caesar-is-hollow

[caesar-is-hollow]

Catching Up

Day 11: The meaning behind your blog name

I'm a huge nerd (obviously) and one of my favorite topics is name origins and meanings.

One of my favorite movie franchises is Planet of the Apes, the original ones. Don't get me wrong, I love the newer ones too. Andy Serkis is phenomenal, there are just more of the old ones and they have a really special charm.

Anyway. That's where Caesar comes from. He's obviously my favorite character. Played by Roddy McDowell in the originals. He also played his own father. Well, he played Caesar's dad before Caesar was born.

When I decided to change my name, I went with Corey, short for Cornelius, Caesar's dad. It fits me. Seriously considered Caesar as a middle name. That's still up in the air.

Corey has Gaelic origins and means "in a cauldron" or "in a hollow", both fitting for who I am as a person. Hollow also happens to be part of the name I use for my business.

There ya go.

Day 12: Advice for people starting out (in your profession)

Well, I'm unemployed and disabled. So.

Do nothing. I guess.

Also have a condition that causes you constant pain.

Actually, dont. I don't recommend it.

Day 13: How to ____

Survive a horror movie:

I feel like this might be cheating, but just..Randy Meeks. That is all.

Day 14: 5 blogs you read regularly and why

I'm gonna be honest. I don't read blogs. The only time I even get to blogs is when a Pinterest link leads me to one. And even then I usually skip through to get to what I was actually interested in. (No, I don't care about your favorite season or how much you like cats. Give me the fucking recipe, Karen! I'm very happy 'jump to recipe' now exists.)

So I'm just gonna go with YouTube channels.

Good Mythical Morning-I watch every single day while I eat breakfast and usually watch More during lunch. If we wanna get really technical, that's two channels. If we wanna get REALLY technical, I watch everything Mythical puts out.

Moriah Elizabeth-This is probably the only other channel I watch as soon as a new video is uploaded. Moriah is my age and she was one of the first YouTubers I ever watched, way back when she was doing Wreck This Journal. Now she has her own art prompt book, among other things. I'm so proud of how far she's come.

Drawing Wiff Waffles- This is my go-to calming watch. She has a very soothing voice and fun personality and I just really enjoy watching her process in real-time because I feel like most art Youtubers do voiceovers and heavily edit. I also sometimes binge her and Kasey Golden to fall asleep. You're welcome for the free views.

Molly Roberts- Molly is an absolute delight. If you've never watched one of her videos, go do it! It's like getting hugged through the screen.

LexPlay- This one is new, due to the Animal Crossing obsession.

Day 15: Your top 5 productivity tips

I'm going to try to be serious with this one, but it's not like I'm the king of focus.

Watch How to ADHD on youtube. Even if you don't have ADHD, she has awesome tips for time management.

Use a pomodoro timer. This has been an absolute game-changer for me. I almost race to see how much I can get done in 25 minutes. It also helps to have something fun to do on the 5 minute breaks.

Turn off your phone (or otherwise disable internet, etc.) One of the perks of ADHD is object permanence. Well, sometimes it's a perk. For example, if I've been spending too much time on Facebook, I will turn on music on my phone and sit it down. This hacks my object permanence by telling it that the phone no longer exists because it's being used as a radio. Pretty rad.

Delete Facebook. Or whatever social media app is your crutch. I get so much more done when I don't see that little blue square every time I unlock my screen. I was seriously addicted.

Reward yourself. I used to be someone who would "eat the frog" and try to get the most intimidating task out of the way first. I still do, to some extent, but now I'm less burnout because I reward myself with little bits of self-care after each task.

Day 16: If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?

My answer to this has always been the same any time I have encountered this question: Marilyn Monroe.

I've been obsessed with her since I was a little kid and love her more and more as I grow up. We have similar mental health issues, and back when I had a uterus, endometriosis. She had such a tragic life from the time she was born and was generally really misunderstood throughout her life.

