faults and not let them get the best of me but rather understand them and do what I can with them to make life easier if I could. It's difficult for me to put this into words but it's the sense of having foresight to know what I should do spite it being hard because of what I've witnessed other people doing.

There was a lot of potential I believe my father had (just like anyone) but in the end he wasn't able to achieve that, I think that was one of the things that hurt the most is seeing him crumble away into fruitless desires and inevitably force a wedge between him and others. It's that self destructiveness and the passiveness to not change course that eventually takes it's toll on the people around you even without you realizing it, perhaps that's why as much as I frankly don't give a shit about other people and what they think of me I still try to make life as pleasant as possible if I can. Life isn't worth living if everything has to be done out of spite or out of your own vindictiveness. I don't think so anyways especially now that I've gotten older and I've mellowed over the years.

A person's death is one of those strange occurrences that shifts your mindset and is something that you can't really prepare for or fully explain to someone if they haven't experienced it for themselves. Sure, everyone mourns differently - hell even some other species do like elephants or wolves but it's that connection being severed that places a solid ground for people. Sometimes it's fear that you really are here for a limited time, that sense of your own mortality or that deep sense of connection with those around you as people come out of the dark to comfort you in your hour of need.

I've had people ask me if I'm afraid to go, but frankly it's not me I'm afraid for but rather who I'm going to leave behind and the kind of state they'll be in. I don't want to leave others unable to cope once I'm gone, I want them to be strong and remember me for the small yet impactful things I might've done. Even if it's just one person that I changed the course through some strange turn of events for the better that would be good enough for me.

I think my father's death really put things into perspective for me that no matter how much prep time I have for something, I'll never truly be prepared. Life is funny enough like that overall, it's why I've had to loosen up the reigns on myself and having to have everything scheduled - there's no point, it should be a strong guideline but not set in stone if you can help it.

One of the more interesting things that I don't think people talk about much is how one person can keep other people in touch and connected with one another. You take that person out of the equation and you drop other pieces completely. There's now an entire part of my family that doesn't talk to me or some of the other people now that my father is gone and I don't know if I ever will talk to them again. I'm not someone to go chasing others to get their attention, I've done enough of that to last me a lifetime. Some people really are the glue that keeps everyone together, it's incredible what kind of small yet loud impact someone can have on your life even if they're not super close to you.

The biggest takeaway from all of this is no matter how long it's been, a part of you will always long for the person that's gone. I think how I handled it will be a lot different from a lot of people because I have my emotions buried so deep. I tend not to show how I feel but I still feel deeply about the moment, it was bad enough that a small handful of people thought I didn't care. That always struck me as jarring and is definitely one thing I'll forever remember about my father's passing is how little I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not that I don't intend to, it's just how I am, how I've been and probably how I always will be.

Hopefully where ever he is he's resting easy. He might not of been perfect by any means - none of us are - but I like to think that the soul heals over time even on the other side...

Cheers.

[dinosaurchurch]

Taking a trip on the subway in Frankfurt. This was actually the first and only time I've ever taken the tube.

September 1st 2023.

[dinosaurchurch]

Downtown Frankfurt.

September 1st 2023.

[dinosaurchurch]

The past month was incredibly hectic. I finally moved house (something that I had been contemplating for a while now). The event upended a lot of my comforts but thankfully it didn't take long for me to find my footing again. If there's one thing I do have to say is I hope I don't have to move for another long time, it's always so hectic with the packing and the cleaning. Frankly it's one of my least favourite things to do.

March is done and 2024 is rolling along faster than I expected. So much has changed within the past year, to think that last March I left my lifting group and was mentally preparing myself to mourn for a family member. It's bizarre to think that's the kind of headspace I had during this time last year compared to now reaching my usual equilibrium.

I've got a couple of goals I'd like to work on now that I've got more spare time. It's nice, didn't think I'd move so soon but I like to think that everything happens for a reason. I don't know what the rest of the year is going to be like; how it'll unfold but I'm looking forward to it.

Cheers!

[dinosaurchurch]

Driving on the Autobahn back to Frankfurt.

August 31st 2023.

[dinosaurchurch]

Salzburg fortress and the view of the city from the top.

August 30th 2023.