creativetona

[creativetona]

The medicines that my Rheumatologist sent me are working, the brain fog is going away and I'm starting to feel creative again. Gonna make some cool shit today. forshuuure. What good is treasure if you keep it for yourself? And then I look at my art and I think, I want my pieces to still be around 100 years from now. I want them to have a message & I want them to be seen as pieces that define the times We lived.

me 

[creativetona]

Imagine A Story where,

its 2021: Tired of being scared of the outside world, She decides that her illnesses do not define her. She vamps her resume & gets her dream job abroad; 29 & tied to nothing, leaving behind a love she wants to get back to but she can’t turn this opportunity down. Assisting the Director of an Art Magazine that has shaped the lives of starving artists, just like her. She believes this experience will open her mind to her potential-since everyone around her sees it but her.

Her hard loving heart blinds her from seeing things at times for what they are.

The sad part is that when she gets back, the love of her life is in the arms of another women. She contemplates her life but how could she expect for him to wait on her? Life moves on and Love did not wait.

What we all learn is that we can’t put our dreams on hold for love. There are things that are out of our control but God knows what He is doing, so he surprises her with an unexpected love the moment she fully surrenders.

He doesn’t belittle her.

He doesn’t leave her broken during difficult times.

He makes plan for a future, that involves the happiness of both parties.

She can’t have kids but dedicates her life to creating opportunities for kids & an environment where kids can develop their artistic skills in a loving, un- judgemental environment. 

Would you watch this movie?

[creativetona]

This laptop & my fingers typing these words...is the realest relationship I have. I can say anything I want here, I can express anything in full honesty, without the fear of having my words invalidated.

I want to be better

[creativetona]

You're Pretty but they can't handle the story behind the pretty, behind the beautiful mystery of eyes that have seen & Felt too much. I hope one day I am strong enough to walk away. Again, from a heartbreak where I gave too much, lost too much & because of my love I gained too little. He said I was a liar this morning because I set my alarm clock 30 minutes before the time he approved of, he told me with anger in his eyes, hate in every word, he tore me down with the words "Eat it". Left the house with no remorse of how broken I felt. Because I deserved it, I lied and said the clock was set for 8. I laughed ignoring his seriousness because I do that out of defense to soften up a mood. I use to be a sweet girl, that people believed, that people could count on, the christian girl who would never smoke weed. The harder I try to get back to that place the more I feel the devil pulling me back where he wants me. Sad, confused & emotionally destroyed. Many times I ask myself & I ask God what happened to me. But I know this answer, the world really does corrupt you. This is why we aren't to be one with the world but be one with His word & Promises.  My prayers are stronger though now because I see what I'm fighting up against, with an apology as soon as I start "God I know I havent been praying as much...." I just want to be where I was & be a person with integrity again because I feel I've lost it. I want to be a better person, someone who is worthy of being loved correctly. I wish I could turn off all my wounds, its like their memories never give in. They bleed, pop up and remind me of things I never want to think about anymore. Because I want better, I want to live a life people are proud of but this cloud of sadness never goes away. I am also just beginning to learn that I can't find this healing in other people, I have to pray harder & find it for myself.

I’m on my knees God.

[creativetona]

How beautiful, would it be to live in a place like this. Away from the chaos of the world.

why can't I just live in a castle, have a greenhouse, grow plants there, be a bookworm and collect my own library, bake muffins for breakfast and live my best life?

[creativetona]

If you live with your partner and have through -out this pandemic; coming home means being each other's peace.

Me

[creativetona]

its like David painted my Quarantine Life.

David Hettinger

[creativetona]

I still can’t believe...

that a virus took over the world. That one day 50 years from now this will be the topic in a highschool history class: The 2020 Pandemic.

& what was I doing? As I tried not to loose my mind like one of the last nights I went drinking with my girls...I was drunk, overly emotional & somehow as me and my two high school best friends parked at my apartment as we came back from a night of partying; the virus became the topic of the conversation. I was in the back seat when I had a panic attack. This was in february, I was still working & was actually becoming worried because the spa where I worked hadnt approved the list of supplies I asked for the in the last team email; After a conversation the supervisor thought was funny: I told them we needed gloves & hand sanitizer. I actually had mentioned it in the last two meetings we had and at this point AMAZON was beginning to sell out. Only third party suppliers had these supplies & they were being sold way too expensive. 

Anyways back to the night with my friends, this was the night it all hit me & after that my body & mind went on survival mode. I then began to rely on my only way of finding peace in my 300 square foot studio apartment: Praying & doing my art....or singing.

This is how I survived the Quarantine. What was I doing? I dug through my art to find myself. I woke the fuck up dawg. This shit still blows my mind, the whole world is awakening.