She was a very intelligent woman I will defend until my last breath.

Day 17: Who is your role model and why?

I don't really have a role model.

Bigfoot. He lives his life, doesn't bother anyone, is rarely seen, and people aren't sure if he really exists. #goals

Be the cryptid you wish to see in the world.

Day 18: Best advice you received from your parents

I have never gotten good advice from my parents.

My dad taught me how to open ketchup packets and gave me my musical tastes. There.

Day 19: A wishlist

Should I just, like, link my Amazon?

Who knows what's on there tbh.

Day 20: A favorite song lyric and what it means to you

Man, this is hard. Lyrics are really my favorite part of a song in general and I love a lot of lyrics.

"I Will Dance" by Katzenjammer

This song has sort of become my anthem. It played in the car as I was leaving my ex's house for the last time and that's very fitting.

"I'm standing at the crossroads now, the fields of opportunities I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm full of hope and full of fear And bridges back have all been burned and freedom has been duly earned I'll remember why I've gone, remember where I'm coming from

Cause when the laughter's gone I know I must be moving on

And I will dance when I walk away oh I'm gonna sing I won't beg or pray I will dance when I walk away oh I'm gonna sing I won't beg or pray no more

And now I leave my mask with you The part I played I never knew Tonight you're alone"

Day 21: 5 books you recommend

Had I just waited or read ahead, I would have saved my reviews. Oops.

But here's some more anyway, mostly witchy-based.

Arin Hiscock-Murphy has a great writing style and this book just really made me happy. (I really like self-care, if you couldn't tell)

Her book of protection spells is also good and her books are really beginner-friendly.

Another one with a similar vibe. Love. Just love.

I highly recommend this one for beginners!!! It goes over all the basics plus it has a section on appropriation that I really appreciated because it's a topic that tends to get ignored quite a bit in witchcraft.

Another good author for beginners. She writes books in all sorts of witchy subjects.

And this one is random, and not particularly witchy, but it is ghosty. I'm reading it right now and I love it. I'm a big Slipknot fan, but I didn't realize how funny Corey is. He's also incredibly intelligent and has such a fun writing style. It really makes me want to read his other book.

Day 22: If you won the lottery, what would you do?

Again, my answer to this one has always been the same.

Pay off debt

Obtain tiny house/camper and disappear

Donate the rest

Day 23: What have you learned today?

It's really hard to catch up on two weeks' worth of blog posts and it takes a really long time.

[caesar-is-hollow]

Welp.

I could absolutely post more excuses and explain why I fell off track with my daily posting, but I'm not going to. Because I'm human and life happens.

Truly, I think when I work ahead, it's when I set myself up for failure. I had a queue going and about 6 drafts in progress before I completely dropped off the face of the earth.

I even got behind on MerMay. On the first freaking day. I did two drawings on May first and on the second was like, "Oh, I don't have to draw today because I did that yesterday." And then promptly forgot about the challenge entirely. Why am I like this?

Then, having plans to catch-up, I play Animal Crossing instead.

Oh well. We'll pretend this never happened and pick up where we left off once again. I have no idea how far behind I am by this point...

I should be on day 23?

My last post is...

Day 10.

FML.

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Day 10: 5 apps you wouldn't be without

I'm not the kind of person that is glued to their phone (no judgment if you are). In fact, I often completely forget about it. I've been known to leave it in the car or let the battery run down and then forget to charge it. I'm terrible at messaging people and forget that I have the technology to do that. I don't really NEED a phone.

With that said, I'm not going to count the basic social media I use. I feel like that's a given with the time we live in, and it wouldn't make for very interesting content anyway. Also like, the clock and calendar and all the factory set ones (Facebook and TikTok are all I really use if you're wondering) And if I'm being honest, my phone is a piece of shit and can't handle that many apps anyway.

Spotify-if I want a specific artist or vibe (I also have amazing playlists, if I do say so myself)

Pandora-my go-to music app. All my chaotic music on shuffle. It's wonderful

I Heart Radio-I don't use this one super often, but I do if I want to listen to the radio if I'm not in the car.

