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Callia, Mul warrior from the city of Tyr. Former slave to one of the templars, now a free sellsword, with her obsidian spear and killer abs. Tattoo shows her number in the templar slave squad (That was a thing, yes). After sorcerer-king was killed, she personally sliced her templar master in halve, since he lost his powers and was caught off guard. Now she wanders the wastes trying to find a place to belong, and makes her ceramic bits by offering guard services to merchants.

She is my character from hardcore 5e darksun conversion campaign.

Background by Wayne Reynolds.

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Andrea Hope, scourge aasimar zealot with an ultragreatsword, also an agent of the gaunlet order. NPC, that specialises in dealing with hordes of undead or fiends. Felt like drawing her after she rescued PCs from Tomb of Annihilation aftermath battle.

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Fuck, guess i'm Rimidalv.

Took me w a y too long to realize that Alucard is Dracula backwards

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Me, 15:00 in the morning trying to calculate what I rolled

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And a general comparison of things (btw, try to guess my country with just this post) America - usamerica MC - my country America: school shooting drills MC: we, a 10 y.o. children getting real school marks (that can affect high school diploma) for assembling and disassembling assault rifles in time America: all black people should be called afroamericans MC: most of black people (who are not exactly numerous) have never been to America and genuinely get puzzzled with the term America: staff smiles at you everywhere, expects you to do that too MC (smaller towns): if you smile at a cassiere he or she will vaguely but honestly threaten you not to America: put 3 pounds of processed cheese in it, add a fuckton of chilie, deeproast until crystallised. sprinkle with wild oniongrass. MC: boil grain i guess, add a cube of butter on top. Salt to taste. America: omg, im 16 and I still dont have a car. I’m a looser MC: uber driver, trying to pick me up: im black toyota camry, where are you? me, a grown ass intellectual, observing approximately 43,5 black cars on the road: hm... what colour are your eyes? America: Europe is a one big lump of a country MC: Europe is a one big lump of countries

America: you should calculate your taxes for products all the time to get an idea how much you are spending, and at the end of the year you also must know how much you owe the goverment and bring it somewhere MC: taxes? what taxes? I heard a tale that some of the money in the world just disappears to come to the pockets of lords and aristocracy. Tis but a tale, nothing more

Anyway if you’re from the US and you ever wanted to know what tumblr feels like from a non-USAmerican perspective (please note that the rest of the world is not a monolith either and none of these apply without exception):

Everybody’s talking about brands and stores you’ve never seen in real life. You generally assume they exist, but they might as well be one giant prank the rest of the internet is in on.

You find a post that just sounds wrong. It makes no sense. It’s like OP lives in a weird alternate reality. 9/10 times, it’s just some USAmerican Thing.

You’re still not entirely sure how much an inch is. Or a foot. Or even how many of the former there are in the latter. You maybe know your height in feet and inches.

You have no idea how much a pound is. You’d also like to know how the fuck pound shortens to lbs.

What the fuck is “military time”

Somebody talks about some legal process or something similar. They don’t mention which country’s legal system this pertains to. You know anyway.

People talk about politics. None of it pertains to you. Many posts contain guilt tripping. “How can you not care about this?? Why won’t you reblog this?? People need to know this about x candidate for y position!” You’re busy trying to stay on top of the political landscape in your own country.

You pick up some random slang from the internet. Monkey see monkey do. You’re called racist. You didn’t know it was AAVE. You learnt it from black letters on white background, not from the mouths of people whose faces you could see. How would you have known? You try to unlearn it.

People tell you that you must publicly denounce Chick-fil-A or you’re homophobic. You don’t even know what a Chick-fil-A is.

People say you don’t know LGBTQ+ history. What they mean is you don’t know USAmerican LGBTQ+ history. Nobody cares about your country’s history.

You’re “called out” on using an “offensive” term. It’s (a direct translation of) a completely harmless word where you live.

People expect you to have an idea of how far apart 2 USAmerican states are. You barely know geography past your country’s immediate neighbors.

You randomly switch between British and American spellings. Nothing’s real and there are no rules.

People talk about multiple hour car rides and you get twitchy just thinking about it. You suddenly understand why USAmerican cars are so big.

Somebody talks about school shooting drills. You only ever had fire alarm drills.

You see a cool statistic. The study’s only about the US. It’s unfortunately of no use to you.

People misuse/misspell words and names from your native language. It’s tiring.

(You feel sorry for the French. Nobody should be allowed to mangle the word déjà vu like that.)

You’re still not over the fact that USAmerican school children are supposed to say that pledge thing every morning. You’re never getting over that.

You still don’t know why the men are fresh or what the fuck a sophomore is.

Who the fuck pays up first and then fills up gas??? That’s made up, right??

Everybody has a weird obsession with some comfort food you’d never even heard of before you signed up here.

Fellow non-USAmericans, please add anything else you can think of.

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2003 stealth action: the buildings are unrealistic, low poly irregular shaped boxes. Blurry textures, no decorations, way too sharp lighting. 3/10

2019 kindergarden in central Russia: ...

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me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit

mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters

me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

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8

Random Wilderness Encounters (1d20) #5

[1] A group of Goblins attack! After giving them a good licking you run into them again. And again… And again. Maybe we should just make peace with these dorks

[2] Introduce the most ridiculous NPC and have them stuck in some quicksand. Really let their character shine through, whether they are stupidly entertaining or horribly unbearable

[3] A strange light glows in the distance on top of a mountain. Is this a sign of good fortune or something much more sinister?