[creativetona]

I can't complain when I work, with the world how it is. I'm forever grateful to have a job. So I will go everyday...Even if it's not what I'm passionate about it-it's a sacrifice all artists have to make. To balance our responsibilities while we work by night to make our dreams come true.

me 

[creativetona]

Como quisiera verte conocido mas Tia, cada dia que paso siento que te conozco en los colores del cielo. La otra noche el cielo paresia un fuego, colores anaranjados, amarillos con un rojo mezclado con morado-el arte que solo lo hace un Dios del universo...me recordo a ti. Y lo tanto que soy como tu. Como mi madre y las mujeres que todas crecimos a ser. Somos una familia de flores unicas-Venezolanas Guerreras.

My History, My Heritage 1991 Ocumare, Venezuela.

[creativetona]

I look at the plants I've been taking care of...you can tell when I don't water them so I make sure I do because thats my favorite way to decorate my house, with greenery. But I stare at them harder now and I see myself. My little jungle won't grow unless I tend to it, unless I take care of it & each of the plant's specific needs. They are all different, in size, in color, the amount of sunlight & watering that they need. Like all of us.  I love people so for a very long time I just focused on what I can give the world and all the people around me. But as I've gotten older, wiser...I've realized that the main way I could love people is by taking care of myself, my peace, my needs. To water my knowledge & deepen my understanding of the world, its its state & grow closer to the ones around me. In order to love...fill your cup up with things you can positively pour into the world. Then the love you pour will be the magic that you leave the world with.

me

[creativetona]

I was thinking, I am happy but I'm living in defense that it could all end at a glimpse. I'm the happiest I've been in a while actually. So it makes me even more afraid of losing the things I love. How do I explain myself? I remind myself to live in the moment and to continue to dream, to love, to inspire but the devil on my shoulder tells me to stop living a fairytale when the God of the Universe is also telling me to dream harder. Because there is something so much greater, to fight the tears and fight as hard as I can because what is coming can impact the lives of people around the world.

me

[creativetona]

The two feelings we live for, a kiss and the rain.

Fill me with rain my sad and agonizing heart.

poetry-siir ©

Lléname de lluvia mi triste y agonizante corazón.

poetry-siir ©

[creativetona]

Poem Love Hour #1

Look at the life you’ve created

but first,

You are the Artist God created

Maybe this is the secret to life

Maybe we should let it all come to light

this life is to precious to leave it behind

Its time for the world 

to dissolve all bitterness 

and learn to be kind.

We are all humans and 

My dream is for all to see eye to eye.

Times aren’t perfect 

But I have hope one day we won’t be dreamin’ 

and it’ll all be alright.

-A.Y.C

[creativetona]

Life, A Year After the Pandemic Began...

There is a lot going on in the world, energetically. I feel we are all being manipulated to look where we are told to look, learn what we are being told to learn, to believe what we are being told to believe...To be honest every time I turn on the news I simply don’t trust anything I see.

I was having a conversation with my dad once and it was about him deciding to take us out of Venezuela in the early 90′s due to communism.

He said, I feel the guilt for taking you out of one mess to another. “I’m sorry hija” He said to me, my dad is very sentimental...so It was like I could feel his heart breaking as he told me this. And I responded “ Papi, we would have never known this was going to happen, but I can assure you...God has a plan & we were meant to be the people living through this very moment in time. We were chosen to live through this mess & tell the story. People in the future are going to count on us to tell it accurately. ”

I believe in change & second chances. I believe this country was and continues to be a saving grace to millions, like it has been for my Venezuelan family since we migrated to New York in 1993. Also, I can’t imagine being diagnosed with Lupus back in Venezuela-when insulin can’t be found, water stops flowing & people are killing each other for food. This country is my saving grace, I will continue to build here for myself & my family- for the sake of all the generations coming after me. Venezuelan blood, but my flag is here on these borrowed grounds where I am growing blessings of my own & breaking generational chains with the grace of God.

I have lots of work to do. oxox

[creativetona]

The thing is that my parents always taught me to believe I could do anything, if we would have stayed in Venezuela...things would be so different. But here, I have to do the best with what they’ve given me.

[creativetona]

No, not my MRI Dawg.

The Orthopedic doctor I saw a couple weeks ago gave me an order to get an MRI...Off I was to make this appointment. it took almost 3 weeks but I was finally able to get an appointment for this morning at 11:45 AM.

Sweating bullets because, my follow up for the orthopedic is on Thursday. MRIs take approximately 48 hours to have the results. Close call but it was booked. 

The only thing left to do was by the orthopedic office, they needed to call my insurance right after to make sure the order for the MRI went through & approved. These are so expensive y’all. Im so grateful it can be covered.

This morning, when i’m suppose to have this MRI. They call me to say the orthopedic office had not called therefore MY APPOINTMENT was cancelled & we rescheduled.

Our bodily pains aren’t taken seriously, the only thing I pray is that my body gives me enough time to figure it out.

MRI- was postponed for the beginning of April-but good thing is that I get the results for last week’s obgyn sonograms too. :) it’ll be a heavy week of appointments but we goooot thissssssssss.