Pinterest-I don't use it on my phone that often, but it's there.

ACNH.guide-Listen, I'm addicted to Animal Crossing and I use this app every single day.

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Days 7-9

I figured one post would make me more likely to actually catch up, so here we go! Also scroll to the end for book reviews!!

Day 7: Express gratitude to 3 people

I don't like this prompt. I hate gratitude prompts. That's not to say I'm not grateful for things, I just don't like how cheesy the prompts are. And 3 people? I barely talk to three people.

I'm thankful for my art teacher. My last day of drawing was yesterday and it was my third semester with him. He's my favorite teacher I've ever had and I hope to take more of his classes.

I'm thankful for my bonus kids because I absolutely adore them, even though they're in the teen phase and starting to think I'm uncool. But we're all going through puberty together and that's pretty hilarious.

And this is probably cheating, but the Facebook groups I'm in. I've 'met' some really cool people and felt a stronger sense of belonging in virtual spaces than I ever have in physical ones.

Day 8: What are your goals this year?

I had so many goals and then covid happened, so I'm basically restarting again lol This year, I am trying to Thrive rather than Survive. I've just had the goal of making it through for the past...my entire life, so I'm focusing on enjoying the process more, which for me means healing trauma, having healthy boundaries, and trying new things/things I've always wanted to do.

I went to a Ghost concert Ritual in February, which was a huge thing for me, because in the past, I would have not gone because my SO didn't want to. But I chose to do something I wanted to do. And I fucking love concerts. I want to incorporate more of those. And just events in general. I was always like 'this seems cool. I would like to go, but I can't if ______ doesn't want to go." and that's just ridiculous. So now I just do the thing. I've also been giving myself things that I denied for a long time, or things people have made fun of me for in the past. It's all about embracing myself these days.

For more specific goals, I'm changing my name and applying for disability. I would hope to also move into my own place and get a service dog, but that doesn't necessarily have to be this year.

Day 9: A book you love

I don't really have favorite books that I reread. I have books I enjoy and recommend, but I usually forget them immediately. I've been really picking up reading again this year. That was one of my other major goals for the year. I've been documenting it all so I don't forget and I can look back on the progress.

Here's a few I absolutely loved.

One of Us Is Lying-Karen McManus

Not my favorite of the bunch, but I still really enjoyed it. Didn't realize it was a book series until I logged it into GoodReads, and then found out it was also a TV series as well. I highly recommend both. The show was really different than the book and it helped it be less predictable. Plus I can't wait for season 2.

Teen Killers Club-Lily Sparks

My most recent finish. Besides absolutely loving the cover, this one was all about defying expectations. At no point did I know where it was going next. A really fun read.

(This is gigantic. My bad)

I read this one back in January, but it's still pretty fresh in my mind because of how good it was. I used to love Holly Black when I was a kid (Spiderwick, anyone?), but haven't read any of her other books. This was a cool, modern fairytale-type book and I was very into it. Lots of different plot points and was woven together really nicely. Also gay. (If you stick around long enough, you'll notice a theme.)

( I gave up on titles and authors. Deal with it. You can clearly read.)

OH MY SWEET LORD!! This is probably my favorite book I've read in a long time. I don't reread books often, but this will be one that I definitely do. It was so fun piecing together the mystery with the character. Plus plague doctors before it was cool? Hell yeah. This book is very much my aesthetic. Agatha Christie-style murder mystery with time travel and body-switching? Sold.

Ya'll. This book ripped my heart out. Enough said. If you know, you know. Also gay.

I plan on doing more book reviews and reading journal updates because this was really fun to put together and I really enjoy working on my journal tbh.

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Day 6: Letter to your teenage self

(This is the one I lost and I'm skipping it for now.)

[caesar-is-hollow]

Here's the thing...