[4] A lone child plays the flute in the forest, they appear almost ethereal. It is a haunting melody

[5] Shattered Gargoyles sit in an overgrown garden, a treasure chest lies among the rubble

[6] Pick your favorite Cryptid and make them canonical to your world. Have the beast stalk the party for mysterious cryptic reasons. And yes, the Loch Ness Monster is an excellent choice

[7] The forest clearing leads to a crystal clear freshwater lake. In the depths of the water something terrifying is waiting to be discovered

[8] Two hyper intelligent, talking rabbits stop the party in their tracks. All they request are some books to read

[9] A tree, twice as tall as the others appears to be growing… Weapons? (All of those are cursed, of course)

[10] Next to the road, a group of Archaeologists are taking dirt samples. They’re convinced they will find some buried artifacts in the area. They are willing to pay a ridiculous sum of money if you give them some assistance, just as long as you keep this whole thing to yourselves

[11] Resting through the night was very pleasant for the party leader. When they attempt to greet their comrades, they have found themselves in a bed a long ways away from their resting point

[12] Dried up lake beds and decaying trees among a field of animal bones. You have reached the outside of a Necromancer’s circle

[13] Orcs with a sense of humor attempt to prank the party. Their prank is perfectly harmless, it involves just a little bit of bottled unicorn piss

[14] Travel is impossible on this moonless night. Unfortunately, sleeping until morning does not solve the situation, nighttime persists indefinitely

[15] A colorful formation on the side of the mountain piques your interest. Inside lies the abandoned home of a giant and it is full of unique treasure. Let’s just hope something else hasn’t taken residence within the forgotten halls

[16] Tons of bubblegum covers the roads, it is awful to travel through. The source of this mishap is a young Wizard with a sweet tooth

[17] Crashed into the side of a plateau, a metallic construct with strange markings and glowing lights. Surely this isn’t an actual extraterrestrial?

[18] While foraging for food, the party find a path of mushrooms leading into a dense Fungal Forest. Rare and undiscovered fungi grow within

[19] The most obnoxious bard in the world joins the party at their campfire. They claim to be weak and in need of good company, offering booze to win them over. Did I mention this bard is an infamous necromancer on the run? Yeah, that might be important to know

[20] Have you ever heard of the Adventure Zone? Well, Taako, Magnus and Merle have suddenly found themselves into your campaign. They are completely lost

(Feel free to use and reformat to your campaign. More Random Encounters on Tuesdays!)

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how to tell if your worldbuilding is Bad

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The quickest therapy

Me: I think I need some online therapy, to help cope with emotional problems! And a good one at that.

A good online therapy site: we have all you need! Certified professionals, easy communication, nice interface. But even with financial aid you'll need to work 3 days a week just to pay for our services, not including any other life expenses.

Me: understandable, have a good day, im feeling so much better now. What a wonderful life we live!

A picture of a lonely loaf of bread I once seen during a midnight stroll. Brings you luck.

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Russian government and accidental comedy. Part one.

Around 20 years ago a promenient politician, Viktor Chernomyrdin was appointed to be prime-minister of russian government. He helped to transfer the socialistic country to a capitalistic market, was (for a day) president of Russia, and all in all, a figure worth mentioning. While he was an ok polititian, he was also a hillarious comedian. Never ever he performed anywhere as such, but still, whole country knows his sayings, even those who never seen his speeches and interviews, and might not know who he is exactly.

Today I decided to try to translate some of them for the english-speaking audience, just to appreciate some epic accidental wordplay. Phrases in russian are given for reference.

Отродясь такого не было, и вот — опять!

Never seen this, and here it is again

Курс у нас один – правильный.

We have only one course - the right one

Надо же думать, что понимать.

You have to think what to understand

Секс – это тоже форма движения.

Sex is a form of movement too

Мы выполнили все пункты: от А до Б.

We did every item - from A to B

Вечно у нас в России стоит не то, что нужно.

As always in Russia, wrong things are hard.

Это наглая ложь и не совсем так.

This is a blatant lie and not entirely true.

Если я еврей — чего я буду стесняться! Я, правда, не еврей.

If I am a jew - I have nothing to hide then! I am not a jew though.

Есть ещё время сохранить лицо. Потом придётся сохранять другие части тела.

There is still time to try to save your public images. Next, you'll have to save your private parts.

Шли к рынку, а пришли к базару.

We tried to develop a market, but we got a bazaar.

И те, кто выживут, сами потом будут смеяться.

And those who'll live will have a good laugh afterwards.

Ну и что, что я обещал, я же не сделал.

So what that I promised? I never did it after all.

Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

Our intentions were good. But the result was as usual.

Надо делать то, что нужно нашим людям, а не то, чем мы здесь занимаемся.

We have to do what our people need, not what we are doing now.

У нас воруют намного больше, причем нигде не убавляется, такая страна.

They steal a great deal here, but nothing ever diminishes. Such a country we have.

Нас никто не может упрекнуть в том, что у нас хорошие помыслы.

Nobody can blame us for having good intentions.

Вино нам нужно для здоровья. А здоровье нам нужно, чтобы пить водку.

We need wine to have good health. And we need good health to drink vodka.

У меня приблизительно два сына.

I have approximately two sons.

Учителя и врачи хотят есть практически каждый день!

Teachers and doctors want to have food on the table almost every day!

Я ничего говорить не буду, а то опять чего-нибудь скажу.

I will say nothing, to make sure I won't say anything.

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Welcome to Moscow metro: the literal guide. (Yes, these are almost actual russian names.)

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Just a random comp.

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Idea: DnD, but all the enemies are SCP objects.

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Was listening to Thrones recently, and one song in particular awoke a lot of memories.