So I kinda skipped some days. I set up a queue for Easter weekend because I was going to be so busy. But then, life happened. I got busy with the last week of school and forgot to post. Cool. I'm gonna try not to let that one failure make me give up on the whole thing. Also, when I was writing up the posts for the queue, I had a really long one that I was really proud of...and then completely lost it. I accidentally deleted it and it disappeared into the void. I'm still not totally over it, so I think I'm gonna skip over that prompt (Day 6) for now. Boo.

Anyway, let's pick this back up.

[caesar-is-hollow]

Day 5: A motivational quote and what it means to you

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill

This is one of my favorite quotes. I think it really sums up my attitude of living purely out of spite.

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Day 4: Your opinion on a recent news story

I really don't deal with the news that often. I have enough problems of my own without taking on everything else too. I would be in constant panic (slightly more than usual)

But I thought I would go ahead and do this one because I kinda feel obligated to.

I've been a practicing witch on and off for the past 10 years. I've only recently gotten really serious about it for the last 3. I don't know everything, by any means, but I feel confident enough to at least stop calling myself a 'baby witch'. (Yuck. Don't do this. Don't infantilize yourself. Witch-In-Training or Apprentice is so much better!)

Is TikTok a wealth of knowledge for witchcraft tips and tricks? Yes. Does that mean everything is up for grabs? Absolutely not. Here's the thing: you have to do your own research. Besides TikTok. New witches don't want to hear that, but it's true. What may work in someone else's craft may not work for yours. And the user you got that love spell from may not know what the fuck they're doing either.

Not all witchcraft is for everyone. Appropriation is extremely prevalent in the witchcraft community. Generally, if you are not a minority, you shouldn't speak over those who are. That goes for literally everything, not just witchcraft.

If you want more information about appropriation in witchcraft, I highly suggest Chaotic Witch Aunt on YouTube and TikTok. I don't really have the mental energy to go into all that right now.

The point I'm trying to make is that you need to know where things come from. All the ingredients to a spell have a purpose there. Even the day of the week or phase of the moon is important. You can't just throw some shit in a jar without knowing what you're fucking doing.

I know it's exciting to jump right in when you first get started, but having the basics down first is incredibly important. Even further than that, you should know what YOUR craft looks like. There's a billion ways to practice and it helps to know what your beliefs are and what magic means to you.

Going back to knowing the origins of what you're working with, there are a lot of foundational sources from the 70s-90s that don't even apply to now because of how sexist and problematic they are. Does that mean you can't learn from them? No, but it's always important to cross-reference. And if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

A lot of witchcraft study is based on morality. You'll often hear talk of 'white magic' and 'black magic', the good and evil. On top of this being an inherently racist representation, it's also a load of shit. Apart from serial killers, how many people are "pure evil"? Same goes the other way. Most people are morally gray. Like most things, it's a fucking spectrum, not one or the other.

You'll find a lot of this type of thinking in anything pre-90's. There was a huge witchcraft boom then due to pop culture (Buffy, The Craft, etc.) but unfortunately a lot of this stuff wasn't totally accurate. It can still be a good base to start from, but don't take it as gospel. I myself started with Silver Ravenwolf books, and now I've challenged a lot of the ideas I got from her writing.

You never stop learning. Ever.

The most important thing is to not be too hard on someone who is trying to learn. It's our job to help educate, not shame someone for trying. Witchcraft is powerful and amazing and I've had a lot of wonderful experiences from it. I would never want to take that from anyone.

Hell, if anyone has any questions, I would be glad to help answer them or provide sources for further reading.

And if that was too heavy, here's a Sweeney Todd-esque game coming out that I might have to get.

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Happy Zombie Jesus Day everyone!!!

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Day 3: What is your typical daily routine?

As much as I would love to have a consistent routine, I very much do not. Thanks, ADHD!

My schedule usually depends on what OTHER people have planned. I'm always the one to work around everyone else. I mean, to be fair, I don't have a job, so that's not an issue. But I do have a kid in school and that makes for some difficult issues sometimes. Also whenever my classes are.

I don't have much of anything in my schedule that I do every single day. I wish I did. I don't even wake up at the same time. Sometimes I even go back to sleep after I take the kid to school.

I very rarely eat breakfast. I used to be very into coffee and that was a daily ritual for a while, but I've given it up for matcha. (My anxiety and IBS thank me)

I usually do chores; laundry, clean the litter box, whatever, and then get into what I ACTUALLY want to do for the day, which varies a lot day-to-day.

Actually, most of this varies day-to-day because of mental illness or chronic pain. Some days it really sucks ass and I can't get out of bed.

Lately, I've been spending most of my days hyperfixating on Animal Crossing or TikTok at the detriment of pretty much everything else in my life. Someday I'll get the hang of it.

I forget to eat until about 5 usually and by then I'm dizzy or light-headed. Eat, you dumb butt.

The only thing I do every single day without fail (well, not completely without fail) is watch Good Mythical Morning. It truly is part of my daily routine. I like the idea that it's a start to your day, whenever that day starts. Hence the name. I guess technically it's only weekdays, but still.

I usually will take a shower every day. I know it's not good for your skin, but it's the only alone time I tend to get. Sometimes it's an Epsom salt bath if the pain level is high.

I play with my cat a lot. I think she probably hates me because I annoy her so much. She's my baby.

Also, my actual baby, whatever he's doing usually leads to me being a snack bitch or cleaning up whatever chaos he has unleashed.

I go to sleep anywhere from 8:30 (kiddo bedtime) to 3 am because I am an insomniac little gremlin with no concept of time.

And then for some reason, I have to wake up and do all that shit all over again. Existence is exhausting.

For someone who doesn't have an exciting life, this post is hella long.

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Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Oh fuck. I have no idea. Hopefully not where I am now. Hopefully my condition has improved significantly.

Let's see, I'll be in my mid-thirties, my kid will be 15, and I have no plans for any sort of future.

I never thought I would make it this far, but somehow nothing has gone to plan...even though I had no plans. I've fucked up a lot and had to restart plenty of times, but I guess that's what life is about.

When I was a teenager, I never thought I would make it to 21. Here I am. It's still pretty horrible, but I'm doing infinitely times better than I was then.

The dream has always been to live in a bus or camper or mobile tiny home and travel all over. Currently, I have too much shit for that. That comes from getting all the previous shit thrown away and having to build it back up. (Eventually, we'll talk about that, too)

But yeah, I don't know. I have dreams and aspirations, I'm just still in the process of figuring out what is actually attainable for me as a person. Because that think adults tell you when you're a kid about you can do anything and be anything you want? It's total horseshit. Maybe not for rich kids, cis folk, neurotypicals, and people without disabilities, but I don't fall into any of those categories.

I've been poor my whole damn life and will probably stay that way. I don't even want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. Like be able to buy a box of bleach when my roots are showing. Or not have to plan out my week to account for the quarter-tank of gas I have.

I'm honestly still pissed that I have to pay for all this shit when I didn't even ask to be here. What a ripoff. I would much prefer bartering.

But back to the point, I have no fucking clue where I'll be in 10 years. I don't know where I'll be in 5. I don't even know where I'll be tomorrow. (Actually, I do because it's Easter weekend) I may not know what the future looks like for me, but I hope to at least know where I WANT to be by then. I really hope I have my shit together by then, but I'm pretty sure that is an illusion too.

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10 facts about me

I used to collect clowns and circus decor. (Still kinda do)

My love for all circus things ran so deep, I once wanted to go to clown college.

I am obsessed with the band Ghost.

I love murder mystery tv shows.

I really enjoy cooking, but I don't do it as often as I would like.

I knit, crochet, and cross stitch because I am a decrepit old hag.

I'm some form of a practicing witch. All things in my life seem to be fluid.

I recently started playing D&D and I prefer to dm rather than play.

I hyper-fixate on Animal Crossing so much that I'm frequently late to things.

My dream car is a 1957 Chevy hearse (But I would settle for any hearse tbh)

I mean, look at this shit! Rad as fuck.

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A challenge...

I went to pinterest and found some lists of blog challenges to create more content. I randomly picked this one to do first. I know some of these won't apply to me, but I'll try anyway. I'm not going to give myself any rules here; if I wanna do more prompts one day, I will. Let's see what happens

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Hello, this is the introduction. Read Me.

I realized that my last few posts, the first ones I've posted on this brand new blog, are very fucking dark. Yes, let's tarnish this shiny new project with depression shitposting. Good. At least that's on brand.

No, the reason I'm doing this is that I miss writing. I need to journal for therapy anyway, so why not post it publicly for accountability and the illusion that someone is reading. And it's here because I missed Tumblr. Sure, there are more relevant blog platforms, but I used Tumblr as an escape in high school, so it's helping me out again.

This is my FIFTH blog. FIFTH. I have five of these fucking things. None of them are active, but I have yet to decide what to do. My art account has a small amount of work I no longer have. I kinda don't want to delete them for nostalgia reasons, but one of them is a fandom account that has since become problematic (it starts with a J and ends with she's a fucking TERF, but you can take my Wolfstar ship from my cold dead hands, bitch) I haven't used any of them for several years now, so I have no idea what all the content is and thought it best to start fresh.

I have no idea how often I'll post or how long I'll keep up with it, but here we are. I have ideas for it and I hope to actually stick with it regardless of how it's going. I have a tendency to get excited about projects and give them up when they don't turn out as planned. Instant gratification is a bitch.

As for what to expect content-wise, I don't know that either. I'm a complex individual with a variety of interests, which funnily enough makes it difficult to pin down a theme for a blog, let alone a catchy title. Which is one of the main reasons I fell back to Tumblr. It's a weird place for weird people. I've never fit in a box and I'll be damned if I try to start now.

So the posts will be hectic, random, rambly, full of asides and run-on sentences, with no particular rhyme or reason. I'm just writing. I may post my art or whatever, but I think this is mostly going to be for accountability purposes, so I don't think I'll be reblogging anything unless maybe it's positivity and mental health stuff like one of the previous blogs. Idk, we'll see. I might do a blog challenge later just to get into the habit of doing this. I plan on having somewhat themed content, but right now I'm just trying to get the ball rolling. This is no longer an empty blog! I've written a fuckton in the past hour, so that's something I guess. Yay me.

Farewell for now, I'll be back eventually.

xoxo, Gossip Girl or whatever.

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You Have to Remind Yourself to Shower?

I was sitting here mentally working on a to-do list and debating whether I actually wanted to get up and write it on my dry erase board. 

Here’s the list:

Do dishes

Shave

Shower

Seems simple enough, right? Why write it down? Ah, that be the ADHD, my friend. Even with a simple amount of tasks, if I don’t write it down, I will absolutely forget what I was going to do or what I had planned for the day. Sometimes in the middle of doing it! 

Have you ever played Sims and moved the couch just as they were going to sit on it? They get really confused. “The couch was there, and then it disappeared! Am I in a simulation? Why have you done this, oh Lord of the Screen?!” (That’s probably what they say, but I’m not fluent in Simlish) That’s me. Except there’s no couch, only confusion. And the Simulation God completely erased my memory of a task.

I used to think this was a cool superpower I had. “If I write it down, I’ll always remember it. It’s kinda like I have a photographic memory!” Oh, sweet summer child. That’s just how lists work.

But anyway, back to the point. I was hesitating to write the list. Why? Although I am forgetful, I’m unlikely to forget three things. Sometimes writing the list helps me get going when I feel like I have too much to do. Sometimes…but not today. I mean, come on. It’s just three things, it’s not that daunting. 

No, it’s really not, but I get grumpy when I wake up from late afternoon naps…

Fuck, rambling. Hesitation! Why was I hesitating? It’s a white board list in my room. I’m home alone and no one is going to see it. But one time…I was in my early teens and I had a chalkboard in my room (I’ve upgraded because I’m an adult.) I had a similar list except it probably had homework assignments on it, but I specifically remember it had ‘shower’ on it. Wow, what a silly thing to remember. How do you remember what was on your to-do list a decade ago?

Because someone did see it.

My then sister-in-law came in my room, no idea why, and glanced at my board. “You have to remind yourself to shower?”

Now apart from being a disgusting teenager, I also dealt with crippling depression. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy showers, I did. I still do! It’s one of my favorite self-care activities. (I get fancy. Hello #bathtok) In fact, I was often berated in those days for spending too long in the bathroom when we only had one. (And thus began BATHROOM ANXIETY!!! BUM BUM BUUUMMM!!! ..But that’s for a different post.)

So, I liked showering, but I often forgot when I had done it last. I often tried to cram so much into the few after-school hours I had that I ran out of time to do the important things because 1) I don’t prioritize the same way as everyone else, and 2) I shower before bed. Is that weird? I grew up getting baths before bed, so it’s just kinda always been a night thing, even though now as an adult, I prefer morning showers, but it’s still so ingrained in my programming that I can’t change the routine and am currently procrastinating on taking a shower at 11:30pm.

*deep breath*

So, understandably, this was mortifying. Especially for a disgusting teenage afab. Why do you have to remind yourself to shower? That’s like, a basic human function. How are you so bad at existing?

Again, depression. But that’s not what this is about. This massive amount of nonsense is about one simple phrase someone said to me when I was 15 that has followed me and fucked me up into adulthood. Our brains do this really fun thing where they forget important shit, but remember miniscule bullshit like this. Thanks, asshole.

I remember lots of phrases like that (maybe one day, I’ll write about that, but not today) because they impacted me so much in such a traumatic way. Why was it so traumatizing? It just reminded me that I was bad at being a person. I wasn’t ‘normal’, which was a major thing I was struggling with at the time. Teenagers usually are, but throw on the gender dysphoria, sexual confusion, and the undiagnosed ADHD and autism and I was totally fucked up! 

But yeah, tldr; when I have trouble taking care of myself, a voice from someone who hasn’t been in my life for over ten years reminds me that I’m terrible at normal human functioning. 

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Meaningless Existence

I remember a very specific moment in high school. It wasn’t anything important. I don’t remember what day it was, or what class I was going to. I don’t even remember what year I was in. Actually, that’s a lie. I was a Freshman. That checks out.

But I was walking down the hallway during passing period. You know that scene in Juno where everyone parts and keeps their distance when she’s pregnant? It felt like that. It was almost like I was looking down on myself and I was walking the opposite direction as everyone else. I distinctly remember thinking, “You are one fish in a vast ocean, swimming against the tide. You don’t matter.” I shit you not.

I promptly had a panic attack followed by a complete nervous breakdown. If you went to high school with me, HIIII! That’s why I didn’t go there sophomore year. 

That was at the peak of my depression and one of many existential crises. (That looks incredibly wrong, but that is how you spell the plural of crisis. I looked.) This was also when I finally got a decent doctor that listened to me. 

I had been in therapy since my parents’ divorce (my mom thought I needed it for that. That wasn’t it, bud.), and took anti-depressants that my family somehow thought were sugar pills or something because they didn’t believe I could possibly have depression, despite the staggering amount of evidence. (My grandma legitimately told me that I was depressed because I didn’t eat breakfast. And not in a sweet, grandma-ly ‘let me fix you something’ way. Like an ‘it’s all in your head’ way. I didn’t eat breakfast because I had depression and dysmorphia, fam)

Anyway, enjoy random thoughts, stream of consciousness, far too many parenthesis, and run-on sentences! Welcome to my blog.